I am willing to share my most painful story if it saves even one relationship today.
Last week, I wrote a post on knowing your children, really knowing them. “If You Only Knew,” spread like wildfire. Apparently I am not alone in the realization that daily distraction has the capability of preventing us from truly “knowing” the people we love the most.
I am willing to go farther than that today. I am willing to share with you how easily daily distraction can take priority over relationships, relationships that we claim mean “everything” to us. I am willing to share a painful disclosure that I cannot put into words without crying.
The truth hurts, but the truth heals.
My hope is that one person reading this today will see his or herself in this post. And when reality hits, I pray change occurs, change that will save a life, a precious child’s relationship with his or her parent.
I only ask that you read this message in its entirety with an honest heart, setting all excuses aside.
This is my story…
My four-year-old recently graduated from 4K preschool. She stood on the stage in her light blue cap and gown singing beautiful songs about growing up and going to kindergarten. I will admit I cried. I will admit to tears, but there was something more. Something very painful that I had never allowed myself to fully acknowledge until I saw my sweet baby standing on that stage.
As she stood there beaming that beautiful smile, waving to me and looking directly into my eyes, I felt the urge to fall to my knees.
I wanted to thank God that I wasn’t sitting at her high school graduation looking at a child I did not know. I wanted to thank God for waking me up before I sped through eighteen years of her life not knowing what I was missing. I wanted to thank God that I had been given a second chance.
Because I had been frighteningly close to missing it all.
You see, I lost two years with my daughter. It was not because of a personal tragedy, an illness, or because I was incapacitated. No, tragically my two year absence was of my own doing.
This is not one of my shining moments as a mom, but I share it in the effort that one person reads this and says, “That is me. I am on the verge of losing something sacred that I will never get back.”
I share my story so that one relationship can be saved…
When my youngest daughter was two-years-old, her older sister went to kindergarten. I had spent the previous five years as a stay at home mom moving to several new cities in a short time period, focusing solely on my babies and my family.
So when my oldest child went to kindergarten and my youngest was no longer a “baby,” I dove into things that stimulated my mind, allowed for use of my God-given talents and engaged me in conversations with other adults…activities I had been desperately missing.
Well, as many of you know, once you display leadership abilities to a volunteer organization, school or a church, you begin receiving multiple requests to head things up. This is exactly what happened to me. And with each successful event, I felt validated. I felt like a productive citizen. I had taken on an identity other than “Mom.” I was filling a five-year void.
But I took it too far.
And while I was doing good for so many, my family got lost….especially my two-year-old daughter with strawberry blonde hair who smiles with her whole entire face and has a voice like an angel.
She is so good, so content, and so “easy,” that she allowed me to shuffle her around, sit through long meetings, patiently tolerate unending workdays, phone calls, and endless emails.
She didn’t complain; she never once made mention of the completely distracted and overly occupied lady she called “Mama.”
My sweet two-year-old just went right along with my overscheduled life, not knowing she was missing the heart, the focus, and the company of her mom.
She had no idea she was being given the leftovers, the worthless scraps of her stretched-too-thin mother.
I had a nagging feeling about how much I was doing outside the home, but I justified my bursting-at-the-seams calendar by arguing that my involvement was desperately needed at my church, my daughter’s school, and in my community. I completely denied the fact that these activities were consuming my life, my health, my happiness, and my wellbeing. I refused to acknowledge how much my activities were costing my little curly haired girl and my family.
And then last July, my Breakdown Breakthrough moment occurred when I finally admitted the REAL answer to the question people continually asked me.
“How do you do it all, Rachel?”
With tears streaming down my face, I forced myself to acknowledge that in order to “Do It All,” I missed out on life.
I missed out on the good parts of life.
I missed the Sunset Moments.
And then with the kind of pain that takes your breath away, I realized my two-year-old daughter, who was not yet in school, was the greatest victim of my admired ability to “Do It All.”
In that painfully honest breakthrough moment, I vowed things would change. I vowed I would change.
And by the grace of God, things have changed.
In the days between July 2010 and now, I have been making up for lost time. I have fallen utterly and completely in love with my four (almost five) year old daughter. I want to spend every waking moment with her; I just can’t seem to get enough of her. And in spending time with her, I have gotten to know her, really know her.
