{"id":7569,"date":"2017-05-18T06:57:07","date_gmt":"2017-05-18T12:57:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7569"},"modified":"2018-05-24T11:05:55","modified_gmt":"2018-05-24T17:05:55","slug":"an-unforgettable-reflection-my-issues-dont-have-to-be-my-childrens-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2017\/05\/18\/an-unforgettable-reflection-my-issues-dont-have-to-be-my-childrens-issues\/","title":{"rendered":"An Unforgettable Reflection: My Issues Don\u2019t Have to be My Children\u2019s Issues"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

In my early twenties, I remember being overly concerned about my then-boyfriend\u2019s appearance and image. I would kindly (and often not so kindly) instruct him on what to wear, how to eat healthy, and how often to exercise. I pushed him toward high status jobs despite his interests and passions. I saw the defeat in his eyes when I offered up these \u201csuggestions,\u201d but I said them anyway. I wanted him to make a good impression.<\/p>\n

This is for him<\/em>, I told myself.<\/p>\n

Yeah, right. It was all about me<\/em>.<\/p>\n

My preoccupation with appearance, social status, fitting in, and gaining approval were my <\/em>issues \u2013 he was just an easier target.<\/p>\n

It did not surprise me that I continued this approach in my marriage and in my parenting. I took an excessive and unhealthy interest in my family members\u2019 \u201cgood impressions\u201d in the areas of performances (sports, music, academics) and physical appearance. My critiques typically fell on a continuum of mildly constructive to downright destructive, depending how stressed I felt at the time.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just want you<\/em> to make a good impression,\u201d I\u2019d say.<\/p>\n

It was for them<\/em>, I\u2019d say.<\/p>\n

Yet, how could I explain the pain in their eyes \u2013 the pain I was willing to deny to make sure things appeared a certain way?<\/p>\n

As with my former boyfriend, my concerns about my family members were all about me \u2013 my insecurities, my flaws, my desperate need to hide all the things I felt might cause rejection or disapproval.<\/p>\n

These truths are not pretty, but they\u2019re healing … and they\u2019re life-changing.<\/em><\/p>\n

I remember the day I came face-to-face with these painful truths \u2013 I\u2019d been getting ready to go to a social gathering in our community. On the floor of my bathroom lay 27 outfits. I hated the way I looked in all of them. Rage and sadness bubbled up inside me as I finally settled on something dark colored and baggy. With my mouth set in a thin, hard line, I opened my daughter\u2019s bedroom door to see what \u201cimprovements\u201d needed to be made.<\/p>\n

I saw her standing in front of the mirror surveying herself.<\/p>\n

Initially, my eyes rested on the snug waistband of her favorite shorts; flesh spilled over and slightly protruded beneath her flowered shirt. My eyes rose to the mismatched top and messy knot of hair sticking from the back of her head.<\/p>\n

As I opened my mouth to remind her of making her \u201cbest impression,\u201d I saw her face in the mirror.<\/p>\n

Reflecting back at herself was pure joy. Pure contentment. Pure peace \u2013 all at the sight of her six-year-old self.<\/p>\n

Then she twirled in front of that mirror.<\/p>\n

She actually twirled.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when she saw me at the door, wiping tears from my eyes. She gave me a glorious smile \u2013 the kind of smile that says, \u201cI feel beautiful, Mama.\u201d<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s when a little protective voice inside me whispered, \u201cLet her be<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Let her be.<\/em><\/h3>\n

For once in my life, I would not shatter another human being\u2019s inner contentment under the guise of making a \u201cgood impression.\u201d<\/p>\n

Besides, who was I to say what her<\/em> \u201cbest” impression was anyway?<\/p>\n

She believed she looked beautiful \u2013 and that was enough.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It suddenly dawned on me that unlike her blue eyes and freckles, she did not have to inherit my issues and insecurities.<\/p>\n

I realized I could decide right then and there I would not\u00a0pass on my issues to her. Plus, why would I want to?<\/p>\n

Why would I want her to stand in front of the mirror for the rest of her life seeing TOO MUCH and NOT ENOUGH when she could see JUST RIGHT?<\/p>\n

Why would I want her to play her music instrument for the rest of her life and think TOO MANY MISTAKES and NOT ENOUGH SKILL when she could hear JUST RIGHT?<\/p>\n

Why would I want her to shoot baskets and dive off the blocks thinking she was only as good as the points she scored and races she won?<\/p>\n

Why would I want her basing her inherent value and future potential on test scores and award certificates?<\/p>\n

Why would I want her to go through life wondering what other people thought of her when she was quite happy with WHO SHE WAS?<\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure I would have thought of that unforgettable reflection from six years ago had it not been for the way I\u2019ve been talking to myself lately.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s bathing suit season. It\u2019s a hard season for me \u2013 and it\u2019s a hard season for many girls and women and boys and men too \u2013 bathing suit season doesn\u2019t play favorites.<\/p>\n

