“She is like a sun,
Shining over me
She makes the good things better,
Better than I ever dreamed.”
-Green River Ordinance
The other night, my friend and brilliant writer Alexandra Rosas shared a glimpse into her life. With short, non-descriptive sentences, it wasn’t intended to be profound. With text structure unpolished and informal, it wasn’t meant to evoke an emotional response like the well-crafted essays she writes. But yet her words brought me to my knees. I read them three times and then I cried. This is what Alexandra shared:
I fell asleep on the couch at 7 last night. Woke up two hours later at 9, looked around, everyone gone. I popped in to check on littlest, found him in bed reading. “Where is everyone, honey?” He looked up and answered, “We all went to bed, Mom, because you're the party.”
That’s it, I thought to myself. This woman has achieved life’s highest honor. She is the party. She is the heartbeat. She is the reason for gathering. She is the celebration. If there is a more important role in life, I do not know what it is.
For days, I thought about that ultimate compliment spoken by a little boy about his mother. In fact, I became a little obsessed with it. Could I be the party? The question frequently popped into my mind in the following days …
As I played Frogger with my younger daughter at the orthodontist’s office and we both squealed when my frog made it safely to the other side …
Could I be the party?
As I talked to my eleven-year-old daughter at bedtime and she said, “Just put your arms around me and stay a little longer” …
Could I be the party?
As I congregated with old friends and we laughed, cried, and shared our difficult truths …
Could I be the party?
As I participated in the silly “Furry Language” my daughter made up to communicate with Banjo the cat …
Could I be the party?
As I spent the morning playing with my little nephews and happily agreed to “more jelly beans and more stories, Aunt Wachel” …
Could I be the party?
As I hoisted my growing girls over my head to do an “underdoggy”, their favorite move on a swing …
Could I be the party?
It wasn’t until I pulled the car into the garage after picking up my older daughter from swim team practice that I finally had an answer. Our latest favorite song was playing on the radio. We had the bass pumping and the windows rolled down as we belted out the lyrics. My husband happened to be entering the house at the time. But when he saw us, he stopped for a moment and just smiled at me. The way he smiled with such joy—like he was happy to see me happy—made me catch my breath. He was happy to see me happy. He was happy to see me being the party.
And that’s when I knew why Alexandra’s words had affected me so.
There was a time in my life when I wasn’t the party. I could plan the party like a boss. I could clean up the party without wasting a moment. I could wow the partygoers with beautiful presentation and decadent treats. I could make my family look picture perfect for the party. But when it came time for the party, I wasn’t really there. I was not a present and joyful participant.
I was not the party.
After all, how could someone who wasn’t emotionally present be the party?
When I saw my husband’s wide smile as he stood at the garage door, I remembered what he looked like when he was most worried about me. It was during the height of my overwhelmed life. I’d blown up when he said I needed to slow down … to stop doing so much … to smile once in a while. I locked myself in the bathroom and squeezed myself into the dusty corner between the powder blue wall and the toilet. I rested my head against the cold porcelain as my body wracked with sobs.
“I don’t want to be here anymore … I don’t want to be here anymore,” I whispered over and over and over.
I was just so tired. I was just so empty. I was just so stressed. I was just so sad all the time. I envisioned running away from it all, and then I felt like a monster for even thinking that.
My husband kept knocking on the door and insisting that I let him in. But I stayed in my little corner, tucked into a ball until my tears ran out, wondering if I’d ever feel life in my heart again.
I wasn’t able to articulate it then, but I can now. And it is always something I tell others when I have the privilege to share my story in person. I say:
Life is meant to be lived …
not managed,
not controlled,
not screamed,
not stressed,
not hurried,
not guilt-ridden,
not regretted,
not scripted,
not consumed by distractions, big or small, obvious or subtle.
Life is meant to be lived … and sometimes we lose our way.
I know I’m not alone when I share these difficult truths by the reactions I see. When I spoke these words to a group of people recently, I saw the look of recognition … the tears of pain … the sighs of relief knowing we are not alone. The cause of our overwhelm might be different from person to person, but our desire to live a fulfilling life is not. It took many, many small, daily steps to free myself from my distracted state and get to the place where I woke up excited and happy … where I could turn off the outside world and turn toward my family … where I could offer my undivided presence and attention … where I could take time to love and be loved.