And nothing pleases me more than to introduce you to my amazing daughter, Avery…
I know…
She is ticklish right under her chin, in that tender spot beneath her little round face that still holds a soft layer of cushion.
Her upper left tooth is a little crooked from sucking her thumb since she was two days old.
When she laughs too hard she gets the hiccups, which manages to make her laugh even harder.
I know…
She has this deliriously happy laugh when she pulls open her pajamas drawer to find her “panda ‘jamas” freshly washed at the top of the stack.
She says “meed” instead of “need,” and I can’t bear the thought that someday soon she will pronounce it correctly.
She truly believes she owns a magic stuffed bunny.
She refers to dandelions as “wishing flowers” and makes the same exact wish every time she blows on one: “I hope I can live in Disney World.”
I know…
She would choose her beloved “straight arm” Polly Pockets over any toy in the world.
She believes in the power of a handmade card and will spend an exorbitant amount of time drawing the pictures while saying, “This is sure to make her feel better.”
She generously offers to help me make muffins and cookies, and then magically disappears after she licks the beater.
I know…
She gets this dreamy look on her angelic face when she hears stories about herself as a baby.
She will instantly put her hands together and say a prayer if she learns that someone she loves is hurt or sick.
She can’t quite get the two-finger F chord on her tiny ukulele but the C sounds like pure heaven.
She listens intently to songs on the radio and looks quite disappointed when she has to inform me of things like, “Katy Perry doesn’t really have a very good voice, Mama.”
I know…
She makes her hands into little balls when she runs.
She falls every time she tries to run in the pink sandals.
She loves to put on a hat and say, “We’re twins now, Mama.”
She gets overly excited when pouring her own milk into a glass.
I know…
She is an excellent salad maker except for the fact that she eats all the red peppers before they make it into the bowl.
She loves to entertain a crowd…the bigger the better.
She used to have two warts on her thumb that somehow magically disappeared.
She is terrified of tornados and commonly asks if today is a “tornado day.”
I know…
She puts her shoes in their proper spot without being asked.
She voluntarily asks to take a nap when she is tired.
She considers riding her bike around the cul-de-sac major exercise.
She loves the distinct flavors found in hummus and sushi rolls, but claims toothpaste is “too spicy.”
And I know…
She somehow smells like gumdrops when she first wakes up (even though she refused to use the “spicy” toothpaste).
She sings made up songs and somehow makes them sound like the most beautiful melodies.
She can actually make my heart stop when she wraps her arms around my neck and whispers, “I will never get sick of you, Mama.”
This is only a fraction of what I have come to know about my beautiful curly haired girl in the past year.
It is only a fraction of what I will come to know about her in the years to come.
And when my beautiful, eighteen-year-old daughter stands proudly at her high school graduation, I can say, “That’s my daughter Avery; I know her. I know every good and precious and miraculous thing about her.”
And through my tears of happiness, I will remember just how close I was to missing it all.
Thank God for second chances.
I am simply the messenger in this journey to grasp what really matters. It is by the grace of God that I have this message to give:
You can’t truly “know” your child from the seat of your recliner, from the stands of a ball field, from the comfort of your beach chair, from behind the screen of a computer, while talking on your phone, while watching TV, or while you are multi-tasking.
You can’t truly know your child when he or she is last on the “To Do List” of your overscheduled life.
The only way you can know your children or grandchildren is to spend time with them: Talk to them, listen to them, and do things together that will create lasting memories. Do these things with all forms of technology turned off.
When you live life distracted, you miss more than life.
That sentence bears repeating: When you live life distracted, you miss more than life.
*****************************************
If asked to introduce your children, what would your “I Know” List look like? How descriptive could you be about WHO they are as people (not what they DO for sports or hobbies)?
I urge you to take a moment and evaluate your life. How are you spending your days? Do you ever say, “I will spend time with my kids (or grandkids) on the weekend?” Or “I will spend time with them when we go on vacation?” If you do, I urge you to reconsider how you are spending your precious time. You cannot push your child off your priority list forever, making time for him or her only when it is convenient for you.
