“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” -Richard Bach
*all names have been changed
My six-year-old daughter handed me her fall progress report. It displayed a steady stream of happy check marks in all the positive boxes.
There was just one check mark standing dejectedly alone from all the others.
“How am I doing, Mom?” my child asked with a level of maturity that did not match the small disheveled person gazing up at me with pink spectacles that teetered on the end of her nose.
I looked at her. Her fly-away hair and dirty knees indicated it had been a good day in kindergarten. I looked back at the progress report, then back to her again. Her face, lovely and round, still held traces of baby—unlike her older sister’s face that had elongated into an adult-like oval without so much as a warning.
Finally, once more, I glanced back to the progress report … and the one lonely check mark.
Before I consciously realized I had made a decision, my face broke into an encouraging smile. I gathered my child into my arms and pressed my lips against her silky, smooth cheek. Before I spoke, I briefly closed my eyes and offered up a silent prayer of gratitude; this child had come so far since this time one year ago.
“You’re doing great. You’re doing just fine.” I whispered into her ear, my voice containing a mixture of emotion and happiness.
I decided I would not say anything about the low check mark or the words written beside it. This was just something that didn’t need to be said right now … or perhaps ever.
But this child, with her bright blue eyes and sassy rose-rimmed glasses, misses nothing.
“What does that say?” With her small pointer-finger, she tapped the neatly-printed words that flowed out from the check mark that sat apart from the others.
Inside my head, I read the words: Distracted in large groups. But I already knew this. I knew this before it was written on an official report card. This news was no surprise to me. You see, each day this child comes home with an astute observation:
“Max has a group of warts on his right knee. There are exactly nineteen. I counted them.”
“Miss Stevens got a new hair cut. She got layers put in. It looks really pretty.”
“Miss Evans eats Greek yogurt every single day. I think her favorite flavor is peach because she brings that one a lot!”
“Sarah is a wonderful artist. She can draw butterflies that look like they could fly off the page!”
And outside the school walls, it’s no different.
“That waitress sure is working hard. We should leave a little extra money on the table.”
“That man is texting and driving.”
“Grandpa is slower than the rest of us. We should wait.”
“Hurry! Look out the window. Look at the gorgeous view!”
Distracted or observant?
Distracted or perceptive?
Distracted or empathetic?
I choose observant … perceptive … empathetic.
“What does it say, Mama?” My child was growing impatient to learn the meaning of those words she could not yet read herself.
Both my children know I will always give them truth, even when the truth can be difficult or uncomfortable to say or hear. So I read her teacher’s comment aloud word for word: “Distracted in large groups.”
My daughter gave a tiny, uncertain smile and shyly put her hand to her mouth. “Oh yeah. I do look around a lot.”
Before my child could feel one ounce of shame, one iota of failure, I came down on bended knee and looked her straight in the eye. And then I spoke the following words with every ounce of conviction I could muster; I didn’t want her to just hear these words, I wanted her to feel them.
“Yes. You do look around a lot.
You noticed Carter sitting off by himself with a skinned knee on the field trip, and you comforted him.
You noticed the little girl who couldn’t quite get up on the haystack at the pumpkin patch so you boosted her up.
You noticed Banjo had a running nose, and the vet said it was a good thing we brought him in when we did.
You notice the beautiful, breath-taking view every time we cross the bridge.
And you know what? You’ve taught me to notice.
And I don’t ever want you to stop noticing. That is your gift. It is your gift that you give to the world.”
By the look of blissful satisfaction on her face, you might of thought she just took a bite of a caramel sundae covered in gummy bears and brownie bites. She was literally glowing. Glowing. And even when she tried to suppress her smile and look serious, she couldn’t.
“Okay, Mama. I won’t stop noticing,” she vowed solemnly with her precious toothless smile. And because her teacher is one of the most extraordinary, loving educators I have been blessed to know, I knew she would also want this child to keep noticing, too.