I do not need to hide in the bathroom anymore. I am able to deal with struggles and challenges by staying present, communicating, and forgiving others and myself. I feel a new sense urgency in my life now. It is no longer about how much can I accomplish in a lifetime, but rather how much living and loving I can do each day.
Last Sunday afternoon I felt that heart-stirring sense of urgency so I said no to an outside request. I said no to a pile of laundry. I said no to my dinging devices, my full inbox, and my dirty kitchen. I said yes to hiking up a mountain with my family.
We got to the top of the glorious summit feeling triumphant and connected. After we ate our picnic, I stretched out on a big slab of rock. The sun relaxed me as the spring breeze blew back my hair. The next thing I knew, there was one daughter on each side of me. With no space between our bodies, we laid in silence warming our dry winter skin in the sun’s nourishing light.
That’s when my younger daughter turned and looked straight into my soul. She said, “This is the life, Mama.”
But what my joy-filled heart heard was, “This is the Life Mama.”
I am the party.
I am the gathering place.
I am the heartbeat.
I am the celebration.
By the grace of God and many, many tiny steps toward the light of love and connection, I am fully alive and well with my soul.
My friends, where do you find yourself today? Far from where you want to be? Missing the joyful person you once were? Huddled in a tight corner with weary bones? Wherever you are on your own personal journey, I want you to remember it is not the grand gestures, the glowing accolades, or the perfect presentation that make you the party. It is something you do every single day whether you realize it or not.
When you squeeze his hand as he walks into that new building and smile bravery right into his heart,
You are the party.
When you answer every single question with an inordinate amount of patience,
You are the party.
When you wait and wait and wait so she doesn’t have to wait alone,
You are the party.
When you think of one nice thing to say when no one else does,
You are the party.
When you sing softly when he’s frightened and say, “It will be okay,”
You are the party.
When you give up what you desperately want so she can have what she needs,
You are the party.
When you take a deep breath and choose love,
You are the party.
When you tearfully delight in the wonder of your precious ones,
You are the party.
You are the party because of the love you offer in small, daily doses.
So don’t worry about how you look.
Don’t worry about what you did or didn’t do yesterday.
Don’t worry about that long list of flaws and failings no one is keeping but you.
Your love and presence are the highlight of someone’s life—the highlight of someone’s life.
Keep waking up.
Keep showing up.
Keep picking yourself up from off the floor.
You are the party—the Life of the Party.
Your daily doses of love and presence make it so.
For more HANDS FREE LIFE inspiration, please consider my NEW book now available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble! Details below …
*************************************************************
Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, my second book, HANDS FREE LIFE: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More is now available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Whether you are just starting your journey toward a life that really matters or have been at it awhile, this book will create life-altering habits that will allow you to invest in what matters most to you. HANDS FREE LIFE hits bookshelves on September 8th! I’d be so grateful if you’d help spread the word. It is my greatest hope for this book to reach those yearning to feel a new sense of urgency in their lives—an urgency to live, love, dream, create, forgive, flourish, and thrive. Thank you for your faithful support and encouragement! It is such a blessing to me.
Recommended Resources:
- If you feel hopeless like nothing you do will ever work, or if you or your child(ren) are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, attention problems, self-inflicted injury, suicidal thoughts, or are simply wishing for healing, please click her name to contact my gifted colleague, Theresa, PhD, licensed psychologist. On her site, you will see a special welcome message to Hands Free Mama readers. She has helped many readers of my blog overcome challenging life issues.
- My friend Nicole bravely shares her story about losing her mom along with life-saving resources in this beautiful piece of her heart: I am a Survivor of Suicide.
And here I am once more, reading through tears! Your words brought back a wave of unhappy memories. First two years after my older boy was born were one big blur of anger, helplessness and constant struggle to be a perfect mom, perfect wife. I sometimes look back with regret, thinking that I wasted that time, that I could have enjoyed my little one more. I’m getting there, I’m much more relaxed and connected with my boys and I’ve learned that sometimes just being with eachother is enough. Thank you again for your words, knowing that I’m not the only one struggling like this gives me hope.
I can definitely relate to the ‘old’ you. For some reason I am just not joyful or peaceful. I think I used to be, but I feel so much stress now that every time I slow down I’m not sure what to do with myself. I am trying, and find comfort in your story. It gives me hope that I can change, and give my kids something different to remember than what they have now. Thank-you for sharing your heart, and for reminding me that it isn’t in the grand gestures but in the small, mundane tasks of daily life where I have a chance to live freely and show love.