Unless, of course, you want to watch your child (or grandchild) accept his or her high school diploma and wonder who that person is.
If you feel this is a worthy message, please share it with someone else.
The Missing More Than Life by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Rachel and your family are very fortunate.
Thank you, David. I am truly grateful to have your unending support on my journey to grasp what matters. Thank you for every comment and for sharing my message with others.
I’m speechless. I’m on the same journey exactly. Amen Sister. Amen and Godspeed. EVERY word…wow, every single word….
I am so grateful you are on this journey with me, Lori. I so badly want “what matters” to consume my life instead of distraction. With your support and encouragement, I know I am heading in the right direction. Thank you for being here.
Hi Rachel,
I appreciate your honesty and I know that your words will stick with me.
A friend of mine posted your link on Facebook. I don’t have children yet, but I have been struggling with owning my own business, keeping house and being an awesome wife and friend. I recently hung a print on my office wall that says, “Taking time to live your life will only inspire your work.” It keeps me from feeling like having fun is neglecting my duties.
And your “I know” list is beautiful.
xoxo,
Cheryl Joy
Hi Cheryl, thank you for the beautiful comment! It is so meaningful to know that my message touches people in different stages of their life…not just parents.
I love the slogan you posted on your wall at work. I have the same problem, almost feeling guilty if I am goofing off and having fun. Yet, I am beginning to realize that “downtime” is a critical key to having a happy life…one with memories to cherish, instead of lists of accomplished tasks.
Thank you for your encouraging words! I hope you will stick with me on my journey!
Alot of people think I’m crazy because I don’t have an iPhone…and I refuse to talk on the phone, text or e-mail while my kids are awake. Your post is the reason why!! This is the most beautiful post I’ve read and I was crying while reading it. Thank you for your honesty.
Before having kids I was given the best advice I’ve ever gotten and I’ve tried to live by it. A lady I worked with told me “You’ll never regret the dishes you left unwashed in your sink, but you will regret the time you didn’t spend with your kids.” I try to remind myself of that when the house feels too messy, but the kids want me to ‘look at this, mom!!’. Staying up a little later at night to run the dishwasher or fold clothes feels like a small price to pay for those special moments with them while they actually want me around
Hi Jackie, thank you so much for sharing the valuable words by which you live. And more importantly actually LIVING them through your actions. Your committment to your children is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for your meaningful comment!
Lovely post Rachel! I feel as if I know Avery now too! She is absolutely precious, just like her Mommy! Love you!
Thank you, Susie! Your endless support and encouragement fuels my writing! Thank you!
I have to admit (if it’s okay to be honest here), that I do struggle a little with what you have said here. Not with your intent or what you are challenging people to do – no – I agree fully with getting you KNOW our children. I have a 19 month old daughter, and I think about that very thing on a daily basis.
However, I also KNOW myself. And I was a stay at home mom until she was 13 months, and I was miserable. I was with her every moment, but I resented it. I needed more balance – I needed ME again, or to find what the new ME was.
So I went back to work. My daughter goes to daycare. Was it hard? Yes. Do I regret it? Rarely. I am a better mom to her when I work. I play with her when she gets home. I sing her songs and have energy and time to get down on the floor and tickle her to death. We color every night. Are there times that I am tired, or checking my phone while she pulls on my pant-leg? Yes. I’ll admit that. But evenings and weekends are her time and I commit to that.
Before, when I was home with her full-time, I would pray for the evenings when my husband would come home and relieve me, just so I could have some time to breathe by myself. Now I have balance – and I don’t regret it.
So, I wonder, is there room for both? Is there room in your philosophy for a working mom who is more fulfilled that way than being a stay-at-home mom? That’s not meant to be a rude statement but an honest question. Do you think you can KNOW your children while working? I do. At least I’m trying.
Hi Lauren, thank you for your honesty and your question. Yes, I whole-heartedly think a person can have a healthy balance of activities outside the home while still focusing on a family and the needs at home. I know many parents who do it beautifully (both parents who work outside the home and inside the home.)