Along this “Hands Free” journey we are required to make choices in order to grasp what really matters. These choices are not always the popular choice; they are not always status quo. These choices may be looked down upon by outsiders and rejected by the “experts.” But after you make these choices—these choices that feel right in your gut—there is always validation. Sometimes this validation takes days, weeks, even years, but it comes. And when it does, you know you made the right choice for your child, for your family, for yourself. Thankfully, validation for the choice I made about the progress report came within days.
I had just gotten my hair cut. It was shorter than usual. I was feeling a little insecure about it. I straightened it in such a way that was different from my usual style. I walked out into the living room, still in my pajamas, with this new hairstyle that I was not so sure about.
“Wow, Mama. You look so pretty! I love your hair.”
It was the voice of my observant child. My face relaxed into a smile, and I immediately felt better about my hair. Apparently my child could sense her words comforted me. What she said next stopped me in my tracks.
“You were just waiting for someone to notice, weren’t you?”
My hand covered my mouth to suppress my awe, my joy, and my tears.
Oh dear God. Yes. Yes. We are all just waiting for someone to notice—notice our pain, notice our scars, notice our fear, notice our joy, notice our triumphs, notice our courage.
And the one who notices is a rare and beautiful gift.
Thank you, my sweet child. You are only six-years-old, but you are so wise. And through you, I have received my affirmation to see the good before I see anything else:
To see the high check marks before I see the low ones …
To see her beautiful stroke formation before I notice what place she comes in …
To see she’s dressed herself before I notice the winter boots and tank top combination …
To see she’s made her own breakfast before I notice the cereal scattered across the counter …
To see the beautiful artwork she’s created before I notice the floor covered in a mess …
To see the beauty and goodness in all those who cross my path before I see the faults and imperfections.
This is how I want to live.
To notice the good—always the good—before anything else … and above all else.
****************************************
Being able to look at a report card and see the positives before the negatives didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it took a year of “letting go” to get to the point where things didn’t have to be perfect or appear perfect. It took practice to allow life situations to naturally evolve, instead of trying to control the outcome. It took deep introspection to let go of societal standards and create my own principles for living. I share more about this letting go transformation in a guest post this week entitled, “Growing Together: Growth from the Hands Free Mama.” I was honored to help out the talented author (and friend) of the inspiring “Raising Humans” blog who is expecting her precious baby to arrive any day now.
What are your thoughts? Do the people in your life have traits that are perceived as negative or troublesome by outside sources … or even by you? If so, I challenge you to see a positive side to this so-called “weakness.” Perhaps this negative attribute could evolve into a gift if someone recognizes it as so. And perhaps some of you already have. I love to hear your stories, comments, and words of wisdom. They fuel my writing and touch my heart. Thank you for being a part of The Hands Free Revolution.
The Notice The Good by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
What a treasure you have in your observant and open-hearted daughter!
My second son is like your daughter and each day I have to remind myself to learn to observe him to know what’s going on in his mind. He’s teaching his siblings to be this way and it warms my heart.
Isn’t it wonderful what our children teach us? How lovely that your other children are gaining valuable benefits from your observant son!
Beautiful!!!!! This is the essence by which we illuminate the world…from the inside out…bringing expansive high-consciousness and unconditional love to the field!!! I invite you to the free telesummit I’m currently hosting, link on my website
Infinite Love and Possibility!
Thank you, Kimberly!
Oh my. You have an amazing daughter and you are an incredible story teller. I am still wiping the joyful tears from my eyes. I can not tell you how very important I think this message is!
Although I do not yet have children of my own, I work with children. Often children who struggle to walk, or talk. Children who have ‘problems’ with attention or learning. The two most powerful things I have discovered along the way are: First, that the child must experience and know that she has done ‘it’ for herself. Second, that the people in her life can come to appreciate the unique talents, skills, and interests that she has.
Your story, your daughter’s story, is such a beautiful, shining example of just how powerful the art of observing truly is.
