{"id":8252,"date":"2018-10-10T07:24:44","date_gmt":"2018-10-10T13:24:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=8252"},"modified":"2018-10-10T07:24:44","modified_gmt":"2018-10-10T13:24:44","slug":"the-discovery-of-a-disappointed-parent-how-it-led-to-limitless-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2018\/10\/10\/the-discovery-of-a-disappointed-parent-how-it-led-to-limitless-love\/","title":{"rendered":"The Discovery of a Disappointed Parent & How it Led to Limitless Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"
\n“Do the things you always wanted to
\n<\/em>Without me there to hold you back; don't think, just do<\/em>
\nMore than anything I want to see you, girl<\/em>
\nTake a glorious bite out of the whole world.”<\/em>
\n-Snow Patrol, You Could Be Happy<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Lately, I\u2019ve been expanding my knowledge on teens. I\u2019d like to write a book to them, or for their parents\u2014I don\u2019t which quite yet. But first, I\u2019d like to raise one\u2014as in LIFT her to all she is meant to be. And I\u2019m willing to admit some of my own \u201cstuff\u201d is problematic to this goal.<\/p>\n

This is my daughter\u2019s first year of high school. While I'd been doing a pretty good job of stepping back to let her soar and stumble in previous years, high school has been another story\u2014and it\u2019s not been a pretty one.<\/p>\n

I knew I was in triggering territory within the first few minutes of the parent orientation meeting. In a matter of forty-five minutes, I heard the words GPA<\/em>, college visits<\/em>, scholarships<\/em>, tutoring<\/em>, dual credit courses<\/em>, and online grade portal<\/em>. It was no surprise I came home feeling clingy and controlling, suddenly yearning to micromanage every hair on my daughter\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

All of a suddenly, it felt like so much was riding on her decisions and her achievements that there was no room for missteps.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Knowing that was not a healthy feeling, I turned to some trusted sources to calm my angst and enlighten me. As fate would have it, Jessica Lahey<\/a>, the brilliant author of The Gift of Failure<\/a>,\u00a0<\/em>had a message for me. The fact that I felt highly uncomfortable while reading it clued me in that it was my message to receive.<\/p>\n

In the article<\/a>, Jessica describes an informal survey she does when speaking to middle and high school students nationwide. After asking them to close their eyes, she says the following statements:<\/p>\n

Raise your hand if you get paid cash money for good grades.<\/em><\/h3>\n

Raise your hand if you get any material thing in exchange for grades. <\/em><\/h3>\n

And then Jessica gives a third prompt, which she prefaces by saying this one\u2019s tougher to answer and requires thoughtful and honest reflection:<\/p>\n

Raise your hand if you truly believe your parents love you more when you bring home high grades, and love you less when you make low ones. <\/em><\/h3>\n

Gulp.<\/em> Those words felt like a\u00a0simultaneous gift and punch in the gut. Jessica then shares the startling results:<\/p>\n

\u201cOver the past five years, I\u2019ve asked this question to thousands of kids, ages 12 to 18, and the percentages still surprise me. Among middle-school children, about 80 percent believe that, yes, their parents truly love them more when they deliver high grades and less when they make low ones. In high school, the average is a little higher \u2014 about 90 percent.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I tried to continue reading the article, but I got stuck on that passage. I read it over and over, opening myself up to the possibility that my child might raise her hand.<\/p>\n

I am quite certain she would.<\/p>\n

After acknowledging that hard truth, I continued reading.<\/p>\n

Jessica went on to describe a critical concept called outcome love<\/em>. She quotes Jim Taylor, a psychologist who specializes in sports and parenting, who defines outcome love\u00a0<\/em>as, \u201ca transaction in which parents bestow the reward of love in exchange for their children\u2019s success, and withdraw that love as punishment for failures.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought about my distinctly different reactions to my child\u2019s high grades as opposed to her less-than-desirable ones, and I knew that I had work to do.<\/p>\n

But what?<\/p>\n

Naturally, I turned to Google.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop focusing on grades,\u201d I typed hastily.<\/p>\n