If you gathered from my post that I was suggesting people can’t know their children if they work outside the home, then I ask that you read my post again. My message was my own experience of pouring my heart and soul into activities outside the home, which I admit that I “took too far.” I did not have the balance that you have created in your life as a fulfilled and present mother and professional.
My message was meant to help others think about anything they perhaps “take too far,” which could be volunteer activities, hobbies, work, or preoccupation with technology, etc. I merely hoped that people would stop and think about things that end up consuming our lives to the extent that our children do not get the love and attention they so desperately need and deserve. Many people have gotten exactly that from my message and have thanked me. It is refreshing to know there are also parents, like you, who have managed to find that wonderful balance in their lives and don’t need these reminders. Thank you for commenting! Sounds like your daughter is a very lucky little girl!
Thank you for your reply. I did not necessarily take your post in the wrong direction – merely wanted to know what you thought. It’s certainly not an easy balance! But one I’m dedicated to.
Thanks again.
Thanks, Lauren. I really appreciate hearing the thoughts of my readers, especially from different views than my own. You have given me some great things to think about. Your dedication to your daughter is truly inspiring!
I so thoroughly love reading your posts. I’m playing catch up tonight as I missed a few days.
Because of your inspiration, I have started media free Wednesdays in our house. I’ve found that we are all far too distracted here and everyone is missing out. I read Dear Distracted Dad and cried through it all. I can see my husband there. And myself sometimes too. But he is supporting the media free day every week (mostly) which means that he is taking time to get to know his kids in a different way.
Life gets in the way, I’m glad you are here to remind us what is important!
My daughter also thinks toothpaste is “too spicy” … so adorable!
I read this and realized how very overscheduled I am as well. People say “how do you do all that?” and in fact, I am not doing it all as well as I could if I’d cut down a bit. I don’t have to do everything right. this. minute.
Thanks for posting! As always, I love your style.
Thanks Rachel. I needed to see this. I often feel like when I tell people I’m a Mom that I should add to it and tell them I used to be a teacher. I’m still a teacher, just of the Mom variety. And while we got rid of our cable over a year ago I still need to turn it off and remember to play with my little girls! I also have two girls and have moved all around the country in the past 12 years. I really needed to see both of your stories and realize that I am a Mom and I don’t need anything but my girls and my husband to make my life complete. Thank you!
Thank you, Allison, for commenting and sharing your own experiences with self-validation and distraction. It is comforting when I step into the light of realness to find someone who will meet me there. I would love for to you read my post called, “Can I Offer You My Hat?” I think you will find it meaningful, as well. Being a parent is the most important job in the world. Thank you for confirming that belief today.
Thank you! This is beautifully written and it comes to me at the perfect time. My daughter just turned 2, and I find myself getting lost at times in TV shows or “quickly” checking my email. She is growing so fast, and I truly appreciate this reminder to focus on her and getting to know her the best I can. Thanks again
I saw your post of Facebook and started to read. I can’t stop reading. This is truely eye opening. I have 2 year old b/g twins and find myself overwhelmed at times. I haven’t really looked at things the way you just described. But I find myself talking on the phone too much or checking my email while they’re playing together in the other room. Thank you for helping me open my eyes. I Love My Family more than they could ever know. I have tears running down my face as I type. Life is too short!!! Thanks Again
Thank you for your heart-felt honesty and openness, Laura. I commend you for taking an honest look at how distraction may be affecting your presence in your children’s lives. I remember my own “break down – break through” moment like it was yesterday. But that was my starting point — my starting point on my journey to grasp what matters. You have made the first step. Awareness is KEY. Next comes CHOICE. Something tells me you are going to make different choices with your time. And in those moments that you choose to let go of distraction, a beautiful connection will occur. And then you will be hooked on living Hands Free.
I am so thankful for your message and for taking my hand on this journey.
Hi,
I like the ideas you present, that we should not be glued to our devices and live. I agree with you. I don’t have children yet, but even from now I want to limit my time on the devices. Memories are what stay with us to the end (if there is no memory-loss, God forbid).
But one thing I would like to ask, what about your other daughter? You have posted here about the youngest daughter that you lost some time with, but what about the other one? You lost 2 years from her life as well. She’s just as important.
