The lesson of the little glasses is a powerful one, but you must be ready to surrender.
Eight months ago my 5 year old daughter got glasses.
I will never forget the moment, standing in the vision center, as she tried on frames that appealed to her. On the 7th attempt, she placed a pair with glittery pink rims on her face and peered in the mirror.
BAM.
My typically smiley girl, who all along was merely a bud, exploded into full bloom.
Three words:
Sunflower on steroids
While most people, adults and children alike, often flinch, cry, or curse at the first sight of themselves in obtrusive eyewear, my child delighted in it.
As she clenched the mirror in her small hands, glowing in response to her own reflection, unexpected tears sprung to my eyes. Then a deep sigh of relief escaped my lungs; I was grateful that she liked her glasses, but more importantly, that she liked herself in them.
And throughout the past eight months, nothing has changed when it comes to the glasses.
Each morning as I gently buff the lenses with a soft cloth, my daughter stands there in eager anticipation of the beloved spectacles being placed on her face.
By her enthusiastic expression, you would think I’m about place a crown of Oreos on her head or hand her a certificate that says, “Actually, you CAN suck your thumb for the rest of your life.”
But it’s just the glasses.
And it’s that same explosion of happiness upon her face.
Sunflower on steroids
There she stands, displaying utter and complete joy as she looks at life through those little rims.
And I am in awe … and a tiny bit jealous.
“What the heck does she see when she peers through those things?” I wonder to myself every morning.
I thought for sure we would have had to replace those tiny designer spectacles at least ten times by now—resorting to buying economically priced eyewear in bulk at Costco or perhaps resorting to a strap around her neck like an absent-minded professor.
But my five year old child, the one who forgets to turn off the water after washing her hands, has never lost her glasses. She cares for them; she loves them.
For months, I’ve wanted to write about my child and her spectacles. I knew there was something there—a huge “Hands Free” lesson just waiting to be revealed.
But I couldn’t figure out what it was. The truth is, I wasn’t ready for that lesson; I hadn’t become “Hands Free” enough.
I was still holding onto distraction, which on this journey comes in the form of both external and internal distraction. And the internal distraction called “perfection,” specifically the desire to please everyone, is something I’ve been holding on to with a death grip.
But recently I made some progress.
The progress occurred the day after my guest post on the popular parenting blog, “Scary Mommy.”
On my own blog, I posted a short introduction for my readers that directed them to my story on Scary Mommy entitled, “Saturday #286.”
I knew this short post would hit my subscribers’ inboxes around 11:30 a.m. So around that time I half-heartedly worked on a new post while nervously anticipating the dreaded email “ding” notifying me of a subscription cancellation.
Ding.
Ding.
Two people decided they no longer wanted to subscribe to “Hands Free Mama.”
Instantly I wondered what I had done “wrong.” I mentally reviewed my post section by section as if I could figure out where I had offended. Shortly thereafter came the feelings of rejection, disappointment, and shame.
And because I was focused so intently on the two subscription drops, I failed to delight in this:
- the 57 positive comments that followed the post, as well as the encouraging remarks that flooded my inbox
- the fact that the post was shared 5,576 times on Facebook
- the gain of 45 new subscribers to my blog
- the fact that the post was tweeted by fashion designer Liz Lange and nationally acclaimed parenting expert Dr. Harvey Rotbart to their followers on Twitter.
All these beautiful reactions to my post and I couldn’t see them.
All I could see was that two people unsubscribed to “Hands Free Mama.”
Wait a minute.
Wait just one pitiful minute.
While my “Hands Free” inner voice is mostly gentle with its powerful reminders, sometimes it becomes necessary to tell me to get a grip. The voice continued …
Aren’t YOU the “Hands Free Mama” who tells other people to “grasp what really matters”?
Ouch.
Now here’s the really sad thing: Being notified when a reader unsubscribes from my blog is NOT automatic. I actually CHOSE that setting in order to gain this information. In other words, I deliberately chose to subject myself unnecessarily to feelings of rejection and failure.
Pretty ridiculous, now that I think about it.
So I finally did what I had thought about doing for months; I put an end to it.
