As my daughter admired my nearly fourteen-year-old wedding dress, I thought to myself: If I had to do it all again, I would lose the bow and take the pressure off.
When I began my “Hands Free” journey, my focus was on letting go of the external distraction in my life. However, the more I address my external distraction, the more aware I become of my internal distraction. And what I have discovered is that my harsh inner critic prohibits me from grasping the moments that matter just as much as my electronic devices do.
But I recently made a momentous breakthrough in my battle to silence my internal distraction and hear my victory song of self-acceptance.
If you are interested in putting the emphasis on the word ‘free’ in your “Hands Free” journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters, please read on.
This is my story …
I recently stopped at a beauty salon to grab a product. My eyes were drawn to a lovely bride-to-be sitting in a chair. The stylist was adjusting the bridal hairpiece and asking questions about its placement.
I couldn’t help but notice the anxiety in the young woman’s eyes. Uncertainty gripped her youthful, unlined face. I immediately recognized that pained expression – the one that screamed, “It’s got to be perfect.”
The stylist swiveled the chair around and now all I could see was the back of the bride’s head. Her gorgeous waves of strawberry-blonde hair were being gripped tightly, stifling their lively spirit. The pressure had begun – and it would not stop until perfection was achieved.
I could see decades of pressure ahead.
Suddenly it was no longer a nameless young bride sitting in that chair; it was me, my twenty-six-year-old self in nervous preparation for her wedding day.
I wanted nothing more than to take 1997 Rachel by the hand and guide her away from the disapproving mirror and hair-do vigilante.
I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around my young, naive self and whisper words of assurance and love.
After expressing some much needed comfort to 1997 Rachel, things would get serious. I would look my impressionable self in the face and say, “I have something critical to tell you. And it will affect the rest of your life.”
And then I would not stop talking until I said what I needed to say.
These would be my words:
What I am about to tell you is freedom.
You see, you’re going to feel a lot of pressure in your lifetime – pressure to do things at 110 percent performance level, pressure to look and act a certain way, pressure to be all things to all people.
And you are going to THINK that the pressure is coming at you from all directions, but in most cases, it’s not.
That unrelenting pressure is going to come from one place.
It is going to come from you.
So in order to spare yourself a lot of stress and pain, I am telling you to take the pressure off.
Take the pressure off.
Here’s how:
1. Unite with authenticity. When you choose friends with whom to associate, choose those who are real and allow you to be real. Can you be yourself around this person? Can you reveal your imperfections and remain loved and accepted? If so, friends like those are keepers. Surround yourself with those who lift you up, not those who bring you down.
2. Choose For Yourself. Refrain from making choices in your life in an effort to please others – your boss, co-workers, family members, and friends. Do what makes YOU happy. Do what makes you feel alive and fulfilled.
3. Be good to your body. Move your body each day because you can … and that is a gift. Strive to put healthy foods in it, yet don’t deprive yourself of life’s delicious indulgences. Spend time strengthening your mind, soul, and spirit rather than wasting precious time trying to look like a photoshopped image in a magazine.
4. Measure wisely. Strive for a measurement of success that is not tied to money, status, or appearance. Are you happy? Do you laugh often? Are your children kind and loving? Have you made a difference in someone’s life? Did you accomplish something you didn’t think you could do? If the answer is “yes” consider this success.
5. Seek every day miracles. Spot a flower in the crack in the pavement. See messages in the sky. Marvel at the symmetry of a child’s eyelashes. Trace the lines of your lover’s hand. When you focus on life’s simple joys, you connect to something far greater than yourself. This keeps life’s petty inconveniences into perspective. Being late for an appointment, having a garment ruined at the dry cleaner, and waiting in line at the post office line suddenly aren’t such a “big deal” in contrast to life’s miracle moments.
6. Let go. You are going to make mistakes – lots of them. Don’t keep reliving mistakes – that is cruel and unnecessary punishment. Learn from them, forgive yourself, and move on.
