I cherish the notes I receive from my children—whether they are scribbled with a Sharpie on a yellow sticky note or written in perfect penmanship on lined paper. But the Mother’s Day poem I received from my 9-year-old daughter was especially meaningful. In fact, the first line of the poem caused my breath to catch as warm tears slid down my face.
“The important thing about my mom is … she’s always there for me, even when I get in trouble.”
You see, it hasn’t always been this way.
In the midst of my highly distracted life, I started a new practice that was quite different from the way I behaved up until that point. I became a yeller. It wasn’t often, but it was extreme—like an overloaded balloon that suddenly pops and makes everyone in earshot startle with fear.
So what was it about my then 3-year-old and 6-year-old children that caused me to lose it? Was it how she insisted on running off to get three more beaded necklaces and her favorite pink sunglasses when we were already late? Was it that she tried to pour her own cereal and dumped the entire box on the kitchen counter? Was it that she dropped and shattered my special glass angel on the hardwood floor after being told not to touch it? Was it that she fought sleep like a prizefighter when I needed peace and quiet the most? Was it that the two of them fought over ridiculous things like who would be first out of the car or who got the biggest dip of ice cream?
Yes, it was those things—normal mishaps and typical kid issues and attitudes that irritated me to the point of losing control.
That is not an easy sentence to write. Nor is this an easy time in my life to relive because truth be told, I hated myself in those moments. What had become of me that I needed to scream at two precious little people who I loved more than life?
Let me tell you what had become of me.
My distractions
Excessive phone use, commitment overload, multiple page to-do lists, and the pursuit of perfection consumed me. And yelling at the people I loved was a direct result of the loss of control I was feeling in my life.
Inevitably, I had to fall apart somewhere. So I fell apart behind closed doors in the company of the people who meant the most to me.
Until one fateful day.
My older daughter had gotten on a stool and was reaching for something in the pantry when she accidently dumped an entire bag of rice on the floor. As a million tiny grains pelleted the floor like rain, my child’s eyes welled up with tears. And that’s when I saw it—the fear in her eyes as she braced herself for her mother’s tirade.
She’s scared of me, I thought with the most painful realization imaginable. My six-year-old child is scared of my reaction to her innocent mistake.
With deep sorrow, I realized that was not the mother I wanted my children to grow up with, nor was it how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
Within a few weeks of that episode, I had my Breakdown-Breakthrough—my moment of painful awareness that propelled me on a Hands Free journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really mattered. That was two and a half years ago—two and half years of scaling back slowly on the excess and electronic distraction in my life … two and half years of releasing myself from the unachievable standard of perfection and societal pressure to “do it all.” As I let go of my internal and external distractions, the anger and stress pent up inside me slowly dissipated. With a lighten load, I was able to react to my children’s mistakes and wrongdoings in a more calm, compassionate, and reasonable manner.
I said things like, “It’s just chocolate syrup. You can wipe it up, and the counter will be as good as new.”
(Instead of expelling an exasperated sigh and an eye roll for good measure.)
I offered to hold the broom while she swept up a sea of Cheerios that covered the floor.
(Instead of standing over her with a look of disapproval and utter annoyance.)
I helped her think through where she might have set down her glasses.
(Instead of shaming her for being so irresponsible.)
And in the moments when sheer exhaustion and incessant whining were about to get the best of me, I walked into the bathroom, shut the door, and gave myself a moment to exhale and remind myself they are children, and children make mistakes. Just like me.
And over time, the fear that once flared in my children’s eyes when they were in trouble disappeared. And thank goodness, I became a haven in their times of trouble—instead of the enemy from which to run and hide.
I am not sure I would have thought to write about this profound transformation had it not been for the incident that happened one Monday afternoon. In that moment, I got a taste of life overwhelmed and the urge to yell was on the tip of my tongue. I was nearing the final chapters of my first book and my computer froze up. Suddenly the edits of three entire chapters disappeared in front of my eyes. I spent several minutes frantically trying to revert to the most recent version of the manuscript. When that failed to work, I consulted the time machine backup, only to find that it, too, had experienced an error. When I realized I would never recover the work I did on those three chapters, I wanted to cry—but even more so, I wanted to rage.
But I couldn’t because it was time to pick up the children from school and take them to swim team practice. With great restraint, I calmly shut my laptop and reminded myself there could be much, much worse problems than re-writing these chapters. Then I told myself there was absolutely nothing I could do about this problem right now.
When my children got in the car, they immediately knew something was wrong. “What’s wrong, Mama?” they asked in unison after taking one glimpse of my ashen face.
I felt like yelling, “I lost three days worth of work on my book!”
I felt like hitting the steering wheel with my fist because sitting in the car was the last place I wanted to be in that moment. I wanted to go home and fix my book—not shuttle kids to swim team, wring out wet bathing suits, comb through tangled hair, make dinner, wash dishes, and do the nightly tuck in.
But instead I calmly said, “I’m having a little trouble talking right now. I lost part of my book. And I don’t want to talk because I feel very frustrated.”
“We’re sorry,” the oldest one said for the both of them. And then, as if they knew I needed space, they were quiet all the way to the pool. The children and I went about our day and although I was more quiet than usual, I didn’t yell and I tried my best to refrain from thinking about the book issue.
Finally, the day was almost done. I had tucked my youngest child in bed and was laying beside my oldest daughter for nightly Talk Time.
“Do you think you will get your chapters back?” my daughter asked quietly.
And that’s when I started to cry – not so much about the three chapters, I knew they could be rewritten – my heartbreak was more of a release due to the exhaustion and frustration involved in writing and editing a book. I had been so close to the end. To have it suddenly ripped away was incredibly disappointing.
To my surprise, my child reached out and stroked my hair softly. She said reassuring words like, “Computers can be so frustrating,” and “I could take a look at the time machine to see if I can fix the backup.” And then finally, “Mama, you can do this. You’re the best writer I know,” and “I’ll help you however I can.”
In my time of “trouble,” there she was, a patient and compassionate encourager who wouldn’t think of kicking me when I was already down.
My child would not have learned this empathetic response if I had remained a yeller. Because yelling shuts down the communication; it severs the bond; it causes people to separate—instead of come closer.
“The important thing is … my mom is always there for me, even when I get in trouble.” My child wrote that about me, the woman who went through a difficult period that she’s not proud of, but she learned from. And in my daughter’s words, I see hope for others.
The important thing is … it’s not too late to stop yelling.
The important thing is … children forgive–especially if they see the person they love trying to change.
The important thing is … life is too short to get upset over spilled cereal and misplaced shoes.
The important thing is … no matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day.
Today we can choose a peaceful response.
And in doing so, we can teach our children that peace builds bridges—bridges that can carry us over in times of trouble.
*******************************************
Update: In exactly 5 days, my latest work of heart, ONLY LOVE TODAY enters the world (March 7, 2017). Through my most honest writing yet, I reveal my own struggles to hold onto what's most important, and make what’s most lasting the first priority in my everyday life. Designed for people with busy lives, you can literally open the book to any page and find words that will re-route your day in a more positive, loving direction. Early readers in the Launch Team are experiencing major shifts in their hearts and homes as a result of reading this book daily. Here is a small sample:
· I’ve been reading little pieces to my 5-year-old and the section about being softer really hit home with us. Now when I’m getting frustrated and raising my voice she will put her hand over her heart and verbally remind me, “we read that book together momma.”
· I am grateful everyday for having become a part of the Only love Today movement. I used to be a real momster. My daughter has noticed the change in me and now when she sees me going down that old road of anger and frustration, she gently reminds me to come back. We are in a much happier place now.
If you would like precise strategies, inspiring words, and daily intentions that enable you to choose love, connection, acceptance, and peace over criticism, chaos, negativity, and judgment, this moment-by-moment encouragement book is exactly what you need. Preorder in the next five days and receive a hand lettered collection of reminders to breathe more, stress less, and choose love. Just email your receipt to [email protected]. There are still some signed copies left at Barnes & Noble that would make beautiful gifts. Thank you so much for being part of The Hands Free Revolution!
Taylor says
Such a beautiful and inspiring post today. I teared up knowing that I have a little bit of a yeller in me. As of today, no more!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Taylor, I am so touched. I must say, it was difficult to publish this post today. Thank you for letting me know you are here, walking beside me on this journey. Some days are harder than others, but each day we try to do better. And that matters, doesn’t it? Thanks for leaving the first comment. It means so much.
Lindsay says
Hey, nice post. I am not a parent, but I’ve worked in the camping industry for years, we are not allowed to yell (unless its part of a song) but I wouldn’t anyway. My mom was and still is a yeller. I am a grown adult and still get skittish around her when I know shes stressed because I don’t like being yelled at. I can say from experiance and from listening to the kids I’ve worked with. There is no faster way to break a child’s spirit by yelling at them. Most of the time I would have prefered being hit than being yelled at. So thank you for publishing this and showing just how detrimental this commonly used parenting tactic is. I promise you, it is making a difference
Maggie Patel says
My mother was also a yeller and this writing really stuck with me as I know exactly that feeling when the rice spilled out onto the floor. As a mom now, I try incredibly hard not to yell but sometimes mess up especially when being yelled at by my two year old when we are stuck in traffic. IT’S TOUGH. Thanks for this piece.
JR says
So true. I grew up with an angry father. I was so sensitive to his moods and tried to avoid him wherever possible so as I didn’t do anything wrong. As a parent myself now, I have to work doubly hard to mind my own reactions with my kids, especially when I am tired or stressed. Sometimes, my first instinct is to anger – as that is what I grew up with. I manage to choose a better way to respond – most of the time anyway!
Elizabeth says
I am sitting here in my living room balling my eyes out b/c this is who I know I am…..My wonderful amazing gift from GOD is my joy and I yell when I get frustrated (which is often) and I absolutely hate myself, finding myself apologizing and asking my 6 almost 7 year old for forgiveness……and he always says, “mama I forgive”. God has trusted me with this special child and he has taught me what real forgiveness is:) Thank you Rachel for this inspirational story that is my story…..Mama of Jedidiah (JED)
Cheryl says
Thank you, thank you! I am a recovering yeller too and I must stop for the relationships with my kids to heal!
C L says
I teared up as well reading your post because I’m also guilty of being a yeller after having 2 kids (now 4 and 5.5). Thank you for the inspiration and I’ll try my best to stop yelling and let go of the feeling of being overwhelmed by other things that are less important than my kids.
sally says
Hi Rachel, I don’t know from where i can begin! But really i need someone advice. I have only one daughter,she’s 7yrs old. As much as i yell to her i bring her everything she wants before she asked for games,toys, clothes, money anything but suddenly from a week ago i realize that she doesn’t care about anything she doesn’t have something special. she doesn’t care if i punished her by taking a toy from her even her activities- I stopped for her the horsing lesson & she didn’t care then her gymnastic also she didn’t cry or tell me please i’ll be good even last night i told her i won’t read for you bedtime story- this is a very imp. part of the day since she was a baby- and this part shocked me because for the first time we didn’t do it!? yesterday i yelled to her because she always lost her stuff in school i don’t know what’s wrong with her she also doesn’t want to eat any meal and ofcourse i yell too much about this please tell me what am I suppose to do !!
Teri says
Sally:
I am an RN. I honestly think your daughter needs a check up by her medical doctor; perhaps you also could use one. Just to be sure nothing medically is wrong. Then I would ask for a referral for a psychiiatrist to have her or him, but with a female child, I’ld prefer the female psych. Get a thorogh check up there and then follow all the instructions you have received from both sources. I wish you all the success in the world with this problem. Because it IS a problem, just what type we don’t know yet. So please, find out and let people help you and your daughter treat the problem. I wish I could help you myself, but it is too dangerous to try to diagnosis and treat over the net. Please let us know how you are doing. I care.
Faye says
As an outside observer it sounds a little like your child might be showing early symptoms of depression or trauma, but of course I’m not in the situation and there are many, many things that could cause a child to become apathetic about various things. Try to talk to her about these things that concern you. “I’ve noticed that you aren’t eating very much. Aren’t you hungry?” or even “What happened at school today?” can go a long way for finding out if something is out of the ordinary. The more you guys talk about stuff the easier it’ll be to figure out if something needs to be done. Understand that some things, like disorganization or lack of hunger, may be something she can’t help so yelling at her will cause her to resent you and herself, not improve.
I came here as someone who doesn’t have kids, but wants to – but also someone who has both been a yeller in my relationships and yelled AT as a child – and I can tell you that the gaps in communication when I got a little older — and my family was GOOD about it mostly — allowed me to keep a lot of secrets just by not saying anything, I think it’s key to a family relationship.
m says
I was like that as a kid, and my mom never got it (and we’re still not close today). I’ll tell you what’s wrong: she doesn’t like your game and she’s not going to play any more. The more you threaten to take from her, the less she will have any attachment to it–or you. You are making yourself seem untrustworthy.
Stop yelling and threatening to take things away.
Stop filling up her life with so much stuff in the first place.
Show her that you take her opinion into consideration, especially when she expresses it civilly, even though you can’t always give her her way. Ask yourself what she really wants out of childhood. It’s probably not gymnastics classes or the latest game. It might be conflict-free time with you. It might be something else. But she might not be willing to tell you right now, because if she admits that she really wants something, you will take it from her any time you aren’t happy with her.
Jessica says
I’m very agree with you!!! Sally dear, please stop taking important things from your daughter and yelling at her, you are hurting her and yourself in a huge way. I’m glad you came asking for help, that shows you are worry and really care, yelling and punishing just show your child what power abuse is, nothing else. Please don’t forget that over all, you are a model for her, she is learning from what you do, not what you say. Usually we don’t get the right parenting tools from our parents, so we make the same mistakes they made with us, but we can break the circle of abuse when we realize we are hurting who we love the most!! Children are so forgiving, as soon as you start making it better, she will do it too. I really wish you the best. Be the mom you want your daughter to be one day. Be the mom you wanted to have.
Love
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Jessica. This is so lovely. I appreciate you reaching out to encourage and support a fellow parent.
Vicki in Costa Rica says
I SOOOOO AGREE with “M”!! YOUR credibility/trustworthiness is shot!
I have NEVER met a “bad child” – just VERY HURT•WOUNDED children because of things their parents have done/said to them – which most likely are things THEIR parents did/said to them & on & on down the generations.
You’re at least aware of part of the challenge – now YOU can start working on it as she is JUST reacting to YOU!!!
Do you want her to be treated badly when she grows up? Statistics are REALLY GOOD that she WILL go from bad relationship to bad relationship – bad friendships/work environments where people treat her badly if you BOTH don’t work on healing what’s going on. But YOU MUST do so FIRST – on your own!! Do NOT make her feel that something is wrong with HER. It’s YOUR issue she’s responding/reacting to!!!
Could she not be sharing with you what’s going on because she FEARS YOUR REACTION?? This is a VERY COMMON mistake MANY females/mothers do – they demand that you tell them the truth – & then they flip out when they don’t like what they’re hearing – reacting!!
Deborah says
It sounds like your daughter needs some medical intervention. It may be that something has triggered an episode of depression. make sure she gets a complete physical workup to rule out any physical illness and get a referral to see a Psychologist. Don’t wait. I’ve been there with one of my children. Do not put it off. early intervention is critical.
Vicki in Costa Rica says
PLEASE be VERY CAREFUL with medical & psychiatric visits as they tend to want to blame something going on with the child instead of getting to the ROOT CAUSE of the problem (YOU & her reaction to you) & they automatically want to fill her with poisonish prescription drugs that beat her Spirit down & tell her something is wrong with HER!!!
Nasrine says
Sally, I feel like you are building a wall between you and your daughter by just taking everything away. I feel like bedtime rituals like reading should not be broken. It’s a time that she feels safe and you can use this time to connect with her. Also, taking away things like horse riding lessons, gymnastics, that are really good for her physically and mentally is not a good idea, in my humble opinion (I know I don’t know all the details); you don’t want her to find other means of escape that are not healthy. My 7 year old is a lot different than my 5 year old. I can take away things I know matter to her, but like me, she is sensitive, stubborn and has a lot of pride and would rather die than show you she cares. Also, like me, she has ADD and loses, forgets things all the time and probably already gets mad at herself and then knows you will punish her. She is not doing it on purpose but needs “tools” to her her with this and many other things. My mom yelled so much and also nagged 24/7. After a while, you block it out and also get depressed.
Nasrine says
sorry..continuing. Parenting is not easy. I am a yeller and nag now too, sadly and am trying to change. We should all be required to have parenting classes before and during children. We need to learn so much and also UNlearn the dysfunctional ways of our parents. I know you are doing your best. As Oprah says, “When we know better, we do better” 🙂
Nikki says
Sally, I highly recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Persuaded-Revised-Updated-Edition/dp/1578565650
I think it will give you the tools you need to understand your daughter and help you know how to communicate your authority in a way that allows her to have a voice and that engages her in making good choices.
holly says
Sally, I notice you say you give her everything before she asks for it. Why? She needs to want something before it is important enough to lose. Strike up a conversation about your schedules, activities, what does SHE want and like to do. Sometimes we give our kids all the things we wanted and don’t ask what they want. Wait for it. It will be more meaningful. And yes, get in touch with a mental health professional for her and you. I hope things improve.
lulu says
Sally, my daughter was very much the same and I have been at my wits end, ready to throw in the towel many times. I recently had her tested (at 14…I regret waiting so long now) and it turns out she has ADHD-inattentive/impulsive type as well as a learning disorder. Since finding this out, things have improved vastly in our house. It is not so much the daughter learning new ways of doing thing but her parents learning to parent differently. As a result, her behavior has altered too. I’m not saying this is the answer for you but if you are already spending a fortune on stuff, it may as well go toward testing and therapy. Good luck. Remember that your daughter deserves for you to fight for her when she cant do it for herself.
Elizabeth says
I am 18 now. I do not have any children yet. I am not close to either one of my parents sadly. My father was and still is a yeller, whenever he comes around. My mother has no back bone so growing up I felt that I couldn’t really trust her to be there in my time of need. I remember on my 13th birthday, I think, my parents got in an argument. Both were completely wasted beyond any peaceful night. I had a couple of friends over and I started crying because not only was I embarrassed, I was also scared. I have always been sensitive when it came to people arguing. I am so glad my grandmother was living with us at that time. She went downstairs to tell my parents to knock it off. The next morning I couldn’t look at either one of them. I didn’t look them in the eye because I didn’t want them to see the resentment and fear I held in my eyes. Nearly a year later my parents split up the night of my All City Choir Concert. It broke my heart to see that my father wasn’t mature enough to act like a normal family and watch my performance. My mom saw a tear rolling down my face and so she started crying too. They both took what I thought was what I wanted more than anything in life, for them to be together and for us all to live as a normal family. My father, the yeller, was also an alcoholic. One day after I got ungrounded I asked for the computer password. He didn’t know what they were because my mom set them up. He told me he would ask her for them when she got home. I was trying to be nice because I know it is easy to become distracted and forget, so I started writing a note on the dry-erase board. He came in and asked what I was doing and then yelled at me for trying to help out. Being as sensitive as I am, I went upstairs and cried. I explained to my grandmother the situation. I know it was a silly thing to cry over, but it still hurt nonetheless. So my dad asks me what was wrong when he sees that I have been crying. I say “You yelled at me”. I was hoping he would get the clue, but instead he yells again. He says “You are too sensitive, just like your mother”. This of course brought on new tears. I have been fearful of getting yelled at and disappointing others ever since. At times I still become leery when I see that he isn’t in the best mood. When I was in the sixth grade what was left of our broken relationship became nothing. He had made a very horrible decision and almost died. Even though I was terrified of him, I still loved him. I took the long way around to tell you that, it is important to develop a civil relationship with your daughter. It won’t be easy, but later in life if you don’t you will regret it. You daughter does love you and I know you love her. Remember, you set the example of how she will most likely raise her future children. If you do not want to see your grandchildren cower in fear or seem defiant to the bone, the change starts with you. You can tell it like it is and still maintain a calm voice. As you get better each day your daughter will see that you are trying to change and the relationship will become strong again. It won’t be perfect by any means but it ill get better. I hope my rant helped a little. I was kind of late in responding.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing, Elizabeth. You are a courageous and brave young lady. You have helped many people today by sharing your perspective. I wish you peace and healing, dear one.
CLewis says
You wrote this a while back, so hopefully life with your daughter has gotten better. This post brought back memories of me and my mother. Your daughter is retreating. Take her somewhere beautiful and quiet…beach, park, outdoors. And tell her you want to start fresh with her. Tell her you’re sorry for all the yelling and that you would love it if she would try harder too (use something specific here, so she knows what to do). Also, ask her if there anything else she is upset about with you and you won’t get mad or bring it up later (and you really can’t or she’ll never trust you again). In turn, tell her something that is upsetting you about her (don’t go overboard!). Then, have weekly follow up outings to voice each others grievances and what made each of you happy over the last week (this could also be personal things that happened- not concerning your relationship). I think if my mother and I could have had a formula like this, it would have helped our relationship. Showing vulnerability is a powerful tool. I’m 38 now, and we barely talk. Don’t let that be you two. God Bless you guys.
Jenny says
Hi Sally – I’m saddened to read your comment above. I don’t believe any 7 year old would be shutting down the way she is under normal circumstances and her behavior is certainly very concerning. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, but along with seeking help for her (and yourself), I also recommend learning more about her “love language.” Work together to determine what her love language is (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and start “speaking” it to her, as often as possible, whether it is quality time with you she desires that is peaceful and enjoyable, or whether you are encouraging her with words of affirmation, or gestures that are as simple as a hug or a gentle kiss. Your daughter needs to know that you love her. I am praying for you and your daughter.
Jenny says
Hi Sally – I’m saddened to read your comment above. I don’t believe any 7 year old would be shutting down the way she is under normal circumstances and her behavior is certainly very concerning. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, but along with seeking help for her (and yourself), I also recommend learning more about her “love language.” Work together to determine what her love language is (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and start “speaking” it to her, as often as possible, whether it is quality time with you she desires that is peaceful and enjoyable, or whether you are encouraging her with words of affirmation, or gestures that are as simple as a hug or a gentle kiss. Your daughter needs to know that you love her. I am praying for you and your daughter.
With that said, I read this post thanks to a friend of mine that shared it on FB and I was very grateful. For one, I feel somewhat normal because I now realize I am not the only parent that is struggling with this issue. On the other hand, I also know that this is not a behavior I am proud of or want to continue. I am a stay at home mom to a 6, 3, and 2 year old and while it doesn’t give me permission to yell, I do become frustrated and overwhelmed (our two sons also have a language delay, making communication with each other more challenging). I am trying hard to work at this and praying for supernatural patience as it is not something I am proud of and worry about the long term effects of it if it continues.
Thank you, Rachel, for being so transparent with your audience. It was very moving and very inspiring to me personally. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us.
– Jenny Cantu
Billy Gibson says
Rachel, I noticed that there were only a handful of men that had responded to your post but I am going to be one of them. I am a yeller also. I am not proud of it but at least can admit it. It’s funny as I write this how I actually feel about that admission. I would love to stop and just communicate with my 14 year-old as a normal relationship would allow you to. He is an ADHD kid and at times hard to deal with. I am going to try to do better after reading these other posts and use them as encouragenent in my quest to be a better parent.
Jessica says
oh dear, I teared up so much remembering the day I close my Facebook account and my home phone because I realized they distracted me so much, that sometimes I was not listening to my girl and I was always thinking about what to write and not about my family. I have never been a yeller, but I used to do all of the other things (rolling eyes, tone of voice, sigh, etc.) I’m still working on my behavior when she spills painting on the carpet (I live in carpeted apartment) but I’m getting better at thinking “I’ll wash it when she turns 10, maybe)
Thanks you for your words, thank you for sharing, thanks you for remind me where I am and where I want to be.
Love Jessica
Deborah says
Hi Rachel
I loved what you had to say. it struck home for me. I was terrified of my parents and I never shared anything that was important with them and did not trust them to be there for me at all. My father passed away a few years ago and I’ve tried to mend the relationship with my mother for the sake of my children but I think they feel the tension no matter how hard I try not to let it show. I want my kids to have a healthy relationship so that their kids will have a healthy relationship and so on .
It is so wonderful that you recognized what yelling was doing with to your kids and found ways to nurture your kids to be caring loving individuals.
Although I never yelled at my kids I recognize that I still had that look of disapproval and annoyance and I’m sure that it affected my kids perhaps the same way that yelling would.
It is said that we will raise our children the way we were raised but I like to think that we can change…its recognizing what needs to be changed and acting on it that will make the difference for our kids, grandkids and so on.
I hope that a lot of people will get an opportunity to read this heartwarming and honest journal that I think will open the eyes of many parents and parents to be.
Thankyou for sharing
Nasrine says
One last comment addressed to you, Rachel. My friend in Dubai posted this on her FB wall. As soon as I read it I was also moved to tears. This came to me at the perfect time. You have inspired me and have given me the profound sense of urgency to take steps towards change. Thank you!!
Ali says
Thank you so much for sharing. Such a beautiful story and inspiration to me to be a better & more understanding Mother to my 5 year old daughter. As I read your story, I felt like it was myself I was reading about. Very touching. Thank you.
Susan says
Knowing I am not alone in my failures as a parent just helped me breath a little deeper. Thank you for your courage to post. Each day I wake hoping it’s a little quieter. Hoping she won’t remember these days of “yell”. Loving loudly my cousin says…I still strive to find our peace together. Thanks for being out there sharing this with me and all others struggling with our amazing children.
ami says
I have read this post again n again as I tend to become a yeller mom intermittently. I am so grateful to you for sharing this so beautifully and its really no surprise that you are so successful. You are one of god’s angels who is being there for His children when he can’t be everytime. God bless you and your family. Love Always.
Annette Small says
THANK YOU! My heart breaks for you because I know EXACTLY how you feel, and yet you weren’t afraid to put it in black & white. Well done, you! We have 2 new businesses so I let go of perfection a long time ago. But the constant feeling of being overwhelmed can push me to the point of exploding, and usually at the people I love the most, and deserve it the least. It’s something I’ve been working on, but stumbling across this was a lifesaver for me today. Could feel the tension building as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, going into one of the busiest weekends of the year for us. I WILL remember to hug my kids, remind them how much I love them, and try to step back, take a breath, and remind myself it could ALWAYS be worse. Just look around and you’ll see many who have much bigger problems than yours but somehow manage to smile. I’m going to make every effort to be a hugger, not a “yeller” from now on. Again. THANK YOU!
Nasrine says
I love this. resonated with me and very inspiring. Thank you.
Kathleen says
I started this same journey during lent this past year. I gave up yelling for lent. Some days were harder than others. I was doing much better, but I find myself reverting. You have given me new hope that I can still change my ways.
Julie says
Kathleen, I love the idea of giving up yelling for Lent. Wish I’d done it too … but I’m going to start now instead 🙂
Cindi says
You know, to paraphrase, some wise person somewhere once said, “The best time to plant a tree was 100 years ago. The second best time is now.” 😉
Beth says
🙂 There is HOPE for me.
Cindi says
Beth, there IS! :hug:
Rachel Denning says
I was tearing up as well. Thanks for this well written reminder of what is important.
Emily says
Reading this was very emotional for me and rang very true for both my husband and I. Thank you so much for your well written words of wisdom.
Gordana says
me too!! so perfectly put..Im going to give it a try!! thanks for just what I needed, such words of wisdom!
Joan Boulet says
Thankyou for this post… it brought up a whole bunch of things for me. I remember when my daughters were young, and how i over reacted .
I was trying to be perfect with everything i did. the stress of it all ways went back to my family … Im a different women now, I’ve had a great deal of time to look at my life.. My daughters see me different now. I love my daughters a great deal. I hope i did not damage them…
Jennifer Hugill says
You’re post brought me to tears. Like you I have 2 young children. I have been sick for 4 years. Trying to be a super mom despite my limitations is my downfall. I have been on terrible medications that alter mood and increase anxiety. Thanks to a few surgeries those meds are no longer needed. Unfortunately I still have many limitations that leave me tired and make the simplest of tasks seem overwhelming. I’ve always known yelling was wrong and ineffective. I’ve tried very hard to stop and have gotten better, but today is when it ends!
Mine as well as all children are far to precious to be treated this way. If we want them to have the tools to succeed in times of extreme stress or difficulty we need to show them!
Thank you for this letter. Thank you for reinforcing what I already knew to be wrong but most importantly for letting me know I’m not alone! I will not yell, I will be a hands free Mom and calm all the extra noise (tv, radio, loud toys, iPads) during stressful times or moments. One thing I have noticed is when the kids are fighting or crying, it’s much easier to be calm and parent effectively when the only thing you need to contend with is the children. Not the noise from all other devices. It helps to calm me and focus on the task at hand. The important ones, my children.
Thank you,
Jennifer
Christie says
Thank you for this post and especially for the ‘Six Words You Should Say Today
‘ post (which i only came across today). As a proud mom of a 3 yr old boy and another bundle of joy to join my family in a few weeks, I can honestly say you are already changing my life for the better. Thank you!
Cindy says
After being a yeller to my three first children, God gave me another chance. I had two more precious baby girls. I started to think about the important things in life. I started to think that one day they will be grown and right now this is our life. Cheerios on the floor, lost shoes, and getting a late start. That was many years ago, they are all grown, and we survived.
Michelle says
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your personal story. As I read this, I felt the shame and guilt rise up in me because I have become a yeller. I do not want my kids to see me in that manner, ever!! And starting today, I want to be a mother who is compassionate, understanding and loving. I need to remember that their childhood goes so fast, and if I need a moment to calm down, to do so and then come back to them with love and compassion in my eyes, rather than rage.
Mandy says
Guilty! I have an almost 4 yr old. I am conscious of it most times and can stop myself, but there are those times when I am trying to do too many things at once and then he does something (like a child does) and I take that frustration out on him and yell. I need to stop. I am going to work on stopping that behavior..I don’t want to be a yeller.. I want him to know when I mean business, but that just sends the wrong message and I couldnt imagine it getting to the point when he is welling up just by fearing me, oh no.. don’t want to see that day.
Nicole says
Thank you so much for this post! I am not a mama yet, but I was an only child raised by an internally conflicted mother, who wanted to be loving and nurturing but allowed her rage to dictate the way she raised me. I remember clearly being seven years old and watching through tear-filled eyes as she scoffed and rolled her eyes when I tried to explain that her yelling made me afraid. Today, we have a push me-pull you relationship, and it frustrates her that we are not closer. Thank you for graciously accepting the ways that your yelling was injuring your children and affirmatively changing yourself for their best interest!
Jen says
Thank you so much for sharing! I think as mothers, we all are trying so hard. I feel inadequate constantly! But, because of honest posts, like this one, I know I’m ok! I know that I am trying, and doing the best I can, and that’s what matters! Thanks again! Much love!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Jen! This really means a lot to me. We are all trying, aren’t we? Sometimes we stumble, but we get back up & keep trying. I’d say that matters–it matters a lot. So glad you left this comment.
Eric Romero says
Very touching and meaningful post. My wife and I were just talking about this exact subject last night while we lay in bed.We have a 5 year old boy and a 6 month old boy. We are doing all the same missteps and are willing to change to give our boys a more loving childhood. I cant tell you how much I needed this…its like in my time of worry and feelings of failure as a parent this post shows up on my page and completely broke me down ,but inlightend me on how much I and we will strive to be that rock for our kids.
Angie says
I can not begin to thank you enough for this post…it has touched me and inspired me in more ways than you can imagine. I sincerely appreciate your raw honesty with this topic and it has definitely encouraged me to make some major changes in my life! So THANK YOU!
Ladygodzilla says
Check the thyroid levels. All the patience and hard work you do balancing your energy and dialing down your rage will all be null if your thyroid is out of balance. I was blessed with having had the amazing experience of living through a period of extreme hyperthyroidism (high thyroid) followed by a period of extreme hypothyroidism (low thyroid). Not only was the fluctuation in hormones enough to send me over the edge, but it also instructed me on the nature of thyroidism and how it can make you feel at different levels. There were times when, despite my best efforts at positive thought and positive energy, I was not able to contain my emotions. This was not because I was a bad person or not taking enough time for myself or my family, I felt that way because my body’s hormones were so out of whack that it was driving me crazy. It was really driven home to me during my last period of hyperthyroidism, (it only happened because of a drug interaction with my thyroid replacement medication). I was only slightly hyper, just barely over the line. But it was enough to really effect my mood and behavior. I realized that all those years I spent working on healing myself and failing was because of the mighty power of that teeny little gland. The thyroid can have a profound effect on the mood and has really caused me to question exactly what it is that makes me the person I am, because depending on the level of thyroid hormone in my body, I really am different people. I know the thyroid is not the cause of all mental illness or rage or depression. But I know it is a powerful factor and one that needs to be looked at more in depth. I still have arguments with my doctors about this. But I lived this and witnessed this first hand. When I had a malfunctioning thyroid with a hot nodule, I was totally crazy. Now I don’t have a thyroid and I have no symptoms of being crazy, even when I am super stressed, because my thyroid levels are tightly controlled through medication. I thought that meditation and good diet would heal my screwed up mind and body, and although they did help manage symptoms, they were not the cure. The cure was leveling out the thyroid levels.
R2Mommy says
I can hardly type through the tears. I was looking up info for why my son might suddenly be craving ice so much and eating little, drinking lots…(fear of diabetes) and nothing I needed popped up and as I scrolled down I saw your link. This could not have come at a better time. It’s the everyday junk we let cloud our emotions and take over our focus that causes us to be blinded at the jewels in front of us…the innocent children that they are. Innocent, naive, curious and so eager to please. How it pains me to think I could ever damage their sense of self and like you said…have them fear me. That cringe I have seen and literally dropped me hard to my knees on a tile floor. It stopped there. And when it attempts to rare its ugly head I just have to rub my knees and remember that look.. Bottom line.. They are first. We choose to create these beautiful additions to our family and that choice isn’t to be taken lightly. I appreciate you sharing what has been such a burden of guilt for me. I know I’m not alone in feeling this at times but it doesn’t seem to make me “feel ” better or released, but it gives me hope for the mommy I pray to be.
Stella says
I have to say that having two sets of twins in three years turned me into a shell of myself – someone who does things I never thought I would do – chief among them, yelling – a lot. My 4 kids are now almost 8 and 5 and you have given me the inspiration to know that it is never too late to change into the person you want to be and should be. A kinder gentler more patient version of myself. Thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Stella, your message is powerful and inspiring. I know many of us can relate to your description of being a “shell of myself.” I am grateful you found inspiration in my message and hope I can continue to support and encourage you. Please keep me posted. I am here if you need support.
Anika says
I so needed to read this. I have 8, 2.5, 2.5 year olds and a 10 month old and It’s not so much trying to do it all, it’s trying to get what is needed done! The 2.5 year olds are into everything and seem to defy all childproofing I do, my 8 year old just provokes them causing more conflict. I just get so frustrated!
SHerri says
I also have twins. They just turned 4 and I have two older children ages 11 and 12. I also am a yeller and I hate myself for it. I am swamped with owning my own business, I am swamped with my husband’s own business, I am swamped with emails and phone calls and ….sometimes the stress of it all overwhelms me and I just want to run away. This simple post has made me want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife.
Jamie says
I never was a “yeller” until I had my twins (#4 & #5 of our 5 children) I do not like that I yell now & this blog post spoke right to me. The times I do yell is when I am over committed or having a deadline(needing to get somewhere on time).
sophia says
yup, twin boys here who just turned 3 and a 19m old who thinks she’s 3 too. challenging times and situations. thought provoking and encouraging words today. thank you!
Maureen says
I started yelling with the appearance of twins too. I see a theme developing here!
I made a conscious effort to stop when a comment my 10-year-old made stopped me in my tracks. We had been joking around with a group of his friends, and I revealed to them that he sings in the shower. I thought it was no big deal, but my son was embarrassed to the point of tears. On our ride home he would not speak to me, despite me apologizing over and over. After a few minutes, he said, “How would you like it if I revealed something about you? Like how you are constantly screaming at us! What if everyone knew about how crazy you are? How would you feel?” It was a punch in the gut: I realized that my yelling at the twins was taking its toll on him, and on everyone in our family. I have mostly stopped yelling, and when the urge gets to be too much, I enter a room, close the door and punch a few pillows. As a result, my kids are happy little guys and I feel much less depressed than I did before.
Jennifer says
Thank you for that I am a compulsive yeller I fill so horribly bad about yelling at my girls they are 6 but I just always snap 1st then fill terrible after my girls have had serious medical issues which has stressed me out to the end but I have also let them have and do anything they wanted this post is really what i needed I hate the yelling imbecile I am! I feel a little relief im not the only one that freaks on their kids for the littlest thing and I have to admit my girls run from me and cry or hide when they know I am going to freak out and it just devastates my heart to be so mean to 2 little Angles meant for me to protect and love! I promise my self to stop, think and breath. Your post is helping me wake up Thank You!
Claire says
One suggestion I have for you, Jennifer. The first step I see for you is to start thinking and speaking positively about yourself. You are valuable and have many good qualities. I know this because God made you. We need to love ourselves before we can truly love another they way we are meant to. As you begin to believe positive things about yourself, you will win in your battle over yelling at your children.
kelly says
i am with you. my second set of twins are 9 weeks and the others are 3 1/2, along with a 7 and 1o year old. Nobody who hasnt walked this road can understand the degree of stress and the amount of work involved. the joy is incredible but yes,yelling occurs. i am not saying that i am happy about it, but our situation is FAR different than someone with two kids several years apart. i know that i am doing the very best i can.
kat says
Thank you so much. This was a beautiful post and so important to me and probably many others. Thank you for sharing.
Nancy says
I too was a yeller, out of sheer desperation when my son developed some bad habits. I still can’t quite forgive myself, but every day that there is no yelling in our house I feel a little bit of healing. Thanks for writing this out so eloquently. Together, we can all be better parents and have better relationships with our wonderful kiddos.
Katie says
I love that Nancy “every day that there is no yelling in our house I feel a little bit of healing.” Thankyou I will keep these words in my head.
Ann says
I will also, how wonderful to think of healing.
Maggie says
I grew up in a house that had at least one parent with some very regrettable behaviors. However, when I was 13 there was a huge behavior change. And what I remember now (that I’m a mom myself) is NOT the “bad” behaviors and pain and confusion as much as the CHANGE and how extraordinary it was. And what a difference it made in my life. THAT is my impression of my childhood. So forgive yourself. Your kids already have.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Beautiful, Maggie. Thank you so much for this.
Patricia says
Reading all these comments are so beautiful and so easy to relate to all of them. I have to say that from the moment I read your post Rachel, I can’t hold back the tears. With four under the age of 6, owner of two businesses, and the normal constant household jobs….things make me a bit crazy! I have never had a short fuse until recently and I can’t tell how bad I feel about the frustrating feelings I have because I can’t get it all done anymore…and I know I am squandering away so many little moments of my precious children’s childhoods, trying to accomplish a zillion things. Thank you to all of you for your courage to admit your faults and the strength to know that we can all achieve change. This post came at the perfect time. 🙂
Tammy Niles says
Thank you for posting this. I am a yeller and find myself crying late at night when they are all in bed because the guilt I feel. I am a very good loving mother that gives all my attention to them, but can’t seem to not yell when I get really upset. I was not brought up in a yelling family, so why am I like that. I feel terrible for the children when seeing other parents yelling at them. I am so happy I found this Site. Thank you
Julie says
Forgiving yourself for mistakes you made as a parent is VERY hard to do. Articles like this bring up a feeling of hope that you can change and a feeling of guilt that you didn’t change sooner. FB internet and social media are a mixed blessing. Without them there are few resources to help parents change with them parents are distracted and stressed….C.S. Lewis said “everything in moderation” I don’t think yelling is on that list but activities, social media, obligations etx definitely are….I pray all the time that my mistakes… the holes I put in my kids hearts….because of poor parenting skills and poor coping choices are healed by God. I also apologize and make an effort to communicate differently with my kids today. All I can do…..forgiving self is the hardest….living with the regret and the distance is horrible probably not as horrible as the scars and the pain causeed by yelling but horrible nonethe less. Yelling hurts everyone.
Dayna Baldwin says
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I have been a yeller and am starting to quit and change. It is hard. I really appreciate you sharing this. I have so many of the same feelings you do. I cried reading this. This is me. I really needed this.
Kim says
Thank you all for sharing and be so honest, there are days that I feel like the worst mother ever, I never yell, but it comes so easily with my children, almost automatic… I expect too much from then and give to little back … I am praying for strength to do this and for it not to be too late.
Jennifer says
This is me & I cried reading this, knowing I can’t stand what I have turned into over the years…. Thank you for sharing your story, I will start trying harder to be a better mom and a happier person everyday 🙂
Shannon says
My sentiments completely! I’ve been wanting, trying to change! I dispise yelling and don’t want to develop my Mom’s bad habits. I hope I’m not too late, because I want the relationship you have with your girls, but with my boys. I hope your posts will help give me the strength to stop!
Christine says
What you just said relates to me. I have slowly been changing my life. This just hit home that I need to keep it up and not let the little things bother me so much. Kids are the most precious things and usually the best thing that ever happen to us. I love my children dearly and never want to lose that.
Autumn says
Oh I was a yeller! Until one day when I had a moment much like yours…I don’t even remember (because it was such a minor little nothing) now what led up to it, but I do remember my daughter’s little face and her begging apology and her promising to do better. I made a promise to myself and more importantly to my girls that day…I WILL do better! I WON’T yell and holler and stomp my foot anymore! I did get better about it, we still had moments and still do but there’s always an apology (be it me or them). My girls have grown into beautiful young women with hopes and dreams for their futures. One of these days when they have babies I will not only share with them my experiences but yours as well…thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Carrie says
Thank you for sharing this! I have been struggling with this and this is what I needed to hear, reassurance that I haven’t already messed up to the point of it being unfixable. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. It gives me hope that I can change and that in changing myself, I can change my children too.
Rebecca Freeman says
Every morning, I read your posts, and every day I am inspired by what you share – it opens my eyes to my own actions and gives me encouragement to make the important little changes that shape my kids. I know I’m a yeller. I have a two boys – a three-year old and an almost two year old. And lately, whenever my three year old is frustrated or angry, he just screams. Screams at me. Screams at my husband – screams at his brother. And I don’t want him to cope in that manner like I have for so long. Thank you for having the courage to share- both the difficult situation and the solution that has worked for you. You have no idea how insightful and helpful you are 🙂 This is a beautiful piece.
Cat says
I can really relate to your story. I also have two boys with 3.5 and 1.5 years and sometimes I don’t know what to do other than yelling – and that makes me feel bad. The big one doesn’t listen at all and that is really hard for me. Additionally, he hits and hurts the little one and i have no idea whatsoever to stop this.
It would be great if parenting were easy, wouldn’t you think?! 😉
Jo says
A really good alternative for you might be a trick I learned from my late sister, who was a teacher by vocation in every sense of the word…..silence followed by whispering. She would go completely still, and then resume talking very very quietly…almost, if not a whisper. It would take them by surprise,totally, and they got the message that she was in control and had something important to say,and for them to hear.
Liz says
Jo – thank you for sharing your late sisters whispering trick – I think that’s a fabulous idea and I’m going to try this out too. My 2 1/2 yr old can be a yeller and sometimes I find it hard to get him to lower his voice but I have noticed if I whisper he whispers too. So, it could definitely be used in different situations. 🙂
Julie says
I can’t even begin to thank you for this post. Because of reading this, I found that I can forgive myself for my breakdowns of yelling and that it isn’t too late. I am thankful that I realized this several months ago and as I have been making changes myself I couldn’t help but wonder if it was too late to repair my yelling damage. It’s not too late…thank you 100 times over for sharing this journey.
Dr. Josh Misner says
Thank you for this wonderful reminder. Allow me to leave one of my favorite quotes on handling anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh:
“When we embrace anger and take good care of our anger, we obtain relief. We can look deeply into it and gain many insights. One of the first insights may be that the seed of anger in us has grown too big, and is the main cause of our misery. As we begin to see this reality, we realize that the other person, whom our anger is directed at, is only a secondary cause. The other person is not the real cause of our anger.”
Johanna says
Thank you so much for this. As I type with tears rolling down my face, I see myself in your every word. These precious spirits were gifted to us and sometimes we mess it up, but the beauty of their forgiveness is so touching. I will be forever grateful to know i am not alone. I have felt the edge coming back in my words, its time to look at my life and reorganize. THANK YOU!
Hollie says
I am so glad I came across this post. Over the past few years, I have become a yeller – and I hate it. I have a background in ECE and I know better…I know how I should speak to my children…but like you said, it’s life’s distractions. This is not the parent that I want to be – I need to take a hard look at how I react to things and react instead in a more patient and kind way.
Thank you!!!!!
Korinthia Klein says
This is really wonderfully said. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your children are lucky to have you. (And I hope your new rewrites are even better than the first.)
Erin says
I’m just sitting here bawling. I have been following your blog on facebook and getting all of your updates for a long time but never clicking on anything to read it. I always just see Hands Free and I keep scrolling because I already feel so much conviction in the areas that you address and I know I need change in my life but feel so overwhelmed. My life is always full of so much change, you know? I don’t want more change. Even though this would be good change and bring peace and freedom to both me and my family. When I saw this title I knew I had to open and read. Wow am I glad I did.
Thank you so much. From the bottom of my messy and broken heart. Thank you for being open and honest and valnurable. Thank you for knowing that other moms, other great and wonderful and loving moms fell in to the yelling trap.
I’ve never been a yeller. Never. Not growing up. Not in relationships. Not with my children….. until 11 months ago. We had a baby who didn’t sleep. Screamed and screamed. Painfully nursed. Didn’t sleep. Couldn’t be comforted. No sleep. And little by little I turned in to a constant grouch. Yelling at all the silly things you mentioned. All the innocent accidents from a sweet little toddler who I could not love anymore than I already do.
I hate myself in those moments. I do not know myself in those moments. And I have started to see the fear in his eyes. Just when I gasp for air, he falls to the ground or runs away, absolutely fearful of his mama.
A little boy who used to have the sweetest and most content personality has become an angry and outburst consumed little one. And I know why. Because that’s the example I have set. And I feel as though it’s all ruined and it’s all over. The mistakes I have made this year out of my exhaustion have forever ruined him. All the wonderful decisions and the wonderful mom I used to be has no bearing on him now.
But you’re right. You are so right.
Children are so forgiving when they see we are changing. And I needed this today. I needed your words. I am committing to stop yelling. I am going to do whatever it takes to actively love and take care of these babes in the way that I know I can and the I want to. Because they’re worth it. And I’m worth it.
Karen Parker says
I found the story very beneficial as well but I have to say that your story was just as moving. I wish you all the best & based solely on your heart felt response, I feel certain you will be the mother & person you know you can be.
Elizabeth says
I agree.
Tanya Dayman says
I fear the same thing Erin,
Have I created this angry boy who always shouts his responses and deals with every situation by shouting and upsetting the whole family?
We are their example – my boy has 8 years of my example, can that be undone?
Elizabeth says
I believe it can be done (or undone). He will probably not show change for many months after you make your changes. Perhaps he will even rage against your changes and test your boundaries and limits even further. If you can manage your emotions through this sure to be difficult transition, you will see positive changes in him.
Rather not say says
Tanya,
I want to cry!!! My son just turned 8 and I feel the exact same way as you do!!!
He can be the sweetest, caring thoughtful little boy….BUT…when he is mad, he is MAD!!!! Very bad anger issues and I don’t know how to help him.
Liz says
Erin, I swear, it’s not too late. I have been a yeller, and even a spanker in the past. I knew this wasn’t how I was meant to parent, not the way God would have me treat His children, but it took a lot of searching, soul and otherwise, to figure out how to change things, how to turn away from losing my cool and instead to feel and act differently. My oldest (now 6) used to be angry a lot, to be defiant, to hit when he got frustrated, to be guarded emotionally with me, and other signs he was injured by what I did. I always tried to make up for becoming angry with apologizing and being affectionate, and I’m sure that helped some, but it was clear to me it wasn’t making up for the hurt I caused when I lost my temper.
I wanted to change, but I couldn’t really get away from my habit until I had a change of heart. I realized I had let myself be distracted by other things, many of them my own interests and priorities (thanks, Rachel, for keying in on distraction!), and I had not been treating my kids as equals to me–equals in worth and in value, beings who cannot thrive without a steady diet of patience, tenderness, and attentive love. They deserved to be my primary focus and occupation (rather than being distracted by house cleaning! I mean, really, self!), to have my full attention whenever they needed it, to be regarded with kindness and affection, even when they were misbehaving and needed to be corrected.
I knew I had to change, and I couldn’t wait for my kids to change before I changed myself. I had to love them and be tender and patient with them even when they were still ignoring me, yelling at me, hitting & fighting with each other, and doing the thousands of incidental little things kids (and adults) do that can be frustrating or irritating.
It’s been about a year since I started focusing on changing this, and the relationships in our family have improved remarkably. It took a little while before my kids responded, and though it took my oldest the longest to respond (about a month), he did. His eyes are brighter, he’s more happy, affectionate, and eager and shares his feelings/ideas readily, he yells and ignores much less often, and we can talk about mistakes or difficulties and find solutions we can agree to together. It’s not perfect, of course, because we aren’t, but it’s good. It’s way better than the past.
Your mistakes with your son haven’t ruined him forever, I promise. You can do it. Your son loves you and together you can create something much better. Good luck.
Megan says
Thank you – I know that is something that has been said a lot in response to this post. I am in tears right now as I am a yeller and wish I would stop. I don’t know how it would be possible, but I am sure it is. I see my kids doing it (3 & 5) and I just see myself in them and it breaks my heart. These posts give me hope even though I feel it is a lost battle with me. Once again, Thank you…
Meg
Angela says
I have never been a yeller either – until several years ago. My husband told me some time ago, “You’re not the woman I married”, and that hit home, but I felt powerless to change. I would purpose in my heart that I wouldn’t yell anymore, and I’d do better for awhile, but the next up-tight situation, and I’d find myself yelling again. I hated it. I knew better. But, I just felt I couldn’t change. Then, I purposed that every time I failed, I’d apologize to my child, and change my tone of voice, as soon as I realized I’d failed, and that has helped, but I haven’t yet been able to get complete victory. I so appreciated your post – I felt that it could have been me writing it. Most of the things that were mentioned (phone time, etc.) could be triggers for me, as well. I’m encouraged to keep trying – to keep paring down the demands on my time, and taking time to just enjoy my children – and looking forward to the positive changes it will bring to their/our lives. Thanks for sharing.
Mamma Bean says
Interesting to read this today, of all days. I have a 1 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old who will start school in September. I have finally decided to step back a little from my teaching job, which I LOVE, and become the mom I want to be for my kids, my husband and myself. It is a really difficult decision as it means I have to leave my classroom likely- if my partial leave is even granted. I, too, had a hard lesson on the pitfalls of trying to ‘do it all’. Most off all, I want to build bridges between my husband and children instead of burn them. Having lost my own mother while pregnant with my first child, I now realize that not a day should go by without saying what you mean and being who you ARE-not who others think you should be.
Thanks again, you will never know how deeply this touch me personally.
shanna says
I feel like this is your most beautiful post yet. To witness your child repeating the very caring and sympathetic words you’ve used over and over on them, must give you such happiness. You’ve taught them how to live and love. Thank you for sharing those moments with all of us.
Michelle says
Your posts always inspire me! I share them frequently on FB. Thank you for sharing your journey! As a Mom of a 3 and 5 year old, who also struggles with yelling and being too “plugged in”, I can certainly relate and appreciate your motivating words. Hopefully in 2 1/2 years, I too will find myself a greatly improved Mommy. One day at a time…
Karla says
I am a yeller. What did you do to remind yourself to be calm in the midst of the yell that wants to come out? Sometimes I feel so lost in this. I don’t want to yell either and some days are better then others, but honest to God sometimes I feel like I pray to stay calm and it’s like Satan is listening and finds ways to make the yelling burst forth. I know God is listening, but in that moment the anger grabs me and I yell. How did you keep your heart, your words calm, when the yell wanted out? Thanks for sharing this story – this is the mom I want to be for my kids, the calm mom not the yeller.
Marianne says
I have the same question.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
My ability to better control my anger changed when I started thinking of my harmful words hitting my children like a car colliding with an object and causing irreparable damage, i.e.; “The Moment of Impact.” This is a portion of what I once wrote:
“And I can sense when a collision is coming. When sibling bickering, messy bedroom floors, and bad attitudes are about to collide with my foul mood, my sleep-deprived state of mind, or my threadbare patience. And when those factors intersect, that moment of impact cannot be undone.
So just like a driver who is anticipating a damaging collision with another vehicle, I let off the gas … I pull back … I pause to avoid permanent damage.
In those moments when I am about to yell or explode, I remain silent just long enough for the angry words to dissipate. I hold the words under my tongue for just a few moments until the moment is past. I have discovered that even a few seconds of pause can prevent tragic results.
The moment of impact …
Is there anything we wouldn’t do to prevent hurtful words spilling from our lips—leaving tender marks on those we love the most?
The moment of impact …
Is there anything we wouldn’t do to save ourselves from years of painful regret, remorse, and shame?
The moment of impact …
Sometimes it just takes a pause to avoid a collision.”
I hope that idea helps. I also try to look at their faces and remember they are children. They are children who learn by making mistakes. They are children who trust me to care for them and love them. And just taking that moment to look at them, really look at them, and even see them as babies again, I am able to grab some perspective. But most of all, just taking that PAUSE just long enough to THINK about what I am about to say, has changed by life and my children’s life.
Rachel Dowling says
So true. I call it giving myself a time out. The same way giving my three year old a time out gives my three year old a chance to calm down and collect himself and regroup, it gives me a chance to do so. Sometimes the Time Out is for both of us. It stops a situation from escalating.
Sandy Blackard says
Rachel,
This is going on my FB parenting page! Your story is my story!
I felt so helpless about my angry reactions to my daughters when they were little that I turned to a play therapist, Dr. Garry Landreth, who taught me skills that changed my life. I’ve been sharing them with parents and teachers ever since.
Just like you said, you stop and look at your children first, then take it one step further and describe what you see objectively. Hearing your own judgment-free observations gives you a new perspective that allows you to magically skip the anger, skip the regret and go straight to what works!
I wrote a short book on it and posted it online as a Flash flipping book for anyone to read. Simple as it is, it has won two awards. If you would like to share it with your readers, it’s here: http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book
As you said, changing our reactions to our children makes all the difference! It actually makes parenting fun and rewarding just as you have shown.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It shows that it is never too late to take charge of your life and your parenting!
me says
If you check out the orange rhino website mentioned in the article too, there are other ways to get “the angry” out. Like yell into a closet (go in there and shut the door) – I have done that – or yell into the toilet (haven’t tried that one yet). Go upstairs to yell, to get it away from them and to get it out for you and keep it away from your babies. 🙂
Thank you to everyone for sharing.
Nell says
I too, was a yeller. I am 82 yrs. old and I have only memories, sad memories of how I yelled at my children, when they were little. I now have fourteen great grandchildren and I am going to try to send this link to my grandchildren or at least recommend it. I wish I had had this to read and refer to when my children were growing up. It would have made a huge difference in my and their lives, perhaps.
Thank you, Rachel for writing this story.
