It was my children’s first day back to school after a holiday break. The school bus was due to pull up to the corner in four minutes. My daughters were doing their last minute gathering of shoes, water bottles, lunches, and backpacks.
“Don’t forget it’s Tuesday,” I called to my eight-year-old daughter as she headed for the boots lying next to the door. “Tennis shoes for P.E.,” I added.
My child stopped dead in her tracks. She turned to face me, gripping her right arm with her left. “Mama, my arm hurts today. Could you write me a note that says my arm is sore?”
You want me to write a note now? You should have thought of it sooner.
Sore arm? Let me guess—too much Wii? I am not writing a note for that.
You will be fine. Come on, we need to go. The bus is coming.
I thought those responses. I thought them all.
But I didn’t say them.
Because as I was thinking about all things I wanted to say, I gave myself a three-second preview of what those responses would do for the situation. From past experiences, I could envision how this situation would play out if I chose sarcasm, hostility, and annoyance over empathy, responsiveness, and respect.
Choosing hostility in a moment of conflict had once resulted in smashing my husband’s coffee pot in the kitchen sink.
And then came regret.
Choosing malice in a moment of conflict had once caused me to squeal my tires in a gravel parking lot.
And then came regret.
Outrage was the reason I lost all control one day when I was unable to locate my car in a sea of vehicles.
And then came regret.
Despite the years that have passed since those incidents, I can still see my children’s faces, staring at me in horror wondering what had become of me in those moments.
Overreaction is what had become of me. It became my middle name. And regret was right there beside it. Regret follows on the heels of overreaction every single time.
I detested myself in those moments. I wanted to run away and hide. But most of all, I didn’t want to be that volatile person anymore. Regret can be a powerful motivator.
How did I begin to choose calm over crazed … reasonable over senseless … composed over fuming? One of my strategies was making a conscious effort to spot the “flowers” instead of the “weeds” in situations and in people. Another tactic was adopting a mantra to silence my inner bully. Whenever a critical thought came to mind, I silenced it with the phrase, “Only Love Today.” Another tactic was to envision my angry words like a car crash, inflicting damage to the person on the receiving end. This led to giving myself a 3-second preview of how a situation would play out if I chose controlling hostility over peaceful compassion.
So there I was, standing in the kitchen on a recent morning, facing one of those fragile situations. I knew my response could either make or break the situation. And something told me that dismissing my daughter’s pain would cause things to quickly deteriorate.
So I took a three-second preview before opening my mouth.
And that’s where the real beauty happened.
While taking that pause, I noticed there were real tears welling in my daughter’s eyes … real tears she didn’t want to fall … real tears she was actually pushing back with her fingers.
That 3-second pause was just long enough for me to realize this sadness, this pain, this worry of my child’s was real. And a note to the P.E. teacher was very important to her.
Grabbing a notepad out of the junk drawer, I scribbled a quick note to the P.E. teacher and handed it to my child.
I never knew I had the power to hand someone a little bit of peace … a tiny corner of comfort … a permission slip to regain composure … but now I do. My compassionate reaction to my child’s situation held the power to save a morning, to save a heart from worry.
“Thank you, Mama,” she said quietly. I actually saw the color coming back to her face.
I thought of my child’s sore arm throughout the day. I knew our conversation could have easily gone another way. And although I don’t always make the right choice with my words, I knew I had that time. Regret was not my companion that day.
“How did P.E. go?” I asked my daughter when she got home from school.
“Well, when I got to P.E., I saw they were doing something I could do, even with a sore arm. So I tucked the note in my pocket and played,” she told me.
There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have given my child that note. My response to her 6:55 a.m. request would have been underlined with control, exasperation, anger, and insensitivity. We probably wouldn’t have made it to the bus, and, most likely, we would have parted on bad terms. She probably wouldn’t have had the opportunity to make her own good choice in P.E. that day. There would have been no winners in that battle.
By the grace of God, things are different now. I now know every challenging situation does not have to be a contest to be right … to “win” … to have things go the way I want them to go. The goal of each situation is to speak in a way I can be heard … to listen in a way that the other person can be heard … and to walk away feeling at peace with the way the situation was handled.
Today I choose to use the power of the pause—that split-second crack of light that allows compassion, curiosity, and love to enter the room.
If you think you’d like to try, you can begin right here, right now, with the intention that changed my world:
“Today I will choose love. If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next. I will choose love until it becomes my first response… my gut instinct… my natural reaction. I will choose love until it becomes who I am.”
Let love start this day.
Let love end this day.
Let love transform the minutes in between.
–Rachel Macy Stafford, from the book ONLY LOVE TODAY
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“The feeling of joy is a daily part of my life now, and I believe it started with Soul Shift and the subsequent growth that it has brought. My patience and presence with my children have increased; my relationship with my wife is deeper and more connected for the first time in years; I have new friends and a support system through the Soul Shift community group. To say Rachel’s work has changed my life is an understatement. It has had a ripple effect. I am so grounded and so secure in my place in this world now that I want to help others feel that way too. We all have different paths in how we can get there, but we can get there. I was beginning to doubt if I would ever get there before Soul Shift.” –B.F.
“Thank you, Rachel Macy Stafford, for teaching me to be present, for helping me understand the importance of self worth, for encouraging me to banish perfection, and for reminding me to kick that inner bully to the curb. I need these lessons, and I hope to share this wisdom with my daughters too.”–C.C
“Rachel Macy Stafford, you give us hope. Thank you for sharing your story. Seeing you now it's hard to believe you came from a place of self-criticism and harsh criticism of your loved ones. Knowing you came out of that gives me hope that I can too.”-L.S.
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I always love reading your posts! You inspire and motivate me in knowing that I *can* change the model imprinted on me, and make a better life for me and my family. i want to choose patience and love and kind words. You always seem to help! Thank you!!!
Thank you so much, Kara! The night before I publish a not-so-flattering story about myself, I don’t sleep very well. This comment single-handedly brought assurance, affirmation, and comfort to me this morning. Thank you for stepping into the light of realness beside me and letting me know you are here.
You receive no judgement here. I don’t read blogs where people aren’t real and make things seem so pulled together. I tell myself it’s not real, but deep down, I worry that my struggles are unique. To see others have the courage to share and be real helps me and others do the same. And that, in the end, is really where the growth begins to take place. So thank you for putting up for those restless nights. Your honesty is giving people what they need to hear and be reminded of and you offer solutions that work. You remind us that there is hope!
I really, really appreciate this, Shelly. Maybe the next night-before-a-tough-post won’t be quite so restless thanks to you & all these supportive comments!
Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate the concrete examples of what you wanted to say, but what you did instead. I find so many parenting articles say things like “don’t yell,” but they don’t give any concrete examples of what TO do. I need those in my back pocket so in the moment I’m not thinking that I don’t know what to do instead.
I’ve been following you for a while and I read one of your blog about not yelling and seeing the fear in your daughter’s eyes when she made a mistake… tonight I saw that fear in my own 3 year old and I came back to your messages of encouragement and change… I haven’t stopped crying as I listen to her fight sleep and worry about my week ahead. But they have morphed to tears of hope for a better me and happier tomorrow… rather than the painful tears of regret I began with. Thank you for being so raw and honest that you inspire and uplift.
Nice!
Shared
Rachel I just love love love everything your write. Each word means the world. I generally always share your blogs and the feedback from my friends are tremendous. I love this 3 second pause and I also try to use it as often as possible. I teach yoga and one of the elements we teach other then the poses is to look for a pause. We teach them to pause between the stimulus and the response, which most of us are not accustomed to doing, but when we do we place our self just in that moment which give us clarity on how we may be responding and above all the choice to how we will respond. I commented on your post from today of a similar situation I had with my daughter this morning and I blessed I feel that I found that pause, response below. Thank you again for being the voice and bringing the light to so many.
Valerie
This really struck a cord, as I just came down from making my youngest bed. It seems to be a constant battle (or at least once I looked at it like that) But as she was frantically looking for her jacket I spotted the bed had not been made, my first reaction was to make a comment on how she didn’t make her bed again, but I paused ( thank you God for the pause I see now so often) In that pause gave me a glimpse of what you just wrote. I got to find her tiny little sock that fell off her foot last night, her sticky note that reads (be extraordinary) I got the privilege of making her bed, of feeling the warmth and I left the room in gratitude rather then rage, such a beautiful choice to have on how we look at every situation!!
Thank you so much, Valerie, for this comment on the blog as well as the post from the FB page this morning about making the bed. I was very touched by what you wrote. I don’t know how many months I thought about that warm spot in Avery’s bed each morning and then finally I thought maybe it was a thought worth sharing. You made me so glad I did.
God is good and strategically placed this article in my path today…a day when I lost it on too many loved ones. God’s mercies are new every morning…every second, so tomorrow I WILL take 3 BLESSED SECONDS before i respond. I wrote some encouraging words from your blog on a pretty cardstock to post. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey.
This really spoke to me today. Our mornings are so stressful most days, and I often feel such strong regret for the way I rush my girls through the morning. And on the off chance I remember to take that 3 second pause, our days – our lives – are so much the better for it.
Thank you for this very poignant reminder of what is important.
Thank you, Barbara. I appreciate hearing your experience with regret and the 3-second pause. I love sharing this journey with you.
Thank you for this post–amazing and so helpful to me. I will start my very own list of hopeful reminders!
Yay! I am so happy to hear this, Bernadette. If you are like me, it will really help you focus more on the many compassionate responses you offer, but seldom recognize. Thank you for taking the time to comment and inspire others to make their own “I am my (positive) response” list!
I got really mad about a lost shoe yesterday, I yelled and scared my ten year old twin boys. I went to another room. The seething stopped and the regret started. I wept, the football game no longer mattered. I felt horribly small. My sons, always bigger than me, found me and apologized… I didn’t deserve their tenderness.
Thanks for this, I’ll try to put the regret aside today, thanks to you.
I always love to see a comment from you, friend. You know what I thought when I read your open and honest experience? I thought, “Well, I know where his boys learned that compassionate response to their dad’s time of need.” Whenever I read your blog and glean wisdom from your insights, I think how blessed your boys are to live with you and learn from you. Join me in celebrating the creative, clever, AND compassionate boys you have raised today.
Thank you! Your blog (and book) have helped and supported me more than you’ll ever know. I’m subscribed and follow a number of blogs but yours is the one I look forward to the most. Your words are like magic, they stick in my brain and bubble up in my heart when I need them the most. My children have noticed the change in me which is a powerful motivator to keep trying, even on the hard days. Thank you for your words, your honesty and humanity. You are truely an angel. Much love! Tonya
With the number of incredible blogs there are to read, this is such an affirming compliment to me. Thank you for letting me know you look forward to reading my words and how they have impacted you and your family! There is truly no greater gift to my writer’s heart. Grateful for your companionship on this journey, Tonya!
My 8 month old doesn’t sleep well,my 3 year old finally does bar the odd wake up,my partner never gets up to the baby hence every day before it’s even started I’m tired,if my little girl wakes him up I get annoyed at her but it’s not her fault she’s woken him up do why do I get annoyed at her?
You get annoyed because you are exhausted! But you are right to recognize that you should not take out your frustrations on your daughter. My kids are 3 and 6 now and one of my biggest regrets is expecting my daughter to ‘grow up’ so much when my son was born. I was overwhelmed and exhausted and I would get so frustrated when I felt she wasn’t being a ‘big helper’. I still struggle with this, but now I close my eyes from time to time to listen to her sweet tiny voice. It helps me to remember how small she still is and that helps me regain my patience.
Hang in there! The days are long but the years are short!
Thank you so much for this!! I have a 5 year old and since my 18month old twins arrived I have expected her to be so grown up and the “big girl” when really she is still so small. I need to breathe her in and not be so angry at her for silly things that REALLY don’t matter…or because she is doing something that is completely normal for a 5 year old. Your post has made me stop and think about my responses and how there are SO many I can change. I need to take those 3 seconds instead of feeling the regret THANKS x
I am a mom of 8 (oldest is 28, youngest is 11) so most people would say I have quite a bit of experience. One thing that I’ve tried to do is remind myself not to get angry at a child for acting their age. It’s so hard to remember sometimes. I had to teach each of my children, too, to learn patience with their younger siblings. As adults too, we all have our quirks and the same principle can be used – that is, don’t be angry at someone (especially family and extended family members!) for acting like who they are. Embrace the parts of them that are good, and accept that you can’t change the other things.
This really hit home to me too. I have 3 & 5 1/2 year old daughters. I definitely have expected too much from my older child and try so hard to keep that in mind. It is somehow more evident when I see her kindergarten class and they all look so young and sweet. They really ARE little. I want to take a step back and be sure my girls know daily how much it means to me to be their mommy.
It is hard when you’re tired. Perhaps there are tiny moments throughout the day when your baby does sleep, that you and your three-year old could also rest together while reading some stories. Even lying down for a just a few moments periodically throughout the day can really help a weary mommy-body. And the rest periods and reading with mommy can be oh, so good for your toddler, too. Best wishes.
As a (fairly) recently divorced mom of four (ages 7-13), I cannot tell you how much your essays mean to me. There are so many days when reading the encouragement you offer opens a window and lets light into my life. Being merciless with myself comes naturally to me. Your writing helps me remember that little victories matter. Thank you so much. P.S. I am wearing my “only love today” bracelet every day. One of my daughters asked about it and I was happy to talk with her about the bracelet being a reminder for me to be present and loving with them and to be kind to myself. <3
Allie, I loved reading your comment. I’m glad this support is here for you and your children, here and now, right when you need it. Hang in there!
Rachel,
This is probably (for me) the most powerful article you’ve written. Compassion screams but ever so gently. I love the way you see life. If we all reject regret, this world would be so much kinder. But, one at a time. I’ve face regret after negative responses more times than I care to remember, but as you so eloquently remind us, “Only love today.” The past is just that…the past. Thank you and God bless you. 🙂
I am so blessed this morning by your words! Thank you so much for giving me the tool to deal each and every moment of my day with my sweet husband who has Alzheimer’s. Those three seconds will make all the difference!!!
Oh, you deserve blessings! May you always be strengthened and given hope throughout his and your journey together. Thank you for being kind and patient with him, and I hope with your self, too. Caregivers need care, too!
Thank You for writing this and sharing it. All too often I explode and the 2 most precious souls in the world (my 6 year old daughter and my husband) witness it. I Then hate myself and I am constantly trying to stop so thank you for this reminder and for giving me permission to sit on my bedroom floor in silence for 5 minutes and think.
This brought tears… Lots of them. I remember many years ago, not long after my husband of 12 years walked out and into the arms of his boss, trying to find a missing item in an over stuffed toy box . I don’t remember now what I was looking for. The room was a mess, the kids weren’t ready, I was late.. And I began pouring my grief, my angst, my loneliness and fear and betrayal into that box. I was crying and cussing and throwing things out of the box behind me… And was stopped by a whimper. I turned to see my 2 young daughters standing there quietly, eyes wide and terrified, the smallest rubbing her leg where the Barbie I flung had hit her. Regret. Shame. Horror. I dissolved. How could I act like that???!!!! I remember to this day how I felt.. And so do they, although they are in high school now. Regrets.Yes, I have so many from that time. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.
Joy, it’s so hard sometimes when we look back, isn’t it? It’s especially hard to remember how we struggled to keep it together, yet often fell apart, in the midst of our times of trauma. I’m sorry for your loss, and the pain it brought to you and your children. That must have been so hard. As a single mother, I once poured out (and pounded out) my grief, angst, loneliness, fear, helplessness, frustration, anger, and pain on a very old swamp cooler that my oldest son and had I wrestled off the side of the house and down to the ground, after I realized I couldn’t figure out how to fix it “just one more time.” The neighbors surely heard my screaming, crying and pounding, yes, but the hardest thing for me was when I finally looked up, exhausted, to see my very quiet, tenderhearted just-younger son watching me, worried, sad, concerned, but not daring to approach me. I feel sad for how I scared him. I feel sad for all my mothering mistakes. I’m finally trying to allow myself to feel sadness and compassion for the young, abandoned, single mother that I was back then, too. Though it’s been a struggle to forgive myself for ever hurting my children’s tender souls, I can see by the experience you related, and by all that Rachel and others write here, that life does bring each of us some pretty hard things to handle. I think we do need to forgive and accept forgiveness, as we learn to love, and as we try to help and encourage each other through the good and the bad times. I think we really need one another’s help, to make it through. I know I’m glad you’re all here, opening your hearts and sharing your learning, with me. Best wishes and hopes for you and yours.
wow. i’ve been wanting to comment on your posts for a while, but i’ve been more of a lurker. this post, especially, hit home. my list of regrets is like staring into a black hole. it’s like they never end. and i’m tired. just tired of it. reading your blog has given m many ‘aha!’ moments. i am ready to start taking steps. thank you for what you do.
Thank you… Your blog alone has helped me be a better mom, but more than that, a better person. Thank you so much. <3
Thank you! This has been on my mind lately. I set the tone in my family and taking that three second pause can change the atmosphere for my whole household. And really, what does it cost to pause for three seconds? Absolutely nothing.
I love reading your posts, makes me realise that we all make mistakes being a parent but it’s what we learn from them and how we move forward, thank you so much for your honesty. X
Wow, just wow!!! I connect with what you said like you are my twin!! I am such a violator of this. My schedule is always crazy, and between work, husband, kids, pets, house, etc., etc. I am often impatient. I am printing this out and keeping it at home AND at work. Thank you so much for the reminder, put so simply and effectively … we all have 3 seconds!!!
I am my response to my son’s ability in sports. I will try my best to only build his confidence and not point out his mistakes. He is better than I could have ever imagined to be, I will remind myself of this at every game and every event that he is participating in. I am a proud parent, I am blessed to have that boy wearing his school jersey, I will remind myself he is a gift from God and I am grateful.
Thank you for sharing this, Kari. There are many people who can relate. I used to be one of them. I adopted a 6 word phrase that was a life-changer for me and my daughters. If you haven’t read it, here is the link: The 6 Words You Should Say Today http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/
I wish I hadn’t screamed with fury at my kindergartener to hurry so he wouldn’t miss the bus, or grumbled about having to wake up his sister to drive him to school later. The whole drive to school. Was it really such a big deal? No. But that regret prompted me to create a poster for my noticer and worrier for future mornings. It included the digital time and a picture of what he should be doing at each stage of preparing for his day so that he would be on time. He hated being late as much as I did! He loved that I made that for him, and loved feeling in control of his own morning, knowing that if he was doing what it said at the right time, he could get on the bus on time.
I love this idea, Melissa! Thank you so much for sharing your idea. It’s going to make a difference to someone reading this today–in fact, it already has!
What a wonderful idea.
Your posts always start my mornings off with a positive, inspiring outlook on the day. I do believe we are too hard on ourselves sometimes and most of the time, just being there in a calm, supportive way is all our children really need. I, too, have a sensitive child who takes his time, doesn’t want to be rushed, worries, and has a heart bigger than I thought possible. I have learned to look at the positive in his personality and have been working on adjusting my personality to help him. My inner voice is sometimes irritated and wanting to scream, but if I take time to understand that it’s important to HIM, will provide HIM with peace, comfort and love and nurture HIS spirit, I know I have done my job for the day. Three three second pause is powerful and can put everyone’s day on the right path. Thank you a million times for continuing to remind and inspire me. I see the difference in me and my children already.
Thank you for this. I just got back home after an awful morning getting my kids to school. My own responses were shocking and disappointing. My heart was pounding reading each word of familiarity you wrote. Thank you for this affirmation and encouragement.
This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Your stories, experiences resonates so deeply within me. I’m struggling with everything you once struggled with and you’ve shown me there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m grateful for you, your honesty and your willingness to share to help others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I needed this so much. Thank you.
I live with regret over my past responses to my children practically everyday. Your post today is quite similar to one of my worst responses, one I replay in my mind over and over when I let myself go there. My son was 4 He was sick and I needed him to get ready to go to the doctor. He refused to put on his pants, saying over and over that his tummy hurt. I was so hung up on the the possibility of being late to the appointment, worried what others would think of me if I took him to the dr. with no pants on, and frustrated that he would not listen to me. I grabbed a pair of pants and put them on him quite forcefully while he was screaming that his tummy hurt. After his exam and some tests, The doctor discovered he had pneumonia in his lower lung which is what was causing so much pain. I so wish I would have taken that three second pause and showed compassion and empathy towards my sweet boy. I could have been his hero that day, instead of the monster that I was. That horrible memory is from 7 years ago. And while I have changed (thanks in part to your blog!!) I am still a work in progress and need to remember “I am my response” on a daily basis. Thank you for this post.
You truly spoke to me today, how do you do that? I needed this more than ever. My child decided to ask for help with his homework 5 min before I had to leave for work today instead of the multiple times he could of asked this wknd. I responded in such a condescending way pointing out all the negatives, likely making him feel worse about the situation. I thought “I should let him turn it in incomplete, maybe he will learn”. After many angry words I spent 30 min on my way to work on the phone talking him through it. You could tell how relieved he was. I then spent the rest of my drive crying and regretting all the angry words. I am the adult, I’m suppose to be teaching them, guiding them, helping them. Why do I let this anger and rage fill me up and take it out on the ones I love most.