Thank you for your valuable insight, Buffy. I can tell the children you work with have a wonderful teacher to guide them and nurture them. I appreciate your lovely comment and words of wisdom!
God this is so beautiful it brought me to tears. Once, I was looking through a box of old report cards- mine was all in red pen- from all different teachers – similar “Monica is distracted, does not apply herself…” etc… then the one in black from Miss Krista,
“Monica is a rare treasure… who has so much love to offer everyone she meets…..I so enjoy her.” stood out and is what made all the difference in my life. One person who experienced me not as a grade and not for what I lacked but for the value of my essence- myself.
Oh this is so touching and powerful, Monica. I am so thankful you had a “Miss Krista” to hone in on your gifts so that you feel empowered! All children need someone to look at them and see their precious gifts!
This is great. My son, who has ADHD, came home with a less-than-perfect 4th grade progress report a couple of weeks ago. He was really upset when he gave it to me, b/c he CAN read the whole thing himself. I, too, had to make some decisions on how to address it. He worries a lot and will punish himself more than enough for everyone, so I tried to stress that the marks on the report were tools to help him see what how we can come up with a plan for the rest of his year. He said a friend of his was grounded for similar grades, and I told him that there was no reason to punish him – We only ask that he tries his best. No one can ask him to do any more than his best, and so we will use this report to see if we can come up with a strategy so that the next report is one HE will be happier about. I tried to stress that his teacher is not angry with him; in fact, she sees how smart he is and her job is to help him show the rest of the world how smart he is, too. I love how you made me think a little differently about the high-energy and “distractedness” that we also experience over here. Thanks for that
Thank you for sharing your experience, Lisa. I really like how you handled it. I think it is wonderful how you reframed the marks on the report card as “tools” for growth and progress–which is so true. And yes, bless all those wonderful teachers out there who patiently educate our children so one day they can get a job or an education or pursue their passions. I really appreciate your lovely insight. xo
simply put…you inspire me to be a better mother
thank you for your thought provoking stories
Thank you for your lovely encouragement, friend.
I totally agree that you should listen to your gut- and you are so right that her “weakness” is really her strength. My son can be different than the “norm” (sensitive and takes awhile to be himself), and I never see it is a negative- but some people make negative comments which sometimes get to me. Thank you for your post.
This is so convicting and encouraging! It’s so easy to point out the things our kids/spouse do wrong but how much better to lift them up in encouragement by noticing what they do right! LOVE, love, love this! Posted a link on FB
So true, Heidi: “It’s so easy to point out the things our kids/spouse do wrong but how much better to lift them up in encouragement by noticing what they do right!” Thank you for that!
Oh goodness did this ever make me cry. I think I cried because what an amazing gift you have learned and given to your daughter in learning the lesson of seeing the good. What a precious gift your daughter has and that you seeing it and appreciating her gift of noticing the things that most miss or pass by will be of such help to you as your raise her to womanhood. Being able to nurture our childrens individual gifts as they grow up along the way is such an honor and delight.
I have a 7 year old in 2nd grade and he has struggled with school from the beginning. First was his struggles with small motor developement which made writing his name a struggle and such a frustration for him. Every day the tears would fall over these struggles. And then it was because his skin is brown and so different from most of the kids at school. And now he has made it to 2nd grade and the struggling continues…homework which is suppose to take 20 minutes takes us a good hour and many times longer. Still, he works so hard and dilegently without complaint. So mostly everything comes harder for him as far as school subjects go and I can see how this affects him in his eye’s and the expressions he makes…which breaks my heart. But this child is the most kindest, loving, caring, outgoing, respectful, hardworking child…he has the gift of making everyone feel good. Every where we go it seems everyone knows him and they are always so happy to see him and seeing his face light up and the huge smile he gets from it brings such joy to my heart. He also has the gift of just wanting to help everyone…he asks to do jobs around the house and in the yard. He is the first to offer or run to help. So these are the things I play on…his beautiful generous heart..so we celebrate the little gains he has in school big time…when he runs through the door and screams I passed my 3′s test so I don’t have to do extra work today, we jump up and down and cheer.
