She’d asked me to get in the bathroom stall with her while she put on the swim team suit that she’d been given to wear to the meet. I hesitated. The stall was exceptionally small and the air conditioning in the building was not working. But there was a pleading in my child’s eyes that seemed hauntingly familiar so I accompanied her.
She immediately asked me to turn away. I crammed myself into the corner. The bathroom door hinge was two inches from my nose. I was already sweating and I was not the one wrestling with a fierce duo of nylon and spandex.
I had a bad feeling about this.
Behind me there was grunting, wiggling, pulling, stretching. There was a tremendous amount of exhausting effort going on back there. I could feel the frustration radiating from my child through the back of my shirt. Or maybe it was sweat.
“Everything okay?” I asked with a cringe.
“I.Can’t.Get.It.On!” my child burst out.
“Would you like me to help?” I asked hopefully. “I’d be happy to help,” I repeated desperately hoping to improve the situation.
After a few more grunts and sighs, my child accepted my offer.
“But close your eyes, Mama,” she instructed.
I couldn’t see anything, but I knew that standing before me was a defeated spirit. This child who has mentioned feeling different than the rest was feeling even more uncertain, even more uncomfortable, even more awkward. “Can we just go home?” she pleaded. “I don’t want to swim,” she said sadly.
“We aren’t going to let this silly bathing suit stop you from doing what you love to do,” I stated. “You have something to contribute that no one else can,” I argued. “Don’t worry, we’ll get it on.”
For three agonizing and perspiring minutes I used every ounce of strength in my body to get that suit on. And once she was in it, she wiped away her tears. “Thank you, Mama,” she said quietly. “I’m ready now.”
But there was doubt.
When something doesn’t fit—literally or figuratively,
When you’re not comfortable in your skin,
When it feels like a struggle just to show up,
That little voice inside you can be pretty darn cruel.
I knew. Oh how I knew.
Suddenly I was back in my first apartment, newly married, getting ready for an evening out. My husband and I were going to his boss’ house for a dinner party. It was in an upscale part of town and my husband had recently started with this new company. I knew he wanted to make a good impression—and I did too.
But it was going to be a struggle.
On the floor in front of the mirror was every item of clothing I owned. My husband waited patiently while I changed 107 times and now we were going to be late. He peeked in timidly to tell me we really needed to leave in five minutes.
I felt like cursing. I felt like screaming. I desperately wanted to stay home. I wanted to hide. I hated how I looked.
“Nothing looks good,” I managed to say without blowing up. When he tried to console, I snapped. “You don’t understand!”
I felt very alone in my self-hatred that happened when I stood in front of the mirror. When things didn’t fit. When I thought I looked bloated and unattractive. When I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. All the successful areas of my life and all the positive attributes I possessed meant nothing. They totally disappeared when I stood in front of that mirror picking myself apart.
I clearly remember settling on a long, chocolate brown jacket with dark leggings and tall boots. Every inch of my body was covered. I was hidden. Now I could go to the party, but I would never forget the helplessness I felt and the amount of distaste I had for myself in that moment.
It scared me.
In the past sixteen years that have passed since that moment, I’ve quieted that cruel voice, my internal critic, my inner bully—but sometimes, in moments of fear and uncertainity, it surfaces again. And it alarms me how quickly I can dismiss all the things that I am and all the important roles I play when I judge myself in front of that mirror.
I remember going to that dinner party with my husband and laughing with his colleagues the whole night. They were so funny and so welcoming. They thought I was funny too. At one point my husband leaned over and said, “They love you, Rach, just like I knew they would!” I remember having a wonderful conversation with a lovely colleague of my husband’s named Bonnie. We connected on many levels—she was real and honest and open. I was so thankful I’d left the house despite my urge to withdraw from the world.
Later that night I acknowledged that the cruel voice inside me was wrong—completely wrong. I acknowledged that showing up swollen, bloated, make-up less, disheveled, and out of style was better than not showing up at all. I acknowledged that being here on this earth—not quite looking like I want—was better than not being on this earth at all.
I could write a book about how I overcame that critical inner voice over a span of sixteen years and maybe someday I will. But not today. Today I am just going to offer an alternative to the voice of negativity. I call it A Reality Check for the Inner Critic. This technique was truly where it started for me. I began talking back to my inner critic. I called it out on its ridiculous lies. I refused to let it stop me from doing what I loved: living. I refused to let it hole me up at home when I could be outside laughing and connecting with others. My hope is that someone out there can benefit from hearing what it sounds like to drown out the inner bully with words of truth.