Thank you, I really needed to hear this today, your post has helped me put things back in perspective. x
Thank you for taking the time to let me know, Rose. This means a great deal to me.
Brilliantly spoken. Thank you.
thank you so much this was my favorite post you’ve done because it’s very timely for me. I just quit my part-time job about three months ago because I wanted to give my kids what they need not what I wanted… Loved that line. I’ve been more present in the last three months then in the last three years… Thank you for your blog
Thank you for sharing your story, Karla. I have no doubt it will bring much needed confirmation to someone who is asking him or herself some hard questions. I am so glad you are here walking beside me.
I wrote up this morning feeling three lowest I have felt in a long time. I was barely there as I drive my daughter to school. It was a dark feeling that I couldn’t shake.
Then I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Bawling my eyes out for no reason other than being overwhelmed by life.
Then I opened up Facebook and clicked on this post and I’m glad I did.
Thank you. You reminded me of the me I had forgotten. Over the past year we have been in transition, moving cross country. Leaving friends and home to be closer to family and a better life for our daughter.
At some point during that transition I stopped being me. Worry and planning took over. I lost the fun and couldn’t even see it.
Now we’re in our new home and I have felt confused and lost and just like life is too much to deal with.
I needed your words today at the very moment I read them.
Thank you so much. I think it’s time I find me again. Time to let go of the stress and the worry that I’ve let take over. Time to show my family how much fun there is to be had in life.
Oh Hattie, I cry with you! I feel so grateful to know that my words had made you feel less alone and more hopeful about the future. With little steps, you can find your way back to YOU. I have moved 5 times in 11 years. We have been in our new home (and new state) for about 7 months. My daughters have adjusted so well. They are very happy. It has been harder for me because I left behind some true “sister” friends and have felt alone. I do think moving takes a lot out of us as we are trying so hard to create a home and a life for the people we love. We often neglect ourselves and what we need to feel connected and alive. Here is a post on moving that might help you right now and a post on Mothering Yourself that also might touch you:
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/12/31/a-question-to-live-by/
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2015/03/02/the-kind-of-mothering-we-all-need/
I will be thinking of you as you take small steps forward — and of course, cheering you on all the way.
What is your address, I’m moving in next door to you!! :). This is the word I needed today. Thank you for writing it for ME!! And YAY for the new book!!! And YAY that my bracelets arrived on Saturday!!! This is gonna be a fabulous week! Please, never stop writing….. we depend on your wisdom!!
Thank you, Debi! I would love for you to move in next door to me! 🙂 And thank you for being SO excited about my new book. That calms my worrisome writer heart to know there is at least one person out there who wants to read it! I am SO Happy you have your Hands Free bracelets. There are so helpful to keep me focused on what matters as I go through my day. Do you know you said my “soul-building” words? The words that make my heart sing more than any other are: “Please never stop writing.” You will see it in the acknowledgement page of my new book. Those words are my fuel. You have blessed me today in so many ways.
What precious words from Alexandra’s son. Thank you for the article. I know I’m not the party right now but I’m working on it. These were great words of encouragement.
Thank you! I NEEDED this!
And thank you for your inspiration!
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It’s time to refocus, reprioritize, and be the party for me and for my family. Thank you letting me know I am not alone and that changes can be made. Now I just have to figure out how.
Today is my sons 4th birthday and I guess I am feeling reflective and brave hence I’m getting in touch (this is something I have wanted to do for quite a while). 2 years ago when it was his 2nd birthday I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Prior to my diagnosis I ran around like a headless chicken looking after my 2 children and my amazing husband as well juggling an incredibly stressful job which I loved……however, I absolutely did not live in the present – I have now realised I was surviving. I have been forced to stop and look at my life and re-evaluate everything. Its strange to look back and realise how far I have come, I no longer struggled in the bathroom sobbing and I no longer locked myself in the car so my family cant hear the desperation and fear as I made an emergency call to someone I now call a dear friend of mine as I said I just don’t want to be here any more. I am here, I am alive, Every Day is a Gift – thank you for your wise words – I don’t know how I stumbled onto your emails however I continue to gift them to friends who are also sometimes struggling to live in the present. I am looking at a post it note which I have just jotted down 4 beautiful moments from this weekend when I realised – I am the party – thank you
Thank you, Angela. You have profoundly touched my heart with your story of HOPE and COURAGE. By sharing, you help someone else feel more hopeful and courageous too. I am glad you are here, shining a bright light into someone else’s darkness today. I celebrate your health and your life today with such joy.
