{"id":7746,"date":"2017-10-12T07:10:25","date_gmt":"2017-10-12T13:10:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7746"},"modified":"2017-10-12T07:35:01","modified_gmt":"2017-10-12T13:35:01","slug":"bridging-family-gaps-to-get-along-better-today-have-stronger-tomorrows","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2017\/10\/12\/bridging-family-gaps-to-get-along-better-today-have-stronger-tomorrows\/","title":{"rendered":"Bridging Family Gaps to Get Along Better Today & Have Stronger Tomorrows"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“We are love<\/em>
\nWe are one<\/em>
\nWe are how we treat each other when the day is done<\/em>
\nWe are peace<\/em>
\nWe are war<\/em>
\nWe are how we treat each other and nothing more.”<\/em>
\n-Alternate Routes, Nothing More<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

I received a call from my eleven-year-old daughter while I was on an anniversary trip with my husband recently. She was upset. Someone was telling her all the things she couldn\u2019t do … bossing her around \u2026 restricting her interactions with her little cousins. As a result, my daughter had withdrawn from the fun she was having with her extended family.<\/p>\n

In my mind\u2019s eye, I could see her forlorn face. I knew this funk could potentially last awhile if she continued to think of herself as helpless.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis must feel really frustrating and hurtful,\u201d I acknowledged. \u201cYou are not being treated with kindness and respect, and I will deal with that in a moment. But first, there is something you need to know. You <\/em>are the one who decides whether or not this person will ruin your time with your cousins. You<\/em> are the one who decides if this person gets to steal your joy. You<\/em> are the one who decides what you\u2019ll remember about this trip when you reflect back in the future. You<\/em> can choose to let this person make it a sad time or you can choose to make it a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n

A few minutes later, her grandma texted me a picture of a smiling girl. She\u2019d decided no one was going to steal her joy and sabotage her time with her cousins.<\/p>\n

I immediately called the person who had caused my younger daughter\u2019s turmoil.<\/p>\n

It was my other daughter.<\/p>\n

As a first-born, Type-A, ultra-efficient human being, my older daughter tends to mother and take charge of her younger sister.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I could tell by the tone of her voice that she knew she\u2019d overstepped her responsibilities and needed to make amends.<\/p>\n

\u201cI would like you to let Grammy be in charge of your sister,\u201d I said specifically. \u201cI would like you to stop using words like \u2018you shouldn\u2019t\u2019 and \u2018you can\u2019t.\u2019 I would like you to treat your sister as you would treat one of your friends.<\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n

We both knew how kind and thoughtful she is to her friends, so that provided a clear picture and expectation.<\/p>\n

When I asked if she had anything she wanted to tell me about the situation, my daughter said no. She said she would apologize to her sister and let Grammy be in charge. When we were reunited a few days later, my mother-in-law reported the rest of the visit went beautifully and everyone had fun.<\/p>\n

This news was positive, but I felt it was a good time to revisit the importance of sibling kindness and respect. Although I can rarely get through this story without crying, I reminded my daughters of the profound impact my sister Rebecca had on my life. This is what I said:<\/p>\n

\u201cI gained a lot of weight the summer before middle school and got stretch marks. I was ashamed. While my mom and dad worked, Rebecca took me to the neighborhood pool. She never said a word about my body. She only said, \u2018I love your bathing suit.\u2019 I remember. It meant everything that she chose to look beyond the unsightly marks.<\/p>\n

In high school, Rebecca would wave me over as I walked down the halls. She would introduce her awkward freshman sister to her senior high friends. She was proud of who I was. She believed in me. My sister never told me I was not capable even if she thought there was no way I could make the volleyball team or move up a chair in orchestra.<\/p>\n

As an adult, my sister showed me the same support. Knowing how much I loved to write, she was adamant that I should start a blog. I said I didn\u2019t know how. She sent me a book telling me how. She said she would help. My sister kept saying I should and I could until I finally tried. I would not be a published author today had it not been for the unconditional love and encouragement I received from my sister. My life would have turned out differently if my sister had routinely torn me down rather than continually build me up.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Although our end story is a happy one, my sister and I had to navigate ups and downs in our relationship, like most all siblings do. My sister and I had disagreements. I often took her clothes without asking and she often chose to read books over playing with me. I accidentally made her forehead bleed when we played hide and seek. She conveniently disappeared every time we had to carry wood from Dad\u2019s truck to the backyard. My sister was scholarly. I was athletic. We had different styles, interests, demeanors, personalities, opinions, and dreams.<\/p>\n

But despite the discrepancies, there was unity.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the contrasts, there was closeness.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the clashes, there was connection.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the gaps, was an unbreakable bond.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I believe my sister and I have our parents to thank for that. Before positive p<\/em>arenting<\/em><\/strong> was even a term, my parents celebrated the differences between my sister and me. My parents did not label us the \u201csmart one\u201d or the \u201csporty one.\u201d My parents gave us ample space and time to use our voices while encouraging respectful communication. More importantly, my parents modeled respectful communication and treatment to us, each other, and everyone they knew. Hurtful behavior between my sister and me was never okay. We often spent time as a family and had Friday night meetings where we could talk freely about our grievances. My sister and I grew up knowing we had the ability and tools to manage conflict and work through issues.<\/p>\n

