What matters most can be as close as a breath upon on your face.
Sometimes I struggle with what “Hands Free” parts of my life to share with my readers. I often think, “This story is too simple; it doesn’t have some grand revelation or painful admission.” But over the last few weeks, tragic events have come to our attention. Sadly, they are no longer unusual stories; they happen every single day to people just like you and me.
This post is dedicated to those who have suffered the ultimate loss of someone they love and would do anything for one last goodbye.
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Are there times when you suddenly realize something you used to do for your child or grandchild is no longer needed?
Like when it occurs to you that you no longer need to hold him or her up to get a drink at a certain water fountain.
Or how the step stool he or she uses to help you in the kitchen is no longer required.
The worst is when you realize a word she couldn’t say correctly for the longest time (at our house it was ‘hanitizer’ instead of ‘hand sanitizer’ and ‘errupting’ instead of ‘interrupting’) now slides off her tongue with perfect pronunciation.
When that moment of realization hits me – that she grew up a little bit more somewhere between then and now – I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.
It feels like a miniature loss. And when this realization occurs, I experience a brief period of mourning knowing I will never hear the word “pasgetti” or see another backwards “s” again.
I became aware of one such loss as I waited to pick up my kindergartener in the carpool line recently. On this particular day, I could hardly wait to see her. For some reason, I was longing to hold her.
And then it hit me – one of those miniature losses.
Throughout the first several months of kindergarten, it was a tradition, a daily ritual, for us to exchange a hug and kiss before she got into the car to go to school. She never left without this expression of love for three solid months.
But now, it doesn’t happen anymore.
I racked my brain … when had it stopped?
I felt ashamed — I didn’t know.
All I knew was that now my five-year-old just hops into our friend’s vehicle with a smile and a quick, “I love you, Mama!”
I am sure many people are out there thinking, “Actually, that is GOOD. That is what you want your child to do … become independent.”
I would agree … EXCEPT … I am on a journey to grasp the moments that matter.
And a hug and kiss before you leave the company of someone you love is at the top of my official Moments That Matter List. In fact, it just MIGHT hold the #1 position of what really matters in life.
And I had a sneaking suspicion my child still needed, welcomed, and treasured a morning goodbye hug and kiss, but the tradition had just gotten lost in the chaotic morning rush.
Daily Distraction strikes again.
Well, I wanted the daily ritual back.
And I had the power to make it happen.
Immediately I thought of the parents who didn’t have the power to make it happen, and I couldn’t help but cry for them.
Lately it seems there are more and more tragic losses of precious children. I force myself to read these heart-breaking stories, like this one, this one, this one, or this one to the very end because I need those wake-up calls. I need to be shaken with the realization that there very well could be a day when my child (or significant other) walks out that door and never walks back in.
And God forbid, it would occur on a day that I didn’t give a hug and kiss goodbye.
So that evening, when my youngest child and I got out her talk time journal at bedtime, I immediately confessed I had been feeling badly about something.
I said, “Remember how we used to ALWAYS hug and kiss before you went to school each morning?”
She nodded solemnly, and I continued.
“Well, now you just hop in the car and wave goodbye with no hug and kiss. And I think it might be because I am so focused on ‘homework, backpack, lunch, snack, shoes, socks, and hair,’ that it gets forgotten.”
Her expression now matched my own face: sadness.
I pulled her onto my lap and whispered, “I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I don’t want you to leave without a hug and kiss before you go each morning. Would that be okay with you?”
She barely waited until I finished my sentence when an exuberant YES came out of her mouth.
And then my clever little kindergartener, who is accustomed to seeing yellow sticky-notes plastered to our microwave, doorknob handles, and countertops, quickly offered up a way to remember.
She picked up her journal, flipped to a clean page, and started writing. Within minutes, the reminder sign read:
“X-O-X-O Before You Go.”
The motto was brilliant – and it even rhymed! This creation definitely came straight from a singin’ ukulele-playing child.
