It was a simple enough recipe—place peanuts and several types of chocolate in a crockpot for two hours and then scoop out the melted mixture in dollops to create bite-sized treats.
Simple, right? Well, not if you forget about it for four hours.
My younger daughter came downstairs when she smelled a pungent odor wafting from the kitchen. “What is that horrible smell, Mama?” she asked scrunching up her face as I scraped peanuts that now resembled black beans into the sink.
“I just wasted four bags of chocolate because I forgot to turn off the crockpot. I cannot believe I did that!” I chastised myself as I aggressively shoved charred clumps of chocolate into the garbage disposal. “And now I don’t have anything to bring to the party.” I didn’t try to hide my disappointment. I couldn’t believe I’d messed up something so simple.
And that’s when a little voice of wisdom cut right through the burnt haze of my frustration.
“Everybody makes mistakes,” consoled my daughter. “Remember, Mama?”
Remember.
She was telling me to remember because those have been my words to her over the past three years. In every possible way, I tell her mistakes are okay. Mistakes are necessary. Mistakes are what happen when you are living life and taking chances.
Unlike her older sister, she doesn’t remember how it used to be. During my highly distracted years the pressure to be perfect was fierce. Innocent mistakes were met with aggravated sighs and eye rolls. It wasn’t until I saw the pressure my older daughter was putting on herself that I realized I needed to stop shunning mistakes and embrace them as part of our home and our lives.
Although my older daughter lived with a perfectionistic mother for six years, her memories of the controlling, impatient, unapologetic version of myself are fuzzy. I know this because I brought it up recently during our nightly Talk Time. Earlier that day, I’d participated in a follow-up interview with Good Housekeeping magazine about letting go of perfection. Unexpectedly, the editors requested a fresh, untold story that I’d never written about before.
“Can you describe a time when you wanted things to be perfect to the point it made you lose your temper?” the editor had asked in an effort to jog my memory.
I closed my eyes and thought. Snippets of difficult to re-live memories were more easily retrieved than I expected. As I envisioned pink and yellow checked outfits, I felt sadness well up in my throat. I vividly remembered the pressure building up inside me as I tried to get my daughters out the door to meet new neighbors. We had just moved, and I knew no one. I felt so unattractive that day—so far from perfect. And there were my precious girls wanting to wear comfortably worn mismatched shorts. They wanted nothing to do with pretty outfits and neatly secured ponytails. They just wanted to play and be kids. Of course, in true drill sergeant fashion, I made them wear the pristine outfits despite their cries.
I recounted the story to the editor … a story no one had ever heard before … a story I’d tried to forget and almost did.
“Oh this is wonderful. Lots of people will be able to relate to this,” she encouraged.
But yet I felt regretful and alone. I thought about that painful memory all day. So much that I felt the urge to apologize to the one I knew probably remembered it too. Although it happened several years ago, I’ve learned it’s never too late to ask for forgiveness.
“I am sorry I used to want things perfect all the time,” I blurted out to my older daughter in the glow of the nightlight at Talk Time.
“Give me an example,” she asked unexpectedly.
“Do you remember how stressed out I would get about wanting things to look a certain way when we left the house? Or how I made such a big deal out of trivial mistakes and mishaps?” I asked bracing myself for distressing recollections.
“Not really,” she shrugged. “I just remember how you used to lay out my clothes every morning, and I didn’t get to pick. But now you let me wear what I want.” She snuggled closer. “I like it the way it is now.”
“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner that being happy matters more than making things look perfect. I’m sorry I didn’t change sooner,” I admitted with regret.
“It’s better to know it now than never know it at all,” she wisely offered.
My child’s profound words were fresh on my mind the next morning as we prepared for school. Her little sister was standing in front of the mirror parting her hair straight down the middle. She completely ignored the back of her hair and as a result, it resembled an angry cactus.
I could see my older daughter eyeing her sister’s disheveled mess. She reached out her hand to take the brush, but then quickly drew it back without saying a word. My younger daughter, unaware she was being observed, walked out humming to herself happily.
My older daughter looked up at me. I was about to find out just how much my confession the night before had resonated with her. “The old you probably would have fixed her hair, and she probably would’ve cried.” After pausing for a minute she admitted, “I thought about telling her to change it, but then I decided not to say anything. It’s better to just let her be who she is.”
My friends, I am simply the messenger on this journey, and today I have some thoughts for you to consider:
Maybe the words, “I’m sorry,” can be the start of a liberating dialogue your heart’s been yearning to have.
Maybe those you have wronged can be more forgiving than you are to yourself if given the opportunity.
Maybe second chances are not given to you but rather something you offer to yourself by using new words and new actions.
Maybe who you are now is more important than who your were then.
Whether it’s been five minutes, five months, or five years,
it’s not too late to speak words of remorse,
it’s not too late to offer forgiveness to yourself or those you love,
it’s not too late to be the person you always wanted to be.
Because who you are now is more important than who you were then.
I think that sentence bears repeating:
Who you are now is more important than who you were then.
Just think of the gift you’ll be giving those who are learning how to live by watching you live—not perfectly, but with small, positive steps and daily doses of grace.
***************************
*Friends, thank you for making the week of my book launch so incredibly wonderful. Your support through the purchase of the book, the glowing reviews you have posted, and by sharing the book with others is the greatest gift to my family and me. Please continue to keep spreading the word and posting reviews. You are the reason the Hands Free message is reaching far & wide! For purchasing options click here. To post a review, click Amazon or Good Reads.