Article after article confirmed that placing such high value on achievement and outcome (rather than effort) was detrimental to children, leading to discontentment, stress, depression, and negative behaviors. \u00a0Research encourages parents to relay the belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.<\/p>\n

Here are two key passages from the articles I read:<\/p>\n

\u201cFocusing on the measurement of our performance reinforces what researcher\u00a0Carol Dweck\u00a0calls a fixed mind-set. If students believe that how they perform at one moment in time exposes the limits of their potential rather than serving merely as a snapshot of where they are in the process of growing their abilities, feelings of struggle and uncertainty become threatening rather than an opportunity to grow.\u201d (source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

\u201cPlace the value on your students\u2019 understanding. Use these recurrent assessments as a means for feedback and a way for your students to start to view their learning as a process through which they can practice, make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes to improve their understanding.\u201d (source<\/a>)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I felt certain I could shift my focus from outcome to process, but there was something even more pressing I knew I needed to deal with immediately. I needed to change the initial words I said to my daughter when her school day ends.<\/p>\n

Given my new knowledge, I realized my typical line of questioning was sending exactly the message that would make my child raise her hand during Jessica\u2019s talk.<\/p>\n

Questions like:<\/p>\n

Did you get any tests back? <\/em><\/p>\n

Any grades today? <\/em><\/p>\n

How did the quiz go?<\/em><\/p>\n

What homework do you have tonight? <\/em><\/p>\n

I thought about how I\u2019d feel if my husband or children were to greet me at the end of each workday with:<\/p>\n

How many books<\/a> did you sell today?<\/em><\/p>\n

What was the traffic on your website?<\/em><\/p>\n

How many new subscribers did you get on your blog?<\/em><\/p>\n

The questions I love most at the end of my day are:<\/p>\n

How are you, Rachel?<\/em><\/p>\n

How are you feeling about things?<\/p>\n

I am quite certain my child is no different.<\/p>\n

With this new awareness, I immediately stopped asking if she got any grades back the minute she walked in the door.\u00a0 Instead, my greeting addressed her wellbeing \u2013 the whole of her.<\/p>\n

How are you feeling? \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How did your day go? <\/em><\/p>\n

And once I started paying attention, it was easy to see that immediately after her day is done, she craves quiet, alone time. After greeting her, I waited to converse with her at the dinner table, in her room, or in the car. Yet again, I resisted the urge to talk about grades and other school related topics.<\/p>\n

Instead of questioning her, I simply talked to her\u2014<\/p>\n

I\u2019d tell her something that happened in the world.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d tell her something about my day.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d tell her about our cats\u2019 antics or communications I\u2019d had with our friends in Africa.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d also ask for her opinion on situations \u2026 on recipes\u2026 on weekend plans\u2026 on fashion\u2026 on travel.<\/p>\n

And over the past several weeks, something quite hopeful has happened. She\u2019s sharing more with me. She\u2019s smiling more when we are together. I honestly believe she\u2019s breathing easier when I am near.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the most unexpected part: I am receiving answers to all the school-related questions I used to ask. But instead of me asking, she\u2019s the one bringing them up<\/strong>. She is sharing her assignment grades, including the ones that are not quite where she wants them to be.<\/p>\n

And when she does, I am now better prepared to offer a response that does not bestow or withhold love based on outcome. I offer a response that\u00a0focuses on her understanding of the material\u2026 on learning as a process\u2026 on the brain as a muscle that can grow with practice and exercise\u2026 on mistakes or low grades as a tiny snapshot of where she is right now in her learning process. My responses now emphasize a growth mindset<\/strong>, which gives children the best chance to create a thriving and fulfilling life as an adult.\u00a0 (source<\/a>)<\/p>\n

More often than not, my daughter already has some kind of plan for improvement\u2014and that plan might need tweaking or support, but I am no longer the one dictating and driving that plan. This means there is greater chance that the plan will work, and I am able to point out her efforts as strengths.<\/p>\n

