A State Where You Can Thrive & Your People Can Breathe

detourWhen I was young, my family would take long car trips in the summertime. It was always a big deal when we’d cross state lines. Everyone in the car would look up from whatever they were doing to pass the time and celebrate our progress. Going from one territory to another was exciting, but there was nothing like crossing into my home state at the end of the trip. Knowing I’d be sleeping in my own bed made me feel giddy with delight. When my dad pulled the car into the garage, my foul mood suddenly lifted. The familiar smell of home filled my senses and made me forget how much my sister annoyed me the previous nine hours. I’d jump out of the car, eager to move my stiff ligaments and see my beloved orange cat.

Although I seldom take long car trips now, my Hands Free journey to live better and love more causes me to think about state lines every single day. These lines are not physical territories, but rather emotional boundary lines—and I’ve discovered they are critical for a peaceful, loving, joy-filled existence.

Let me explain …

With adult decisions, daily responsibilities, kid mishaps, constant pressures, and blatant distractions, it’s quite easy to cross over fragile state lines:

From a state of calm … to a state of impatience

From a state of caring … to a state of apathy

From a state of presence … to a state of distraction

From a state of hope … to a state of despair

From a state of joy … to a state of infuriation

You could have the best intentions in the world to be calm, present, and joyful and sometimes all it takes is just one incident to push you over the line. One sibling squabble … one added work assignment … one painful rejection … one burnt dinner … one dog-chewed retainer … or one call from the school and before you know it, you’ve crossed over into dangerous territory and find yourself in that place you never wanted to be (again).

I know. I remember.

It was the indescribable look of fear on my child’s face when she spilled a bag of rice that helped me see what I could not see before. I was crossing those fragile state lines into angry, desolate, critical, and cheerless territories far too often and for reasons that were quite insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

But seeing that my child had become fearful of my reactions was a powerful motivator for change. I did not want my children to grow up with a mother who spent most of her life living on the negative side. I wanted to be remembered for my smile, not my scowl. I wanted to be a safe haven, not someone to avoid. I wanted to be a Silver Lining Spotter and teach my children to look on the bright side too.

silver liningsMy vow to have a more peaceful and predictable demeanor did not mean I promised never to cross those fragile state lines. I am human after all. Even now, nearly five years into this journey, I still cross those fragile state lines. I get sad, frustrated, angry, hopeless, and insecure. Yes, I still cross those state lines, but there is a profound difference in what I do once I get there.

I do not stay.

I come back.

I come back home before I get too far down a damaging path.

It happened recently as I was pulling my car into the garage after picking up my daughter from swim team practice. It was dark outside and the rain was coming down hard. For some reason, the garage door opener was not working. I pulled the car up as close to the door as I could, but it still would not open. I ended up going through the house to lift the door. When I eventually pulled the car in, it was at a different angle than usual. I proceeded to scrape the side of the car against the brick wall.

Suddenly I felt like a young, inexperienced driver who was going to have to confess to her parents that she damaged the car. My inner perfectionist quickly sabotaged any calm, rational thoughts I’d hoped to have in that moment.

“Why did I do that? WHY????” I cried out. “I should have been more careful!” I slammed my fist against the steering wheel in frustration.

My younger daughter put her hands over her ears and my older daughter forcefully declared, “Mom! It was a mistake! It’s okay!”

And that’s when I heard the life-saving words that distinguish me from who I once was to who I am now. “Come back. Come back,” my loving internal navigation system whispered. “You don’t have to go any farther down that damaging path. Come back. Come back.”

I forced myself to look into the eyes of my children in an effort to gather some perspective and remember they are learning how to respond to life’s challenges by watching my responses. “We are all okay, aren’t we?” I said quietly, reminding myself what was really important.

There was a collective sigh from the backseat. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have had difficulty coming back. The old me would have gone on a rant, broke down and cried, or berated myself endlessly. Shortly thereafter, I’d arrive at Regret—and Regret, as you may know, offers a lot of one-way tickets. It’s one of the hardest places to ever leave.

“Maybe it’s not so bad,” I said hopefully as I got out of the car to inspect the damage. And to my surprise, the sound of the accident was much worse than it actually was.

DSC_0619“See, Mama? It’s okay! We’re okay!” my little optimist said surveying the damage with a smile. And then, while standing there looking at my scraped up car, I managed to smile back at her. I was so relieved I’d chosen to come home.

Last week a member of The Hands Free Revolution left a comment on the blog post that jumped out at me. She said, “I can be the party, but staying the party—that’s the hard part for me.”

