As a child, the Fourth of July was always bittersweet for me. I loved the fireworks, the cookouts, and time spent with family, but what it represented on the calendar was a different story.
In the small white box of my daily planner it read: “Independence Day.” But in my mind, those words translated to: Summer is half over. Even now, as an adult, I get that wow-it’s-already-the-Fourth-of-July-feeling when that date arrives on the calendar—and it makes me feel a little sad.
And this summer that melancholy feeling hit me harder than in past years … possibly because I’ve been living up to my “Hands Free Summer Contract” and soaking up countless moments that matter in the process.
But I believe in being real in this space I call “Hands Free Mama,” so here’s some reality …
As an adult, parent, writer, and contributing member of society, there are multiple factors that threaten my “Hands Free” status each day—distractions of the modern age, household chores, writing deadlines, various projects, and overall life expectations are just a finger tip away, ready and waiting to flick what really matters right off the priority list.
So when the demanding, productivity driven drill sergeant in my head threatens to drown out my loving “Hands Free” inner voice, I need my reminders. I cling to my reminders. Reminders like this one: In approximately one month, my children will go back to school and a more structured, less spontaneous schedule will resume.
So when a member of “The Hands Free Revolution” shared the article “Challenge Yourself to a Worthwhile Summer,” the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Not only was it the reminder I needed, but it also provided a concrete action that would enable me to grasp the moments that matter before the playful summer days expired.
Author Mary Schmich writes:
“All seasons are fundamentally about time, how it passes, how we spend it. Summer, more than the other seasons, I think, summons some desire to return to the freedom of childhood, even as, and maybe because, we're moving in the opposite direction.
The first summer day I clearly remember, the one that set the standard, was when I was 7 years old. I'd taken my first swimming lesson and afterward, on a steamy morning, with my hair still wet, my mother took me to a cool, dark bookstore, where we bought my first Nancy Drew book, ‘The Clue in the Crumbling Wall.’ I spent the afternoon under a tree, reading and sipping iced tea, with a thunderstorm coming on.
To this day, that day has all the components of my idea of summer perfection: exercise, water, fresh air, feeling clean, the mix of hot and cool, a good book, emotional safety, sunshine with the scent of a storm and, though at the age of 7 I couldn't have named it, a sense of time unending.”
In the article, Schmich describes how she challenged herself to record one “summery” thing she'd done each day on an index card. I loved this quick and easy way of documenting memories. I could see myself (or my children) reading the cards in a year, five years, or even twenty years from now as a means of recalling the “Hands Free” moments of Summer 2012.
Since visual reminders are most powerful for me, I decided to display my daily “Hands Free” index cards on a piece of poster board. My daughters, who are my best source of “Hands Free” accountability, helped me create the poster and mount it in a high traffic area of the house. Every time I walked by it, the sign practically lit up gently reminding me that sometime that day I must let go of distraction and grasp a moment.
Given Mary Schmich’s book and tree example, I was beautifully reminded that it's the simple things in life that matter. And even brief, low cost actions that tap into what really matters can create lasting memories.
Although I was able to go “Hands Free” at various times throughout the day, I chose to post one or two of my favorite actions on the poster board. This is what my first week looked like:
Day 1: grabbed a deck of cards and gathered on a towel with my daughters to play Crazy Eight’s and Old Maid during a swim meet.
Day 2: suggested a “family walk” after dinner with my daughters and husband and everyone made it around the big loop.
Day 3: took a spontaneous trip to a seldom visited park with a picnic of mini muffins and while there did an “underdoggy” (i.e., pushing my children on the swing and then running underneath) just like when they were toddlers.
Day 4: accepted the invitation of my 5 year old to crawl back into bed midmorning and so we could “just talk about things.”
Day 5: visited the new library in town and brought home a huge stack of beautiful picture books that were so inviting my daughters and I immediately nestled on the couch and read several aloud.
Day 6: discovered my 5 year old’s kindergarten writing journal and she asked if she could read every single page. I listened intently as she shared her observations and marveled at her transformation into a writer.
Day 7: helped my 9 year old plan a back yard carnival—including a diagram, supply list, and activity station ideas.
