My hands were sweaty. I saw the others gathered at the bus stop. I was new to bus stops. I was new to the neighborhood. They were talking and laughing and looking so at home. It took every ounce of courage to walk up. Every day it took courage to walk up. It was like that for six months.
This may sound like a childhood memory, but it is not.
This is one year ago from a woman in her early 40’s who by all standards appears confident, secure, friendly, and comfortable in her skin.
So when a blog reader wrote, “I feel isolated every time I walk into the schoolyard with my children because I feel I don’t fit in,” I got teary. I understood. And I wanted her to know she was not alone.
I’ve always experienced great apprehension when approaching groups. Walking into parties, classrooms, meetings, conferences, cafeterias, and social gatherings is difficult for me. I’d rather stay back, just listen, and keep my voice to myself. But if I do, an invitation—a very important invitation—is lost. Let me explain …
I was asked to speak at a conference a few weeks ago. Many people from my book publisher were also in attendance and they were hosting a gathering for their authors. I thought about the initial entrance and my hands got sweaty. For me that’s always the hardest part. Eyes turn to look … people huddled in conversation … my mind racing about what to say. I used to decline opportunities because of that initial angst, but I’ve learned a little trick: ask someone to go with you.
In this case, I invited two incredibly wonderful authors and human beings, Kari and Kelly, to join me. I would excitedly introduce them to my publishing team in hopes it would benefit them as well. The three of us walked to the party together and by the time we arrived, I almost forgot to be nervous. With two kind people by my side, the whole evening went far better than expected.
Later one of them said she felt like my invitation to the publisher’s party was a divine invitation to life—that despite there being so many established writers in the world, there was a place for her voice too.
I began to wonder if anyone really feels like she (or he) belongs.
A few days later I was pulled aside at a gathering in my neighborhood. Above blaring 80’s music, a quiet voice strained to thank me for being genuine and always having a welcoming smile for her. She said she often felt on the outside. I said, “You are not alone.” She had a hard time believing it, but the more we talked, the more she believed I understood.
So there I was pondering this vulnerable glimpse of the human heart I’d been given through a blog reader, an author friend, my neighbor, and myself. Our outsidedness was palpable.
I instantly thought about the ones who aren’t speaking up—those whose hands get sweaty and don’t have a friend to go with … those who talk themselves out of showing up even though they really want to go … those whose voices we’ll never hear because the eyes that turn to look are too intimidating.
For some, that fear of not belonging, of not having anyone to talk to, is paralyzing.
But what if they knew someone getting ready to approach the gathering was feeling the exact same way?
What if they knew someone is thinking about attending but is afraid too?
I was thinking we needed a universal sign, one that says, “I’m being brave by showing up right now. Can anyone see me?”
As I was mulling this over, my 12-year-old daughter told me Lunch Bunch was starting up again. There is a sign-up sheet at the middle school for students who’d like to sit with the special education students at lunch. Although my daughter was excited, I vaguely remember her being nervous the first time she did it.
“I love to see you so pumped about this. What was the first Lunch Bunch like?” I asked.
“Well, I wasn’t sure how it would go so I invited a friend to come with me. At first, no one was talking, so I just started talking. I asked questions and if the person across from me was silent, I just talked. I shared things about myself that I thought might be interesting to them. After a couple of times, a boy started talking back. I think he is getting used to me. I think he just needed to see it was okay to talk to me. Now I am not nervous, and he is not nervous.”
“Wow,” I said genuinely impressed. “I am so glad you didn’t give up even though it must have felt awkward at first.”
“I didn’t feel like eating so clasped my hands together so I wouldn’t do anything embarrassing. It made me feel calm—like I was holding my own hand. You can hold your own hand and be brave, you know.”
I tried not to cry.
Because that was it.
That’s when I knew a universal sign would be born here in this place where a million readers come each month to feel less alone in their struggles and truths.
So here’s what you need to know:
The next time you walk into an intimidating setting—whether it’s a party, a church, a school, a classroom, a club, a fitness center, a meeting, or a social event, clasp your hands together. Say to yourself: “I am not alone. Someone else is nervous too.” Then look around. Perhaps now you know someone else feels uncomfortable, you’ll see someone else holding his or her own hand too.