Great news … My book signing events kick off this Thursday (1/16) in Birmingham, AL! And next Tuesday (1/21), I will coming to Indianapolis! Please check out the complete schedule for signing locations & details. There are RSVP links for the Birmingham event and the Austin, Texas event. The bookstores would greatly appreciate getting a heads up on how many to expect. If you live in or around these areas, I would LOVE to see you!
Here are a few more pieces of news to share:
1) I am hosting a FREE 4-week “Stress Less Parenting Workshop” on The Huffington Post! Over the next four weeks, I’ll offer the steps I took toward having a less distracted life and simple challenges to help you take them. Click here and look for the little purple ‘subscribe' box under the article title to sign up. (Some of my readers signing up via iPhone have not been able to locate the subscribe box. I have let the HuffPost know.)
2) In honor of my book’s release, I have participated in several fun interviews. To find out some interesting facts about me and how I live out the life that I write about, check out these recently published interviews:
A Conversation with Hands Free Mama on Family Circle.com
Living the Dream: Hands Free Mama Rachel Stafford on The Center for a New American Dream
Meet Rachel Macy Stafford on Veeg Mama
Oh, and I am not the only one who has been signing books around here …
Julie says
Well this morning I had a huge battle with my daughter over a sweater and this included me screaming, saying terrible things, and her sobbing saying that I always yell at her. This is the morning after the four month anniversary of my husband, her adoring father’s death. I made her cry, over a sweater. I feel wretched, just awful, like the worst mom ever. And the statement, I miss out, is running over and over again in my head.
So thank you for “Talk Time” and for the amazing reminders. Tonight we will have our two song dance party and then reading and talk time in mommy’s bed, because her new loft bed can’t hold my weight. But I don’t want to miss out anymore, and I certainly don’t want to have battles over sweaters because I’m so rushed and stressed that I can’t stay calm and loving.
Merri A says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I know from your comment that you are an amazing mom. To be able to step back and realize your misstep so quickly and plan for your special mommy time is a good thing. (((((Hugs))))
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Julie, since you posted a comment on Freedom from Your Fears, I have been thinking about you. With every mistake (which we always notice and beat ourselves up for) there is something good that we did — my hope for you today is that you remember all the things you are doing right … that you remember you are showing up even when you might feel like pulling the covers over your head. And the fact that you are already thinking of how you can make things right tonight with your daughter — well, there’s another positive. Today my hope is that you remember ONLY LOVE TODAY — for your child and for yourself. You show up … and you keep showing up … and that matters a whole lot to the people in your world. Love to you, dear one.
Sheri Nevill says
Please be gentle with yourself! My husband died almost 2 years ago and I remember how things were only 4 months after he died. Our daughter was going in to grade 1 and it was a struggle just to get her to school in the morning or to do day to day chores. No one is perfect and you’re going through a lot right now.
Sarah says
Hi Julie,
Just a quick note to let you know I had a similar battle with my daughter this morning and I am not dealing with what you are. I am so sorry for your loss. We all have these battles and they are awful and we feel awful (and like the worse Mom ever) but she will remember your cuddle time tonight and all will be OK. You’re doing the best you can….which is awesome!! Many hugs to you and your girl.
Amber Allen says
I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m thinking and praying for you and your family during this time.
Lindsey says
Thank you for this – for the reminder that it is never too late to say I’m sorry and to start over. I tell my children all the time that I’m sorry and that I messed up, and I’m often startled when I share this with people and they respond with shock. I think admitting my own errors, and demonstrating the power of change, is essential to teaching my children to do the same. xoxo
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, my wise and wonderful friend. I loved the story you wrote about apologizing to your children and their reaction. It was one of my favorites. I am honored to share this journey with you.
Lynda - all about mama says
I also wrote about the importance of apologising to our children and am also astounded with how many parents view something that I view as essential as being really out there and novel. Genuine apologising needs to be modelled and if you can’t bring yourself to say sorry on a regular basis to your children how can you expect them to be able to readily do it? It probably explains to a large degree why we have a culture where excuse making and passing the buck, rather than a genuine simple sorry seems to be the order of the day.
Fantastic post as always Rachel 🙂
Kristin Shaw says
I started apologizing to my son when he was old enough to understand… and maybe even before. And he is good at saying “I’m sorry” too, so we’re all learning together. xo
So You Think Parenting Is About The Children? says
I had tears in my eyes reading this. I really think our children offer us great healing – ironically often it’s by driving us nuts and making us see ourselves in all our shameful glory rather than by being so kind and loving as your girls were to you in this story of yours.
I am currently working hard to stop imposing my ways, my ideas, my fears onto my children. It’s having to take a big step back and let them have a messy back of the head. You know what? Her messy hair is NOT ABOUT ME! And oh boy it’s so darn difficult to remember that in the heat of the “but it isn’t supposed to be this way”
My son and I just agreed that if I shout, which we have discussed and agreed is not cool, I will give him a bean for his jar (He gets those for admirable and joyful things he does and when the jar is full he gets to choose something cool). This way at least if I mess up by lapsing into the ‘old way’ we all know it’s not how its meant to be and he also gets something good as my tangible ‘sorry’.
