“I'm on your side,
So shed your shadow
And watch it rise.
Into your darkness,
I'll shine a light.
Bring your secrets, bring your scars.
Bring your glory, all you are.”
–Phillip Phillips, Unpack Your Heart
The headlining band had just come on stage. The crowd was on their feet, cheering wildly. I was taking it all in—the lights, the sounds, the smell of the rain coming down just beyond the amphitheater covering. Flanked between my dear friend and my loving husband, all my senses were alive and content.
That’s when she turned to me—the young woman positioned in the isle in front of me. “I’m sorry,” she said as she leaned towards me, attempting to talk over the loud music.
I wasn’t sure I heard her right. What could she be apologizing for? I wondered. I leaned in closer and listened carefully.
“I’m sorry you have to look at my soggy, fat ass all night,” she said.
Oh.
No.
No. No. No. I thought as my brain scrambled for a response.
I hoped that perhaps she was joking—but the solemn look on this woman’s face confirmed this was no laughing matter. She was apologizing for her appearance … for her size … for taking up space … for being her.
Although I felt like crying, I placed my hand on this young woman’s upper arm. It was wet from a mixture of sweat and precipitation, but I was not repulsed. I rested my hand there, on the arm of someone’s beautiful daughter and said what I hoped would liberate her for at least a couple hours.
“Oh my goodness, no! Please don’t worry about me,” I said assuredly. “I am completely focused on the concert back here. Just enjoy yourself … just have fun, okay?”
The woman looked relieved.
Much like my younger daughter looked when she told me she wanted to “be healthy,” and I did not press her for details or explanation; I just said, “How can I help?”
The woman looked hopeful.
Much like my older daughter’s friend looked the other day when she needed to borrow a bathing suit, and I had one that fit her developing physique.
The woman looked understood.
Much like my friend looked when I read my declaration for living that began with the words, “Get off the scale. It cannot measure the depths of your heart.”
My friend had immediately asked me, “How do you do that? How do you express my struggle so perfectly?”
Because of the hours I spent in front of the mirror being my own judge and jury. Because of the hours I spent deciding whether I was fit for public observation or when I needed to stay home and hide. Because of the thousands of discarded outfits I tossed to the floor, taking shreds of my dignity with them. Because of all the times I felt the need to apologize for the space I inhabited. Because of the countless times I lost myself in numbers and measurements. I can’t say how many years it went on like that, but I can remember when I finally questioned it.
We were still fairly new to the state of Florida, and I’d just given birth to my first daughter. My newly retired parents had moved down from Indiana so they could be near their grandchild. Not being from Florida, I found myself feeling perpetually sweaty and out of place. But in the months following Natalie’s birth, my body was even more difficult to inhabit. I was hesitant to put on a bathing suit, but if there was one thing my baby loved, it was the water. So I did it – I came out of hiding for my child.
One evening Mom and I took Natalie to the community pool where my mom did daily water aerobics. As I pulled Natalie gently through the water, my mom said something completely unexpected. “Every day my water aerobics instructor plays, ‘Just the Way You Are’ by Bruno Mars; it always makes me get teary.”
After a brief moment of shock, (Mom knows who Bruno Mars is?), I asked her why the song moved her.
“Because it makes me think of you,” she said becoming emotional. “It’s your song.”
My mom recited as much as she could by heart.
“She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so sad to think she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, do I look okay? I say:
When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl, you're amazing, just the way you are.”
I could see by mother’s face, this was truth. When she looked at me, she saw beautiful.
I looked down at my baby girl to find she was looking up at me. The look of adoration on her face said it all; she saw beautiful too.
As my eyes filled with tears, I released a long-held breath and admitted some of my own truths: I was tired of hiding … and criticizing … and apologizing. It was time to live freely and fiercely, just as I am.
That moment in the pool was the start of a decade-long re-thinking exercise. Part of it involved avoiding the mirror. I realized that was where I attacked myself the most. Another part involved reminding myself if I don’t show up, I will be missed and I will miss out. Another part was taking an exercise class with supportive women of all different shapes, sizes, and life stages who mothered me. Another part was coming to my own defense when my inner critic was mean and nasty. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” I’d say to my hate talker. “Only love today,” came years later, but it was the healing mantra I used to become an encourager rather than a critic.