A Reality Check for the Inner Critic
I wish I was beautiful.
Maybe you are.
I wish I was smart.
Who’s to say that you’re not?
I wish I was brave.
Perhaps it’s there, just waiting to be seen.
I wish I could start over.
Why not today?
I wish I could do a better job at this.
Maybe this is your do-over moment.
I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe that first glimmer will come when you least expect it.
I wish I could love myself.
Maybe it’s time.
Maybe it’s time to unload the heavy, hurtful words and preconceived notions you’ve carried around for too long.
Perhaps enough is enough.
Who says you aren’t worthy of love, acceptance, and peace?
Maybe someone does.
But don’t let it be you.
You are more than one opinion, one ill-fitting pair of jeans, or one Saturday night mistake.
You are more than you give yourself credit for.
Instead of going farther down the damaging path of “I am not” consider lifting yourself up with “I am.”
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am brave.
I can start over.
I am doing the best I can.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can love myself.
I am more than one opinion, one ill-fitting pair of jeans, or one Saturday night mistake.
I am more than I give myself credit for.
I am more than I am not.
After my daughter triumphed over the swimsuit that refused to budge, she competed in several events that day. My non-competitive, laid back, easy going little Firefly shocked me on our way out to the car.
“That was the best meet of my life!” she said triumphantly. “I sure am glad I didn’t go home.”
There had not been any first place finishes or record-breaking times for this child but she was happy, oh so happy, and I knew exactly why. She’d conquered the voice of the inner critic to feel beautiful, capable, and strong in her own skin regardless of how the bathing suit fit.
And that was in deed something to celebrate.
*********************************
Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, tell us about your inner critic. Does it cause you to shy away from living, loving, speaking out, laughing, and connecting? Do you have any techniques or mantras you use to silence it? Please share your struggles and triumphs. Thank goodness, we are not alone on this journey.
Recommended Resources:
1) “I use mindfulness to help with that stress reduction. So, it helps young girls find a happy place inside of them that is not attached to an external source,” said psychotherapist Kerry Foreman, founder of Grounded Girls. Grounded Girls is a national group formed by you in your local area, but it is guided by Kerry via Skype to help tween girls learn valuable lessons about navigating life and cultivating inner happiness and peace. Kerry writes: “Is your daughter struggling with drama, stress, insecurities or just finding a happy place inside of herself? Is your daughter not dealing with this yet, but you want to ensure she is equipped with the best coping skills possible when it comes? Consider GROUNDED GIRLS. I am currently scheduling groups for summer 2016, no matter where you live. I will Skype in for the lessons and the program is turnkey!” For more information, watch this video, visit this link, or message Kerry Foreman at groundedminds@gmail.com. Grounded Girls was recently featured on a Colorado news station. Their latest mission was truly inspiring!
2) A Mighty Girl provides valuable information on books, toys, music, and movies that empower and celebrate girls. On their uplifting Facebook page, they shared the following information: “For a great parenting book about fostering positive body image that addresses the issue of moms' grappling with their own body image issues, check out “You’d Be So Pretty If…: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies — Even When We Don’t Love Our Own.” For more recommended books for parents on body image issues, visit their “Body Image & Self-Esteem” parenting section. Mighty Girl also reviewed books designed to help girls navigate issues related to puberty, including normal changes in weight and body shape, in their post on “Talking with Tweens and Teens about their Bodies.”
3) Dr. Jessica Michaelson helps women cultivate a positive body image, self-care, and confidence. She also works with individuals and couples who want to:
-Enjoy their lives now, not later
-Find freedom from unhealthy habits
-Trust and take care of their bodies again
-Reconnect with their partner & their sexuality
-Stop being ruled by stress, overwhelm, and worry
-Navigate parent-child struggles with clarity and connection
Here is one of her recent articles on self-compassion I found enlightening – Be Nicer to Your Mean Parts
* Check out the beautiful “i choose love” or “only love today” wrist wraps in spring and summer colors if you (or someone you love) needs a wearable reminder to drown out the voice of the inner critic & choose love.
Oh how I relate! Once again, thank you.
I had several terrible swim team flashbacks that involved that nasty voice. I struggled with one just recently. I am grateful for your ideas. It’s hard to not listen to that voice after so many years.
thank you. I needed to hear exactly these thoughts in exactly these words TODAY. You have changed my day.
