“Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.” ~Mumford and Sons
Understandably, many people want to talk to me about distraction. More specifically, they want to tell me about the distraction incidents they witness in their neighborhoods, at restaurants, parks, and pools. They want to tell me about the texting drivers sitting next to them at stoplights. Many well-intentioned people want to tell me how sad it makes them feel to see distracted parents ignoring the pleas of their children.
I must admit, these comments make me uncomfortable.
My mission for sharing my “Hands Free” journey is not to bash the distracted people of the world. My mission for sharing this journey is to bring awareness … namely, self-awareness … the kind of self-awareness I was lacking a few years ago.
Because you see, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about where I came from.
I was that distracted person ignoring her children.
I was that distracted person texting at stoplights.
I was that distracted person who made excuses as to why I was too busy to spend quality time with my family.
I was that distracted person who couldn’t see my beautiful life slipping right through my fingers.
But I can assure you the judgment was harsh. The judgment was cruel. It was downright unbearable at times. But this condemnation didn’t come from an outside observer, well-meaning friend, or loving companion. Oh no, this ridicule came directly from me.
If you have read my “About Hands Free” page then you know that taking an honest look at the way I was living (or more accurately, not living) was a necessary step in my “Hands Free” life transformation. In fact, meaningful efforts to let go of distraction would have never happened (or lasted) without honestly evaluating the cost of my distraction.
But despite the fact that assessing my behavior was a vital step in changing my distracted ways, living in regret was not. I’ve come to realize that continually berating myself over what I missed is a waste of time. Self-forgiveness and healing have been just as much a part of this journey as have my difficult truths.
But every now and then, I get waves of remembrance … a taste of “life overwhelmed” … just enough to sting me … just enough to bring tears to my eyes.
It happened the other day. I had stayed up too late writing the night before. I had several article submission deadlines to meet, and I was not as close as I hoped on any of them. I had committed to volunteering every day at Vacation Bible School. I needed to get the kids to a swim meet. We were late. My website was having issues. I was tired. The word “Mama” began every single sentence that came from my children’s lips whether I was actually needed or not.
And there I stood in front of the pantry, unable to remember what I came there to get. Part of me wanted to shut the door to that little space, huddle under the boxes of Fiber One cereal and cry.
That’s when I heard it.
That voice.
It didn’t use the exact phrase that originated in the years of my highly distracted life, but it came painfully close.
“You are a bad mom” was the token phrase my cruel inner critic liked to whisper during my highly distracted, over stressed years—in those times when felt like I was falling short in the parenting department. I had almost forgotten I used to say such awful things to myself.
But then again, I don’t think I will ever completely forget.
I gave up on whatever it was that I intended to get from the pantry and told my children I needed a moment. I went to my bedroom and turned on my fan for soothing white noise and began reminding myself.
I reminded myself that The One who loves me, The One who took my hand and started me on this journey, still loves me even when I fail miserably.
I reminded myself that I am not perfect and that even the “best” parents have their moments of self-doubt and frustration.
And then I reminded myself of the lesson of the tornado. For that was as close as I have come to knowing the kind of parent I am. It was the day I knew that despite my shortcomings, failures, and imperfections, I would sacrifice my body to protect them.
I would run through fire to spare them.
I would beg kidnappers to take me in order to free them.
I would offer my plasma, my organs, and every single one of my limbs to save them.
I would sacrifice my life without hesitation, without question, if it meant allowing my children to live.
Even in my most distracted, overtired, stressed-out, neurotic state, I still love them more than my own life.
Once I was finished with the reminders, I turned off my fan and expelled a heavy sigh. I centered my disheveled, puffy-eyed self directly in front of the bathroom mirror and said one word.
“Grace.”
As in: Give yourself some, Rachel.
A few minutes later, my children and I were on our way to the swim meet. I turned on one of our favorite songs, which happens to beautifully articulate the value of human scars and imperfections. I suddenly detected the slightest smile upon my lips as I listened to my daughters belt out the chorus from the backseat:
“These bruises,
Makes for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It’s good to let you in again
You’re not alone in how you’ve been
Everybody loses—we all got bruises.”
~Train
I felt better.
I just needed a moment.
Don’t we all?
I think we all do at some point in our day … our week … our life …
Need a moment.
And so when I hear someone describing the behavior of a distracted person, I can’t join in the condemnation. I once was that person and occasionally still am.
My intention for sharing my “Hands Free” journey is to spare someone from the same mistakes I made. You see, when I was living distracted, I missed a lot. Two years of precious “Sunset Moments,” in fact. And I began sharing my journey as a means of continually looking inward—and that by doing so, I might help another person to look inward, too.
