“It is not enough to love a child, they must know that they are loved” – John Bosco
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I should have been elated, doing the ‘happy dance’ around my living room. My husband’s company was honoring him for outstanding job performance which meant the two of us would be taking a trip … alone. But for some reason I was preoccupied by the fact that this would be the longest and farthest we’d been separated from our children.
There was packing to do and instruction lists to be made for my mother-in-law who was going to care for the kids in our absence. Yet, I could only think about one thing–and I could not walk out the door until I did it.
I had to write love notes to my daughters.
I had to tell them exactly what made me proud to be their mother. I had to tell them everything I found captivating, brilliant, humorous, and beautifully original about each of them.
And so I did.
I wrote down all these lovely things in a note that I taped to their bed frames before I left. I knew that when they came to bed each night my words would be there to console them—even though I would not be.
I’d like to say I did this for assurance purposes, but the truth is far more grave. I put the notes there just in case … just in case the unspeakable happened … just in case I never came back to tell them these things myself.
That was one year ago … yet my oldest daughter’s note still remains in her room. Several months ago she moved it from her bed frame to her special “memory board” — a colorful display she created one rainy Saturday afternoon. Among pictures of herself as a baby, swim team ribbons, and photos of family and friends, hangs my love note.
One day I walked by her room and saw her reading it. I don’t know if that was the first time, but something tells me it wasn’t.
That same night, as my daughter and I were having our nightly talk time, two gut-wrenching questions came to mind and filled my eyes with tears. Why must a weeklong separation be the reason I write my child a love note? Why must the fear of never returning home provide the necessary motivation to tell my child exactly why I love her?
After giving her a goodnight kiss, I called out one more “I love you” before shutting her bedroom door. But I wanted to tell her more. She needed to know more. She deserved to know more. And not because I am leaving. Please God, not because I am leaving anytime soon. Just because I love her, and she needs to know exactly why.
So I sat down and wrote these words:
To my dear daughter,
I love your kind, compassionate heart.
I love that you are tenderhearted and sensitive, and you cry when your heart hurts.
I love that you don’t stay sad for long, but instead try to figure out how to make your heart heal.
I love that you think about others who are suffering and try to figure out how you can help them.
I love to watch you create things with your hands … like doll clothes and doll food. I love the creative gifts you make for others using the supplies we have around the house.
I love to hear you read. It amazes me how far you’ve come. I love that you never gave up on something that was difficult.
I love how you teach your little sister so many things. You are a great instructor and role model for her.
I love how you are becoming more confident and sticking up for yourself and for others who are being mistreated.
I love to watch you gracefully glide through the water when you swim. I love seeing the determination on your face and your work ethic at practice.
I love how you support my dreams of being an author and provide me with inspiration to write.
I love it when you laugh so hard that you get tears in your eyes.
I love spending time together, just the two of us.
I was about to conclude my love note to my daughter when the compelling words of a dear blog reader came to mind. This reader has given me permission to share these powerful words about her father:
Our family was ripped apart by the inability of a man to say, “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong.” These are words I have made a point of saying to my loved ones. I have learned that words said in an unkind manner, even if they are accurate, are hurtful and warrant an apology. I find the words you write in your blog to be healing. In your own way, you are letting your children know you can sometimes be wrong, and you will find a way to make things right … and they are important enough for you to try.
I decided my child’s love note was the perfect time to apologize and admit my mistakes because I am certain that I don’t do it often enough. “I’m sorry” are beautifully healing words. My daughter needed to hear them. She deserved to hear them. My love note continued …
I am sorry I don’t always take time to tell you these things that I love about you.
I am sorry when I tend to point out the things you could improve on instead taking time to celebrate the million things you do right.
I am sorry sometimes I lose my patience over things that are meaningless and unimportant.
I am sorry for raising my voice when I could just use a normal voice.
I am sorry that sometimes when I get angry with you, it actually has nothing to do with you.
I will try my best to do better on these things that I am sorry about and that hurt your feelings. Thank you for loving me even despite my mistakes. Thank you for forgiving me.
I hope you know that being a good mom to you is my most important job, and I am thankful every single day that God blessed me with the job of loving you and raising you.
I am so proud to have you as my daughter. Nothing makes me happier than to look at you, talk to you, and listen to you. You are the greatest gift my heart has ever known.
I decided the ideal time to read it to her would be bedtime the next evening. I started by telling my daughter that I had written her a note and wanted to read it to her. She smiled and abruptly sat up as if she didn’t want to miss anything.