And when you see those with clasped hands, remember
it is an invitation
it is a plea to be noticed
it is a hope to belong
it is a light that wants to be seen
it is a voice that needs to be heard
Go up and ask a question. Say something funny or honest or weather-ish. But whatever you do, resist the urge to walk away.
Don’t walk away from the chance to offer a divine invitation to step fully into life and shine in all your glory.
Let me hear your voice.
Let me hear your voice.
It helps me share my own.
P.S. I think there are some children & teens that could really benefit from this message. I'd be grateful if you'd help reach them by sharing.
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Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution – letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to live more & love more in the time we are given. Because of you, there is a sense of belonging & hope here. My new book, HANDS FREE LIFE, is filled with specific daily actions you can take to build up another human being & meaningfully connect despite what happened yesterday. It is currently available at Target stores or online for a discounted price of $7.99.
Thank you for your honest message, for your writing. I’m glad I stumbled upon you and your good work. It helps me feel as though I am not alone in my various personal struggles as a woman, mother of six children, wife, and a as a seeming newbie returning to work–finding my way, my voice, except using my writing muscle, being scared– after having been home for the last sixteen years. Why is it so easy to feel not good enough, wrong, imperfect in the face of it all instead of simply feeling like me?
Thank you for this moving and honest message. I am so grateful you are here.
This article was one that I felt with all of my heart. At 45 with a child (an only child) in 1st grade, I feel this daily (in a district that we have to walk our kids to and from every single day -so the interactions are there every day). I appear outgoing but am really terribly shy and introverted and have a lot of pain inside from a variety of problems in life that are not apparent to others. It is so very hard to fit in…the cliques start…the moms with multiple children don’t have time for you always….if your kid is not in sports or the “in” thing you are left out…I just pray that some day I will find my circle somewhere…my friends have always been few and scattered and I long for that sense of belonging.
I pray you find a true friend to share life with too, sweet Daniela.
You are not alone, Daniela – we moved to a small town from a metro area 4 months ago. New state, new house, new schools. I miss the familiar faces of all the parents & teachers I already knew at our old schools. I miss the familiarity of our old neighborhood. And even though I didn’t always feel like I “belonged” there, it’s even harder in a brand new place. Hang in there, girl! I’ll walk with you.
Daniela, I feel the same way only I have 4 children tagging along with me. Every single day that I walk to and from my children’s school causes me a paralyzing amount of anxiety. A year ago one of the “in” moms and I parted ways and it takes every ounce of my courage to walk through those doors and survive. Every head turns when I walk in and what I wouldn’t give just to have one of the mom’s step outside of the group and say hi or smile at me.
Thank you for sharing this painful experience so that someone else can be enlightened. I hope and pray your story makes someone, somewhere open their circle today.
Daniela,
I can relate so well to your comment and your struggle of being an “outsider”. I also feel like that on a daily basis. I am 43 and also have a first grader and a 2 year old. We are new to this town as well – just for some added fun. I always feel uncomfortable at the school functions and the playground. All of my son’s first grader friends have older siblings and then at the toddler playground I am always the oldest mom there and this is usually their first child. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere – not even with some of my old friends. But weirdly, one of the few people who have stayed in touch with us is my thirty five year old friend who is not married and doesn’t have kiddos. We have actually grown closer. So I am trying to be open to the unexpected. But, it is so hard and I would be lying if I didn’t say I have not shed a few tears. But, you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your pain & your hope. Not only have you made someone else feel less alone, you enlightened someone standing inside the circle. Perhaps a circle (somewhere) will open today because of your words. I hope and pray it does.
Daniela,
I am right there with you. My only daughter is in preschool this year, and I, as the 44 year old Mommy, feel most of the time like I don’t fit in. And of course all I can hope and pray for is acceptance for my baby girl. Keep your chin up – there are more of us than we know!
