Every couple of weeks I patiently untangle the knots of strawberry-blonde hair that sit at the base of my child’s neck. As I sat on the corner of the tub the other night gently loosening an especially stubborn clump while my daughter chattered about her day, I couldn’t stop the tears.
Those wet tangles I held in my hand were tangible signs of progress—tangible proof that letting go can happen even in the most problematic hearts. My wish is that by sharing where I once was and where I am now, others will feel hope they didn’t feel in awhile. Perhaps by reading about my messy, tangles of progress, others will see their own. This is my story …
There was a time in my life when I barked orders more often than I spoke words of love … when I reacted to small everyday inconveniences as if they were major catastrophes … when normal human habits and quirks raised my blood pressure to dangerous levels.
Rather than nurturing my family members, I took it upon myself to manage my family members until there was no room to bend or breathe.
My artistic, busybody, dream-chasing older daughter’s desire to create multiple projects at once, try new recipes, and keep towering stacks of books and magazines by her bedside received disapproving looks on a daily basis.
My stop-and-smell-the-roses younger daughter’s desire to buckle stuffed animals before we departed, accessorize every part of her body before walking out the door, and move at a snail’s pace drew exasperated breaths and annoyed frowns.
My fun-loving, laidback husband’s spontaneous approach to weekend plans and ability to totally chill out got the silent treatment more times that I could count.
The people I was supposed to love unconditionally possessed qualities that irritated, annoyed, and continually derailed my carefully planned agenda—an agenda that was all about efficiency, perfection, and control.
I was not acting as a mother or a wife or even a decent human being. I was acting as a surly manager who was intent on creating a toxic environment—a place where it was pretty hard to show up each and every day.
How do I know?
Because even I could barely stand myself. The impatient person I’d become woke up angry and irritated as I braced myself for another day of managing the unmanageable. Forget about living. Forget about smiling. Forget about counting the blessings. The Grumpy Manager didn’t do that. And everyone in the home began following suit.
Hair brushing was a point of contention. Each morning my older daughter obediently allowed me to brush hastily as I pretended not to see her wincing. We were in a rush after all. I hated to be late.
When it was my younger daughter’s turn she would always ask if she could brush her own hair today. My response alternated between, “We don’t have time today,” and “When you get a little bigger.”
On this particular morning my then four-year-old child did not ask if she could brush her own hair. I was relieved. I could get this hair into a ponytail, prod her to get her shoes on quickly, and be out the door in less than two minutes I calculated—because managers always calculate.
As I aggressively gathered Avery’s unruly curls into my palm, I happened to get a glance at my reflection. My brows were knotted together tightly. My mouth set was in a hard, thin line. I looked haggard, hopeless, and sad. I would have dismissed this disturbing sight had it not been for the fact that my child was staring at my reflection too.
If expressions could talk, my child’s face would have said this loud and clear: Who are you? Where did my mama go?
I felt my face grow hot. I felt tears wanting to come forth, but I blinked them back—because managers know there’s no time for tears.
But instead of continuing to brush with vigor, I suddenly stopped. With trembling hands, I held out the hairbrush to my child.
“How would you do it?” I asked quietly.
At first she looked shocked, as if I was offering her a hairy tarantula. But as I continued to hold out the brush, Avery eventually picked it up.
With small but agile hands, she stroked the sides of her hair from top to bottom until the hair was silky smooth. While lost in her joyful task, I think she forgot I was there. After a few minutes, she carefully brought the hair forward to drape softly over her shoulders. Then she smiled proudly at her reflection. The manager in me noticed she did not brush the back of her head, but I remained quiet.
My child met my eyes in the mirror. “Thank you, Mama. I always wanted to do that.”
I prayed I would do something, anything with those significant words that were gifted to me.
For the next several weeks, we finished up breakfast a few minutes earlier so Avery could brush her own hair, and I could watch … and learn.
“Want me to show you how I do it?” my child said each morning as I held out the brush.
I never got tired of seeing the pure joy Avery received from doing it herself, her way, the back of the head optional.
“Take your time,” I forced myself to say every morning until it felt like English coming from my lips rather than a foreign language.
Whenever I said those particular words, there was a noticeable reaction. Unlike any other words, these three words were especially meaningful to my child. The way her shoulders lifted and her smile widened, I deemed them Soul-Building Words for this girl. I acknowledged that I would’ve never known the power of these words for Avery had I not stepped aside and surrendered control. I was motivated to take this powerful realization and apply it to other relationships. In what other ways could I make Hairbrush Offerings as a means of connecting with and lifting up others? It didn’t take long to see there were many opportunities to open my hands and ask: How would you do it?
The way my husband took care of the children … tidied his area of the bedroom … chose outfits for going out … put away the groceries … and paid the bills were not wrong—just different than the way I did them.
The way my older daughter packed her swim bag … emptied her swim bag … saved money … selected gifts … completed projects … did homework … and baked cookies were not wrong—just different than the way I did them.
The way the chatty clerk bagged my groceries … the way my colleague took ten extra steps to accomplish a task … the way my sister sipped coffee and read the paper before starting our day together were not wrong—just different than the way I did them.
How would you do it? I commonly asked these five words of surrender when the control freak inside me began to get agitated. As I watched the people in my life do it their way … in their own time … with their own flair, I saw sparks of joy I didn’t see before. And just like with Avery and the hairbrush, I learned each person had specific Soul-Building Words that fueled that spark.
Over time, the manager nameplate peeled off my shirt, and I strived to be less of a dictator and more of a guiding, supportive, loving presence. I went to bed feeling lighter, freer, and happier knowing I did not have to be in control all the time. I woke up with the peaceful awareness that there were many ways to live, create, and accomplish tasks—and sometimes the other ways were better than my ways.
Avery is now eight years old and quite the hairstylist. Not only does she do neat stuff with her own hair, but she can also make mine look great. Avery still doesn’t pay too much attention to the back of her hair. This results in her handing me the comb and a bottle of conditioner and we share a little time together as the steam rises from the tub.
I relish the fact that even when presented with the messiest tangles, the ones that look like they might have to be cut away, there is hope … there is growth … there are new beginnings if I loosen my grip a little and keep on trying.
I leave with you with what I’ve learned through the blessing of the tangles. I call it: Building a Soul, One Word at a Time
“I will wait for you.”
“Take your time.”
“You make my day better.”
I say those words to my slow-moving, happy-go-lucky, Noticer of life child.
I watch as grateful eyes light up and tiny shoulders relax.
Those words are Soul-Building Words to her.
“Mistakes mean you are learning.”
“It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
“Okay, you can have a few more minutes to work on your project.”
I say those words to my driven, contentious planner and pursuer of dreams child.
I watch as pressure escapes from her chest and aspirations soar higher.
Those words are Confidence-Boosting Words to her.
“I appreciate you.”
“I’m listening.”
“You matter.”
I say those words to my hard-working, often underappreciated love of my life.
I watch as tensions loosen, eyes meet, and conversation comes easier.
Those words are Affirming and Connective Words to him.
“It’s good enough for today.”
“Be kind to yourself.”
“Today matters more than yesterday.”
I say those words to my own perfection-seeking, worrisome heart that tends to replay past mistakes.
I watch as my clenched hands open and tears fall as scars come to the surface.
Those are Healing, Hope-Filled Words to me.
The words “I love you” should never be underestimated, but every human being has a few words that make his or her soul come alive. Discover what those words are by standing back, letting go, watching, learning, and listening. What brings a smile? What adds a spring to the step? Commit those words to memory and say them, say them as often as you can so that one day you are no longer needed to hear them.
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Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, what Hairbrush Offerings are you going to make today? Please share in the comments. We can learn so much from each other.
Recommended resource:
Every step I took and every strategy I used to change my controlling, hurried, and distracted ways, can be found in my first book, HANDS FREE MAMA, a New York Times Bestseller. My second book, HANDS FREE LIFE, is a guide to living life, rather than managing, stressing, screaming, or barely getting through life. Through truthful storytelling and life-giving Habit Builders, I show you how to respond to yourself and your loved ones with more presence, more grace, and more love. Be sure and check out the beautiful handmade bracelets inscribed with phrases like ONLY LOVE TODAY and I CHOOSE LOVE that have become touchstones for people trying to be more positive and less critical. Non-leather options available too.
Important note:
This blog post has reached over 5 million people because of your willingness to share a message of hope & healing! I have received many courageous messages asking for further guidance. My dear colleague Sandy Blackard, who is an award-winning author and parenting coach, is helping me respond to these messages and has provided insightul answers to some of the questions posed in the comment section of the blog post. Sandy has condensed all her responses into one succinct blog post. If you would like to make sure things get done on time without rushing or over-managing your children OR if you are yearning to put perfectionism aside and provide guidance without criticism or negative correction, read these seven tips: “On Time with Empowered Children.”
I think this post hit me harder today than any of your other posts. I also get caught up in “not being late” and being sure my list of things to do are complete instead of noticing what really matters and taking the time to be present. Thank you for this post, so very much. 🙂
Thank you so much for this message, Lindsay. It feels scary to share such unpleasant things about myself and describe painful memories I would rather forget, but reading your words reminds me that I am not alone and speaking these difficult truths is helpful and healing. I so appreciate you taking the time to comment.
I am so grateful that you shared this. After raising four grown children, I am still learning with my last two and your post was of great help. Bless you.
Me too Robin! I have one daughter’s who’s just moved out of home into her own first home, and I miss her dreadfully…but that’s another story, and my youngest 2 are 17 yr boy & a nearly 15 yr daughter, who I struggle every day to understand and I think I am learning more with her than with the other 2, the true words of Rachel’s post today…especially “I’m listening.” properly listening, cause it does feel like I don’t give her enough of my time now!! So I take a breath and stop what I’m doing and really listen! Thank you for these posts, they ALWAYS come at the perfect time when I need a boost to keep on going. Avery sounds just like my Ebony, beautiful, funny and living in the moment. You’re doing a great job ladies, keep it up <3
Rachel, thank you for inviting me to chime in twice(!) in your replies below. This was another moving post. Your inspiring words have given hope to so many!
I was finally able to review the 195 comments that have come in so far. I noticed two prevalent parenting concerns, and have some suggestions to add to yours below for any of your readers who want to know how to make sure things get done on time without rushing or over-managing their children, or who want to know how to put perfectionism aside and provide guidance without criticism or negative correction.
1. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF – For concerns about rushing, first check your own comfort level with schedules. Personally I hated them. I was rushed as a child and always wished I could do things in my own time. Deadlines seemed stupid and unfair. Hearing “Take your time,” as Rachel says would have been soul-building for me. Fast-forward to an adult in charge of time boundaries for my children and you can see why I’d feel angry, upset and powerless when any deadline approached – regardless of the technique I tried for getting my kids out the door. Deadlines got much easier when I finally recognized and validated my childhood feelings about schedules. Suddenly I could see schedules as just a tool that can help you meet up with people and get things done.
2. CHECK YOUR BOUNDARY – Children respond to boundaries that are OK with you and resist boundaries that for one reason or another are not. To see what I mean, think of a boundary that is OK with you, like wearing clothes in public. That’s just what people do, and you are fine with that (probably?). If so, you don’t “ask” children to comply (which suggests they can say no), you simply state your boundary as a matter of fact. You also don’t apologize for your boundary, defend it, give lots of reasons for it, or feel bad about holding firm on it. Kids can tell the difference. When a boundary is OK with you, they may grumble a little at first, but when their grumbling doesn’t trouble you or get you to change the boundary, they very quickly adapt and it becomes just what they do, too, without a struggle.
3. VALIDATE – Another key to cooperation is seeing the child’s perspective as Mary C pointed out, and understanding then validating the child’s feelings without trying to change them. It’s OK if they don’t WANT to get dressed, brush their teeth, etc. on a schedule. Why would they? But getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting into the car by a certain time are just what you do, clothes in a bag or on their bodies is up to them. (The lack of validation in my childhood was why I resisted schedules for so long, and self-validation is what finally freed me.)
4. USE YOUR CHILD’S SOLUTIONS – For children 3 and up, if stopping and smelling the roses is important to your child, let him/her suggest solutions for fitting that in. Then try them, point out what worked, consider what problems still need to be solved, brainstorm again, and tweak the solutions until they work. When your child experiences success you can point out the strength – time management, planning, or self-direction, etc. Children learn best by success.
5. OFFER FUN CHOICES – For little ones, when getting to the car is a struggle, my grown daughter offers these choices: “You can walk, run, or fly.” Piggy back is another option that usually brings a smile. The options are endless, and adding the element of “fun” make everyone’s morning more connective.
6. SUCCESS TRAINING – The other thing I want to emphasize is Rachel’s suggestion to notice every positive thing your child is doing toward the goal of task completion and describe objectively what is not yet done, not as a criticism or negative correction. Then when the task is done, celebrate the child’s success and point out the child’s strengths. Your child will feel empowered and much more able to cooperate, as Rachel demonstrated in her post, plus it’s exactly the way to help children master difficult tasks.
For example when your 3YO wants to brush her own teeth but can’t do it well enough yet, staying with her and providing success training can improve her skills without criticism. You let her do it herself and point out the details of what she is doing with a hint of excitement over each success. It could sound like, “You started right in front and brushed up and down on that one… twice! Now that one twice again, and that one…” (Kids usually do more when you point out the positive.) If she misses one, you just describe the location and let her be the one to figure out that she missed it and solve the problem herself as in, “You got that one and that one. Look right there. There’s one more hiding,” or “That tooth has a back,” etc. By focusing on her successes, giving her information, and letting her solve the problem herself, she will feel empowered all the way through, and will probably be more willing to let you help when needed.
It’s natural to manage children when you think that they will fail. Success training gives you proof they won’t. When you see your child’s mastery improve, it’s easy to back off from managing every detail.
7. MORE – I explain exactly how to validate without agreeing, see the child’s perspective, set clear, clean boundaries, point out strengths to help children change their own behaviors and much more in my little online book (66 pages). Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s work and mine are in complete alignment, so my book will provide a simple introduction to hers. You can read it free on my website from a PC or MAC (not mobile): http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/
This is a GOLD MINE of HELPFUL information has the potential to change many negative interactions into positive ones–not to mention strengthen our relationships as well as our loved ones’ confidence levels! I cannot thank you enough for sharing your expertise and wisdom with us! I APPRECIATE YOU, Sandy!
Thank you so much Sandy for taking the time to respond to these posts. That has been VERY helpful information added onto the responses Rachel has provided. I do validate but the ways you have approached some of the things I mentioned have added extras that I will definitely try … to do with the teeth cleaning mainly … and getting my little one into the car. I’m going to check out the 66 page book for sure. I never seem to have enough time for books but I am learning to give myself more “me time” for good reasons and these reasons are VERY beneficial. I’m even more keen to get Rachel’s book now too. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Brigitte,
I’m so glad you saw my reply and found it helpful. You are very welcome! The teeth-brushing example was based on your specific description and hopefully benefitted others as well.
You mentioned the car – most little ones love to be flown to the car and even into bed! Physical play like that is so connective! Fun choices create even more giggles when you surprise kids with them by pretending to be “stern mom” when you offer them. Wink, smile and wait for the giggles as the child “gets it.”
Since you are already validating your child, my little book will make it even easier for you, and Rachel’s book will inspire you into action now and forever. You know how beautifully she writes. Keep your tissues near by!
I also recommend adding our colleague Dr. Theresa Kellam’s book to your must-read list if you want to learn how to set up life-changing playtimes with your child. It’s the most fun way I know to master relationship-based parenting and stay connected to your child for life. No kidding! The Parent Survival Guide: http://tinyurl.com/kellam-psg
This the most powerful essay I have read in a long time. It was posted on my daughter s Facebook. I see myself and others in every word you’ve written. My children are grown but I have not ripped off my manager s nameplate. This will be my goal of 2015!!! Thank you very much.
Thank you so much Rachel for writing this. Naming your behavior “the manager” really struck a chord with me. I have always known I acted this way, but couldn’t step out of my controlling ways to take a deep breath and enjoy my family and my life. Giving it a name, and such an appropriate one, enables me to step away from barking orders, adhering to schedules, and other peoples expectations. It allows me to be a mother and connect with those I love and not order them around. I love the part about everyone having a different way of doing things. It’s not “my way or the highway” it’s going to be “our way”. This has been such an “aha moment” for me. I can’t thank you enough!