I started reading all the things I love about her.
Her face immediately shined. The way she smiled reminded me of the way her face looks when she holds a cat. In her eyes, I saw tenderness and love. I saw self-confidence and joy. I saw inner peace that only true connection with another living being can bring.
When I got to the apology section, she immediately dropped her head. Her hair hung forward, and I could not see her face. Although apologies are often uncomfortable for the giver, it appeared that being on the receiving end was difficult for her. That made me realize that I don’t apologize often enough. I continued reading although it was difficult for both of us.
When I came to the conclusion of my note, her head popped back up and her beautiful smile resumed in full force. I anxiously waited to see what she would say, but there were no words. My daughter simply leaned over and hugged me.
When I wrapped my arms around her, they felt lighter. A weight that I hadn’t realized was there had been lifted.
Without missing a beat, my child began our nightly discussion. As usual, our conversation covered much territory in ten minutes, but this time there was a renewed connection that had not been there the night before.
Not only did she know I loved her, but she knew every single reason why.
And that, my friends, makes for an incredibly soft place to lay your head.
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If you have been with me from the beginning of my “Hands Free” journey, then you will know this was one of my earlier posts. But I share it today in honor of Valentine’s Day because I believe it is the most impactful and most important of all the “Hands Free” strategies I have ever described.
I make a point to write love notes to my children and my spouse often – describing in no particular order what I love about them. The reason I know these notes matter is because once they are read, they get displayed–but not by me. The same children who misplace coats, shoes, and headbands on a regular basis have managed to keep track of their mama’s love notes. And they read them (or have me read them) over and over.
Don’t wait another day to tell your children why you love them. Grab a piece of paper and make a list. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Just say what’s in your heart today. These words matter.
Thank you for being a part of The Hands Free Revolution … letting go of distraction to grasp what really matters in life. Your comments, emails, and faithful presence are my daily gifts.
The More Than ‘I Love You’ by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Wow. I’m loving this post. As a parent sometimes I find it hard to express just how much I love my kids. I love how you wrote out specific tangibles for her to really understand.
Thank you for this post – it has touched me deeply as I sit here typing through tears!
Thank you, Lori. I wasn’t sure if re-posting this story was a good idea or not. You have confirmed that it was. I am grateful you took a moment to tell me.
As usual, I love it! Yes, this is something we do pretty regularly around here, too. I am a writer…that’s my love language. It comes easy for me…but I have to DO IT. I have to take the time to write to my dear ones instead of on facebook or even for work. I write in a journal to each of my kiddos, too. We often read the entries together. What a beautiful way to be present. Love, Lisa
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Great point, Lisa. Taking time to actually do it … that is the tricky part. But oh is it worth it when you see the recipient’s face. I know you know. I love the work that you do and the writing that you share. You are such a gift to the parents of this world.
Thank you. Thank you. Your thoughts & words are so touching & have moved me. This mama’s heart is often full of what she wants to say but too often she lets the opportunity pass. And you’re so right–my daughter, who daily loses socks, library books, hairbrush, & pencils, knows exactly where her earthly treasures are (& if I’ve touched anything to clean!). Going now to put thoughts to paper for this most-important, lovely dear one.
Jan you have made me smile today. So glad to know your child loses things, but not the IMPORTANT things, like mine. Thank you for writing to your child. I would love to know the outcome!
Wow. I am so moved by your words. I have often thought of writing my children a note, but I don’t know where to start. It’s easy to forget the impact of not just my words, but their tone, on my children. I remember as a small child being affected so dramatically by little things my parents said or did, both good and bad. Thank you for the reminder that it’s the little moments that really matter, not the bigger picture of “success” and certainly not the “super-mom status” that I feel so pressured to be.
Thank you, Nicole. It makes me happy to know this post helped you “take the pressure off.” I strive each day to give myself a little grace when it comes to the perfection department. I strive each day to have those little moments of connection. To me, that is a good day. Thanks for being here.
Love this post! I was just pondering in my mind about starting a journal with each of my little’s and each of us writing back and forth to each other. Reading this was all the encouragement I needed to put this into action.
For Valentines Day I will again decorate their bedroom doors with hearts. On a big heart I write What we love about you and then on small hearts I write all the ways we love them and things we love about them. The hearts stay on their doors until they eventually fall off and they are sad to see them gone. Which shows me how much they need these kinds of things. Even though we say I love you to the moon and back or I love you past heaven all of the time at our house, their faces really light up when I take the time to be really specific about my love for them. Such as the other day I said to my little, ” I really love how you are so gentle with your baby cousin and how you talk to her. I can tell that she loves and trusts you already.” He beamed and the way his eye’s lit up told me that I need to do this often. As always thank you for your words!
