{"id":6101,"date":"2014-05-28T06:29:51","date_gmt":"2014-05-28T12:29:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=6101"},"modified":"2015-05-20T10:24:31","modified_gmt":"2015-05-20T16:24:31","slug":"before-you-decide-all-hope-is-lost","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2014\/05\/28\/before-you-decide-all-hope-is-lost\/","title":{"rendered":"Before You Decide All Hope is Lost …"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"hope\"<\/a><\/p>\n

*name has been changed<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dad wasn\u2019t perfect. He lost his temper sometimes. He worked too much. He experienced periods of depression. But even through the rough patches, my dad always listened to me. He was never too busy, too distracted, or too desolate to listen to what I had to say\u2014even in the rough patches.<\/p>\n

And despite what the critics say\u2014that giving a child our undivided attention creates a child who thinks the world revolves around him or her\u2014I believe otherwise. Having a parent that listens creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.\u201d \u2013Rachel Macy Stafford <\/strong><\/p>\n

When I shared the above quote on The Hands Free Revolution page<\/a> I received the following reader comment: \u201cI listened to my kids. Now they won\u2019t talk to me. Reading this makes me feel guilty. Let\u2019s see how your kids turn out in twenty years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Although it isn\u2019t always easy, I try to glean insight from all the comments I receive\u2014even the negative ones. And this one really got me thinking.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There is a chance my children won\u2019t turn out as I hope. There is a chance my grown children won\u2019t want a relationship with me. There is a chance I will be shut out. Yes, these are all possibilities. But does this mean I should stop trying to do all I can now to develop a loving bond with them? Does this mean I should put a warning label on my blog that states: Despite your loving efforts, your future relationship with your children may be less than desirable? I don\u2019t know about you, but I am siding with hope. I am leaning toward positivity. And since I have no control over the past or the future, I am focusing on what I can do today. Therefore, I will continue to offer simple ways to connect in a disconnected world. I believe small daily gestures of love bring people together, not apart.<\/p>\n

But I cannot put a tidy, little bow on the above paragraph and say this discussion is over. You see, I couldn\u2019t help but sympathize with that dear reader. As I read her words, I imagined angry tears falling on her keyboard as she typed that brutally honest message to me.<\/p>\n

For a moment, I tried to put myself in her shoes and understand her skepticism. Although I have no idea what it would feel like to be shunned by my own children, I knew what it felt like to have a child you love break your heart.<\/p>\n

During my first year of teaching, I had the opportunity to work with high school students with behavioral and learning issues. One particular student was said to be \u201cunteachable.\u201d But through attentive listening and relating his lessons to his interests, I was able to form a bond with Alan*. For the first time in years, Alan began doing his work. It was quickly evident that he was quite bright. Suddenly there was the possibility of technical school or steady employment in Alan\u2019s future. He actually started smiling on a regular basis as we talked about the exciting possibilities for his life.<\/p>\n

For several months, Alan attended class. He completed his work. He made strides no one expected him to make. The school administrators were elated and attributed Alan\u2019s transformation to having a positive adult mentor who he trusted and respected.<\/p>\n

But one spring afternoon everything changed. Alan erupted in a fit of anger and became violent. Furniture was thrown. Thick panels of glass were shattered. Obscene words were screamed. Students and teachers were frightened.<\/p>\n

A few days later, while interviewed in the expulsion hearing, Alan was someone I didn\u2019t recognize. With piercing eyes, he looked at me in utter disgust. He didn\u2019t seem to care where he was or where he was going. The hundreds of hours I\u2019d spent building him up and educating him were null and void\u2014it was as if they never even happened. As Alan spewed hateful things about me, I sat there dumbfounded. I was hurt, angry, and embarrassed.<\/p>\n

In other words, I took Alan\u2019s reaction\u00a0personally. I took it so personally that I thought about quitting teaching all together\u2014after all, what if all my students ended up this way? What if all my hard work and effort gets thrown back in my face with vile profanity and flying chairs?<\/p>\n

But I did not quit. I went on to teach for nine more years.<\/p>\n

And in those nine years,<\/p>\n

I faced a student who spit all over the room and on me.
\nI faced a student who killed his own kitten.
\nI faced a student who ran away from school. I sprinted after him for nearly a mile so he wouldn\u2019t be alone when the police arrived.
\nI faced a student who was kicked out of four schools and was placed in my class as a last resort.<\/p>\n

Despite their disappointing actions, I said the same five words to each child: \u201cI still believe in you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Every time I said those words, it was like an out-of-body experience. I couldn\u2019t believe those words were coming out of my mouth. It was not until I looked into the eyes of my own children a decade later that I understood where those words came from.<\/p>\n