Oh those dreaded state lines. It sounded like she knew them too. Perhaps she needed to know how to come back—how to come back before going even farther down that damaging path. The following message is for her and for anyone else who wants to come back to a place of peace and connection in times of challenge and strife …

Come Back

It doesn’t take much to cross over those fragile state lines,
From a state of grace … to a state of unkindness
From a state of clarity … to a state of doubt
From a state of gratitude … to a state of negativity
From a state of harmony … to a state of turmoil
From a state of ambition … to a state of inaction

Just one lost homework paper
Just one mediocre work review
Just one blow to your self-esteem
Just one wrong turn
Just one stupid mistake
Just one more ear infection
Just one more sleepless night
Just one more let down

Before you know it, you’ve crossed over
And find yourself in that place you never wanted to be (again).

Don’t stay there.
And certainly don’t go any farther down the road to the inescapable state of Regret.
This trip called Life is too short and too precious to spend in such dismal places.

Come back.
Come back.

Forgive yourself.
Forgive the one who wronged you.

Decide this isn’t over.
Decide you’ve only just begun.

Lower the bar. It’s good enough for the people who love you.
Scale back. Surrender the pressure to “do it all.”

Take ten minutes to do something you love.
Take an old hand or a young hand in yours. See loving memories and future possibilities in their palms.

Whisper: “Let it be. Let it be.”
Declare: “I cannot control, so let me release.”

Turn up a good song.
Call up a good friend.

Hug the person nearest you.
Hug the person farthest out of reach.

Put something of value in someone’s empty cup.
Put something of value in your own cup.

Walk outside and spot something beautiful.
Dig inside and spot something beautiful you thought was gone.

Come back.
Come back.

Crossing those fragile state lines is part of being human.
But don’t stay in a place you cannot thrive.

Come back.
Come back.

The door might be difficult to open.
And it might not be a flawless entry.
But once you get back to a state of peace, it’s easier to see what’s important.
“It’s okay. We are all okay,” you or a loved one might say despite the scrapes and bruises you see.

Come back.
Come back.
There’s no map needed.
Just listen to that little voice reminding you that love can bring you home.

home

****************************************

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, thank you for the incredible response to “The Life of the Party is Closer Than You Think.” My story has been syndicated on Mampedia, one of the most informative and empowering parenting sites available on the Internet. I am grateful for their support in spreading the message, and I encourage you to check out the wisdom shared by many voices on their uplifting site.

I was also truly moved by the outpouring of support and interest you expressed in my new book HANDS FREE LIFE: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More. One reader asked how it was different than Hands Free Mama and I thought I would share my response in case others had the same question:

The steps I outlined in Hands Free Mama to become less distracted were truly just the beginning. In order to be completely free to focus on what truly enriches our lives, we must acquire a new perspective. We must recognize the larger, all-encompassing distractions of our culture that divert us from living and loving fully. This is where HANDS FREE LIFE comes in. In this book, I reveal nine intentional habits that ignite a sense of urgency—urgency to live … love … dream … connect … embrace … forgive … and flourish. Adopting the nine habits of a Hands Free Life is a deeper, more enduring process than simply putting down the phone, burning the to-do list, and letting go of perfection. I am very excited to share it with this community as many of the questions I am commonly asked provided inspiration for the book. You can learn more and pre-order it here.

* Note about next week: As you may remember from this post, my mom had a sudden onset of Bell’s Palsy a few weeks ago. I am going to be spending some time with her so the blog and The Hands Free Revolution page will be quiet for a bit beginning on April 4th while we enjoy each others’ company. Thank you for understanding the importance of living the message that I write. 

Somebody’s Child

"Know what it is to be a child . . . To see a world in a grain of sand And heaven in a wild flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour." --William Blake

“Know what it is to be a child . . .
To see a world in a grain of sand
And heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.”
–William Blake

*name has been changed

I still remember her baby fine blonde hair that hung  just above her shoulders. She had a freckle-dusted nose, Snow White skin, and a toothy smile.  The way her hair was combed till it shined revealed that someone took great care in getting this little first grader ready for school each day.

Grace* was a beautiful, well-behaved child who, at first glance, appeared to be any teacher’s dream. But within ten minutes of the first day of school, I knew Grace would offer an extreme test of patience despite my previous experience in the most challenging special education classrooms.

As if pulled by some magnetic force, Grace physically gravitated toward me. If she was not sitting at her desk, she could be found directly under my nose looking up at me with a concerned expression.

Why the nearness? Why the concern? You may wonder.

Because Grace was a Persistent Question Asker. Whatever inquiry popped into her 6-year-old brain came out of her mouth—and the question was always addressed to me.

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