Sometimes I write about letting go of daily distraction. Sometimes I write about grasping what matters. And sometimes I just sit down and write something that’s on my heart. Every time I do, someone out there writes to tell me that message was meant for him or her. Maybe today’s message is for you.
I waited six years for this moment. It was the confirmation for which I yearned.
My eight-year-old daughter’s small hand shook nervously as she held the microphone. Standing in front of a large audience, she described how she chose “The Girl With the Broken Smile” from an array of children in desperate need of education, friendship, and hope.
She concluded her inspiring speech by adding, “You, too, can put a smile on the face of a heartbroken child like I did.”
It was all I could do not to take the microphone from her hands and say, “There’s just one more thing.”
And with conviction, I wanted to look into the eyes of every parent in the audience and say these words:
Someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe a year from now, someone will tell you that your child has an issue, a problem, a weakness. Someone will tell you your child needs to be changed.
But before you attempt to stifle that issue out, I beg you to look at the flip side. Take your child’s “problem” and look at it from the other side. With the right nurturing and encouragement, that weakness might turn into your child’s gift. And to deny it, alter it, or extinguish it could have tragic results.
I know because someone once told me to change the very heart of the child who just stood here and told you how she is saving another person’s life.
This is my story …
My older daughter was nearly three at the time, her unique personality already beginning to take shape. She was an attentive caregiver of stuffed animals. She comforted other children when they got hurt. She was kind to all creatures, even the unsightly roly-poly bugs on the sidewalk. My child loved singing and dancing and coming to Miss Sue’s music class.
Normally she stood up the entire class period laughing and smiling, but not on this particular day. On this day, her face was buried in the front of my shirt. She wasn’t crying, but she was hurt … sad … offended.
Another child had aggressively grabbed the musical instrument she was playing from her hands. As I comforted her, I could feel a penetrating glare coming from the mother sitting next to me. She was a woman who I considered a friend.
In a disapproving tone she chided, “All I can say is you need to toughen that child up.”
And if that wasn’t enough, the woman then predicted a dismal future.
“Because if you don’t toughen her up, she is going to have a VERY rough life ahead of her.”
I drove home from music class admitting the fact that yes, my child did get her feelings hurt easily and yes, she was extremely tender hearted, but I saw something that woman did not. I saw the flip side of my child’s “weakness.”
On the flip side of being overly sensitive and tender hearted I saw compassion, altruism, and kindness.
I'll never forget the day I looked into those eyes and made my child a promise.
And when we got home, I looked into my child’s big brown eyes that held so much promise and declared, “I will never ever ‘toughen you up.’ Mark my words. Someday, someday that tender heart inside you will be your gift.”
Someday has arrived … six years later. Six years later, I have received confirmation – three signs of confirmation to be exact.
When my daughter was asked to speak to our church congregation about her experience sponsoring a child through Compassion International, she was hesitant. She was so nervous at the thought of speaking in front of so many people that at first she said no. But after thinking about it awhile, she changed her mind. Knowing there would be thirty available children who needed to be paired with a sponsor, she said, “If I get up there and speak instead of an adult, I bet more people will sponsor a child.”
And she was right.
That was confirmation #1 that I did the right thing by rejecting the warning to “toughen her up.”
A few days later, my daughter excitedly announced that she was going to receive an award at school. Her teacher described the reason she was being recognized to her like this: “You are always kind to everyone. It doesn’t matter who it is, you are always kind, caring, and helpful.”
That was confirmation #2 that it had been a wise decision to nurture my child’s tender heart, rather than “toughen her up.”
But it wasn’t until I was cleaning out my daughter’s backpack that the third and greatest confirmation was discovered.
At the bottom of her book bag there was a speech she had written and recited to her class before being voted class president in a mock election.
My daughter wrote:
My name is Natalie. Here are some reasons you should vote for me. I am hard working. I am very kind. I take care of the animals and the plants. I have self-control. I am very brave and honest. I am caring and a little curious. I am very smart and fun. I make a good leader. I care about other people. I am so exided to be one of the class presitents. Please vote for me.
I cried as I held that paper.
I cried for every little boy whose parents are told he is too rambunctious, too inquisitive, too loud.