I still struggle. Every single day. But now I have two sets of eyes watching me, learning from me. And I want my children to live, speak, and move freely and fiercely in this world. I try to learn as much as I can from truth tellers and hope spreaders, like my brave and brilliant friend Glennon Doyle Melton. As I poured over Glennon’s life-altering new memoir, Love Warrior, I was struck by a particular passage. Glennon’s daughters had just asked her what “sexy” means. She writes:
“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside; beauty is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty is on this earth. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular beauty each day … it’s why I read and look at art and always have music playing in the house. It’s why I light candles in every room. It’s why I watch you climb our banyan trees in the front yard. It’s why I roll around on the floor with the dogs, and why I’m always smelling the top of your heads. It’s why I drag you out to watch the sunset each week. I’m just filling up with beauty, because I want to be beautiful. You girls are beauty to me, too. When you smile at me, I can feel myself filling.”
Thank you, Glennon. I want to be full of beauty too. And I desperately want to help my daughters, as well as my sisters and brothers find their beauti-ful too. I’m going to another concert this weekend because live music fills me up. But this time, I’ve tucked a note in my pocket just in case I see a sister who is afraid to stand, dance, or lift her voice to the sky. When I see her, I will reach out my hand and pull her to her feet. And when I have the chance, I will slip her this declaration, which was at least a decade in the making. My prayer is that she will come to believe these truths for herself one day:
Get off the scale. It cannot measure the depths of your heart.
Put down the measuring stick. It is not long enough to assess your worth.
Ignore the score. It does not show your true potential.
Don’t get hung up on the salary. It doesn’t even come close to showing your value.
Ban the mirror. It cannot reflect how much you are loved.
Ignore the critic. It has no idea how far you’ve come.
Instead, look for evidence of a day well lived:
I made someone smile. I gave a tender kiss. I hugged and wasn’t the first to let go.
I encouraged. I laughed. I believed. I lifted. I kneeled. I forgave. I danced. I sang.
I lived.
I loved.
What is most important in life cannot be measured, but instead felt through the hands, heart, and soul of each life we touch.
What gives us value is not a number or a score, but rather our unique contribution to the world or to someone’s life.
Come as you are, precious ones.
If you don’t come, you’ll be missed and you’ll miss out.
Let us lift our hands and sing out loud, taking up as much space as we need to awaken and liberate our beautiful souls.
Glennon & Rachel
***************************************************
My friends, in just a few days Glennon’s soul-stirring memoir releases into the world. In it, she offers soul-bearing revelations about marriage, self-love, body image, faith, grace, and imperfection. I have read the book twice, finding it offers me self-reflection and enlightenment in a way no other book ever has. When I read Glennon’s truths, my own truths become more accessible. My shame falls away, and I am left with real hope and possibility. Glennon shows us that by acknowledging and voicing the dark, painful places within ourselves and our lives, we create a passageway towards acceptance, fulfillment, connection, love, and inner peace. Please consider accepting the life-giving invitation contained in Glennon’s book, Love Warrior. Click here to learn more and pre-order your copy, releasing on Tuesday, September 6.
Friends, when I posted the “Get off the Scale” declaration on Instagram and Facebook a little over a week ago, there was an outpouring of requests to make it into a print. I hired Jenna, an incredibly talented member of our Hands Free community, to design the masterpiece pictured below. Click here to pre-order this beautiful print. Lovely metal cuffs and handmade bracelets inscribed with the mantras ONLY LOVE TODAY and COME AS YOU ARE can be found in the shop, as well. The more masculine-looking “come as you are” reminder bands you requested for your sons and brothers are available now. Thank you for your support!
Friends in Tennessee, tickets are now available for my two speaking events happening there in early October! Iowa, I just found out I am coming to you this spring! Click here to access ticket links & see all my upcoming speaking events. I hope to meet you ALL someday. I cherish you!