Thank you for taking the time to let me know, Lisa! I am truly grateful for this feedback!
Oh, does this sound too familiar. Hair brushing…it’s hard to relent this job to the child. I still have trouble, but I am trying to let her grow. So hard. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thank you so much for your support and understanding. It feels so comforting when someone ‘Steps Into the Light of Realness’ with another person. Grateful for your companionship on this journey.
Because if you don’t make those changes now, it will be too late. You will have created permanent damage to their little psyches and their confidence will be low 🙁
I have spent a decade trying to make up for my critical, perfectionist attitude with my daughter. Mothers don’t realized how powerful their words and actions are.
My daughter is a beautiful 30 year old RN and single mom to a beautiful toddler. Yet she never feels she’s “good enough.” I did that. And I try every day to reverse it.
You did the best you could and, as Moms, that’s what we do. We aren’t always “right”. As adults our children get to chose what to take with them in their adult life and what didn’t work for them as they grew. I’m certain your intentions were from the heart. It’s never “too late” and I doubt being critical will scar for a lifetime. Enjoy the accomplished young woman and Mom she has become.
I made mistakes as a parent, all can do now is try to minimize the effects of those mistakes. My children loved all aspects of their growing years except for going to the grocery store, where I became Momzilla- ‘Stay behind the cart!’ ‘Keep your hand on the cart!’ – all well meant, so they wouldn’t get run over, so they wouldn’t get lost (MY hugest fear is I would LOSE a child, not considering their own actions or own mind…..) But THOSE are the memories that resonate with my girls…I feel so sad that our play forts, tent cities, and cupcake disasters are not at the forefront of their minds but the actions of a scared mom are. SO! My college aged daughters were home for Thanksgiving and we drove to the grocery, I grabbed a cart from the lot and then barked ‘Get behind the cart!’ The reaction was instantaneous! They were both afraid and angry, but when they saw that I was joking, spoke of how that stuck with them and how it made them feel and for the first time listened to what my reasons were, however well intentioned I learned how it was perceived. I’m sorry for the harm I did, but also grateful for the opportunity to learn and express that education to my children with the hope that they will understand and forgive me.
Lovely lifting words, Nancy!
Oh my goodness! Where were you when I was raising my children in the 80’s. Too late now-they grew up and left home before this all dawned on me. I had this picture in my head of how it had to be. To be RIGHT – if it veered – it was wrong , I was wrong . I believed if I had the perfect house and family then my own mother would finally love me. It did not work and I only wounded my children. I never meant to make them little soldiers in my war for approval. Keep writing – keep encouraging. There is hope for a new generation of free mothers.
I hear you. My son, now 35, and 9 year old granddaughter, now live with us. With her, I am trying to make up for the mistakes I made with him. Once, we know, we do better, right?
This comment could have been written by me. I grew up in a strict ‘right is right and wrong is wrong’ home, never pleasing my parents and never feeling loved. I, too, felt if I taught my children to be ‘perfect’ (which came across to them as never being ‘good enough’), my parents would finally be proud of me, and maybe even love me. We did have fun, happy times in our home. I played with them, danced and sang with them, read to them, made cookies and playdoh, etc., and loved them with all my heart…but I will always regret that my way of ‘teaching’ them came across as criticism. I wish I had taken more time letting them learn by doing things their way and complimenting them, rather than always showing them the ‘right’ (my) way. They are all adults now and well liked by others, so apparently we did something right. I hope the day will come that they will realize how much their Dad and I have always loved them…after all, God chose us to be their parents, and He knew we wouldn’t be perfect.
As a daughter who still struggles to understand her own mom’s motivations sometimes, I beg you: if you haven’t already, please tell your children what you have told us! They have no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s not too late to make sure they understand.
I felt like I was reading about my own life. I’m always in such a hurry and rushing my kids to the point of everyone being frustrated. And I feel like a constant dictator to my family. Posts like these open my eyes and help me realize that there is a gentler way to communicate with the people I love. Thank you!
Wow – thank you for this. I completely understand your point of acting like a manager. I can relate to this piece so much. Actually I can relate to all your pieces. 🙂 Thank goodness I am aware of my actions and I guess I always felt like if I let go and I didn’t manage the family, things will fall apart, but I also know that is not true. If we listen, our kids can teach us so much about ourselves, can’t they? A couple of months ago I had my rude awakening. My daughter said “why are you always in such a bad mood lately?” I wasn’t “always” in a bad mood, I was just managing the team. Making sure they follow orders and get their jobs done. Things are so much better and I have leaned to relax and let go. To make sure the kids see me loving and acknowledging their Dad, because I really do! I am more effective when I slow down and change my tone. I value the relationship I have with my kids so much and I don’t want them to ever get tired of hearing me talk. 😉 Thank you for all your insight and sharing your stories. It’s good to know that so many of us are going through the same growing experiences. 😉
Thank you! Oh my thank you so much for this post. My daughter was just telling us the other day that her daddy was king, I was queen and she was the princess. I actually said out loud that I feel more like a dictator. I hate it. I think I’m going to print this post and place phrases from it as reminders around my house. Oh how I don’t want to be/feel like a dictator anymore. Thank you for the hope.
Thank you for this post today. I am struggling with my child that has been recently diagnosed with a learning disability. It is not a huge deal, it is not life threatening. He is alive and healthy. However it has been a direction changer. Yesterday we had a massive meltdown. To read this today helped me to remember that i am here to be his mother, not his everything. I can support him in the way he needs. I don’t need to be the dictator. Thank you for your openness and ability to share your experiences. It is helpful to know we aren’t alone in our struggles.
I think it’s very hard to let go for many reasons. One that your comment, “I am here to be his mother, not his everything,” brought to mind for me, Rachel, is that, when we conceive a child, and for quite a while after that, we ARE his “everything.” It can be hard to grow out of that stage and let go and trust. It was and has been especially hard for me as a single mom, whose husband left her alone to care for four children with no family of her own, and whose inlaws abandoned her when he did. I think so much of what I read in this blog is about trust and fear, hope and regret. May God bless us to forgive ourselves and trust that he and our children will forgive us, too, and that he will provide us with hope, new life, and new chances to become more of who we can be.
God loves us for what we are trying to do right. We do the best we can with what we have and where we are.
It’s hard to remember to apply that to myself, my children, and sometimes even other adults that have good intentions but don’t get things right/do them the right way.
I needed to write that for me. Wow.
Thank you, Jeanette. Such a loving, healing reminder.
I’m crying. I feel like kicking myself. I am the grumpy manager and I that’s THE LAST thing I want to be! I turn what should be precious moments, into beat up sessions by abruptly ended things that bring joy to my child. Why?! And how have I let this become who I am? It’s just saddening.
I love reading your posts and I NEED to get your book!
you could have been so easily writing about me
Well said and more importantly well done.
Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed it.
Wow…this post is EXACTLY what I needed. I am constantly rushing my family and dictating their every move. To the point that I can sometimes see hesitation in my oldest daughters face- thinking “will mom approve of me doing this.” And it breaks my heart. That is not how I want her, or my other two daughters to grow up. I am going to keep this post, read it daily, as a reminder to myself to just calm down, take it slow and let them be kids. They need this time. And they also need a loving mom who will help guide them, not direct them! Thank you for this post!!!
Oh. The broken tears.
It’s scary how much of myself I see in your posts. I actually teared up this morning reading this particular post as it was just this morning I was barking orders at my daughter, trying to hurry her up. It’s so hard sometimes to give up control … I am slowly learning to let go but after years of doing it myself, it’s difficult. Reading your posts gives me the courage to keep trying to give up control, to just let go and let things fall where they may – and to be okay with it. Thank you so much for your posts, your book and your words. You give me hope that I can and will change!!
I’m sitting here with tears because I’m that manager as well. I grew up with someone who is a lot like that and we’ve called it “martyr syndrome” because anytime something has to be done, it’s got to be done by her or it won’t be right, but done with a soul deep sigh of irritation. I’ve got a 15 year old and 17 year old and they’ve grown up with me being this way because that’s the way I’ve always seen it done. I’ve got to learn to let go, and this post just hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter loves to experiment with recipes (with ingredients that make me say UGH, no thank you! LOL) and my son wants to try every art project under the sun. So let them.
I forget, and am reminded periodically, that we’re teaching our kids to be humans. They learn by example, so I need to remember to teach them to be GOOD humans. Today I’ll remember that again and try to make it last through the patience rending moments of teenagers 🙂
Thank you for your insight. I was that manager/ dictator with my son. Everything was a rush. On a very few occasions I would stop the car during our long commute, to applaud a rainbow, or to watch a wild turkey.
As the grandmother of his lovely daughter, I have slowed down and tuned in to the more important things. One precious moment was a few months ago; Lilly was learning to put coins in her Winnie the Pooh bank. We had all the time in the world, I refrained from doing it for her, and eventually she was dropping coins through the slot like a champ. Both of us were so very proud!
Thank you, Ellen, for reminding me that I can help myself heal from the pain of past mistakes by catching myself doing something nurturing and patient with a child or grandchild, today, and feeling warmed and comforted by that change. There are so many regrets from the past, and they can take over and consume me with pain, if there is nothing else to focus upon that can compete with them. “I’m sorry” has never seemed enough; new actions are a helpful balm to my soul.
I think this hit the spot today. I just had tears as I read. I could picture myself in your words. I am a single parent feeling the manager of this small home. Even today as trying to get Katey ready for school. I felt the “hurry up, you are going to be late for the bus”. Thank you so much for sharing this. Thanks for the wise words of ways to remember that kids love to smell the roses (she always used to do this). I forget how to empower her. She has ADHD and her way isn’t the same as mine…it’s just different. I need to be her encouragement. I don’t have to be angry at her differences….she isn’t me, I am not her.
I love her uniqueness.
Thank you.
I am SO thankful that I came across your post today. I see so much of myself in this article. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in the world! I, too, feel like the world is going to fall apart when things are not running the way I feel they should be and things that should be insignificant are blown up to huge proportions in my mind. My husband seems to be the same way, so, although there isn’t a lot of yelling or anything in our house, there is probably more stress over silly things than there should be. I’m going to share this article with him and see if we can find a way to chill out, for everyone’s sakes! 🙂 Thank you for finding it in yourself to share this with everyone.
PS We do have a child with severe ADHD and some processing issues, who has had serious medical issues in the past, but we need to NOT let that rule our world and discover if he has a way of doing things that is better than ours and works better for him.
I’m checking my house for a hidden camera…oooof. Spot on this morning. Wiping away the tears. Thank you so very much for this heartfelt and honest post. You are a gracious inspiration.
I needed this post, and I need help. This morning I yelled all sorts of things, yet again, to get my daughter out the door. I love the idea of letting her do it, and letting her take her time, but if that were the case, she would still be there. So then what? I don’t want to manage, I don’t want to yell, but how to I get her to do anything? School starts at a certain time, but she doesn’t seem to care. I am not questioning out of spite, I am genuinely seeking and hoping for help! I have to drag her out of bed as it is, to wake her up ealier will result in too little sleep, I’m afraid. Yes our life is extra stressful right now (end of the semester for me, getting ready to move to another state, daddy is already moved) but the person I was this morning is not the person they deserve, or that I want to be.
Hi Ellen,
Here are some ideas. I will also ask my brilliant colleague Sandy Blackard who is an award-winning author and parenting coach to chime in when she can.
1) An idea that I used with my special education students and also with my daughters to encourage certain behaviors or actions is The Warm Fuzzy Jar. I got a clear jar of colorful pom pom balls from the craft store. I told my students/kids that each time they did something kind or helpful they got to put a “warm fuzzy” in their cup or jar. In your case, it could be whenever your children do one of the things they need to do to get ready for bed or get ready to leave the house. (You could even have her create a visual list of the tasks she needs to do to be posted next to the jar). When she doed a task, she can add a warm fuzzy to the jar. The children would decide on a special activity that we would do as a celebration for filling the jar. For younger children, instead of filling the jar which takes a week or two, perhaps consider something thing if she earns 5 pom poms that morning, she can have special time with you that evening or a treat of her choosing. What this does is helps create a pattern of positive behaviors and it makes you notice positive behaviors rather than what they are not doing. Eventually you will not need the jar because the behavior patterns will be in place. When things start to slide, you can get the jar back out. When you first tell your child about the warm fuzzy jar, you should give examples of what would earn her a pom pom (or even have her make a list with words or pictures and put it on the jar). Like, “When I set the timer for you to get dressed and you get dressed before the timer goes off, you can put a warm fuzzy in your cup (or jar). But when you play instead, you don’t get a warm fuzzy.” Or “When I tell you to put on your shoes in the morning and you do it, you can give yourself a pom pom.” Kids love putting the pom poms in themselves. In fact, sometimes doing that is an even bigger deal that the reward. I do not take away pom poms that are earned. I would just remind her that what she is doing is not earning a pom pom. Try to notice every positive thing she does and give her a pom pom for it. Here is an entire blog post I wrote about The Warm Fuzzy Jar that will help clarify how it is used: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/29/how-to-fill-up-a-child/.
2) As a special education teacher, I learned that giving my students (as well as my daughter) a 5 minute warning helped them more than a longer time period. For instance, you might say, “We are going to leave in 5 minutes. I need you to put on your shoes and pick out the purse you want to take.” For my students, I used a kitchen timer or a sand timer so they could see how much time they had. This helped tremendously. You might also try giving her one task at a time. Like, “You have 5 minutes to get dressed.” Then set the timer for 5 minutes. Then you may give her 5 minutes to put on her shoes. My students learned to set the timer themselves and actually loved to be in charge of setting it. I learned to give my daughter time to just go at her pace when we could, but there are times in life when we must be punctual. This is when a kitchen timer would be helpful. My daughter did not need the timer for long, but an advanced warning worked well. I really focused on praising her when she did what she needed to do without stopping to play. All kids are different so just see what works for your family. Good luck and thank you for giving your child the gift of time when you are able. For me, it was all about realizing that EVERY Moment in life did not have to be rushed.
I have one more thought. This is something I still use with my younger daughter age 8 at bedtime. I say, “At 7:45, I am going to begin reading stories. In the next 15 minutes you need to get on your pjs, brush teeth, and put your dirty clothes in the hamper. It is up to you how much of the story you hear. I will read from 7:45 til 8.” This really motivates her to get what she needs to get done so she can hear the story. It is important to stick to what you said. If you said “lights out at 8,” and she did not hear the story, that is the consequence. The next day remind her that she missed the story so she will need to do nightly duties more quickly tomorrow if she wants to hear it.
Whenever you do happen to have time and are not on a schedule, be sure to say things like, “It’s okay, we have time today. You don’t have to rush.” Or “Take your time,” — to our little Noticers of the World those are very loving and affirming words.
Hope this helps!!! It was a great question!
I’m so glad Ellen asked this question, because I was ready to do it myself! I hate it when I have to switch into dictator mode, I would love to have us take our time all the time, but we can’t risk losing our jobs that pay the bills and put food on the table to let our kids move at their own pace every day. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be an issue because our culture would value what’s really important and the systems and infrastructure would support it, but we all know it’s the opposite.
Thank you for the great suggestions, we are doing some of these things in a roundabout way, but after reading all of this I realize we aren’t being consistent enough. You’ve given me a shot in the arm, I’m looking forward to sharing this with the hubster!
And thank you, Ellen, for invading my brain :).
Rachel,
What you are doing once again today, is greater than words, you are giving support. So many of the young mothers today do not have support and older moms like myself did not have support, during the child raising years. We all have different stories but we can always find a way to be better mothers. It’s never too late. I have two adult sons. My oldest son was diagnosed at eight with autism. I knew from his birth something was different about him. He cried all day and night. So from the beginning I was immediately stressed and searched for methods that worked to soothe and parent this child. I was offered “old wives tales” from the elders which would have only been hurtful to my child. I was not content listening to their advice. I searched and scoured every book, since there was no internet, for help or support to aid me in raising my son who I dearly loved in the best way I could. It was hit or miss with whatever parenting technique or style I read. Usually my gut instinct won out and that is what I did. Us older moms also had the pressure of being “superwoman” or “you can have it all” as women found their way to independence in the seventies and eighties. Like many women I was raising children and working outside of the home. Try as we might we couldn’t have it all…something had to give. But at what cost ?? I was frazzled and the children and family suffers. I somehow did get through it and my two sons relatively unscathed, yet I look back and wish I had done many things differently and would definitely change some things if I chad the chance. I am not sure things have changed much for mothers since then. I see them struggle with many of the same things I had. I hope they have more help and resources than I had.