The extra X’s and O’s and a backwards “g” were visible proof that I must grasp the moments that matter while I still can.
The next morning, the ‘XO’ sign was fresh on her mind. She ran right over to the door leading to the garage to make sure I had placed it exactly where she instructed. When she saw it, she smiled so widely that her eyes became tiny slivers of joy.
Before long, we were doing the almost-time-to-go morning scramble to gather shoes, coats, and book bags.
But today I had something else on my mind. And it was taking priority over the not-as-important details.
I called out, “We can’t forget ‘XOXO Before You Go’!”
My older daughter, who was standing there ready to exit, raised her eyebrows and asked, “What is that?”
My kindergartner answered by happily demonstrating for her big sister. She ran into my arms and hugged me with all her strength, and then kissed me tenderly on the cheek.
Although my older daughter had a “you-guys-are-weird” look on her mature face, I grabbed her and kissed her, too.
She actually melted into me for several seconds. I swear she breathed my scent like an old familiar friend who had been sorely missed.
Minutes later, we pulled up to the carpool line at school. My five-year-old was the last to exit the car behind my oldest child and two friends.
“XO before you go!” she hollered as a pair of tiny pink lips planted one more kiss on my cheek without warning.
I had begun this day seeking ONE kiss and ONE hug. I got ended up getting three … and so much more. What mattered most was now as close as a breath upon on my face.
My cheek tingled on the spot where I was kissed – I hoped it might remain there all day.
I placed my hand softly over the warm spot on my face and thanked God for this beautiful reminder I had been given …
While I cannot control what happens once they leave my side, I can control what happens in those sacred minutes before we say good-bye.
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If you wish to make one small, but impactful effort to let go of distraction and grasp what matters, I would suggest not being on the phone (or refrain from being distracted) when your children or loved ones exit your car or leave home. Whether they are just going to a friend’s house, sports practice, or just going to work like they do every day — that’s beside the point. When they leave your presence, give them a proper good-bye.
Let it be known they will be missed.
Let it be known they are loved.
Life can be cruel and unpredictable. Make the most out of every goodbye while you still have the chance.
And if necessary, make a reminder sign.
“X-O-X-O Before You Go” applies to anyone, regardless of age or gender.
*If you feel this is a worthy message, please share it. Someone out there will thank you for reminding him or her about the preciousness of a loving good-bye.
The XO Before You Go by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
I hope this saying can be read in a book someday. Love it…using it…copying it.
Thank you so much for sharing,
Lori
Once my book is published (crossing fingers), my daughters and I plan to write a book that describes the Hands Free tactics THEY created, like this one! Our children are our best “Hands Free” teachers, aren’t they?
So happy to hear you loved it and are going to use the motto at your house, Lori!
You made me cry . . . my baby is only 3 months old and I’m already dreading her growing up and rolling her eyes at hugs and kisses. Thank you for the reassurance that it still matters to them when our babies get big.
Oh yes, Juliet, hug them and kiss them as long as you can! It matters SO much. Our mornings have been given a beautiful new shine and we ALL (even the mature 8-year-old) carry it with us the whole day! Thank you for sharing and congratulations on your new blessing.
My eyes are all watery & my heart is melted! My Ethan is 7 months old & I dont want to EVER let him go… But God lent him to us for a little while to prepare him to move on! But this is so deep & so powerful! AMEN to it & we will start this in our home!
Thank you for the lovely feedback. It sounds like Ethan is very blessed to have a mom and dad that love him so much. I really appreciate the comment today, my friend.
My daughter is now 24 years old, and about to bring her own little girl or boy into the world. She still has the little notes I tucked into her lunch box in elementary school; we still squeeze hands to say I Love You when we’re walking; and I know she’s going to be a great mom. Not only does it all still matter to them as they become older children, it carries forward into their parenting and their relationships with everyone they meet.
Um-teary-eyed. Thank you.
Thank you, sweet friend. I don’t usually cry at my own posts, but this one did it. Just love what my children have to teach me about life.