Oh my goodness… I just love the way you reach right inside of me, say the things I have in there, and encourage me forward to move on to the next thing in my day/week/month (without any baggage or weight from what was inside)! You are so real, and I thank you for sharing yourself with us. XOXO! All the best to you, Rachel. 🙂
Ansley
Thank you, dear Ansley. I had to take a deep breath before I hit publish today, an indication this was a hard one to put out there. Your loving feedback brings sweet relief to my soul.
Made me cry. Lovely.
Thank you, Kate. I am so glad you are here.
Thanks so much for your truth telling post. Isn’t it so crazy that we love others and never care what they look like, or what size they are, but we struggle to offer ourselves the same grace? I saw Glennon a few weeks ago, and I can’t wait to read the new book. Filling my head and my heart with words from people like you and Glennon make such a difference to me. It has changed my heart and my relationships, especially with my family. The world is full of negative, coming from every direction. I choose to keep it positive, and keep choosing kindness and love.
“Isn’t it so crazy that we love others and never care what they look like, or what size they are, but we struggle to offer ourselves the same grace?” YES! YES! Thank you for stepping into the “light of realness” beside me today and letting me know my truths are not mine alone. Together, there is hope. Thank you, Laura!
Once again I am in floods of tears as I read myself out loud in your words. I have been getting the exact same message from every single direction lately! The message is, “Don’t miss the point! Show up as you are because as you are is just right! No one needs to be a certain shape, size, or look. No one needs to be a certain anything!! The point is love and love is about to become HUGE. So be here! You are needed!!” I love you Rachel, and Glennon too… I cannot wait to be a part of what is beginning!!
Oh my goodness, this gives me goosebumps. Girl, you just wrote your declaration! September 1, 2016, Hillary has declared LOVE is about to become HUGE, and she is needed to do it so she is showing up!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! BEST NEWS OF THE WEEK! I am doing the happy dance with you, sister!
thank you only begins to express my gratitude as I read your words today…
That is enough … sweet Kim … it is more than enough. Sending all my love.
One day when my daughter was 5 years old, I said that I was having a bad hair day. She asked what that was, and then she looked at me and said, “I never have a bad hair day, and you don’t either, Mommy.” I have repeated that to myself so many times over the last 7 years. Now that my daughter is 12 years old, I have to remind her that she never has a bad hair day. It broke my heart the first time it happened.
I am totally in love with that saying and your precious daughter. Let us rejoice in the ‘beautiful’ we see in each other.
I really do not know how you do it. Every. Single. Post. It is so true. Freeing. Touching. Needed. Thank you, for you. You’re such a blessing.
Thank you, Diane. That means so much. I feel incredibly blessed to be the messenger for something far greater than me. Thank you for coming here to read each week.
Thank you Rachel, for another inspiring post. I recently went to see a Broadway musical, “Beautiful!” It’s the story of Carole King, put it on your bucket list and don’t miss it! The traveling show is all over the USA. The song that inspires the show, will inspire your readers… Here are the lyrics that get me going every day:
BEAUTIFUL by Carole King
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I’ve got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don’t see it showing, why do I?
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
I have often asked myself the reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there’s any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
Trying to hold it together at work after reading this. I’ve had a long health journey this year and truly can’t express how much these words mean to me. Thank you.
Absolutely beautiful….spoke straight to my heart. Thank you for continuing to share your gift with us all!!
Beautifully stated. I want to show my twin 3 year old little girls what it means to be comfortable in their own skin by my example. I want them and myself to feel beautiful no matter what. They are enough. I am enough. I have a long way to go, but it’s worth the effort and journey. THANK YOU for this beautiful reminder. My soul is full. Much love- Molly
I so needed to read this today. Usually, I rush through my emails, promising to read them later after separating them to the proper folders. I cried and felt understood and not alone. Thank you for writing this, it allowed my heart to breathe.
While reading this, Bruno Mars’ song came on, literally as I was reading the lyrics your mom said to you. Talk about timing – it was so perfect, and just what I needed to hear, read, and feel today, a day when I woke up and saw the number on the scale had climbed and my poor eating and stress at work were causing changes I was beating myself up over, in the inner monologue of my life. Thank you. Your words always seem to resonate with what I am going through when I read them, and they make each day I read them a better day. You are a blessing to so many. Thank you for being you and sharing your words with so many.