Rachel Dowling says
Rachel, you have touched on something so raw and real. I had to stop a couple of times for tears. I have been there. I have also made changes within myself and watched my child go from saying “Why were you being mean to me?” to “You mean your not mad?” to constant and continual kisses and utterances of “I love you.” I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but I’ve been afraid to. Thank you for this courageous post!
tammy schrader says
Thank you!!!!!!
Karen C. says
For a while we were having a lot of yelling in our house – I was yelling, my husband was yelling, and as a result, our kids were yelling. At first I didn’t recognize the parental yelling. I just knew that my kids weren’t listening and so I “needed” to raise my voice for them to do what I needed them to do. I got in the pattern of yelling to demand respect and action and it wasn’t working.
My 9 year old has some challenges that we have been working on with psychologists and his school. When he would get frustrated or overwhelmed he would yell and that would lead to an escalation of negative behavior (sometimes even knocking over furniture). At home, it would get me frustrated and I got sucked right into the yelling vortex, which only made everything worse. Our psychologist recommended that we do a behavior chart for him where he would be rewarded for calming down quickly when upset and not yelling but instead relying on techniques to calm down or talk through his problems. The idea was that if we stop the yelling, then we don’t have the big tantrum melt downs. When we were thinking about setting up the chart, I heard my 5 year old also engaging in yelling and we decided to put both of them on the same reward system. Also, as we were reducing the general yelling noise in our home, I became more aware of when my husband or I yelled at the kids. I didn’t like it. At that moment my husband and I said we have to reduce our yelling to be better role models. We can’t ask the kids to do something that we aren’t doing ourselves. I have to say, the system is working. I have even overheard the boys playing, get upset and yell something to the other, but then calmly discuss ways to solve the problem. I consider that a win.
As for me, I am still working on being a more connected and less yelling parent. As a mom of 4 kids ranging in age from 11 months to 12 years, I often feel stretched and in rushing out to get to various activities, I still will raise my voice for everyone to get into the car. I still yell up to my 12 year old to set the table (nicely) rather than walking up the stairs and speaking with her face to face. I still when tired and ready to turn “off” will just tell my kids to “go to bed” or if I am trying to get through things in the afternoon I will tell my 5 year old to go find somewhere to play so I can just get a few more minutes before picking up the other kids. I know this. I am trying to change, but sometimes it just takes babysteps knowing that sometimes I may falter, but as I keep going, the good habits will become stronger.
Sarah says
tears….oh how this hits home this morning. Thank you so much for sharing
Marianne says
I really needed to hear these words this morning. Another day, same mistakes, same reaction to mistakes. And I hate myself for it. Thank you for diving into the root cause. I want to challenge myself to react in a more constructive, mature and loving way. I think this article will help me take the first steps in the right direction. They are far too precious to cause them sadness and fear.
Andy Owen says
I’m bookmarking this to read it daily. Thank you for the reminder. I needed it today more than you can imagine.
My friend posted it on her Facebook page and it just called out to me today.
Paige says
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing with us. Such a great reminder to everyone. I am guilty of yelling when I am overwhelmed/frustrated and then immediately hating myself for it. It just does not accomplish anything positive.
Shauna Lynn says
My friend shared this on Facebook and I’m glad she did. My baby sister is a BIG yeller. I’m going to send this to her, hopefully she will see the light 🙂
maggie says
thank you.
Katrina says
As a recovering yeller, I want to say thank you. A million times, thank you. XO
Alisha says
Thank you for this, beautifully written!!!
Ada De Hoyos says
I am deeply grateful to you for sharing this. I know It`ll change my life forever and most importantly, it`ll change my children`s life forever.
Anne McD says
Thank you so much for sharing this. For Mother’s Day, my ten year old son brought home a project he did for me, where he listed ten things he liked about me. The last space asked what he would change, and he wrote that he would change nothing. I realized later that wasn’t his original answer. When I looked closely, I noticed that he had written, then erased, “my mom yells a lot.”. You are so right, that much yelling is borne from being distracted from the sweet darlings in front of me. I regret to say that my little ones got past being scared of my yelling, and went on to apathy. I’ve been working on not yelling, but I need to treat it as the poison that it is.
Kobie says
Hello Rachel,
I honestly want to tell you “I love you”. You are my favourite part of the day. I love being reminded to live my hearts desire…to always offer my kids a soft place to land…thank you also for the visual of the rice…that was fantastic!!
Warmest
Kobie
Kaitlin says
I know so many of us needed this. Great post 🙂
Jenna says
I grew up in a house with a mom who yelled constanly. I vowed when my son was born I wouldn’t be that way. It is tough when that’s what you know. Unfortunatley, I am a yeller! I feel sad and ashamed of myself everytime I yell. I don’t want to be a yeller and your story has helped me see the light. I do need to stop the cycle I don’t want my children to think yelling is the way. Thank you so much for the inspiration. You have helped me to strive to be a better momma.
Jennifer says
Great post! I am reading “how to talk so your kids will listen … And listen so your kids will talk” and so much of how you act now seems like its taken right from this book. I am trying as well not to yell but man is it tough with a couple of 2 year olds!
ellen bondi says
Reading your blog this morning, I’m reminded of a recent writing class. After seeing the movie, “Silver Linings Playbook”, our class discussed silver linings….a great motivation for some interesting writing. I know losing the final chapters of your book was very frustrating, but because of that, you were able to write this beautiful reminder on your blog…..one silver lining. I’m thinking the second silver lining will be even better rewrites!
I am a Grandmother. You should know that your gift for writing is not only a blessing for Mamas, but Grandmothers too!
By the way, your Dad and I went to high school together….I’m looking forward to seeing him and meeting your Mother at our high school reunion this July.
Lisa says
Rachel,
Your posts always make me teary. It amazes me how the answers are always so simple, and yet living them takes such diligence and practice. Everything is a practice, isn’t it? But the payoff is big. Something tells me the second re-write of the last few chapters will be even better than the first time around 😉
Love,
Lisa
Heidi says
Rachel,
Your post couldn’t have come at a better time. It makes me want to sob. Most of the time, I am kind and gentle with my daughter but I am that exploding balloon of rage. I too have had the moment when I realized my daughter was afraid of me, and it broke my soul.
Over the past year, I have worked very hard to downsize my responsibilities and it has helped me remain more calm with her. I have gotten much better, but in the past month or so I’ve relapsed. We are in the process of a cross country move, job changes and a host of stressful external factors. This week, I have been filled with the same rage you describe and my yelling has increased.
Thank you for your brutal honesty that is a painful but welcome slap in the face. Thank you for reminding me that my daughter’s life, like mine, is turning upside down right now and that she needs extra love not more yelling. Thank you for reminding me that my daughter’s increased whining and sudden baby talk (at age 5 1/2) aren’t meant to annoy me but to get my attention. Thank you SO much for reminding me that my most important job is to be the calm in this storm that will pass. I’m printing your post so that I can reread it every time I feel that rage bubbling under the surface.
Amanda says
Dear Rachel,
I love you.
Thank you.
I needed this today… especially over the past few weeks. I’ve been home with our infant…. He is breastfed and I haven’t been away from him longer than 20 minutes since he was born 3 months ago. I love breastfeeding him and prefer to NOT leave him any time soon… But sometimes I do find myself cracking at the seams at my two older children, especially my teen. It hurts. And I feel like poo afterwards. It’s been more frequent just in the past few days, so I thank you for writing this.
I needed this.
xo Thanks for sharing your thoughts. They hold so much weight.
<3 Amanda*
erin says
I loved this post, definitely something I needed to hear… i struggle with this constantly and HATE myself afterwards… I hope you don’t mind if I pin this link to my parenting board on Pinterest… i need it as a reminder. If you would rather I didn’t please contact me at the address above
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Erin, thank you for sharing on your parenting board–please do! I am so touched and humbled by the response of this post. I had no idea it would resonate like this. What a beautiful thing when we can step forward into the light of realness and say to each other, “You are not alone.” I have always believed that when we show each other our scars, we love each other more. I may not be able to reply to everyone today, but I am reading and crying tears of joy for every single one of you. Thank you all for taking my hand and walking beside me on this challenging, but oh so rewarding journey to grasp what matters in life. I am grateful.
Karla says
I think I’ll “pin” it too.
Alisha says
This couldn’t have came at a better time! Like so many others that have replied to your words, I too have had one of “those” days only yesterday. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone on this journey and we are only human. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Dee says
BeaUtifully written!
Lenora says
I can not begin to say how this post touched me. I HATE myself when I yell. And I think but I’m not working outside the home, I’m not doing this, I’m not dong that, WHY do I yell?
Found a lot of it was due to problems with what I was eating. Gluten and artificial dyes/additives are NOT our friends for some of us! (have you heard of the feingold diet? LOVE IT, and LOVE not having so many problems because of gluten!) but there were other things. Like looking at how much a box of cereal cost when it was lost on the floor, or how much a toy cost that was purchased for a birthday and so promptly broken or parts lost.
And yes, I was WAY TOO caught up in what today’s world expected of a work at home, homeschooling mother. But I need to not look at what the world expects and look instead at what God wants. THERE is where we need to look, and in the eyes of our children! Even our adult children. Because it’s not too late for adult children to learn and change from seeing their mothers learn and change.
Thanks for this post!
Christi says
Just last night while lying with my older daughter, 9, in her bed before lights out she asked ‘Mom, are you sometimes annoyed by having kids?’ I was stunned and heartbroken by the question, but even more so by the fact that she would ever think I was annoyed to have either she or her sister in my life. They are my life. After asking her several questions to clarify the statement I came to realize that she was wondering why sometimes I become annoyed when she asks me to do things for her. You see, just before she asked that question, she asked me if I would take her pony tail holder out of her hair. I willingly did so, but without realizing it I let out a sigh in the moment. Though the sigh was just my fear of her wincing while the little hairs are pulled from her hair, she perceived the sigh as me being frustrated with her because she asked me to do something for her. Though she is 9 and I am trying to teach her some independence in her daily life, I was hurt by the fact that she felt every time I let out a sigh, it meant I was frustrated with her because she’s asking me to help her. In that moment I recalled moments when my younger daughter, 5, was too often asking me if I was mad at her in a moment where I was sighing. Thinking back I recalled these moments occur most often after work when I’m in the kitchen trying to prepare supper and she needs my attention. I do become frustrated in those situations because I feel the pressure to do both perfectly-provide a meal on time in the evening so that the rest of the evening stays on schedule AND pay attention to her needs.
This is not how I want my children to perceive me-the mother with the habitual cranky sigh…though this is not just a figment of their imagination, it is truly how I often feel. I focus too much on trying to be perfect in my daily life and be a perfect mother at the same time. I know that’s impossible…it’s not reality, but it’s something I strive for knowing it’s impossible to achieve.
So, thank you for this post. It reminds me that though I know better, I try almost daily to be perfect-which really only leads to frustration. I’m not frustrated with my children, I’m frustrated with my unrealistic perception that I can somehow do it all perfectly. The reality is, perfection is not obtainable, many times throughout my day I’m the mother with the cranky sigh, but now I’m aware of my imperfection in these moments and I can accept that being aware and trying to do better is as close to perfect as I can be.
Stacey says
Christi, I can so relate to the cranky sigh! Thank you for your insight. Though my 10-year-old daughter hasn’t voiced it, I’m sure she is thinking that I am mad at her and frustrated that she is asking me for help… when I could be accomplishing something on my neverending to-do list. I am going to take advantage of our time together this summer to put aside the idea of being perfect and feeling frustated if I don’t get everything checked off my list. I’ll count it a good day if there was no eye-rolling or cranky sighs – from either of us!
Marion Smith says
I was also a yeller. Actually, I was a screamer! One day as I stood ironing my then 10 year old daughter asked me a simple question (I don’t even remember what it was.) and I began screaming at her. Her sad little face struck me in mid-scream and I stopped. I said, “Honey, this isn’t about you! It’s me. Something is wrong and I have to go to the doctor and find out what it is. I don’t know why I keep screaming like this. It’s not your fault.” I made an appointment with a new OBGYN. The others said I was fine. I sat in my new OBGYN’s office and begged him, through my tears, to find out what was wrong with me and if he couldn’t figure it out to please send me to someone who could. He gave me the FSH test and discovered that I was in early menopause. In fact, he said I basically had NO hormones left! What a relief to finally know and receive some much needed hormone replacement therepy. I kept suggesting menopause to my previous OBGYNs but they kept saying I was too young. I was but apparently my body didn’t get the message! I felt so guilty about it all these years that I asked my now 36 year old daughter if she remembered it and she said, “Mom, I don’t remember that at all!” Thank God!
Jay says
I never realized how much of a yeller I was until a few days ago. My son did something completely silly – something that shouldn’t have gotten me upset, but due to a stressful day at work and with side projects and with mommy working a lot of hours and not being at home very often, I yelled at him. And I guess I’d been doing it pretty regularly, because he immediately put his hands to his ears and started crying.
He was afraid of me, and it broke me.
The day before he went on a two week trip to his grandparents out of town, I made the commitment that I wasn’t going to yell at him after reading this article and realizing that I was doing the exact same thing. http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html Needless to say, we had an incredible day together, and I felt like the dad I know I should be in my heart.
I’m with you on this journey, and I just signed up to start the Orange Rhino challenge when he and his mom get back from visiting his grandparents. Thank you for posting this – it’s something I intend to reference frequently as I try and be the dad I need to be.
David says
Just wanted to let you know that I stumbled upon this blog post via a friend’s share on Facebook. Not sure what made me click on that particular Facebook share …maybe it was something as simple as “why not” or maybe something else…not sure. But I will tell you this…I am a dad that loves his two girls (4 and 7) with every bit of his heart and soul. But I too have had those moments of shame that you described.
Thank you so much for sharing this story as I am sure it was hard to write. Your words and story impacted me today and I will be a better dad because of it…because I have been a yeller and just like you it’s because I am too busy. My mind is always racing with the millions of other things I have on my agenda for that day and days beyond. When I read your story – I saw myself…and I too will change. No more yelling.
Thanks again.
Jenny says
Thank you again for a beautiful,truthful post. 🙂 I feel as though you were writing about me. I too have consciously made an effort to stop yelling about a year ago. Our entire household as benefited from this and life is much lighter and less stressful,although I carry guilt still about my yelling temper tantrums in the past. My daughters are 4 and 6 now and our relationships are stronger and our bonds are magical now. <3 Like you mentioned,it is so nice to hear that other GREAT WONDERFUL Mothers have been through similar situations. I read your Facebook posts every morning with my coffee and it starts my day off with a positive and inspiring note. Thank you for your honesty. It keeps me honest with myself. Off to the park today with my blackberry tucked comfortably at the bottom of my bag. 🙂 Have a lovely day!
Vancouver Dad says
Thankyou for your honesty. I wish everyone could be as open about parenting as you have in this article. We hold onto a lot of guilt because of these things we find ourselves doing out of desperation. I yelled too much last year. Last year was a bad year. This year is much better. In a world where I wish Dads could break down and cry at a parent meeting because the kids have been “tough” this morning, your article has meant a lot to me. It is a giant relief to know that I/we are not alone in our struggles to be the “perfect” parent. Thankyou.
Terri says
your posts always make me cry! They are so real and it’s as if I can feel every emotion that wells up inside of you during each of these moments! Thanks for sharing.
Trish says
I just discovered your marvelous blog. I’ve made a commitment to be more conscientious how I come across to my kids AND to my spouse! He has been my “safe” one to let go on. I don’t shout. I know the sound of my voice makes him feel like I think he’s dumb or stupid for saying or doing whatever he just said or did. How ugly I am! I’m so focused on the kids that he’s not getting the affection (etc) he wants or needs. He’s my valued partner in raising loving kids…what example and role model am I? Your blog on yelling got me thinking. Hey, thank you! My husband and kids can wonder what happened, what got into me, and most likely will be hoping it will last. Me too.
Pam says
Rachel,
THIS is the post I’ve been waiting for you to write. It really shows a different side of you, but one that so many others can relate to…and it gives them hope and inspiration for a better connection with their kids. Beautiful!
Megan says
I stumbled across your blog a couple months ago and I’m so glad I did. Isn’t it the times in life we need it most that things suddenly pop up to help? This was really something. It truly touched me. I so desperately want to create a home that is safe and fun. Even if mistakes are made, I want my children to know that I will always love them and they can come to me for help, comfort, and counsel. Thank you for writing this. I know it must have been difficult to share but this was absolutely for me. Thank you =]
Grace says
Thank you for this, today. I am in a hard space at the moment– not liking parts of who and how I am right now– and I loved reading this amazing piece about forgiveness and growth .
Kris says
I am a grandma (who works FT) caring for my granddaughter. I love her so very much but my patience leaves much to be desired. I despise myself when I explode. I continually pray for help and forgiveness. I’m working hard to improve and your posts encourage me. I want my granddaughter to have more good things to remember about me than yellling. Thanks for sharing your life with all of us.
Connie says
Thank you for this honest and inspiring post. As I read it, I am thinking particularly of my son (4), whom I find I am harder on than my daughter (2). Until my daughter was born, I recall having patience with him and a much more positive perspective. Since my daughter was born though, I have become a yeller and, being the older of the two, he sees the majority of my frustration. Recently, my son asked me, “do you still love me?” after an incident where I yelled at him. It broke my heart. I suddenly realized what I was doing to my children by yelling and don’t know whether I will ever be able to forgive myself for causing him to question my love for him. Since then, I have focused on not yelling, trying to find more positive responses and ways to show my children that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally. This post comes at such an important time for me and I am inspired by your perspective and will use it to help me in my journey. Thank you for helping me to make everyday a Mother’s Day!
me says
Connie,
I felt and feel the same way, that I was a much better and patient parent to my son before I had my daughter. I like to think I delivered out all my patience with her!
Thank you for sharing. It has helped so much to hear that others are on this exact journey too and that we all want to do the best we can for our little ones.
Carly Sadri says
Sweet mama-wisdom. Thank you for taking the lead and encouraging us all to join. Your words bring awareness to my life in the places where I want to change.
Vanessa says
I so needed this today! Thank you. I have adopted a ‘no yelling’ policy too, and so far have been quite successful. Letting go of the small stuff is a daily struggle for me. My ‘OCD’ of having to maintain a clean house makes my struggle with ‘letting go’, somewhat of a challenge. Your article was just what I needed as a reminder that many moms go through the exact same thing and that I am not alone. Day by day reminders (such as yours) equals another day with a happier child who can go about her day being less than perfect…and that is perfectly okay!
sondra says
This is amazing. Thank you for writing this. Something I sure needed to hear because I have found myself in that situation and I am NOT proud of it. This is encouraging and I commend and respect you for posting this
Sam says
Keep writing.
I wish we had internet and blogs when my kids were young.
All of you, you are part of a huge change for the good.
I don’t know any of you, and you bring me to tears with sharing your truths, beginning the discussions, that spread like a wildfire of love, as you find solutions that take away the hurt, and leave us in a much better place on Earth. Good for us all. Thank you. Blessings on each of you and your precious families.
Natasha X says
Two years ago, my 4 yr old son told me “I love you, but I just don’t like when you yell at me”…that was Mother’s Day honest comment. After two years on the journey similar to yours, I got a booklet from my son on Mothers Day that says “One thing about mommy is that she loves me and her favorite thing to do is hugs and kisses”…I cried, of course. I know I am not perfect and still have plenty of room to improve but I think I turned the ship around as far as how they see me and what they receive from me now.
heather bell says
It’s all true. And congrats to you for looking at yourself and saying I want to be this way and being it. I have had those moments too. We are in the middle of a move. We moved last year this time and had a baby. I usually feel pretty good about patience and not being mad at my kids and taking a breath, but this morning was not one of them. So, although we are moving and things are crazy right now, it doesn’t give me the right to go off at my kids. I also wrote something last year about savoring a moment and it was right before we were moving. Maybe it can be of help to anyone.
http://bellesbazaar-heather.blogspot.com/2013/02/pause_12.html
Dominique St-Arnaud says
Thank you for this post!
Alissa says
Thank you.
I am a yeller. I have recently come to see how much that defines the way I parent. And your description about how distraction leads to yelling is spot on. When I’m distracted checking my messages or thinking about the “next thing,” I’m unable to take the time to truly engage my kids. Instead of talking to them eye to eye, I yell from another room. Is it any wonder that they don’t follow-through on whatever little task I’m requesting? And then I get frustrated that we’re behind schedule or whatever and the yelling cycle continues.
I’m working on it. All of it – less distraction, more engagement, more eye contact, less yelling.
And, I’m really seeing improvement. In myself and in my kids. I like myself much more this way and I know my kids do, too. Thank you Rachel!
Samantha says
Thank you so much. I needed to see this today. When I became a mother, I promised myself I would not be a yeller, but more and more lately, I find myself doing exactly that. Seeing the look on my daughter’s face this morning after raising my voice was heartbreaking. We were running late (not her fault, mine!), she was dawdling, and my lack of patience got the better of me. I yelled at this precious little person who just wanted to be like mama and find and wear her “jewelry” to daycare. Your post really puts life in perspective. I don’t want this to be how my daughter remembers her childhood!
Patrick Bertlein says
I appreciate your article, became a step-dad about six months ago. My step-kids mom got cancer, and I had to step in to help out.
This is not my first time living with a partner with children, but last time I was much younger and not mature enough. One thing that I felt while reading your article, was how to talk to children about how their actions may lead to frustration. I’m not talking about guilt and shame here, but responsibility. Of course, we like to believe that only we can make ourselves upset, but when we are stressed, in a rush, or trying to focus on work, the facts are at times what the child is doing is what leads to our frustration.
I believe that parenting is teamwork with the child, its trying to provide for them and be the best parent you can for them, providing a service. We also have our needs though, our lives outside of parenting, and things that have to get done. Teaching children that it helps US to avoid doing things that will make us frustrated or yell teaches them both responsibility and accountability. It allows them the opportunity to recognize how their actions impact other people, and what they can do to allow us all to live peacefully together. A family is a team that has to work together, and by being firm and expressing how we feel we teach children, above all, to be human.
Selina Hoover says
”Pause and look, really look into their eyes.” I was not taught or showed that as a child but I will model that as a Momma and wife…thanks Rachel!
Selina
Jeni says
This spoke to my heart at just the right time, a time of desperation. I’m pregnant with #2 and overall feel miserable, my son is 3 years old and so precious, but scared because of the same reasons you listed. I went to bed last night thinking of what a terrible mother I have turned out to be and how horrible it is that I’m bringing another child into this mess. I know I have too many distractions, amd I love my children with every ounce of my being, but yelling and then turning around to tell my son how much I love him is teaching him such confusing and conflicting things. I am going to strive to change, and have already committed myself to it. Thank you for this post and the timing of it, it hit home and means far more than you will know. Thank you for showing me that there is hope after all.
blessedbytwo says
Life changing…Thank you for sharing your some of your most private moments here…You have helped many people see the light and want to change…
Patricia says
I finished reading this with a tear in my eye.
I was a yeller until I quite having any refined sugar in my diet. It made me lose control. I am so much more balanced when I refrain from ingesting it.
I wish I had known about EFT tapping when my children were small. I am now using with my adults children to help heal the emotional hurts they sustained with me as their mother.
Here is a page that explains and teaches how to do it at no cost.
http://www.towards-happiness.com/emotional-freedom-techniques.html
Sarah says
Thank you for this post!! I have a two year old and lately I find myself getting frustrated with small things that mean nothing. Thanks for being so open!! I am striving to be hands free momma!!
Sharon Harding says
This is an important reminder -thank you. I particularly appreciated the four “The Important thing is” statements towards the end. I found this post about flowing with the stresses of raising children to be very helpful http://zenhabits.net/are-we-there-yet/
Tiffany says
I read that and cried. I saw myself in every example. I am trying so hard to make that change. Some days are easier than others. I just hope that as time goes on, I will have more easy days than hard days. Thanks for this post.
Stacy Snyder says
Thanks for the reminder, Rachel. Been dealing with same issue a lot myself recently. I’m ready to tackle it!
Stacey says
This was like a slap in the face to me. I was abused, verbally and physically, by my adoptive mom. My biggest fear about becoming a mom myself was turning into her. Thankfully, I have not. I do not beat my kids, I do not yell hateful things at them … but I do yell (I have, sadly, occasionally screamed t00). I have no reason to, really. My kids (almost five and two-and-a-half) are just being kids. They both have their own quirks — the oldest one repeats questions many many times, even after being given an answer and the youngest one freaks out if dirt gets on his hands — that drive me batty. In the older one’s case, he cannot help it; it’s part of his sensory issues, but I still want to yell at him to shut up. It drives me crazy.
I am doing better, but I have a long way to go. I have to realize that their telling me the same story for the fourth time that day (the older one wants to relate every single aspect of a story) is more important than checking on FB or reading a book. I have to realize that I am blessed that the older one, who was a delayed speaker, will actually sit and tell me stories. I have to realize that one day, the boys will be grown up, and they may not come to me for answers. I need to realize that there is nothing they can do that is worth yelling at them (although I WILL yell/scream at them if I see them about to do a dangerous thing if it’s the only way they will hear me). They are my blessings from God and I need to treat them that way, all the time.
Abigail says
A tip for the question asker, respond with, “You know the answer.” It instills a sense of pride that you, their Mum, know that they know and it means you don’t have to answer the question again. It’s very natural for them to repeatedly ask questions, it’s how they learn, explore, discover. They’re human sponges who are soaking up from you.
Well done for trying so hard to be a good Mum, despite the example you were given. Wanting to be is more than half the battle, I’m sure you’re doing a great job with God’s precious gift to you.
Paulina says
Gracias Rachael! I’m still wiping my tears for I can so recognize myself in every word you wrote. Thank you! Looking forward to reading your columns. I’m in that process myself and God knows I need encouragement!
Julie says
Thank you so much for sharing this! I started the Orange Rhino challenge 9 days ago (7 of 9 have been non-yelling days) thanks in part to people willing to post things such as this. I, too, look back in pain wondering how I could have said some of the things I’ve said to my precious children, now 5 and 7. And I’ve seen the fear in their eyes like you describe. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting your story out there, because it is so helpful to those of us who have the same struggle. I know the important thing is that I’m finally committed to this challenge and there has been progress. My husband said it was a much better week in the house. How terrible that I have had such a negative impact on the household, that not yelling for even the first 3 days made such a noticeable difference. Here’s to becoming the best non-yelling moms we can be. Goodbye perfection. Hello compassion.
Amber says
Thank you for sharing this. I am a yeller. I am working on being a better mommy to my 3 through prayer and patience and seeing things through a child’s eyes. Like you, I’ve seen that look of fear in my children’s eyes. I don’t ever want to see that again.
Rebecca says
This is such a good reminder that it is never to late to start again. I’m a yeller, not as often now that my kids are in school, but it’s not the kind of mom I hoped to be. On mothers day my 6 yr old brought home one of those fill in the blank stories about their mom. The line that made me want to change was: “What’s one thing your mom always says to you?” He wrote “Hurry up”. I know those sheets are suppose to be funny at the silly things kids say, but I felt ashamed because that’s the thing he’s most internalized so far, not I love you or something else positive. It’s good that you showed that it’s not just when there was chocolate on the counter that you worked at holding your cool, but also when something majorly frustrating and irreversible happened. Those are the ones I have a harder time with, and somehow justify to myself more, but I think they are the really important milestones. Good job!
Jenny says
Just want to say Thank You.
Laura says
Thank you for posting this. I really needed to hear it.
Jeanne says
Thank you for having the courage to share this. I am not a parent myself but, due to my sister-in-law’s unexpected passing about 7 months ago, I have become a very hands-on aunt to my brother’s 3 children (11, 9, 6) since all 4 of them moved into the house with me and my aging father. My once carefree, yet orderly (I am a self-proclaimed anal retentive control freak with OCD tendencies), life had been turned upside down by these heart-broken, amazing, yet at times frustrating children. I found myself, in my chaos and frustration, turning to yelling more often than I liked. As we’ve achieved a better balance in the topsy-turvy household, and as I’ve started letting go of perfection, it’s gotten better. But I’m going to work harder on not yelling, because I don’t want them to learn that behavior from me. Thank you again.
Gabrielle says
I love this, and I find it both encouraging and convicting at the same time. I can’t wait to share this with my blog readers.
Sarah Schwartz says
Wow. Thank you so so much for sharing your story! I am working very hard to not yell at my 2 year old when I lose my patience and your blog post & shared resources are such a huge encouragement! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who hits the steering wheel or wants to rage & yell sometimes. I thought I had something wrong with me! I am so grateful for your time in so thoughtfully sharing your lesson!.
Erica L. says
What an awesome post! It definitely made me do some thinking about how I need to step back and think before acting. Having a 2 1/2 year old can be stressful, but where would I be without her!?!?! Thank you for writing this, I really needed to read it.
Amie says
This post, that I just pulled up randomly on facebook, really touched me. As I was reading this, I saw myself completely… the way you use to be, is the way I am right now. I hate it that I lose control and yell. Ive seen the fear in my children… them knowing im about to yell. I hated it, I feel so guilty. I want to change. I need to for the sake of my children and myself. Reading your post is so encouraging for me. I just need to remember they are children and we all make mistakes. Thank yiu for posting this … its exactly what I needed!
Kate says
Yikes. This is really convicting. I have some work to do. Thanks.
Shannon says
I really needed this! Thank you for sharing! <3
Breaking the Cycle says
Thank you for your honest post. I am a yeller, and have always wished I wasn’t. I never knew where to begin learning not to yell, I am overwhelmed with learning to be a new “me”. This post has inspired me to learn to stop yelling, and for once, I feel like I can succeed. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your encouragement. My child and my husband will thank you!
Sara says
Thank you for writing this. I am crying after reading it because it really hits home. You are a success my friend and I will follow along right behind you. You have so much to be proud of and inspired by…..yourself. I know I need to work on the anger/yelling thing too. Our children are our most precious gift and I know I can’t afford to be anything to him but a loving, supportive mom — leading by the power of example of how to deal with life….
Jen says
A beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it. I am on the verge of becoming a yeller. As my daughter chooses to assert her independence, things take longer…much much longer…to do than before. It’s a learning process to let things go, to plan more time, and to constantly remind myself that she’s just a little child and is doing the right thing by learning to do things on her own. So thank you for your candor. It helps to know that other parents struggle to balance their wishes with their children’s actions.
Tiffanie says
I’m crying because I’m totally a yeller to my 3 year old. And this made me reflect that I’m a yeller because my parents were yellers. I grew up in an abundance of love that was unspoken. We rarely said “I love you” or hugged – but I knew they loved me. As an adult, I’ve told my Mom that I sometimes flinch when she swings her hand near me. It’s a reflex, I don’t even mean to flinch – I haven’t been spanked in quite some time, lol (I’m 29). I’ve noticed that when my daughter does something wrong, she immediately runs or crouches into a ball. But it didn’t bother me. Now I feel horrible. Thank you for this, I will start TODAY on no yelling. I’m going to try my best to make sure my baby knows that I love her too much for that.
Kelly says
I am embarrassed, mortally, to say that I am a huge yeller…your post is very inspiring to me to change my ways. I too “lose it” when my kids do something wrong and do see the fear in their eyes and regret it terribly afterwards. I am going to use your knowledge and try and be a better parent for myself and for my children. Yelling gets us nowhere except more frustrated and feeling exhausted afterwards. Thank you for this article.
Alyssa the Crunchy Mama says
Thank you sooo so much for writing this. It brought me to tears and I am taking it to heart and working on this immediately. I wrote a blog post about how you inspired me, and will hopefully be writing more about my challenge of fighting yelling if you care to read! <3
http://christiancrunchyattached.blogspot.com/2013/05/life-as-of-now-and-not-yelling.html
Kimberly Packard says
Thank you so much for writing this post. It gives me hope because in my effort not to yell I feel like I’m being walked all over by my two little ones some days. It gives me hope that it IS the right thing to do and that it will make a difference in the long run. Patience is not easy for me but I’m working on it.
Rachel says
I am so happy to see a post like this. I have no children yet, but I am a 21 year old daughter of a yeller & have a bitter relationship with my mother because of it. As a child, even something as trivial as spilling a glass of water warranted being yelled at, or at least a mean comment from her. As I grew older I was unable to create a bond with my mother that allowed me to confide in her because of the fear that I would be yelled at. In fact, I still get yelled at by her as an adult. This made events like my high school graduation, wedding, & transferring colleges very stressful & tense in that any mistake made on my part was amplified & was yelled about. PLEASE do not yell at your children. It only causes fear, & eventually, bitterness & will ruin your relationship with them as they get older.
Patricia says
I’m sorry you had those experiences. But not yelling is easier said than done. You’ll find that when you’re a parent.
I had oh so good intensions when my children were little but I still heard my mother coming out of my mouth. And my children would push my buttons because of my childhood experiences.
You may want to release the hurt that your mother inflicted on you before you have your own children then it will be easier to be the parent that you really want when you get to that stage.
I wish I had known about EFT tapping when I was younger. It’s a wonderful technique. Easy to learn and do. you can learn it here http://www.towards-happiness.com/emotional-freedom-techniques.html
Nina Alviar says
Thank you so much. I am sobbing with grief and also relief. I am not alone, you have the answer I have been searching for about WHY I fall back into yelling even though I have been working so hard at not yelling (and I will give myself kudos that the severity is SO much less) I still find myself crumpled in a guilt ridden heap once in a while because I did it to them again. I too need to scale back and focus on what is really important. I also appreciate your reassurance that it isn’t too late and the scars my earlier yelling may have left can heal (that keeps me up at night.)
Thank you again – now I have hope that I can actually be consistent in being a refuge for my children.
MaryPat says
Right before I clicked the link to read this, I had a huge yelling fit at my 9yr old! I have often felt as you describe…out of control screaming at the little people you should love the most. I wonder what is wrong with me, but reading this gives me hope that I can change, too! Thank you for sharing and I’m so glad I came across this post! Now, off to hug my baby!
Ana says
Thank you for posting this. For years I have felt such guilt for similar ways I reacted to my children when they were young. Running late and my son coming out of his bedroom with a head full of mousse and my reaction being anything but supportive. He was so proud of himself for fixing his own hair and I was so caught up in life outside of my children that I yelled at him as I was trying to wash the mousse out of his hair. I’m crying as I type this because that is a memory I will take to my grave. Who does that? What was the big deal if he went to pre-k with crunchy hair? I never did it again. I guess that was the lesson I had to learn; at my child’s expense. He was 4 when that happened, now 20 and we have a great relationship. I’m not saying I was perfect for either of my kids after that but I woke up every day telling myself to be the mom my kids deserve.
Tina says
It’s so inspiring to see this post. I am a yeller as well. It’s so heartbreaking to see them be afraid of you. I try to be better and it is still a work in progress. It breaks me when my 3 year old asks if I am angry. It hard raising kids on your own with your partner away at work and has other obligations. Thank you for being an inspiration.
Sean says
Thank you.
Molly says
Your post really hit home with me! When you described your daughter’s face, fearing your angry response, it brought me back to how I had that exact fear as a child and I’ve seen it in my 4 year old son. Yelling is something I struggle with, but I’ve been working really hard to change over the last year. I realized that my yelling not only caused pain to my kids, but my son was starting to yell too. All of a sudden it hit me that he was yelling because he was imitating my behavior, and I didn’t like what I saw. I was asking him to be more respectful and kind when I didn’t have the self-control to show the same courtesy.
I still have a long way to go, but reading your story reminds me how much is at stake if I don’t change the way I react when my kids make normal kid mistakes or poor choices. I want to give them grace, and inspire them to live that way with others. Thank you yet again for another beautiful, encouraging post!
Dianna says
I can’t even begin to tell you how moved I am by this post…it is beyond words! It was on a friend’s FB status…I haven’t been paying much attention to FB lately but today I scrolled through and I am SO thankful because I found your post/blog! Thank you for sharing your heart and your stories…today you made a difference in my life and I’m sure many others out there. Thank you!
Molly says
One thing I’ve found that helps both me and my children after a yelling episode is for me to apologize and ask their forgiveness. The wonderful thing about young children is that they easily extend forgiveness when asked. And I find that admitting my mistake helps heal the wound I just caused by yelling, and shows them that no one is perfect and it’s ok to admit mistakes.
Patricia Hope says
I so agree. I used to do that and my now grown daughter told me that she really appreciated that I did that.
You cannot take back the words you said but at least it goes some way to making amends.
Sandra says
This made me cry, and I appreciate it. I thought about my little 3 year old as she struggled to put up 3 fingers when I asked her (yelled) how old she was after she didn’t listen to me this morning. I should get up earlier and make the morning less stressful but instead I’m frustrated with a 3 year who wants to take a few minutes to splash in puddles.
Tiffany says
I’m about to break-down just reading this!! I was actually on the hunt today online for inspirational book on yelling.. I have 3 children a 6 yr old a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old. My husband is in the army and never home and I”m the stay at home parent and I yell all the time! and then I hate myself so much for doing it but I suppose it’s exhaustion and frustration. My 4 yr old (only girl) cries for EVERYTHING! I can be like go get your shoes and she will just be like I can’t find them sit on the floor and start crying and I just loose it. I have tried the counting to 10 take deep breaths method and i just explode! My husband has noticed that i yell alot to, he prefers not to even come home because of so much yelling and crying. I will for sure be looking into the orange rhino challange. Thank you so much!
Jen says
Mysterious ways….I sit here, silently sobbing, as I read your post, as I hit rock bottom with the yelling monster inside me just yesterday. Hoarse, I cried myself to sleep last night with feelings of self loathing and fear of tomorrow and curled up in a blanket of shame. I needed this post today, at the end of my rope with the magical, messy faced, sticky handed miracle that winds himself between my legs playing dinosaur vs. race car as we speak. I am not at the end of my rope with him, I’m at the end of screaming. This post, THIS POST of yours is exactly what I needed to confirm that. Mysterious ways, I tell ya. Thank you.
Tara says
Thank you for this story. I teared up as I read “She’s afraid of me”. I have 4 children, ages 4, 7, 7, and 9. Yes. Twins. BOYS. The oldest and the twins fight and argue ALL THE TIME and it drives me nuts! The youngest is a girl and they like to pick on her quite often. She’s tough. She fights back. The thing that’s most difficult for me, is when I tell them TO do something, or NOT to do something and they flat out ignore me. When I have to repeat myself 20 times. When that doesn’t work, I scream at them, and they go do it right away. I remind and ask them, “Do you want me to yell? then do it NOW please”. THem not listening is the thing I complain about the most. HOW do you NOT yell? I’ve tried corners, and everything else I can find online to let them know that what they’re doing isn’t acceptable. I TRY SO HARD every day, but a mother of 4, who has a husband who works opposite shift as me, I’m home with them every night alone, left to clean, cook dinner, help with homework, clean up, etc. AND I work FT and with drive time, am gone 50 hours a week, and dont’ forget working out in the morning before work. My plate is FULL, and I don’t expect perfection. I just want some form of peace. lol If you have any ideas on what do do instead of yelling when they’re screaming and fighting with each other ALL THE TIME. I need ear plugs!! lol
Thank you for your post- I know it’s not easy to announce that to the internet world. 😉
Molly says
It sounds like you’ve got so much going on! I don’t know if this is helpful or will work with your kids, Tara, but I can totally relate to you with kids fighting and ignoring what I say. My son (4) has been physically mean to my daughter (2) literally since the day we brought her home from the hospital. As a newborn, she’d be laying on the floor and he’d walk over and step on her, or scratch her face, drawing blood. Now that she’s older, he does different things but he still goes out of his way to hurt her, often completely unprovoked. Of course now, they argue with each other too. As far as the ignoring, I too was going nuts when he acted like I wasn’t even talking to him. All these things often drove me to yell (mostly at him) because they were happening non-stop and it really bothered me that he wouldn’t stop hurting my daughter.
I came to a point where I realized I didn’t want to be a yelling parent anymore because I hated it and feared my parents when they yelled at me. I still have a long way to go, but I wanted to share something that has helped his behavior. I know it will be different with your kids because they’re older, but hopefully you can tweak it to make it work. We had to find something to really motivate my son, and something he didn’t have to wait days/weeks for to see the reward. In his case, it is iPad time, which is something he doesn’t get very often. We have a jar that starts with 5 balls each morning and he earns or loses one based on how quickly he obeys me, or how nice/mean he is to his sister. Listening the first time I ask him to do something gets him a ball (this can be as simple as getting dressed or puting his coat on before we need to leave. If I ask a 2nd time, I warn him he’s about to lose a ball. By the 3rd time, I take one away, and he keeps losing them if he continues to refuse. If he offers to help or share a toy with his sister, I give him a ball. If he hits or or takes something away and ignores me when I tell him to give it back, he loses one. I don’t have to yell or repeat myself 20 times because the balls communicate the message for me. I tell him when I give/take one so his behavior has immediate consequences. At the end of each day, if he has 5+ balls, he gets 20 minutes of iPad time before bed. Less balls and he gets no iPad time all day. Not to say that I never yell anymore, but this has really helped. Another thing that helps me, although I know not everyone believes, is that I pray for God to help me yell less and be a better parent for my kids.
Colleen says
Thank you so much for all your inspiring posts but especially this one. It really hit home. Now if I can just figure out how to go more “hands free” and/or have the guts to make it happen! 🙂
Stacy M Garris says
Thank you! I deeply appreciate your transparency about a struggle that began to rear it’s all to familiar face in our home. As a survivor of severe physical & sexual abuse screaming & yelling was the norm for my now deceased father. It was his own personl demons within, that became our nightmare for decades. The Lord delivered me from this habit after I had my reflection moment as you can understand. I was unaware at first from where were these this overwhelming feelings of anger & frustration of emotions were coming from & my almost inability to stop this from ever happening again. Until I had a day as you described. I was becoming the nightmare i lived through to my children. Thank you dear one for sharing this unspoken truth that can bring shame. I yielded to the Lord and continue to do, so the old me remains in the past & I become the image of love & security my family deserves and I strive to be each & every day. Many blessings♥.
Lloyd Neale says
Rachel,
Wow! What a powerful writing piece my dear friend. This is definitely an example of how God can change the heart, soul and mind of a remarkable individual regardless of their journey in parenting. I teach a parenting class at my church every Tuesday evening and was delighted to share your story with 30+ parents last night. I must tell you there were so many with tears in their eyes as a read your story and I had to stop on numerous occasions to clear my throat. You provided a powerful evening of teaching & sharing where everyone made a pledge to God to help them be a “Rachel Parent” as one mother put it. You continue to be a blessing Rachel!
Laura says
This was a lovely story, so glad I took time to read it. I am not a screamer but I can see other ways I need to slow my life down and take time for what is important.
As an aside, my mom was a screamer, oh my she yelled and screamed at us all the time, me and my brother in particular. She’s very sorry now she did it. I’m 57 and I still suffer from PTSD because of being screamed at, as does my 42yro best friend.
Keep up the good work!
Kristin Taylor says
I’m a frequent yeller. And I don’t want to be. My husband and I have been talking much about this. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone and there is redemption and hope.
Kimberly says
Thank you for this post. I have been actively changing the way I deal with my son. My yelling was scary for him and made me feel guilty afterwards- especially when he would say ‘I’m really sorry mum that I made you angry’. This post is inspirational and will definitely help me on my road to recovery!
Dana B. says
Thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Thank you.
Ashley says
<3
I'm off to hug my 7 and 9 year old and take them out to play jump rope.
Thank you for your heart. And this inspired post.
Ashley
Julie says
Absolutely bawling. I needed to read this and I don’t even know how I got here. I have been struggling a great deal with this very thing. Today has been the worst – I feel like I’m losing my children because of the way I yell. I’m so overwhelmed. I feel like the worst parent in the world. I don’t know why I feel so angry all of the time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I shared it with my husband and will be doing some serious reflection.
Julie says
Thank you so much for this post. Makes me want to cry. I hate myself when I get into yelling mode. Kids get scared and my daughter says that I’m not nice anymore. I figure it’s my tone that I’m using that makes me mean 🙁 I will save this and check out the link that you mentioned.
Christi @ Away From The Oven says
Thank you for sharing such an incredible and insightful post. As we’ve just rounded our first year as “special needs” parents, a year that was also met with immense professional demands, the yelling has grown and grown. I want to print your post out and paper our house with it. Thank you so much.
Christina says
I really needed to read this today. I need to be reminded that the little things that my kids do…are just little things. I never wanted to be a yeller.
I still don’t want to be a yeller.
I will NOT be a yeller. (anymore!)
Definitely checking out those other sites you mentioned.
Thank you for posting this!
Darlene says
Thank you, so much.
Marie says
My mother yelled, a lot. She was a rager and I have spent most of my life focused on healing childhood traumas and the inevitable pain they cause down the line. This was powerful to read. Thank you.
Dee says
I’m crying because you have given me hope. Your children forgave you for who you used to be….and see who you are now. I thought all was lost…that damage was done and would always be. I can’t thank you enough for your honesty. You have truly touched my heart and have helped me. Bless you – Dee
amanda says
well, I needed this more than ever. As much as I wish with my whole heart it wasn’t so. I have an 18 month old and 6 month old. With that said, it can be hectic, loud, and no down time whatsoever. I just got frustrated trying to put them to sleep and have to stop myself from the urge to just scream! it breaks my heart to ever think I can get so flustered at these little precious lives. this post brought me right back to the mind frame I need to be in always. just thank you.
Eva says
Thank you!
I have struggled since having kids with “loosing it” and I am made to feel like I am a horrible parent and I feel like a horrible parent when I am yelling at them – I don’t want to do that. It isn’t who I am and it isn’t who I want to be.
Early last year, I started seeing a hypnotherapist – it was awesome! She helped me and gave me some techniques that I can use when things escalate. We still have our moments but things have been so much better. One of the main things is to know what your “rage trigger” is – mine is when I am really tired – I get oversensitive. So knowing that, I can organise that things are done before I hit the tiredness stage (usually in the afternoon) etc.
This is a great post and it really hit home! I want to be the mum that are there for my kids and that the kids feel they can come to for help.
Thanks Again! 🙂
Angie says
I wish I could say that no more yelling for me, but I know drawing that line in the sand is just a perfection marker that I will miss. I will continue to put myself in timeout, the bathroom, my room until I am calm. I will continue to seek forgiveness from them and myself and God every time I lose it! Even as I read this, I got overwhelmed with my kids just being kids. One day, I’ll look back and realize that I don’t yell that much, but until I can see it in hindsight, I’m going to keep trying and not making promises that I will never do that again.
Virginia Llorca says
I would be ashamed to tell you how old I was when I realized this on my own. Good post. Much needed. Thanks.
Amber says
Thank you for sharing such an inspiring post. You are so brave in admitting what many of us probably do as parents. I am a teller myself and feel like I have to live up to some kind of expectation and do everything. My husband reminds me that he doesn’t care if the house is untidy or things aren’t done, he reminds me that my main job, when I’m not working, is to look after the children. I sometimes forget this and feel my main priority is making sure the house looks ok and clothes are clean. You have given me hope that I can change and that its not too late. I should really do a behavior chart for myself (like I do for the kids) and reward myself for not yelling/flying off the handle after so many days. Thank you once again
Cindy says
Thank you so much for you words of wisdom, this was very hard to read. I am currently sleep deprived with a sick child so a little emotional right now. I am a mother of 3 and I yell every day at my 2 older children as they fight with each other all the time and they break things a lot. I know this about my self and I want to change, I try very hard and I Hate this part of myself. I want to be the mother than can talk to at any time of their life. Reading this was hard for me as I saw myself in you and I cried like I haven’t cried in months. My new goal is to go 30 days of no yelling..If I get there I will make it 6 months! Give me strength.
Hannah @ Boots & Feet says
I teared up when I read your recollection of seeing the fear in your daughter’s eyes. I remember the heart-in-my-throat terror I felt as a child (and into my young adulthood) whenever my dad was “in a mood.” I never, ever want my children (or any child, for that matter) to experience even an inkling of that fear. Thank you for sharing so bravely … and for doing the hard work of self-discipline and self-control.
Aline says
My ex-husband is a yeller. The yelling definitely contributed to the ex status. Yelling is emotionally costly. Great post!
Andrea says
Not sure how I found my way to this story but it is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for writing this and letting us “yellers” know that we are not alone and it is possible to change.
Amanda says
Thank you ever so much, these words are inspiring and I hope I can get on your track.
Angie says
Thank you so, so much. I have been trying, but reading your story helps that much more. Thanks again.
Kirstie says
I hate myself for yelling but I often feel like I can’t stop myself from doing it. I get so caught up in the emotion and getting it all out, but then I can’t always remember what caused it in the first place. I LOVE the idea of “the moment of impact” you mentioned above, Hands Free Mama. Yes I CAN pull back before I allow hurtful words to reach my beautiful boy. I have added that one to my notes from this post and underlined it!
But for me, I knew I also needed a constant tangible reminder. I tried painting my nails blue (thanks to Orange Rhino!), but the paint chipped off and so did my resolve. Then I stumbled across a company on the Awesomely Awake blog (yet another inspirational Mama) that makes silver bracelets with hand-stamped mantras. I don’t know your stance on mentioning business names on your blog, so I won’t do it (although it most definitely is not my business).
Anyway, after one particularly stressful day filled with those normal mishaps and typical kid issues you mentioned, I showed them to my husband and said “THIS is what I need for Mother’s Day”. He bought me two (bless him): “Live in the moment” and “Peace comes from within”. I have been wearing them every day, and the soft jingle jangle sound reminds me of the path I have chosen. It’s such a simple reminder, I love that sound :>. Of course it’s not easy, I still have my moments, but it’s only been a few weeks and I am in it for the long haul.
And then you wrote this post, Hand Free Mama. Thank you for the most perfect post at the most perfect time. I am well and truly in the midst of my breakthrough moment! I can do this. I can be the mum I want to be. I can be the mum my son deserves to have.
CZ says
Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability, and for pinpointing everything I know to be wrong with me, and the reminder that it is never too late to fix it.
I love my children. They are the reason I get up in the morning. Like all the other mothers commenting here, I hate myself when I yell, and step back later thinking I really don’t know that person, or want to know her. Life’s frustrations, distractions, financial stress…they all get in the way, factors contributing to hurting those we love the most. We need the reminders that we are not alone, that it hurts us, that we don’t need to hate ourselves because change IS possible. Thank you for providing hope and support. God bless you.
Michael Robinson says
Maybe if you hadn’t become so self-involved in the first place you wouldn’t have become that person. You should never over commit yourself and never, ever put your commitments above or before your children.
Mitzi says
Maybe a little grace is in order for someone who has already openly admitted and repented from said behavior, Michael. I’m not sure the point of your comment.
Charity Feb says
I call projection.
Candi says
10 mins ago I had never heard of you, never saw your blog, or your facebook page… 10 mins ago I didn’t know that my life was going to be changing. I’ve had inklings of it recently: laying in bed late at night after finally winding down from a long day or just living with my homeschooled 9yr old daughter (who hates doing lessons, and pretty much dislikes everything about her 3yr old sister) & my 3yr old little girl (who wants to know everything about the world and never wants to stop talking about it LOL) I’d realize how much I wish I could have taken back some moments of our day, how I wished I could just go crawl into their beds and hug them in the quiet… moments more and more when I realize I need to get off the dang computer, put away the projects, and just BE with my girls. Hearing my 3yr old say “in a minute” over and over and realizing she learned that from me, seeing my older daughter cringe or write me a “please don’t be mad at me” note when she does something she knows will make me angry. Tears will roll down my eyes in these late night moments and yet the next day repeats the errors in my way. Not anymore. I’m pledging to you, dear stranger who just hopefully changed mine and my daughters’ lives. Nothing is more important then my girls, so why do I give everything else more of my time and attention so often? I won’t any longer. Everything else can wait, because they won’t… they will continue to grow up, and to grow up influenced by my actions (or lack of) no matter what else happens.
Thank you. From the very bottom of my heart, for writing this article, and thank you to my FB friend for posting a link to it. It’ll take awhile, since I’m staying off the computer until my little angels are sleeping from now on, but I’ll be reading more on your blog and fb and know in my heart that right this minute our lives are changing. <3
Rachel Macy Stafford says
And I will be cheering you on, my friend. Baby steps. That is how I started. One small step at a time. Putting away the distractions, the pressures, the to-do’s for just 10 minutes to BE with my children and soak up their words and their expressions. And in that 10 minutes I would see so clearly what really mattered and I would find the strength to do it again and again until my distractions no longer had a grip on me. I wish my book was already published so I could share it with you. In it, I share my story of how I transformed my distracted life into one of meaningful connection and fulfillment. Until then, please keep coming back for encouragement anytime you need it. There is hope. You are not alone.
**To everyone who has commented here today by bravely sharing their own struggles and hopes for tomorrow, I am humbled and inspired by each one of you. There is so much hope here in this space tonight. The peaceful response is what we choose, and our lives and our children’s lives will reap the benefits of this choice. Tonight I go to bed with a hopeful heart because of you.
Marybeth Webb says
I don’t have children yet but I find I yell at my husband frequently because by the time I get home the stress of the day has gotten to me and he ends up getting the brunt of it. I did this to my parents when I lived at home and I did this to my best friend when I worked with her for 5 years. I have felt guilty about it for years but just couldn’t make myself stop in the moment. Lately, I have been evaluating my life and have been thinking about the way I think. Someone shared this blog on their Facebook and, like I said, I don’t have children, I clicked on the link. Sometimes, I really do believe we’re meant to do certain things and I believe I was meant to read your post. Thank you!
CZ says
And a special thank you, as well, to Erin. Your words could have been written for me. I am so scared of the damage I have done for the past 6 years of yelling(I believe it started when my youngest was 2). I want this change more than anything, so we can begin to heal. I want to have teenage daughters a few years from now who know they can come to me with trust, knowing I will not react in fear, anger or disappointment. Thank you everyone for your responses. The first step in this process is knowing how I am not alone.
R's Mom says
Thank you so much for posting this! I just talked to my doctor today and the first thing he asked is if I am stressed or depressed. And now I read your post! It really hit home and I definately need to disconnect myself from the phone and computer to truly enjoy this time with my toddler. Thank you so much again!
Darlena says
I have never seen you or heard of you before. I saw this linked on Facebook and clicked. I also never leave comments. Like never.
Thank you for writing this. It is very important.
Megan says
Thank you for writing this. I’m sitting here in tears realizing how much I yell at my son…my precious 2 year old. My husband is deployed and I never yelled before he left. I guess the stress of doing it all alone when I wasn’t used to it just got to me. I’ve got to change…I see the same look of fear when he does something he shouldn’t have. He knows how mad I can get and that I’m going to yell at him. Tomorrow is a new day though and a chance to change for the better. Thank you again for writing this, I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
sally leung says
thx for sharing
Susan Watson says
I thank you for sharing your story. I was raised by a mother who was a ‘yeller’ and physically abusive. It began with yelling, then ultimately became abusive.My siblings and I were terrified of her. It was misery never knowing which small incident would set her off. My sister, brother and I made a pack as children, to never repeat the cycle. I am 57 years old now. I raised my children without fear. My sister and brother did the same. No, it wasn’t easy. ‘ Time out’ and ‘grounded’ were two over used words in our home. But, I am happy to say that it worked. All three of my children are loving, nurturing and happy parents themselves. Please remember to say ‘ I love you’ as often as you possibly can. This phrase cannot be over used. Thanks again,
Susan
S. S. says
You are spot on!