I cried for every little girl who parents are told her head is in the clouds, that she is a daydreamer, and too much of a free spirit.
I cried for every little boy whose parents are told he is too small, too weak, and too timid to ever play the game.
I cried for every little girl whose parents are told she is too clumsy, too uncoordinated, too slow to ever succeed.
I cried for the mother who was told her child needed to be toughened up and for ever year that mother waited for the moment she would know she had done the right thing by nurturing that tender heart.
The moment was now.
And there was cause for celebration. Not because I had been “right”. Oh no, there was something much more miraculous to celebrate.
In the act of protecting, nurturing, and encouraging that overly sensitive heart at age three, my child’s gift had blossomed.
And what was more important than the fact the world could see and appreciate her gift was the fact that she could see it herself … among the other gifts she possessed.
I shudder to think if I had tried to change her, mold her into something she was not. What would I have destroyed in my beautiful child?
I was certain she could have never written these words, her purpose, her future in clear legible letters.
Herein lies the flip side to an overly sensitive heart – and it’s a beautiful sight to behold.
confirmation #3: my daughter's class president speech
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As I was putting the final touches on this post, a tragic headline inundated every source of news media. A young man killed and injured classmates in a shooting spree at an Ohio school. Reports said he kept to himself, and he was quiet and withdrawn.
I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone had ever looked into his eyes and told him of the gifts they saw within him.
As a teacher of children with behavioral and anger management issues for ten years, I attempted one thing with my students. I formed a bond with them simply by seeing their strengths and telling them of the gifts I saw. Even though plenty of other adults said, “Those kids will be in prison in ten years,” I chose to believe otherwise. And my students knew that.
A few days ago, I received a message from one of my former students, now a young adult. He wrote to tell me he is getting his associates degree, writing a book, and has spent the last several years actively assisting a local youth group. He ended the message by saying I was the reason he believed he could achieve his dreams and is doing so today.
Today’s “Hands Free” challenge is simple, but powerful:
Look in a child’s eyes and see the good. Tell the young person you believe in him or her. Then do whatever you can to encourage and nurture those gifts you see.
Weaknesses have a flip side – they have the potential to become strengths. And it only takes one person to take something others see as a “negative” and mold it into something in which dreams are made.
*If you feel this is a worthy message, I ask that you share it. With your help, this message can reach thousands of people who have the power to change the life and future of a child. Thank you. Please visit “The Hands Free Revolution” this week for inspiring ways you can build up a child.
The The Light on the Flip Side by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
And I am crying now as I read this. Thank you. Thank you for what you write and how you think and why you do what you do. I feel connected to you even through the words that you write and am honored to consider you a friend. Well, a cyber-friend. I love what you’re doing with your child. It reminds me of how I care for my children. And I too wonder how some tender care could have changed the outcome of the Ohio case. So tragic. But so much love exists in this world and I hope and pray we can make a difference. Much love.
Thank you, El. You know I love your authenticity and how you openly write the hurts that are on your heart. As I wrote this, I thought of your post about the child inside you. We all have that child inside us that needs affirmation and love. Thank you for reminding me there is love in this world. May it find its way to our precious children.
Exactly. Every child is created in the image of God, and God chooses to reveal a different facet of God’s own self through each one. We are called to guide each one of the little ones in our care to be 100% authentically him or her. We also need to remember that deep down, we are all “little ones.” How blessed N & A are to have you as a mother who treasures their individual gifts. Thank you, sweet friend.
xoxo
Thank you for your profound words, MaryAnn. Every time I stepped into your classroom, I felt the love that radiated from you to every single one of your students. I found your classroom as a safe haven from what could be a cruel world for most 5th graders. Your classroom was a place where it was ok to just simply be yourself. I cannot begin to imagine how many lives you have touched and how many tragedies have been diverted simply by having YOU as a teacher. You so beautifully illustrate the awesome power that ONE positive influence can have on a child’s life. THANK YOU!!!!
Oh, the misguided advice of strangers, thinking in one passing moment, they know our journey better than we do. If I had a nickel for every time a family member has offered to “fix” my Sara. To which I always reply, “I was unaware she was broken. In fact, I’m fairly certain that no matter how painful this journey, we were meant to be on it together. No fixing needed, but thank you for your frightening offer.”