Although they were not documented on the poster board, I enjoyed other memorable “Hands Free” moments throughout Week One like helping my 9 year old paint and construct a doll house using cardboard boxes … accepting my 5 year old’s request to lift the back of her shirt and scratch gently until my hand grew numb … participating in a “walking club” with my daughters and their friends where we just walked and talked about what is important in their lives.
As I removed Week One’s collection of cards to make room for Week Two, I could have easily called this “Hands Free” tactic a winner. This post could have ended right here with many motivated folks rushing off to get themselves a stack of blank index cards.
But I cannot end it here.
There is something just as important about what these index cards DON’T say as what they DO say.
And this critical component about living “Hands Free” must be acknowledged.
For every single one of these actions there was an alternative … often something more convenient … something less messy … something that required less effort … something more “productive.”
When my daughter asked me to crawl in bed at 10 a.m. don’t think I didn’t look at the messy piles around my bedroom and think for a moment, “But I could knock out one of these piles instead.”
And don’t think that for one minute that I didn’t consider the huge MESS that my daughter’s cardboard box dollhouse creation would produce.
And believe me, when I sat cross-legged on the towel to play cards at the swim meet, it would have been a lot more comfortable to sit in my pop chair with a cool drink and phone in hand.
Oh yes, what these index cards don’t say is there was another choice for me—in most cases, an easier, more convenient, and less time consuming choice. It takes effort to say YES to the moments that matter.
But there is something else these index cards don’t say. And this, my friends, is the good part.
For each one of the actions written on the index cards, there was a reaction … a response … a beautiful result of the choice I made to go “Hands Free.” And these results were powerful enough to knock the insignificant distractions of my life right off my radar and overwhelm my heart with gratitude.
I call it “The Hands Free Effect.” With each small effort to let go of daily distraction, a profoundly transforming reaction occurs. And “The Hands Free Effect” that resulted on Day 2 (suggesting a family walk) is the perfect way to illustrate it.
After the family walk, my 5 year old requested we keep walking, just the two of us.
As we rounded the first corner, she looked up at the billowy white clouds to discover a perfectly round window that allowed a million sunbeams to burst through.
My daughter gasped and then pointed.
“Look! There’s heaven, Mama!”
It was not a question; it was a statement. For someone who was continually inquisitive about heaven and its abstractedness, she seemed certain about this.
And then, “Do you believe in angels, Mama?”
I gave an elementary explanation of my belief in angels both in heaven and on earth and provided a concrete example using someone she knew. We talked about the beautiful Miss Elliot, our beloved neighbor and friend, who just weeks ago was an angel on earth is now an angel in heaven watching over her precious children.
“What do you love about me?” was her next question. “And you can’t say my curly hair, my kindness, my hugs, my big smile, or that soft spot under my chin that you like to kiss,” she added with a smile.
After coming up with a few positive attributes she hadn’t mentioned, my child had a follow up question that unexpectedly left me speechless.
“What do you love about the world?”
Suddenly the contents of our entire conversation rose to the surface and collected as tears along the rims of my eyes.
I thought about the beautiful angel Elliot whose life was cut tragically short … I thought of her precious children missing their mama’s voice, her touch, and a love that only she could give … I looked at my own beautiful child, this child who knew every precious thing I loved about her … I looked at the clouds that had “heavenly” beams of light peering though … and suddenly the world looked beautiful—more beautiful than it had just minutes before. What really mattered had been brought to the forefront, directly into my field of vision.
And I will tell you, in that moment, I couldn’t speak. “The Hands Free Effect” was working overtime, and I could barely contain my emotion.
Sensing I needed a moment, my daughter took my hand in hers and said, “Well, while you are thinking, I will tell you what I love about the world. ”
Then she stopped walking so she could peer up into my face and speak directly into my soul.
“What I most love about the world is YOU.”
I am simply the messenger on this journey to grasp what really matters, and it is by the grace of God that I have this message to give:
Grab a stack of index cards, sticky notes, or whatever you can get your hands on and fill them.
Fill the empty lines … fill the blank spaces.
