{"id":7834,"date":"2017-12-08T07:59:15","date_gmt":"2017-12-08T13:59:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=7834"},"modified":"2019-01-13T11:35:35","modified_gmt":"2019-01-13T17:35:35","slug":"am-i-invisible-the-pain-relieving-response-to-being-rejected-or-excluded","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2017\/12\/08\/am-i-invisible-the-pain-relieving-response-to-being-rejected-or-excluded\/","title":{"rendered":"Am I Invisible? The Pain-Relieving Response to Being Rejected or Excluded"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

My eleven-year-old daughter started a new extracurricular activity a few weeks ago.\u00a0We\u2019re still learning the ropes and aren\u2019t quite sure how things run. On the first day, we walked up to two women who were waiting with their children for the activity to start. I politely asked them a question about protocol and explained we were new.<\/p>\n

I was met with annoyed facial expressions and curt answers.<\/p>\n

Following that response with an introduction seemed inappropriate so I turned to their children and introduced myself and my daughter to them. We talked with the children until the class began. The following week, I saw the women again in the waiting area.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello,\u201d I said warmly. \u201cHow are you both doing today?\u201d I received mumbled replies and they immediately turned back to each other and continued talking. My daughter and I talked to each other which relieved the painful sense of feeling invisible.<\/p>\n

Last week, as my daughter and walked up to the activity, I saw the women in their usual spot. I felt a twinge of something I couldn\u2019t explain in my stomach. It was not a pleasant feeling \u2013 perhaps anxiety, embarrassment, awkwardness? Whatever it was, that feeling made me feel like not trying anymore. I stopped my daughter several feet away from the waiting area and suggested we watch some games going on.<\/p>\n

That is when the best possible result that could happen from this experience occurred.<\/h3>\n

I said, \u201cRemember this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remember this when you are in familiar territory and someone new walks up looking for guidance. <\/em><\/p>\n

Remember this when you see someone on the outskirts anxiously holding her own hand. <\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Remember this when someone approaches you and asks a question \u2013 see the bravery behind the words.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Remember this when you see someone stop trying \u2013 perhaps he\u2019s been rejected one too many times. <\/em><\/p>\n

Remember this when you see someone being excluded or alienated \u2013 just one friendly person can relieve the painful sense of feeling invisible. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Remember the deepest desire of the human heart is to belong \u2026 to be welcomed \u2026 to know you are seen and worthy of kindness.<\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

This week, as Avery and I drove up to her extracurricular activity, I felt a new feeling when I saw those women. As odd as it may sound, it was gratitude. I felt grateful they\u2019d reminded me of one of life\u2019s highest lessons. Author Kari Kampakis<\/a>\u00a0beautifully describes the concept of using people\u2019s hurtful actions as opportunities for self-growth. She writes:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cRegardless of how anyone treats you, you stand to benefit. While some people teach you who you do<\/strong><\/em> want to be, others teach you who you don\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> want to be. And it\u2019s the people who teach you who you don\u2019t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The unkind treatment I received became a means to gain awareness, compassion, and connection. When I shared my story of rejection on my Facebook page<\/a> earlier this week, there were hundreds of comments and private messages\u2014some quite painful\u2014confirming the need to belong is unmet for many people in our society. In addition to those who shared their painful stories of exclusion, there were people who shared helpful actions and roles they\u2019d taken to be an Includer<\/em> and make others feel welcome.<\/p>\n

I was quickly reminded of the specific need our family had when we moved to a new state three years ago. On one of our first trips to the grocery store, we passed my daughters\u2019 new school.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just hope I am not the only new kid in my class,\u201d my older daughter said looking out the window. \u201cI hope there is just one other new person.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a long pause, she repeated, \u201cJust one.\u201d<\/p>\n

That had been my solitary prayer in the months leading up to the move \u2026 just one friend \u2026 just one kind friend for each of my girls. One person can instantly make you feel unalone, uninvisible \u2026 like you belong.<\/p>\n

A few weeks later, my daughter met a girl at the neighborhood pool. They were the same age, going into the same grade, at the same school.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis will be my first year there,\u201d the girl said. \u201cMaybe we\u2019ll be in the same class.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I saw the unmistakable look of relief on my daughter\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

One person can do that.<\/p>\n

One person can take away months of angst in an instant.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

That same week I had to take my car to the emissions station. It was a requirement in my new state. The woman working asked me if I had my new ID and registration.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I confessed. \u201cThat task is daunting to me because I am directionally challenged,\u201d I laughed, but not really joking.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet a piece a paper,\u201d she said. \u201cI will give you directions to the place to go. It\u2019s easy to get there and there\u2019s never a line.\u201d The woman proceeded to list off exactly what documents I would need. \u201cThey don\u2019t mention all this on the website,\u201d she added.<\/p>\n

I looked down at the little note that revealed the ins and outs of an intimidating task, and I felt like I might cry. I could feel the goofiest smile on my face. As cars backed up behind us, it was no matter to woman. She wanted to make sure I had what I needed. And because of her, I was less scared to tackle this task. My angst was cut in half instantly. One person can do that.<\/p>\n

A few days later, I made a wrong turn after leaving the store. My daughters and I ended up in a parking lot of a busy strip mall. There was a young mother holding a sign, her three young children sitting in on the curb next to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI lost my job. Any spare change would be appreciated,\u201d read my older daughter.<\/p>\n