Beautiful, inspiring post! I love the picture too. You can feel her triumph.
I just started coaching w Girls on the Run. The coaching involves running but w a posit self talk and other life skills component. This reminds me of the program content. Wish we had this as kids to help guide us along the way!! http://www.girlsontherun.org
Oh Rachel, oooh you speak right to my heart! I have been in the same process of seeing the positive in me. I entertained the inner critique for a long time and in the process hindered myself from a lot that I could have achieved if only I had spoken some positive things about myself to myself. I stayed for a long time without working because of believing I didn’t have the qualifications to find a job. I have always expected to be rejected because of believing that I lack in some attractiveness or vigour that other women have. I have always had a hard time making friends and wondering why I cannot connect like other people. I could change a hundred times, get frustrated and just feel like not leaving the house. One time I cried to God to change my life and believed He had a plan for me. I started getting jobs and through colleagues realising my potential, I was able to start realising that I have unique qualities after all. Right now am doing well, have a good job and a good family. At one time I believed am a loser and I am bound to loose anything that comes my way(even I lived with the fear of losing my marriage). I believed I was never meant to be happy and surely I attracted a lot of unhappiness. But now my life has changed. I have been able to notice my beauty, realising my potential has propelled me and enabled me to succeed in my work. I have vowed to never let go of what I have and my faith in God has also prayed a very big role in making me who I am today. Now I am able to dispute any negative voice and I know I am going far! Rachel, it is not the first time to say you are a God send. But what else can I say when I feel like you know me completely? You touch on all issues that I have been through. Am not leaving this site any time soon. Am always looking forward to the next post! God bless you Rachel!
Thank you so much for your words – needed to hear them today and everyday! I need to remember to give myself more credit than I do!
I had one of these moments just last night! I have a new middle schooler who is drowning under the homework load. We have been trying new ideas for staying organized, working on balancing the load with play and family time, and trying desperately to figure out how to keep her head above water. Just when we start to make some progress, we have a minor setback which happened last night. So, after we finished a forgotten assignment and had lovingly put her to bed, so much later than she should have been…I completely fell apart in tears and so much frustration at myself that I failing to get this figured out. Reading your post this morning helped me realize that did and am doing so many things right, but I let that bully in my head convince me otherwise. Thank you for this post!!!
Thank you, Jennifer, I know someone is reading today and nodding his or head in understanding. Thank you for sharing your story.
There are days when everything seems hopeless, when the inner critic drowns out all other voices. And then there are other times where it feels as though life is unfolding just as it should. Quite often, the message in your posts fall into the latter category. This language here – “I acknowledged that being here on this earth …was better than not being on this earth at all” – speaks to my struggle as of late. I have had to hit the reset button in a major way. I am printing your list of I Am statements and will tape it to my bathroom mirror. Thank you for helping me see that I am not alone in this struggle and, though I have felt like I have disappointed everyone in my life by doing so, it is ok to start over.
I am so glad you are here, Tina. Thank you for sharing where you are. So many of us can relate. I celebrate your brave, powerful, determined message and heart today.
I hope your sweet daughter got to celebrate her growth by getting a new swimsuit! 🙂
Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Carla. You can bet on it.
Beautiful post. It invoked such a strong memory in me, I just had to share.
When I was 20, I had an experience that parallels both your daughter’s frustration and your own anxiety about your husband’s work party. At that time, I hated my calves (which had been made fun of repeatedly in middle school) and refused to show them. All my “dress up” clothes (a term I’ll use loosely as they were all club clothes) were short skirts that I wore with calf-covering tall platform boots (think Spice Girls…it was the late 90’s).
I was invited to my boyfriend’s formal work event at the prestigious Royal York Hotel. His company had even provided a hotel room for employees. Given we were both still living with our parents, this was to be a major night out.
I planned to wear the only pair of formal boots I owned, black leather ones that my boyfriend had bought me for christmas. At that point in my life, I was seldom invited to fancy places, nor had I ever owned $200+ footwear (quite expensive by 90’s standards). I had been looking forward to this night for weeks.
Feeling great about myself with hair, makeup and outfit on point, I went to pop on my boots at the door and was horrified to discover they wouldn’t zip up over one leg. Somehow, between when I’d first tried them on and this critical moment, they my calf was just that little bit bigger, taking the boots from super tight to unwearable.