\u201cI still believe in you\u201d are the words I wished I\u2019d said to Alan during the expulsion hearing. What I know now that I didn\u2019t know then was this: Alan\u2019s hateful words and indignant reaction were not about me; they were about him and his hurting heart. In his time of desperation, the last thing he needed was for me to turn my back on him. As his world crumbled down around him, he needed to know there was still hope.<\/p>\n

After all, where do we go when there is no hope?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we decide it\u2019s too late?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we throw up our hands and declare there\u2019s no use in trying?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we fall down and no one believes we can get back up?<\/p>\n

Saying, \u201cI still believe in you,\u201d may have changed the outcome for Alan\u2014but maybe not. I\u2019ll never know. But what I do know is this: Believing there was still hope for the other children did<\/em> make a difference. In fact, one of my students, the one who killed his cat, wrote to me when he turned eighteen to say, \u201cThank you for not giving up on me. At the time, you were the only one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Each day I receive messages from desolate teens and college students. They say they read my blog because it assures them they are normal for longing for a loving connection with their parents. They say that through my blog they are able to read the words they wished they had heard from their parents\u2014words they can now say to themselves. You matter. You are worthy. I believe in you. I love you no matter what.<\/em><\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the best part: Despite the mistakes their parents made, these young people tell me they would still welcome those affirming words now. They tell me it\u2019s not too late.<\/p>\n

My friends, if that\u2019s not HOPE, I don\u2019t know what is. And I\u2019m pretty sure I am supposed to pass that hope along.<\/p>\n

After all, where do we go when there is no hope?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we decide it\u2019s too late?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we throw up our hands and declare there\u2019s no use in trying?<\/p>\n

Where do we go when we fall down and no one believes we can get back up?<\/p>\n

As long as we are still breathing, all hope is not lost. That\u2019s what I believe. So each day I try my best to listen and love my children the best way I know how\u2014through moments of undivided presence and loving connection.<\/p>\n

Despite my efforts, you might find me in twenty years with a less than desirable relationship with my children. There is that possibility.<\/p>\n

But I won\u2019t let that thought stop from trying now.<\/p>\n

I am siding with hope.
\nI am leaning toward positivity.
\nI\u2019m focusing on what I can do today.<\/p>\n

As long as I\u2019m breathing, all hope is not lost.<\/p>\n

\"My<\/a>

My little Firefly\u00a0and I did not catch any lightning bugs the other night, but we sure had fun trying.<\/p><\/div>\n

*****************<\/p>\n

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, thank you for the overwhelming response to last week\u2019s post, \u201cTo Build or Break a Child<\/a>.\u201d To date, it has reached one million people. I am so grateful to those who stepped into the light of realness with me and said, \u201cMe too.\u201d I appreciate those who bravely shared the painful life-long impact of living with a parent who never said, \u201cI am proud of you,\u201d or \u201cI love you just the way you are.\u201d I appreciate the messages I received from young people who wanted us to know that it's not too late to be the parent we've always wanted to be. The comment\u00a0section of that blog post has become a treasure of healing and hope. If you need to know you are not alone in your struggles, I encourage you to go there.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

*I have received many personal email messages over the past week from people in need of one-on-one guidance on specific challenges. I feel compelled to\u00a0let all readers of my blog know about an incredible resource\u00a0available to you.\u00a0I<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0am blessed to have\u00a0two colleagues with<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0the credentials and expertise to help people overcome challenging family issues. Over the past year, Sandy and Theresa have helped many readers of my blog free of charge. They also read the blog comments each week and\u00a0jump in when they feel their insight\u00a0would be helpful. You can use the contact information below to reach out to them directly. It is not too late to change, heal, or try to mend broken relationships. There is hope.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you feel like there should be something you can do to turn things around but you don't know what it is, feel lost, stuck or overwhelmed, contact:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Sandra, award-winning author of Say What You See for Parents and Teachers<\/a>, parenting\/life coaching, click here.<\/a>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you feel hopeless like nothing you do will ever work, or if you or your child(ren) are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, attention problems, self-inflicted injury, or are simply wishing for healing, contact:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Theresa, PhD, author of The Parent Survival Guide<\/a> and licensed psychologist, click here<\/a>.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If you are having suicidal thoughts, call 911 immediately.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>\u2014letting go of distraction, pressure, & perfection to grasp what matters most. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

**The ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a> vintage bracelets and non-leather reminder bands that sold out last week will be back in stock within a few days. Thanks to all for the interest and support!\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

*name has been changed \u201cMy dad wasn\u2019t perfect. He lost his temper sometimes. He worked too much. He experienced periods of depression. But even through the rough patches, my dad always listened to me. He was never too busy, too distracted, or too desolate to listen to what I had to say\u2014even in the rough […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[850,1263,1260,1262,1261],"gutentor_comment":38,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1Ap","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6101"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6101"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6101\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}