{"id":9375,"date":"2021-09-23T06:50:46","date_gmt":"2021-09-23T12:50:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=9375"},"modified":"2021-09-23T06:52:05","modified_gmt":"2021-09-23T12:52:05","slug":"i-wont-give-you-a-reason-the-bad-thing-happened-ill-give-you-something-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2021\/09\/23\/i-wont-give-you-a-reason-the-bad-thing-happened-ill-give-you-something-better\/","title":{"rendered":"I Won&#8217;t Give You a Reason the Bad Thing Happened. I&#8217;ll Give You Something Better"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-scaled.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9376\" width=\"743\" height=\"557\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-scaled.jpeg 2560w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-800x600.jpeg 800w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-360x270.jpeg 360w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-768x576.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-1536x1152.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_1834-2-2048x1536.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 743px) 100vw, 743px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You can do everything \u201cright\u201d and things can still go horribly wrong.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I am facing this.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I am embracing this.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And yet, the question \u2018WHY?\u2019 pops up like a pesky fly, abruptly interrupting my thoughts, my focus, my joy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>But WHY did this happen?&nbsp;<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The human need to figure out why a crisis occurred \u2026 where to place the blame\u2026 or at least find the rainbow in the cloud is mighty strong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I am good at that last one\u2014the ability to find the lesson therein, the opportunity for growth, the gift in the grief.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But I couldn\u2019t do it this time. Oh, believe me, I tried. I turned this summer\u2019s crisis on its head, over and over, looking for a crack that would let me see the prize inside.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But the more I turned, the more heartbreaking sides to the situation I saw, and the more guilt I felt for missing the signs that may have prevented it in the first place.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So, two weeks ago, I stopped turning the crisis over and over in my head. I set it down.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I said to myself:<br><br><strong>\u201c<em>Something really bad happened, and I don\u2019t know why. I may never know why.&nbsp;<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em><strong>This is what it is.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em><strong>It just is.\u201d<br><\/strong><\/em><br>Once I stopped trying to find what wasn\u2019t meant (or ready) to be found, I realized this created much needed space to ask myself one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>What do I need most right now to recover?&nbsp;<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>With a little time, honesty, and self-compassion, my heart indicated:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><strong>I need quiet<\/strong> \u2013 I can\u2019t take a lot of people right now.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><strong>I need trustworthy people<\/strong> \u2013 I can\u2019t handle those who just want to know things out of curiosity, not because they care.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><strong>I need comforting things<\/strong> \u2013 I need cushiony insoles for my slow-to-heal foot, a tiny cat brush for when rambunctious Paisley lays beside me, books I can get lost in, orange-scented lotion to nourish my parched skin.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><strong>I need time<\/strong> \u2013 I need to know it\u2019s ok to take as much time as I need to process and heal. I need to know that those who truly love me will wait.<br><br><\/li><li>I<strong> need connection<\/strong> \u2013 I need to feel solidarity with another human being, not the masses. I need to reach and be reached, one meaningful conversation, one reciprocal interaction at a time.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><strong>I need familiarity<\/strong> \u2013 I need to engage in activities I know by heart, by soul, by hands.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>That last need brought me to my muffin pans. I\u2019ve lost count, but I believe I\u2019ve made nine dozen batches of muffins in the past two weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-scaled.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9377\" width=\"726\" height=\"487\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-scaled.jpeg 2560w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-893x600.jpeg 893w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-402x270.jpeg 402w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-768x516.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-1536x1032.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-2048x1377.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 726px) 100vw, 726px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>Making muffins is one of the most soothing, joyful activities I know how to do. I am a good muffin maker. There are no tunnels from over stirring. There are no mushy centers from underbaking. There is no animosity or resentment in the batter; it is truly a labor of love, which shows in the brown sugar carefully sprinkled on top before baking.