Something that did work for me was to accept what was “our normal” not what was normal for everyone else. That helped me significantly. As a perfectionist I had a lot of work to do on myself too as I was miserable trying to do it all. I eventually learned to pad every outing out the door with plenty of extra minutes and preplanning as much as I could. I would get up an hour and a half before I got the boys up for school. This gave me the extra time so everyone was groomed, fed and ready for school. Autistic children can’t be rushed too much or everything comes to a dead standstill. I dropped out of car pooling because the other moms were unreliable and I would rather be on the same schedule so my children’s routine wasn’t upset by others. My oldest son is all grown up, doing well and now verbalizes to me the things big and small I was unaware of back then that made him stressed and anxious as a child. Little things that were big anxiety makers for him such as the wrapped Christmas gifts under the tree waiting to be opened in Christmas was unbearable for him and his anxiety and tension would escalate. Today I would put nothing out until the night before to keep his anxiety down. December which was to be the happy month turned into the worst month of the year as the events and shopping and gatherings happened and his behaviors escalated as the month progressed. Anticipation was hard for my oldest and I did not understand that until later in his teens. We needed CALM I our lives !!!! As Ellen mentioned, explaining in advance of an event or outing what was going to occur and what would be happening, step by step was necessary because he couldn’t anticipate change. These tips are good for all children not just those with challenges. I didn’t know what it was like to walk in my children’s shoes. I only could relate to my childhood. As you point out Rachel, I only saw the world through my eyes, so I parented from my point of view not from what they saw and understood. When I tried to see my children’s point of view I gained enormous insight into how to better parent my two boys. You automatically become more loving when you understand. You have to stop and remind yourself often, to step back, slow down….and look at yourself in each situation and interaction. It takes a lot of retraining to get it right so it becomes a spontaneous thing you do regularity. When you step back and breathe, you become more relaxed and so do your children. We aren’t perfect and raising each and every child is unique and it takes so much practice. When you are stressed it is hard to think clearly about how you can do better as a parent. We often tend to keep with our old ways of parenting by just working harder at it, thinking that will make it better….when we should be analyzing our parenting style and changing it to make it better.
So what I really wanted to say to you Rachel, is that when I started as a parent it was a very lonely place and I shed a lot of tears over trying to be a good loving parent and finding solutions to help me cope. I had very few I could talk to or go to for a listening ear or advice. I think what you are doing is a such a gift of love to all who follow your blog and a beautiful lesson in loving and patience for everyone who come here to be a better parent. Thank you so much for what you are doing and sharing. We all are on a path, and you have chosen to show how we all are not perfect and it’s never too late to make this a better place starting first with those who are most important to us, our children….
Thank You Rachel
Well said Mary C! And you have some wonderful advice and experiences to add to Rachel;s beautiful words.
Mary C, thank you so much for your comment. Your compassionate view toward yourself and other mothers really comforted me. ” You automatically become more loving when you understand.” Thank you for that understanding. I did what I could with what I had, and where I was, at that time. I want to learn how to forgive myself and be kind to myself.
Oh man the tears are flowing on this cold winter morning. I’m actually writing down these phrases and practicing them. Retraining the manager mom brain. Hoping its a starting point to rediscover my dreamer, noticer sons and self determined spunky girls soul building words. Your words, perspective and vulnerability inspire.
Your post has me crying in front of my computer. Many of your posts make me feel like you have pulled the thoughts out of my head. I need to make a change. Many changes.
Yep, this is me. The manager, the CEO of the household, the get-things-done, keep-things-running, drive-the-carpool, clean-the-house, order-everyone-around mad woman racing through every day. I’ve learned so much and grown so much from your posts and book in the past 18 months, but reading this reminded me how far I still need to go as a loving parent. Thanks, Rachel, you have no idea what a difference you are making!
Thank you for this post. I often war with myself! In my quest to make fun memories for my children, I am frazzled and mean and petulant. Just the other day I was jamming their little feet in to boots to get out the door to make a Christmas parade. I was so mad at myself and them! More mad at myself then anything. I grew up in a house where my mom wanted things to be right– her way. Although she’s departed from that now, those thoughts still interfere in my daily life and battle for my attention !
This goes into the ‘soul building worlds’ category. One of the few things I think I’m doing well as a mom is telling my daughter ‘no matter what you do you can’t make me stop loving you’- When she whines- “Your whining may drive me crazy- and I love you even when you whine” When she makes bad choices “when you make a bad choice- there’s a consequence, but I still love you” Even when she gets very angry and says things she doesn’t mean- like “I hate you” my response is “hate me all you want but I will always love you”
I’m hoping that when she gets older and heaven help me- makes a really really bad choice- that she’s not afraid to tell us because we’ll have established very early on that no matter what she does or what happens we’ll always love her.
I had an especially rough morning today getting my kids out the door for school. I am embarrassed to say that I lost control and snapped at my 5 year old daughter repeatedly. She was moving slower than usual but the real issue was that I was running behind and took out that frustration and stress on her. I apologized all over myself once we were driving to school but I am still beating myself up an hour later. I don’t want to be the manager type but too often I fall into that category. I don’t think it was a coincidence that your post was at the top of my fb newsfeed when I got home from drop off at school. Thank you for sharing your heart and your words of wisdom.
I love this post… I live in a place somewhere between who you described you were then and the person you describe now. As a mother torn between wanting to give my children the chance to get ready for the day in their own time and knowing that the bus will be at the end of the driveway whether they are ready or not, my question to you is this. How would you suggest that I ask my kids to get their morning tasks done to get ready for school, on time… while fostering their desire to “stop and smell the roses”?
Our daily morning routine is this, the kids, ages 7(girl) and 5(boy) wake up on their own time (between 6am and 6:30am) they either watch morning cartoons or play, make crafts, or do whatever activity they feel like doing. I am up around the same time and I will either give them time to continue in their activity or ask them to get ready for school first so that they have time to play until the bus comes. Neither response works. I always end up asking 3-4 times for them to get dressed, brush their teeth, comb their hair and make their beds (one task at a time). Then I yell… which is when they actually do the tasks I had been asking them nicely to do all along.
I hate yelling. Do you have any suggestions to get them to do their tasks, in a timely manner, without having to default as the manager of the house?
Hi Benita – Here are some ideas. I will also ask my brilliant colleague Sandy Blackard who is an award-winning author and parenting coach to chime in when she can.
1) An idea that I used with my special education students and also with my daughters to encourage certain behaviors or actions is The Warm Fuzzy Jar. I got a clear jar of colorful pom pom balls from the craft store. I told my students/kids that each time they did something kind or helpful they got to put a “warm fuzzy” in their cup or jar. In your case, it could be whenever your children do one of the things they need to do to get ready for bed or get ready to leave the house. (You could even have them create a visual list of the tasks they need to do to be posted next to the jar). When they do a task, they can add a warm fuzzy to the jar. It is up to you if you want to have one jar so everyone works collectively or each child can have his or her jar. The children would decide on a special activity that we would do as a celebration for filling the jar. For younger children, instead of filling the jar which takes a week or two, perhaps consider something thing if he earns 5 pom poms that morning, he can have special time with you that evening or a treat of his choosing. What this does is helps create a pattern of positive behaviors and it makes you notice positive behaviors rather than what they are not doing. Eventually you will not need the jar because the behavior patterns will be in place. When they start to slide, you can get the jar back out. When you first tell your child about the warm fuzzy jar, you should give examples of what would earn him a pom pom (or even make a list with words or pictures and put it on the jar). Like, “When I set the timer for you to get dressed and you get dressed before the timer goes off, you can put a warm fuzzy in your cup (or jar). But when you play instead, you don’t get a warm fuzzy.” Or “When I tell you to put on your shoes in the morning and you do it, you can give yourself a pom pom.” They love putting the pom poms in themselves. In fact, sometimes doing that is an even bigger deal that the reward. I do not take away pom poms that are earned. I would just remind them that what they are doing is not earning a pom pom. Try to notice every positive thing they do and give them a pom pom for it. Here is an entire blog post I wrote about The Warm Fuzzy Jar that will help clarify how it is used: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/29/how-to-fill-up-a-child/.
2) As a special education teacher, I learned that giving my students (as well as my daughter) a 5 minute warning helped them more than a longer time period. For instance, you might say, “We are going to leave in 5 minutes. I need you to put on your shoes and pick out the purse you want to take.” For my students, I used a kitchen timer or a sand timer so they could see how much time they had. This helped tremendously. You might also try giving him one task at a time. Like, “You have 5 minutes to get dressed.” Then set the timer for 5 minutes. Then you may give him 5 minutes to put on her shoes. My students learned to set the timer themselves and actually loved to be in charge of setting it. I learned to give my daughter time to just go at her pace when we could, but there are times in life when we must be punctual. This is when a kitchen timer would be helpful. My daughter did not need the timer for long, but an advanced warning worked well. I really focused on praising her when she did what she needed to do without stopping to play. All kids are different so just see what works for your family. Good luck and thank you for giving your child the gift of time when you are able. For me, it was all about realizing that EVERY Moment in life did not have to be rushed.
I have one more thought. This is something I still use with my younger daughter age 8 at bedtime. I say, “At 7:45, I am going to begin reading stories. In the next 15 minutes you need to get on your pjs, brush teeth, and put your dirty clothes in the hamper. It is up to you how much of the story you hear. I will read from 7:45 til 8.” This really motivates her to get what she needs to get done so she can hear the story. It is important to stick to what you said. If you said “lights out at 8,” and he or she did not hear the story, that is the consequence. The next day remind him or her that she or he missed the story so they will need to do nightly duties more quickly tomorrow if they want to hear it.
Whenever you do happen to have time and are not on a schedule, be sure to say things like, “It’s okay, we have time today. You don’t have to rush.” Or “Take your time,” — to our little Noticers of the World those are very loving and affirming words.
Hope this helps!!! It was a great question!
I just wrote a post below considering similar issues regarding teeth (and usually when we’re running late) and then read this reply to Benita. Wonderful! Your suggestions are a great help. I’m going to try them. Thank you!
Thank you, Brigitte. A lot of people wanted to know what they could do differently after they read “The Day I Stopped Saying Hurry Up” and those were some of the tactics I used. Thanks for being here! http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/07/16/the-day-i-stopped-saying-hurry-up/
They are much too young to be getting ready on their own without cues and help from you. I wouldn’t do crafts or TV until they are completely ready for school if time allows. They do need to know what a schedule is, so they do not dawdle and I think the TV is a distraction. I wouldn’t expect children to totally be on a schedule on their own until they are older. You can have them pick out their clothes the night before so they are ready in the a.m. Your children need to be fed before they go to school so they can do their best.
So thankful for the reminder to take my time with one and encourage mistakes and learning opportunities with the other, my boys are so similar (though our battles have less to do with hairbrushes and more to do with toy arranging at this stage). I want to encourage you that curly hair can be less of a battle for all of you if you’re interested in checking out http://www.naturallycurly.com – the methods described saved my own hair battles and helped me look less like a brillo pad and more like a normal human being…. that would have been especially helpful during my middle school years. Good luck with the curls and thanks for the encouragement to let go.
I am in tears as I am reading this comment and if I didn’t know better I would think that I wrote this myself. It is so true and I have always been too ashamed and to admit how I try to micromanage every little thing in my life. I really hope that I am able to turn things around and look at it differently the way you have. Absolutely beautiful thank you for sharing
Something’s beautifully and meaningfully written when you have this many commenters crying so soon after a post! Thank you for changing so many lives today with your words.
I appreciate your loving comment so much. This was scary for me to publish this and I did not sleep well in anticipation of a negative response, but I have been lovingly reminded that sharing the darkest truths, it allows light to come in where it is most needed. I am grateful for you and for each of these honest, heartfelt comments.
This post cut me to the core today. I generally relate to your posts, but honestly, you could be a fly on my walls right now with how you described the way you used to live. Unfortunately, it’s my today. It’s my every.single.day. I don’t even WANT to be with them anymore. I’m constantly looking for ways to escape and numb myself. How pitiful is that! Praying I’m able to take your words to heart and make the necessary changes. I desire to want to be with them. That counts for something, right?
It absolutely counts for something, my friend. There is hope. Feel free to message me for a list of tips and strategies I used to chose a more peaceful response if you think that could be helpful. This is open to anyone. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
Mom of four,
Know that you are not alone, and there is love and support here. Rachel is a blessing to me and so many others as I read her blog each week. She is such a source of inspiration and help as we all try to be better mothers. I will be thinking of you as many of us have been in situations that we each can relate to.
M…
I read this with a great deal of shame. I am a project manager at work and a life manager at home. I will not let my 4 year old brush her hair because she will not brush the back. It’s like I’m you, but the old you. Not the new and improved version.
But these are the types of improvements I ponder daily, so I know not all is lost. I’m trying to figure it out and just haven’t arrived yet. How do I step back and let my child grow? But still teach? How do I keep from wanting everything to be done my way, and yet show my children that their way is not necessarily the best way?
I know the answer is trial and error, with a healthy dose of discussion. And I need to step up my game a little more to make those things happen.
Thanks for this post. Well time for me and totally awesome.
Love this! Thanks for your vulnerability. It gives others permission to be honest too.
This is a great post but I cried in despair reading it. My husband is the former you, and he will never read this post and he will never stop expecting me to be perfect. If only he would say to me “I appreciate you, I’m listening to you, You matter.”
E,
Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers. You sound so sad! Of course you wish he would tell you those things. Those words are your Soul-Building Words, and he is your husband. You could never hear them too much!
I’ll bet even from me, you can feel some comfort when I say, “I appreciate you for speaking up for yourself here.” “I’m listening to you. “You matter.”
Let those words sink in, then realize that the voice you are hearing is your own, and it feels good to even hear yourself say those words. That’s because you really do matter! Ultimately you are the most important person in your life and the one who needs to think so to feel at peace with yourself. Appreciating yourself and listening to your own thoughts and feelings, and sharing them with others who find it easy to listen, will remind you that you really do matter just as you are.
It also might be possible that your husband simply may not think of saying those things or know that they matter to you. He may think you already know he appreciates you. If that’s so, and if your relationship with your husband is at all intact, you might consider having a heart-to-heart conversation and telling him exactly what you need to hear to feel loved. He may be relieved to know that those few words could help him become a more perfect husband. Then you could find out what his Soul-Building Words are. They might just be, “You’re perfect!”
Thank you for this honest, gentle, and humbling reminder that words have power, and actions speak as loudly or more so. We have the ability to lift others with our words and deeds, and sometimes it’s the smallest moments that make the biggest difference.
Your examples of what we *should* say (instead of focusing on what *not* to say) was most helpful and will probably be printed and posted in many households today. Thank you for that. For those wanting more tips on raising kind kids (and helping adults along the way), we have a lot of resources in our Big-Hearted Families™ program: http://www.doinggoodtogether.org/bigheartedfamilies/
Thank you for your loving and encouraging words and for the very important work that you do! Thank you for being such a positive resource for parents!
