{"id":6095,"date":"2014-05-20T06:33:02","date_gmt":"2014-05-20T12:33:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=6095"},"modified":"2018-06-30T07:40:52","modified_gmt":"2018-06-30T13:40:52","slug":"to-build-or-break-a-childs-spirit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2014\/05\/20\/to-build-or-break-a-childs-spirit\/","title":{"rendered":"To Build (or Break) a Child’s Spirit"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n<\/a>\"\"<\/p>\n

If you needed to lose weight, what would be most motivating?<\/p>\n

You are getting\u00a0chubby. I\u2019m not buying you any more clothes until you lose weight.<\/em><\/p>\n

Or:<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take a walk after dinner.<\/em>
\n I\u2019ll let you make the salad.<\/em>
\n I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If you needed to learn how to swim, what would be most motivating?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to hear your crying. Get in the water and swim! Don\u2019t be a baby!<\/em><\/p>\n

Or:<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be right by your side.<\/em>
\n You can do this. If not today, we\u2019ll try again tomorrow.<\/em>
\n I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If you needed to practice better hygiene, what would be most motivating?<\/p>\n

What is that awful smell? It\u2019s a wonder you have any friends.<\/em><\/p>\n

Or:<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s go to the store and pick out some deodorant.<\/em>
\n Your hair smells so good when you wash it. I think you should wash it every day.<\/em>
\n I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If your table manners needed improvement, what would be most motivating?<\/p>\n

You eat like a pig. I cannot stand to watch you eat. You are disgusting.<\/em><\/p>\n

Or:<\/p>\n

I am trying to put down my fork after each bite, I\u2019d like you to join me.<\/em>
\n Thank you for chewing with your mouth closed.<\/em>
\n I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If you are a bit clumsy and disorganized, what would motivate you to be more responsible?<\/p>\n

Can\u2019t you do anything right? You are either losing things or making a mess!<\/em><\/p>\n

Or:<\/p>\n

Everyone makes mistakes. That\u2019s how we learn.<\/em>
\n It\u2019s no big deal\u2014just get a rag and clean it up.<\/em>
\n I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

At times in my life I have been overweight, scared to swim, smelly, ill-mannered, and disorganized. During those times, I could have used some encouragement. So when I saw the young boy ordered\u00a0to get out of the pool because he was scared to swim, I cried with him from behind my sunglasses. I saw the disappointment in the man\u2019s eyes as he looked at his shivering son hugging his knees to his chest. The man really wanted his boy to learn to swim. He thought reprimanding him and ignoring the boy\u2019s cries would motivate him to try harder next time.<\/p>\n

At times in my life, I thought this too \u2026<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

About a little girl and her ukulele,
\nAbout a little girl and her frequent messes,
\nAbout a little girl and her perpetually slow self,
\nAbout a little girl and her inability to ride a bike.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlay the song again; you\u2019re not trying hard enough.\u201d<\/em>
\n \u201cAnother spill? Are you serious?\u201d<\/em>
\n \u201cHow many times do I have to tell you to hurry up?\u201d<\/em>
\n \u201cAll the other kids have learned to ride their bike. It\u2019s high time you did too.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

With every sharply delivered word, with each disapproving glare, with every disappointed shake of the head, that girl got smaller. Less confident. Less capable. Less shiny. And one day she spoke the words of a defeated soul.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just want to be good, Mama,\u201d cried the little girl who once loved to strum her beloved instrument. And now she was placing the instrument at her feet, wondering if she should even be strumming at all.<\/p>\n

Over time, my constant critiques and exasperated breaths led her to believe she was no good.<\/p>\n

Over time, I\u2019d broken her beautiful spirit\u2014the one that gave her a unique and radiant light.<\/p>\n

Motivating? Not so much.<\/p>\n

There was a fine line between helpful adult guidance and using my authority to shame and belittle (under the guise of good intentions). As I crossed that line again and again, my child experienced a harsh reality: No matter what she did, it would never be good enough for me; I could never be pleased.<\/p>\n

Motivating? Not so much.<\/p>\n

The thought of my child growing up with a parent whose love was based on what she did<\/em> rather than who she was<\/em> caused an immediate change in me. I stopped being her rigid taskmaster and instead became her loving encourager \u2026<\/p>\n