Great post, and great idea. I write my children love notes on April Fool’s Day. On a day dedicated to practical jokes that sometimes are hurtful, I take the time to make sure a loving note waits for them when they get home from school. I got this idea from a very loving friend of mine who has raised four loving children.
Rachel, your post touched me so deeply! I don’t think I’ve ever written a direct letter to my boys such as the ones you’ve created for your daughters. That ends today! Thank you for inspiring me to write to our sons; I’m going to encourage my husband to join me! In gratitude, Kathy
P.S. I love your writing style!!
This is powerful and beautiful. Thanks for putting into words the love a parent has for a child. You’ve motivated me to try to do it myself. Your posts put joy in my heart and I’m so thankful you share your thoughts. I’ve passed on your site to friends and mentioned your posts numerous times. Your writing is priceless!
This is beautiful. We have started doing the Gratitude List every night before bed. Each of us will write 5 things we are grateful for (I write them for my youngest), and then we share them out loud. It is a soothing, calming thing to do before bed, and we get to tell each other little love notes in brief. We have them in special books for each of us, and I feel quite certain they will help us if we are ever feeling down.
Thank you so much for all of your meaningful words, especially this post. I have been meaning to write my 4 children notes letting them know how precious they are, in the event that something happens to me. I know they feel that love, but I want them to have something physical to have in my absence. I have also recently started back to work and am having a difficult time making everything work. I don’t have as much time to spend with them and my temper has been short! I have some apologizing to do, and I think I just might do in a love note to each of them
Even when we never received these beautiful affirmations and apologies, we can still give them to our children…it is God’s way of healing us, I believe. Thank you so much for these words.
What an enlightening and empowering thought, Peach. Thank you for sharing. I know someone needed that today.
Yes, indeed. Thank you for writing that, Peach. And thank you, Rachel – as always, for putting these posts up. So very powerful and POSITIVE.
As always, I come away from your posts uplifted and full of ideas on how to communicate more effectively with my daughter. Thank you so so much!
Absolutely beautiful in thought, word and deed!
Thanks for this wake-up reminder. My two boys are grown but this Valentine’s Day, included in their cards will be love notes with lots of “I love you because…” and an equal number of “I’m sorry when…”. And then, I’m going to sit down and write one to the most important person in my life…my dear husband who may need to hear this more than the kiddos! Thanks for your inspiration.
Thank you, Janie. I love that you are going to write letters to your grown boys. I have always loved the letters of affirmation I receive from my parents — even to this day. And thank you also for thinking of your husband, too.
My three year old just asked me why I was crying. I didn’t realize that tears were just streaming down my face as I read this beautiful letter to your daughter. My six year old son is very tender hearted and would be absolutely dumb founded to read a letter like this from me. Thank you for your lovely ideas that help us truly connect with our children.
I am so glad this resonated with you, Leslie. It means so much to know the impact. Thanks for telling me.
Oh, how I love it when I see a new post from you in my inbox.
A school where I worked as a young teacher had a birthday tradition of tracing the birthday child on a large piece of butcher paper, and then every person in the circle would take a turn to tell the birthday child what they liked, loved, or appreciated about them. The “birthday chart” would fill up with “I like playing blocks with you”; “I love to run with you on the playground;” “I like your smile…”
Parents would tell me their child’s chart would hang on the bedroom wall all year, and that the child would ask to have the words read over and over.
I brought the tradition to each other school where I worked, and it is going strong today. Last year I had the amazing experience of my own son having his first-ever birthday chart. Yep, it hung on his wall for almost a year, and we read those loving words often.
Grace, this is AWESOME!!! Gosh, I would love one of my children to have you for a teacher. What a beautiful form of affirmation and community you create with your special tradition. I am so inspired.
Oh wow, I love this. I’m going to write a note to my boys today!
YAY. This makes me happy, Lindsey.
i love this post too! this inspired me to write my own note to my 12 year old daughter as well, only i took it one step farther. i add “my hopes”; everything that i hope and dream for her as she grows older. thank you for your wonderful blog – i learn so much from you! never stop writing, the world needs you.
Thank you, Mary. I love that extra addition. I have so many good hopes for my children, too. PS I am so touched by your last sentence. I will be tucking that away in my heart permanently.
This is beautiful! When I took a week-long trip away from my daughter I left as handwritten card for her to open and read each night. This was a wonderful reminder that I need to do that more often … for no reason at all.