I appreciate how you feel Daniela. I am 47 years old and my son is in 1st grade. I have always been shy since I was a child and it’s so hard for me to talk to people. For my son I force myself to try to get to know other mom’s for his sake. It is definitely hard. I just recently took him to a birthday party for his best buddy. My husband didn’t go with me and I knew no one there. I just sat there texting and keeping an eye on my son. And I have also noticed that many of the mom’s at the schools are cliquish, especially if they have multiple kids. I’ve noticed the school staff are similar in that they just assume you know what is going on. I actually just moved my son from one school to another so now I will be starting all over trying to get to know other mom’s. But it’s what we have to do for our kids. I hope to remember to keep my hands clasped and hope someone knows what it means, and if I see it, I will remember to reach out to them.
Rachel, I say a prayer for writers every morning before I get started and this is the first line: “Help me to trust that the words you encourage me to write meet the needs of those you guide to read them.” I choked back a sob at your daughters words – as I am sure you did as well. Clasped hands, what a metaphor, just beautiful. I feel the “outsidedness” all the time as an older parent and a S@HD. I needed to read these words right now, I felt as though they were for me… I am so glad God guided me to them. Peace, as always, to you.
I love the prayer you say for writers. It is profoundly moving and beautiful. I am thankful to know these divinely created words spoke to your heart. I hope you keep showing up — both online and in real life — the world needs your voice.
Rachel, my eyes overflow with tears every time I read your posts. These tears are not out of pain or joy or any particular emotion. Each and every word in your posts touches / acknowledges an uncomfortable spot which I never want to go. You take me to places inside me which I know exist but needed courage and company to visit and heal. Thanks thanks a lot. I wish and pray you have the best health and a long long life….
You have blessed me today with your lovely message, dear one. Thank you.
People think I am an extravert. I am a retired music teacher, actress, performer and director. That’s a lot to hide behind. Walking into a new place with new people always makes me nervous. Most times I invite a friend. Easy solution especially one who’s gregarious . I also learned to be a good listener, asking questions rather than answer them. Tricks of the trade
This post came at the perfect time – we have been dealing with some playground behaviour that is less than kind and welcoming. What a lovely, lovely way to remind all of us that we all feel outside sometimes.
Thank you for your words today. I myself have been struggling with feeling alone and on the outside. Then yesterday my son came home crying feeling the same way from behavior on the playground. I shared with him that many people feel this way often. I look forward to reading this to him when he gets home so that he can see that we are not alone.
Thank you so much for writing this piece. It not only speaks to me ( I don’t do well in large groups), but I also think it will help my 6 year old who is still having some trouble getting used to Kindergarten. She feels so much, and I think this will give her a way to offer comfort and support to herself.
I’m that person who has this social anxiety, and has no one to go with, no invitations to go anywhere, and no babysitter.
I’ve become increasingly isolated since becoming a parent, and sometimes it suits me just fine. Other times, I feel like I’m digging into a huge whole that gets bigger and bigger every day.
I liked this post a lot. Your daughter sure had a great idea, and was brave to do as she did at her lunchtimes.
What a brave post, Rachel! I love the imagery of the clasped hands, and the realization that all of us struggle to believe that we can belong.
It’s fitting that you shared this story this week, because I actually just had a post with a similar theme published on Kristen Howerton’s blog, Rage Against the Minivan. (Synchronicity!) I wrote about how an early moment of social rejection shaped my perspective, and how powerful it has been to realize that:
“So many of us have been hurt this way. So many of us are afraid to take a seat at the table. We walk around believing that we’re not wanted, that we’re not good enough to join in with everyone else. We hang back, fearing the vulnerability that comes with joining in.”
So thank you for writing, for affirming that it’s okay to be scared when we take the risk of showing up. xoxo
Thank you so much for your beautiful contribution to this post, Caroline! I have always felt you are a kindred soul. I can relate to so much of what you write about. The glimpse of your post was so lovely. Can you post the link so we can all click over and read? Congrats on being on Kristen’s amazing blog! I am so proud of your courage and your determination.
