“Words are the voice of the heart.” -Confucius
I was recently invited to teach a writing lesson to the students in my daughter’s classroom. It was an opportunity to bring together my two loves—teaching and writing. Yet, there was a moment of hesitation. For the first time ever, I wondered if my daughter would want me to come to her classroom. This summer she turned nine, and I’ve noticed that with her growing maturity comes new parental expectations.
I’ve noticed that around her friends and in social settings, my behavior matters. No longer am I allowed to act silly when transporting her friends in the car. And I am definitely not allowed to sing out loud. When I jokingly tease her friends, I get “the look” from my daughter. But these new parental boundaries don’t bother me. I was young once, and I distinctly remember when my parents’ behavior straddled a thin line between being socially acceptable and downright embarrassing. In order to maintain access to my daughter’s world, I am willing to conform to her parental expectations.
So I asked my daughter if it would be okay if I taught a lesson on word choice to her classmates. She gave me a whole-hearted YES and enthusiastically added, “Be sure to tell them about www.handsfreemama.com!”
Despite the fact that my daughter gave me her blessing to visit her classroom, I strived to keep her feelings in mind as I prepared the lesson. I collected several samples of writing for the presentation and consciously chose ones that did not involve my daughter. At one point, I laughed at the irony; here I was doing a lesson on word choice, and I was choosing my words carefully—striving to protect my relationship with my daughter above all else.
On the day of the lesson, I chose an outfit that I knew would be to her liking. I forgo my usual ponytail for a fresh wash and style. I wanted my daughter to ask me back to school again—at least until she enters middle school. (My friends with older children assure me that’s the point when I’ll consider myself lucky to get in the door for parent-teacher conferences.)
Like her classmates, my daughter greeted me with a warm welcome. As the lesson unfolded, she raised her hand to offer bits of information that related to the writing samples I displayed. There was only one time when the discussion steered a little too close to her comfort zone. At that point, my daughter put her head down on her desk in embarrassment. But as soon as it was time to start writing, she immediately got to work. My daughter seemed quite pleased to read the descriptive sentences she crafted—proudly displaying that the writing gene had been passed on to her. When it was time to go, I planned to play it cool and give her a friendly wave, but instead she ran over and hugged me fiercely.
I left the building feeling grateful I had chosen my words carefully—selecting words that made her feel comfortable, safe, and did nothing to embarrass her. It may seem unnecessary, ridiculous to some—but I believe such consideration matters. It is in these sensitive social situation where our behavior can either strengthen or jeopardize the bond of trust between parent and child.
Parental word choice: The words we choose matter.
As my daughter grows, the time I have with her is becoming more and more limited. She is quite content to do her own thing. She loves to spend time alone in her room and enjoys being with her friends. So when my daughter does invite me into her world, I am conscious of my behavior.
I monitor my facial expression when she tells me something shocking, disappointing, or trivial. If it matters enough for her to bring it up, then it matters—regardless of how maddening or petty it is to me.
I want her to keep confiding in me.
I listen to her when I am tired and wish she would be quiet. Even if her problem or question could be dealt with later, I take a deep breath and offer my attention and patience.
I want her to keep seeking my advice and guidance.
I encourage her to share her feelings when she has an opinion or proclamation about an issue. Even if I feel like smirking, laughing, or completely disagreeing, I hear her out.
I want her to continue telling me what she thinks, feels, and believes.
Parental word choice: The words we choose matter.
This is not to say I do not correct my child, guide her, or tell her when I am disappointed in her behavior. Because I do.
But I don’t do it in front of her friends.
I don’t do it on the pool deck at the conclusion of a swim meet.
I don’t do it in the presence of other adults.
I don’t do it online.
If there is something I feel she needs to work on, I talk to her privately. Why?
So she can maintain her self-respect and dignity.
So we can work through the problem without adding interference from outside sources.
So she continues to trust me in the challenging and sensitive areas of her life.
I will admit, sometimes it’s tempting to use public forums, like a group of parents sitting around at a sporting event or an online community, to air grievances when dealing with particular issues with my child. After all, we live in a tell-all society. Social media encourages us to share our inner thoughts and make private battles public. But to preserve the most sacred parts of my personal relationships and maintain trust, I choose not to offer personal issues for public discussion and consumption.
And so far, this appears to be the right choice for us—for this choice is validated each night at bedtime.
My nine-year-old daughter – who is maturing right before my eyes – still loves to have “Talk Time” with me.