Beautifully said!!!
this. a million times. right now, i’m huddling in the corner. i know i want more love, to BE more love. i keep overlooking the moment by moment things as i struggle to find a way out. it doesn’t happen overnight. thank you for reminding me.
Thank you for writing this! I am not out of the corner yet. And unfortunately i don’t have a husband who is patiently waiting, helping and cheering me on. No, he is not peaceful, he is not the party either, no one is the party in our house. I can’t change him, i want to change me, but i get bogged down by it all. I am taking small steps, tiny steps, working on it. thank you for the hope.
Reading through tears I have solid confirmation it is time to go from full time to part time, and then none. Although my children are grown, I am so obviously slack with attention to loved ones around me because of busyness .. and there are grandchildren who continue to grow up while my focus is not where it should be. Thank you again for soul-searching words.
You are a blessing. You speak to my soul daily, in profound & breathtaking ways!
And did it once again today…
I used to be the life of the party…for my own little family & the family I grew up with. Then one day I went in that bathroom & never came out. I lost the light, the hope, the party. I broke the party. After divorce and years of self inflicted torture…I am finding my way out.
But still struggle with the guilt. I want to be the party again, for everyone!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I hope small steps will make me present & aware & the party!
You are the Life Mama. You have learned to live and be The Life Mama. I learned to live and be The Life Papa.
Rachel,
I have spent the last several weeks reading through as many of your blog posts as I could absorb. I love you for what you are doing. I have felt so lost and alone these past few months and you were the hand I needed to be lifted back up. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children (2 years old and 10 months old) and I have really struggled lately to keep life balanced. I lost my smile and the “party”. Being a working mother is so hard. I have been so hard on myself for everything…that I didn’t see how it affected the ones around me. Your words in today’s post (and every post) touched my heart. “Life is meant to be lived…not stressed…not hurried…not guilt-ridden…” I want to take the necessary steps to live like that. To let go of the guilt, self hatred, perfectionism, stress…and just live life with my family. To be the party in my husband and kids’ eyes. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey and for helping me with mine.
I have no words. Only a heart beating with gratitude for how our paths crossed. This is how we thrive, not only survive. We are more powerful than we imagine. We have so much ability in just our smile, a hug, an big hearty laugh. Whether we feel it or not, we can be it.
SMILE. Smile, and even though you may not feel that way, you soon will.
THANK YOU, my friend. xo
You reduced me to tears again – grades are due tomorrow morning, and it’s been a very very busy hectic Monday for this Mama and teacher. I am trying my best to “answer every single question with an inordinate amount of patience,” for my big kids and several have been kind enough to comment on and appreciate the little things I do for them. Thank you for helping me focus on that, the important part of my work and not dwell on all the little pitfalls that could overwhelm instead on a day like today.
My daughter spontaneously said this weekend, “I am so glad you’re my mom.” I was taken aback because I had behaved poorly earlier that day and rode her too hard about something that seemed significant to me at the time but certainly not worth the damage my angry words could do. She forgave me before I forgave myself. The not forgiving myself sets me up for more poor behavior. I know this and yet forgiveness is so hard sometimes. Thanks for your words today.
Thank you! This is beautiful, I think about your blog a lot because I relate to it. I’m still on my journey to being hands free but I’m getting better.
Only if I had this level of awareness years ago when I was raising my kids, I would have never left the party. I don’t ever remember being into one, I didn’t know how to be in one. I watched and hurried things as they rolled. Sending you love and gratitude for sharing your journey in the language of love, kindness and finesse. Thank you for extending this gift with your writing that pierced right through my heart, Rachel.
Rachel, you are such a lovely soul. I would love to hear you speak at one of your presentations. Whenever I read your words, I find inspiration. To be more loving, kind, patient and forgiving to myself and to the precious ones I love. Thanks you for each word of truth and beauty you put into this thirsty world. We soak up every drop!
May your own love shine right back to you.
These words really touched me today… your blog means a lot to me and I hope to be able to order your books soon! I am going to print this post out and put it with the “Choose Love” one I read every few days. I don’t want you to stop writing ever, either, Life Mama!