But there is more\u2026 it was so subtle that I almost missed it.<\/p>\n

It was a stack of books on the bedside table in our vacation rental.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Before we\u2019d gone on Fall Break, I\u2019d asked her if she was going to bring her schoolbooks to read on our trip. Her response was, \u201cI do enough reading in school, Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of disagreeing or pushing my point, I listened to what she was saying and said, \u201cYes, you deserve a break.\u201d<\/p>\n

One night during break, I noticed the books. There were two poetry books, a world geography book, and an inspirational quote book. She\u2019d brought books after all, but they were to read for enjoyment\u2026 for enlightenment\u2026 for growth\u2026. not for a grade.<\/p>\n

I sat on my daughter's bed, and I asked if the break was helping her relax and restore from school.<\/p>\n

Her response surprised me. She told me yes and that she\u2019d come to a decision about a male friendship. She could see that she was not being treated in a respectful manner and was distancing herself. Her decision was sound. It was healthy. It was smart. It revealed inherent wisdom that would serve her well as she grows.<\/p>\n

This was something she did NOT HAVE to tell me\u2014but she did. And that was significant. I knew my response would be important.<\/p>\n

I did not say, \u201cI\u2019m proud of you,\u201d which I now see as an external judgment \u2013 a verdict on my child\u2019s performance or behavior.<\/p>\n

I said, \u201cYou\u2019re listening to your heart, and it knows what you need and deserve. I sure learn a lot from you. Thank you for sharing this with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I could tell by the look on her face that the affirmation meant something.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, I knew why I\u2019d been carrying around a quote from Mary Haskell as my latest anchor quote. I\u2019d cried the first time I read it but didn\u2019t know why. It said:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cNothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I'd like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You can't disappoint me.\u201d\u2015\u00a0Mary Haskell<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Can you imagine being loved this way?<\/p>\n

I can. And I\u2019m quite certain the internal struggles I\u2019ve had throughout my life would have been lessened if I had not lived in fear of disappointing people\u2026 if I did not base my worth on achievements, positive feedback, and external measures.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019ve come to this conclusion:<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>The opposite of Outcome Love, is Discovery Love.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>As as I seek to discover my child\u2014rather than question, monitor, and expect of her\u2014I will also discover myself. I wonder how much peace and fulfillment we might grasp in life when we see it as an opportunity to grow, rather than a list of expectations so high we are constantly left with disappointment.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m tired of living in stressful disappointment. I\u2019d much rather live in hopeful discovery. <\/strong><\/p>\n

To help, I have posted this daily intention on my kitchen cabinet where I read it every morning:<\/p>\n

Discovery Love Daily Intention<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n

To be less focused on the marks you earn, so I can see the whole of your being.<\/em><\/p>\n

To be less fixed on letter grades, so I can see the emerging lines of your story.<\/em><\/p>\n

To be less set on my expectations, so I can see the magnitude of your possibilities.<\/em><\/p>\n

Your achievements are only a sliver of who you are.
\n<\/em>If I focus solely on the sliver,
\n<\/em>I miss the highlights.<\/em>
\nI miss the big picture.<\/em>
\nI miss the tiny lines of poetry you\u2019ve marked in yellow.<\/em>
\nI miss the joyful lines around your eyes when you laugh.<\/em><\/p>\n

As I love you with discovery of who you are,<\/em>
\nI will discover love for myself that doesn\u2019t come with conditions.<\/em><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s breathe easier today, my child.<\/em>
\nNo longer will we limit our worth<\/em>
\nour light<\/em>
\nour voice<\/em>
\nour purpose<\/em>
\nby outcome.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a9\u00a0Rachel Macy Stafford 2018<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

*************************************<\/p>\n

For visual reminders to focus on meaningful measures of success, please check out these items in the Hands Free Shop: GET OFF THE SCALE manifesto<\/a>, The Presence Pledge<\/a>, the \u2018COME AS YOU ARE\u2019 metal cuffs<\/a>, and the collection of 25 little SOUL-BUILDING notes<\/a> to tuck inside lunch boxes, books, sports bags, and pillow cases.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Please join me at two upcoming speaking events: <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n