In the dark solitude of her bedroom, I am the one she tells her deepest fears and poses life’s most important questions … just like she did when she started this ritual at age three.
And each night, when I walk out of her bedroom, I whisper a prayer of gratitude that tonight she wanted to talk to me. And I pray she will want to talk to me again tomorrow, and the night after that, and the night after that.
So I will do all I can to make these conversations happen.
I will continue to choose my words carefully. Because what we parents say matters. Where we say it matters. And to whom we say it matters.
There are just some parts of life worth keeping sacred.
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What steps do you take to build and maintain trust and privacy in your relationships? What actions do you take to encourage your children/loved ones to share their lives with you?
Pam Moore—named Forbes Top 10 Women in Social Media and member of The Hands Free Revolution—has written an eye-opening article that highlights the ramifications of using social media to vent frustrations about one’s children. It is an enlightening read for anyone raising children in the digital age.
Thank you for being a part of The Hands Free Revolution … an encouraging community striving to keep a protective barrier around what (and who) really matters in life.
The The Words We Choose by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Your words matter to your daughter and to those of us who eagerly look for your most recent posts!
Thank you for sharing your gifts.
Wow! You have just made my day a little brighter, Michelle. Thank you for such meaningful words. xo
Great post and great advice! My mother is, and has always been, chatty and talkative, but never reprimanded me in front of others and gave me plenty of privacy. Being the mother of girls is surely very difficult! I love your ideas and input on keeping the channels open – choosing your words carefully will ensure that your daughter knows you respect her, and vice versa. Much love to you and your family!
Thank you, Kristin. I always enjoy reading your thoughts and insight. Thank you for being such a faithful companion on this life-changing journey!
This is a topic that is near to my heart. With 2 boys I am fearful that a day will come where they no longer want to express all of their feelings to me. I’m working hard to keep this day from ever coming by taking time each day with them, one on one, to listen to everything they have to share (this happens right before bedtime each night). I’ve shared this before, but it is still so true.
http://thesimplystated.blogspot.com/2012/04/one-on-one.html
I’m also making sure that when they get frustrated or angry that I pause and take time to stop and ask them to express their feelings – letting them know that I value everything they feel and have to say and that I am there for them. Even with these things I still need to work at making sure I choose every word carefully and build into their tender hearts.
Thank you, Susan. You know I adored your bedtime post (I left 2 comments, after all! Ha. Must have been one of my not-so-tech-savvy days!) Anyway, I loved the point you made about using that sacred time as a means of knowing your children … and that by investing that time in now, it could lead to a close relationship later. That is also my hope and my prayer.
I cherish your comments and your links to your beautiful posts. I never have enough time to read all the wonderful things out there, so I am always honored when someone provides me a link to a treasure, as you graciously have. Thanks for being here. xo
Lovely! Thank you. I have 2 daughters and love the idea of talk time but any ideas on how to make this work when they share a room, have the same story/bedtime,and I do bedtimes alone during the week? They are nearly 4 and 20 months so bedtime still very busy and hands on.
Hi Vicki, thanks you for asking. I have juggled bedtime/talk time alone for many years so I will try to offer some ideas. What I always did was after we had joint stories, I would tuck the younger one in bed and then have “talk time” with the older one. That is tricky for you since the kids share a room. Perhaps you could tuck the younger one in and then you and the older child could lie on your bed and have a few minutes of talk time. I would definitely keep the lights low so he/she doesn’t get too riled up. If that is going to be too disruptive to move to a new location for talk time, what about having a fan on low so the younger one might not hear you whispering? The other possibility is to do one on one talk time at another time of day. Is there is any time that the younger one is occupied? Your 3 year old will catch on quickly and love the opportunity to have “talk time” with you once he/she knows what it is. You can say this is your special time when he/she can talk about (or ask) anything he or she wants to. It doesn’t not have to be at bedtime. When my girls got a little older, I would have the older one read to herself while I had talk time with the younger one. We still do that today. I am amazed at what I discover is going on in their hearts and mind when I just have a few minutes alone in a distraction-free environment. If anyone else reads Vicki’s question and has any suggestions, please feel free to chime in!
We often read on the “big bed” and then I stay to nurse the baby while Papa does tuck-in and “story of the day” (which includes talk time). We also often have quiet snuggle/talk time when the older one wakes up from her nap but the baby is sleeping.