Oh yes, I sooo needed to read that today. I felt tears well up this afternoon at the anger that came up in me when “things didn’t go my way” in a situation and I felt like I was wasting my time when she didn’t want to do an activity I had set for her to do … And I spent a lot of money doing so. My daughter was sooo caring when she saw my sadness. She cuddled me and grabbed me a tissue and talked to me softly and kindly. She’s three. I guess she’s learned that from somewhere and seeing as she’s always with me, I’m guessing she’s learned it from me so I can’t be all that bad. I find myself doing exactly the same thing as you mentioned, especially with her hair as it’s curly and if it’s not brushed, it ends up matted until the next shower where i can use conditioner to de-tangle. I must admit, I took a different approach on that this morning too as I suggested she wash her hair in the shower and I saw a similar thing happen as what you mentioned. The one I don’t know how to deal with is the teeth as she likes to do her own. I’ve suggested she do it and then it’s Mummy’s turn but more often than not, it doesn’t work once it comes around to my turn. If I was to go day after day letting her do it, her teeth would end up with holes and I would be so annoyed with myself for not looking after them on behalf of her. I guess I can try it for a day or so and then see if she just hands the brush back to me otherwise I’m going to have to find another method of letting me do them. Thank you. XX
We turned teeth brushing into a song to count them all (1 little, 2 little, 3 little teethies. 4 little, 5 little, 6 little teethies. 7 little, 8 little, 9 little teethies. 10 little teeth on the top. *Swallow/Spit* and do the bottom.) I would also sometimes talk about looking for “sugar bugs” that might be hiding and how we had to brush them all away. You can ask her to spit after brushing and ask if she sees them. Singing the song also gives my son a predictable time constraint to the activity. It doesn’t always work but mostly of the time it did. My son is 4 1/2 and I brush his teeth at night while he is allowed to brush them in the morning. I hope
Thank you, Katelyn. I so appreciate your honesty and for sharing your struggles. Just to know that we are not alone brings hope where there was none. Your messages fuels me to keep writing and sharing, even when my hand shakes over the “publish” button. Please keep me posted on your progress, my friend.
Thanks Rachel. I’ll keep you posted. As I mentioned in a reply to Katelyn, things have changed over the last few days and it’s become easier and I must say, I AM slowing down a little and looking and dealing with every situation VERY differently. I’m not sure if that’s helped by the fact that she’s being an angel lately or it’s fuelled by your lovely words that I read on a regular basis. What I do know is that when I’m in those moments where I don’t know what to do and she’s being a monster, I’m sure subconsciously people like you enter my head with the constant words I read and absorb. It certainly helps to read them and know that I’m not alone and I certainly aren’t in predicaments that some people are in. THAT makes me feel very, very grateful! Rachel, you must be exhausted responding to everyones responses AND keeping up with your ongoing stories as well! You are doing a wonderful job at reassuring so many women and sparking something within us all. You are amazing. I just hope it doesn’t take it’s toll on you. Your very words of “slowing down” and “taking time out” must be difficult for you to adhere to with so many posts to respond to! Take care.
Thanks for replying Katelyn. That’s a really good piece of advice about turning it into a song. I do the counting thing (aloud) but only if I can get the brush into her mouth. I’m not sure if it’s from reading Rachel’s posts that have helped make me feel more calm and helped me deal with things differently but over the last few days, my three year old daughter (only child) has been a dream … Over the last month, it seemed like there was another being in her body. When she got upset, she’d turn into a demon. She wanted to clean her teeth by herself which I would always let her do but then when it came to me doing it, she would say “it’s my turn”, over and over again. Then when she finally gave up on that one, she’d run away and hide her head … it was a game for her and she’d giggle through the whole process. I tried playing along with it and that didn’t work. I tried being stern (but not horrible), and that didn’t work either. She’d just giggle more. In the end I’d get cross with her as we’d run out of time and always be late to things. The last few days, it’s been a whole different kettle of fish. She’s been quite happy to sit there and let me brush away. My only reasoning behind it all is that we’ve been toilet training and it’s caused a lot of confusion in her little brain and there’s a sense of needing that independence too in the whole process. I really put these things down to spikes in their brain development … That keeps me going and stops me from getting angry … Most of the time. Sometimes I have to get cross but if she has these spikes and turns into a monster, I just sit there and let her get through it, even if it takes an hour. She’ll then say “I’m sorry” once she’s calmed down and give me a cuddle. Thank goodness we’re through the phase that we were in over the last month … For the time being. I have time to breathe until the next onslaught. They’re funny little things aren’t they? Thank you again for sharing your wisdom.
O my goodness did my heart need this today. Seriously, it’s as if you wrote the entire thing after watching my household. Thank you for the reminder. :o)
What a great read to start my morning Thank you!
I was a manager of a mother, too, and I didn’t learn better until my only child was pretty old. I feel sure I left some scars, though my wonderful college youth actually reassures me that he always felt the love. I’m a lot more easy going now, so I guess my grandchildren will get the benefit.
So beautiful. Thanks for writing this piece. I’m going to repost it because I think every parent, every teacher, every person could benefit from taking moment to choose their words with the intention of making the world a better place.
I love traveling with the same intention – enjoy the journey with your kids and value that they see it differently. The 46 cats we counted in one day in Morocco wasn’t even on my radar but now I will never forget – not the cats, that all look the same to me, but the true delight in which they were discovered. The cats were part of the journey for my kids and part of the joy of that trip. I’m glad I savored it instead of forcing them to see something that I thought or travel books thought they should.
All words make a difference. May we choose them that make a GREAT difference.
Happy life travels,
Natalie, The Educational Tourist
Thanks for this posting. I spent my first 5 years of parenting the same “ugly” way and remember always a perpetual cycle of a feeling of anger followed by remorse about my anger and reactions. I read a similar-themed blog that was shared on FB about a year ago and it honestly snapped me out of it when I read how easy it was for this other mom to change her attitude and turn things around for herself and also her family. I’m happy to report that I have fairly easily created a new habit of patience and kindness towards my kids and can’t remember the last time I flipped over something as trivial as endless mess of crafting debris, choice of clothes, boots left astray at the front door, etc. I notice a huge change in my kids’ confidence and in my own happiness. I only wish I had snapped out of it sooner…But it’s never too late! Thanks again — great reminder 🙂
Thank you. I am a perfectionist…a control freak…a manager. My goal for the past year has been to simplify my life, and prioritize my “tasks” to be more present for my family….this post really spoke to me. It’s so hard to let go of the “go go go” lifestyle that I’ve become accustomed to but the reward of letting go little by little has been well worth it.
One thing I found difficult to ‘let go of’ was dressing my daughters. I wanted them to look ‘cute’ and have adorable – trendy ensembles. I quickly realized this was HER statement, not MINE! The joy she finds in picking out her clothes, no matter how uncoordinated they end up being is her heart showing through and I LOVE IT! She is now 7 and often asks if I think things look ok. I might make a recommendation with WHY something might match a bit better (needing a solid with a pattern instead of ALL pattern) but for the most part I tell her it looks AWESOME! The pride in her eyes is AMAZING! Thanks for a GREAT post – we have ALL been there!
Oh what impact this has had on me. As my children are almost grown, I feel the twinge of regret for past actions & their effect on them. I only hope that as they grow, they give me some grace & remember the times I did stop & give them uplifting words instead of rushing & controlling each task each day. Will be focusing on uplifting words for each from this day forward. Thank you for the wake up call.
My baby is 20. I was young when I had him, but not terribly so. He was the first of many and as I learned to parent better, I learned to parent him through the lens of guilt. If you have been this mom, who courageously shared, forgive yourself too. There is no do over. Just forgiveness and love. Guilt heals nothing. Wonderfully written piece and a message I cannot hear too often. <3
Now they are great words of advice added to the already brilliant blog post. Thank you for sharing. I will remind myself when the guilt creeps in … Which maybe it won’t now due to this post and your added words. :0)
Thank you so much for your post today. The courage it took to share behavior that you are not proud of is inspiring. I too was moved to tears while reading your words. I too could see myself far to clearly in your description. My kids are grown adults now and I often wonder how I have hurt them with my need for control. I find myself praying that the Lord heal them from any hurt I caused them and to bring to their minds the moments that I did things right. I have been working on letting go of control in all areas of my life. It is a slow and difficult process but I can see improvement. Thank you for your open honesty and for following what the Lord put on your heart!
How special. This something everyone should read!
Wow, This post hit me hard and has me with tears in my eyes. What a wake up call of a post to get right now at this “busy” time of year. I needed this today. Thank you.
I have recently discovered your blog and have time to truly love it. As I was reading this particular post felt like I was reading about my day to day life,2 daughters and all. It really hit home and exactly summarized what I have allowed myself to become. I am challenging myself to take the same approach and see what a difference it will make in the lives of my family. Thank you for sharing this post.
I’m crying tears of guilt and of gratitude at the same time. Thank you so very much for this post. Just last night I messed up with my sweet two year old boy and today I vow to sincerely apologiz to him and promise to do better next time. Thank you for the phrases to say. I will start using those today.
Wow. I really know I need to work on this. I am sure my kids notice when I rush them or just do something myself because it will get done faster. When I step back and let A buckle Tiger in next to her or listen to her tell me stories of her day, or really just listen to E tell me how she’s feeling about the friend drama of the day from school, all while just holding her hand, I know that every little bit is helping…but I can be so much better. It’s a goal. Thanks for reminding me. I saw so much of me in that post.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I could have wrote this. I have been stuck in this mode for so long and I hate it. This has shown me myself and I hope it will lead to real change. For the sake of my sanity and the hearts of my children. Thank you.
If I wasn’t at work I would probably be crying. It’s hard to hold back the tears when your heart hears what your mouth and actions have said. This is me. I’m working and trusting God to move me through this part of life. The constant struggle with getting it all done and keeping it all together is more than anyone can handle, yet, I force it on myself and my family. Thank you for the honesty. Praying for more conscious parenting that allows everyone to be free.
I could have written this post myself, if I was as eloquent. Right down to the hairbrushing, “no we don’t have time for you to do it” and how my son (his hair is a little on the long side) always leaves the back. He is only four, I am a single mom, and sometimes really wonder how I produced someone so inherently different to myself (although he did get my stubbornness) Recently, ok today, I was thinking and wondering where the loving mother went. I mean, I wanted this little guy so much, and now, here I am, marching up and down, barking orders like a headmistress. Thank you so much for this post, and all of your posts. Tomorrow is another day and it is a day for new beginnings x
Wow! What a powerful post. I am embarking on the same metamorphosis. Thank you for sharing and I have learned so much from your journey!
Dear Rachel,
As always, your post hit home this morning literally describing our mornings on more than one occassion. Truth be told, I often ask them to do the best they can and if it’s not perfect, off they go anyway. There are other battles to be fought in our world….
I just want to thank you for your words, your moments, your strength of character and the ability to touch us, teach us and give us the strength to go back and try again when they come home from school, before they go to sleep or even the next day.
We all have our individual battles and trying to be the best at all of it leaving not a minute to spare. The happiness we find now in our lives are simple moments, short as they may be but they are ours. My daughter continues to struggle with her anger but as a family she and I and her sister continue to work at it…I just want you to know that many days you are my rock, your book next to my bed, your print hanging on my wall are often the reminders to catch myself, stop the negative self talk, rethink my gut reaction….I have a long road to travel and I hope they don’t grow up too soon for me to learn all they have to teach me.
Thank you…. Thank you…..
I am so touched by your words, Lori. I will never forget them. Thank you for letting me know. I am grateful.
This made me stop in the middle of my work day and cry. Every day I tell myself I will be kinder, gentler less managerial and EVERY day I fail, usually before 8:30 am. I am so discouraged and just feel like a meanie. My fuze is so short these days and I can’t seem to shove the frustration down before I say such harsh words. I so appreciate reading what you write and I hope I can become a little bit more like you before its too late. Thank you for taking your time to help us all a little bit.
I say the same thing every day, too, Christina. It’s really hard, especially being a working parent. I also struggle with kids activities. They want to do them, want to be there, but don’t understand the “do homework, change clothes, and go because we need to be on time” thing. I guess we’re all just working through this. Just like the kids’ activities, practice makes perfect, and all we can do is keep trying!
Man, talk about hitting home. I don’t have children yet, but I can totally see myself turning into a manager when I do have them – because that’s what I do. I’m a manager, a perfectionist, etc. I’m bookmarking this so I’ll remember when the day comes. And in the meantime, I’m going to look for those words that will make my husband feel more valued. Thank you for sharing!
Lovely! Your posts ans especially the poetry is lovely…thanks for writing!
Thank you, Vibha, for noticing the poem and commenting on it. This is pure love to my writer’s heart who has been writing poems all my life and now feels so blessed to be able to use this God-given gift to help others.
As you were before – that was and still is – me. I needed to read this, for my own sake and for the ones I love and all too often “manage”. Thank you for sharing , so eloquently.
Simply, I want to say….
Thank you for writing this…..
The tears are now flowing, but I am so glad for that, and I am a better mama already for having simply read it.
I have been struggling with how to accept my “new” husband after his stroke. Physically he looks normal. Cognitively he is not close to the man he was before. I have had to take over all decision making as well as all daily tasks. There are days I lost my patience and am sure if iblooked at myself in the mirror it wouldn’t be pretty. Your article has given me some ideas about how to give the poor guy a break and let go of my pity party. Thank you.
I cannot imagine the challenges and uncertainties you are facing, Barb. I will be praying for strength, patience, and clarity as you care for your precious one. On hard days, use this for encouragement: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/17/three-words-for-the-critic-in-your-head/
I see myself in everything you write about how you were “before”. I am a Grumpy Manager – although Angry Dictator feels more appropriate this week. With a birthday party and Christmas coming up, and financial worries, my “everything has to be perfect” mindset has made me a miserable person to be around. I can’t even stand myself. I am about 3/4 the way through your book, and it so inspires me to be a better mom… But I still just don’t know how to get from point A to point B, let alone point Z. I’m struggling. I know I need to look for hairbrush moments. Thank you for what you do.
This post hit me hard too, like many of the previous readers have indicated. I am SO the manager of my house! I try very hard to chill out in the evening, but the mornings are a struggle. My child is a ‘noticer’ too, but I have virtually no patience for the piddling in the mornings. And again, is the rushing really necessary in the big scheme of things – not likely. I’ve started to thank myself for the ‘issues’ that arise because they help me realize that my rushing is almost never worth it. But in the middle of it, it’s often hard to be that introspective. Again, another timely reminder that we’re raising people and not project managing! A beautifully articulated post that may be in my top 10 you’ve written! And please never hesitate to share your stories even if you believe they might be self deprecating – chances are, there are hundreds of others of us that are guilty of the same thing. We’re never alone in our ‘parent – fail’ moments, but thanks for showing us that our short comings can turn into growth opportunities!
Rachel, my Facebook friends have begun to count on me forwarding your blogs. I feel as if you have an open window into my life, the one I try so hard to control and yet never seem to be able to. I feel as if God placed you in my life to remind me to slow down, focus on what matters, and be OK with it when I fail. God bless you.
Thank you so much, Roy. I so appreciate your loving words and your help in spreading the Hands Free message to others. It is truly my greatest gift.
I almost wasn’t going to open this post. Why? Because I have so much to do!! And my kids are grown and gone!! But I did open it and I did read it. Did I recognize myself in the past? I did. Did I recognize myself now, still? Gulp…..I do! I still do it to my daughters………….if they did this or that, my way, it would make their life so much easier, I think. And say.
So, I’m re-posting it on my Facebook page. Is that OK to do? I want them both to read it and maybe any other Moms I know might read it too. Almost all Moms need to read it.
I live in the North East and the pace of life here is very, very fast and we hardly notice it. And for what? I have no idea. We surely don’t get anywhere faster or do things better than anywhere else! I’m going to have to print this and re-read it often.
Thank you, Rachel, for the wake-up call.
Peggy
I would be grateful if you share it, Peggy! Thank you so much for helping to spread the message of hope so someone else doesn’t feel alone in his or her struggles.
I sit reading this post with swollen eyes and tired emotions and body. I cried in the car to my mom in the parking lot of Starbucks about how I wanna run away sometimes. I homeschool 3 boys and feel so isolated from the world. I feel like I am a spectator of my own life. this morning I woke with feelings of hoplessness- I battle perfectionism and try to avoid the mirror like the plague- it screams ugly this=ngs back at me- I have no peace- I follow Christ so peace is available- I just don’t know how to sit at His table and receive the peace I need to get thru the day. Im tired of surviving and managing every detail of my family and house. Im TIRED.
Hi Melissa, your words make my heart hurt and I would very much like to offer you some hope to hang on to. Sandra Blackard, Author of “Say What You See For Parents & Teachers” is an award-winning author and parenting coach and she provided these hopeful tips when I posted “The Bully Too Close to Home.” She has helped countless readers of my blog with specific challenges. You can email her using the info below and she will provide specific steps for you to get started on your way back to joy. She provided these tips for strengthening or rebuilding relationships with children and yourself:
• It’s never too late to turn around your relationship with your child. A key factor in your relationship with your child is your relationship with yourself. When you become aware that you want or need help, or believe your child might, trust your instincts and DON’T WAIT! Help is available in the form of books and professionals such as coaches, counselors, therapists and doctors. They can help you bring love and understanding to yourself and your child and provide tips and tools for keeping your relationship intact.