Rather than harping on every single thing my child did wrong, I saved my guidance for serious issues\u2014issues that could be potentially dangerous or life-altering.<\/p>\n

Rather than forcing her to master a skill at the same rate as her peers, I assured myself that she would be ready in her own time.<\/p>\n

I stopped overreacting to kid mishaps and minor incidents and realized she was better at cleaning up after herself without someone breathing down her neck.<\/p>\n

If there was a bad habit that needed changing, I led by example. I invited her to join me in healthy habits. I provided tools (like timers and check-off lists) to empower her to become more prompt and responsible without my assistance.<\/p>\n

I celebrated her efforts rather than the outcome and strived to speak three times as many positive words than negative ones.<\/p>\n

Under the wing of Loving Encourager for the past several\u00a0years, I\u2019ve watched my child blossom. Her confidence and self-assurance have grown. She takes risks and when she fails, it\u2019s not the end of the world because she knows she can try again. She knows I will love her regardless of what she does or doesn\u2019t do. She confides in me when she does something wrong. She loves herself \u201cas is\u201d even though she does things a little differently than most.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\n<\/a>
\nI wish I\u2019d abandoned the role of demanding taskmaster sooner, but I will not dwell on yesterday. Today matters more.<\/strong><\/p>\n

My hope is that by sharing my own painful regrets and life-changing discoveries, I can help someone else see what I see:<\/p>\n

Shame abandons, encouragement believes.<\/p>\n

Condemnation paralyzes, compassion frees.<\/p>\n

Exasperation quits, patience prevails.<\/p>\n

Yelling silences, communication opens up.<\/p>\n

Blame hurts, grace heals.<\/p>\n

Faultfinding destroys, praise builds.<\/p>\n

Rejection loses, unconditional love wins.<\/p>\n

If you were a child trying to get through life the best way you know how, what would be most motivating?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think you\u2019ll ever measure up.<\/em><\/p>\n

Or<\/p>\n

I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\"live<\/a>
\n**************************************<\/p>\n

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, if this post inspires you to build a more positive relationship with your child or someone you love, please consider my latest work of heart.\u00a0ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a>\u00a0was designed for people with busy lives. You can literally open the book to any page and find stories and intentions that will change the way you respond to yourself and the people you love. Readers<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0are experiencing major shifts in their hearts and homes as a result of reading this book daily.\u00a0I recently received just this beautiful story:\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“My teenage daughter came to me the other night fresh out of the shower and told me how stressed and overwhelmed she was about a problem that I didn't think was that big of a deal. My gut reaction usually would have been to tell her exactly that, give her a quick kiss and move on to the next task — instead I remembered ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a> and took a 3 second pause, looked my daughter in her eyes, and said, “How can I help?” My daughter's eyes immediately filled with tears and she took a big breath and just sagged into my arms. She cried and told me all the things that were upsetting her and I just listened and nodded and loved her. When she was done speaking, she hugged me and told me how much she loved me and thanked me for listening.\u00a0What could have been a quick, meaningless interaction or trivializing my daughter's problems and hurting her feelings was a beautiful moment we shared together where we both left feeling better than before.”<\/em><\/p>\n

The ONLY LOVE TODAY mantra that was the most influential piece of my transformation from bully to encourager is inscribed on a gorgeous bracelet to use as visual\u00a0reminder. There are leather and non-leather options in brown<\/a>, lavender<\/a>, navy blue<\/a> and orange<\/a> available, as well as metal cuffs<\/a>. \u00a0Thank you for your support of my work. I am incredibly grateful.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you needed to lose weight, what would be most motivating? You are getting\u00a0chubby. I\u2019m not buying you any more clothes until you lose weight. Or: Let\u2019s take a walk after dinner. I\u2019ll let you make the salad. I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are. If you needed to learn […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":8070,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[1203,1255,1256,1045,1258,1254,1259,1257],"gutentor_comment":356,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/DSC_0134-2.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1Aj","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6095"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6095"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6095\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8070"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6095"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6095"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6095"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}