Hands Free Mama

Letting Go...To Grasp What Really Matters

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Email: rachelstafford (at) handsfreemama (dot) com

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Speaking Requests

In order to live the Hands Free message that she shares on her blog, Rachel has a small and limited speaking calendar. In light of this, Rachel does consider, but cannot respond positively to all requests. If you'd like to make an appearance request, please inquire through the contact form.

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Comments

  1. 1

    I just wanted to take a moment and thank you. I read “Taking Away my Daughter’s Smile” on Facebook this morning. I first had heard about you through a colleague. My son is 7 and daughter is 4. I feel like that entire story I read was about me. Where have I gone. I easily get annoyed like you did and I am missing the flowers and focusing on the weeds more than I wish to. I cannot wait for your book to come out. It is so timely because I am very blessed and I don’t want to miss out on what is truly important because of self-induced pressures and what always needs to get done.

    Reply
    • 2

      Thank you, Alissa. It is messages like yours that makes sharing my own painful truths easier. I am glad to know I am not alone. I think there is so much hope in sharing both our struggles and our commitments to make new choices for the ones we love the most. I am so glad you are here.

      Reply
    • 3

      I wanted to comment after I read the post “the truth about yelling” as it really opened my eyes to see the kind of damage it can do emotionally, in fact it sounded like I was reading about myself. I am so glad I got a wake up call here early enough. My kids are 3 and 2 and they are great kids, no wait, fantastic kids but some days when those many “distractions” get in the way of my role as a mother it does however set something off. I realize now what the real meaning of being a hands free mom is. Thanks so much Rachel and may God bless you with many more insightful posts to help moms like myself.

      Reply
  2. 4

    I love you new shop! Can you tell me if these items are made in the USA? My family is doing a Made in the USA Christmas and I’d love to buy my sister and some friends the bracelets. Thanks!

    Reply
  3. 6

    Dear Rachel,
    Now I am 87 and do well to walk, but there was a day when I could keep up with most of my students. I was a teacher for 32 years. I congratulate you for your story. It was great. I wrote a story that was published in the Houston Chronicle and had a response from a former student. In essence, this is what she had to say. She didn’t remember any math, but I made an off hand remark in which I said I didn’t go to places where I would be uncomfortable going with any of my children. She said it had kept her from getting in trouble because she didn’t know what she would tell her future children and she had also told her children and it has had a positive effect on them. So, when you ran after the little boy, your action that had no relation to what you were teaching, had a far reaching effect. There are some people that are natural born teachers, but the vast majority of us learn to be teachers on the job.
    Long after I retired, I started writing a weekly column in a small weekly paper in the town where I grew up. If you like I will send one. Just let me know. If I had my life to live over, I would still teach.
    Sincerely,
    Lawrence Chapman

    Reply
  6. 10

    Thank you so much. I started staying home with my two year old in September things went great for the first couple weeks she was happier I was happier. Then she started hitting yelling hitting her self then I was yelling back. I too was yelling at her for ridiculous things. I also realized that I was trying to get our house perfect when she would destroy it in seconds then spending all my free time on YouTube or games. Instead I should be spending time with her that’s what I wanted was to spend time with her. I right this to crying realizing how much what she is doing “wrong” is my fault I’m going to give this a try thank you so much.

    Reply
  8. 12

    Thank you for your amazing posts. I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and I can’t stop reading! I have cried, laughed, smiled, and said ‘omg, this is me’ during every story. I want you to know that most of your stories seem to come right out of my life, like ‘Taking away my daughters smiles’ and ‘never saying hurry up again’ . Wow, I didn’t realize until right then the damage I have done to my kids and the heart break I have caused them. My youngest bites and picks at his little lip, and I must say ‘Hurry Up’ a hundred times a day. I am missing out on so much with my little flowers and I’m enjoying the kids that God gave me. Thank you for being my inspiration and writing about the issues that most moms are terrified to admit!! TEARS!!!

    Reply
    • 13

      Thank you, Holli, for taking the time to tell me how my stories have impacted you! It means the world to me. I love knowing that I am not alone. We are in this together. Baby steps toward the life we want to live so we can love the people who make life worth living! So glad you found me!

      Reply
  9. 14

    Wow! As I wipe the tears away after reading this on yelling, I am so happy to have come across these most wonderful words. Being ashamed of my yelling tantrums in fits of frustratations projected on to my children, this helps me to be able to grow & move on & let go of my guilt & shame in order to get to a more peaceful place. Thank you! On the other hand, when I was able to lock myself in my bathroom, just breathe through it, or get through my frustrations without yelling~ I wrote a children’s book that helps express the unconditional love throughout the day with a child. If you are interested-it is titled~
    I Love You Bigger than the Whole Wide World. For further info, you can check it out at antoinetterascon. wordpress.com
    Thank you with immense gratitude~Antoinette

    Reply
  10. 15

    Hello, Ms. Rachel, how you’re doing? I’ve try to make contact with you, but I think my e-mail didn’t get at you. I work with Alexandre, I’m reporter of Crescer Magazine. I would like to ask you two things: First, could you give us the Hand Free Mama’s PDF? And then, could you give us an interview by email to talk about your book?

    Thank you very much,

    Andressa Basilio
    +55 (11) 3767-7839
    abasilio@edglobo.com.br

    Reply
  12. 17

    Parents: What about the idea of treating your husband and children as if they were SPECIAL guests. For instance: When a guest come to visit do you take her/his coat and hang it up in the closet? Do you demand obedience from a guest? Do you assign SCUT work to a guest? Do you say please, thank you, I’m sorry, please excuse me when a guest is present? Are you polite, kind, gracious, pleasant and generous to a guest?
    Important questions to ask.

    Reply
  14. 19

    Sat in my car at a Sonic this morning reading this as I waited on my Coke. Tears just started rolling down my face as I felt like I was reading something someone had written about my life?! This is so me and something I have struggled with inside for so long!! I have wanted to change it some how
    Some way and always seem to fail ? I wish so desperately to make the change you did 🙂 what a blessing for you!