Rachel this is fantastic…. I too shall copy!
I am so glad, Jennifer! I can’t wait to hear Jim’s reaction. I know he will be giving the XO sign two thumbs up! Thanks for the comment and support!
Thank you so much for this. I have tears in my eyes, even without following the links yet. My son is almost 8 and we have had some of those small/huge losses, but I also know he would allow me to carry him right to the door of his school if I were so inclined.
Awww … sounds like you have a very loving and sensitive son. He will make a great husband someday! Keep doing what you are doing! And thank you for the encouraging comment.
So sweet and a wonderful reminder. I love your approaches and always take something away from your writing. We still hug and kiss goodbye here and I’m going to make sure we never stop.
Thank you, Tricia. Your kind words mean so much! I am thankful to hear the hugs and kisses are alive and well at your home. That makes me feel very hopeful.
You truly have a gift not only for writing, but for putting into words, what every parent feels. Reading your posts, I find myself nodding my head in agreement and even though some realizations hurt, we can’t make corrections in our lives and grasp those moments that matter, without those realizations. I especially loved your admittance of even though we want our kids to be independent, it is hard to let them grow out of so many stages…the one that hit home for me was the vocabulary. I think about the words my 2 1/2 year old use to say, ba-da-dees for strawberries, mu-oom for milk, Mamoo for his Nanno…it hit me the other day when he asked for strawberries and I did a double take thinking, “When did you start saying strawberries?” Now I pay special attention to the sweet way he says “mine” for my or stills calls a fire truck a “nee-nah” and I cherish it. I bought a children’s quote journal for Christmas and your post gives me a gentle reminder to write in it now before I forget some of these unique sayings.
I just love your blog and have shared it with so many friends who in turn love it as well. Please keep writing! I will most definitely be buying your book when it gets published! Thank you:-)
Thank you, Melanie. I am truly touched by your words. It is so comforting to know my messages speak to other parents out there. One particular statement you made stands out to me: “Even though some realizations hurt, we can’t make corrections in our lives and grasp those moments that matter without those realizations.” So beautifully stated.
I also loved reading your son’s adorable words and am inspired by the fact that you notice these things and remember them so vividly. The quote journal will be a treasure for your son when he is older. My kids love to hear the funny things they said when they were 2 and 3. I am so glad I took the time to write them down.
Melanie, thank you for sharing my messages with your friends and for supporting me. You can’t imagine how much that means! I am honored to have you on this journey with me! Thank you for making my day with your words.
This made me tear up at work today. It is exactly how I feel especially with how every day my little one changes and seems so grown up sometimes. (She’s only 2 1/2) Today when I picked her up from her sitter, she ran over to me with a big scrunched up smile on her face, hugged my legs and said “i’m glad you’re here Mommy” and squeezed me. I almost cried again. I know these days won’t last forever but I will revel in them for as long as I can.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment you had today. Being greeted by our children is one of life’s greatest gifts, in my opinion. Your daughter is very blessed to have a mother who is focused on her at pick up time and cherishes those greetings. I am so glad you shared this today. Thank you!!!
Sadly, at 25 years old, I received a phone call that my sweet Grandma Miller had a very serious heart attack in the middle of the night and was in the hospital. On my three hour drive to see her for what I couldn’t believe would be the last time, I kept wondering if she had heard the answering machine message I left for her earlier that day. In my heart I feel that she did. It gives me comfort that she knew that I was thinking of her and that she got to hear me say that I loved her. I am so glad I left the message instead of hanging up. Nearly 15 years later, I can remember the message I left her. I miss her terribly, and I am so glad she knew she was and is greatly loved.
Sent from my iPhone
Thank you, Shallie. This is a beautiful testament to the importance of an intentional, loving goodbye. I am so glad you feel at peace knowing your grandma was gifted with your loving message before she departed this earth. And because I know you personally, I am confident your grandma knew just how much you loved her. You have always been open about your affection, and I have been blessed to be a recipient of your support and love. Thank you for sharing. I will be calling my parents first thing in the morning (it is past their bedtime now). I want to tell them how much I love them, even though I told them today. You can never say, “I love you” too many times. Thank you, sweet friend.