When my older daughter was home with me from age 0-5, I was the kind of mother I always wanted to be. I was present, attentive, and grateful for each and every moment with her. I spent hours on the floor with her, taking her outside and on special adventures. I listened to her and we developed a bond that to this day is remarkable. When she went to kindergarten that is when I dove into other activities in my community, the local schools, and my church (which I wrote about in this post.) My youngest child was home with me at the time. Therefore, she did not receive the same attention and interaction that her sister received when she was that age. My highly distracted life lasted 2 years and I feel like my youngest child suffered the most from that. I am sure my older daughter suffered negative effects from those distracted two years of my life, but I chose to write this post in this particular way. It does not mean that my oldest child is not “important” to me. In fact, I have spent many blog posts writing about the gifts of my oldest child here on my site (which I read to her). My oldest child is one of my greatest joys in life, as anyone who knows me would tell you — and most importantly, as my oldest daughter would tell you herself.
I nearly cried when I read this. It just makes me want to go home and hug my little 4 year old girl and play tea party, and barbies, and all those other games I tell her I am too busy for. The dishes, email, TV shows (thanks to a DVR) will wait, but she just keeps growing up, with or without me. Thank you for this post.
This has been eye opening and VERY convicting. I too have wasted years of getting to know one and probably even two of my daughters. I had my first daughter when my son was almost two years old. I enjoyed them both so much and days were challenging but I was home with them so I spend lots of time with them and it was great. When they were 3( my daughter) and 5 ( my son) I found out I was going to be expecting again unexpectedly. It wasn’t long after I found out though that my husband found out the company he worked for was about to file bankrupcy and they would soon be laying everyone off. Well, I knew God would take care of us, and He did just that. He provided a job in TX so we moved there from VA 3 months after I gave birth to our 3rd child , another baby girl. Well, once in TX, my husband’s job required him to work more hours than ever including some late nights, now we had an extra child and no family around for support. My son started kindergarten when we got here and my 4 yr old went to preschool but I worked part time in the mornings exercise classes at a local gym where I could take the baby with me. So by the time I finished there, I would be physically exhausted, then pick up my 4 yr old daughter and then instead of spending time with her , since the baby had to have more attention to feed her ,etc, I feel like I spent no time with her. And when the baby would take a nap, I felt like that was my time to sit down and relax and destress in front of the computer. I can remember with tears in my eyes all the times my 4 yr old came up asking me if I would do this or that with her or play with her or anything and I blew her off from just being exhausted. I feel like I pretty much ignored her throughout her last year of preschool (the whole first year we lived here) and that came to a painful realization when she got ready to start kindergarten. I wasted that entire last year of having her home before she would begin school from 8 until 3 every day of the week.I will never get that time back and I mourn for it. It was unfair to take it out on her if I was exhausted from having a baby or not getting enough sleep or whatever excuses I made at the time. And the sad thing is I am still fighting the battle of being too distracted. My youngest is now 2 and a half and I have probably “played” with her the least. Even though I have her home and she hasn’t started official preschool yet. She will be starting in the fall and I wonder why I am not enjoying her while she is small. I find myself just trying to get her busy with things so I can get housework done. I pray that God will help me get rid of everything that is taking my time and focus away from my precious children and help me to stop living this distracted life. I hope by God’s grace I can repair any damage I have done to my sweet kids by putting them off constantly for a phone call here or an e-mail there. My sweet daughter that is 6 now must feel like she is not on the important list and I really want to change that around 150 %. Thanks, your post has been eye opening and I have seen what a terrible mom I’ve been but that God can make all things new. I am willing….but will my daughter ever forgive me?