Thank you for the reminder to keep noticing the good..the happy and not so much as to ignore the things my little’s struggle with but to not make such a big deal out of them.
Lori, thank you for sharing a glimpse of your beautiful son. You have brought me to tears as I imagine this compassionate little fellow touching hearts where ever he goes. I am so thankful that his struggles in school have not sabotaged his joy for life and love for helping others. I am certain that his very special mom keeps him focused on his many, many beautiful gifts. Something tells me your son is going to do just fine in life … in fact, I would venture to guess he will do extraordinary things in life. Please give him a big hug from me.
What a beautiful post. I am so hoping that the teacher gets to read this too. We all need little reminders to see the best in others and the good in the world. As Monique attests, a teacher can make a difference in the direction of a life, for good or bad. I’m sure almost every teacher starts out wanting to make that kind of difference (parents as well, they are the first and longest teachers in their childrens lives.) And we all become distracted at times. I hope she is belssed with insights which will renew her convictions as well. Once again, thank you for your open and vulnerable process that leaves the rest of blessed.
I need reminders to grasp what matters all the time! It is so easy to get distracted from what is important. My daughter is certainly blessed to have this particular teacher. She is one lady who is the essence of grasping what matters. I could write an entire post on the way she builds my child up each day. As a former educator myself, it is difficult to write down the things children need to work on, but often necessary. So as a parent, I have learned to try to turn any “problems” into positives, if we can. Thank you for taking time to share, Jeaneen!
Oh my, your daughter has such a sweet sensitive nature, which I suspect must have been encouraged by her sweet sensitive mother. I had tears reading about how you saved that moment and chose to look at her traits in a positive light, instead of negative. I wish all children could be so lifted up.
Thank you, Shanna. I agree that all children need someone to lift them, encourage them, and let them know they are a priceless gift! I have read several studies that indicate having just ONE person who believes in you can make all the difference in the life of a child–a teacher, a mentor, a neighbor. I try to take a special interest in all the children in my life for that very reason. You just never know who might need that extra boost of love and support. Thank you for your very sweet comment.
My daughter was considered to be forthright and bossy in her first year at school- I think of her as one of life leaders who grabs life with both hands and won’t let go. The teachers are now starting to see her leadership qualities and praising her for it.
How wonderful that you saw these characteristics in your daughter as a strength. I cannot think of anything better than to be an advocate for one’s child. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve been thinking recently about how, as adults, we wear our busyness as a badge of honor. We think that the more we have on our to-do lists and the less down-time we have, the more successful we are. But I think true success and lasting happiness come from taking time to slow down and notice the joys, suffering and achievements of those around us. What a wonderful gift your daughter has!
Oh Emily, I wore that badge of honor for two frantic years, and it almost cost me everything I held dear. I was so “busy” that I forgot what true living was … I forgot the point of this precious miracle we call life. Thank God, I was given a second chance. On this journey, I have learned that love and life is in the PAUSE–in those moments we stop and savor with the people we hold dear. Thank you so much for sharing your eloquence.
Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been going thru a similar thing with my youngest daughter. She is 14 and a keen gymnast but lately she has been struggling. She was recently promoted to the next squad and the coach did nothing but criticize her. Unlike the others in the squad who have been injury free, she has had 2 major injuries this year (a dislocated & broken elbow with major ligament damage, and a rolled ankle that had her on crutches for almost 3 weeks). The coach took no account of the fact that she had had long periods out of training. Hannah was getting so upset she was talking of quitting. It has been hard knowing what to say because she has always loved gymnastics so much & has put in such a lot of hard work that I strongly suspect she would regret it later if she quit. She is not naturally talented like some & has to work her butt off to achieve what others learn easily but her passion has always pulled her through. It has been hard striking the balance between making a deal that she carry on a while longer to be sure quitting is the right thing and making her stick to the deal (which has involved me saying some things she didn’t want to hear) and being encouraging of her & praising her for her past diligence & passion. Seriously, she blows me away with what she has achieved. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have told me she’s so talented & I’ve had to correct them so they understand how hard she has fought to get where she is. That’s always there in the back of my mind but I also need to balance that with the fact that it’s her life, not mine, & that ultimately, if she does decide to quit, I have to respect that & just appreciate what was & look forward with anticipation to the new look Hannah.