I envision someone reading my blog and saying, “Oh wow. That’s me. I am missing something I can never get back.” And after the tears, I envision that person then saying, “But if there is hope for her, there is hope for me; I am starting my ‘Hands Free’ journey today.”
Someone who I love and respect as a parent and human being said something to me the other day, and I know this was also meant for you, my companions on this life-changing journey.
My mother said, “Rachel, even at your most distracted, you were always a good parent.”
With those words, my inner light of self-forgiveness shined like a beacon for my misdirected soul.
Even on days when I can’t tear myself away from my distractions …
Even on days when I raise my voice and lose control …
Even on days that I obsess over bulges and wrinkles and things that don’t matter one damn bit in the end …
Even on days when I want to lock myself in the pantry and weep …
Even on days when I am at my worst, I remain that parent who would sacrifice her life to spare her children from pain and tragedy.
Even at my most distracted, I would.
So when you see that less-than-perfect woman or man staring back at you in the mirror … or the one at the restaurant who can’t quite seem to put down the phone and see the gifts in front of him or her … I ask that you extend grace rather than judgment.
We are not the sum of our distractions.
Sometimes we just need a moment.
And every moment is a chance to start anew.
****************************************************************
I would like to conclude this post with a word of gratitude:
I am grateful for every personal story of distraction struggle or triumph that has ever been shared with me. Thank you for taking an honest look inward and admitting your own difficult truths. With each personal testimony shared in the comment section, on “The Hands Free Revolution” page, or through personal email messages, I am fueled to continue sharing mine.
Thank you for extending grace to yourself and others.
And thank you for allowing me to keep things real.
"I will be brave with my story so others can be brave with theirs." ~ People of the Second Chance
The The Distracted Person I Was and Still Am by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Once again, such a beautiful post! Your words speak directly into my heart, thank you for your honest sharing.
This post hit home very hard. I feel as though I’ve been distracted for a good part of my own life, and now as a parent I don’t want to have this distracted life anymore. Living with so much distraction and trying to be perfect was a contributing factor in my marriage falling apart (not the only thing, trust me) and the constant berating of myself to be better and when I’m not living up to these wild and unrealistic expectation that I imposed on myself. It’s an everyday struggle to just let go of the things that I simply can’t control and just focus on the life that is unfolding in front of me. Having to understand that I can’t control everything. Your posts give me a daily reminder to move on, head up, focus on my self and my child and live a better quality of life, one where the distractions are not taking control.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your open, realistic, and inspiring story, Melanie. I find it inspiring because of your honesty. Sometimes just knowing our weaknesses or what we need to “let go” of is the hardest part of the journey. I am grateful to know that something I wrote has given you focus and hope. I wish you continued progress in your journey. Thank you for being here.
THANK you.
I think that this is such a good point. I think for a lot of people it’s easier to look at what other people are doing wrong than to admit we’re doing something wrong too.
Hey GRACE could stand for
Gentleness
Respect or Room
Appreciation
Compassion
Empathy
for ourselves
I know this post was mostly about being gentle with yourself, but I appreciate the reminder to not judge others as well. We have no idea why someone is on the phone that minute or why they are ignoring their child. We are seeing a split second into a lifetime. Like you mentioned, this is about self awareness and improving our parenting, not judging others.
That is lovely, Tiffany. You have written some of those most beautiful words in the English language:
Gentleness
Respect or Room
Appreciation
Compassion
Empathy
And I really like your point: “We are seeing a split second into a lifetime.” I will remember that. Thank you.
“Rachel, even at your most distracted, you were always a good parent.” Thank God for moms! Love it. Thanks again, Rachel.
Yes, in deed, Noreen! Thank you for reading and being such a vital part of “The Hands Free Revolution”!
Grace. For being tired and cranky after trying to spend yesterday saying ‘yes.’ For being just as human and in need of a moment of cuddles as my children. For the notion that showing that even mommmas need a moment may teach them something I am just learning.
Simply beautiful. Thank you for your wisdom and eloquent words today, Jane. xo
Sometimes I can’t get a damned thing done because of this accursed Hands-Free Journey you sent me on… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. As always, a perfect post.
HA! Oh yes, Bill. I can relate. I was SO much more productive when I was living my highly distracted life! But we know where that got me!
I cannot imagine this journey without you! THANK YOU!