Now that we have agreed on his getting a bean if I don’t manage to remember myself he says to me with a grin, “Now I want you to shout Mama.” 🙂
Rachel Macy Stafford says
“I am currently working hard to stop imposing my ways, my ideas, my fears onto my children. It’s having to take a big step back and let them have a messy back of the head. You know what? Her messy hair is NOT ABOUT ME! And oh boy it’s so darn difficult to remember that in the heat of the but it isn’t supposed to be this way.”
Profound, enlightening, & freeing. Thank you for sharing.
Jen says
I am sat here in tears. I am the old you. I’d like to be the new you for my three beautiful daughters. Thank you x
Rachel Macy Stafford says
There is hope, Jen. The New Me didn’t happen overnight — lots and lots and lots of baby steps over time — and I am still a work in progress. But there is hope and encouragement here when you need it. It sounds like you have already taken the first step: Awareness is critical to change.
So You Think Parenting Is About The Children? says
Hi Jen. I just want to send love and support to you. I’ve been at this conscious parenting thing a while and I still feel so saddened by my behaviour and reactions at times. I choose to believe our children choose us for exactly who we are – because that is the experience they need for their own life journey. So be gentle with yourself and like Rachel says, take it slow. There is NO SUCH THING as perfect parenting and apparently it takes 10, 000 hours of practice before you can be truly proficient at something. I think by then the kids are grown…
Jennifer says
This is so sweet. First I have to say I love you and your daughters’ hair color. You are all so beautiful. I remember a time when I screamed at my daughter for falling and getting hurt because she rocked on the chair like I told her not to so many times. I was so upset at myself and I really did make a change from that point on. I still feel horrible when I think about it…but I guess the fact that it happened made me realize that change needed to happen!
Whitney says
Where can we get your braclets?
Hands Free Mama says
The ‘Live Hands Free’ and ‘Only Love Today’ leather bracelets can be purchased here: http://shop.handsfreemama.com
Thank you for the support!
Holly says
Just ordered your book this morning and I can’t wait to read it! This post so resonates with me as well. I’ve noticed that letting go of perfection is getting easier, but not when I drink a lot of coffee …so I’m also giving up coffee. No easy feat for someone who’s been drinking it for almost 30 years! But I don’t want to be that irritable or angry mama anymore. Thanks for bringing it home for many of us.
kristin says
YOU ARE AMAZING!!! (tears here) I love these words…”Maybe second chances are not given to you but rather something you offer to yourself “. Too often I think people hold onto the regret and burden themselves with the pain and punishment. One must open themselves up and “offer” those second chances to themselves–I love it!!! I always picked out my girls clothes when they were young and I did want them to look nice in public. I think that is important. However, as they got older we looked at what they could wear together. Now my 14 year old comes up with her own outfits (of course) but does ask my opinion at times. I explain why I don’t think it works and she usually goes with it. With my 11 year old she tells me what she wants to wear but she is easy (loves the exersize clothes). They have learned from me that I am who I am and I wear what I want. It is the comfort outfit/exersize look but not the name brands. I am fine with who I am and don’t need to flash it up to look like the cool moms. Besides, I wouldn’t be true to myself or feel comfortable in my own skin if I did that.
Karen Mercer says
As a grandmother of 3, wisdom comes with age and with my grandchildren it’s OK if there is mud on the floor, or if you spill your favorite orange juice, or you want to wear the stripes with flowered shirt. Sure it’s fine with me. As a mother of 2, I’m sure I yelled, was irate over minor things, and yes looking back am still upset by it. You young mothers, remember, it doesn’t matter, your children do and their self esteem, all they want and need is to be loved and accepted by you.
Michelle N says
Thank you.
Melissa says
Rachel – I want to say how happy I am to have found your blog – your perspective, insight, and daily mantras resonate with me so profoundly! I have 2 young daughters (4.5 and almost 3), and I’m trying to employ some new ‘methods’ in order to live more Hands Free and be more present – and what better time to seize the moment than in this New Year. I thought of being Hands Free yesterday as the 3 of us had a tea party – I sat there in awe as I watched them and participated and felt so blessed for that moment. And I even washed the tiny cups and saucers so we could ‘really’ drink our ‘tea’, and they were so happy about that! I know this time is fleeting, their youth and innocence, and I want to enjoy it and cherish it amidst all the clatter of my daily life.
I ordered your book and I am so looking forward to reading it. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, I can’t tell you how much reading your stories and life experiences is helping me – hopefully to be the best (imperfect) Mom I can be!
Jennifer D. says
This brought me to tears!! It tells the story of most of us mamas at one time or another. I was the same way with my kids. My oldest also doesn’t remember that much but thankfully I am much more relaxed about things with my youngest. I remind myself that it isn’t about being perfect, it is about living and making memories with your kids! Thank you for sharing!!
John W. says
I always enjoy your post and the updated website is gorgeous!
Thank you!
Carey says
Thank you so much for this. I am slowly transitioning. I work from home, and sometimes it is unavoidable to work during the day. I used to snap every time my children interrupted me, make work the priority, and stay up until the wee hours working EVERY night. Which made me take out my stress and sleep deprivation as anger at my poor small children.