The good news is she’s had some breakthroughs in the last week so the coach isn’t hassling her as much & she seems a lot happier. She’s now talking about going through to the end of the year instead of just the end of October so I’m a bit more hopeful she’ll carry on. We’ll see!
I love the things she notices. I have and observer too and I never want her to change. As always, you’ve inspired me – to step back and notice things. Especially the good before the bad.
And it was so lovely to have your words at Raising Humans. Thank you so much, friend.
It was my honor to be published on your uplifting and lovely blog, Tricia. Now bring on that precious baby!!! Love and blessings to you, my friend.
This sounds like a page out of my life with my preschooler. What a wonderful way to look at the things others can so quickly point out as faults. It can be so easy to be disappointed and to forget to see it for what it really is, as you have. What an encouragement!
Your daughter is so lucky. What you showed her is the kind of perspective all of us can benefit from during every stage of our lives – we can choose how we interpret our criticisms so as not to diminish our spirit.
Today’s “distracted in large groups” is tomorrow’s ER Doctor. Someone who notices the small things when there is an elephant in the room has a rare skill, you are so correct. The bell curve is far too limiting for the future that lies before us. But you already knew that and prepared her for the journey! LOVE IT! HUGS!
I absolutely LOVED this post. Thank you for sharing
This was such a beautiful post. All of us need to learn how to recognize the positive in the things that aren’t always status quo.
Your children are amazing, and that is no surprise – they have an amazing, loving, wonderful mother!
I love this so much, and I wish more people were like your precious girl, and more parents were like you. I am so glad I found this blog when I did, because so often I have needed the validation I find here that the kind of mom I am is not only okay, but wonderful. Thank you.
Truly amazing. It touched me so and moved me to tears. That is how I want to live! Always. Thank you for this wonderful inspiration.
When I see “Hands Free Mama” in my inbox, I know two things will happen: 1) I will have tears. Some happy, but some not so happy. 2) I find out a new perspective as a parent I never thought of before.
Thank you!
You are amazing…and your writing always moves me to tears. Thank you for sharing all that you do. You are such an inspiration! Xx
Moved to tears, again! Well written tale of observation – thank you for sharing!
Wow…one of the most important, powerful and moving things I have ever read, and from such a real and honest place. Thank you so much for sharing. I am new to your blog, and am enjoying the journey it is taking me on.
Beautifully written and such a great reminder! Thank you! My middle child is quite observant. I tend to refer to it as being nosy but I guess that’s because I’m that way as well. I guess I need to cut us both some slack and look at it as a God-given quality. A blessing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have a 2 year old daughter and am learning to let go of what my idea of perfection is and see the good things that my 2 year old brings to my life: love, joy, laughter, and imagination. This is a great reminder to do just that! Thanks again!
What a wonderful perspective you have of life! It is hard to raise children today that are creative thinkers and artists in a educational system structured for the right brained (or is it the left?)… I was daydreaming the day they taught that I guess. I am 50 years old now but I was that child that you are describing your daughter is. I was sensitive to this while raising my own children and refused to conform to the expectations of the school system. My daughter’s did not follow the “expected” route of college but instead I allowed them to do what they love. I know this is not what many people think it what is going to create a “successful” person but where has being happy gone to? Both of my girls love their jobs and my youngest followed her dream of becoming a pastry chef and thanks us for allowing her to not do a traditional four year college but instead go to culinary school and is now working as a cake decorator at a very fine bakery in town. I wish more people would focus on the positive and not set their children up for failure by making them do something they do not excel at. It sounds like you understand that and your children are lucky to have you as their mother. Keep doing exactly what you are doing and you are going to have happy well adjusted children. Isn’t that the dream we all have for our children.