I learned as much about navigating life from my sibling relationship as I did from the way my parents fostered a loving bond between us.<\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My sister and I are all grown-up now. Although we still have a great many differences in our lives and hundreds of miles between us, one thing remains consistent: My sister and I share a close bond based on trust, kindness, and unconditional love. While most of our visits produce laughter and memory making, my sister show ups in times of challenge too \u2013 when I brought my babies home from the hospital, when my family had to move to a new state while we were sick, when I had two surgeries in a month, when I had to finish a book while juggling another interstate move. I can be short-tempered and impatient during those visits, but my sister doesn\u2019t withdraw or get defensive. Like someone who knows me better than I know myself, Rebecca detects fear, anxiety, and stress beneath the surface. She builds me up with can<\/em> and could<\/em> messages like, \u201cYou can do this, Rachel. I believe in you.\u201d Or she simply says, \u201cHow can I help?\u201d<\/p>\n

With teary eyes, I tell her to take the kids to the mall or clean the kitchen or just hug me. And she does. She always does.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always thought I\u2019ve gained more from this sibling relationship than my sister has, but recently I had a change of heart. During a visit to my house, she asked my opinion on a topic that was incredibly important to her. When I affirmed her belief with my opinion, she cried with relief. My opinion mattered more than anyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n

It was my turn to hold my sister up.<\/h3>\n

And when I held her, I silently promised to continue advocating for my daughters\u2019 unity. I promised to continue advocating for homes to be safe havens—places free from hurtful attacks on appearance, intelligence, and abilities. Now more than ever, I believe\u00a0we need boundaries that build up rather than tear down. We need tolerance and acceptance to thrive within the walls of our homes so they can be distributed each time we go out into the world.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

We can begin by asking ourselves this: When is the last time I gave a COULD<\/em> message<\/em> to someone I love? When is the last time I looked into someone\u2019s eyes and said, \u201cI believe you can.\u201d When we give a COULD message<\/em> instead of a SHOULD message<\/em>, we give someone wings.<\/h3>\n

That\u2019s what my sister gave me \u2026 that\u2019s what I gave her. And our lives are better for it.<\/p>\n

Just imagine how our world might be elevated if we gave the gift of wings to all<\/em> our brothers and sisters?<\/p>\n

Despite the discrepancies, there could be unity.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the contrasts, there could be compassion.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the clashes, there could be connection.<\/em><\/p>\n

Despite the gaps, there could be bridges \u2013 bridges that lead us over troubled waters and into a unified future.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

********************************************<\/p>\n

Friends of the Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, please join me with parenting author Susan Stiffelman for a FREE online series happening October 17-19: RAISING SIBLINGS: Less Drama, More Joy.<\/a> Other speakers include Gretchen Rubin, Amy McCready, Harville Hendrix, Dr. Laura Markham, Christine Carter, Michael Gurian, Janet Lansbury, Elizabeth Lesser and a host of experts in the field. Interviews will be sent to your inbox and you can watch at your convenience. Just click here<\/a> to sign up.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Registration for <\/i>Simple Year online course<\/a>\u00a0hosted by the incredible Courtney Carver is open now with early bird pricing. <\/i>A\u00a0Simple Year<\/a>\u00a0was designed to help you simplify your life gently and with purpose. You\u2019ll learn something new each month and focus on what matters most with a simplicity advocate that specializes in topics like clutter, food, money, relationships, and busyness. Other contributors include: The Minimalists<\/a>, Marc & Angel<\/a>, Tammy Strobel<\/a>, Jules Clancy, Colin Wright, Brooke McAlary. Please join me by clicking\u00a0<\/i>here<\/a>.\u00a0<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n

I have several speaking events coming up that I am very excited about! I'm looking forward to seeing my Ohio friends this Saturday (10\/14), my Pennslyania friends on Thursday, 10\/19, and my Michigan friends on Saturday, 11\/14. \u00a0Birmingham, Alabama was just added to my speaking schedule for Friday evening, 2\/2! You can<\/i><\/strong>\u00a0register\u00a0here<\/a>\u00a0for Cincinnati \u2026\u00a0here<\/a>\u00a0for Pennslyvania \u2026 and\u00a0here<\/a> for Ann Arbor Michigan. If you would like to bring me to your area for an event, you can direct local organizations, businesses, schools, churches, and fundraisers to my new\u00a0speaking page<\/a>\u00a0with more information and a sample video. I am currently booking for Spring 2018. Thank you for all your love and support!\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I leave you with a short preview<\/a> of my talk with Susan Stiffelman from the Sibling Summit that may provide enlightenment to you today … <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n