For almost two hours, I was the picture of desperation as my mother, father and boyfriend struggled to corset my thick calf into this boot. They were making suggestions (and ultimately pleading with me) to go for alternative footwear, but my deep shame over my legs made any other option impossible. By the time I broke, agreeing to wear my white patent platform boots (despite their complete inappropriateness for the affair) my boyfriend refused to go to the event. He was embarrassed to show up that late.
It was an epic fashion fail I’ll never forget. Clothing reduced me to a desperate, socially-anxious woman full of self-disgust. Ironically, after losing a few pounds and no longer working at a job requiring me to stand all day (which caused chronic swelling in my legs), I now consider my legs to be one of my best features (though always in heels)!
I applaud both you and your daughter for pushing through the self doubt to go on and have a great time. On this occasion, I was unable to do that and missed out on life. It’s because I have heard so many stories like these ones that I’m now drawn to style and image consulting. Understanding our bodies and buying the right clothes to compliment/fit them is liberating and can even be life-changing.
Thank you for sharing your story. When one person shares a painful story and someone acts in kind, I call it “joining them the light of realness.” It is one of the most loving things I believe we can do for one another. Thank you for stepping into the lightness with me. It was hard to re-live that night in the apartment that I had pushed out of my mind for so long, but you (and so many supportive commenters) have confirmed why sharing these truths is healing and liberating and connecting. I did not cry writing my own story, but you made me cry on these words: “I applaud both you and your daughter for pushing through the self doubt to go on and have a great time. On this occasion, I was unable to do that and missed out on life.” Missing life. I have done that too many times and I am so thankful I don’t miss as much because of distraction, perfection, and pressure. I am grateful to you and all who walk this journey with me and lift me up when I fall.
Awwww……I am so wanting to hug that sweet little girl right now! I know I still have these “moments” I hope and pray I will handle them as beautifully as you do! Love and hugs to your family! I miss you all!
We miss you, too, Tavie! We never had these problems with the YMCA suits! Trying to focus on the blessings of unexpected learning and growing experiences!
That was beautiful. I really needed to read this. Thank-you.
I am glad I found your website recently. Your thoughts and writings are a daily inspiration and full of helpful positivity to overcome sometimes overwhelming self-imposed negativity. And this helps my whole family, especially how I talk to and treat my 10-year old daughter. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Rachel,
There are not words to thank you enough for this post. I am struggling with this so much and you have helped me see the light.
Thank you and blessings!!
I had to convince my inner critic of my worth in deciding what college program to take. My school has 2 architecture programs, one that’s pretty flexible and requires fewer credits and one that also includes math and construction and involves a 12 hour per week class called studio.
At first I picked what I thought was the easier option because I was scared. Inner critic said, what if you’re not smart enough? what if the time commitment is too much? what if you hate it? What if you fail?
All of my friends were picking the easier option so I thought I should too. I got so far as signing up for classes for the program and I didn’t like the ones that were still open. So inner critic and I had to have this conversation:
i want to do the harder program. What if you’re not smart enough? I don’t have to be smart enough right now because I will learn things.
What if the time commitment is too much? I want to be an architect no matter how much time it takes.
None of your friends are doing this program? I’ll make new friends
What if you hate it? I switch to something else
What if you fail? Yeah, but what if I don’t?
I’ve found my inner critic doubts my abilities and talents and fears failure so much it’s hard to even start to go for things I want, a hard school program, a job I don’t think I can get, a scholarship. But truth is I am smarter and more talented than I give myself credit for. I applied to the harder major and got in, I now am in my 3rd semester and I love it. I have an internship (another thing I doubted myself on) with an architecture firm and I’m so excited about becoming an architect soon. And I’m so glad I didn’t talk myself out of doing what I wanted to do. Thanks for this post, it was a great reminder that we shouldn’t talk ourselves out of what we won’t because of unfounded insecurities.
Thank you for sharing the inner dialogue that helped you drown out your inner critic so you could go after your goal. This is so powerful and so helpful to those who are reading this. I am grateful you took time to share your story and inspire us all. I celebrate you today!
Right on girl! More girls need to hear how beautiful they really are.
Thanks for the amazing post, Rachel! Too many women torture themselves just like this and it continues on, generation after generation. I am so happy you shared your story so that many many other women can raise their hand and say, “Me too , sister”. Then we can all begin to raise our hand together and say, “No more, sister”. There is always possibility for change. Thanks for bringing up this inner critic for discussion and RESOLUTION! It doesn’t have to be this way! Let’s put some resolution into your revolution!