By now 26-year-old Rachel might be questioning my advice to take the pressure off (she was known to be quite stubborn at times). She might argue that she likes to please others, that she that she likes to make extreme sacrifices for quality results, and that she likes everyone to think everything is fine even when it’s not.
That is when I will show her pictures of my recent 40th birthday celebration.
You see, when I was twenty-six I expected myself to do something momentous on the day I turned forty. Like prove how youthful-looking I still was, or how professionally successful I had become, or reveal the profound impact I had made on the world by engaging in endless volunteer efforts.
But eighteen-months before I turned forty-years-old, I “got it.” And when I finally “got it,” I fell to my knees at the top of an Alabama hill with thirty-eight years of self-inflicted pain soaking the front of my shirt.
That is day my life changed – and with that, the plans for my momentous fortieth birthday did, too.
On my 40th birthday, I did something I had yearned to do all my life.
I took the pressure off.
I surrounded myself with those who lift me up …
I danced and sang with the one I love and didn’t give a damn what I looked or sounded like …
I indulged and savored every sweet bite and didn’t count a single calorie …
I allowed my true emotions to flow freely at the unexpected arrival of my sister …
my sister's hand and my hand
I relished the miraculous fact that my parents and my children were alive on this momentous day and we were all together in one place …
And on a whim, I put on my wedding dress. The last time I wore this dress I was walking down an isle into an exciting and undiscovered part of my life.
And now here I was, fourteen years later, stepping into a room where my five-year-old and eight-year-old daughters sat quietly unsuspecting of what they were about to see.
When I entered, two small jaws dropped. Words of admiration spilled out and embraced me with the kind of unconditional love I had deprived myself of for far too long.
And when I turned to do a twirl, I didn’t even bother to explain why the zipper stopped right below my shoulder blades, refusing to budge the last two inches.
The reason, or should I say ‘reasons,’ my wedding dress no longer zipped closed stood staring up at me. My heart had grown two sizes since I wore this dress fourteen years ago.
And with that wondrous realization, I twirled around the room with two of the greatest blessings in life.
As my children and I delighted in this exquisite moment when my past providentially merged with my present, words of a treasured friend came back to me.
She wrote, “I thought I would really hate turning forty, but I can honestly say that forty is freedom.”
Forty is freedom.
Why yes, forty IS freedom.
The pressure’s off.
And by the grace of God, it’s not too late for me to really start living.
Sweet freedom, in deed.
2012 Rachel in my bridal head piece with the light of self-acceptance shining through my eyes.
************************************************
Do you put unnecessary pressure on yourself? Does your inner critic tell you to look a certain way, achieve a certain level of success, or lead you to believe you are not a good enough spouse, parent, or human being?
Isn’t time to let go of this unachievable standard and start loving yourself right where you are today?
My friends, self-forgiveness is a powerful thing.
And it is not an exclusive gift for those turning forty, nor is it something you must get from someone else.
Taking the pressure off is a gift you give yourself.
Why not give it to your 2012 self today?
* If you feel this is a worthy message, please share it with some you love. And if you would like to find a place where other people are striving to let go of external and internal distraction, simply “like” our supportive community, The Hands Free Revolution, on Facebook to receive daily inspiration and ideas for grasping the moments that matter!
The Take The Pressure Off by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Wow!!!!! This ia a truly moving and magical post. And above all it is incredibly inspiring. This is what I need to hear and this is what I need to work on. May I be in the same happy place of self acceptance you are right now when I turn 40 in a couple of years. Happy birthday, I am so happy for you.
Thank you, Jen! To know you found something healing in today’s post is so meaningful to me. I hope you reach that loving place of self-acceptance in the days to come — even by getting a bit closer to that place, you experience a newfound freedom to truly embrace life’s simple joys without constraint. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey to grasp what matters!
Embracing simple joys without constraint. That is what I am striving for. Thanks so much for providing landmarks and other pointers along the way for my journey!!