K says
Thank you… I had a very similar childhood, and am glad to know it can be overcome so beautifully. 🙂
sarah says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I needed this and I want to change. This was inspirational. God bless you.
Jean Eve says
Thank you for being so open and honest and vulnerable with us all. You have given many the opportunity to face their own faults and be completely honest with themselves…and then given them all hope for change. I, too, was a yeller when my children were small. They say you parent as you were parented because that is what you know…and I was yelled at until the time I married and left home.
After a similar moment of revelation with my daughters, I decided to change my ways and started reading everything I could get my hands on about positive parenting. My relationships with my daughters are good now, but it took time for me to change and time for them to trust me again.
The worst of it is I see my oldest daughter making the same wrong choices and yelling too much at her children. She has told me repeatedly she doesn’t want to be as I was, and I try to step in and calm her down when she gets overwhelmed and begins the yelling. To her credit she has always thanked me for doing so, and I hope by helping her in this way, together we are breaking this cycle of emotional violence.
Again, thank you for being so transparent with your readers, You have done us all a service.
Ali S. says
As I sit here alone in my room, looking through Facebook and randomly fliping through the tv channels; I run across this posted on FB. I have to say that I believe God brought you to me today.
I have struggled with yelling my entire life. It’s not because I’m an angry person, it’s just because that is how I was raised. I know it may sound crazy, but I’ve never known of any other way to communicate. I often think “I have tried to break this vicious cycle”. I have always been too afraid to say anything to anyone, because I am so afraid for people to judge me.
I have to honestly say that I believe you have helped change my life today. I feel so blessed to have read your powerful snd encouraging words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I know that I can stop yelling, take it one day at a time and keep this article handy (in case of emergency). I WILL stop yelling and raise caring, compassionate children, starting today.
Bekah says
Thank you for this-it was awesome and just what I needed to hear.
Tess says
I grew up in a home where yelling and actually physical violence where common. Not just in our home but our neighbourhood. Mothers frequently would give a child a “clip around the ear-hole” as a corrective device. When I first came to north America I thought parents were weak and ridiculous, reasoning with their children. So yelling and physical punishment were part of my parenting. Until the day I saw the fear in my daughter’s eyes and something frozen in side broke. I never yelled or hit after that – not once. Not ever. I learned to control my temper and vowed never ever to make my children live or feel what had been my reality as a child. Because that is what I saw – myself afraid and shrunken. My best parenting has come from this raw place. My two daughters are genuine, compassionate and strong young women and as they are now young mothers I see their calm patience and joy as such a promise of how we can break cycles….. So -thank you for your words – graceful, beautiful honest and healing.
Rachael says
Wow. This is JUST what I needed to hear after 3 very rough days with my 5 kiddos but mostly after today. I had this moment a couple of times and I’d have to say that yelling doesn’t come close. So much chaos constantly and the fighting, and the whining, crying, fussing, not listening 24/7 I am absolutely 100% tapped out. My heart broke after my dinner time meltdown. Sometimes, and thankfully these moments are very rare and it takes days of frustration before my breaking point, it’s what it takes for them to know I mean business. My kids are such good sports. So not fair to them. Lots of stress being a part time single mom (I don’t know how you single moms and military wives do it!!!) and living in a house 500 times too small and my hands are tied. I look forward to tomorrow being a new day. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone!!!
Kim Flouhouse says
My aha moment came when my son was around 8 probably and he and I were arguing, as we did almost every day, and I yelled at him, “Why are you arguing with me?” He yelled back, “Because that’s what you taught me to do!” I replied, more calmly after being smacked in the face with reality, “You’re right and I’m tired of arguing, so I’m done with this conversation.” I turned and walked away. Since that day, about 2 years ago, he and I have worked on not arguing as much. Oh we still have our moments but life is much better now. His sister doesn’t say, “I hate it when you two fight!”, nearly as often as she used to.
Tara says
A friend shared this on Facebook today and I’m so glad she did. I am a rager. I, like you, feel like a horrible person as soon as the rant starts, but I can’t seem to stop. I will be using the resources you posted and praying that, I too, can fight the urge to rage. Prayers for you as well.
Thanfully,
Tara
Jo says
This made me cry. I lose it on a regular basis at my 11 year old daughter and it makes her cry.
With her its not so much making mistakes but not listening. I feel she’s at the age where she can be taking more responsibility as I’m giving her more options and freedom to do her own thing.
I try to give her choices rather than force her to do thing but I really take it personally when she is so ungrateful and doesn’t seem to realise what I am trying to do for her. She just focuses on the times I’m not letting her do what she wants.
I know she’s still young and teenage years will know doubt be worse but its my behaviour I need to manage more. How do I stop yelling? If it was a bowl of spilled cereal I could cope with that easier than these issues of not doing what I ask or taking all the time in the world to get ready when we need to go somewhere. Help please. I don’t want to be an angry mama.
S. S. says
When I read your comment, I thought of my boss, because she has an 11 year old daughter. While I can’t say how she copes with her daughter, she often gives me advice at work. The thing she always tells me when I feel I’m hitting road blocks, is “dig deeper” or “probe”. When you have a problem, break it down and figure out the root cause.
So, if the problem is that your daughter is taking too long to get ready, find out why. Is she struggling with image issues and can’t decide what to wear?, Is she stalling because she doesn’t want to go to the place you are going? Is she constantly forgetting where she put her left shoe, or her jacket etc? Once you know the root cause you can cope with that much easier.
If the problem is that you don’t feel she is listening to you, remember first of all that is your perception. She may be listening but not understanding you, just because you understand it, doesn’t mean she does. Just because it makes sense to you, doesn’t mean it makes sense to her. For example if you tell her to clean her room and she continues to leave it messy. You may understand that you are giving her more responsibility because she is getting more freedoms and needs to learn to be self reliant, but she sees it as, this is my room, I know where everything is, “whats the big deal”. The best advice I would give is to explain it to her the best that you can. For example you could say something like, in order for me to trust you with a later curfew/later bed time/wearing makeup/whatever, I need you to show me that you can be responsible for your own things. If you keep your room clean, picking up after yourself right away, it will be easier to keep clean, you will find things quicker and be ready on time, and you will show me that I can trust you.
Just a suggestion, take it or leave it. I hope that everything works out for the best with you and your daughter!
Stay strong, and remember to breathe.
The Mama Runs says
I struggle with yelling everyday, but I’ve learned to become better with my daughter. This post is hopeful and inspiring to me bc I can’t believe that it’s only been 2.5 years since you went Hands-Free and there is already so much more wisdom, understanding, changes in attitude and perception of life that comes with being hands-free.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this post, that we may all learn from it.
Mitzi says
You have been in my head, I just know it! My awareness of my own yelling came when I found my middle daughter weeping in the ladies bathroom at the church where I worked. Wrapping my arms around my then 5 year-old I asked what was wrong. Her answer? “Mommy, sometimes when you yell I feel like a horrible little girl.” I haven’t been perfect since then, but that memory has been very sobering. Thanks for your honesty and encouragement to young moms. Here in Texas we say, “Ya done good.”
Wenonah says
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I was a yeller when my oldest was young. I think part of it came out of my PPD, but it took one time when I saw myself through his eyes to realize that if I didn’t change, I would lose my little boy some day because how could he trust someone who yelled like I did.
Thankfully, I was able to change. It gets better all the time.
This post really means a lot to me because it is so hard to admit to having problems as a parent especially one as serious as a temper/yelling problem. I imagine that many don’t know where to go to get help, but knowing that there are other parents out there that struggle with the same thing means everything.
Thank you.
Robyn says
Wow. This hit so, so many chords for me. From my own childhood to raising kids now. Thank you for your courage to share. I’m going to pass this article to as many people as I can.
Steph says
Thank you. For weeks I’ve been trying to find the strength to follow The Orange Rhino’s example. Shamefully, I let my distractions take priority and simply found it easier to yell. I also fooled myself into thinking that my strong, bitter tone was ok because I wasn’t yelling. Your story is my tipping point- you helped me better understand how hurtful my frustrated tone can sound to my amazing 3y.o., and fearing the damage it could do to our relationship, I know I can’t make excuses for one day more. So, on behalf of my family and my future relationships with my daughters, thank you.
Melody says
Awesome! Thank you. Actually stopped in the middle of reading to go apologize to my almost-asleep precious daughter for some earlier not-so-kind words, an apology she graciously accepted with a final kiss goodnight.
Keep up the writing!
Jennifer says
Thank you for writing on this subject. It feels good to know that I am not alone – or that I am not the only one. For me, it was spot on – I could have written this myself. Today…is a new day and a fresh start! Thank you!
Suzanne says
Up until reading your article, I hadn’t realized the damage I was causing my daughter every time I yelled at her. I just realized that my reaction to her comes from feeling out of control and from dealing with anxiety and stress in a negative way. I love this little being that God entrusted me with; but I am hurting my baby girl when I yell at her. She is used to my yelling, she even thinks is normal. So I am teaching my child to cope with rage and anger by yelling.
Starting today, I am committed to not yell anymore. Her spirit is too precious to me. Most of all, I am so aware that when it comes to raising our children, we don’t get a do over. I want her to have a safe haven in me; to know that my love for her is bigger than anything wrong she may have done. After all, yelling should never be combined with discipline nor should it substitute it either. I will be more conscious and mindful of the way I speak to my child remembering that this little person is entitled to the same amount of respect that I would demand others treat me with. That should stop me from “abusing” my child with my yelling! Thank you for this post, It shook me to the core!
Mary says
I was moved to tears as I read your post. Like so many others, I saw myself. For me, it was my “old” self of about 12 years ago. We had just moved to a new state with our two young children. My husband was staring a business and I had just left the work force to be a stay at home mom, something that I had wanted to do since our first child was born.
But the idyllic world I had pictured was nothing like the reality my life had become. My husband was working long hours. I knew no one where we had moved and felt trapped at home with a one and five year old. I had become a yeller instead of the patient mom I had imagined. The mom I imagined was one who took her kids to the park, did art projects and baked cookies with them. I had the same self loathing that many others have felt, but felt so powerless to stop. Each day I would resolve not to yell and most days before breakfast was over, I had done it again.
I had left a job in health care which is part of what helped me to realize that my yelling was a sign of depression. My doctor told me, women are more often tearful, but yelling (and yes even rage) can be signs of depression. He said I probably had mild post partum depression that was exacerbated by the stress of the move and other changes going on in our lives. Never being a big fan of medication, I was reluctant to go on an anti-depressant, but I did because I knew I was not the parent I wanted to be. I didn’t want my children to grow up remembering their mother as a raging lunatic, which is what I so often felt like. It took several weeks before I began to feel like I had some control over my outbursts. It took more than that to repair my relationship with my children. But it was all worth it. My children are now 16 and 20. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them. They are kind, caring, bright, patient young adults whose company my husband and I enjoy immensely. They are great friends to each other, too.
I can look back at that time now with a much more light hearted perspective and I jokingly say that my children became much more well behaved when I went on anti-depressants. the memories of those days came flooding back as I read your post and am so grateful to be where I am today. For all of you who are in the midst of this, take heart, there is hope and it does get better. Thank you for the reminder of how far I have come.
Sonia says
I’m still crying after reading this tonight. My children are in bed after a couple hours of yelling at them for everything. My husband deployed for the 3rd time last Sept and it’s been a really hard deployment for us all. My children are 3 & 6 and don’t deserve the pain I’m causing them.
I started going to Love & Logic parenting classes right after my husband left. I’ve been through the class probably 15 times and while I agree with much of the Love & Logic principals, I have not been able to get myself under control enough to implement the tools. And so I continue to go, hoping that someday I can change. I hate what I’m doing to them. I have started seeing a therapist and we will start working through identifying and resolving some of my issues.
I never planned on being a mother, but I love my children very much. I’m hoping someday before it’s too late, I can show them, as well as my husband, that I can be a loving wife & mother, instead of what I am now.
Thank you for your story.
S. S. says
Knowledge is half the battle as they say. You have the desire to do better and that alone shows you that you can! Hang in there!
Kylie says
…… I thought it was just me…. 🙁
Allison @Mommy Had a Little Blog says
I am so inspired and moved by this, and many other posts here on your blog. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve taken that inspiration and applied it to my own blog, and linked you back.
You have touched my heart in such a profound way. I am better than what I’ve become. Thank you for helping me see that in time.
Niki says
Thank you, SO MUCH!!!! I’m going to stop yelling atmy sons starting NOW!!!
Tandy says
This is amazing! I learnt a lesson from a friend who was dying. She opened a bottle of fizzy water and it exploded – her reaction? “it’s only water”. I have used that with all the little things as they don’t count much, do they?
Martha says
I must say that as I’m typing this, I’m shaking as your post has described me to the T. After becoming a single parent of a 3 and 1 yr old now 4 and 2, I also became a yeller. I guess all the stress of becoming a single parent with no employment at the time, lead me to all the yelling and not being able to enjoy being around my kids anymore. Until I found your blog several months ago. I have decreased my phone and computer use grandiosely and not until they are in bed that I go about it. I thank you for that.
This morning I read a little of your post and couldn’t go on as my tears started running down my cheeks and I was in public. I have not yelled at my kids since this morning. You have made me realize that yes a little of milk or even an entire glass of milk spilled on the table (my 2 yr old) is not a big deal but an experience for them to learn. My 4 year old is terrified of me and I want to put a stop to it. I have put a stop to it since this morning. I thank you for that.
Tori says
Wow… every word in this post rang true for me. I, too, just recently realized that my kids are scared of my reactions. Thank you for writing it with such honesty!
Angela says
Great post! I am the mom of a 2 yrs old boy and I am noticing that I am starting to yell at him more as he grows since his naughtiness seems to increase daily…This reminded me that he is just learning, exploring and being a normal baby. He is very loving, gives kisses and hugs and I try to make him stop bothering me when I am busy but I also play with him fully disengaged from electronic equipment for stretches of time every day. The problem is he wants my full attention, all the time, not just in stretches. I have recently stopped working due to a military move and will stay home with him. He has been in a wonderful daycare for the first 2 yrs and has learned to behave wonderfully over there so I am scared that I will turn him into a little screamer if I continue to yell at him and will ultimately undo everything my daycare lady created: a wonderful naughty angel! My plan is to involve him into my daily activities, such as cooking, cleaning, gardening and just playing. I currently try to do as much electronic stuff when he naps/sleeps but it’s hard when it comes to phone calls, selling a house, moving an entire household by myself while hubby is deployed. Thank you for this encouraging post and for sharing all the stories about kids who grow up in yelling homes. I would hate for mine to turn out a yeller.
nikki marie says
a very true and honest post. thank you for your transparency.
Lucille Atillo says
Thank you, just what I needed.
Rhiannon says
I’m the child of a recovering yeller. My dad started his recovery process later than you, so I still remember being terrified and scared and wanting to run away whenever I did something wrong. As I was reading this, though, I began to appreciate so much more his improvement.
This year has been a tough one. I’m a teenager about to graduate high school. Often times I am so ready to leave and gain more independence and not be around my parents all the time. Recently, I got into my first minor car collision. It was just a little dent, but I was scared. Going home to my parents was the last thing I wanted to do.
When I got home, I saw my dad and began to cry apologetic tears. He hugged me and told me it was just a car and that it wasn’t a big deal.
I’m reflecting on that moment a lot right now, especially the fact that I wasn’t scared that he would yell. I was scared about the disappointment and the money, but not that I would be screamed at.
That reflection has really helped me to recognize how far my dad has come and I suddenly feel this huge rush of appreciation for him, his improvement and his unconditional love. Thank you so much.
Mitzi says
I had a similar experience with my Dad. Isn’t it great to see God’s grace at work in your parents? I don’t know that there has been any stronger influence in my life than seeing the change in my parents lives. Thanks for the reminder of how my “change” can impact my girls.
Gayathri Ramachandran says
In the first few paragraphs, i just saw myself in the text. It was extremely emotional and i started to cry reading this text. I have exactly a 3 year old and a 6 year old. My husband keeps travelling a lot and i am alone with the kids and most of the times takinbg my frustration out on them which i should never. I will try to leran to be calmer and more patient and try to let go of things.
Thanks for the wonderful post.
Jaime says
I feel convicted by this post. I imagine it speaks to almost every mother (or parent) of young children–evident by the overwhelming number of positive comments. Yelling is a tough thing to conquer. And honestly, as much as I have moments when I feel horrible for yelling, I don’t realistically see an end in sight. That sounds really bad. But I have 4 kids– 6 1/2 year-old, 5 year-old, 3 year-old, and 1-year old. I love them. I tell them hundreds of times in a day that I love them.
I have been a SAHM for 3 years now. When I worked (outside the home), I cherished every at-home moment with my kids and spoke only in soothing tones (as a recall, anyway). But being with them 24/7 is a game-changer. And as you can imagine, we have serious volume issues in our home–so many little voices, so much arguing, whining, pushing, poking, shouting, shrieking, running, jumping, etc. In times of unity and times of discord, it’s Always. Just. Loud.
I understand your point about yelling. But in this crazy season of life as parents of young (and very young) children, is it realistic to expect ourselves to keep it together, to keep our cool when our kids are louder than us, have more energy, and know exactly how to push our buttons (and in my case outnumber adults 2 to 1)? And my kids aren’t terrors either. They are relatively well-behaved, respectful, smart kids. But there are four of them, and 3/4 of them are at ages that demand constant need-meeting. It’s exhausting. Unavoidably exhausting. And exhaustion lends itself to short fuses.
I know that yelling is not an ideal response. But do you have any practical advice for a household where yelling feels necessary for each voice to be heard–parents and kids alike?
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Jamie,
I really appreciate your honesty. You bring up many good points about how incredibly difficult it is to remain calm under the circumstances you describe. My children are now 6 and 9, but I remember vividly how challenging those days were when they were young and I was sleep deprived. I am so glad you asked for practical advice. I will offer what I know and maybe others will add their thoughts. So many people commented about how they overcame their yelling so I know other people have great ideas too. These are not in any particular order:
1. My ability to better control my anger changed when I started thinking of my harmful words hitting my children like a car colliding with an object and causing irreparable damage, i.e.; “The Moment of Impact.” This is a portion of what I once wrote:
“And I can sense when a collision is coming. When sibling bickering, messy bedroom floors, and bad attitudes are about to collide with my foul mood, my sleep-deprived state of mind, or my threadbare patience. And when those factors intersect, that moment of impact cannot be undone.
So just like a driver who is anticipating a damaging collision with another vehicle, I let off the gas … I pull back … I pause to avoid permanent damage.
In those moments when I am about to yell or explode, I remain silent just long enough for the angry words to dissipate. I hold the words under my tongue for just a few moments until the moment is past. I have discovered that even a few seconds of pause can prevent tragic results.
2. In times of challenge, I try to look at their faces and remember they are children. They are children who learn by making mistakes. They are children who trust me to care for them and love them. And just taking that moment to look at them, really look at them, and even see them as babies again, I am able to grab some perspective. But most of all, just taking that PAUSE just long enough to THINK about what I am about to say, helps me choose a more calm response.
3. Realize we will make mistakes. Yes, there will be days when we yell. But I have learned it is powerful to say, “I am sorry I yelled. I didn’t handle my anger very well. Will you forgive me?” This teaches children we are human. We make mistakes, we admit them, learn from them, and try to do better. You might explain if there was something they were doing or not doing that contributed to your outburst. Such as, “Mommy asked you to — and when you don’t listen, it is very frustrating to Mommy. I am sorry I yelled, but you would help me by doing what I ask.” And when your children DO what you ask the first time, be sure and point that out. “I love how you listened when I said take your hands off your sister. Thank you. It makes me feel much better when I don’t yell.”
4. Inform your children what you are working on. I think that telling children, “I am trying not to yell. Here are the ways you can help me …” My children love it when I let them encourage me in my struggles. I did this when I was trying not to use my phone in the car. My children loved to encourage me and remind me of my goal.
5. This is an idea from Tonya at http://4littlefergusons.wordpress.com: “We implemented a Yell Jar 2 months ago for this very purpose. There is about $20 in the yell jar, I put in $ when I yell and the kids put money in too when they yell at a sibling.”
6. One of the commenters said this: “I knew I also needed a constant tangible reminder. I tried painting my nails blue (thanks to Orange Rhino!), but the paint chipped off and so did my resolve. Then I stumbled across a company on the Awesomely Awake blog (http://awesomelyawake.com) that makes silver bracelets with hand-stamped mantras. http://www.mymantraband.com. Anyway, after one particularly stressful day filled with those normal mishaps and typical kid issues you mentioned, I showed them to my husband and said “THIS is what I need for Mother’s Day”. He bought me two (bless him): “Live in the moment” and “Peace comes from within”. I have been wearing them every day, and the soft jingle jangle sound reminds me of the path I have chosen. It’s such a simple reminder, I love that sound :>. Of course it’s not easy, I still have my moments, but it’s only been a few weeks and I am in it for the long haul.”
7. I would recommend giving yourself grace as much as possible. Not beating yourself up when you do slip. Even if you can reduce the yelling, that is significant and your children will see that you are trying. This makes a difference. Yelling is often our first response. Try as much as you can to choose the second response. This piece will hopefully inspire you to celebrate the choices you are making to show up and do your best each day. https://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/07/today-i-lived-and-you-did-too/
Lastly, I taught children with behavior issues for 9 years. Those children could really push my buttons, but yet I never yelled at them. I was able to get them to do what was expected without yelling. I tried to focus on their positive actions as much as possible and praise them for all the good actions I saw. Of course, I know from experience, it is harder to be patient with our own children, but I know it is possible to be heard and listened to without yelling. Next week on my blog, I will be sharing a strategy that I use in my home that helps encourage my children to do what they are told (and lots of extra helping behaviors) without raising my voice. It will be next week’s post so I hope you will come back and read.
Thank you for reaching out and your willingness to explore other ways to react in times of frustration. That is really significant and says a lot about you. I wish you all the best.
PS Be sure to check out the Orange Rhino Challenge to curb yelling. http://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ I love her quote here: “I was just saying the other night how sometimes a little extra love really helps me to get my boys to listen. They like to feel loved and I love to give love. Sometimes it is hard to in the heat of the moment, but it is always easy to remember how great it felt to handle a tough situation with a little more love.” -The Orange Rhino
Rachel
S. S. says
When I started reading this I had no idea how it would affect me. It brought me to the verge of tears. My father was a yeller and incredibly verbally abusive. To this day I cringe when anyone yells for any reason. There was much, more than yelling, wrong with my father but I only now realized just how much the yelling affected me.
One person commented that they sometimes would have preferred being hit, than be yelled at and I know exactly how that feels. I developed anger issues and was not only a yeller but I would physically hurt myself to avoid hurting others when I was frustrated as a teenager. I over came these habits for the most part but I do still struggle with yelling. I am not a mother, but I am an aunt.
There was a time when it was mutually beneficial (in theory) to stay with my brother, his girlfriend and his 6 daughters, in a two bedroom apartment. I slept on the couch and had little to no privacy. This combined with working a stressful job and many other things built up the pressure to the breaking point and when my 2 year old niece, who was mighty inventive at that age, managed to get into some expensive items of mine and destroy them, it was too much. These were items I had put on a high up shelf that I could barely reach, behind a child safety gate. The first time I caught her getting into it I stopped her and fixed the child gate she had circumvented and told her parents, who were distracted with company, what she had done and that I was going for a walk (to calm down) and that they should keep an eye on her. When I came back 10 minutes later she had gotten past the gate again and had climbed her way back up to destroy my stuff again. Her parents were oblivious. I lost it, I screamed her name in a tone that was so very much not in character for me. I am usually very patient with children as I’ve been the babysitter and aunty and big sis etc for so long. I had never snapped like that, and seeing her little lip quiver and the fear in her eyes broke my heart but I was so angry. When her mother, rightfully, was upset that I had screamed at her child, saying “she is only two, its not her fault” I screamed back, “No its yours!” and then promptly hid in the kids bedroom alone crying because I felt I had become my father.
The fact that she is now 4 and she and her older sisters still remember that episode (and remind me of it), hurts me terribly. I moved out as it was obvious, for many other reasons not mentioned as well, that I needed to get out of their house.
I have in the past yelled at my boyfriend of 7 years as well when he pushes my buttons as only he can, and when he yells at me and I cower in fear like a little girl too I see that not only am I hurt by our yelling but so is he. He thinks that I truly fear him, and it hurts him, but really it is that yelling that remembering of my father yelling, that brings me back to being that scared little girl. So it is something we have both been working on.
I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be like my father was. I certainly don’t want my nieces or my future children to only remember me for those moments. There is no good reason to yell at or verbally abuse another person, especially a child and I will do my best to keep that in mind any time I ever feel that urge to burst out with verbal misconduct.
Thank you for sharing your experience and helping me on my own journey to be a better person.
Sheridan says
Thank you so much for this post. I’m sure there are many mums that don’t want to be “that” person! Sometimes juggling so much, tiredness, deadlines & frustration take over and we forget how our interactions can have a huge and lasting impact on the most precious people in our world. Being a mum of 2 young girls and juggling a practice, University lecturing and speaking engagements – I read your post and felt guilty and somewhat ashamed that I have snapped at my 5y/o out of frustration and expectation! I will and have already changed my tone/volume and my words are now much gentler since reading this. You are a rockstar and I appreciate your candor and honesty. This will make us better parents. Thank you xxxx
Maria Teresa Mongillo says
All I can say is Amazing Grace, because again just when I need a helping hand to understand how I was brought up and educated I find this wonderful reminder. I cried too ( I can’t imagine anyone not being touched by this) and promised myself to continue my revolution to change and be a better person. But change is slow and hard work so it is such a blessing to know other people are on this journey and I am not alone.
Thank you again. Mary
Rivki says
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. It *is* really scary to admit to the world the things we do behind our doors when we are not at our best. Really, really scary. It is so wonderful that you did, though, because you can give encouragement to so many mothers who struggle with the same thing, and it gives us hope that we CAN change and that we can indeed overcome our frustrations and stress and be the mothers we want to be.
It is also something that I have intensely worked on over the past couple of years, when I realized that I was also buckling under pressure in ways I was not happy with.
May you see your children flourish and blossom, and may you have enjoyment and joy from them, and may your inspirational words reach those who need to hear them. All the best!
Stephanie K says
Great one Rachel! This obviously resonates with many people (myself included). I literally just wrote about yelling in my journal two days ago – wanting to get it under control and not take out my frustrations on my kids. You hit the nail on the head that the yelling is a result of feeling a loss of control – bingo, that’s it! I think that understanding that is key.
I read your entry yesterday while sitting in the pick-up line at school. I was on ‘high tension alert’ – felt it in my veins (frustrating day at home dealing with tech issues while an overtired 2.5 year old challenged me at every turn). My little firecracker was screaming in her seat behind me about wanting her shoes on (‘ON MOMMY, My shoes ON Now!’) and I was feeling like I could blow. The boys entered the car (already bickering) and my blood pressure went up another notch. Well thank goodness I had just read your words. As my oldest leaned over to change the radio and crank up some obnoxious song, I calmly said, “Mom needs a mellow ride home today guys. I’ve had a very challenging day & I am feeling really crabby.” I reclaimed my radio and turned up the Jack Johnson and we rode home in peace while I tried to channel my inner beach/chill mom mode.
I hope that you are able to retrieve or rewrite those three chapters (sorry for the frustration). Once again, you turned your life situation into a great life lesson for so many. Thank you & hugs!
Sheryl says
I am sitting in my office crying. It’s like I am looking into the mirror reading your story. Mine is so similar. Life does make things complicated. Life does challenge us….especially as parents. I, too, am guilty of yelling at my kids for no apparent reason other than sheer frustration. Thank you for showing us we are not alone. And please thank your daughter for opening MY eyes too.
lauren says
Very powerful words. I’ve been struggling myself with my 3 girls. Between working full time and carting the kids around to softball, band, Prep and girl scouts I’ve given up almost all free time for myself. My husband runs a pizza shop and works 7 days a week open to close so I’m about the closest thing to a single mother as I can be right now. I find myself screaming more than I’m speaking and the kids have started to follow my example. There is nothing worse then looking at your children as they yell and argue with each other and realize it’s your fault. Your words have really touched me and tonight, before we heard off to their softball games, I will hug them and kiss them and tell them how perfect they are. And I’ll talk to them about how I’m struggling because I know they are too and hopefully we can all fix each other. Thank you for sharing 😉
SUSAN says
I very much enjoyed your blog and teared up a bit with memory. My mother is one who I call the human volcano: she would vent loudly when she was angry and then, for her, it was over. The rest of us were left with bad feelings. So, I have spent my entire life avoiding anger so that I wouldn’t be like that. However, having 3 kids and working full time can cause even the calmest person to lose it and I can never forget how I felt when the words came out and how I felt looking at my children. Big lessons learned!! Mine are now grown but I am thankful that I, like the author, learned early how to calmly discuss problems when they arose. Great blog!
Kevin says
This brought tears to my eyes. I am not a yeller. I grew up in a yelling household, and as a result, all of my life I have had challenges with situations where people are yelling, or even just raising their voices. I am 43 years old, and when I encounter a yeller, I simply shut down. My mind doesn’t function around yelling. The physical-ness of those soundwaves from yelling, hitting a person’s body and spirit, are devastating. I don’t think many people realize the damage that’s done by yelling at anyone, particularly the little people in your life who love you unconditionally. It sends a message of fear and shame. I congratulate and honor anyone who tries to hold themselves up to higher standards, and loving expressions of human-ness. Thank you for sharing this invaluable piece of yourself.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Kevin. This is more powerful than anything I could have ever written. I thank you for sharing your perspective. I will remember your words and they will help me stay committed to the choosing a calm response no matter how hard it is to choose it. It matters in my children’s lives today, and like you so beautifully pointed out, it matters for their future. I am grateful for your comment and for everyone who has shared their heart on this topic in this incredible comment thread. Together, there is hope.
Amy says
I have three sisters. We grew up in a household of yellers and we all, now, react differently to conflict and yelling.
I tend to strike back, and seize control. Therein I feel more safe. My middle sister does a combination of passive aggressive behavior and withdrawl. My youngest sister is like you. She refuses to speak and shuts out anyone in her life who yells. If she and I get in an argument, she wont’ speak to me for months.
I so do not want this to happen to my son.
Cindi says
I couldn’t agree with you more, Kevin, on the physical, emotional and spiritual effects of yelling. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling. I cannot function in a situation where there is yelling, whether it is at me or at someone else (including animals, who cannot defend themselves) and yet, somehow, when I have truly reached my wit’s end in a situation, I too turn into a yeller although, generally, my tendency is to shut down and go silent. I have found this completely baffling up until now. Now that I know better, I will do better.
Lori Harris says
Thank you. Oh, I’m a screamer and an over-reacter and a not-enough-grace giver. I’ve seen that look in my kids’ eyes, the one where I realize I’ve scared them and it breaks my heart. I’m joining a friend in a no- yelling challenge this summer and I pray that God will transform our homes as a result.
sam p says
Saw this posted on a friends fb page. This is me. wow. I am a work in progress, but with a 6 & 3 yo at home, i yell at random times. my kids dont deserve it and my family doesnt deserve it. I have seen that look in my kids eyes when they mess up. realization for me. thank you for your braveness in posting this and thank you for the other suggestions. May God continue to bless you.
Amy Horrocks says
HOLY COW! This is SO GOOD! Thanks for posting this. I am a yeller by nature and have struggled with it for years. Just recently, not through my own power, has it started to change. Your post will help me continue to do better by my kids. Thanks!
Nikki Bean says
This is a beautiful reminder. I am a new mother to a 22 month old boy and a 9 month old girl. I don’t have an issue of yelling, but maybe the opposite, which can potentially be close to as damaging. A little mistake is made, and perhaps I shut down my response for fear of not wanting to lash out. When really, a kind, thoughtful, response is needed to propel my babies to independence, empathy, and understanding.
My mom has sometimes recalled a story of my childhood. I came to her as a young child, and I was crying, and obviously very upset. I told her I had lost a tooth, and I was very sorry I had gotten blood in the bathroom sink. She walked into the bathroom, anticipating blood shed, only to find a tiny string of saliva laced with red. You can imagine the back story… it is probably all too familiar. That was her AH HA! moment. She decided to change for me. I have never recognized the struggle and charity in this story until seeing it paralleled to yours. I do want to be an attentive, loving, and unplugged (my biggest struggle) mother. If my children aren’t worthy of my best, then no one is.
Cheryl says
I just want to say thank you for this. I had a moment just a few days ago but felt lost in how to move in a different direction. I feel hopeful now that I can make changes to be a more a patient and empathetic mother. I will be printing and saving this little gem to remind me of how important it is to take a breath and that it’s never too late to change our parenting behavior. Thank you thank you thank you.
Amy says
My parents were yellers, and still are. I have become that which I hated the most, a yeller. I do it when I cannot seem to grasp upon anything to control.
Thank you for giving me hope that I can learn to control my rages. In Luke 6:45 it says “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I do not want to be a yeller.
Thank you again for sharing this with us.
April says
Thank you.
Kristin says
Oh, my. This is so similar to my story. So similar. And I’ll also add that had you (I) not been a yeller, your (our) children wouldn’t know the sweet ring of transformation, the beauty of forgiveness.
The sting of frustration is followed by release and brings us to clarity where we find our source. That part is critical.
I would venture to say that the whole ball of wax is what brought about the great empathy, not just the softness, but the whole big mess of it. Your (our) children have learned very early what were all doing here on this rock. They are prepared now with the armor of love. They will do great things. ❤
Natalia says
Growing up, my mom would go from spurts of yelling to long moments of silence. Both can be detrimental when abused. I certainly inherited those traits, and it has been a long road learning different ways of being with others. I am expecting my fist child, but even before we even considered getting pregnant, my husband and I decided that there would not be yelling at our house. When frustrated, we take a walk, together or separate. I also take time to cry out my frustration on my own before engaging in a conversation. Often, the block to learning is the belief that by adulthood, especially by parenthood, we should know better and have developed the necessary coping skills to handle our feelings. I think your post is a perfect example of how there is never a perfect time to learn to be better, to become aware of how we do things and change if we want to. Thank you for sharing this and validating for others that there is no shame in learning as an adult and as a parent. Thanks for validating the point that as parents we learn from our children as much, if not more than we teach them. This brings me great hope for the world my son will be coming to.
TM says
Just…. thank you, thank you, thank you.
Becky says
Ugh, my fb friends have been sharing this post and I did not want to read it. It knew I’d be convicted and I just wasn’t ready. Well, here I am broken and convicted and I haven’t read the whole article because if I do I will be the one blubbering at her desk. I will read the rest later, but God got His point across. I find myself annoyed at my 3 year old more times then I care to admit. I am distracted and she is trying to get my attention. I’m so glad you let God use you to write this post, I know it couldn’t have been easy.
Wendolyn says
…though, after the day I had… your story is beautiful because in your time of need, there was a response from the universe – your kids noticed. Maybe I’m in a moment of despair, but I think my elder son’s response would be, “oh. And, you packed the wrong kind of raisins in my lunch today” and then try to kick his little brother because he’s mad at my error.
I’m going to read up on the Orange Rhino… and hope that this storm passes soon, because it seriously stinks.
Elise says
I was a yeller. Then I realized how it was affecting both my son and my husband. I also realized that the yelling did nothing to solve the problems, and in fact only made them worse. I work really hard to not yell–and think I’m doing better. My husband tells me I still do, but I keep trying–really hard. What I have been doing, when I find myself in that situation with my family, is to stop, and looking at them apologize. I talk to my son about how hard I’m trying to change, and that I don’t like yelling. I ask for his forgiveness and explain why I think it happened and commit to trying harder the next time. Hopefully, I’m teaching my son that we can’t always be “perfect” and that when we aren’t we need to own it and work harder the next time. It also helps me to help my son problem solve and identify better ways of doing things. I keep trying–and am getting better. My mantra has become–it is what it is. I can only do what I can do and that helps to calm me! Thanks for this–needed the reminder today and recommit myself to no yelling!
Maureen says
Thank you.
Sarah says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so glad a friend shared this on Facebook. You have described my life perfectly. Right down to the spilled bag of cereal (though this morning it was a plate of shredded cheese all over the floor as my kindergartener tried to make her own lunch). I’m so relieved to learn I’m not the only one that yells, because in this super-mom society, so few of us are willing to talk about our flaws. And I’m relieved to know there is a way to get better.
But most of all, thank you for reminding me it is not too late to give my girls the mama I want them to have.
SuZ says
Thank you so much for sharing this… sometimes you don’t realize your problem until someone else shares it and then a lightbulb clicks on… and you are never the same. I cannot thank you enough, seriously.
Diane says
well crap, I’m sixty where was this wonderful thing when I was raising and yelling at my kids! Thank You so much for being such a great person and also thank God for having given you the gift of being able to pass it on.. It’s not to late for the rest of you folks that still have kids to not yell at, Bless You Rachel
bridgett says
you’ll never know how important this was for me today. i’m on a journey to stop yelling and this was exactly what i needed to keep me going. i fail miserably some days and i fear the damage can be irreparable. This was a hopeful reminder that it can change and for good. thanks…
becky says
I just rad your story and it struck a chord with me as I was a yeller too, and reading this story reminded me of the look on my daughters face when I would yell, scared says it all, I think yelling at your children hurts them to the core, we have to remember we were children once too and made mistakes and had accidents and still do as adults, this really hit home for me. Life is to short to sweat the small stuff, we only have them for a short time we need to cherish every single second….thank you for sharing
Jenny says
Thank you for sharing! The timing could not have been more perfect for me. I am encouraged by your words and they were just what I needed to hear.
Bird Moses says
That is a powerful post! I hope that many benefit from your wise words. Scaring a child is not the way to raise them and your children sound like they have indeed inherited your wisdom already…peace and joy to you all
Beverly says
Bawling. Filled with guilt … and hope. Thank you.
Rachel Andres says
Growing up in a household where yelling was a daily and sometimes hourly constant, I know first hand the damage that yelling causes a young child. I admire you for discovering this issue early on and actively working on solving it to give your kids a safe place to call home. I’ll be referring back to your post as my own kids grow up and I want to lose my patience with them. You will help serve as a reminder to me not to stack so much on myself that the ones that matter are left in the background.
Your story is so inspirational and made me tear up wishing my own family had ever realized what you did.
Ashley says
This is just what I needed to read! I tend to yell because I am busy on my computer or phone and not just going and talking to my girls! Thank you so much for this post!!!
Carissa Houston says
Thank you for revealing yourself in this post; it was more helpful than you can know. I am off to read more about the Hands Free Revolution.
Amanda says
I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a yeller. I came from a family of them. I really need to break the cycle. I’ve noticed my oldest yells at her younger brothers much more than I’d like. 🙁
Andrea says
I am on the verge of tears, this is so me. And I can see the effect my yelling has on my 7 year old daughter, she is the same, lack of patience. I so want to change for her and hopefully together we can become better people.
Karen says
I found your blog a few weeks ago and it has truly inspired me. I have been feeling convicted for a while about “distractions” in my life and what is truly important. Your posts affirm what God has been telling me. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for using your brokenness to encourage and help other “distracted” mama’s. I read your post about yelling yesterday. It certainly spoke to me. I have been where you were. I am happy to say that I am changing – getting better – enjoying my children more and more. I am blessed.
Mary Jo says
Thank you so much for this post. Both my children are adults now and I am so sorry I was a yeller when they were younger. I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize your children are afraid of you and dreading the next time you yell. I realize that we all make mistakes and to take a deep breath and walk away is the best thing sometimes.
K says
Can you apologize to them? I’m an adult child of a yeller (and hitter and shamer and…) and I think an apology from my mother would go a long way toward my healing. I would probably have a hard time accepting that she was being sincere, but I would love nothing more than for her to convince me. You can’t take it back, but you can probably almost make up for it.
E L says
Thank you for your beautifully written post, which helped me articulate all the fears I have about being a yeller! I am trying to show love and BE there, although there are days when I feel like harsh words are the only way of getting through )):
May I link your post in my blog? Would like to share this with everyone, ESP my husband hah!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you so much, please link away! I am grateful to everyone who is reading and sharing so more people can feel not so alone in their daily struggles. There is so much hope in these comments. I am so grateful for everyone who is bravely stepping forward and saying, “Today begins a new way of handling the anger. Today I choose the peaceful response.”
Jennifer says
I yell. Alot. I hate myself for it. I too have realized I am over-burdened and am working hard to de-clutter my life. Thank you so much for this post – I see so much of myself in this and it is encouraging.
Frances says
What a beautiful article. My father was a yeller and even at the great age of 63 I still have problems, although I’ve let a lot go. Although I don’t have children, I need to bear this in mind when I deal with people who frustrate me. Thanks for the insight.
kaitlin says
This explains the problem with yelling so well. I remember resenting my parents when I was little because I was so afraid any time that I made a mistake. I was an obedient child overall. I rarely got sent to my room, grounded, or spanked (they stopped spanking when I was very young), but I remember being yelled at for every spilled drink, forgotten permission slip, and sometimes things I didn’t even do. I hated yelling and it always made me cry even when I wasn’t the one being yelled at. It did make feel like my mother wasn’t proud of me and that neither of my parents had any self-control. I realized as best as a child can that the punishment didn’t fit the crime.
That said, I recognize that I could just as easily become a yeller. I think you gave some awesome perspective on how to stay away from that, and your daughter’s behavior is an outcome that I would love to see in my future children. I want a home of peace. I want my parenting to be intentional.
Also, I loved how you aren’t advocating for no discipline, but instead, you helped your children learn to fix mistakes instead of running away from them. Those seem like some pretty special moments!
Sara W says
This post was a direct answer to my prayers this week on how to be a better Mother. Thank you for giving me hope that there is still time to change. My heart aches so very much and my inappropriate responses to innocent mistakes. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mark says
Congratulations on not being a “yeller.” Also, congratulations on an lengthy post that is over-emphisizing a problem that doesn’t exist. Sometimes as a parent, you need to raise your voice to your child. They need to understand that you are in charge and what you say goes, otherwise they will run all over you, or worse.
If your child is running out into the street without looking and could get hit by a car or playing with power tools that could hurt them, you’d better raise your voice. Sometimes a little fear is a good thing, even if it is of you. Understanding right from wrong is the first step in helping children to learn how to not only fix mistakes, but avoid making them again because of the consequences. I fail to see how this would help your kids do that.
Please try better next time.
Mitzi says
Unbelievable.
Mark says
You’re right. Her article is unbelievable. That’s why I took the time to point out the err of it.
There is nothing wrong with being a more forgiving parent, but forgiveness can wait until later. Kids need to learn first. If they do not, unacceptable behavior will certainly continue. I’m sorry if that seems harsh to you or Ms. Rachel or others, but you cannot argue against it.
Worry about minor issues like a “yelling” problem later. Deal with the REAL problem first…. behavior. And coddling a child (or anyone) will not change behavior.
Military Dad says
I agree with the point your making, Mark. Children do need to be protected through training. However, there are countless examples where using patience and positive reinforcement can be more effective in accomplishing that, while providing a more constructive and nurturing environment. It may be more difficult to find other solutions, but kids our worth the extra brain-power that requires.
Mark says
“Countless” is a very strong word, Military Dad. “Small handful” would be a much better description. The problem is not a yelling or punishing parent; the problem is undiciplined children who we are afraid to handle appropriately because we’ve been led into this silly gentle form of parenting that doesn’t work well. The result, from what I’ve seen, is lazy, undiciplined teenagers, and eventually adults.
A little fear of the authority figure goes a long way to showing how much you truly love your child and value the person they’ll grow into.
Amy says
I think there is a huge difference between yelling when a child is in immediate physical danger (about to run into the street) and yelling over frustrating, but ultimately insignificant things (spilling a glass of milk).
My impression is that yelling over the insignificant daily frustrations is what we are discussing here. I can’t imagine a reasonable person having an issue with yelling if a kid is Bout to walk in front of a speeding car!
Mark says
Actually, there is very little difference, Amy. Maybe a spilled glass of milk is insignificant, yes, but kids also need to learn from their mistakes. The way to do that is with consequences. (with rewards for the opposite behavior, occasionally, as well). Not through coddling.
Military Dad says
Discipline is extremely important, Mark. I’m not discounting that at all, believe me. However, my experience tells me that when you’re teaching children positive reinforcement is FAR MORE effective than negative consequence. And, yes, there is always room to teach consequence. But if you lay the groundwork for discipline and obedience through positive reinforcement when you’re teaching, you avoid the necessity for as much consequence later on and you won’t even have to worry about an unruly, undiscoplined teen. The key is to consistently encourage obedience and discipline with positive reinforcement from the beginning.
I agree with Amy, though, that this article is more about when we get frustrated with our kids and start out yelling to try and teach or get their attention, but it soon forms a habit where we do it unnecessarily. Does this make sense?
Mark says
No, it does not.
Mark says
Positive reinforcement should ONLY be applied in conjunction with negative reinforcement. It is not beneficial to simply reward children and ignore discipline. Positive reinforcement does NOT end negative behavior. And, unless an unpleasant alternative is introduced, it does not bring about any positive changes in behavior.
So positive reinforcement is not more effective. Does that make sense?
Katie says
I’m sitting here at work nearly sobbing because I know I’m a yeller. My dad was a yeller, his mom was, etc… my husband is always asking why I get so worked up. We now have a six month old, and the last thing I ever want is that fear that I had when I made a mistake and knew my dad was going to scream at me.
Thank you for your post. I’m going to add it to my favorites and read it at least once a week. Thanks again. ((hug))
Alica says
The higher being is really working today! Thank you for such a heartfelt post. Katie, I’m the same. My parents are yellers, and their parents before them were too. My husband however grew up in a totally opposite environment from mine. His parents are always calm, I’ve never once heard them yell in the 15 years I’ve know them.
I get worked up really easy and homeschooling my 4 year-old does not help at all with curbing this habit. Thank you Rachel for the reminder of how our little ones perceive us and learn from us. I don’t want her to be like me. I want to be a better mother to her just like you are to your angels. I will have to print this out and frame it in my room so it can remind me constantly. And thank you for providing a starting point too, that’s fantastic.
Kristin S says
Wow! Beautiful post!!! I cried and cried!
Steffanie Huffstatler says
Many years ago, I too was a yeller. I had the same revelation and thankfully, gratefully, my life turned around. It wasn’t too late for my family and myself to recover. If your article can help just one person, you are way ahead of the game. I’ve shared this post on FaceBook and with your permission, would like to re-blog it on my blog, Unordinary Woman.
Glitter Girl says
I really needed this. Thank you.
Maureen says
I wish I had had something or someone like this when my Children were growing up —- but thank you for sharing this will help me and a lot of other parents who want to change and STOP yelling at our children — they are the innocent ones.
again THANK YOU
Maria Malaveci says
Thank you so much for writing this. I also teared up reading it, because I am a yeller. I feel so ashamed after I do it… I am aware of it. But reading this was so extremely helpful. I am going to really think of your article when I feel the urge and take a deep breath…..
Julie says
Thank you so much for writing this article. One of my friends posted it on Facebook, and I am so thankful. I cried throughout the entire thing. I am a yeller, too. My one-year-old still doesn’t sleep at night, and my body is completely exhausted. Trying to keep the house clean while doing other mom duties is frustrating when you’re exhausted. I yell way too much at my seven-year-old, and it has affected our relationship greatly. From this day on, I want to make a commitment to my boys to never yell again. Thank you!
Estranged says
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy for you and your kids!
My mother was a yeller, a rager, a perfectionist, a controller, a shamer, a guilter… and she never understood why I was never able to confide in her or why I did not trust her. And this pattern continued into my adulthood. Finally, at the age of 30, I decided I had had enough. After once last attempt to lay it on the table and change the relationship ( an attempt that resulted in her yelling at me and blaming me for being a spoiled brat and a selfish b*tch), To preserve my sanity… I left. I have not spoken to or communicated with her in over 13 years. I’ve spent a lot if time and energy in counselling to deal with the psychological damage that was caused. I have mourned the death of that relationship.
Good for you that you were so brave to change your behaviour and to reestablish those bonds with your kids.
K says
You’re brave, too. It’s much harder to walk away for everyone’s health than it is to follow the same old pattern of trying to appease and work things out. Sometimes, things just can’t change.
Sharon says
Thank you for this post. It was shared by a friend on Facebook and it was exactly what I needed to read today. For several months my 10 year old daughter (who is 10 going on 16) and I have been struggling with our relationship. I am a single mom and have raised her on my own since her father and I divorced when she was almost 2. He isn’t really in the picture since he lives in a different country. I could really, really relate to being so overwhelmed and frustrating, and ashamed at being a mom that yells. And she tells me all the time that she doesn’t like it when I yell. I don’t like it when I yell. Thank you for your honesty and for helping me see that there is a light at the end of the really dark tunnel. 🙂
April Brickhouse says
Thank you so much for writing about a subject that so many parents are ashamed to admit they deal with. I think I’ve progressed from yelling to screaming at times and I agree, it is because you feel a loss of control over your own life and when you can’t control your kids (when they don’t listen) you lose it. My son is 6 and I have to change the way I handle things…I don’t want him to remember me being mad all the time. I want him to remember all the great times we had and how loving I was. Also, thanks for the heartfelt mention for the victims in Oklahoma. I grew up in Tulsa, OK (NE of OKC) and my heart goes out to them as well.
Ang says
I have a tendency to yell sometimes and it leaves me feeling such overwhelming guilt. Honesty though, it was your description of supporting your children through mistakes without sighs, eye rolls and looks of disapproval that pierced me the sharpest. Those non-verbal “passive” attacks on my kids are where I know I’m guiltiest. Thank you for a touching reflection and gentle reprimand on an incredibly important issue.
Britzie says
Thank you. These revelations are the answers I’ve been looking for. I commend you for your openness and acceptance of the struggles we as parents (especially mothers) go through every single day. I will change from now on, for myself, for my son, and for my family.
Lisa B says
Thank you, just thank you.
Kristi says
Thank you for this. It brought tears to my eyes. This is where I am… Working full time, going to school part time, trying to get into grad school, full time mom to one of the most energetic kids I know, trying to plan a wedding… it goes on. I have become a yeller and it breaks my heart. I look at some of my friends and family who are stay at home moms and see the love and wonderful relationships they have with their spouses and children and wonder where I have gone so wrong. I never used to be a yeller. I have questioned so many times how I got to that point and how I can fix it and is it too late. Thank you for posting and showing me that it’s not too late. I have the most wonderful daughter in the whole world and I would love more than anything to show her that instead of seeing the pain in her eyes when I get frustrated. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will definitely look into The Orange Rhino and start putting that to practice. Thank you again for the eye opening post and for showing me that it can be turned around.
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for sharing this. Before kids, we have so many things, in our minds, that we declare we will NEVER do, but I couldn’t really understand what it would be like until I was knee-deep, in-the-middle-of-it. No one aspires to be a yeller, but when the reality of parenting sets in and one’s attention is demanded constantly by your sweet little ones and so many other things, then it is easy for the yelling to emerge. I never imagined that I would be a yeller. I LOVE kids, I was an avid babysitter in my youth and a teacher for 10 years before having children, but once mine were old enough to talk and get into mischief, I found myself there, yelling, as well. I have been working on my reactions to my children as well- giving more of me to them than just my frustration and stress. What a beautiful blog. Thank you for being one more reminder and encouragement to me. Reading your post this morning has been a true blessing.
Holly says
Thank you for sharing this, I grew up in the home of a yeller and I can remember being so fearful all the time just waiting for my dad to explode, as a kid I always told myself that I would never treat my kids like that. I now have 4 little boys 8 and under and as you can imagine they get in trouble a lot. And I am ashamed to admit I yell at them often, when it happens I hate myself and always tell myself I need to quit but until now reading your post sitting here bawling like a baby I remember what it was like and what it must be like for my children, thank you for helping me see and helping me to commit to change! I don’t want my kids to grow up like I did afraid of their parent and to feel afraid when they make a mistake or do something wrong.
J. Allen says
Thanks for sharing this. I am a father of 5 beautiful children. I had become yeller as well. So had my wife. Because of that and other root issues that were the source of the yelling we are now in the midst of divorce. I have vowed to become a more patient and loving father. I can already see the difference in myself and my children as we are together. But there is a long painful road of healing ahead. God bless all of us who are seeking to be a little better. If we can do this we will save a generation.
Julie T. says
I’m not a crier. I mean I cry at normal things, but not usually at bolg posts. I cried so hard while reading this entry that one of my contact lenses fell out. Why? Because in reading about your dark time, I felt like I was reading about my I am in my life right now. Thank you for putting out there the things that no one wants to talk about, and more letting me know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that once a yeller doesn’t have to mean always a yeller.
Liliana Grover says
I had the same Kind of experience. It has been a long road and is something I have to think about every day. yelling does not teach it only hinders progress for myself as well as my children.. what is even more frustrating is when you can see your progress but no one else can and that one slip up is all anyone can remember .. But I have found that communicating to all that I am aware of this part of me and That I am trying to gain control gives them opportunity to help me.. It also helps Them to help themselves .. I say my prayers every night and thank my Heavenly Father for helping me get myself in control because it-is also teaching my Kids to know they can do the same.. l am not perfect but I am trying.. My Keds see that, my husband sees it but more importantly my Father in Heaven Knows it. Thank you for sharing. It was
Written so eloquentlyand 1 felt the truth of your words. they have Inspired and motivated me to keep trying and also that I am not alone.
Ali says
I am thankful that someone shared this blog on FB today. I too was there a while back…. furious at everything and nothing at the same time. I realized that my relationships with my children are more important than the end result of homework, a clean bathroom, a perfectly made bed. In the process I learned that I like myself better this way too.
Kimberly says
It is really funny that I read this this morning. A friend posted it on FB and no more than 3 minutes after finishing it, my 3 year old knocked over her milk after she has been told countless times to put it in the center of the table. Most other days I would roll my eyes, and in a very frustrated voice tell her that she should have known better and go get something to clean up her mess and she would be getting another full glass of milk to drink. Today, I just chuckled and saw it as a test from God to see if I payed attention to your blog. I gave her a paper towel I had been holding and told her to start cleaning up while I got more. She then got to spray the cleaner on the floor (which she loves to do) so we could clean up more.
Thank you for this post. It turned spilled milk into a nice moment with my daughter. No one was upset and we were both smiling. Since I am going to try not to yell at my girls I know God will help me by giving me plenty of opportunities to practice not yelling.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Kimberly. Your story means more to me than I could ever express in words. Thank you for taking a moment to share it with me. I will be smiling all day thinking of your precious girl going to town with that spray bottle. 🙂
Patricia says
Thank you for this inspiring post! It speaks right to my heart and encourages me.