Thanks for sharing, Lauren. I appreciate you sharing your way of making it work!
I truly feel the word ‘sacred’ is not included enough in our discussions about our children. I often sit and discuss things with my boys in the last few minutes before they go to sleep and I consider that time sacred and more than essential.
Thank you, as always, Rachel. Your heart is so wide and your path so true. You are an inspiration.
What a lovely thought — what if ‘sacred’ were used more in our discussions and interactions with our children? I can only think the results would be transformative.
Thank you for your generous compliment. Your encouraging comments never cease to fuel my writing and touch my heart in a powerful way.
This one really spoke to me. I think we have the same daughter! I am very careful to listen, ask questions but not get more personal than what makes her comfortable, and I try very hard not to lose her trust so that she will continue to confide in me. I was a shy child and felt that my boundaries weren’t always respected (and that was before the internet!) Thank you for reminding me how important this is.
I found myself nodding along as I read this blog. I also chose my words very carefully with my daughter, and work very hard to never reprimand her in public. Our children deserve our respect. Really, it’s only fair if we wish to have theirs! I wouldn’t want a reprimand in front of my peers, so why would she? I also try very hard to never talk “down” to her. She may only be six, but she has some very cool and innovative ideas. Ideas so original that only a child could dream of them. We always need to remember our children are people and in no way do we have any right to think of them as less intelligent or important than a grown up. They just don’t have as much life experience and schooling yet. (Which can be a wonderful thing, because kids have a way to getting to the heart of the matter that we grown ups lack.)
I have made my daughter a promise -no matter what she may do, or whatever mistake she may make, I will NOT get angry with her unless she lies about it. I make mistakes so why wouldn’t she? I’m not saying there aren’t consequences, but I’d rather spend the time helping her brainstorm how she will fix things than make her afraid to tell me. This isn’t easy, but I think in the long run it will be very worth it.
Thank you for another great blog!
Wow, Dayle. I love the way you think! I think your daughter is incredibly blessed to have you as a mother, a confidant, a role model, and teammate for life. Thank you for this lovely bit of inspiration this evening!!!
You are so wise! One of the biggest things that I appreciated about my parents as a young person was that they always listened to and respected my opinions, even if they completely disagreed with them, (and they often did!). My privacy was a completely different matter and I will probably make the same mistake – history being doomed to repeat itself and all
I wrote a post today about my son being a bit of a loner and wondered if I should post it, or if it would bother him in the future. Could you read it and tell me what you think? http://www.jen-rantsraves.blogspot.com/2012/11/i-cried-in-target.html
Thank you so much for taking time to comment, Jen. I really enjoyed reading the post you wrote. So open and honest. I left a detailed comment on your blog! So grateful to be sharing this journey with you! xo
As a mama of kids 10, 12, and 13, I know all too well this feeling. Thankfully, my 10 year old is just starting to show some of these signs. I know her time will come though. Thanks for the reminder of what really matters and that we have to live in the moment each and every blessed day.
Great words to live by. My daughters are 10 and 2 and I definitely needed to read this. Many times I get exasperated with my 10 year old’s need to tell me every little bit of drama that occurred during the day. I need to remind myself that I should appreciate the fact that she WANTS to talk to me and wants to share with me. Even if the topics don’t appear to be high priority to me. If they are important to her they deserve my consideration and acknowledgement.
Thank you, Isabel. Awareness is everything, isn’t it? I consistently need reminders to get my mindset back on what really matters in the grand scheme of life. I appreciate your realness, my friend.
Thank you for your post today! I have an 8 year old daughter and I really needed to read this. I have noticed that I try to rush through things with her instead of stopping and listening. And like you’ve mentioned, I’m aware that there will come a day when she doesn’t want to tell me everything. If I don’t listen now, I am probably going to make that day come sooner than expected.
I also value your comment about keeping things private. We do live in a public society and I think we often forget when we are telling others about our children that our children are actually really people with feelings who do not want their dirty laundry aired to the public. I think I do an ok job of keeping things private, but I’m going to work harder on this, too.
Thank you, Jennifer. I appreciate your thoughtful comments and willingness to look inward in order to evaluate what you might do better to foster your relationship with your daughter. I have days when I rush them, too. Our busy world and lives program us to get on to the next thing. I must consistently remind myself what is going to matter in 20 years — it’s not going to be the “excess” that distracts me, it will be my precious relationships. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!