Awww … you made me cry happy just now. Thank you, Laurel, for saying my soul-building words. I am soaking them right up.
By the grace of God to be the party, heartbeat, gathering place, celebration. How wonderful to know we can be what our kids need through God’s grace. Thank you for sharing your life. I always read your words through tears in my eyes and end with hope in my heart. Hope to be what my kids need. Hope to make positive memories. Hope to be the woman God wants me to be.
Nice. So nice.
A great reminder. My kids are still at an age when I can be the party for them. They will get to a point where our relationship can still be great but not the same. Now, I can be the party.
Cool.
I spoke these exact words the other day:
“I don’t want to be here anymore … I don’t want to be here anymore.”
And as I spoke them, I felt the SAME way:
“I was just so tired. I was just so empty. I was just so stressed. I was just so sad all the time. I envisioned running away from it all, and then I felt like a monster for even thinking that.”
I understand it has to do with post-partum depression and a husband who travels to another state 4 days out of every week. It has to do with perfectionism, high expectations, loneliness, and unhealed childhood trauma.
Thank you for allowing me to feel that I’m not the only one who has had those thoughts.
Your blog title caught my eye today, because, I am very aware that I am NOT the party. I have been reading your posts for some time now, and they always resonate with me. I sit here tonight with tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering once again, how to change. Your words about planning the party, cleaning up after the party, and making things beautiful? That’s me. Yet never truly present, never truly joyful. I love my three children to the moon and back, but I’m very scared that that is not what they will take away from their childhoods. There are always too many things to do, too many messes to clean. My oldest always has “sorry” at the ready, and watches for the aggravation in my face. This is not the mom I want to be, and I know that much. I just don’t know how to change things. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with the rest of us.
Jen- I could have written your comment. Me too… I can plan a heck of party but its always “just get through it to the next thing.” I want to change and instantly regret after I slip into old habits. You’re not alone in this place… I am right here too.
“… that long list of flaws and failings no one is keeping but you.”
My son’s teacher said almost the same thing about him doing this-he’s 12! 🙁 I was raised in an environment where the flaws & failings were very much known by everyone & the list was very much being kept (still is) by more than just the person & I think even though it’s the last thing I’d ever want, I think I’ve passed that on somehow! 🙁
Thank you for this post & so many of your posts. I was never a “picture perfect” type of person but I’ve been in the space between the wall & the toilet & I’ve wanted to run away & I’ve seen the look on my husband’s face when he knew I didn’t know how to just be the party or the life anymore. Most days I can now & a huge part of that is from separating myself from those list makers but then that little voice creeps in from time to time that says, the separation is another failure even though doing it made me able to be the party or the life & so much more again…
Courtney,
I was so glad to read your post…I too came from list makers & thing I may have passed it on as well, although I hope it’s not too late. I’m fighting against it now. And relearning how to be the party.
Thanks for sharing. We really are never alone.
Rachel,
After reading your post, I have felt a strong sadness engulf me because you have fully described me in your words: My friends, where do you find yourself today? Far from where you want to be? Missing the joyful person you once were? Huddled in a tight corner with weary bones? Yeah, I am far from where I want to be but I have started the tiny steps to lead me there. Recently my eight year old daughter has been asking me to take them out and she does it every Sunday morning. I feel guilty to the point of tears because every time I say no when I consider the load of work ahead of me. Your photo of the mountain also makes me sad to imagine how much fun we’ve been missing yet the past days will never come again. I am at place where I am making very firm decisions about my life one particular one having to leave a women’s group which has the potential of depriving me of time to do what matters most. I am making a choice to have my family’s interests first. I have decided to ignore all those chores and go out and enjoy time with my kids. After all, the chores will always be there. For a long time I have been so sad and unfulfilled and I am finally finding my way to real happiness. It saddens me every time I think of my daughter’s words. I am not going to sit here and lament but am going to take action and make her dreams come true. Thank you Rachel, your words are food for my soul. God bless you.
I recently placed my twin toddlers in daycare. Say what you will, being home with them had become a prison. Just as I was not born to be a neurosurgeon, neither was I born to stay home in a strange city with two life-draining toddlers at this point in my life (military wife). Why? Because I was no longer the party.
Thank you for speaking words I need to hear – regularly.