40 is amazing! By the time we get to 40, it is a true gift to accept who we are and where we are in life and embrace the gorgeousness of it all.
A beautiful story, and I can imagine your daughters’ wonder as you turned into a bridal princess!
Thank you, Kristin! That is exactly it — “accepting who we are and embrace the gorgeousness of it all.” So beautifully stated. Oh and I wish I had a camera on my daughters’ faces. Those are expressions I will cherish forever. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Rachel,
This made my heart smile! LOVED this post. Especially the part about your heart growing two sizes. You are so beautiful, inside and out! Thank you for opening up your life with us all. I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts. I read a book not long after becoming a mother and it really changed me, it’s called “Tender Mercy for a Mother’s Soul”. Your post reminded me of that book this morning.
Thank you, Summer. I love to receive book recommendations from my friends traveling this journey to grasp what matters with me! I will definitely check that out. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words, as well.
Happy Free, Fabulous, Fun & 40th Birthday Rachel!
Again you bring forth such enlightenment.. the internal distraction. Beautiful. Awareness expands…
I can see through reading your post, where I have allowed Internal Distraction to rob me of moments that matter. Thank you. I am grateful you are so committed to sharing.. making a difference for us all.
I wanted to thank you for creating The Hands Free Revolution.. and inviting us in. My life has transformed (“I woke up”) since finding you a year ago. Not just my life… everyone in my space feels it. Especially my daughter. There was a time, as you know, she would ask me to be present with her, to turn off my cell phone & cuddle with her ‘before’ I turned on the computer. That conversation no longer exists. It fell away with time (and practice). I still keep that note on my computer from a year ago, now only to reflect & celebrate where I have come from.
Hands Free is a practice.. and a continued practice of anything becomes part of life. I am grateful to be practicing something that has such an incredible impact on my day to day.
I am celebrating my one year anniversary of being on the Hands Free Journey with you.
‘My heart has grown 2 sizes’,
Thank you Rachel.
Trish xo
Thank you, Trish. I cannot tell you what a message like this means to me. I am so honored to have you on this journey with me. Thank you for your transparency. You have given it from the moment I received your first message, and it has always inspired me to be authentic, too.
I love your insight: “Hands Free is a practice … and a continued practice of anything becomes a part of life.” WOW. You captured it. I knew letting go of daily distraction was a battle I faced every day, but I had never thought of it as a practice. Such a term really gives me perspective on how I want to live my life.
You are a dear soul. I am so thankful we connected through this space and this journey. I am so proud of you, friend.
Hi Rachel! This is so inspiring. I’m so happy to reconnect with your amazing wisdom and kindness through cyberspace. Thanks for the beautifully-expressed reminder of what truly matters. May happiness return to you in every possible way!
Thank you, Susan! What a treat to find this beautiful message from you! Thank you for the encouraging words. I wish you happiness, as well! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thank you, Rachel. Lately, my thoughts have been focused on the whys and toos I carry with me: Why didn’t I? Why did I? Too fat, too old – too late! Your beautiful words help me realize that I just keep trying to stuff more non-essentials into baggage that only gets heavier as time goes by. It is time to start unpacking!
So beautifully stated, Kathy! “I just keep trying to stuff more non-essentials into baggage that only gets heavy as time goes by.” I love this! I am grateful for your insight today. You have inspired me to think long and hard about what else I am carrying around that is weighing down my soul. THANK YOU!
Beautiful! My inner pressure is intense at times … I can definitely, definitely relate.
Thank you for meeting me in the light of realness, Shawn. It is comforting to know I am not alone in my efforts and hope to love myself right where I am at! I appreciate the comment and encouragement.
Beautiful post- things to remember. We’re our own worst enemies. That pressure is a societally-revered thing. It’s hard to shirk it. But, I’m learning to! And it does feel good!
