![\"you](\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/DSC_08161-e1438804045910.jpg\")
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\u00a0<\/strong>\u201cYou make me feel like I belong under the sun.\u201d \u2013Citizen Cope<\/em><\/p>\n I was not expecting to experience such an emotional response when Dr. Shefali Tsabary<\/a> shared her video<\/a> about parent shaming with me. It was the following words, found two minutes and twenty seconds into the video, that brought me to tears:<\/p>\n \u201cI came to you so you could honor my soul, nurture my worth, and preserve my spirit. Yet it is you who annihilates my very essence in the name of parenting, in the name of love, in the name of teaching.\u201d<\/p>\n Dr. Shefali then calls on parents to \u201cbecome the person they are meant to be.\u201d She describes it from a child\u2019s perspective as:<\/p>\n The parent Not too long ago, I was good at shaming my children. It wasn\u2019t obvious. It was subtle. Exasperated breaths. Eye rolls. Belittling. Inducing guilt. Acting like they should know better. But they were children. They were learning, and I seemed to forget that.<\/p>\n I thought it was my job to teach them a lesson.<\/p>\n But what I was teaching them was that I could never be satisfied. I was teaching them to confide in someone else\u2014someone who would be more understanding and less reactive. I was teaching them to strive for perfection, no matter the cost.<\/p>\n Although I\u2019d improved on seeing the positives rather than the negatives<\/a> in people and situations, there was still work to do. It was an intentional change in my approach to life that revealed exactly where further improvement was needed and more importantly, why.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When my family moved to a new state, I saw an opportunity to let go of some of the pressures I\u2019d put on myself in my former community. I used the move as a chance to start over and give myself some breathing room. With less inner criticism on my appearance, productivity level, and societal contributions, I felt long-held stresses and unrealistic expectations wane. I felt lighter and happier than I had in my former community. One night I happened to ask my daughter if our new place was starting to feel like home. She said something I will never forget.<\/p>\n \u201cI can breathe here.\u201d<\/p>\n Yes, this was a less competitive community. Yes, unique differences were more widely accepted. Yes, there was more diversity. But I couldn\u2019t help but believe it was the change in me that had most impacted my child\u2019s ability to breathe. In my efforts to put less pressure on myself, I\u2019d indirectly put less pressure on her. I\u2019d given her more room to breathe, more freedom to be herself. And this space resulted in her ability to express important information to me. I was certain of one thing: As my child continued to grow and mature, I did not want to miss conversations like these.<\/p>\n I started paying more attention to the way I reacted to the way she did things (even if they were not as efficient or messier than the way I did them). I frequently reflected back on conversations and asked myself if I left her feeling better or worse after spending time with me. I noticed if certain words I used brought relief or worry to her face. These observations led to more change.<\/p>\n I began swallowing comments on her hairstyles and physique. I wasn't so quick to dissuade or disagree when she talked about\u00a0future plans or shared\u00a0her opinion on things. I listened to her casual banter with no judgment, just presence. I knew that more serious topics would come from her lips someday, and I prayed she would confide in me.<\/p>\n Little did I know it would happen so soon.<\/p>\n One evening as she was getting ready for bed, words came from my child\u2019s mouth that I never thought I\u2019d hear. I felt like I could not breathe. I was sucker punched. I was greatly disappointed by her choice.<\/p>\n But she was telling me.<\/p>\n She was telling me.<\/p>\n This infraction was something she could have kept to herself and carried as a burden on her soul for many years. But just as I'd listened non-judgmentally to her commentary on cat toys and nail art the day before, I vowed to react in a way that kept this line of communication open for future conversations.<\/p>\n Before I spoke, I told myself:<\/p>\n Do not overreact. I then recalled the most shameful moment in life, and I said what I would have wanted to hear at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cI am so glad you told me this,\u201d I whispered to my distraught child. \u201cKeeping it inside is harmful. You did the right thing by talking to me. I want you to know that other young people have made this same poor choice.\u201d<\/p>\n Her lowly hanging head abruptly lifted. \u201cThey have?\u201d<\/p>\n I saw pent up air expel from her chest as a weight was lifted. She was not the only one. She was not alone.