• To rebuild or strengthen your relationship, the first step is ALWAYS connection. This step helps you understand the child’s perspective, underlying motivation, wishes and intentions while helping you remain objective and calm. Listening, observing and objectively describing what you see and hear is the easiest way to start. Avoid judgment, criticism, questions and advice while connecting. Hugs, play wrestling and other forms of physical contact also bring connection.
• Children don’t think like adults, but this doesn’t mean the way they think is wrong. You can consider childhood as the testing phase for cause and effect logic to a child anything really is possible. What they tell you is a window into that world – the world where fantasy becomes discovery. You can provide facts as a child requests, but remind yourself to listen with wonder, not skepticism.
• Acknowledge children’s good intentions, especially when things have gone badly. Your child’s good intentions tell you who your child really is. The accidents and problems that their actions may create are valuable learning experiences that you can use to help the child achieve their goals and fulfill their intentions. It takes a while to figure out how this world works. Your job is to be their guide.
• Children welcome do-overs. Do-overs really do rebuild connection. Blame and “I told you so’s” are not part of a do-over. Do-overs are all about seeing the child’s point of view, apologizing for your emotional explosion or mistake, and working together to solve the problem that set it off. Even though you would prefer to catch yourself in the moment or stop yourself before you started, do-overs can be your saving grace – now and always. Do-overs let children (and us) see who we really are – a loving, understanding parent who sometimes forgets themselves when feeling mad. But the loving, understanding one is the real one, and our kids know it. They hate it when we disappear and they can’t reach us (that’s the tears), but they remain surprisingly ready to welcome us back. It’s up to us to take the first step.
Sandra Blackard and her colleagues have kindly offered their contact information so people can reach out directly to them about issues they are facing.
If you feel like there should be something you can do to turn things around but you don’t know what it is, feel lost, stuck or overwhelmed, contact:
Sandra, parenting/life coaching: http://www.languageoflistening.com
If you feel hopeless like nothing you do will ever work, or if you or your child(ren) are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, attention problems, self-inflicted injury, suicidal thoughts, or are simply wishing for healing, contact:
Theresa, PhD, licensed psychologist: http://www.theresakellam.com
Thanks for the encouraging response! I will take action using the info you so graciously and tenderly provided.
After I read the intro to your post, I couldn’t believe that there was another mother out there like me… And then I hung on every word as I read the full post. Such hope you bring to those of us who wonder if things could ever be different! What I need is practical techniques that I can use to create something different, and you provide those. I am grateful to hear of another’s success with change, and the fruits of your labor are sweet , open, trusting relationships with the most important people in your life. That is what I want to get back to, too, like you did. I CAN do this too…
This is so beautiful and soulful and wise. One thing I do wish, that you would not be too hard on yourself. We make the best choices we can with what is in our hearts, and when we know better, and feel better, we do better. Maybe in working to nurture your family more, you found a way to give yourself the nurturance you needed. In any case, I will be carrying your wonderful words with me today, for contemplation and inspiration.
Thank you so much for sharing this. The 5 words are particularly poignant and penetrating my heart. For the last 12, almost 13 years of parenting I have tried cramming my way down my kids’ throats… and most of the time it makes things worse. After struggling with learning issues for, well, forever, my oldest recently told me that he knew he was different from other people a long time ago, but I just wouldn’t listen. Ouch. Now we’re letting him (with some guidance) do things in a way that works best for him with much more success than he’s ever had with “our way”. Thank you again for the reminder that our little people are their own people.
My God, My God. …in what mysterious ways you work! I am SO very thankful to have read this today. You have spoken to my heart, my mind and my soul. I am grateful that you that the writer has spilled her guts in such a way, it makes me ashamed in who I’ve become but excited of who awaits. The once “calm, cool & collected” lady has become a manager and a micro manager and I am striping myself of such titles TODAY. The 3 sweet babies we have deserve so much more from me and I can’t wait to see them light up with joy from my 180 degree change. Habits are hard to change but I am willing and ready for the challenge. The light feeling in which you said you feel when you go to bed….I CAN’T WAIT!! GOD BLESS YOU FOR THE HELP OF THIS ARTICLE!
I loved this post! Thank you for taking the time to share such raw material here. I really appreciate it and it’s obvious many others do as well.
I offer an online class for parents called Empowering Children: The Key to Genuine Happiness and Confidence and so many of the parents had commented on how often they hold off on giving their child control, power and independence because they (the parent) needs it!
The visual you shared of looking yourself in the mirror and seeing what your daughter was seeing had such an impact on really making me think of how often that’s what kids see in their parents: the furrowed brow, the disappointment, the rush, the frustration, etc. I know I’m definitely guilty of it too at times.
Being able to step back and let go a bit to allow our brows to un-furrow, our minds to be quieted, and to allow our children to attempt what we think we do so well is really where confidence builds in kids and we can truly begin to enjoy this journey the way we should.
If you’d like to pass on the information about this online class to any of your readers, please feel free to do so. The next one begins in mid-January. http://jennyhanlonconsulting.com/blog/events/empowering-children-the-key-to-genuine-happiness-confidence/
Thanks for all you’re doing for parents!
Sincerely,
Jenny Hanlon, M.Ed.
Teacher, Consultant, & Author
Your Family Compass: A Parenting Guide for the Journey
http://www.yourfamilycompass.com
I am stuck in your previous frame of mind. My life is a mess, I feel hopeless and lost and totally overwhelmed with failure. I cannot seem to let go enough to accept my family and their “not my” ways of doing things. When I step outside, it all makes so much sense. Your words make me cry every single time I read them. “Yes, that’s it. I can do that!” But, when I’m there, in the moment, I just can’t seem to find the connection between my heart and my head. I am terrified of the damage I am doing to my sweet little boy, not to mention my relationship (or complete lack thereof) with my husband – which just may be beyond repair.
Your words are so therapeutic for me. It helps me to lower my shoulders just a little knowing that I am not alone in these struggles. That other people have felt these feelings. That maybe, just maybe, there is a light at the end of this dark, seemingly endless tunnel.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your pain and struggles.
Hi T – You are not alone, my friend. There is hope. Sandra Blackard, Author of “Say What You See For Parents & Teachers” often helps me answer reader questions left on the blog. She is an award-winning author and parenting coach with so much wisdom and hope to share. She has helped countless readers of my blog with specific challenges. You can email her using the info below and she will provide specific steps for you. She provided these tips for strengthening or rebuilding relationships with children and yourself:
• It’s never too late to turn around your relationship with your child. A key factor in your relationship with your child is your relationship with yourself. When you become aware that you want or need help, or believe your child might, trust your instincts and DON’T WAIT! Help is available in the form of books and professionals such as coaches, counselors, therapists and doctors. They can help you bring love and understanding to yourself and your child and provide tips and tools for keeping your relationship intact.
• To rebuild or strengthen your relationship, the first step is ALWAYS connection. This step helps you understand the child’s perspective, underlying motivation, wishes and intentions while helping you remain objective and calm. Listening, observing and objectively describing what you see and hear is the easiest way to start. Avoid judgment, criticism, questions and advice while connecting. Hugs, play wrestling and other forms of physical contact also bring connection.
• Children don’t think like adults, but this doesn’t mean the way they think is wrong. You can consider childhood as the testing phase for cause and effect logic to a child anything really is possible. What they tell you is a window into that world – the world where fantasy becomes discovery. You can provide facts as a child requests, but remind yourself to listen with wonder, not skepticism.
• Acknowledge children’s good intentions, especially when things have gone badly. Your child’s good intentions tell you who your child really is. The accidents and problems that their actions may create are valuable learning experiences that you can use to help the child achieve their goals and fulfill their intentions. It takes a while to figure out how this world works. Your job is to be their guide.
• Children welcome do-overs. Do-overs really do rebuild connection. Blame and “I told you so’s” are not part of a do-over. Do-overs are all about seeing the child’s point of view, apologizing for your emotional explosion or mistake, and working together to solve the problem that set it off. Even though you would prefer to catch yourself in the moment or stop yourself before you started, do-overs can be your saving grace – now and always. Do-overs let children (and us) see who we really are – a loving, understanding parent who sometimes forgets themselves when feeling mad. But the loving, understanding one is the real one, and our kids know it. They hate it when we disappear and they can’t reach us (that’s the tears), but they remain surprisingly ready to welcome us back. It’s up to us to take the first step.
Sandra Blackard and her colleagues have kindly offered their contact information so people can reach out directly to them about issues they are facing.
If you feel like there should be something you can do to turn things around but you don’t know what it is, feel lost, stuck or overwhelmed, contact:
Sandra, parenting/life coaching: http://www.languageoflistening.com
If you feel hopeless like nothing you do will ever work, or if you or your child(ren) are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, attention problems, self-inflicted injury, suicidal thoughts, or are simply wishing for healing, contact:
Theresa, PhD, licensed psychologist: http://www.theresakellam.com
Tears are flowing as I am where you were.
Scared to let go but knowing I must. I don’t know where to start, loosing control, appearing foolish frighten me so much. As for getting it wrong, well… The irony is I know I am doing it wrong but can’t seem to stop and change the record , break the habits.
My eldest (6) sounds very much like your eldest and she is very much like me. Her frequent “tantrums” reflect both of our frustrated states, I don’t see the clever beautiful creative girl, instead I see the mistakes that are genuinely made, the constant questions and requests to do creative things as yet something else to add to the list I must complete.
My son (4) is much like your youngest. Well he used to be happy, carefree and the one who made me smile with his cute ways and determination to do things as he wanted always with a smile and a joke and a playful dance. He is currently an angry frustrated little boy because his mum doesn’t play with him much as she is too busy and when she does she cant pretend to be a droid and the teacher in Me can’t let the little mistakes go, the mispronounced words, mis read things etc etc. my husband is very unappreciated and his ways bug me even though they shouldn’t. As for those playful dances – the push my buttons and hold us up and make us late.
I have your book and really need to sit down and read it.
Hopefully the flowing tears and seeing that someone else has been there and can do it will give me the push I need.
Thanks for this post. So well written and so many of us identify with it. I notice the difference too if I take an extra moment to listen, sing along or play with my kids vs just getting them ready and out of the door. Just need to remind myself to do it more.
I’ve bookmarked this post for future reference. I am this mom! The mom you described before she learned better. And I often feel like a failure as a parent. I am the mom who rarely smiles, who barks orders all day, who worries about what needs to be done and makes sure it happens in a timely, responsible manner. I rarely laugh, who has time for that. And playing is pushed to the bottom of the priority list. But all of this is for good reason, I thought. A year ago my husband left us and the divorce finalized five months ago. I’m stressed! I started going to school again, which means tons of homework, I have all the duties of a mother on top of that, and I’m just a little blue. I often find myself making excuses for my behavior like, “Anyone in my situation would act the same” , “One day the kids will understand and they’ll forgive me”, and my favorite, “How else would you all expect me to act in this situation!!” None of these excuses make me feel any better and they certainly don’t help my children. I sometimes wonder if I’m ruining their lives.
I know I put a lot of pressure on my oldest daughter, 12. Emotionally, I depend on her a lot and I’m hard on her when she makes mistakes. Last week I had scolded her when she tried to help out but neglected something else in exchange. I was just so stressed out and worked up, “she got in the line of fire”, I explained. She hadn’t even wanted to come home from school to me. I blew it. Last night I actually told my son, OUT LOUD, that he had a way of sucking all the joy out of the house. What kind of mom says that?! Granted, he’d been bullying his sisters for days and is usually the cause of much of the fighting in the house, but how would any child be able to recover from that? I felt like I had just doomed my son to years of therapy as an adult!
What can I say…every one of your posts feels like you are speaking directly to or about me. I found myself tearing up during this post, because I want to have those calm, peaceful moments with my kids. I feel like a dictator…or drill sergeant. I don’t want to be like that. I want my kids to be happy we are home from school and work…and to tell me all about their day. I try to chill…then their toys need to be picked up, dinner, baths…and the drill sergeant appears. Weekends are not as bad, but I just want peace and calmness. I think that it would be good for my kids also. I love your posts and book, because it gives me hope that I can also make the changes to be a better mom.
Of course I cried reading this because I have such high expectations of cleanliness, order, and efficiency, which is difficult to maintain with five children under ten. I have been trying to schedule less, listen more, play, and relax with each if them; but there are often still times I see their shoulders tense or the tears of shame after they spill or break something. I’ve found that I can’t be everything everywhere and that my family needs me first. This has helped, but I’m still a work in progress. Thanks for sharing your experience!
You have NO idea how much I needed to hear/read this. Just NO idea. Thank you for being real, and brave and raw – because it’s what we ALL need. We all need to take off the mask and admit where we are hurting and frustrated and scared and alone… and FLAWED. I struggle with juggling a full time career, parenting, friend, family and a hurting marriage and I was really able to see some of my flaws. It was a true punch in the gut and a much needed one at that. You blessed me in a big way today – THANK YOU!
I’ve bookmarked this post for future reference. I am this mom! The mom you described before she learned better. And I often feel like a failure as a parent. I am the mom who rarely smiles, who barks orders all day, who worries about what needs to be done and makes sure it happens in a timely, responsible manner. I rarely laugh, who has time for that. And playing is pushed to the bottom of the priority list. But all of this is for good reason, I thought. A year ago my husband left us and the divorce finalized five months ago. I’m stressed! I started going to school again, which means tons of homework, I have all the duties of a mother on top of that, and I’m just a little blue. I often find myself making excuses for my behavior like, “Anyone in my situation would act the same” , “One day the kids will understand and they’ll forgive me”, and my favorite, “How else would you all expect me to act in this situation!!” None of these excuses make me feel any better and they certainly don’t help my children. I sometimes wonder if I’m ruining their lives.
I know I put a lot of pressure on my oldest daughter, 12. Emotionally, I depend on her a lot and I’m hard on her when she makes mistakes. Last week I had scolded her when she tried to help out but neglected something else in exchange. I was just so stressed out and worked up, “she got in the line of fire”, I explained. She hadn’t even wanted to come home from school to me. I blew it. Last night I actually told my son, OUT LOUD, that he had a way of sucking all the joy out of the house. What kind of mom says that?! Granted, he’d been bullying his sisters for days and is usually the cause of much of the fighting in the house, but how would any child be able to recover from that? I felt like I had just doomed my son to years of therapy as an adult!
I know I need to loosen my grip on this control I have to have. Like you, I was always rushing the little ones, criticizing anyone who made us late or got in the way. I am the mom who needs to do the hair because we’re in a hurry or brush their teeth so it’s done right. And I’m constantly harping them about something: not being responsible with their homework, not practicing their piano, not being polite, not sharing…You said it perfectly when you said you could barely stand yourself. I can barely stand myself either! I’m tired of hearing my own voice but I just don’t know how to stop nagging. Sometimes I even tell my kids that if they would only behave, we all wouldn’t have to listen to me like that. I just want to…let go. I don’t want that permanent scowl of my face and the eyebrows knotted together. I want my children to remember me with a smile on my face, not a perma-frown.
So thank you. Thank you for first of all showing that I am not the only parent who has struggled with this. Thank you for showing me change can happen and my kids don’t have to be ruined for life. Thank you for your example. I will need to read this often, but if I could be more like the new you, that would make my household a much happier place. That’s all I want!
You are an amazing writer Rachel, love the way you are able to express your vulnerable emotion in such a compelling and vivid way. I am convinced that you have touched the souls of a majority of mom’s out there, and see no reason for you to feel any pain or horror in describing your evolution. I have a lot of R.E.S.P.E.C.T and admiration for the way you have transformed your life to live in the present with your children and let go of the “manager”.
I try to do that everyday, but sometimes loose it when things get rough. Last week, when my toddler twins were down with the flu, not eating, grumpy and clingy, I broke down and had a mini meltdown myself. Amazingly enough, during one of those moment’s when my son was crying and asking for “mommy” “mommy”, while I was rushing to get dinner on the table, I just turned off the stove. I was reminded of how you are always reminding us to slow down and pay attention to the needs of our children. The next 20 minutes were amazing as I just held my baby boy and we cuddled on the sofa with one of his favorite books. His twin sister came and joined us as I read to both of them and forgot about everything else that needed to get done. I savored the moment with so much gratitude and thanked you silently as I saw the commotion and energy in our room turn into utter love, calm and peace.