I went straight to my subscription services and triumphantly unchecked the box that read: “Send me an email when people unsubscribe.” Then I turned on my iPod and blasted Gotye, cathartically singing the band’s catchy little tune “Somebody That I Used To Know.”
The fact is, I will never know why someone decides he or she no longer want to receive my posts. It may have something to do with what I wrote, and it may not. But even more importantly, it doesn’t matter. I must continue to write in this space I call “Hands Free Mama” because this is what makes my soul come alive; this is what I am meant to do. And knowing someone does not want to read it (for whatever reason) only causes me to second-guess my abilities and hinders me from living the life I am meant to live.
In order to “see” clearly, I must stop cluttering the promising view of my life, my work, and my purpose, with external forces that bring me down.
Let me put this in more universal terms to which we can all relate:
If looking at pictures of your friends’ lives on Facebook causes you to feel inferior, incomplete, or unattractive, stop looking.
If reading Glamour, People, or Cosmopolitan magazine causes you feel anything less than the beautiful person you are, stop reading.
If being around certain individuals causes you to feel inadequate, unappreciated, or devalued, distance yourself.
If certain objects in your environment remind you of someone you will never be or a time you rather forget, discard them, destroy them, or burn them.
You cannot grasp what matters in this one precious life if your view is cluttered by that which DOESN’T matter one single bit.
The morning after I unclicked the box on my subscription service, my daughter and I were going through the morning lens cleaning ritual. As usual, she was staring at her glasses in eager anticipation of their arrival to her face.
I took a deep breath knowing it was time—the lesson of the little glasses was about to impact me like a double rainbow in the sky after a long, hard rain.
Because now I was ready.
So I asked her, “Why do you smile so big every time you put on your glasses?”
There was no hesitation from my curly-haired, freckle-faced love:
“Because I can see … I can see all the beautiful things.”
Oh dear God.
It is so damn simple.
There are so many beautiful things to see.
But I have spent too much time focusing on the things that are insignificant, meaningless, harmful, and debilitating. It is no wonder I too often experience feelings of failure, disappointment, insecurity, and anxiety. It is no wonder I question my abilities and my purpose.
The lesson of the little glasses is a powerful one, but you must be ready.
You must be ready to surrender the desire to please everyone.
You must be ready to surrender the hope of being liked and accepted by everyone.
You must surrender the fear of making mistakes.
You must surrender the habit of making your life decisions based on what other people think.
I don’t know about you, but I am ready to surrender. I am ready to live my life doing what I know is right for me, doing what makes me happy, fulfilled, and alive. I am ready to make mistakes and get back up. I am ready to be unapologetically me.
And now that I’ve surrendered, something miraculous has happened.
The weight has been lifted.
My shoulders and head are held higher.
My voice embodies a new confidence.
And I’m smiling—smiling like a beautiful 5 year old girl when she puts on her pink spectacles.
Smiling like a sunflower on steroids.
Because when you are looking at the life YOU are meant to live without negative factors obstructing your view, you just can’t help but smile.
Taken at the vision center the moment she put on her beloved glasses
********************************************
As you were reading this post, did any negative factors in your life come to mind?
While some of the negativity in our lives cannot be removed permanently or instantly, we CAN begin to take steps to distance or limit their influence in our lives. Start by identify one damaging factor and take a step toward reducing or eliminating it …
Stop looking at that which brings you down…
Distance yourself from those who bring you down…
Discard, destroy, burn items that bring you down…
You deserve a clear, unfiltered view of the beautiful life you are meant to live.
*This week on “The Hands Free Revolution” I will be sharing specific strategies and inspiration geared toward reducing or eliminating negative factors that hinder a positive view of your life. Simply go to this page and click “like” to receive updates in your news feed. Thank you for supporting this inspiring community!
The A Clear View to a Beautiful Life by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
This post just made me cry. I have been so busy putting together a conference and raising my child and trying to keep moving forward in life that my blog reading doesn’t happen as often as I would like it to. I am so touched by your child’s simple, perfect answer. Of course it’s that. And, until you said it in your post, I wondered why she liked them so much. She must be so thrilled to see life and see her world around her clearly. Instead of “having to wear glasses” it must be a gift she cherishes every day. How beautiful. I am so touched. Thank you for this.