They are now 4, 3 and 1 and I have worked really hard to turn things aroundl. I’ve seen someone to deal with my anger, I cut my hours and am sleeping more (well, at least as much as the baby will let me). I still work from home occasionally and have distractions, but I make it a point to never make the computer or my work more important than them. I try to always stop what I am doing, face them, and listen to what they have to say or get up and do what they ask me to do instead of half listening while I continue working or get angry with them for the distraction.
It isn’t ideal and I am working to free myself more of distractions – I don’t have a smart phone for this reason, which makes it easy for me to focus when we are out and about. I hope to get better about the working from home. The worst is the guilt for how I treated them when they were younger (my mom tells me I was better than I remember, but the worst always stands out in our minds). I need to tell myself that what I am doing NOW is important instead of dwelling on what I did then. Thanks so much for the reminder!
Oh, and my kids look insane half the time, but I gave up the battle with my oldest about what they wear at about age 2, my middle LOVES to mix outrageous prints and clashing colors, and they even dress the baby at times. 🙂
Sharmaine says
Rachel – I want to say how happy I am to have found your blog – your perspective, insight, and daily mantras resonate with me so profoundly! I have 2 young children (8 and almost 6), and I’m trying to employ some new ‘methods’ in order to live more Hands Free and be more present. I thought of being Hands Free yesterday as I sat and enjoyed watching my son in his karate class. I make a habit of not bringing any devices during this two hour lesson so that I can take in each moment and see how proud he is whenever he accomplishes a new kota. On our way home last night my son thanked me for watching him. He commented on how the other parents are always checking their phones or playing a game but that my eyes were always focused and watching him. I do the same for my daughter during her weekly dance classes too. Our children teach me so much everyday that I wouldn’t want to miss out on a life lesson.
I ordered your book and I am looking forward to reading it. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, I can’t tell you how much reading your stories and life experiences is helping me – hopefully to be the best-not stressed, Mom I can be!
Steph @ From the Burbs to the Boonies says
My son is one of the different ones, the intense ones, the ones that stump teachers because some days are easy and some days aren’t. He’s brilliant, he’s curious, he’s loving and he will challenge everything at one point or another. I know this about him. I know he will test me, try me, push the limits, the boundaries to see what will happen. And sometimes I don’t handle it well. Reading your words helps. Thank you.
GG says
Every time I read your posts my eyes well up with emotion – not sadness so much as this overwhelming feeling that you are really onto something here. You hit a nerve every single time – you give me hope that through awareness, forgiveness and letting go we can all get better at this crazy life. I love reading your posts and sharing your insights, even though I don’t have kids, I use your guidance to help manage my own tendencies toward perfectionist and unforgiving ways.
Christina says
This was a huge dose of what I needed today. The past few days have been tough for some reason… my daughter has been more sensitive than usual, and I have been a bit less tolerant than usual – and have even yelled a couple of times (I try very hard not to yell at all). My nature is to move quickly, do it myself, get it done, go go go… and I realized quickly after having my daughter that this pace doesn’t jive with kids. Luckily she was not yet two when I figured this out. But as we all know, making significant ‘self’ changes takes time, a lot of work, and is a daily thing. I’ve come a long way, but still need reminders. That is what your posts – this one in particular – do for me. They remind me of what I do not want to be and to keep working on the ‘new’ me – the me who is a much better mama.
Mikki says
I am so appreciative of your honesty. I needed this today. Just last night, my youngest son had wrestling practice. I decided to take my brand new camera to take pictures of practice so that my husband (who works nights and can never take the boys to their practices) could see our son in action. While there, I became so focused on what my son was doing wrong in practice that I was nearly fuming. How sad, right! I kept seeing the things he was doing wrong, and none of the coaches were catching it! I had it in my head that once we got home, I would show him what he was doing wrong and he could practice the move CORRECTLY. Well, fast forward, I get home and at once realize I left my NEW CAMERA at the training hall! I was so mad at myself, so sick about it, so afraid that someone would pick it up and steal it. I quickly got the kids back in the van and yelled at myself the whole way back to the hall–which by that time was locked up. I was throwing such a tantrum, that my beautiful boy started to cry because I was scaring him, this then made me sick all over again at how I acted toward my son–my actions led to all of this! After talking with the coach on the phone, we made plans to open the gym this morning. Once my husband was home, I went and retrieved the camera (which was safe and sound) before the kids were even out of bed. All that drama, and not a single ounce of good came of it. How awful I acted, how terribly awful of me. I vowed to slow down. To breathe. To not let things get in the way of watching my boy and seeing his successes instead of just his mistakes.
Marty says
I recently came upon your blog and the article titled “stop yelling” and decided to keep it on my desk top as a weekly reminder. I may need to make room for this one too.
I remember being so stressed out when my daughter was a baby. It was a roller coaster ride…such pride and happiness and so much anger at the same time. I was so tired and it was really hard not having any control over so many things. Life was good when I went back to work, had a nanny/house keeper and my daughter was in daycare and later early grade school. There wasn’t a lot to do at night except preparing meals, baths and bedtime reading. But around 3rd grade my husband and I saw a decline in her school and in her learning progress. We had her tested and although she had a 130 IQ at age 9, she was diagnosed with a processing disorder.