Natalie needs no more toughening up than Sara needs “fixing”. The world is harsh enough without home being a safe place to land. Stamping out God’s gifts is an absolute tragedy. Good for you to see the light!
Love you too!!
Lori, I have always admired the way you advocate for your kids. Although finding the answers have not been easy, you never once gave up or considered the issues as a negative. You accept your children AS they are and promote the beautiful gifts inside them. Now look where you are! I have always said if I could be your daughter, I would.
Rachel once again your story touched my heart. It is amazing that you recognized the true nature of your daughter’s heart.
She is a young lady that has the heart of God. As Jesus said “that the pure in heart shall see God.” She is experiencing how I believe that our Lord looks down with compassion and love for all who are suffering and are longing for help.
David, I thank you for your kind words. I always appreciate hearing your spiritual wisdom and insights. I have known from a very early age that the times when I feel the closest to God is when I am doing something for someone who can never repay me. I am certain my daughters are beginning to experiencing that same peace and fulfillment when they act with kindness and compassion to those in need. Thank you for taking time to read and comment. It means so much.
You just made me cry too. That was beautiful and just what I needed today after a challenging day with my eldest child. Thank you x
Thank you, Deborah. You have touched me with your words. I am so grateful you feel like my message spoke to you today.
Absolutely beautiful. What a wonderful world it would be if EVERY child had someone to notice and acknowledge the many strengths he/she has within his/her self.
I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such a loving comment.
Thank you so much for writing this, Rachel! I have a little one that can be viewed two ways – impulsive, loud, obnoxious, hyper OR carefree, outgoing, active, and curious. Those who choose the first descriptors will be totally frazzled by him. They are the ones that give disapproving looks, make negative comments, and can’t or don’t hide the fact that he’s driving them crazy. I hope he doesn’t run into too many people like that, because they will be the ones to break his spirit.
My hope is that my acceptance and nurturing of his gifts of curiosity and free-spiritedness (is that a word?) will enable him to ignore the negative reactions of others and to love himself as he is.
What makes me sad is that it wasn’t until he came into my life that I realized that I’d been the person giving disapproving looks or telling myself, “My child will never be like THAT.” As a former teacher, I can think of a few kids that totally drove me crazy. It was because I focused on their weaknesses and what I considered “less desirable” personality traits, rather than accepting them and turning them into strengths. I pray I was the exception, rather than the rule, in their lives, and I pray my little one won’t encounter teachers like me. Most of all, I thank God for using my precious child to show me the error of my ways and reshaping my heart.
Thank you for your heartfelt honesty. I think we all can say that we have looked at a child (or even adults, for that matter) with the look of disdain, unable to see past the “issues.” I am inspired by the response this post is having. Perhaps it will bring a little more awareness, a little more acceptance, a little more love where it is most needed. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your valuable experience and insight.
I have tears in my eyes as well. Rachel, this may be my favorite post of yours so far… and you continue to amaze me with your insights. My son is very sweet, reserved, and sensitive, and at just 1 year old, our first nanny told me that she wanted to teach him to be more independent. I said, “He is 1. You pick him up when he’s crying. You must be an extension of me.” I don’t want him to be toughened up, either. I want him to learn how to be sweet and still stand up for himself, yes. But I so agree with you. Thank you.
I love when I hear about parents being advocates for their children, Kristin. After all, if we are going to defend them, who will? Your son is very blessed to have a mother who wants him to grow into an assertive, confident young man who is also kind-hearted and gentle. He is exactly the kind of man I hope my daughter will marry someday! Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts!
Unbelievable timing! I have been struggling with something that I just talked through with my DH yesterday… That expectation that my kids be like me. Moreover, that they thrive where my childhood issues stood out… So that they don’t feel pain where I did. My motivation was pure, but my path so wrong. I am realizing that my kids have strengths and personalities different than mine, and although they might not be the first one noticed and appreciated, or chose the same approach I would hope, they are amazing just the way they are. I am going to make every day an opportunity to watch for their gifts and tell them how great they are!
Thank you!