Kristen says
After reading this, I called my 2-yr-old daughter over to me. I was already tearing up and she asked, “Mommy, what the matter??” I told her, “I love you lots, and I don’t think I have been the bestest mommy in the world for you.” She looked at me, a bit puzzled. I asked her, “How does it make you feel when Mommy yells at you?” She looked as if she didn’t like to think about it, put her hand on her tummy and said, “It makes me feel sick…” :'( It was all I could do to pick her up and cry and tell her how sorry I am. She hugged me tight and said, “I love you, Mommy,” while I sniffled and kissed her forehead a zillion times. I imagine her feelings are compounded by the fact that her baby sister never gets yelled at – she is too little to do much wrong! She doesn’t understand when she is being difficult. But when I am not frustrated and irrational, it seems silly to assume that a 2-yr-old knows how important it is that we get out the door in time, or that she not leave all her sharpest toys all over her bedroom floor, or that she not bring every toy out to the living room right before Daddy gets home from work… She is very advanced verbally, and I have to remind myself that just because she talks like a 6-yr-old does not mean that she understands like a 6-yr-old. My excuses for yelling go out the door in a hurry when I really consider whether she is being malicious or being a child. While she does have “testy two’s moments,” 90% of the time, she is just being a (silly, loud, clumsy, imaginative, messy, goofy, careless, fun-loving) child. And 99% of the time, she does not need to be yelled at. As a final thought, I recall once yelling at the top of my lungs as my daughter wandered away from where I was loading her sister into our parked car, and into the path of an *moving* car. Her response: nothing. Surely this was no more urgent than unrolled toilet paper…because apparently that merited a shout. Her safety depended on someone else paying attention and hitting the brakes, because she was so accustomed to hearing me yell 🙁 Yelling does more than one kind of damage, and the consequences could have been a lot more permanent if someone else hadn’t stopped quick enough. It *could have* been too late for me to stop yelling. It’s never too SOON – thank you for helping me see not just that the yelling needs to stop, but what causes it, so that I can more effectively weed this habit out of my life.
Sara says
This may get lost in the mix of 277 other comments but I need to post it anyway.
I. Needed. This.
I’m a yeller too. Not necessarily the aggressive, disrespectful verbal attack type, but the exhausted, frustrated ‘ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!’ type. It is extremely difficult to activate the mannerism filter when [insert completely valid reason to be worn down here]. I don’t have a problem controlling my words as much as my exacerbated sighs, frustrated glares and tone of voice.
I appreciate the post, and your raw honesty.
Ang says
I’m the same way Sara! Same reason for yelling… same non-verbal passive-aggressive tendencies. We can fix this. {{{{hugs}}}}
Jo says
As I read this, I feel hopeless. I have an extremely ADHD 16 yr old and a 13 yr old. I grew up in a houseful of yellers and have become one myself. I hate myself for it. I have tried to get help, thinking it was depression etc. However nothing has worked. It has gotten better, however I fear it is too late to repair the damage that has already been done. Please tell me it’s not too late.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Jo, it is not too late. There are countless people who have left comments here and in my inbox saying they yelled for years but found a way to stop. Slowly, they repaired the damage and asked for forgiveness. Many of them now have close relationships with the people they love even after years of yelling. Each day offers a chance to try again. Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time and celebrate each and every time you choose a normal tone of voice instead of a yelling voice. Each time is a success. Tell your family what you are trying to do. Tell them how they can help and support you. Tell them how important they are to you. Please don’t wait one more day. You will look back a year from now and this will be a day in your life you never will forget. You will be so glad you took this step. You are not alone. There is hope. It is not too late.
Karla D. says
Thank you for this post! I really needed to see it!
Tanya (@netchick) says
Hey, thanks for this post. I don’t have kids, but I do have a husband that I get very frustrated with at times. This is a great reminder that yelling is not the solution, it only makes the issue more intolerable. I really appreciate the reminder to knock of the yelling.
Tyra says
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I sat here and cried because I can relate to so much of what you were saying. The reasons I’ve turned into a yeller are many and varied but in the end the only thing that matters is what it’s doing to my children. I’m determining once again today that with God’s help I will change from this person I’ve become to one that is pleasing to Him and healing to my kids. Thank you once again for this post. It was convicting and encouraging at the same time. Just what I needed to read today!
Nici says
THANK YOU. I no longer feel lost and without a choice.
Marty says
I am a yeller and so is my husband but our only child is not. I often think to myself, “when did I become a yeller?” and I believe it began long ago even if I didn’t recognize it until I had a child.
My father was a yeller and I was part of a large merged family where peace and quiet was few and far between. I often bottled things up, cried when I was alone and then exploded when someone irritated me. This email reminded me that not much has changed in my life. Although now, I am aware of my behavior and I am trying to change it. I say to myself that I’m not going to yell. I take deep breaths. I go outside and scream to let things out and then I can go back to the situation with more patience and control but as the situation continues, I finally lose it….I scream, yell, say hateful things and I can feel my heart beating fast…and then I feel guilt, sorrow and disappointment in myself. I know I have hurt my child and my husband and myself with the things that I have said. So today…I thank you for this article. I’m going to read it daily in hopes that in those moments when I’m about to lose control, I will pause and your words will come to mind and help me through the situation. I’m also sending the web address to my husband!
Eliza says
Unfortunately the wanting to stop doesn’t cut it. I appreciate that you had this work for you but honestly I can’t stop. No matter what “trick” I think I have or could have. I am outspoken and tell it like it is always. I can’t keep quiet and I don’t see why I should have to. I had fear of my mom, never stopped me from loving her though. So what’s the big deal if the kids are afraid of you as long as in the end they love you. Kids don’t understand grown ups and the problems. Good for you, your one of the “lucky” ones if this is really true. Lots of people claim they don’t yell but they do. Lots of people claim happy home lives and they couldn’t be further from the truth either!
Stacey says
This made me cry. As a single mom to a smart, vocal, independent 8 year old I am far to often feel overextended and yell. I hate it when I do it and as of today I am going to stop. She deserves better, I love her more than anything.
Mel @ Trailing After God says
So, so good. Thank you for this precious reminder. i know when I am frustrated in other areas of my life, I tend to yell when something small happens. I lived in fear as a child, I don’t want that for my kids.
Asiya @ Chocolate and Chillies says
Thank you for this post…brought tears to my eyes. I’ve become a yeller 🙁 and hate myself for it. I worry about what am I teaching my children and how will they turn out with me always yelling. It’s a struggle but after reading your story I hope to put an end to the yelling
Amy Barrett says
I prayed to Jesus last night to give me peace over a family member walking out of mine and my children’s lives. What the Holy Spirit did was put this blog about yelling, which I do a lot, in front of me. But, most importantly what it did was put your last words and lay them on my heart. The family member that has walked out of our life…..there is one last thing to say to her and that is this……The door is always open and we love you. Never EVER take one day for granted. If something was to happen to her and I didn’t get the “last word” as far as how my heart feels, I would have terrible regret. I plan to let her know immediately that despite what has happened we love her and when/if she is ready and willing we are ready to begin a “new” relationship with her. God Bless You for this blog posting. The Holy Spirit got me today and I am so thrilled and blessed.
ANDREA says
Thank you.
I wanna read your books. If you where able to write this article, I’m sure It’s gonna be enjoyable. I’m mexican but I’m sure I´ll be able to find for your books at Amazon.com
Valerie says
Thank you, thank you thank you! I had a yelling episode at my daughter yesterday after she continued to kick the door after I asked her not to and counted to 3! I felt horrible! I too am swimming in a sea of commitments, to do lists and technology; feeling pulled in 1 million directions. This article has made me stop and think. I will be making changes in the future which will make my family my focus; not work or other gadgets.
Thank you again!
Ashley says
We had a late start to our morning, causing things to be hectic and us running behind. I yelled at my 2 oldest boys, ages 6 and 7, in my frustration, frustration that I caused because I wanted 15 more minutes of sleep. I’ve been a crying mess all morning, feeling terrible for the way I acted right before sending my boys off to school. I’ve been contemplating going to the school to pick them up, only an hour and a half after I dropped them off there, to hug them tight and apologize for the way I acted. I decided to sit down for a breather first, and here I am on facebook, not really paying attention to anything I’m reading on there because I’m still crying, feeling like a failure as a mother because yelling has become such a normal thing in our lives and that’s not the mom I want to be for my children. And then I see this link ‘A Mama’s Story’ posted up called “The Important Thing About Yelling” Call it a coincidence or God putting me and your story at the right place at the right time. Either way, it’s exactly what I needed at the moment I needed it the most. This is the first time I’ve ever seen your blog, and I assure you I will be back frequently. Thank you for sharing your story, for helping me see that I’m not alone in my struggles to be the best mom I can be and God wants me to be, for helping me realize it’s never too late to change the way you do things and become a better parent, and for the reassurance that children are forgiving and if I show them now that Mommy is changing, they will appreciate that and won’t always remember me as the mom that yelled way too much. I have 4 young boys, and it is my desire to raise them up always, and never to bring them down. Today I turn over a new leaf, I promise to make a change, and I challenge myself to no more yelling. Thank you for being an inspiration!
Jeff says
Rachel,
I must say, that even thou I am a father, I too can relate to this. I find myself yelling at my 9-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter for what now are small, innocent mistakes that we all made when we were their age. I always feel guilty and ashamed that I can let my frustrations and lack of patients get the best of me.
Your article has really inspired me to be a better father and even more compassionate person towards my children. I plan on sharing this with my wife as well so that our whole household can learn to be a more cohesive and yell free family unit.
Thank you!
Patty says
Way to go DAD! Way to pay attention. Good luck!
mindy pitcher says
unfortunately, i inherited my dad’s patience level, and sadly his ability to yell as well. my mom has always been such an example to me, but when my life became all too busy and hectic for me, i resorted to yelling too. i stopped over a year and a half ago, and life is SO much better!! it is one of the best decisions i have ever made. thanks for inspiring others and letting them know that there are other ways.
Nicole says
You wrote this for me. Simply…thank you.
Allyn says
Wow. This was like reading my life story word for word. I was so exactly like this. Daughters same age….had a moment of “oh my God. My kids are scared of me.” Things are better now!
Michelle says
I sit here in tears because this is a part of my daily life, I often lose it on my 3 and 6 year old for simple mistakes of childhood. They are only trying to become more independent but if something spills watch out! I know why it happens and you ahve also pinpointed it in your blog, we are overloaded, everyone needs something including you. life is so demanding, I myself am the mother of 3, working full time and attending school. My husband has some medical issues as of lately and doesn’t help out as much as he used to, I feel as if all the pressure is on me, laundry is piled up, dishes don’t do themselves, and the kids need fed and cleaned up. School work for the kids and mama needs done and the baby is crying. But I have noticed as of lately the scared look in my 6 year old when I yell so I have tried to be better but the last 2 days something has just come over me, I feel like I am a sinking ship. Thank you for the blog, it really had me in tears. I hope to work on me, freeing up some things and showing my kids how to be kinder gentler souls.
Justine says
Amazing, inspiring words. AND deeds. I cannot thank you enough for this, as I so often find myself raising my voice only to hate myself for it later. I have seen that fear in my child’s eyes, and I am not proud of it.
Again, thank you for putting this out there for those of us who want to learn. Who want to become better for our children. And for those of us who want to see that it’s never too late to change.
Lauren says
A to the Men! I am on day 6 of not yelling. It’s nice to know I am sharing this struggle with many many rockin’ moms.
B0bby James says
The worse part of it all is that you only have to yell at them once for them to begin to make it a part of their relationships with their siblings, friends, and even with parents! No person is immune from the feelings of inner frustration and it takes great labor to conquer the urge to take command of a situation with your voice. I thank God for second chances and strength to restrain and conquer this in my own life. I also thank God for the healing He gives to me and my family.
Cordel Haws says
So many strong, brave, people sharing their stories. I am a stay at home dad of two. I used to pride myself on my patience, but slowly I think my kids ate away at it. I don’t know where my yelling came from, but I guess like a lot of you I just reached my snapping point. I’m not even sure when or what happened to make me realize I was being ridiculous, but I decided to try and calm down and think before I yell. It’s been a huge relief for me. I still get exasperated, huff, roll my eyes, and/or mutter cross words, but I always regret it. I need to get into a better habit of apologizing to them for it. Need to remember to give them hugs and calm words of support. Thanks to all of you for making me feel not so alone.
Michele says
Such a beautiful story and testimony for many. Huge confirmation and conviction for myself and I couldn’t wait to share with many of my mommy friends who have days of similar struggles, as we all do. Blessings!
Anitha says
I tumbled upon this post. Thank you so much for writing this up so wonderfully. As a mom of 2(6 & 2) I had tears by the time i finished reading this. I have bookmarked this page and i’m going to read this atleast 3-4 times a week to remind myself of the change i need in me. Thank you!!
Dana says
I am so thankful that I found your post today. I too am trying to not be a yeller!! I truly never thought I would turn into this but sadly I have. Your post gives me hope that I too can change and it is not to late for my 8 year old twins and my soon to be 6 year old to have the mother they truly deserve!!! Your words are truly inspiring and make me want to do better for my family!! Thank you!
Christina says
I think this is a wonderful message regarding priorities and how our own distractions and lack of patience affect our children and family in general. It reminds me of some of my favorite scriptures:
1Th 5:14 “..speak consolingly to the depressed souls, support the weak, be long-suffering toward all”
Pr 15:4 “The calmness of the tongue is a tree of life, but distortion in it means a breaking down in the spirit.”
Pr 15:23 “A man has rejoicing in the answer of his mouth, and a word at its right time is O how good.”
Pr 15:28 “The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer, but the mouth of the wicked ones bubbles forth with bad things.”
Pr 16: 32 “He that is slow to anger is better than a mighty man, and he that is controlling his spirit than the one capturing a city.”
Pr 15:24 “Pleasant says are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones.”
Jas 3:5 “So, too, the tongue is a little member and yet makes great brags. Look! How little a fire it takes to set so great a woodland on fire!”
Jas 3:11-12 “A fountain does not cause the sweet and the bitter to bubble out of the same opening, does it? My brothers, a fig tree cannot produce olives or a vine figs, can it? Neither can salt water produce sweet water.”
Eph 4:29 “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth, but whatever saying is good for building up as the need may be, that it may impart what is favorable to the hearers.”
Eph 4:31 “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave you.”
C. Benentt says
Thank you.
Cindy B. says
Thank you soooooooo much for this post!!! Praise God you learned this earlier than I it took me until 5 years ago and I am now 40 with 7 children 19 – 8 and I too was a “yeller” and I believe many mom’s are we r tired, as you said over commited, our to-do lists are far to big and we believe this lie that we should be perfect and be able to do it all and that’s just not what God intended for us . Mom’s enjoy those precious life moments as hard as they may be from day to day life is fleeting and our children will grow up to fast and you will begin to miss the spilled milk, the spilled cereal and rice the messes and sleepless nights so take one day at a time and when you feel anger building up remove yourself and return to child when calm. Our children really do learn from our actions kids do what we do not what we say so that in and of it self is convicting. Thank you for openly sharing a piece of your truth that I believe if we are all honest most have or do struggle with this very thing. God Bless you ,
Cindy
Patty says
Hello Cindy, I too am guilty of being a yeller not so much with my son’s as with my niece whom I have custody of and deserves more patience…. so this article did touch me as well…but what you said about missing the finger prints and the mess….. I used to tell my ex husband that all the time …I would say someday we will miss these days!
Jake says
This is a great post, thanks for sharing.
Lee says
Wow! I’ve read every single post on here (sometimes twice) and this is hands-down my favorite to date. So powerful.
Rebekah says
Thank you so much for sharing!!
Tracy says
Thank you so much for a perfect timing post. I’ve always been a yeller, and as guilty as I feel I don’t know how to stop being one. Recently, my yelling has gotten worse and it’s really affecting my family, especially my daughter. I’ve been searching for all sorts of books, articles about anger hoping i’ll be able to control myself better. Your post is very relatable and exactly what I’m looking for. Reading it makes me feel I’m not alone and that yelling can be stopped. Thanks so much. I can’t wait to read more from you on this topic.
Bridget says
I feel like this article chronicles the experience I have been having for the past year. I work full time in a somewhat stressful job. For the past year, my husband has been working out of state, home only 8 days a month. So by default I became a single working mom. Add in all the distractions of modern life (perfectionism, devices, etc.) I was very overwhelmed and the littlest thing, especially at night when I was tired, (my daughter fights sleep like a prizefighter, too!) would set me off into a yelling episode. I knew that I would be causing permanent damage if I did not change my ways. One thing we implemented was a “do better next time” ritual. If someone loses control or yells, we go to the “do better next time” sign (which we made together), pause and reflect, say sorry to the person we yelled at, and vow to do better next time. One thing is true, kids really do respond when they see you trying, even if you slip up and aren’t perfect. I am still a work in progress, but I am much better. It’s been a spiritual journey.
Melissa says
Hi! I really liked this post. My mom was a terrible yeller, to the point that we just stopped listening. We had no respect for her and our relationship today is still damaged because of it. She would just yell, never listen or understand where we were coming from. I am not a mom yet, but one day I hope to be, and I have promised myself long ago to not be a yeller and to love and understand my children and reason with them instead. Your article made me cry because I know how the little girl on the foot stool spilling the rice must have felt. Thank you.
Lisa {grey luster girl} says
Let me add my appreciation to all the others who have already commented. This was an inspired post and I am glad to have read it. Thank you for being a vehicle of change for so many. PS. I am still crying!
Tiffanie says
WOW! What an amazing piece of writing. Tears are streaming down my face. A very powerful reminder of how precious our children are. Finding a balance in this hectic world is a daily struggle for me. Thank you for writing this and sharing your personal story.
AnnieH says
I hear lots of ladies saying, “yeah, yeah, sounds good, but HOW?!” I was totally there. I didn’t say horrible words, I said things like, “SIT DOWN!” or “COME HERE RIGHT NOW!” Or I yelled some other command because it was ignored time and time again. It terrified my daughter and made her bawl and scared of me. She didn’t want me to put her to bed at night. So I finally realized that I hated that part of me, and I refused to let it rule me.
My husband wasn’t sure what to do about it, so I started by getting professional help. After counselling and medication and continued struggle, I’ve had to very, very intentionally reduce stressors in my life. That means little caffeine, little sugar, whole grains instead of white bread, etc. Lean proteins. Vitamins. Sleep. Get rid of the TV. Don’t sit in front of the laptop when the kids are there. I’ve eliminated what I call “artificial deadlines,” which are self-imposed deadlines like, “we have to leave for the park by 10 am!” or “we cannot be late for this play date!” I mean, what is the worst thing that could happen if you’re late for a play date? Or “but I have to get home to make the chicken!!” Don’t let chicken rule the roost: just make sandwiches, sweetie.
I have lower expectations. For example, I should fully expect for the kids to run and jump in folded clothes piles when I’m trying to fold clothes while they’re awake. Have a shorter time frame for achieving tasks, like give yourself enough time to unload the dishes, but don’t expect your kids to give you enough time to reload them immediately.
Connect with your kids between tasks if you’re trying to get something done. We implemented two things that have helped tremendously: Time Ins and Time Outs. We have always done timeouts for kids…but sometimes mommy feel like she is about to lose it, and I go in my room and lock the door and hang out there for a few minutes while I calm down. Time Ins are when my kids, mainly my daughter, starts to become a stinker, I realize that she just needs some attention. and frankly, for a 4 y/o, that’s a perfectly healthy thing that I can provide. So I say, “do you need a time in?” She usually nods her yes, and I collect her into my lap and sit with her and rub her back, maybe only for a minute, and then she hops back up to go play. This gives her that connection she needs, and allows me room in my expectations to focus on her, give her what she needs and then go back to what I need to do.
I’ve also started tracking the physical signs of me getting ready to freak out. I know that when my jaw starts getting tight, and I feel a nagging headache coming, when I start to feel confined or I’m having trouble concentrating because there is too much noise…that is when I know I need a break. I’ve learned to hand it off to my husband, to turn off the radio or the music or stop looking at apps on my phone or stop the task I’m trying to do. I’ve learned that my last resort is giving mommy a timeout in her room, and sometimes I just have to close the door and turn the radio on static so I can gather my thoughts.
Constant distraction for the kids, low expectations, reducing stressors, listening to my body…none of these tactics would work in isolation. My health and that of my family are dependent on my intentional decision to change how I reacted, to heal my relationship with my daughter, and to meet the needs of my children.
I still yell, and my daughter is getting really good at it, too. But I yell way less, because I’m choosing to prevent it in simple, manageable ways.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you so much. What a helpful and beneficial list. I use many of these and found them all to help me curb the urge to yell. I appreciate you taking the time to share your wisdom and experience.
Susan says
thanks for those great suggestions. sometimes mommy’s need time-outs too
lauren says
Oh boy did i need this today. With a 4 year old and 5 month old things have been a bit crazy. My father was a yeller and I hated it growing up. Ive been seeing this come out in myself more and more lately and it makes me feel sick. I was in tears reading this. For the first time yesterday I saw the same look in my sons eyes. No More!!! thank you for your inspiration!! I will not give in to my frustrations anymore!
Lynne says
I come from a long line of yellers, and it’s definitely the thing I hate most in myself. I’m printing this out and putting it in my top desk drawer. Thank you.
Jennafer Chaddrick says
Thank you for your transparency–many of us are trying to live up to that idea of being the “perfect mom” and driving ourselves crazy in the process. By slowing down and giving yourself a chance to be real with your kids, you have taught them priceless life lessons! I, too, was a yeller (transformation still in progress!), but didn’t realize how much effect it was having on my 4-yr old. Last June we moved in w/my in-laws while our new home was to be built. Several paperwork problems delayed the start of construction until February! During that time, then tension got the better of all of us. Thankfully, God directed me to His Word and showed me James 1:19-20. At my wit’s end, I knew this passage had to be the key to turning us around. I made up a little tune and we all memorized it, and sang it whenever we were ‘on the brink’: ” ‘My dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry. For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.’…so be quick to listen and slow to speak, and slow to become angry. James 1:19-20.” I don’t need to describe to you how humbling it was the first time my son sang it to me as I was noticeably angry one afternoon! Keep up the good work–will be praying for you as you continue your journey!
Tammy says
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reminding me that more than anything, these kids need a mom that they don’t fear.
Love should be in my every response.
Tammy says
Wish someone would have sen this lesson to the women who gave birth to me 40 some years ago. In early 30’s, she went to far- was 4 years until my Grandmother communicated with me that she would love to have her whole family together for Christmas. Christmas Eve was always at my Mothers house, so my Fiance, myself & the children showed up & made my Grandmother very proud. We never really discussed the differences that drove us apart to begin with- I would try & was shut down when she walk away- I kept thinking maybe she don’t know how to talk about it- waiting to see if i let it be, she would come about in her own time. In late 1999, My Grandmother passed, I seen a change in my Mother & I thought this was the wake up call she needed. Short lived of 5 years, the women I thought was reborn had went back into her wicked self. June of 2011, the last words I heard from her, staring me in the eye like a swards were, ” Don’t ever call her again, not ever for a Damn thing!” SO, as far as I’m concerned- she is dead to me & my life is less stressful & not having to deal with her criticizing or condemning me anymore. She has no Compassion other than material things or those who she her as being what she is not- Hypocritical to me , fake & have not one ounce of respect for her, as she has never shown to me either. She has shown me what love is not & I live a much peaceful harmony within. No more building, let that river run through it!
Patricia says
Oh Tammy, I hear that you miss the mothering that you should have had. I’m glad you’re more peaceful now.
Kelly Hoeckelberg-Young says
My goodness, this post really touched my heart and was so relatable … right down to the writing/computer issues. 🙂 I actually teared up a bit as I read it. Thank you for this important reminder.
C. Benentt says
Thank you, again. Tears…Please don’t ever stop writing these posts; I need them desperately to help me remember, remember, remember, each day, the mission I am on to be a better mother. To stop yelling at my precious son. To have more patience. To spend more time. To stop being so very frustrated so much of the time. I need help every single day; thank you so much for bringing it.
PARIS BEE kids blog says
Wow, this post really hit a chord and I am very grateful for your words. My daughter is only 9 months old but I already struggle to try to find a balance with lots of stress in different areas of my life. I would hate for her to be in the receiving line of any of my anger and I know that reevaluating some of my professional obligations would make things easier. Your story is extremely inspiring! Thank you so much for sharing it!!
xoxo PARIS BEE kids blog
liesl says
I feel like you wrote this for me. Thank you. This was the wake up I needed. I had a cereal moment this morning. I yelled. Instead of: “It’s just cereal. And milk. And sugar. But we can clean it good as new.”
Deep breath. I can only try my best. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for your courage.
Kristen says
As many others have said, I was in tears at the end of reading this post. I have just recently come to a place where I know I need to actively get better at my job, that of being a good mommy, and search out resources to help me to do so. Then someone brought this post to my attention, and I definitely feel like it was meant to be. Thank you for this incredible resource – your honesty meant so much, and inspires me to think that I really can change and that it’s not too late, that I haven’t done irreparable harm. I want to be the mom who shrugs off spilled cherrios and a tipped over glass of water because it IS so insignificant, but I find myself getting irritated all the same. Thank you so very much for this. I know I will be rereading it often over this journey of change I am embarking on.
Kirsten says
I have just read your article to my son who has just started getting in to trouble at school for being a yeller. He was simply copying the behaviour he’s seen at home for the last 8 years, so it’s not his fault at all. We shared your story and agreed that we’re both going to work hard at not being yellers anymore. We’re better than that. We’re going to do this together.
Rebecca says
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing what was on your heart. It is such an encouragement to hear other moms being real and challenging us to take a good look at what we teach our children when we aren’t paying attention.
Judy says
Great post! I’m bookmarking it for myself – to read whenever I need to be reminded that people are more important than things.
Candice says
I am so grateful to you for sharing your experience! I am going to try so much harder to not yell so much at my kids. Your words gave me hope. Thank you
AO says
So did you write this for me? Everyday I say I will not yell. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am printing this to carry with me. Pray I too can overcome this!!!!
Leah says
I saw a friend post this on fb and I decided to read it. I am so thankful that I did. I grew up in a family of yellers and many other things. And I know that is who I am and it makes me feel horrible knowing that my three kids see such an angry mommy who is also a stay at home mom. I get so frustrated at my kids because I guess I feel like they should be acting like adults. They are so young and I don’t want to be the person you described because I know its me as well. What you wrote is exactly me and it helps to hear other mom’s who struggle with this as well. I know as a Christian I am not acting like the Godly mother my kids deserve. And I can’t wait to take on this challenge today. I am so blessed by your post I cried the whole way thru it. Thank you so much for shedding light on an issue that so many of us mom’s hate admitting but need to face for our kids sake.
Ray Finkle says
I saw your article on someone’s facebook page I decided to take a quick glance. I am a father of 2 beautiful and sweet daughter’s, ages 4 and 6 months. I joke the 4 year old is 4 going on 16.
I am a yeller. My entire family is. I grew up in that environment. Through the grace of God, my wife has helped become better. But this article hit home for me. I am going through some stress outside of my immediate family and I find myself with a shorter temper and a louder voice. I should know better. Hell, I do know better. I am also distracted with work e-mail, twitter, facebook, all of it.
I thank you, as a dad, for this particular blog entry. I have a lot of growing up to do myself and it starts tonight when I get home. Here’s to quieter times.
Thank you.
Rebecca says
Boy, did I need this. I am a yeller and have been convicted of it recently. I don’t like seeing my kids wince and duck when they do something wrong. I know I need to change and your story may as well be mine up to that point. My kids (7 & 5) have started to minic the behavior and it is very obvious where they got it. I don’t like hearing it from them, and I know I have to be the one to stop first before I can expect them to stop. Dr. Misner quoted earlier something that hit me “…we realize that the other person, whom our anger is directed at, is only a secondary cause. The other person is not the real cause of our anger.” I have to apologize to my kids too often for this. I am feeling the pressure of work, home, kids, school, church…and I take it out on them. Let this be the day I start the change. Thank you for sharing your story. So many of us can relate.
ChristaJeanne says
Thank you for writing this. My mother had an explosive temper, and she screamed at me every single day of my childhood. EVERY. DAY. I’m not even exaggerating. It was both horrifying and counterproductive, because her level of anger didn’t match the scale of my crimes and follies. Anything and everything provoked screaming so bad that the dog hid under our beds. After a while, WHY she was screaming stopped mattering. We just avoided her or anything that could set her off.
And what does my mom have to show for it? Peripheral, distant relationships with her now-adult children… and I’ve spent hundreds in therapy, trying to undo the damage. Children need a stable environment. Even when parental frustration is well earned, a child doesn’t have the perspective to understand that. All they experience is that their parent is mad, and they internalize the anger as being their fault, that they ARE bad. So glad you recognized what was happening and turned that tide sooner than later.
Patricia says
I also had a mother who yelled, Christa. I’m not sure if she yelled every day but I never wanted to go home from school because I didn’t know what mood she’s be in.
I ended up as a mother myself totally horrified when I heard my own mother come out of my mouth!
So I’m glad you’ve done therapy ready for if you ever have your own children. 🙂
Jenna S. says
Thank you so much for this post. It is comforting to know other moms have the same struggles and I am inspired by your words to strive to yell at my children less. Thanks for being brave enough to share your struggles so that others can be inspired to be better moms.
Mama who worries for her little one says
Your post brought tears to my eyes…I can’t thank you enough for changing and being willing to write about that change, to help others and to give hope. I struggle, not with being the yeller, but with being married to one. I struggle, wondering what my little 22 month old is learning on a daily basis. I struggle with the distraction of not being in a healthy marriage. I talk about frustration with my little one by saying Mama is frustrated about x. Here’s what I need to do about it: …I hope I am making some sort of impact on her and am lessening what she learns from her father.
My question is how does one get across this message to her spouse, how does one encourage someone else to not be a yeller, when the other person doesn’t even see it as an issue?
Again, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write about this painful period in your life, but, most of all, for being willing to look deep inside and make the change for the better!
Liz says
Yelling is just one way of letting go of steam. It is a learned response. In order to stop yelling you have to replace it with something else or else when you become frustrated it will rise its ugly head. Your spouse needs to have other ways of expressing himself. He has learned to yell, so he can learn to not yell, but if he doesn’t know what to do it will return. Sometimes just showing another different ways of responding can be enough to get them to change. But remember, as much as his yelling is a bad influence, your way of dealing with things is a positive influence, so don’t underestimate your own modeling.
Dawn says
Words cannot express my reflection, my sadness, my wishing I could unring those bells, & my love for my children and asking their forgiveness. Wow. Ouch!
I believe that there should be “major qualifications” to being a parent…one must get licensed for so many other less than this important things.
A job “at times I wasn’t qualified for”!
Andrea says
Thanks for this post… it made me tear up reading it, because I know I have the same issues in my home. You have inspired me and encouraged me with this post. So glad you posted it even though it was hard. I am so proud of you and thankful for this post.
Emily says
Thank you. I too am a yeller. I use to be a screamer. I have been working hard at being peaceful but not hard enough. I have been pleading with God to help me. Some days the anger just wells in me and I explode into yelling and it becomes very hard to stop. I see your post as a direct answer to my prayers, now on to check out the orange rhino. Thank you.
Kim says
Wow. That is truly what I needed after this last week of pure insanity. I myself have a six and three year old daughters and your article sounds like it was written about me and my girls.
Thank-you for your truly inspirational words. You have given me hope for today and the days to come. I thank-you for that and I think your an amazing women to come out and write about what so many women go through on a daily basis. Not only with themselves being “yellers” but having do deal with spouses that are.
I grew up with a VERY angry Father and it makes me so angry that his horrific traits have been picked up and used by me. How can I be so weak?
I know how completely terrifying it was a child growing up but now i’m a full grown women with two beautiful little girls and I see more then I want of my Dads traits.
After this I feel the weakness dissipating and my new strength shining through.
Thank-you from the bottom of my heart!!
Susan says
Thank you for this post. You are so correct.For me; when I don’t get enough sleep and feel overwhelmed it’s easy to yell. And like you stated, it’s behind closed doors with the people we love the most. Thank you.
Brooks Nelson says
Thank you so much for this. I came across it on Facebook and I am so glad I took the time to read it. I am just about 38 weeks pregnant and I have been very crabby and short with my 3 other children. I was sick at the first, had a few weeks of feeling good and then my ribs started hurting as the baby got bigger, and the heartburn started in and I was always exhausted. It’s been a very rough pregnancy for me. Anyways, I’ve always gotten after my kids for stuff, but it’s been a lot worse the last 5-6 months. A few weeks ago I realized how bad it had gotten and I’ve been trying to be better, but WOW does it take a LOT of Love & Patience. I have the Love, Patience, not so much. 🙂 It’s a work in progress.
Jen says
Oh mama. Thank you for posting this. I am a yeller, or rather a recovering yeller. The other day I threw what was basically a tantrum, shouting, swearing, and turned to see my 6 year old’s son face contorted as he burst into tears. It was like a knife to the heart. I had been frustrated by my 3 year old’s playdough mess and constant whining and just lost it. Before that day I felt bad about yelling, but it never seemed to illicit a response from the kids so I assumed they pretty much ignored me.
I’ve had 2 good days. I started to raise my voice today and I could see the fear and disappointment in my eldest child’s eyes. I calmed down. I let them eat popsicles in the garage right before dinner.
Greg Carttar says
I was a Dad in the middle of a divorce, and the disintegrating domestic situation was getting to me. The details are not important, but I lost it one day and started yelling like a maniac…not at my 4 year old daughter, not at something she had done – I was yelling at or about other people but she was within my sphere at the moment….I had the same epiphany: there she was cowering on the floor of the car behind the drivers seat waiting for it to be over. And it changed me.
Now…..does that mean that when she became a teenager and made hideous decisions that I never fought with her? No. Does it mean that in those fights that we were not screaming at each other? No it does not.
What it means is that when it was over, we both thought about it and within a few more minutes we were talking about the situation, and after a little while we came to an accommodation. Sometimes I won, sometimes she won. But we talked. As a parent dealing with a teen, there are times that you MUST win.
With a teenager that can communicate with you, and who can reconsider their own actions, there is the luxury of stepping back and both of you thinking about it and cooling off. Then because you love each other, the possibility of talking it out. It’s part of the boundaries/expectations process.
You don’t have that luxury with a small child, and you have to fight it. You run the risk of creating a person who is so adverse to conflict that they will learn to give in and not stand their ground when they need to.
She is a parent herself now 20+ years hence, and finds herself in the same situation, grappling with the same self-realization with her own kids.
In fact, I was driven to this blog by her posting her own epiphany about it.
So, thank you for your post, and for revealing your journey.
And yes, I teared up also remembering that day and that look, which I will never forget.
All my best.
Erin says
Thank you for this beautiful perspective. I have a four-year-old son and twins on the way, and I was able to step back and see my son in a whole new light tonight. Thank you for that peace.
Shannon Adams says
Wow, I think God must be trying to hit me on the head with this subject 🙂 This is the third thing today I have read regarding this topic and I have been struggling with this myself. I have a 7, 6, 4 and 20 month old and have been finding myself getting more and more into those annoyed/aggravated yelling situations. I definitely notice it more when things become super busy in the household and that is a big reason why I only allow my children one sport/season. I really appreciate this blog and my eyes are now open. I definitely don’t want to shut out my kids and that is for sure the road I am going down if I continue. Thank you!!!! Hopefully now that I am really aware and my eyes are open I can begin the change. I know it isn’t going to be easy but it definitely is a change that needs to be made. My mom was a yeller and I was stuck as a 12 year old babysitting my younger siblings all the time and that is when the yelling started for me, who listens to their older sibling?
Stefani says
I am speechless because there are not words to describe my gratitude for your story. I am a yeller, my mom was a yeller and I HATED it! I am very inspired to changes! Thank you!
Caity says
I am also a blogger. I chose to write through my PPD after I had my son, and I had a lot of women tell me how inspiring my writing was.
Now I know how they felt. Thank you for sharing this. You’re brave to open up like you did.
Heather says
I am in tears right now after reading your post and so many of the comments. I am a yeller as well. When I do pause and think about it, I always end up in tears. I wonder, “Why do I yell all of the time?” And I do feel like I yell all of the time. When I’m yelling, it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s my exes fault for having an affair and leaving me as a single parent. It’s the children’s fault because I have already told them 100 times to do something and they didn’t (or vice versa). It’s the baby’s fault because he wants to be held just about all of the time. But really, it’s none of those reasons. Usually, it’s just because there’s something else I’d rather be doing. And usually it’s not at all important. And certainly not my children’s fault! All too often, I take my anger and frustration out on whomever’s around, and 90% of the time, it’s my children. But they didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I chose to have them and raise them. It’s my responsibility to teach them right from wrong. They’re not just supposed to know it. I mean, I didn’t just already know everything. I had to learn it. And I’m still learning, even being 30 years old! Also, It really hurts when my mom and sisters say something to me for yelling when they do the same thing. I’m not saying that because they do it, then it’s okay for me. But I don’t judge them or criticize them for it. I recognize it as them being frustrated and maybe needing someone to step in and help out by giving them a break. I need support from them, not fingers pointing at me. I HAVE to learn to LET GO of so many little things, too. I have OCD, so that’s a big issue for me…..Ugh! Anyway, thank you for sharing this. I now have “The Orange Rhino…” that you recommended open in another tab. Heading there next. Well, after I put the kids in bed. After reading this, I think I may beed to limit myself to getting on the computer only after they are in bed for the night. And only staying on for 30 minutes to an hour, max!
Sigi says
Wow very deep and inspiring, I’m saving this on my phone so I can read it and have it as a reminder. I grew up in a house where yelling was just the way it was. My mother yelled at us kids so we yelled at each other and when I had my kids it just stayed with me. I hate yelling at them. I really don’t like the person I am when I yell! After reading this I was truly moved and I will do as much as I can to work on my bad “habit”.
Thank you thank you
Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone you don’t know. Hit home for sure
Kelly says
You have NO IDEA how badly I needed this post today! Since becoming a mother to a very difficult high need child, I have become stressed out and a total yeller. I am not normally that way. However, the last 2.5 years have been horrible and I have also realized that my son fears me. Now we have a 7 month old as well. I hate that I yell and I can’t help but wonder if I have already done the damage. I really really really needed to hear this. It is so inspiring and wonderful to hear of your success and that it is not too late. I can do this! Thank you thank you thank you!
Sophie says
Thank you. I had a good cry after reading this. I needed to read this and I’m so grateful that you shared your story.
EEO says
Thanks for this. I know every mom thinks they are the only ones who yell and then feel horrible about how it makes them feel. So thankful that no matter what background we are from, all moms can support each other 🙂
jodi says
Tearing up?!?! Not a chance – I’m sitting here bawling right now. I, too, am a yeller who is in the process of trying to stop and your words hit me like a brick to the chest. You mention being “irritated.” I, too get irritated. You say you realized you weren’t the mother you wanted to be. Me neither.
I have always had that same feeling after I’ve yelled – that I hated myself for it. So I have been trying to do/be better…to be more loving and compassionate.
I’ve had a difficult year and just recently decided to quit my job and go back to working from home. I can’t wait! I am hopeful that this change will help me get a better grip on myself to be more in control of my emotions when dealing with my children and their mishaps and frustrating moments. My children are the two people whom I love more than life itself and they teach me every day about the person I want to be. They are the best things that have ever happened to me and I want them to FEEL how much I love them…all the time – not just when they are being good. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your word. I will read the Orange Rhino. Today I am taking the first real concerted effort in not yelling anymore. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and inspiration.
Abbie Santos-Dulay says
Thank you sis for sharing this. I was crying the whole time I was reading this as I felt like you were describing me. I too have two daughters three and ten, who have recently been suffering my yelling as unwittingly I have been metamorphosing into this horrible person. I thank God for you for this wake-up call. God bless you dear.
ash says
Wow, this is very inspiring and it makes me feel like I’m not alone, sometimes we ask too much of ourselves, we must always remember that we are human and allow ourselves the time off and breaks we need! I just started a blog with some other moms and I want to write about motherhood from a different light.. this light, where we can feel free to admit that we screw up too and that nobody is perfect! Thank you for sharing this, i really enjoyed it!
CJ says
Amazing story…thank you. I was an extreme teller and relate to many if the things that you said. I almost lost my wife and children because of it. No yelling for me anymore, just peace and calm. My life has never been better. July will be one year without losing my temper.
Liz says
I was reminded of myself when I read this. I too began parenting by losing it and yelling. Then one day my three year old looked at me, covered her ears with her hands, and said “you are hurting my ears”.
I remember standing there and thinking this is no different than hitting her (which I would never do, nor did I ever) but I was ‘hurting’ her in a different way…..to the core of her being.
I too changed my ways, and spent many minutes in the bathroom counting to ten, but I stopped yelling. Actually over the years I have become a much gentler spirit, very slow to anger. Mind you my child is a grown woman now, but she doesn’t yell and her relationships are very quiet gentle ones, with great empathy and compassion. Thanks for reminding me how far I have come as a human being…….and thanks for having the courage to be so honest….
Lisa says
A very touching, moving and inspirational piece. Something I will try harder at moving forward as we all get lost in the mundane day-to-day that you forget we should be nicest to the ones we love. Lisa
Anna says
I just read this at work, and as soon as I got to the quiet talk time where the daughter comforted the mother I lost it. (at work! LOL)
I too am a yeller, even though I try so hard not to, as I would NEVER hurt my kids, I love them more than life itself, but when I yell I really let it fly. I see the fear in my kids’ faces too, and it just kills me and leaves me miserable all day/night afterward. I think the Orange Rhino sounds awesome.
I’M IN.
Jenny says
I saw this article posted on a friend’s Facebook page, right after I had just finished yelling at my kids. I’m a yeller, I learned it from my mom. I don’t know how to stop. I want to stop. I see them flinch. My son even knows the cues as to when I’m going to yell and puts his hands on his ears. It breaks my heart. I berate myself and tell myself it has to stop, this is not how they should live. But, then the next incident happens and I forget that I shouldn’t yell until it’s too late. That’s how I feel, it’s too late. Too many years of yelling and not enough will power to stop. I hope that after reading this article I can reform myself, learn to count to 10 and put myself in a time out. I’m going to try it this weekend, we are heading out for a family trip. Relaxing, spending some time together away from the craziness our lives have been lately. I’ve asked my husband to read this article as well, a yeller also, but not as much as me. Maybe together we can keep each other in check and make it through a whole weekend without yelling. That would at least be a step in the right direction.
Liz says
Jenny, I just had to respond to your comment b/c it reminded me of me when my children were young. I was a yeller and hated it when I did it but didn’t know how to stop. Then I learnt that in order to stop something you have to make a decision to replace it by doing something else. If you have a plan and something that you can replace it with you are less likely to yell. My plan was that I would go to the bathroom and close the door and take a few deep breaths. I also told my daughter that Mommy didn’t want to yell any more and that I was going to try not to….the next time I did she covered her ears and said “you are hurting my ears” between these two things I can honestly say I stopped yelling. So make a plan of what you are going to do instead of yelling the next time…..sending positive energy to you in your attempt to find better ways to get rid of frustration…..:)
Meg says
absolutely beautiful. thank you for so honestly sharing your experience; it hits me deep. so inspiring and hits the chord of my own experiences on the path of motherhood.
MyBrokenFiat says
Resharing this – incredibly perfect. Bless you for your strength (in both changing the behavior and sharing your experience). It’s motivated me to really try harder at being more patient with my son. <3
Mary - Charmed By Wine says
A friend of mine posted your entry on facebook. I don’t know much about you or your family, nor am I a parent…but i DID grow up in a single-parent household and there are some days I have no idea how my mom kept it together. In fact, I remember days where she didn’t.
There is something so powerful about letting your kids see YOU. If you show vulnerability (as you did in the car), you give them the opportunity to learn compassion and understanding – and to notice that you need ‘time outs’ too.
More importantly, by not yelling when something goes wrong – you teach your children how to properly assess and fix a catastrophe or problem. When rice spills all over the kitchen, you have the opportunity to show your children that the proper reaction is “oh darn….all that will go to waste. That’s a shame…well, how should we clean this up?” and then to focus on the fix, rather than the problem. When faced with real-life issues, your children then have a better chance to focus on solution-based thoughts rather than dwelling on the issues and being so afraid to fail. Life is messy – it’s all about how well you can bounce back and clean up the messes!
Judging by the coffee pot that I accidentally smashed on the tile floor today (and the swearing/yelling that DIDN’T happen), I think my mom taught me well. =)
andrea says
just said to my partner, “that was one of the best articles i’ve ever read”. teared up. i’m not a yeller but we all get overwhelmed sometimes and this was a lovely reminder to be conscious of our children’s feelings before we behave in a way that may not serve our relationship. thank you x
AnnG says
Wow!! Sitting here crying, cuz I find myself yelling far more than I should. Not enjoying my son as much as I should. Not being the mom I always wanted to be cuz I’m frustrated about one thing or another in life!! Thanks for sharing this tonight. I needed it more than I want to admit!
Clarissa Davila says
Just beautiful. Exactly what I am going through right now. 🙂 Thank you.
Erin says
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s hard going to bed at night loaded with guilt about the number of times I “lost it” in front of my two kids (ages 5 and 3). They are happy, caring, fun little people and I certainly don’t want my yelling to change them in any way. So, thank you…this is just what I needed to read! Tomorrow is a brand new day….I’m kicking “yelling” to the curb!
Geneviève says
Amazing post. I’m speechless… Thank you.
Briana says
Ooh. This was convicting. Growing up in my house, anger was always the de facto emotion for both of my parents. Not that they were abusive or anything, but any accident or small incident they’d blow up over. I remember my 7th gr. teacher giving me a note to take home saying I had a D mid- quarter in class because the project that was a large part of my grade hadn’t been presented yet (it was the schedule, not anything I could have done). I told her, ‘I can’t take this home’. She was like, ‘I had to give it to you, cause technically I had to calculate the grades this way – just explain to your parents; parents are usually very understanding’. My mom was not understanding. I forged her signature. There was never an excuse in her book for that sort of thing.
And now I find I am the parent who blows up over things. Not accidents really – I think my mom did because of the ‘surprise’ that comes when an accident occurs. I do have a small measure of patience, but for me, a lot of noise tends to overload me, particularly if there are two or more sources. It’s not that I’m necessarily irritated – it just overloads my senses – like too much sensory information or something, overwhelms and confuses me. I have also seen my child afraid of getting in trouble with me. I do try to make a point to apologize and ask forgiveness when I feel like I’ve gone overboard, and I do feel like my son and I frequently connect and have decent dialogue, but considering my emotional default has always been anger for everything (pain, surprise, frustration, disappointment, insecurity, confusion, etc.) I really feel helpless against it sometimes. I actually yelled at my poor child for throwing up in the car the other day – I’m so stressed this year with my husband gone for a year’s deployment and had needed to go to the grocery store desperately that night, but then couldn’t because he was sick and (being a military wife) had no one I could leave him with. This whole year has been hard, but I was a ‘yeller’ before this. I hope someday I will be able to have display control and patience. I do try to be careful of how many activites and responsibilities we take on. I think for me a lot of it is becoming more organized so I can help limit the number of stressful ‘freak-out’ situations. Please pray for me.
Jenn says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has really encouraged me!!
Mary says
This brought tears to my eyes. I can relate so much as I came from a family of yellers and a few years ago I realized I was doing the same thing. It is a slow change but one I work on all the time to improve. What you say is so important. Why would we hurt and berate the people we love most in the world? I often think that and know that I would never be mad at or yell at a co worker or a spouse like I did sometimes to my children. This post will help many see the light, well done!
Lorraine says
This article struck such a chord with me – and I sent it to my husband, and him too. Thank you so much. We are both committed to stop.
Bernice Allen says
I really did need to read that today! I have been working on that as well! Sometimes I feel alone in it. I am so glad to know I am in good company of recovering yellers, “Hello, my name is Bernice and I am a yeller!”
AM Smith says
This is just what my heart needed to hear today. I don’t know how I became “that” person, I never used to be, ever. Thank you for sharing. I felt so alone in this.
Julie says
Thank you for sharing. I literally cried.
Lea says
If I stop yelling, can I still throw things to make a point? I don’t know if I can give up BOTH.
Seriously though, this is commendable and each year it’s on my list of new year’s resolutions. Good luck!
Julieanne Case says
I was raised by a yelling mother. I refused to have children out of fear of being like her. When I was babysitting my nieces, one of them took my only 5 minutes of ‘my time’ and I yelled at her! Within 10 minutes, I called her to me and I explained what I had planned to do, that she had managed to change those 5 minutes plan. I explained what had happened in a factual manner. Then apologized to her for yelling at her. I did say she did do what I said but I could have handled it better. I realized at that moment I would have been a different mom than my own. But that’s okay. I could be a better one to my niece and later my grandkids from another mother!
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Reconnecting you to your Original Blueprint, Your Essence, Your Joy| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | The Reconnection| Reconnective Art |
http://thereconnectivehighway.com
Candice says
Wow! I am SO very thankful that God led me to your link! I can’t get over how this message was so very designed for me to read this very moment! I know the feeling of loosing valuable information that can no long be retrieved on the computer, such utter disgust and anger, but you’re so right about yelling about the ones we love the most…our sweet little, innocent kids. True, I know that we’re human and we all have a boiling point, but they don’t deserve the yelling because it 1. makes them feel so cruddy because you can see it in their discouraged eyes and 2. makes them yellers themselves.
A bit about me: Stay@home Mommy of two. A little cupcake who is 4 and my prince who is 3. Well, while I’m extremely thankful to be able to nurture their minds, body and spirit…the house work, cooking and all those other lovely chores I have can be a bit redundant and overwhelming. My husband works 12 hr days so I’m home with them pretty much all the time. We do some family stuff on the weekend, but my husband is usually busy doing things that he can’t do during the week, opening mail, cutting grass, etc. In any event, when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am easily annoyed and frustrated and it comes out on them which is so wrong. I’ve recently had my daughter cry at the anticipation of my disappointment and I felt like crap. I love my cubs more than my next breath and I am stopping the yelling from this day forward. If it means me having to escape to the bathroom for a few minutes to blow off some steam or punch some pillows, so be it. They are such sweet little beings and we as parents are in charge of who they become. Sorry, I typed way more than I thought I would but I TRULY am thankful for this wonderful message tonight. God Bless all who read this.
Janice B says
THANK YOU!
amber brockett says
Hi,
I would just like to say this is exactly how im feeling in my life right now… im becoming overwhelmed with life and everything else … i really feel like i need to talk to someone about my life right now but not sure where to start.. i also feel like i should print out this post and take it with me… i feel like you are talking about me… i cried reading the part about you yelling over stuff that doesn’t even matter… i yell all day long.. over stupid things… i don’t want to be this person… i love my babies but its just so hard to not get mad about spilled juice when you have a million other things that need to get done and you have to stop and clean that now on top of everything… if you have any advice about books, websites, or classes i can take i would love some direction… thank you so much for this post … its really helped me
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Amber,
Thank you for your honesty. I commend you for reaching out and asking for practical advice. I really hope I can help you. It is clear how much you love your children and want to make different choices when you are upset. I shared these earlier in the comment thread, but there are so many wonderful comments that they may have gotten lost. I am re-posting hoping maybe there is something that will resonate with you. I have also added to the list as readers have offered some tips. These are not in a particular order:
1. My ability to better control my anger changed when I started thinking of my harmful words hitting my children like a car colliding with an object and causing irreparable damage, i.e.; “The Moment of Impact.” This is a portion of what I once wrote:
“And I can sense when a collision is coming. When sibling bickering, messy bedroom floors, and bad attitudes are about to collide with my foul mood, my sleep-deprived state of mind, or my threadbare patience. And when those factors intersect, that moment of impact cannot be undone.
So just like a driver who is anticipating a damaging collision with another vehicle, I let off the gas … I pull back … I pause to avoid permanent damage. In those moments when I am about to yell or explode, I remain silent just long enough for the angry words to dissipate. I hold the words under my tongue for just a few moments until the moment is past. I have discovered that even a few seconds of pause can prevent tragic results.
2. In times of challenge, I try to look at their faces and remember they are children. They are children who learn by making mistakes. They are children who trust me to care for them and love them. And just taking that moment to look at them, really look at them, and even see them as babies again, I am able to grab some perspective. But most of all, just taking that PAUSE just long enough to THINK about what I am about to say, helps me choose a more calm response.
3. Realize we will make mistakes. Yes, there will be days when we yell. But I have learned it is powerful to say, “I am sorry I yelled. I didn’t handle my anger very well. Will you forgive me?” This teaches children we are human. We make mistakes, we admit them, learn from them, and try to do better. You might explain if there was something they were doing or not doing that contributed to your outburst. Such as, “Mommy asked you to — and when you don’t listen, it is very frustrating to Mommy. I am sorry I yelled, but you would help me by doing what I ask.” And when your children DO what you ask the first time, be sure and point that out. “I love how you listened when I said take your hands off your sister. Thank you. It makes me feel much better when I don’t yell.”
4. Inform your children what you are working on. I think that telling children, “I am trying not to yell. Here are the ways you can help me …” My children love it when I let them encourage me in my struggles. I did this when I was trying not to use my phone in the car. My children loved to encourage me and remind me of my goal.
5. This is an idea from Tonya at http://4littlefergusons.wordpress.com: “We implemented a Yell Jar 2 months ago for this very purpose. There is about $20 in the yell jar, I put in $ when I yell and the kids put money in too when they yell at a sibling.”
6. One of the commenters said this: “I knew I also needed a constant tangible reminder. I tried painting my nails blue (thanks to Orange Rhino!), but the paint chipped off and so did my resolve. Then I stumbled across a company on the Awesomely Awake blog (http://awesomelyawake.com) that makes silver bracelets with hand-stamped mantras. http://www.mymantraband.com. Anyway, after one particularly stressful day filled with those normal mishaps and typical kid issues you mentioned, I showed them to my husband and said “THIS is what I need for Mother’s Day”. He bought me two (bless him): “Live in the moment” and “Peace comes from within”. I have been wearing them every day, and the soft jingle jangle sound reminds me of the path I have chosen. It’s such a simple reminder, I love that sound :>. Of course it’s not easy, I still have my moments, but it’s only been a few weeks and I am in it for the long haul.”
7. I would recommend giving yourself grace as much as possible. Not beating yourself up when you do slip. Even if you can reduce the yelling, that is significant and your children will see that you are trying. This makes a difference. Yelling is often our first response. Try as much as you can to choose the second response. This piece will hopefully inspire you to celebrate the choices you are making to show up and do your best each day. https://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/07/today-i-lived-and-you-did-too/
8. Be sure to check out the Orange Rhino Challenge to curb yelling. http://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ I love her quote here: “I was just saying the other night how sometimes a little extra love really helps me to get my boys to listen. They like to feel loved and I love to give love. Sometimes it is hard to in the heat of the moment, but it is always easy to remember how great it felt to handle a tough situation with a little more love.” -The Orange Rhino
9. A reader recommended the book and said it was extremely helpful to her although I have not read it myself. “She’s Gonna Blow” http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Gonna-Blow-Dealing-Anger/dp/0736915524
10 This article has three really good ideas, including the whisper technique to use when angry which many readers have mentioned: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/stop-yelling/
I taught children with behavior issues for 9 years. Those children could really push my buttons, but yet I never yelled at them. I was able to get them to do what was expected without yelling. I tried to focus on their positive actions as much as possible and praise them for all the good actions I saw. Of course, I know from experience, it is harder to be patient with our own children, but I know it is possible to be heard and listened to without yelling. Next week on my blog, I will be sharing a strategy that I use in my home that helps encourage my children to do what they are told (and lots of extra helping behaviors) without raising my voice. It will be next week’s post so I hope you will come back and read.
Above all, remember that each day offers a chance to try again. Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time and celebrate each and every time you choose a normal tone of voice instead of a yelling voice. Each time is a success. Tell your family what you are trying to do. Tell them how they can help and support you. Tell them how important they are to you. Please don’t wait one more day. You will look back a year from now and this will be a day in your life you never will forget. You will be so glad you took this step. You are not alone. There is hope.