Fill them with small actions of meaningful connection.
And in the process,
Fill your life.
Fill your heart.
Fill your soul.
Fill your memory bank and the memory bank of someone you love.
And then be prepared to experience the eye-opening, life-changing effects of your actions …
Because there’s a beautiful world out there.
And an even more beautiful one staring up at you.
**********************************************************
The reader who shared “Challenge Yourself to a Worthwhile Summer” made a note worthy statement regarding Mary Schmich’s notion that engaging in “summery activities” – even for small increments of time – can be meaningful.
She wrote, “I was having a hard time accepting that I have to work out of the home, and I am missing SO much. This made me remember that I can have my hands free moments with my kids; I can still have a meaningful life. I need to let go of what I cannot control and grasp the time I DO have. Even if it is only one hour, that is MY hour, my hands free time for who really matters.”
Thank you, Rhonda, for sharing both the article and your powerful insight.
*On a personal note: Both my blog and “The Hands Free Revolution” page will be quiet this week as I enjoy a break from online activities. I will be spending that time filling the index cards of my life with meaningful connection. I’m quite certain I will enjoy the positive effects of these actions now, but something tells they will be even more rewarding in about 30 years when I see my children being “Hands Free” with their children.
“My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~Clarence B. Kelland
Rachel,
I have to be honest, I don’t typically read “long posts” or articles. I’m very intentional about the content I read and stick to the shorter material. But, your posts are incredibly inspiring. I dare say magical.
Thank you for sharing your talent and story telling. Most importantly, thank you for sharing your humanity, your struggles, and your victories as a parent.
As I build my own blog, I’ve asked my wife what she enjoys reading. What connects with her? I’m certainly glad she pointed to “Hands Free Mama.”
I look forward to your next post.
I would even go a step further i sayig that not only do I rarely read long posts but I never respond to them. I guess I feel that I am to busy.( Not true!)
I would like to take the time right now to thank you for these long posts that speak directly to my heart and remind me not to take for granted my seven beautiful angels.
Thanks
Thank you, Keisha! I appreciate your kind words so much!
WOW! Thank you so much, Chad! Before I started my blog, I did (and continue to do) extensive research on what makes a blog successful. There are some areas that I have decided to follow my heart, rather than the expert advice. Your inspiring comment affirms the choices I have made. I always cringe when I see the word count on my posts, despite hours of editing. However, I continue to publish these long posts, and the wonderful readers keep coming. My dream of becoming a published writer comes closer each day, but yet, I have found that simply taking the steps to fulfill my dream has been an incredibly rewarding experience in itself.
I wish you only the best in your endeavors. I just finished the book “Platform” by Michael Hiatt. It is full of useful tips for building a powerful platform using social media, as well as tips for successful blogging. Perhaps it could be helpful to you, too.
P.S. Please tell your wife I appreciated her recommendation. I wouldn’t be where I am without people like her.
Your messages are so inspiring,so heartfelt,so real.your children are incredibly blesses to have such a loving mother. I was going to go to spinning today but because of this post,instead my daughter and I will ride our tandem bike to the beach and make summer memories instead. Thank you Rachel for reminding me again about what is most important!
Nicola, thank you! To know my writing made THIS kind of difference in your day (and your child’s) makes me so happy. Thank you for this gift.
I am encouraged and inspired by your posts, Rachel. Thank you for sharing your life–the good, bad and the ugly (rooms, that is!). I am so glad that my adult daughter pointed me in your direction when she first saw the post, “How to Miss a Childhood” in May.
I am having to go through boxes of papers as I move from a house where I lived 17 years with my wonderful family. All 4 kids are grown now, some with families of their own. All that remains is the boxes of memories that I’ve held onto for 38 years, moving among 5 different states. I cherish rereading their hand crafted cards and elementary school essays. These are remnants of the “hands free” time I had with them as children when I taught them at home.
I am seeking to be a “hands free” grammy now and have 3 grandchildren to make memories with. Thank you for encouraging me in new ways to capture lovely moments to savor in my golden years.
