“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
-Emily Dickinson
I haven’t spoken of this experience for over fifteen years; I have definitely never written about it. Yet, when the memories of this time came rushing back, I had to pull off the highway and find a gas station where I could scribble my notes. It’s taken four weeks to transform my notes into readable form, but I have no doubt the timing of this message is perfect for someone reading today. This is my story … and Vince’s* story …
*Name has been changed
I had just one year of teaching under my belt and was taking classes towards my master’s degree in special education. Though barely qualified to teach students with challenging behavior disorders, I quickly assessed that academic training wasn't going to make me a successful teacher–it had more to do with the connections I made with my students.
The way this particular school set up its special education program for behaviorally challenged students allowed me to form lasting bonds with my students. Rather than having a self-contained classroom, I had one-on-one time with each of my sixteen students throughout the school day. By providing direct support to the children and their teachers, the school district believed these exceptional students could be successfully mainstreamed into a tradition classroom. Furthermore, it was not unusual for me to work with a particular student for multiple years.
Such was the case with Vince*. Vince had compliance and anger issues but we had made significant strides in our first year together. Vince was an adorable child who looked forward to our one-on-one lessons and my frequent check-ins to his regular classroom.
On this particular evening, a typical event for a new school year was taking place. It was “Meet the Teacher” night. All the teachers were lined up, preparing to walk across the stage as we were introduced. As we waited for the principal to take the podium, I noticed Vince’s mother making her way through the crowded gymnasium. She was coming straight toward me in breathless haste.
When she spoke, I thought I did not hear her correctly – there was no way I could have heard her right. As the blood drained from my face, I leaned closer praying I had misheard. Vince’s mother repeated the words that seemed incomprehensible, unbearable, and repulsive to my ears.
Vince killed his kitten that afternoon.
As his mother rambled on, I heard nothing. I forced myself to stay composed although all I wanted to do was fall to my knees and sob.
Somehow – I don’t remember how – I made my way across the stage when my name was called. I struggled to hold my sweaty, shaking hands together thinking only of the tiny kitten, praying it did not suffer.
You see, before I became a mother, my pets were my babies. In fact, I loved all animals from a young age and would do anything to save one even if it meant putting myself in harm’s way.
I was the child who was known to stand my ground at the trunk of a tree until the dog went home and the terrified cat could get down safely. I was the teenager who was reprimanded by my driver’s ed instructor for swerving to avoid a dog. In front of my peers, the teacher yelled, “Next time, there is no choice! You must hit the animal to save yourself!”
But despite his scary and humiliating rant, I did not cower. I looked him right in the eye and told him I would always save an animal if I could.
Now here I was seven years later wondering what to do with this—the intentional harm of a helpless animal by a child that I cared for deeply. As distressing as it was to think about the kitten, I had taken enough psychology courses to know this was a deeply troubling sign for Vince.
That night, I did not sleep. I cried for the kitten. I cried for the boy whose heart did not enable him to love and care for an animal. I cried for myself because I still had a school year ahead of me to teach this child. How could I get past this?
The next morning I walked into school with swollen eyes and a conflicted heart. An older and more experienced staff member who had heard what happened stopped me and asked, “What are you going to do? There’s not much hope for that one now is there?”
Those standing around regrettably surmised where this boy would be in about fifteen years; the outlook was not good.
I kept my fears and uncertainties to myself and made my way to my small classroom. Vince was my first student. He always needed my boost of encouragement to start his day. I typically went to his classroom and escorted him to mine. Normally, I would be all smiles, offering him my hand and pepping him up for a day of positive choices and hard work. But on that day, my feet were as heavy as my heart. I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up.
I walked to Vince’s classroom door. There he stood waiting for me. Immediately I noticed something was different. He was unusually reserved—almost shy. He did not say a word as we walked down the hall to my classroom and took our usual spots at the round table. Normally, there would be a lesson waiting there, or dolls to use in role play, or a behavior skills game to play. But not today. Today the table was empty.
“I killed my cat,” Vince unexpectedly blurted out, bursting the heavy silence that filled the room. He then looked down sheepishly.
My mouth went dry. Barely moving my lips, I whispered my response. “I know. Your mother told me.”
He looked at me with anxious eyes as if waiting for more—as if waiting to hear what his beloved teacher thought and felt about his actions.
“My heart is broken by what you did,” I said my voice quivering.