    Reply
  15. 20

    Thank you for your encouragement in living a more hands free life. I have pre-ordered your book and look forward to reading it. I am the mom of three girls under age 6 and have known for some time that I am way too distracted.

    I am wondering however how you have found a balance. Do you set specific rules and guidelines for yourself? Time on the computer? Time on the internet? Time cleaning your house? Time preparing meals?

    I love the concepts that you share, but can’t figure out how to fit it all in. Becoming “hands free” seems very extreme. What if I need to make a call or look up an address? Are FB and Instagram horrible? Because that is one way that I stay in touch with family who is far away. Is it so bad to feel like I need a break from my kids and to lay down on the couch for a few minutes in the afternoon?

    I would love to read practical applications of how all of this works in your life. Have you set up definitive rules to live by? I would love to know.

    Thanks so much.

    Reply
  16. 21

    Hi Rachel,

    I saw this post aout Yelling amd it kind of struck a note. i guess all moms at some point pf their life go through that phase. i am trying to be hands free and enjoy the moments of childhood and view life from their point of view and not from pur point of view of what life should be.

    My only question is how do you balance the value system you want them to grow up with ? For eg, we go late to school almost every single day. I want my son to develop a value of being on time and it is ok if you go late once in a while bit I do not want him to grow up with the value of it is ok to be late for an appointment. How do you balance the value system ? Most of the time we all get frustrated because of internal and external expectations and distractions. We can try and let go of external distractions, external expectations and am fighting hard to let go of the internal expectations.

    Thanks for your input and thoughts… Great blog and it gives us all a mirror to look at and correct the mistakes without committing it in our life.

    Thanks
    Bhuvana

    Reply
  17. 22

    I have to take the time to say thank you for sharing this message. As I read it uncontrollable tears fell down my face. This story came across my computer at the very moment I needed it most. I have been battling with my very own demons, constantly feeding my mind negative stuff about me and all my imperfections. I also have had how I treat my oldest daughter weighing heavily on mind. I remember vividly the first time I ever yelled at her and immediately after doing so thinking it sounded horrible. However, in that very second of my decision to yell, and not even getting the result I was looking for, began a terrible habit I have yet to be able to break. Thank you again for sharing this message, know you have touched my heart deeply and I am challenging myself to use the STOP strategy.

    Reply
  18. 23

    I would like to be notified of your posts by email. You recent post has changed my life… I pray I will make the changes I need to to live again.

    Reply
  19. 24

    Rachel…As I read your story my eyes teared up and I had to choke the rest down. This is totally me. I am 40 years old now, work full time an hour away and have the most sensitive wonderful son that I miss often due to my schedule. I struggle financially, but try to tell myself there are more important things in life than work and schedules. I am that master of perfection and with anxiety find myself throwing orders out and rushing my my poor child too often. I cannot express how you hit home. I love God and my son more than anything. You have enlightened me so! I will start TODAY! No more hectic ordering around, no more demands that really amount to nothing. I want to thank you for waking me up 🙂 God Bless you and your family. ONLY LOVE TODAY!

    Reply
  20. 25

    Read your bully article on MSN Living. So much of me and my daughter in this article, I actually didn’t finish it through. Was too hard. I lost her 5 years ago tragically. She was 17. Spent the last 5 years living in sorrows and regret. Being a military family with constand deployments didn’t help. I think at the end I was beyond a lot of my parenting issues, but I think of the damage done earlier. So much fear and focus on her future as an adult, I never truly enjoyed her or relaxed in the present enough. As a teacher of military children, I see many of my parents going down the same path. Many military spouses would benefit from hearing from you!

    Reply
  21. 27

    Hello,
    I am so grateful for your work that you share. I had a suggestion for a bracelet. I would love to see one that has “only love today ” printed on it, as it would be wonderful to glance at that many times every day. Thanks!

    Reply
    • 28

      You are so kind! And thank you for the bracelet idea. Lots of people have requested that. My sister in law helps me with the store & she and I are going to work on getting that done tomorrow. In a couple weeks, we should have them from our talented bracelet-making friends.

      Reply
      • 29

        I figured that I wasn’t the first to suggest it 🙂 I will check the store in a few weeks…I will love wearing it! Thank you so much.

        Reply
  22. 30

    I am not surprised that I am not the first to suggest it. 🙂 I will be sure to check the store in a few weeks. I will love wearing it! Thanks so much.

    Reply
  23. 32

    I say thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your blog is a huge blessing! I have two small children that mean the world to me and your words have penetrated my heart. Your wisdom, perspective, and transparency are priceless. Each time I read your blogs I cry because your words embrace me as a mom with grace and love. God has blessed me with my son and daughter and I want to live life to the fullest with them creating as many wonderful memories as possible and your blog is helping me to do that. The post about saying saying stop and only love have made the past couple of days so much brighter. Blessings to you for this blog!

    Reply
  24. 34

    Dear Rachel, I can’t thank you enough for your post, A Bully Too Close to Home.” It was so scary yet so humbling to read as it reminded me so much of my life right now. I feel like all I do is bark at my girls. I feel that my day is just filled with negativity, hurry ups and we are going to be late if you don’t do… My oldest, who is 6, is really suffering from anxiety. Every time she has to get ready to go somewhere, she throws a fit about what she is wearing. It can even be an outfit she chooses. It can be so tiring and so wearing on our family when she throws these fits. I have tried to be patient and to be positive when she does this, but now I am just finding myself getting mad at her and then criticizing myself the whole day for being such a bad mom that yells. I am not sure why my oldest has started doing this. I tend to want to put blame on my husband because he is not home that much, our marriage is unraveling, my depression and the list can go on of excuses I try to make and really it is how I have reacted to the challenges I have going on right now. I also know it is about how I feel about myself and how I try to be this super mom that I am not. I see these moms that seem to have everything, a great job, a wonderful husband, good friends that are supportive and still have time for not only themselves but for their kids. I know my oldest and I am sure my 3 year old is also suffering from my anger and resentment that I seem to have about everything. After reading your story, especially your example of you running down to your basement to see why your youngest was crying, and to see that your oldest was not even going to try to convince it was not her fault, I got these huge lump in my throat. It was like I was reading my story. I do this and need to stop. I want to stop and I want to be better not only for me but for everyone around me. I just got my “Hands Free” pledge in the mail yesterday. I can’t wait to frame it and put on display for a daily reminder of how to be a better mom, and most importantly “Hands Free.” Thank you so much for your blog, your encouraging words and just being real. You have touched this broken mom and I pray that as I put back each new piece of me every day, I remember to just “love for today.” God Bless you!
    Amy