I’m really going to rehearse my mantra and try harder to practice the 3 sec pause.
Thank u
Reading this article helped me realize what I have been feeling for weeks (months even) . . . regret! Thank you Rachel. Now that I see it I can deal with it effectively and work on forgiving myself while doing it differently from now on. I know my 7-yo son and husband will both appreciate a different response to the daily triggers 🙂
This post has so much wisdom and the growth you created for yourself is such a wonderful example for your family. Thank you for sharing this with us. The links are great too! Jess
Thank you for this. My son is almost 15, and this spoke to me as well. The frustrations of the teen years and my sometimes-short-tempered responses do cause regret, and the three-second pause will be a valuable response to both implement for my own behavior and to model for my son. I’ve recently started following you, and the words that you write have made me more aware of the words that I speak to those I love. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you, and being brave enough to forge the path.
Thank you for commenting, Kim. Your words are so encouraging and supportive to me. I am so glad you are here.
This is a beautiful reminder for those crazy mornings. Today, I overslept and let my alarm ring for 25 minutes before I woke up.
Immediately I went into crazy mode because I knew we would be late. My 9 year twins were still asleep with their alarms ringing as well. I woke my son up first….he is very calm and usually gets himself ready quickly in the morning I then braced myself as I entered my daughters room because I know this will not be easy and we will likely end up fighting. See….she is my strong willed….chatty in the morning….take her time getting ready…..never make it to breakfast on time….child. To top things off, I had to place a soft cast back on her wrist because the night before she had wet it in the bathtub and I had to let it dry overnight.
I started to get really agitated as I was trying to put it on and she was giving me bossy instructions on how to do it. At that moment I made a choice to breathe….pause….and wait for her to do it her way. I knew that it would be the only way to escape her room unscathed. We made it to school about 15 minutes late, kissed them and told them I loved them!!!!! As I read your post….I was reminded about how different this morning could have gone I was ready to explode at my daughter. She would have taken even longer to get ready, gone to school sad and I would have been miserable all day. Thank you for this wonderful blog….it reminds me constantly to remain calm even though my first reaction is to blow up.
I try my best to be calm. But just this morning my 5 yr old little girl was screaming her head off, at the top of her lungs, because she didn’t like the spoon I gave her. I felt overwhelmingly angry. I started shaking and my vision got blury because she wouldn’t stop screaming, and i was afraid the neighbors would hear her and call the cops on me or something. 🙁 Moments like those, what do you do? Please help. 🙂
i have a 4 5 year old and I can relate to your morning. I have learned from experience that when they are in the middle of a big BIG emotion they won’t listen to anything reasonable you say to persuade them. But getting angry will make it worse.
I find that giving them permission to have feelings helps them calm down sooner. After taking a deep breathe and pause to calm my own temper I say something like: It’s disappointing not to get the color you wanted. I bet you will remember next time.
After a few minutes of tears or whining she will hopefully collect herself and you can offer a hug or just help her move on by asking a question about something she is looking forward to that day. You know her, so you will know what to do next to diffuse the tension.
Also try not worry about the neighbors. That’s too much burden to worry about! If you think it’s truly an issue write them an apology note and move on.
Take care, momma. Be gracious with yourself first, and you will also be able to have grace for your kids. 🙂
Autumn,
Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers who have requested parent coaching. When you are that angry and cannot think, use the three seconds Rachel suggests to take three deliberate breaths to help calm your body down. Then try something different – play. No kidding.
You have a pattern of reacting to her screams with anger. Start reacting with play and it will change everything. Here’s one way it could look look:
She screams, you take 3 breaths, then use mime to do a very animated silent scream. Flail your arms, jump up and down, etc. This is NOT to make fun of your daughter, but rather to jostle yourself out of your anger and get you to crack a smile. Big actions, even silly ones, can meet your need for power so you won’t feel like you have to yell. Your daughter will probably be so surprised that she will stop and watch.
Next blame the spoon (this validates your daughter’s upset with the spoon). Take the spoon if she will allow you to, or try to touch it but treat it like hot lava. When you touch it, do your mime scream then take your hand away or put it down quickly. Touch it again, and mime scream again, pretending to be puzzled about what to do about a spoon that makes you scream.
Encourage your daughter to help you solve the hot lava spoon problem. When you are both laughing you can give her a hug and move into real problem solving about the spoon. When this spoon problem is solved, get her suggestions for the next time. Maybe she can get one herself, or lay out the one she wants the night before, or if this is about meeting her need for more connection in the morning, would it be OK with you to pretend to be her “spoon butler” in the mornings for a while? Sometimes a tiny bit of validating play like that is all that is needed to make the entire morning go smoothly.
If this style of play doesn’t work for you, feel free make up your own or choose something else to do after your three breaths. I recommend play whenever possible because it brings instant connection which calms you and the child down. But as Rachel says, so much is possible after a 3 second pause.
If you want to know more about Playful Parenting, read Dr. Lawrence Cohen’s classic:
http://tinyurl.com/playparent
For a better understanding of what works with children and 3 simple steps that create connection and cooperation, you can read my online book SAY WHAT YOU SEE free from a PC or MAC (not mobile) here:
http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book
or listen to my interview with Dr. Laura Markham here:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/radio-shows/say-what-you-see-an-easy-parenting-strategy-that-really-works
I hope this helps.
This is an excellent suggestion, Sandra. Humor has always works to diffuse the situation whenever I can let go of my stubbornness long enough to use it. This worked well when it was time for bed and my little one didn’t want to. I would make it into a game of who could get under the covers first and she would race right to the bed eager to get under the covers and giggle with me.
Wow, I never realized how valuable this is but my parents used to use this with me as a child. If we got hurt or something by accident messing around (say we were throwing the ball back and forth and got it or running in the house and fell on something), they would say something like “ball, why did you do that? You know it’s not nice to hurt other people” in a silly voice and it almost always made us laugh and forget about our pain or why we were upset. I haven’t used it with my kids before that I can remember so I’ll have to try this one with them.
I’m a terrible overreacter. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I’m fairly decent about apologizing afterwards and moving forward, but I haven’t managed to break the cycle yet.
I put that there to say I don’t have much in the way of answers, but I wanted to offer my fall-back “play” solution:
When I can’t think of anything else, I will hug and tickle the child who’s throwing a tantrum (I have 4). This would be the times when I’m NOT overreacting, of course. Once we have the laughs and snuggles going, we’ll discuss the problem or just let the situation resolve itself. Obviously, this can devolve into something more crazy and time-consuming, but it can work if your brain does an in-the-moment freeze. Doesn’t always work, of course, but there’s never a catch-all solution.
Good luck! It’s so hard, because I see my own tendency to overreact in my kids, now, and it kills me. But I know God is faithful, and I know He will bring us through this.
And this post helps so very much. Not only for suggestions and perspective, but for the sense of community. Knowing I’m not alone. We have so, so, SO much to do in this world today. We’re so busy. A tantrum can mean more than just a cranky child–it can be the difference between getting to work on time and getting a lecture from your boss. It can be the difference between catching the school bus and having to drive an extra 40 minutes each way to drop your kid off. It can be so very hard to keep your mind off the consequences and on the truly important issue–loving and teaching and guiding your child to make his or her way in this world.
Blessings and good luck to all of you!
Picturing all of that made me smile. I would have loved to have had a parent who would play like that. 🙂 Thank you for those images.
I am a mama of 4 and not a whole lot of support. I am weary and tired quite often and my reactions show it. As I was reading this tears streamed down my face. Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope!
Today I needed to see this post. Though I try everyday to be more hands free and present this morning was not my shining moment.
Today I was feeling the stress of being only adequate at work. My review is this week and I know on the scale of 1-5 I will be getting the 3, the average grade. And though I consciously made this decision for myself last year as I decided I can’t be everything for everybody it is tough to swallow. Day to day it is easy to swallow because instead of choosing work, I have chosen my family. I choose time with family and friends on the weekend, I take time off from work and DON’T answer late night or day off emails. But this is the week I have to see that on paper. I have to see that “average” grade in writing and the corresponding adequate raise, if any. For someone who has been an over achiever this is tough to swallow.
This morning I wasn’t nice to my daughter as I was trying to leave the house and she was asking for her hairbrush and Mom, Mom……she wanted one more hug and probably needed it as she is going to her Dad’s house tonight. She’s not my morning child. She is my slow, smell the flowers, dreamer child who loves my presence and will yell mom with nothing but “can you sit in my room while I get dressed”
She wants time….with me…the person who repeatedly reminds her I’m going to be late for the train or that she should get up earlier or stop being so whiny in the morning. I’ve been better but not this morning. I let my my own feelings of inadequacy at work surface and I took them out on an 11 year old. SHAME ON ME! But….different from before I texted her from the train and apologized.
Change is slow but it’s coming and I’ve decided that Friday I will hold m head high in that review when I receive my average grade because I’ve been improving at home and that’s where it counts!
Hi Tara, I want to take a moment and celebrate the choice that you have made to make your family a priority! As a fellow over-achiever, I can understand the magnitude of this choice. Deciding to shut it down each day when there is still work that could be done is NOT EASY. I want you to know that I hear from people everyday who regret their choice to spend so much time at work and doing work. These are people in their 70s and 80s who wish they had spent more time investing in FAMILY. I love it that you are holding your head high because you are improving at home where it counts. MANY HEARTS will be inspired by you today when they read this! I cannot thank you enough for sharing. Celebrating YOU today!!!
May I post this on Companies That Care’s page? It’s so important for employers to see work life balance as a legitimate choice and validate it. Thanks
Hi Marci, thank you for your support in sharing this message! You may post a small portion of the piece and direct readers to the rest of the piece with a link to my blog or just provide the link itself. This helps me protect my work and for that, I am grateful.
I have an ocean of regretful responses that I myself could never post for the world to read about. BUT, with that being said, I commend your bravery to bring a light to those of us who struggle, struggle and struggle some more. The pain that can be averted by taking a 3 second pause is immense! I did that with my own daughter this morning. The anger welled as she refused to get up and get to school. Pause, reflect and empathize. I was able to see the problem and then work with her to solve it. Versus react to what I see and feel and perceive. Thank you for your frank honesty and beautifully written experiences. They are wrought with inspiration and challenge me to change my reflection and reactions.
Thank you for this. My responses not only represent who I want to be, and how I want to be remembered, but also serve as examples for my daughter. The best way to teach her kindness and grace is to show it to her.
Thank you for your daily reminders to choose love and compassion. As I read your book, which stays on my bedside table as a gentle reminder, I thought about how I feel like my path is the reverse from yours. As a mom of one child, compassion was natural, there was no yelling, no regrets. Now, as a mother of two, my youngest has really only seen the mom who is stretched too thin, exhausted, and without patience. Every day is a chance to try again and I know that thanks to your words!
Thank you so much for the honesty in all your posts. This one is so me. I overreact to everything and in such a negative way. I’ve had so many of those embarrassing moments you talk about, and I see the hurt in my children and husband’s eyes when I throw out those nasty comments. I will be making a conscious effort to take that pause and deep breath so that I can react with love and patience instead of exasperation and nasty words. Thank you!
This has been me, too. On one hand, I now say my more high-strung child “is doing better lately,” but I know it’s really me who is doing better. When things escalate to screaming and hitting, it’s usually because I responded to her frustration with anger rather than compassion. I’ve been staying calmer, responding with compassion, and our whole interaction is better.
Beautiful story and experience! Before having a child, I feel like I was more together and collected. Now my son is 4, andI have regretful memories and strive everyday to act as a role-model for him. It’s tough at times when stress and emotions take over. i truly think this wait time will help me with assessing the situation. The hardest thing right now is dealing with setting limits and sticking to them. It’s always, “just one more” whether it be candy, a show, or reading another book (this one I always give in to). Thanks for the inspirational words. No one is perfect, it’s what we do with those regretful experiences that counts. To realize the need for a positive and peaceful life is a wonderful thing. Every person should be working on this to enable our world to grow and develop.
Dear HFM,
Greetings from Malaysia and THANK YOU for sharing your experience. I found the I Am My Response section really meaningful and helpful in learning how to respond with more grace, compassion and love -be it at home with my wife and baby boy or at work with my staff (yes, even those chronically absent for one reason or another). May God continue to channel his grace to many many more through your life and writings.
*note: Is an “I” supposed to be in the last line: “But if I strive to communicate with hints of kindness”… Just thought you might want to add it in 😉
Thank you, Roger! I love to know which sections resonate with people and I love to know you are reading all the way from Malaysia! Thanks for reading so carefully and catching that missing “I”! You are very kind in how you pointed it out, as well!
Wow…….Are you sure we aren’t the same person?!! Every post I read is like looking in a mirror. I’m a divorced mother of a 12 yr. old boy. He’s extremely sensitive and takes his time doing everything. I am the direct opposite! I have regrets a mile long. He notices every detail in all we do together. I know there are times I can slow down and say “take your time”……and then there are days I can not take a slow mover…..I can pop off with a response quicker than he can blink and then i see that look….yep…that hurt look. I needed to find your blog and I sigh everytime I read it because I know I am not alone. Thank you for the kind, nice,sweet slap in the face I needed.
This sooooooo resonated with me. Sadly I see the same pattern in my young children. I am an recovering over-reactor. My mantra is “walk away, scream into a pillow” your article has inspired me to be more conscious and take the 3 seconds.
Thank you, I needed that today. Yesterday was a day of very bad over reactions to my spouse. I have often wondered what our little boy thinks when I get this way. His reaction yesterday was only love and concern. “Mommy are you sad”? Will it turn to fear and anxiety? I hope not. Here is to a 2015 of more peace.
Thank you thank you as always for your brave vulnerability. In your honesty, I can choose forgiveness for myself because it shows I am not alone. I too have a long list of regret and over reactions…. Scared child, broken toys, slammed doors, screamed hurtful words, rough hands…. The list goes on. And those moments of my past ( and still sometimes present ) when resurfaced can keep me up at night, the regret making my heart race. But you are so right.. It can also be one of THE biggest motivators to slow down and try harder the next time. These moments of imperfection can make one feel so alone, like the worst mother on the planet, unable to breathe… And your honest portrayal and personal confessions serve to bring that breath back to mothers like me… Thank you so much. Your writings are so touching and help me EVERY SINGLE time I read them.
Beautifully written. I struggle every day with anger, impatience, and overreacting. I pray all the time to get better. I cry often when I see my children model this ugly behavior of mine. I am determined to change — I will break this. Thank you for showing me that I do not struggle alone. Blessings to you and to your fmaily.
I am making a promise to myself to read this every morning for the next week..or more. I am grateful that you shared your moments of “Regret”. The honest truth helps me to see that your bad days have been like my bad days. That means that there is hope for me to “Love Only Today” even if I only managed to do it 3 out of 7 days last week. Thank you for sharing your tough moments. Knowing that moms can work in unison to become better serves such a higher purpose than trying to out shine, out pinterest, out dress, out whatever each other. Thank you for being in my corner when I needed you!
Love this. Building in a ‘pause’ means all the difference between responding and reacting- or in most cases OVERreacting!
Mindful parenting at its best!
Ps do you have a printable version/ graphic of the ‘I Am My Reponses?’
Thank you, Christen. I appreciate the kind & supportive feedback. I am pretty sure you can cut and paste the words from the blog post into a word doc to use for your own personal posting. If not, email me and I will provide the word doc for you. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com
This is so, so very good. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for this!I am the person you were and it pains me greatly. At times I feel my world may just explode! The kids play up I am that person I see the hurt in their eyes ….my husband has a bad day at a job he finds so stressful he can hardly catch his breath and my sympathy lacks what he deserves ..compassion! I lack so much of what I need and too much of what I don’t. I pray every day for more grace,patience,love,compassion and I know it won’t come unless I put the will into it myself!!thank you thank you for sharing your human failings and overcoming they mean so much to myself as I raise our two little ones!x
Rebekah, your work with your little ones and your husband is so important. I believe if you make just one tiny little change at a time, you can do it! Best wishes and love to you and your little family.
lOVE IT kARA UNTIL THE TEARS! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
R,
Really love your words and your kindness to share them with us. it really fits to any one…
Te other R (from Portugal)
For too many years I was that precision parent, aiming for the narrow window of perfection. It took a series of seismic life events to pry my eyes open. Great article!
Rachel,
I relate so much with everything you write! Thank you for sharing such personal things about yourself. I thought I was the only one that did these things. I am slowly getting better but I have a long way to
… to go. You have helped me so much. Sadly I didn’t start changing my ways until three of my five children were adults.
This article is extremely helpful as I seem to live with regret constantly. I have a really hard time forgiving myself for past mistakes. You truly inspire me to love more and to be a better person.
For some reason it is so much easier to be more patient with grandchildren.
Thank you so much,
Jackie
Rachel!
I have a long way to go, but about a year ago I did institute ‘meaningful hellos and goodbyes’ in our house. I stop to give a real hug in the morning when the kids wake up, I try to make extra-sure to really look them in the eyes before they leave in the morning, I try to truly look at my husband when we meet at the end of the day. My kids are especially attuned to this now and they will remind me when any of us forget! That actually might be my favorite moment — when my son says, “Mom! Wait! Meaningful goodbye!”
Every example you’ve written here resonates – children, spouse, anxious parent, waitress, irate driver. Thank you.
Thank you so much!
This gives such great perspective. You are truly blessing the lives of others!
Keep it up 🙂
Ugh, yesterday the kids “helped” me cook, and I was frustrated and said something along the lines of “next time I’ll do it myself” and my 6 year old burst into tears. Felt awful. It was the weekend–we had plenty of time and no reason to rush.
Perfect timing, this has come into my life, for just this very morning I felt the angst and rage that so many parents regret.
Months of frustration over my 11 year old daughters desire to only wear a certain brand of shoes. For Christmas my husband and I bit the bullet and against our beliefs purchased those shoes she desperately wanted. This morning they are ruined, all because she wanted to wear them to a pitching clinic and drug the sole right off the shoe. They are damaged beyond repair- I could feel the heat within getting hotter as she looked at me. We just stared at one another–
I took the day off from work, was excited to walk them to school.. but got half way down the street and just couldn’t go any further. I had snapped at my youngest, I had snapped at the dog (who was only excited to get an extra walk) And I could feel that I was holding back my persistent desire to throw a temper tantrum right there in the middle of the road. Did she not know what it took to buy those shoes? Did she not realized all the drama I had gone through to get them, UPS losing the package, running to 3 different stores to get them, the financial stress of her stubbornness? Of coarse not..
I had them walk ahead while I watched them hit school ground, I turned and quickly walked it off..
Yet, I found myself being just as equally angry at my husband, he was there with her during this clinic watching her drag her new shoes along the ground. GRRR!! I held him just as responsible, yet he wasn’t.
I came to a solution that she will work for a new pair- regardless of her stubbornness. And I came to a realization that moms are WAY better at paying attention to details.. That hindsight is 20/20
And I’m still feeling guilty that I sent her to school knowing I was mad at her. Though I never yelled and I know I’m over it.. I am now fearing that she will more than likely carry it with her all day. sigh
Amber, I see what could have been a very volatile situation was not because of the choices you made. What you describe here about the shoes would be very upsetting to anyone. You handled it with restraint and made choices that put space and perspective into the situation. You came up with a logical consequence and gathered some helpful insights for future issues that arise. I think your daughter might have gone to school knowing you were disappointed in her treatment of the shoes, and rightly so. I can remember feeling my parents’ disappointment when I had not taken care of something of value. You can bet I made a different choice next time. You did well today, Amber. You truly truly did. Thank you for sharing so we can all feel a little more prepared when this happens to us (because it will!)
Just beautiful. I only discovered your words this week and the impact on my choices with my 5 fantastic children is already apparent. Thank you!
Love this one, thank you for sharing! You continue to be a huge support and reminder of my efforts to be more aware of my overreacting ways and choosing a different route more often. School mornings with my two young boys often provide the biggest opportunity for me to work on this very thing! I don’t want my overreactions to be what they remember most about me. Trying everyday to add more pauses, choosing different reactions, and apologies/admitting when I don’t get it right. It is both comforting and empowering to know that you have had similar experiences and can offer just the right words to encourage a better path. This morning I remembered to give myself a little pep talk and set my intentions for the morning before I even got my sleepy self out of bed. This helped me to notice when I was about to overreact or yell and think about what is more important before I opened my mouth to unnecessarily shout a command/request… even if it was for the third time! Or five thousandth time as I often say. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post Rachel. This morning I remembered to hold my little girl before the usual rush around. And when she wanted to wear her pants that have a small hole in them (that I had forgotten to throw away), I just let it be. Your posts and reminders help with this stuff every day!
p.s. would you ever consider making an Only Love sterling silver ring? I have a hard time keeping a bracelet on all day.
