{"id":7749,"date":"2017-10-27T07:21:32","date_gmt":"2017-10-27T13:21:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7749"},"modified":"2017-10-30T08:05:59","modified_gmt":"2017-10-30T14:05:59","slug":"they-dont-need-tears-raising-resilient-kids-who-solve-problems-that-make-us-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2017\/10\/27\/they-dont-need-tears-raising-resilient-kids-who-solve-problems-that-make-us-cry\/","title":{"rendered":"They Don\u2019t Need Tears: Raising Resilient Kids Who Solve Problems that Make Us Cry"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
\n<\/strong>
\nIt was the first concert I attended since the Las Vegas massacre, and I immediately noticed a difference.<\/p>\n

\u201cLadies, please go to the left,\u201d the ticket checker said as the long line of concert goers slowly made its way towards the venue door.<\/p>\n

I was met by a female police officer who patted me down. Gloved hands glided along the insides of my legs, along my torso, under my arms, and ended with a thorough look through my purse.<\/p>\n

This is how it will be now. <\/em>I thought as tears unexpectedly sprung to my eyes.<\/p>\n

All I could think about was my two daughters, age eleven and fourteen, both music lovers and one a music performer herself. All I could think about was the world they\u2019d never know \u2013 the world where you\u2019re safe to walk into an auditorium laughing uninhibitedly with your friends; the thought of not walking out alive never even entering your mind.<\/p>\n

It was an emotional concert for me. The lyrics of Needtobreathe\u2019s<\/a> songs were even more relevant, more soul-stirring, more life-giving than usual. Sheltered in the dimly lit venue between family members, I did not even bother wiping the tears from my cheeks. These poignant lyrics from the song Wasteland<\/a> struck a nerve:<\/p>\n

\u201cIn this wasteland where I'm livin'
\nThere is a crack in the door filled with light
\nAnd it's all that I need to get by
\nYeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
\nThere is a crack in the door filled with light
\nAnd it's all that I need to shine.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

About midway through the concert, I received a text message from my 14-year-old daughter who was caring for her three small cousins while their parents enjoyed a night out with my husband and me. My daughter was reaching out because she was unable to console her distressed young cousin. Sleeping in a new place without his mother nearby was causing him angst.<\/p>\n

I walked away from the loud music and called my daughter. She described all the things she\u2019d tried to console him. I could hear the desperation in her voice when she finally said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought about saying we would come home.
\nI thought about telling her exactly what to do.
\nInstead I said, \u201cLook at all the things you have done to comfort him. You have not left him. You have not given up. You can do this, Natalie. Now what do you think is his biggest worry right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

She thought for a moment. \u201cBeing alone and scared,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere do you think he would feel safer?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

After a long pause, she spoke. \u201cI know,\u201d she said with a hint of hope in her voice. \u201cI could bring him upstairs to the guest room close to where I\u2019m doing homework.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat idea!\u201d I commended. I assured her she did not have to get him to sleep, just provide comfort and have him rest until we got home.<\/p>\n

Within thirty minutes, I received a text from my daughter filled with happy face emojis. Her little cousin had calmed down and fallen asleep.<\/p>\n

When we got home from the concert, the first place my sister-in-law and I went was to the guest room where my sweet nephew slept. As we walked through the dark hallway to approach the room, I was taken aback by what I saw \u2013<\/p>\n

A crack of light coming from the darkened room.<\/h3>\n

We opened the door to find a little boy sleeping peacefully in the big bed. His beautiful face was illuminated by the glow of the nightlight my daughter had plugged into the wall next to him.<\/p>\n

She thought of that herself.<\/p>\n

She handled it.<\/p>\n

She brought light to someone\u2019s distressing situation.<\/p>\n

And perhaps she would be one of the many children who will bring light to the troublesome state of the world<\/em>, I thought. Thus, it will be important for me to avoid projecting my negative feelings about the world onto her. My colleague Sandy Blackard<\/a> wisely points out that our emotional reactions to the problems our children face often come from past events in our childhood, as do some of our solutions, especially if we have experienced similar situations \u2013 exclusion, ridicule, fear, failure \u2013 when we were young. Our emotions can cause us to miss important details about the situation our children are facing and influence how they experience it.<\/p>\n

Sandy says that in order to support our children and remain open to\u00a0their <\/em>solutions, it is important for us to step from sympathy (feeling what our child is feeling) into empathy (understanding what our child is feeling and thinking). Instead of offering advice, understanding their point of view on the situation will allow us to play the more important role of a supportive coach, helping them figure out their own solutions<\/strong>. When an empowered child tries something, even if it doesn\u2019t work, he or she is more likely to try again.<\/p>\n

To help our children figure out what will work for any problem, Sandy suggests we start by finding out what they\u00a0<\/em>think the problem is. That way, their solutions will address the \u201cright\u201d problem\u2013 the one they feel ready to address.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Sandy\u2019s advice took on a whole new meaning a few days after the concert. My daughter and I were on a walk one evening when she mentioned how a classmate made a political statement through an article of clothing. The statement was divisive and hurtful to some, and my daughter noticed the hurt. She thought about the problem and decided that confronting the individual would not be helpful \u2013 but reaching out to one of her alienated classmates would be. So that is what she did. She recognized the need for inclusion and acceptance and thought it could improve the situation. And it did.<\/p>\n

The crack of light.<\/h3>\n

She thought of it.<\/p>\n

She handled it.<\/p>\n

She brought light to someone\u2019s distressful situation.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As I look at the current state of our world, I see so much work to be done. I see so much pain, hostility, and unrest \u2026 but my child sees something I don't.<\/p>\n

She sees opportunity to step into a role she was born to fill. I must be mindful not to cloud that view with my negative perceptions or emotional baggage.\u00a0By routinely striving to see her point of view on problem situations\u2014I will be able to fill the important role of loving encourager, steadfast believer, and light protector.<\/p>\n

This whole experience has got me thinking.<\/p>\n

What if we collectively assumed this supportive role for the next generation? Just think of the possibilities.<\/p>\n

Where we see walls, they will see a way to build bridges.<\/em>
\n Where we exclusion, they will see a place to open circles.<\/em>
\n Where we see scarcity, they will see enough to go around.<\/em>
\n Where we see darkness,\u00a0they see a chance to shine a light.<\/em><\/p>\n

I see things differently than I did at the concert that night.<\/p>\n

While I was mourning the world my children would never know, I was failing to see what the world could become through their capable hands and hearts.<\/h3>\n

They are the problem solvers; they are the out-of-the-box thinkers; they are the hope revivers.<\/p>\n

Now I know.<\/p>\n

They don't need my sympathy.
\nThey don't need my tears.
\nThey don't need to be rescued.
\nThey need my support, my encouragement, and my belief.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Has there ever been a greater opportunity to build a more loving and unified world?<\/h3>\n

I don\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n

And we have the privilege of raising the generation who will build it.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s empower.
\nLet\u2019s support.
\nLet\u2019s believe.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s see the world's problems through their hopeful eyes.<\/p>\n

That crack in the door is about to become a flood light of hope.<\/p>\n

Shine on, precious children, shine on.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

You give me hope.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

**************************************************************************<\/p>\n

Dear friends of the Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, three important things for you:\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n