Vince looked ashamed. His cheeks flushed a vivid red hue. He looked as if he was preparing for the worst – as if I might tell him that I could no longer work with him.
But then I said something I wasn’t expecting to come out of my mouth.
“But I still believe in you.”
Vince’s head snapped up in disbelief. “But you love cats!” the small boy emphatically cried out pointing to the picture of my fat Calico cat prominently displayed on my desk (which coincidentally sat next to my “365 Days of Cats” calendar).
And then because I needed to hear them again just as much as he did, I repeated the same words—this time with more conviction.
“But I still believe in you.”
And suddenly the anger, fear, and uncertainty that darkened his pupils subsided. What remained was a glimmer of something unfamiliar, yet warm and promising. Vince was merely a child, but he wisely understood that what I had just offered him was a piece of my heart.
Vince reacted just as one could only hope when trusted with such a precious gift. He solemnly vowed, “I promise, Miss Macy. I won’t do it again.”
Although I wanted to ask why he did it – among a hundred other questions – I knew that was territory I must not tread. Thankfully, Vince would be receiving help from someone skilled in this area so I vowed to do what I did best – connect, encourage, believe, and see the good in this child. I prayed that Vince could feel small measures of success each day and eventually defy the odds.
Vince and I worked together for four years until he attended a new school. Despite my eventual move out-of-state, we kept in touch for about five years. Periodically, I would receive a letter from Vince or his mother. The common theme of each letter was that he wanted to come visit me someday. Vince and his family experienced their share of challenges and set backs, but they always had hope.
Ten years later – when the naysayers had speculated the worse would unfold – Vince found me through the magic of social media. He informed me that he had earned his high school diploma and was taking college courses. He was writing a book and was was doing great things with a community youth group.
Vince had defied the odds.
And to me he said this: “Thank you for being the teacher who believed in me. School was never the same after you, but you stayed in my heart and always will.”
The day Vince admitted his tragic wrongdoing will be engrained in my mind forever. It would have been easy to go where so many went that day – believing there was no hope. I very well could have written Vince off forever because of his grave mistake.
Instead, I offered these six words: “But I still believe in you.”
For years I have wondered why those words. At what point did I decide I would not give up on him? It was the morning I walked into school and the staff member asked what I was going to do. In that moment, I saw a back turn on Vince. I knew it would be the first of many that would turn their backs on this child. There would be many who would give up and walk away.
Although I couldn’t forgive him for taking that kitten’s life, it didn’t mean his life should be thrown away too.
I once stood under a tree protecting a living being until danger was gone …
I once swerved my car to avoid taking a life …
Why would I do anything different now?
Vince’s life was worth saving.
I would not turn my back on him.
Friends, I am simply the messenger on this “Hands Free” journey, and it is by the grace of God and a remarkable young man that I have this message to give:
Our children will make mistakes.
These mistakes will likely grow in severity as they get older.
But a mistake doesn’t warrant abandonment, condemnation, or disownment.
Be the one who doesn’t turn and walk away.
Be the one that stays and says, “I don’t condone what you did, but I still believe in you.”
Then foster the goodness that resides deep within that troubled heart – even if you have to dig to find it. Believe it is there – even if you are the only one who does.
Because one day that child will grow into a young adult who has choices that can either harm or contribute to society. And when that time comes, there you will be – a flutter in his heart, reminding him he was once worthy of saving and still is.
********************************************************************
Update 1/18/2016 – Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, I wrote this post exactly 3 years ago and felt that today, Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, was the ideal day to share it again. Last year I had the opportunity to speak in the town where this story took place. The boy from the story, who is now a handsome young man, sat in the front row beaming with pride at his beloved teacher. He listened intently to my words and afterwards thanked me for believing in him, although he has told me many times. I listened with joy as he described the many ways he was continuing to enrich himself, as well as the world.
In that moment I thought of the many children and teens who are currently alienated, lost, lonely, and sad – those with prolonged feelings of despair that eventually lead to troubled paths and life-altering choices. My hope is that we, as a society, do a better job of noticing these children – whether they are in our homes, our communities, on our sport teams, or skateboarding in front of our favorite coffee shop. May we begin to see all children as “our children.” Perhaps this heightened awareness will inspire an outpouring of support of encouragement that leads to more open hands and changed futures.