Jen says
This was such a perfect post. Thanks for writing it.. One of the best parenting articles I’ve read in a long time.
Becky says
Thank you so much for sharing – as I sit here crying- it’s nice to know I’m not the only mom who yells. I also don’t know how I became “that” person, never used to be and I don’t want to be. I’m working hard to stop yelling – I hate how out of control it makes me feel and how much it hurts my children. I also hate that my children (8 & 10) are becoming yellers now. It breaks my heart when my children write me letters and tell me how I’m the best mom in the world and they love me and that they know I love them even when I’m mean! Ugh! Talk about a wake up call! Sometimes I wish there was a reset button in parenting. I wish I could go back several years and just redo so many things (and prevent myself from becoming a yeller!). I don’t enjoy my sons as much as I should and it’s all so overwhelming sometimes. But working hard to make changes…taking it all just one day at a time, sometimes just one moment at a time and working so hard to just breathe before opening my mouth. Working hard to remember that they are sweet, innocent, curious, adventurous boys who are going to make messes, be noisy, make mistakes, etc. and that’s just life and it’s ok! Thank God children are resilient and loving and forgiving. I just keep hoping that I can make lasting changes in myself and in them. I want them to remember our home as a safe haven, full of laughter and fun; a place where they always felt loved and accepted. I don’t want them to remember me as a yeller.
Jill says
Wonderful, powerful post and blog overall. I am not a mother, but many of these lessons can be applied to ones life either way.
Wanted to write though, on how proud you should be of yourself. See, I’m the kid on the flipside. I’m what happens to the kid whose parent doesn’t see the fear in their child’s eyes, or take stock of why you are yelling, of what’s happening to our relationship, or my emotional needs. I’m all grown up now, but have much pain and heartache about my childhood, so much so that I’ve never felt its something I should ever do myself, because I would never want my child to go through what I did. I know just saying that means I probably wouldn’t have been exactly the same, but I just couldn’t.
My mother is the first person who broke my heart. Sounds awful, and I am continuing to come to terms with much of what happened, but it’s true. I just wanted to be loved unconditinally. To be seen as someone she wanted to love. I did whatever I could just to be loved – no matter the criticism, judgement, and degradation. Your post before this one had me sobbing controllably – Jeremy. I relate to Jeremy. That was me – and I didn’t even recognize what that kid did – I just wanted everything to be good for so long I ignored it was so bad. Plus, it was what i thought was normal. In some ways it’s awful that it haunts you, but in some ways it’s good – that at least something good came out of something so bad. If I were Jeremy, that is what I’d want you to know. That at least someone saw me. Someone got it. You probably have no idea what a profound effect you had on his life. Someone seeing him for at least a short amount of time, would have provided him with the hope that things can be better. To look for that for himself. That he didn’t have to feel that way. I have encountered people like you in moments since I was little – from people i knew longer, and even many strangers – I lapped up recognition from strangers – in a moment they saw something, me, when my mom never did. And even all the way up to my thirties, they have all changed my life by the little things they did, giving me hope and a moment of comfort, something to hang onto to maybe one day believing I was worth something. It’s a life long journey, the hurt goes so deep. But it does get better, and I’ve gotten better at recognizing the right people to surround myself with who do see me, and to seek help for myself to let go of the pain and move on (still a process).
But, I just wanted you to know, from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of all the Jeremy’s out there, congrats and thank you for what you are doing. It is enough to know that something changed for someone, upon seeing our pain. It’s enough. The gifts you are giving your children are amazing, along with you bravery to share – keeps giving. Have you ever read Brene Brown? She and you have similar philosophies – just different starting points.
Anyway, if you do read these comments, it makes me happy there are moms like you out there. Keep on keeping on.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Jill, I cherish the comments from my readers and most of the time, I can write a quick note back to everyone and thank them for taking time to comment. This time, there are so many incredible comments, and although I cannot write back to everyone, I am reading every single one of them with tears of happiness and hope. The response to this post has been remarkable, and I am so honored by the truths, wisdom, and insights people are sharing here to help someone else. Your words touch my heart. Truly, you have given me a gift to know that you think I did help Jeremy by seeing him and all his beautiful traits. I think about him every day. Your story is so powerful and so moving. I am so sorry for the pain you endured growing up. You have overcome so much and for you to take the time to encourage me the way you have, well, it says so much about the person you are. I am incredibly honored that you think Brene Brown and I have similiar philosophies. She is one of my heroes — I have learned so much about living authentically from her. Thank you for this incredibly meaningful comment. I will remember your words always. And I will keep on keeping on, my friend. Thanks for fueling me.
Kat says
Some floodgate opened reading this. It’s painful to acknowledge that I cannot remember a time when I didn’t yell or live in a cloud of distraction. I can, however, vividly picture that same look of fear in my own children’s faces. My anger became my son’s and a bond was broken that may never be mended. All the pieces of my heart hope to not continue to make the same mistakes with my daughter. Thank you for your post. Tomorrow is day 1.
Patty says
wow…..very powerful…as Oprah would say an eye opening moment…as I type I am crying not just tears streaming down my face, but sobbing! I have two sons ages 22 and 16, and for the most part I had a lot of patience. We had our moments but nothing like the yelling I do with my 12 year old niece and I am sorry Briana! I love her with my whole heart. I have full legal custody of her. She is so precious and she has been through way too much and my yelling due to stress and stupid things and some that aren’t so stupid … but she is just a girl — a 12 year old girl that has more on her plate that most adults could handle. I am going to try to do better. I am stressed, she is stressed…it’s a mess. Briana is the daughter of my brother Tom, who is incarcerated he will be out in a few years. Her mother was in jail as well. She is out now trying to get her life on track —- Briana has a 20 year old brother who is in jail and she a 5 year old brother, Brandon and twin sisters that are almost 3! Briana is the only one that is my brother’s daughter. I was in the delivery room when Briana was born. And not bc her mother and I were friends but bc her dad couldn’t make it and she had no one and I was there and it was AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL…and she was perfect… her parents were always in and out of trouble…so she lived with me and my family and all was fine. Her dad lived there too, when he wasn’t in jail and her mom would take her often. But it was my pleasure to have her, she was like one of my own…she was potty trained. She was starting pre-school and doing well and no bottle or pacifier. Her motor skills were way advanced and she was smart and beautiful and perfect. But she wasn’t mine, and when her mother decided to take her one day out of anger…there was nothing I could do except cry and worry and miss her! The next 6 years my brother and I fought to get custody or at least visitation — When I say we he was there, I paid the attorney and he wanted her with us and he loved her and wanted her safe. But that was easy for him to want it takes more than that. At the age of 9 both her parents ended up getting in big trouble with the law and had to do jail time. They were not a couple and the crimes were not related. My nieces mother wanted her to stay with her stepfather and three younger siblings. Children and Youth were involved Briana was in the foster care system (I became her foster (parent). Her mom fought me hard but she was on drugs. Her husband although not a bad guy was an alcoholic, who lived with his parents. This little girl was a mess, but you would never know it. She is a tiny little one, but she is mighty. She was told by her mother what to say in court that she wanted to be with daddy Drew and the her siblings. And her dad wanted her to chose her stepmother and her other brother….little Dennis — my nephew. My lawyer was so annoyed with me bc I refused to make her chose, or put any extra pressure on her she was 9…a little tiny 9 and her whole world was crashing around her. Her world may have been a mess but it was still her world. And she was more like a mother to those kids then a sister. My niece stood up in that court room and with bravery that I have NEVER witnessed in my life and chose herself! She said, I want to live with my aunt Pat! I was as shocked as her mother! I knew she was told what to say maybe even threatened. But in the end, she knew what was best for her. Briana has been abused in every sense of the word….I can’t go there right now! But she is a survivor and she stood there and said I want my aunt Pat, she said, “Mommy, please don’t be mad at me!” My heart couldn’t feel happy or even relief that I knew she’d be safe with me bc I felt her pain! All that being said…Yes, she is safe, she has her own room (which is a complete mess and I am always yelling and nagging at her about it). She has her iPhone and iPod and her laptop….all those material things are not her mom and dad. I took her to see her siblings every other week end and to visit her parents in jail every 12 weeks. It was a five hour drive each way. I did everything that I thought was right for her – by her. She went to 4th grade here, and when she started 5th grade, she said “I have never been to the same school two grades in a row”! And now she almost done 6th grade, with great grades and loves school. She plays the drums, she plays softball, she does gymnastics and she is a natural at all of it! But she drives me crazy. She has had and is counseling. Briana was on a narcotic when I got her — it was not necessary, she was told what to say to get it and she got it, and it was not administered properly. Her mother was using it and selling it and not sending the proper dosages to school that is ONE of the way children and youth got involved the school nurse — finally someone saw something and reported it! We saw a doctor she was weaned off of it and she now takes Strattera 18 mg once per day – NON NARCOTIC…..she wouldn’t have needed anything if her parents hadn’t messed up her life. I want to give her everything, but the materialistic things that she has don’t make her or I feel good on the inside……I am going to talk to her tomorrow and we are going to try to do better together starting tomorrow Aunt Pat, is going to yell less. I love you with my whole entire heart Briana! Aunt Pat is so sorry! Thank you for writing this article and thank God for letting me come across it and have my Ah Ha moment!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You are a very special lady, Patty. Your heart is so clearly one of giving and compassion. This situation couldn’t have been easy on you and anyone in your shoes may have lost their temper too. It is so clear that you now have a newfound awareness and commitment to choosing a more peaceful response with precious Briana. She is very blessed to have you in her life. Remember to give yourself grace. Remind yourself of all the positives you have brought to her life — there are so many. You are an inspiration to me. I wish you only the best, dear one.
Patty says
Thank you so much. I am the lucky one! I wouldn’t be able to breathe let alone sleep if I didn’t know she was safe here with me. But going to go about a few things differently. She is going to be so happy when we talk. She likes our one on one time. Love my Briana! Again, thank you for the article…..I have no words…except …. thank you for helping us!
No "Mom of the Year" Here says
How did I get so caught up in trying to be the perfect mother that I actually did things I despised out of frustration? Frustrated and yelling at my second child because I was so afraid of what I didn’t understand about a child who NEVER slept and cried ALL the time during her first three years that I created a monster….and that monster was me. It is a constant struggle to forgive myself and not revert back to the endless yelling. I hope that she and her siblings will be able to move beyond whatever obstacles I have created for them by being a mother that yelled. Reading this post has hit a nerve that is very tender, raw and runs right through the middle of my heart. It most definitely brings much guilt and shame that needs to be released. Thank you for helping me to let go of a little more of my regret with a good cry and another gentle look at who was, who I am, and who I long to be. One day I will be able to hold my head high and claim victory over a monster that seems familiar, but I no longer recognize. Have a beautiful, peaceful day.
Jeremy says
This soon to be papa-bear, is very glad you wrote and shared this. I can imagine it was hard to own up to all of these feelings, but it gives me permission to do so for myself. Thank you for sharing, and bearing your heart. You care so much, and the world (me included), your family, and you are better for it.
Amanda says
I have 3 kids under the age of 5. I’ve had 6 surgeries in the last 4 years, and I’ve recently been diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and chronic fatigue. I take lots of meds just so I can function as a mom and wife. None of these are excuses for yelling, but with being in pain everyday and feeling so tired, the kids wear me down very quickly. And my patients run thin. And on top of it all, my 4 year old has severe ADHD. Emphasis on the H. I strive to be a good mom, but feel as though I’m failing every minute of every day! It’s something I’m in prayer about all the time. I found this post so helpful. And extremely heart warming that I’m not the only mom to have the same feelings. Thank you for your honesty! Many blessings!!!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Amanda, your strength is very inspiring to me. The fact that despite all that you are going through and have gone through, you want to do all you can to be there for your children. That is significant and important. Take a minute and celebrate that, friend. I have something I want to share with you. I wrote it when I was working with severely behavior disordered children and it was the hardest time in my life to just show up at school each day. But I did. And later I learned it meant something significant to the children. One boy with a severe attachment disorder even said, “I love you, Mrs. Stafford,” which was unheard of for him to express love or bond with another person. Anyway, our situations are totally different but I think my poem may give your strength and hope. I would love to just give you a big hug.
There are Days
There are days when we want to beat our head against the wall, when we scream into our pillow, and leave tears upon the steering wheel.
There are days when we feel there is no more left to give, when we want to throw in the towel and admit, “I can’t do this anymore.”
There are days when the words spoken in our head are words we never want another soul to hear.
Those days are not pretty.
But despite the inner turmoil, fear, frustration, and sheer exhaustion we experience, we do something extraordinary.
We show up.
And we keep showing up.
Because we know someone is counting on us.
And when that someone sees us showing up, it means more than we even know.
Then one day, maybe sooner that we think, when every sacrifice we ever made and every tear we ever cried will be exchanged for something wondrous.
Maybe it will be a tender word, an apologetic embrace, an expression of joy–whatever it is, we will know because it is the moment we have been waiting for, perhaps praying for.
In that moment, we will shine at the one we love and the one we love will shine back at us.
And all that was once so painful, so terrifying, so excruciating …
Will be overshadowed by the light of a beautiful moment in time.
By Rachel Macy Stafford©
Jewel says
Thank you so much for sharing you story with us. I was never a “yeller” until I started nursing school and my husband was working in a different state. My children are 4, and 7 , they mean the world to me!!! It only happens when I am stressed out about school and trying to find that balance between all my jobs. I work part to full time, I am a full time student, Mother, wife, and taking care of my family. I see that fear in their eyes and it feels like I have been stabbed in the heart a million times. I went back to school to full fill a dream job that I have wanted to do since I was a kid and to be able to provide my children with a good life. Today is day two of not yelling and I hope I can continue to change as the days go on. My kids need me and I need them too. I hope my house can become more peacefull again!
shawna says
I have tried to stop yelling because of a fight with my husband. We got in a fight over the usual nothing and he yelled that he was going to leave. This was in front of our kids. Our 3 year old got really upset and kept asking him where he was going. Asking why Daddy was leaving. The sad part was that she wanted to go with him. She was upset because I always yell and choose him over me. She told him that she wanted to go with him and was asking him if he was scared of me yelling. I just remember this awful feeling that she choose to leave with her dad, whom I thought was the problem, over me. She was so upset by my yelling and not his, that she told him not to leave her. I realized it doesn’t matter who is right and wrong, kids don’t understand that stuff. It mattered who was calm and nurturing during all of that conflict.
Military Dad says
A friend shared this article on Facebook and I’m thankful that they did. I appreciate how it’s written in a way that captures such insight that words often fail to do.
I’m a military father, and I had my first daughter after 9 years of active duty. She will be three in August and her little sister will be one the same month. They really are wonderful little girls and there’s nothing I love more and want to protect than the two of them.
However, as she’s entering the challenging years of learning when mommy and daddy are playing and when we’re serious, or pushing boundaries as much as possible, I catch myself relying on raising my voice and scaring her to try and get her attention. I don’t have an excuse other than its just become habit, and habits are difficult to break.
We have so much fun together and I know that both of my girls love their dad. I see it in their eyes, and I cherish that. However, I’ve also seen the same reaction you described over the spilled rice on my eldest daughter’s face, and it had the same affect on me.
I’ve become very focused on practicing more patience, reminding myself that she’s a child that isn’t even three yet, and being compassionate when she makes mistakes. I think I’m getting better, but I certainly have more improvements to make.
Thank you for using your time and talent to emphasize the importance of being more patient with our children, and also for sharing your success. Our children do reflect the best and the worst in us, that’s undeniable. But when we strengthen our weaknesses and then later recognize the outcome of all that work in them, as you described; I don’t think there can be an accomplishment more gratifying than that. That gives us hope to strive for.
Thanks again.
Jonathan Mendoza says
I am a 22 year old, single, college senior–nowhere near becoming a parent– and I just wanted to let you know that this post has touched my life. No matter what stage of life we’re in, we can all learn to be more compassionate and understanding. Smile knowing that you have helped make me a better person and (when the time comes) a better parent.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Jonathan. I am smiling, in deed! What you have written means a great deal to me. Thank you for letting me know.
A Grandma says
I come from a long line of hot tempers and yellers and hitters. This article made me realize I need to try harder to control my temper and not yell at my grandbabies. I hate myself when I do yell at them and pray I can break this cycle. I want them to remember me as a loving grandma and not a screaming maniac. ; ) Thanks again!!
Becky says
Hi, I saw a link to this on fb and thought Id have a look. Im sat here sobbing. I could have written it myself. I dont want to be the yelling Mama anymore, I want to be the Mama I always imagined I would be. Thank you for inspiring me to change. From this day forward I will not yell again! xxx
Helene says
Thank you for this. I have tears in my eyes because I have been struggling with this problem for 5 years now. Knowing that you are a yeller doesn’t mean that you know how to stop. I too hate myself for being such a harsh mother to my 3 kids. Reading this post reassures me in that I’m not alone and that there is hope for the hopeless.
Joanne Kaufman says
I have found that seeking an outside counselor or energy medicine practitioner really can help redirect the energy of frustration and has been a key element in helping me not yell. I have a past of post traumatic stress from – of all things – international nonviolence work in poverty settings. I had a very stressful first pregnancy and for three years struggled with the relationship with my first daughter. When I found a Healing Touch Program mentor and an osteopathic doctor who does cranial sacral work, my life turned around and my temper improved, easing tensions with everyone! I also recognize a very different dynamic with second daughter due to personality difference. But she too has watched me with that caution. It’s so hard to parent — but there is hope and there are resources!
Krista says
My heart broke as I read this story about yelling. I am a 55 yr old mom and grandma. I never conquered the yelling. My children reap the sorrow of it. I fear they will never forgive me completely. They fear I will yell at my grandchildren.
One of my daughters is a yeller, one is not. It breaks my heart to see it repeat.
Please moms, find a way to delete some things from your life so you can cope with the normal things children do that make us yell. Your children will thank you forever.
Catherine says
Very compelling for me today! Thank you! We are currently in the middle of a cross country move, and I have been on the verge of yelling for weeks. My “Ah ha” moment was when my 5 year old cried her eyes out like she was in pain because the front of her drawer fell off….She was terrified of how I was going to respond!! I have been trying to change myself, but it is a slow process that requires a real want to change!! Thanks for the inspiration!
Caroline says
I have a 6 yr old, 4 yr old, and 10 month old, and I (try) to hold down a full time job. It is easy to give in to the temptation of yelling in the heat of a mess. Each day is a new day to be better and more intentional at parenting! Thank you so much for sharing.
vickiem says
GREAT POST! I am not a yeller, nor was my family, but I have seen the incredible impact it can have on children. You didn’t mention faith, but I know in my stuggles parenting, I greatly depended on prayer to help me. I am grateful for a loving, forgiving God that can help us in our weakness. This is a great testimony of how we can choose to shape the heritage we leave our children and grandchildren. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Lee says
This was so timely for me. I just wrote something on my blog about peace in my home with my kids. What I realized is that it starts and ends with me and that I need to unplug in order to give them that. I loved this because it really is the same journey that I just started and I am inspired by where you are and knowing that it is possible to achieve that peace. Thank you for this.
Alice0510的博客-aliceblog--首页 says
The Important Thing About Yelling | Hands Free Mama
Groton says
I was a stay at home mom until my girls went off to elementary school and now I work full time. So I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I am very artsy fartsey so I did lots of fun, creative stuff with my kids when we were home. We also went to the park a lot, to the zoo, story time, and any other free activity to stay busy. Yes, I checked FB and myspace, but my attention was mostly on them. I have a casual acquaintance on FB now who posted this article to make herself feel better about being a lousy mom who just trolls FB all day posting that she can’t do anything fun with her kids because she has a migraine or is suffering from “exhaustion.” I really don’t get it. Yes, I yell on occasion – it’s called a boiling point. No, going off to work for 8 hours a day is not “a break.” I’m going to f&^king yell when we are getting ready for school, and my kids are fighting over a partially deflated balloon they found in the closet, when they should have been putting their “F*&KING SHOES” on. 🙂 (This happened this morning by the way). My point is, there are so many articles out there right now, designed to cottle the moms who feel inferior to others, it’s annoying. Get off FB, take out the Play-Dough, the paint, whatever. Enjoy you kids because my ten year old is almost as tall as me. They will forgive you for losing your temper. They will not forget however, that you were to wrapped up in comparing yourself to other, instead of finger painting or collecting rocks with them at the beach, or just taking a walk together.
Dana says
I am the mother of a now 15 yr old and an 11 yr old. I became a yeller in life until a few years ago. I realized that as a yeller I was stressing myself as well as those around me even more when I yelled. At that point I went through some soul searching and decided that was not who I wanted to be. I have since then become a happier person. I still have to catch myself once in a while and remind myself that I don’t want to be the person that I was. At those times I step back and just think. After that I can then proceed in the more positive manner that I am trying to instill in my children so they can become better parents. Reading this just was another amazing and heartfelt reminder to keep trying and to not give up. I also have another thing I do everyday to help myself become that person. I live by the give a smile get a smile motto. Whether it is just smiling at someone to see them smile or doing something silly like dancing to your own music and seeing them smile because of it. 😀 Remember to stop and smell the flowers from time to time and don’t give up even when it seems like you are taking a step back instead of forward 😀
Renee says
This is such a powerful achievement on your part, and one that I know will have measurable affects on your family, and your children’s future families. Your words brought me to tears, and even though I don’t know you, I am very proud of you. Please continue growing and sharing with others. Your children will grow up being happy, well rounded, compassionate, empathetic, problem solvers. Thank you for sharing this with us 🙂
Karol says
I just found your blog this morning as someone posted this on facebook. What a beautiful post. I too went through a period of yelling that I am not proud of. I am so thankful that the Lord opened my eyes to this weakness of mine and pointed me in the direction of healthier, more Christ like alternatives.
Holly Brooks says
I’m sobbing right now. Your words come at such a delicate time for me, desperately trying to change my path as a mother. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. My boys are almost 6 and 7 now and I thought things would be getting easier, but it seems this chapter brings new and often more challenging things.
I have started life skills classes to teach me the tools to deal with my emotions rather than acting on them. I feel so empowered and new, yet I still have “those days”. Thank you so much for writing this, I honestly believe it was meant for me. I’m inspired by your post, THANK YOU!
Nikki Miller says
Beautifully written! If you write your books with the same clarity and honesty, you will have a best-seller. I completely empathize with this post. I, too, have had the tendency to yell at my children when we are running late (which happens quite a bit). Thank you for this beautiful post!
Audrey says
wow. You really have touched me. I have been wondering how to change.
It’s not just the yelling, but the rolling of eyes, exasperated sighing, annoyance, disapproval & shaming that you mentioned. Those comments really stopped me in my tracks. How something that seems so small ends up having such a huge impact.
I wish I had you around when my kids were little. It could have been so different for them.
But you have given me hope. Because I am still a wife and my husband doesn’t need to be subjected to my nasty behaviour. AND now I am a grandmother and want to show a better side of myself to my granddaughter as well as to my children now that they are grown.
THANK YOU for sharing.
Andrea says
This was meant for me today!! I literally just got home from dropping my daughter off at school – before that, in the car, I just exploded at her (6 yrs) and her 3-yr old brother for racing to “be first” in the car, spilling milk all over the floorboard and onto a plate of unfinished breakfast. I screamed at her for always trying to win even though she’s older and should just let her brother win sometimes. I mean, it’s three seconds difference from him getting there first!! Ugh. Did I mention this is her last day of school?!?! – After giving her tissues to dry her tears and blow her nose, we had a heart-to-heart though I know I’ve already affected her day. Then I came home and started beating myself up for it, saw this on fb and bawled!! Thank you for the book suggestions and for writing this! I’m glad I’m not alone and am making a pact today to not be a yeller!! I hate it. For a start, we are banning racing in our house unless we’re actually playing a racing game 🙂 Thanks again.
Lucky Emily says
Loved this reminder. I’ve realized lately that when I yell at my kids, it has less to do with them and more to do with me and whatever gazillion things are on my mind in that moment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences so eloquently. You’ve helped a lot of people with this post.
Lauren says
That really hit home. Thanks.
Jenna says
I have 4 year old twin boys and never wanted to be the kind of mother that I have become. I’m always yelling at them. I’m aware of it but can’t seem to stop. I need to find a way to stop the yelling now!!
Marissa says
This post could not come at a better time!! I am a step-mom of 2 wonderful kids (6 & 8). They are with us half the time. Some days are just harder than others, because of the transitions and who-knows-what at the other household. Due to scheduling, we had them 2 weeks in a row (which is abnormal-it’s usually every other). Both weekends were awful…I mean AWFUL. I had to say things over and over and over, and still they would not listen. Finally, I exploded. Top of my lungs, yelling, get in time-out, away from me. I walked to the other room to breathe and calm down, but the damage had been done. My anger got the best of me, and I let it take over and became a yelling monster. I did have great conversation with the both of them afterward, but I have been seeking a way to become a non-yeller. Become a gentle step-mom. Become a calm in this storm of life. Thank you so much for posting this! I was overwhelmed of where to start. And I was overwhelmed by the thought of how terrible I was and if I could ever recover to give my kids the life they deserve. Thank you, thank yo for letting me know I am not alone – but more importantly, that there is HOPE 🙂
KatieB says
The same thing happened to me years ago. I was spanking my son way too much and I finally realized that spanking didn’t work with my son. (He probably got a spank every day.) I decided to try something different and when he refused to do something the next day I said, “You know what? I’m not going to spank you.” And he said in a sing-song voice, “Oh yes you are!” Almost as though his ability to tell the future was amusing to him. But then I realized that he expected a spanking every day and I didn’t want him to think of Mom = spank. Yes, I still believe in spanking children, but it should be very rare, only done for serious infractions, and out of love, not anger. Then there should be talk, reconciliation, and forgiveness afterward. I almost never spank either of my children. It took me a LONG time to learn not to yell too. I prayed EVERY NIGHT for the Lord to grant me patience. I’m still too impatient, but He has helped me control my yelling quite a bit. It took YEARS to progress at all on that matter. We ALL have been studying relaxation and calming methods (deep breathing, etc…) so that none of us lose our tempers so easily. It works…when we remember to use the methods! 🙂
Kendra says
This made me tear up… I think, maybe I know I am that mom… or well on my way. I need to check FB from my phone one more time… and I need to check my email once more — and maybe I’m not drinking “tea” my daughter just made me in her princess cup.
Thank you…. I really was touched by this post.
Angel says
Thank you! Being a “yeller” seems to just happen to you when you have small children. Thankfully I too had a wake up call and have stopped yelling. I still have an occasional yelling moment but I’m working on elimitating those too. My wake up moment came when I dicovered Lane Goodwin. A 13 year old boy with cancer, who reminded me very much of my oldest (8 years old at the time) A sweet and loving boy with a heart of gold. Lane has a younger brother, Landon. I have 2 boys….it just really hit me that the things I would get mad at them for were really so small. I love them more than anything, how could I get so mad at them? Watching Lane fight and watching his family through his ordeal made me just stop, and be thankful for the very things that were upsetting me. Since I’ve stopped yelling, my oldest has stopped getting in trouble at school, and has stopped being so defiant. I fear they will always only remember the yelling, and not the million hugs and kisses and “I love yous” that far out weigh the yelling. I pray that they never remember the yelling.
Thanx again for sharing your story.
Kobi Anderson says
Thank you so much for this! I admit to being a yeller, and I hate myself for it! I feel like hearing stories, such as this one, make me feel less alone with my problem. I WILL work on this, and I WILL become stronger and a better parent because of this! My child is worth it! Thank you for the inspiration!
Mel says
Thank you for this, I needed to see it. Unfortunately, I am a yeller and I saw a lot of myself in what you wrote. Occasionally, I will tell myself that I am going to start fresh and not yell any longer, but it is a short-lived promise. Your post jolted me. I never realized that the reaction I was seeing from my children was one of fear – and coming to that realization broke my heart. Time for change.
Crystal says
I am sitting here sobbing. Im a yeller. I am wracked with guilt when I do it. I feel so frustrasted and trapped with the endless level of things that I feel I need to do. Thanks for sharing your story
Ryan says
This post really hit home and I cried all the way through it. My daughter is still an infant, but I feel that rage you described and lash out to my husband often. I fear I could someday do the same to my daughter and I never, ever want to let that happen. Your children sound like amazing kids. You’re so lucky to have them and they’re so lucky to have you.
Joanne James says
I used to be a yeller. After reading many self-help books, I have improved and no longer need to yell. We yell when we feel we’re not being heard and when we are overwhelmed with stress. Oprah, quoting Maya Angelou once said: “You did what you knew then, and now that you know better, you do better.” I remind myself of that when I feel like beating myself up for my past behavior. Now…I do better. Your post today will help many people to change. Good for you my Dear.
Brittany says
I have to tell you that this was perfect timing. My 8 month old has been such a fight to get to sleep. When I’m tired and hungry and have to pee bc I’m pregnant I feel so frustrated. I consciously have been wishing something would cross my path to help me before I start expressing it to a child who can’t even speak. I think I thought, well she doesn’t know the difference so if I give a sigh or a loud sh she won’t understand and I’ll stop before she does. This read had me reared up and will help me in my relationship with our child and my fiancé as well. Thank you so much for taking the time. I’m also setting my phone down a lot more!
Shyanne says
I loved reading this! I am a yeller and I had no idea that I might be destroying my relationship with my son! I will do better! Thank you! I needed this today!
Mary says
Thank you for this. I saw it shared on a friend’s facebook and it’s exactly what I needed to read today. I have these magical tiny people who I find myself getting illogically pissed at and I think it’s because I feel like I’m drowning, spinning out of control. I have an amazing opportunity to stay at home with my kids for a little while as I look for a new job, and settle into a new city. But, I keep losing sight of my awesome opportunity and the yelling monster emerges when I can’t make all the pieces of puzzle fit together. My sweet 2 year old girl looked at me yesterday and said, “Sorry Mommy please no scary ” when she knocked her juice on the clean laundry. I really felt like a monster that she thought that way. After all I’m the adult- I gave her the juice. I let her ‘help.’ Thank you for sharing. I’m trying to gain perspective one day at a time.
Annette Holbrook says
((sobbing)) Thank you for sharing this poignant story. We can all learn to be more kind, caring and compassionate with our fellow human beings, especially those who are closest to us. Our kids depend on us to teach them what they need to know in life. Anger is not love. I struggle with yelling also and am working diligently t0 erradicate this nasty habit. (I <3 the Orange Rhino!!) I wish you and your family continued success in this endeavor.
Mi says
I gave this to my children years ago … it stands true today as the day I wrote it:
Ma promesse à vous
Vous pouvez toujours appeler ou venir à la maison.
Vous pouvez toujours m’appeler pour l’aide dans n’importe quelle situation et je viendrai vous obtenir.
Vous pouvez me parler au sujet de n’importe quel problème. Là peut hurler, mais j’essayerai de vous aider.
May 3, 2005
Skye says
Thank you for this powerful piece of writing. I am about to get my teaching license and this is such an important message for me as I enter the classroom. But it also speaks to how we treat everyone in our lives, not just children. Imagining taking this approach with all of our loved ones whenever we are frustrated and want to yell – wow. I’m going to try, starting now.
Karen says
Thank you for writing this thoughtful and real article! It really spoke to me, I teared up as well.
Sarah says
I don’t normally comment on blogs, but this particularly post is so important. Your children are so fortunate to have a mother who is self-aware and selfless enough to change for their benefit. My mom, for all her wonderful qualities, had no perspective when it came to her frustration and yelling at me and it irreparably hindered us from building a trusting and close relationship. Your experience is a reminder of how I want to be when I have my own kids one day, so I don’t repeat the mistakes of my parents. Thank you.
Sara says
I am so glad I am not the only one in tears! 🙂 I felt like I was reading about myself. This has been my biggest struggle and I have been just struggling with the disappointment when I do break down and yell. I feel like I won’t ever be able to live any other life. Thank you for the hope and the inspiration that I am not alone!
Teresa says
I found this article via a friend posting a friend’s post. Thank you. Thank you so much for writing this. This is very poignant for me. The whole article touched me, but the line, “…there she was, a patient and compassionate encourager who wouldn’t think of kicking me when I was already down.” really was a punch in the gut. I can’t believe I have “kicked” the love of my life while she was down. But’s that what yelling is…. Quite some time ago, I that discovery that you described here (the look of fear in anticipation), and have since been working hard on my self-control and outlook. Kudos to you for making this transformation and being brave enough to share. You words will stick with me, you can count on that.
Lili says
Thanks for sharing this. Every Single Day I try to “stop” yelling, and yet some how I get sucked back in. Right now I can pin point my frustration, and sadly it gets taken out of all 4 of my littles! My 4th is struggling with potty training and I’m struggling to keep us afloat financially. When she has a #2 accident I lose my mind because I see the $ sign flashing before my eyes… Buy more diapers, Buy more wipes, Buy more laundry detergent — I’m trying so hard to be patient. I’ve never had a child NOT potty trained at this age and I’m just beyond my threshold! It’s not her fault, yet she gets to hear me yell & throw a 2 year old tantrum, because I can’t relax and not think about the finances. It’s such a frustrating cycle and I want to break it. I may have to reread your story a million times a day… but I REALLY am encouraged that this cycle CAN be broken. Now you got any ideas on how to get my 3 year old to use the potty for both 1 & 2???
Ann says
Thank you.
Julie says
I cannot tell you how much this touched my spirit. Thank you for sharing your story. I have often been judgmental of other moms when I see them “lose it” on their kids – but I’ve also been there myself once or twice. This post gives me more empathy for those moms, for their kids, and more of an awareness of how we can all choose the peaceful response. Our kids will benefit so much.
Lindsey says
My 8 year old daughter that I normally have to peel out of bed in the morning woke up just minutes after I read this and had cried my makeup of. She crawled in my lap as I reapplied my makeup, took my brush from my hand and helped with my eye makeup. It melted my heart and I cried all over. Thanks for writing this, I’ve had my wake up call today.
Mark says
This has become ridiculous. It appears that we now have a bunch of people suffering from a made-up epidemic caused by good (or at least necessary) parenting practices. It appears that we are afraid to parent. To make our kids fear and respect us as parents when the need arrises, and to let the continue to make mistakes in fear of hurting their precious feelings, rather than help them grow up into competent adults.
I am sorry, but this may be one of the last articles on this blog that I read. Not because of the author, but because of the responses.
Ava says
I don’t think our children ever need to fear us. Children need to respect adults (parents included) and to suffer consequences for breaking rules, etc. But when we yell at our children, they view us as the enemy rather than someone who helps them to make good choices. I think we all know that a boss who yells at employees may be feared, but is not likely respected and is more often resented and hated. Children should not feel that way about their parents. Parents need to have clear consequences and not to give in to their children, but yelling and losing control are not the way to show firmness.
Mark says
No, Ava. In ALL forms of respect and authority, there must be an aspect of fear. It is unavoidable, even in parenting.
When we yell at our kids, they don’t view us as the “enemy.” Instead, they are struck with the realization that they have crossed a line, and that they are going to be “dealt with” (for lack of a better term). It is sudden, surprising, and can break the will/spirit, thus ending the problem and preventing future ones. It shows appropriate firmness, and sounds as a warning for what will come if not acknowledged.
This is not called losing control. That would be taking your child and beating them unconscious with a block of wood. It is instead called effective parenting and hopefully making your child think the next time before they make a mistake, thus making them better people in the future.
Desiree says
I completely agree. Not only did I fear my mother, I respected her for being the authority in my house. I still absolutely love her and now know she was doing the best she could with what she had. The best advice I ever received is “Be the parent”. It is our role to be the authority. Yes, it can be done without beating or being mean. I have complete control over my yelling. I embrace my crazy moments as a parent. It’s saying to my children that expressing emotions is natural and that they SHOULD do as I tell them or they will get yelled at. And for heaven’s sake stop feeling guilty for yelling at your kids.
Tricia says
Just loved your post! Well said. 🙂 Made me tear up as I thought about these precious little lives we’ve been entrusted with raising. Inspired to start fresh today!
Deidre' says
Thank you ladies (all of you) > I feel like we are all so much alike. I am a screamer. My daughter is 15 and hates it. I hate it too.
I have started a digital journal today to help myself be more accountable. I wrote the Girl Scout Law and promise in my own words about yelling and how I will do my best NOT to yell at my kids, family, or students.
The great thing about a digital journal is that you can delete it after a day, week, or month and just let it go.. This isn’t something that has to be re-read. It is simply to get it off my chest. Do not hold on to your hurt or anger about yelling. Just like the other lady said, our kids have already forgiven us.
Thank you again for the great topic. Hugs to all.
Mark says
This is becoming ridiculous. Are we all afraid to parent? Yelling at children is not the problem. Nor is it a problem to begin with.
From what I read, many people on here are afraid to actually discipline and actively correct their kids out of fear of hurting precious little “feelings,” rather than being interested in helping them to grow and mature. This is not a soft world, and it does not tollerate mistakes. Even small ones. Parents should raise their children accordingly, which means not being afraid to yell and/or punish when necessary.
I appreciate the well-written and thought-out entry, but shows concern in the wrong areas.
Kristin Gaffney Mom of 4 says
When necessary is the point here. Some people can do excessive yelling. One should not fear their parents all of the time. You should help raise your children to be responsible and mature adults. Its one thing to yell at your child because they ran out in front of a moving car, but its another to yell at your child because they accidentally spilled their juice/milk or whatever they are drinking. I agree, that most parents are afraid to get after their children when actual wrong doing is happening. But the excessive yelling does not help ANY part of a situation for anyone. Especially over “spilled milk.” I personally am not afraid to correct my children and hurt their feelings. That is a part of life that they need to get use to. There will always be someone who will hurt their feelings. It’s teaching them how to manage that, and other things, in a appropriate way rather than in a immature inappropriate way.
Kristin Gaffney Mom of 4 says
That and I do believe parents are trying to be their children’s best friend more rather then being their children’s parent.
Mark says
Exactly. Thank you. I completely agree with you that parents (especially from what I read on here) are trying to be their child’s best friend, instead of the authority figure in the house.
However, again, there is rarely (dare I say no) such thing as “excessive yelling.” As I have correctly pointed out before, you must act to prevent “accidents” from continuing to occur. So it’s a little spilled milk? MAKE your child realize that what they did was unacceptable and that they need to be more careful in the future. They didn’t clean up their room or mow the lawn like they were supposed to? GET ON THEM about it. Make them realize that what they did was wrong. And if any of that means yelling or a good swat, so be it. It is necessary, and will do far more than pampering them for fear of some tears.
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) says
As the survivor of an abusive spouse, I can tell you decisively, Mark, that there IS such a thing as “excessive yelling”. If you are taking a toll on someone’s self-esteem in order to control them, that is excessive. And unnecessary. And hurtful. So I’d urge you to reconsider that “swat” or yell and instead, show your child love and compassion, while still clearly getting your message across. Using control over your own temper is NOT weakness.
Katie B. says
There most certainly is such a thing as “too much yelling.” I grew up with a father that yelled and a mother that had strict rules, but did not shout. I will never forget cowering against a wall as my father screamed at my sister and me until he was red in the face and spitting. Then he would dare us to call our mother (who had escaped via divorce) and have her come “take us away from him,” but we were too little and too afraid to make him angrier. Besides, it wasn’t her week with us. Then Dad would send us to bed and refuse to speak to us until the next evening.
Mark, you can parent very successfully without being your child’s BFF. You can have rules, boundaries, and consequences. But yelling, screaming, shaming, belittling, and terrifying your children should have no place in your family relationship.
Mark says
Katie, I’m sorry. Your father’s parenting sounds a little barbaric, and I am sorry that you had to endure it.
That said, nobody is talking about “terrifying,” “belittling,” or “screaming,” at children (though fear may be something that must be instilled, as it is the most powerful of all human emotions, but I digress).
Still, saying that you shouldn’t yell at your kids is akin to saying that you shouldn’t parent. Your kids need to have a healthy level of respect for you, and that cannot be achieved without methods that promtly end negative behavior and instantly show the child who is in charge without ANY dispute. It is clear to me that both you and Kristin Shaw are suffering from bad situations in your past that have affected your opinions on this, so I can understand why you would be so apt to agree with Rachel’s entry. You may want to think about this, however.
molly says
I was led here through Facebook. What an amazing post. I think I was meant to see this. I really need to change my ways. Thank you for writing so eloquently on a tough topic.
Kathy says
I’m in complete tears right now. Thank you for opening my eyes so wide! I am so very sad to say it was me you were talking about, but as of this moment I am going to join your crusade. Because my daughter looks at me the way your kids used to look at you and that is not what I want from the little girl I love so much it hurts. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! I know you are changing the world one heart at a time!
StressedOutMama says
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. I am currently trapped in the cycle you write about above: Excessive phone use (for me, computer use for work), commitment overload, multiple page to-do lists, and the pursuit of perfection. But this is my a-ha! moment: “And yelling at the people I loved was a direct result of the loss of control I was feeling in my life.” I have become a yeller because the control I so desperately crave feels like it is out the window and out of reach. I must do better, I will do better. Thank you for helping me feel not so alone. And thank you for having the courage to write about issues like this. It is a gift to readers like me; a ray of hope when it feels like all is being lost.
Gretchen says
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear it.
Holly says
I to used to be a yeller. I really started when my fourth daughter was born. She was definately the most stubborn, outgoing, and willing to test every last button of mine out of all my children. My daughter is from myt second marriage and her father is a yeller too, that’s how he grew up as well as me. One day when I am looking at my daughter who had just spilled stuff everywhere for the upteenth time while making cupcakes, no longer wanted to help make them because she was afraid to make a mess. My heart broke. At the same time I realized her increased yelling and outburst were probably because of mine and my husbands behavior. I decided to make a change. Now instead of yelling because I am frustrated I instead tell her, “Ana I am just really frustrated right now because of such and such” Often now I find her saying mommy don’t be frustrated or its ok calm down mommy it will get better. I am not perfect I still yell sometimes as does she but at those times we catch ourselves reminding each other to “Calm down mommy” or “Calm down Ana” or “it will be okay.”
Linda says
This article made me cry remembering how it felt to be yelled at. It is so obvious from the responses that yelling is very much a part of parenting….we all need to try to stop verbally assaulting our children when things don’t go as planned and be more patient with our most previous gifts and ourselves. I have already apologized for yelling so much lately. Thank you for sharing.
Kristin Gaffney Mom of 4 says
Wow, as I sit here in tears with two of my four crying from being frustrated this truly hits home for me. My parents were yellers. Especially my mother to who this day I still am fearful at the age of almost 31 to make her mad or upset which has now pretty much ruined my relationship with her, amongst other things. My dad however has changed. This change came after I was moved out, but it did enough that I no longer fear my father but I feel I have someone I can truly trust and who I want to be around more. I was diagnosed with endometriosis two months after meeting my husband and was told I probably wouldn’t be able to have children for much longer. With in that year, my husband and I were married and had our first kid. 3 more soon followed and I have four, who are 6, 4, 2 and 1. We would have loved to wait before having kids, but it wasn’t an option. We longed for children and were blessed with four. I promised myself and each baby as they were inside me that I would not pass along the yelling that my parents did (mom still does) to me growing up. With the first child it was easy. The second was fine and the third got a lot harder. It was when I found out my son, our second had a speech delay, became a picky eater and to us seemed like he was just plain out to get us that I finally started yelling. And now, there isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t yelled to the extreme at my kids. Every night once they are in bed I look at myself in the mirror and I just see a monster. I see the fear in my children’s eyes when there is an accident and I hate it. On top of that I suffer from extreme depression, a bit of anxiety and I’m just coming down off of suffering from PPD. Many days I am so overwhelmed I don’t know how to handle it all, so I resort to yelling. Something I promised I’d NEVER do, to MY kids, yet here I am doing the exact thing I promised I wouldn’t. Your post and reading the others comments has me in a bawling mode because I see how much damage I’m doing to my children. I don’t want my kids to fear me, ever. But this post and the comments have made me realize I can change this, it isn’t impossible. I just wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes and knowing that if you and many others can do this, I can to. Thank you for opening up about this. Just thank you…
Erin says
just want to say i feel for you, i come from a similar situation and my mother and i are not that close. i tolerate her now. but i feel like all my anxiety issues came because of my mother. my depression too. I’ve now set boundries with my mother, and do my best not to let her get to me. if she starts yelling, i calmly tell her, her tone is not appreicted and she can call back later when she’s calm. and if she’s over, i tell her the same thing and let her know she can leave.
it’s worked. she doesnt yell near as much. and being around her isnt quite so stressful. maybe you should write a letter, or set some boundries. you dont deserve to be yelled at either. :)…
Andrea says
Thank you for this post. I have a three year old and a newborn and I have found myself getting lost in the battle of wills and loosing my temper frequently. I never want to make my children fear my response to their mishaps. Thank you for reminding me that it is possible to take a deep breath before reacting, to find myself and in turn encourage my children instead of belittling them. Thank you for putting these feelings into words. I will never forget them.
Priscilla says
I am in tears. This is me and I don’t like myself for it. I will change. My kids deserve the mom I know I can be. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for the inspiration to change.
KMCole says
Priscilla,
This is me too. </3 *balling crying*
TV says
Thank You, I needed that.
Leila says
Thank you! I feel the same way and feel terrible when I yell at my almost 3 year old little girl. I don’t want to her to be afraid to make mistakes. I am going to re-read this as a reality check when I need it.
Jennifer says
Wow, talk about God answering prayers. I had a breakdown last night with my husband because I’d noticed (as had he and kids) that my patience that I was once known for is gone. I yell at the kids and get so frustrated all the time. Last night I made the commitment to myself and my family to do better but wasn’t sure where to start. THank you for this post and the starting place.
Erin says
Thank you for writing this. I came from a Yeller. my whole life my mother would yell at me about the smallest of things. Now i have a beautiful 19 month little girl, and I hope to not continue that trend. I want to have a bond with my daughter thats more than “well, she’s my mom and i HAVE to love her”. thank you for this, it gives me hope that im doing the right thing, and can keep my head as best as i can when i get in that frame of mind.
cam says
This was extremely well written. Both of my parents had explosive tempers and yelled frequently. However, I was concerned about your recalling of your daughter taking care of you as you cried to her. My own mother did this frequently and over time it shifted our roles so that even to this day, as an adult the responsibility to make her happy and to fix her problems still weighs on me. I’m sure you are a beautiful parent, it was just a concern that struck me.
Judith Mills says
Dear Meg,
What an incredible story, it really touched my heart.
How beautiful that you wrote about it and shared it, it will be helpful to so many people. What is your book about? I can’t wait to read it. Love weaz
ps. come on down to Richmond for a visit.
Melissa Sharon says
Thank you so much for putting words to my feelings. Thank you a million times over. Thank you.
Theresa says
She simply said …. thank you. Thank you for sharing.
greg says
My daughter-in-law has this problem not with the children but with my son. We live in a three generation family. I have been trying to help her by using different and varing techniques. I love her and she loves my son but has had a problem szriking out at him and feeling terrible about it afterward. She read your story and has decided to print it and refer to it when she fels the urge to strike out. She has made great strides and looks forward to using your story as an aid.
Desiree says
I sat here reading this and thought to myself, yes in a perfect world there will be no yelling or screaming at each other. None of us live that perfect world. I tend to yell, but you know what I have found out, if I don’t yell once in a while I end up suppressing myself and actually end up blowing up much worse than if I would’ve just yelled to begin with. We all take turns yelling and then after we get it out, we talk about what got us angry and move forward. I’m not saying this is the most healthy approach but it works for my family.
While I would love my children to grow up in the most loving environment, the truth is I also don’t want them to grow up to be pussies. Yes, I said it. They will be yelled at by teachers, by other children, by bosses and even other people at the grocery store. I don’t want them to be that person but I don’t want them sheltered from the occasional yelling session. I don’t want them to break down crying if they get yelled out because they never saw it happen at home. Like everything in the world there needs to be moderation and a balance, is my point.
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) says
Desiree, I understand that you don’t want your children to be weak. However, teaching them control over anger is not teaching them to be wusses. If you teach them yelling is OK, they will perpetuate that. Trust me. And read the Orange Rhino too – she lists all kinds of great alternatives to yelling at each other (yell into the pillow, for example).
I think children can learn that yelling is not optimal and they won’t break down crying over it – they might choose pity or disdain instead. There are many ways to teach strength.
Mark says
Kristin, I am sorry to hear about your problems earlier in your life. I am sure it was dreadful, and I feel for you.
That said, you’re letting those experiences cloud your judgement. You need to step back and realize that. Showing authority (through yelling, spanking, and other proper means) is necessary in parenting, and are far more effective in building strength and correcting inappropriate behavior than coddling children.
They SHOULD be taught that yelling is OK for those who are in charge. It is not abusive or a sign of losing control as some flower children might pretend. It is a necessary evil to prevent a worse end.
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) says
We’ll have to agree to disagree, sir. Yelling and spanking are not necessary to raise strong children. I’m quite sure I’ll be able to prove it to you as my son grows. He’ll understand authority without resorting to me yelling in his face to make it happen. We’ll choose to use intelligence and logic, not flower power.
Mark says
Unfortunately, you are wrong on both counts (the necessity of spanking and yelling, and how your son will turn out). I do wish you luck, however.
Joanne James says
Well said.
Mark says
Thank you, Joanne. I did my very best to try and help Kristin and others on here who are confused understand the real problems.
Joanne James says
Correction* My comment of “Well said” was meant for Kristin and not for Mark. Sorry.
Mark says
No, Joanne. Your comment WAS meant for me. Otherwise, it would be hollow and ring untrue.
Desiree says
Kristin, we have complete control over the yelling. In fact, it’s in total control. My children are healthy, well-loved and have no problem showing affection. I want other parents to know it’s OKAY if you are a yeller, as long as it’s in moderation and balanced. I was yelled at and lived with two older siblings that were yelled at. And guess what, to this day I still love my mother dearly, graduated high school with honors and now run a very successful business with a family. My point is there is no perfect way to parent and you should not feel guilty at the occasional yelling session if that’s how you need to handle things.
Nicole says
Thanks to all for being so incredibly supportive – I’m so grateful I read this today. I was raised a yeller and have deep scarring in how I feel about my mother. As a single mom, even my ‘perfectly’ easy daughter drives me over the edge when I’m flooded by the demands I face every day, at work, with her dad, chores, errands, snafus… Anxiety + stress = I blow. I was fearful and disgusted about perpetuating the patterns, and at 4 she started to become so headstrong and defiant that i worried she was already “ruined.” But strangely, the more she stomps her feet now, the easier it is for me to remain calm, seeing how lost she feels in the eye of her storm, and I see I can help her through it like nobody was able to help me. We breathe, soothe, problem-solve, have do-overs, and then its a new day. I have hope. Last night she yelled at me like never before and I didn’t yell back. I got quiet, let her know it wasn’t ok and I would not allow her to treat me this way, talked to her and explained how tired she was and how she needed to take care of her needs. We will talk again about this and I know this will heal both of us.
Lynette says
Although I am a grandma now and my four sons are grown….this hit home for me too! I spent far too much time trying to save a marriage that left me stressed and having little or no patience with my sons. Yes, yelling became my “relief valve” and then I would waste even more precious time with them crying about it. I finally got out of that marriage and even though I have a loving and supportive family, the stress of having to raise the boys by myself kept the yelling thing going….Later, I met the love of my life (next to my sons, of course) and he has been the best dad to the boys. But, now that they are all grown with families of their own….I see the “Yelling Syndrome” carrying on in at least one of them and I see that look in my grandson’s eyes that expresses something between fear and hate when he is the object of that yelling and it breaks my heart to see him suffering from something that I perpetuated. Thanks to your piece ….I will try to this across to my son and his wife before my grandson grows up to be a “Yeller”…..May God bless you in many ways.
Joanne James says
You are older and wiser. Those who promote yelling often look back with regrets.
Megan says
You have given me hope that I can be a non-yeller. I love my kids, but I feel as though I am doing daily damage to them with my actions. I am a stay-at-home mom – which I never thought I would be, and am overwhelmed daily with the demands of my life. I have two beautiful children (3 & 5) who are great. I have to remind myself daily that they are just kids, but it does not always work. There are a couple of things that have come to light since I have become a mom – but the hardest one has been the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression. This is something that I have probably dealt with most of my life (as I look back), but it really hit home when my emotions were all over the place and I felt as though my kids were suffering because of it. I have had help, and even though things are a lot better in that department, I am still a yeller and I feel as though it’s the only way I can get through to my kids. I hate repeating myself 20 times and being asked the same questions over and over again. I know that is part of childhood, but it tends to be a trigger. I have my ups and downs and I have a loving husband by my side.
You never know what the day will bring, and today it was you… Thank you for your post and the message that has been received. I have read so many of the responses and see myself in many of them. They give me hope that it is possible even though I do not feel that it is. I will take it one day at a time, but will have to bookmark this post so that I can re-read it to remind myself that it is possible.
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you…
Leah says
I love this! I even cried a little because it is so very true. Sometimes it is just hard to control yourself, but taking a step back and paying attention to the things that are really important means a lot and show your kids how they should be. I am making that a new goal of mine, to unplug. I have made this goal before, but until reading your post I didn’t realize how much it really affects my relationship with the kids. Thanks
Stephanie Zuccaro says
I loved this post and shared it to my daughter’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SierrasSmile. Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I have subscribed and look forward to reading more.
jessica says
this post brought tears to my eyes because i know that i yell at my kids so much to the point their scared of me and that breaks my heart i have twin 2 year olds and a 4 year old all boys… sometimes i get so overwhelmed with daily life i take it out on them=( my mom was a screamer and i find myself following in her footsteps & i hate that because i know how i felt as a kid always getting yelled at i love my boys dearly & i would never want them to feel the way i did! from this day forward i promised myself i would do whatever it took to break the cycle thank you so much for the inspiration=)
Cee says
Thank you for this, reading it felt like reading my life and what am becoming to my child. Am taking a deep breath and from this moment resolving not to yell, not to overbook and be there patiently and lovingly for my spirited 5 year old.
Coleman says
Wow, these words hit this father square between the eyes. There are times my kids are afraid of making the smallest mistake for fear I will tear them apart verbally. It was only after my 13 year old son looked me straight in the eye and said, “Dad, I can’t do anything right, you will only yell!”
So I have done just what you have done, put the phone down more often, listen to my kids and be a dad.
Joanne James says
Wonderful, just wonderful.
Kristen says
Wow. Your experience describes me exactly. I am an overworked, iPhone and iPad obsessed mom that is a class A yeller. I always thought that I was impatient but you hit the nail on the head. The problem is overwhelming distraction and desperate failing at being perfect. Thank you!
Andrea says
AMAZING. Thank you for sharing this. You give me more hope for a new day.
Stephanie says
This is an amazing post, as the hardest thing a person can do is acknowledge the worst parts of themselves, so to go one step further and publish it really is inspirational. My mother was a yeller my whole life (I’m now 28), and the dramatic impact it had on my sister and I, both in different ways, has defined a large part of who we are. And unfortunately, her temper has overshadowed many of the numerous happy memories she created for us. If I could say anything to the mothers working to overcome this, it’s to please, as hard as it in your moment of anger, is to remind yourself to calm down before responding. While you’ll remember all the amazing things you did for us, we’ll remember the temper above all else.