We moved her to a new school and she had a really hard 1st semester. We tried tutoring but it was very expensive and she wasn’t improving in any of her subjects. I decided to retire and spend more time at home. I also took up tennis so I wouldn’t be too bored during the day. My daughter is now in 5th grade and she has made the honor roll the last 3 semesters. The down side is that I am always taking so much time out of my day to find ways to help her remember school material-(Quizlets, visual aids, downloading worksheets and even studying with her on weekends). Ever evening, I help her with her homework…Needless to say, I’m always stressed out, yelling at her to keep up etc… I constantly feel guilty for saying so many mean things (mostly when I feel she is being disrespectful and not really embracing the importance of an education or appreciating that I am taking time out of my life to help her succeed).
I just wonder if I’m doing more damage than good? I hear both sides…the assistant principle and teachers say she is really improving and “some students need the extra guidance at home” (but they only see the grades) and I hear parents say that I should back off and just let her fail…it’s the only way she will learn to do it on her own. I do give her chances to do things herself and then when I look over things, she has done them wrong or she hasn’t made a dent in the pile of homework on the table.
I’m really struggling over how much I should help her and how to keep a cool head when homework is taking 3 or more hours. Maybe you have some advise for me or can direct me to some of your earlier blogs for guidance.
TZMom says
You are an inspiration to so many of us momma’s as I can see in the above comments. Since I found your blog a few weeks ago, I have started trying to make changes. Now, I just need to purchase your book and really dive in. I even told my 12 year old daughter what I’m trying to do. I want my children to remember a happy loving mom, not one who rides them all the time for everything mistake that they make. Thank you for encouraging us all!
Momof2 says
As one who struggles daily with my perfectionism this was so encouraging… Literally have tears in my eyes. Can’t wait for your book to arrive so I can read more! Thank you.
Lloyd Neale says
Like all of the others who have responded to this heartwarming message I join them in expressing a huge thanks to you for continuing to make us think about what’s most important in our journey while here on earth. May 2014 bring abundant joy and happiness to your family and you. I will always look forward to receiving your emails inspiring words written from the heart!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, dear Lloyd. I know it’s going to be a good day when there is a comment from you, friend.
Andy Smithson says
Rachel, I love this post and I think one of my favorite parts of your book is toward the end when you tell us that when you started your “Hands Free Journey” you were intending for it to be a one year sprint but you found that it is a never ending journey that you have to continually come back to and revisit the beauty of what matters most. I think this is the most wonderful thing! Its not just a one time deal. Thank goodness! There is too much to enjoy to let it fall by the way side. Thanks again and always for your wonderful words.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Andy! I love your hearing your perspective! I am so excited that you are giving away 3 autographed copies of my book on your blog! I will be sharing the news tomorrow. Thank you for your incredible support!
Arista says
Hi Rachel, i just found your blog a few days ago. You are a wonderful mom and a beautiful soul. I have only read a few of your posts but I’m so inspired by you. Being a mom to 2 boys, I’ve so much of guilt for the past mistakes I’ve made in the journey of bringing up them. Reading this post makes me cry, I know I have to start somewhere to be forgiven and to forgive myself. Rachel you have encouraged me with all your true and encouraging words. Thank you!
~your new follower from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia~
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Welcome, Arista! I am so happy you are here. What kind and uplifting words you have offered me. Thank you for letting me know how far the Hands Free message is reaching! My heart is full!
Megan says
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and it’s amazing. Thank you so much for your openness. It has made me rethink a lot of the things I do.
I have a question for you. I’m wondering if you have any tips for getting ready and out the door in the morning. I’ve been struggling with this for a long time, and it seems no matter what I do we are still late for school. I’ve tried getting up earlier, having set time limits, etc. I try really hard not to hurry my kids, but I honestly don’t know what else to do to be able to leave on time. If I let them do what they want, they would sit around and play all day.
Do you have any suggestions? Thanks for anything you can provide.
Bridget says
I have struggled with the yelling and being a perfectionist. I have a 7-year-old daughter, and a 6-year-old son. My son has Autism/ADHD, and my daughter is darn-near an angel on earth. Who do you think gets the brunt of the yelling? My son. But he, quite literally, could not care less. He’s unphased. Who gets the brunt of my obsessive perfectionist behavior? The angel. It’s as if, since I can’t control him, I’m going to take all my frustration out on her and make her perfect. The kicker? She absolutely adores me. And her brother. There isn’t a spiteful, angry or resentful bone in her body.
The good news is, my husband and I became Christians about a year and a half ago. Since then, things have changed dramatically in our lives. Last year, our ladies’ ministry did the Unglued bible study, and that truly helped me to realize my issue. For my short-term goal, I resolved that I would not send my kids to school, or to bed, in tears any more. The easiest way to nip that cycle was to pray every morning on the way to school. It never fails to set a good tone for the day. Same thing at night. Prayers help send everyone to sleep in the right frame of mind.
Most recently, this blog has been a great resource for me because I find myself distracted and snappy towards the kids when I’m on the computer or on my phone. Many times I have a legitimate task which needs to be completed, but just as often, it’s not something that MUST be done. And the kids don’t know the difference, but I sure do. I’m striving for significantly more “hands free” time, trying to get the high-priority stuff done while they’re at school.
Thanks so much for your inspiration, for sharing your difficult memories, and for all the helpful advice.
