{"id":5901,"date":"2013-12-10T13:46:38","date_gmt":"2013-12-10T13:46:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=5901"},"modified":"2017-03-29T07:02:53","modified_gmt":"2017-03-29T13:02:53","slug":"the-bully-too-close-to-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2013\/12\/10\/the-bully-too-close-to-home\/","title":{"rendered":"The Bully Too Close to Home"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\u201cLove<\/a>

\u201cLove is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them \u2013 we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.\u201d
\u2013Brene Brown<\/p><\/div>\n

During the two years of my overly distracted life, I communicated more to a screen than to the people in my family. My schedule was so tightly packed that I constantly found myself saying, \u201cWe don\u2019t have time for that.\u201d And because there wasn\u2019t a minute to spare, that meant no time to relax, be silly, or marvel at interesting wonders along our path. I was so focused on my \u201cagenda\u201d that I lost sight of what really mattered.<\/p>\n

Calling all the shots was a mean voice in my head. My internal drill sergeant was continually pushing me to make everything sound better, look better, and taste better. My body, my house, and my achievements were never good enough. Holding myself to such unattainable standards weighed heavily on my soul and my inner turmoil eventually spilled out at people I loved the most.<\/p>\n

Sadly, there was one person in particular who bore the brunt of my discontent: my first-born daughter.<\/p>\n

She could not make mess without me shaking my head in disappointment.<\/p>\n

She could not forget her homework, her jacket, or her lunchbox without me making a big deal about it.<\/p>\n

She could not spill,
\nstain,
\nbreak,
\nor misplace
\nwithout being made to feel like she\u2019d made the worst mistake in the world.<\/p>\n

Although it pains me to write this, I remember sighing heavily in annoyance when she fell down and hurt herself because it threw me off my \u201cmaster schedule.\u201d My daughter was not allowed to be a child who learned by trying and yes, sometimes failing.<\/p>\n

The truth hurts, but the truth heals \u2026 and brings me closer to the person and parent I want to be.<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Every time I came down hard on my daughter, I justified my behavior by telling myself I was doing it to help her\u2014help her become more responsible, capable, efficient, and prepare for the real world.<\/p>\n

I told myself I was building her up.<\/p>\n

But in reality, I was tearing her down.<\/p>\n

I vividly remember the day my mother was visiting from out-of-town. The children were playing alone in the basement. My younger daughter began crying hysterically. I ran downstairs fearing she was seriously hurt.<\/p>\n

The first question out of my mouth was directed at my older daughter. \u201cWhat did you do?\u201d I asked angrily.<\/p>\n

My child didn\u2019t bother to explain that her little sister had slipped on the library book that was sitting on the bottom step. There really was no point. My beautiful child with humongous brown eyes that once held so much optimism looked defeated. Silent tears of a broken spirit slid down her face. My daughter knew it didn\u2019t matter what she said, she\u2019d still be wrong; it would still be her fault.<\/p>\n

And there was my mother standing beside her, a silent witness to the whole ugly scene.<\/p>\n

As my older daughter ran off to the sanctity of her bedroom, an unexpected question came out of my mouth. \u201cYou think I am too hard on her, don\u2019t you?\u201d I snapped.<\/p>\n

My mom, who\u2019d experienced her own difficult parenting moments and struggles, held no judgment in her eyes, only sadness. Her simple response of \u201cyes\u201d only confirmed what I knew in my heart.<\/p>\n

I mustered up the courage to find the words that needed to be said. Apologizing didn\u2019t come easily for someone who strived to make everything look perfect all the time, but I knew what needed to be said.<\/p>\n

I found my child crumpled up like a dejected rag doll on top of her bed\u2014her face puffy and red from crying.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I mumbled.<\/p>\n

My daughter didn\u2019t move.<\/p>\n

I sat down on the edge of her bed and began saying things I\u2019d never said to another human being\u2014not even myself. \u201cI feel mad inside a lot. I often speak badly about myself in my head. I bully myself. And when I bully myself, it makes me unhappy and then I treat others badly\u2014especially you. It is not right, and I am going to stop. I am not sure how, but I will stop. I am so very sorry,\u201d I vowed trying not to cry.<\/p>\n

My daughter looked unsure as to what to do with this confession, this unusual offering from her mother who rarely admitted any wrongdoing. I didn\u2019t blame her for the skeptical look she gave me. I understood why she didn\u2019t say anything back, but somewhere in those eyes I saw hope\u2014hope that things could be different.<\/p>\n

I desperately wanted things to be different too. It was time to stop being so hard on my child; it was time to stop being so hard on myself. I prayed I could stand up to the inner bully. I knew I needed an easy first step. I decided to use one simple word: STOP.<\/p>\n

Within the hour, I had a chance to try it. The first critical thought that popped into my head arose as I was preparing to leave the house. I looked at my reflection and thought, \u201cY<\/i>ou look fat. You can\u2019t go out looking like that.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cStop<\/em>!\u201d I assertively thought to myself, shutting down any further criticisms. Then I quickly turned away from the mirror and recited these words: \u201cOnly love today. Only love today.\u201d<\/p>\n

