{"id":7128,"date":"2016-11-21T07:50:16","date_gmt":"2016-11-21T13:50:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7128"},"modified":"2016-12-09T08:08:03","modified_gmt":"2016-12-09T14:08:03","slug":"how-to-sit-at-the-table-with-those-who-hurt-offend-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2016\/11\/21\/how-to-sit-at-the-table-with-those-who-hurt-offend-you\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Sit at the Table with Those Who Hurt & Offend You"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"dsc_0807-2\"<\/a>\u201cAnd I'm fractured
\n<\/em>From before
\n<\/em>And I wanna go home
\n<\/em>Now it takes two
\n<\/em>And it used to take one
\n<\/em>It takes two
\n<\/em>And it used to take only one\u201d
\n<\/em>-Ryan Adams, Two<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

*name has been changed<\/em><\/p>\n

*Steven was one of twelve students in my classroom for children with severe behavior disorders. These children had been repeatedly kicked out of regular education classrooms and alternative schools. My classroom \u2013 that I taught with a co-teacher \u2013 was their last hope. To call this class of twelve students \u201cchallenging\u201d was a severe understatement, but I\u2019d accepted this challenge after reading through twelve massive educational files. Although I tried, it was unimaginable how twelve children could endure so much heartache in such a short time on earth.<\/p>\n

Because of the trauma these children had endured, my heart was sympathetic to them. When they tried to hurt me, I held them. When they cussed me out, I did not take it personally. When they ran away, I ran after them. I knew they needed love more than anything, and that is what I vowed to give them while they were in my presence.<\/p>\n

Their parents were another story. With every documented incident of abuse and neglect in their child\u2019s file, my sympathy diminished. I found it impossible to love and accept the parents as I did their children, no matter how hard I tried.<\/p>\n

Stephen\u2019s mother was the hardest. Her beautiful, blue-eyed child came to school harboring such hatred in his heart. He used vile terms for anyone who was different than him\u2014and difference was abundant in my classroom.<\/p>\n

The one time Stephen\u2019s mother came in regarding a behavior issue, she blamed two students for reasons that revealed deep-seated racism. When I pointed out the facts of the situation, she said vile things about me, my teaching ability, and my beliefs. The assumptions she made about me were so far off base and untrue, I was left speechless … and angry \u2026 and deeply offended. I hoped I would never have to be in the same room again with her as long as I lived.<\/p>\n

Around Thanksgiving time, my co-teacher was inspired to provide the children with a memorable experience. With our help, the students would each make a traditional Thanksgiving dish. We would use the life skills and social skills they\u2019d recently learned to enjoy a meal together.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t remember the conversation exactly, but I believe my colleague and I talked about inviting the students\u2019 parents. If I had to guess, I think I said something like, \u201cMost of them won\u2019t come anyway. That will just disappoint the kids. How about we let them invite their favorite school staff member instead?\u201d<\/p>\n

I would like to say I did that for the kids. But truthfully, I didn\u2019t want to be around Stephen\u2019s mother after the way she had offended me. I didn\u2019t want to be around someone with beliefs so different than mine.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

A few weeks later, our twelve precious students proudly revealed a long, colorfully decorated table of food to their beloved principal, associate principal, music teacher, and occupational therapist. Miraculously, the students had prepared the feast with only a few minor blow ups and breakdowns. As we dug in joyfully, Stephen leaned over to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf y\u2019all didn\u2019t do this, I would never know the taste of turkey.\u201d<\/p>\n

I swallowed hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dad hates Thanksgiving so we don\u2019t have it,\u201d he continued. \u201cMy mom said to be sure and thank you.\u201d And with that, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me with all his might.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I sure wish we would have invited her,\u201d I squeaked out, feeling about two inches tall.<\/p>\n

\u201cNext time,\u201d Stephen said. \u201cWe\u2019ll do this every year, Mrs. Stafford, and Mom can come next time,\u201d he smiled.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, there was no next time.<\/p>\n

Steven\u2019s family moved that spring, but not before his mother came in to say goodbye.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve been good to him,\u201d she told me as she wrung her hands together nervously. \u201cHe never liked going to school \u2018til this year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Stephen is very smart. If I need help fixing anything in the classroom, Stephen always offers to do it! He\u2019s been such a good helper to me.\u201d I said. \u201cI know he is going to be just fine in Ohio.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe cried about leaving you,\u201d she confided about her tough boy. Then she looked down at her shoes. \u201cI know this is probably not appropriate, but can we have your address so we can write back and forth?\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt a tinge of worry. I thought back on the violent incidents I\u2019d read about in his confidential file. I hoped and prayed this mother\u2019s intent was good and wrote my address on a piece of paper and handed it to her.<\/p>\n