Amy P says
Thank you!
Julia Kendrick says
Thank you so much for writing this! I realized this year that I had become a yeller too. I was so frustrated and every time one of my kids would do something wrong, I would explode on them. I am slowly working towards doing better and no yelling at my kids. I hate that I became that person but love to read your story that your children know you are trying to do better and forgive you for yelling in the past. I was so tired of going to bed feeling like a horrible mom because I was yelling and fussing at my kids all day instead of loving and teaching them. Thank you so much for your honesty to write this post! You have helped a lot of mammas that are struggling!
KMCole says
I do not normally respond to blog posts, but this one has truly touched me! I am a yeller, I am better than I used to be. However, I could and should be better. I am still working on myself and hopefully I will b able to make the transition as you did. My kids are just that kids, they make mistakes… Kids cannot learn without mistakes. It is my job to be there to teach them, love them, and nurture them as they grow. Your posts has touched me, I am glad you were able to share it with us. Thanks for the extra inspiration!
Elizabeth says
Thank you for posting this and for being so honest. My son is only 10 months old, but I realized yesterday how aware he is of my state of mind. I had one of those overloaded moments and was crying in frustration, when I realized my usually happy, smiley baby was no longer laughing and playing in his bouncer. He was absolutely still and his little face was bunched up as tears started to stream down his face.
I needed to read your words today, I too have become overwhelmed with all the “things” in life. When in reality the best part of any day is my sons giggles and my husbands hugs, how silly that we let other transitory worries get in the way of those joys. Thank you for reminding me.
Leslie says
Wonderful, touching article. When my son was small and made messes I grabbed the camera to take a picture. It was memory making material that I wanted to capture and it gave me a couple minutes to collect myself. I wasn’t perfect though- like the time he spilled red food coloring all over the counter or the time he and the neighbor boy frosted their bikes (I yelled!) But I remembered while cleaning up and reenacted the photos, especially after coming up with the title “caught red handed (and footed)”. Everything is a stage and they grow so quickly. Be kind to yourself and your kids and if you take some photos you’ll have things to laugh about later.
Heather says
This is just what I needed to read today. I’m in the middle of being the yelling mother that I never wanted to be and haven’t yet been able to pull myself out of it. I too think it’s from being overly committed and overly busy. I want to enjoy my 3 year old daughter and one year old son and all of their child-like ways, instead of getting angry at the things that normal children do. Thank you so much for writing this.
Working on it... says
I always promised myself I wouldn’t yell at my husband in front of my kids, or my kids when I was an adult. I even promised myself I wouldn’t let myself get that mad, the way my parents just turned to anger.
But then I did.
And I’m not proud of it, but my children are young, and forgiving still. They know I don’t want to and I have taken lots of classes and tried different techniques. It just requires a lot more work then letting my frustrations out on them.
And sadly, I’m a lot better than most parents I know. Empathy is important, but also release. I have learned to take walks, release, time for myself.
To write notes back to my children, to notice the wonderful things they do and mention it to them, to listen to them.
I’m still learning a lot, and some days I spend the whole thing as the selfish version of me. However, I don’t yell like my parents, and when I do, I catch myself pretty quick. It only happens ab out once a week now. Might seem like a lot, but I am pretty proud of myself.. Hopefully someday I will be where you are.
I am also working on avoiding the instant gratification technology brings, and avoiding allowing my children to use it either. I feel a lot of guilt from back when my second child was little and I facebooked all the time… But I am determined to make it up to them the rest of their lives…
KarenMama says
I’m sitting here crying, because that “yeller” is me. I’m so deeply sad, because I don’t want to be that yeller mom. You have inspired me to get better and work harder to be less distracted and more in tune with my daughter. I don’t want to her to be afraid of me. Thank you!!!!
Shannon says
Simply beautiful story. thank you so much for sharing.
Cynthia says
Exactly what I needed to hear. I have been struggling with this for a very long time, thank you!!!
Lexi says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had been thinking that I was the only mom out there that would yell at their kids and feel just awful about it. Glad to know that I’m not the only one AND there IS a way to be better and not yell all the time. I will be sharing this with my husband as well in hopes that we will both be “non yelling” parents. Thanks again for sharing!!
April Elliott-Gevedon says
WOW! I can’t remember the last time I saw so many comments on one article!! Proof of A) you’re a very talented writer & B) your writing is touching many ppl & changing/shaping many lives!! Great work & very inspiring! Maybe you shld edit your edit disappearing into your book, if it so fits, there is a good lesson to learn there too!! 🙂
Kevin says
Rachel,
I want to personally thank you for this post, “The Important Thing About Yelling”. See, I grew up in a home that more frequently than not responded to accidents and broken rules with yelling. I struggle to suppress the urge to do the same when one of my three kids screws up. I am successful and then… not so much… You wrote about fear in your daughter’s eyes… I vividly remember that fear from my childhood and am ashamed to admit that I have recently recognized that same fear in my children’s eyes… Thank you for helping me realize that I can control the urge to yell and that the reason that precipitates the yell is inconsequential compared to the way the yell can make my incredible children feel. I feel good to write this… to know that I am making a conscious choice to be a better Dad.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Kevin, thank you. Like so many of the comments here, I am deeply touched. I love what you say in the last line: “I feel good to write this… to know that I am making a conscious choice to be a better Dad.” So many people have echoed those words in this beautiful collection of comments. It really fills my heart with a sense of hope. I am so grateful to everyone who had the courage to share their own story and their newfound commitment to a peaceful response.
Christie says
I really needed this! The timing couldn’t have been better. I think this was written for me because my girls are the exact same ages as the author’s girls. Thank you for being so honest!
Julie says
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal and difficult part of your life. As a reformed yeller, I completely understand all that you shared so eloquently. I cried through most of this post as I so clearly picture my son cringing and shrinking against the wall to get away from my tirade. I remember how his reaction first caused me to become angrier since I had never hit him or physically hurt him and I couldn’t grasp his fear of me, but when the anger cooled and I recognized the situation for what it was, I was filled with shame. As a single mother of two young boys, I was easily overwhelmed by daily life. When I learned to let go of the little things, we all became better people for it. My sons are today two of my best friends in the world. My oldest is a successful college student, and his brother is soon to follow in his footsteps. They are responsible, caring, considerate, intelligent, wonderful young men who fill me with pride on a daily basis. I learned by accident and by the grace of God how to be a better mother, and I am so grateful for that. I also want everyone else who reads this post to know that it is never too late to change. Long-term habits are incredibly difficult to overcome, but making the effort for our children, no matter what age they are, will always show them how important they are to us. Thank you again for sharing your story. You are a wonderful mother and courageous woman!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Julie. There is so much hope in your message. I am so grateful you shared it with all of us.
Ava says
I had one child for about four years and felt pretty good about myself as a mother. Then, within two years we added five children to our family through adoption (two sets of siblings). I am so grateful for these children and I have no regrets on adopting them, however I can say that the more you add to your plate, the harder it is to be the mom you want to be. I don’t judge anyone anymore on how they parent their children, I just appreciate being able to learn from posts like this from others who are dealing with similar issues. I find for me (a sudden mother of 6 children), the key is making time for each child and developing an individual bond so that we understand each other better which helps in avoiding volatile interactions.
Kelly says
This was beautiful. I have also “seen the light” when it comes to yelling. My mom was awful about it. It’s all she did and I vowed never to do it, yet I did. I saw such a miraculous change in my children and how i felt about them when i didn’t yell. Recently I was feeling kind of defeated, falling back to it a bit, and we went to my mom’s for Mother’s Day. She spent the whole time yelling at my kids for stupid small things, and I realized, I AM doing better than I thought. This article is also a nice reminder 🙂 thank you!
CDS says
Thank you for this post, it was exactly what my heart needed this week. We’ve recently gone through a lot of changes at home, including moving across the country and me quitting my FT job to be a stay at home -homeschooling mom to 2 children with learning disabilities. Yup, that’s some serious change, and with that change has come a lot of challenges and frustration on my part. I’ve never been a yeller towards my kids. I’ve always been able to be compassionate in their struggles. But in the last month, since our lives have completely changed, I’ve began yelling, a lot. This week it brought me to a point of sheer embarrassment of myself and pain that I knew this wasn’t an acceptable manner in which to treat my children.
Your post was exactly what I needed to hear today to help move me back to the mom I used to be before everything changed. Thanks for the encouragement.
Audrey says
Wow. Truly inspirational. Just this past weekend, my husband was commenting on how much I need to slow down and breathe before the children get under my skin. Thank you. I cried as I read this because I know I need to learn. A million and one thank yous!
Marilee Nutt says
I am sure the reason I was lead to this blog post this morning is because, on my way to the doctor, riding with my middle daughter driving, I wanted to yell, but I remained quiet, over the deliberate hurt she continually was doing to me. Then I berated myself for being able to remain quiet now but I couldn’t then. There is a chasm between us that I have spent four years trying to repair and no matter what I do, it is not enough. Why? Because I was also a yeller. Big time. My Mom was a beater and so was my father so growing up, I swore I would never beat my kids. And for the most part, I did not. However, I did worse, I yelled.
My oldest daughter and I were able to heal that part of our relationship but my two youngest daughters still have a ways to go. They are not able to forgive the tirades I would go into.
Doesn’t matter the reason, that I was working two or three jobs to support us; that I was a single Mom before it was cool; that I still did all the girl scouts, PTA and other extra-curricular activities that was demanded. It didn’t matter that I was stretched to thin or that the demands made on me were unreasonable. All that mattered was that I left scars that would obviously not heal.
Parents, please read and pay attention. Your children need hugged and loved and cuddled and played with and prayed over every day. House work, jobs and charities will be there forever… Take Rachel’s words to heart and whisper, love, hug, cuddle, play with and pray over them everyday! Do not allow the frustration or chaos to destroy what there is left of your life with your children. I waited until it was to late, until even unending apologies would not help, and I do not want to see one more parent go thru that. It is to heart-rending!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your story, Marilee. It is more powerful than anything I could ever write. Your words will stick with me. I commend you for your honesty and openness in an effort to help others through your experience. May you find peace in yourself and with those you clearly love so much. Thank you for sharing.
Chantal says
I really needed to read this today. My mother was and still is a yeller. I vowed when I had children I would not yell at them because I hated it when I was younger and I still cringe when my mom yells. Today I am beyond exhausted and not feeling well myself. My 11.5 month old baby is getting over a nasty cold and teething and comfort nursing around the clock. Neither of us is sleeping well. it got the best of me today when she wouldn’t take her nap. I yelled. She cried even more. She finally fell asleep. I took a quick shower and cried because I yelled like my mom did. I hated myself for a bit. When my daughter woke up she was all smiles and welcomed me with open arms. I apologized to her and promised I would try my hardest to be a better momma and not yell at her. She gave me kisses and I cried. So from today on- no more yelling unless I am cheering her on.
Kristi M. says
i am a mom of 3 boys and the energy of the older two can drive me up the wall. I am so worn out by the end of the day that everything gets to me and I become a yeller. I really appreciated reading this. Yelling and changing it has been on my mind constantly for the last couple of weeks. I needed to hear this and that I can change and will change for my boys. I’ve also come to the realization that I need to scale back many (and get rid of some) of the good things that I am doing and focus on the best things.
Shannan says
This brought on tears…I was first thinking this would be a good post to save to my Facebook wall to remember for the future when, perhaps, I had my own child to teach and encourage, but I realized as I read it that this can apply to me even now. A very humbling moment…. Thank you, Rachel, for inspiring us to be better than we are, no matter our circumstances, and that it’s never too late, OR too early!
Tompa says
Mandi: Wonderful essay.
The most memorable line for me is; “Children make mistakes—just like me.”
kris says
Thank you. Printing this out to carry with me. I’m so glad to know it’s not too late.
Summer Germann says
Hi,
I don’t usually respond or read posts from my friends on Facebook, but I was intrigued by your title. My mom is a yeller. Good or bad she yells, so I have tried not to, which has turned me into a snapper. I can hold anything in, but once I snap, I bring up everything! So not good. With that said, I developed Trust Journals for Mothers & Daughters. I thought that you might really love them since your daughter said “she can come to you for anything.” It’s a journal that has a “certificate of trust” to sign on the inside. It’s a safe place for her to write down questions, worries or problems, where you can help her and she will know that you CAN NOT REACT! You can only write back in the journal. You can see the products at http://www.summerinlainc.com Thank you~
Helena says
I was moved to tears by your honesty and bravery in posting this message. I have 3 year old and 7 month old, and became a yeller about a year into motherhood – firstly directed at my husband, and then my child. The sense of overwhelm I sometimes feel is beyond anything I have ever experienced. To shoulder the constant responsibility of motherhood is nothing I could ever have imagined, and was certainly unprepared for. I have also found that through most of my parenting connections, we only scratch at the surface of our hardest and darkest days. I also feel we are all hiding the worst of it from one another as our biggest fear is to be judged or worse, to be condemned by the powers that be. I live in New Zealand, and under the law here to even express that you may not be coping to a professional can result in someone from child services knocking on your door (this has happened to someone I know). So in your darkest hour you you cannot turn to anyone, and I think this in and of itself only perpetuates the problem. To be able to share the pain that comes with becoming someone who you yourself doesn’t even recognise is part of the healing. The old adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ is so true. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for starting the conversation and the sharing. I have already been working on myself these last few months and can see myself making the right changes and once again becoming the mother I always knew I could be. Modern life has certainly taken it’s toll on so many families. Let us all acknowledge that change starts with ourselves and to make a commitment to be the people we truly deserve to be, and no one else. Everyone will benefit, including the most important people of all, our children.
Felicia says
Wow. I feel as though this was meant for me to read today. I have never been to your blog or read anything you have posted. I stumbled upon this as I was bored on facebook, a friends “like” post. I am so touched and in tears, mostly because its nice to know this happens to other mothers out there. I have one child that is three and I love him with all of my heart. I hate myself when I yell at him for these simple child things/incidents. Everything in this blog is truly what I feel I go through everyday. Thank you, I can’t say that enough. It pains me to know I could have such a negative effect on him, especially since I love this little boy more than I could ever express. I have to try and I hope to have the success you have had. Thank you again, this is a blessing.
Steve Spitalny says
Beautifully stated!! Thank you.
It is all about connecting after all – with ourselves and those around us.
SAndy says
Thank you. I needed to read this. I am you before your change and now more than ever I see that I need to change. Thank you thank you thank you.
Rachel D. says
What a wonderful post!!!! I am ashamed to admit i yell at my 2 beautiful children when I personally am overwhelmed and have over committed myself exactly as you said. It is always my busyness that makes me crazy and makes me lash out at the tiniest offense made by one of my children. I feel horrible and guilty immediately and quickly apologize and embrace my 5 year old daughter who then starts to cry because I scared her. My 1 year old son just laughs because he doesn’t understand what just happened. I have gotten really good lately at keeping my cool and leaving the room when i am about to lose it. But when i let the yelling build up for too long it feels like it creeps out before i can stop it. All of our activities, and school ended last week. I finished all of my big sewing orders as well. This first week of summer has already brought so much joy and relief to my family! I will keep this post handy so that when times get busy again, as I know they will, I can really focus on staying calm. It is really helpful to know I’m not alone!
Erin says
I was in tears this entire post. THANK YOU for this. I grew up with a wonderful mom, but one with a yelling problem. A big one. And it’s a nasty tendency I have too. When I had my first, I was able to control the yelling. I had a few mess ups, but that was it. Now that I have two, it is coming up more & more and it makes me hate myself when it happens. I don’t want my children to live in fear of me. I know it’s a problem. It’s so relieving to know I am not alone in this. Thank you, again, so much.
Casey says
Thank you.
Chris says
I can’t thank you enough for posting this. Everything you said, I have thought, done, seen. I have beautiful 4-year old twin daughters, for whom my husband and I went through hell and back to bring into this world. They are the people I love most in this world. And yet, I have been a yeller; I feel so much pressure from so many places to be “perfect”- I am having trouble articulating my thoughts right now because I am so touched, and suddenly, I don’t feel so alone. So I’ll just say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Matt Johnston says
Fantastic post, hitting close to home. I yell more than I should…not something I’m proud of, and yet, so difficult to control at times. You’re so right…each day is a new day. Thanks for my daily slice of inspiration 🙂
gen says
I hear you and all that, but what if yelling is the only thing coming between you and your child severely hurting themselves, doing something they’re not supposed to do for the umpteenth time or damaging someone else’s property?
How are they supposed to know that you’re SERIOUS without reverting to physical force?
Jess says
I was led to your blog for the first time today when a friend posted a link to this on facebook, and I am absolutely bawling right now. Our family has grown incredibly fast and while I never thought I would be a yeller, I have let myself go there time and time again over the last year or so – and each and every time I feel like the worst mother ever, the only mother who would allow herself to sink to such depths and yell or roll my eyes or scowl at a child when they are simply being a child. I am absolutely speechless and inspired. Thank you.
Sarah says
Thank you SO much for writing this. It’s like God knew I needed to read this! I was crying as a was reading bc I am guilty of this exact thing. Especially lately. This has given me the strength to start improving TODAY!
Jennifer says
Oh, this really hit home for me! I’ve asked myself in the past “How can I treat those closest to me, my immediate family, so horribly with my yelling?” I mean to the point where I feel like a complete lunatic! It’s reassuring to know that there are other moms out there that have been through this and that it can be fixed. I’ve told myself over and over what a terrible mother I am for doing this and am making a conscious effort to put myself in a time-out when I feel like I’m gonna lose it. I am a Christian and often have to leave myself and my situation and take it to God in prayer because he has helped me to overcome more serious issues and I know with Him I can do anything! This post alone, let me know that He is always with me and knows what I need and when I need it! Today I have felt extremely unmotivated, stressed, and overwhelmed and I’ve seen my bad attitude beginning to creep in when dealing with my 6 yr old. So Thank You! God has used you in a mighty way today! God Bless You!
Dana says
I am on day 3 of no yelling. I HAVE TO BREAK this habit. I will do it and so far so good. You can’t even begin to imagine how this article inspires me encourages me and let’s me know I am not alone thank u veryuch
Roberta says
I just want to say such an inspiring story. I use to b a ‘yeller’. I know God has brought me a looooong way. There r 5 yrs between each of my 3 children. My youngest daughter just graduated H.S from SWG, Burnside, IA. It seems like I have a lot of guilt from the time I had each one of my children. I know I did a lot of yelling w/ my oldest son, middle daughter. I am soo much more patient w/ my youngest (w/ a lot of prayer). I know w/ this tragedy it has really HAS hit home. I cannot say it enough and it may sound cleche’ but hug your children and tell them that u love them. Know what they r wearing every morning b4 they go to school in the mornings. Not to scare them but to b cautious. I have said enough. I do thank u for your story tho. What an eye opener, don’t sweat the little stuff or even the big stuff, always let your kids know that they can come to u any time of the day or night.
Andrea says
AMEN! And thank you. Tears of companionship are falling away – my yelling is just like so many of you have described and I know that as I drive to collect my children that my throat feels raw and tired and that is not ok for any of us. Let change be my mantra. Amen.
Diane Murphy says
My dad was a yeller, and a hitter, I vowed to never do those things, and I haven’t . She’s 16 now, and knows she can come to me with ANYTHING. She knows I may not do “the happy dance”, but that whatever the problem, I will do my best to help her, she is and the rest of my family are the priority, nothing else. She had a first grade teacher we called “Mrs. Yeller”, because she did, a LOT! It was a shock for my daughter to hear an adult yell over little things, she hadn’t experienced that before, and it took awhile for her to not take it personally. She was so afraid for anyone in class to make mistake, because she hated the yelling. Everything you have written is true, we need more people like you!
patti says
When my 2 children were young and I was a single mother with a fill time job, a mortgage and some serious impulse control issues, I yelled at them (often). It’s hard for me to say that even tho they are both in their 30’s now. It’s hurts my heart. But today, my 3 1/2 year old grandson dropped his french fry slathered in catsup, on my floor. He looked at me and said “that’s okay right YaYa”? and I said “of course that’s okay” and got a cloth and cleaned it up. It’s such a different relationship when one doesn’t yell and shows patience and compassion when a little one is…well, a little one. Thank you for reminding me what a long way I’ve come and how I cherish loving, nurturing + safe relationships today.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Patti. You are an inspiration. So much hope in your message.
A says
My mom was a yeller and a hitter, and I vowed I would never do the same with my son, but I find myself doing it just as I’m at the end of my rope. The last straw was last night, when he wouldn’t get out of the tub. I screamed and screamed at him, and when I could literally see again, he was crying in the tub, just a little naked thing. He crawled out, and we both cuddled and cried. I cried so hard I couldn’t read him his bedtime story. He just stroked my hair and told me it was going to be ok. I knew I had to stop or it would just destroy me with guilt. So today, I tried my hardest. And actually, we got along, and he followed directions, and even when I got frustrated, I told him, and he tried HIS hardest to do as well as a little toddler could. So long story short, thank you for this. I honestly thought I was alone, and couldn’t share my story with anyone, but this has really given me hope that I can repair my relationship with my son (and the rest of my family).
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I commend you for sharing your story. I commend you for the choice you are making for your son. You have made progress in just one day. In just one day, look how far you have come. And tomorrow, you are offered a chance to start again. Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time and celebrate each and every time you choose a normal tone of voice instead of a yelling voice. There is hope, my friend. You are not alone. Your son is blessed to have a mother who wants so badly to raise him differently than she was raised. That is significant and important. You can do this. Come back anytime for encouragement and support. I am here for you.
Sandra says
Thank you so much for writing this. Tears ran down my cheeks when I read it out loud to my husband. This is us. We are exactly as you described and I desperately want to change. I have become a yeller and I hate it. I truly hate it. Tomorrow, we are going to try better. Thank you again.
Cendra Lynn says
Get Carbonite or another automatic, hands-free, backup program.
Please don’t yell at me for pointing out that the word is empathic, because lots of people don’t know that.
Know that your sharing has helped many people you will never meet or hear from.
Thanks!
Eva Dodson says
I was so glad I took the time to read this post. I had seen the post earlier on Facebook but didn’t stop to read it that day. I am humbled by the simplicity of the statement I had to make after this post. “I will try my best NOT to yell at my son ever again.” I have witnessed the “look of fear” you described and realized that the problematic behavior he had the last month or two of school was most likely my fault. I justified it to myself at the time because I was working and finishing my Masters Degree and caring for a family member with health problems. What my four-year-old son told me the day after my college graduation (which just happened to be Mother’s Day) shattered my heart but also glued it back together in a new design. He asked me if I was through with homework forever so I could play with him-I said yes. He said, “If you don’t have school to do what will you do instead?” I replied that I needed to find a job now so I could pay back the government. He smiled and simply said, “Don’t worry, Mom. You are the best teacher in the world that I know and good moms get good jobs.” I vowed that day to try my best to be a better mom and live more in the moment instead of putting other things ahead of things I could do with my son. It took this post to make me think of the effect that my angry responses to everyday accidents had on my son. Thank you for that! 🙂
D says
This is me! Thank you so much for writing this. You expressed what I have been feeling but unable to overcome. I will check out the resources you suggested, you’ve motivated me to change – THANK YOU!
Nick says
Hi Rachel,
I wanted to thank you for this post. I don’t have children, but I have dogs. I live along, and am single so the dogs are my life. They’re my children, and I hope that never changes (even if I do have kids one day). But anywho, I could relate to what you were saying about yelling at your children. That’s how I would react with my dogs. It started getting to a point where I would yell the moment I walked in the door from work. I have trained dogs, but as “parents” we always expect better.
Anywho, I would yell at them when I got frustrated, would yell if they didn’t listen, and would yell if I got frustrated with something else. After reading your post, I realized it. It really hit me, my dogs are afraid of me too. They hate it when I yell at them, and if I start yelling loud enough, they cower; or they would be so anxious to do what they think I wanted them to do, that it got them into a hyper and unstable state of mind.
Yesterday I started watching it. I started watching when I would get frustrated, when I would yell. And before I yelled, I’d stop myself and think “will yelling help the situation?”. So far, it’s been no every time. The dogs seem to be listening to me better today than usual, possibly because I’m not screaming at them.
But I wanted to sincerely thank you for this blog post, I think it may have fixed an ongoing issue for me, with my dogs and more than likely children in the future.
So, thank you!
Adriana says
OMg I yell SO MUCH!!! It’s like you wrote exactly what goes on behind MY closed door. Thank you for the inspiration! Everytime I yell violently I think “that’s it, if I hadn’t completely damaged them before, this one definitely just permanently ruined another little part of their brain. I am the worst mother ever!” But I know it’s not true. I have totally known that it happens more frequently when I am electronically distracted but then I deny it. Why?! I hereby pledge to stop yelling! And to put my Stupidphone when we are together. The other morning I was sitting in the dark in our little laundry closet with the 3 of them so they could wave glow sticks around. I thought, “I never do this. I am never just here. Being. With them.” It felt so amazing. I felt guilty about the novelty of the situation! Here’s to many more present moments!
Kim says
This has tugged at my heartstrings,I’m a yeller and have noticed it more and more. Time for things to change,thank you
Lisa says
Thank you for sharing. My mom was / is a teller, or rather, a screamer. It has scarred me and my sisters and now we all struggle with the urge to yell when we’re frustrated. We grew up learning unhealthy ways to react to any and all situations. I now have a daughter of my own (6 mo) and I cry sometimes when I get frustrated out of fear that I’m reacting like my mother. I pray and try my hardest to keep my emotions under control because I know most things are not worth getting upset over. I want to be a mom who is not feared, but respected and loved. It’s a daily challenge but I’m up for it and I know the rewards are/will be worth it. Thanks again for sharing. <3
Lisa says
Thank you for sharing. My mom was / is a yeller, or rather, a screamer. It has scarred me and my sisters and now we all struggle with the urge to yell when we’re frustrated. We grew up learning unhealthy ways to react to any and all situations. I now have a daughter of my own (6 mo) and I cry sometimes when I get frustrated out of fear that I’m reacting like my mother. I pray and try my hardest to keep my emotions under control because I know most things are not worth getting upset over. I want to be a mom who is not feared, but respected and loved. It’s a daily challenge but I’m up for it and I know the rewards are/will be worth it. Thanks again for sharing. <3
Katie B. says
I felt like this story was written specifically for my twin sister. I visited her and her three darling girls (4, 2, and 2 months old) this Christmas but was utterly shocked at the amount of angry yelling that went on. My sister is absolutely exhausted trying to keep up with three energetic daughters, not to mention a new baby, the scars of post-partum depression, and refusing to take her anti-depressants because her husband discourages her from taking any meds. She is also very self-conscious and an extreme perfectionist bordering on OCD. Those beautiful girls got shouted at so much that I finally intervened and begged her to stop. For my pains I was told to get out – with nowhere to go, because my flight didn’t leave for another day. I know I can never go back to stay with her, but we talk on the phone and I miss her and my nieces so much. She loves her girls but can’t stop trying to control everyone and everything with yelling and tells me “not to rush into having kids” after almost 6 years of marriage. I so hope she can read this without me accidentally starting another fight.
Katie B. says
After Christmas, my sister admitted to my mom that her oldest daughter told her one day, “I don’t like you and I don’t want to be anything like you.” When she asked why, my niece informed her, “Because you yell.” I was surprised my sister was honest enough to even admit it, but part of me is relieved I’m not the only witness. The other part of me is horrified and wants to shield my nieces from the same sort of childhood my sister and I grew up with.
Joscelynne says
I needed this more than you know. Thank-you for writing this piece. Thank-you for letting me know I’m not alone and for reminding me that it’s not too late. Thank-you for making me cry.
Nicole says
Beautifully written. I really appreciate your transparency. My mother was a yeller. In saying that, I want to make excuses for her, like that she had five daughters, or that the younger three of us were within 1 1/2 years of each other so that must have been hard. But if she would have taken a moment to see that I spent the majority of my childhood in fear of her, she might have been a different mother. Now I have a child of my own. She’s 11 weeks and the joy of my heart. I know I’m going to have to work hard not react to her in the way my mother did; I feel that her ways have been hard-wired into my mind. After all, we are products of our environments. But your post is a reminder that however we are manufactured, we ultimately have control. I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me. The thought brought me to tears as I read your story. I can honestly say I’ve never followed anyone’s blog before. I normally just read random posts I find here and there through friends, Pinterest, etc. but I have subscribed to yours today. 🙂 I look forward to reading more!
Taylor says
I am in tears reading this. Thank you so much for your insight and motivation to change and always work on being a better parent. I love your story. I am sharing it on my fb page to enlighten others as well.
Stacy says
My mom was a yeller. So what did I do when I became a mom? I yelled. All the time. And my children were never bad. I just yelled. I could actually hear “myself” saying why are you yelling and I would still do it. I also realized, with a broken heart, that my children were afraid of me. You’d think I would have known this being a child who was yelled at. I remember the day very well. It was my best show ever. I am thankful that God allowed me the front row seat to their stunned reaction. Mouths wide open knowing their mom had lost it. That was it. No more. Sure there were times I was still upset and raised my voice but the yelling was over. A very special person in my life pointed out to me that when a person continues to do things like that while thinking why is not in control. I was offended at first, but after speaking to several doctors and finally having one who would listen and give me medication, it was better. However you do have to be careful who you admit to that you are on medication. So many assumptions come along with that. My son turns 23 today and my daughter will be 26 in a few months. We have a wonderful relationship. Sadly they do recall the yelling fits. When I say how sad I am that they have those memories, they always make me feel better with comments like you changed and made things different. It just made me realize that we really can do anything we want to, if we want to badly enough. Thank you for sharing your story. I see it has touched many lives!
Megan says
This very topic has been on my mind for most of my life. This is me. I come from a family that behaves just like this and didn’t want it for my own. Guess what? Old habits, especially those ingrained in your very being, are very hard to break. There are days I just want to crawl under a rock. My kids don’t sleep which is a huge trigger for me. Exhaustion doesn’t create a calm mind, just a tired one so it’s hard to start the day in the hole. Thank you for having the courage to post on this topic. I am going to bookmark it and read it often.
Kelli says
Thank you for sharing! This was beautifully written and deeply impactful! Loved it.
Tamijoy Sisemore says
Thank you for sharing this! I needed it!
Beverley M says
Crying here. I never thought about yelling that way. I need to learn how to stop.
Jennifer L. says
All I can say through my tears right now is thank you for touching my heart!!! I just thought back to my own childhood and as I read this listening to my only child playing in front of me with such innocence, realizing she doesn’t deserve to have the same feelings about her childhood when she gets older! I get so mad at myself everytime I yell at her, which makes me feel even worse. Thank you for sharing and I plan on reading more about the 365 day challenge!!! My daughter deserves nothing but the best, and I need to be the main one giving it to her!!! Thank you!!!
Nancy Pierce says
The teacher who helped her children to write those poems used The Important Book by Margaret Wise Brown. I use it for Mother’s Day in a similar fashion, and I am always touched by what the children state. Often they end by repeating the first line: The important thing about mothers is that they love you.”
Amber says
Thank you! I really needed to read this today. The past two days have been very rough and I’ve found myself yelling more than I normally do…I’m already a yeller. I have 2.5 year olds twins and I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my third. I have wanted to stop yelling for quite a while now and I think your post has committed me to change. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in my struggle. Thank you for helping me become a better mother.
Cindi says
Bless you for writing this.. The sheer number of comments on your post really brings home how many of us have been affected by this. Thank you. Thank you for bringing about the dawning of awareness in my own mind.
Lucha says
Children have this amazing way of reflecting how we speak and relate to them back to us. When my daughter was younger I used to yell sometimes and I saw how unpleasant I looked and also felt when I did this. I started to become more mindful of my own reactions and the need for a simpler life where I could be much more present for her and also more joyous inside. The change has made a huge difference and I am grateful for what she reflects back to me.
Kaley M says
I think another important thing to add to your list is for you to seek anger management counseling. While I credit you for remaining calm with your children, several times you mention wanting to yell at them just because your day went wrong. That is not a reflection of anything your children have done, but a reflection of you and how you handle anger and stress. Please tell me you don’t spend countless hours in the bathroom calming down each day. If so, seek counseling immediately. You can’t just turn off the faucet of releasing emotions. You’ll blow up one day suppressing all that anger. Further, no one is “June Cleaver” and falsifying normal emotional responses will do nothing but create false perceptions for your children of how adults handle stress and anger. Imagine if you had a son and all he sees is his mom behavings as “Mary Sunshine” and everthing is rosey all the time. Imagine as an adult, his sheer horror when his wife comes home angry or showing disappointment when he fails to complete household chores. He’ll be heading to the divorce attorney. (and we wonder why our divorce rates are so high). I don’t condone yelling at your children all the time, but I do think there are times when a firm and raised voice points them in the right direction, teaches them about consequences and creates a well adjusted human being with real expectations. In your case, I read way more than “yelling is bad for your children.” There is far more to your need to control that anger that wells up in you when things go wrong and the desire to want to take it out on other people.
Kathy says
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I have curbed my yelling at my 7yo son in the last year, but there are times when I still let loose and then the rest of the day becomes a ‘yell fest.’ Reading your passage has resolved me to stop yelling completely. I agree that my brain is too full of things that ‘must’ be completed when in fact they are quite unecessary. You are inspiration to change my ways. Bless you lovely lady!
Cathy says
Where was this post when I needed it most, when my children were young?
Found it now! Stumbled onto this post via fb….so firstly I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing these very vulnerable heart shattering feelings, I had to fight back tears as I read all of these amazing responses, when we stick together as parents amazing things happen!!
My children are older now, 19, 15 & 13 & I shudder at my past self & how I used to yell at them as little kids, still do at times, my “baby” drives me crazy at times with her “it will get done Mum no big deal attitude”, but yes I said past self, because as of today & after reading this blog…THAT is no longer going to be my first response, I am going to stay calm & reasonable when I feel like blowing up. It wont be easy, old habits die hard…but I will be coming back to this article & these wonderful sharing responses when it gets all too hard for that pick me up & keep on going nudge I need!
Thanks again for sharing & let’s keep on becoming the best versions of ourselves as people & parents…just a quick quote to finish, I think I heard it on Oprah & it goes something like this “when we know better, we do better” so let’s keep sharing our feelings & AMAZING things will happen!!!
Crystal Green says
First off let me say that you had me in tears before this post was over. I had this yelling bit conquered once before in my life, but I’ve noticed I’m back on that track again with my kids. I HATE IT!!! They hate and it hurts them and me a lot.
I have got the Orange Rhino Challenge loaded up on my computer, and I definitely am going to join in on this effort. I know it will make a dramatic difference if I can conquer this nasty habit again in my life. I know first hand it will be a huge benefit for all involved.
Your right that feeling overwhelmed and deep in the pressures of life definitely plays a huge toll in the amount of yelling that is done. We only get one chance to shape our kids into the type of people we hope they will become, and it starts with us.
God used you as a tool today, and I am glad that I found your post. 🙂
Stephanie says
Thank you for this very timely post. I too am a “yeller”. It came as no surprise to me though because I’ve always had a temper. However, it has been worsened with having kids. I wasn’t so bad with my first. Everything she did was funny and cute. Now that I have another one and they fight constantly, I find myself losing my patience much quicker and yelling constantly at the two of them (2 and almost 4 years old). I hate the way I feel after a moment (or entire day) of yelling at them, yet I keep reverting back to it. This gives me hope that I can yet beat this with God’s help. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of mommy and I already see both of them flinching when I catch them doing something they’re not supposed to – they are gearing up for the yelling to begin and I hate seeing that in them. Going to be one of the things I focus on changing this summer!
kati says
Thank you for sharing this. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old and a 8 month old and I have tried over and over again not to yell. I am going to make myself less busy so I can be the best mother and friend they ever have. Your post makes me have hope in myself. Thank you again!
Charisa says
A friend of mine shared this post on facebook and I’m so grateful that she did! I don’t yell at my kids on a regular basis but it still happens more often than I’d like. I know that every mother out there is striving to become the best mother they can be for their children and your post has helped this mommy see things that much more clearly.
Thank you!
veiledturnip says
Thank you for your open honesty. I hope I can learn from and change as you did.
Kim says
My cousin forwarded me the link today about “yelling moms” I am one of them…I am sitting her sobbing right now because I feel everything you said is me exactly. You couldnt have described it more perfectly. Thank you so much for sharing this post and opening up my eyes again….I tell myself every day I need to put our business to the side or cut out early to spend time with my 3 yr old and 7 yr old and I dont…and I am constantly yelling over small things….thank you so so much…tomorrow is a new day and I am going to use this message!
Tricia E. Bratton says
Thank you for this post. I was a yeller, and it definitely had a negative effect on my son, who is now 25, as well as my other relationships. My son and I have talked about it and I have apologized, but nothing can repair the harm I caused him as a little boy. I feel so sad about it now. I hope that your blog will help others learn to control their reactions to their children’s innocent mistakes.
Susan says
Thank you for such a beautiful, thought provoking article that made both my husband and I cry. I read it first a few days ago and have re-read it several times since. Being kind and gentle is something I have been working on for a little while so this encouragement is so timely.
One thing that has helped me is to also talk to the children about the ‘triggers’, like saying to them, ‘when we are running late it really helps me when you get into the car and are in your seats ready for me to strap you in, that helps me so much’, or ‘sometimes it is better if I help you with the cereal/pour the milk etc because Mummy has spent a long time cleaning the house as we have visitors arriving, next time you can do it yourself’.
Thank you again from Australia
Elisa says
Wow! I am so glad I came across this post. I yell sometimes too and I hate it! After reading your post I feel better knowing I’m not the only one but I am also going to stop the yelling. Thank you for this wonderfully insightful look into your life as a parent.
Shelly Giordano says
Thank you. Thank you for the truth and the reminder. Thank you for being real. Today is a brand new day… and new beginning.
Kyra says
Thank you, I am the first to admit that I am completely over whelmed at days and find my self at whits end yelling at my kids. I will now take this with me and make me the best parent I can be. Your words brought tears to my eyes, I know what I need to do to continue my journey of the parent I always wanted. Thank you again
Maryann Troche says
This was beautiful to read and written as if you knew me. Unfortunately my children were raised in this manner not because I was busy trying to take care of things I wanted to do, but because my children’s fathers (I was married twice – children from both) were so bad that I was trying to make life work and only making it worse by being angry. I’m saddened to realize this part of mothering I failed at. I wanted to be different than my own parents. And I was but still yelled for different reasons. I can only hope that now as my children have their own families that they know somewhere deep down inside themselves that I, their mother lived for them and loved them tremendously! Everyday I think of them. I pray always that they will succeed in being fantastic mothers. Wanting to be everything but me and succeeding. Think you for this beautiful glimpse of your life! It’s not many who can admit to thing such as this. I’m glad you realized what was happening while they were still young enough to learn to see to love the right way.
Grandma Lilli says
As a mother I learned early that my childern needed to look into my eyes when I was correcting them. I wanted them to know I disciplined them because I loved them, not because I was angry. But I learned a greater lesson – it’s hard to be angry when you see eyes full of trust looking back at you even though they know they have done wrong. Recently our oldest child honored me by presenting me with a beautiful ruby ring and quoting the verse, “For her price is far above rubies,” from Proverbs 31. Look into their eyes everytime you talk to your children, and you will reap many rewards when you are older and realize that your children, your husband and God are your very best friends.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
That is absolutely beautiful, Grandma Lilli. What a wise and compassionate woman you are. Thank you for blessing us with your words. I will remember them.
Christy says
Thank you so much for this post. I am trying to stop yelling at my family and was very touched by all you wrote. It gives me hope. I’m grateful that I found your blog and grateful that things have improved so much for you and your family. Good job!
Chrissy Caballero says
Hi there! Reading your post has brought me to tears. You are amazing storyteller. What struck me most is the realization that oftentimes, our yelling is the result of our own frustrations and self-imposed busy schedules. I have caught myself several times yelling at my son and I often regret it because I later realize that he was just trying to get my attention as I was too busy with what I was doing (emails and other tasks). Thanks so much for sharing your story 🙂
Tara Cooper says
Thank you so very much. I just completed day 2 of being hands free and I must say it has had a profound effect on me, my children, my husband and the overall energy in our home. I admit I’ve been addicted to having my iPhone attached to me at all times, I have allowed it to interrupt every moment of my day. I hear it “ding” and I stop what I’m doing to read the message and often respond immediately. What I was finding was that I was always stressed, always anxious and often yelling at my little ones because they were interrupting me, when in fact after reading your beautiful article, I was interrupting my time with them. In just 2 short days-the fact that so much has changed for the better – I know this is EXACTLY what I needed to read. I was going in a direction in my life that I didn’t like and although my iPhone is used for my home based business, I understand that nothing is ever important enough to interrupt my quality time with my precious babies. I love my business and it can often wait – my children however will only be small once and it is in these years that we build qualities in them like trust, respect and understanding without yelling. Your article is truly the best gift I have ever received to be the best mom that I can be! You should receive an award for this! I will do my very best to get this in the hands of all moms that I know and don’t know. This has certainly gone viral! Thank you Rachel!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Tara. I wish I could express in words what messages like this mean to me. Just know that I am smiling and crying and celebrating this wonderful awakening you are experiencing in your life. What a gift to me to read these words and know that you plan to share the Hands Free message with others. I am grateful for you!
Christine says
Wow. That’s me…and I just finished yelling at my 2 yo for doing something…..jesus, I’m crying now and boy oh boy….I need to stop yelling. Thank you for sharing that.
Mom forever says
I’m a Grandmother now and a former yeller at my children… because of stress and no modeling from my parents about communication to discuss and resolve things, to acknowledge a child’s feelings…. I knew I wanted to change but had very few resources to turn to. Today, I hate seeing my daughter & son yell at their kids! I was so determined to change though, I found 2 books I can recommend that really helped me and the techniques I learned worked like magic!
1. “Parent Efectivness Training, or PET” by Thomas Gordon, teaches how to have boundaries while acknowledging your children’s feelings. I’ve gotten many compliments from strangers as well as my own mother while applying these principals.
2. ‘How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk” (I can’t remember the authors name) worked like magic while using these techniques with my 2 teens!
Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding job I ever accomplished and I just keep modeling the calm effective communication I learned with my Grandchildren and am seeing more & more change in my daughter’s communication with them. I did come right out & tell her though, that her excessive texting was the reason the kids were acting out and to stop blaming them, she really listened to me. Sometimes people need to be told directly in a calm patient manner while not upset, things that are so glaringly obvious, but they just don’t see, until it’s pointed out to them.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you. I truly appreciate you taking the time to share what helped you curb your yelling. This is what it is all about–sharing our struggles and ideas for turning things around. The comments on this post are so inspiring and hopeful. I appreciate the way you brought the texting problem up to your daughter. I know first-hand that I lost my awareness of what my excessive phone use was doing to my relationships and a gentle reminder would have really helped me see what I was missing. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
Sally says
My eyes have been opened to the root of my yelling at the kids that I’ve been searching for. I’m a yeller and get frustrated with my kids because I’m either pushed for time or distracted by something else, so it’s time to make some changes within me so that I can be a better mum before the guilt eats away at me and me kids can’t stand being around me.
Sharon says
Thank you, thank you, for this beautiful piece. You have a way with words that just opened up my heart and my tear ducts! I am an overloaded mother and I hate it. I don’t yell so much as just ignore my kids and don’t spend enough time with them. I am going to change, with God’s help. Thank you again and God bless you!
Liz says
I don’t have children (saw this posted on a facebook wall) but read this and felt like it could benefit me as well. I’m a military officer and too often, we yell at our young sailors instead of giving them the tools we need for them to be successful. I’ll be sure to keep this in mind next time I want to yell.
Dhara Tay says
You wrote so very well.
I went through the same experience myself with my 6 and 4yr old boys but I did not write as lovely as you did.
Your sharing is beautifully simple and yet with impactful punch of expressions that so truly expresses your process.
An easy, light, comfortable yet very enjoyable and educational read. You are inspiring.
I look forward to reading more of you.
truly,
Dhara (Singapore)
Kylie says
Thankyou for writing this. I am a yeller – I was diagnosed with PND at the end of last year just before my third child turned one. It is something I struggle with (yelling) as I find that it is the way that I would release my anger and frustration. I also noticed that my eldest child would get scared of me when he did something or the baby cried as I would usually go off and he would bear the brunt of it, even if he had nothing to do with it – I found I just had to yell at someone/thing. Since seeking help I have gotten better – there is still room for improvement but it is comforting to know that the damage that has been done can be repaired and strengthened.
Thankyou again for sharing your story.
Kylie
Graham says
I wish my own parents learned this earlier. Their kids are all grown-up. No we’re not even kids anymore. We ourselves are of parental age. But spilling cereal is exactly the rage trigger for my mom. And we’ve been put down condescendingly for half our lives thinking we’re that useless each time we made a mess.
Bertie says
This hit home for me so hard…. I really, really needed to read this today. I’ve been in my own process of making amends for my outbursts with my kids. That look of anticipatory fear in one of my child’s eyes when she spilled something and expected a yelling rage from me set off two things in my mind: one was guilt… the other was, I’m embarrassed to admit, annoyance. Annoyance that she would think that I would react in anger over what had happened. I actually was annoyed and thought “I’m not the kind of person who flies off the handle enough to invoke that kind of ‘overreaction’ from my daughter!” And yet, there it was, reflected back to me in my daughter’s face. That moment began the change in me. More recently, my son commented that it was nice to see me laughing and having a good time at an outing with extended family, that usually I’m angry a lot of the time. Here I was thinking that for the most part I was an easygoing mom who showed her kids she loved them at every opportunity, and then I am shown by those very precious souls that I’ve been in denial all this time. I am really trying to not let the distractions of life and my own shortcomings cause me to create that situation ever again. Thanks again, you give me hope.
Heather says
Thank you so much for this! This was definitely a Godsend and he knew that I needed it right now. I too have been struggling with anger issues due to an extremely high stress level from all the things you listed above. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone in that and that it doesn’t make me a horrible mother. I am working on this myself right now and finding things like this post helps me to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can change this and make my families life that much better. Thanks for the tears and the encouragement.
Sharla says
Your post has come to me with perfect timing. I sit here with tears in my eyes reading your post as if it was my own words coming back to me. You don’t know me but your words have inspired me . Thank you , I don’t feel so alone now.
Stacia says
I am from a long line of yellers (and spankers) and struggle nearly every day with this. Thank you so much for the post. I don’t want my kids to grow up in fear of me. It hurts my heart to think about it. Fairly close in age, I have a 4 yr old, a 2 yr old, and a newborn. The older two get into a lot of things and some days the frustration and sleep deprivation is just overwhelming. I will be thinking about this article a lot and putting it into action in the coming days…
Stevie Jean says
Thank you! I’m also a yeller & I HATE that about myself. I also see the fear in my kids eyes and it breaks my heart!!! I don’t want them to see me as monster.
I have a 20yo, 8yo & 6yo. My first child got it the worst. I was young, my life was a mess and my parents were not the best examples of any type of positive parenting, so I did to her what was done to me. Even though my oldest and I are in a better place today, I still carry a lot of guilt, pain, shame and regret.
My parents did teach me one thing, the type of parent I don’t want to be!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my journey as a mom. But I am learning and the love I have for my children, pushes me to do better.
Nicole says
This hit home *hard* for me. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty!
Cecilia Palacios says
Wow! Wow! Wow! what a touching story lived. I am so happy to read this story and hear that there is more mom that has realized this. Being a mother is something that only moms know and it is really up to us to realize these moments and how they can change us. I am a parent coach and I guide Moms every day to learn these important lessons in life, because at the end KIDS GIVE US THE GREATEST LESSONS IN LIFE!
Keep up the work with your writing, I will share with my group to touch much more lives out there!
Mary says
My husband shared this on Facebook and told me to read it, and I just read it earlier today. It really hit home, both reading the touching article and all of the comments going along with it. This is me in a nutshell with my two girls, 6 and 3. And I am going to make a conscious effort not to yell anymore, to keep my cool in situations, or if I need to, walk away and take a breather. I did not grow up in a family of yellers, so I am not sure why I do this. It is almost like I think my two girls should be more like adults, and that sometimes I forget they are so young. But I too have seen that fear in their eyes, and that makes me feel terrible. I have stayed calm all night, which is important because my husband works his second job some nights, and he is not home. I am proud of myself for not flying off the handle when my daughter spilled some water on the table cloth. Thank you so much for posting this article…it is a real eye opener and makes me realize that I am not alone…in fact, many of the comments and your article sound so similar to my life. I am going to be a better mom now!
Alexis says
Thankyou. This is me completely. I also had a moment recently that led me to the same conclusions. After a horrible few hours of yelling at everything, my 4.5yr old daughter told me (on Mother’s Day) that she didn’t think that I was suppose to be her mummy cos all I did was yell and not listen. This broke my heart. I now stive to achieve what you have.
Kim says
You may have just saved my relationship with my partner and step-kids. WOW – Thanks xo
Amy of BelovedAtmosphere says
I want to thank youy for this amazing post. I have had a strikingly similar story, and have just experienced a major life event in moving across the world. What better time to commit to making the personal change of not yelling at our children anymore? Thank you for your honest, thoughtful, extremely well-written post here. Blessed Be!
Louise says
Holy cow that is exactly how I am, a yeller because I’m just trying to read an email or search for something on the ipad. And yesterday in the shop our 2.5yr old boy put his fingers in the plastic of a meat pack (which I was now going to have to buy) I smacked his hand and then yelled at him, and I felt so bad straight afterwards as it was in public. And when I get them out of the bath ready to dress them and they run and hide I guess I should just go with the flow, chase em catch em then dress them, instead of standing on the spot yelling at them to ‘come here to me’ and I will try to whisper and silence by one of the other readers sisters as I don’t want my boys growing up yelling like their father! I hate it when he yells at me 🙁 when he is under pressure from work. thankyou for your post
Louise says
and when I’m am trying to read an email or search something on the ipad it is work related as we are self employed and it can be a wee bit stressful at times
Sarah says
Thank you thank you thank you! I’m a shameful yelled. 3 kids and a husband away 7mths of the year has me behaving like a monster. Last night I lost the plot completely. A lovingly given and Lego project was destroyed by my son, the playdoh afternoon activity saw it go all over the floor and the shower routine ended with kids jumping up and down screaming in excitement – all drove me over the edge and I yelled. More than normal. And my eldest son flinched as he walked past me with me still yelling!! What am I doing? What am I thinking? They are children! What a perfect post for me to read today. I need to change. Simply I have to. Starting today it will be my personal challenge. Growl less. Understand more and in times when all else fails – walk away.
Thank you
You may never know how much this post has changed my life, I just hope I can look back one day and say “I was a yeller, but things changed.”
Nancy says
Wow, I just found this, as I looked for help on how I can change. With tears in my eyes I write this. I am a yeller, and today as I yelled at my little boy, I looked into his eyes as saw fear. I felt so crushed, so low, I felt like such a terrible mom! When did I become a yeller and why in the world would I want to yell at people that I most love? What’s wrong with me, and OMG, how will this affect them now and in the future? I need help!!! Why do I let my emotions get so stirred?
Leah Cook says
I wrote something so similar over a year ago and yet I still find myself in the same situation some days.
As mum’s we all know that each day is different, that the battles we faced yesterday might not even begin to compare to the war zones that we may face today.
I am still a yeller. Behind those closed doors that are supposed to be a haven for our children.
That look of utter despair, of terror and fear? I’ve seen it in my oldest boys’ eyes more times than I would like to admit. And yet… I struggle to remind myself that I am not perfect so why do I expect so much from them?
Why do I cope so well with the first spill of cereal in the morning yet by the end of the day I’m losing the battle to control my emotions and my inner balloon is so tightly wound that a simple problem becomes yell worthy?
Being a mum is the hardest, most unrewarding job I have ever had to do. Unrewarding? I hear you all yell. Yes. Unrewarding. For now at least. I know that if I can reign in my hasty yell, cuddle more and scold less that my children will learn from this.
They will also learn that it’s okay to be angry, sad, frustrated but it’s not okay to take it out on others.
My journey is still continuing, I am not perfect. So why do I expect my children to be?
Caroline says
Thank you. (as tears stream down my face). That really hit home.
Nikki says
I am so glad I found this. I am a yeller!
It’s so unjustified. No one wins!
Thank you thank you thank you.
Jodi McFarlane says
Your honesty is beautiful. I felt so many different emotions while reading this, the first of guilt. I had to swallow back my tears as I have felt the same way, then I felt ‘normal’ as I know so any of us go through times like this and then I felt stronger because you are right, it’s never too late to stop yelling. Thankyou for posting this. 🙂
Erin M Threlfall says
What a beautiful piece. I could really relate. Thank you for sharing.
LC says
Beautiful post! I just have to comment that since my son has become a very rambunctious 1.5 yr old toddler, I do yell from time to time. It’s seldom, and it’s often after repeating to him to stop doing something in calm manner (like when he’s opening up all of my makeup cases and smearing it all over himself and the bad and the walls) as I am trying to get ready to ready to bring him out to play. Unfortunately, it’s what I turn to when his super rambunctious behaviour has been going on for too long and he isn’t responding to ANYTHING else (including the whispering thing, which I read someone else above had recommended). To be honest, at this point, because it is so seldom when it happens (once a month maybe?), and because I know that I am very calm and reasonable with my actions the rest of the time- and even when I do yell, it’s a calculated decision after many, many alternative attempts- I, for some reason, do not feel guilt about it (yet). I could see though how this could become a habit in the future and how I wouldn’t feel good about it. In fact, I almost think that the yelling that the author and many of the other moms are admitting to may have started off as innocently as my case- once in a while, when your toddler is acting especially out of control, after several attempts at very single other way to to get him/her to stop, and escalated over time. This post has caused me rethink this method- as this is probably the root of things. Thank you for your honest post!
Cori says
Rachel, thank you for posting this. As a mom to 5 kids, 4 of whom are less than 4 years apart, I can relate. I used to be a yeller; it was all I had known as a child. And when the kids were really little and I was trying to juggle a newborn, a one year old, a two year old, a three year old and a nine year old, it was my default form of discipline. But like you, I had that ah-ha moment when I realised my kids, although they loved me, were scared of me. I had chosen them over career, but still worked from home and had spread myself too thin.
When I realised what I was doing to my kids, I immediately backed off. It was not easy, there were days where I wanted the relief of ranting – but not to the detriment of my precious kids.
Like you, I eased back on electronics, on work and focused more on my kids. They are older now, all in school and college, and now I can focus on work again. But as a result of that ah-ha moment about 14 years ago, my relationship with my kids is all I wished and prayed mine had been with my parents! Our kids LOVE being with us (and the 4 youngest are teens) and share everything with us. My husband and I are blessed.
Thanks for posting this and being transparent.
lucy says
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading this……I hope I can take some of this with me as I raise my son.
26.2 Stickers says
You nailed this post. I’ve tried to put those thoughts into words before, but failed. This sounds exactly like what is in my head. Thank you!
Taren Atkinson says
Thank you so much for this. I am down and out as a parent, a wife, an a human being. It was really inspiring to read this and I am so grateful to have found it today. <3
Anne says
Just found your blog today and have read a few already. I’m not a person who is totally tied to technology — no smart phone here! — but I do check my phone and e-mail way too much. As a mother of an almost 2 year old girl I recently made a conscious decision to stay away from the phone and computer as much as possible when she is around — and even when she’s not!
