{"id":9469,"date":"2022-08-26T08:10:11","date_gmt":"2022-08-26T14:10:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=9469"},"modified":"2022-08-28T07:18:55","modified_gmt":"2022-08-28T13:18:55","slug":"the-best-worst-advice-on-helping-kids-learn-to-help-themselves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2022\/08\/26\/the-best-worst-advice-on-helping-kids-learn-to-help-themselves\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best “Worst” Advice on Helping Kids Learn to Help Themselves"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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This summer, I got the Best \u2018Worst\u2019 Advice for\u00a0helping teens become more autonomous, meaning they learn to help themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best \u2018Worst\u2019 Advice?<\/em> How can it be both,<\/em> you ask? I\u2019d love to explain (and find out I am not alone in this) \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See, it all started at the summer orientation hosted by my daughter\u2019s college back in June. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was seated in an auditorium with 200 parents eager to learn the ins and outs of supporting their first-time college student. The faculty advisor addressing us really got our attention with the following suggestion:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen your college freshman texts you with a problem they\u2019re having, I suggest you don\u2019t respond right away.\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Yikes!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019d been warned that what we were about to hear would be uncomfortable, but for someone Formerly Addicted to Helping, that suggestion fell into the category of agonizing<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even though I wanted to put my fingers in my ears and sing, \u201clalala\u2026 I can\u2019t hear you<\/em>,\u201d I listened to the logic behind the advice, which was:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that space between the young adult vocalizing the problem and the parent response, is time for THEM to problem-solve for themselves.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Okay, so I understood the rationale\u2014but this strategy for cultivating autonomy in our budding young adult felt more than uncomfortable to me \u2013 it felt wrong. The more the college advisor elaborated on it, the deeper I dug in my heels. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018That is the WORST advice,\u2019 <\/em>I silently scoffed. \u2018I will NOT do that<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, past experience tells me that whenever I have a strong internal reaction like that, it means something has struck a chord\u2014and it would serve me well to investigate why.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Luckily, the summer months gave me plenty of chances to wrestle with this idea. Out of the bazillion pieces of information relayed to parents during orientation, I thought about the Dreaded Delayed Response (DDR) the most\u2014especially when my daughter told me about a problem she was having.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I simply couldn\u2019t imagine being silent on PURPOSE in her time of need. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then something happened\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My plan to accompany my daughter to the Long Course Swimming State Championships at the end of July was ruined by COVID. I got sick \u2013 really sick. I would not be navigating roads, rooming with her, or doing anything an enthusiastic swim mom loves to do. My daughter would be doing this without me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I regrettably broke the news to Natalie over the phone from my basement bunker and headed back to bed. While I slept most of the day, she arranged for a friend to accompany her on the long drive. She mapped a route that avoided one of the busiest interstates in the country. The next day, she successfully checked into her hotel room and went out of her comfort zone to dine with fellow swim recruits who were going to her same college. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my daughter returned four days later, she gave me a detailed report of her adventure. She described a few things that had gone wrong and a lot of things that had gone right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I immediately noticed a new confidence and enthusiasm about the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As if reading my mind, she explained, \u201cI think I chose the right college for me\u2014a place where I can belong.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some reason, Natalie\u2019s statement brought to mind the words of the Athletic Director who spoke to the parents of athletes shortly after The Dreaded Suggestion was given to the entire group. Hearing it said again, but in a different way, was actually really helpful\u2014and I\u2019d completely forgotten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The A.D said:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cInstead of turning to you<\/em> when your child has a problem, we want them to learn to turn to their community here<\/em><\/strong>\u2026 and the resources here.<\/em><\/strong> You can best support them by directing them to do just that.\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Suddenly, I had an image of fourth-grade Natalie holding a fellow classmate securely on her lap during a movie. I hadn\u2019t been there, but I was able to envision it given what the child\u2019s parent said. The mother wrote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease tell Natalie thank you for me. I was tucking my child in bed, and she told me Natalie was the only one in class that let my daughter sit in her lap. She is our cuddly and nurturing child who feels safer when tucked in a lap, even at ten-years-old. She said that Natalie held her for the entire movie, and that it was the best day because of that one thing.