{"id":5619,"date":"2013-05-29T12:12:50","date_gmt":"2013-05-29T12:12:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=5619"},"modified":"2016-05-25T13:43:41","modified_gmt":"2016-05-25T19:43:41","slug":"how-to-fill-up-a-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2013\/05\/29\/how-to-fill-up-a-child\/","title":{"rendered":"A Simple Tool for a More Positive Home"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\u201cAffirming<\/a>

\u201cAffirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child's life and it's like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.\u201d -Gary Smalley<\/p><\/div>\n

\u00a0The other night I was lying beside my 6-year-old daughter at bedtime when she snuggled in close and released a contented sigh. \u201cI\u2019m glad I have a family,\u201d she whispered softly.<\/p>\n

After agreeing whole-heartedly with her beautiful statement, an unexpected question popped out of my mouth. \u201cIf you didn\u2019t have a family, who would you want to live with?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

Without hesitation, she rattled off four extraordinary women in our family\u2019s life, including a current teacher and a past teacher.<\/p>\n

As we were discussing these special ladies, my oldest daughter popped into her sister\u2019s room to return something she borrowed. \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d she inquired.<\/p>\n

When I told her what we were discussing, she immediately confirmed the value of a teacher in a child\u2019s life by saying, \u201cIf I didn\u2019t have a family, I would want to live with my teacher, Mrs. Reynolds.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was not the least bit surprised that my daughters had great affection and trust for these particular teachers. I had been in their classroom many times. I saw the love they had for their students displayed in both words and actions on many occasions. \u00a0On the day my youngest child came to school in her new glasses, her teacher did not wear her contact lenses as usual. She dug up her old glasses and wore them so my child would not feel alone. She did that for months\u2014maybe even the remainder of the school year. To this day, my daughter still loves to wear her glasses, and she wears them with pride.<\/p>\n

I also remember how one of these special teachers noticed my oldest daughter was struggling with the organization of her assignments and loose papers. As soon as the teacher spotted the difficulty, she told my child, \u201cWhen I was young, I was just like you. I had so many neat things going on in my brain it was hard to keep up with the papers.\u201d As a team, my daughter and her teacher figured out a way to stay organized that my daughter still uses today.<\/p>\n

I could name countless ways these particular teachers chose to build on the positive when addressing my children\u2019s differences, insecurities, and weaknesses rather than using condemnation to get them to change, conform, or improve.<\/p>\n

I am fortunate to have observed these extraordinary teachers when I most needed to be reminded of the power of positivity. Because I must admit, I was once prone to criticize my children under the guise of \u201cgood intentions.\u201d Whether it was poor posture, unmannerly eating habits, improper grooming, uncoordinated outfits, or a less-than-desired performance in sports or music, these were all areas in which I felt the need to correct. I justified the criticism by saying I didn\u2019t want my child to be teased \u2026\u00a0 or I wanted her to be successful in life \u2026\u00a0 or be well liked \u2026 or gain self-confidence. But truthfully, it was all about me. I was concerned about how my children\u2019s behavior or appearance was going to reflect on me.<\/i> I pushed for perfection because I was overly concerned about what other people were going to think me, not them.<\/p>\n

The truth hurts, but the truth heals.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But that all changed the day my youngest daughter laid down her ukulele in the middle of a practice session. After much parental scrutiny and disapproval for the way she was playing, she just stopped. As if surrendering to a battle she could never win, my child said seven words I won\u2019t forget as long as I live. \u201cI just want to be good, Mama.\u201d<\/p>\n

I just want to be good.<\/i><\/p>\n

My child, who has a genuine talent for playing the ukulele and an inherent love of singing, thought she was no good.<\/i> And it was because of me\u2014my critical words, my constant suggestions, and my disapproving looks. I had practically convinced myself that the corrections were building her up\u2014when in reality, they were breaking her down.<\/p>\n