Jennifer, your painful truths touch my heart deeply. I know all too well the guilt and despair you are feeling. But there is good news, my friend. You have come to your breakdown-breakthrough moment. You now have full awareness of your the cost of your distraction. Some people go through life never taking the long hard look that you have and therefore, never change. You have the awareness and now you know you need to start choosing what matters over distraction. And through your words tonight, I have faith that you will. Begin by looking for ways to connect and interact with your children. Let the other stuff go — even if is only for 5 minutes. This is a start. Begin looking into their eyes when they speak to you and listening, really listening to their words. Children have so much to say if we simply listen. Take them outside if you can, I find this is where I can get away from my distraction. I love pointing out the beauty in nature to my kids and helps me remember I am part of something much larger than myself. In these moments of connection with your children, you will find hope … you will find forgiveness … you will find mercy and grace. There is much healing in the words, “I’m sorry.” If you feel led to tell your older children you are sorry and how you are committed to spending more time with them, then do so. However, just in your actions of being present in their life NOW and in the years ahead the damage can be repaired. A close relationship with your children is within reach — simply by investing time in them each day. I believe in you, and I am here to encourage you along the way. I am so thankful you discovered my site and that you are joining me on the journey to live ‘Hands Free.’ I will be praying for you, friend.
Thank you so much. These changes are very hard to make, but the pay off is SOOOOO worth it. I told my husband about the article and how I felt and he felt the same way. We are on our journey now one step at a time to not be that distracted mom and dad. Thanks again. Your prayers are appreciated and needed!
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this describes exactly how I feel….I have been trying to stay off the computer…..
I have given to much of my time to other people…trying to focus more intently on my 5 kids from here on out!
I can SOO relate! I was so involved in ministries at church, fundraisers at school, baby showers to throw, etc.(plus working part-time), a couple years ago, always shushing the kids while I tried to concentrate to ‘one more email out’, or getting frustrated that I had to wait until they were asleep, after much stalling so I could ‘get my work done’, etc. Now they are ages 6 and 8, and they go off on their own and read or watch a video or play in the back yard, and I’m suddenly ‘free’ to do all these things that I thought was so important before, and I realized, I missed out on some precious time, when they WANTED my attention, and now they don’t need it so much…I’m trying to spend my evenings taking the out to play soccer now, or watching them play on the swingset before they outgrow that. I just discovered your website, and I LOVE it. I hope everyone will think twice about their busy lives as a result of your work.
Thank you so much for your honesty. It brought back some painful memories to read your words. I am so thankful you realized it, like I did, before it was too late. It sounds like you are trying to take full advantage of the beautiful opportunities you still have to connect and spend time with your kids. I am thrilled that you love my blog and will be joining me on this journey to grasp what really matters! Thank you so much for commenting!
Do you think it’s possible to get these relationships back even if you are 9-10 years into a “distant” relationship? I like to pretend that I know my kids. But truthfully, since we moved and I have no friends and support, I have turned to the internet for friendship. I am just sick with myself for being a stay-at-home mom/work-at-home mom and missing out on everything you are writing about. And even still now that my kids are in high school and middle school. My work-at-home job has disappeared and I’m sitting at home in despair. At the same time, I’m almost dreading summer as I don’t even have a clue what they want to do this summer!! I need to be intentional about the few years I have left with them at home. I don’t know if you have any experience or ideas about what I can do…if anything…now. Thanks for having a great blog!!!
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Referred here long after the fact from a Facebook friend, I have a little note about this post. You say “She used to have two warts on her thumb which magically disappeared.”
I don’t know whether you use or are a believer in alternative medicine, at all; I have been using homeopathic remedies to treat my children and myself for about 8 years. One of the tenets of homeopathy is the ‘mind-body connection’, which is a documented phenomenon but one that a lot of people are skeptical about.
In homeopathy, warts are always, always linked to self-esteem. My niece had a persistent one, repeatedly treated, that completely disappeared when her mother made the choice to quit her afternoon-shift job so she could be home after school and be with her children.
So maybe your choice to prioritise Avery (my daughter’s name too!) over everything, and look straight at her and love her, can have the credit for her smooth thumb, too.
Good job.
Wow! This is so insightful, Shannon. I had not thought of it like that, but it certainly makes perfect sense. I did not talk about the positive emotional change I saw in her sister in this post, but it was also a change I noticed soon after I began my Hands Free journey. I really appreciate you taking time to share your wisdom. XO
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This post makes my heart fall to the pit of my stomach…I don’t know my children very well at all. I have been so distracted for the last four years going through nursing school and then starting a new career in nursing. My smart phone is sucking the life out of my life as well. It is not only hurting my children but it is hurting my marriage. I want to do this very thing. Get back to the roots of life. Grasp the things that matter most of all. The people in your life. Thanks for expressing the things that are true but healing.