This really hit home for me. My youngest is 12. She is at the age where she is growing her own wings and wanting to be separate. For a little while, she said she wanted to tuck herself into bed at night (this hurt) but that only lasted a little while. I love going to tuck her into bed, and it gives me a chance to touch base with her BUT I don’t take the amount of time that I should.
Hoping I’m not too late…loving the idea of slowing things down a little bit.
Thank you for the comment, Casey. I commend you for your honesty and realness. I truly don’t feel like it’s ever too late to offer a listening ear or safe haven of acceptance to our children. They are amazingly forgiving and open to our love. And when offer ourselves to our children on a regular basis an incredible bond can be formed. Thank you for being here.
Your words are always so inspiring. Thank you so much.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said and I want to cry and run and hold my baby girl and tell her how sorry I am for not having listened to her better.
May God grant me the grace to do it better tomorrow.
Thank you for your words!
ps. How do you have talk time with both girls individually?
Hi Jessica, thank you for your words. I want to share with you what I just wrote to Jessica: “I truly don’t feel like it’s ever too late to offer a listening ear or safe haven of acceptance to our children. They are amazingly forgiving and open to our love.”
To answer your question, I do things differently now they are older — but when they were young, I would put the younger one to bed first. The older one could occupy herself in her room during that time. Then I would have talk time with the older one. We did that for a couple years. When the little one got to be 4, she started asking for talk time, too. I must admit, I was a little hesitant because I knew this would make the whole bedtime ritual longer. (I wrote about this here: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/04/12/what-began-as-a-question/ ) Well, that ended up being enlightening for me to hear what was on her mind, so we continued. Now, they are 6 and 9. I still put the little one to bed first. The older one practices multiplication facts on the computer for that 15 minute period. Then I have talk time with her. We talk for about 10-15 minutes. It does not drag on and on, but it is enough to build that line of communication and hear about what is going on in her life/mind/heart. However, if something serious comes up, I tend to take a little more time with her.
Thanks for being a part of this journey with me!
Thank you so much! I do talk time with my 4 year old, have for quite awhile now but it seems rushed because of my 1 1/2 year old’s needs. If I put her to sleep first, then my 4 year old falls asleep!
I’ll have to think of how to work that out. I love our talk times but I wish they didn’t feel so rushed.
I am usually the only parent around for bedtime so that puts an additional factor into it.
Thank you again for your inspiring words!
Rachel
Really liked the message about being focused on parents adapting their approaches/practices to fit a child’s maturation need for increased autonomy. Especially agreed w/ the need to respect a child and to create routine opportunities (e.g. talk time) to provide a place/time to share information, thoughts, fears, hopes, etc. Also, your replies to readers are truly outstanding. You are exceptional !
Thank you, Dad. I learned from the best! XO love you!
What beautiful reminders in this post. As a seasoned mother so to speak and doing this mommy gig a second time around, I so appreciate the reminders of the important things in parenting. Listening to our children and helping them feel heard, giving them our respect, allowing them to be who they are and to feel and express their emotions and making sure these precious young souls know that they are valuable, are worthy , givers to our world so that they do know they matter not just to us but to the world. I know all these things work because it’s what I did the first time around(of course not perfectly but gave it my best shot
and even through the teen years I had good relationships with all 5 of my children. Now that they are all adults we have a mutal friendship that goes very deep and I so appreciate that I put that work in when they were little.
Bravo to another great post! Bless you Rachel!
Lori, this really means the world to me. I love to hear from parents that are farther down the parenting path than I am. Your eloquently written words of wisdom are so affirming to me. Your message is almost like a glimpse into the future — reminding me that the effort I am putting in now to listen and nurture is truly an investment that will pay off in a close relationship with my grown children someday. That is my prayer. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your beautiful thoughts. I am grateful for your presence and encouragement along this journey! Bless you, Lori!
Another important and very valuable lesson in your post today, thank you!
That is my prayer and hope everyday that my daughters will always want me to be in their lives and to talk to me. I had not thought about the airing of things in public to get others opinions etc, I will think twice about that.
I appreciate you describing how you talk to your daughter in private, too many parents embarrass their children and do not realize how it affects them.
Thank you for your continued words of wisdom!
Tanya
you are such a great mother.
Well, there truly are no accidents. You left a comment on my site which led me here–a place I was meant to be, clearly.
I am definitely too plugged in to cyberspace, but it’s something I’m aware of; it has been weighing on me for some time now. In the past year, I’ve modified my use and share-level drastically.
