“Once I knew the depth of where no hope was and darkness lay on the face of things.
Then love came and set my soul free.” – Helen Keller
Forever engrained in my mind will be a scream so maniacal, so ear-piercing, so desperate that my older daughter ran and put her arms around her baby sister. They were afraid … but no more afraid than I was of myself. Yelling was my cry for help … my distress flare sent into the sky … my lowest point of desperation. That scream, the one that actually hurt my throat, is one of my greatest regrets and one of my greatest blessings.
Although I did not know how I was going to stop yelling, I was certain I didn’t want my children to grow up afraid. I wanted to be remembered for my smile, not my scowl. I wanted my children to wear love like armor, not scars from sharply delivered words. I wanted to be a safe haven, not someone to avoid. I wanted my children’s inner voice to sound like grace, not inadequacy.
Fast-forward six years to today. I am no longer a yeller. Yes, I get sad, frustrated, angry, hopeless, and insecure, but there is a profound difference in what I do once I get there: I don’t stay there. My ability to come back to love, patience, grace, and positivity did not happen overnight. Maintaining a sense of calm in challenging situations took years of work and painful introspection which I catalog in my first book. But for today’s purposes, I’m going to start small. I want to help someone right now with actionable steps. This small-step approach to change is the whole premise of my new book, ONLY LOVE TODAY. Unlike most books, a powerful takeaway can be gained through a two-minute reading from any point in the book. When taken to heart, the words have the potential to inspire lasting change in your heart and home.
The beauty of the seven suggestions below is they will improve any relationship, not just parent/child. Above all, these suggestions provide what I believe is most critical to ending yelling in your home once and for all: HOPE – hope for who you already are and hope for who you can become.
Find your truest voice
Your truest voice speaks fears. It speaks truths. It speaks hopes. It speaks desires. It speaks dreams. It speaks hurts. Unlike the voice that barks empty threats and sweeping generalizations, your truest voice can be heard. Unlike the voice that spews sarcasm, accusations, and defensiveness, your truest voice feels like peace when it is spoken. Unlike the voice that hurls insults and patronizing words, your truest voice won’t drive you away from the people you love.
I found my truest voice by writing down my thoughts in tiny notebooks. Over the past several years, I’ve released trapped emotions, let go of suppressed memories, and liberated shameful thoughts in my pocket-size notebooks that I carry with me at all times. Through these pages, my angriest voice got weaker and my truest voice got stronger. Through the notebooks, I was able to put feelings into words. I was able to gain clarity. I felt heard by something far greater than myself, and that gave me comfort.
Whether it’s through a notebook, an easel, or the lens of a camera … whether it’s through dancing, singing, cooking, or meditating on a rubber mat … whether it’s through running, coloring, or coin collecting, finding your truest voice and listening to what it uncovers will bring healing.
Go public with your intention
Making a public declaration of my goal was instrumental to breaking my yelling pattern. I informed my daughters what I was trying to work on. I let them know that when I felt like I was losing control, I would say these words: “I’m having a hard time right now.” When they heard that phrase, they knew I either needed space or to do what I was asking them to do. Talking about my outbursts before they happened provided my family with a “heads up” to be gentle with me when I was on the edge.
Other public declarations might sound like this:
I’m making an effort to use a kinder tone of voice. I may need your gentle reminders.
I’m making an effort to let you do more things on your own without my comments, judgment, or criticism. When you say, “I got it, Mom,” I will step back.
I’m making an effort to use a peaceful response in times of stress and overwhelm. Would you put your hand on your heart when I am hurting you with my words or tone as a reminder of my promise?
Post your declaration and read it often. I keep this one by my bedside to recite each morning before I get out of bed:
“Today I will choose love. If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next.” RMS, Only Love Today
Look directly at your loved one before responding
In moments of frustration, challenge, and overwhelm, I make sure I am looking directly into the faces of my loved ones before I respond. In that critical pause, I see people who count on me to care for them, love them, and guide them. I see people who are learning how to live by watching me live. I see people who will use similar responses when they are having a hard time. Taking a three-second pause to look at them, really look at them, enables me to model a response I would be proud see them use in stressful times. Really seeing them helps me come back to a place where my voice can be heard instead of hurtful.
Stop self-sabotage with a sticky note
Once you get into the habit of being hard on yourself and focusing on your mistakes, it’s difficult to stop. But breaking a yelling pattern is not going to come from a place of shame and condemnation. Positive change is going to come from a place of grace and encouragement. To help me when I get into a pattern of harsh self-judgment, I put a sticky note in my pocket. Each time I do something kind, helpful, loving, or patient, I make a hash mark on the note. At the end of the day, I look at my hash marks – whether it’s two or twenty-two – I celebrate the times I chose love over the alternatives.