My child\u2019s painful words revealed the destructive nature of criticism. Immediately, I thought of other instances when being overly critical caused regression, not improvement in my children. It became clear to me that constant corrections were not helping my children become more successful, more productive, more effective, or more fulfilled.\u00a0 Being critical was hindering my children\u2019s gifts and causing them to be unsure of their abilities. Criticism was diminishing their unique lights that made them who they are.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I decided no more. I wanted to Notice the Good<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I vowed to return to being the positive and affirming person I was with my students throughout my teaching career. I went straight to our basement and dug through my stored teacher supplies. For nine years, I taught children with behavior problems and learning disabilities. There were many negative behaviors and mistakes that I could have been critical of, but I wasn\u2019t. I strived to find at least one strength and one positive in each student everyday, and then I would focus and build on that. I tried to notice as many appropriate actions as I could and comment specifically on them. I used the positive approach for nine years because I saw it work miracles with troubled students that many people thought would never succeed.<\/p>\n

I dug through my teacher supplies until I found what I was looking for: The Warm Fuzzy Jar. There was a large crack on the side from one of our many moves as a family. I quickly decided I didn\u2019t have to use this<\/i> particular jar\u2014just as this strategy for noticing positive behavior wasn\u2019t just for classrooms!<\/p>\n

I went to the kitchen and found a large, empty pickle jar and filled it with the colorful pom-pom balls. Then I set two smaller jars beside it on the kitchen counter. Within minutes, my children noticed the jars and inquired about them.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is The Warm Fuzzy Jar,\u201d I explained. \u201cWhenever you do something helpful or kind, you place a pom-pom ball in your designated jar because kind and helpful acts make people feel good, like a warm fuzzy.\u201d The girls looked at each other with wide eyes and big smiles, so I continued. \u201cAnd if you are doing something helpful together<\/i> or just getting along nicely, you can put two<\/i> pom-poms in your designated jar. And when your jar becomes full, you can choose something special for you and I to do together.\u201d<\/p>\n

My children had the same reaction as my former students did to filling The Warm Fuzzy Jar\u2014pure enthusiasm. They wasted no time being helpful.<\/p>\n

They carried in groceries that I typically brought in by myself.<\/p>\n

They put away shoes in the hallway that they used to step over for days.<\/p>\n

They made their beds in the morning without being told \u2026 dirty clothes actually made it to the hamper without my help \u2026 dishes made it to the sink (and even got rinsed) with helpful smiles \u2026 \u00a0musical instruments were played without reminders to practice.<\/p>\n

There were even a few shockers like a surprise organization of my spice rack and a super clean toilet bowl. But that wasn\u2019t all. The Warm Fuzzy Jar changed the atmosphere of our home. Cooperation and kindness seems to lighten everyone\u2019s moods\u2014most notably mine.<\/p>\n

The fuzzy, colorful balls made everyone more aware\u2014aware of \u201cdoing good\u201d and \u201cnoticing good.\u201d<\/p>\n

I noticed that she dressed herself and hung the discarded clothes back on hangers\u2014not the striped socks that didn\u2019t match with the plaid shorts.<\/p>\n

I noticed that she was helping her sister write sentences\u2014not that she was using a Sharpie that was turning her fingers black.<\/p>\n

I noticed that she prepared a healthy breakfast of cereal and cantaloupe\u2014not the trail of milk that went all the way from the counter to the kitchen table.<\/p>\n

I noticed that she helped her sister do her hair\u2014not the twelve barrettes that were secured haphazardly to the back of her head.<\/p>\n

I was Noticing the Good<\/i>, and it was making a huge difference in our day-to-day interactions and my children\u2019s overall wellbeing.<\/p>\n

After the jar worked its magic for a couple months, I put it away so the novelty would not wear off. But a week ago, as the children\u2019s school year was coming to a close, I decided it was the perfect time to get the jar out again. The long, hot summer months can be challenging, and I need daily reminders to Notice the Good. In preparation for The Warm Fuzzy Jar return, I set the items on the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe happy jars!\u201d my youngest child shouted when she saw the jars and pom-poms on the counter. \u201cWhen can we start filling them?\u201d she asked excitedly.<\/p>\n