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My specialty is banana muffins. I use a simple recipe that I can instantly turn to in <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3ELYZo2\">the cookbook<\/a> because it\u2019s been used so many times. I\u2019m pretty sure I know the recipe by heart, but I get it out anyway. I like to hear the crack of the cookbook and feel the flour-dusted page beneath my fingers.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My favorite part of the muffin-making process is placing the mini masterpieces on the cooling rack and watching them draw people out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI am soooooooooo hungry,\u201d my youngest teen (who is looking more and more like a grown up these days) said upon arrival from school.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I excitedly told her that I\u2019d made muffins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t like banana muffins,\u201d was her response.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>What?! Since when?<\/em>&nbsp;Those remarks popped in my head, but I didn\u2019t say them out loud. Instead, I said, \u201cOk\u2026 suit yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As she rummaged around in the fridge, the most tender part of me, which is still recovering from crisis, said,&nbsp;<em>\u201cSee? You don\u2019t know her anymore. See? You missed something again.\u201d<br><\/em><br>In an effort to connect to my logical inner self, I took a deep breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u2018No,\u2019&nbsp;<\/em>Logical Me stated.<em>&nbsp;\u2018Don\u2019t make this into something it\u2019s not. She does not want the muffin. You don\u2019t have to take this personally\u2026 analyze it\u2026 or interpret it. It\u2019s simply a choice.<strong> It is what it is<\/strong>.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The next morning, I placed two muffins in separate baggies.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWould you like to take these to your two friends at the bus stop?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She considered it. And then said, \u201cOk.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When she got home, she reported that since only one friend showed up, she gave one muffin to her kind bus driver and the other to her friend.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cMom, Julia loved your muffin. She couldn\u2019t stop talking about it. She wants the recipe.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cReally?\u201d I asked, feeling ridiculously happy over this simple news.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I then watched my daughter take a muffin out of the freezer and warm it up. She then proceeded to eat it \u2013 that banana muffin that repulsed her the day before.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cCan you make some more of these, Mom?\u201d she asked between bites.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I told her I\u2019d been thinking about taking some muffins to my friend from the grocery store who had to retire because of her poor health.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWant to come with me to deliver them to her this weekend?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I held my breath as my daughter considered. In the pause, I reminded myself to accept \u201cwhat is,\u201d rather than analyze, dig, or dissect the outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOk. I\u2019ll go,\u201d she said. And a few days later, my daughter stayed true to her word.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After setting the bag of goodies on the elderly woman\u2019s porch, I called her on speaker phone.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cRachel? Is that you?\u201d the woman said. \u201cI am not doing well, darling. Thank you for checking on me.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I told her I was so sorry to hear she was still in pain, and that I\u2019d left a gift on her porch.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Over the speaker, we heard her slowly making her way to the door. There was a gasp\u2026 then, muffled sobs.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I looked over at my daughter sitting in the passenger seat, taking it all in. She held a look of surprise, tenderness, concern, compassion.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When the woman regained her composure, she said, \u201cThe doctors can\u2019t figure out what\u2019s wrong with me. I have had so many tests. I am so tired, darling. But today\u2026 I am remembered.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">As my daughter listened to the shaky voice on the other line, she brought her hand to her heart.&nbsp;<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>There was something comfortingly familiar about this gesture, one that gave me peace about the increasingly complex, sometimes nearly unrecognizable teen sitting beside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Peace doesn\u2019t come easy these days. The recent events in my family\u2019s life have caused me to second guess everything I thought I knew. What <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> help is to pressure myself to find meaning in the heartache. What helps is say, \u201cMaybe it just IS.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Maybe it\u2019s a chance to learn new ways to love my child\u2026 and myself.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Maybe it\u2019s a chance to expand my empathy lens when I encounter a situation I have not lived.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Maybe it\u2019s a chance to lean into what I know for sure\u2026<br><\/em><br>I know how to make muffins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know people need to feel seen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know it\u2019s important to talk about hard things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know love starts to look different as our kids grow, stumble, individuate, and overcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know my responses in hard moments can add to the instability or ease it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know when bad things happen, we are not obligated to look for the \u201cblessing in disguise.