I applaud you for being so conscious of your daughter’s feelings. I think that is just called…respect? Our society is losing sight of boundaries and I think it’s a tragedy.
Thank you, Wendie! It is amazing the way this blogging world works — I, too, have found myself reading something that I just know was meant for me to read that day.
I think it is so easy to get sucked into the digital world — particularly when our job is to write and market ourselves online — so I think it is great that you are aware of this pull and have taken steps to curb it. I am constantly assessing my online time and looking for poignant reminders about what really does matter in the end. This constant evaluation helps me to keep things into perspective. That is why I loved your post so much, Wendie. It is so easy to get caught up in the consumerism, busy-ness, and perfection that drowns out what really matters each holiday season. The poem your mother wrote left me in a crying mess — really, really beautiful. I could see that being published in a heart beat.
Thanks for stopping over. You have truly made my day.
Sweet Rachel: I have a confession to make. My Inbox is always so full that I often just breeze through it, sticking things here and there (willy-nilly, albeit, thoughtfully) in order to organize everything. When I saw yours this morning, I nearly deleted it. I thank my Father, God, that I didn’t for He blessed me abundantly through your words. After my tears turned to outright sobs(!), I realized I was coming to the close of your story. Then, I read the comments and realized from where you got a portion of your tender heart. From your earthly father. Thank you, Rachel, for reminding me to stay diligent in my private and precious relationship with my 8-year-old daughter, Promise. Only we, as mothers, can make sure it stays protected. The next post of yours that I see in my Inbox, I’ll “tear open” like a Christmas present. Please write soon. I’ll be waiting….
Oh Jen, now I am the one who is a crying mess. Your message touches my heart deeply. I just sent it to my dad — I know it will make him teary, too. Thank you, friend, for your beautiful honesty has become a precious gift for me and my dad today. I am truly grateful you took the time to write to me. I am blessed by you. Thank you!!!! xo
I too have a 9 y.o. daughter. And as it happens I also help out in her class with writing.
I love this weekly time when I get to peek into her world at school, but I always leave a little more tired than I expected. This is because while in her classroom, I simultaneously work with the kids on writing and keep an eye on how my daughter is responding to my being there.
This age brings the beginning of that same tight-rope I walked when my daughter was two (I know this because I have two older kids). Different language and responses work at different times with kids this age. It takes more energy than it did the year before. But it’s worth the energy.
This is such an excellent point, Rachel! I don’t have children, but I’ve been thinking this week about the importance of respecting my co-workers, and the best way I’ve found to do that is through words. Regardless of whether I’m working with an intern or a veteran reporter, I’ve recognized the incredible impact expressing gratitude and admiration can have. Everyone needs encouragement, and everyone appreciates feeling like their names are safe in our mouths.
I wish you would give me a writing lesson after I come here! ;0)
While it wasn’t stated directly, I think you hit on a critical point. I have taught individuals of every age from 2 year olds to doctors in hospitals. I learned that people are always people, no matter the age. Maybe the things they think are dignified or warranted change from setting to setting, or age to age, but their basic desire for respect, understanding, and compassion never changes.
Ultimately, there is only one person that everyone really cares about; themselves. When we demonstrate that they are important to us as well, but giving them those three things, our relationship with them improves. Rank or celebrity doesn’t matter. How we think and treat them determines how much they like us.
Reminds me of a literature review conducted by Freakonomics Radio. They essentially discovered that parents have very little influence over their children with the exception of whether or not they drink/smoke and how much they perceived their parents to love them.
Sometimes, it is just more important to have certain little people like us than others. :0)
I have a 4 year old little girl and am so happy to have read this now. Thank you.
I too have “talk time” with my son every night when the light goes off and I lie next to him as he offloads his day before settling into a deep sleep. He will soon be 8 years old and I had started getting annoyed that I was still having to lie with him when it comes to bed time, simply because I had increased my work responsibilities and found less time in the day to get through it all. Besides that, he is old enough to go to sleep on his own, right?! Truth is, I love lying next to him as he tells me all that is on his heart – even the silly imaginings of hero’s destroying the characters out to get them and too hope that they last for many more years to come. The 8 years I’ve had seem way too short to stop now.
Thank you so much for this post! I really needed it, this should apply to ALL situations not just with kids. Social media is not the place to post personal problems. I know everyone could be more careful in the words they use! Thank you so much again!