I pulled over and told my girls to grab some of the cereal, granola bars, and other snacks from our grocery bags. I got a little money from my purse. When the woman and I touched hands as I offered her the items, her eyes filled with tears. She said many people had driven past them, and we were the first to stop. The fact that we cared gave her hope.<\/p>\n

One person can do that.<\/p>\n

One person can give someone hope.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I know this, I absolutely know this, but how often I forget.<\/p>\n

Life gets busy. Things get familiar. I get caught up in my own problems, etc. etc.<\/p>\n

I nearly forget what I have the power to do until one Tuesday afternoon when I take my daughter to an activity, and I am reminded. I approach two women hoping for kindness, but I am met with rudeness.<\/p>\n

And when it happens a second time, I start to feel bitter, so I ask myself how I can turn this into goodness, into love? And that\u2019s when the words, \u201cRemember this,\u201d come out of my mouth.<\/p>\n

I passed on the critical reminder to others not expecting to be flooded with the pain and wisdom of hundreds who\u2019ve stood where I stood.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

One of the most powerful responses came from a beautiful writer named Alexandra Rosas<\/a>. She wrote,<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cYou didn't know when you wrote that, but you were to be in my life today after I received the coldest shoulder when I greeted a group of women. You, I came home to you. You halved my pain and I halved yours: it's together for each other that we find strength to ask, learn, and never fold up and disappear.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

It's together for each other that we find strength to ask, learn, and never fold up and disappear.<\/h3>\n

If that\u2019s not life\u2019s highest lesson, I don\u2019t know what is.<\/p>\n

Let me remember it now, especially now, when the world\u2019s collective pain is so deep, so wide, and so heavy.<\/p>\n

But there is hope \u2026<\/p>\n

Because what we can do individually to heal the world\u2019s collective pain is quite miraculous.\u00a0We can half the pain by being one person\u2019s person<\/em>.<\/h3>\n

With one invitation, we can take someone
From outsider to insider
From outcast to beloved member
From unknown neighbor to coffee companion
From wallflower to life-of-the-party
From shortened life expectancy to 80 years of joy.<\/p>\n

That last line is no exaggeration.<\/p>\n

Dr. Dean Ornish, the founder of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute, says this about \u00a0the\u00a0effects of loneliness<\/a>: \u201cI am not aware of any other factor<\/em>\u200a<\/em>\u2014<\/em>\u200a<\/em>not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery<\/em>\u200a<\/em>\u2014<\/em>\u200a<\/em>that has a greater impact on our incidence of illness, and chance of premature death.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Never underestimate the power you hold as ONE PERSON to save the life of another.<\/h3>\n

\u201cCome join us,\u201d you\u2019ll say with a smile.<\/p>\n

And the recipient will sigh with relief \u2026 angst gone instantly … a\u00a0world of pain cut in half.<\/p>\n

One person can do that.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

************************************************************************<\/p>\n

Dear friends of the <\/b>Hands Free Revolution<\/a>, one of the struggles I often hear from my readers is that they don\u2019t have people they can be real with; they don\u2019t have a place of refuge where they are supported, loved, and welcomed \u201cas is.\u201d Therefore, when I created my online course, SOUL SHIFT<\/a>,<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0one of the main components was<\/b>\u00a0a private online community where we can learn, share, encourage, and grow together. The connections and friendships made in the previous two sessions surpassed anything I ever expected<\/b>. In fact, many members met up at my speaking events this fall. To see the beautiful support systems that are now in place for so many people as a result of SOUL SHIFT<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>brings me great joy<\/b>. If being part of the Soul Shift family sounds inviting to you, there is another session starting on\u00a0<\/b>January<\/i><\/span>\u00a021, 2019. Along with the support of a loving community, you will learn how to<\/b>\u00a0respond to yourself, your people, and life\u2019s challenges with more love, presence, and peace. It is a beautiful and life-changing way to begin a new year. Registration closes Wednesday for\u00a0SOUL SHIFT<\/a>. Here are few testimonies from past participants:\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/i><\/b>I cannot say this about any other course I have taken<\/i><\/b>\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/b> SOUL SHIFT has CHANGED MY LIFE for the better. It felt like\u00a0I was taking an important ride with a close friend who totally understands me. In the course, I was truly impressed with all the ways Rachel engaged participants in thinking through the hardest stuff, the most personal, and the most challenging obstacles. She made the work possible, and even joyful, as we got to laugh out loud and hold each other\u2019s hands in the Facebook group. I am looking forward to joining again for another exciting ride!<\/i><\/b>\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/b> \u2013D.G.<\/i><\/b>
<\/strong><\/em>
\u201cSoul Shift helped keep me grounded and still does. It is a wonderful journey of the soul filled with such grace, blessings, tears, and love from hundreds of strangers all there to support you in your struggles, your triumphs, and your moments of soul shifting. I never knew a community of people could come together like that. Friendships across oceans have been made all in the common bond of love for one another.\u201d\u00a0-C.S.<\/span><\/em>
<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the type of event that will change your life. The course has many parts, but even if you're only able to complete a couple of sections, it will still impact your life and your beloveds in ways that will amaze you. Rachel is the queen of no-shame, acceptance, love, second chances, encouragement and more. The support group is full of others who walk with you, hold your hand, help you dust yourself off (again and again!) after setbacks or stumbles.\u00a0You owe this gift to yourself, come with us!<\/em><\/strong>\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>-HM\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n\n\n

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