Wow…thank you for this today. I have had those same moments when it feels like the only thing holding me together was my skin…to be honest, I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I look back at the day and reflect on all the ways I could have handled this or that better and hate the fact that I just blew up…and for what, the little inconvenience that is my children and their needs…I have actually been talking to a councelor because I feel like there is more going on…but reading this today has given me ALOT to think about and work on. Thank you! Blessings!
Thank you so much for this and your blog. I am truly inspired by how you share your vulnerable traits with so much grace. I tripped across your blog a few years ago and thought to myself “I wish my mom read this when I was young” and realized that even though I don’t have kids I was tearing out the heart of my husband (seriously the sweetest man in the whole world) and that I needed to read this too. Especially because someday I will have kids, and I know I will regret not getting a hold of my behavior when I had the chance to end the collateral damage. So thank you for helping me, I am learning from you one post at a time how to be the kind of mom I want to be!
I enjoyed your post today and wish I had those words of wisdom fifty years ago when my first, of four children, was born. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I also remember times of regret during those past fifty years. Maybe, had I read your words of wisdom, my regret would be less. I’m seventy four now and will practice what I’ve learned today for the remainder of my time here on this earth. It is good to be reminded. Thank you so much.
I love your posts because i am always put in those same situations. Those posts make me stop and think how I want a situation to end. Most of the time I overreact and then feel so guilty and angry for not being able to control myself. But lately I’ve been trying to think about the 3 sec rule. It really turns a situation upside down and makes u feel happy.
I really want to thank u for your posts, it makes me feel that I am not alone and that I am not a bad mother.
This was so encouraging to read today and is exactly what I have been working on personally. I appreciated your honesty and vulnerability as it makes your positive outcomes more realistic as opposed to getting preached at by someone who has never experienced the struggle to keep your cool. It is certainly satisfying in those moments when I realize I have given my child something so important that they needed in that moment and it is most certainly painful when I freak out and have to pick up the pieces later and try to reconnect. In a busy household with a baby, a teenager, and adult with a developmental disability with atrocious behaviours and 2 very badly behaved dogs, there are many opportunities to lose my cool but feels so much better when I respond with patience and compassion.
Thank you for this wonderful idea of a 3 second pause! As a mother of an eleven year of boy, this is something that will come in handy. As I read your post, I replayed the scene of my son spilling my coffee just as we had gotten into the building for work. I told him that I had a lot to do that morning and cleaning up coffee was not on my list. He quietly responded that I should go work and that he would clean it up. That broke my heart to hear him respond quietly, knowing I had hurt his feelings. Although I try to be present and slow down, it never works perfectly. Reading your blogs is a fantastic reminder, which often leaves me in tears wanting to be better for my son and husband. Thank you for taking the risk of posting unflattering stories from your own life that let us all improve ours! (I often forward your blog posts to others who I know are struggling with issues you write about. They are loved by everyone I’ve shared them with.) Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jessica. It is so comforting to know we all struggle in our own ways and look for ways to do better. Thank you so much for sharing my posts with others. There is really no greater gift to my writer’s heart!
Although I have followed you on Facebook for a long time this is the first time that I’ve actually read your blog. I think God was directing me here today as I have been having struggle after struggle in the morning to get my children off to school on time with happy hearts and happy minds! I lost my mom in September at age 56 and since then have lost a lot of my patience and composure! At times it feels so hard to put on a happy face but yet I know she’s in a better place and I will be in a better place to if I just take those extra 10 seconds to make the day go better for me and my kids and I greatly appreciate reading your blog that shows me that I’m not the only one who struggles and makes it easier when I know there’s others who aren’t perfect! Thank you so much for your inspiration and I look forward to reading more of your blog!
gabby, 36. Mother of four (13,11,7,and 3)
Thank you for sharing your story, Gabby. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. It is understandable that as you mourn her death and try to work through the pain that your patience is thinner and your emotions are close to the surface. I am glad you are discovering what works in the morning and I hope that you continue to offer yourself grace during this trying time in your life. Thank you for supporting the FB page and clicking the link to come to my blog today. Grateful that you shared your heart too.
Rachel, as many have said, I always look forward to reading your posts. The honesty, vulnerability, and hope is so refreshing to mothers and wives, both young and old. I regret that too many times, I didn’t see the potential tears and didn’t write the note. We’d like to think that our overreactions aren’t the real us, but your statements (and the Holy Spirit) reminded us that how we act in tough situations really does show who we are. Although I am now a grandmother, with the blessing of a different perspective than my daughter when handling her strong-willed son, I am still provided with plenty of opportunities to stop and think before I react. Thanks for the reminder!
I really appreciate your kind words and the wisdom you offer us all in this lovely comment, Cheryl. Thank you for being here.
I overreacted and regretted yesterday and today.
The silver lining is that the regret made me think it all through: by overreacting to my daughter, I am making her responsible for my faults. That is an unfair burden to her. I will try the 3-second preview.
Thank you for that insight.
I truly felt this article was meant for me today! I’ve recently realize how much my critical and loud voice parenting has had a negative impact on my children. Thank GOD for my 7 yr who was able to bring it to my attention and how much it hurts him. I feel awful as I slipped back into that negative response reaction this morning but then I came across your article and it is so comforting that I’m not the only one and that there is support to change for the better. I think I want to wear 2 Only Love Today bracelets until I have eradicated my poor excuse for parenting. Thank you so much for sharing!!
THANK YOU! I spent 10 years raising 3 little girls by myself. I lost my temper and said and did things that were shameful. I blamed the stress of single parenting. I remarried and still lost my temper and said and did things that were shameful. I blamed the stress of trying to blend a family. Born of so many different emotions and for so many different reasons, the reactions were sometimes just over the top. I have no one to blame but myself. I live with regret, but I know I am forgiven. Thank you for reminding all of us we are not alone in our humanity and that we can chose today to be different.
I like that: “I know that I’m forgiven.” That feels very peaceful.
I’m so thankful to hear/read this blog and your regret moments. I have a few that I’m not proud of so its nice to know that I’m not alone. A lot of people don’t talk much of these moments of overreacting so I’ve often felt maybe it was just me. I haven’t been reading the blog for long but everything I’ve read has been a great help! Thanks for being honest about your parenting before. It’s helped me in so many ways. More than you’ll ever know. =)
I’ve felt like that, too, Nicole, like it’s so hidden. I feel relieved, hearing and seeing it being talked about and helped, now.
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one working on this! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Thank you so much for your honesty and encouragement. I’m a child of a father whose first response to everything was to raise his voice and it terrified me. I was mortified the first time I heard myself doing the same thing with my children. To me, my biggest feelings of regret came as I checked on my sleeping children before I went to bed. My heart ached at the thought of how precious they are and how needless and spirit crushing my yelling was. I’d go to sleep praying for help to be a better mom the next day. Your blog has been such an encouragement to me and given me hope that I can overcome those years of yelling ingrained in me from my childhood and be the mom my kids need and deserve. Thank you! Today as I face another day with kids home from school, I will do my best to take those 3 seconds.
I am so grateful for your blog. I recognize my life in every post, and some, like this one, I practically could have written. Well, at least up to the part where you figured out a better way. I am inspired but very much a work in progress on that front. Thank you for making me believe change is possible.
Oh, thank you thank you. 😀
I’m a 19 year old college student with no children. I can’t even describe how much this has helped me. I’m so glad I got the chance to read this. You may not know this, but you have a wide ranged audience. Don’t stop what you’re doing.
Thank you for letting me know you are here, Renee! Once in awhile I receive emails from young men and women, and it means a tremendous amount to me. One young lady said the ways I encourage others to talk to their children were not spoken to her, so she is learning to speak to them herself from my blog. It was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received. I will not forget your words today, Renee.
In a fit of rage after my husband doing something and with the baby crying I slammed down the blender and broke a glass bowl. I took a pretty good chip out of the blender too, but luckily it still works. I was a stressed out new Mom and the words you shared were a life line to me. I read one of your post where you husband talked about how you used to be happy and you thought well I’m not happy anymore. I could see myself turning into that person. I am so thankful for you sharing your story. You prevented me from continuing on that path. Motherhood is now a gift and not a curse. I am happy to report I am growing (I still have blunders, of course), but my over reactions are less intense and I often remember to “only love.” I am so much happier than who I was a year ago. Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story.
Thank you for letting me know, Amanda. It brings me great joy to read about your progress and to know you are walking beside me on this journey. I know exactly the post you are talking about — it was a moment I will never forget when Scott said I was never happy anymore. It hurt to share that, but I am so glad I did. Thank you for affirming my choice to bear my scars so others can heal too.
Yes, Rachel, thank you for what you just said – that you bare your scars to help others heal. I have SO much shame to heal — from clear back when I was a tiny child, clear through to now. Thank you for being brave enough to tell us, “I’ve done that, too,” and for being hope-filled enough to say to us, “Hey, let’s try a different way!”
Like so many other commenters, I thank you for this post. If I read this even just a few years ago, I would have been guilty of all of those reactions and more. I was a human that I didn’t respect when I had those moments, hours, or even days. Yet, for the same reasons as many – overworked, overstressed, exhausted, lost, etc., I was incapable of turning it around when I was going down that “rabbit-hole”. And, the fear and sadness in my boys’ eyes were crushing.
So . . . I decided I had to change. I read books. I was fortunate enough to work less hours. I perused blogs like yours (and Momastery) and decided to go to a local church that accepts everyone. I learned to take deep breaths, be easier on myself, lower my “no one could ever come close to” high expectations, and just enjoy what I had. Every day I have to work so hard on my “responses” but it is worth everything.
Thank you for the words “I Am My Response”. I will write them next to the other quote of yours I have on our family chalkboard: “Today Matters More Than Yesterday”.
Peace,
Kate
Kate, thank you so much for sharing your own hopeful story, beautifully illustrating that change is possible. Thank you for sharing your HOW as well. That is so important. I love being mentioned in the same comment as Glennon’s blog. I love every word Glennon writes and have learned so much from her too. Thank you for letting me know “Today matters more than yesterday” resonates with you. My daughter made me a sign with those words that sits in my kitchen to remind me.
I love reading your blog! It makes me realize I’m not alone when I struggle with these things everyday. I love the 3 second pause idea…thank you!! I can’t even count the number of school mornings that have started with screaming and tears. Everyday is a new day! Everyday is a great day!
Great piece. I used to overreact to everything, especially with my oldest. I remember him spilling a drink and I went off. Same when I had my twins. Then, one day, one of the spilled a drink on accident and all three of them gasped, froze, and looked at me, waiting for me to explode. Since then, I’ve kept myself in check on almost everything. Not all battles are worth fighting (something I’m now trying to drill into my husband’s head because he still freaks out over spills and little things like that). And they’re definitely not worth the trauma it causes to the kids, never mind my regret. Oh, and now that I don’t flip out as often, they’re actually better behaved. Weird, eh? 😉
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us, it’s making a difference 🙂
Oh man, how this is me right now. Yelling, beating my head against the wall- literally – to keep from hitting my child. Don’t worry, my head is fine and the child untouched. I needed this today. Only love today. This needs to be tattooed on my wrist! Thank you
I have been following you for some time. You have changed my life and relationship with my children-4 1/2 year old twin boys and a 3 year old girl. It’s not easy to be calm and show the love when you have 3 strong willed, small children so close together in age-it’s mind blowing I have survived so long!
I often blow my top and get upset about such little things. I write this with a sore throat because I yelled at my three right before this because no one was listening to me. Regret is often my friend. I am working everyday on not yelling and loving more so I can rid myself of regret. I want my children to have memories of me as the person I really want to be and that I know that I am and yet still often fail to show because I am so wrapped up in all the little mistakes and messes. Distracted by things that don’t really matter. Your posts and blogs give me hope and reminders that I can still be that person despite mistakes I have already made in the past and the ones that are bound to happen in the future. I have faith I can be that better person and am able to give myself a break when I am not and to say that I am sorry when I need to. You have reminded me of all of this.
Everything you talk about happens in every family yet no one discusses it. We all need to discuss these things and know we can start over and do better. Parenting is hard, loving should be easy! Thank you for opening up your life to us all and giving us hope.
Tiffany, I like what you wrote, “I can still be that person.” That gave me a feeling of hope.
Rachel- Your writing is brilliant & powerful. I recently discovered your blog through a friends facebook post. I feel like we are living parralel lives. I really enjoy how you bring notice to common parenting experiences and realize that what may seem insignificant is truly important to our children (& therefor us as parents). Your writings have encouraged me to manage less and pause more often. 🙂
Oh, is this timely. We are currently packing our suitcases to return home after a four-week time away from the mission field. We are at my in-laws, which is in a different country other than my passport – or where I grew up. Tensions are always a bit more tense as we are packing and thinking about the LONG trip home – and I have found that I am way too quick to speak what is right on my mind instead of responding. Thanks for the practical reminder that 3 seconds is all it takes to take a deep breath and think about a different response than the one that is right on the tip of my tongue.
I wish I had read this before the rush to get the girls off to school today. We walk our dog to school on Mondays and Fridays and we were rushing to allow enough time to walk. My responses weren’t very good. I always forgive myself and do better next time. I will do better. Thank you Rachel. Good timing on this one…actually, good timing on EVERY one.
Just one positive I want to point out — you walk to school together and on Mondays and Fridays you take the dog. This is special. This is significant. This takes work and effort on your part. This is the kind of ritual that your children will remember someday. And perhaps if you get a little testy when trying to get out the door, you can use that walking time to reconnect, apologize, and look ahead rather than back. Thank you for sharing your story and for being here.
I don’t comment on blogs. I write blogs, but I never comment on blogs. I couldn’t pass up the chance to tell you how much I appreciate this blog post though.
I exploded at my twins yesterday in a way (much like many people have described) that made me not recognize myself. I was embarrassed, sad, upset with myself and spent much of the day reflecting on it.
My girls got over it. I have not.
I have spent hours talking to my wife about how my temper continues to flair up even though my rational mind knows that cooler heads always prevail.
Your post made me realize:
1.) I am not alone
2.) I can control this
3.) Today is not yesterday
Thank you so much for this post. I will work on taking a 3-second pause.
Hi Adam, thank you for sharing your story. I greatly appreciate knowing how my story impacted you today. I loved the 3 points you highlighted. You have affirmed my decision to post something that wasn’t easy to publish this morning. Reading this makes me so grateful that I did.
I am reading this with tears in my eyes. This has been me today, yesterday and it seems forever. Regret and over reaction appear to be constants in my life, and seeing the almost fear in my youngest eyes as I shouted over a messy bedroom, only messy because she had rushed to get into bed, so we could read a story together. This has been exactly what I needed to read. Thankyou xx
I am constantly amazed that a complete stranger speaks to me. I needed this so much today. It was one of those mornings and unfortunately I did not respond as I wish I would have. Although, it was better than the past. I could have written this exact post. This is me. Please don’t stop helping so many with your honesty. I think of you always when I need calm. A complete stranger. You have helped me become closer to the parent I want to be. With a little help from the orange rhino and Dr. Laura 🙂 I look forward to the strength you 3 bring me when I need it the most. Thank you!
So my son, 2 1/2 years old, has been potty training for what seems like ages. My daughter was basically potty trained in a weekend and only really wet her bed once. My son on the other hand has had good days and some not so good days. He’s been potty training for 2+ months and some days I wonder when the end will be. What I have realized though is that no matter what happens, no matter what the circumstances of when, where or why he dirtied his pants I have to speak lovingly to him. It finally struck me one day when he had peed his pants again and I got really frustrated. I probably yelled and I definitely made it very clear to him that I was not happy about the events that had just transpired. He looked at me, lower lip pushed out, tears in his eyes, and simply said “Sahwee” over and over again (that’s sorry in Toddler-ese). In his little mind he probably believed that he was not worth much at that moment and that was all he could muster. I was devastated by the look on his face and reflecting back in that moment on how I had reacted. So since that day, every time he dirties his pants, and even if I may have expressed frustration in the moment I always sit him down on the potty and tell him that I love him. I tell him I’m not mad and just gently remind him that he needs to tell someone if he needs to go potty. Just this past weekend he had poopied in his pants a little but had made it to the potty and had gotten the rest in the potty. In the past it would have all been in his pants or elsewhere but I was sure to tell him this time how proud I was that he had made it to the potty and had gotten the rest into the potty. I struggle with anger and overreaction far too much and I just hope by changing my attitude on the little things that it will change how I react to the big things as well.
Thank you for articulating that when we show compassion we “save a heart from worry”.
I’m not a mom but a dad that for a long time overreacted to lots of things. So much so that it nearly tore my family apart. I “woke up” when I got home from work to find a house empty my family; a note in their place. It has taken my family a long time to heal. But that is the good news. We together and moving in new unexpected directions as a whole, single, intact family.
There are moments when things don’t work out exactly the way I want, but I have learned to hold on and roll with it. It is reassuring that I’m not alone, and it is OK if I do falter – tomorrow I can improve it.
I’d also like to say that in my case those new found moments of compassion save two hearts from worry – theirs and mine.
Thanks again.
I always appreciate the words that you write. I often see myself in the stories that you relay. Having three kids, 6 years and under, I am often over-tired and over-reactive. My “red-head” temper flares more often than I am proud to admit. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share the lessons you have learned through your REAL LIFE experiences (that are obviously not always neat and shiny). It’s nice to know others have been where I so often feel that I am, and that there is always room to grow and change for the better. Blessings!
Wow. Thank you, as always, for telling it like it is and for being real. I can so relate.
little girl realized it was P.E. Day so She just made an excuse not to participate smh ha!
I have a million moments of regret (or so it feels after 19 years of parenting!) when I let stress speak first. One of my very favorite quotes that I try to think of before responding is, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Victor Frankl Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding us all that we aren’t alone in this struggle to respond from that space. Your “3 second pause” will be another way to remind myself to stay in that space long enough to respond in a way that gives me freedom from regret, and for the ones I love to have the freedom to express where they are in that moment.
Thank you so much for that quote, Jenny.
This is something I’m actively trying to work on with 3 boys 5 and under and another on the way, patience is often vacant. Something that has been hard is I have a husband that is as bad as I am. I can see his blood rising and the outbursts getting out of hand, and the looks on the kids faces, and I can check him and usually he’ll back down (he’s a great guy, but I feel like my short temperness has rubbed off on him over the years). But he doesn’t do this for me. He just lets me deal with whatever situation is happening, and often will back me when I wish he would stop me. When I start to feel out of control, and the rage rising, I know I need someone to check me, to help me, and I feel alone in this, and I don’t always feel like I have the self-control to bring it back down. While is some ways I feel like I’ve mellowed with each child (I was very hard on my first), it’s especially difficult with this latest pregnancy’s hormones. I can feel myself loosing it, I want to stop, and I swear I can feel my hormones keep pushing me out of control and I so wish someone would just stop me, because I feel like I can’t. I do feel like this happens much less than it used to, because I’m focusing on improving in this area, but it still happens.
Thank you. I struggle with regret every day and I always think it is just me. I chastise myself for being such a horrible person and feeling like a monster. Your post made me realize that I am not the only one who struggles, many people struggle with this. I cried when I read your post and when I read the many wonderful and meaningful comments. Thank you for your honest courage and to those courageous commentators for giving me strength and hope and for letting me know I am not alone.
I am so grateful to hear this, Anna. There is hope, friend. Today matters more than yesterday. Let us begin again.
My list of regrets is also long. But after a really difficult fall, I have resolved to be different. Today, leaving five minutes later than I wanted, my daughter said she changed her mind and thought she might need her gloves on the playground today. The words, “that’s too bad, we are already pulling out” stopped short on my tongue. Instead, “do you really need them to day?” is what came out. I jumped out and ran back into the house and only lost 60 seconds of the morning. I was Blessed with a smile and a “Thanks Mommy, you’re the best!” 60 seconds of my morning changed nothing in our schedule, but likely changed everything for my daughter.
Thank you for sharing, Amanda. This is very uplifting and hopeful. We can all do this.
I have a private practice for mental health and I was wondering if I could share this on my Facebook page.
Yes. I would be honored! Thank you for helping the message reach more people. My hope is that it helps someone realize change is possible.
Awesome article. I needed this year’s ago
I could have written this WORD. FOR. WORD. However, I am broken inside 🙁 No matter how hard I try, I cannot fix the ugly, black spirit I have inside. I hurt my 4 children everyday with my words and my yelling and I hate myself for it. However, I read your posts daily for strength and hope that I can one day be like you and change for the better. You truly are an inspiration to me. Thank you for another beautifully written post that went straight to my heart in the exact moment it needed to. You are a blessing!
Hi Tara, I am so glad you are here walking beside me on this journey. I have created a list of strategies I used to become a more peaceful responder. I would be happy to share it with you and anyone else who would like it. Just write to me at rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. There is hope, dear Tara. It is not too late.