I used the same strategy when interacting with my child a few minutes later. Before any harsh words came out of my mouth about the way she was sloppily packing her bag of things, I cut off my inner critic by saying, \u201cStop! Only love today<\/i>.\u201d Then I swallowed the hurtful words and relaxed my disapproving face.<\/p>\n

Within mere days of using the \u201cstop\u201d technique, I noticed a change. With a more positive thought process, it was easier to let go of the need to control, dictate, and criticize. In response, my daughter began taking more chances and began revealing her true passions. She started movie making and website design on the computer. She made doll furniture and clothing to sell in the neighborhood. She began baking new recipes without any help. Nothing she did was perfect. Nor was it mess-free or mistake-free, but the moment I said something positive, I saw her blossom a little more. That is when I began to clearly see beyond the mistakes and messes to what was truly important.<\/p>\n

I began noticing my child\u2019s inner beauty rather than looking for perfection on the outside.<\/p>\n

I began paying more attention to the person she was rather than the successes she achieved.<\/p>\n

I began letting her be who she was meant to be instead of some idealistic version I had in my head.<\/p>\n

When I stopped being a bully to my child and myself opportunities for growth and connection opened up. Over time, significant progress was made. In a little less than two years on my journey to let go of perfection and distraction, I received the confirmation I never thought I would receive.<\/p>\n

My daughter was outside before school tending to a garden she created smack dab in the middle of the yard. I watched from the kitchen window as she lovingly tended to her miniature plot.\u00a0I was captivated by the utter joy on her face. She was clearly at peace.<\/p>\n

\"N's<\/a><\/p>\n

Since my dad loves to garden and had taught my daughter a few things, I took a picture and sent my parents. Nothing could have prepared me for the gift I would receive in return.<\/p>\n

My parents wrote: \u201cThank for this precious picture of our beautiful granddaughter. Over the last two years, we have seen a tremendous change in her. We no longer see a scared look in her eyes; she is less fearful about you being upset or impatient with her.\u00a0She is much happier and more relaxed. She is thriving and growing into a content, creative, and nurturing person. We know for a fact the changes we see in her coincide with the changes we have also seen in you.\u201d<\/p>\n

My friends, I have the following message to offer anyone who wants to believe today can be different than yesterday:<\/p>\n

If you think that criticizing, belittling, or critiquing yourself will make you smarter, fitter, or more valuable, please reconsider.<\/p>\n

If you think badgering, bullying, or constantly correcting your child will make him or her more likable, more confident, or more successful, please reconsider.<\/p>\n

Because the truth is this:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to love yourself with a bully breathing down your neck.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to love yourself when the one person who\u2019s supposed love you unconditionally doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to become the person you\u2019re supposed to be when you aren\u2019t allowed to fall down and get back up.<\/p>\n

If we want our children to become who they\u2019re meant to be, let\u2019s ease up. \u201cNobody\u2019s perfect\u201d can be two of the most empowering, healing words when said to oneself or to another human being.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s stop the ridicule. Let\u2019s stop the relentless pressure. Let\u2019s stop the impossible pursuit of perfection.<\/p>\n

Only love today, my friends. Only love today.<\/p>\n

Because love is always a good place to start a new beginning.<\/p>\n

\"love<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********************<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve written three\u00a0books that\u00a0reveal\u00a0exactly how I\u00a0transformed my distracted, perfectionistic, hurried life into one of meaningful connection, inner peace, and gratitude. Hands Free Mama <\/a>answers the question many people ask after visiting my site such as, “What steps do I take?” and “What strategies can I use to let go of my distractions?”\u00a0<\/i><\/b>In my second book, HANDS FREE LIFE<\/a>, I describe\u00a0how I finally started living life, instead of managing, stressing, screaming, and barely getting through life. My third book, ONLY LOVE TODAY,\u00a0just released and was formatted\u00a0especially for busy people who may not have time to read a book from cover to cover.\u00a0Each daily\u00a0entry serves as a re-set button directing readers back to peace, connection, authenticity, self-care, self-acceptance, hope, and love. The stunning reviews on Amazon indicate this book is having an immediate, positive impact on families. It\u00a0recently earn coveted spots on USA Today and Publisher's Weekly bestseller lists. You can pick up a copy at Target, Barnes & Noble, LifeWay, and Amazon. Click here<\/a> to order.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, I am so grateful for your on-going encouragement to keep writing and sharing my difficult truths. I am touched that many of you are using\u00a0the Hands Free bracelets<\/a>, vintage t-shirt<\/a>s, and letterpress pledges<\/a>\u00a0as\u00a0tangible reminders of how you want to live. The ONLY LOVE TODAY bracelet is a beautiful reminder to choose love for yourself & your loved ones. It comes in leather<\/a> & non-leather<\/a> options and in a variety of colors.
\n<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

During the two years of my overly distracted life, I communicated more to a screen than to the people in my family. My schedule was so tightly packed that I constantly found myself saying, \u201cWe don\u2019t have time for that.\u201d And because there wasn\u2019t a minute to spare, that meant no time to relax, be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[262],"tags":[1170,1167,1168,1169,781,1027,1166,749,446,1171,37],"gutentor_comment":932,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1xb","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5901"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5901"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5901\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5901"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5901"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5901"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}