<\/p>\n This was a pivotal moment. Although I would have had every right to punish her \u2026 to take away her freedoms \u2026 to lecture her on rights and wrongs, I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n I thought of my most shameful moment again. It was precisely the moment I didn\u2019t need a lesson or a lecture. It was precisely the moment I needed to know my people would not desert me in my time of despair.<\/strong><\/p>\n Now don\u2019t get me wrong, I let my child know I was disappointed. I let her know she would have to earn back my trust. I let her know of some changes that would be made to protect her and prevent future issues. But I did not shame or forsake her in her time of need. I did not kick her while she was down. There will be plenty of other people to do that in her lifetime.<\/p>\n My child eventually fell into my arms crying. This brought me to the moment I\u2019d been wondering about since she was small. Would I be able to say the most loving words when I was most disappointed? Would I be able to support her even when I felt betrayed? Would I be able to experience let down and resist the urge to push her away? Yes. Yes. I would.<\/p>\n \u201cListen,\u201d I said firmly. \u201cNo matter what mistakes you make today, tomorrow, or throughout your life, I will always love you. I will never turn my back on you. Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n In the moment I could have crushed her spirit, I supported her.<\/p>\n In the moment I could have made her doubt herself, I reminded her she was human.<\/p>\n In the moment I could have taught her a harsh lesson, I taught her a loving lesson … a trust lesson \u2026 a grace lesson.<\/p>\n I think about these lessons of love, trust, and grace when she chews with her mouth open, when she gets a low mark, when she forgets something important. I know her infractions will become more severe as she grows and so will the societal pressures, temptations, and curiosities. I\u2019d only gotten one small taste of what is to come. When I think about teaching my child a lesson I want it to be one of love, forgiveness, and understanding. I want to be a safe haven, not a person to be feared or avoided, in times of despair.<\/p>\n I am far from a perfect parent. I do not always choose love<\/a>. There are many words and reactions I wish I could take back. But today matters more than yesterday<\/strong>. And today, it is my hope to spread this healing message:<\/p>\n We have the power to teach our children a lesson. We do.<\/p>\n But we also have the power to open a door for difficult future conversations. Let us not kick our children when they are down.<\/p>\n Instead And in doing so, we might just become the person we are meant to be \u2026<\/p>\n The guardian of her heart ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/p><\/div>\n ***********************************<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t have time to read an entire book but want short reads with powerful takeaways for building strong, positive, loving relationships in a world of distraction and pressure, my new book was designed for you. With any pre-order of ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a>, comes a beautiful set of hand-lettered reminders to help you breathe more, stress less, and choose love (offer good until 3.\/7). Click here<\/a> to see how to easily claim your gifts.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n If you would like a limited edition signed copy<\/a> of ONLY LOVE TODAY, you are in luck! Signed by my loving hand (and one with Avery\u2019s special touch) are now available at barnesandnoble.com<\/a> while quantities last. Friends of the Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, thank you for choosing love for our children and each other. I am so grateful for your support! #onlylovetoday<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>The guardian
\n<\/em>The usher of my soul<\/em><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>Do not cry.
\n<\/em>Do not threaten.
\n<\/em>Do not belittle.
\n<\/em>Do not act like you never made a mistake. <\/em><\/p>\n![\"the](\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/hope-2-e1436892560562.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
\nWe have the power to make them regret a poor choice.
\nWe have the power to ensure they never forget what they\u2019ve done.<\/p>\n
\nWe have the power to be a calm and supportive presence in their time of need.
\nWe have the power to prevent a shameful experience from leaving a scar.
\nWe have the power to prevent them from doing something permanent to stop the pain.<\/p>\n
\nLet us reach out our hands and help them up.
\nLet us hug them to our chests and say, \u201cI will not take my love away.\u201d
\nLet us respond to their mistakes the way we\u2019d want someone to respond to ours.<\/p>\n
\nThe usher of his soul
\nThe safe haven in a world too quick to shame and destroy what is most precious.<\/p>\n![\"ONLY](\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/people-at-31-e1438804136737.jpg\")
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bonus--e1485177823419.jpg\")
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