Steph @ From the Burbs to the Boonies says
My son has ADHD/anxiety and I have to pray every day before I pick him up too. Prayer helps so much. Parenting has challenges anyway, but throw in something unusual or difficult in the mix and it can be even harder
kara says
I have you tell you: I have recently read a few blog posts (must admit I’m a newbie), and I’m telling you it’s like you are in my living room. Or have been in my living room for 10 years. It’s NUTS. I have recently (like in the past week) made some small changes, and I can see a DIFFERENCE. It’s a long road out of the place I’ve been, and a lot of work to do to for my 3 awesome kids who deserve a PRESENT mom (98% of the time, I do give myself some leeway). Bring on the book! I don’t read…seriously, never read – only on airplanes and vacation. And I can’t wait to read! I vow to curl up with the kids during homework time, instead of busying myself with something worthless (or folding laundry) and READ. I can’t wait. God bless you!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
This makes me so happy. Thank you, thank you.
Cassandra says
Good sweet merciful heavens… you don’t even KNOW. You just don’t even know how appropriate this is to the storm that’s been going on in my life this past week. I’ve been reading through old journals and finding myself despising the old me for one reason or another… and I’ve been looking in the mirror and drowning in a mixture of despair, frustration, and resentment at the weight I’ve put on from medical conditions that I’m unable to do anything about at this point.
The little voice whispers to me, “Love yourself. Love who you are, love who you WERE… and accept the love of others around you.”
Your conclusion spoke volumes to me: “Who you are now is more important than who you were then.
Just think of the gift you’ll be giving those who are learning how to live by watching you live—not perfectly, but with small, positive steps and daily doses of grace.”
How I live is more important than how I look. How I used to think and act and talk can be forgiven. I know that I was doing my very best every day, even if it was a little misguided. I know my situation is different than the one you experienced, as I don’t have apologies to make to anyone but myself for the abuse I’ve heaped on myself, but I think the lesson still stands. And I still love, love, love that last sentence. Love it.
joanne says
Hi Rachel,
I love reading your posts. I am living in Australia, and have already ordered your book from Amazon. Looking forward to receiving it in the next couple of weeks. Cheers!
Julie Burton says
I think you just provided me with my new mantra for 2014:
“Whether it’s been five minutes, five months, or five years,
it’s not too late to speak words of remorse,
it’s not too late to offer forgiveness to yourself or those you love,
it’s not too late to be the person you always wanted to be.”
This is so true and powerful and speaks to exactly what I am working on within myself and with my children right now.
Thank you so much!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
This really makes me feel good, Julie. I am so glad those particular words resonated with you. It took me a couple years to believe those words and live those words, but now that I do, I want to share them with everyone I can. I wish you continued progress on your journey, dear one.
Pam says
Hi Rachel,
Just wanted to let you know that I love the book and I hope you come to South Florida on your book signing tour so we can meet. xoxoxo
Jean says
I so appreciate your honesty and your stories. On Monday, I yelled at my teenager saying “I don’t give a ___! And I’m not going to drive you anyplace all week.” This after 24 years of parenting, working at being present and kind and clear! I felt so horrible. And then I apologized. I am sorting through 20 years of homeschooling books and supplies to make a little apartment on our third floor for my 22 year old and it’s bringing up so many emotions! I was honest with them about how hard this is for me. Yesterday, they all brought me flowers and chocolate! Love your blog and congrats on your book. This is important work!
Kim says
We made pretzels Monday night that will forever change the way I live. They will always be a reminder of what I’ve lost, what I’ve admitted, what I’ve learned and what I vow to make better….for me, for my husband and for my daughters. I now longer want to live regretting every second of the last six years. And I no longer want to beat myself up for it every day.
Rachel, you have been my angel on the couple of occasions that a friend has shared blogs from your site on Facebook. Funny how those sometimes come at the “right” time and smack you in your face and say, “Listen to this. It’s about you and you need it!” The “quiet Angels” that come into your life are not always aware of the great impact they have had. It’s unfortunate that they do not understand how important they have been and I will never miss the opportunity again to make certain they know!
I have been lost for six years. I have a beautiful life, husband and two daughters ages eight and ten. I have lost who I am. I have lost sight of what I want my marriage to be and I have lost sight of the kind of mother I want to be for our children. I am a perfectionist who has covered the imperfect up in my world so nobody sees that part. They see me put together. They see the Room Parent and co-chair for events at school. They see me cook for parents of newborns in the neighborhood and for those suffering a death in their family or ones who are caring for a sick child. I do it quietly and not for fanfare because I don’t want to draw attention to myself for anyone to examine too closely and see that things might not be perfect in my life. I have been extremely hard and critical of myself, my husband and daughters when I don’t feel that perfection has been achieved, which is much of the time. My daughter’s hair doesn’t look nice enough to leave the house. My husband didn’t see that the dishes in the sink needed to be put in the dishwasher. My daughter didn’t put the washing machine on the correct cycle while she was only trying to help me. I didn’t scrub the sinks or do a good enough job of cleaning the floors before leaving the house for vacation. There is barely a moment I can recall when I have been in a social setting that I haven’t been completely consumed with thoughts of what my body looks like in the clothes I am wearing. Am I slim enough?? And there are those countless events that I have not attended because I don’t feel perfect enough to be around others. My husband goes without me.