Thank you, Trish! Yes, her response to why she loves her glasses was beautifully profound, and now I am at a place where I can actually appreciate it (and learn from it). Every time she puts them on and smiles, it is a reminder to me to focus on what is beautiful, not what is damaging. I really appreciate that you took the time to leave this comment!
Wonderful. Made me think of a re-occuring conversation I had with a therapist, who had me focus on the statement: “What others think of me is none of my business.” Hard to grasp, but so powerful when you do!
Emily, thank you! I LOVE that mantra. SO powerful and SO true!!! I appreciate you sharing that.
Rachel, I can’t imagine unsubscribing to your beautiful blog, ever. Although I live fairly “hands-free,” I still need to be reminded what to look for when my hands are empty. The other day one of my sons said, as a shower of maple helicopters fell on him: “Oh Daddy it’s so…” he struggled for the word, “…perfect.” Kids always teach me. As always, thank you for your inspiring words.
Oh Bill, speaking of perfect, you always have the perfect words for me. I am a tender-hearted person, so there is part of me that will never change — nor should it, as it also part of my “gift” — but I am slowly learning what things I need to care about and what I don’t. Hearing your positive opinion of my writing means a lot to me.
I adore the story you shared about the maple helicopters. I can envision that beautiful moment, along with your son’s wise insight, and it makes me smile. Thank you for sharing. I would be lost without the lessons of my children!
Thank you for your continued inspiration and encouragement along this “Hands Free” journey!
wow! wonderful post. Don’t worry about the “dings” (heard or unheard!) you’re doing a terrific job
Thank you, Cheryl! You summed it up beautifully: Don’t worry about the “dings”! Love it! And I appreciate the encouraging words!
love.this.post.
truer words have never been spoken.
Thank you, Marcie! I am thankful to know this message resonated with you.
Amazing! That it sometimes takes the words of a child to put life into prospective. What a beautiful message from a beautiful little girl. Adult life would be so much more enjoyable if we could be more like the child.
Thank you, SeAndra! You are so right … adult life would be more pleasant if we thought more freely and in a more accepting way like our children. On this “Hands Free” journey, I have tried to listen to my kids’ words of wisdom more and more. It is truly helping me “grasp what matters” so much better than when I was living distracted.
My boys just recently both got glasses. The oldest is 12 and his best friend has had (and hated) his glasses for almost a year. I was very concerned about the transition for my boys. My own concern for how they may be treated or how they might feel almost made me step in and guide the frame selection process. I was crushed when I first got mine as a kid, I didn’t want them to feel bad in any way.
Somehow, my insecurity lost out and I stepped completely away from them. I allowed the boys to try on as many as they wanted and make their own choices. They are both completely in love with the world that they can actually SEE now.
And no matter what I may have worried about… they have embraced the glasses as though they were always a part of their faces. I’m working hard on this self esteem stuff for myself, I’m really not sure how I’ve helped teach them to be how I wish I was!! But I know I’m on the right track, or they wouldn’t be stronger than me.
Thank you for sharing this moving story, Wendy! I commend you for stepping aside and allowing them to choose their own glasses. Obviously, you made the right choice as they have embraced them! As parents, we so badly want to shield our children from hurt and rejection, but in my own life, I think I project some of my own feelings into their experiences. However, if I just let things “be,” I am usually pleasantly surprised by the outcome. I really appreciate you taking time to share, Wendy.
I’m happy to report that instead of a pep talk, this is a reminder for me now. I’ve taken the steps to clear my life of some of the distracting “clutter” this past week. It feels amazing. I love that little one of yours, she is so special.
Hooray, Sarah! Actually, I thought of you while writing this because I knew the steps you were making to take ownership of your life and assume a new direction of your life. I am so proud of you for doing what is right for YOU and not letting anyone else bring you down. You know I am cheering for you all the way.
Once again, this is just what I needed to hear right when I needed to hear it.
