{"id":7658,"date":"2017-08-16T07:18:14","date_gmt":"2017-08-16T13:18:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7658"},"modified":"2017-08-16T07:18:14","modified_gmt":"2017-08-16T13:18:14","slug":"a-reasonable-test-for-remaining-calm-compassionate-during-distressing-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2017\/08\/16\/a-reasonable-test-for-remaining-calm-compassionate-during-distressing-times\/","title":{"rendered":"A Reasonable Test for Remaining Calm & Compassionate During Distressing Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This summer, while working on breaking a long and unhealthy relationship with diet soda, I had an ugly outburst. At the time, my head was throbbing from the caffeine withdraw, and I was mad at myself for not listening to my urologist two years ago when she said it was imperative I stop drinking it. As I grumbled to myself in the kitchen that morning, every crumb on the floor glared at me. I hollered at my daughters to come help sweep and was met with a very lethargic 10-year-old who had a sore knee. She half-heartedly pushed the broom across the floor in no particular direction.<\/p>\n

After watching for a few minutes in irritation, I aggressively instructed her to \u201cput some muscle into it!\u201d When she made minimal improvement, I spouted off a long tirade of complaints. As the harsh words tumbled out of my mouth, I cringed. I sounded so unreasonable. So erratic. So irrational. So unhinged.<\/p>\n

But in my state of duress, I could not pull it together.<\/p>\n

The mediocre sweeping stopped abruptly and the girl pushing the broom began to cry.<\/p>\n

\u201cMom,\u201d intervened my 14-year-old calmly, \u201cWe know you\u2019re trying to do something hard right now with the Coke Zero, but please don\u2019t be mean to us. Avery is trying.\u201d<\/p>\n

My daughter Natalie saw to the root of the problem, and she responded calmly and compassionately. It was a winning combination.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s being reasonable. <\/em>I thought to myself. I am not. I should follow her lead. <\/em><\/p>\n

I instantly calmed.<\/p>\n

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Conflict eases in the light of compassion. <\/strong><\/p>\n

This is what I know.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

If it hadn\u2019t been for the Coke Zero meltdown, I might have forgotten about my security blanket Unreasonable<\/em>. For decades, I clutched it like a protective shield when I was fearful, anxious, angry, sad, or stressed. My sister was the best one at spotting the deeper issue behind my unreasonable behavior and addressed it with a calm and steady, \u201cHow can I help, Rachel?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Conflict eases in the light of compassion. <\/strong><\/p>\n

This is what I know. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Over the past six years, I\u2019ve learned to detect when I\u2019m starting to latch on to Unreasonableness<\/em>. I start to feel it weigh down my body. My heart begins racing. I can\u2019t breathe or think straight. I start yelling orders at people or myself, as if to control an uncontrollable situation.<\/p>\n

Those unpleasant feelings and behaviors alert me to repeat my sister\u2019s words. I say to myself: How can I help Rachel<\/em>? Those words help me stay in a rational place where communication opens up and help can be received.<\/p>\n

Although it may sound odd, I\u2019m thankful for my decades with Unreasonableness<\/em>. The growth and awareness stemming from it prepared me for the most recent challenging season in my family members' lives. Grief from the loss of a parent and hormonal changes in adolescence created a storm of emotional ups and downs this past spring and summer. Pain and uncertainty created a breeding ground for unreasonable behavior.<\/p>\n

But given the work I\u2019ve done on myself, I was ready and equipped.<\/p>\n

When irritability and anger would surface, I recognized them as grief and depression. When moodiness and negativity presented themselves, I recognized them as teen angst. When nail biting and forgetfulness arose, I recognized it as anxiety. Although I am still a work in progress, I was able to look past my family members\u2019 behaviors and see a deeper source of pain. This helped me remain calm and compassionate in times of distress.
\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I noticed these meltdowns often occurred when things seemed out of the person\u2019s control. Lost socks \u2026 lost keys \u2026 lost friendships \u2026 lost time \u2026 just loss, in general.<\/p>\n

One afternoon I received a frantic call from my 14-year-old daughter about a house key she misplaced. In her moment of despair, she lashed out at me. I felt my frustration rising and my defensiveness go on high alert. But instead of matching her unreasonableness with my own, I\u00a0heard myself whisper: That\u2019s fear talking. She\u2019s afraid the key is gone and she won\u2019t be able to do her job and she may get fired. <\/em><\/p>\n

I understood that fear, and I knew what to do.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t help you look right now, but I will in an hour when I get home,” I said calmly. “This is not my fault, but I will be happy to help you look. I\u2019m sure we\u2019ll find it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d she said quietly.<\/p>\n

An hour later, I received a heartfelt apology via text. \u201cI'm sorry for how I acted. I was mad at myself and took it out on you. I found the key once I calmed down,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

I accepted her apology and honestly admitted, \u201cI do that too when I am upset and things are out of my control.”<\/p>\n

We are both learning to look past the behavior and see the pain \u2013 to stay calm and compassionate in times of distress.<\/p>\n

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Conflict eases in the light of compassion. <\/strong><\/p>\n

This is what I know.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Lately I\u2019ve been thinking how helpful and healing it would be if we could run situations through a Reasonable Test<\/em> when tensions are running high. It might look like this:<\/p>\n