“I don’t have time for this.” “I can’t waste my time doing this.” The words I utter to my girls on a consistent basis. Funny…I’m not sure why I don’t have the time or can’t waste it because I don’t really know what I’ve spent my time doing. Oh, there are the normal household chores and running the kids to every practice and class and all the events and preparations at school and errands that every mom drives everywhere for. I still feel like I’ve been running in circles ever since moving into a new neighborhood and state five and a half years ago, one that has been extremely difficult for me to feel like I fit into. I am no longer the career woman. I am no longer operating my business that I had a drive and passion for. I have been saying for 4 years that I would re-launch it and have not given it the focus it should have received.
I have strangely felt like I have not been a participant in my life for quite some time. I’ve been present at the soccer and basketball games, the dance recitals and art shows, the parties at school and swim meets. But I don’t feel as though I have experienced them.
My oldest daughter had a very unfortunate second grade year two years ago. She was the victim of bullying and we were unaware how serious it had been until April of that school year. I felt as though I had failed my daughter for not exploring this matter sooner and that I had not provided her with the skills to better handle it. The year had been plagued with stomach issues and headaches and numerous visits to a gastro doctor to determine any medical issues. I believe now that much of it was brought on by the stress of the bullying and I feel like I wasn’t there for her the way I should have been. Two years later we are now facing anxiety attacks that have escalated to the point of seeking medical counseling. I feel like a failure. I feel like crawling into a hole each time I have witnessed the severity of a panic attack. I feel like every negative word, harsh criticism and scream I have verbalized has sent this perfect Angel spiraling downward to this dark, unsafe, scary hell that she must be living in. She worries about everything and is concerned about being perfect and I just want to scream out loud, “Please, please don’t be like me!” It will rob you of your life and you will feel like it’s too late. But baking pretzels Monday night taught me that it’s never too late. It’s never too late to fix what is most important in our life.
I had promised we would bake them. The warm, soft, doughy kind of pretzels that carnivals are made of! My girls couldn’t wait. There was homework to finish though. And the dinner dishes to clean up. And then the instructions said that the dough had to rest for 30 minutes! What????? I didn’t have 10 minutes! We still had to wash up for bedtime and do our reading. I decided to get our reading done while the dough rested and then we began. It was fun but messy. It was difficult to work with while the shapes kept “stretching” and weren’t forming the way the girls wanted. My 8 year old kept wiping her sticky, dough-filled fingers through her clean hair and she talked about wanting to shower to get it out. There was no time for showering, I was yelling. It was already going on 9 and we still had to bake them. Upon removing the pan from the oven I realized I should have followed the instructions for spraying it. I thought I knew better since they were non-stick. Every single piece was stuck to the bottom and I struggled to salvage the girls’ hard work. I was so disappointed and couldn’t wait to get the kids to bed. As my 10 year old begged to read on her tablet or go through magazines to cut out shapes to paint on her fingernails, I snapped. I screamed about what time it was and how she should be appreciative of what I had allowed them to do and she sobbed and yelled back, “See?? This is what I mean! You always yell at me for nothing.” She rolled onto her side and yanked the covers over her. I stormed out of the room and slammed the door.
My 8 year old had remained steadfast in her demand for a shower and I continued to dig my feet in about the time and that the doughy streaks in her hair were already dried and she could shower in the morning. She wasn’t having that and I had decided I wasn’t having any more of her seemingly irrational demands. As I ripped her from her bed, almost throwing her into the wall, I dragged her by the arm into the bathroom. I flung open the shower curtain, bar crashing to the floor and I threw it into the corner. As my daughter slumped over the edge of the tub I washed her hair, sobbing softly, as I do often…everyone in my life unaware. This beautiful child who gives me a hard time whenever I want her hair combed or twisted pretty or braided was begging me to wash the pretzel dough out of it so that she could go to bed clean. I was furious because it was 10:30 and upset that it had taken so long to complete the cooking that I had promised my children I would do with them. It took me 5 minutes to wash it. And then my beautiful, perfect daughter stood there while I combed through the conditioner and said so appreciatively, “Thank you Mommy!”
I tucked her into bed and ran to my room and bawled in the corner for 10 minutes. It was then that my oldest called for me to come into her room. This innocent child that I had been frustrated with for wanting to cut something out of a magazine at a late hour simply wanted to let me know that I hadn’t said prayers with her!
So my “bottom” has come over baking pretzels. It’s truly a low that has been 6 years in the making and one that I have been aware of nearly every minute of every day during that time. I have continued to beat myself up for not being the mother I have always wanted to be. For the last 3 years I feel as though I have been running around in circles and running out of time. The voice in my head always reminds me that our oldest is more than half way to being out of our house. I told my husband Monday night while crying, that I look back on my parenting thus far with regrets. He replied how unfortunate that is. I think it was truly the first time he has seen me so distraught over the girls and, in an odd way, it felt good. It felt good to finally let him in on what I was going through and it was an honest admission to myself that things need to change. I have been embarrassed to have a heartfelt discussion with this man who is an overachiever, wonderful, loving and involved father and someone who might see me as “broken” or not the mother he thought his wife would be. Of course he has seen me unravel and spiral more vividly than anyone in my life and he has been unable to step in and make it better for me. I haven’t made him feel I was open to it either.
