{"id":6514,"date":"2015-08-03T05:50:09","date_gmt":"2015-08-03T11:50:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=6514"},"modified":"2015-08-06T09:17:04","modified_gmt":"2015-08-06T15:17:04","slug":"replace-guilt-with-gift-watch-it-become-a-life-changer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2015\/08\/03\/replace-guilt-with-gift-watch-it-become-a-life-changer\/","title":{"rendered":"Replace \u2018Guilt\u2019 with \u2018Gift\u2019 & Watch it Become a Life-Changer"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"guilt<\/p>\n

Guilt can be loud.<\/p>\n

Are they getting enough?
\n<\/em>Am I doing enough?
\n<\/em>Should I be doing more? <\/em><\/p>\n

You should be playing more.
\n<\/em>You should be planning more.
\n<\/em>You should be having more fun. <\/em><\/p>\n

Earlier this summer Guilt got very loud and had a lot to say to me.<\/p>\n

The old me would have listened and accepted its critical words as truth. But the Hands Free me<\/a> has learned the best way to silence Guilt is to pull back the veil of darkness and shed light on the matter. I do this by telling someone what Guilt is saying.<\/p>\n

In this case, I told my mom.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you remember?\u201d she said emphatically. \u201cDon\u2019t you remember how I worked all day while you and your sister took care of yourselves during the summer?\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes. I remembered. I thought it was cool that my sister and I were in charge of ourselves. I thought it was uncool<\/em> that we had daily lists consisting of activities that improved our home, minds, bodies, and personal savings accounts. But I did my duties anyway.<\/p>\n

I remember how my sister and I would spend the morning getting our tasks completed so we could ride our bikes to the neighborhood pool in the afternoon. I remember how we\u2019d put sunscreen on each other\u2019s backs before we left the house. I remember how we\u2019d carry our towels and goggles in a drawstring bag. There was no one there to remind us to collect our belongings when we left the pool\u2014we just did it.<\/p>\n

I remember cutting the vegetables for the dinner salad. That\u2019s around the time my mom came home from work. I would listen to my parents talk about the families she worked with\u2014families in crisis. It was her job to teach them how to properly care for their children. It was my job to make the salad, but I knew I wanted a job like hers someday\u2014one that made a difference.<\/p>\n

I remember feeling my mom\u2019s presence whenever I stepped into the pantry to make my breakfast and lunch. She bought the things I liked and foods that were healthy for me. I felt my mom\u2019s presence in the little smiley face notes that she left for my sister and me in random places throughout the house.<\/p>\n

I remember Mom being gone, but not absent. I felt her presence even when she was at work.<\/p>\n

And when my mom was home, she did something that made me take pause.<\/p>\n

She said, \u201cI love you,\u201d right out of the blue.<\/p>\n

Like while riding in the car\u2014she\u2019d call out, \u201cI love you.\u201d I\u2019d see her eyes smiling at me in the rearview mirror.<\/p>\n

Or like in the morning when I groggily poured milk on my cereal. \u201cI love you,\u201d she\u2019d say as if my bedhead was a beautiful sight to behold.<\/p>\n

Because our time together was limited, I think my mom said the words \u201cI love you\u201d when she felt<\/strong> them rather than when it was expected. Most people I knew reserved that three-word phrase for special occasions, departures, achievements, or bedtime\u2014but not my mom. With her, \u201cI love you\u201d was spontaneous. She just put it out there. And because the phrase was never surrounded by any other words and never tied to conditions or expectations, it was accentuated, heard, and absorbed.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s probably what I remember most about my mom who was gone a lot, but not absent.<\/p>\n

I remember the unprompted \u201cI love you\u201d that hung in the air, mine for the taking as I set off on my path of independence.<\/p>\n

\"Path<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I remember the summers when you had to work all day,\u201d I told my now 74-year-old mom after admitting that guilt was getting the best of me.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I left before you were awake and didn\u2019t get home until dinnertime or later,\u201d she elaborated. \u201cYou and your sister learned to manage your time, make meals, and keep up a house. And you two turned out just fine, in my opinion,\u201d she added as if ready to take on anyone who might disagree.<\/p>\n

Shortly after my mom and I had this conversation, I came across an unforgettable article<\/a> on overparenting<\/em> and how it correlates with the current mental health crisis on college campuses. The results of the studies described in the article quickly put guilt in its place and reinforced my mom\u2019s view. Children who perform daily life skills and have the opportunity to make decisions for themselves are more likely to become capable and self-reliant adults. A particularly poignant section of the article read:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen parents have tended to do the stuff of life for kids\u2014the waking up, the transporting, the reminding about deadlines and obligations, the bill-paying, the question-asking, the decision-making, the responsibility-taking, the talking to strangers, and the confronting of authorities, kids may be in for quite a shock when parents turn them loose in the world of college or work. They will experience setbacks, which will feel to them like failure. Lurking beneath the problem of whatever thing needs to be handled is the student\u2019s inability to differentiate the self from the parent.\u201d [source<\/a>]<\/p>\n