Much love to you, sister!
Heather
Thank you. Blog entries like this have helped me take a breath, take second look or second listen to my child, and move through (not over or under) situations with more grace than we would have had, otherwise. You help me listen with my heart, and even more, you help me know what to say next! If, like me, you weren’t parented with a whole lot of compassion, it’s hard sometimes – even when you want to make things better – to know how, or to know what to say.
First time commenting, but I must say that read and re-read a lot of your posts. You are helping me be a better mom, which makes me a better person. How do you ever thank someone enough for that?
Beautiful and Healing. Thank you.
Such wonderful and inspiring words! I know I have certainly been that person standing in front of the mirror with the entire contents of my closet on the floor around me!
I think the need to hear that you are beautiful no matter what and the strength that comes from overcoming your inner critic is one that applies to all humans, regardless of gender. As the mother of an almost 13-year-old boy, I can tell you that boys are not immune from body image struggles and concerns. My son is slender, but has a bit of a tummy. This makes him so self-conscious that, as of this summer, he doesn’t want to go swimming because he doesn’t feel comfortable having other people look at his shirtless body.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Because I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life, I’ve been trying hard recently to be honest with him about my own struggles with body image and also my own thought processes in learning to accept myself just the way I am.
How is it you are in my head and my n daughter’s?
The things that help me overcome this is to share a smile with others and be kind to all. It does not matter how good we look, how much money we have, or how powerful we are. What does matter is how we make people feel. By being life giving to others, are able to receive so much more from the world around us. By being life giving to yourself, you are able to give yourself the gift of freedom. It’s taken me 43 years to understand this but I am coming to a place of inner peace.
The more you work at this, the better the world is. Thanks for your post!
Thank you, a million times over, for this post, Rachel. It’s one to look at again and again.
Thank you for this! I have a very hard time with my inner critic. I’d actually name it my “inner bully”… With me, it’s not “I wish I was…”, it’s “I’m so [insert insult].” There’s no possibility of getting better, no possibility of anything positive. I’m really hard on myself. I’ve been going to therapy for many years now, and as I get older, I’m beginning to see my problem more precisely, but I haven’t really begun to find ways to help myself concretely. One thing that stays with me though, is how one friend illustrated my problem for me (Oh what a good friend!). One day, I was hitting myself on the head (figuratively), once again, and my friend said “Stop it. You can’t talk about my friend Sara that way [that’s me]. I really love her, and I can’t tolerate that you talk about her that way.” My friend talked to me about myself as if there was a third person in the room! It sounds totally crazy, but it worked. Whenever I feel like denigrating myself or I’m insulting myself, I try to remember to be a good friend to myself. I try to be less of a bully to myself. I try to acknowledge that I am being a bully, and that it’s not helping me in any way. I doesn’t always work, and I don’t always remember to do that, but it’s one tool I have in my toolbox.
THIS POST IS LIKE A WINDOW TO MY SOUL! I have been diligently working on loving me “perfectly imperfect”. At 39, married to a wonderful man who loves me and with 3 boys, one would think I would be beyond this right. Wrong! And needless to say this past Easter, my sister-in-laws mother joined us for Easter dinner. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t wear the color I was wearing because it washed my skin out and if I wore colors more jeweled- toned it would hide my dark circles. and I shouldn’t wear palazzo pants because my hips are too wide for that. Gasp I know! I was in tears and all of a sudded this 39 year old woman felt like a child in school who is getting bullied- only this is adulthood and I didn’t ask for anyones opinion of what I was wearing . She had one too many glasses of wine and what was in her heart came flowing out about me. I would like to think I am “over-it” but it still hurts so deep. And now I have been in prayer because she will be at my parents home for Thanksgiving and I don’t want to go ! Crazy I know! She did apologize and sent me a card but it just felt so insincere. I forgive her but have so many walls up when I hear her name. I am battling my own innercritic for so long and this just felt like it confirmed all my flaws that I have fought so hard to silence! Any advice!?