Thank you for this beautiful perspective and reminder that parenthood is a chance to notice every single day. One that should not be wasted.
I just have to say thanks so much for sharing that. I have a precious 5-going-on-6 yo and I’m just too quick to jump at the negative before looking at the positive.
Thanks for the reminder and I shall strive to keep that in mind as a new day begins.
What an absolutely beautiful, heart-moving post. I cried tears of joy from beginning to end. What a gift your precious daughter is. And what a magnificent job you are doing as her mama, recognizing, honoring, and encouraging her tender, wise and empathetic heart to blossom. If every mother validated her child’s gifts the way you have, how very different our world would be.
Thank you with all my heart for reminding all of us to see the beauty and the good in all things. Many blessings to you and your sweet family.
Thank you, Katherine. You have touched my heart.
I am so, so, so happy to have found your writing. I struggle so hard to be a good parent, and I feel like many days I fail and fail again. I lose my temper, I get exasperated, I just want to sit still and be left in peace for a bit… I forget to see how special life is forming all around me. Everytime I read your latest post, you bring a me feeling of sadness; but at the same time, I feel refreshed. I am ready to go out and do better, and stop to look at what is taking place right under my nose.
Thank you so much for helping me gain my perspective on a regular basis. I really appreciate what you have to say.
Heather,
I could have written what you did!
You’re not alone, I often feel that way too.
Regroup and move on and do better is all you can do in the ever evolving world of parenting.
Cheers,
Another Heather
What a great lesson for all of us to remember. Thank you!
What a beautiful gift your daughter has given you! Thank you for sharing it with us.
It is so wonderful that your daughter notices her surroundings and the people in them. I think it’s a lost “art”, so many people are soooo unobservant anymore, so tuned out and focused inward or on on their i-thing.
I try to instill this in my daughter, although she is only two, I point out to her the people in the lobby at the bank, at the post office, walking down the street, across the way in a cafe. I want her to get it, to be observant, to see the little things. I think it’s important, it really is!
I love what you are teaching your daughter, Heather. To look another person in the eye, whether they are serving you or just conversing with you, it matters! You are so right. Thank you for this lovely reminder. When I am standing in line at the checkout, I will rememeber your words.
She is, indeed, a blessed child. I imagine she will go on to be a wonderful daughter, friend, sister, aunt, wife, mother, grandmother, and human being. People will always want to know her because she ‘notices’ things. She may not always sit still or hear everything the teacher says, but she will always be the one child in the room that others will depend on.
Thank you, Karron. What a lovely thing to say. To be a person others can count on … I cannot think of many attributes more lovely than that. Thank you for shedding a new, inspiring light on the gift of being a “noticer.”
Loved your story about focusing on the positive. When you came to the “negative” comment I was wondering how you were going to handle that and still tell the truth. I like what you did, and loved your daughter’s response! She is one secure little girl, that she could look at it that way too! For some reason it reminded me of my daughter’s first kindergarten report card that was all marked satisfactory except “needs improvement in skipping.” I looked at her and said, “Honey, let me see you skip.” She proceeded to do so, and I said “That looks like great skipping to me!” I figured maybe I didn’t know what “good” skipping is, so the next day I asked the teacher how she determined that my daughter needed “improvement in skipping.” She said “Well, I had the class skip across the playground.” (all 20 of them, ONE time!) I’m sure the children didn’t know they were being “tested,” so who knows what my daughter thought they were supposed to be doing! I remembered that for years, and always thought the best and most positive thing about my daughter FIRST, no matter what someone else said. She’s now 20 years old, has a heart of gold, is thoughtful and wants to help everyone, and plans to be a missionary doctor. It’s what’s on the inside – the heart for people – that matters the most. Your daughter reminds me of her, so keep up your positive thinking and encouraging attitude – sounds like you’re doing a great job!