“The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: ‘If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?’ But … the good Samaritan reversed the question: “If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?” -Martin Luther King Jr.
*For further help/information:
“Violent Rage Doesn’t Begin at Age 20” is an excellent article by Dr. Laura Markham that addresses what adults can do about anger they are witnessing in their child or teen:
DoSomething.org offers a list of hotline numbers related to a variety of serious issues faced by children and young people:
The National Alliance on Mental Illness provides contact information for every state.
**If you feel this is a message worth spreading, I’d be grateful if you share it. Through you, my friends of The Hands Free Revolution, the hand of hope can reach far and wide.
Rachel,
I was profoundly moved by your writing today. I too love animals and when I was younger I would stand my ground on many animal issues. From the slap I gave to a young boy for hitting his dog with a stick, to vowing to never eat another animal as I had watched or known there were animals being slaughtered around me, on a farm…Animals who were my friends when there was no one else to connect with…no friend to talk to or rely on… when I was old enough to decide for myself not to eat “my friends”, to my father being perplexed because I would not answer ‘correctly’ when asked who I would choose if my father was falling from a mountain and my dog was falling…at the time the choice was too great!
I also was told by some….I give up on you, you are stupid, you are no good etc….and on rarer occasions – you are beautiful, smart and a light hand would go to the back of my head, stroking my hair and gently encouraging me to go on…There are some very profound things that have been said to me that have saved me over the years….and helped me remember I am …someone…
Please continue to write all that you do….
warmest Kobie
Thank you, Kobie. I wish I could tell you in words how much this means to me. Some posts are more difficult than others to set free into the world and this was one of them. But as my eyes fill with tears as I read your message, you have affirmed my decision to share it.
We seem to be kindred spirits when it comes to animals. I can very much relate to what you have described. I also love what you have written about the rare occasions of encouragement you received. You have confirmed the power of such loving words and affectionate gestures. I will particularly remember this beautiful line when I am in the presence of a child: “There are some very profound things that have been said to me that have saved me over the years … and helped me remember I am someone.”
Thank you with all my heart, Kobie.
What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing xo
Heartbreaking and heartwarming. I’ll post it in my blog and share it so that more people could see it. Dealing with the evil in the ones we love and care for is probably the most difficult thing, yet having the strength not to withdraw our love can make all the difference to them.
Thank you, Emilia. I am so grateful that you are going to share this message. I am touched by what you said about having the strength not to withdraw our love … oh yes, that is so beautifully stated.
I am currently trying to get my 16 year old runaway to come back home. These were the exact wise and loving (and hopeful) words I needed to hear this morning. I can’t express how much you’ve helped me today, when I so desperately need it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dear Elena, my heart is with you. I have paused to think about you and your precious daughter. May you be filled with the words that allow your daughter to know just how much she is loved and needed at home. Much love and hope to you, dear one.
Elena, I don’t know you, but I said a prayer for you and your child. I hope you get them home soon and that you have a wonderful support system to help you during this difficult time.
Of course, I do not know the circumstances or what Vince’s background was, but I’m willing to bet that what he did was a desperate cry for help, and I’m so glad you heard his cry and answered it with what every child needs at least one person in their life to say.
I worked with a boy like Vince, who had so much rage over everything he had seen and endured in his household. I will never forget a day when he had one of his “rage episodes” as his mother would call them, and afterwards I told him “I love you”. He was shocked and said “But, I’m BAD!” I answered, “No, you are good and I see the good in you”. His mother told me in our parent/teacher conference (very angrily) that he thanked God for me in his prayers at night, and even now I cry thinking about that.
Could you email me? I would like to ask your advice about something privately.
Beautiful story. I too was placed in a difficult decision to either give up and lose hope or keep on believing. My foster son whom we have had for over two years surprised us all when he decided to start “hurting” himself and making a waterfall of bad decisions. At first I thought it as best for us to give up, force him to leave ( after all we have 4 other children to think about ) but by the grace of God we decided that our weak moments aren’t the ones that should define us. He needs something from us, this was a cry for help, what kind of person turns their back on a crying child? So we decided to get him the help he needed and we have been blessed by his presence ever since. My life, and the life of my family could have forever changed that day but I am so glad we said “we still believe in you”. Keep on writing, I need to hear ever word.