While all of your posts touch me deeply enough to bring me to tears, this one, is frame worthy to me. I was that person that hid. I hid in my house for almost 5 years. Not leaving unless it was 100% necessary. I thought I might never be able to step out my front door without a debilitating amount of anxiety. But, I can now. My daughter and my niece are the sunshine that shines over me and they truly do make every moment mean more. I am no longer controlled by my never ending list of chores that kept my house imaculate. I’ve learned to ignore those piles of clothes and the sink full of dishes. I can’t get back today. But there will always be things to clean.
Thank you for spreading the good. For helping people see that there is another way to live and better things to invest their time in.
This is beautiful and hopeful, Dominique. You have contributed greatly in “spreading the good” and “helping people see there is another way to live.” Thankful for you and your progress.
Oh, how I love this. I want to be the party. I think I am, sometimes. Maybe even a lot of the time? But I didn’t know because I have never thought about it in this way. Thank you for this new perspective.
A little over 6 months ago my surprise-miracle daughter came into my life. I had been told 10 years ago that I would never be able to have children so when I discovered she was on her way I was shaken to the core. Elation and fear were two of my strongest emotions. I began searching for books on raising children and came across your first book. I devoured it! “This is the life I want for my family. This is the relationship I want with my daughter.” became my mantra. To say that the last 6 1/2 months have been a roller coaster would be definite understatement. I lost my way for awhile. I lost myself. But then a friend shared the blog entry you had written about mothering ourselves and it was like a beacon pulling me back onto the course I want to take in life. Now in my “ugly” moments I go back to the quote I have in my office and home – “Only love today. Only love.” Some days I find myself repeating this phase under my breath for most of my waking hours.
What I am trying to say with this rambling comment is that I am so grateful for your words. Each blog entry seems to hit on just what I need to hear in that moment. It’s almost as if you are writing this blog directly to me. I have already pre-ordered your newest book and I cannot wait to read it! Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom. Please keep writing – your words mean more than you may realize!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kristen. To know my words have had this impact on you is everything … everything to me. This will be my writing fuel this week. You have blessed me abundantly.
First world upper middle class problems…
Where is a pumpkin spice latte when you need one.
Oh,the narcissism. To always want to be the party. And without YOU, the world would be so dark and cold. Where shalt you be. The light. The PARTY….
oh Dave…. that was not the intention….. there is a state in one’s mental health where the ‘to do’ list dominates. Rach is writing about being present and not being locked up in some list. nothing to do with latte dear. and not a first world problem. mothers in particular are locked in guilt traps and to do lists.
may you live more mindfully so that you can enjoy Rachael’s writings more fully.
Thank you, Claire. I so appreciate your thoughtful response and your clear understanding of what it means to “be the party” — not only for the ones we love but for ourselves. Thanks for walking beside me, friend.
I love the light Rachael. You and me sister…. that’s where the party’s at.
<3 from Sydney.
Dear Dave, if you only knew Rachel in person, you would know that she walks the walk of everything she says. She is thoughtful, and kind, and true. She wants to be the party for her family so that they can share the joy together. I’m sorry you feel the need to be snarky on such a beautiful site.
So beautifully written. Thinking every mom I know should print this out and put it on the fridge. Thank you for this.
A little voice kept telling me to check in with the Hands Free Mama, for the past few days and now I know why. Thank you Rachel.
Dear Rachael,
thank you for the beautiful expression of this very real drama. the Dalai Lama would smile and nod, for the mindful life you speak of is the core of his practice. I’ve done the weeping in the toilet and now am the party…. the smiles and hugs tell me so. everything that was important (my low income, my son’s learning difficulties, my failed business) are now just the passing trees in my new landscape of mindful living.
keep on partying dear,
and THANK YOU for reclaiming that word…. parties aren’t about booze and flirting…. this Life is a Party.
Claire
You are a breath of fresh air, beautiful Claire. Thank you for bringing such peace and light to this space today.