Yes, over-reacting is common especially under the right circumstances (like everything going wrong at once). But you’re very self-aware which is half the battle. The other half is that magic pause. It amazing what just a teeny bit of time can do.
Thank you, this is exactly what I needed!!
I live too much of my life now lost in regrets and the biggest ones are those times when I didn’t breath, when I was impatient, angry, when I would blow up without seeing the look in my son’s eyes. Those are the times I think about now. How I wish I knew then what I know now. It was always little things.
I was shopping last year and there was a grandmother with her 3 year-old grandson. She let him go grab the box of cookies to put in the cart and he looked so proud carrying them back, so very proud. And then he tripped and dropped the cookies and she yelled at him. He looked like his world had come to an end. It still makes me cry when I think about it. How very easy it is to crush young spirits and how we take it all for granted.
This is wonderful. Thank you x
Rachel, your blog is the only thing that gives me hope and a little peace of mind. I’m a shambles, up most of the night, not eating, even dry heaving into the toilet because I get so upset to my stomach–I can’t seem to stop the negative replay of my past poor parenting and worry about the damage I may have already caused. It sucks.
Counseling is helping, I’ve been going for about a month, but I have these huge setbacks. I wish I were a different person. I wish I could really FEEL that I’m already a better person. I haven’t exploded in 8 months, I’ve been taking positive parenting very seriously. I’m not the mother I used to be, but I still can’t stop beating myself up about how I once was. Even if I can never find grace for myself, at least I know that I will have been a good mom for the majority of my daughter’s childhood. But those first five years, I just can’t find a way out of the remorse I feel.
I’ve never hit or beat, but I have yelled, said hurtful things, shamed, and was in a constant state of irritation. Ugh. When people told me how hard parenting is, they never ever mentioned the guilt.
Hi Danna, thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I have a suggestion–something that helped me stop beating myself up for past failings. When we wallow in regret for things we cannot change we are sabotaging the present moment. We cannot feel joy. We cannot connect to our loved ones. We cannot embrace who we are today if we are looking back, beating ourselves up over the past. When you start to go down that path of negativity say to yourself, TODAY MATTERS MORE or THIS MOMENT MATTERS MORE than yesterday. I posted this piece on the Hands Free Revolution Facebook page the other day. It resonated with many people. Maybe it will be helpful to you too, dear one. There is hope. You are not alone, Mama.
More Than Okay
By Rachel Macy Stafford
“That’s me,” I say when my not-so-desirable qualities surface in you.
I’m too impatient.
I’m too controlling.
I’m too worry wart.
I’m too independent
too head strong
too overreacting
too stubborn
too sensitive
too head-in-the-clouds.
And I am afraid I’ve passed it down to you.
I’m afraid it’s beyond repair.
But then I see you hold a puppy
Take the lead
Write a story
Run with your hair flying
Create like an artist
Laugh with your mouth wide open
Protect your sister
Wipe another’s tears
Come up with a plan
And I say, “That’s me,” and perhaps I am not a complete mess.
There’s some good in there.
And you’re picking up on that too
Along with your own unique strengths, talents, and gifts.
And for the first time, I feel hopeful
That my not-so-desirable qualities can soften over time
That my rough edges can smooth out with each passing day.
And maybe I’m more okay than I thought I was.
And maybe you’ll be okay too.
And maybe you already are.
So today when I look at you, I will try to focus on what’s more than okay
In both of us.
© Rachel Macy Stafford 2015
Today we could spend our precious time worrying about how our mistakes and shortcomings have impacted the ones we love. But here’s the thing about worry: Worry removes us the current moment of our life. Worry prevents us from experiencing joy, peace, and meaningful connection. Today, let us not give Worry any more of our moments. By focusing on all that is good and okay, we are free to live more and love more in the precious time at hand.
This is so very helpful. I’ve seen my therapist since I’ve posted that comment and had a major breakthrough. I’m sharing so that I can hopefully reach another mother who might be in my shoes. There was some childhood trauma, sexual abuse by a neighbor, for which I’ve been exhibiting some PTSD symptoms. The inner critic, self-loathing, irritability, hypervigilance, fear of what I cannot control (including intrusive and ugly thoughts), incapable of being in the present. It all makes so much sense now. Clarity. I’ve finally turned a corner on this – I’m done beating myself up, punishing myself. I have to in order to begin the healing process with my 5yo daughter, who has been impacted.
These past couple of days have been nearly anxiety free. I’ve had weepy moments, sadness, but I think it’s healthy mourning of what was taken from me as a child. I’m going to survive, my child and I will heal together.
Ladies – please, if you are wallowing in shame, remorse, unable to give yourself grace – please seek help. If you are carrying secrets from your past, please get help, and let it out so you can let it go. Release your demons. It’s the only way you can be present and able to truly emotionally connect with your child.
I love you all and with you the best in your journey of self-improvement. Love yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story … your insight … your hope … and your healing. This is incredibly powerful and helpful. You have made a difference, Danna. Wishing you continued inner love and peace. Bless you, dear one.
I pickup my 5 year old twins at the drive thru at their school every day. And perhaps they are just tired from their day but it’s been a struggle to not come home in an awful mood b/c the second they are in the van, the fussing and fighting begins. First they are shoving each other as they take off jackets and climb to their seats, then they ask where their snack is (we live 5 minutes away…I keep trying to get them home and do snack at the table but that’s the beginning of a fight…no snack!) Some days I bring one, on those days they typically don’t like what I bring. Then my daughter will not ask for help with her seatbelt, she’ll just sit down and cry til I buckle her. (every other time of day, she does it herself). All this while trying to get out of the way of the drive thru line. It’s enough to get me boiling.
Sometimes I handle it better than other days. On my worst day, I angrily buckled my daughter in and told her she was the fussiest kid alive. “No I’m not!!!” She screamed and then cried most of the way home. What I told my daughter is far from true, she’s the sweetest, most thoughtful, best big sister I’ve ever witnessed….but for some reason she is very grumpy every day after school.
I love this post today. I will definitely try to pause more often, I am certain that will make a huge difference. Forgiving myself is hard, but they are amazing. I am lucky.
Thanks for such a great blog!
Thank you, Victoria, for sharing this, this is EXACTLY how my daily rides home from school with my 5 year old son go every.single.day. We live 8 minutes from school and I get the same snack whining! Like you, some days are fine, others I end up with that sick pit of regret in my stomach.
This is the first time I’ve read this blog and I’m so glad I found it. Thank you, Rachel, for writing it, it hit me right where I needed it to today.
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for taking time to comment. As a special education teacher for 10 years, I used many tactics to encourage my students to make positive choices and cooperate with each other. I wrote a post about The Warm Fuzzy Jar that many readers of my blog have used to encourage their children to make good choices. I can’t help but think a plastic jar and a bag of warm fuzzies would really help the car time after school. Take a look at this post. http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/29/how-to-fill-up-a-child/. After you get the supplies, sit down with the kids and tell them the things they can do when they get in the car to earn a warm fuzzy. You may want to role play these actions so they really understand what you expect. Like: 1) take off their jackets nicely 2) buckle themselves 3) answer politely when you ask them about school 4) wait patiently for snack 5) take turns getting out the car. You can even carry the jar into the house to use for gathering snack (they could help you and it could be a connection time). See the Warm Fuzzy Post to know exactly what to do as they earn pom poms in the jar.
My wonderful colleague & parenting coach Sandy answered a question on the blog today about a reader whose daughter screams when she gets the wrong spoon at breakfast. Sandy suggested the following and I thought it might also be helpful for you to see this:
Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers who have requested parent coaching. When you are that angry and cannot think, use the three seconds Rachel suggests to take three deliberate breaths to help calm your body down. Then try something different – play. No kidding.
You have a pattern of reacting to her screams with anger. Start reacting with play and it will change everything. Here’s one way it could look look:
She screams, you take 3 breaths, then use mime to do a very animated silent scream. Flail your arms, jump up and down, etc. This is NOT to make fun of your daughter, but rather to jostle yourself out of your anger and get you to crack a smile. Big actions, even silly ones, can meet your need for power so you won’t feel like you have to yell. Your daughter will probably be so surprised that she will stop and watch.
Next blame the spoon (this validates your daughter’s upset with the spoon). Take the spoon if she will allow you to, or try to touch it but treat it like hot lava. When you touch it, do your mime scream then take your hand away or put it down quickly. Touch it again, and mime scream again, pretending to be puzzled about what to do about a spoon that makes you scream.
Encourage your daughter to help you solve the hot lava spoon problem. When you are both laughing you can give her a hug and move into real problem solving about the spoon. When this spoon problem is solved, get her suggestions for the next time. Maybe she can get one herself, or lay out the one she wants the night before, or if this is about meeting her need for more connection in the morning, would it be OK with you to pretend to be her “spoon butler” in the mornings for a while? Sometimes a tiny bit of validating play like that is all that is needed to make the entire morning go smoothly.
If this style of play doesn’t work for you, feel free make up your own or choose something else to do after your three breaths. I recommend play whenever possible because it brings instant connection which calms you and the child down. But as Rachel says, so much is possible after a 3 second pause.
If you want to know more about Playful Parenting, read Dr. Lawrence Cohen’s classic:
http://tinyurl.com/playparent
For a better understanding of what works with children and 3 simple steps that create connection and cooperation, you can read my online book SAY WHAT YOU SEE free from a PC or MAC (not mobile) here:
http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book
or listen to my interview with Dr. Laura Markham here:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/radio-shows/say-what-you-see-an-easy-parenting-strategy-that-really-works
I love this blog! Encouraging, raw, truthful and graceful. Ok so I’m not crazy ! I’m not the only mom who gives snappy sharp comments, but its not me and I don’t have to stay hurried, frazzled,and regretful . Thank you for hope today. I choose to only love today. Everyday. Oh and we never c your hair in any pics but the little I c it’s beautiful. I’m currently trying to grow mine out. Can u share your hair tips.
This is just what I needed. It’s nice know there are others who struggle with the same things I do
Thanks for sharing, for reaching out to mamas…this sp0ke to me, I saw myself in this post and truly touched that place I have been working on changing. Didn’t have a name for my state, though. Over-reactive- that’s me and it comes from a place of wanting stability and order. Working on it. Thanks so much for this post, for encouraging us, for reminding us of what better responses look like and how that can translate into better loving others AND ourselves.
I needed this. Thank you.
This is just lovely. Thank you. Have stuck your poem on my fridge. Going through a tough time and this is such an awesome reminder that we can control how we respond to uncontrollable circumstances and that our responses really shape our future and that of others. I get it wrong so often but your posts always encourage me to keep on keeping on! Blessings to you.
The beautiful thing is that children are so forgiving. I know my mother struggled with me. I had orthopedic problems and was a highly sensitive child in a family that wasn’t (I think my mother wasn’t all that sensitive, my father probably was a little more). I don’t remember those moments of weakness that I am sure my mother had. I remember the good things, and the strong moments. And that’s ok. We all have baggage, and we all have things we wish would change. As long as we keep striving to be better people, I think that’s all that matters.
Thank you for sharing these deeply personal regrets and how you have worked to create fewer of them. I have never hated myself so much as I have as a parent. Two years ago we became the parents of two school aged children who have been through a lot, and I have messed up so badly so many times. I feel like I can summon up patience and kindness and respond with love for a certain amount of time, but eventually I just explode with frustration and anger. It is so the opposite of what I want to be modeling for my children. It is not who I ever thought I would be. But loving my kids means not giving up on myself and my ability to do better. Thank you for the constant encouragement you offer here.
This really is a great article. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have lost my temper and been really sharp-tongued with my girls; particularly in the mornings when we’re rushed and I’m tired. Afterward I always regret it and apologize. I have been working on it, but it’s a struggle (especially when I’m tired.) and this is a great reminder to think before I speak. I’ve never been much of a yeller, but I know words spoken in frustration and anger can be just as impactful (sometimes even more so).
I will always regret how I rushed out the door worried about being late to preschool almost everyday of my son’s preschool years. I was a bully worried about how others would perceive my inability to get 1 child to school on time. There were tears and harsh words I regret everyday. Your quote “today matters more than yesterday” is now on a sticky note by my side door. I need that reminder everyday because I am often focused on the details and not the big, more important picture.
Wow. This real hit me hard tonight. My regret from this morning was a Monday morning getting ready for school. My daughter really wanted me to drive her to school instead of riding the bus. She didn’t want to get out of the car when the bus came. But I couldn’t be late for work because I have so much to do. By the time I got to work I sat in the parking lot and cried for 15 minutes because I felt so bad. Thanks for this article.
Such a wonderful post. A reminder of something I should be doing more often… Thank you.
I always enjoy your posts but the past couple have sure hit home. This one especially. I’m already working on my reactiveness, you just gave me so much encouragement in reading this. Thank you for being brave enough and secure enough to share your story to help others!
This made me shed tears of regret & familiarity. I’m raising my 9 y.o. granddaughter and one would think if you’ve already raised children once, the second time should be a no-brainer. Quite to the contrary; several times I’ve found myself in the middle of repeating those same regretful responses of 20 years ago. Unfortunately, it comes too automatically and it takes both head and heart working in unison to be mindful and compassionate especially in those harried, get-to-school-on-time, mornings. I appreciate your brutal honesty for the good of all. I’m adding the 3-second pause to my repertoire of small but mighty life changers.
This post very closely describes a scene that played out in my house just last week except I didn’t take the 3 second pause that I should have. The second my child walked out the door I regretted my reaction to a lost hat and gloves. It too was a last minute revelation that the new hat & gloves that had been worn for the first time the day before were now MIA. It really wasn’t about the fact the gloves & hat were lost, it was that I wanted him to be warm in the single degree temps and I didn’t have another hat & gloves for him so I felt like a failure. I know I started my sweet, caring and sensitive boy’s day off on a horrible note. I apologized to him as soon as he got home, but it’s an awful feeling knowing that I overreacted to a misplaced hat. A stupid hat.
Rachel, thank you so much for this. This is one thing that keeps slapping me in the face with my daughter. We are so much alike and butt heads all the time. I know she will do great things and be great at whatever she does. So many times I see my own weaknesses and insecurities in her, but I also see my strengths. I don’t know what brings the compassion-less responses. I was reading in Genesis this morning and reading how Noah listened to God and did exactly what God told him to do. He learned many things about what was to come by doing so. This post was a great reminder that many times, I just need to stop, let my filter take control, and keep my mouth shut rather than say what I’m thinking. Working on compassion with her daily, and moment by moment.
WOW! This post really spoke to me. I am not a morning person and sometimes getting three kids in the car in time for work/school/kindy can be a challenge (especially as I have one who does not like to have her hair brushed and one in a world of his own) This was just the gentle reminder I needed before school begins again. Years ago, when my children were very small (a baby and a toddler) I did a parenting course and one of the mantras I learned from it, which worked very sucessfully when my daughter was being challenging was “God Grant Me Grace”
Thank you so much for your wise words.
I just started reading your blog and I love it. Reading your struggles makes me feel like I wrote this myself. Thanks for being real and for the good ideas on how to improve.
Awwww, this brought tears to my eyes. I had a 3-second pause today with my 6 year old daughter. My friend had arrived early to pick up my 3 girls for school and I was rushing everyone out the door. My 6 year old had her backpack and was holding her snow boots in a seperate bag. As her big sisters ran out the door, I kissed her goodbye and she looked up at me with the saddest eyes. I thought it was the usual, difficult Monday morning transition…but today I paused, really looked at her and asked her why she was sad. She whispered, “We’ll be out for recess and my legs will be cold.” And it was then that I looked down at the thin leggings she was wearing. So I waved to my friend to hold on a second, threw her snow pants into another bag and sent her off to school with a smile and a skip in her step. Her class ended up staying in for recess, so it was a moot point. But I was so happy, on a crazy busy Monday morning, that I took that 3-second pause.
🙂
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. For sharing this struggle. For helping me know I am not alone. For sharing your strategy to deal with the pain and regret of overreaction.
This is an issue I struggle with every day and am fighting to overcome. Just knowing I am not alone gives. Everyone great comfort, hope and conviction that I can control my reactions and become a better person. Each day is full of chances to become the person I long to be. We can all be the loving reaction rather than the overreaction.
Unfortunately, my list is very long too. Being enraged at my hubby before my daughter’s 5th birthday party, trying to force her to eat the mac and cheese she asked for and refused to eat, the many looks of my sweet little girl recoiling in fear because of my anger, the slammed doors, the growls and howls of frustration…So incredibly THANKFUL for the grace and forgiveness of God AND my little girl. She’s incredibly special and knows her mama LOVES her and is FAR from perfect. I pray it frees her to allow herself grace when she makes mistakes.
#overreactor
Reading your article, I had an a-ha moment. I. Am. An. Over. Reactor. All the scenarios you listed, I have been there and I’ve regretted them. Until reading this article, I would have described my shortcomings many ways but seeing them as your issues made me realize the big problem is that you/I am an over reactor. I will own it in the moment, in my 3 seconds, then *hopefully * respond calmly and lovingly. I’m actually excited to try this out. My new mantra is “I’m an over reactor”.. Just saying it, owning it, makes me feel like I can have that emotion and deal with it the most positive way I know how. Thanks for giving me this idea and using your 3 seconds as a stepping stone 🙂 cheers!
This was the perfect time for me to read this. I am exhausted, stretched thin, choosing not necessarily what matters most…
Thank you for reminding me of things I already knew, but had somehow lost touch with today (okay, and many days).
Thank you!
I expected a post about the gift of the pause that comes via meditation practice — my most important and practical tool to change, little by slowly, from an overreactor to a mindful responder. But using that pause to run the scenarios … Brilliant. Rachel, I love your writing and thinking and hearting so very much. Thank you. (And maybe have overlooked a mention of her on your blog, but an author-educator who so gets-teaches-embodies this is Vicki Hoefle.)
Rachel, I’ve been reading here for a while now, but this is the first time I have felt compelled to leave a comment. I just shared this post on FB, accompanied by: “I am so grateful for how REAL she is. Always. It helps me feel not so crazy.”
I over-commit, I have sky-high standards (for myself and for those around me), I don’t say “no” enough to the good things so that I can say “yes” to the best things. After my second baby was born almost a year ago, I reached a whole new level of exhaustion and being stretched too thin. With several work-from-home jobs, raising two little ones, and serving in ministry, I’ve snapped more times than I care to admit.
And I’ve cried more bitter tears of regret at the feet of Jesus than I care to admit.
I love reading your blog, because you remind me of what the best things are.
Have you read Screamfree Parenting? The whole premise of the books is “Respond more, react less.”
http://www.amazon.com/Screamfree-Parenting-Revolutionary-Approach-Raising/dp/0767927435
This posting is timely for me today.. Today is 11 months since I last got to touch my daughter. So my regrets are different.. and so deep. Because I get no more do overs. .. with her. But today I lived and I enjoyed with my 3 surviving children. And its still not always easy… and I will never understand why I had to lose her to get to the parent I am today.. I wish I had read.. and understood a posting like this while I still had her.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Oh, Libby…I wish I had words, but there are no words, I know. I just wanted you to know somebody read your words, and cares. I wish so much good for you.
You are lovely, Heidi.
Thanks Rachel. I also wrote a post on pausing but you spell it out so much clearer. I really enjoyed reading this x
Thank you for letting me know I a not the only one who feels this way. It’s great to know that there are other mum’s out there who too stove to respond in the best way. I know it won’t always be, but that too is my goal for myself.
I am you of your past! The queen of overreaction from the broken glass to to the peeling out of the driveway and all the way to making scathing comments to a last minute request. I’m certainly not proud of it, but I’m happy to say that I’ve recognized it and am in the process of changing it. Like you, I do not like having regret with me all the time. I have you to thank for this. Many times I’ve wanted to change, but was always overpowered by my inner critic. I believed that I would never be able to change until I came across your blog. Then I had hope. I felt re-energized and determined to make me better. So THANK YOU! My boys (husband, 6 yo, and 17 mo old) THANK YOU. “Only love today”: my new mantra =)
Wow! This makes me incredibly happy to read this message! If there is anything I want people to get from my messages, it is HOPE. I am so grateful to know of your progress and how my writings have touched you and your family. THANK YOU for letting me know!
When I found your blog quite some time ago I felt so relieved reading I wasn’t the only one. Reading your stories translated my feelings into reflections and it helped me to turn around the mode I was in. It took some time but I managed to leave those days behind me. Also because it finally dawned on me the main reason for being so short tempered and overreacting towards my 5 y.o. daughter was me being exhausted. Getting more sleep instead of the usual 5-6 hours and little fun screen time when out of work helped to regain my energy. I used to watch tv and do a lot on facebook in my spare time, these days I barely touch my computer and hardly watch tv. Instead of wasting time and energy on trivial things I now charge and save for those who really matter in my life. But I just had to give back to you how much I appreciate you sharing your journey!
This is a very important point you make here, Susan. Getting more sleep was a huge factor in me overreacting less too. It is so good that you put boundaries on your screen time so you could get the sleep your body, mind, and soul needed to be the person you wanted to be. Thanks for mentioning this. It may be a light bulb moment for someone else.