You are so welcome, my kindred spirit sister! And yes, I’m happy to share the guest post link to Kristen’s blog. It’s called “What I Want You To Know About Having a Seat at God’s Table”: http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2015/11/what-i-want-you-to-know-about-having.html
I actually submitted the story a year ago, so it was a wonderful surprise to see it go live. Sometimes you take leaps of faith … and then nothing happens for a really long time. And then one day, something does. And reading your post this week makes me think that the timing was perfect after all. 🙂
xoxoxoxo
Oh this is so familiar. I often felt awkward at the school- I was new to the small town and most moms had known each other for years. But I keep pushing through my fear as the real connections that are made make it all worthwhile. I can also honestly tell my kids that pushing past those emotions is rewarding and assure them that many people feel this way- I believe more people than you would imagine.
Thank you for your honest post. I think you touched something in every reader, because everyone feels like an outsider at times. And nearly everyone feels at least a touch of nervousness when entering into a roomful of people they don’t know. Everyone wants to be liked, accepted and included. I think it’s just part of human nature. I, too, have felt nervousness in certain situations. But I don’t let it stop me from stepping out and trying to connect with others. Because, like you said, that person might be feeling exactly the same way – and may be wishing for someone to talk to. But I’ve had a good trainer. I have a friendly little dog who loves everyone unconditionally. Thanks to her, I’ve met so many complete strangers on our walks together. And I’ve discovered that most people just want to know that someone cares. If you ask questions and really listen to their answers, it makes people feel like they’re important – and that someone cares about them.
Rachel, your words are one of the first things to help start my day on a positive and loving note. I have three small children (ages 4, 6 and 8) and your words inspire and settle me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You make the world a better place.
Clearly, we are close in spirit. Last night I sat at a coffee shop and thought about the weird way humans work- how we can all be clumped so close together, but all so separate to each other. We are all longing for these really sweet and REAL connections, but we are afraid to look up from the safety of our own worlds. May we look each other in the eyes and allow ourselves to recognize the things that bring us together.
Today, your words give courage, just like your books do. Continue to be brave, my dear sister. We are right there with you. All my love!
K
What a powerful observation, dear Kaitlin. Thank you for sharing & for being a kindred spirit to me & my Firefly songbird.
Thank you again for such a wonderful post. I often feel like you are a close friend, even though we have never met. I have been going to write you about this exact thing. I have “narrowed” my life, I have sorted through what is important, who is important, and how I want to spend my time. It has been over a two year long process and it feels good. I feel like I am living a happy, more simple, more meaningful life. Most times. There are times, however, that I feel I have isolated myself too much, that I have narrowed my list too small, and find myself alone. Being alone is a good thing for me, but I sometimes wonder if it can be too much. I don’t like social situations, I’d prefer to be at home with my family or even by myself…but like you say, it can be a good thing too. I want to be an example for my son and I want to share the good things happening in my life. I just want to do it with the right people and not be brought down and trapped in the rush and craziness of where we live – I have worked too hard to get to where I am at now. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that we are not alone, and when the right opportunity presents its self, to take the risk. To do what feels right and good, just as your daughter did. I will be brave and clasp my hands together, and say a little prayer for guidance and strength. Many blessings to you, Rachel.
I relate deeply to your words, Heather. I really appreciate you being a faithful, constant, and supportive presence on this journey.
Wouldn’t it be nice if women across the country would ]realize that this life is not a competition. Your child is not better than mine, your struggle is not more difficult than mine, your life is not more perfect than mine. Your social circle does not translate into your worth as a human being. Wouldn’t it be nice if women across this country came together to support each other, realize another’s struggle might be similar to their own or so very different, grasp and own a sense of community rather than a “social level” and work together to educate our children in acts of kindness and giving. I read your posts daily Rachel and am no longer worried about what others think of me as a professional or a parent. I continue to do my daily best and am learning to love my girls on our terms and in our own way. We might not be perfect, we might not appear perfectly every morning at the bus stop but we show up, every day and in the most important ways! Thank you for your posts and for continuing to motivate our hearts!
Beautifully stated! I love your vision and will do my best to support it through my actions & writings.