Wow, it’s like you read my mind today. I went to the mall, and was in the play area chastising all the OTHER parents whose heads were immersed in their iphones while their beautiful children shouted “LOOK AT ME!” (some, literally!). Need to stop judging and take a closer look at myself. Thank you for the reminder. I took my son to the lake last week. Just the two of us. I didn’t even take my phone, much to my husband’s dismay. (What if I needed to reach you?!) It was truly one of the best days of the summer, so again, thank you.
Thank you, once again, for inspiring me. For helping me realize that I need to be patient with myself. You see, years ago, I was a “perfect” mom. I loved spending every.single.waking moment with my children. I loved crafting and baking and reading and just “being.” Then, a year and 1/2 ago, I got very sick; chronically ill and have been since. I can’t be the mom I used to be. And it KILLS me! I compare myself now to myself then, and I constantly berate myself for not being who I was. I read other people’s blogs or talk with friends who are so involved in their children’s lives, and it literally eats me alive because I CAN’T do it! So, thank you. Thank you for the reminder that at this very moment in time, I am doing my best. Maybe I’ll never be the mom and wife I used to be, but I can still enjoy the moments I do have. I can be patient with myself and praise myself for the time I am able to do spend quality time with my kids, even if it’s different. I needed this reminder today!
And I needed your story today. Thank you, beautiful, courageous, remarkable Angee. Your story is a gift.
May you offer a little more patience, a little more acceptance, and a little more love to yourself today than you did yesterday. xo
Thank you!
Thank you. I am that distracted mother. Your journey has been a beacon of light for me. I desperately needed something to grasp on to and had already been doing soul searching about finding ways to be more present for my children when someone referenced one of your posts. Your blog has continuously helped bring me back to that desire in the midst of all of my life’s distractions. Thank you.
Thank you for being so transparent. Your articles speak directly to me. Truely inspiring!!!
Self forgiveness, Grace – things I’ve been thinking about working on (actually working on them is the next step); your post speaks to me today. So I will simply say a heartfelt THANK YOU!
Thank you for being so transparent. I live a distracted life most of the time. Your articles challenge me to slow down and put my phone down!! Truely inspiring!!! Today’s reminder of Grace, needed that!!!
Thank you for your wise and wonderful words! Just what I needed today:) I took a car load of teenage girls home from their class, and my daughter and I sat in front chatting while the rest of the girls in back had their heads down on their phones. I feel good when I can remind them to visit with each other, and your site has taught me that. Even if I get looks, I know my reminders are making a difference. Also the importance of Grace, and our mothers (or those who make us feel special) Adore all that you give us! Blessings to you all us Moms out there!:)
Thank you for sharing you experience, Kim. I love hearing from parents in all stages of life. Your daughter and her friends are very blessed to have such a positive role model for living a present life. Thank you for being a part of this journey.
Nice posting! This one in particular really struck me; I recently put myself in a ‘time-out’ to collect my thoughts and not snap at my toddler for the wrong reason. Sometimes, we just need a solo mommy moment to catch our breath.
Thank you, thank you……
As always, your posts are beautifully written and so inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences and show others the beauty of being a hands free mama.
Beautifully written and completely inspiring. I’ve recently jumped aboard this journey with you in hopes of becoming less distracted. It’s amazing the moments missed because of the continual stream of distractions. We are called to so much more in this life. Your courage and honesty are refreshing and encouraging to me. Thank you.
Beautiful. Thank you for your reminders to live in the moment and also to choose grace. Do you have any “rules” you impose on yourself to keep the distractions at bay? Or specific tips?
Hi Hollie,
Thank you for being a part of this community. I appreciate your great question.
I started by creating designated time periods when I was completely unplugged and connected to my family.I started with 10 minutes, believe it or not … but even that 10 minutes of meaningful connection made an impact on me and my child. My time periods of being completely undistracted and focused on what mattered grew a little each day. I started taking entire weekend days unplugged. Those really helped me move forward on my journey to live less distracted.
It helps me tremendously to shut down the computer totally and turn off all notifications on my phone so there is no temptation to “check” during those designated periods of time that I am striving to be “Hands Free” my children or my spouse. I hesitate to give a set number of hours or minutes because I do not think there is a right or wrong way to go “Hands Free.” We all have different circumstances, schedules, and responsibilities. Having that uninterrupted “Hands Free” time with your children or spouse, whether it is 20 minutes or two hours, will make a tremendous impact on them and also on you.
Also, I keep a notebook handy. If I have something I want to research for my writing projects that I need to find/do on the Internet, I write it down rather than always going to my computer. Once my designated “Hands Free” time concludes, I knock out the things on the list. In addition, I try to discipline myself to do ONLY the things on that list. It is easy to get lost for hours on the Internet. Log on and do the things you need to do, then get off.