Thank you for your heartfelt honesty and willingness to look inward at these difficult truths. I know all too well the pain and regret you feel from losing those precious moments. However, the beauty of living Hands Free is that it is not about yesterday; it is about TODAY and the critical choices we make today. There is hope, my friend. I am so glad you are here. WELCOME to the journey to grasp what matters!
How did I come across your website? I’m not sure. I’m subscribed now & receive your updates and I’m so grateful to hear all of this NOW. I have a 5 month old daughter – my first – and your blog has encouraged me to put aside my smartphone so that I don’t miss a thing. I’m so grateful that I’m realizing this sooner rather than later. Thank you for sharing.
My heart hurts reading this. I know I am guilty of this, too. I know that I sometimes feel inconvenienced when the same girls that I am buying beautiful clothes for and scheduling activities for actually want my ATTENTION. I can give them everyhing that I can afford and I can send them to camps and activities that will enrich their lives, but I can’t give them even a moment to just talk to them? When they grow up I want them to have memories of what we did together, not what I sent them off to do without me while I just wrote a check and watched from afar. Thanks for this and for all your pieces. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
That is so powerful, Isabel. Thank you for such raw honesty. I have always believed the first step toward the life we truly want to live comes from these difficult truths. I am grateful for your support and authenticity along this journey. I look forward to hearing about the progress you are making.
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Thank You.
I have cried reading your posts… though I know change is right here right now, starting here with me 
thank you for shedding light on my life xo
Those two words say a million things xo and reading these articles has instantly changed my life. I have been feeling this “guilt” recently, not knowing where it was from… until now. Again, thank you. I feel a new life has been given to me. Sad I know
Thank you for your beautiful honesty and openness, Cindy. You have taken the first step, the most difficult one, in acknowledging these difficult truths. From here, your journey begins. A meaningful, present, and connected life starts now. My hand is open to you. Let’s do this together, friend.
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Rachel . children grow up in a wink,my youngest is 13 now and yesterday he was a babe! He is taller than me and still so sweet !It is so important to validated as a Mom as the most important talent God ever gave me!Yet at times it is so hard economically! I have been fortunate to work part time , I run my own art class for little ones-such a great gig! I’ve been blessed and in May watched my beautiful 22yr old graduate college-so talented and full of life! My giggles aka Lauren was my proudest achievement -we nurtured her creative gifts and she is smart , caring and a wonderful girl! So your moments that give you the mist joy come in glimpses and of course years later … and I cried tears of joy so proud knowing Yes I did the right thing … stayed home growing great people!! Thanks for your story Barb
I can’t remember how I came across this blog, but I did yesterday and bookmarked it to read tonight (while my children are in bed!). I once had a rule, no computer, no surfing the net on the phone etc when the children are about. I have had major surgery and the last few months have not been able too much, hence very frustrating. I have found myself on my phone or computer rather a lot inbetween playing board games or reading to the kids. Now that I am getting more mobile, I am finding it hard to give up the computer and surfing the net. Thank you for your blog, it’s a timely reminder of what I need to get back to! and why I did it in the first place!! I’ll get it back to how I was and I will start in the morning! Thank you again for this blog!
I just read this, a few days after the tragedy in Connecticut of Friday, Dec. 14th. These types of horrific events always cause us to pause, to reflect, and hopefully, to change things in our lives which need fixing. All parents live with regrets as we are just human beings and sinners saved by grace alone.
Let’s all remember to count our children as one of God’s greatest blessings. The pain of so many that have lost their children will forever remind us of the importance of the everyday moments, the miracle of each new day.
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Somehow I’m just finding this and through my years I say, I only wish I had seen this sooner. Your words have reached directly into my soul and yanked at every part of me. This! This is why we are mommies. This is why I have given up all selfish pursuits. This is why I homeschool. This is the meaning of my life right now.
There are seasons for everything, for business, for ministry, for hobbies, for children. For many of those things, the seasons can come back around like a bright new Spring or a cool, crisp Fall. But the season of children comes only once and I’m crying again as I know I’ve missed too many days that I can’t get back.