Thank you. I needed this.
I was just telling my husband that when I was in third grade, I was “star of the week”, and how the teacher wrote that I had a great personality and a warm smile. I loved that star and those words, and I still have them to this day, and that was from a teacher! So, I know how special words like that are coming from a parent. I thank God that I started my blog around the time my son was 9 months old. It is my ongoing love note to him, but my favorite posts are his annual birthday letters. They will help me remember what made each year special.
What a beautiful memory, Jen. It confirms how much these details mean to our children. Thank you, friend.
I LOVE this! Why haven’t I thought of this before. Thank-you SO much for sharing!
I’ve been thinking all week about what I was going to “get” my kids for Valentine’s Day. Now I know exactly what I am going to do… write them love letters! Thank you so much for the inspiration!!!
Just wanted you to know my hubby has been away for a couple days and I kinda rushed through bedtime so I could veg out! Grabbed my phone, read your post, now I am getting back up to write notes for everyone! Thanks for sharing!
I have those nights, too, Jen. So happy that reading my post was on your list … but even more happy that all your sweeties will be receiving notes! Makes my night a good one. Thank you.
I started reading your blog because I wanted to follow a blog written in english and boy am I happy about that decision! You always write so beautiful and touch my heart every time! I have to write one of those notes as well! Thank you for your blog!
Thank you for this! I have just recently begun subscribing and this is my first time receiving you’re blog. Such a fantastic reminder for Valentines day. I’m glad that you reposted.
Thanks for the reminder, Rachel! I write a few sentences nightly in the journals I keep for both of my kids, but I’ve been meaning to write them each a letter. You’ve inspired me to take action. I will be writing Valentines letters to my son, daughter and husband. Even though the kids are too young to understand now (2 y/o and 6-mos), I hope they will read these letters someday and know how much I love them now and always. I believe this will be my Valentine’s tradition from now on. I’m excited to start!
Thank you. I am a new reader. I found your blog about a month ago but have just now checked back. What a wonderful way to end my day. This is a beautiful entry and I am happy that you re-posted for those of us who are new to your website.
Thank you for such wonderful and inspiring words. My children are teenagers now and although I have always told them I love them I know I was not always truly present to listen, I let silly things in life get in the way. It’s never to late to write that note I guess. Wishing you a very Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you, Geraldine. I would agree that it’s never too late to write that note. I hope you do. Thanks for being here.
Brilliant! I did this for my 5 kids for valentines day this year. I loved taking the time to think about what I loved about each of them individually. What I didn’t expect was my older two boys’ reactions( they are nearly 6 and 7)… Both cried and gave me big long hugs. It was so tender and sweet. Thanks for sharing this awesome idea!!!
Thank you, Jennie. It is SO meaningful for me to know the results of this post! You have touched my heart and fueled my writing today.
i love this! at this moment my two little ones are being quite trying but i am inspired to write both of them a note telling them just how much i love them and even adding my apologies. thank you, thank you, thank you!
This makes me feel so hopeful, Shirley. Thank you.
Thank you! I took your advise and wrote love letters to all 4 of girls for Valentines Day. I have never been one in the past to run to the store and buy Valentine gifts…so this was right up my alley. My 11 year old told me twice how much she “loved” her letter. And my 20 year old asked me if I really wrote it..all 4 letters where different…they were well received. Thank you for such a simple show of love.
Oh Leanne! This is so special to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back to tell me how the notes were received. This means everything to me.
Thank you so much. This post moved me to tears and made my heartache as I sit reading with my 17 month old napping on my chest. I’ve followed your blog for a while and your posts always strike a chord with me, I am doing my best to encourage a hands free revolution in myself and my family and admire your approach a lot, I am sure you are the sort of mother many people wish they had and would like to be
thank you again and all the best, Jodie xx
Thank you for being a companion on this journey with me, Jodie. We are trying, aren’t we? We may fall down, we may struggle, but we keep showing up for our precious ones. It is making a difference. I know it is. Thank you, friend.
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I just recently discovered your blog and I’m so glad I did. I love, love, love it!!!! It is helping me become a better mom to my two little boys. Thank you!
This was beautiful! When my little girl was first born I wrote her a letter and swore I would keep up with it. I didn’t. But this is necessary. Some people can speak it and some can write it and I need to play to my strengths. Thanks for sharing your heart especially the apology part. I have never thought about that and yet it’s a vital part of our interactions. It’s teaching forgiveness, I think.
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