For nearly five\u00a0years, I received two and three-page letters from Stephen and his mother. Bit by bit, his mother shared with me her story; she showed me her scars; she revealed her pain and insecurities; she asked for guidance to be the best mother she could to her three children despite very challenging life circumstances.<\/p>\n

I wrote back to her with advice, encouragement, and love. Each time I sealed the envelope and put it in the mailbox, I felt hopeful. I felt certain this divinely orchestrated connection would prove to be far more than an understanding between two very different women.<\/p>\n

And it did.<\/p>\n

You see, I think about Stephen\u2019s mother a lot \u2013 particularly when my beliefs and opinions clash with someone else\u2019s \u2026 when I have a choice to engage with or dismiss someone whose beliefs offend my own. I think about her when I have a chance to invite or exclude people who minimize or belittle issues I deeply care about. Stephen\u2019s mother helps me choose love \u2026 effort \u2026 understanding \u2026 compassion.<\/p>\n

Because honestly, I will forever live with the regret that I did not invite her to my table.<\/p>\n

But all hope is not lost.<\/p>\n

I have more chances \u2026 and one of them is coming up on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day 2016.<\/p>\n

And so do you, my friends.<\/p>\n

\"1023_handsfreelifebookpartcopy\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Perhaps you\u2019ve realized you have the same choice \u2013 and maybe it\u2019s weighing heavily on your heart \u2026 creating angst and dread \u2026 causing you to consider cancelling altogether.<\/p>\n

I would encourage you to sit down at the table \u2026<\/p>\n

With the person who offended you<\/em><\/p>\n

With the person who doesn\u2019t see who you really are<\/em><\/p>\n

Sit down at the table \u2026<\/p>\n

With the person who can\u2019t see past his or her own beliefs<\/em><\/p>\n

With the person you find impossible to love.<\/em><\/p>\n

Take a seat across from the person with whom you\u2019ll most likely never see eye to eye.<\/p>\n

Bring extra patience and extra openness, if you must\u2014but sit down at the table.<\/p>\n

Extending love to someone with a differing opinion does not mean you are agreeing with her or forsaking your beliefs \u2013 it shows you\u2019re committed to moving toward a positive future.<\/em><\/p>\n

Extending love to someone who revealed an unbecoming side of himself doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve forgotten \u2013 it shows you\u2019re willing to see his story and scars within.<\/em><\/p>\n

Extending love to someone who offended you does not mean you\u2019re accepting such treatment \u2013 it means you realize you cannot thrive in a place of anger and resentment.<\/em><\/p>\n

Extending love to someone who holds ill will towards you does not mean you don\u2019t care \u2013 it means your life is not based on the opinions of others. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Sitting down at the table despite past hurts and current turmoil shows you\u2019re willing to see what an open heart can do to mend wounds, break down barriers, and create positive change for yourself and future generations.<\/p>\n

Sit down at the table.<\/p>\n

It might be your only chance to acknowledge that yes, you\u2019re coming from vastly different places, but where you want to go is virtually the same.<\/p>\n

Sit down at the table.<\/p>\n

It might be your only chance to find out what the most unlikely, but truly extraordinary type of love tastes like.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"dsc_0322\"<\/a><\/p>\n

********************************************************************<\/p>\n

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, thank you for being a mighty force for love, hope, and acceptance in the world right now. If you would like to gift others this holiday season with visual reminders to choose love, please enjoy FREE SHIPPING to anywhere up to $9.95 with the code THANKFUL (includes international shipping). Offer good today through Nov. 26, 2016 on all items including: metal cuffs<\/a>, leather wristbands<\/a>, and silicone reminder bands <\/a>inscribed with these healing mantras:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n COME AS YOU ARE<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n SEE FLOWERS NOT WEEDS<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n TODAY MATTERS MORE THAN YESTERDAY<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n I CHOOSE LOVE<\/em><\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

Check out the hand-lettered prints for:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

GET OFF THE SCALE Manifesto<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n THE HANDS FREE Pledge<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n Only love today<\/em><\/strong><\/a>
\n XOXO BEFORE YOU GO<\/em><\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

And one final note, gifting someone with one of my books is a huge blessing to me. It helps my publisher know my work is valued and should continue. My books include HANDS FREE MAMA<\/a>, HANDS FREE LIFE, <\/a>and ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a> (releasing 3\/7). Thank you for being part of this community. I count you among my greatest blessings.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cAnd I’m fractured From before And I wanna go home Now it takes two And it used to take one It takes two And it used to take only one\u201d -Ryan Adams, Two *name has been changed *Steven was one of twelve students in my classroom for children with severe behavior disorders. These children had […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":7126,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[1232,1723,202,1722,1726,1725,1332,1724,1727],"gutentor_comment":59,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/DSC_0322-e1479656893108.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1QY","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7128"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7128"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7128\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7126"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}