I have recently started following your approach and spending more time undistracted with my 2 year-old daughter. I cannot even begin to tell you what a difference it has made. We are both so much happier and all the small things matter so much less. You have changed my life. Truly. Thank you!
Shelley, when I read the words “spending more time with my child” on my blog, I celebrate. There are no greater words in my mind than to know that something I wrote caused someone to spend more time (undistracted) with their child. Your beautiful comment IS the reason why I share my not-so-pretty stories. We are all in this together trying to grasp more precious moments with the people we love. THANK YOU for letting me know how my blog has impacted your life!!!! It means everything.
Rachel,
Once again you have nailed it! Life is beautiful, things around us are beautiful and it takes clear vision to see it. Whether that clear vision comes from new glasses or from “letting go” of the things that blur our lives. I especially related to the part where you mention the magazines and comparing our life to others. I think I’ve told you this before but I had to one day just stop buying those magazines and stop comparing my life. It helped. I had to learn to accept myself and who I am.
Lately I’ve had some set backs and some struggles with “who am I”, “why me”? Situations. Why me at work, whats going to happen to me? Where am I meant to be? What should I do now? But then I hear a small quiet voice say “Ginger, it will all be fine. There is a plan and it takes time. Just be patient”. We live in a world of sudden responses. We want to the self gratification right now, we want the assurance right now, but what we don’t see is that there is a lesson in the waiting. There is a lesson in the blurryness. Once we have received and accepted the lesson, we are much more appreciative of how clear it is because we had to experience the blur for so long.
Thank you for continuing to write. I read your posts as often as possible and more times than not, they relate to my life in some form or fashion.
Sincerely,
Ginger (tell my sweet girls hello for me, I miss you all.)
Thank you so much, Ginger. I appreciate you taking time to share the insight you have discovered as you navigate through life. What you said about learning to wait and be patient is powerful. We can’t always “see” the future and for most of us, that is difficult. And sometimes the plan for our life takes time to evolve. As I have slowly scaled back the negative factors in my life, my purpose has become more clear. However, I am in a “wait” situation right now myself. And at times I get impatient. Your words resonate with me tonight. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing and for just being real.
*We miss seeing you, too, Ginger. I will tell the girls you said hello. They love you so much.
Thank you…I let myself get brought down by how I’m not perfect, how I’m not a size 2 or the most graceful creature…yet I have a big heart, I serve, I love, I give. And even knowing all that, I allow myself to feel badly over what I’m NOT. I needed this reminder today that just because I’m not the perfect size doesn’t mean I don’t have value & worth.
Between this & the Ashley Judd article I have been reminded that beauty & goodness does not always come in the package you expect.
Keep up your awesome work…it MATTERS!
Jana
Thank you for your honesty, Jana. It is scary to step into “the light of realness” but when someone meets me there, I am so glad I did. Thank you for that. I can relate all too well to the feelings you describe. I am tired of seeing all the things I’m NOT, rather than all the beautiful things I am. I, too, loved the Ashley Judd article. I found it so empowering. I also appreciate your encouraging words about my writing. I am grateful to have you along on this journey to grasp what matters, Jana!
I am working hard at distancing myself from people who not only bring me down, but fail to help me rise up. Does that make sense? I want to be around people who inspire me and support me to be a better person. I am currently backpeddling on a friendship with someone who may not *exactly* bring me down, but certainly doesn’t make me want to be better, stronger, happier and, just better.
Hi Lisa, I appreciate that distinction you made between those who bring us down and those who neglect to lift and encourage, as true friends with our best interests at heart do. I commend you for realizing that your friend is hindering that promising view of you life and you need to break away from that. I wish you much luck. You are certainly on your way to grasping what really matters.
Beautiful, inspiring, encouraging words. Thank you for this truth that I have (sadly) needed to be reminded of so often. But it’s ova, sista! I’m done
Removing, distancing, destroying, and surrendering!
I love it, Shelly! “Removing, distancing, destroying, and surrendering”! You summed it up beautifully and I am RIGHT THERE with you, friend.
Children are visionaries in the spiritual sense and I believe that sometimes God speaks to us through them. When we pay attention, like you did, we usually get the message. You are a gift to motherhood.