Thank you so much for your blog. I stumbled upon it a couple weeks ago and was so struck and gently convicted about being a distracted momma. I have 3 precious girls (7, 6 and almost 3) and I feel so incredibly blessed. But I have become distracted and busy with all that is required to keep a home functioning. I started losing track of what really matters. It IS the extra long hug or sitting your big girl on your lap when she needs some extra loving. It’s listening to your 2 year old sing her favorite song over and over and over and over~ and cherishing how she has her own little version of that song. there are so many amazing opportunities every single day and I don’t want to miss them anymore. You mentioned several news articles referring to the loss of precious children. That same type of thing has gotten my attention this year as I continue to pray for the cousin of a friend who lost her precious 4 year old daughter in a horrible car accident over a year ago. I think and pray for her often as she grieves and her arms long to hold her sweet angel.
Thank you thank you for your inspiring and encouraging words. They are a daily reminder that I want to be focused on what really matters and not distracted. I look forward to your next post!
Thank you, Brooke. It is messages like yours that fuel my writings and inspire me to continue to share my daily triumphs and struggles to live more presently in a distracted world. I admire your honesty and willingness to look inward. That was my first (and critical) step into my Hands Free journey. It was painful, but once I became aware of my distraction, I was able to start making better choices on how to spend my time. I loved the opportunities you describe to connect with your daughters. It is truly that simple … they are there just waiting for us to soak up their gifts. I am blessed to have you along on this journey. Thank you for taking time to let me know you are here.
Rachel,
I loved this post for many reasons, but mainly because I see myself in this same situation with my 2-year old daughter. I have learned to cherish our bedtime routine: after her bath, I wrap her in her pink hooded towel and she climbs into my arms, lately saying, “Mommy, I your baby, otay?” She then grabs my face in her hands and gives me a big wet kiss on the mouth. We get her jammies on, find her favorite bear, and she takes me by the hand and pulls me into her room to kneel by her bed. “Time to tay payers, Mommy.” So we kneel and thank God for our blessing, and I often find myself silently but fervently thanking Him for her. We then sing songs in the dark for 5 minutes and I lay her in bed with a kiss and a “tight squeeze”. It’s so amazing how every negative thought or irritation or distraction I may have had throughout the day melts in those few tender moments. I’m so glad we established a routine that she loves and that she knows each night before going to sleep, that her parents love her. If I do nothing else right as a parent, that is enough to make me feel like I’ve fulfilled the sacred stewardship God has given me.
Thank you again for posting. I never tire of your stories and your heart-felt words of wisdom.
-Tasha Hale
Thank you for sharing this, Tasha! What a beautiful nightly ritual you have created for your daughter. I loved hearing all the loving details and her adorable little sentiments. It brought back some of my favorite memories! I remember vividly when my girls were little enough to wrap into a towel and carry to their rooms after bath. I loved how they smelled and how their hair was all curly.
Thank you for your encouragement and loving words about my writings tonight. I am so happy you found my blog and are on this journey with me!
This is so lovely, Rachel!! So catchy. My girls get out of the car for drop off and it’s rather stressful situtation because we don’t want to hold up the line so the hugs and kisses have stopped. Good reminder that that depature should show love in some way!! xoxo to you!
I am feeling one of those ‘miniature losses’ today, although it does not feel miniature. Every other Friday I go through this (((missing))) as she goes off to her dad’s for his week with her. I already miss not being able to kiss her everyday. To tuck her in a night. To see her smile. Everyday. I miss that. A lot. Especially on the change over Friday. Today.
I love that you have a list. ‘Moments that matter most.’ I am inspired to make one. And to have my little miss make one too. I want to know what the moments are that matter most to her… and expand them…
Thank you R.
xo to you.