I feel like I have these regretful moments several times a day. Not only towards my children and husband but sometimes strangers . Thank you for this reminder to pause. I will be printing this and carrying it with me.
Same here!
Wow. Just wow.
Thank you for this post. I have three small boys, and every night I lie in bed, promising myself that tomorrow will be better, that I won’t make the same mistakes again, and every day I follow the same pattern. I could make a lot of excuses about why I react the way I do, but I won’t.
Instead, I will mark today as my day to make a positive change.
Thank you for inspiring me to be a better mother.
I can actually feel the commitment as I read your words, Lynaire. I’d love to hear about your progress in a week or two. Feel free to write to me for encouragement and/or more suggestions on choosing a peaceful response. I have made a list of resources and ideas since so many people have asked. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
Thank you for your honesty! I, too, struggle with regret. With two kids only two years apart and a job outside of the home as well, I find myself frequently at the end of my rope. Recently because of another blog that spoke of crushing your child’s spirit, I have reevaluated things. I start the morning with Jesus instead of my exhaustion. I pick my battles and let them work more out on their own. And I don’t think I’m necessarily different but I think I’ve asked Jesus for help and that has made all the difference. It will be a daily thing for me, a daily ask but that’s what He wants, I know He wants me close. Thank you for your relatibility and letting me know I’m not alone. 🙂
♥
Thank you for writing this! Just what I needed today (and everyday)! I have a history of overreaction and anger that wells up especially when I’m trying to manage too many tasks at once. I want so badly to be a “Mary ” but sitting seems so difficult with the tasks in front of me. I can choose to pause for 3 seconds….. Very doable. In doing so, I can protect the people I love most-namely my husband and 5 children that God has entrusted me to. Thanks for using your gift to bless and inspire us!
I needed to read this today, and don’t even know it. A heartfelt thank you from a stranger.
Thank you. Where you talk about response to her request would’ve been underlined with control and the need to win, I think many of us feel that. I personally get so torn between the two extremes of parenting: giving a child everything she requests and never setting limits and essentially them becoming spoiled which could lead to them not being prepared to handle any of life’s crazy situations ahead! And the other extreme being denying everything in fear of the latter! And in the chaos of having 3 kids under 7 with sports and school and music, not to mention my husband and I both owning our own businesses, I sometimes forget compassion. I forget that it isn’t about winning. It is about love. Thank you for this read today. You’ve given me tips to handle life more beautifully:)
I have been trying to do this with my 4 year old daughter, but now my husband thinks that I am too easy on her and letting her have too much control. But when it is just me and my daughter, we have a more peaceful relationship and I can actually ENJOY being a mother instead of always being angry and irritable about everything.
Your posts have always been nothing short of transparent and authentic parenting. Parents here in Singapore have been sharing your posts since 2 years ago and I wished I had read them earlier instead of plunging into guilt and despair. All the overreaction, rage, fury, control freak add to the long list of feeling self-defeated. But by the redeeming & transforming grace of God, we can change for the better. 🙂 Thank you for being salt and light to all of us who are struggling and being moulded daily into Christlikeness! 🙂
I really love this article. I am very guilty of snapping. It seems that if I stay level headed and calm my daughter does not hear me until I have to yell. I hate it, so I just yell. It is wonderful to read about the other mothers in the same boat, and know I am not alone. I know remembering to think first will help. I hope it is ok, but I going to post a couple of your reminders on my fridge. Thanks for such a heartfelt article.
Yes, by all means, post the words that resonated with you on your fridge, your bathroom mirror, your closet, the car, wherever you turn … that is exactly what I did when I first began my journey. Those signs were my stop signs — reminders to take time to LOVE and LISTEN each day. I am honored to know my words have made a difference to you, Angie. This is exactly why I share them. It is always my hope to touch ONE LIFE with the story I write. Thanks for commenting.
This blog made me cry. I was just thinking on the way to daycare this morning that yelling at my 4 year old son in the back seat was not the correct response, but I was so frustrated and tired that I let it out anyway. Having a 10 year old, 4 year old, 2 year old, and one on the way in June, I have many responses that I regret later, especially with trying to get out the door in the morning. Thank you for not only the reminder that I’m not alone, but that yesterday is over; I can start over today and I can get this parenting thing right. Thank you for the encouragement. I will definitely work harder to have a 3-second pause for all my reactions and to choose only love today.
I have always been in a hurry. Mostly because I over schedule myself and I hate being late… but also because I like using every minute I have to enjoy my kids before the day “begins…” either way, I realized once I started reading your posts/book how often I would say “come on let’s go” or hurry up… now I try to do the reverse (or just stop myself from saying hurry) and it makes such a difference. I love not regretting. Between this blog and my One Thousand Things book, I am changing who I am as a person (even who I am as a TIRED grumpy person!) because I know it’s going to make a difference. Thank you for your words, always!
I read this yesterday (it was very well-timed) and this morning had a better morning than yesterday because of it. I’ve got it bookmarked to come back to again and again. Thank you!
I appreciate that you came back to let me know this, Julie. This really means a lot to me. May today be the first of many more loving mornings …
You made an impact on my life today. That is not something we do for one another often. Your words will resonate with me for some time. -proud and rushed father of two young boys.
That is very kind of you to take the time to tell me. Thank you, Matthew. I will remember these words.
I am so happy I stumbled across your blog today. I have trouble with speaking before thinking, and the shame that comes from that is sometime debilitating. Thank you for this reminder that I can move on from those moments of regret and become a better version of myself!
Beth
Normally, I read your posts and think, “I need to remember that.” But today, I realize that I actually did this prior to reading this. I took the moment to get those leg warmers out and not rush my little one to get out the door to meet the bus. We made it on time anyway, and everyone was happier (and warmer!) All of your past posts are starting to sink in. 🙂 I love how they are seasoned with such grace too! God bless you and the work you do!
This is so uplifting, Michelle! It is so important to catch ourselves doing good. We do so much good in little daily doses that we see as “part of the job” but they are so much more.
What amazing words that I so desperately needed. My frustration with life has been building lately. And my kids are around the most and bear the brunt of my reactions. I have been “trying” to change… today, it’s no more trying, it’s just doing! Thank you for this much needed wake up. xox
I have been struggling with this for a while. It makes me feel like I am drowning and failing as a parent. My oldest is at an age where he is testing boundaries and I realize when I lose my cool rather than give him confidence in choosing right I am causing him self-doubt and hurt. Thank you for the encouraging word.
Oh how many times have I done this. To take that 3 seconds, that is what I will strive to do from now on.
Thank you for this. I have two preschoolers and I find myself in that regretful state often. My mom was an angry yeller and I always vowed never to make my kids or my husband feel the way she made me feel. But I have failed. I don’t think I yell as much as she did, but it doesn’t matter. I yell enough to hurt them. I find it happens most often when I’m extremely sleep deprived (youngest doesn’t sleep well) or when my hormones are out of wack (period, weening…). But truly I am like you. I want to be in control and have things go perfectly every time. Combine exhaustion with a string of unsatisfactory outcomes and I lose it. And honestly it happens to my husband more than to my kids. But I know that actually when I do that to him I do it to them too. ::sigh:: I pray someday I will be where you are, looking back on these episodes as distant memories. Thank you for the encouragement and hope.
Thank you for the reminder. I am moving to be closer to my parents. I am searching for a decent school. It’s not next door to my parents, but I currently live 1600 miles away. My mom is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and my dad has a lot of physical issues and needs major back surgery. They need my support. The house I am looking at is about 25 miles from them. It’s a great school district. My mother lives in a terrible school district. I am trying not to get angry with her when she goes into full blown panic mode that I’m going to be more than 5 miles from her. I truly want to tell her anything east of the Mississippi is closer. I am the response to my mother’s panic attacks. Slow deep breath.
I totally see myself in this. Though I have been making progress, we had a similar incident on Sunday. My husband had just left for a week-long trip and my younger son started speaking to me with such anger. I didn’t PAUSE long enough to see the connection. Instead, I argued back, and he ran off crying. When I went to his room after a bit, he was sobbing into his pillow, “I miss Daddy! I miss Daddy!” Of course. Ugh.
Getting better step by step though….
I really love the idea of trying to be more patient, and show more empathy! I wish I didnt say the things I do sometimes. It breaks my heart after the storm has passed, it shouldn’t be like that, there shouldn’t be a storm to begin with! I really needed to here this…to be able to step back, and look at the whole picture, rather than my frustrations! I love my littles, more than life itself! Thank you for this!
This was exactly the encouragement I needed! Just yesterday my daughter knocked my coffee and some spilled out on our school table. I saw the instant fear in her eyes as she awaited my response. I am happy to say that I responded positively and reminded her it was an accident and we could clean it up. But her face broke my heart. She knew it was something as small as spilled coffee that could cause me to lose my cool because it interrupted our school lesson. I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy and this gentle reminder that my response is important. It sets the tone of our whole day and of our household!
This is exactly what I needed today. It’s my girls first day back to school, it’s a Tuesday and one of them needed to stay home because they are sick. This post is my life. I really need to practice the 3-second pause. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Oh wow! I have been working on this issue my whole life, but most especially since I had kids. It is a daily battle to silence my inner control freak. I love your advice to pause so you can choose peaceful compassion.
Thank you for writing this!
My friend shared your blog this morning, and I’m so thankful that I read it. I have a 30 year old son with autism (Asperger’s Syndrome), as well as Epilepsy. Aaron still lives at home with my husband and me. He is not a non-verbal autistic young man, but instead is very verbal…..too much on some days. How often I have launched out in my own verbal tirade, wishing I could take the hasty words back. My own weariness and frustration never give me the right to express my frustration, I know. I have learned so much over the years of living with Aaron. So many days I am surprised that I have a tongue left after chewing it instead of verbalizing my frustrations. 🙂 Aaron is also very funny, and I am ever thankful for those days. Anyway, thank you for reminding me of that ever important pause. I write a small blog about our life with Aaron, and if you don’t mind, may I share a post I wrote on a difficult morning with Aaron? Thank you! http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2012/08/throw-on-towel.html
Dear Patty, I am honored you shared your heart, your story, and provided a link to your blog. I am thankful to you for showing up … for not throwing in the towel (as you said in your post) again and again and again no matter how hard the day before was. Someone counts on you to show up and you do. I am celebrating your patience and your presence in Aaron’s life today, dear one. God bless you.
Thank you so much, Rachel! ♥
This brought tears to my eyes today. Tears of pain and shame, tears of understanding, and tears of hope. I have been struggling with anger and overreacting for a while. And every time I respond to my children in a way that I wouldn’t condone, and in a way that isn’t kind or understanding, and that is born out of hurry and frustration over things not going right, I immediately feel sadness and regret. And I blame myself and beat myself up for not being the parent I should be. I then am not in the present moment and I am not able to parent my children as effectively or kindly or lovingly as I should.
It’s a downward spiral for me: react and yell at the kids out of frustration for something usually beyond their control; feel horribly guilty and ashamed; shut down and berate myself internally; don’t live in the moment because I am in the past and regretting what I did; miss out on opportunities to listen, teach, understand and make my kids feel loved. I usually apologize to them, but not to myself. Never myself. Because I feel undeserving of love and understanding. I have a hard time giving myself a break. So I go to therapy and cry and have my amazing therapist tell me how normal I am for being imperfect, but how abnormal (not her words) I am for not being kind and forgiving of myself and my actions. When you are taught that you are bad that can be so hard to change. But change, I will. I relish change because I don’t want to be who I am. I want to change the reactions. I want to change the internal negative talk. I want to love myself as much as I love my children. It all starts with me. If I can love myself fully and forgive myself fully, I can love my children fully, hopefully without the anger and the frustration.
Your words are reminders that I need to give myself and the kids 3 seconds or a minute or whatever it takes to let the frustration pass and to look at them and react to them with love and kindness and grace. As well as myself. Thank you for the reminder.
My heart goes out to you today, Amy. Although it pains me to read your words I have hope in the fact that you have shared them. You have said them out loud. It is not a secret how you feel about your failings. Maybe this is the day you let them go. You have said them. You have acknowledged them, now don’t let them run (or ruin) your life anymore. Your inner critic has stolen enough of your precious moments. Don’t let it take anymore. You are the only mother your children have. They love you. They LOVE YOU. THEY LOVE YOU. You may not acknowledge the millions of good deeds you bestow on your children because you think you are just doing what a parent does. But you need to give yourself credit for the GOOD that you do. For loving your children so much that you want to do the best that you can. Just for today, I want you to interrupt the inner critic when it begins to beat you down. Say, “ONLY LOVE TODAY,” or “I AM HERE and that is enough for today.” Don’t listen to the critic today. It has taken enough of your time and your worth. Do that today. And then try to do it again tomorrow. Let this day be the day you begin loving yourself AS IS.
Here is a post that might help you silence the inner critic. I wrote it when a reader asked me for something she could say to herself when the “hate talk” started. I wrote this for her, but maybe I also wrote it for you. THERE IS HOPE.
3 Words For the Critic in Your Head ==> http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/17/three-words-for-the-critic-in-your-head/
Thank you for this lovely post. This is an area I need to work on in my life and it’s refreshing to see others admitting the need to as well. I’m bookmarking this as a reminder.
Thank you! It’s nice to know we all have our crazy moments and we all survived with minimal scares! My children are 19, 14 & 12. It does get a little easier with time, experience and patience! We are able to slow down and truly see.
So wish I had read this before taking my school today….and starting both our days with my own regret for bad behavior!! 🙁 Thank you for sharing and inspiring–I need it!! I am printing it out and re-reading it. It’s nothing I don’t already know but have such a very hard time enacting it. In fact, I made only one resolution this New Years: BE KIND. Sad but true. For someone supposedly so spiritual enlightened and emotionally self-aware I am the queen of overreactions–and regret. Thanks for helping me remember what I know and break the cycle. Blessings.
(P.S. I want to thank you and all your commenters for setting such a loving and accepting tone on this blog. I have been recently disgusted with judging mommy behavior to others’ honest, heart-warming articles. I was inspired to not read a single: “How could you do that?” Or “Well, if it were me…” Ugh. We have enough of that as mommies; nice to escape it here!)
Should say “taking my son to school today…” oops.
What an amazing article, I’m in tears because I too am filled with regret for past over-reactions with my 2 sweet boys, but I cannot fix then I can only fix now. This reminds me that although much parenting advice is on teaching children how to behave, what we are doing all the time is SHOWING them how to behave. And when I blow up at not getting my own way, they are only learning to do the same thing. Thank-you for reminding me that sometimes a pause is more effective than immediate reaction.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this.
I really needed to read this and save this and refer back to this. I do over react way too often. I know it hurts others and I am desperately trying to overcome this. Especially after watching my 8-year-old daughter comfort my 4-year-old son after I scolded him for entering the kitchen while I was cooking dinner. Instead of focusing on the positive of my daughter’s love for her brother I focused on the fact that she was encouraging his disobedience.
My son was still little, seven or eight years old. I was distracted and busy doing something “important” at home. He was playing and walked into the room whistling. He didn’t really know how to whistle. It was basically that sorta irritating sound you make when you blow through your front teeth. Absorbed in my own task I snapped at him, too loud and too sharp, and told him “Stop whistling!”. When I did I looked up at him just in time to see his shoulders and little face drop. He was whistling because he was happy and it was summer and he thought he had finally learned how to whistle. It was a good day. With two harsh words I smashed that awesome kid feeling. He turned to walk away, defeated, just as I realized what I had done. Unlike some other times, I caught myself and stopped what I was doing. I called him right back and told him “Dude, you know what, you go on ahead and whistle. I promise will never tell you to stop whistling again. I’m sorry. I was wrong. ” “Really, mama?” “Yes, baby, really.” His eyes changed back to happy and sparkly. He started right back whistling and trotted off to do whatever it was he had been doing. The look on his face was one that I remember fifteen years later.
A few months ago he asked me if I remembered that day. He remembers that day as a good day, and I do as well.
I couldn’t remember some of the times that I overreacted and didn’t fix it, I do remember that time that I did.
Wow. This brings me tears. Thank you for sharing this incredibly powerful story. Even when we mess up, there is still time to make amends. I asked my daughter 3 years later to forgive me for my embarrassing meltdown at a holiday party that she remembered clear as day. She wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I forgive you, Mama,” like there was never any doubt.
Your story will change many people’s days … maybe even lives. I am so grateful you shared. Bless you.
Oh how I love this post. I’ve also found that when we’re in a chaotic situation like getting ready to fly out the door for the bus or an appointment we can’t be late for it’s so easy to respond in a curt, insensitive way without even looking at my child. If I actually take a breath, stop bony body (which, ironically I tell the kids to do this time and time again) and take the time to look into their eyes I find my responses are more patient, kind and loving. What a concept, right? I feel that we can do this in so many situations with so many other people, not just our children.
Wow, this is so me. I let it all build up and then explode, pointing out every little thing wrong. I get such anxiety in the morning, trying to get kids and myself out the door. I drive to work often with regret. I’m getting better but will put the 3 second rule in my head. Thank you for this reminder today!
I really appreciate your blogs. I try to make an intentional effort to think before I speak. I am not always successful. As a Mother of six kids (I am blessed to have each of them come into my life) ranging from 19 to 22 months who works full time and has an angry and disabled husband, I find that I fail to remain positive and give my kids positive re-enforcement quite often. I am riddled by guilt that I have to work and leave the primary care of our children during the day for the baby and after school for the others to their stay-at-home Father. It is encouraging to read your that I am only human and will make mistakes and that it is okay for Moms to apologize to those who may have been hurt with our words and/or actions. Your blogs are like a breathe of fresh air when I need to regroup and practice patience. Thank you for putting it out there. I wish I could change my life-style to further benefit my children, but reality is that it would be financially detrimental for us, however, the small steps put in place by you make my daily walk a little easier. Thank you.
This was by far one of the best posts I’ve read by any mommy blogger out there. This one transcends into any part of your life. Whether you have kids or not. And I LOVE this. It’s definitely a skill and something I have to remind myself of quite often, especially lately.. “Because my responses are more than just words.They represent who I am, who I want to be, and how I will someday be remembered.” Great write up. You just might find yourself a follower (which is not something I do often lol)
I really love this article. It really made me think ALOT!!!!
I will be honest, I have never read your blog. I don’t read any blogs for that fact, but my good friend sent me this post to me and it touched me. When it comes to overreacting, I am the reigning queen. I have two, incredible, beautiful little girls ages 6 and 2. I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as I love them. I also never knew how my temper could make me hate myself so much. I have overreacted over small things, big things and things that didn’t even qualify for a reaction. But sure enough, by the time I have cooled down, the self loathing starts. I have had many sleep ess nights and tears regretting my every action.
From the day that my oldest daughter was born I think I expected perfection from her. I can see in her eyes now the will to please me and just writing that makes my heart ache. I have so so many stories I could share, maybe some too horrible to bring up, but one in particular stands out to me. My oldest daughter was only 4 years old at the time, just in preschool. Her class assigned a little fun project to do at home with mom and dad, to make a leperchaun trap for St. Patrick’s Day. The night before my daughter and husband worked together creating, glueing, painting and drawing a trap. It was adorable, made out of an old shoe box with fake gold coins and grass, rainbow and pot of gold. My little lady was over the top excited to take it to school the next morning. Talking a mile a minute and a smile from ear to ear. I was trying to load my then 8 month old daughter in the car and asked my 4 year old daughter to carry her project to the car. Of course she is excited and not paying close attention and she ends up tripping on the doormat and breaking her project. Instead of consoling this poor little girl, whose world just came crashing down in one quick moment, I unleashed a rage of fury. I remember yelling at her and specifically telling her she ruins everything. I dropped her off that morning with a tear stained face and a jumbled project. Even as I dropped her off, I was feeling complete hatred toward myself. I was hugging her so hard before I left and started crying asking her to forgive her horrible mother. I went home bawling my head off while also trying to care for an infant. I called my husband at work (my poor husband) still bawling my head off and demanding he come home early to take care of the baby so I could pick up our oldest daughter and spend special time with her.
My husband did come home, per my request and I was able to pick my oldest up from school and go to the craft store with her and go have green shakes. I apologized to her and without a question or doubt, those little arms wrapped around me and told me “It’s ok mommy, I always love you.”. It brings tears to my eyes writing it. This time with them is fleeting, soon they will be teenagers and not so forgiving. Everyday I try to remind myself that, and everyday I try to do a little better. One day, I want to go to bed saying to myself, you were a great mom today. Your article inspired me to take those few seconds and remember the impact my response will have on the people dearest to me. I thank you for this.
Thank you so much for this. I have a 6 year old daughter that has been terrible two for about 4 years now and our confrontations often end with me regretting my reactions to her tantrums. Maybe 3 seconds of perspective can help us both.