    Reply
    • 35

      Amy, thank you so much for your open, honest, heartfelt words. I am so touched by what you have shared with me. I have received hundreds of emails from people asking for help in silencing the inner bully and being more positive with their children. I am going to cut & paste what I have shared with them in case there is something here that might help you too.

      Andrea Nair is a brilliant author who specializes in the connection between parents and children. Andrea immediately wrote a post that describes a practical and powerful strategy that we can all start implementing today, right now. Here is the link to “Seven Steps to Being Less Harsh on Our Kids”: http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-button-pushing/20131212/steps-to-being-less-harsh-on-our-kids

      I also reached out to Sandra Blackhard, Author of “Say What You See For Parents & Teachers.” She provided these tips for strengthening or rebuilding relationships with children and yourself:

      • It’s never too late to turn around your relationship with your child. A key factor in your relationship with your child is your relationship with yourself. When you become aware that you want or need help, or believe your child might, trust your instincts and DON’T WAIT! Help is available in the form of books and professionals such as coaches, counselors, therapists and doctors. They can help you bring love and understanding to yourself and your child and provide tips and tools for keeping your relationship intact.

      • To rebuild or strengthen your relationship, the first step is ALWAYS connection. This step helps you understand the child’s perspective, underlying motivation, wishes and intentions while helping you remain objective and calm. Listening, observing and objectively describing what you see and hear is the easiest way to start. Avoid judgment, criticism, questions and advice while connecting. Hugs, play wrestling and other forms of physical contact also bring connection.

      • Children don’t think like adults, but this doesn’t mean the way they think is wrong. You can consider childhood as the testing phase for cause and effect logic to a child anything really is possible. What they tell you is a window into that world – the world where fantasy becomes discovery. You can provide facts as a child requests, but remind yourself to listen with wonder, not skepticism.

      • Acknowledge children’s good intentions, especially when things have gone badly. Your child’s good intentions tell you who your child really is. The accidents and problems that their actions may create are valuable learning experiences that you can use to help the child achieve their goals and fulfill their intentions. It takes a while to figure out how this world works. Your job is to be their guide.

      • Children welcome do-overs. Do-overs really do rebuild connection. Blame and “I told you so’s” are not part of a do-over. Do-overs are all about seeing the child’s point of view, apologizing for your emotional explosion or mistake, and working together to solve the problem that set it off. Even though you would prefer to catch yourself in the moment or stop yourself before you started, do-overs can be your saving grace – now and always. Do-overs let children (and us) see who we really are – a loving, understanding parent who sometimes forgets themselves when feeling mad. But the loving, understanding one is the real one, and our kids know it. They hate it when we disappear and they can’t reach us (that’s the tears), but they remain surprisingly ready to welcome us back. It’s up to us to take the first step.

      Sandra Blackhard and her colleagues have kindly offered their contact information so people can reach out directly to them about issues they are facing.

      If you feel like there should be something you can do to turn things around but you don’t know what it is, feel lost, stuck or overwhelmed, contact:

      Sandra & Eva, parenting/life coaching: http://www.languageoflistening.com

      If you feel hopeless like nothing you do will ever work, or if you or your child(ren) are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, attention problems, self-inflicted injury, suicidal thoughts, or are simply wishing for healing, contact:

      Theresa, PhD, licensed psychologist: http://www.theresakellam.com

      Recommended Books:

      Brene Brown has written several books that helped me overcome my inner bully. I highly recommend these two books by her:

      “The Gifts of Imperfection”: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/159285849X/wwwbrenebrown-20

      “I Thought It Was Just Me”: http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=pd_sim_b_2

      I also highly recommend this book:

      Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: http://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1387183818&sr=1-1&keywords=dr.+laura+markham

      Dr. Markham also has a blog that is a valuable resource to parents with children of all ages: http://www.ahaparenting.com

      I hope I have provided some additional resources that will help you take further steps toward the life you want to live & the person you want to be. It’s not too late.

      With gratitude,

      Rachel

      Reply
  25. 36

    Hi Rachel,

    I just found your blog. It looks great and sounds perfect I’d like to give you one suggestion. I’d LOVE to read it but the contrast of the text is much too low. It hurt my eyes to read one page. If you could increase the text contrast it would be so much easier to read.

    happy holidays,
    Lesley

    Reply
    • 37

      Hi Lesley, thanks for the feedback. I just had my blog re-designed, so I am still tweaking it based on reader suggestions. My web designer has darkened the font based on your feedback. I hope it is more readable. Thanks!

      Reply
  26. 38

    To find such encouragement from a stranger, to improve my life and my family’s, because she is sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings is a rare treasure. Keep your wonderful words and insights flowing as you continue on your journey!

