{"id":6551,"date":"2015-09-08T06:11:09","date_gmt":"2015-09-08T12:11:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=6551"},"modified":"2015-09-16T05:07:23","modified_gmt":"2015-09-16T11:07:23","slug":"sweet-release-from-the-judger-in-my-veins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2015\/09\/08\/sweet-release-from-the-judger-in-my-veins\/","title":{"rendered":"Sweet Release From the Judger in My Veins"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"release<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve come a long way since the days of tearing myself down in front of a mirror. But once in awhile, certain life circumstances cause doubt to creep in and I feel myself going down a slippery slope. For the past several weeks, I have been sliding. You see, I\u2019ve been preparing for this momentous day, September 8th, for many months\u2014years, actually. It\u2019s the day my new book, Hands Free Life<\/a>, <\/em>releases. And as this day has gotten closer, the Judger in my Veins has gotten louder.<\/p>\n

I have been working longer hours than usual. I have not been getting proper sleep or engaging in self-care practices that are critical for my health and wellbeing. And even though I know this feeling of overwhelm is only temporary and life will go back to normal soon, the Judger in my Veins has been hitting all my vulnerable spots. Like a heckler from the crowd, there\u2019s a judgmental comment on just about everything:<\/p>\n

A good mom would have said yes to that request.<\/em><\/p>\n

A good friend would have picked up instead of letting it go to voicemail.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>A good spouse would be listening better right now. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>A good writer\u00a0writes about\u00a0current events. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>A good daughter would ask her parents more questions instead of just talking about herself. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>A good post-surgery patient<\/a> would not be up at one o\u2019clock a.m. writing. <\/em><\/p>\n

For the past several weeks, the list of judgments against me has been long and relentless. And it was only five days ago that I fully acknowledged what I was doing to myself and how imperative it was to stop. I was in the middle of responding to a blog reader who was going through a challenging time. In her message, she confessed to reacting to her daughter in ways that were damaging and hurtful. Although the reader had recently experienced some success with being more positive and calm, she felt like a failure. This was my response:<\/p>\n

I know it does not feel like it right now, but you are doing many things right. You are asking yourself hard questions. You are asking for help. You are staying calm in the face of extremely hurtful words and reactions from your child. I am certain you will get through this difficult period because your love and commitment to your daughter is evident\u00a0in the words you write. I have something to help you get started. This is your homework tonight: I want you to notice all positive interactions you have with her and any positive actions she does. Do it for yourself. Do it for her. And then speak of them. “I appreciated the kind voice you used to talk to me just then.” Or “I love the way you dug into that meal I made! That makes me feel good.” Or “I love how you treated your sister\/brother just then. You are good at figuring out how to help.” Notice her face when you say these things \u2013 even if it is not a smile, look for a more relaxed expression or a sense of relief. Anytime you to see a tiny glimmer of light on her face, grab it. Hold on to it. Let it give you hope for the next five minutes. Let it give you hope for better days. They are coming.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

It was while proofreading my message before sending it that something struck me. This message was not just for my reader, it was also for me. I began to cry as I whispered a prayer of thanks to the One who had started me on this Hands Free journey and continues to guide me when I lose my way.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I knew exactly what I needed to do: Stop noticing everything I was doing \u201cwrong\u201d and notice the good \u2013 even the slightest positive actions. This is exactly how I helped my students with severe behavior disorders change their negative habits and begin to thrive. These were students who came to me after getting kicked out of multiple classrooms and schools. They came to me so hopeless and beat down. I was able to build them back up by noticing the good, any good, I could find. I could only imagine what the voice in their head sounded like so I tried to create a new voice. Sometimes it was difficult to see the good with\u00a0problems so vast and attitudes so hostile, but the good was there.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow. I just noticed you walked from the pencil sharpener to your seat while keeping your hands to yourself! Way to go!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou wrote your name on your paper. Look at how beautifully you made the L! Take a moment and celebrate yourself!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

“You scooted over and made room for your classmate. Thank you for being so kind.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

And the one I used every single day was:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are here! You made it! I am so glad you came to school today!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

It was quite amazing how different the students began behaving once the teachers in our classroom began pointing out every positive rather than every negative. By the end of the school year, most of the students were learning and cooperating in ways no one ever expected.<\/p>\n

As for me, it\u2019s only been five days of recognizing the positives. But with each recognition, I feel change happening. My inner dialogue is slowly sounding less judgmental and more celebratory:<\/p>\n

I just used patience with my child when I felt myself getting very agitated. Whew! Good for me.<\/em><\/p>\n

I just asked for help in editing an article. I did not try to push myself pass the point of exhaustion. And my friend was honored that I asked. Good for me. <\/em><\/p>\n

I just took a small rest because I love my body, and I want it to heal. <\/em><\/p>\n

I just said yes to hitting golf balls with my family and did not worry about time. I got lost in the moment and had a lot of fun. Good choice, Rachel. <\/em><\/p>\n

My reaction was less than stellar, but at least I kept my cool. I sensed my voice was raising and caught myself before it escalated. <\/em><\/p>\n

I said I was sorry and that is not easy for me. I am proud of myself.
\n<\/em>
\n\"release<\/em><\/p>\n

With each small celebration, I felt more hopeful \u2026 more peaceful \u2026 and more like the person and parent I want to be. And then divine intervention stepped in to provide the assurance my weary heart most needed right now. A beautiful friend\u00a0and\u00a0writer<\/a> posted a picture of Hands Free Life<\/em> <\/a>on social media. She\u2019d only had the book a short time and already it was dog-eared, underlined, highlighted, and lovingly devoured.<\/p>\n

She captioned the photo with this: \u201cI have had a very busy couple of days, and every time I have a spare few moments I am spending them savoring Rachel\u2019s book. I find myself perpetually on the verge of tears, marking pages I want to revisit, making notes, and most importantly, I have stopped several times, put the book down, and sought out one of the kids to hug \u2026 or to hatch a plan \u2026 or to NOTICE.\u201d<\/p>\n

All at once, I breathed what felt like the weight of a thousand bricks. And I heard the loving voice of assurance tell me what I\u2019d been longing to hear:<\/p>\n

It was hard. Writing this book was so very hard. You put your heart and soul into every page, but look! Look what\u2019s happening<\/em>. You can let it go now. You can let it go now. Goodness will come from it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Release day.<\/p>\n

Release day.<\/p>\n

I had no idea how powerful two words could be.<\/p>\n

And I want you to know too.<\/p>\n

On the official release day of Hands Free Life<\/a><\/em>, I want to inspire release in your heart, in your soul, in your mind. What do you need to be released from? Take what you need, my friends. Take the one that speaks to you and cling to it. Use it as a prayer, a mantra, or a daily vow\u2014hold it close in anticipation of the goodness that is to come \u2026<\/p>\n