I would like to share that your posts have helped me do make small changes in my relationship with my husband. As you accurately described, I may not always appreciate my husband for all the amazing things he does. He is an incredible father & husband, very loving and patient and always willing to lend a helping hand without asking. I am choosing to focus less on the things he doesn’t do well, and more on the love and joy he brings to his family.
This is just what I needed today, another reminder to let go of the daily madness, and take a moment to be thankful for all my blessings. Out twins are the most precious thing in our life and I would like to really spend my time witnessing the tiny miracles they bring every minute.
I have tears in my eyes and a heart full of gratitude and love, now more than ever determined to let go of the small things and focus on what matters 🙂
Namastey!
Thank you for writing this. I recently tried to make a decision for my daughter that should have been her own. I tried to stop her from performing in a musical and doing powderpuff because I felt that she was too busy with school, cheer, piano and voice exams this spring, girl scouts, etc… But I guess this has to be her decision. It seems like her extra curricular activities take up more time than school… and she is taking a challenging course load…And she wants to do ASB on top of all this next year. Was it terrible that I said “don’t you want to sleep? when are you getting your drivers license?”.
Oh how I have been so guilty of this! Not so much the “hurry”…but the appearance part, and having control. I grew up with a very vain mother…everything had to be “just right” when we walked out the door, appearance was everything. I try so hard NOT to be like that with my two precious daughters (now 13 & 10) but its a struggle. Especially with hair. I want it done, I want it cute, combed, flat ironed, curled etc….my hubby loves to tell me “they are kids, it doesn’t matter”. As much as I try to fight it….I do see my own vanity rearing its ugly head, and reaching out to take hold of my impressionable young ladies God has put in my care. My children don’t care how they look in public, that they are wearing name brand clothing, that they have the latest shoes, or that their hair could grace the pages of the newest hair styles catalog. They don’t care….and neither should I. What damage am I possibly inflicting on them by demanding my idea of “perfection”?!?! My daughters are confident in who they are, and happy to just be kids. They may match….they may not. They may have smooth hair….they may still look like they rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago. Why should I care?!?! Thank you for a great reminder of what my goal as a mother should be. 🙂
Thank you. Thank you for being normal. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being willing to be you for the rest of us. It was either my friend Kim or Mishaela that turned me on to your blog. As others have said, it was like listening to myself, or the inside of my head. We try to parent our kids better than we were. We try to overcome the way we were parented. We try to shut off the voices in our heads. Your blog reminds me to take more time. Yep there are days where I yell, where I simply cannot negotiate one more thing after doing it all day (I’m a SAHM, my beautiful son is 3). But I don’t panic about waiting for him to get out of the car. Or asking to brush my hair after I’ve brushed his. Or stopping to pick up the leaf as he hands me the Thomas, the dinosaur and the pillow he had to take to the car. I don’t mind stretching my patience a little bit more. And I thank you for helping me to be a better parent. I’m not successful every day, but I’m more successful more of the time.
Balance is one of the hardest things to learn as a parent. I have sat and sobbed as I have struggled to balance caring for my son, the household, my husband, and me. Thank you for adding a genuine voice to that struggle.
I cannot even describe how much this hits home …. Not only as a mother now, but as the child I once was. I grew up in a household where the response to pretty much everything I ever said or did was “That’s great honey, but you know, what you should’ve done was ….” To this day I have never figured out how to be happy, because nothing ever feels good enough. Even when I want to celebrate an achievement, there’s always that little voice in the back of my head saying “You could’ve done better.”
And without realizing it, I’m now doing the same thing to my 8 and 12 year old. My efforts to teach & guide them result in little more than constant questioning & criticism. In my head, it’s always been my job to show them how to do everything “correctly”, because that’s what good mothers do, right? If I allow them to fail, then it means I’ve also failed as a mother. My entire sense of self-worth has become defined by their successes & failures, or at least my perception of them. It’s so incredibly hard to accept the fact that it’s only through their own failures that they truly have the chance to learn. .
I see myself in them… trying so hard to succeed and please me, but always falling short, because the perfectionist in me can’t help pointing out where there’s room for improvement. I see the defeat wash over them a split second after the words leave my lips—the same second when I instantly regret those words, and begin another round of internal self-bashing and guilt for failing them, yet again. Until eventually, just like me, they just stop trying… why even bother when nothing will ever be good enough.
I want to be a different mother…. I don’t remember being this way in the beginning, but it has definitely grown worse over time. And now that I’m a single parent, I feel like I have to be both parents too, which only adds to the pressure that I put on myself and my children. It’s a bit like saying I want to teach myself how to speak Russian. I have no idea where to begin or how to go about it, because I have nothing to use for reference… other than this blog.
Thank you so much for putting yourself out there in the most honest and real way possible. At times when I feel like the desire for change is hopeless, you give me the strength to try again tomorrow, to want to be a better person. I hope I still have time …
This is my reality. It’s been hard for me to admit it but I’ve spent the better part of the past 2 months trying to turn things around and relax. As I sit here reading this post, I’m sobbing. I feel like I’ve focused too much on a schedule and “managing” and less time paying attention to my 2 perfect little girls, time that I’ll never get back. It’s never too late and that’s why I’m making it a point to be better – a better mom, a better wife, a better human being. My husband and I are trying for a 3rd and final child and I vow to have this corrected. It makes me sad that I actually have to “work” at something like this but your post left me hopeful and optimistic. Thank you for bearing your faults and inspiring all of us to “do better”…I’m very excited about being able to say the same.
I read this morning as I paused in my before school management duties to have breakfast, a second coffee. After reading instead of making breakfast and calling my two boys to the table I asked if they wanted to get breakfast themselves. I had two blank faces look at me like a freak, but then smiles crept in. It took a little longer and there is a bit more to clean up but my 5 year old is happily eating cucumber he cut, with some help, by himself and my 6 year old is munching cereal in a cup on the couch. The 6 year old chose not to add milk he told me “Mama I really don’t like milk with my cereal”. Both boys are laughing while eating, I can’t recall the last time there such relaxed laughter at breakfast. Thank you 🙂
This brings me so much joy. Thank you for sharing. You have fueled my writing like nothing else!
This was a very touching post. Like so many others, I am also crying after reading this. I read your book January of 2014 and looking back at this past year I have changed so much. I’m still not where I want to be, but I am able to recognize when I’m prioritizing my list over those I love. As a busy mom who has so much to get done it was easy to justify ‘managing’ to use time ‘most effectively.’ Since starting my own hands-free mama journey my to-do list is now what I want to teach my children that day (such as kindness or service…and teaching by gentle example instead of just commanding) and how we’re going to spend our time…usually including crafts that I wouldn’t have wanted to do because of the time it takes to clean up, or playing outside together which I wouldn’t have wanted to do because I would want to use that time for them to amuse themselves outside while I knocked out the items on my old to-do list. I have adopted “Excuse the mess, we’re busy making memories,” and “This house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy.” My children are so much happier. My biggest drawback has also been when there’s a time-crunch such as school so this post was helpful in bringing more joy into the journey! I want to thank you for your book and you posts.
Thanks for sharing, so much of this is very true in my home as well, I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be fun, how to have fun as I to am just so busy all the time being the house manager 🙁
I really enjoyed your post!! My kids all grown up but I am going to share with them!!! Thank you!!! I will use this in my life!!!
I need to take this in. I am a playful fun person. But as mom, I am the task master. I grow weary of it. I’m not sure how to balance the managing that is required to get them to school and to ensure we live in a remotely decent environment, but I really, really want to rush them less. I want to praise them more. Thanks for this.
This hit me like a lead balloon. I am always riding my granddaughter about her messy room. I was in the middle of reading this as I walked past her room that had s few things out of order while she lounged on the living room sofa after school and caught up on her episodes of Dr. Who.
I decided to sit for a couple of minutes and finish reading this article. I was convicted and instead if making her turn off her program to go and pick up her room…. I decided to let her do it in her own time. She turned it off shortly after that and went down to strum on the guitar… that is the hearts desire of this fun-loving, jovial, 13 yr old grand-daughter!
This is a very interesting post. I am a total control freak and I have come through exactly the same thing as you. I am trying to let go. Cleaning, cooking, dressing, etc. The problem is I still boil inside because secretly I do believe my way is simply BETTER 😛 Usually the cleaning method keeps e boiling inside.
I just keep thinking about how my mother was – exactly this control freak I wouldn’t want to be and I snap back to being a compassionate human being.
My mother would be brushing my hair and pulling me very hard. I would move and shriek and she would scream at me and occasionally hit me with the brush to the head, I would cry and stand still sobbing. Until we went to some holidays and her friend saw her do my hair. She held her by the hand and told her – “do you actually realize you can give your child brain damage over couple of knots and a principle?”.
My mother cried so long then standing with the brush and looking at us in the mirror.
She stopped to brush my hair from then on…. but she never stopped being that control freak and I hated her and I was feeling less than acceptable all my life.
She would also go to tell me “you are beutiful, if it wasn’t for your bad nose and bad teeth”. I remember what a bad taste in my mouth it always left…. that second you think your mother genuinely is going to give you a complement… just to bring you down.
I have two small girls and I made it extremely important in my life to make them feel loved and beautiful and praised for everything they want to do. And to the point of my limited funds I want to expose them to all the dreams they have of trying new things such as skates, skiis, etc. (My mother told me I am a warm head and should not do anything because I cannot stick with anything).
There are things I know I should improve. The cry of my older daughter (4) makes me want to shake her or hit her or scream at her (because that is what my mother would do when I cried). Interestingly the younger daughter doesn’t cause this reaction in me…. I suppose when I had her I already went through understanding that kids don’t cry to annoy us, they do it because they genuinely need support.
I usually am able to control myself and comfort her and discuss with her… but on the days when I feel particularly miserable myself (tired, hurting, unloved) I find a guilty pleasure in screaming at her to make her cry even more… to give her an actual reason to cry…. because the reason to cry over me giving her a water when secretly she wanted milk but wanted me to read her mind and said water is not a reason to cry…. so HERE IS AN ANGRY MOTHER AND A TRUE REASON TO CRY.
And then she drops on the floor, curls up and cries and I cry inside for seeing her cry for real.
Ehhh :/
My mother really did break me… and I wish I have enough strength in life to control myself and do it as little as possible. However, I am afraid of the teenage years :/
I just sat through this post and cried. You have no idea how much this post was meant for me today/this year. I really don’t even have words to express what this made me feel. It was like you crawled inside my head and took notes. Thank you for being so honest and raw. This was painful to read but I really needed to hear it. Best thing I’ve read online in months.
Thank you for this post and for pointing me toward Dr. Shefali. I had never heard of her and I spent some time today watching her videos online and then ordered her books. I have been crying off and on for hours. My daughter is 2 1/2 and I desperately want to be the mom she describes. My daughter is a gift to us and this world and I don’t want to damage her with my own baggage that causes fear, anxiety and stress and results in conflict between the two of us and me losing it. I want to connect with her and have a truly amazing relationship. Thank you so much for your post and for the resources you pointed me to!
Allyson, this means a great deal to me. I am so thankful you checked out Dr. Shefali’s site and books. They are LIFE-CHANGING. Please keep in touch and let me know about the progress you are making. There is so much hope in your heartfelt message. Tomorrow is truly a NEW DAY. I see a very positive change in your future, my friend.
Darn it, now I’m crying again. 🙂 Thank you so much, Rachel.
I know it is not the point of your article, but I remember my mother working on the “rat’s nest” at the base of my neck. She always threatened to cut off my beautiful long hair, but she never did. She took the time to fix it with as little pain as possible. Even though it could be a bit uncomfortable, I enjoyed spending that time with my mom. As the mother of 3 boys, the only “hair” I did was giving them a buzz once in a while. I did enjoy that time with them as well.
Hi Rachel, I’ve been following your blog and I find a lot of your articles speak to my own situation. But this one really tops them all. Though I’m not the parent but rather the grandmother doing my daughter’s role. My daughter and her husband went abroad and left their 3 kids ages 5, 6, and 7 under my care. At first I didn’t want to take on the responsibility. But seeing how stressful theit life has become because my daughter has become the manager that you spoke about made me finally relent thinking I could make a better job at raising the kids in a happier and more relaxed and more positive environment. However all my hopes and plans were dashed to the ground because of my husband’s meddling. I didn’t foresee him wanting to take a very active role in thr children’s life and so that’s where my problem now lies. My husband has a type A personality. He wants things done as soon as he gives the order. Every morning I can feel the scowl on my face instead of the smile that I wanted to give the kids. So now I’m at a loss as to how I can change the situation at home.
Your heartfelt honesty, clarity and generosity are greatly appreciated. Although I don’t have any children, wisdom of this caliber is easy to recognize and these gems are universal. I can see how these words and actions can effortlessly translate into improvement in all types of relationships. I will put them to good use immediately. Thank you for this gift.
This is very affirming to me, Althea. I do try to write with the hopes that my experiences and learnings can be applied to all relationships and in general help people become more connected to each other and to what matters most. I appreciate your thoughts so much.
I am still hoping my mother will find a way to come to the same realization you did. After 35 years she continues pulling my hair, barking orders and wasting precious time to make wonderful memories.
My older brother took his own life 3 years ago after an extended argument between he and my mother has escalated. An awful tragedy no mother should experience and yet she still forsakes the small moments we should be sabi ring in exchange for continuously trying to fit her family into a box we were never meant to fit.
Thank you for your beautiful story. You give me hope.
Thank you for sharing your story. Do you recommend this book for moms with younger kids (3 years old). I find myself going crazy and screaming all the time now. I know it’s their age but I’m just needing little help. Thank you for taking the time to answer
Oh yes! Definitely. I wish I had read it before my children were born. Actually, the connective approach that Dr. Shefali teaches in her book can greatly benefit any relationship — not just the parent/child one. Thanks for asking.
God has used you so many times to encourage, inspire, and challenge me. I am on the journey away from perfectionism and control and hurry! I’m amazed at how far God’s brought me and sometimes defeated at how far I have to go. Thank you for being a cheerleader on that road, and for sharing your own journey. My daughter is a Noticer, and the offer of doing something her way (plus the rarely-heard “I will wait for you”) is life-giving to her, as well. Thank you for the reminder today!
I really appreciate your loving words, Debi. Thank you so much for sharing this. God bless you!
This is just beautiful, and I hate to admit how much it sounds like me. My attitude. My responses. My life. Even my children (artistic, self-critical, thinker oldest, and world observer, slow-moving, sensor youngest) and my hard-working husband, trying to show me how to be gentle and calm
Thank you for sharing your story, and your five words. I think they’ll come in handy, after they’ve become a habit.
That’s my homework for…however long it takes.
What a brave post – thank you, Rachel. As usual, I can really relate to your journey from perfectionistic manager to relaxed human being. 🙂 The Hairbrush Offerings that I’m currently practicing are:
-to always look up from my computer or book when my husband is speaking rather than half-listening and multi-tasking (he always chooses his words carefully, so the least I can do is listen!)
– to take my time reading and responding to comments on my blog, rather than just rushing through them. I want to really absorb what people are saying and then respond and express gratitude for their readership.
– to spend time writing in my journal and listening to myself each morning
Happy holiday season to you and yours! xoxo
Thank you for sharing this Caroline! This is so helpful to me and others reading. I am grateful to your for all the important work you do and the beautiful, healing message you spread through your writings!
I was so in need of these wake up words… This post was presented to me just at the right moment!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Wow!! What a powerful and convicting post!! I was just telling someone the other day how I struggle with not being bothered when my teens do things differently than I would do them. Sometimes it’s just so hard, but like you said, there is much more joy and peace when you accept the differences and let go of trying to make everything be done your way and FAST! 🙂
Thanks for sharing so honestly.
I am one of those people who read and appreciate good piece of writing but never really care to comment. But this article seems like written for me. It’s great to know, that there are other mums with clenched mouths and controlling self…….taking the merry out of their family’s life just because they want to DESIGN HAPPINESS in their household.
You did the right thing, and more so by sharing it for many other mums. THANK YOU THANK YOU AND MORE THANK YOU.