Rachel
You are certainly not alone -I know exactly how you feel. I drive by the busstop crowd every morning. Not a part of that group because my girls are older. And I am older. And I feel it many other times and places each week Glad you connected with a friend at the party. Love your transparancy and vulnerability.
Thank you for your message <3
Kim
Kim – thank you for letting me know you are here & that you can relate. This really means a lot to me.
My 8th grade daughter was just sitting telling me how she introduced herself to the new girl today! Then how she helped her in PE to find her way and meet others. I told her I was so proud of her and shared the sign! She told me she was excited to use it in the new band she is joining tomorrow! Thank you!
I am that mom. We moved to a remote area and are still on the outside of the social circle. We aren’t invited anywhere, not included on playdates or invited to parties. It’s been hard but it will change one day.
I am so sorry, Rita. I hope somehow, someway you spot another person who feels like she is on the outside and you can be there for each other.
I used to be nervous and embarrassed to talk to people. I read a quote that said, “You can make more friends in 10 days by caring about others than you will make in 10 years by waiting for people to care about you.” As I started college, I applied this to my life by asking people questions about themselves. After a while, it became easier and easier to talk to others and join the group.
This is beautiful and powerful. Thank you for this significant contribution to this post … and to the world by being YOU.
Rachel, I don’t know how you do it, but your messages are always so well-timed. It is so encouraging to hear that I am not alone. I can identify with the almost paralyzing fear of not belonging in a group of people. I recently took up ballroom dancing to confront some of my fears of being in groups of people. Connecting and interacting with people has always been a struggle for me as I was raised in a very dysfunctional family where social skills were not taught, so I always feel anxious and like I just don’t quite measure up. However, I am trying to confront those fears so that my daughters can learn by example how to show courage. I really appreciate your clear and eloquent message. Your words are truly an inspiration.
Thank you, Becky. This means a great deal to me. I commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something to overcome your fear while doing something that interests you. I hope and pray that your ballroom dancing class brings a friendship, an insight, or a blessing to your life. It is hard to step out, but there is often something good on the other side of that risk. I love your heart. It shines through your words.
I’ve always hated parties for the reasons you shared in your beautiful, as always, post. Doesn’t matter if I know anyone or not. Having just moved to a new state, this symbol will come in handy. Thanks, sweet friend. Hope we can reconnect sometime soon. XOXO
Year after year I work to force myself to stop clasping the hands. My mind wanders back to a high school teacher’s coaching advice for public speaking, “Keep your hands free and open, otherwise you don’t look confident.” But I’m NOT confident in groups. I’m scared right down to my toes. Every time. Every time I have to ring that bell before class. Every time I look out over a sea of faces looking to me to help them move forward in their lives. Every. Single. Time. This piece right here gives me the permission I’ve been seeking FOREVER to continue holding my own hand. From the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you.
Wow! This is an amazing article! I am impressed your honesty and courage. I feel like this every day of my life, and it makes me feel so much better to know that I am not alone.
I’ve always hated social settings where I don’t know anyone. I could sit at home complacently every night for the rest of my life if I didn’t have to meet new people. Although I always feel almost unbearably nervous going into places where I don’t know anyone, it’s an amazing feat at the end of the night where I realized I did indeed survive. And that I even somewhat enjoyed myself getting to know new people. 😀 I think more people feel this way than most of us would realize. Thanks for sharing!
I’m always startled by the responses when I tell people, ‘Yes, me too.” when they share something that they are worried by. Nearly always they say, “You too? But you look so calm” or, “I thought I was the only one.” I’ve started believing that it is so powerful to tell people, “It is normal to feel that way” so that they don’t feel so alone about grief, depression, worries, just anything that is part of the human condition. Thank you for the clasped hands post. I will remember that.
This is great. My boss taught me all great leaders or speakers hillary Clinton ,etc fold their hands when speaking alot. Check out pictures of them being interviewed. I need to remember this again. It’s a calming effect. My boss would make me give presentations and this was a great tip.
How interesting, Diana! Thank you for this meaningful contribution to the post!