    Reply
  28. 41

    Hello, my name is Karri Neese and I came across your blog while researching distracted parenting. You see I am a kdg teacher of 15 yrs and I recently was recognized as teacher of the year at my school. Well, as part of that process, I will be writing about major issues that I feel have effected education positively and negatively over my teaching career. Your “hands free mama” approach is exactly what I am trying to convey to my parents of my students. I would like to use some of your suggestions and possibly refer to ur blog in my teacher of the year report. But definitely would like your permission and blessing beforehand. I want to join hands with you and start a hands free revolution among our families and I would like to start it with me And my student body! Please consider my request and feel free to respond it you have any concerns with my request. I saw you were once a teacher, so you know my passion! 🙂 thank you for what your doing, I would love to read your book. I will be looking for it. I would even like to start a book study in my school, if I can get others on board! Thank you for your time and consideration. Karri neese

    Reply
    • 42

      I would be HONORED, Karri, to be mentioned in your project. Feel free to email me if you need anything. I may even be able to get you a copy of my book that comes out on Tuesday called Hands Free Mama. It is FULL of ideas to help people become less distracted and more connected.

      Congrats on your “teacher of the year” recognition. That is outstanding. I appreciate the work you do for our precious children.

      Reply
  30. 44

    Hi Rachel,

    What a beautiful website/blog! I’m a writer by profession and a new blogger, and just yesterday I blogged about putting down my phone and paying attention to my kids. (I have two-year-old twins and a four-month old.) Started searching the topic today and found you. This is wonderful work you’re doing. Bravo. I’m so happy to be following along!

    Reply
  32. 47

    Thank you for everything Rachel. I live in Central Queensland Australia on a cattle property, am the mother of two small children and your words have been like a warm soothing balm on a fresh wound. I struggled like mums all over the world learning how to juggle children and my career (yes being a grazier is a career and it requires a lot of intelligence and study to be a good one!) Life is so wonderful and yet soooo different after having children it takes a lot to get ur head around it all! I look forward to receiving your blog every time and I wait until I have a quiet moment to read it so that I can really absorb the message. I’m sorry that there are people out there who would criticise your openness, it never even occurred to me that that would happen! Thank you again for your braveness, honesty and beautiful spirit and also thank you to your beautiful girls – without them I doubt that you would have such positive power to affect as many lives as you have!! Thank you especially for your bracelet there is only love today, I try to live my life by it!

    Reply
  33. 49

    With incredible respect and gratitude I write to say thank you for sharing your story and your message with the world.

    Your transparency and courage are a daily inspiration to me to keep on trying to do better. To be better. You have a gift with words and to say What you are doing with that gift is important, is an understatement. It is absolutely crucial.

    You are that voice for so many struggling yet too afraid to be honest. For all those too ashamed to open up; you are that long awaited icebreaker. That sigh of relief. You are light and love and refreshingly sweet honesty. You offer hope and healing to broken hearted souls by letting us know we are not alone and there is still time to change. We are GOOD moms, (NOT monsters) who are trying desperately to find our way out of the dark, back to a place of love. We just need a little help. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping.

    I stand with you in support to say: Carry on. Stay brave. God has chosen you for a grand purpose. May He bless you and your mission as richly as you have blessed all of us!

    Reply
    • 50

      You have touched my heart with your beautiful affirming words, Danise. These are words I will remember again and again and again.

      I am grateful to all these supportive comments on this blog post today and to have so many authentic and loving people walking beside me on this journey.

      Reply
  34. 51

    About a week ago my husband started a difficult conversation with me about how I’m not reaching my children by yelling at them. Unlike your daughter, my daughter does not fear me when I yell, she laughs at me, which is to say she continues not to listen. After my husband left for work I opened an email my sister in-law sent with your “Bully…” blog. What incredible timing. After wiping away tears I vowed to make a change. Everyday has been a challenge but I’m proud to say that I have already seen a huge change in myself and I’m committed to being a calmer, more patient mom. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your stories with us, I’m forever grateful.

    Reply
  35. 52

    I found your blog on a similar journey, as with many of the mamas following you. The concept of “3 word meditations” has grown out of my own journey as well as insights you have shared. It started just as a means of inserting positive phrases to my self-talk, but I began to realize the most powerful phrases contained only 3 words. Such as you have shared: “Be Here Now”, and “Only Love Today”. I imagine you’ve blogged on this concept already, but I wanted to share a few more “3 word meditations” that have been moving my life.
    Grace And Peace
    Assume Best Intentions
    Elevate Your Peers
    Gentleness Is Effective
    Do Your Best
    Never GiveUp

    I’d love to hear other 3 word meditations people use to turn around the talk in our minds.
    Thank you again for all you share
    Patty

    Reply
  37. 54

    It happened when I didn’t think it would. I thought my sons were too old (16, 14, 10) for me (and them) to benefit from Hands Free. I thought I’d missed my chance. Then my 14 year old invited me to a pillow fight while the 2 of us stepped into the hotel room. My brain and heart fought for a brief moment. I didn’t want to mess up the room. I wanted to get back to the pool where the rest of my family was waiting. Luckily, my heart said “go for it” (thanks to Hands Free reading). I shouted “yes!” and for the next 2 minutes we duked it out laughing and playing together. It was the my favorite part of the vacation, and it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been reading your book. I am forever grateful, and so excited that I can choose Hands Free living and experience memory making moments with my sons at the ages they are.

    Reply
    • 55

      Thank you, Dana. You have brought me to tears. The happiest kind of tears. I am grateful to walk this journey with you. Thank you for reminding us all that it’s not too late. And to listen to our heart!

      Reply
  38. 56

    Dear Rachel,
    I am a mother of a 3.5 year old and a 17 month old. I just finished your book and ordered a bracelet for myself as a reminder. Thank you for sharing your stories and publishing a book. Throughout the book, I was brought to tears many times. Thank you for allowing me to realize ways to improve and what really is important in life and especially in these early years. Today, I was making the bed and my daughter asked if she could “PLEASE” jump on the bed just a little bit. To her surprise, I said yes. The smiles and laughs during the few minutes of jumping were priceless. Thank you, Rachel.
    Alethia

    Reply
  39. 57

    I just recently found your blog and FB page and am so happy I did. You hit the nail on the head every time and in reading your words, I know I’m not alone. Thank you for that. I ordered (and just received) a “Live Hands Free” bracelet today and absolutely love it. One question though: I have slender wrists and the strap is much too long. Would you recommend trimming it and if so, what should I use? I don’t want to hack it to pieces after only just getting it but the extra is flopping all over the place!