Rachel,
It never fails to amaze me how powerful our words alone can be…six little words from you changed that little boys life for the better. Six hateful or unkind or discouraging words could have had the very opposite effect.
Your article has touched my heart again…Thank you! You have been blessed with the talent of writing and through that talent you are sharing so many important messages, touching lives and reaching out to hearts and souls. Your articles make us want to take another look at our lives and be better…again…thank you!
Thank you for your loving words, Victoria!
This was a beautiful story, and you made a beautiful choice on that fateful day. You say that you can not forgive Vince for what he did, but I think you did, in fact, forgive him. When you choose to see that a person is not defined by one action, that every person makes mistakes and is worthy of a second chance, that is true forgiveness. I don’t think condoning something or excusing something is the same as forgiving. Forgiving is letting go to move forward; it’s recognizing that humanity is by nature imperfect, that our mistakes do not have to define who we are; that no person can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn’t make the same mistake as Vince if life placed him on the same path (whether his issues evolved neurologically or environmentally); that there are always crossroads that offer the opportunity to choose good, even if there have been multiple bad choices behind us. And when you think of forgiveness this way, both the forgiver and the “forgivee” are given the gift of freedom to move forward, pick up the pieces and try again. What a gift you gave that boy (and his mother). God bless.
Oh Lisa, what beautiful insights you have! I love this: “Forgiving is letting go to move forward; it’s recognizing that humanity is by nature imperfect, that our mistakes do not have to define who we are;” The freedom to move forward is in deed a gift to the forgiver and the “forgivee.” Thank you for enlightening me!
I really like this quote from Oprah
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
Wow. Wow. One sentence could have changed that young man’s course. I’m so glad to hear he has parents that stuck with him and got him help. Can you imagine the stress within him before he told you? Knowing he had possibly lost his sole academic ally? Unconditional love is the most beautiful thing…I love this story. I’m so proud to know you. I can’t wait to see what this year holds for you.
Yes, Lori. I often think of his parents and am in awe of their strength and unconditional love for him. That is how I want to love my children.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing. Your words meant more than mine can express right now.
God bless you.
Luisa
Thank you for the reminder that we are to love and forgive in all situations, as hard as it is.
Amazing story. And amazing words you chose that day. For months now I have been using the words “I love to watch you _____”. I believe they were from one of your past blog posts. What a difference a few simple words can make. Sure there is going to be a lot of hard work, the words dont fix everything. But the words start the process. And what a great way to start the process
Thank you, Roo. Yes, I did write “Six Words You Should Say Today” — little did I know there would be another set of 6 powerful words! I love what you say here: “Sure there is going to be a lot of hard work, the words don’t fix everything. But the words start the process. And what a great way to start the process.” That is so true!
Reading this makes me think of the distraught people who have decided to go on shooting rampages–maybe these words were never said to them when they needed to hear them. Very powerful story, thanks for sharing.
This is a beautifully written message of hope our world needs to hear and believe in. I often feel like people are too quick to judge kids who have done wrong but bad behavior doesn’t happen out of nowhere and should not define people, as you said. Thank you for standing up for Vince and being a loving presence in the world. We need more people like you.
What a timely post. Yesterday, I received a letter from another Vince. This one came from a maximum security state prison, where he and his brother (yet another Vince) are both serving 80 year sentences. They were kids that had pretty much everything stacked against them, who were encouraged to be violent from a young age. They were also sweet kids: funny and smart. They were kids I believed in. So it was pretty devastating a few years ago to hear about an ugly, gang related murder and to see their two faces, tired and much much older looking, in the mug shots on the front page. For various reasons, I hadn’t been in touch with them or their family for many years, but this year I saw their mom (who’s turned her life around) at church and felt inspired to send a Christmas card to them in prison. I didn’t think they’d remember me, necessarily, but just wanted to encourage them. I got a lovely letter back yesterday, expressing thanks for the letter and thanks for what it meant – that I still believe in him. You know, I have no idea what his future will be like, considering he will be in prison until he dies; and I can’t overlook the fact that he took a life – but I don’t think we can ever understand the impact of expressing to someone, wherever they are in life, but especially if they are a child and might just believe us, that we believe in them.
You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for blessing me with your story of hope and love.
I am currently going to college to become a teacher’s assistant and your story is a good reminder of the kind of person I know I need to be when working with children in an academic setting. Thanks so much for sharing!