\u201d<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m sure that mother never imagined that this image of two girls creating community, right where they were, would be the image I needed now, almost ten years after the fact. This notion of reaching out to the resources and helpers in one\u2019s proximity is a vital skill I want to reinforce when my daughter turns to me with a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The truth is, I love to be needed<\/strong>\u2026 perhaps to a fault. I\u2019ve done enough Soul Shift work<\/a> to know that is because for so long, I tied my sense of worth to helping others. But with this self-awareness, I can check myself \u2013 and remember the goal is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For my child, who is a budding young adult, to gain the independence, ability, and confidence to help herself.<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Will that look like delaying my responses to her text messages?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Given that she\u2019s been at college for a week now, and I excitedly answer every text as soon as I see it, probably not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But responding<\/strong><\/em> and rescuing<\/strong> <\/em>are not the same thing \u2013 at least not when ego is in check.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now back to the best\/worst terminology I used to begin the story\u2026<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I use ‘worst' <\/em>because I don\u2019t believe blanket statements belong in sentences about how people should respond when a loved one turns to them with a problem. 1) Because no two humans are the same \u2013 and what may foster autonomy in one young adult might exacerbate stress in another, and 2) nuance is important when determining which situations might call for stepping back and which ones call for stepping in \u2013 and there are no absolutes until it happens. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I also use ‘best' <\/em>because the advice caused me to think about how my need to be needed<\/em> can hinder my child\u2019s ability to seek solutions and learn to make her own decisions. If I detect my motivation to give guidance is to feel worthy, then I am no longer helping my child; I am helping myself.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keeping in mind the goal is for kids to develop their own autonomy as individuals is so important \u2013 but so is recognizing that process will differ from one family to the next. Research shows that in general, parents can promote autonomy by \u201cactively redefining the parent\u2013student relationship, encouraging responsibility, and relinquishing unnecessary control\u201d (Weissman, Cohen, Boxer, & Cohler, 1989). How that looks in your family will look different than mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when it comes down to it, I think there\u2019s a universal hope for our budding young adults \u2013 that wherever they are, there will BE a safe \u201clap\u201d for them to crawl into \u2013 and that they won\u2019t hesitate to become one for someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My friends, being in community during challenging seasons of life isn\u2019t just vital for young people; it\u2019s vital for grown adults too. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine Soul Shift, the online course I developed in 2018, would become a beacon of support and connection for so many people in these isolating and unstable times. If you\u2019ve wanted to take part, that opportunity is here. A new session of Soul Shift begins in September. I\u2019m calling this updated series with live gatherings and hand in hand support, Soul Shift LIFT, because the past seven sessions have proved that when we lift ourselves, we lift each other. Registration opens at an early bird price this Sunday, so be sure enter your email here<\/a>, so you don\u2019t miss the notification about this transformative, self-paced journey.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

HOWEVER\u2026 if an in-person gathering with loving people from this community is what you crave right now, there are still some spots available for the fall Soul Shift retreats. The small gathering at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY<\/a> is just 2 weeks away, and the gathering at The Art of Living in Boone, NC<\/a> is just 2 months away. Together, we\u2019ll experience restorative time listening to ourselves and each other so we can move forward with a personal map to our lost joy and buried dreams. This is the power of being seen, heard, and valued in community. Click here<\/a> to register for the September retreat and click here<\/a> for the November retreat. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I leave you with one of the many beautiful testimonies from a Soul Shift member:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI cannot say this about any other course I have taken\u2026 SOUL SHIFT has CHANGED MY LIFE for the better. It felt like I was taking an important ride with a close friend who totally understands me. I was truly impressed with all the ways Rachel engaged participants in thinking through the hardest stuff, the most personal, and the most challenging obstacles. She made the work possible, and even joyful, as we got to laugh out loud and hold each other\u2019s hands. I am looking forward to joining again for another exciting ride!\u201d <\/em>\u2013D.G. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Photo by Amy Paulson at the Art of Living Retreat Center in 2021. I will be returning Nov 5-7. Please join me<\/a>!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

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This summer, I got the Best \u2018Worst\u2019 Advice for\u00a0helping teens become more autonomous, meaning they learn to help themselves. Best \u2018Worst\u2019 Advice? How can it be both, you ask? I\u2019d love to explain (and find out I am not alone in this) \u2026 See, it all started at the summer orientation hosted by my daughter\u2019s college back […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":9470,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1778,1742,1747,1760,1763,1838,1825,1872,1870,1831],"tags":[],"gutentor_comment":3,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/DSC_0829-4-scaled.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fUJF-2sJ","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9469"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9469"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9469\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9470"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9469"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9469"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9469"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}