I often come away from reading one of your posts feeling hopeful and better about the possibilities for growth. But this one is more than that for me. I loved it. And I cried. Because it is so familiar. And change is so necessary. Thank you for this wisdom. I will apply these truths and I hope it will make me a better mother, daughter, sister and friend.
Oh my. Sobbing over here. This is many mornings with my little Noticer. And every time I say “C’mon!” I cringe because I don’t want to kill her spirit. Thank you for reminding me to relax. A lot. And to love.
I’m so sad. My head is hanging low because when you described you, you also described me. I’ve seen it and …. I can’t get away from it. I’m so glad to see that it is possible to change and find a way to see and accept things/life. It’s like I try to hard to be a great mom but it doesn’t matter if my kids are unhappy and we don’t enjoy our time together. I like the analogy of a manager and maybe using that will help me realize that is not the role that’s best for me or my family for me to always play. Thank you for sharing your experience – it gives me hope.
You just can’t believe the timing of me reading this tonight. It is 1 in the morning and I can’t sleep because my 14 year old and I had a heated conversation about how I just need to relax and let them make their own mistakes. Wow, words from a 14 year old with much wisdom. Thank you for sharing your story about this. It certainly makes us all sit back and take note.
I love the ideas in this article!
Thank you so much for this unique post. The way you shared your personal switch in your parenting really touched me. I am going through this transitional stage right now and it’s life changing to let go of the thought that i can control everything. Thank you so much!!!
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. I am in tears because I know this person in myself all too well and I hate it. This is SO far from the Mama I want to be for my little boy! The worse part is that I am not the only dictator in this house. My husband has also become this way and to say our house has become a miserable place to be, would be an understatement. Every night I just want to collapse in tears because I feel like there is so much damaging being done to my son and to our family as a whole. It’s emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and I honestly do not know where to even begin to fix it. I just went through my 5th knee surgery and am left with a permanent and painful disability that makes everyday tasks difficult and sometimes feel impossible. My husband just started a new stressful career change that is requiring more of his time and energy. I feel like our 4 year old has gotten lost in the mix and is treated as if everything he does, just being a kid, is way too serious and an inconvenience to our lives. I see the brokenness in him and I just want to shake myself and my husband to stop this before its too late and we all fall apart. No one works together and no one is appreciated, and yet we seem clueless as to why it’s only getting worse. My pain level makes me so exhausted ALL of the time and I feel like I spend so much time trying to make the household just barely function, that I am just awful to be around most of the time, even for myself. I know my husband has become this way because of me and at this point we are all fueling this. I wish more than anything to fix this before its too late and my little boys soul is just damaged beyond repair. I would give ANYTHING to have even one day without fighting and without tears. I dread the moments we are all under one roof and this is NOT how I want my family to be. This is not how any family should be.. ever. If you are still reading, thank you again for your honesty and thank you for allowing me to get theses difficult words out. I think I am going to forward this article to my husband, along with what I have written. Maybe this will allow a conversation to start and I can only hope he will want to help us fix our family as well.. before its too late. I just feel so lost these days. I wish you and your family all the best in this constant journey to all be happier versions of yourselves!
Jennifer, it’s never too late to change. Recognizing what’s happening is the first step to making changes and healing. Kids are so very resilient – you have time. I will pray for your family that you all come together and find the strength to change and that your body and spirit will heal, too.
Jennifer,
Rachel invited me to respond to readers with parenting questions and concerns. I wrote a general response near the top of the comments, but when I read your comment I just wanted to tell you that despite your pain, who you really are for your family shines through loud and clear. You said you wanted to shake yourself to stop the emotional pain the three of you are experiencing, and then I saw you do just that in your post! You shook yourself awake, just like Rachel!
I was completely moved by your commitment to your family and near tears when you said you were going to forward this post and your comment to your husband. I hope you do and that the ensuing conversations solidify your resolve to change things together so you, too, can become happier versions of yourselves. It is definitely not too late.
In Rachel’s reply to Melissa and T above, she included some things I wrote that you may find helpful. The link is here:
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/12/09/the-manager-in-my-home-the-five-words-that-changed-everything/#comment-599507
love your story and it is a great reminder.
I have a small thing to add. It looks like your child may have wavy/curly hair. That type hair needs to be treated differently than straight hair. I would recommend checking out the curly girl method. Great tips and it might change your child’s relationship with her hair. No more dragging a comb through tangles. Just a thought.
Yes! Thank you so much. Another reader mentioned it too! I will be checking it out for sure. I appreciate that help!
Just beautiful Rachel!!
You are on the other side of the world but I am so thankful for how your life giving words connect to so many beautiful souls…..thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. Merry Christmas to you and your special firefly 🙂
Love this post. Thank you.
Great post! I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes because, well, the past couple of weeks have been rush, rush, rush. I have been beating myself up because I have nothing ready for Christmas. We have been flying from one thing to the next. (And not really enjoying a moment) Last night I was in a meeting and my son was sitting off to one side working on his homework on my i-pad. He was struggling with the headphones and was getting frustrated. I jumped up from my seat to keep him quiet. He backed away from me with a look of fear in his eyes. “Are you angry with me Momma?” “NO!” I whispered. “Let me help you.” But I was frustrated and i know that was written on my face. I felt awful.
My kids have said that I have been very stressed lately. And I have but that does not make it right for me to bark at my kids and husband. No. Somehow I need to make that transition from manager/dictator/ grinch and back to the relaxed and nurturing momma I know I am.
Thank you for sharing about your relationship with your husband. You don’t often mention him or how you apply your ideas to that relationship. I lover your blog and I’m married but don’t have (and don’t want) children, so I apply what I learn from you to my spouse. I’d love to read more!
Hi Rachel, we are travelling to Miami in February, do you know where you book is sold? I would like to buy it in a bookstore in Miami. Thank you.
I really understand so much the things that you say…. really, so much, I feel I really am living like you were living, and I really want to change like you changed. It is incredible what you did with yourself, I congratulate you. Please tell me where I can buy it.
Sincerely,
Tamara
Please answer me to my email.
Thank you so much. Hands Free Mama can be found at Barnes & Noble and many independent bookstores have it as well. I will send this info via email as well. I appreciate your support!
I loved your article. I have to say that I bawled my eyes out because I saw so much of myself in your article. I have 3 kids 17, 12, and 2 and my oldest has autism which is a challenge in itself. However, my need to be a perfectionist and a control freak just create more chaos. My husband calls me the Micro manager and the warden and just last night my oldest stated for the umpteenth time “why are you always so crabby?” I didn’t realize until this morning and reading this article that maybe the problem here is me. I wasn’t even going to click on this article because I felt I didn’t have time to read it, however, it was clear that I was meant to click on this. I read through so many posts of people commenting on your article. It is relieving to know that I am not alone and there are others out there like me, sadly enough. This is going to be difficult to work on for me, but I think its wonderful that you were able to turn things around. I will read this article over and over again for encouragement and will read the rest of the comments when I have the time, as it gives me hope to know that I can change for the better. I already feel like its too late for my oldest, I have damaged him too much. Thank you for your courage to post this article. It is hard to admit to shortcomings but it seems as though by doing so that you have touched so many lives with it and given much hope.
Thank you so much for this post!
I was reading it and saying to myself, ‘that’s me! and I don’t want to be like that.’
It really hit me hard.
Great reminders for enjoying family and life more than we sometimes do.
It’s easy to get caught up in the tasks and get away from the living instead of the doing.
Thank you again!!
Oh my! As I read this I felt my face flush and a lump growing in my throat. I realized that just this morning as I was rushing to get the kids ready for school , I was snippy and micro managing every move they made. Sometimes it takes someone sharing their experiences to step back and really see ourselves in a different light. I need to be more encouraging rather than managing . Thank you so much for sharing.
I just called my husband to let him know that I felt badly for not really paying attention to what he called about earlier. He said he didn’t have time to talk anymore. I hope I never miss those moments when he does again. I’m hopeful that it isn’t just that tomorrow is another day, but the next hour is another hour. Progress and change can begin this minute!
Thanks for this post. Your posts are always life-inspiring and life-changing!
As an honorary auntie to a 4 yr old who is very independent, I have re-read this post many times and will continue to refer to it and put this into practice. Thank you for helping me relate to my “niece” better.
Ugh this could’ve been written by me!! I needed to read this, because I have been especially driving myself crazy lately, but I couldn’t figure out what the root of the problem was, and so didn’t know what to change. Now, the hard part- changing. But I am so ready to be happier and live lighter!
gosh sounds so like myself
As I read this I saw myself a few years ago. Life was overwhelming me and I was just living to get to bed each night. I overheard my daughters talking and my oldest daughter told her sister, just do it like mom said she she doesn’t yell anymore. I stopped in my tracks and realized I had become THAT person! I took a step back and reevaluated things. I realized this was not just my house and I didn’t have to do everything. I let go and asked for help. We all have grown and enjoy coming home! We just get too caught up in doing sometimes we forget to live! Thank you for this post!
Your article brought me to tears. I am quite the control freak and manager. Reading this felt like I was reading about my own life. I thought about how this morning I felt inconvenienced by husband’s change to my morning schedule. I thought about how I hurried my daughter to get her shoes on and get in the car to leave, so that I could avoid feeling so “off-schedule”.
Thank you for writing something so insightful and honest.
Thanks for this inspiring post! Just wondering… I’m a control freak of cleanliness, so for example when my 3.5 y old insists on putting on his shoes by himself, I can’t stand that he touches the soles of the shoes cause they’re dirty. He insists on washing his own hands but uses too much soap and doesn’t clean well… How can I manage giving him the freedom of doing things himself but still remain calm when he doesn’t do them well at all (not just bad by my standards, just generally bad…) and when I freak out seeing dirt, food-crumbs flying all over the floor and so on?
I am a grandmother and was reminded this weekend to “Be Hands Free”. As my sweet 2 1/2 year old granddaughter was jumping in the pile of leaves I took pictures, shot video, laughed and played. When that was done I said “mimi, has to do some work in the house.”, she said “mimi, look.”, we went back a couple of times and then God impressed on my heart, leaves won’t be here next week. I stopped thanked God for bringing this to my mind and played in the leaves and picked some bark off an old tree and looked. Thanks for helping me be a better “mimi”.
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing this empowering post. I am always inspired by your posts, but tonight seemed to particularly strike a cord. I am a 2nd grade teacher at my own 2 children’s elementary school. They come with me to school and are with me after school since my husband works further from the house and the school is around the corner form our home. I have recently been feeling overwhelmed, to the point of almost feeling smothered, as if I can’t breathe because I am so overwhelmed at work and then have zero patience for my own children…the loves of my life–my heart and soul. I feel awful for the mom I have become constantly in a rush and hurrying them along, as well as being the manager, the perfectionist, just to keep everything just so, in order for me to stay afloat. I am soo not happy with who I have become…I resent my husband most days since i have the kids with me 24/7. I know it’s not his fault but the pressure of it all is just too much sometimes. But, your post reminds me what matters most and the letting go and how important that is to my family…the ones the mean the most to me. Thank you for reminding me. I keep little post it notes on my desk with a lot of your quotes…trying every morning to start over and do better. i know one of these days..it’s gonna stick!
What a great article! It’s very spot-on in many cases, but I do want to bring up one thing. After making it through the ’70s and ’80s raising four little ones, I found myself with two teen-age girls and two pre-teen boys. Many times I caught myself flying into a rage for the most minor reason (like not replacing the toilet paper!) I, too, caught myself with nasty looks on my face, and with toxic words coming out of my mouth. At my yearly check-up, my doctor asked me how I was, and I burst into tears. I will never forget the words… “I think you need something to take the edge off…” She put me on anti-anxiety medication, and I have to say it was life-changing. I’ve been on my “happy pills” in one form or another for 20 years, and I only bring this up because sometimes there is a chemical imbalance for whatever reason, and there should be no guilt if taking something makes us a better parent. I am not a pill-popper by any stretch of the imagination, but this has made me more clear-headed, patient, understanding and tolerant in my day to day living, and there’s nothing wrong with that in my opinion.
Wonderful point, BL! Thank you so much for sharing. I have several friends who have greatly benefitted from taking anti-anxiety medication.
Rachel, this has been one of the hardest posts to read here because, as the first commenter says, in it I see the reflection of my own failings. I AM that Mother, that races around to meet a schedule, that doesn’t always stop to notice the little things, that barks orders and loses it with the children on a weekly basis. Just this week I heard my eldest tell the toddler that ‘Mummy wants to be left alone’ and the chore I was doing suddenly felt hollow. I know that if I’m not careful then over time that they won’t come to me with their projects, their stories, their play requests and I will be left exactly as she said, alone. Thank you for continuing to remind me that I’m a work in progress with a long way to go. Please keep sharing x
Thank you so much for sharing this. It was hard to read as I saw so much of myself in your description. Made me wonder how my daughter would describe her mom to someone if they asked her today, or even years from now, when i am no longer here. One day at a time, starting this very moment.
I am a manager. I screamed at my 4 children the whole way to school today. I know I’m toxic but I can’t seem to let go. I try so hard to keep organized. Its the only way for me to survive. You see, my brain is unorganized. There is so much chaos going on, that I tend to overcompensate on the outside. I know its time to do something about it. Thank you for this post. It hit me hard.
I can so relate! When I had a 5-year old, a 2-year old, and a newborn, I had that tight, thin mouth and Hurry-up mode all the time. I actually developed an anxiety disorder and panic attacks, which, in retrospect, were a blessing because this crisis MADE me slow down, and take one minute at a time.
Thank you so much. As I woke up today with a raging headache and an aching heart , my four year completely unaware that mommy is having a hard time. Wondering how I’m going to make it through the day, pouring my coffee I stumbled upon your beautifully written words that rang so true for me the tears began to flow. Just for today, I will slow down, smell the roses, allow others to go at their own pace and style and I will not dictate and order my loved ones around. I will be patient and remember that today matters more than yesterday and I will be kind to myself.
I remember feeling like that — it wasn’t so much wanting things to be perfect, as it was that I was frustrated by anything that interfered with my immediate goals: a broken cup when we needed to get in the car, a crabby child when I needed to get dinner prepared, a difficult question when I was trying to get through the grocery store. Any of these things would frustrate me and cause me to yell at my children and feel despair and desperation. Turned out that I was suffering from a mild but constant form of depression (disthymia), and halfway through our child-rearing years I was diagnosed and began getting effective treatment. After that, I was amazed at how I could cope with setbacks and little frustrations. I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in my adult life.
I still regret the years when my children had to live with a crabby, difficult, explosive mother. I wish I could do them over. But I am so glad for all the good times we had after that, and the great relationships I have with my children (now grown) today.
Wow. That cut right to the heart of the matter for me. I often consider myself a laid back mama of my three little ones (ages 4, 2, and 1) … but I had not thought about the “manager” in me until today. Thank you. I may be laid back a bit, not uptight about the messes or being late, but there’s an element to my mama-hood that is toxic in my huge expectations of my wee ones… Ouch. I still struggle with balancing the “let go and have fun” mama, with the “keep the home in some sort of order and rhythm so there’s peace for my husband when he’s working from home” mama….. I like your post, giving me some words that I’ve been searching for, that will now become a part of my day.. one moment at a time. thank you!
I love this!
Yes, we women are used to managing all the details of life, the small things, so its hard to let go. You gave your daughter a great gift by letting her make her own mistakes and discover her own competency and confidence. Its a great lesson for all of us.
Wow- I could have written this word for word about myself. Literally, word for word. I will save it and read it often. Thanks for the encouragement!
That is so beautiful with so much wisdom. Thank you for sharing ..
Blessings,
Tamara
I’m reading this and suddenly I realize…this is me.
I didn’t really see it before, but this totally sums me up. I’m like this with my three year old daughter. And my husband.
Thank you!!! for writing this!
Great words to live by.
This is so very encouraging to me. I am also a ‘manager’, and often far too in love with efficiency. I often think to myself when I am rushing my kids along “What am I rushing towards?” The next thing? So I can rush through it too? I truly am a grumpy person somedays. And there is no good reason. I will be looking up your book. Some days are better than others, but I’d like to give up control for good. Thanks for sharing.