Recording every positive action with a mark makes this an active process. We are then more apt to notice our goodness, which shifts it away from the failings. By focusing on our positives, it has the tendency to carry over to others.
See What is Good in Others
Another way to stop the yelling pattern is to challenge yourself to voice any and all positives about your loved ones—what they say, what they do, and who they are. Examples:
“I appreciate the kind way you responded just then.”
“I love the way you dug into that meal I made! Thank you for that!”
“You treated your sister so lovingly. Did you see the way she looked at you?”
“I love spending time with you. You come up with the best ideas.”
Human beings, no matter age, respond to praise and affirmation. They will want to do more actions that make you proud. Be sure and notice the joy in his or her face and grab it. Hold on to it. Lethan it give you hope that you are making progress and creating a positive home environment.
*Important note – If there is an issue or problem you need to mention, make it a statement with no judgment. I use Sandy Blackard’s positive approach of Saying What You See: “Your clean clothes are on the floor,” instead of, “Pick those up.” This way, my child is the one who comes up with the solution. Sandy writes, “By listening and letting children solve their own problems, they learn how to get along without your intervention, which you can then point out as a strength.” Through Sandy, I’ve learned the power in leaving out all suggestions unless I know my suggestions will feel like help to my child. My daughters know what is expected of them (they have a list they mark off each morning and each evening that must be completed before screens can be enjoyed.) Utilizing lists alleviates nagging that turns into yelling.
Post and recite mantras until they become go-to phrases
Plastered throughout my house (on kitchen cabinets, bathroom mirror, closet door, and the daily calendar) were pressure-reducing mantras. When I saw them, I recited them. Like stop signs, they helped me slow down to love and be loved:
Mistakes mean we’re learning.
It’s good enough for today.
You are doing the best you can.
Today matters more than yesterday.
Give yourself grace
Sometimes by eight o’clock a.m., I can already name a few things I wished I’d done differently. But instead of beating myself up over them, I remind myself of this: My humanness allows my loved ones to be human. My courage to get up after I stumble gives my loved ones the courage to get up after they stumble. Loving myself despite my failures, flaws, and imperfections gives the people in my life permission to love themselves “as is.” Love doesn’t have to be perfect (or anywhere near it) to be felt, absorbed, and transformative.
You can feel like you’re failing and still BE LOVE.
You can feel like you’re in the dark and still be someone’s light.
You can feel like you’re going under and still lift someone up.
Love prevails over failures, flaws, and imperfect days.
That's what I believe. That's what I live. And that brings me hope.
Friends, the tips I shared in this post are found throughout my new book, ONLY LOVE TODAY – a uniquely formatted daily inspiration book designed to help you find peace and positivity in the struggles of everyday life. As I worked on this post yesterday, I received the most painfully raw and courageous book review from a woman raised by an angry mother. She calls my new book “an answer to her prayers” because it gives her the grace she needs to break the cycle. Beth writes:
“If you’re still struggling to access love because you’ve been shrouded in anger for as long as you can remember, I completely understand. I was too. And some days I still am, even though I don’t want to be. See, anger has a way of growing roots inside us. And those roots run deep, far deeper than you could ever imagine. Even when you think you’ve plucked them all out, it’s not uncommon to realize some may have been missed. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying to pull them all out; it just means you need to get out your toolbox and try again. Only Love Today is one of the most important tools you’ll ever put in your toolbox. It is the book I wish my mother had read. And it is the book I wish every mother would read.” –Beth Nowak, M. Ed. The Words I Wish All Women Would Read
ONLY LOVE TODAY is available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Target stores and Target.com. My publisher has graciously allowed me to extend the pre-order bonus gift through Saturday (3/11). The gift is a collection of 12 hand-lettered reminders to breathe more, stress less, and choose love that can be posted throughout your home. Just email a copy of your receipt to email@example.com. Many of the healing mantras mentioned in this post are wearable wristbands in metal, leather, and silicone. Click here to shop.
Thank you for making ONLY LOVE TODAY an #1 instant bestseller in three categories on Amazon! What a momentous week! I am so grateful for your support of my work, friends of the Hands Free Revolution.
This is so timely for my family! I loved this part so much: “breaking a yelling pattern is not going to come from a place of shame and condemnation. Positive change is going to come from a place of grace and encouragement.”
I am so grateful to you, because I have learned from you over the years how to change myself, but today those words struck me regarding my teenagers — they focus on shame and condemnation in their own challenges. I realize I modeled this pattern for them and now I need to help them truly see what a powerful effect grace and encouragement can have in their life.
I’d love your permission to change the above quote to this: “Breaking a poor habit will not come from a place of shame and condemnation. Positive change will only come from a place of grace and encouragement.” I want to hang this on the wall in our home so that we will all see it and remember to give ourselves grace. Thank you so much for your words and actions. I am accessing grace daily now, and I recognize that it has produced huge changes in myself. I love the new me so much more, and it’s my hope that my children will learn this too so that they can come to see their mistakes simply as a learning process and not the end all.
