{"id":9067,"date":"2020-01-22T07:43:46","date_gmt":"2020-01-22T13:43:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=9067"},"modified":"2020-01-22T07:43:54","modified_gmt":"2020-01-22T13:43:54","slug":"strengthening-our-kids-from-the-passenger-seat-by-driving-two-key-words-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2020\/01\/22\/strengthening-our-kids-from-the-passenger-seat-by-driving-two-key-words-home\/","title":{"rendered":"Strengthening Our Kids from the Passenger Seat by Driving Two Key Words Home"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u201cWe are not good at anything when we first start<\/em>,\u201d Scott said at the dinner table in response to Avery cringing as she recited the lyrics to the first song she ever wrote.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, like driving!\u201d Natalie chimed in, laughing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the time, she was averaging 15 mph in empty parking lots at dusk\u2026 still figuring out which direction the turn signal needed to go for a left turn\u2026\u00a0\u00a0arms were rigid\u2026 and uncertainty was ever-present.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

But that night, exactly six months ago from this day, Natalie laughed at herself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stayed silent, committing that scene, those words, that laughter to memory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve lived long enough to know we would not be in that place six months from now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, how I hoped that would be the case. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As one of my children was taking on new roads literally, the other was navigating new roads figuratively. And in both cases, I was thrust into the passenger seat, trying to keep my own emotions and insecurities in check as we ventured into unknown territories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What helped was the extensive projec<\/a>t I was pouring my heart into by day. As I immersed myself in everything related to the stressors facing kids today, I\u2019d come across gems in my research that applied to my life in real time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One piece was so relevant, so encouraging, that I grabbed a sticky note and wrote STINKS<\/strong> and HANDLE<\/strong> on it. The words were inspired by a passage<\/a> where the brilliant Dr. Lisa Damour explains that young people often feel stressed because they\u00a0\u201coverestimate the difficulty of a situation and\u00a0underestimate\u00a0their ability to deal with it.\u201d By avoiding or being rescued from the challenge, they miss the chance to see their own strength and their ability to overcome.\u00a0

These were the words that spoke directly to me:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDamour has found two words helpful in helping keep teens in the driver\u2019s seat: \u2018stinks\u2019 and \u2018handle.\u2019<\/em><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
\u2018That really stinks\u2019 is a very simple phrase that cuts right through it. It says, \u2018I hear you, and I\u2019m just going to sit here for a moment and acknowledge that what you are up against isn\u2019t that great,\u2019 said Damour, \u2018Empathy goes very, very far in helping them contain what is upsetting them.\u2019 <\/em><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Often, there is no simple solution to a stressor, so the next step may simply be acceptance \u2013 acceptance of the situation and of their strength to persist through it. It\u2019s the ability to say to yourself, \u2018This stinks, but this is something I can handle.\u2019 The word \u2018handle\u2019 is very empowering.\u201d<\/em> (Source<\/a>) <\/h5>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Although I had my sticky note reminders, I didn\u2019t need them. Over the past six months, I used the word \u201chandle\u201d more times than I can count while accompanying my daughters on their respective journeys. Offering my belief was something that felt natural to me. And although I was just as uncertain (and sometimes scared) as they were, deep in my heart I knew these challenges were equipping my daughters with tools of resilience that would serve them well in life.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now here we are, six months later, and Natalie is driving on real roads, managing confusing intersections, and making difficult turns. She is consistently looking for added challenges in order to prepare herself to be on the road alone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Can I drive us to the store when there\u2019s more traffic?\u00a0<\/em>

It\u2019s raining right now. This will be good practice.\u00a0<\/em>

I will start driving us to 5am swim team practice so I can do it myself in February.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOk,\u201d I say, silently offering up a prayer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I watch Natalie pull up to stop signs and although I am inclined to say, \u201cIt\u2019s clear; you can go now,\u201d I bite my tongue. She is the one who must determine when it safe to proceed. She is the one in the driver\u2019s seat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I find myself clutching the door handle a lot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And each time I do, I remember Lisa Damour\u2019s powerful words, and more importantly, the power of living them out by trusting that the preparation that has occurred has equipped my daughter to make sound decisions.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I still do not like being in the passenger seat. I like being the one in control. But I do a lot of praying there, which often includes my husband\u2019s wisdom:\u00a0We are not good when first start; we get better through the act of trying, showing up, and being brave.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

One thing that became clear through this process is that not everyone is on board with the slow pace of learning and the hesitations that come with inexperience.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Natalie noticed too. The cars behind her were impatient, even blasting their horn for her to go before she felt safe to proceed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took to the Internet and ordered several fluorescent green signs to affix to the car. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were so many \u201clearning to drive\u201d signs to choose from, but there was one worded differently than the rest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease Be Patient<\/strong>: Student Driver<\/strong>,\u201d it read, tapping into compassion and understanding.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although I wanted to slap the glowing magnets on the front, sides, and back of the car, Natalie felt one was sufficient. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Yet, even with just one warning sign, the difference was immediately noticeable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other drivers gave her space and time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The honking stopped. 
The tailgating ceased. 
The angry hand gestures came to an end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Natalie practiced with the relief in knowing people understood the delicate process going on there \u2013 a process the other drivers had been through themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other night, she drove us home from the store. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m doing really good, aren\u2019t I?\u201d she exclaimed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t really a question, I noticed. Natalie knew she was doing well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She came in the house and excitedly told her dad about her driving successes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d expected this. I\u2019d looked forward to this day. But yet, I couldn\u2019t help but think of the other road \u2013 the one traveled by my younger daughter who was upstairs trying to get used to another brace for her curved spine \u2013 one that required all day and night wear.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019d gotten used to sleeping in the rigid, plastic casing at night, but it was not enough to stop the aggressive growth. She must now enter another new territory \u2013 venture out onto real roads \u2013 where she is susceptible to the world\u2019s impatience, cruelty, and judgment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If only it was as simple as affixing a neon sign that warns people to be patient, to give space, to be kind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as with most life challenges, there is no sign warning others that a delicate, internal process is happening, and support is needed.\u00a0<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