\u201d<br><br>I know space to heal is created by acknowledging what IS.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This week, a thank you card from my elderly friend arrived in the mail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-scaled.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9379\" width=\"745\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-scaled.jpeg 2560w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-800x600.jpeg 800w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-360x270.jpeg 360w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-768x576.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-1536x1152.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5995-2-2048x1536.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 745px) 100vw, 745px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>In her fragile handwriting, one particular line stood out: <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">\u201cYour kindness was like a bright ray of sunshine and made me forget my suffering for some time.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I wondered how many times this beautiful soul has turned her troubling situation over in her hands and heart in hopes of finding WHY.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s a human response to find meaning in the incomprehensible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But on a Sunday morning in September, this dear woman set down the heavy unknown for a moment and was lifted by love.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And I helped her do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t know why she must go through this pain any more than I know why something bad happened to someone I deeply love.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But I do know I make great muffins\u2026 and I also make a great companion for life\u2019s hardest journeys.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Both are labors of love that I will never pass up when given the chance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Beloved friends, although I have stepped back from my social media accounts to tend to \u2018life\u2019s essentials,\u2019 I am finding great solace, support, and community in my current <a href=\"https:\/\/my.handsfreemama.com\">Soul Shift group<\/a>. Connection with people who allow us to show up as our most authentic selves is deeply healing and hopeful. If you sense this type of connection is needed in your life, please consider joining me in the mountains of North Carolina on Nov. 5-7 for my restorative, in-person <a href=\"https:\/\/artoflivingretreatcenter.org\/event\/faculty\/rachel-macy-stafford\/soul-shift\/\">Soul Shift weekend retreat<\/a>. It would be my joy to meet you right where you are and make healing discoveries together. <a href=\"https:\/\/artoflivingretreatcenter.org\/event\/faculty\/rachel-macy-stafford\/soul-shift\/\">Click here<\/a> for all the information.&nbsp;<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>For the banana muffin recipe, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.myrecipes.com\/recipe\/moms-banana-bread\">click here<\/a>. Instead of using a bread pan, use muffin tins and bake at 400 degrees. I like adding chocolate chips to the batter and sprinkling the muffins with brown sugar and walnuts before baking.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/1166_SoulShiftTeaching_amyp_October19.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8899\" width=\"744\" height=\"519\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/1166_SoulShiftTeaching_amyp_October19.jpg 978w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/1166_SoulShiftTeaching_amyp_October19-859x600.jpg 859w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/1166_SoulShiftTeaching_amyp_October19-768x536.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/1166_SoulShiftTeaching_amyp_October19-387x270.jpg 387w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 744px) 100vw, 744px\" \/><figcaption>My upcoming Soul Shift Retreat is a unique opportunity to combine inspiration and skill-building, while unwinding on a beautiful campus and creating the human connections we all seek. <a href=\"https:\/\/artoflivingretreatcenter.org\/event\/faculty\/rachel-macy-stafford\/soul-shift\/\">Click here<\/a> to register.<br><br>*photo by <a href=\"https:\/\/amy-paulson.com\">Amy B. Paulson<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You can do everything \u201cright\u201d and things can still go horribly wrong.&nbsp; I am facing this.&nbsp; I am embracing this.&nbsp; And yet, the question \u2018WHY?\u2019 pops up like a pesky fly, abruptly interrupting my thoughts, my focus, my joy.&nbsp; But WHY did this happen?&nbsp; The human need to figure out why a crisis occurred \u2026 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":9377,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1826,1742,1766,1780,1747,1760,1736,1763,1863,1825,1872,1745,1746,1781,1870],"tags":[],"gutentor_comment":4,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/IMG_5729-scaled.jpeg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-2rd","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9375"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9375"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9375\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9377"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9375"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9375"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9375"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}