I think lots of us could benefit by having a little sign in our office or on our refrigerator that simply says “I still believe in you.” It would be a great reminder to take those opportunities to bless the children in our lives, but also a very real reminder to ourselves that someone believes in us! Great post!
How beautifully written.
This lesson is easy to see when children are babies. No one would turn their back on a toddler because they have harmed another. As our children grow and age we expect so much…forgetting that they still need so much.
It is our duty to remember that children all need us…whether we are their parents or not.
Keep up the good work!
k2
Beautifully said, K2. Thank you for sharing this powerful insight.
I soooo love your stories. Your’e a woman after my own heart! Thanks for sharing! xo
As a mother, and a woman, your story has moved me so. Thank you for the reminder of what belief in a child can do for that child. Beautiful.
I am sitting here choking down tears as I am reminded of so many similar stories of my own through my career in mental health. So many teenage boys who were cast aside by family and service providers alike. Teens who lost belief in themselves because everyone else who was supposed to love them gave up. “But I still believe in you,” is such a powerful statement to kids/teens who have so much angst built up inside. Thank you so much for sharing yours and Vince’s story.
Thank you for what you do for our children, Debi. Both my parents and sister are in the mental health profession. The stories they take home with them at night are the kind you don’t forget. I am sure you have been a source of love and encouragement on countless occasions. Thank you for taking the time to write.
Thank you for sharing that!
Rachel’s consistent message:
Defy the odds.
Do something different.
Identify your values.
Stand up for those values like your life depended on it.
Being brave enough to standup in spite of your fears.
Choose to make the world a better place.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Wow. As I type, I blink back tears. To know you see these beautiful themes in my writings on a regular basis is one of the most meaningful gifts I have ever received. Seamus, thank you for being such an encouraging and uplifting presence on my journey. I am truly grateful.
What a magnificent story! I share your love of animals and under dogs, and have similar stories about trying to care for animals or people in need. It is heartbreakingly true that most people would have turned their back on Vince. I’m in no position to judge but I feel you are the reason that boy succeeded and will succeed. I wish there were more people like you.
Thank you, Sara! I feel grateful to have had the opportunity to know Vince and his family. I feel that because of him, I am a more compassionate and forgiving parent. I attribute much of Vince’s success to his parents. They stood by him through thick and thin. I have always been inspired by the unconditional love they gave to their child. Thanks for sharing.
We all need to be reminded of this. That our children deserve our love and faith and hope for them. Those things can change the course. As always, you’ve inspired me today. Thank you.
Mercy and grace given from a heart of love. May we all be strong enough to give it and humble enough to receive it.
We can make such an impact when we act from strength and love. Rachel, it heartens me beyond words to think that there are people like you in the world, knowing you’ve got to represent at least a percentage (hopefully more!) of the population, who CARE. Not to say you must be perfect, but your reflections on your life lessons and the clarity of your points are keenly felt.
I’m so moved by the courage of heart that you demonstrated — it seems important to me that you, that Vince, that his parents addressed it, as much as you might have wanted to shrink away from the idea and reality of what Vince had done.
We fear so much what we don’t understand, including the darkness that some people live in, almost as if denying it exists will make it go away. But if they are ignored instead of loved and helped, how can they ever make positive strides? If someone is told they are worthless, stupid, or bad long enough, they will begin to believe it; just as if someone is told they are believed in or loved for long enough, they will begin to believe that instead.
Not that the loving is easy, by any means, but it truly can be life-changing.
Dear Rachel,
Thank you so much for your words. I’m changing, and finding ways to better love my children. Though I’m still not where I want to be, I am slowing down, noticing, putting away my screens more (still not enough!) and seeking to treasure and embrace all that IS. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and especially thank you for this reminder of the power of words. I know words are powerful, yet my heart needed to hear this, especially regarding when I respond to my sweet boys (such little ones, only 3 and 5) when they have done something “wrong”. Do I spew a knee-jerk reaction of fiery frustration and anger? Can I pause, wait, and speak once my emotions subside? My words, my responses are powerful, and I want my boys to know I believe in them, I love them, and they ARE good.
Again, thank you, thank you for sharing.