Thank you for being such a brilliant light! I appreciate the beauty you bring into this world ❤
Rachel Stafford says
Valena, I would be honored for you to hang words in your home that were inspired by me. What an honor. I love that you tweaked them to fit your family. I pray they offer guidance, peace, and hope. Thank you for this blessing today. Love, RMS
Heather Legge says
As you know, your words and what you share have been life changing for me. I am so grateful that I can be better while my kids are still young. Hopefully young enough that we can start over together. We had a big talk on Monday after a very bad weekend. I pray that my new attitude with them is something that will change our home and our relationship.
Rachel Stafford says
Thank you, Heather. One thing you can be sure of is that you are TRYNG … under very stressful circumstances with life and health, you keep showing up. You keep trying to love the best way you can. Take a moment and celebrate the effort that you put in day and day out. Your children notice. They do. I notice too. You are loved, dear one. I believe in you.
I need to print this and put it on my mirror! THANK YOU!
Thank you so much for this. I remember when I first got married, I received the advice that if we argued, we needed to stop and hold each other’s hands, looking at each other. Very difficult to argue that way and it made me step back and realize, this is not worth a disagreement. Fortunately, neither he nor I are prone to arguing, but sometimes when I’m frustrated at petty things, just walking over to him and taking his hand makes me smile and realize THIS is what matters. Not the petty thing that brought agitation. (Excited to get home to my Amazon shipment of your new book this afternoon!)
Hi. I was hoping to be able to ask this question on the Amazon page but couldn’t find the spot….
I’m wondering what the format of this book is like. I saw the “look inside” pages on Amazon but it looks more like a daily devotional type of thing where you read a poem and listen to what to do and how to change. But I’m wondering if the author elaborates on the points from experiences and goes beyond what I’m seeing on Amazon. I liked the format and content of “Hands Free Mama” a lot and am hoping this is similar, but from what I’m seeing, it’s not. Can anyone give me more details? This post certainly is motivating me to buy one but want to get more feedback first…. Thanks!
Rachel Stafford says
Hi Katie – the format is different than my first two books because you can read a stand alone piece (about 2 pages) and have a powerful takeaway from just that single reading. There is an overarching story weaved throughout the book, as well. Some entries are just like the stories you read in HFM. Some are more poetic like the examples provided in the “look inside.” Early readers indicate that the short pieces serve as tools for improving relationships, quality of life, and inner peace. ONLY LOVE TODAY has 83 five-star reviews on Amazon where you could get an idea of what people feel about the format. https://www.amazon.com/Only-Love-Today-Reminders-Breathe/dp/0310346746/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&qid=1470065639&sr=8-1&keywords=only+love+today+book&linkCode=sl1&tag=hanfremam-20&linkId=ee750ee58ed2fc48837700ab9faafcc1
Equally stunning reviews on Goodreads – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30649240-only-love-today
Thanks for asking!
I am so happy for you and your success! Long time reader. And you have changed me in many ways. I thank God for you and I know so many more people will be blessed because of your books. I wish you all the love and acknowledgment you deserve!
Yasmine @ Mommy Cries Too says
These are great steps for us all. I feel that there has been so much anger inside my toddler lately and I’m trying my best to manage my reaction. If I get angry, it only makes things worse.
Today I looked in his eyes and it reminded me that he’s his own little person. He’s just a toddler exploring who he is and how far he can push limits. It’s important for his development. I need to accept him and approach him from a position of understanding. I need him to know that no matter how hard he pushes, his mother will always be there to lead him back to the calm.
Thank you for giving me this moment of clarity and understanding.
Rachel Stafford says
Thank you so much, Yasmine! There is so much hope is your words!
Kim Harris says
I enjoyed reading this!. I now have a teen still home with me. Sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. I have to really think before I speak to her. Because I know if I even sound like I have a bad tone, it hurts her feelings. Plus she’ll strike back!
Some days I’m better at this than others. When we do get upset, we do silly stuff like have water fights! I started one the other day because she was getting on my last nerve! Eventually we’re laughing so hard we forget what we were mad about.
I keep reading this post and tearing up each time. It hits home as I am a yeller and trying desperately to change. I have had too many ear-piercing, throat hurting screams that scare my children, and myself. I want my children to think of me as a good mother, not a scary, evil, angry person. I wear an ‘Only love today’ bracelet daily, and my son knows it as my ‘trying to be a good mommy’ bracelet. Children are so forgiving and innocent, which makes losing my temper and yelling that much more guild ridden. Reading your posts and knowing that someone else out there was able to break this cycle gives me hope. Thank you for that.
Thank you for this wonderful piece. I found this post in the sort of roundabout way that means I really needed to see it today. And, I did.