    Thank you for your inspiration …

    Reply
    • 58

      Hi Vicki, thank you for the kind words about my blog! I trimmed my bracelet for myself and my daughters, too. I would just use a good pair of scissors and cut at an angle. I find that makes it easier to put it through the buckle. You will love it so much more without that extra flapping around! Thanks for asking! My sister-in-law runs the shop for me and she recently began adding a little instruction card so people know they can trim the strap and how to do it. Thanks for your support!

      Reply
      • 59

        Thanks for the reply, Rachel. I did actually find the instruction card after I posted my message to you. It must have fell out in the car as I couldn’t wait to get home to open the package after stopping off at my mailbox. I trimmed the bracelet and I LOVE it! Now I think I have to get the “Only Love Today” one …

        Reply
  40. 60

    Hi! Thank you for your voice!

    I am wondering if you sell wholesale? I would also love to host you in Indianapolis for an event if you are ever interested!

    Just as a fun note, beginning next month, we are starting our Imaginary Friend Playgroup for wee ones 3-6 and our Guardian Angel Playgroup for 7-10 year olds. Thank you for your time today! Have a beautiful one! <3 w love…vicki

    Reply
  41. 61

    I just read your article about yelling at your kids in a Spanish parenting Facebook page, and with tears in my eyes I realized that it isn’t too late to stop yelling at mine. I overreact a lot of times and I have also seen fear in the eyes of my Alex when he knows I’m about to yell at him. I feel so bad about this and many times I have thought that it might be too late (he’s 5) and that he will fear me for the rest of his life. But you just gave me hope. I’m going to stop today. Thank you.

    Reply
  42. 62

    Rachel,

    I just finished reading your book, and I feel strongly that I need to thank you for what you have done for me and my family. In sharing your thoughts and experiences, you have validated so many of the concerns and feelings that have dominated my heart for a very long time. In sharing your journey of transformation, you have given me tools that I can realistically employ towards my goal of changing my story (and those of my children) before we’ve missed out on even more Sunset Moments.

    My kids are nine and six, and I’ve missed a lot. They’ve missed a lot, too. It pains me to admit that I’m a stay-at-home mom who has still managed to put housework, volunteer commitments, and a meaningless pursuit of perfection before simply enjoying our time together as a family. I know that I will still have my control freak days, but your book is helping me to take baby steps towards being the woman, wife, and mother that I want to be. I believe that your words have been God’s vehicle for a message that he has been asking me to hear for a long time, and I know that He will walk with me as I try to change. Thank you for speaking up and for helping families to fight back in this age where distractions will rob us of our joy if we let them. Your work means so much, and I’m grateful.

    Reply
  43. 63

    Im glad I stumbled on to your page. right now at this very moment I am a mom struggling to fix things between my twin nine year old girls. we have some major issues. Your page I believe can hopefully help me fix the rift between us.. I admite I wasn’t thinking the way Iam raisisn my girls is they way I thought I would be raising . I need a change im finding good advice and hope here. thank you so much.

    Reply
  44. 64

    I just read your article the important thing about yelling.
    I do exactly all those things that you mentioned in your article
    and I feel extremely guilty right now.
    I am a yeller, and I really want to stop.
    I am obsessed with cleanliness and organising things that I can’t stand the mess little kids make. This is an eye opener, thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  45. 65

    I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog! I am a stay at home mom of two incredible children (5 and 7) and two older step daughters. My patience has been so low for the last few months. I very suddenly lost my father 3 months ago and my 21 year old step daughter has moved in with us. Needles to say, I am frustrated beyond belief and my patience wears thin pretty much every day. Every time I lose my patience with my children I feel guilty. I woke up this morning and found your blog, I would say it was meant to be! Thank you for helping me see that every day is a new opportunity to show my children good choices and how important they are to me by being kind and patient.

    Reply
  46. 67

    I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the truth that I had buried deep within myself. My perfectionism and control freak tendencies have too often left me exhausted and an extreme yelling machine. I have become something I had never envisioned myself being. I have lived too many of my days in regret. Wanting to not even awake in the morning afraid of what type of “mommy monster” would appear.
    I am two weeks into my hands free journey and more joy has entered our home.
    My breakthrough occurred when my family recently had a beach day. Normally I would sit there on my phone, never to even touch the water. I would say to myself, this is my time to just relax. My husband would be the one to go in the ocean and play with the kids ages 8, 6 & 4. But today was different. I was reading your book and you wrote how you didn’t like to get your hair wet at the pool. Well… I didn’t like to get my hair wet either OR to be cold OR to be seen in my suit. I finished the chapter and my husband came and sat down next to me. I mentioned, “I don’t know the last time I went swimming in the ocean.” He said, “Me either. What happened to the Jessica who would jump in the ocean any chance she got?” I wondered what happened to her too. I was so tightly wound up I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I looked up and saw my 6 year old jumping in the waves on his own while the 8 and 4 year old were busy digging in the sand. I turned to my husband and said, “I’m going to go make that kids day right now!” My husband looked shocked. I walked quickly to the shore and my 6 year old walked toward me like he was already expecting my arrival! He held out his hand to grab mine and we walked further into the ocean together hand in hand, both of us grinning ear to ear. Yes, his held out hand was my sweet confirmation for this new journey! We played for over and hour…floating on our backs and body surfing. My 6 year old was the one I felt most distant with but thanks to you, I won my child’s heart back and in the process am gaining the life I envisioned in my pre-child days. I am now completely off facebook, talk to my children in the car instead of zoning out and have designated tech free times each day! I’ve shared your book with all the mamas I know. It’s a must read for anyone who is serious about living life as God intended-with abundant joy! We all want this, we just don’t know how to get there. Thanks for showing us that there isn’t really all that far away!