I have an absolutely exuberant 3 year old. She’s always climbing on things and coming up with the most witty responses or excuses for not minding. She gets her fair share of correction as any disobedient child should but in the midst of dealing with this strong willed child I try to pause and thank God for giving me this high spirited, compassionate, never-a-single-dull-moment gift of a child. Her spunk is going to really get her far in life. I for one can’t wait to see what the future holds for her. This blog really is about changing your perspective and seeing life through a new more optimistic lens. What a blessing it is to have mastered that concept. We can’t control the negatives in life but we can control how we choose to react to them.
Well-done Mama!! I love the way you handled it and am cheering for all the super-observant children of the world! I have at least two of them and I’m the same way. Hey–we write good books when we grow up, lol! xoxo
You are a wonderful Mother. I believe your children feel your love and know that you understand them and will lead them to a wonderful loving adualthood as you have done.
I spent many years as a pre school teacher. To notice that she dressed herself without commenting on the winter boots and tank top gets high marks in my book! We tried so many times to get parents to see how their children were doing well and growing, and so many times they only saw how their kids didn’t measure up to adult standards. Well, they were three or four, not thirty or forty. They are supposed to be kids, loving kids who see so much more than we ever think they could. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother who can let her be herself.
This is perfect. Especially when it comes to our children the language we use is so important. I feel so sad when I hear parents talk dismissively about their child…oh, don’t worry about her, she’s just shy. Children internalise all these ideas about themselves. I I love that your daughter was able to see the positive side of her personality trait. Beautiful post. X
You make me cry every time.
Your writing moves me to tears every time. My daughter also received her progress report today, her first one in high school. She was disappointed when her teacher checked “progressing with difficulty” in English, a subject in which she has always done well. My thoughts are that at least she is progressing. Don’t we all progress with difficulty sometimes and doesn’t that make the progress that much more rewarding? Maintaining perspective and choosing our words wisely as parents is so important. Thanks for the reminder!
Beautiful post! My daughter is 2.5 and is embarking on the (her name)-has-to-do-it phase. I try to appreciate that she’s trying to do it on her own but I do get impatient with her at times when I am really running late because she will NOT let me help her. A reminder to live in the moment. I don’t know if she’s distracted because her daycare teachers tell me that she pipes up with an answer more often than not but she also always tells me who got pushed by whom and who cried and who got hurt. And whose jacket hers resembles!
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oh my! so beautiful. so important. so glad I followed that link
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Beautiful! Reminded me SO much of my own 4 year old daughter. Thank you for putting this personality type in perspective!
I love your blog!
Just beautiful.
What a great reminder to all of us…thanks for posting.
Great post!
I’ve just started blogging and I’ve been looking into making money from it, mine’s not nearly popular (or good!) enough but I think yours is, if you put some advertising on it you’d get a small monthly income. You should look into it, if you haven’t already.
Thank you for the lovely words and encouragement! Since the focus of my blog is about letting go of distraction, I have declined all offers to advertise at this stage. I am currently writing a book based on my journey. That is my main goal right now.
Thankyou. I was an observer as a child, but learnt not to look, to watch, to see, because I was constantly chided for it. I am still an observer, but have silently watched for years, afraid of rejection. Rejection of my offer to help, rejection of who I am… I have never thought that noticing the fear, reading the pain or shame or nervousness on another’s face could be a gift. I will open my eyes to see how God might prompt me to use what I have seen. Thankyou.
Loved reading this. You turned that check mark into something wonderful. I have two out-there, loud, laughing and crazy girls and then one quieter one–she’s a twin to the loudest. When I worry about her being on the edge of the circle I remember my mom saying “Some people have to be the listeners”. She knows every single kid in her school by sight and who they had last year as a teacher because she sat back and just observed. And she’ll say the things that I’ve tried to get through to all of them–she internalizes them and uses them. I think sometimes it is hard to be someone who thinks so much inside and sometimes it is wonderful and I have to know that when she’s quiet it’s because she’s listening. I love how you’ve reminded me.