I shrugged, \u201cWell, I was going to wait until the first day of summer vacation, but you can start today, if you\u2019d like.\u201d<\/p>\n

Both girls went right into action, and so did I\u2014the children were \u201cdoing good\u201d and I was \u201cnoticing good.\u201d Once again, the powerful awareness lightened the entire atmosphere of our home and made us all more helpful and kind.<\/p>\n

Yesterday, I noticed the girls\u2019 jars are already half full. \u00a0Suddenly it occurred to me that the children hadn\u2019t even declared what they would be earning when they filled their jar.<\/p>\n

To me, that fact spoke volumes.<\/p>\n

When it comes to positive affirmation\u2014the prize doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n

Because being affirmed is <\/i>the prize.<\/p>\n

Because having someone notice and celebrate your good work is<\/i> the prize.<\/p>\n

Because seeing the smile on your parent\u2019s face because of something you did is<\/i> the prize.<\/p>\n

But wait. Here\u2019s the real <\/i>prize \u2026<\/p>\n

When you fill up a child, her eyes become brighter. Her head is held higher. Her dreams come closer.<\/p>\n

And suddenly, life is full of possibilities for the most precious prize of all: your child.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a><\/p>\n

********************************************************<\/p>\n

For more truthful storytelling\u00a0and further inspiration to be an encouraging, loving presence rather\u00a0than a critical, controlling one, please see my latest\u00a0book, HANDS FREE LIFE: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More<\/a>. It is filled with practical daily habits that will help you\u00a0stop\u00a0managing, screaming, and stressing life and start living it with love, peace, and presence.<\/p>\n

<\/strong><\/em>For those who are new here, my first book<\/a>\u00a0details the steps I used to transform my distracted, hurried life into one of meaningful connection and peace. HANDS FREE MAMA<\/a> is a New York Times Bestseller.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

For wearable\u00a0reminders to Notice the Good, see the ONLY LOVE TODAY & I CHOOSE LOVE vintage wrist wraps<\/a>\u00a0in the Hands Free Shop.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Here is more\u00a0information about The Warm Fuzzy Jar: <\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I purchased the pom-poms at a craft store, but they can be found at Wal-Mart or online. The jar was effective in promoting prosocial behaviors in students from preschool-age through 12th<\/sup> grade. For younger children, it is most effective to make a daily goal such as, \u201cYou need 6 pom-poms to earn _____,\u201d rather than a long-term goal. My students most often chose special activity time with me as their reward, but the reward can be anything motivating to your child. I found that the children were most motivated by seeing their jars fill with pom-poms and the praise that accompanied it. I allow children to put the pom poms in the jar themselves\u00a0and report\u00a0positive actions I may have not witnessed. You may choose to do it differently. Some of my readers with teens mentioned that their kids earned gas cards using this system.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

It typically takes my school-aged daughters two weeks to a month to fill their jars which is why their earned activities are ones they consider a rare treat. Once the jar is filled, they start over. Note: I do not remove pom-poms from their jars for misbehavior. I just remind the children that what they are choosing to do does not earn them a pom-pom. I use the jar according to the practices I learned while earning my Master\u2019s Degree in Special Education and through a decade of\u00a0teaching experience.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0The other night I was lying beside my 6-year-old daughter at bedtime when she snuggled in close and released a contented sigh. \u201cI\u2019m glad I have a family,\u201d she whispered softly. After agreeing whole-heartedly with her beautiful statement, an unexpected question popped out of my mouth. \u201cIf you didn\u2019t have a family, who would you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[79],"tags":[860,1050,1047,1048,1046,1045,1049],"gutentor_comment":156,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1sD","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5619"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5619"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5619\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5619"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5619"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5619"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}