I love your insight, Tracy!!! I think we all have the tendency as parents to want what is best for our child when sometimes we don’t realize that its what WE want, not what they want (or have the ability to do.) I love your commitment to look for their gifts and encourage those gifts. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
This is a precious post! I am so proud of your little girl! God designed each of us with unique and special gifts, and those gifts should never be thwarted. Those gifts blossom and bless! My husband and son always joke about me being the “rambunctionator” because I am so rambunctious…..but they appreciate it and love that gift….when I knock something over or make loud racket, it becomes an entertaining and laughable time. Instead of condemning that unique gift they praise it. This message was about children, but oh how we ALL need to embrace our gifts and not let anyone define who they want us to be. Our identity is in Christ, and He chose us! Beautiful! Thank you Rachel….you are a GEM….what an amazing gift you share! Love you
Susie, your post makes me smile. I love that your family has embraced your rambunctious style and accepted this is just who you are! It is freeing to be loved just as you are, isn’t it? Thank you for your loving words of encouragement. You make my day.
Wow! Thank you for sharing this, you were describing my son verbatim. He has always been so sensitive, my own dad even told me that I needed to do something so he won’t turn out gay one day. Parents always said, he is just so different than normal kids, whatever that means. A year ago, I accepted the “differences” and embrace them. We are now a homeschooling family.
Your words are so beautifully written and passionate, thank you again for sharing!
Whitney, your post brings tears to my eyes. I have heard from lots of parents of boys today whose well-intentioned friends and family have instructed that they change their sensitive child. I am so encouraged by your support of your child — loving him and accepting him just as he is. You bring a ray of hope to me tonight. Thank you.
Love this! Thank you! I feel like this was written for me today.
Oh Sara, I love to receive messages like this! Thank you for telling me.
Hi Rachel,
Sometimes, we want to live our lives through our kids. Our second chance at doing things we could not do as kids. We often push our kids to do things they are not willing to do. The outcome is often a wasted effort and unproductive for all involved. Thanks for steering us back on track, challenging us to seek the strength in weakness. Your footprints, for your fans, trail a path of clarity. Your wisdom wows me.
I am so honored and touched by your comment, Muriel. Thank you for taking the time to let me know this post resonated with you. I am so glad you are here.
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Good for you! I so glad that you were about to able patiently for the confirmation that your choice was the right one. That is SO hard for a mom!
Such a beautiful post for such a beautiful daughter.
My son shares common characteristics with your daughter. He is kind, open-hearted, admiringly happy, and very sensitive. When his heart gets broken, he cries. I love him deeply for all of these things.
What worries me is what I see in the greater world. the mother next to you in music-class is a startling example of this, and is not unusual I’m afraid. I see less and less room for people with open hearts and generous dispositions, and I worry that these kinds of children and adults-to-be are in for a challenging life. As our culture (and our political leaders) continues to espouse personal gain, selfishness and power above all, these kinds of children are going to have to work very hard to find a place for compassion and community in this emerging world.
Thank you, Matthew, for sharing your profound insight. I am in total agreement with you about the values of our culture. And it disturbs me almost daily to read the news about what has become acceptable behavior in our society from both parents and children. However, I think there is always room for kindness and love, at least that is what I chose to believe. I still think people gravitate to those who exude positive and compassionate qualities. I keep reminding my daughter to be nice to everyone and then she can look back in life and be proud of the way she lived. I am so glad to know there are little boys out there who are cut of the same cloth! Thank you for taking time to comment!
I have never read anything from you before, i just saw a link to your page on facebook that someone posted, and this post made me cry. I am only 18 years old, i dont have children but i hope to someday. Reading about your experiences with your daughter has made me realise that i hope, one day i can be a mother as amazing as you.
Madison, you have touched my heart with your beautiful words. Thank you for the gift you have given me. I hope your friends and family realize what an extraordinary young lady you are. Thank you for shining your beautiful light here today.
This was beautiful, and brought tears to my eyes. I was always told (mockingly) that I was too sensitive. I vowed never to do that to my children. Their character traits are part of who they are, and should be nurtured. Thank you for bringing light to such an important topic.
*I found your blog through the Write on Edge weekend linkup
Your daughters are so cute..please give them an extra squeeze for me:-)