Oh this is so sweet, Meghan! YES! The world needs listeners! And what a blessing you have one and I have one! I hadn’t thought of it that way … my little girl retains everything I say and remembers tiny details for YEARS! You have nailed it. She is a listener, absorbing and processing it all. How lovely. Thank you so much for taking the time to share and make me smile. Please give your little listener a big hug from me–oh, and the loud laughing girls, too. I love being around the loud, lively kids, too!!!
slipped out of bed this morning (not hard to do considering the edge I had been hugging, indicating yet another stealth mission accomplished by the midnight wanderer), replied to a couple of comments on my own blog (revolution from home) and somehow found myself here, reading you for the first time. boy did i need that cry. my girls are getting big (5, 8,12 and 17). it is getting trickier and trickier to hear the sweetness in their words, see the original intent behind their actions and hold them in an honored space when they are screaming vicious things at each other, ignoring my every word (unless hollered with a hint of threat) and behaving as if i never once showed them an act of kindness. your post was the bit of soul food i needed this morning. the perfect tender reminder of who they are behind the hormones. thank you.
Hi Beth, thank you for the beautifully written comment! I feel like I should frame it. You have openly and eloquently described feelings that I share, too. Mine are 6 and 9. I really loved your last line: “the perfect tender reminder of who they are behind the hormones.” You captured it! I cannot wait to check out your blog. Thanks for commenting!
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Wonderful! Those are the eyes I pray to see with and the words I pray to respond with! I often begin well with my response, but somehow slip in a ‘but’! Ugghhh…must use more restraint with my responses. Thank you for sharing! I will be following!
I only want to let you all know that I enjoyed your discussion a lot. Great post, great commentaries! That’s the best of the “goods” I’ve noticed while reading along this page.
Thank you!
What a beautiful article. Your daughter is blessed to have you have a mother who is able to see her gifts. Thanks for sharing. I am too
I offer heartfelt thanks for sharing this. As always, messages come when we need them most. I struggle in parenting a 10 year old who lives in her thoughts, which are a million miles away. She appears to me to be flighty, irresponsible and unorganized. I know where she gets the unorganized bit from.
Your essay encouraged me to re-frame who she is in my mind. She is a creator of great stories, who is capable of spinning stories that are fantastic. She is not bound by the limits of this reality. She reminds me of letting go and being free.
Your essay also reminds me to be gentle with her as she learns to balance being in this world but not necessarily of this world. She literally travels to other places during conversations. To re-frame constantly my complaints into compliments. I love her. She bucks the rules and marches to her own drum. It is that imagination, courage and creativity that makes her so unique and funny.
Thank you.
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Rachel,
Beautiful. And well written. Thanks for sharing.
Tino
This is a really powerful story.
I have been trying to accomplish this with the parents that I am working with. The idea is that what you focus on is what you get. Because many of my parents have behavior issues, it is hard for them to redirect their attention. Of course this is only because they love their children, only want the best for them, and worry what a change will mean.
I especially like how you turned the negative into a positive. That is another way to redirect focus. For your daughter, this will be a valuable skill. To find opportunities through challenges. A slight tweak that I might have made would be to help her understand what she is missing. We should play to our strengths as that will help us me most productive. However, when we understand our weaknesses, we can account for them.
This is interesting because it is a topic that I have been discussing recently. However, I have been focusing on punishments specifically. How punishing bad behavior instead of redirecting behavior towards the positive, is not nearly as effective as focusing on the positives. If interested, the article can be found at: http://www.impetusengagement.com Can There Be a Punishment Free Home?
this is beautiful
I thank you, as a Momma, and as a Special Educator
From a former special educator: Thank you, Michelle. I know what you are doing each day is the work of angels. Bless you.
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