So beautiful. Thank you. I am not the party as much as I would like to be. Thank you for reminding me;) xoxo
Hi Rachel! I have followed your blog for a long time now, but never commented. I comment now because I really wanted to let you know how grateful I am to you for sharing your beautiful insights. I don’t have children, but I always read your words as I find I can usually find some way to apply them to my adult life and other relationships. Just last week though, I found out I am pregnant! I am now 7 weeks, so still early days, but your insightful words, your hard earned lessons you have bravely shared, mean that I approach this new challenge not with trepidation and fear of “doing it right”, but with excitement and positivity because I will be able to take the wisdom you have shared and be a mindful, present mother and truly enjoy this amazing new little person 🙂 So thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing – you make more of a difference than you could ever know xx
Thank you, Lisa. This means so much to me because I consciously try to write inclusive messages that I hope will speak to anyone regardless of life circumstances or background. I am grateful to know my messages have touched your life.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! This is so very exciting and joyful! Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful news with me and for walking beside me on this journey.
Thank you. So beautiful.
P. S. My daughter speaks “kitty Chinese” to her cat :).
🙂
This is so beautiful and powerful and validating for all mothers. Thank you.
I remember reading that Alexandra’s Facebook post that day, and thinking the same thing. You wrote about it so elegantly, very good points to remind ourselves of
Thank you, Darla. I am so glad you are here.
Having spent good quality time with you, I know that you ARE the party. I feel the light whenever I am with you. xo
Thank you, dear one. You are such a support to me. And I must say, I love when we bring our parties together. I cannot wait to see you in May!
Rachel, your posts resonate with me every single time. I see your new posts in my inbox and wait until I can sit, read, and soak the words of wisdom in after the kids have gone to bed. I am still very much a work in progress and while devices and phones are not my thing, I struggle daily to overcome my overflowing to-do list and household chores and be present with my 2 little girls. Your book is the only one I always leave out on my nightstand as a constant reminder of the kind of parent I strive to be. And your blog posts are on my fridge where they catch my eye often throughout the day. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words have truly been life-changing for me.
Thank you, Heather. This means so much to me! I am grateful to walk this journey with you!
Dear Rachel,
I jumped for joy today, to see that your new book will be out in September… literally. I ran upstairs and danced around my husband while he got ready for work this morning stating “I absolutely LOVE her, she makes me so happy”. He was giggling as he looked at me in the reflection of the mirror, then turned to me and said “She isn’t making you happy, YOU are making the changes to make yourself happy”. To have him say these words, and to acknowledge he is noticing a change in me…..”I am the party. I am the gathering place. I am the heart beat. I am the celebration”. He has always seen this in me, but I am only just discovering it now. Thank-you Rachel. Your words continue to strengthen not only my relationship with my children & my husband, but with myself. I am forever grateful…
Shannon
Oh my goodness, you have just made my entire week, Shannon! To know you are so happy about my forthcoming book makes me feel so good! I am delighted in this beautiful moment between you and your husband that you so generously shared. WHAT a GIFT you have given me today! Thank you for walking beside me on this journey!
This is so, so, so very beautiful. I agree with every word. I’m not always the party at all and sometimes I snap at the children and get serious and tell them to stop bickering and pay attention. But a lot of the time I am really focused on them, and here, and it’s so, so worth it. xox
You rock my friend. You know I am a woman of few words so……WOW is all I have to say about this latest blog.
Tears, tears because I too have been on the bathroom floor. I too have wondered where that joyful, full of life girl went. Gosh it was so hard and I was so sad. My daughter has special needs and motherhood wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and I just cried. I couldn’t do this, I didn’t want to do this. I was so angry. I couldn’t control what was happening and I am a control freak. My husband gave me the same looks, saying he just wanted me to be happy again, to smile again. I was so lost and afraid. When a friend told me that it was ok to greive what I thought motherhood was going to be and grieve the child I thought I was going to have it all changed for me. I grieved and then I made a choice to be thankful for what I had. I decided I needed to live, my daughter deserved this. I started to reengage and find joy in the small things at first. Thanks for being a help on this journey. You have shown me I have so much to be thankful for and that with God’s help I can be that involved, kind and loving mom.
Moms are so vital to the family. We’re not only the glue but the party. We’re where the joy and fun comes from… most of the time. We all get tired but its nice to know how highly we’re thought of by our loved ones.
I’m getting there…moment by moment and breath by breath. Thank you for writing these words
Hi Rachel,
I’ve read this post twice now and its message is so powerful, especially this line:
“Life is meant to be lived … and sometimes we lose our way.”
I did lose my way for a while but feel like I’ve turned the corner. I’m not sure I could be the life of the party yet. For now, I think making it to the party will do 🙂
Thanks for this post.