    Reply
  47. 69

    I just read “The Important Thing About Yelling” and I am now in tears! I am that Mom that you were ashamed to admit that you had become. As much as I try to manage everything & be Superwoman, I realized that I just can’t! Hubby gets to go off to work while I am at home managing two kids, household chores, cooking & a fledgling bakery business. As much as I try to get things done while the kids are asleep, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. You have encouraged me to do on a regular basis what I had the foresight to do every so often & that is to calm down, take a breath, be ok with what I am able to get done, enjoy my kids & most importantly, stop losing my cool & raising my voice around my children. THANK YOU!!!!!

    Reply
  48. 70

    I am the coordinator of our local MOPS (mothers of preschoolers). We recently had our yearly planning retreat. During discussion, we realized that EVERY SINGLE one of the women there feels like we are too distracted, that we spend to much time on our phones/facebook, yadda, yadda… Since this was an across the board issue with our leadership, we decided it most likely is something the rest of our moms deal with, too. So we decided to try to do a group study as your book over the course of the year. To kick it off, I would like to do a meeting themed “TechNO” mama and focus on putting our phones/computers down and being present. Ideally, it would be awesome to have you as a speaker, but even if you could come, I’m not sure we’d even have the budget for it. So my question to you is twofold: Do you have any kind of podcast/video you have done on this topic or would you be willing to do one? If not, do you have any ideas for a live or recorded speaker? Thanks so much!

    Reply
  49. 71

    Rachel, please keep repeating. Your blog and your book have been helping me for awhile now during my journey to become the parent and person I want to be. The way you have focused on perfectionism, overcommittment, self blame and criticism which comes out on others hits the nail right on the head. And I slide back and those are the times when I need to hear the repeat, when I need to hear that I am not back to the starting point, that I won’t get it right every time especially when other stresses are weighing on me. Just yesterday I couldn’t figure out why my youngest was having such a tantrum. I knew she had missed her sister who had been away and was now home. I realize today she jut wanted to be included. We were making sandwiches, my 8 year old and I and my 3 year old just wanted a job, wanted not to be told to “go find something to do”. Of course. I can see it now. Sometimes it is so hard to truly put the other worries aside to hear what is going on. Practice. Right? Thank you for all you have done for me. I am here listening for a repeat.

    Reply
  50. 72

    I just read ur article about yelling. I have had a sleepless night due to the rage balloon popping yesterday when my 4 year old had an accident of the toilet kind. Perfect timing to find ur article on facebook. Thank u. I will definitely try to change my attitude and just breath. Pamela n ireland

    Reply
  51. 74

    Wondweful, Im from Guatemala, central América and my husband públic On Facebook one of yours posts in spanish and I got tears. Im so interéting un your book On spanish 🙂 is moré easy for me… 😉 .. Im so idendify with your words and thoughts …. Just wonderful, I know God give you a gift and Thanks to share with us …….

    Reply
  53. 76

    Hi Rachel, I must confess that I saw in FB a publication days ago about not yelling to our children and I totally ignored it, not sure why, I guess because there is so much information in internet that there is a point that you just start ignoring it. However, today, was the second day I saw it and it was on a FB wall of a person that I admire, so my curiosity won.

    I loved your article, I have a boy (3 years old almost 4) and a girl ( 2 years old) so, you can imagine, my life totally changed, my apartment is literally a mess, and several times I had experienced that feeling of anger, and unfortunately I had seen that look of fear in my daughter eyes. She is small, but independent, she wants to do things by herself without help, and sometimes because I am in a rush, I give her water in a common glass, forgetting that she is a small person, thinking in her as someone of my age.

    Obviously, with her small hands, several times, she had dropped water in the floor and that used to make me angry, especially when the housework was finished, until I understand that it was my fault. My fault for not giving her water in her tiny glass, and for not understanding that she is small and that accidents happened just as they happened to me (to be honest I was like 7 or more and I used to dropped things in the floor often).

    Therefore, I really want to have my Hands Free, honestly, to raise my kids, to teach them, but above all that, to love them. Instead of fear, I want them to love me back and see me as someone trustful where they can come back and feel safe and loved.

    Receive a big hug from this Mexican mommy learner, and don´t leave your cause, don´t let the hackers steal the most precious thing God gave you, the power to transform lives by your writing…

    Reply
  54. 77

    I just wanted to say thank you for your honestly and sharing your story. I read you book and felt myself nodding my head in agreement most of the way through it. One of my favorite stories was the one you told about not staying at the birthday party with your girls because you were in sweats and not dressed. I remembered that story when I recently found myself in a similar situation and I made a different, better, decision as a result of remembering your words, so thank you!

    Reply
  55. 79

    Thank you for the thing about yelling. It was like u peered into my home and witnessed my struggles with my 3 & 6 yr old. I have felt terrible shame at times, crying myself to sleep over the poor mgmt of my girls’ little disputes. Thank you for sharing and for your recommendations. I will follow them and be easier on them and myself. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
    Ani

    Reply
  56. 80

    La verdad no se q hacer me siento frustrada sin animos ni fuerza para lidiar con mis dos hijos y mi marido, no se q hacer no se hacer nada en realidad no me nace hacer nada quiero dormit y no despertar es importante para mi q alguien me ayude me siento mal inutil y ciega sin poder ver ninguna luz en este tunel tengo 21años y no se q hacer con mi vida no me siento motivada auxilio…..

    Reply
  57. 81

    I am the older child of a distracted mom. I have to thank you. Every single thing you post makes me cry. For at least an hour.
    Because I wish my mom realized what you realized.
    Because I realized what she didn’t.
    I broke the cycle.
    I am 25 years old today. And this year I gave myself the present of being present.
    Without judgement. Without my mother disapproving facial expression looking down on me in every small mistake.
    Only love today.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  58. 82

    Love your blog. It inspires me to be a better mom, a better person. I know you are busy being the best mom you can be but if/when you get time could you swing over and take a glance at my blog? I’m new to mom blogging and trying to soak in advice from those of you who do it so well. I would be thrilled if you had the chance to swing by and give me some very quick tips/advice on how you made it this far. What am I doing well, where am I struggling…just at first glance? I appreciate honesty. My appraoch is to be helpful/honest/humorous.