Wow. So guilty of this and it makes me feel like a crazy out of control person (with my imaginary friend regret) most of the time. So nice to read about someone else not only realizing these tendencies in herself, but taking/suggesting proactive measures to change course. Thanks for writing!
My cousin shared this on FB….I am crying, so that is all I have to say. Was that good. Thank you!
I too have several regrets of over reacting over the years. Just as real as the day it happened. The guilt will probably never go away, but it’s a lesson learned. After finally being diagnosed with anxiety and now being balanced with meds, I finally feel like the real me. Caring, much more patient, more affectionate and encouraging, and aware to be positive. I love the new and improved me.
This speaks my truth. If I was in any way eloquent, this is exactly what is on my heart. Thank you.
Thank you for this self-reflective post. I’ve wrestled with this situation as well, and found the practice of compassionate communication (aka NonViolent Communication) to be a powerful approach. When we are able to pause and *look* at the person-child in front of us, it triggers a whole other response than the unthinking reaction that is too often our default mode. And if we model it for our children, well! I dare to have hopes for the future!
I read this beautiful post last night and even though today has been a relatively calm, sunny mothering day, I keep thinking “Only Love Today” and it just feels me with so much grace and gratitude. When we believe what we tell our hearts, it’s so so powerful. Thank you Rachel.
Thank you thank you. I have been plagued with the wrong responses for years. As a parent I often feel I am thrown curve balls I never expected. I find myself angry that there is no manual and no one tells you how things are once the kids reach tween and teen years. This has been challenging for me and I am often lost in the little things and forget that at every moment I (and their dad) are their role models. They are watching and learning by our example. Often when I react unkindly and consequently feel that regret you speak of I wonder why I can’t stop myself in the moment. What you teach me here is that if I work at my responses at every level of my life it will be come the good habit that makes me a better parent. So thank you in advance.
I sit at work with tears in my eyes… I felt regret this morning when I yelled at my toddler to just take the fruit snacks this morning… If I only would have paused for 3 seconds I would have realized he thought I was telling him to take his fruit snacks instead if his Lunchable when I was telling him to take his fruit snacks WITH his Lunchable… Thanks for an amazing article that I genuinely needed today… Sleep Well tonight knowing you helped at least 1 person!!!
Wow! Reading this brought tears to my eyes because it hit home so hard!
Thank you for this post today. It could not have come at a better time for me and it was just what I needed to read this afternoon. I have found myself in similar situations with my children lately and I do not like it. Every word that you wrote spoke directly to my heart and I was in tears reading it. From now on I am choosing Only Love Today! Thank you!
I will read this everyday until it sticks… Thank you
A few years ago I threw my favorite plate against the wall and broke it in the middle of an over reaction to a situation I have long since forgotten. What I haven’t forgotten is the disappointment and hurt in my husband’s eyes and the way my kids cowered away from me. I haven’t forgotten the self loathing either.
You’re right though all we can do is fess up and do our best to learn from our mistakes and MOVE FORWARD… for me this led to the decision to get some outside help through Christian counseling. Things aren’t perfect ( nor will they be) but we are healing and getting healthier … if there is anyone out there wanting to seek counseling but nervous about doing it go for it , you aren’t weird , you aren’t the only one and you will live through it 🙂
Thanks for your encouragement, we are all in it together 🙂
Thank you, this was what I needed to read.
Thank you for this beautifully written post. To say I struggle with the same thing would be an understatement. I have become the absolute queen of the “moment after apology.” I yell, and then I apologize. I fly off the handle, and then I apologize. Today I yelled at my two year old daughter seven times. SEVEN TIMES!! She cried four of those times. Of course I immediately rushed to hold her and comfort her once I saw what my words and tone had done to her, but that kind of damage control doesn’t negate the damage. She is two; she is frustrating; she pushes the limits; she doesn’t listen; because, obviously, she is two. She is learning. And so am I, though often I feel like I’m failing. So THANK YOU for sharing your story, because it makes me feel like I’m not so alone in my overreactions, and it gives me hope that I CAN do better. Because my kiddos deserve that. 🙂 Thanks!!
I have been running the house full time while my husband has been deployed for the year. I work full time, and run taxi duty every night of the week to dance and swimming for my two girls. I am stretched too thin. .. And I overreact to everything. I hate myself for it. I want just one day for things to go smoothly and they rarely do. I need a 3 second pause.
Thank you for this post. I will start trying to do this 3-second pause. I have found myself overreacting a lot, usually with my children , unfortunately. I can absolutely relate to the situations you described! I will also look into the books you recommended. Thank you again!
I have, far too often, spoken before I thought. And more often than not it gets me into trouble, or hurts the other person–and always, always there is regret. My mother always told me “think before you speak” but even that didn’t always help.
This is so inspiring, though– to see what can happen if I wait just a few seconds to think, before I respond. So many good things could come from that!! Thank you for this!
What a genuine and lovely post! Someone shared it on Facebook and as you can see by all the comments you have struck a chord. Thank you for your authenticity! Wonderful advice! I’ll be back to read more posts.
These words are so helpful. As you can see by all the comments you have really struck a chord. Thank you for writing such genuine words!
I often find my self annoyed and angry with the stupid things that dont really matter. I see my self standing out side my own body yelling and giving short answers to my kids out of frustration. I find my self alone with no one to really bent to so i seem to take it out on my children because I forget….. that 3 second pause before I speak. Thank you for this, it helped me realize my words leave a mark on my children.
Thank you for your honesty. It reminds me that we are all human.
That motherhood is not always easy. Or perfect.
Your remind me that my daughters deserve a three second pause….
My own control issues are my issues- not theirs. And if we miss the bus?
We will drive! No reason to flip out!
My boss will understand if I’m a few minutes late- it’s not the end of the world!!!!
Once again, thank you for the reminder ….
I am writing this through tears. Winter always seems to be a more stressful time in our house. Kids can’t play outside as much at school or at home because it’s too cold, there are fewer minutes of sunlight each day.
Needless to say, my entire family is more on edge.
I yelled at my husband yesterday. For nothing important. I had asked if he could get jackets out of the closet while I finished getting everyone pulled together for school. We were already going on 10 minutes late and my oldest was having a meltdown because she wouldn’t be able to take her AR test that morning (she can take it several other times however). I reached for the jackets my husband was supposed to be grabbing and realized he never even heard me. He was listening to commentators bemoan whether the new championship football playoffs were a good idea. My husbands favorite team is in the championship game. He was a million miles away.
I lost it. I saw red. I yelled “can’t you wait to listen to that until we are gone? I just needed 30 seconds of your time. Is that too much?!”
With a huff, I grabbed the jackets, jammed the girls into them and said “I’ve got it” in a not so nice tone when he offered to help.
The incident had completely slipped my mind until this evening when my 5 year old yelled to my 8 year old “I just needed 30 minutes of your time!” (Obviously we have not done the unit lesson on time yet). I looked at my 5 year old with shock and actually said “please talk to your sister in a nice voice. You don’t need to yell at her.” She looked at me with such confusion in her eyes. Then said “I’m sorry momma”, with tears running down her cheeks. She was so confused she ran into her room and shut the door.
I am going to start using your recommendations NOW. I don’t ever want to see that expression on my daughter’s face again.
Bless you and thank you for being so real. Not many people are brave enough to admit to what you have written.
Where was this post 28 years ago when I was raising my two boys! I was that screaming mother who was always tired, spread too thin and trying to make things and my children perfect. In spite of that, some how my boys did turn out to be great young men. I have apologized to them now that I have matured and faced my regrets. I am lucky because I do have great relationships with them as adults but wish I hadn’t been so stressed while raising them. It made me miss some of the joys. At least by reading the comments from others I realize I’m not alone and we do try to do our best. It’s never too late to add the 3-second pause to my life. Thank you for your post.
I really love the idea of the 3-second pause. I too aim to have the moment, the pause, because the stimulus and the response. I had a moment that I was not proud of right before Christmas – seeing Santa of all things. I write my 2015 resolutions around it – partly because of what happened, but also because it’s what rings truest to me. It will take work, but it’s a path I want to stay on. Here’s what I wrote: http://rudeysroom.com/2015/01/02/new-years-wish-slow-down-and-hug-it-out/
Thanks again for sharing your words. Happy New Year!
I’m so thankful for each of these posts because I am exactly like you used to be. I am working on changing, but it’s so slow and gradual and honestly I’m not even sure it is happening at all. My temper and patience are still quick & paper- thin.
I’m especially concerned with how my 3 year old acts and reacts to things. With anger and irritability and impatience. And I know it’s from me. Lord knows how much it stabs my heart each time I see her act this way.
This is spot-on to what I’m dealing with in my life. I appreciate your advice & your encouragement… and all the other moms that are in a similar place. Thanks, Rachel.
hi,
This is a beautiful article! My New Years resolution is to “wear love everywhere I go”. I’ve thought often of my over reactions that I regret. When you look back on regrets, have you contacted people to apologize and make amends? Is it important to do that or do we just move forward?
Thanks for your thoughts.
Beautiful.
I am always criticising myself as a mother and you showed me something in myself i am actually good at.
I am good at being thoughtful, understanding, calm and considerate. At least 98% of the time.
Thanks for that!
This gives me great joy, Emma. I am so glad you took the time to share. I am celebrating with you today.
I am a single, working mom of two kindergarten aged kids and am guilty of not listening to my children enough and yelling more than I should, I needed to read this. Thank you for taking the time to write this!
Thanks for this very real post. I just shared with my moms’ group!
I wish I had read this 10 minutes ago before I yelled at my child for lying to me once again. Maybe I am the reason she lies, is disrespectful and disobedient I need to learn that sometimes taking a deep breath may change things. Thanks for posting this and reminding me to wait before I speak.
Thank you. I am preparing to write my 4th step (in the 12 step tradition of AA but for another addiction: compulsive overeating) I have so many regrets from rearing my two sons. I long to make amends but the writing is so difficult. You have show such courage in writing this for all the world to see. I am now, at 64, rearing, with his father, my almost 15 year old step-son and many of the same frustrations and difficulties have re-surfaced. I am pledging not to over-react to things he does or things that happen. I pray I can find the same 3 seconds that you did. Thank you.
I REALLY needed this post today! Thanks for being real and giving real life situations a sense of hope and peace!
Dear Rachel,
This would have to be one of the most inspiring posts I’ve read in a long while. I’ve shared it on Twitter.
Blessings always,
Anna
67 year old Grandma
Thank you, Anna. I am grateful for your encouraging words to me today. Bless you.
I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this passage this morning. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes as the tension slowly relaxes in my shoulders. My overreaction and angerixety (angry anxiety) got the best of me as I picked a fight with my husband over something as dumb as our summer plans. His comment of “I can’t surprise you with anything, even a vacation, because I fear your response.”, made me feel like a tiny, ungrateful person. I have let my negative response become who I am and in doing so I have become a person I don’t even like. I needed this affirmation to put me back on track. I too have broken the coffee pot! Thank you so much for writing your true feelings, they hit me spot on!
Wish I had read and applied when my children were young!
Oh how this is soooo true! I have had many of those mornings and some of them where I wish I could just run into the school in the middle of the day and say I’m sorry because of the regret. I love this post and will definitely be printing it off and sticking it in my journal to focus on!
p.e.
my arm hurts
insert coddling, self important guilt, and a general lack of responsibility
write a note of excuse
rinse repeat.
being the parent are you at all aware IF your child was playing wii, or doing anything that would cause her poor poor arm to hurt soo much she can’t be in class….seriously……there is no need for regret, just the ability for empathy and learning, which you seem to lack. and good parenting. your child is likely not interested in p.e. today and knows from how wildly emotional and irrational you can be that applying pressure to the “mommy please” button that you will fold because of your obvious guilt complex. you are being played.
“childs isn’t dumb”
they are actually surprisingly sophisticated.
you will stop and breathe…..because your kid seems to react badly when you do. when YOU do. you break things, you pity parade, you overreact because…of……
me me me me me me me me me me me me me
…oh no my kid is crying i must be a bad parent…what am i doing wrong…
MY kid.
I must.
I doing.
perhaps you should apply that empathy somewhat, somewhere, as you did not seem to notice how your freaking out affects your partner. you sure did see how it affects your kid. or did she want it that way?
maybe your dream should be checked heavily with a dose of reality.
your husband likely wonders if this was a good idea. that’s not to insult or offend. it just is. if YOU lived with YOU how long would it have been before you packed up and left?
well hot dam i never thought of that.
it is empathy, and decent people learned it early. they learned it because of something that hurt. they were exposed to some negativity and saw that not only did it suck, it really seemed to suck for other too, and maybe somehow more so. they saw someone else hurt.
your child sees how you interact with people and how daddy and you behave and picks up cues on how to best get her way (and yes you sure folded). the answer was no. one word. no need for overreacting or drama. that’s not situational. it is you. this article is about grace and change.
take off the blindfold. there is no ideal
but why did YOU take soo long to notice that when YOU did not get what YOU wanted that YOU overreact and ruin/destroy/sour/and just be a drama-mama things. why do others have to hurt because YOU did not get? it still hasn’t occurred to YOU that others do not get what THEY want. not might not. but do not. that the world may in fact not be perfect. that this guilt-spoiling your child WILL create a monster. when has phys-ed ever had multiple options for one class?
your child needed an out, you were an easy option, she finally did not need it, and just joined the class.
did you see how your guilt is helping create a sense of entitlement?
mommy wigs-out and gets what she want, while other get PUNISHED!! I will get what i want…mommy please…
and done.
the next time this happens and you don’t have time or can not/do not you will see a little version of yourself .
who knows how YOU developed a sense of entitlement, could be got everything and are spoilt, could be got nothing and are jaded.but for the people who rely on you, and you rely on, you must learn to say yes.
just one word. no big show.
and NO. no drama, no pity, no guilt. there is no reason.
some times yes just is. just as well, sometimes no just is. it doesn’t care if an arm hurts or if you didn’t get your way or if someone needs something and you just can not. it just is. and once said people have a realistic idea of what to expect and can alter their needs or actions appropriately. god forbid that they may even HELP YOU?!?
winning is ego. it can actually be good, and you may not become an egotistical megalomaniac.
but to balance your ambition, you need to learn to say yes. just yes. one word no drama.
and equally so-
that NO is a necessity.
We are not all born the perfect parent. Maybe we didn’t have perfect parents ourselves. Perhaps it does take us a little longer to notice that we over-react when things don’t go our way. Does that mean that we should not attempt now to change things once we realize things need changing? I am extremely happy for you that you have this living thing down to perfection. I envy the fact that you never lose your temper, never say things you regret. The rest of us, however, sometimes fall short. And that’s alright. We can continue our journey making an effort to be more aware of how our words sting others, how we are responsible for our own actions. You might be right. Maybe her daughter didn’t have a sore arm and just wanted to get out of P.E. that day. And so what? Have you never needed a mental health day? Have you ever been faced with a situation that, for whatever reason, you just didn’t feel like dealing with that day? There is a tremendous difference between giving in to your child’s every whim and sometimes allowing them a pass when they need/want one. I read this article with tears streaming down my face remember instances that I have behaved this way to my husband and children. And I can assure my words and actions do not stem from any “sense of entitlement”. They stem mainly from the need to be perfect. The perfect mother, the perfect wife. And that need for perfection stems directly from people like you, that can’t accept that not everyone is as perfect as you are and they need help, guidance and understanding sometimes. We have the opportunity every day to make changes, to become better, more positive versions of ourselves. So while you make yourself feel good by pointing out all of our shortcomings, we will continue on our own journeys, pausing to calm ourselves before we speak and say/do things we regret. I started my practice with this comment. I pray you may continue to be blessed in your perfection, and I pray for the rest of us that continue to do the best that we can.
I’m not a mom, but this one hits home hard: “I am my response to my colleague with sad eyes and frequent absences.” After a co-worker, who was on a team I managed, committed suicide, I’ve tried to be more intentional, more people-focused instead of task-focused. I didn’t really know him well enough to ask what was going on, but I certainly could have altered my responses to his missed deadlines. Before that, I would have had those “you’ll be fine” reactions you mentioned about your daughter’s note. Now, I hope, I’m more likely to stop and say “ok, what’s really going on? You can be honest and tell me and I won’t judge.”
Thank you for sharing your story, JD. I, for one, will be thinking about what you have offered and it will help me reflect on the pain that might be going on behind someone’s eyes. I am very sorry about your colleague. Peace be with you.
I have been there! Making time to take time is so important. How easy it is to forget that all the busy tasks on our to-do lists do not outrank our ability to respond with grace and patience to those around us. Good words!
This is the best blog post that I have read in 2015. Thank you. I’ll try to take that moment…
http://giftieetcetera.blogspot.com
I’m sorry, but I disagree. Teaching children that it is their parents’ job to excuse them from things they don’t want to do or to bail them out of their own choice to procrastinate is not raising responsible adults. I work in both a high school and a college and I see the end result of this enabling behavior. It isn’t pretty. It is an entire generation who expect to be excused from whatever they didn’t bother to do, and who expect mommy or daddy to fix it for them when it doesn’t go their way.
I 100% agree with taking a pause and not overreacting, but that is not the same thing as teaching your children that life is about getting their way. “I’m so sorry your arm hurts, honey; should I call the doctor for an appointment?” When the answer is “no” as it will be unless she’s really hurt. “Okay, then I think you can try gym class. If your arm hurts too much, tell your teacher and let her check it.” Said with love and patience, but said nonetheless. You have also now labeled your kid as “that kid” with the teacher – the kid who makes up injuries and whose parents support that behavior. That will not serve her well in that class. When did we start to think that giving them whatever they want is an act of love? It’s NOT!
The same thing with last minute homework. I know a kid who lied to his teacher to get extensions on a major project which he never did ask his mother for help on – she found out when his teacher emailed wondering why he’d blown the extension deadline, too. His family gave up their entire day to help him through the project, and he passed it. Do you know what he did for his science fair project? Procrastinated it until there was physically not enough time to do it then expected his mother to fix it for him. Please, for the love of god and the teachers who get stuck teaching them in high school and college, STOP teaching them that these behaviors are okay. It is your job to raise adults, not to enable childish behaviors and expectations.
I agree that it should be done with calm and with love, and to the extent that was the point here it was beautifully presented. It was the lesson at the end that stopped me. Children have very real fears of things like PE – that doesn’t mean they don’t have to do it. And if her arm really was hurting – take her to a doctor to find out why, or cut off the video games that are causing it. You are the parent, not the friend. Parent with love and compassion (totally on board with you there), but for goodness sake, PARENT, don’t enable.
Jessa,
I whole heartedly agree that we should not enable our kids. However, I feel like you focused on all of the wrong things in replying to this blog. “When did we start to think that giving them whatever they want is an act of love?” – We all know our kids and if hers is one to NEVER complain or who normally loves gym, then Mom did the right thing. You can’t judge without knowing all the facts. Compassion and understanding is what she is preaching. I am sure you see entitled kids every day whose parents have allowed that behavior so I can empathize with where you are coming from, but try to see the article for what it is – encouragement to all of the Mom’s who question themselves every day and live with regret, not as a forum to be given parenting advice!
Thank you, Karen. Beautifully stated. My daughter loves P.E. she hops right out of bed on P.E. days. I took that into consideration while taking the 3-second pause and knew my child’s request was not about trying to get out of P.E. due to that fact. I appreciate your perspective very much.
I couldn’t of found this post on a better day! This morning my 8 year old daughter broke down in tears because I was making her go to Choir practice before school. It was awful, she was crying and screaming about how mean I was for making her go. In my mind there was nothing really wrong with her and so she had to go to Choir, kicking and screaming if need be. After driving to school and she was still crying, I took her home. She ended up getting on the bus later for school, but I’m sitting here now, feeling awful that I didn’t just say, OK, no choir today. Was it really such a big deal that she just didn’t want to go today? Why did I have to win? (which technically I didn’t since she didn’t end up going anyway). 3 second pause….great idea. The morning could of gone so much differently if I had just stopped for a minute and thought about it.
Thank you so much for your blog….
Thank you for this. I grew up with a mother who didn’t take that 3 second pause and a lot of hurt was caused. As a wife and mother now there have been so many moments were I start to react to a situation and for me the voice in my head says don’t be like your mother. Stop and think don’t react. This article added a new layer to that for me, so again thank you.
Thank you for being vulnerable and transparent. So often, I feel very alone in my parenting shortcomings. As a mom of a son with ADHD and all sorts of behavioral issues, my patience has worn thin. People are quick to offer all sorts of advice and “helpful” tips on how I can better parent him (usually harsh criticism disguised as advice). This is such a good reminder that it can only take a few seconds to turn a situation around. And that I really can regain control of my own reactions – and not let him dictate our lives.
Thank you for this! “I am my response” will be a new mantra for me. To remind myself to stay calm I often say “light and love” to remind myself of what I want to be filled with. Thank you for sharing your stories, they really hit home and help me try to be a better person and mom!