Thank you very much Rachael. Today I’m a pastor of a small congregation of soft loving and bold individuals. Today I am married to the sweetest woman I’ve ever met who loves people more deeply and more courageousley than most would deem impossible. Today, when I have been wronged I pray and ask God what I can do to help that person feel more supported and loved. Today I am less interested in being right, justified, or avenged and more bent on being free and unhindered to love with more of me tomorrow. I say today because years ago I was Vince. I was that angry little boy who so many teachers and leaders told him to his face he was an idiot. That he would never succeed. So many spoke so many of their own curses onto me. So many…
But there were the other ones.
Mrs Bobbi Sykes-Perkins who showed me over and over again that I am only beholden to God and myself for what limits me. And she was a black woman who was very close to Martin Luther King organizing and praying for change in Alabama many years ago against impossible odds.
Mrs Perkins requested I be in the gifted program when the rest of the faculty wanted me in remedial courses and woodshop.
She would keep me after school in her classroom telling me stories and challenging me to be a revolutionary for the causes of Justice and goodness.
Rachael, you were being a redemptive force in Vincent’s life. He received undeserved favor from you; grace to cover his wrong, and it changed his life.
Mrs Perkins gave that to me; which many years later I can say prepared me to finally surrender all of my anger and loneliness to Jesus. Grace upon grace…
Thank you “Hands Free Lady”.
May we never give up in our fighting for the ones who are marginalized cast aside and overlooked.
Sometimes these ones grow to be the worlds greatest forces for cause of love, and ALL of these have someone they remember who stooped low to pull them up.
I celebrate so many things in your message, Brion. But most of all, I celebrate Mrs. Perkins for seeing the promise in you. It would be impossible to count the lives YOU have touched because she saw something in you. And I can’t help but wonder how many other people Mrs. Perkins lifted up when they thought, as they had been told, there was no hope. And think about all the lives those people then touched. Oh yes, there is hope. If we can all be a Mrs. Perkins … even to one lost soul … just imagine what could happen. There is so much goodness in the world. Thank you for reminding me of that today. I celebrate you for sharing your story. There is hope.
This was such a striking post for me. I am a special education teacher too, and although I haven’t worked in a program for behaviorally challenged students now, I did for many years, and I saw many instances of backs turned on students. Even in my mainstream settings, I see that at times too. And in myself. I struggle to believe in my students when they won’t wear their hearing aids or treat me disrespectfully when I represent an aspect of themselves they cannot accept. What stood out for me most strongly though was the care needed to be able to stand with your student/child, to never turn away. I strongly believe in connecting with my students too, but I also need to practice self-care to hold support strongly too. And that is not in my life currently, not enough for my students and not enough for my children. Thank you so much for writing this today. I was planning to work on my vision board tonight, and I got some more clarity in doing that!
Thank you, Tiffany. I love hearing your thoughts. Being a special education teacher (any kind of teacher, really) is very difficult. There are many stressors, that at times, can be all-consuming. I think your point about self-care is so critical. I was lucky to have a strong support system from my administrators, as well as my husband and parents. I often needed a sounding board or a place to just be sad. I am thankful our paths crossed. I wish you well in your endeavors. Thank you so much for what you are doing for the children — all our children.
Over and over again, you show the world your incredible heart. We all need more people like you to say the right words to turn someone’s life around!
You are amazing!
Wow…this brought me to tears. My brother growing up was the “angry child.” He buried three of our puppies alive when he was 5 (thankfully, we found them and they survived)… He often screamed, hit, and threatened. I often fear for him and his future (and, those around him). But, I also wonder what would have been different (and how things could still be different) if someone would just believe in him. Not allow him to get away with things… not dismiss his bad behavior. But, believe he can be better. Now that I am a mother I worry that my child, when throwing a major tantrum, is going to be like that. I will remember those six words and use them often from now on.
You continue to move my heart with your words. Thank you.
Such beautiful writing. Thank you!
I remember an old friend of mine who always would say, “You have those moments of enlightenment and then you chop wood, carry water, and then you have another moment, and you continue to chop wood, carry water.” I always believed that the chopping wood and carrying water was the most special part, especially with my son.
What a wise friend you have, Andrea. Thank you for sharing her empowering perspective. It applies to anything in life … there is much work and growth between the uplifting/positive moments.
Thank you so much for writing this. It really touched my heart. I especially like the statement you suggest, “I don’t condone what you did, but I still believe in you.” That is absolutely priceless and I feel I would be using that one often.
Thank you, Andrea. That means so much to me.