That is lovely, Cyndee. How amazing that you held on to these beloved papers for 38 years and 5 states! I am a bit of a “pack rat” when it comes to messages, drawings, and stories written by my daughters. I see them as beloved keepsakes and a way to relive a moment in time. So now, after reading your beautiful comment, I will not feel badly about keeping so much.
Your children and grandchildren are very blessed to have you in their life. Thank you for taking the time to share! (P.S. I love the term “Grammy”. My children call my mother in law that.)
Love this one Rach!!! I think I am going to start documenting our summery activities!! We just started the “Foreman Gym”, every morning after breakfast we do our cardio (trampoline jumping or trail riding etc.) and then we do our exercises together. It helps me for sure, but it also is hopefully building in them what you once told me about your parent. I know you are an avid exerciser, and I remember you saying your parents always made sure you did some kind of exercise every day. Maybe if we do it together it will build memories and bodies!! 🙂
Much Love!!
This is so awesome, Kerry! The “Foreman Gym” is a place I would LOVE to work out. I bet you play great tunes there. 🙂
You are SO right. I am a big advocate for modeling exercise to our children and doing it with them … even if it is only 5 minutes! (And even if it is just dancing!) We are into the “family walk” these days. My youngest goes really slow, but we always have the best conversations. Even on 100 degree evenings, I find these walks so enjoyable. Thank you for sharing your inspiring idea, Kerry! XOXO
Well you did it again…spoke directly to my heart! Last night, my silly husband and son jumped into our brand new swimming pool in their clothes while I sat inside fussing about it. Tonight, I will be sure to jump in with my clothes on too!!
YAY! I love it, Peggy! It sounds like you are married to a Hands Free Guy! And if you do jump in with your clothes on, please watch the kids’ faces. I am certain you will see the look of PURE DELIGHT and they will never forget that awesome memory!!!
Another wowzer post. Thank you! I am from Alabama and wonder if our sweet Elliot is one in the same. If so, she was an inspiration to so many. If you haven’t read her Dad’s latest post on her Caring Bridge site, please do. It is so moving. Enjoy your week!
Hi Denise. Thank you for the loving words about my post. And yes, I am certain our precious Elliot is one in the same. How blessed are we that we were able to know Elliot and be touched by her life? I was awe struck by her father’s post. I pray that the posts on the site will be made into a book. Elliot’s words were amazing to me. I think her messages could bring such hope to those going through difficult life events.
I anxiously look forward to your posts, even though they make me cry. =) Thank you for being open, for sharing & for helping remind us all what is important.
I hope that even though my “baby” is now 22 she can look back & see moments that matter in our relationship. And that even though she’s grown, that we work on keeping moment that matter in our lives & when I’m blessed with grandchildren that I can make wonderful memories with them too.
My children are grown and I believe this still
Applies. Also when I’m with my Geandchildren.
I was recently in a Olive Garden having brunch
With my husband. A child about 10 was dining
With his Mother being so grown up checking
Several time to make sure his napkin was on his
Lap. Because of this site I took notice that this
Mother who had special time with her son could
Not leave her phone alone long enough to carry
A conversation with her son.
When we got up to leave I told the mom you have
To be so proud to have this special time with such
A polite young man . Hoping to hint to please put her
Phone away. She thanked me . I hope she took
The hint.
Rachel,
This is so timely as I have been composing a post about Elliot and haven’t been able to get through it yet. Isn’t that weird?! Thoughts of her have consumed me as of late.
Thank you so much for linking your blog to mine. I followed your link and read this post. It is beautiful. I look forward to sitting down with my favorite mug of coffee and reading your work.
Many Blessings to you, my new friend.
Joy
Thank you so much, Joy. I hope that you will be able to find the words and the strength to write that post. Your messages about Elliot are some of the most beautiful I have ever read. You captured her essence and bring such peace to those who read your words. I have sent the link to your Elliot posts to readers of mine who are watching loved ones suffer from cancer. Your messages are truly a gift. I will be checking in on your blog for more inspiration. Thank you so much for all that you do.
I think she has a great idea!! I just find it a little ironic that to recreate her perfect 7 year old moment-reading under a tree in her kids lives she has to spend time to create a “Hands Free” poster.
