{"id":9726,"date":"2023-10-20T07:08:20","date_gmt":"2023-10-20T13:08:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/?p=9726"},"modified":"2023-10-20T10:22:23","modified_gmt":"2023-10-20T16:22:23","slug":"toxic-regret-when-signs-point-to-finally-forgiving-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.handsfreemama.com\/2023\/10\/20\/toxic-regret-when-signs-point-to-finally-forgiving-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic Regret: When Signs Point to Finally Forgiving Yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Our hydrangea bush that was dormant for three years decided to produce one bloom this fall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It started out as a potted plant that was gifted to us in honor of Scott\u2019s father, Ben, who passed away shortly after a cancer diagnosis. My family planted it in the fertile soil next to our house in the Spring of 2017.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For two consecutive springs, the shrub grew and bloomed \u2013 and then it didn\u2019t. I wondered what I\u2019d did wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was not a huge leap for me to take. The hydrangea bush and my wrongdoing had always been strongly associated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d made a terrible mistake on March 17, 2017, when I decided not to cancel my professional obligations in Canada for the release of my book, Only Love Today<\/a><\/em>. I\u2019d convinced myself that Ben, who was on hospice, would be there when I got back, and he\u2019d want me to honor my commitment to this book he\u2019d proudly gifted his nurses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While riding in a Canadian taxi, I got news of his passing from my husband, Scott. A sick feeling overcame me; I\u2019d chosen wrong\u2026 horribly wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How could you have chosen work over family? <\/em>I silently screamed at myself. What were you thinking?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt a level of shame I\u2019d never known.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of all the hurtful mistakes I\u2019ve made in my life, this is the one I have forced myself to carry. Refusing to let go of this has resulted in living in toxic regret; each time I am reminded of that life event, I get sucked into a spiral of shame and disappointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

****<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the same time the decaying hydrangea bush showed unexpected signs of life, our family got troubling news. On August 31, 2023, we were presented with a concerning diagnosis that would require medical tests and appointments throughout the month of September. As the appointments (and angst) piled up quickly, I noticed a common exchange between my loved one and me:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loved one: \u201cYou don\u2019t have to go with me to my appointment. I know you\u2019re busy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: \u201cI\u2019d like to come and keep you company, even if I just wait in the waiting room.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loved one (relieved)<\/em>: \u201cOk. Thank you for coming with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

****<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At an appointment on September 22nd<\/sup>, we were told surgery was needed and would happen on a Friday in October; hospital scheduling would determine which Friday and notify us by phone. I had a whole weekend to think about the possibility that my loved one\u2019s surgery date would be Friday, October 27, the day my annual retreat<\/a> in North Carolina was scheduled to begin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first, I panicked\u2026 the what ifs<\/em> came in abundance\u2026 but then I heard a calm, steady voice of assurance from within.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf surgery is scheduled for October 27, you will know what to do,\u201d <\/em>spoke my inner knowing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was true. I knew I would break my contract. I would cancel the retreat. I would pay the consequences. I would disappoint the lovely participants and retreat center staff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would feel gut-wrenchingly hard to make that choice, but it would feel whole-heartedly right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the thing about acknowledging regret \u2013 as much as it hurts, moving through it allows us to see past mistakes as stepping stones to the person we hope to be.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

****<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was with my family member when the surgery scheduler called.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow about Friday, October 13th<\/sup>?\u201d asked the scheduler over speaker phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I nodded enthusiastically as the date was confirmed. It was sooner than we ever could\u2019ve hoped, and there would be no conflict with my prior commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As relieved as I was by the outcome, I couldn\u2019t help but think about the poor choice I\u2019d made in 2017. Guilt and shame began picking up momentum. The question that plagued me for six years was again front and center: How could I have made that choice?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I recognized that moment as a potential turning point; I could get lost in the loop of shame or I could try to pull myself out, once and for all.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Using a self-compassion tool from Soul Shift<\/a><\/em>, I closed my eyes and envisioned 2017 Rachel. She wanted so desperately to be worthy of love and admiration, and she thought she had to earn it by doing \u201cgreat things\u201d \u2013 like meeting the expectations of her publisher and having a \u201csuccessful\u201d book release. It wasn\u2019t until she sat in the back of that taxi and heard Scott\u2019s heartbroken voice, that Rachel realized she was ALREADY worthy \u2013 her presence priceless \u2013 to the people who mattered most.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I could, I\u2019d hug my past self and encourage her by saying, \u201cI know you feel badly about this \u2013 but because of what happened, I know myself better. I know how important it is for me to show up for the people I love. The poor choice you made helps make hard decisions easier now because I know what I value most.\u201d  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

****<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the October 13th<\/sup> surgery date drew near, I found myself visiting the one-bloom hydrangea bush a lot. Although its lavender-blue color had faded since this photo was taken, it was still a wondrous sight.<\/p>\n\n\n

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No longer did I scratch my head wondering why bloom now? And why just one flower?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-forgiveness is a mighty hard thing. I think Ben knew it would be for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cForgive yourself, Rach<\/em>,\u201d I could hear him say, extending a swatch of blue flowers to make sure I didn\u2019t miss the message.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With both hands, I\u2019ve chosen to uproot my toxic regret to make space for the blooms of today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am worthy\u2026 and so, my friend, are you. Using this Forgiveness Letter Template from my book, Soul Shift<\/a><\/em>, let this moment be a turning point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

****<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Precious Self,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know it\u2019s been difficult to forgive you for\u2026 _____________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But looking back at the situation with compassion and curiosity, I see that at the time you were\u2026 _____________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve noticed that you are trying to do things differently now by\u2026 _____________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With this understanding, I commend you for using this painful past experience as a stepping stone to become\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

_____________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Precious self, release the burden you\u2019ve carried so long. Today matters more than yesterday; who you are becoming matters more than who you once were.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

____________________________________________
Your name<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My friends, I am relieved and grateful my loved one is recovering well from surgery and my annual Soul Shift retreat<\/a> is happening as planned on October 27. The group converging on the NC mountain top is the smallest one to date. In the past, I would have wondered if I had failed at promoting the event well. Now, I trust that things are exactly as they should be for this moment in time. Those attending have indicated a common need to restore their nervous systems so they can better support their families and effectively manage life\u2019s challenges. Broken nervous systems do not heal a broken world, therefore, we will be focusing creating harmony within, so the ripples we make can positively impact our collective future. If you feel a pull to be part of this small, intimate group gathering on Oct 27, please know there is room for you. You can register here<\/a> or reach out to me personally if you have questions.

<\/em>A UNIQUE INVITATION\u2026.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The challenges of parenting a teen in today\u2019s world can feel overwhelming, yet finding reliable guidance in this area is just as difficult. For this reason, I am honored to participate in the \u201cParenting Teens in Uncertain Times Virtual Summit<\/a>\u201d that begins November 1.  Michael Danzansky, a dedicated parent and mindfulness expert, has assembled a dream team of more than 30 world-class speakers and teachers who are eager to share the three KEY things they believe all parents need to know as they support teens in today\u2019s complex world. This summit is carefully curated to ensure you receive the most up-to-date and practical advice, all from the comfort of your home at times that are convenient for you to tune in. Best of all? It's FREE! Please register now<\/a> so you don\u2019t miss out<\/strong> on this rare and valuable opportunity.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n

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