So, goodbye email access on my phone. Goodbye “phone-on-all-day-because-someone-might-need-you.” Goodbye reading everyone’s blogs, stories, and daily dose of waste of life. I’m heading off to harvest season with my three beautiful girls – to enjoy this season that will go too fast, but in which I will hope for no more regrets.
Carisa, I am so moved by your comment. I am so glad you came my site and had an awakening about the time spent with your children. I must admit, I spent a lot of time regretting opportunities I missed — my hope is that you will let the past go and strive to make better choices TODAY. I have found that when I focus on TODAY (rather than the past or the future), I am able to grasp more moments that matter. I am honored to have you join me on this life-changing journey. Please keep me posted on your progress. I see a brighter day for you today.
Thank you for this. I have four little boys (9,7,5,3) and struggle with this every day.
Yes, you have written a beautiful post! I only hope I can do the same.
I’m in my late teens, and I’m sitting here with tears running down my face for the first time in a long, long time. I’m not a mom – but I have one. And she doesn’t know me. I know for a fact that she dislikes or downright hates many things that like, feel or believe, so I lie to her almost constantly. I’ve grown pretty resigned to the fact that I will never have a relationship like I want with my mom (or dad, for that matter) and then something like this comes along and rips the feelings open all over again, making me question.
Why couldn’t she have bothered to know me? She wasn’t even involved in stuff outside the home – but an autistic brother was born when I was still little, and from that point on I and her went into a tailspin in relation to each other. She took away her support in homeschool, busy with my brother; in response I fell horribly behind, and as I sit here today, more than eight years later, I despise any kind of ‘school’ because it means nothing but shame and Mom yelling at me. She snapped at me for writing short stories instead of doing schoolwork; I stopped writing for years, and have only recently started again. Even now I cannot write short stories or songs because of the feedback I got from her. She divided her interaction with me between laying down her laws, leaving me alone and without instruction, and then calling me stupid and many other things when I slacked off or made mistakes.
…She never even talked to me about the birds&bees. I still can’t get over the stupid hurtfulness of that whole business.
And now that I’m older, all I’ve found out is that she had terrible parents, as did my dad – so now I and my siblings have to suffer because of that. And knowing that she thinks she’s a terrible mother doesn’t help her stop being one, in many areas; knowing that she stares at the computer or works at something else while talking to me because she wants a ‘buffer’ doesn’t change the fact that it hurts when she does it.
I feel tired now. I’m sorry that I kind of emotion-dumped, but… the article just stirred such strong feelings, because for me and my mom it kind of is to late. I’m working as hard as I can to form some kind of relationship with her now, but… it will never be as good as it could have been. Nowhere near.
Any mom who’s reading this, this article is spot-on. You need to get to know your kids when they’re little – and then never stop getting to know them. Always make sure they can tell you anything, without fear of getting put down or judged.
– A kid who isn’t known
Dear Carey,
Thank you. Thank you for sharing your heart in order to spare one parent a precious opportunity to know his or her child. Because I have no doubt that you will. Someone will come here and read this and her/his life will be changed in that moment. You have strengthened my own commitment to know, really know, my daughters. I am so thankful you felt compelled to write your feelings because your words matter. They will make a difference.
Carey, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that your mother does not know the insightful, compassionate, wise child of hers. I was only a few sentences into your comment when I said to myself, “This young lady is a writer.” You are a writer. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. I was a teacher for 10 years, an English major, a life-long writer … I know good writing when I see it. Please keep writing. Even if you show no one … write. Carey, writing saved me. My problems are different than yours, but each time I came to this blog and wrote about my struggles and triumphs to let go of my distractions, I was healed. In two years, I have come pretty far. I uncovered hurts in my soul that are on their way to leaving me forever. If you need encouragement to write, come here. Even if you leave comments to let the world know what we need to know, this space is open to you. You have so much to offer. We can learn so much from you.
I am grateful you found my blog today. I am here if you need encouragement.
Rachel
Thank you so much for your reply. I have to tell you that… well, the words “This young lady is a writer” will stay with me for a long time. Thank you. And I’ll definitely continue to follow your blog. I want to do it right for my kids when I have them someday.