    I appreciate your time. Merry Christmas 🙂

    http://www.momboss.net

    Reply
  59. 83

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your blog and the reminders that it gives me to slow down and enjoy this fleeting time with my little loves!

    Reply
  61. 85

    Just stumbled upon your blog on someone’s Facebook page and I am so happy I did! Thank you for sharing your wonderful outlook on life:)

    Reply
  62. 86

    I just wanted to say how much your story and life parallels with mine..or at least your thoughts! I can’t agree with you more on your philosophy. Having a life with triplets (3 yrs old) and fulltime job, I am always trying to remember to slow down and savor the monents (something I struggle with daily)!! I can not wait to read your book.

    Thank-you for sharing!
    Katherine Emmert-Kozo RN, MSN

    Reply
  63. 87

    Dear Rachel, Saw your blog on FB and it has made me want to change a few things in my life. I ordered the bracelet only love today and can hardly wait to wear it. My life is different from yours my children are grown but I love your outlook on life about letting go of stressful stuff that I have no control over. Thanks for sharing your story and your beautiful saying Only Love Today. I plan on repeating it for the rest on my life.

    Reply
  65. 90

    Dear Rachel,
    I read your blog about the need to stop yelling. … and I felt I had gone through the same situation s…and ur article was as if I was reading my own mind. …
    I am from India and here a wife has to take and literally serve her in laws in all ways….my day is really hectic wid no time to even take care of my own self…. I had always thought to myself dat to should never hit my daughter or behave in such a way to instill fear in her… but in real life. Everything was out of control….cooking. .cleaning…takin care of inlaws , husband nd guests had taken toll over my patience. … and I would yell at my 2 year old daughter b coz of d work load. ..
    One day I had just too many guests at home. And lots and lots of work….wen I finished most of it nd went into my bed room my 2.5 year old daughter had made a mess in my bedroom. The sheets were soiled. .. l looked in the bathroom there she was tryin to wash up herself and had dirtied the entire bathroom. .I totally lost my calm and started yelling at her showing her the damage she had done. I even spanked her… and cleaned up everything….After such after tiring day. . I was so angry wid her. …I saw fear in her eyes filled wid tears….
    At the end of the day wen u went to put her to sleep… I told her never to repeat that. .. but wid tears in her eyes my daughter. ..’ sorry maa but I dint want to trouble u…. U are workin d whole day so I wwanted to wash up myself ‘
    My heart broke. .. This little child was actually tryin to help me…
    Then I said to myself I am never goin to yell at or spank dis little helpless kid. .
    This changed since den….
    I control my anger. ….
    Now wen she is doin mistakes in her homework sometimes I do get frustrated. …but I tell her to sit on my lap il, I hug her, and teach her,,, now she doesn’t get stressed…. and doesn’t have fear in her eyes…
    I have stopped yell in nd have b com a better parent.

    regards
    Prathima.

    Reply
  66. 91

    I was interested in your “only love today” bracelets but, are they only available in leather or plastic? Do you have a simple metal version?
    Thank you for your words and sharing your journey.
    Teresa

    Reply
  68. 94

    I really want to treat myself to one of your beautiful bracelets. Can you tell me where they are made? Thanks!

    Reply
  69. 96

    This is beautiful. I read it out loud to my kids after lunch, they fell asleep 🙂 I believe it’s because the message is beautiful and puts them at ease. I could picture the illustrations as a children’s book. Have you thought about making it a children’s book? I hope you seriously concider it.

    Reply
  70. 97

    I am truly memorized by your theory and techniques! I like most have alot going on. Aside from working full time and then part time from home, I am volunteering for my son’s hockey association, however, my boys should be my main focus. But honestly after working all day and get home, dinner, baths, homework, it does not leave alot of time. I need to make the time we do have special!!
    My 8 year old son can take eons of time to get ready in the morning, have his shower at night, anything!!!. I will look in his room when he should be doing something and he is just looking out the window!! I now realize he just likes to take it all in, having said that though things still need to be accomplished but i need to figure out how to deliver that message to him gently, any suggestions??
    My 5 year old on the other hand, gets it all done first then moves on so he can get on with his day.
    But I am going to make the commitment to not use the words “Hurry up” I am worried this is going to be challenging for me but I am going to try and succeed!
    Thank you for your inspirational words and I look forward to reading more from you!

    Reply
  71. 98

    I hope you are having a wonderful Summer enjoying with your family! Do you have a mailing address so that I can mail you some love rocks from Oregon if you would like? 🙂

    Reply
  73. 100

    Just read about you combing your daughters hair. …resonates with me in so many ways. Thank you!

    Reply
  76. 104

    I came across your blog and read the 3 second pause…. All I want to say is… THANK YOU! I needed to read that tonight.

    Reply
  77. 106

    Ive just discovered your site tonight and can’t wait to read and learn. One can never love to much! Thank you for opening our eyes to the little moments that make life meaningful!

    Reply
  78. 107

    Hi Rachel. I pre-ordered your book a couple years ago and had to put it down after the first chapter because of the demands of life. Since then I took a demotion at work and picked up reading it again. I just finished chapter 9 and I think of your words when going about my days. There is a blinding problem I’m having and I’m hoping you can help me with it. There is not time. Not enough time. I have 3 kids and I work full-time and I run late for work. When I do the undistracted things (mind you, I’ve never had a problem turning my phone off) I find that I have 0 energy and 3 kids all want to have their own time. I’m struggling because there is not time. And it seems that if I’m constantly trying to do things they want to do I am running myself ragged. What would you suggest for me or someone like me? Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • 109

      Thank you, Tracy. There is a little subscription box on the home page of this blog where you can submit your email address and you will receive my new blog posts in your email inbox. I also post short, inspiring entries M-F on The Hands Free Revolution Facebook page if you would like additional inspiration. Thank you!