What an incredible reminder of how short life is, not just summer, and that sooner or later time “runs out.” Taking the time now to treasure the precious moments, even if you don’t recognize them as such at the time, definitely helps to put things into perspective.
Well that settles it. I cannot read one of your posts without crying! You are one smart cookie.
I am amazed at the things your daughters say at such a young age! I sometimes have a hard time getting my five year old (boy) to open up about his emotions. Any advice about that, or do you just think it is boy thing?
Hi Jen, thank you so much! What a kind thing to say! As far as your question goes, I feel like the BEST time to get kids to open up is at bedtime … when you are resting together quietly in the dark. We call it “talk time” and my oldest (now 9) came up with that term when she was a toddler. It is amazing how the things on her mind come up at that time. My 5 year old also enjoys “talk time” but for her it is more like “question time.” I have written about this special daily routine on my blog and many readers (ones with boys, too) have had great results from it. One mother of a little boy said just after 2 nights, he was anxiously awaiting “talk time.” He was 4 at the time. Also, I have been finding that taking a walk with my children has been a great way to hear what is on their minds. Sometimes I can go with each child one on one, which I really get a lot of information, but even if we have to go together, they still share their thoughts. If you are interested in some of the posts I have written on “talk time,” “question time” or how I create conversation while driving in the car, let me know and I will add the links to this post.
Here are the links, Jen … glad you asked!
“I See a Bright Spot” (talk time) http://www.handsfreemama.com/2010/12/16/i-see-a-bright-spot/
“My secret life” has the description of a “talk time” journal that might be useful for your son (even if he can only draw pictures): http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/01/10/my-secret-life/
“What Began as a Question” http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/04/12/what-began-as-a-question/
“How’s My Driving” (questions to ask while driving) http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/03/26/hows-my-driving/
Thank you Rachel! Yes, I would love the links. A while back, we would each tell our “best thing” and “hardest thing” about the day. Maybe I should reinstate that also. I think we quit because my husband’s answers drove me nuts. It was the same every day… “Best… leaving work”, “hardest… getting up to go to work”!
Added the links! Thanks for your interest and commitment! I like your idea about having a question that is a daily ritual.
Thank you so much for the links. I read each one and sat in tears once again!
Is it too late for this summer to be a hands free summer? I think not. Never too late, right? We head to the lake next week for some family fun time. I think I’ll leave this iPad at home and stop at Target for some Old Maid cards. Thanks for the inspiration.
It is NEVER too late, Denice! Even if it were the last day of summer, I would tell you to GO FOR IT. Each day, each moment is a chance to make a memory with someone you love! Thank you for being here!
I am in love with this! I cover simple living in my blog (www.modernpioneergirl.blogspot.com), but it is more about self-sufficiency than “hands free”. I have become addicted to reading your posts and learning as much as I can about the idea. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!!
Thank you so much! I just checked out your lovely blog, and I can see so much useful information about living a clean and healthy lifestyle. My daughter is going to make the bread that you described in your latest post. Thank you!
Hi Rachel, It has been a while. I took a hands free trip to Ghana to spend time with ailing Mom and my siblings. I am back and savoring summery moments with my 4 and 8 year old granddaughters. And I have got them writing down all our fun times. We leave on a road trip tomorrow for Florida for a four day family vacation; My hubby and I will share the 14-hour drive. Our 14 and 16 year old teen girls will be in tow. I often think about you and your vision for this hands free journey. I thank you for reminding us mamas of what matters most in our earthly journeys. You are an earth angel sent from heaven. Enjoy your vacation.
I’ve shared this wonderful post on my Facebook page… You, dearie, are exactly what my “wine before five” is all about. Life is Good, and Sweet, and Short. Savor. The Ordinary is Extraordinary. We are among the lucky ones — we get it. You are an active mama; I am an empty nester. But seeing what is truly important in life — not that text, that call, that pile of laundry, or even the dust on the ceiling fans — that’s what matters. Lovely post. Wonderful. Thank you! (PS I found you via Practical Redhead!)