Where can I order that bracelet? I need one to remind me every day “only love today”.
Hi Jennifer – I have the ONLY LOVE TODAY bracelets in my online shop. There are several options to choose from:
metal cuff (both aluminum and copper)
leather bracelet (in brown or lavender)
silicone reminder band
16 years of tears, of embarrassment and shame. That’s how I have lived. I have avoided going to where I grew up. Afraid I’ll run into someone I knew when I was smaller. It’s so hard feeling this way and trying so hard to fix it and always failing. Falling deeper inside myself and afraid to be happy again. Feeling not good enough. I have been working on this for a few months. Loving me for being me. Cheering myself on and feeling glimpses of hope. Not looking for sympathy or anything but wanted you to know this has touched me so much. I don’t know that anyway sees me the way your mother sees you. But I hope my children will ALWAYS know I see them this way. Thank you for sharing.
I am so thankful for your heart. You are truly beautiful. I am so tired of hiding … and criticizing … and apologizing, for who I am. I want so badly to live freely and fiercely, just as I am. But…am I enough? Am I worth it? Those questions still linger, and sometimes cripple with fear. But your words give me courage. Thank you, Rachel Macy Stafford, for your bravery.
(And I absolutely love the way you put song lyrics at the top of every post!) So beautiful.
I love reading your stories. Emotion is creator. Logic is assigned to merely analyze that which emotion created.
I love you, honey! I miss you tons and hope I get to see you. Your face, your voice, and your words give bring me so much joy. xo
There’s an awesome documentary coming out in the States about this subject…it’s called ‘Embrace’ and it’s made by a wonderful Australian film maker, Taryn Brumfitt. Your readers should all look out for it…. I loved it.
https://www.facebook.com/bodyimagemovement
This made me think of that too! I saw it last week and I really have to say, it effected me so much. I walked out of the screening thinking – but how do I change 25+ years of programming in my brain… but the movie has seeped into my core. I literally feel different and I think about the movie all. the. time. The quotes and the statements, I wish I had them written down somewhere because I am sure I have forgotten some. It was wonderful and really life changing.
Thank you so much for this Rachel! It is such an important message. I have never told anyone this but a few months back I was sitting with my mom and looking at some pictures of a fun day we had just had and my mother, whose precious body has housed eight babies, said something so vile about the way she looked in the pictures that it took my breath away. I was speechless. I cried and cried that night when I went to bed. Although I know that my mom was probably just tired and had had a long day, and didn’t really mean what she said, those harsh words have had such an effect on me. It broke my heart to hear my mom talking about herself that way and when I look in the mirror, I have found that I am more critical and I have to remind myself to stop it. I hope your message will go along way in helping all our sisters and friends that body-shaming, especially when doing it in front of your daughter, can affect generations. It doesn’t matter how old they are, please don’t do it!
Tears, friend. This post is so beautiful, and I can’t help but smile at the hope it will bring to the hurts among us. Thank you.
Beautiful words. I love Glennon’s description of Beauty. Thank you for sharing that. And what a head of hair Natalie had. WOW! Adorable!
I just pre-ordered Glennon’s book and yours!! Now the wait begins….
I so needed this. I have a 9-month-old daughter now and I have an adult daughter as well. My mother was my fiercest critic, sometimes I can still hear her in my head but I have worked hard to get her out. I protected my first daughter from her when she told my then 5-year-old that she was fat. I told her if I ever heard her say that or have said that to her again she would never see her again and I meant it with every single fiber of my being and she must have seen that because she never once did say anything else about her weight. I will protect my second daughter with the same fierceness only she will never have to contend with my mother. I am sometimes the worst person to ask about me. I am sometimes the best person to ask about me. My husband loves me the way I am and that helps so much. I want my daughter to know that there is so much more to life than the numbers on a scale or the numbers inside her clothes and I will be teaching her that.