But I know — <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I hold these words of Lisa Damour close to my heart: \u201cHow adults respond to teens\u2019 emotional reactions matters a lot. When adults become anxious in response to a teen\u2019s anxiety, it exacerbates the situation<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0(source<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I use key words that drive home empathy, belief, and strength: \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This stinks. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m so sorry you must go through this. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe you can handle this. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am in awe of how you are handling this. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Avery and I imagine the day when this journey of pain and uncertainty will have resolution\u2026 when the tools she gained will be hers to use and lend\u2026 when she can look back on the long, arduous path and say, \u201cI made it; I did really well.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alas, we are not there yet. I\u2019m still gripping the handle, praying in the passenger seat. But even there, I am acquiring gifts from this position I don\u2019t want to be in. Learning to trust is one; the other is compassion and understanding for struggles the eyes cannot see. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Avery and I drive to medical appointments and walk long hospital corridors, I remember the florescent green sign that brought comfort to a human being who was taking on a new challenge. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I see the sign in my mind\u2019s eye,\u00a0
adhered to the person\u2019s weary shoulders,\u00a0
blocking the light in that person\u2019s eyes,\u00a0
underlining that person\u2019s words that come off a bit too harsh.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In mind\u2019s eye, I see the fluorescent sign that says:   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please Be Patient.
Learning going on here.\u00a0<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

What are they learning?<\/em> I wonder.\u00a0
Might be something they never wished to know.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where are they going?<\/em> I ponder.\u00a0
Might be a route they would've never chosen to travel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I see them clearly,\u00a0
Trying to peer through a fogged-up windshield,\u00a0
Trying to fall stay awake at the wheel, weary from exhaustion,\u00a0
Trying to locate JOY in their two-mile radius, but it was removed on January 2nd<\/sup>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And in that moment, my heart softens. Patience kicks in. And I remember how much a companion means when we are taking a road trip through pain and uncertainty. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My friend, today I wish to be your companion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I just want to say this: 

What you are going through stinks\u2026 <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you can handle it\u2026 <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look how you\u2019re handling it. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I envision you in a future moment \u2013\u00a0
Owning the road,
Arms relaxed at the wheel,\u00a0
Hair blowing in the wind,\u00a0
Favorite song playing on the radio.\u00a0

And I\u2019ll be in the passenger seat, clapping my hands, singing along, and celebrating how far we\u2019ve come.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

My friends, I celebrate another birthday this week, and this one is a particularly special one. As many of you know, I started writing a book around this time last year, and the first few months of the process were excruciatingly difficult. I wanted to quit so many times\u2014and even came up with sound reasons why I could back out. Through faith and support, I was able to stay the course, and writing this book ended up being exactly what I needed at that time in my life. Now I hope that everything I have poured into LIVE LOVE NOW<\/a> is what you need at this time in your life and in the life of the young person you love. This week, I received an endorsement from acclaimed author and adolescent psychotherapist, Katie Hurley<\/a>, that felt like an early birthday present. Thank you for celebrating this news with me:\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dearest Rachel,\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should know that I have carried your book with me everywhere for the past week – cheer practice, basketball practice, the grocery store, etc – I think maybe it\u2019s become an added layer of my heart that I don\u2019t want to put down. Which brings me to my second point – I\u2019m sad to have reached the end. This book offers such an intense connection coupled with sheer relief (we can do this – we can take these small steps and make a big difference in the lives of our teens) and truly I could have read 500 more pages of your loving wisdom without missing a beat. You are a gift.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRachel Macy Stafford has an incredible capacity to turn ordinary words into soul-fulfilling inspiration, and\u00a0Live Love Now<\/strong> is a gift to parents of teens everywhere. Stafford leans into her own vulnerability to reach her readers right where they are – in the thick of parenting teens through what can only be described as a time of high stress and anxiety. Stafford reminds us that simple changes often yield positive results when building connections with our teens. Her focus on acceptance, encouragement, and gentle guidance reminds parents to step away from judgment (their own and those of others) and meet their teens where they are in their journey through adolescence. This is a book I will recommend over and over again.\u201d <\/em>-Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of No More Mean Girls <\/em>and The Happy Kid Handbook\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My friends, if you are inclined to purchase LIVE LOVE NOW, I\u2019d be so grateful for your early support through a pre-order from one of these retailers: Amazon<\/a>, Barnes & Noble<\/a>, IndieBooks<\/a>, Books-a-Millio<\/a>n, or Premiere Collectibles<\/a> (this is a signed copy).\u00a0\u00a0To thank you, I have created a helpful collection of bonus gifts, including three empowering printables & a phone lock screen to increase connection and a LIVE LOVE NOW 21-Day Self Care audio series. Click here<\/a> to pre-order LIVE LOVE NOW, see all the bonus details, and redeem your gifts. Thank you for loving my family & me so well.\u00a0We love you. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cWe are not good at anything when we first start,\u201d Scott said at the dinner table in response to Avery cringing as she recited the lyrics to the first song she ever wrote.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, like driving!\u201d Natalie chimed in, laughing.  At the time, she was averaging 15 mph in empty parking lots at dusk\u2026 still […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":9075,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1826,1778,1735,1742,1766,1747,1760,1856,1736,1763,1838,1825,1831],"tags":[],"gutentor_comment":8,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/IMG_0485-scaled.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-2mf","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9067"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9067"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9067\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9075"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9067"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9067"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9067"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}