Thank you. Just. Thank you. {tears of joy}
As always another wonderful post!! I know the voice you are referring to all too well. I started a job last year that completely overwhelmed me and for literally months I felt like the dumbest person in the room every day. It was so hard going into work every day and that voice is so loud when you are overwhelmed and discouraged. It has almost been a year and I am still here and happy to report I have finally gotten to the point where I can contribute and not every day feels like the first day of school…..it is nice to laugh at that voice and to prove it wrong, say I am still here and I am making my way. I have taken this experience and used it with my kids….I stop and listen when they are frustrated more, I say you know what I have been there before. I am not completely sure my 4 yr old sees it but I know my 6 yr old understands and seems to really appreciate it. When he has an outburst over Legos or doing homework we talk through it. I say you know this wasn’t always easy for me and he seems to greatly appreciate that I have been there. I don’t want that awful voice to talk so loudly in their heads and I don’t want the self-doubt to seem overwhelming….I hope by struggling through it myself I can make their journey a little easier. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have struggled with self loathing for as long as I can remember. It is so hard to change those thought patterns and attitudes. Thank you for sharing your stories and insights.
Rachel, I love your posts always! As I read I usually sit with tears and a lump in my throat because I relate, connect, and am inspired by you and the comments of other mom’s just trying to do our best at this thing called life. I concur with most of what others have already commented. I struggle with this daily. But I will add a few “Manta” type phrases I try to say to that ever so critical intrusive voice that tries to tell me lies about myself.
I know that God didn’t make any junk and that when I am mean and hurtful to HIS creation (me) that is kind of like a slap in his face so to speak. It’s like telling him he didn’t do a good enough job, or that I am dissatisfied with what, how, and who he made me to be. Not cool at all!
I also know that the best role model my daughter will ever have is me, her momma, and she watches and listens to every little thing I say and how I behave. If we can all just think about what we want our daughter’s to think and say about themselves, then hopefully it will become more automatic to speak the same of ourselves. It isn’t easy but its so worthwhile.
When we are doubting our worth, value, or purpose of being “good enough” we can remember that His Grace is enough for us, and we are MORE than enough for the roles in which we are called to fulfill!
Psalm 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Bless you ladies and thanks for your inspiration. As we each walk our own path it’s so comforting to know that we are not alone in our struggles.
I feel like the inability to love myself affects my marriage. I’m recently married, and I feel like the more I doubt my beauty, my sense of humor, my personality, etc… the more I feel like my husband doesn’t love me. He hasn’t done anything different, but I feel like I’m driving a wedge between us in my own head.
Thank you for your blog. I don’t have children -yet, but your words continue to encourage me.
Wow. Such an encouraging post Rachel! Whether we like it or not we all have that inner critic inside of us and it seems like the more we start believing the lies it tells us the louder it gets. For me the best way to shut it down is to fill my mind with God’s truth about me from His Word and not let it continue having power over me by dwelling on those thoughts that come. Thank you for sharing this. Be blessed!
Love this post! Stupid clothes not fitting is a classic trigger for me too. Sometimes I really wish appearance didn’t matter so much in our culture. How much more time we would have to think about more interesting things, and be freed up to take care of each other better?
I’ve been meaning to thank you for mentioning Heather Sayers Lehman on your blog. I saw it on your blog over a year ago, and signed up for her e-course on emotional eating. The work I have done with her has been life-changing, and it dove-tailed so nicely with my efforts to be a better, kinder mother which I took from you. Thanks to both of you ladies, I am a so much happier, patient, kinder person and mother to my three kids. As a nice side benefit, I lost 30 pounds. But I’m honestly more grateful for the peace of mind I have (instead of that inner critic I’d had for so long). Anyway, this post reminded me to tell you THANK YOU!
Thank you for this post and these important reminders. I think I hear my inner critic most regarding parenting my special needs son. For every night of his 11 years, I or my husband have had to stay with him until he falls asleep, and that sometimes can take up to an hour or longer. I sometimes get so anxious and start telling myself that this will never get better and I start pleading with him to relax and go to sleep. And the critic starts telling me I’m a terrible mom. But some nights, lately, I push the critic aside and love takes over and I get quiet and pray for this sweet little boy. I pray for God to bless him with peace, with a calm spirit and body, with the knowledge that he is safe and that he is loved — just as he is, no matter what. And when I am able to do this, when I open my eyes, he is sound asleep. Then I take a moment to watch him and I stretch out my hands to caress him with loving energy that is so strong that I fear I might wake him.
I would love for you to add me to your list of followers. I am a mother of 3 teenage daughters and right now I need to laugh, connect and be encouraged. I think your blog is amazing. Thank you for sharing your heart.