Thank you for the profound and deeply touching insight, Muriel. I could not agree more.
I am grateful you see my messages as a gift to motherhood. WOW. I am so touched. I see this community of like-minded people as a gift in my life, as well. Thank you for being here.
Your post made me cry. As a matter of fact, all of the ones I’ve read made me cry and helped me to be a better mom. Thank you for sharing all your beautiful insights with the world.
Your daughter’s beautiful vision of the world is no accident. You gave that to her because you see beauty in the world.
I’d love to get your opinion on my blog. I respect what you are doing and hope to accomplish as much with my own writing. You inspire me! URL is 32in32.com
I also follow you on Facebook and Twitter. Look for me:)
Thank you for the lovely compliments, Pauline. That means so much to me to think my daughter’s view of the world is in part a gift from me.
I am honored that you would like me to look at your blog. I will definitely check it out, as well as find you on FB and Twitter. It is a joy to connect with other writers trying to make a difference in the world. Thank you!
Rachel, I loved this post! I could totally relate, and thank you for the powerful reminder of letting go of negative distractions. As an “approval addict” myself, this provided me so much peace and strength. We must continue to surround ourselves with people and things that make us feel good about ourselves! You hit the nail on the head. Love you…you are a blessing! GLAD YOU DELETED THE DING! God always restores twenty-fold or more what was taken away from us….keep on writing chick! HUGS
Thank you, Susie! I love your term “approval addict”! I am comforted in knowing I am not alone. You are always so encouraging, Susie. You are truly a “lifter” in my life, and I am grateful for your wisdom and support on this journey, my dear friend. Love you!
Thanks for sharing Rachel. Children’s innocence always teaches us about simplicity, beauty and clarity that is divine. Sometimes we look too hard and far for answers. The important things are usually near and dear to us. Thanks for bringing and reminding us of many of life’s important lessons.
What a great point, Muriel. The important things in life are near; they are simple; they are so attainable … we simply have to slow down and open our eyes. I love your insight. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I just want to say ‘Thank You’ for this post. I found your blog via Pinterest for the Six Words You Should Say Today post, which I read and then pinned it as well.
I was so drawn to that post that I found myself wanting to read more and more of what you were saying.
When you mentioned this post, in the Six Words post, I finished reading and then went back and clicked the link.
My 3 year old daughter was seen by our family optometrist last week and when we found out she would need to wear glasses I immediately felt my heart breaking. I still scold myself for feeling that way…that she would forever have to “deal with” glasses and contacts as she grows, and worried about what other kids will say or how she will be treated. I never thought in a million years that my little girl would need them.
So, yes, it was hard for me to come to terms with all of this. During this past week I have gone from completely broken hearted, to angry that it is even something she has to face – and as a 3 year old at that!
But I put on my strong Mommy face and made sure she knew how beautiful she is and how wearing these glasses will help her to see better. She knows that I wear glasses or contacts….and I don’t know if that even had an impact on her or not. But we have continue to be positive about it and upbeat and always a smile for her. She seems excited, yet I am not even sure if she is fully aware of what is going on or if she realizes that she will have to wear them every day. I suppose we will see….
Today is the day her glasses are ready and we are going to go pick them up and make sure they fit etc. This morning, rather than putting in my contacts before we left the house I decided to wear my glasses instead. She looked up at me and said “Oh Mommy, your glasses are so beautiful just like mine are!”
I know that is my honest little girl and hearing her say that made me SURE that she will do wonderful with her glasses because she will have A Clear View to a Beautiful Life.
So Thank You again for this post. It really hit home with me and was just what I needed, I just didn’t know it until I read it.
Thank you again for your wonderful post. I look forward to reading all of your posts. I find you to be a true inspiration
Hi Natalie, thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your story. I am truly grateful you went back and clicked on that link to the glasses. At the time I linked it, I wondered why I was doing it. Now I know; it was for you.