As a fellow sweaty-handed, faint-voiced crowd-aphobic, I can relate to this. I think this is true for many introverted writers. I love the idea of the clasped hands. Sometimes when no one else is around, that’s all we have. But many times that’s enough.
Hello Rachel!
You have heard this before, but I would still like to tell you – you write beautifully.
Your post about clasping your own hands was my warm blanket today! It was like a godsend! Sometimes you are apprehensive, not just about entering a party or a gathering, it gets difficult to get through the remainder of a routine day and the daily routine tasks that are expected to be accomplished.
Today was one such day. And I was dreading going home, feeling so low, not knowing why am I feeling this way and not knowing how to overcome it.
I didn’t want to face my little 5 year old son like this nor did I want to pretend that all’s well.
Your posts have given me immense strength.
Thank you.
Darshana
Rachel,
For years, more so recently, I have felt like an outsider at many gatherings. And I find myself hearing a little voice in my head saying “you don’t belong here” or “you don’t fit in/here”. I even feel it in groups of friends we’ve known for years. I felt it last night at gathering of our Bible study group from church.
Between making sure our 5 YO son is behaving, a very talkative husband (not bad, just hard for me to get in a word) & then feeling so awkward in my own skin that I am reluctant to speak for fear of not sounding “right”, I end up feeling simply out of place.
I had never thought of holding my own hand for comfort. And I honestly have been reluctant to express these feelings until I read this post. I can’t begin to thank you properly for the comfort in discovering I am not “alone” in feeling out of place or an outsider. Your courage to share such a personal feeling & experience is moving & inspiring.
From the whole of my heart, THANK YOU.
Hi Rachel, I’ve recently started following your blog and love your post on Facebook. This particular blog pulled on heartstrings. My son is 16 months old, so when I began taking him to playgroup I was struck by immense fear, awkwardness, an outsider, different from everyone else, the mothers there didn’t resonate in my way of ‘being’, they are not ‘my tribe’. I think we can give ourselves as humans every excuse under the sun, but it only takes a single moment to change our perception of ‘what is’ in every moment and courage to take a step and see it for what it is without it defining who we are, it is only a perception of ourself. Fear takes up too much space and energy. The mothers at playground are still not my tribe and I’m ok with that because I’m ok with myself. Every situation we are given is a chance to learn and grow for ourself and no one else.
Hi Rachel,
I want to thank you for writing this post and I want you to know the ripple effect you’ve caused. 🙂
I speak at conferences around the country and I know all too well how hard it can be for people to make the choice to go, and then make another choice to speak up and connect with someone. So after reading this, I spoke with 2 different conference coordinators, and I’ll be setting up a Match-Up of sorts – people who are more introverted with those who have been to the conferences before or are more comfortable reaching out. We’re working out all the details, but I’ll link to your article here for reference.
Thank you so much for writing in such a way that truly struck a chord with me. I appreciate it – and I know that many other moms attending these conferences will appreciate it too!
WOW! Sue, I cannot tell you what this means to me! Thank you for figuring out a tangible way to open the circle and invite people in. I am just imagining the bods and connections that will be made with this beautiful idea! I really appreciate all that you do and for taking the time to share this with me.
I know it’s an old post, but it got to me…
I very often too feel like an outsider. I have (mild?) social anxiety, so if I’m in settings where I am expected to have a conversation (let’s say when you go on a coffee date with a friend), I feel very anxious before hand and tend to avoid. I prefer doing activities that don’t involve too much talking. I always think that I have nothing to say and that it will be ackward. It almost never is… The only person I am truly comfortable being around is my husband. I don’t have to “entertain” him. And my 2 young kids, because kids don’t care what you say, they just want to be with mommy.
It feels very lonely sometimes. But I push myself to do at least one activity with friend(s) every month, getting out of my comfort zone.
The funny thing is, you ask people around me and they will say that I am not shy, not asocial and, sometimes, loud mouth! (talks a lot), so… not sure where this anxiety comes from… (genetics I think). It sucks!
I completely understand and relate, Isabelle. Thank you for sharing today. I love that you challenge yourself to keep “showing up” bravely and boldly even though it is out of your comfort zone.