Sarah
Thank you! Thank you so much. My LO is only a year and a half-but she has her own way of doing things for sure. This post will be carefully tucked away to be read and re-read when I (surely) will need some reminding. I hope it will also help me speak “Soul Building Words” to everyone around me. Eye opening-Really.
Thank you for this gem. I have struggled with perfectionism my entire life. Now, I have been married for 7 months, and I see myself doing some of the same things you mentioned that you did with your husband. Thank you for sharing this because now I know I can work on this now to continue to build a better home for us and our future children. Thanks!
You are a hero for writing this! You couldn’t have described me more perfectly if you had tried. If I ever needed a sign, this was it…starting today I am going to change – thanks to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
WOW!!! This hit me so hard today. I never viewed myself as a manager but while I was reading this blog I kept saying to myself, “Yep that is me!” I too hate the person that I am to my family. I am going to have to pin this article so I can reflect back on it. Thanks for it, it is a life changer!!
I love this post – I find myself agreeing with and knowing that I have done all those “manager” type things – daily, hourly even. Mornings are the worst – I’ve become such a dictator – yelling, faced scrunched, blood pressure up – I want to find peace again and I may start with simple hair brushing. It’s a tiny start it feels like, but a huge hurdle for this “manager”. Thank you for your posts – I love them!
Wow, i could write forever. This time i,ll keep it short. Thank you, i really needed this. You are a special person that i have had the privilege to know for a long time . Not sure if i should fill my face full of tears or a huge smile, well to be honest both . God bless you and yours always, Ron.
beautifully written and so awesome that you made a change. Thank you for sharing. You helped a lot of us.
Thank you so much for this amazing post.
I had this specific discussion with my husband yesterday, that he feels constantly unvalidated and “not enough”, that he feels he has to please me constantly for me to be happy, that I should be thankful for my family instead of trying very hard to get things done… I’ve been trying very hard to be the best I can be for my 3 y.o daughter to grow peacefully and we came to the conclusion that only if you believe, and only if YOU truly ARE what you preach you can bring peace to yourself and to your family members. (my mantra is “fake it until you make it” at the moment). I want to get rid of the “manager” attitude and drop “not today” “when you grow up”…
Your post is a present for me as it came to me at the right time, it gives me to power to carry on, and fake it until I make it.
Thank you so much
I read this morning and just cried. I am that way now, the control manager. Everything has to be done a certain way or I’m completely wanting to pull my hair out. The holidays are here and with the struggles I don’t even know what will come of Christmas for my children because college has bills not where they should be. My fiance is definitely doing all that he can but it’s not easy right now. I have a 15 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. I’m in college full-time maintaining a 4.0, managing the bills, cooking, cleaning, organizing everyone’s schedules and constantly problem solving. This really opened my eyes. I plan to calm myself down, show more love then my irritated nagging and be more nurturing. I know everyone in the house including me would benefit from it. Thank you so much for sharing.
That was such an incredible post! I am truly happy that it was shared with me before my daughter is born. I am recognizing more and more that I am a control person, but I pray to God that He helps me with it and that I can learn how to relax and let my husband and soon my children be their own person and do it their way. I loved what you said about how the way they were doing things was not wrong just not the way you would do it. That describes me. I want to take over because I think I can do it better or more efficient, but I want to put a stop to that and allow my sweet husband and Eleanor to do things how they would do them. This post blessed me, I look forward to sharing it and referring moms from my site (http://whatsoeverislovelyliving.com/) that might be struggling with the same thing. Thank you!
FWIW.
Thanks for this article.
I was married to a Grumpy Manager — your paragraphs describe her manner exactly — for 16 years. I hope for her sake that she has found a new way to approach life.
I’m happy for you that you moved to a different place, a happier way of being. Kiss your husband every day for sticking with you. No one should expect other humans to put up with that kind of toxicity.
Not saying your husband is perfect — maybe there’s reasons he should kiss you for staying with him, too — just saying I wish I had left the first year. :-/
As I was reading this post, my youngest son was beside me. I looked at him and realized that while the other kids were gone, I needed to do something just with him. I asked him what he wanted to do with me. “Make snowflakes” he replied. We just spent a few minutes cutting paper in order to make snowflakes. It was WONDERFUL. Dinner can wait, if I can just cut out a few more snowflakes with my sweet little one. A hairbrush moment for sure. A baby step….
What a beautifull article … You have reminded me of these things aswell … Gratefull aand teary I endeavor to commit these building up words to memory … I have 16 yr and 7 yr old twin boys … My life is one big messy rushy noisy whoooooossh ! 🙂
I am looking forward to being a Mother again and relinquish the manager 😉
Wow…..that’s..ME
My daughter had asked me the same kind of questions, am I ugly, am I dumb, are my legs too skinny and many others same type questions. I finally told her to let me ask the same questions about myself before I would answer her. Her answers back to me were very positive and uplifting. She would tell me I was smart, beautiful, nice and many other compliments. Then I would hand her a mirror and I ask her to tell the girl in the mirror the same positive and uplifting words. Little by little, I would see her doing this on her own and by telling herself nice words, some of the bullying words people had said to her began to be challenged. She the is now a self-confident college student and is able to handle life on her own. One day she told me, she gave mirror to a girl who was saying ugly things to her and asked her to repeat the words to the girl in the mirror and asked the girl how she felt. That girl never bullied her again.
Wow..
This post hit me hard also and brought tears to my eyes because I can relate so much. I have a 2 1/2 yr old little girl who is the absolute light of my life and she has saved me in so many ways. She has given me a purpose when I was starting to wonder what my purpose was in life other than to be a daughter, sister, grand daughter, niece, wife, daughter in law and sister in law. She has filled me up. So you see, where I was saddened at times, feeling empty, angry, impatient and hopeless, she brought me back. She changed me. Where I had no patience, I have much more than I thought I had, for her. More than anyone or anything else. I find myself going slower and telling her to take her time and giving her time. And enjoying our time together. However, that being said, there are many times where I get upset with her when she won’t go to sleep and I want me time, or put on her jacket, or pick something up. I feel myself getting warm and I know it’s coming but I can’t stop myself. Stop from getting mad at her and threatening to take something away or threaten a spank on the bum (which i have done once or twice to snap her out of it). When all I have to do is relax and count to ten and speak kind but assertive. It’s like I’m outside of my body watching myself, thinking, you gotta chill. And same with my husband. You are right! They just do things different than us. That was a moment for me when you said that. I try to manage so much but it’s like I can’t help myself. I am buying your book and starting anew this year. No more stress, anger, anxious and frustrated feelings. I’m gonna chill. Thanks you
I’m crying as this is my reflection I want to get to the point of enjoying them but aomeymes can’t even set my heart to peace, I’m trying tho and I have Hope. This is helping me so much already. Loved this post.
Sitting here in tears….. I am momma to 5 (4 with special needs), work full time, wife to an ADHD husband. I now get it. Thank you. I have spent the last several years being the boss of the house instead of the Mom and wife I should be. This morning my 4 year old went to day care dressed in rainbow tights, black an white long sleeved shirt and a strappy sundress on top. It was 13 degrees. The outfit did not match at all. My skin was beginning to crawl. Then she said “I look beautiful! Can I show my teacher at school my pretty dress?” That’s when I let it go…. She was so beautiful. So original. So proud.
I’ve only recently stumbled upon your blog and Facebook page, but am already wishing I had found you 2 years ago. I have a strong-willed 6 yr old daughter who I seem to struggle with every day. I turn into a screaming monster most nights. I am so tired of apologizing for my actions. Tired of her asking me why I am so mean, why I always yell. But at the same time, I am not breaking down and crying about it. I feel badly, I do, and what I want most in the world is to have a better relationship with her than I had with my own mother. But at the rate we are going I don’t see that happening. And she is SO….just disrespectful, bossy, argumentative, sassy, that even though I know my actions are wrong and over-the-top, they also feel justified. I feel like her dad and I have tried our best to teach her right and wrong, manners, to be a well-behaved child, but all she does is argue with everything we say, doesn’t listen or follow directions., seems to think everything is all about her. (and she has a little brother so this can get especially annoying when she tries to “help” him) was expecting this behavior as a teenager, not a 6 yr old. I just want this cycle to stop and I don’t know to get out of it. 2014 was a rough year, but now on day 16 of 2015….it’s not looking much better. I will continue to read your posts and hopefully with time I can make the changes needed to turn this year around.
Darlene,
Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers who request parent coaching. While yours is not a direct request for help, the pain you are experiencing and your longing for a better relationship with your daughter than you had with your mom are very clear, and I want to let you know that there is hope. Actually more than hope – an answer, for you and anyone else caught in this kind of cycle.
What you described is indeed a self-perpetuating cycle, full of anger and pain for both you and your daughter. I’m so glad you recognize it as a cycle, because the good thing about a cycle is that if either one of you can change one thing, the cycle will be broken and can be replaced by a healthy relationship that includes respectful behavior and appropriate boundaries.
Currently, you are wishing for your 6 YO to break the cycle by changing her behavior, and you are right that it would help you change your reaction. But this is true, too: if your daughter were old enough to think this through, right now, she would be wishing you would change your behavior so she could change her reaction to you. Here’s the hard part: she can’t; you can. A 6 YO cannot even think at that level, let alone do anything about it, so as the parent, it has to start with you!
Changing your reaction is not simply a matter of self-control. Self-control can help you contain an emotional reaction and a physical one, but understanding and seeing your child through loving eyes is the best way to change your reaction permanently. You react to what you perceive, so when you change your perception, your reaction changes automatically. That’s why putting your effort into understanding and changing how you SEE a child, instead of into controlling and changing how you REACT offers huge, instant and permanent rewards.
This is exactly what Rachel does when she stops on purpose to observe, listen and see her child’s perspective. That’s her trying to understand and see her child through loving eyes – “Only love today.” You saw that again in this post with the hair brush when she looked in the mirror and suddenly realized how her daughter must see her – “Who are you? Where did my mama go?” While Avery sat helplessly wincing, a strong-willed child like yours would probably be inclined to argue or fight for the chance to show you she could do it herself – not to make you mad, but to get you to see she is worthy of your love!
I know you feel justified in your reaction to your daughter, so did Rachel; and like Rachel, the fact that you repeatedly have made the effort to apologize is a strong testament to your desire for a loving relationship with your young daughter. But here’s the truth: you do get angry when you see “disrespectful behavior,” of course you do! Anybody would. Likewise, your daughter gets angry when she sees a “mean mom.” Of course she does! Anybody would. That’s not what understanding is about.
This is:
You probably sense this already, but the most likely source of each of your reactions is deeper than it seems. If you are willing to see the way you react to your daughter (and the way she reacts to you) as a symptom, not the ultimate cause of the problem in your relationship, you will be on your way to a new understanding of yourself and your daughter that could repair your relationship.
Because you wish you had a better relationship with your mother, you can start there. When you look for the beginning of a parent-child cycle in your life, look back to when you were the child. When you do, you will probably find that you have a core thought about your mother that goes something like this, “She doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t care.” That thought would make any child disrespectful, because disrespectful behavior is how people react to feeling misunderstood, uncared for, and disrespected. But more than that, it makes children ANGRY!
Children feel trapped and stuck when they feel like their parent doesn’t understand them and won’t try to see the good in them. In their efforts to be heard, trapped children act out using the only power tools they know – those they learn from their parents: they scream, yell, argue, boss, punish…etc. Acting out is the child’s way of communicating. A child who is doing those things is actually trying to get you understand that she is right to feel the way she does and wishes you could see past her actions to the person she is underneath. When the parent only hears and sees and reacts to the disrespectful behavior (symptoms) instead of the message – “I want you to understand who I really am!” – the child eventually gives up and writes her parents off. (Equally true for girls and boys and their moms and dads.)
The good news is, as long as your child is angry, she has not given up on you! Her anger is a good thing. It tells you she still believes she can get through to you and get you to see who she really is – a child who loves you and wants to know you care.
You may still feel that way about your mother to some degree. If you can imagine how you would feel even today if your mother finally woke up and saw that your behavior as a child (or whatever it was that she didn’t like), was you trying to get her to understand you and get her to show you that she cared, that will reassure you that it’s never too late to improve your relationship with your daughter. Whatever your wish is about your mother, deep down, your daughter has the same wish about you.
If you want more help working through this, please contact a local counselor, parent coach or psychologist, or you are welcome to contact my colleague or me at our websites. Rachel refers readers to us in many of her posts. As I said: there is more than hope. There is an answer, and it starts with you.
Sandy Blackard, parent coach: http://www.languageoflistening.com
Dr. Theresa Kellam, licensed psychologist: http://www.theresakellam.com
Wow! Thank you Sandy, your reply was more than I was expecting! I over-reacted again tonight and after I got my 2 tucked into bed, I decided to see if there had been a reply that could help get started on this cycle-breaking. I think I am going print this out and read it every day! I can totally see what you mean about my daughter trying to get my attention. I see her vying for attention and seeking validation from us in a daily basis and it makes me sad because I don’t know what happened or where we went wrong that she has started doing this. It is just so hard- she’s vying for attention at the same time her 3 year old brother is testing boundaries and wanting to become more independent. The minute I find something I can ask her brother to do for me, or to help clean up, etc, she literally leaps/swoops/jumps across the room to do it for him which causes a crying and anger fit from him. But when we ask her to do something, she chooses that particular chore or task is not up to her standards. And this flips my anger switch that she doesn’t listen to us or follow directions, she blatantly defies us in some cases, stares at us like we are speaking Greek, and occasionally laughs at us when we try to discipline her. And once I get started, it is hard to stop! I’ve tried pausing, but some days it is hard to re-group. I think I need to try some new tactics. Including spending some one-on-one time with her, like some mommy-daughter dates. Thank you so much for your response. I truly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart!
Darlene,
You are welcome. It warms my heart to know I’ve been of some help.
Changing the way you see those difficult moments you describe is still easier than changing or controlling your reactions when you see them as you do now. A key piece is understanding that all of your children’s behaviors, even the ones you don’t like, are driven by healthy needs. The behaviors may not be healthy, but the needs driving the behaviors always are, and they are very real.
If you’d like some new, simple tactics and a better understanding of what really works with children, I invite you to read my book. It’s short and to the point:
http://tinyurl.com/SWYSamazon
You will find an online version of it and much more on my website:
http://www.languageoflistening.com
I am crying. This is me. Thank you.
Wow, that was a powerful post. I really appreciate the concept of soul-building words. Reading through these comments, it’s clear how much pressure parents have to get things done. We’re always busy, we’re always rushing. But there is true joy in taking a step back to appreciate your family members and celebrating them for WHO they are, not just what they accomplish.
My older brother has Down Syndrome, and my family stayed very very busy. It took us a long time, but my brother helped everyone realize that what’s most important is family. Everything else is just details.
Thank you for this powerful, touching and thought provoking article. Your words inspire me to be a better human being.
Wow!! So thankful I saw a friend’s post today!! So wish this had been available to me when my 3 girls were younger, in my home!! I know that feeling of always being rushed and always wanting to “get it right!” I love what you said about asking “How would you do it?” Those words seem so empowering and open up years of soul building for a child’s future!! Thank you so much for feeding into my life what I’ve really always known. I’ve caught myself being more this way with my grandchildren. I give them that extra kite string to soar to their personalities and gifting. I wish I would’ve understood this for my 3, very driven, very busy, very perfectionist daughters. I will forward this to them to let them know how each one is so precious and their purpose together have created such a beautiful family for me. They have taught me so much about myself. They are the precious gifts I often failed to unwrap because of that beautiful bow that stayed so neatly on top of the package that was just waiting to be opened!! Thank God, He allowed them to untie that bow for themselves as I’ve watched them bloom and grow. My youngest is now in college and spreading her wings to new heights. My prayer, and gratefulness to your writing this, is that I will let go and unleash that freedom for her to explore, create and allow the life she’s been called to. Again, thank you for touching me today!!
Thank you so much for such a beautiful post. I literally have tears streaming down my face. Today has been an especially difficult day for me emotionally with my frustration, anger and need to control. And it’s not even 11am yet. My kids are 16 months apart and I strive to be a peaceful parent in every moment of every day. I often do a beautiful job (something I rarely acknowledge) but it’s hard and I often fail, I’ve never been so challenged in all my life, so relentlessly, as I have been since becoming a parent. I will post this to my wall and refer to it often. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.