Yesterday, following my “pretzel-revelation,” I went about my day filled with both joy and sadness. An overwhelming sadness over what I have missed and not experienced. But a joy like no other for what is to come and what I desire to now give my family…Me. What mommy used to be when the girls were very tiny and every day was filled with wonder and small miracles. In the evening I participated in a living-room demonstration of Taekwondo with my 8 year old. She was so very excited to practice her positions for earning her belt and my 10 year old was so proud to share her new dance routine. I love watching them practice and giggle and play. And I miss not being a part of all of it.
As I drove my oldest to dance class last night I observed the most glorious looking moon and bright star in the sky. When I turned on the radio the song “Angel” was playing….coincidence? I don’t really think so!
Rachel, thank you so much for being the Angel that I and so many have needed and for this amazing community that you have built. I empathize with all those who are going through what you have and I recognize so much of me in these painful stories. My thoughts are with everyone who has decided on a happier, slower, more loving life for their families. I am reminded so often of the song and phrase “Some Days are Diamonds.” My mother had said it after I recalled a particularly wonderful day I had with the girls many years ago. I looked up the lyrics to this John Denver song this morning and how poignant the words are…”the face that I see in the mirror, more and more is a stranger to me.” Some days are definitely not Diamonds but I believe that there are moments to be cherished in every one of them.
I hope all in this community “find the diamonds in their days” and take the time to uncover the quiet Angels who will guide them through each one.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggles, your hope, & your newfound commitment, Kim. I am so touched and so hopeful by your words. Please keep me posted. I see light ahead. xo
Marina says
Just wanted to say beautiful post, and I started reading your book (which I was excited to pre-order) last night! I would love to somehow implement it at my church as a small group session. Also, my husband is going to read one chapter a month with me! Thank you for your inspired words.
Danielle says
Just bought your book today!
Caroline McGraw says
Love this, Rachel … and if it helps, I am laughably bad at remembering when I’ve put food in the oven. I get immersed in writing, & the next thing you know, I’m eating burnt squash with supper! So thank you for this reminder that we all make mistakes and need grace. See you tomorrow! !!!!!!
Jan says
I would like your permission to use part of your blog to send to my now-grown children when I apologize to them. It has taken me MANY years to ‘grow up’ & they paid the price. I am a much different person, and mother (& wife) than I once was & I know they are fully aware of the difference, but we don’t talk about it much. I just want them to know that I am aware of that change in all of us & that I will continue to be the Mom I am today…..maybe even better, due in no small part to you & your generous sharing of your everyday life. Blessings to you & your family!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Yes, Jan. You may have my permission. I am honored for my word to be used in this way. Thank you for sharing this beautiful action you are taking.
Larry says
You have some wise children. Your younger daughter gives good advice and your older daughter is learning from your changed ways. Nice.
Love that last repeated sentence – Who you are now is more important than who you were then.
Stop beating ourselves up is the message. Loud and clear.
Honey Rio says
This is just what I needed, Ms. Rachel.
For so long I have been struggling to be perfect. My husband and close friends can attest to that. Whenever they say that I am such a perfectionist, I feel proud and not embarrassed at all. I wanted to be perfect. I needed to be. I felt that living less than perfect was not an option. I’ve always thought that everything that is worth doing is worth doing perfectly.
But this perfection took a toll on me. I was always yelling. I was always angry. I knew I had to change. I made attempts, but I always reverted back to who I was, to what I did. However, my son Enzo who just turned 4, was the mirror I couldn’t run from. One day, while we played school, I asked him to color with me. He used to like coloring. That day he said, “Mama, I can’t. I can’t do it.” I wondered why. So I asked him. He said it was just too hard. I was about to raise my voice (yes, I do that a lot) and give him a sermon on why coloring is NOT difficult at all, until he added, “Because I can’t do it right.” That almost broke my heart. And so my journey to let loose a bit started. I still yell. I feel guilty most of the time of what I did, or sometimes still do. I find myself sitting down in the middle of a chore, feeling completely immobilized by the memories of how mean a mom I was.
Your words – who you are now matters more – just sparked a light in me, and I feel free. Free from the guilt. Free from the old me. Thank you for your inspiring words. I look forward to your new posts.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for letting me know, Honey. This means so much!
Cassie says
I’m not a mother (yet) but have still been inspired by your posts. They constantly remind me of who I want to be for my future children.
Shannon says
I don’t know where to begin. I didn’t know that someone’s words could exactly match what I have been dealing with for longer than I can remember. I don’t remember why or how I became a control-freak perfectionist but I think it goes back a long time.
I have always been the one offering advice and insight to friends because I always “had my shit together” but on the inside was so much anxiety and imperfection that it was tearing me up.
I am learning to let things go, to be more accepting of imperfection, and to just enjoy my life. I have been like a drill sargeant to my kids and husband and I don’t want to be that way anymore. I want to learn to relax, learn how to be silly, and learn that it is ok to just ‘be’.
Thank you for having the female version of balls to share your story. I now realize I am not alone in my struggles and hopes to let go of the control and the perfection.
Laura says
I started a journey last year that sounds so much like yours. I am so glad to have found your blog, it is helping me so very very much. It’s not easy changing ourselves, but to see the changes it is bringing in my youngest daughter makes it so worth it. I wish I would done this years ago so that my oldest daughter would have had the benefit, but she gets it some now as an adult and I just have to be okay with that and forgive myself. My children are 18 years apart, yes 18. I have a very close relationship with both of my girls and I’m so thankful. Love each day. Love yourself.