As I sit here work on finalizing my book proposal, you have given me inspiration, Trish! It interests me to know that you like my idea of “Moments That Matter List,” I have never shared it, but maybe I will! And maybe it should be part of my book, especially a great way to get my readers thinking about what is important in their lives. Oh, and I love how you thought of having your daughter make one, too. You are so inspiring to me.
Thank you for sharing your not-so-miniature loss today. You bring me a new awareness, a new appreciation for the strength of parents. You must go through something I do not have to endure … my heart goes out to you, sweet friend.
I am in love with your blog….I need to go snuggle my kids…..Just have to comment about how happy I am to find your blog….everything I am reading is just what I have been trying to figure out! Everything I have been thinking for a long time – but, haven’t know what to do with all my thought/feelings. I am so sad about the time I have wasted ….but, so excited to be on this new journey! thanks for sharing!
Ah-mazing! Almost exactly a year ago, I taped pink (her favorite) and purple (his favorite) laminated X’s and O’s to our main door — a reminder to kiss and hug before we leave the house. We MUST do this, just like putting on shoes, and with each hug and kiss, I give them each a little blessing — a prayer of sorts to guide their few hours at preschool, away from me. At first, I thought that even a 3 and 5 year old would roll their eyes at their mama, getting so serious about a stinkin’ kiss-and-hug — but no. They love it. Sometimes I grab them as they’re talking, just to hold them close while I listen — but they stop. Time stops when it’s time for our goodbye hug. They get quiet, hold me tight, let me hold them and whisper in their ears, and they give me gorgeous open-eyed kisses. After that, the day can carry on as it will, but we never miss the XOXO. I love this ritual, and hope it lets them know every day that they are cherished and missed while we’re apart.
Thank you for this post and your beautiful blog — I didn’t intend to share so much, but you inspired me and surely others, too.
X’s and O’s to you.
Thank you for another beautiful reminder that time with our children is precious! Will remember to XOX my wee one more often now that she’s still very young!
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because of you, i walk my first grade son to the front door of his classroom every single morning hand in hand with 3 squeezes from me (i love you) and 4 squeezes back from him. we’re making our xoxo before you go sign today! thanks so much.
Julie, I have been crying much of the past two days. To read your message brings me happy tears. I will now go to bed thinking of you and your son and your loving exchange, and I feel hopeful for the future. Thank you so much for letting me know.
I am so glad to be journeying with you. Your insights have redirected my actions on more than one occassion. I love this simple reminder. XO. Your wisdom is refreshingly simple. I can’t wait to read your book! I want to find a reminder for our entry way – so I can be intentional and present in each moment. Also, I want to model for my children what really matters. Thanks!
Jackie, your words mean so much to me. I am so grateful we are in this together. Like the message from Julie before you, I feel a sense of renewed hope just reading your desires for your children. Much love to you, my friend.
So beautiful. I’ve been trying to use my phone in a different way to capture little videos of the little things I love my 3 year old saying…things like you mentioned that will be gone in a second. Thank you for this I love your heart and your way of touching so many people. Whenever we leave each other I still want to have that kiss from each child and hug and let them know how loved they are. I know there has to be so much heartache for parents as they send their babies to school today (as we homeschool) but I still know that no one is immune to something happeneing unexpected to change their life in a split second. As I leave the children at church, dance class, walk in to walmart etc. God doesn’t promise us tomorrow, so we talk to our babies always about making today the best it can be. Much love !!
What a great thought! It’s so hard to remember these little things. I loved your blog and your thoughts.
I loved this. Thank you.
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I bought a refrigerator magnet awhile back – it was a caricature of a mother holding a baby close. I thought it was funny at the time…The saying on the picture was “when do sweet babies become such jackasses”. The magnet was above our dry erase board on the fridge. My 18 year old son wrote (on the dry erase board), “when you stop holding us like this”. I had stopped holding him, hugging him, although I swore that would never happen. I went up to his room and gave him the biggest hug and asked for his forgiveness. We hug every day now.