Yes! Yes! And Yes! This is me! I have had to work really hard to overcome that need to be perfect and to have everything go perfectly. There are still those days but they are becoming fewer and I usually don’t get too far into the day before I realize it and remind myself of the person I am striving to be – balanced. I see in my children that they come by this as naturally as my husband and I – a very long list of type-As on both sides of the family. I try to recognize when they have those moments as well and gently ask if its just “one of those days” and often they recognize that it is and we talk about the power to choose – and also the need to sometimes take a break and just cancel our scheduled things and spend a little time on our own decompressing – which helps.
3 second pause: If only I had practiced that every time I have over reacted this week. I am a classic over reactor. Whether learned or inherited it is me who over reacts. Like last night with my son who was struggling with his math homework. I became frustrated that I couldn’t figure out the new common core method he was learning. My mood was irritable and my actions were regrettable. I don’t want him acting like this as an adult. Like my reaction to him not taking a reading test this week as he should have….. I don’t know why I continue to over react because it does not produce results. I have seen him start to smile and laugh at me when I over react lately just as I did with my mom as a young boy. I will try this approach going forward. Thank you.
I can’t even count the times that my rants to 3 beautiful girls were just unnecessary and wrong. Just remember that when they become teenagers, they will not only tune you out but also remind you with just a look that you are entirely crazy! Kids will try your patience…always…but I wouldn’t trade those girls for all the peaceful moments in the world.
Wow. I was certain you were describing me in this post. Sometimes I feel so alone and like I’m the only mother out there who can’t control her temper with her children. My daughters are 4 and 2…whining and crying are a frequent struggle in our house. One day on the way home from school, they were both just losing their minds in the backseat over nothing (at least it was nothing in my mind). By the time I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park I’d had enough. I yelled…not any particular word or phrase…just yelled as loud as I could then shouted at them both to be quiet. Regret. Immediate, scorning, painful regret. I don’t think I’ll forget the looks on their faces for as long as I live. It wasn’t long after that incident that using even the slightest of stern tones with my youngest would cause her to drop her head and tear up. It was obvious to me that she wasn’t just trying to pout cutely to get out of being in trouble. I had broken her spirit. It was a dreadful feeling. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I am finding ways to keep from having these spirit-breaking outbursts. Your post has given me a couple of new weapons to fight with. Thank you.
After reading this, I just had to leave you a comment. I read a ton of blogs, articles, news stories ect. all the time about parenting, and I’ve never felt the NEED to comment on one of them before. I just happened upon your blog after a FB friend posted this link and I’m so happy. Your post really hit home for me and I absolutely will be remembering to take a 3 second pause! This is exactly the kind of advice so many parents are looking for. It is so nice to read a post that is so real. Thank you so much!!
Thank you, Stacia. This is a very encouraging comment, one that will provide fuel to my writing! I appreciate you taking the time to say such kind words to me.
Thank you for writing this. I really needed this today. I had a restless night last night after having a regrettable evening. I will start implementing a 3 second pause right away!
Thank you for this wonderful reminder. I could totally relate to your story and have had regrets to my own overreactions. 3 minute pause – love it!
Bless you and your sweet heart for publishing this! I, too, am a momma that would respond quickly with out waiting and oh the pain I would see in my babies eyes. I had to learn quickly to apologize for my actions and remove any misplaced guilt from their shoulders for my lack of punctuality, preparing, thinking ahead etc, etc… Thank you for sharing I feel a burden removed I didn’t know I needed. Blessings & prayers
This is a brilliant article, well written and really useful advice. Me and my partner would both greatly benefit from your tips, let’s hope she doesn’t overreact when I pass it on to her lol 🙂
Wow, so good to see someone be so honest. I know those moments of rage and out of control are not ones I would want others to know about. not even my husband, so kuddos to sharing and letting the rest of us know we aren’t crazy. Such a good article. Good good stuff here!
I feel as if this has been written and sent to me personally on how to change. I have three kids and a husband that travels many nights a week. While the boys are 13 and 10, they are boys with a very short attention span and I spazz at them every single night for the most idiotic of things. I do not like myself and have not liked myself for awhile because of that and this is yet another blog to let me know that I am not alone in these problems and it makes it a bit easier to deal with . It also lets me know that I am not the only one who has to learn how to take the 3 second pause. I will hopefully keep this in my head tonight. Thanks so very much.
I remember when my oldest son was probably 3 or 4 and he did something that upset me( I can’t even remember what it was now) and it made me so mad that I chased him and threatened to spank him. He coward behind a chair. The worst feeling came over me. How sad that my sweet little boy was so afraid of me that he hid from me. The look of terror in his eyes broke my heart. I vowed that day to do my best to never let my anger come out like that again. I do pretty good most of the time, but I’m human and I make mistakes too. But, I honestly try to use the 3 second pause in every situation because I don’t want anger, but love to be the last words a person hears from me. This is a great post. Thank you for sharing.
I can’t believe you wrote this on this day specifically. It took me two days to getting around to reading it but I had a major blow up on my son on the exact day you wrote this. I was so angry I was shaking. I put my younger son in his crib because I was afraid I’d hurt or scare him. We were all crying. I was silent for a long time while my four year old called to me over and over, needing some reassurance that we would be okay. Once it all passed I vowed that would be the last blow up like that my kids to would experience from me. I’ve prayed ever since that he won’t remember it.
I was raised by a screamer of a screamer and it’s so hard to fight that urge. I would never do that to a grown adult so why is it okay to do in front of a child who’s clearly already struggling?
Thank you for this perfectly timed piece.
I saw this article yesterday, but didn’t have time to read it until today. The title stayed with me though, before I even read all of the great points below it. This morning my absent minded son was carrying his lunch in a grocery bag, he was afraid to tell me that he thought he lost his lunch box. My first reaction was to give him a hard time about the lunch box, and I could see the look in his eyes when he told me WHY he was using a plastic bag … The look in his eyes stopped me in my tracks. I took a deep breath an a three second pause, and walked to the back porch where lots of stuff gets shove in a tall cabinet. There it was. In all it’s glory, the lunchbox. And the strt of our day was much different than it could have been. Thank you!
I appreciate this article and beautiful poem “I am my response.l
I am reminded of an incident that happened over the Christmas holidays between my seventeen year old daughter and myself and how quickly a few untimely spoken words can cause a breakdown in communication. I knew as soon as the word left my lips I had created it.
We had been at a family members home for the holidays for over a week and this particular day was the day we had planned to head home but the weather was horrible. Gray gloomy skies with profuse rain coming down non stop in not just sheets but blankets which seemed to match my mood that day as well. Honestly, I was just really struggling to get things together to leave. And once we would leave, we still had to stray from our normal almost five hour drive to pick up a friend’s daughter who also had been away for the holiday and take her home as well.
I battled back and forth all day in my mind whether to stay or try to go. The only reason that we really were scheduled to leave that day was so my daughter could make her work shift the following day but it had since been cancelled.
My daughter had gotten her things together and she was ready and waiting to leave. I was struggling with self motivation to go out into the rain and my nephew’s wife was lobbying for us to stay. “I guess there’s no real reason to have to leave since her shift is closed and besides it’s rainy and icky and it’s almost four o’clock, it’ll be getting dark soon and it’ll take at least an hour to get out of the city.” “And, I told myself, “I will have to look for the little place in the country where my friend’s daughter is in the dark and the rain.”
It was starting to appear the logical choice would definitely be to stay and leave tomorrow after the weather and my mood clears a bit.
So, I went to my daughter, who is ready and waiting to leave to tell her my decided change of plans. Understandably, she got upset and snipped at me, “Well! THAT messes up my plans!”
“I didn’t know you had plans?”
“Well….I do!”
And before I could catch the words before they took flight from my lips, I saw the hurt and shock on her face with tears welling up in her eyes as we both heard me say, “Well, it’s not all about you.” Even though those words came out in sort if a flat resigned sort of way, immediately I knew I couldn’t un-say them. And I felt regret. Ugh!!!
In that instant though, I knew I had two choices. I could either just walk out of the room justifying what I had said to her since I knew all my own thoughts and reasons why I finally came to the decision to stay another night without communicating with her the reservations I was has having about leaving. I mean after all, I’m the mom here, dog gone it! And it’s just not safe to leave now. “Why can’t she appreciate that?” My ego underscored and even validated the hurtful words I spoke to my daughter who is the love of my life. Or, the other choice I could make would be to send my self righteous ego to “time out” and apologize to my daughter and take responsibility for impulsively speaking.
I chose the latter path. “I’m sorry, honey” I said, in a soft humbled tone of voice as I sat down beside her.
“Sorry for “what?” She almost scolded me. She wasn’t gonna let me off the hook with a simple “I’m sorry.” I have to admit I was a little stunned by her retort.
“I’m sorry I said it’s not all about you and for hurting your feelings.” I saw the indignation on her face deflate and her soften.
“I wanted to make sure you weren’t just saying you were sorry because you saw me crying. It’s not just about me. I can’t believe you said that? I never make it about me!” She blurted her hurt and frustration through tears.
“You’re right…..you don’t ever make it about you. I do! I usually try to always make it about you and even in deciding not to go, I was thinking mostly of our safety. But you’re right. You don’t do that… I do, and then I unconsciously attach an unspoken expectation of how I think you should respond and when you don’t respond in kind, it hurts my feelings but I was wrong to say those words to you and I’m truly sorry. I wish I could take them back but I can’t. All I can do at this point is apologize.”
What followed was what I saw as a transformation when a breakdown between my teenager and myself transformed into a breakthrough and a new level of communication in or relationship.
She hugged me and told me how much she loved me and that I’m the best mom anyone could ever have. “I know you’re the one person that will always be there for me and love me, no matter what.”
In hindsight, there was that moment of regret but instantly I knew I had created a mess with my daughter and I knew that I had to take responsibility and let go of my ego and be the example of humility, love and compassion. I’ve tried to teach her both by word and deed that “everything in Life is about the conversation.”
We got through that moment and slept on it and the next morning the rains had stopped and the sun had come out and was shining. We had a beautiful day to travel and made our journey home safe and sound.
Loreen, this is so helpful, hopeful, and beautiful. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. We truly can learn so much from each other.
The three second pause is brilliant. I do not dwell on regret anymore. I came to be not only a grandparent but a great grandparent . My husband and I started early with our family of one son. To say we tried is an understatement. We labored for what seemed like an eternity. I have since found out that a lot of that work was in vain. I do not worry about what is thought of me so much anymore but instead I have tried to be approachable and non judgemental. Sure I still have my own opinions but in three seconds I mostly keep them to myself. I want to answer a little softer and love a little stronger. I only concentrate on whatI
can do and accept what I cannot . Our labor was not wasted when we were younger we just labored for the wrong reasons.:-) Remember to be kind to yourself and others.
Love this and actually have a link to it from my post
http://amomskrazylife.blogspot.com/2015/01/breaking-one-resolution-i-was-trying.html
This is the second article of yours I have read, and I must sincerely thank you for being so honest about your struggle. I was convinced that I was the only mother who often experienced a ferocious anger at the annoyances one often has to face on the parenting path (and life itself). Your first article opened my eyes to how this was impacting my daughter, and I have made huge improvements on a daily basis ever since. I still fail sometimes, but not as often as I used to, and I feel this article (and my new subscription to your posts!) will only help more. I am more grateful to you than I can even express in words, but more importantly, so is my daughter.
Thank you for letting me know this, Christina. I am grateful to have you here.
Thank you for being authentic and sincere. I have really taken to heart what you wrote and it has inspired me to work harder at NOT continuing to have regrets!
THANK YOU!!! I really needed to read this!!!
This is so where I am right now. Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. I can somehow have patience with my class of kindergarteners but struggle to have patience with my own three children. Focusing on doing everything without complaining or arguing and having the same attitude as Christ Jesus, as it says in the book of Philippians. Some days work; other days are full of regrets. I’m thankful for new beginnings every single morning and for three little boys and a husband who love me no matter what.
I just found your site because a family member posted this blog entry to Facebook. Thank you for writing this. I loved what you had to say and how you said it. I just published a book on forgiveness that also has nine principles for living what I call the forgiving lifestyle (here on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Forgiving-Lifestyle-Everyone-Including/dp/1503070719), and I wish I had known about you and the “only love today” process last year when I was writing it. There’s a perfect place in my book to talk about it. In my first revision, I’ll mention it!
Thank you, Marina. What a lovely thing to say. I look forward to checking out your book. It sounds very healing!
Thank you , Rachel! Because I want this book to be accessible to everyone, whatever their religion or spiritual beliefs are, I wrote it from a practical and non-denominational point of view. And because a book on forgiveness should embody forgiveness, I wrote every word with compassion. I didn’t want it to feel like I was pointing fingers at anyone, because so often the person we need to forgive most is ourselves.
I could write a book about shameful responses. But by the grace of God.
Two things that helped me:
1) If I found myself getting frustrated by things my girls did, I would ask them, “Why are you acting like a six-year-old?” (Or 3yo, or 4yo – depending on who I was talking to — or how confused I was). They invariably got confused, “Because I am, Mommy.” But it gave me that reset to help me remember it’s my expectations that are too high. They need a guide, not an atomic bomb.
2) I also discovered some dietary triggers that were short-circuiting my ability to maintain control. For me it was the petroleum-based additives (dyes, artificial flavors, bh* preservatives). Once we cleared those out of our diets, I was a lot calmer and the girls were able to focus better.
Thank you for sharing your insight. This is very helpful!
I know so many have already said this, but thank you for this post. I overreact and get angry often, and am all too familiar with that feeling of instant regret. A couple of weeks ago, I got really angry over something my partner did during our 4 year old son’s bedtime preparations… I don’t even remember what, something that contradicted what I had already said…and I yelled, stomped my feet, and called my partner stupid, before leaving the house and going for a walk around the block to cool off. I went home, apologized, and laid down beside my little guy to snuggle. He said it made him sad when I called Daddy stupid, and I said it made me sad, too, and I had made a bad choice (words we and his school use in those kinds of situations). He said, as he does so many times a day, “you’re my best mama.” I thanked him for thinking so, even when I didn’t really act like a best mama. He rolled over to look at me and said “you are always my best mama, even when you are sad.” When he rolled away again, I cried…the wonder, and power, of unconditional love, is amazing. I have been taking deep breaths and considering my reactions more in the last few months, and your post today really resonates with me and the journey I am on to not be the scary mama/partner that really, no one pays much attention to anymore other than to avoid. Not who I want to be, not how I want to be remembered. I’ll be copying and pasting your poem and posting it where I can read it daily. Thank you again, so much.
Thank you for sharing your story, your heart, your newfound commitment, Michelle. I found it very touching and inspiring — I bet many others will too. Peace be with you.
Because my responses are more than just words.
They represent
who I am,
who I want to be,
and how I will someday be remembered.
THIS. This is IT. It’s the crux of everything we strive for.
Oh, wow, long before blogs, internet ect. I just muddled along, praying, hoping to be a good mother (of six) and falling so short…..critical, yelling, horrible mornings getting off to school! Now, at 67, and too late at night, I find your wonderful words of encouragement, forgiveness and such wisdom. I have read to no. 115, finally scrolled ahead and realize that the rest will have to wait until tomorrow! My memories of getting all eight of us off to church and Sunday School are probably the worst! Fed, well dressed, showered and hair combed were seldom accomplished without a great deal of frustration which sometimes led to an encore of screaming most of the car ride to church. What an awful example, I hope they have forgiven me, as I know God has. The good news is that all six have become well educated, productive citizens and pretty good parents ( one still unmarried at this point). Now, all this great and useful information will be very valuable as I deal more kindly with the dear man I’ve been married to for nearly 48 years…..three seconds, three seconds, three seconds……speak with love!
I appreciate every word you have written here, Ann. Thank you for the loving, forgiving, hopeful person you are. It shines through your words so brightly.
Rachel,
I do not know what made me click on your blog today but I am glad that I did. I am a (swallow pride) stay at home Dad. We raise our wonderful son together but most of the day to day responsibilities fall squarely on my shoulders. So when you were commenting on being late for school, packing lunches, kids crumpled report cards, spouse who forgot to pick up toilet paper at the store… I can relate. I can also relate with my overreactions to my child and spouse and how hurtful a look or words that come out the wrong way (sometimes both tone and context) can be. I really enjoyed your honest self-assessment and I am sure you have made great personal strides since posting this article. From one parent to another, being honest with yourself is the first step to becoming a better person, spouse and parent. Thank you, I will work on loving more, reacting less and taking pause. Well done Rachel.
Thank you, Jason. I appreciate you taking the time to express your understanding of the struggles I shared. I find hope in knowing I am not alone in the feelings I experience but many people don’t talk about. Today I celebrate the way in which you approach doing the most important job in the world–caring for your children. Thank you for taking that hard look inward to see how you can love them even more in that precious time you have together.
I didn’t get to read thru all the comments yet but your post sure did hit the spot with me. It just felt great to know I am not alone right after I lashed out at my loved ones.
I felt plain awful.
This is awesome read. I feel so blessed to have seen it this morning. I have had a lot of these situations myself. I will defiantly getting the bracelet and some books.
I love this! I over react a lot too and feel so ashamed. I still replay things in my mind from years and years ago! Now if I can just learn to do this pause, to think before I speak! I love that you gave her the note. I wouldn’t have and would have said just what you thought. Now it gives me a different perspective and gives me ideas to be able to change! Thank you!
Thank you my kids know me well for my overreacting and cussing …. I will take that pause first for them then for me. I feel like an awful parent then to make myself feel better I say I’m doing my best, not really it’s just an excuse to act like my father and I hated the way he acted. I always said I wouldn’t act that way, and I am
I found this article this morning while searching the Internet for help and advice, or support or anything that said I am not a bad mother. I am a mother of a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter and a sweet 2 year old son. I have postpartum depression and a long childhood past of abuse. With the help of my wonderful husband, God and some medication I am able to make it through each day! I have had many regrets, and it is so hard to get past them with tears in my eyes, telling myself I am not my parents, I can control my temper and that I will try to be better with each day. I have felt alone and that I must be a horrible parent because I have lost my temper or been so sad I could not leave the house and then my kids suffer because I did not take them out to play or was to harsh with them over silly things. You are wonderful because you show parents that they are not alone in having meltdowns, I think it is something parents avoid admitting to other parents. But people like me need the support! I thank you so much for your post and I will share it with others. I have not had time to explore your site yet but it is bookmarked.
My over-reactions are far too many to mention. I have become the kind of mother, wife, friend, that I never wanted to be. Awareness through the distancing of others, particularly my daughter, loudly peels through my head telling me I must change. Thank you for the tips and sharing! Today is more important than yesterday.
You have no idea how much I needed this post in my life right now. Thank you for sharing these powerful insights from your own family. This post will be a significant input into my own changes.
I pray and hope that more bloggers will share and reveal their inner struggles with more honesty and clarity just as you are able to do. Such encouragement is necessary for all of us to live in this day and time. You are a beautiful person! I’m so thankful I saw your post on my cousin’s fb wall! May your day be full of blessing and love 🙂
Thank you for the soul-giving words you have offered me today, Carol. I am grateful.
I immediately thought of the many times in the morning I’ve been so quick to respond or snap out my “well-intentioned” advice – particularly to my 12 YO daughter. And I can now see & recall the disappointment & hurt my words likely brought to her mind & heart. If only I had given just a moment longer. *sigh*
Thank you so much for your blog & this post. So much grace offered & shared in what you have observed & work on in yourself that is so much like what I aspire to achieve as a mom. Your ideas are so simple, which is why I would not think of them myself! But even better, they make sense & WORK to establish a better rapport with my family & others. And I also appreciate the note that today can be better, it is new, and I don’t have to “worry” about how I reacted yesterday or other past days, I was blessed with a new day in today.
Thank you so much for this, your honesty & love. I have read similar posts like this but they are just telling us, not showing us. I shared on my FB page. Encouraged me to write my own “I am my response” – you provided us with a real action item that can help us.
Thank you so much for being REAL and open with us all! I am sitting here in a coffee shop, no makeup, messy hair, wearing who knows what I threw on, by myself, weeping like a little baby. I have a 3 1/2 year old son, another son who just turned 2, and am 16 weeks pregnant with my third son. After only two hours with them this morning I snapped, called my husband, and cussed through the phone about how “I just can’t do this anymore!” My older son ran to his room and HID IN HIS CLOSET! Oh my gosh. My heart was immediately ripped out of my chest. Only a few minutes later I realized I just couldn’t handle my emotions today, or the way they were reacting to the way I was feeling & dropped them both off at my father-in-laws. I wish I had read this sooner, I suddenly feel so much hope that I didn’t think was possible before, and I am so thankful to know that I am not alone and that change is possible! Thank you!