This is an incredible story of grace and the impact of seeking the good in every child. And, your writing is very beautiful. Simple, evocative and deeply felt. Thank you for sharing this,
Grace
This child, is my child…. he is 11, we adopted him at 4, he is now on juvenile probation for physically attacking two teachers. 🙁 we are so stressed at home, everytime the phone rings we fear it’s the school calling us to come and get him, we have exhausted local programs, hospitals, resources for him. Now he is in the “delinquent” profile. We just don’t know what to do, we have provided all we can do, now it’s up to the judge to decide for us what fate holds for him. I don’t want to give up on him, we elected to raise him as our own, but how can we continue to put band aids on big cuts? all we can do is pray. thanks for this article, I could only see my own child, and praying for the future, what ever it may hold…. :*(
Christy, I am so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and frustration you have endured. I worked with several children who had severe attachment disorders because they did not bond with a parent when they were babies. It was very difficult to connect with them and develop a sense of compassion in them. Many situations did not turn out well, but there were a few positive outcomes. I pray for your child; I pray for you. Sending you peace and love tonight, dear one.
well today was a hearing for our child, mentioned above, the hearing went well but continued to Feb 12, so that he can have representation from the courts. I can say that there were several other children there, some brought in with ankle and wrist cuffs on, it was an eye opener. I only hoped that my child would see where the future would be if he continued on this destructive path. I do thank you again for your kind words to me. Prayers are being answered, but now we must do all the things we can to help him. We used to make plans, now we just make it through the day. It was hard to see other moms and dads there grieving seeing their child in handcuffs. My prayer is that we don’t end up like them, waiting on a hard bench to hear my childs fate…….. keep praying for us!!! We WILL NOT fail this child!!! He does matter! Bless you for taking the time to talk to me 🙂
Hi Christy, thank you so much for updating me. I have been thinking of you and praying for a positive change or sign, even a small one, so you can hold on to your amazing hope and dedication to your son. It pains me to read about what you saw today. I recently learned about the outcome of one of my students. He is now in jail for robbery. I cried and cried for him. I can’t help but wonder what might of happened if he had a parent like you in his life. His parents were completely checked out of his life and wanted nothing to do with him, even at young age. I pray that your son will realize he has a source of strength and love that will stand by him if he wants to change. Will you continue to update me? You have my full support, friend.
Yes, I will keep in touch, it’s so nice to finally find someone who understands our hurt! I don’t want to see my child in cuffs and chains EVER! I know this is an exceptional case, a parent usually doesn’t “ask” for help, but we just have no other options but to ask. Like I said, we agreed to raise him as our own, so we have to endure this as a family. It is the hardest thing we have ever done. So sorry to hear about a previous student, it’s like getting slapped in the face for all your effort. You have touched my heart, with this article, I can only hope and pray there are others that have been helped by your grace….
Thank you, Christy. It is clear through your words and actions that you are an extraordinary woman with a huge heart, incredible strength, and deep faith. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for this special boy. Praying for positive change for him. I look forward to hearing from you in Feb.
Hi Christy, I discovered Brene Brown’s books last year, and it has been life changing for myself and my students (I’m a special education teacher). She addresses issues that are the root of behaviors like violence, addiction, depression, and so on. Her information is legitimate because she’s a researcher and professor; she speaks in a way that is easy to understand.
The Gifts of Imperfection is the book that had transformative effects for me and my students (I haven’t read the book to my students, rather I’ve incorporated Brene’s wisdom into my teaching)
I hope you get to read it and your son can read it too!!! 🙂
I was sent your story thru a friend of mine from Facebook. I am so grateful right now that she did this. I have a son with multiple disabilities.. I worry every day that my son will have one of those horrible days like Vince. I also pray everyday for my son to eventually grow out of some of these disabilities.. I am my son’s advocate and I will never be silenced! This story was very inspiring! We battle every day to keep our family moving forward and try to keep it as normal as possible.. Some days are far more challenging than others.. Doctors have told us that to give our son the best benefit in his future we need to give up our parental rights.. Well I refuse! God has a much better plan ahead than us just giving up! Thanks again for this story! I can’t wait to share it with my family so they too can be inspired like I am.. 🙂
Wendi, I am so touched by your message. I immediately stopped and said a prayer for you and your son. He certainly has something quite remarkable going for him: YOU. Your faith and commitment are so clearly evident in your powerful words. There is HOPE. And if you need encouragement, I am here for you. In the meantime, I will be praying. Please thank your friend for sharing this post with you. I am truly grateful to her.