Here are a few other ideas that might help reduce ties to distraction and create more meaningful connection:
-During the work week, just get outside. There is just something about being outside that causes me to abandon my technology and just enjoy nature. Even if it is only for 15 minutes, go outside and watch your children investigate their surroundings. My children are the best “Hands Free” role models I know. Being outside creates mindfulness that we are part of something much larger than ourselves and our day-to-day problems. Being outside is like a slap in the face to cherish the moments that matter.
-Refrain from using your phone when driving your children. Use this time to talk to them or put in their favorite CD and sing together. I would pay any amount of money if I could hear my daughter’s little toddler voice sing from the back of the car again. Her voice is still beautiful now, but there is just something about that baby voice. Listen as you drive and soak it up. In doing so, you will be reminded that time is precious.
-When you are with your children/family in “waiting” situations like the doctor’s office, restaurants, events or activities, resist the urge to look at your phone. This wait time is ideal “connection” time. If necessary, bring paper, crayons, books, or anything they might enjoy doing with you while you wait. You might be the only person in the waiting room not looking at your phone and your children will love you for it.
-Create at least ONE daily ritual where time with your loved one is sacred, meaning void of distraction. Whether that be tucking them in at night, having dinner together, enjoying morning snuggles, walking the dog, do it every day so that no matter how the rest of the day goes, your child (or significant other) can always count on that one period of connection. Even the smallest moments of connection will someday make up their most treasured childhood memories. That 10 minutes you spend talking together at night will add up. That 15 minute drive you take everyday singing together will add up. Keep in mind, all those ordinary, mundane daily activities can either add up to nothing (distraction) or they can add up to something meaningful and lasting (connection).
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. Keep me posted!
Thank you!
I have just read this post just 5 minutes after concluding an NVC Empathy buddy session on the same topic. Who says the Universe does not provide?!
I am a parent who still stumbles into those moments of reactivity with the resultant damage to all concerned.
We are only human and letting go of our inner critic through grace and compassion frees us to be more connected and empathetic next time around.
“All the world needs now…is love, sweet love”
Hi Trevor. Thank you for the lovely message! I was not familiar with the term “NVC Empathy Buddy” so I read a bit about it online. What a beautiful concept! And what a gift you are offering to another human being.
I really appreciate you sharing your insight. This thought was especially powerful to me: “Letting go of our inner critic through grace and compassion frees us to be more connected and empathetic next time around.” I couldn’t agree more.
Thank you for being a part of this community and sharing your story.
What I have discovered about myself is that I am a chronic multi-tasker. When I’m on the phone, I’m on the internet. When I’m talking to my husband, I’m listening to my son. When I’m reading a book to my son, I’m thinking about work. It is so hard to FOCUS and that is what you inspire me to do. I KNOW you’re a wonderful mom and I know I’m a great mom too. I have room for improvement, though. Because all that matters in this life is how we spend our time.
So happy I found you. I too have been burdened with how I get so easily distracted with the computer, internet, iphone, etc. I have tried and failed so many times to stay offline, etc. Where would you suggest I start to get on track?!
Hi Jessica. Thank you for your interest and hopes for more connection with the people you love! I started by creating designated time periods when I was completely unplugged and connected to my family.I started with 10 minutes, believe it or not … but even that 5 minutes of meaningful connection made an impact on me and my child. My time periods of being completely undistracted and focused on what mattered grew a little each day. I started taking entire weekend days unplugged. Those were life changing for me.
It helps tremendously to shut down the computer totally and turn off all notifications on my phone so there is no temptation to “check.” Even if you have a demanding job, it is important to build boundaries into your home life. You can always call clients back once that designated time period with your family has ended. But having that uninterrupted “Hands Free” time with your kids will make a tremendous impact on them and also on you. As a recovering “workaholic” and someone tied to her distraction, I know these boundaries might seem impossible, but if you begin taking little steps to let go of distraction and connect to your family, you will feel a difference immediately. You will feel more at peace and more connected to the important parts of life. And what you thought was “so important” 5 minutes ago will be put into perspective once you have spent time bonding with your children. I hope this gives you a starting point.
Here is a post I wrote that you might find helpful. It is an easy list of ways to go “Hands Free.” Start with one step today. http://www.handsfreemama.com/?p=1102
Please keep me posted on your progress. I am so glad you are on this journey to grasp what matters with me!
Pingback: Hands FREE with and Open Heart