“I acknowledged that being here on this earth—not quite looking like I want—was better than not being on this earth at all.” Those words hit home! After losing a ton of weight while working with Heather Lehman, I STILL have to contend with my Inner Jerk as she puts it. It takes much time, practice and persistance. Love this article. Thank you!
When I think about the women who meant so much to me as I was growing up I must confess that each and every one of them had “flaws” – not a beauty queen in the bunch. Yet they were so lovely to me. It was their kindness and generosity of spirit that made them so special, not the wrapper that they came in.
You inspire me Rachel! xoxo
Simply beautiful – thank you Rachel! with much love and deep appreciation xxxx
I can usually – “usually” being the key word – silence my inner critic by talking out loud to myself as though I’m trying to comfort a dear friend.
Perhaps we should adopt this variation of The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you would have others treat you.
Thanks for pointing me back in the direction of what really matters. Please keep sharing yourself in this way!
How I relate to what you wrote! You describe so well the horrible feeling of looking at the mirror and not seeing what you want to see. Not seeing perfection but seeing just a set of imperfections. And it’s hard when you see this same struggle affecting the ones you love. I assisted at the same scene so many times with my beloved nephew (I wrote about her weight problem on an old post of yours), and it is so difficult to help her since I am not fully able to hel myself against that mean inner voice.
Reading your words and all the comments above is so healing, and comic even. We can be really our worst enemy!
Thank you so much for your words!
That bully often flares up for me more often in front of the mirror so I appreciate the reminder that we are more than an ill-fitting pair of jeans or whatever material our bullies may be using. It’s easy to get amnesia about such things. Cheers to serving eviction notices to our inner-bullies!
Not only are your words profound, but your writing is beautiful. I’m happy to have stumbled across your site, and I’ll share this for my own community to read. Inspiring!
Put some powder (bath powder, baby powder, etc) on her body before she puts her swim suit on. That will help the suit go on easier.
That was beautiful and brought me to tears. I have let my inner critic defeat me too many times, but I recently have been trying to silence it with a Reality Check like yours. I am grateful to add your beautiful words to my toolbox next time my inner critic surfaces. Thank you.
Oh Rachel – You’ve once again spoken directly to the very core of what I’m going through right now. I am having a rough patch at work which is causing me to doubt myself at EVERY TURN. Even things I usually do well, I am second guessing myself on – I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, why can’t I get this right? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!? I am going to print out the “I Am” mantra you have in this post and tape it up at my desk and try to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones.
I really needed this today – Thank you.
Thank you for such a well written and spot on post. I fought my inner critic for years, still do, but not so much. He goes by many names like addiction, satin, destroyer. but, all he really has are words. He’s a trickster always waiting for any small opening to turn into a wall crumbling self defeating fissure. The trouble is we’re trying to fight something created by our own minds. It’s always just a smart as us. My salvation was the moment I truly quit fighting and put my faith into the hands of my higher power.
Oh Rachel, if you only knew how much this meant to me to read today. You see, this morning my eight year old daughter was struggling to get her new cami to fit right and be comfortable.
Her little “buds” are newly forming and I can only imagine how uncomfortable in her own skin she feels but instead of lending a compassionate word and offering a hug I snapped at her. I began to rant about getting herself under control and throwing a fit won’t solve anything and on and on. I could use a few different excuses as to why… Halloween hoopla being close to the top of the list but after reading this post I clearly understand why. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I spend most of my days secretly body shaming myself and wishing I could be different, better somehow.
Although the message is not new (loved your “Only Love Today” post ) (and every other post ever written by you since we’re being honest) reading this post today struck a major cord and really resonated deep within my being. You are right!!! Today is the day to silence my inner critic so that my daughter(s) will not have to work so hard to silence theirs in the future. I will promptly be rewriting Only Love Today on our bathroom mirror with a sharpie to remind us all to love ourselves no matter what!! Thank you for your writing. It continues to give me hope and guidance on this parenting journey. This moment is the best moment to start again.
Thanks again for another wonderful post. My girls are only six, but already I fret about how to protect their self esteem and body image when I’ve never figured it out for myself. I will definitely be checking out the Mighty Girl resources!
Thank you again for a post that I needed to read. <3
This is so lovely and encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Wow, that was good! I needed that! Thank you! 🙂
I had some tell me recently they were my one advocate. I have beat myself up over that all weekend. But just reading this made me think – why do I need an advocate.? Why am I am not my own advocate? I need to let my inner voice be a positive one instead of telling myself I am not good enough all the time. Good enough mama good enough friend good enough employee