This yelling post definitely hit home. I realized that I was taking things out on her often. Not cool, and in the past few months I think I have gotten better. Good luck with the book.
Elizabeth says
Thank you for this. I’m not a yeller, but I have a three-year-old who sometimes brings me to the verge, and your story inspires me to be a better, more patient, loving, and understanding mother. It’s my first time reading your blog but you had me at hello. 😉 Beautiful writing. Thanks again.
Maria-Victoria Ramirez says
I’m sobbing as I write this (the PMS might be helping!). I just want to say thank you for sharing your story and thank you for giving moms like me loving hope that it can be done differently. I am on this very journey and I still fail, constantly but I am trying my hardest to be the mom my children deserve. Like you say, society’s pressures and so much distraction can cause so much strain on a parent. Daily I’m a grateful to find people like you and friends that agree parenting can and should be peaceful. We are swimming against a large current but united we can change the world. Our greatest contribution is our children so being a peaceful parent is important. You post was touching and poignant. May the rest of your journey be filled with love letters from your little ones.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You have touched my heart with your gorgeous perspective: “We are swimming against a large current but united we can change the world. Our greatest contribution is our children so being a peaceful parent is important.” I will remember these words. Thank you for joining me in revealing the struggles and joys that come with parenting. Together, there is so much hope. Thank you!!!!
ARussell says
I see that you have had so many comments since your post – But I wanted to tell you that today – reading this has meant so much to me. I TOO was a yeller – and I still have hard days, hard moments – and I really appreciate your example. It has only been a few years for me as well, and my children are older – but even though they remember the yelling, they are so forgiving. thank you for reminding me of that. 🙂 Your post is so inspiring –
Kelsey says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so ashamed to think of how much I yell at my newly turned 4 year old. Granted it can be tiring being her mom, with her adhd and sensory issues. She never stops moving, talking loudly, and just being a kid. I know these traits will bless her in the long run but gosh it’s hard. I need to stop yelling. I see that same face with scared eyes when she knows its coming. I’m starting to even loose my patience with my 15 month old, how sad is that!?! Can’t believe I will have another one to add to the stress in October. They are such beautiful wonderful blessings though. Your post has inspired me so much. I need to get a hold of myself and get my life in order to be the mom I’ve always wanted to be, so I wanted to thank you for helping to push me there. My girls would thank you too if they could!
Brittany says
Saw this blog post from my Facebook page and knew I had to read it. Not because I am a yeller, but because I also overcame yelling at my now 4 year old son.
Your story brings me to tears as I realize my own victory in overcoming yelling. Being understanding has replaced the initial reaction to yell. Sometimes I just start laughing at those moments I typically would have yelled. My boy used to join in on the yelling, now he joins in on the laughing. This life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. I’m trying now, by example, to teach my boy how to enjoy life when things dont go as we’ve expected them to.
And it’s so good to hear when other moms are doing the same.
Thank you for sharing!
TJA says
Thank you so much for this amazing post. I too am guilty of being a yeller – and it makes me feel absolutely terrible each time it happens. My son is 9 and I want to be cherishing his childhood not correcting silly things that in the scheme of things really truly do not matter.
This post has really resonated with me and for that I say a huge thank you. I will be sharing this with my husband.
My business is to help people take control of their health and well being – so thank you for giving me this insight into how I can take better control of myself.
Have a wonderful day and keep smiling!
🙂
alienredqueen says
This is awesome. I’m tearing up. Sometimes I am not as patient as I want to be. OFTEN I am too involved in my computer or TV or studying. And even though I see it I STILL have a hard time finding balance; I’m sort of a compulsive multitasker. Gonna check out the Orange Rhino. Thanks!
Mindie says
Thank you for writing such a beautiful and raw confession. I admit, I yell too much, wishing I could take it back immediately. I now know that I’m not along in this and there is hope for me….NOW!
Glad God has made you a voice 🙂
Juliet says
I just came across this wonderful blog! And this article came at the perfect time. I thank you for writing this! I have recently become overwhelmed with life and did not realize how much. I have two boys 5 and 7 and a three yr old daughter. We also have two dogs. My three yr old has had some sleep problems and I have been exhausted! After reading this article and crying, I vowed I was not going to yell anymore! I need to take a deep breath…. I have not yelled in 1 week and it feels so good! Thank you so much! I am back!!
Wendy says
Echoing what many have said, I have to thank you for writing this. I have SO been there too, and hadn’t recognized what a huge transformation has taken place in my home, or really why. Those yelling days were unbearable, and sometimes an article like this can be just the nudge to replace despair with hope.
Replace
“I am so weak!”
with
“God is so merciful and SO strong!”
Thank you!!
Island Jay says
Oh how I could have used this info 40 years ago. Your post is incredible – thanks for sharing and hopefully others will come away with a renewed sense of not being alone in these stressful situations and know it can be re-corrected.
Bless you!
Nicholas says
Wow! Thank you for sharing.
Christy says
Thank you so much for sharing! This is something I have to work on everyday. But this post really made me think. Thanks again.
Jaime {sophistimom} says
Thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear.
Erica says
Just beautiful, thank you
Mary Ellen schantz says
This was a gift. Thank you!
Nicole says
I want to thank you for sharing this. I know that it must not have been easy to open up about this part of your life. Several months ago I realized that I struggled with exactly what you described. And it was all because I was overloading myself. I have since challenged myself and get better every day. Not every day is easy and sometimes I still struggle but reading things like this are encouraging and uplifting. Knowing I am not alone and that I can get to a better place of communication with my kids and husband without yelling. So thank you, for inspiring me to continue on in my journey to not yell.
Chantal says
This story just had me all teard up and shy in my shoes, I am a yeller and your story just touched me so much. I have a four year old and a 9 month old and i work a 7:30 to 16:00 job and i am married. And at times having to do everything a wife and mother is expected to do, it gets frustrating and I start yelling… Your story just taught me so much, so from today i will take the step not to yell anymore. Thank you for sharing your story, so brave of you
Lily says
Thank you for this post. I’m 21 and my parents are both yellers. I have to say that all this is true – I am emotionally distanced from both of them and am constantly impatient with them. Growing up, they were affectionate yet at times very impatient, and all in all, very confusing. It leaves a deep scar there.. my mom treated her own aging mother with sarcasm and impatience and it was painful to watch. I simply hope I don’t turn out like that someday without spoiling my future children, either.
Zoe says
I stumbled across your page today, I don’t really know how I found it, but I know I was meant too. This article was written for me and I am so grateful to you for writing it. Not only is it nice to know I’m not the only one, but it is so reassuring to think I can overcome this. I just hope and pray my beautiful little children don’t remember those horrible dark moments of my life. Thank you.
Ruth Carmichael says
Such a beautiful reminder to “not cry over spilt milk” which we’ve heard all our lives. I learned early on in working with beginning scouts (boy and girl) that whispering actually gets their attention faster than raising one’s voice. They don’t want to miss what you have to say…thank you for sharing!
C says
Thank you for sharing this, so inspiring! God bless you and your family.
Kelly says
Thank you so much for sharing this story! I am in the midst of struggling through putting away electronics and focusing more on my children and family. It is so hard to break the habit of checking things that are truly so unimportant. You give me such hope! Also, reading the impact of your not yelling and your daughter’s sweet response to your lost chapters is so powerful. I have never been much of a yeller, but find myself losing my patience quickly and resorting to yelling. I will now try to hear this story in my mind, when I am tempted to yell:-)
Abigail says
Thanks for this, putting down in words what so many of us Mums feel and fear of what comes out of us. I have already shared this on facebook for other parents to read. Thanks again!
Megan says
I just read this to my 7 year old, because we are in a similar boat. I never thought I would yell and be so frustrated as a parent. It opened up some communication for us and a chance for a new beginning for both of us. Thank you for writing this.
Marie says
I’m so happy I found your blog a couple of months ago. You are an inspiration to me and every time I take the time to read a little something on your blog it reminds me that me too, I can become the mom I know I can be. I just registered to the orange rhino challenge today and already since this morning I bit my tongue a couple of times. Please continue to write, as your daughter said, you a good writer! Thanks for everything!! Marie
Mandy says
Thank you, this helped today. :’-)
Lauren says
I remember fearing my parents reactions when I spilt a glass of milk at dinner, forgot to do my chores or fought with my brother. I remember the feelings that I felt and how unkind their yelling was. My husband recently pointed out to me that I have a tendency to be a teller, taking after my parents. Now with our first little one on the way, I fear being a teller with my children. I have been working on it and have made a conscience choice and am determined to not be a yeller. I think this post will help! I plan on printing it out, to read to myself each night as a reminder of how to be and how not to be. Thank you for this post!
Kagi (@soracia) says
This made me cry. A lot. I grew up with a parent who never realised what you did, that he was making his children afraid, that we were scared of him, and still are in a lot of ways. Those scars can last a lifetime.
Shared this on fb, I may put a link on my blog as well. Thank you for illustrating this dynamic so clearly and compassionately. It does make a difference.
Sierra says
I love-love-love this article. I’m not a mom but I work with children n a Pre-K and although I don’t yell, I feel like sometimes I’m always getting onto the children. This puts it perspective and to not get so worked up over the little things. If I need the children to pick up their toys, instead of getting frustrating and counting for them to hurry. I take a little extra time and help them! So far it has made the students and the whole classroom happier! Thank you for this!
jasbeeray says
I feel like i am reading about me! I yell at everything, or used to. Now i try to reflect before i do but don’t always succeed. I nag n my Daughters will shut down giving me blank look. My words were so hurtful n mean. How could i do this to my own child. An occasional yell still manages to escape out of me. It’s sad n bad n i know i shouldn’t. So the only way i m handling this is by putting all my important stuff in the back seat. Will little distractions i won’t be unduly preoccupied. Also i have started a time out because mostly its the sibling bickering that gets me worked up.
Meera says
loved it, I grew up in a household with a lot of yelling so I know how it feels like when you are a child. I promised myself that I would never resort to that as a parent and your article has only strengthened that resolve. Thanks for writing this beautiful and poignant piece.
Kati says
Thank you for this post. I cried thinking about all the time I have wasted and the strained relationship between me and my children. I have four children ages range from 6 months to 7 years. With all that is required to run the household, I feel like all I do it yell at them to keep our busy schedule running smoothly, when in reality smooth doesn’t matter. Reading this, I realize that the little things my 7 year old has been doing lately that get her into trouble, are big cries for my attention. My 5 year old was recently diagnosed with Autism and everyday is a struggle with her. We are still learning what will work with her, and this too can become overwhelming. My 1 1/2 y/o and 6 month old require so much attention that I tend to send the older ones on their way too much. Thank you for helping me to realize these things and bring attention to the fact that I need to change. I need to focus more on what they want and need as children and less on things that aren’t so important. Yelling stops today 🙂
Kim Flouhouse says
Welcome to the world of autism. Here is a link to a really good and very open blogger. She is extremely active in the world of autism and is a great resource. It gets better. And yes, patience is the key. Patience with your little ones and with yourself.
http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club/
Natalie Archer says
Wow. How true. Thank you so much for sharing this. It has meant so much to me. You have opened my eyes. Thank YOU.
Wendy says
Here’s a funny visual that keeps coming to mind (and making me laugh!) that might help someone in those extra tough moments: golden retrievers are great at playing the part of “Old Yeller” and still looking cute… I don’t think I could pull that off. 🙂
Remember: we are weak and forgetful so we will remember that we have a Lord who is STRONG and does not forget us.
Emily3 says
I appreciated this post. I came here today from Momastery, though I used to read your blog on occasion. I’ll get you back into my regular rotation 🙂
I grew up in a house of yelling, and with 2 kids under 4 I have started getting into yelling on occasion. I always hate myself afterward, but I have learned to get calm and then apologize with sincerity. I realized this: why would I want these sweet kids to grow up in a house of yelling? Do I want them to think of me the way I think of my yelling / impatient / irrational parent? No way.
It’s a matter of remaining calm despite whatever inconsequential (or important) things are going on that disrupt the peace. Remaining calm can be really tough sometimes, especially for an introvert who cherishes silence and solitude and often doesn’t experience those things in a young household. I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle’s books and trying to stay in “the now” and that helps regain a level of calmness.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Rachel!
Charity Feb says
I’m as grateful for the comments as I am for the original post.
How scary to put yourself out there, Rachel – and all of you! – exposed to judgment and judgmental prescriptions for how to “fix” this.
Just look how many of us needed to hear “you’re not alone” and “you’re not *bad*” and “you can change” and especially, especially, “keep trying, keep forgiving yourself, and keep repenting, even when you fall.”
On the journey with you all.
Patty Clark says
I have been trying but I am NOT winning the battle, I am loosing the war! I spent 6 hours in her room while she was visiting her mom for the week-end. Her room was beyond messy, it was disgusting. I found 2 jars of half eaten pickles hidden wrapped in clothing in her drawers. A bottle of steak sauce on the inside of her bed which dripped on her mattress down to the floor. Under the bed there were three boxes of cereal that are NOT cheap and were all stale and ruined. I bottle of soy sauce hidden in her top drawer, that dripped all over her clothes. Towels that she had tried to cover up pee on her bed, which she stuffed in bags in the closes with clothes. I didn’t bust her chops about it. I cleaned from 10 am to 4:22 pm. I went and bought her a new mattress and a new lamp and her room looked beautiful. Every 12 year olds dream room. I told her what I found in her room, NO YELLING…..A lot of hugging and we are starting on a clean slate. I tell her NO more Briana. Her peeing to bed, she doesn’t get in trouble for because I don’t think she has control of it. She does get in trouble when I say bring out your sheets if they are wet and put them in the laundry. She always insists she didn’t pee to bed. She gets in trouble for lying NOT peeing to bed. Instead of yelling I decided to take things away her iPad, her phone, her laptop. But like I said fresh slate as of Monday night. Tuesday, I woke her up all was well she brought her sheets out, and we had a great morning. We even ordered her a pair of shoes she wanted online. Wednesday, I went into wake her up for school and guess what a jar of pickles half eaten. The pickle juice was spilled on her bed. And I said Briana…..NOT YET YELLING but very ANGRY …WHAT IS THIS? Her response I DON’T KNOW. And it just escalated from there. There were Q-tips all over her bedroom floor I angrily told her to pick them up and throw them in the trash! I went in they were cleaned up! I looked in her trash they weren’t in there. I said where are they? She said she threw them in the bathroom trash! They weren’t there either! I said Briana, totally loosing my patients where are they? Did you put them behind your dresser and they in your drawer? Where are they? She said the dog must have eaten them! The dog. The dog was outside all morning and there is more but you get the gist! It turned into us screaming and crying and shaking and it is NOT what I want. But found it like a spit in the face. She didn’t say the words fuck you Aunt Pat, but she might have well, because that is how it felt. I have now put a lock on the fridge and she gets plenty to eat, and plenty to drink and we have a snack cabinet that is always available to her. The fridge is only locked between 11am and 6am. I can NOT believe that I don’t know how to get through to her. I am sad and hurt and confused and am worried about her feeling sad and angry! If anyone has any advise please help. This is NOT new. It has been going on since I got custody of her. I know in the beginning she was hoarding food due to being afraid it would be gone tomorrow. But we have done everything to make sure she knows that. We always have her favorite foods and snacks in the house. Pickles are off the list for a while and she lost her cell phone. I am seriously considering taking her bedroom door of the hinges. I don’t want to do that she is pre-teen, and needs her privacy, but if her privacy is being sneaky and spilling food and condiments all over her room. I don’t know what else to do. I love her so much. I want to give her the world because she was dealt an unfair hand, and I am sorry for that. I need advice. She has been in counseling. She has a lot of friends. She is involved in sports, she plays soft ball and she is good at it, she does gymnastics and she is a natural at it. She plays the drums. She has sleepovers here and at her friends. She has everything I can give her to feel safe, secure, and loved. And she is all those things. She is angry at her parents. I told her write it down we will send it to them, but she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings! I am thinking Really, you don’t want to hurt their feelings? But I NEVE say that. I said okay write them a letter and get your feelings out, it will make you feel better. We can put your letters in a bottle and take them down to the river or the ocean and you can toss all those feeling right in the water with the letters. And she loved that idea and we did and we had a great day, but she just is so disrespectful and sneaky, and I don’t know how to handle it. Yelling is NOT helping. As Dr. Phil would say how is that working for you? It’s NOT, I welcome any advise and – or constructive criticism! Please help my niece and my self. I love her and she loves me, but this is awful and it is hurting me and I know it is taking a toll on her as well. I have always been her favorite aunt her whole life. I got to be in the delivery when she was born. I fell in love with her, and I have fought for her and spent thousands of dollars to make sure she was with me when her parents went to jail. I want to be her favorite Aunt again, but it’s hard when I have to parent her. She really is a great child. Please help us!
Patty Clark says
typo….the fridge is locked from 11pm to 6am!
Sandy Blackard says
Patty,
You love your niece so much and her intolerable behaviors are breaking your heart. You are trying so hard and doing so many things right (her room, her social and developmental opportunities, the letters, your boundaries) to help her bring some order to her life which to her may seem otherwise – more like her room.
Given the hoarding behavior, the bed-wetting and her parents in jail, trusting that she actually has control over her life may take quite a lot of time. It is clear that you are committed to helping her get through this and that you will always be on her side. The trick is getting her to see and feel that.
As a parent coach, I would recommend finding a qualified family therapist who can support you both in the long run and help you make sure that you are indeed providing everything you can to help her feel safe, secure, and loved. The rest is Briana’s to do.
One final note to help you keep things in perspective – remember that to have the social success and task focus you describe and the ability to confine her behavior issues (as intolerable as they are) to just her bedroom is quite remarkable after all she’s apparently been through. To have come that far, she (and you) must be very resilient.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Sandy, for sharing your wisdom and extending such compassion. I am grateful for you and feel comforted knowing there are people like you in the world.
Patty says
Sandy, thank you for your great response. I am going to check out some family therapists in our area. I want to know if the parenting-Aunt thing I am trying to accomplish isn’t working. I know there has to be one thing I can do to make this better for both of us. I feel like I am missing the key! This journey has at the very least I hope helped Briana to know there is a different way to live. Our way has been dysfunctional on some level as well. This is effecting our whole family. I am a mother of two boys, ages 22 and 11 and my husband. My boys adore her they know her plight. They know my pain of trying to find her and be in contact with her and crying myself to sleep because I didn’t know she was safe or where she was. And it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. I had no legal rights and would have ended up arrested. I was “just her Auntie” and I loved her so much. My oldest son has moved out college, girl friend his own place doing his thing. But both my boys have commented to me regarding her disrespect towards me. Briana and I were “arguing one Saturday morning, YES, I was arguing with an 11 year old. my youngest son Christopher came out of his room and YELLED at me (more yelling – just saying) and he said “Mom, you can NOT yell at her like that, she is a little girl. This came after I found 6 bags of trash in my carport from her cleaning her room because she wanted a sleepover. I said sure clean your room. She through everything away….everything that was on floor, clothes, toys, hair dryer, hair product, two pair of jeans brand new with the tags on them, my hairbrush the list goes on! I told my son to keep an eye on her I had to take a walk, I grabbed the dog b c he is probably stressed out too. I walked for about 40 minutes came home hearing my son telling my niece…My Mom loves you and you are hurting my moms feelings and he does not want to hear her talk like that to his mom ever again. And she apologized to him and she said she loved me too. And she was hugging him. I know she is hurting. She is scared, I am scared. The courts are all about re-unification with the bio family. And I made her a promise and I intend to keep it. I am NOT sure her mom is going to even file to get her back and well lets just say that is her choice. I’d be blessed to be able to keep Briana. Briana is so torn she wants live with her mom. She misses her brother Brandon SO much and she loves her twin sisters! And she wants to be with her mom! As a child of a drug addicted – junky parent, I always wanted my mom. That bond is indescribable and very powerful. And I WILL NOT fight if her mom meets the requirements set forth by Bucks County Children and Youth and the judge and I believe her (and right now I do). I will sign my rights over. GOD THAT IS PAINFUL TO WRITE LET ALONE SWALLOW THAT TRUTH? How am I going to give her back? HOW? I know she is NOT mine and she’d hate me! I have NEVER lied to my niece. She lived it all. I answered the questions I could I know she loves me too. But this sucks. I am all like thinking I did the right thing….I don’t know yeah on paper, but in my heart I want to keep her – she is NOT property. That sentence I just typed….what gives me the right? I am a mess! She is with her mom again for the week-end and I don’t have to let her go. But she wants to and her mom wants to and that is good and I KNOW that and I am swear I am truly happy for that. I really do want that for Briana. Briana has ties to our community, we are a mid class neighbor hood, maybe lower mid class, but decent. She started school with us was 4th grade. She will be entering 7th the end of August. And half of her is telling me she is going to be with mommy soon. And the other part of her is saying, “Aunt Pat, you have to hurry up and sign these papers and sent them in for 7th grade. Her mom is not looking in our area. I don’t know why since Briana is her only school that is in school. And Briana keeps telling her mom about all these houses for rent of sale in our area. She wants the best of both worlds….the house next to us went up for sale she was sure her mom could just but it! Her mom IS NOT looking in this area. That being said the area she is looking is very nice and a good school district.
I copied your response and saved it to a file on my computer. Thank you very much for the advice / response! I really should re- read my responses before clicking “post comment” sorry for the language!
Hayley Monteith says
Thank you so much for this blogpost, I needed to read this as I have been feeling so bad about the way I speak to my children, I needed to read this today as I have been feeling so utterly useless and guilty about my actions. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to do this!
Karen Burton says
This was a fabulous post. I was a yeller, and I guess in a way I still am, but not like i was.
At one point, I would just yell, yell about toys, yell about anything. I was also in a domestic violence situation so instead of raging back with violence i just yelled or did nothing at all – I was so inconsistent.
Once I got us out of the domestic violence, we moved in with friends and that is when i was able to start controlling my yelling. Didn’t even realize it until one day when my son told me I wasn’t yelling as much. Although, when I did it would be a blow out like no other – we would both scream at each other and both would end up in tears in the end.
I was a 15 year old mom, i had 15 years of childhood doll raising experience, then domestic violence for 3 out of the 7 years i was with my husband (the married years).
I still yelled, but only on the very serious infractions, someone started a fire, pointed an air-soft gun at someone vs a target, finding drugs/paraphenalia things like that.
My son is now 20 and has a child of his own, my last little blow up may be the reason that I am not allowed in my grandchild’s life (he is now a month and 16 days old) and I had to pay to see the baby (2 days after birth).
I was so upset I even wrote a small book, Was it Worth it?
My last blow up – was catching the pregnant mom and father to be with drugs in my home. I lost it – I screamed, I cried, I didn’t understand how they thought that weed or synthetic weed was even okay during a pregnancy – they packed up and moved out that day. No matter what I do, no matter what I say at this point I am wrong – if I help (by getting a car out of impound and paying the fees) I’m wrong, if I don’t help I’m wrong.
I used to have the best relationship with my son, now I have none and I don’t know if it’s from my last yelling episode, or if its from the synthetic drug use. But I know that as I wrote my book, I learned a lot – about myself, about children, about the mistakes I made.
After being in a domestic violence household, spanking was not even an option after that. I told myself that physical violence was never again allowed.
I’ve learned that I allowed my guilt from placing myself and my child in a situation that was violent actually caused more harm. After we got out there were no real rules and boundaries. I would literally be fine with everything, then just when everything built up to a point I would scream. I actually wonder if made the entire situation worse because of my guilt.
cindi says
Karen, you might find it interesting to look for the long term studies that were done in Jamaica, reference marijuana use during pregnancy. Given the misinformation that surrounds marijuana in North America, something that is, thankfully, slowly being corrected, I can completely understand your reaction in the situation you mentioned. I can also understand, though, the reactions of your son and his wife and their unwillingness to remain exposed to a situation in which they were being judged. A very sad situation for you all….I hope you all can find some middle ground so there can be some peace in your relationship.
Rachel says
Thank you SO much for this post. It really hit home for me. My husband and I were married almost 2 years ago and he has 3 children from his previous marriage—his wife passed away suddenly when the youngest was only a baby. We are also expecting our first together, 4th child, any day now 🙂 Needless to say there are a lot of issues we are working through. I have always considered myself a patient and soft-spoken person, but since becoming an instant mom of 3 kids and all the issues that come along with forming a family that has already been, but needs healing, I have become a yeller and I had that moment the other day where I realized the kids are afraid of me. I know the kind of mom I want to be, but it’s so hard to actually do it! I HATE that. I so want that healthy relationship with the kids, but struggle with my own feelings of inadequacy and the need for “perfection” in living up to what their mom would have done and my high, admittedly unrealistic, expectations of myself to be the perfect mom and do it all. I sense them starting to shrink back and even get apathetic and it scares me. I needed to read this today and will read it every day to remind me of the kind of mother I truly want to be! THANK YOU!!!
Desiree says
This hit me hard..Teared up..My son is very short tempered. And will yell and hit at the drop of a hat and I know he learned it from me. I hate it. I want to stop yelling so badly! I was raised my yellers. I am from New York. Thats how you are heard. This blog woke me up and Im going to try so hard to not yell .
Maria says
Thanks so much for writing and sharing this. As the mom of 3 and 6 year old boys, the beginning of your post described my life so incredibly. I had noticed myself starting to yell over the last couple months, with it really increasing in the last week or two. I hated the mom i was becoming!! Just reading the first part of this helped me get through bed time with my prizefighter without yelling. Getting to sit now and read the rest will help me through the days to come.
Thanks again.
Mahwash Rehman says
Absolutely love your article!
Kayla says
Thank you for opening up and writing this- I can completely relate!!!
Michelle Lubbers says
These words have come at a perfect time, thank you for sharing the real parts about parenting. Yelling is a problem for me, but now it really makes sense. Now is the time to stop the madness and rebuild.
Cat says
I am so happy I stumbled across this post. I am sat here crying my eyes out as I dont want to be a yeller but I know I am, not all the time but enough for it to be a problem. I suffer from a chronic pain condition and sometimes I just cant cope with my own stuff to have the patience needed to help the most important person in the world to deal with his! I am trying to change my ways and this post fell into my lap at just the right time to let me know im not alone and its not too late to make it better. Thank you!
Nancy says
Wow. You seem to have hit a nerve with a lot of people. You certainly hit mine. My kids and I moved in to take care of my Alzheimer’s mother almost 10 years ago. It has been a long haul. I quit my job 2 years ago to be her full-time caretaker. In that time, I have become a yeller, no, a screamer. My kids don’t deserve who I’ve become. I don’t deserve it either. Thank you for your words. I will choose a peaceful response. Thank you.
Tim Dawes says
Wow, that’s very touching. I’m so glad to see an article with compassion for yellers. So often we want to condemn yelling and we forget there are reasons we yell. I admire your discipline and your courage in telling the story.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Tim. I enjoyed reading some articles on your site. Thank you for the valuable resource you provide parents. I love that you had a whole section on parenting teens. I am often asked by my readers for resources in this area. I will send them your way. Best wishes, Rachel
Rachael says
I am embarrassed to tears as I type, I am a yeller, I hate it, I hate myself for it…
I didn’t know other mothers felt this way, I thought It was just me being a horrible mother…
I am starting today, to try not to be a yeller, God help me!
Dawn Kubie says
Dear Rachel:
This blog post hit me particularly hard this morning and I’m so grateful. I’ve shared it with my friends and so many people have reached out to me thanking me for sharing it, but I wanted to pass along their gratitude to you. It’s easy to be annoyed with the little ones and forgot why we’re doing what we’re doing in the first place. For too long I’ve given myself permission to yell, thinking that it’s my parental “right.” Not that I can undo all the damage, but every day that I’m mindful about making change helps. Like you said, “Today I lived and so did you.” From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being so candid and for sharing what so many of us are hiding.
Kari says
I needed this today. Like so many others I am forever attached to a phone, a computer, an ipad, and if not technology, my calendar, and my notebook full of to do’s, and to buy’s is not far behind. I have always thought that is who I am. I am a reader, a planner, an organizer, a researcher. I list, and plan, and think. I read, and write. Somewhere along the way I got married and had two beautiful children. Two boys who are more rambunctious than they are calm. Two beautiful gifts from God who are full of energy and life, and not one ounce of laziness. Unfortunately, I didn’t change. My children were something I did, but didn’t love doing. I keep them clothed, fed, and entertained. They have toys and tv. They have a pool and game systems. BUT, they don’t have a mom. Sure, I watch them swim, and we snuggle on the couch to movies, but I am not really a mother. I yell when they are noisy, I spank when they are “bad”, and I ignore them when I just can’t take anymore. I am not a mother. BUT, I want to be! I want to be everything that God has led me to be in my life. I want to put away my phone and get out the dinosaurs. I want to be ok with playdough on my clean kitchen table because it can just be cleaned again. I want to buy fingerpaints and bubbles because they are fun, not avoid them because they are messy and require supervision. I want to like playing with my sons because I know they LOVE playing with me. I want to get IN the pool, not just sit on the sidelines. The funny thing is…I am a teacher. I am a very hands on teacher with lots of activities and games and playtime in my classroom. I want to be that for my boys. I want to curl up with a book instead of a movie. I want to play candyland instead of mario. And I want them to go to bed KNOWING without a doubt in their hearts that their mommy loves them and gave their all to them that day. Thank you for this today. I needed a slap in the face. Someone to tell me what I have been thinking about for a long time. I needed to cry all over my perfectly filled out calendar. I needed to be interrupted from reading twice by a three year old because he wanted a hug and because his iron man doll also wanted a hug. Thank you for making me realize, it is time for me to be a mother!
Vanessa says
As a newer mom to an almost 2 year old I am often in search for wisdom, encouragement and direction on how to do this whole mama thing better and in a way that God would want me to. Thank you for your honesty and awesome insight!
sahar syed says
very touching, inspiring and true!
Thankyou:)
jhanis says
i just learned about the challenge today and June 4 is my official start date 🙂
gary says
love the idea of this blog. very sweet.
but if you are really hands free, how do you have time for a blog?
Chantelle Moore says
Thank you for this. I actually lost control this morning and felt terrible all day. I feel so overwhelmed at times like I don’t know how to get through to my two year old, no matter how hard I try. I know yelling isn’t the answer, and I hate the feeling I get after doing so. I ordered a parenting book earlier today so I can learn to deal with my frustrations because more often than not when I lose my cool with my son, its because I’m already frustrated about something entirely different.
Sidney says
I would love permission to repost this on my blog. You said it sister… This was amazing for me to read and I too have seen myself shift into the “oh no here comes the alter ego” … Great blog post! Please let me know….
LWB says
Thank you for the great insights.
I still have problems with my yelling dad. He yells every day at least once and hurls threats and insults. It is difficult for my mother to cope and for me to see how he treats her. He stops for a few days when she loses her patience and yells back at him.
I tried for years to rescue her, but finally realized that she loves him! They have been married over 70 years! They are 90 years old!
Hopefully my children don’t remember the times I yelled at them. I will share this article with them as an apology and encouragement in their lives.
Thanks again.
Monika says
this was very encouraging for me, just to know that i am not the only one having hard times and trying to change my way. thank you
Gina Schuchman says
That was beautiful! I went through the same thing as a single parent. I worked really hard to not be a rager like my mother was. The unfortunate thing is that that is how my kids seem to remember me. They are 25 and 27 and I hope those images will shift for them as they continue to develop and grow. It’s an important lesson to learn: that no matter how much we try to be good parents, perhaps the best we can hope for is that they will go to therapy someday!
Wendy Ray says
The seemingly sad, but VERY HAPPY fact is, even with phenomenal parents, we will all have problems we handle badly and all need Christ to carry us through this life at times, especially when tensions are high. Even with phenomenal parents who do everything right, each child will need to come to that realization, for themselves.
That’s the therapy we all need. 🙂
Gordon says
Thank you. Thank you for your honesty and your openness. I yelled a lot at my two girls when they were quite young, and I hated myself (and still do, to some degree) for every time it happened. I’ve read a large number of your posts and have spent a fair bit of time sitting shamelessly at my computer with tears in my eyes. It is such a relief to know that I’m not alone and your writings have inspired me to change how I deal with my girls. I apologized the other day to my youngest (now 8) and told her how much I hated myself for yelling at them. She said that I scared her, and I told her that I scared myself as well. Then she said, “Daddy, even when I was scared, I still loved you.” That, alone, is reason to stop yelling. I love my kids and want to do better by them. Your words have started me on the path to a better relationship with my girls. Thank you!
Julia says
Wow. Let me just start by saying I am so inspired by what you wrote. It really struck a chord with me, because I have tried (especially this last year) to be kinder and yell less at my husband, especially when he makes small mistakes or forgets things.
As my husband and I are starting a family this year, God willing, this need to be kinder, more compassionate, and more understanding of human foibles and mistakes has been even more at the forefront of my heart and mind.
A friend linked to this on Facebook, and it brought tears to my eyes because I felt such a personal connection to what you describe. I’m a medical student one year from graduation and becoming a physician … and with that comes much stress, long hours and frequently little sleep. After a day of caring for my patients with compassion and kindness, I’m often exhausted and unfortunately sometimes take out any frustrations I have on my husband. He is a wonderful, understanding man who knows it isn’t really about him most of the time, but all the more reason he doesn’t deserve it, and of course, neither do my future children.
It is never easy to admit flaws or weaknesses, and especially to such a public forum as the internet, so I can’t tell you how much I admire you for talking about all of this. I plan on printing this entry and putting it on my refrigerator or desk (or even both!), so I see it and am reminded to love those that I love AS people that I love — with kindness, love, compassion and understanding. And forgiveness.
Thank you so much for sharing… it touched my heart deeply today (and I hope, for many many days to come). Blessings and love to you and those you matter most to you. Thank you for touching my heart today 🙂
Effie says
Every parent should read this. Thank you.
Amy of BelovedAtmosphere.com says
Dearest Rachel,
Thank you for this. It is truly one of the most honest, thoughtful, provocative pieces I’ve ever read.
I am proud to say I have shared it far and wide via my blog and social media in the hope others of us may benefit from your Divinely Inspired knowledge and gift for sharing your heart. This topic is so timely – so many of us are getting caught up in “Keeping up with the Joneses” in day-to-day life. We survive and sustain a veneer without truly living and soaking up every precious minute with our children and our loved ones.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For having the courage to speak up, the Blessed heart to care for your family so much you share your journey here, and the intelligence to communicate your thoughts so eloquently.
Blessed Be!
Amy of BelovedAtmosphere.com
DB says
I also wanted to stop yelling but found it really hard. I finally turned the corner after reading “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice” by Sarah Chana Radcliffe. Anyone who really wants to stop yelling should read it!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for the suggestion!
SouthernBelle says
Thank you for this wonderful and inspiring post. As my sweet little boy has started to grow up and become his own person, I too have found myself far to often screaming and yelling in frustration over his mistakes and decisions. And with every incident I feel even more like a failure as a parent and a mother, because in return I find he is learning to respond in the very same manner. Lately I’ve been feeling God’s calling on my heart to reign in my reactions, to show tender love and not let my desire to yell overpower my desire to be a loving, faith-filled mother whose child looks to for guidance instead of fear. So Thank You! for showing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that it’s never too late to change your path. Many blessings to you and your family!
Alison says
That was a very special post. I just came across your blog for the first time and that post brought me to tears, I can think back and imgaine my mom had similar struggles when I was little and it’s nice to see what is going through your minds during all of it. I hope I can be a great mom like you someday, and have my daughter write such sweet words about me.
Thanks for the post.
Jenn says
Hi, I love your Blog!!! 🙂
I LOVED “The Important thing about Yelling”. I have an 11 year old daughter and I’ve been there, I’ve let the kettle blow the lid more than once. I’m a single mom and I’m a multi-tasking, over-achieving, over scheduling mom, list checking mom. You’re blog is so helpful to reaffirm what I already know – They’re only little once, life is short and there’s always tomorrow! 🙂 Thank you.
Lisa Matarazzo says
Thank you for sharing
Amina Makhdoom says
I was so touched by your post. Thanks for sharing and being so tranparent!
Bella says
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I read your post and honestly it could be an account of my own spiral in to yelling, every morning and especially before bed! I think my son has almost come to expect it! BUT after reading this I felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself, this was not who I set out to be!
Since reading your post I have not yelled, I am firm but at the flash point I breathe, pause, get his attention and then continue with what I am asking him to do in a calm voice and praise him when he responds.
The result, I am sleeping better and we have a calm and relaxed bedtime and my boy knows that his mummy is back.
Thank you, you are an angel. x
Julie K. says
This is an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing this with the world, because I think you will inspire a lot of women. I hate to see my “workaholic” friends yell at their children for stuff I think it’s normal for them to do. Of course, since I don’t have any children of my own, I’m immediately judged and reminded that I don’t know anything about it. I mean, that’s ok, I can live with that. But I think they have a problem, which they’re trying to solve on their own and it’s not working, so they yell to express their anger. And kids don’t deserve that if they occasionally spill milk. That’s exactly what you’ve come to realize and let’s hope your message reaches many other women. You are a great mom and you have great kids as we can see!
Buy Scentsy Online says
Thank you!! I needed this today! Sometimes we get so overwhelmed and stressed that it is hard not to snap at the little ones. Thanks for the amazing reminders!
Jessica Hekman says
I had to tell you that I read your article a month ago, and it has completely changed me. Oh how amazing is the change in our home with the absence of yelling. Thank you for sharing your heart, and in doing so helping me change. I even blogged on my own blog about your article 🙂
http://jesshekman.blogspot.com/2013/06/an-article-that-has-changed-our-home.html
Vanessa says
I had an “i’m a yeller” revelation as well. I was in the kitchen preparing something to eat, my six year old was right next to me….practically on top of me… trying to see what I was doing. He ended up crushing one of my toes (he in shoes and I in bare feet) and I saw him flinch. It clicked. He was scared of me. I even asked him, “were you scared I was about to yell at you?” He said yes. I instantly tried to make better efforts to remain calm when the children do something I disapprove of. This article has helped me realize my efforts could still be improved. Thanks for your candid revelation. 🙂
Heather says
Thank you!!
This brought me to tears and not in a good way. I am THAT mom you once were. To say I feel a deep sense of guilt would be an understatement.
As we round out our last 2.5 weeks before #3 arrives and start a day that is going to be stressful, I’m so thankful to have read this. I know today and the next couple weeks are goin to be insane (who isn’t stressed in the final weeks before a new baby arrives?!). Thank you for sharing your experience for helping me see and understand that it’s ok to take a step back. I will be able start off on a better foot today just from the couple minutes it took me to read your post.
Nikki says
Thanks so much for sharing this, this was such an encouragement to me. I have beaten myself up for years because I was a yeller. Through the grace and mercy of God I have been working very hard on all of the things you mentioned the past 8 months. It was nice to see I’m not alone and other moms have experienced the same struggles. Will be sharing this with others. 🙂
Dawn says
Thank you so much for sharing! Such a great message and one that I will be implementing into my life.
Mama 2 Kate says
Thank you so much for publishing! My daughter is only two and though the times I’ve yelled at her are few, the guilt is huge! I have apolgized afterwards but I know she is too young to understand that apology, so it continues to hurt my heart. A couple of times my yelling (the time she smashed a bowl onto the floor because I would not allow her to continue to take other dishes from the dishwasher) she cried – for a long time. I felt so badly and trying to logically explain to her that she did something that scared me for she could’ve really hurt herself meant nothing. Mama screamed and she got scared and hurt.
My mom was a yeller and I survived…but, I don’t want my daughter to simply survive or become resilent to it. I just don’t want to be a screamer. Being raised by a yeller – it sort of comes automatically and I want to break that chain. Now.
Thanks again for letting me know I am not alone – in the yelling or the guilt. I love when I can end my days with just telling her “I love you. You are a beautiful blessing. You are perfect.” and not havea need to add “I’m sorry.”
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for the heartfelt and honest message. I think we are so much stronger when we share our struggles with one another. I love that you shared what you say to your daughter at the end of the day. Those are some truly powerful words.
AW says
I too am the child of a yeller, and as such became a yeller myself. Thank you so much for this post, I’ve been taking the 30 day challenge through the Orange Rhino and it is helping me SO much, but without this post I wouldn’t have found it. I am so grateful that you had the courage to post this, you’ve made my kids’ lives and mine better because of it. Thank you!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so grateful to know the impact this post had on you–and that it brought you to the Orange Rhino challenge. You have made me smile today.
Britney says
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much! I have a one year old, and I find myself constantly distracted by electronics, and I know I need to put it down. Oh, I needed this. Bless you.
Nicol says
I am so inspired by this article. I too have been a yeller (I was raised in a yelling family) and have recognized that I have fallen short when it comes to raising my kids. They have in turn become yellers….which is how I have come to know that yelling is not right. I began thinking to myself, “why does my daughter get so upset and yell at everyone in the house?” Wake up, Nicol! It is from your examples that they got this way. Wow….hard realization to come to. Everyday, my heart is broken by the mistakes I have made in taking out my anger with those precious lives that I birthed. I intend to ask them for forgiveness and ask them for help in moving forward with the “new Me”. Thanks so much!
Nicol
Chelsea @ Moments A Day says
I know you have received SO many comments but like everyone I was so touched and moved by your article and thank you for writing it. I also linked to it in a post 🙂 Love your wisdom, and I appreciate the time you take to share it on behalf of all the parents inspired by you! http://www.momentsaday.com/top-10-ways-to-show-your-kids-you-love-them-without-words/
Penny says
I am tearing while reading your post as it seems describing exactly myself. The guilt inside me keep rolling. I am a yeller since having my second son for 1.5 years ago. My elder son is 6 now and he has been going through all the sudden change from me ever since having his little brother. I admit I am not doing well in parenting as little mistakes could make me release my anger and yell at my 6 years old boy. Probably it was due to pressures on coping with two kids and all the on-going list of house chores everyday.
I’ve always knew it’s wrong to yell. He will become more stubborn and eventually he is yelling back to me now when he is frustrated. I have set a very bad example to him!
Your story here had made me realised how I should change and giving me a hope when I thought I am the worst mum ever that yells and spanks too! Thanks for sharing this, really. When we are lost and don’t know what to do, it’s always a big comfort to know we are not alone and there are ways to rectify situation. I am printing your story to remind myself everyday for a change to be a better mum. I need to learn how to stop yelling and create a new bond with my older son. Hope it’s not too late and I would be able to do it. Thanks again for your inspiring story.
Wish all the mums out there who encounter the same problem to be able to get rid of this yelling attitude for the sake of our kids.
Greg says
This is the exactly what happened in our family. There was yelling at the two girls, now aged 11 and 9, and that went on regularly. 18 months ago my wife and I separated and I have the girls 5 nights a fortnight. During the first few months after I moved out and whenever the girls were with me, everything that they did that I did not think was the way it should be I would yell at them. Their behaviour was not that great and they wanted to go home to Mom. Earlier this year, I just thought yelling is no longer in the dictionary and I do not raise my voice at them. The girls have changed when they are with me, since I took a good look at the way I was treating them and now I dont think I would get annoyed with them even if they were to hit me in the head with a hammer. When I have my girls with me life just seems so much easier and it is a home not a war zone. We the parents created the children and as such it is our responsibility to look after them, not make their lives a misery.
Emmy says
Thank you. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being honest in your struggles and for giving me hope. My mom was always the role model of patience- I don’t think I ever remember her raising her voice. I too was great, until I had two kids, then it was like something snapped and I hate it. I do work on it, and I do good at times then seem to slip. You know, I think the difference is I still do have too many things in my life. Thank you. Going to pin this so I can read it again and again.
Eddie Tucker says
Thank you so much for sharing this. As a newly single father of two wonderful little girls (about the same age as yours) I find myself in similar situations. I find myself getting too busy for the important things and then getting frustrated with them when they are just being kids. Thank you for helping me see that.
LK says
I needed this.
I wish I could write a giant thank-you and a long post about my feelings… I won’t burden you.
Just… someone sharing this on common ground on a website I’m on… it definitely came at the perfect time for me, thank you.
Carol says
Thanks for this post. I sometimes get so busy trying to do things to make my family’s life better, that I forget who I am doing it for and get frustrated with them for “interrupting”. My two girls are the most precious thing I have in my life. They need to always come first!
alee says
As a new mommy to a wonderful 3 month old, this entry was powerful. I can only hope that my daughter will come to me because she knows I will help without the fear that I had for my mother. Thank you.
karyn says
Great great post, and most importantly, very special kids you have.
Elise says
Thank you. Just. Thank you.
Kathleen Kauffman says
Since you sent me the link to this older entry on yelling, it has literally taken me over a week to be able to read it all the way through without weeping.. Thank you, you are my angel, my Clarence!! (It’s a Wonderful Life reference…) I look forward to checking out Orange Rhino.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Awwww …. you have touched my heart, Kathleen. I am so grateful we connected on this journey. Thank you, friend.
Mischa says
I can totally relate as that seemed to be my mode of dealing with stress and feeling overwhelmed for many years as a single parent (something I choose for myself). But worse than the fear in their eyes was the shame from losing control and the knowledge that something important – a bond, a trust, a haven, had been broken.
We cannot change the past or our previous behaviours but we can come back around to our children and apologize and remind them that we love them despite our failings, and that they need not replicate but grow stronger than we were able to be. It is a true sorrow that one moment of losing control can wipe out many moments of goodness.
Those bad moments will always be a burden for you to carry but try to love yourself anyway and model that for them instead.
Kate says
My sister and I grew up with two yellers. Whenever anything wasn’t to their liking, they did the emotional equivalent of battering us round the head with their anger and contempt. Neither of them ever had a breakthrough like yours, and, when cross, they still do the same to each other. My sister and I both deal with serious depression and anxiety, and shaping the lives we have has been very hard work. I’m so glad you managed to find a better way for your girls, and I hope this post helps other parents escape the trap.
Niki says
After reading your post, I thought to myself “there is hope for me yet” Thank you.
Wendy says
:'(
I am a yeller. and my 7 year old is becoming one too. I hate it and I need to stop. I will be looking into those resources. Thank you.
Anne Marie Niglio says
Thanks for writing! You made me cry twice mostly b/c I have young two girls and struggle with the same thing! And you’re “say no to hurry-up” is great too.
Stacy says
I am so sorry for acting the way I did for 30+ years that I don’t think I can even forgive myself! If I could take back all those years and do it all over again I would in a heartbeat!
I should be saying this to my 4 children I must have damaged, and maybe in time I can. I still have a problem with getting out of control and saying things I don’t mean to say.
I’m going to print this and put it somewhere so I will read it everyday as a reminder & won’t forget to start turning things around.
For other people struggling with themselves PLEASE start making a difference in yourself TODAY!
Thank you <3
PWM says
Thank you for sharing your journey so openly. It is encouraging to know that I am not alone in my struggles, and that my kid is just a typical kid whose actions will invariably irritate. Thanks for the reminder of what’s truely important to us. All the best as you journey through motherhood!
Nat says
I know you wrote this back in May, but I am just now reading it. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for your honesty and for your encouragement. I needed to read this today.
Alison says
Thank you for writing this. I read it a while back and just came across it again. Your story and words are helping me focus on what is important make changes every day to have a happier family. So much of what you write strikes a chord with me and helps me be a better parent. Thank you!!!
Morgan says
Oh man, this hit me right in the feels.
I’m someone who had PPD and a colicky infant, and did more than her fair share of yelling early-on. I’m not proud that, or the near-constant crying, or the doors I may have slammed. Mostly because the times I REALLY lost it in front my little man, I saw that look of terror. I had become a monster to my own kiddo, which is the last thing I wanted. And it actually took reading your perspective (nearly a year later) to make me realize that it was a perceived loss of control that made me act that way. I had never thought of it quite in those terms before… life was spinning out of control faster than I ever imagined it could, and all I could do was feel sorry for myself.
That being said, adjusting my mindset – much in the way you have – has literally changed our lives for the better. I realized that this tiny little human and I are in this all together, for better or worse. I stopped trying to fight him (and my SO), and started looking at this from HIS perspective. Now, at one year, things are finally getting easier.
Either way, thank you for talking about something that isn’t easy to talk about. I think more women experience these trials than might let on, and it’s SO comforting to have someone bring it up for discussion. You go, mama!
Deb says
Thank you for writing this. I realized a short while back that when I feel so frustrated and raise my voice at my baby, it is always because I am overwhelmed in other areas of my life and take it out on her … my innocent child who is SO good all the time and who brings so much joy to so many lives. She is suffering for everything else that is wrong, and she is all that is right.
I will do whatever I can to ensure I teach her, as you taught your children, to be patient, kind and understanding.
I’m sure many of us were not raised this way – we were punished and made to feel inferior and incompetent. Our parents continue to perpetuate this behaviour by expecting us to raise our children in the same way (otherwise they will be indulged and out of hand, right?), and it is up to us to stand firm and raise a generation of people who will be compassionate and empathetic and bring about great change in the world.
Angelica says
Thank you so much for this post… Got me to tears. I’m a mother of a 10 month old beautiful boy… and there have been times where I yelled at him. Imagine… what can such a small kid do with that, and still he loves me so much, he prefers my arms instead of any other person’s!! I feel so miserable, but your story has made me remember the importance of my family and my child in my life. And most importantly, how everything else (my work, my cellphone, my e-mail, and my frustrations) must be left outside my house and my child’s life. Thank you so much, day by day will stop being a yeller too. You’ve inspired me to do so. THANKS! God bless you.
Stacey says
I read this earlier and it stuck with me. Tonight, while all three kids were simultaneously peppering me with questions about homework, the TV, and the computer as I had my arms elbow-deep in the freezer, searching for the meatballs, an avalanche spilled out. “Hold on a minute, please,” led to “Give me a minute!” and almost led to an all-out yelling, screaming Mommy-has-lost-it tirade.
Instead, I took a breath and called out, “All kids please put questions on hold — Mommy is being attacked by the freezer!!” with a laugh in my voice instead of anger. They all came rushing in to watch and laugh with me, instead of being on the receiving end of my wrath. Then, amazingly, they all helped me gather the frozen debris off the kitchen and put it back in the freezer. It’s amazing what a little hands free perspective can do. Thanks for that!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
That is the best thing I have read all day. You have given me a laugh and some inspiration. Thank you for coming back to tell me this — you have truly made my day.
Lindsay says
Wow. Really, wow. Thank you for writing this. Truly inspiring and just what I needed to hear. Now only if I could constantly remember the words you wrote, engrain them into my brain, and live them daily! But this inspired me to make a new start, so thank you.
This especially spoke to me because I am a writer and know exactly how frustrating it would be to lose three chapters of work. I am also in the process of writing a manuscript and while I love writing and feel it is a good creative outlet for me I constantly have to remind myself to not put it above my children. I experience the same exact frustration you described and I dislike myself immensely for letting myself get that way knowing my children are the most important thing to me in the world. Way more important then any book could ever be.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Again, thank you, and I hope to follow in your footsteps :).
yitzchak says
it also make a big difference if a person yells when something positive happens, to show that excitement is obvious. and can also be contaigious.
to yell only about the negative, shows that a parent has no self control
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for writing this. I grew up in a very abusive household (physically and emotionally), which included a LOT of yelling. I remember that feeling of walking on eggshells, dreading to find out that one or both parents were in a bad mood. After 7+ years of counseling with an incredible therapist and extensive progress (and still going regularly), I still have moments where I freeze up when I sense someone is angry or makes a passive-aggressive remark. All the praise in the world is undercut when you belittle or demean your child.
Kyla says
Just read this after a friend shared it on Facebook. You are awesome for writing such an honest piece about the reality of parenting and the power of being able to change. This is something I have been working on too and I applaud you for inspiring so many people to rethink their approach to life’s little mistakes.
Amanda says
This is so amazing to read from a youth stand point. My mum has always been a yeller, and now, to this day, I have a fear of people yelling at me. I’ve been given that pressure to be perfect, or else the consequence is yelling. I’m in high school now, and nothing really has changed, other than with college and all, it opens more opportunity for yelling. I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet, and my mum doesn’t seem to understand that, and because we don’t have that bridge of communication, I think I’m only getting further away from making those decisions. But that all is beside the point. My point is this is very inspirational. It’s a nice reminder for people like me that mistakes happen, even if I get yelled at for them, but it’ll be okay. All of this in mind, you sound like a wonderful mother, and I bet your children are proud 🙂
Julane says
I have the very same story. I yelled too much. And at one point I had a revelation very similar. I do want my kids to be slightly afraid of me, but not like that. In a respectful way, not cowering. Thank you for your words.
Sindy says
My husband sent me the link to this article. I am so glad he did. I have turned into a yeller and have been finiding it very difficult to control my anger at not only my kids but everyone around me who love me. After each episode I would feel so ashamed of myself and sometimes even dread that I am the worst mother in the world. I do love my kids but it is my sense of perfection when I am surrounded by people who are all lost in their own worlds. I don’t want to lose myself and see my kids stand by perplexed and lost.
Heidi says
Thank you! Yelling at your children does not solve anything. It does not clean up the spilled water. It does not bring back the missed phone call. And it does not build their self-esteem or character in any way. Thank you so much for this post. Children should never have to fear their parents.
Haley says
I see a lot of positivity on this page, which is awesome. It’s good to be inspired and it’s nice to see all the parents wanting to change. I’m nineteen, in college, I have no kids. And my parents have said repeatedly over the years that they don’t want to be what this article talks about. And have they ever changed?
Not once.
My parents are actually how I found this article! My dad linked to it on Facebook with the caption “an important read for all parents.”
I was reading a lot of the comments, and it sounds like a lot of you have younger children. Young children are honest, they often don’t know how to hide the things that they feel. Their reactions to you are open. And you can see them turning from you, closing off, and becoming afraid. I have become closed to my parents. The child with the fear in their eyes became a middle school student who never did good enough, then a high school student who never worked hard enough and cared too much. And now I’m the college student who never calls and never wants to come home.
My parents are sad now because they see my reluctance to see them or talk to them. They point it out sometimes, but it’s a bit hard to tell them that, “Yeah, if I never saw you guys again my self esteem would shoot through the roof and my life would improve tenfold.” Being in a house with parents who yelled at me made me scared at first. I was young, so I was afraid. But then it became self-loathing. Nothing was ever good enough for them, and they would ask me, “Why are you crying? There’s nothing to cry about.” So then I would burden myself for expressing my sadness. I would be sad because of my parents and then reinforce their attitudes in private, blaming myself for crying or expressing emotion.
Parents are supposed to help you grow. My parents murdered my self esteem, made me feel worthless, and told me I should be working harder when I felt I had nothing left to give.
It is so important that no one becomes a yelling parent. But please be aware of whether you’re only saying that you’re going to change, or whether you’re actually doing it.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Haley, for courageously sharing your story which will undoubtedly bring awareness to anyone reading it. Through your painful reflections, I am reminded that the words I say, my body language, the tone of my voice — it all matters when raising my children. I am reminded that acceptance and time spent with our children is so important. I want to know who my daughters are now so that when they are in college they will want to come home and share their lives with me. You have given me more inspiration to keep nurturing that type of relationship that I have started with them. Haley, I am sorry for the pain you have suffered and still feel today. I can tell from reading your comment that you are bright, compassionate, articulate, and strong. I am sorry that your parents don’t see that — or if they do — they do not acknowledge all these beautiful qualities. I am a big believer in communication. I think it is the only way to solving problems and letting go of the anger, resentment, and frustration such circumstances causes. Have you considered writing your parents a note? If your dad posted the yelling piece on his FB page I am wondering if he even knows how much he has hurt you. I am wondering if you told him how you feel that maybe there would be a chance that your relationship could improve. I will be sending lots of love and strength your way today. I cannot thank you enough for opening ALL our eyes by your powerful words.