I must say, I also have a bigger heart than I did at 26. I wouldn’t trade anything for the wisdom and friendships the Lord has given me along the way. Maintaining GRACE under PRESSURE is easy when I am blessed with encouraging friends like you!! Beautiful post written by a beautiful inspiration! Thank you Rachel! I am so happy you enjoyed a delightful 40th …may 41, 51, 61, 71, 81, 91, 101 and on continue to be more than you could ever hope for or imagine. God’s favor rests on you dear sister! Love you! HUGS and SMILES!!
Once again I feel SO LUCKY to have found you — your post is memorable and inspiring, like so many before it. Oh, and can I mention that beautiful picture of you?!
I turned 40 a few years ago and loved it. I took it as a wonderful opportunity to celebrate all that I had achieved and experienced — the momentous and the small moments that I will always carry with me. And as I turned 40, I looked forward with excitement. I didn’t know what I would do but I knew it was something new that I would embrace with passion. Five months later, I started working on Purple Leaves, Red Cherries . . . .
I just adored this piece!! Good, good good!
Thank you for this. It was deeply needed.
You are most welcome, Chelsey. You have touched my heart with your simple words.
I especially loved the enjoy the miracles of life. I love looking into the faces of my daughters and marveling at how crazy gorgeous they are. I get overwhelmed sometimes at home much I truly love them. They are so amazing. I love your posts!
I just finished reading this the eve of my fortieth birthday! Coincidence? I don’t think so. I feel so empowered by your words and wanted to share that I have been putting some of these tips into practice over the last year or so and it really has made a great difference to my life as a mother/wife/friend/daughter/etc. As a fellow Alabamian (Birmingham) and mother of five year old triplets I so relate to your blog in both parenting and cultural aspects! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! Windsor
Hi Windsor! Wow, it is a small world! Thank you for letting me know you live in AL! We have been here for almost 4 years and truly love it! I am thrilled to know you read this post on the eve of your 40th. Definitely NOT a coincidence! And how refreshing to know you have already put some of the tactics into practice. I have a feeling your 40s will be the best decade, yet! Thank you so much for taking time to comment and share a little about your life. I wish you the happiest of birthdays tomorrow. I already know you will be getting LOTS of HUGS and love from your children!
Hi Rachel,
I was just searching the internet for answers as to “why I feel so pressured to have a 40th birthday” which is in 5 weeks time and found your post!! But I already know the answer…..it is because I don’t want to have one unless I can make sure it is absolutely PERFECT! For the last 12 months I have been changing my hair colour, length etc and now 5 weeks out I have about an inch of hair all over…a lovely carrot colour too (the results of trying to go from blonde to black back to blonde again!!!)…in a desperate search to find myself and be truly happy inside and out with the way I look etc. But staring down the barrel of 40 I find myself become anxious and almost desperate to get all my answers. I feel I should have it all together by the day I turn 40… Suddenly I am not happy with anything it seems!!!! I have a beautiful husband and two darling boys aged 9 and 12. I have a beautiful home and great employers….what is my problem? Why is that not enough for me???? Why can’t I just go with the flow?? Why can’t I be grateful for all the beautiful things in my life? So, with discovering your post this morning I am determined to try and ‘let it go’ and ‘free myself of this turmoil’. THANK YOU for sharing your journey. It has given me a much needed positive perspective….Nina
Hi Nina, I received a message very similar to this one about a year ago. A woman had googled something about “finding the light.” It brought her to my blog. She felt it was exactly where she was meant to be. She began her Hands Free journey that night, and now, a year later, her life has been transformed. Distraction/pressure/perfection no longer rob her of her moments that matter .. she is no longer wondering why she is unhappy; she has found peace in herself and in her life. I hope that you will continue to come back and keep reading. Perhaps your own Hands Free journey started tonight, too. I hold my hand out to you … so glad to have you along.
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Rachel this is such a beautiful post – as always. I turned 40 this year as well. It’s the first birthday I have truly struggled with. Thank you for your enlightening words – a wonderful reminder to be grateful and to just breathe. To live and embrace every moment. I’ve linked to this post on my blog today.