I am so glad there are other parents out there dealing with the same thing! It validates that we are doing the right thing by advocating for our children, if we don’t do it, who will? these children are not garbage, they deserve a normal life just as any other person, with some adjustments I do believe they can succeed! Prayers are coming from our family to yours as well, please don’t give up!
What a moving story. A testament to the dramatic effect and POWER our words have – over others AND ourselves. So glad to have found your blog.
I will be sharing your website today. Thank you. xx
Perhaps it is also believing in ourselves!
Love this article! Just a funny reminder.. there was still some good in Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi…. Luke believed in his father and was right! Just remember that no one is too far gone and God’s love reaches further than all the bad!
That was unbelievably touching! Thank you for sharing and reminding us all how powerful our actions or rather reactions can be!
Thank you so much for reading & taking the time to comment with encouragement for my writer’s heart. I will use it as writing fuel today, dear Andrea.
Thank you. That’s all I can say. Thank you.
What a moving story. Words make a difference! Thank you for sharing this story as it deeply conveys how we as educators can make a difference in a child’s life. Your courage and strong belief in believing in change has guided many Vince’s* and changed their life forever! This story comes at the right time as my son and his friend were talking yesterday about another angry Vince* at school. We had a discussion around how we don’t know why or how he has become so angry. Through our discussion I found out that this boy lives with his grandmother and doesn’t has the parents present in his life. Judgement can’t make the changes for children who have lost their way or are in need of support. Rachel you make the difference needed to change a child’s life forever.
Absolute goose bumps. You were wise beyond your years as a young teacher. Thank you for sharing!
I needed a moment to catch my breath after reading… as a preschool administrator I know I have failed more than once to focus on the good in a challenging child. As adults we are obligated to help them see the good in themselves, so that at those dark times they will still know it is there. You did good. Thanks for the wake-up call, and God bless.
What a powerful story, Rachel – thank you for sharing it, and most of all for LIVING it. xoxo
SO PRECIOUS & PRICELESS, Rachel! And then sometimes we teach children (or anyone at any age) learn responsibility by having logical consequences fall where they may! THANK YOU for the inspiration!
Maren
A slight variation of this was one of many excellent materials I received when I was actively leading a (small) Moms in Touch group.
“I Am A Teacher” by John W. Schlatter
http://www.appleseeds.org/teach_1.htm
What a moving story. I am going to share this post with a teacher friend of mine who I know will greatly appreciate it. Your story is priceless, sweet friend. Thank you for sharing. God bless.
I too was a Special Ed teacher. I too have had many Vince’s. There are a half dozen students that haunt the hallways of my mind. Two and a half years after retirement, I know in my heart I failed to connect, I didn’t have the right tools, or words…I failed. These ones I failed have moved in and taken up residence in the hallways of my mind. I feel them eating away at my consciousness in reflective moments. Perhaps their “presence” is the hell I pay for not being the best person I could have been. I pray for them, but fear I was the litmus test to affirm or condemn. How do I find any peace?
Amazing story. I also love animals and imagining them suffer is too much to bear. However, you did a beautiful thing by giving that boy hope in himself. Maybe he didn’t get it from home. Maybe he did. We’ll never know. But you were someone who helped him have a sense of self-worth. Well done.
Rachel, this is an amazing story of determination and understanding, but what grieved me the most was your statement; “Although I couldn’t forgive him…” Hopefully you have let go of your I forgiveness towards a formerly wounded and confused child.
An answer to my prayer. Thank you.
Bless you, Jamie.
This was a beautiful and heartbreaking story, Rachel. It makes me happy to hear that he’s doing well now, and certainly at least partially thanks to your kind words that day.
Hi Rachel,
I was recently told that my daughter suffers from Oppositional Defiance Disorder along with Anxiety and Depression. Thank you for the new words that will come from my lips when she becomes agitated and doesn’t know why. Thank you for renewed strength to meet the challenges that we face when it comes to homework or schedule variances or sisters that need to use the same hairbrush. Thank you for your dog eared books and your posts. Thank you for the bracelets on my wrists. Thank you for helping me forgive myself and leaving mistakes in the past. Thank you for your strength from which we gather ours.