And when it was time to put on my swimsuit recently, I was not happy with my thighs. I was just about to start in on those thighs and that stomach when I heard those three healing words I said years ago while standing outside my daughter\u2019s room.<\/p>\n

Let her be<\/em>.<\/h3>\n

But this time, I was talking about myself.<\/p>\n

This time, my inner protector was sticking up for me<\/em> \u2013 and rightly so. I\u2019ve just come through a challenging winter season that contained the successful release of my third book<\/a>, a bout of depression<\/a>, and the untimely death of my dear father-in-law<\/a>. And in the name of self-preservation, I stopped stepping on the scale and focused on survival. I continually reminded myself I was doing the best I could.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The reflection I see in the mirror today is far from flawless, but I refuse to let the after-effects of my survival keep me from living and loving this summer.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll go to the pool \u2026 I\u2019ll get in the water \u2026 and I\u2019ll pass the ball with my daughters. I\u2019ll visit with friends \u2026 I\u2019ll laugh out loud \u2026 and I\u2019ll let myself be.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet her be<\/em>,\u201d I will say often because that phrase instantly puts me at ease, helps me breathe, and extends to my beloveds like grace.<\/p>\n

And the timing couldn't be better. Over the past week, I\u2019ve been so thankful those three healing words came back to me at this precise moment in time. It\u2019s report card season. It\u2019s award season. It\u2019s tournament season. It\u2019s graduation season \u2013 and that means it can be a hard season for many of our kids.<\/p>\n

So when my daughter brought me her social studies test and announced she was so happy with her B \u2026 and when she declared she might like to try tennis and take a break from competitive swimming \u2026 and when she told me she\u2019d worked long enough on her poetry project and was calling it a night \u2026 I did not push, persuade, critique, or crush.<\/p>\n

Instead, I let her be<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And I am prepared\u00a0to watch her soar (and stumble) as she lives her truths in the light of self-love and self-acceptance\u00a0rather than constantly second-guessing herself and her decisions.<\/p>\n

Perhaps this sounds inviting to you, but you\u2019re unsure of where to start.<\/p>\n

It starts with being kind to ourselves about our issues and insecurities. They aren\u2019t going to disappear overnight, but awareness and compassion are empowering and life-altering.<\/p>\n

It starts with repeating the mantra \u201conly love today<\/a>\u201d when the inner bully gets loud in our head and starts coming out of our mouth.<\/p>\n

It starts with remembering to look through our children\u2019s eyes. Perhaps where we see room for improvement, they see just right<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It starts with remembering our loved ones have teachers, bosses, coaches, and instructors who are there to offer critiques and improvements. That leaves us to listen, love, and support.<\/p>\n

It starts with asking ourselves: Is this suggestion I\u2019m about to give going to sound like help or judgment? Perhaps we don\u2019t need to say anything at all. Chances are, they\u2019re doing the best they can, just like us.<\/strong><\/p>\n

To put it in a nutshell,<\/p>\n

It starts when we decide to worry less about how our children\u2019s appearance and achievements reflect on us<\/em> and focus more on how our unconditional love reflects on them.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n

Our issue is not their issue \u2013 at least, it doesn\u2019t have to be.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s step back and give them plenty of room to twirl.<\/p>\n

We just never know who they might become \u2026 if we let them be.<\/p>\n

****************************************<\/p>\n

Friends, it is not possible to describe the work I did over a six-year period to stop projecting my insecurities and issues onto my family in a single blog post. If you are interested in learning the specific steps, the detailed strategies, and daily intentions I used to overcome my inner bully to be more positive, loving, and accepting of myself and others, you can find them in my bestselling books: HANDS FREE MAMA<\/a>, HANDS FREE LIFE<\/a>, and ONLY LOVE TODAY<\/a> . Mantras like: <\/em>only love today, <\/em>come as you are, <\/em>see flowers not weeds, and <\/em>I choose love, have been critical to my transformation. These mantras are inscribed on gorgeous bracelets in leather<\/a>, metal<\/a>, and silicone<\/a>. Also, the Made with Love Lunchbox Notes<\/a> are back in stock if you would like a collection of 25 beautiful soul-building messages to tuck into suitcases, lunchboxes, desks, pockets, and pillowcases of loved ones.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Thank you for being part of the Hands Free Revolution<\/a>. I greatly cherish your support and presence along this life-changing journey.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In my early twenties, I remember being overly concerned about my then-boyfriend\u2019s appearance and image. I would kindly (and often not so kindly) instruct him on what to wear, how to eat healthy, and how often to exercise. I pushed him toward high status jobs despite his interests and passions. I saw the defeat in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":8048,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1778,1766,1736],"tags":[1412,1203,1788,1490,460,42,1245],"gutentor_comment":20,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/DSC_0916.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-1Y5","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7569"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7569"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7569\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8048"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7569"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7569"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7569"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}