I read the article several times and with each read, guilt lessened and a much healthier perspective emerged. It helped me get where I am today. Take a look:<\/p>\n

Summer vacation officially ended today for my children. It is their first day back at school and I\u2019ll admit, I feel a little sad. Between keeping up with medical appointments, recovering from two surgeries<\/a>, and preparing for a September book release<\/a>, it was a far cry from the fun-loving summers we\u2019ve had in the past. Guilt wants me to think about everything my children missed due to the temporary challenging situation I faced. But through my teary eyes, I see something Guilt doesn\u2019t want me to see\u2014things that probably wouldn\u2019t have happened without the freedom and the opportunity for my children to do for themselves<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I see two children who carried out two full weeks of princess camp in our home for neighborhood girls\u00a0\u2026 I see two kids who planned and managed a mini market with friends on a Saturday morning \u2026 I see kids who have gotten quite good at making beds \u2026 kids who created a Shutterfly album of our family vacation \u2026 kids who attempted and failed at French macaroons, but had fun trying \u2026 kids who finally caught on to hanging up wet towels after several unsuccessful years \u2026 kids who became expert laundry folders \u2026 kids who can order and pay for their food without adult assistance \u2026 kids who fix a delicious hot lunch and clean up afterwards \u2026 kids who can entertain themselves for hours with a little dish soap and a slip and slide\u2026<\/p>\n

\"princess<\/p>\n

\"marketing<\/p>\n

\"bed<\/p>\n

\"laundry<\/p>\n

\"ordering<\/p>\n

\"hot<\/p>\n

\"DSC_0420\"<\/p>\n

\"slip<\/p>\n

When I look back on this summer I see something that looks an awful lot like the gifts I once was given: the gift of independence \u2026 the gift of learning from my mistakes \u2026 the gift of confidence \u2026 the gift of doing something with my own two hands.<\/p>\n

This wasn\u2019t the most activity-packed summer. There was no celebration for crossing off all the items on our Summer Bucket List. We had no bucket list. But that didn't mean we didn\u2019t have gifts.<\/p>\n

There were lots of gifts\u2014ones that may not be apparent until my grown children are standing in their first apartment or place of employment and know exactly what to do without any help from me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided to call it the summer of I Love You.<\/em><\/p>\n

I love you so much I will let you do for yourself.
\nI love you so much I will let you make a mess and clean it up.
\nI love you so much I will let you fail and try again without my commentary.
\nI love you so much I will not manage your time, but let you manage your own (with healthy boundaries and expectations in place<\/a>).<\/p>\n

I love you so much I will say, \u201cI love you,\u201d whenever I feel it. And because there\u2019s less nagging, reminding, and instructing coming from my mouth, I hope to find myself saying it even more.<\/p>\n

As I anticipate a happy and healthier new season ahead, one thing shall remain the same: The words \u201cI love you\u201d shall hang in the air so my children can grab it with their two capable and eager hands. May they hold it closely to their chests as they go forth on their path of independence.<\/p>\n

\"DSC_0378\"<\/p>\n

*****************************<\/p>\n

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, I am so excited to tell you about one of the most necessary parenting books I\u2019ve ever read. In light of the article<\/a> mentioned in today\u2019s post, there could not be a better time. I had the privilege of reading an early copy of Amy McCready<\/a>\u2019s new book, \u201cThe Me Me Me Epidemic: The Step-By-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids, in an Over-Entitled World<\/a>.\u201d Once I started reading it, I found myself telling everyone I knew about it. Not only does it present a solid case for moving our children toward greater independence, responsibility, and contentment, it tells us exactly HOW to do it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of developing responsibility, resilience, and respectfulness in my children, but Amy\u2019s book revealed opportunities I\u2019d never even considered. And what\u2019s even better, she provides the tools to implement these opportunities. Although my older daughter quickly realized I was learning a little too much from Amy\u2019s book, I could see she secretly delighted in the raised bar on what I expected and believed <\/u>she could do. I wish every parent could own a copy of this book<\/a>. It has the power to create a generation of capable, independent thinkers who have a heart for others and an appreciation for the goodness in their lives. Amy\u2019s book releases on August 11 and anyone who pre-orders<\/a> it by August 10 receives free coaching with Amy on the topics of allowance & chores, consequences, and raising grateful & compassionate kids. Click here<\/a> for all the details. You will be so glad you did! <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

* For a summer list that was similar to the one my mom gave my sister and me, please see “Saving Summer From the Screens<\/a>.” The list described in this post was tremendously helpful to our family this summer.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Guilt can be loud. Are they getting enough? Am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? You should be playing more. You should be planning more. You should be having more fun. Earlier this summer Guilt got very loud and had a lot to say to me. The old me would have listened and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[229],"tags":[1481,1480,1484,1478,1485,1483,1479,1067,1482],"gutentor_comment":0,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1H4","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6514"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6514"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6514\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6514"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6514"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6514"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}