Wow…….isn’t it amazing when things just come into your life at just the right moment!!! I have only just come across your blog (& it’s wonderful) & this post is just perfect for me & I need it now & I need to make these changes now. I can relate to everything you say.
I used to be that joyful person & then the struggles of life kicked in & you just lose yourself, but it’s a slow process that you don’t notice at first!
My first child (is now 17yrs) & he has cerebral palsy. My 2nd child (is 11yrs) & he has learning difficulties. Me & their dad divorced, we just dealt with all the difficulties very differently. I then thought I’d met another wonderful man & we have a very lively 2 yr old, but he turned out to be a very clever con man that took all my money!! So for many years I’ve been doing everything my children need, I organise a lot of social events with their friends & my friends, we do have family evenings & days out, etc………….to everyone else I think I look like I’m coping & having fun with them all……but I’m never truly there, I don’t enjoy any of it as much as I want to & my head is constantly full of so many other stressful things! Behind closed doors, I’m the empty, stressed, tired, sad person all the time that wants to curl in a corner just like you explained & just like so many other people I’m sure. I have been trying for a while to change this, & I am getting there very very slowly, but your post has helped tremendously & I thank you with all my heart. x
incredible.
Just wanted to say thank you for writing this. Just the other day my 7 year old son told me that I wasn’t a “fun mom”. At first I was annoyed because I had spent the whole day doing things for the family even if he didn’t see it, but then I realized I was really feeling sad because I want to be the fun mom. I needed a reminder that it is ok to let all the other daily mundane tasks go and spend some time playing with my children. That is the most important task of all.
You have no idea the impact you have had in my life. I feel so relieved to know that I am not the only one to go through these struggles and feelings. Most of all, I feel so full of joy to know that you have the exact words I need to hear. Thank you for touching my life in such an imaginable way. God bless you always!
Alright, I’ve been reading for a long time and I really am thankful for your transparency and willingness to share yourself with others. I, myself, have found that quality to be necessary to keep me on my path of healing and reading about your journey has helped me embrace it as a lifestyle. Thank you.
I have included a few quotes from your posts in journals I keep as I find my way through the maze of my life (I have three children, 6, 4 and almost 2 and have been overcoming post-partum depression since my youngest was about 3 months old), but I just put one in that’s a bit of a conglomeration of your last two posts and I thought they fit really well together (format changes and such my own… thank you for helping me remember how to be the fun mom God created me to be)…
Life is meant to be lived…
not managed
not controlled
not screamed
not stressed
not hurried
not guilt-ridden
not regretted
not scripted
not consumed by distractions
big or small
obvious or subtle
Life is meant to be lived…
and sometimes we lose our way.
DON’T STAY THERE.
Come back.
Come back.
Lower the bar. It’s good enough for the people who love you.
Scale back. Surrender the pressure to “do it all”.
Turn up a good song.
Call a good friend.
Walk outside and spot something beautiful.
Dig inside and spot something beautiful you thought was gone…
I AM the party.
I AM the gathering place.
I AM the heartbeat.
I AM the celebration.
Oh my goodness, I love this so much, Mandie. It is the perfect “mash up”. This fills my heart with such joy to see how others use my words to LIFT themselves and be the best version of themselves they can be. THANK YOU FOR WALKING BESIDE ME! Grateful for your presence, my friend.
You have positive spunk, but you also have soul mixed in with total honesty, and that’s what we all want from our… friends/parents/others.
Nicely done! Great!
Hello Rachel.. I love, love, love your inspirations and post them often to share. Your family is amazing, wonderful and full of love. I also love your admissions of not always being the way you wanted to be.
My one concern is that I can’t share your writing with some of the parents I work with. (I work in a large urban setting where there is often one parent supporting a family and with severely liimited resources). I toally agree that everyone can benefit from your insights but I’m concerned a stugggling single parent may not be able to relate to your message because of the economic differneces. I have tried to share directly but the families are lost in survival and not open to resources. I keep trying in differnt ways but I wish I could just get them hooked on your blog. Any suggestions?
I’ve always wanted to drive cross-country, ever since I was a teenager. Maybe this summer will be it! Thanks for the inspiration to give our adult selves the fun and adventure we crave as much as our kids.
Your article spoke to me. Thank you so much. I cried with tears running down my face while I read it. I referenced it in a post on my blog, I have already had people respond to how your words really touched them as well. Thank you. I needed a jolt of a reminder to be the party!