      Reply
  80. 110

    Just read this post. It is so touching. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mother like you. I work and assess children like yours everyday…the bright stars who sometimes get lost in the dark night sky. I see them and help their parents find them. Check out my website, http://www.gifted and creative counseling.com, and if you have one, add me to your distribution list. You are a beautiful soul. Warmly, Linda.

    Reply
  81. 111

    I don’t know if you will ever see this comment, but I just wanted to tell you what a positive feeling I got from your article on yelling. My children include 2 boys, 7 and 14 and a 6 year old girl. My wife is currently the primary breadwinner of our household with a long commute while I re-invent myself in a new career path at almost 50 years old. This places me as the one who gets the kids ready for 3 different schools, cleans, shops, pays bills, cooks meals, etc. Mr. Mom. I love my kids deeply and try to be the best parent that I can be. But your article caught my eye because I DO tend to yell if I don’t get their immediate attention for whatever reason. And I get upset for those child mistakes. Just last night my 7 year old son spilled tomato soup because he was not paying attention to his actions at mealtime. Instead of helping him to clean it up, I am busy pointing out his lack of control at the table while I clean it up.

    Your article has given me good reason to reflect on my reactions to these simple childhood mistakes. I will pause when agitated and think of much more constructive and loving ways to react. Your article has made a very strong impact on a loving parent who is not too old or stubborn to change. I want the best relationship that I can have with my children, while staying focused on my responsibilities as a parent. Thank you SO much!

    Reply
    • 112

      Thank you, Jeff. I truly appreciate your heartfelt comment and commitment to nurture your children’s beautiful spirits in a positive, loving home. Thank you for taking the time to let me know the impact of my words. I am grateful.

      Reply
  84. 115

    Bravo!! As the parent of three special needs young adults, please let me assure that not only do you make a difference, but you are fostering a mindset that’s ripples extend logarhythmically. YOU are a beautiful moment this morning.

    Reply
  85. 116

    Rachel, I just left you a message.
    I just found, I guess because GOD meant it to be, the thing you wrote for me long time ago in 2010.

    There will never be enough words to say how GREATFUL I am with you.

    Reply
  86. 117

    I read your post today and it brought me to tears . I am that angry person and I’m very much afraid I don’t know how to be anything else .
    Now I look forward to reading your book and seeing if I can find my own way forward .

    Semantha

    Reply
    • 118

      Thank you so much, Semantha, for bravely revealing your struggle and your hope. Typing those words could not have been easy, but they are powerful … and they are a starting point. Take a moment and acknowledge the significance of this difficult truth you have proclaimed today. I am grateful and hopeful that you are going to read my book. There is only so much I can cover in a blog post and this is a PROCESS with many small steps. They are all in the book (Hands Free Mama) and it really gets to the root of the issue. I mentioned to Sara that I have created a handout with some strategies to become more positive, less critical … to chose a peaceful response in times of frustration & challenge. Feel free to email me for that handout. My email is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. You will get an auto response, but know that I will respond to you. I am so touched by your message tonight and feel extremely hopeful about your future.

      Reply
  87. 119

    Hi Rachel…i am an Australian living in England with 3 young children and my lovely husband. I heard of you for the first time about 2 weeks ago via Maggie Dent’s website, i heard her interview you on radio and loved what i heard. I cried listening to the interview as during the previous day i had literally said to a girlfriend, “I am so sick of never having any time for the things i actually want to do” and then the very next day i heard your voice coming through my computer articulating all the things i felt but couldn’t say. I instantly ordered your books on line and just finished the first one on the way home to my children today after having spent the day in London. I came home to my nanny and 3 kids eating dinner and i sat with them all for half an hour.(previously i would not have done this, i would have busied myself with washing or the other thousand things that needed doing after been away from home all day). Then my eldest son asked me to buy him a special pen that some of his friends had at school but he couldn’t really describe it to me, only the colours. So we came in to my study and jumped on the computer and spent 10 minutes on one particular site but with no luck. To cut a long story short we eventually found the exact pen he was hoping for after about 20 min of searching. His words to me were, in the instant we bought it, “Mummy, thank you so much for spending the time looking for that pen for me. Most other mummies would have given up the search but you kept at it, i love you so much!”. My heart leapt and the significance of everything you write about really sunk it. Even the amount that i acknowledged what he said i felt was increased as a result of reading your book. I feel like i have been given a gift finding you and i don’t think the timing is insignificant either. Thank you so much for what you write. Keep going, you are giving a voice to so many of us with the same thoughts but without the gift of the written word and just by reading what you write it brings it all to the forefront. For i feel it is stuff that deep down we all probably know but it isn’t prioritised in this busy, pressured world. Thank you so much for reminding and showing me what is really important in life.

    Reply
    • 120

      You have blessed me so much, dear Samantha! I am so touched by every word of your message. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me! Thank you for choosing love for yourself and your precious ones. 12

      Reply
  88. 121

    I just wanted to thank you for sharing your incredible journey. I am a person that is beholden to my to do list and perfection, and I’m trying to change that. My husband celebrated his 45th birthday yesterday so I decided that I would use your idea and come up with a list of “45 things we love about you”. I posted it on Facebook (because he does not have a Facebook account) and asked friends and family to respond. It was wonderful to read all of the kind words people had to say about my husband. My favorite part was hearing our 21 year old son’s rather lengthy post about how much he admires his dad. My husband was so touched and felt truly loved and appreciated. I look forward to my own journey of hands free living, and cannot wait to buy your next book. Thank you!!!

    Reply
    • 122

      WOW! This is so incredible, it brings tears to my eyes! Thank you for letting me know! I am so grateful for your support and for your presence beside me on this journey. I look forward to hearing your progress!

      Reply
  89. 123

    I like your books. thanks for putting the time into them –
    but:
    Hi , I’ve tried emailing you
    my email gets rejected for spam when it contains text on my part and just your unsubscribe link on your email.

    Reply

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