Cheryll Bennett says
Haley, such words of wisdom from such a young woman; your parents should be proud. For you to be able to not only express but to understand these emotions already…so many people spend years in therapy before getting a grasp on why their emotions are what they are. Prayers for your continued healing and for the healing of your relationship with your parents. I hope they see your words here, for if they do I cannot imagine them not being moved to correct their behavior and mend the rift between you all. Thank you for sharing; I hope I am strong enough, with God’s help, to make sure that my son will always want to come home.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Cheryll. You are such a gem.
Zoey says
I Googled “I’m motivated to do important stuff because I don’t want to hear the disappointment in my family’s voices. Am I the only one who does this?”
And this link was the 6th one and the best one for me to read.
I wasn’t expecting a post about a mother and her children, but, I happen to be a Preschool Teacher and it touched my heart.
And I find you incredibly brave for posting about yelling.
Although educators are not allowed to yell in daycares, I definitely found a way around it that I’m not proud to say. I would glare at the child who would make the same mistake over and over again, and use a forced voice that basically indicated that they were not good enough.
And that’s so cruel.
I think I only stopped because I noticed my co-educator was doing the same thing and I had seen first hand how the child really felt.
Not only was I doing this, I was indirectly teaching younger educators to do the same thing.
So, I just spoke to the educator and said, we need to change the way we speak to these children when we think they did something bad. Even though we teach them everyday, not all of them are going to learn at the same rate.
It worked, but there were times where we would catch each other going back to our old ways.
But that’s why I love working with another educator because we can be accountable to each other and talk to each other about our outside problems, so are better focused when it comes to disciplining the children in a loving way.
We just need to love even when our lives stress us out.
Jamie says
I’m kind of a mess after reading this. My 6 and 4 year old, my husband and my own heart have a lot to gain from me making a change today. Thank you and bless you. Anointed words spoken straight to my heart today.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for your honesty and openness, Jamie. I am grateful you took the time to let me know this touched your heart. Wishing you well.
Sara says
Oh my goodness, thank you thank you THANK YOU for this post. My family has a long line of abuse — the emotional abuse often taking the form of yelling, shaming, namecalling, etc. I applaud you for your efforts to change and thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering an example. It wasn’t until after I got married that I realized how easily I could fall into the same patterns, and how *I* would be the biggest obstacle to making my own family the kind I wished I had always grown up with. You’re absolutely inspiring. And I agree — the times when I slow down, get rid of distractions, let things slide, and take (several!) deep breaths change everything. You’re amazing, and thank you for sharing.
Lindsay says
You have a way with words. Each one ALWAYS tugs at my heart and pretty soon I find myself reading through tears. This parenting thing is a hard one to figure out-but it seems that you have concurred it! Reading about the transformation you made inspires me to just enjoy the messy moments in life and to stop trying so hard!
Thank you for sharing your journey as well as your time into creating this blog. I take so much away from reading each post….it has made me a better mom.
Anika says
I realize many have already let you know, but I felt I should, too…this piece has touched me deeply. Not because it was well written (which it was) but because of it’s honesty. I have recently moved closer to my family (parents and siblings). I’m from a very judgmental family. I never realized how difficult it was to be around them until after I had spent many years living away (though I would visit for Christmas or during the summer). Looking back, I can see the tension that would build every time we (my husband, kids and I) would go to visit. Before it was once a year, now it’s closer to once a month. When I spend a week of anxiety before and a week of frustration and anger afterwards it translates to many short tempered days. I’m not proud of that. However, as you’ve shown, there is hope. I am capable of controlling myself and, even more importantly, you have pinpointed for me what I knew all along-how (not just that) I was hurting my children. I pray that I will have the strength to better myself. Thank you for laying the path, despite having to relive those moments to do so. You have lifted me up, as you have many, many others. And, I hope, as I stand I will be able to lift others-including my children.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for such a loving and encouraging note. Thank you for letting me know that my story, although very difficult to share, has impacted a life. I find so much hope in your honesty and willingness to take that difficult look inward. I pray you find the strength to make change. Even little steps make a difference so give yourself grace and try to do a little better each day. I will be cheering you on.
Cat O'Hare says
Thank you for sharing this. I need to stop yelling. I wish I could have a do over…
Robbi Roxann says
This brought tears to my eyes immediately. I am guilty of too being a yeller. I have two boys 9 and 3. I cant help but admit that this makes me sick to my stomach with hurt for my children. I am no longer going to yell. I really needed to read this as a reality check to myself. They are the most wonderful miracles in my life yet I constantly yell yell yell. Its hard to admit for fear of being judged. However this article was beautiful for the fact that I am going to read this everyday until I have broken myself of this habit. I don’t want my children to fear me. Yet they do. For small things. Not picking up the cars. Squealing while playing together. Dropping food on the floor. Making messes. I also have to admit that I was raised this way too. Still to this day I get yelled at even being 32 years old. I am going to break this habit starting NOW! Thank you so much!!!
Hollie Archer says
Thank you so much for your blog. I have 3 young daughters and find myself yelling more than I should about stupid little things. I too need to remember they are children and like me they make mistakes. Thank you so much for inspiring me to become a better parent, breath and find a way to get through without loosing it and yelling.
Rosie Posie says
I just had one of those: Gee I wish I could take it back and do it all better moments!
God has been showing me all year that I need to stop DOing and just BE. My hands are over flowing with too many balls and as I try to survive my To Do List for this Year, I just snapped at each member of my family. My two precious kids have just gone to bed, probably glad to be away from cranky Mum and my husband has just gone for a walk. And for me, I sit here ashamed, guilty and longing to do it better. I also sit here ever so thankful that my kids 5, and 6 still adore me, my husband is the reflection of Christ’s forgiveness, and I still have time to stop the damage my outbursts have on my family.
Thanks for the painful conviction, for all your honesty and the support it is to know that others get it wrong too and we have to learn from it, rather than spiral downward because of it.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Rosie. I appreciate you sharing your story. I am glad you find hope in my story–may you soon find it in your own life.
suzanne says
This is so convicting, but so inspiring to hear that change is possible. Thanks!
Heather Marriage says
Thank you. I enjoy your posts that make me want to be better. I feel a lot of frustration with my 5 and 1 year olds, and I don’t want to be a yeller, but find the consistent business of children not listening so challenging. Another day to try again! Thanks.
Summer Jo Brooks says
This is amazing! I cannot even begin to tell you how much I needed this!
John says
I only saw this due to a repost/share on fb. Obviously a women’s blog. I didn’t see very many men posting. My question: Do men and women see these things differently as far as how to make the crucial changes in our lives fir this to become real change. Will the ladies remove different distractions than men.
I believe that the affect will be the same. My father grew up in the ghetto in south Philly. Highs school drop out volatile temper when I was a boy. Yell and curse. I was afraid as a boy, and not so much as a teen. I still loved the man dearly, and he passed way to early. I told myself I would not do that to my children. After a few tragedies in getting the family started my son arrived about 3 months before my 32nd birthday. I have been careful about this but still had my moments. I think I felt worse than they did.
I also learned that you have to control your diet too. I’m a type II and lost it over a low BG. I suddenly became aware of what might have been going on with Dad back then.
I read a book several years ago, “The Heart of the Artist” Rory Nolan. No matter what the environment is, for many like Rachel an author, or others like myself – musician, performer, writer, the creative side of our hearts and minds makes us more “sensitive.” You would think that would work in our favor in these instances. NOT. Makes it easy for us to blow up. Hopefully in the context of this book (Worship Music and Leadership) we already know we are dreadfully wrong and get “healed(?).”
You can’t undo something’s. This you can correct in a hurry. Might be anger management, BG levels, or Prayer and forgiveness. I will be a Grand Dad in January. I can’t wait to see how my/our experiences translated to my only son. Great article!
It’s not their fault.
JJ –
Melissa says
This wonderful womans story and the courage it took to share will help many people, I am so proud that through the Grace of God she saw herself and made it throug.
I hope my story below will to help someone
I am a mother of two who are now 34 and 38 I was the yelling screaming mother most of my childrens lives I verbally abused my children, when I finally realized what I was doing to them and myself I managed to stop by the Grace of God,I have spent many years trying to make it right with them and they say they have forgiven me but I dont think I will ever forgive myself,so many years were all but lost to them and myself when I should have been enjoying them and our family along with this problem I was Obsessive Compulsive
I had to have everything perfect before we could leave the house to do anything,every crumb in trash every item of clothing washed and put away every speck of dust gone,floor vaccumed and moped I know you understand, in later yeras I was put on Zoloft for depresiion and Buspar for aniexty this changed my life
I would have never suggested drugs to anyone but it was through taking care of my dying mother and then having to be sole caretaker for my daddy that my doctor suggested this and it made all the difference in th e world in my life,I hope if you read this and see yourself you will seek help.
Jamie says
At almost the exact instant I finished reading this, an entire bowl of cereal hit the floor in my living room. Best laugh I’ve had in ages! My daughter thinks daddy is crazy right now (well, crazier than normal I guess), but my entire day just got brighter…thanks!
Kathy says
Out of control with Yelling. Guilty, I am. Ashamed, I am.
Two daughters are the recipients of my yelling. I have tried amny times to stop. I find it hardest when I am seeing something not done that I have been asking them to do for a week. or a month, or repeatedly over the same stuff. Clothes left on floor in bathroom, trash in bathroom not emptied, fighting over “shotgun”, fighting over dishes – whose turn is it, its the same stuff
And it’s me….I am the one who is always mad – always yelling….
This fascebook post was shared by a lady at my church – i ofter wonder how these christian homes do it peacefully.
How, how do they…
Misty says
I am so guilty of this. I am so emotional after reading this because it was just this morning I prayed to God to give me restraint on my yelling.
I have three kids 13, 11, & 9. I find it so difficult to be level-headed and see them as the kids they are. Instead I see them as my “children who should know better”. I come home from work, which tends to take me an hour drive, and I am exhausted. I just want to walk in and sit for a moment and relax. Instead (and this is daily) I walk into a mess. The kids are not done with homework or their chores. They are instead hanging out in the mess they made. I automatically get upset and yell at them. They should know better!
Did I tell you that before I get in the house all three are on the porch waiting for me as I pull up so they can hug me? Did I tell you that they were waiting to tell me about their day or that they made me something? They show me so much love and all I do is yell. Seriously, I am the worst parent ever. I wish I could think in my anger and tell myself to take a moment to calm down. It is so hard! I see the innocence and still have the first reaction to yell instead of taking a breath and thinking about their feelings. ME, ME, ME! I have been so selfish! There are so many things that stress me out away from home that when I am home I release that frustration on my loved ones just like you mentioned. I am so undeserving of their affection. I needed to read this article and maybe I’ll start a blog to make me accountable and help me stop my yelling. I want my kids to grow up strong and full of life and love NOT full of low self-esteem and anger. I can see that behavior in my youngest. How can I tell him to stop when I myself yell first? Why can’t I remember how much I love them when I am frustrated?
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Misty, my heart goes out to you as I read your words. There is hope, friend. I have just sent you an email. With love, Rachel
Amber Canaan says
I hate comments that say, “Great post!” but seriously, this is a great post! It’s the best thing I’ve read in a really long time. I struggle with yelling, and the perspective that this offers me is unique and gives me something to think about whenever I’m tempted to blast my kids for innocent mistakes and just being kids!
Beth O says
After reading this I felt like I needed to respond as well, you know among the other 900 responses!! Clearly we moms have an issue that is all too common. I too found myself in this same situation over the past year or so. I wanted to share with your readers that “It’s no use crying over spilled milk”! Instead of yelling I now have uttered the same responses you said like “it’s just chocolate, it wipes right up, not a big deal” and let me tell you, it makes me feel like the best mom in the world when I REACT in my best possible way!!
I was always the bubbly girl, smiling, wants world-peace, you know the girl…the glass is always half full. Then through personal difficulties in my life I slipped into depression. I didn’t even realize it and even still I have days where I think that I am just fine without that little pill I now take every morning. The truth is, I got so consumed by stress, and juggling, and well, LIFE. We try to do and be everything and that wasn’t making me happy, it was making me and my family miserable. I decided it was time to SLOW DOWN and ENJOY life! It goes way too fast because we let it! I don’t need to keep up with the other moms, I can decide how much is too much and when to say “no” to other projects that come up because ultimately, I decided to be a mom 16 years ago and now I have 4 little beings that rely on me to guide them and teach them. I need to be the best mom I can be, I don’t want to do a half-baked job, I want to be the calm and collected mom that instills values and not fear. I want to radiate happiness, peacefulness, silliness, etc. So whatever life is throwing your way don’t let it consume you, don’t let it take over. If you feel like you are losing control of things then take a step back, ask for help and work on taking that control back. I did and I know that for me and my kids, we couldn’t be happier!!
Teresa says
I read ” The Important Thing About Yelling” today on FB, and wanted to let Rachel know that – to humble yourself and share a weakness with the public; to try and help others be better parents—–well, I’m very thankful for you having the courage and humility to do that. We need to encourage one another to step back and take a look at our lives and see what is the really important things in our lives and what are we doing with those things; and how we are managing our lives and with that management where and what will that possible look like in the future as a result of our managing of those things.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am truly grateful for your encouragement, Teresa. I will hold your words close as I continue to share my struggles with honesty and truth. Your timing was perfect, my friend. xo
No more yelling Mama says
Thank you so much for this. My mother was/is a yeller and I noticed myself doing it to my own sweet babies…2 1/2 & 7 year old. As I sit here and type this I have made myself a promise that I will NOT anymore. A few weeks ago my daughter had spilled an entire gallon of milk everywhere…counter, floor, side of the fridge…and like you said her eyes filled up with tears and just broke down. And it broke my heart. SO….NO MORE!!!!! I also need to learn to have MORE patience with my kids…
Seriously thank you for this….
Sheli Rush says
VERY inspiring and wonderful! <3
Cindy Noonan says
I am a grandmother and a writer. My daughter who is raising three children posted this on her Facebook page.
I struggled with the yelling issue as a parent and I am thrilled to see my daughter is finding positive ways to deal with that same issue. This is important even for grandmas because we still influence our children and grandchildren. Thanks!
shante kiefer says
This post hits home as it identifies that our true frustration comes from the pressures of things we must do rather than the innocent mistakes of the ones we love. I experienced a little shame over my frustration when my son was just being a boy and got a pair of good pants very dirty. http://simplegirlrevelations.blogspot.com/2013/09/so-here-it-is-ugly-truth.html?m=1
Tiffany says
Thank you for posting your story! I too am a yeller. I know this was hard for you, b/c it’s hard for me to admit it to myself, admit what I am psychologically doing to my “Gifts from God”. It’s so easy to hide behind the computer and make up a false front. Facebook is horrible for this where everyone’s life seems so perfect and everyone is so perfect. If parents can have more places like your blog to read about reality and our own faults, we can make a change for the better. It’s a comfort to read your story and the comments on this post, that I’m not alone in my mistakes. That others struggle to make the change, but it is possible with much work and restraint. God Bless you for being honest and sharing something so personal. You are making a big change in other’s lifes.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Tiffany, for taking time to leave such an encouraging word. This really means a lot to me.
Gina Gorman says
I had an incident happened last night that has been on my mind all day here at work. My son is 12 and almost 6 ft tall (I swear it happened over night) and I was busy trying to make supper. I asked him if he would please come and make some sweet tea. He grumbled a little, but did it for me anyway. Every once in a while, our tea maker will, for whatever reason, leak all over the place while it’s brewing and of course, that’s what happened last night. I yelled for him & told him to get something to clean it up before it went everywhere. He ran in the kitchen and I swear he grabbed the smallest towel possible to clean it up. He started complaining that it was going everywhere and that just set me off. I started yelling about how small the towel was and that he needed to think for a change before he did something. I continued to yell about how slow he was and on and on….and over what? A leaking tea maker?? This morning, when I got to work, I started thinking about how stupid it was for me to yell about something so petty. Then I started thinking about how much I actually yell at him about everything or tell him to hurry up because he so slow! It just kept weighing on my mind. Then I was just randomly looking at my Facebook page, pretty much just zoning out because I was hating how I was feeling and I saw a link that one of my friends had just posted and it was titled – “The Important Thing About Yelling” Honestly, I never click on links, I’m just usually reading what is going on in some of my friends life, but it caught my eye, so I clicked on it. I have never had something have such an impact on my so quickly! I cried silently at my desk while reading it and decided that was what was wrong with my life…I had become a yeller, hurry up, not now, too much to do kind of mom. I know it’s not going to happen over night, but you have opened my eyes to what is truly important and I’m going to continue to read your blog for inspiration so I can become the Mom and the person I really want to be….Thank You from the bottom of my heart
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Gina, reading your message makes me feel so encouraged and so hopeful. To know my story came into your life at the precise moment it was needed is such a gift to me. I wish you strength as you take the next step (you already took the first, which is the hardest) in your journey to yell less and have more patience with the ones you love most.
Megan says
Genius. You spoke what I am. I currently am a graduate student and two children under 4 years old. Yet, in this tragedy of yelling, I am encouraged that yes, it is possible to be a haven of peace and comfort, with arms of grace and security. Thank you. I was passed your article by another mother and am so thankful for what I read.
Megan
Heather Bea says
Thank you thank you thank you! I have a one year old and a soon to be 4 year old… I will keep this blog with me always! My mom was a yeller of sorts – when she went silent, I knew things were really bad. I promised myself when I had my first child I would talk to him. My mom passed in 1999 and my dad in 2011. When my dad died, my husband is a pipeline controller, my son 14 months old and I was alone with him for many days and nights. I told my husband I promised myself I would do things different than my mom – I did and I have. I cried to my son, him not fully able to understand, I would use short words of why I was crying. He is almost 4 now and is amazing. Mommy’s sad, I miss my daddy, I am not mad at you I miss my daddy! I was honest with him. I truly believe this kept me from yelling like I would have if I with held my sadness, my grief. Thanks to my mom for showing me what not to do <3 I love you and miss you everyday!
Benjamin says
As a first time reader to this blog. I am very impressed with it. I had a friend link me to this and it has been very insightful. Thank you very much for blogging
yeeling mom says
This story reminds me of exactly who I am today. I am at a stage where I am trying to stay calm and refrain myself from yelling. I am so inspired with how you have changed.. I will remind myself with this story everyday to make myself a better person for my son. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Stephanie says
For the first time in a long time, when I was reading this I thought to myself, “FINALLY! Another person who KNOWS how I feel!” The truth is, there are MANY people out there who know how I feel. The question is, how would I ever know that when I can barely admit my problem to myself, let alone shout it out for others to hear or relate to. To do so would not only be admitting a huge fault, but it would be exposing a nerve that is easier left tucked away in the closet of denial. (Just an FYI….that closet is just down the hall from the skeleton closet).
Reading this has really held a mirror up to my face though. I see myself, for the first time, through the eyes of my three-year-old son, and I have to admit, what I see is ugly. How can he wake up happy to see me each day? How can he smile at me with such a beautiful sparkle in his eye, wrap his arms around me and say “Mommy, you’re the best!” and mean it SO wholeheartedly? How can he tell me 100 times a day that he loves me, out of nowhere, to the extent that he actually stops what he is doing to come and tell me? It is amazing. No one in my life has ever loved me as purely as he does, and I doubt anyone else ever will. And what kind of monster unleashes a fury on such innocence? Not only that, but repeats the horrible act even after realizing it was dealt with in the completely wrong manner? Well, the answer is simple. Me. Perhaps a big part of it is having recently quit smoking after MANY years. Perhaps it is nothing as simple as that at all. Or even still, maybe it is a combination of both the former and the latter. It’s hard to tell. But whatever the reason, it is real and it is NOT okay.
My mother is a bit off, as is her mother, and I can’t speak for prior generations. All I can say is that I have made it one of my main points in life not to be like either of them in that capacity, and up until this, I have succeeded. This is a whole different ball game though. Fortunately, now that I have found this blog, I can say that I am eternally grateful to know that I am not the only player in the outfield, and that reparation and redemption can occur. I need to read this often and burn the ideas into my head, and make sure my son knows not to open the bathroom door when I walk away for 5 minutes. You have given me the faith to believe that I can get past this and be a better mommy when it’s all said and done. Thank you!!!!
Carla Rose says
Wow!!! I needed to read this today!!! I had a yelling spell last night that ended in me and my 5 year old son crying in each others arms!!! Thank you for this story!!!!!
Melissa says
I read this blog post in tears today. This is the mom I have been, and I have been hating myself for allowing me to become the yelling mom. I made a pledge today to stop. I don’t know how long it will take, but, that look you talk about that your daughter gave you, I know that look all too well. I am tired of feeling like a crappy mom at the end of the day. I am tired of telling my husband that I just “lost it” again and again!! Thank you for posting this, and allowing me to see that I am not the only one who has struggled with this, and for giving me the jump start I need to better my life as a mom.
Samantha says
I read this.. and it felt like you were writing about me.. except my little guy will be 2 in February.. I am a yeller.. and I know I shouldn’t.. to the point my LO now yells when he gets frustrated.. the other day he spilt a box of uncooked macaroni.. i didnt get mad nor did i yell.. but he started to cry.. thinking he was going to get in trouble.. that was my moment.. i get sooooo frustrated… between the cleaning, cooking, laundry, toddler, husband that i do everything for.. oh and i run a business.. and we are moving.. sigh…..
Michelle says
My niece shared your article with me. I needed this about 3 years ago when my patience really started breaking down with my children. Thank you for your thoughts and honesty! I found this Pin last week, and have it hanging on my frig. It recaps a lot for me…hopefully it might help others. Thank you again for sharing your story!
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/20125529558684179/
Mark says
As a husband of a yeller this breaks my heart. I have pleaded for a decade with my wife to not yell at me , let alone our children. This is a self control issue plain and simple. We all have moments here and there. But when it is a daily pattern it is destructive to the entire family. Thanks for posting this. You don’t know how huge this area is in children’s lives. Or maybe you do. I have seen teens for years that have been products of this “treatment” and sadly I see what it does to their confidence in all areas of life. I see that when life gets difficult, and it will for each of us, that they just want to quit. THey want to give up. THe voices they used to verbally hear aimed at them as children are now theirs to own in their own heads. The voice of a yelling, shaming parent becomes adopted and equates to the voice of the enemy going forward in life. The self worth they used to have or could of had evaporates. It breaks my heart. They feel like a failure for the tiniest mistakes. They feel unloved, they feel like a disappointment. Then IF the don’t have or find Jesus, who is there to combat that force that has been imbedded into their minds? They go to school, are subjected to everything and anything and in those critical moments where they are at a crossroads decision, why should they NOT drink or fight, or engage in poor choices? They already feel like a loser in their parents eyes. It cant get much worse, so why not just do what you want to do? I look back and much of what helped keep me on a better path was my relationship with my parents and ultimately my God. I didn’t want to tarnish that. I knew my parents loved me unconditionally and I didn’t have to perform to meet their approval. THis is HUGE for kids today. Is our love just given freely, just because? Or is it given when they live to our standards academically, in extra curricular activities, and so forth? The way parents display all of this to their toddlers will shape much of how those toddlers see themselves as 40 year olds some day. With what I do, this is a huge huge deal that I have a front row seat for in the lives of others children. I appreciate you posting this. Love on your kids today parents. God has selected YOU to be the one Mother and one Father to them on the face of the planet. God chose you for a purpose, not a teacher, a coach, a pastor, but YOU. YOU are the greatest single influence in the lives of YOUR children, good or bad. Sure others will widen your circle and partner with you and fight for the hearts of your children, but in the end it is YOU who God has chosen to shape, teach, mold, build up and send out your children. I relate to this post at times. I am sure we all do at times. None of us are perfect. But let’s each examine our approach with OUR children. Are we building them up, setting them up for a confident and successful life? Or, are we tearing them down, shaming them and making an already challenging world to grow up in even more challenging? What changes need to be made? What apologies need to given? Where can reconciliation take place? Let’s all strive to do it.
Laura Lane says
Thank you.
Zee thomas says
Thank you for your honesty! I love this post.
Jaci says
Thank you SO much for posting this!!! I grew up with a frustrated, yelling mom who would talk down to us and get mad super easy and was on the verge of verbally/emotionally abusive….and guess what kind of mom I can be too?! I hate it. I am printing this out so that when I get frustrated and close myself in the bathroom (thank you for that mommy time out idea) I will have it readily available for reading to give me perspective! You are AWESOME!
Jessica says
I too have realized in the past 3 to 4 years…yeah years that I have become a yeller. In a way, I have always known I was a yeller but it has gotten worse in the recent past. Every time I start yelling at my children, I try to control my anger and make myself stop. I would say I am not batting a high average at the shopping part, but I do sometimes. I keep telling myself that the first step to stopping is acknowledging I have the problem, which I have fully acknowledged. I am grateful that I found your writings, for me this will be my second step and my new beginning to a yell free life and household. When I stay calm my kids stay calm. I am not delusional in thinking I will never yell again, but knowing it is possible to live this way and it will be better for all in my family is the stepping stone I am taking with me to start my new chapter in life. I will change and Thank you for me new beginning.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Jessica. I can read hope in your words. I am glad you can feel it and know change is possible. Wishing you the best. Keep me posted.
Jenny says
Wow, this really inspired me! What a beautiful story! I am so glad that you were able to see that your pent up anger and yelling was affecting your children, and you did something to stop that!
I have no children… well, no human children. I am the mother of 3 cats and a dog (beagle). I have been married for 12 1/2 years, but separated for 2 1/2 years. For the 10 years I was living with my husband, I “learned” anger from him. Although he was very loving, he is a very angry person, and he always yelled at our dog(s) when they did something wrong, and when we fought, it was a yelling match, and neither of us would get anywhere with each other. I had to yell back at him in order for him to even hear me, which never worked anyway, because he was just within his own mindset.
Before, when my dog does a doodie in the house, my husband or I would yell at him and spank him for it, and I since have learned that this does not good, because by the time we find it and yell and spank, the dog has no idea what he did wrong. Unless we catch him in the act, punishment is useless.
My dog is 6 years old now, but near the end of 2010, he slipped on some ice and flipped over and landed on his back. So he was paraplegic for several months, during which he was unable to control his pottying. He is much better now, but his legs are still a little off. He is now re-trained to hold it, and go outside, but sometimes he can’t hold it so he messes in the house. Now, raising him by myself, I don’t yell at him because I know the problem. I do keep him in a kennel when I’m not home, and when we’re sleeping at night, but he is still known to “go” both ways inside his kennel, and I can’t get him to stop doing that. But I never yell or spank.
I have changed myself back to the way I was before my husband and I were married. I was never an angry person before. I have always been a Christian, but have not really followed close to God for most of my adult life until just this year. I completely turned myself around and am living the way God wants me to. WWJD? I know that’s an old saying now, but I live by it, and it keeps me on the right track.
But yes, children raised in a yell-free home are so much happier! I know from experience, because I grew up an only child, and my parents were always loving toward each other and to me throughout my life. Yes, they punished me when I did wrong, which I believe is the right thing to do, but they did it with calm voices, and gentle spankings. Children do need to be punished when they do something that they know is wrong, on purpose. Spilling the rice accidently is an accident, so that would not be punishable, but talking back to a parent, or going outside after dark when they’ve been told to stay in, that would be punishable.
Never lose your temper, but stay calm… if you can’t stay calm at the moment, send them to their room until you do calm down and then go to them and set a punishment, whether it be a gentle, but stern spanking, or grounding, just make sure you give the punishment when you are calm. Otherwise your punishment could go out of control and be too hard of a spanking and border on abuse. A parent must always be calm with their children.
Jenn says
I happened to come across your post “The Bully to close to home” and all I could do is cry while reading it, then continuing to read your other posts cry even more. As a single Mother I try to “do everything, be everything, ALL of the time”. People often ask why do you work so much, when do you take time to just relax? “Who else is going to do it” and “I don’t have time” are my usual replies. The gut wrenching never ending “to-do list” is so demanding. 9 times out of 10 I am late for work/drop off at school/dance/swimming/appointments all because I try to cram just “one more thing” into the 2 free minutes I manage to scrounge up. Yet I take on more and more (now realizing I am trying to keep busy to avoid the truth of the miserable inner bully in me). Always expecting perfection and forgetting to be patient, kind and thoughtful of the little precious soul that looks up to me for guidance, acceptance and love. My daughter got a note in her agenda for her behaviour in school (there was also a voicemail on my machine regarding this). She erased the note and blamed someone else in her class for erasing what was there…When I had asked her to tell the truth she mumbled that she had erased the note…when I asked why she replied “I didn’t want you to get so mad at me”. After reading through your posts and her response…I realize that I need a huge overhaul!! I don’t want to miss out on the amazing memories and moments we could be creating together because I had work to do, emails to write, laundry to fold, etc. I want to be present in the wonder my daughter sees in the world, and to just “love watching her grow”.
Rachel I cannot thank you enough for baring your soul and sharing the “not so great moments” so that other people can forgive themselves and take steps towards a positive change. God bless you and your beautiful family.
Marianne says
This was a hard read…because it hit home with me…I am a yeller but I’m going to try to stop. I am the old you with the million things to do, always connected to technology but I think it’s time to rethink that. Thank you for this. Thank you for making me realize what I’ve become and for letting me know it’s not too late to change. Thank you.
Amy Mitchell says
I so needed this morning everything you wrote about this. I’m the mom of 4 beautiful kids (2 sets of twins, 7 & almost 10), a pastor’s wife and I am trying to adjust to getting off of the medication Lexapro. I have been so irritable and short-fused and this morning during getting the kids ready for church my sweet demeanor turned into monstrous yelling by the end. It was not at them, it was totally frustrating yelling because of the domino effect of the clutter, disorganization, shoes not fitting, clothes needing repair and I just let myself lose it and devastated my daughter, making her cry because I was so upset. I am running late even as i write, but I just need to close with my favorite life-giving part of this article was – it is not too late to stop – and there is redemption with your kids. There are others but i have to run and can’t go back and reread my favorite parts. But I will come back later to do so. Thanks for the ministry of this posting to me this morning.
Mandy - Frugal Full Time Mom says
I just found your site today and it could not have come at a better time. My daughter has been having trouble at school and during one of our visits with the pediatrician it was mentioned how a loving caring home is important. How yelling and angry responses can affect a child. So I have LOTS of work to do (being raised by a yeller, I have become a yeller) I look forward to reading more of your stories and hope they can help me remember that it’s possible to change!
Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Ashton says
You just changed my life. I’m buying that book right now. And I’m on my way to a yell free parenting style. Thank you
Rach says
I came across this post and thought, what an amazing heart you have. I don’t have children, but I hope to be as open-hearted and humble as you. People see humbleness as acting lower, but I think that it is seeing what you’re good at and what you’re bad at and living from an honest evaluation of both. I think you do that beautifully.
Love, Rach.
Angela says
I saw this on HuffPost today and you have no idea how perfectly it aligns with my fears, failings and hopes. I’m not one for resolutions but decided a few days ago to give up yelling in 2014. My huge breakthrough was a simple thought: Nothing is ever made better by yelling at someone. Not ever.
Reading your very personal post was more than an inspiration. It was a confirmation that what I’m attempting is possible. My fears are real. I will damage my relationship with my kids if I allow yelling to be part of how I talk to them, or to anyone. And change is also possible, no matter how many times I mess up. Thank you so much for writing this. It’s strength made plain.
Mama Keller says
I am sitting here in tears because this piece of your life mimics a desire deep within my heart. As a child that grew up without a mom, one of my BIGGEST dreams was to be a mother. To experience the bond I missed, to know what that connection felt like. I married the greatest love of my life. Our journey to becoming parents was a long one. Two miscarriages and three years later we had a son, William. The stresses of working different shifts and two children later…. I have become a yeller. I grew up with a yeller so I’m sure its just an easy coping mechanism to default to. An easy excuse too. I struggle with the impulse to yell when stressed or scared (the day our youngest toppled out of her high chair will be one for the record books) I long for the sweet kisses and.snuggles of my kiddos at the end of the day but something happens between getting off of work and getting dinner ready that just obliterates the peace I envision for our home. thank.you for writing this. I cannot wait for your book! Dani
Adrienne says
I’ve seen this blog post come across my facebook feed over the past few weeks, but haven’t stopped to read it -until tonight…THANK YOU so much….I really needed this encouragement right now, as I feel as though you were describing me in your “weakest moments”. It’s refreshing to read that there is hope….I can and will stop being a yeller. Funny, because growing up that was never the type of personality I had. I question myself all the time as to why I yell at those whom I love so very much….I’m a teacher and have some very irritating adolescents in my classes….how can I manage to maintain my composure with them, yet I come home and just release it all by yelling at my own sweet kids?
Anyways….I’ve never actually written such a wordy response to someone’s blog. I think it just feels good to “talk” about this now having just read your story. It was much appreciated advice….Happy New Year!
Danielle says
I am not a mother, but found your article very moving. I completely agree that being a yeller shuts down communication (with most, not just children!). Thanks for sharing!!
Kerrie Benson Cober says
Hello……..I am not proud of being a yeller….not one bit…………..My kids are now 17 and 18. I am struggling with health issues that may….or may not end my life early. Add that to the mix that my children are moving away to school in the fall.
My son 18 and I were yelling about the car…etc……it got out of hand….and I have to own up to being as immature as anyone could possibly be…………..On his way out the door he said to me……..Why did you bother having kids”? Oh My Goodness…….we fought fertility for 5 years…shots…meds…surgeries….to have this child……………….18 years ago…I never imagined this current incident……….This was my ah ha moment. I am lucky to have these children……..and being teens is part of the package…..I know Close friends who no longer have their kids……………….Before I know it….they will be gone to school……I have really tried in the past weeks to be the Mom that I can be…..hard…but not impossible……………I write on my hand NO or DNE…….the meaning to me is to Not engage in power struggles….DNE do not engage……..Thank you for letting me vent!!!
Dawn says
Oh my gosh, I feel as though I wrote this. So many times I’ve lost my cool and yelled. I look back and remember those freightened little faces of my children as they “got in the way” of things I “needed to get done” (such as the cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc…). I wanted that image of “perfection” and my house and its tidiness represented the mother & wife I thought I had to be. It took me a long time to let go of that perfection mentality, but I do still yell at my kids every now and then. I will stop. This puts it into a real perspective and I can be better.
I have seen how a rage from me can excalate a rage or fear in my child. I want them to be better. I want to show them compassion and how a person should have control over their emotions, even if to take a time out to gather themselves (myself) back to more of a stable and calmer state.
Thank you for putting this out there. So many moms feel guilty for things they’ve done and said to their kids, fearing we have ruined them in some way due to our behavior or words. It’s never too late to improve and regain control and to stop yelling at those we love most.
Gabi says
Hallo,
ich habe deinen Beitrag gelesen und mir stehen die Tränen in den Augen…
Meine Kinder sind schon groß…dennoch ist es besonders schlimm, dass ich mich selbst in deinen Worten erkenne…
Darf ich deinen Artikel rebloggen?
Ich ihn gerne zeigen. Mein Blog: http://stich-schlinge.de
Kinder sind das Wichtigste auf der Welt!!!
Liebe Grüße, Gabi
Daniela Valdés says
Thank you for sharing your expierences, I’m an overbusy Mother, trying to do something good for society, but in that competition I became a frustrated women trying to do everything. The damage is for my two little boys and for me…thank you Rachel for write it down, I will share your text in spanish with my friends and fans.
Ashley says
I write this as I have welled up with tears. I am a yeller too! Mine is learned behavior as my mom was a yeller and her dad was one as well. However, that is not an excuse! This blog hit home more than I realized it would when I read the title. I am so ashamed of who I’ve become as a mother and that my son deserves so much more! He is ADHD and I don’t handle the “mishaps” as well as I should! I realize that I have a problem and that it is me that has to change from within. I sit here and now and say out loud that I will take the challenge to not yell anymore!!! Thank you so much for sharing your trials with us today. I know that I am not alone on this journey.
Katherine says
I have a LOT of patience, but my 3 yr old son is one of those toddlers who pushes HARD against the limits you set. His daycare providers said he just happens to push harder than most kids. Not to say he’s “bad” (i.e. he’s not evil–he’s in fact super sweet) but he will always see exactly how far he can go with something. So the only discipline that works is being very strict and consistent. Because of this, I have to come down hard in order to be effective. I am actually able to remain calm about whatever he is doing wrong at the moment, even though a lot of the time it’s him doing something (or not doing something) to make us late. But if I remain calm and then do nothing about it because I’m so calm, he’ll push the limit further and his behavior will only get worse rather than improving.
So…I find this whole thing to be a really fine line. I know there is a way of being a strict disciplinarian without ever “yelling” but I find it hard to do properly. I always feel as though I’m being too soft or I’m “yelling” too much. He doesn’t show that fear the author mentioned from being yelled at too much, but I still feel that yelling and/or harsh punishment can be a bit much. The one thing I know I do right is that if he makes a mess or breaks something or whatever and it’s definitely 100% an accident and excusable, I can be totally calm and just explain to him the problem without adding anything extra that could possibly make him upset/guilty. But if he does something that he knows is wrong, I have to discipline him and I’m still working out the best way to do that.
Rachel says
I just wanted to take the time to say thank you. You have changed my life more than you will ever know, and the lives of my children by helping me give them the strong, healthy mama they deserve.
Thank you.
Raquel says
I may confess: this text made me cry.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Mariana says
Hey, thank you for being so honest.
It’s so easy to find moms blogs that seem to have the perfect family, and the perfect attitude, and all figured out. But your made me feel human.
Not justifying my yelling, but to see that someone else had the same thoughts about the “little childish things” that stress us out is like receiving a hug.
Thank you also for sharing how you faced it, showing that it is possible.
God bless you and your family!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for the loving words and blessings, Mariana. We are in this together. What a hopeful feeling.
angel says
Thank you for this post. I sit here crying as I read this. I am a yeller. I yelled at my boy yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about how I could have handled the situation different. I could have maybe stopped the trickling of negative things that happened those moments. I love these children do much! You have me an “ahh haa’ (as Oprah would say) moment. I needed this.
Pamela says
I read your article in spanish… It make me cry… The only diference is that I have two boys (3 and 2 years)… Thank you for shearing this… I sent you a big hug from Chile.
Vanessa says
I loved this article. It gave me hope that someday I might be a good mother. I always said I never wanted children out of fear that I would be like my mother. I love her very much and our relationship is much better now, but it was a different story when I was a child. I, too, was afraid to make a mistake because I was afraid of her. I got the silent treatment so many times when I did something like spill milk, or drop my food.
I hope you and your family continue on this journey and I hope that if/when I start it, I can remember to breathe and not yell. Thank you!
Julia Roberts says
Hi there, I’ve just read “The important thing about yelling” and everything you experienced, I have too! I felt like you were writing about my life! I have two daughters, 2 and 5 and tonight was the 5 year olds swimming lesson!! I had a “yelling” moment over something so minor and I feel like the biggest a**hole for it but that’s a regular occurrence! The 5 year old got angry because I offered scooby doo biscuits to the 2 year old – knowing the 5 year old had had them at school, and I offered the 5 year old a muesli bar! She “carried” on for a while and that’s when I lost it! I often tell her I look forward to seeing her all day, but when I pick her up and she acts like that, I just get so pissed off! She’s a beautiful girl with a gorgeous personality and I have to remind myself, she’s only 5 and her way of responding to situations she doesn’t like, is a kneejerk reaction that isn’t thought through but it will get better and more rational as she gets older. My pet hate – such strong and aggressive words, is the constant repeating on my behalf to things she continues to do that she shouldn’t and I’m pretty sure she knows she shouldn’t. Not being able to register in her brain – even though I’ve told her 1000 times, that she needs to stay close to me in a car park, or no dancing in the shower/bath, or no running/jumping from couch to couch, or don’t wander off at the supermarket, or stop saying words that are too old for you and you don’t understand yet!!! The list could go on! The other reason behind all that, is that I don’t want our 2 year old to follow suit! After reading your piece, I am going to try very hard to think before I yell. Even when a half an hour has passed and she’s still only had 2 mouthfuls of breakfast or when it’s time to leave for school and she’s been in the bathroom for 10 minutes staring at herself and dancing instead of brushing her teeth or when she knows it’s time for bed and she breaks down at the thought of it with screaming, kicking and crying or when her only response to her little sister taking off with something of hers is to scream and chase her around the house, I will try to remain calm, and talk to her about what she’s doing and hopefully receive a positive response as opposed to demon eyes and grunting! Every one of words struck a cord and registered with me, so thank you.
Melinda says
Someone on Facebook was sharing this and when I saw the title I had to read it. Growing up, this was my problem. It took me 20 years to realize the damaging affects of having a mother who yelled. I only recently started realizing the paralyzing fear of anger that I have developed since childhood. Luckily, my mother doesn’t know of my problems and even luckier, she has mellowed out so much in the past few years. Because you are right; this habit destroyed the potential of a good line of communication. Thank you for writing this because it gives me hope to know that we can change and that bridges can be built. I also really appreciate the insight you have given me of what might be going on in the mind of a mother who has yelled too much. It helps me to understand maybe what was going on with my mom. Again, thank you so much, this was definitely what I needed to read.
Jen says
I just want to say thank you. I am going through a really rough patch in my life right now and I feel like the worst mother in the world some days. I have yelled at my kids for stupid things. However, tonight my son dropped his bowl of pasta and broke the bowl and his pasta went all over the floor, I have my back to him when he did it and all I could think of – is he ok? I turned around and asked him if he was ok, he looked and me and said yes, pasta is on the floor, I want a different pasta. He didn’t cry and I didn’t make a big deal about it. We cleaned it up together. I realized then that they overreact because I overreact (a learned behaviour from an abusive marriage). If I am calm they are going to be calm. It is never too late to change and I am going to start now. Instead of yelling, I am going to whisper when I am upset and take lots of deep breathes.
Thank you.
Paulyn says
Thank you for sharing this article. I am a working mum of 3 kids (9, 6 and 3 yo) and I have little patience with all of them whether it is school work, eating too slowly or anything else. I keep yelling at them and I hate myself for doing that. I wasn’t like this few years ago….and I only realise the impact when I saw my eldest daughter yelling at her brothers. She probably seen me doing it so often and she thinks it is normal to do that.
I am trying to control myself but still can’t help it from time to time….Your article is very timely for me to focus on my thoughts and control my inner-self temper. Kids are still kids who make mistakes and so am I. We will all learn from mistakes and I will make every attempt to be a better mum who will learn to communicate to the kids instead of yelling at them.
Thank you, Rachel!
Trish C says
Thank you, thank you so much for posting this (even though I’m just seeing it a year later) – it’s exactly what I have been doing of late; with 2 smallies, a 7-day a week new business and constant financial pressure I find that I am losing my temper with those people who matter most to me, and over the most trivial of events. To see that there are other parents out there feeling the same way is so heartening; I have felt like an appalling parent each time I yell – I know it’s not the way I want my kids to be raised or the way I want them to remember their childhoods – and I’ve taken your experience to heart. Thanks for the wake up call.
Susan Goss says
I just finished reading your article. My daughter, now the mother of a three year old, had posted it on her facebook time line. I too was a yeller. After almost loosing my life in child birth my husband left me to raise my daughter alone. I was working two part time jobs as a substitute teacher and a waitress. I also had the responsibility of taking care of, and running a separate household, for my ailing mother. Unfortunately, I did not see the problem and correct it until my daughter returned from the military with the man she was to marry. After a final, and critically damaging, blow up I recognized and changed my way of dealing with my frustrations. It has taken 10 years but the wounds from that day are finally healing and my daughter and I are rebuilding our relationship. My daughter was a severe ADHD child and adult with a very high intelligence which made dealing with her draining. I never blamed her for my frustrations although she thought I did because of the yelling. But through all that, I never realized the source of my frustration and yelling until I read your article this morning. It was and still is the perfectionism. Because of my own health and physical disabilities at the age of 62 I have had to reevaluate my obsessive perfectionism. I have had to let it go or die quite literally. You are indeed blessed that you were able to discern this so early in your relationship with your children. Thank you for sharing.
crabbymommy says
When I was reading your post, all I kept saying was – this is me, this is me, this is me!
I’ve yelled (yes, it’s hard to admit, but I’ve felt the exact same emotions which have driven me to a corner) and seen that look in my daughter’s eyes. I’ve felt like a colossal failure and unimaginably miserable at making her feel that way. I cannot begin to tell you how much I can relate to this post. Geographical and cultural barriers, it seems, are blurred when it comes to motherhood, because that is a great leveler. You and I could not be further away (I live in India) but reading your post felt like I was reading a letter from an old friend who felt the same way that I did.
I love your blog. It has brought me peace.
Loris Ayoub says
I have 2 kids, 4 and 6, I yell, too much.. I am crying right now, I pay more attention to my phone than to them at times, I yell if they are playing and making too much noises, I yell if they don’t pick up their toys…I tried to change so many times and always end up in the same old behavior, I feel terrible, I know I am failing…thanks for this…It is an eye opener.
Anonymous says
By the end of this I was crying my eyes out I unfortunately am a yeller as I was reading this all I could think was that’s exactly what I do and I hate myself for it…thanks for making me feel not so alone I have been trying to work on it for while now but have yet to be entirely yell free but I’m getting there.
Jamie Williamson says
Wow amazing so inspiring just got to share this with very parent I am connected too, thanks.
Melinda Helms says
Probably the most meaningful article I have ever read. At the ripe old age of 56, it brings back so many memories of the moments I would have preferred to forget. I too, was blessed with a forgiving child who understood my mommy fits and loved me through them. The key was in my always going to her after I exploded with an apology and a feeble attempt at explaining why I felt like I did. In some strange way, I feel her seeing my tantrums helped her understand that I still loved her through he own. Thank you for sharing such a private and meaningful part of your life. It will change that of others.
Laurel says
Thank you for this!!!! I just googled “yelling at my toddler” and “traumatizing her” because I am feeling so guilty about yelling at my 2 year old girl for hitting me(she does it ALL THE TIME). I know that my yelling comes from my mom yelling at my sisters and I (she’s a great mom, just went through a hard time and would get frustrated easily). Anyway, I just hate myself after these moments and I know that it must just feel awful from her perspective. She’s so little and she loves me so much. I feel as though I don’t deserve that love. But after your post I am positive that I can change my attitudes during those moments when I’m feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I related so much to your reasons too- the phone, the stresses, etc. I am in school to be a teacher, work and have a family so sometimes life can get crazy stressful. Anyway(again!!) just wanted to thank you so much for this entry. So comforting, I think I can actually sleep now:) Take care!
-Laurel
Ambar says
Coye que reflexión tan grande. Mi hija solo tiene 1 año y 6 meses. Y la verdad que siempre ando gritando por todo, pero al leer esto de verdad me conmueve mucho y me siento culpable. Ya no mas gritos.
Mary-Claire says
Excellent post! Most of us struggle with patience in parenting–the messes seem to happen when we have the most to do or are in the biggest hurry. I try to remind myself to take a slow breath sometimes before I respond to something particularly frustrating. It usually works. And it’s just spilled milk, right?
Camille says
I liked this post. It’s good advice not just for mothers but for wives too. Nagging and yelling breads separation and anxiety not peaceful togetherness – no one, not child or adult likes to be yelled at for their mistakes. I have found myself yelling at my 2 year old to “get away from me” after trying to reach for an uncapped bottle of milk before I could put the nipple on and knocking it all over the counter and onto the floor – so that I could clean it up, like she purposely was trying to get in my way. That’s not me. Exhaustion often gets the best of me. It’s hard because young children are so intent on being their own people that they don’t want to listen all the time – they don’t know why you are asking them to do something – and sometimes there isn’t a good reason besides you are tired and want them to be still and quiet so you can relax, but is that really a good reason for them to stop dancing or having fun when they are 2 and full of energy? As a first time mother, it’s hard to be consistent, firm, and caring all the time and know what is really good or important to be firm or soft about for your child to grow into a good human being.
Maddy says
I am so glad I read this today. I was getting there…I was becoming that Mom. That fear that your daughter had of you because you yelled, that would be happening to my daughter too had I not read this. Thank you for this post. You are right, I need to stop chasing perfection and most of all I need to calm down and tell myself that even if things are not perfect, I don’t need to yell at my kids to get them to listen.
kyra lloyd says
Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear every word.
Maria says
I could have never read this at the perfect time. I have been struggling with yelling at my kids my 1 year old and 4 year old. It’s a rough and tough cycle. It’s good to hear there is hope and mom’s who go through the same things. Thank you so much. I cried some tears while reading this because what you described is exactly what I do and who I am. I need to learn to stop being so perfect and always remember that they are just kids.
Thank you so much. This is truly inspiring
Mona Talafha says
Thank you so much for this article.
I am a mother of two little girls ( 2 year and 3 year old).
I am a guilty YELLER.
I related to so many things in this article and you opened my eyes on how to actually put in some more effort in order to raise two stable and balanced girls instead of angry and moody ones.
Thank you so much!!!
Liz says
I yelled…yesterday and today. I yelled louder and meaner than I have ever yelled in my life. My son refused to get ready to leave on time even with waking him up with plenty of time. It only made the situation worse but I yelled…and yelled. Why did I get so frustrated and angry? Why did I react so badly? As I reflect, I think I realize I’ve been feeling a loss of control and I let my son’s behavior affect me so that I really did lose control. I have felt terrible all day and never want to see the fear in his eyes that I saw as I stood over him and yelled at him. I never want to hear him cry because he thinks I hate him. I never want to yell at him (or anyone) like I did yesterday and today. Thank you for helping me see the damage I could do if I continue yelling. Thank you…
Susan says
A friend told me about this post and I want to thank you for writing it and being so honest. I am having trouble keeping my calm lately, especially with my 6 year-old who struggles with me and tugs on my guilt strings almost constantly. This great honest post helps reaffirm my commitment to chill out, a work in progress. Although I think we all know that we all face similar struggles in parenting it is comforting to read this honest post about your experience and how you have change things. Thank-you.
Jennifer says
I’ve read this piece before. And just now reread it and wanted to say thank you for this and for all of your writing. I’m feeling utterly defeated as a Mom lately – particularly today – and this is a lifeline right now, to hear your story again. Thank you and keep up the great work. You’re an inspiration.
Rachel Stafford says
Hi Jennifer – I am so grateful to know that my words have helped you today and in the past. What a gift to me. I have created a handout with strategies and resources for a more positive home & heart. If you would like it, just email me. You will get an auto response, but I will get back to you as soon as I can. [email protected]. There is hope, my friend. You are not alone.
Tanya says
This squeezed my heart today. Beautiful post.
lemeryn says
This is absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing. We have all been there to an extent. This gave me goosebumps. So true! Def not easy, but how it will change our children’s lives! Wow
marys says
thank you, it was so nice and inspirating. Thank you for remind me, what is important and what happens, when my reactions are not good and what happens, when are different and peacefull.
Tricia Prues says
What a beautiful post, Rachel. I’ve also found that when I’ve been tempted to yell, it’s not because of what my 2 1/2 year old has done – it’s what her action has taken me away from (dishes…cleaning…my work…my phone *sigh*). I’ve learned that in those moments I have the perfect opportunity to model grace for my daughter. And wouldn’t you know, even at her young age, she has begun to naturally reciprocate that. “It’s okay, Mama. I help.”
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Thank you for showing us the importance of deep breaths, patience, and perspective.
Greg says
Not only must we be mindful of, are we building up or tearing down our children, we must also be mindful of, are we building up or tearing down our spouse?
My second marriage lasted shy of one year. Every day my wife would tear me down and look for fault in me. I will never entirely understand why, other than she was only doing what she knows, what she had learned growing up. I can only say I am thankful we had no children together.
Fathmath Liusha says
I’m also a yeller at times bt nowadays I keep controlling myself. Like humming a soothing song t myself when upset .ur situations keep reminding of me .n thanks for the coragoious words u have used .
Life brings ups n downs but that doesn’t means that our kids r t b blamed t our situations .thankx again
Ralph says
This story had me at hello. I was working when one of my friend share it. I pause an read thru it. An let me tell you as a single father of one cute little princess an been mom an dad at the same time you open up my eyes to something I would of never learn Rachel. Thank you I try my best to give her everything she need to be ready when she become an adult an the best thing for me would be that I can be her best friend an best dad thru her eyes. They have been time I catch my self yelling but didn’t see the way you did. I thank again from the bottom of my heart as I mover forward an change when she makes mistake like we all do in our every day live. Your awesome
Bob Lang says
What a great strory of parental transformation and are the same principles in the Empower Parents Program. This story is similar to other parental success stories of transformation that have practiced these same principles of empowerment.
Beth says
This. THIS. Thank you. You were me. The “me” I don’t want to be. The “me” I know I was over Christmas. You were brave enough to write this down and I was brave enough to keep reading, even though it was like looking in the mirror and having to face my imperfect reflection. I feel understood and freed and hopeful and restored and, and, and…! Truly, thank you.
Melissa says
My friend shared this post on Facebook today and I realised it was written last year however, it couldn’t of come at better time in my life as i am crawled up on the lounge struggling to find the energy to care for my 4 month old daughter and 3 year old son.
I cried reading this post so many of your words made so much sense and your honesty made me feel i wasn’t alone.
I have felt like all I have been doing is yelling at my son so over whelmed with the loss of control of my life and the day to day duties. I have been feeling so guilty of my reactions and worried that my son will never look at me the same, never what cuddles or a kiss bit instead be scared to do things fearful of my response.
This has made acknowledge my feelings and know that i have to deal with them for the sack if my relationships with my loved ones.
Many thanks!
Don't want to be that Mom says
The only thing I can say is, Thank you for writing this.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Ralph. It means a lot to me to know how my story impacted you. Thank you for taking the time to tell me. I wish you and your little princess all the best. PS Make sure you give yourself credit for all the things you are doing right! I bet there are quite a few of those.
Heather Bea says
Ralph, the fact that you care enough to read these articles, you strive to be a better mom/dad – good for you. Give yourself credit like Rachel said! “#Do your best and leave the rest” – Bea Breiner (My grandmother)
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for being a beautiful ray of light here on my blog today, Heather! 🙂
Rachel Macy Stafford says
There is hope in your honest, courageous words, Beth. You are not alone. If I can do it, you can too. Come back for encouragement anytime.
Patricia says
Desde Argentina te agradezco por tan hermosa carta, realmente muy emocionante nos has puesto a reflexionar a muchisimos padres. un beso grande!
Haleigh says
This reminds me so much of me and my past with my children, who I only raised to the ages of 8, 6, and the youngest was three months old.My oldest age 8 was devastated when I sent him to live with his grandmother, after slapping him in the face for telling me he hated me.Hitting is never ok, he had every right to be upset with me.I had his grandmother come pick him up because I was afraid it might happen again, or atleast that’s what I told myself. Looking back I was afraid to try and be a good parent, because I thought I would fail, that it was too hard, and there was no way I could possibly be a good Mom.I realize now they just wanted to know that I loved them, that they loved me because I was their Mom, they needed me, and just wanted me to love them in return. They wanted and needed me to be their safe place