When I got to the part about you putting on your glasses this morning, I teared up. You are a wonderful mom. What a beautiful gesture you made for your child to make her feel more comfortable with her own new glasses. My daughter’s teacher did the same thing when my child got her glasses. I cried like a baby to know her teacher loved her THAT much. And just that simple act alone meant more to my daughter than anything I could ever describe. I am sure your daughter will always remember you doing that.
I really hope and pray that she loves her new glasses today. The world will look brand new through those lenses. Please keep me posted. I would love to hear how things go. Thank you so much for taking time to let me know you are here.
gasp!!! A light bulb in my head just went on. I had no idea my perfectionism was so closely tied to my need to please others/gain their approval! I guess I assumed it was merely some compulsion that existed in me. How did I miss this??? Identifying the problem is a good step in the right direction! I need to turn off the “dings” too in my life. Thanks for this beautiful post and thank you for raising such a beautiful, inspiring daughter.
Thank you for sharing your “ah ha” moment, Jamie! I am so happy this post could provide you with an awareness that you did not already have, and that it is inspiring you to take action! Please keep me posted! Thanks for taking time to share.
I just started reading ‘Hands Free Mama’ today and I am hooked!
My 10- year old is not bothered when people say she’s better looking without her glasses. Her response? “But then I can’t see without them!” So, when we try to do something, honestly ask ourselves: is it worth it? I am wearing a pair of glasses myself and it is so worth it!
Also, I shared my own note on fb today. I always worry how others may perceive my writings. You know I am not a native speaker of English and I have some grammar issues to work on. Well, I finally posted it. Many liked it! But then that is just a bonus. What I am happy about is i was able to find the courage to do what I want (or wanted)? whatever..
I feel blessed today and one of the reasons is I have found you.
Thank you for taking time to share, Arlene! I love your daughter’s confidence and wisdom! Who would tell a child she looks better without her glasses? That is appauling to me! I am thankful your daughter has enough sense and self-assurance to keep wearing them! I also commend you for sharing your own writings on Facebook. I know from experience, it is not easy to do. I am glad you found the courage–and that you did it for YOU and not to gain the approval of others. Thank you for your kind words about finding my blog. You have blessed me, as well.
A friend shared your post on how to miss childhood and it intrigued me, so I kept reading. I have to say that this post made me smile from ear to ear. My 4 year old has been wearing glasses for a year. She too thinks they are the greatest and she also told us it is because she can see. I love your perspective on it. I’ll keep following.
I found your blog last night and couldn’t stop reading it. I particularly loved this post and “Saturday #286″, and also cried like a baby when I realized that the Saturdays I have with my babies are numbered. I shared with my husband who said he now knows we’ve already lost 129 Saturdays with our oldest. He wonders why I had to share – cuz if I had to cry like a baby, he needed to understand why!
I will definitely continue to follow your blog. And you inspired me today – normally I will put a cartoon on for my kids sometimes (okay, more times than I care to admit) if I need to get something done. Our television was not turned on once today!
I am so thankful you found me, Andrea! How kind of you to let me know you are here and which posts you enjoyed. You picked my top favorites! How lovely of you to share the #286 with your husband! I have lots of wonderful dads who read my blog. And to know that my message inspired you to go Hands Free makes my day!!! Thank you for taking time to write!!! xo
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U R Truly amazing!! truly! thank you for sharing!!
thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!
I love this – not just for what you are saying, which is great, but also for the journey down memory lane. I’m 61 and you took me back to a day when I was 11. As we were driving the 1 hour journey home from collecting my first glasses, I joyfully discovered that there were trees on the range of hills on the left. Well, I sort of knew already, from the colour, but now I could see the outline of the trees on top. When I exclaimed, “Oh, look at the trees on the hill!” my mother was confused at first. I’d like to think she was as happy as you to discover what I meant, but I fear she just felt bad, because it had taken over a year for me to persuade her that I needed glasses because I couldn’t see – she thought it was because my sister had got glasses, and I always wanted whatever she got.
Thanks so much for this post. I enjoyed reading it, especially after having a REALLY tough day that included mindblowing negativity from a good friend of mine. I suppose right now I would be looking at ANYTHING for some little insight on how to handle this. Your comments were encouraging. Thanks.
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