Dear Cassidy, I am so glad you found HOPE in this message because it is there and it is available to you. When I look at your children’s ages, I remember myself at that time. I was exhausted. Plus, you are pregnant, so this adds greatly to your fatigue. I want you to give yourself grace as much as you give the children grace. Remember love doesn’t have to be perfect to be valuable and nurturing. You show up for your babies day after day after day. You do so many little gestures of love that you don’t even recognize because you think it is just your job. Well, all those loving gestures are significant. You showing up is significant. I want you to recognize all that you do RIGHT even though it is human tendency to focus on what we do wrong. I wish you all the best and encourage you to write to me anytime you need support or more ideas for being loving to yourself and peaceful to your babies. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com
Thank you. I am crying right now…well trying not to cry because I am at work. . I really hope that I can remember to do this.
Thank you for being so authentic! Glad I saw your post on my cousin’s fb! Hopefully, there will be more bloggers with your courage and honesty. We all gain strength and hope from reading posts like yours. May your day be filled with blessing and love. 🙂
Thanks for writing this! I go through this so often when I get so frustrated and I yell at my daughter and then a second later, I think I should not have done this and feel so bad.
I hope I can remember to take this pause in the future. Yesterday, when my daughter dropped something on the floor on purpose, I tried to remember to take a pause instead of yelling at her. I calmly asked her to pick it up and put it in the trash and she actually did it.
THANK YOU. I read this post this morning and it had me crying. I have an anger problem and yell at my kids 🙁 I can see the sadness in their eyes when I have my outbursts and I know I need to change it. This post meant SO much to me and I am now off to read every blog post you have ever done. Please know your willingness to share this with the world has meant something to me and inspires me to be a better mom.
Also know the mornings with my three daughters are usually hectic and I usually have a ridiculous outburst of yelling at least once. however, I had this post closely in my mind and heart as I got them ready for school this morning and it was a great morning. I got to send them off to school after a great morning instead of hanging my head in shame. THANK YOU.
I am so touched to read your beautiful, healing, hopeful words, Jessica. There is hope. SO MUCH HOPE in what you have shared here. I have a list of strategies to be more peaceful towards the ones we love as well as a list of resources. Feel free to write me for that list. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. I am so glad you are here, walking beside me on this journey.
I love the comment about you are the response when your parent gives you coupons that you will never use. My gracious daughter-in-law appreciates everything we do for them even if it’s something that is not helpful at that given moment where as I would always refuse any help from my mother-in-law. My daughter-in-law taught me to be more gracious and to be more thankful as have my own daughters themselves.
Pausing before reacting is very helpful and I wish people would think twice before reacting.
This is the first time I have ever commented on any blog. A friend posted a link to this website on Facebook. Thank you for the insight.
Thank you, Joan. I love what you have written about your daughter-in-law and daughters. Also, your kind words about commenting on my blog mean so much to me. I am grateful for your presence in this space today.
Your post was just what I needed to read today. I struggle with anger, too, and blurting things out that I later regret. I still ‘replay’ my outbursts from years ago and wish so much that I could go back in time and make them right; do the kind thing–heal instead of hurt. Your coping method is good and I’ll try it. I find that when I really spend time asking God for more LOVE and more PATIENCE it does seem to help…but I have to keep asking! When I get in trouble is when I get too busy to pray. I think that God always answers prayers for things that He has said He wants us to have. That’s what is meant by ‘asking according to His will’–we can expect those prayers to be granted, I believe.
This is the first time reading your blog. Although my children are grown, I have a need still for the 3-second pause. In the car, with my husband, my parents…it was perfect timing to read your words about over reaction and regret. Thank you.
Wow…This is a great post. I needed to hear this today. Being home alone all day with a strong willed 2year old, that knows exactly how to push my buttons, is not easy. And I regret the times that I have over reacted and those times are too many. I think I need to make a big sign in my house that says Only Love Today. It would be the perfect reminder for everyone…..Maybe the signs on the freeway need to say Only Love Today, for us moms driving with a screaming kid in the car.
A couple weeks ago, my husband and I took our two adult kids to a restaurant. At the end, we were using a Groupon and my husband’s phone was dying. I suggested he go pay right away before the phone died. He didn’t. I kept at him. Finally, one of the kids said “This is painful” and when I asked what was, they said it was our back and forth “bickering”. It made me laugh and in a way made me regret that I just didn’t let it go after my first suggestion.
“Only Love Today” That phrase made me gasp out loud. From now on, when I’m about to go down the frustrated road, I will chose this road instead. They only need love; not frustrated words because they have yet to learn a skill. They need only love; not anger because something isn’t going smoothly. They need only love; not my sleep deprived brain. Giggles, laughter, understanding…my goals. I’m sure it will come back to me in spades if I can just hold out that 3 seconds to let “Only Love Today” do it’s magic. Thanks so much for this post!!!!
I do a (popular!) talk to moms on anger management for parents. I am giving them this link net time I talk! Great information I wish I had had earlier and which will benefit them so much. The simple realization that you are not alone, and that there are was to change patterns, help healing begin. Thank you for being honest.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, drowning in mom guilt, I thank you for writing this. Tuesday night was one of the worst nights with my four year old. Mostly because I did not take a compassionate loving path. Instead i chose yelling and ignoring. I have been consumed with this guilt for two days. Especially because his dad and I have split custody and I didn’t have my son last night to repair the situation. I think tonight I’m going to meditate and repeat your mantras.
Thank you. From now on, I will practice the 3 second rule. From now on, I will strive to be a more compassionate, patient, loving mommy. The person I want to be.
It’s great that you had that 3-second pause and were able to help your daughter soooo much. It seems like it helped you to. I also respect how you can see and appreciate your own growth. I am better at recognizing my faults than at recognizing my strengths.
I totally agree with you in every single word you said above. i am a mother of 2 year old toddler and dealing with 8 months old pregnancy with a part time freelancing and dealing with my mother in law too! all these things just make me loose self control. but your blog is going to help me a lot while making breakfast, while my boy wakes up at night, while my MIL says rude things.. while i work..every time when i can lose myself, your post will make me stronger from tomorrow. I am so thankful to you for this. Thank you so much from a tired mom who needed hope and right words 🙂
This means a great deal to me, Saima. Thank you so much for letting me know how my words impacted you and also for giving me a glimpse at the positive changes you see in the future. I wish you all the best.
Definitely something to think about and live by! I have walked in your shoes, I am ashamed to say. How simple the solution, yet so very hard to see most often.
Thank you for sharing
There couldn’t be more perfect time for me to find this post. I just finished having an argument with my wife, after a week where we almost found our own ways. Thank you so much for reminding that we can make the difference by changing our response, no matter how things and people are around us. Patience
and love.
I am frequently reactionary and impulsive…even with my kids (21 and 23). When I saw the 3 second comment, I thought, “Wait, 3 seconds…I CAN DO THAT!” This was great….never read you before and I’m now a fan. Love the authenticity. We are all just doing the best we can. That’s what I’d like to think anyway
God is as near as your next breath…respond to your circumstances with His love. You’ll be glad you did.
Dear Rachel,
I am the direct reflection of an over-stressed, spread-to-thin, trying to be everything to everyone woman who is trying so desperately to change the way I react to the not so perfect day. I have been reading your blog for close to a year and your words of wisdom have been a true blessing. The reactions you mentioned….I have done all of those….many times. My oldest daughter is 9, my middle daughter is 7, and my son is 2. My two girls prophetically apologize for the most mundane things….out of fear of making mommy mad. It pains me because I created that fear. With your help. ..I am changing. The wounds are healing but the scars remain. I know this because when we have a hectic morning. ..the girls begin to overly apologize for everything. Our children have been the greatest gift Jesus has ever given my husband and I. They are truly amazing, kind, and considerate little people. They have healed my heart as only children can do. I pray I can continue to evolve, let go of the past, and heal my children’s hearts. I pray they know how very much their mommy loves them.
Very well said. I think this article hits home with every single person that has a child. Or not for that matter. You touched on points I think we feel but can’t or don’t express and when we are reminded of something so simple that has the power to change the entire outcome of a situation. I love it.
You will be ok. 🙂
Rachel, I delayed reading this post until today, and I’m so glad I did. I just finished writing an infertility memoir, and am having second thoughts about publishing it. In the book I describe many situations where I react with anger and jealousy. Now that I have children, these feelings have subsided, but I regret the reactions. I worry my readers will think I’m a monster or a basket case. However, I have learned from the reactions and am more peaceful and empathetic.
Your willingness to disclose your reactions has given me the courage to forgive myself and hopefully move forward with publishing. 🙂 Thank you for the work you do!
Wow. This is very meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for courageously sharing your own difficult truths so someone can say, “Me too.” There is so much more hope when we realize we are not alone in our struggles.
Very inspiring & true in my household…..it NEEDS to change……thanks for the insight!
Thank you for being real and sharing your experiences.. I needed to see this today
I am overreaction. Been talking care of my stepson that has the flu for the last 3 days. No relief. Got tired of seeing him wipe his boogers on the couch too many times. I snapped. Overreacted. The guilt and shame are unbearable sometimes. But that’s the key word. unBEARable. That’s what I become. Must find solice. Must find peace.
One word:
BRILLIANT
thank you!
My son was murdered at 18 he was struggling with a football injury and addiction and I was so tired of trying to help him make good choices. I felt so frustrated and helpless and I am so grateful that the last time spoke with him I did it with compassion and kindness. I need to remember what a difference it would have made in my life had it gone the other way, not sure if I could have lived with myself.
So glad I read this. This could be us on any given morning. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
beautiful i wish i read this years ago; i come from a reactor and become a reactor instead thinking things through. i have raised a family of reactors without realizing it until my older girl left the nest. We do better but we still like to control situations but now with greater mercy and compassion.
This hit home with me, & it made me take a step back to reevaluate the way I react & respomd to EVERYONE!
Thank you for you xx
I really admire your desire to encourage people to better themselves and become the person they want to be. I also admire that you make yourself transparent and real. It is also really important to stress that it is Jesus Christ that can change their heart and actions. If one was to only rely on themselves they will eventually fail and become discouraged over time. While you offer some wonderful ideas and eye openers the bottom line is the relationship with the Lord. I know you mentioned God ….however it is the acceptance of Jesus into ones heart that real change can begin. May God Bless you and be reminded that without Him ….we are nothing and He is to get all the glory!!
Thank you for this article. I suffer from an anxiety/panic disorder, and thus in almost every situation that does not go my way or rather the way I planned out for it to go in my head, I overreact. I have recently been looking for ways to help myself thing more clearly and let go of some of the control and anger that I cling to so tightly. I look forward to those three seconds before I react. Maybe this will open my mind to other ways of dealing with my stress/anxiety. Thank you, thank you!!!
WOW!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HIT HOME RIGHT NOW! 2 DAYS AGO I WAS AT THE LOWEST LOW HERE. WE JUST MOVED CROSS COUNTRY TWICE IN 1 YEAR, BOUGHT AND SOLD HOUSES EACH TIME, MY HUSBAND STARTED WORKING A STRESSFUL JOB AND MOVED AHEAD OF US, BOTH TIMES; I MOVED EVERYTHING BY MYSELF AND I HAVE 3 KIDS: 3,6,10. THE STRESS OF THE KIDS ADJUSTMENT, WANTING TO MAKE THINGS PERFECT FOR THEM (BECAUSE IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT WE WERE MOVING, WHY SHOULD THEY SUFFER?), SIGNING THEM UP FOR MILLIONS THINGS SO THAT THEY CAN MEET FRIENDS FASTER, TAKING THE 3 YR OLD TO ACTIVITIES SO THAT SHE IS NOT BORED, ALL THE WHILE UNPACKING THE HOUSE,… I THINK IT ALL GOT TO ME. SO, WHEN MY 3 YR OLD PEED IN HER CLOTHES WHEN WE JUST ARRIVED TO THE TOILET AT THE 6 YR OLD’S HIP HOP CLASS, I STARTED CRYING. SO HARD THAT MY TODDLER WHO WAS WET WITH PEE KEPT SAYING “I AM SORRY MOMMY” AND KISSING ME. I WARNED THE OTHER 2 THAT AT THIS POINT, I WAS NOT FEELING WELL AND THIS HAD BEEN VERY STRESSFUL TO PLEASE TAKE IT EASY TILL WE GET HOME AND I COULD WASH THE LITTLE ONE AND THEN QUICKLY MAKE DINNER AS HIP HOP ENDS AT 5:30. THE MINUTE WE GOT IN THE CAR, THE 2 OLDER ONES STARTED FIGHTING, AS THEY USUALLY DO… AND I LOST IT. I STARTED SCREAMING, YELLING, CRYING. THEY THOUGHT I GOT POSSESSED. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF AFTERWARDS. I FELT LIKE I WAS IN A PRESSURE COOKER AND FINALLY, I EXPLODED. IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF TIME, AND IT MIGHT HAPPEN AGAIN AS THERE IS NO TIME TO REST. THE KIDS DRAG OUT BED TIME TILL 9:30, THE HOMEWORK HAS TO BE DONE, DINNER TO BE MADE, MY HUSBAND IS VERY STRESSED OUT AT WORK… I NEED MOMENTS FOR MYSELF. WE JUST MOVED HERE SO KNOW NO ONE, NO BABYSITTER, NO PRESCHOOLS ARE AVAILABLE HALF WAY THROUGH THE YEAR,…. READING YOUR POST HELPED ME REALIZE THAT I AM TAKING MY JOB WAY TOO SERIOUSLY (TYPE A PROBLEM), AND I NEED TO LIGHTEN UP SO THAT I DON’T MISS OUT ON HAVING A HAPPY LIFE WITH MY KIDS. I DON’T WANT THEM TO REMEMBER ME AS THE FREAK WHO SHOUTS IN THE CAR, SCREAMS AND HURRIES THEM UP ALL THE TIME. I WANT, I NEED ONE OF THOSE BRACELETS, SO I CAN LOOK DOWN AND SEE THE REMINDER. I WILL TRY TO BREATH FOR 3 SEC BEFORE I OVERREACT AGAIN, BUT I WILL TRY TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF AND REALIZE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN FROM TIME TO TIME AND I NEED THAT TO BE LESS OFTEN THAN IT HAS BEEN. ANYWAY, THANK YOU! I AM VERY INTERESTED IN YOUR BOOK TOO, SO WILL BE GETTING THAT SOON. BEST.
I loved this! Really hits home with me, thanks for posting.
One day when my 4 oldest boys were very young, I came walking down the hallway and noticed someone had taken a rag and rubbed it awkwardly, leaving streaks on the door. I yelled loudly, “Who washed the door?” Because obviously it was a lousy job and they were bla bla bla… At that moment I saw my son so innocently look at me with the rag in his hand and in that split second I saw he was trying to help me clean. In that next split second I yelled just as loudly how wonderful it looked and how happy I was for his help. I scooped him up and he giggled as I thought to myself what a cruddy mom I was but in that moment I made the right choice. I think about that a lot when I make snap decisions that I regret and snap decisions I am proud of.
I feel like you took a page out of a typical day in my life! Every day I resolve to do better. And every day brings new failures. Sometimes I just throw my hands up and give in. I grumble and grouse and yell and throw or bang cabinet doors. And my children well up with tears and I see their confusion, their fear. And sometimes that doesn’t effect me anymore. I feel justified in my anger. A tiny bit of it, but I’m reluctant to let any of it go because I’m afraid that I’ll be ‘caving’ and they’ll be ‘getting away’ with whatever they’ve done that’s set me off. I’m too tired to find the middle ground. No, I’m too impatient. Too busy. Too guilty. I’m up at quarter til midnight on the computer again when I could be in bed. Tomorrow I’m likely to be grumpy because I’ll be tired. And now I hear the baby, so I know I’ll be up for at least another hour. Why do I do this to myself? Tomorrow is another day. I know there’s hope. I’ve seen it here and in other places. Thank you.
This multiple home business owning, father of three, homeschooling, stay at home dad and husband needed to read this today. Today was “one of those days”. I’m thankful that I somehow happened upon this site through my friend’s facebook post. You’ve inspired me to start taking 3 seconds to preview my responses. I can’t say I will succeed every time, but I will certainly be pursuing this. I spent half of the day being angry with my kids for giving me a hard time with school today, and the other half angry with myself for my responses to them. I needed to read this today.
THANK YOU!
Thank you again for another wonderful reminder … I have tears running down my face. I’m going online now to buy your book! There’s been too many posts I’ve read from you that have rung true. Thank you!
I am the co-worker with sad eyes and frequent absences. I recently learned that my cancer, now Stage IV, has returned but you don’t know that yet because I am still trying to summon the courage to tell my children first. And I have learned that it is so much easier to be gentler, to be kinder when I remember that we all have burdens that we bear quietly. We all struggle to do the best we can. We are all human.
My heart goes out to you, dear Deanna. Thank you for sharing. You will enlighten someone today. May we all be a little kinder, a little more gentler. Sending love, light, and strength to you, dear one.
P.S. You might find strength in my friend Garth Callaghan’s story. He is the Napkin Notes Dad. The part of his book that sticks out in my mind the most is when he had to tell his daughter his cancer had returned. If you would like me to put you in touch with him, I would be honored to do that. My email is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
Garth’s blog – http://www.napkinnotesdad.com (book can be found there)
Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/napkinnotes
I read a paraphrase of Eph. 4:29 “Only speak words that make souls stronger.” I try to remind myself of that before I react to a stressful, upsetting, etc. situation. Now I am also going to try to remind myself to take a “three-second pause” ! Your words were truly an inspiration to me. Thank you for this post!!
Hi Rachel,
I hear your concerns and your desire to love your family. What you need is a true source of love, patience and hope. It is available to you and your whole family from Jesus who died for us and took all our regrets, our errors and our sins and nailed them to the cross. He is the only and True Source and will provide you with all the love you need and more. Read the gospels read the Psalms read all of His word and discover His love for you also. He is the only One who teaches us to love others first and He is the only One who can and will bring us to the Father and fill us with His word and His Spirit. Salvation comes through no one else but through Jesus our Savior. He is willing and waiting. He wants to be your Savior, Rachel, yes yours too.
Beautifully said! I’m a first grade teacher, and this was a good reminder of how I respond to my students and their parent. Thanks for sharing!
Rachel,
I have perused many blogs, but few make the impression on me that yours has. Enough to comment, which I never do. I try to explain my approach to life but have never been able to come up with the right words. You have and I thank you for that.
A few months ago, my 12 year old daughter waited until I was walking out the door for work to freak out because she couldn’t find an assignment she needed to turn in. I work as an NP in a busy oncology clinic and cannot be late. We didn’t find the homework during our frantic search, but my daughter did find herself on the receiving end of a nasty rant about her lack of organization. So…she’s mad and feeling bad about herself and I stomp out to the car feeling irate and….something. As I backed the car out of the driveway, I pictured how my daughter was feeling and what her day would be like, potentially. I wasn’t feeling very good about myself either. I took a deep breath, and “Nope. Not leavin like this…” I pulled back in the driveway and went in the house. No one was more surprised than my daughter when I walked up to her, said “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad, I was frustrated but I should not have acted like that. I love you and want you to have a good day. How can I help?” It turns out the assignment was for gym class (? since when is there homework for volleyball?) and she thought if she missed one assignment she would fail the class, not pass 7th grade and get held back. (I have since internally nicknamed her “The Catastrophic Thinker”). I explained that one missed P.E. assignment would not lead to failing 7th grade and offered to email her teacher that we were looking for it. Everyone went forward much happier. and what did I miss? an extra cup of coffee or 10 minutes to chit chat with my coworkers? Whatevs. I don’t always make the right decision but I knew I nailed it that time ☺️. Looking forward to reading your blog on the regular!
This is so powerful and amazing. Thanks for sharing this.
You have so cogently expressed the heavy bag of regrets that I pull along behind me everyday. I see those moments that deserved grace and attentiveness and loving kindness, and I really, really dislike the me I was then. Strung tight like a guitar string just before a tiny twist that would strain it to seperate suddenly and recoil, I was a person I seldom liked.
I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know it could be fixed. I didn’t know there were options. Now that I am in my 60s and see with eyes slowed down because of retirement, I spend too much time with my rain boots on, splashing through a whole lake of regrets.
Those are bitter waters I slosh through. There is no way to go back to those moments and with more knowledge, better skills, and a stronger backbone find that different ending. There is no way now, to make it “right.”
I am sorry, are words totally inadequate to the things I have said. Words are powerful, and I have uttered too many that sliced to the bone on people I love.
My shell that protects me from ripping off thousands of bandaids stuck to the scabs of my wounds, has finally become strong enough to be able to NOT always “go there.” I still do, locked into a reactionary mental space that reverts, regresses back to what is familiar. But now, with the luxuary of time, sometimes now, I can catch myself before I hurt another.
My lake of regret is at least not being fed by a watershed that continues to bring more and more flood waters in. I would like to think the water supply has met a drought.
I hope on that day I find my consciousness before a consciousness that will look through my bandaids and see the wounded me, that I will be given the grace and forgiveness I wasn’t able to give many times. Regret stays with you. It can eat at the present; give the poison to another generation. Mostly though, I slow down. I just slow down; adjust priorities, adjust expectations. It is ok to admit inadequacies, say no, be up-front about my frailties.
It is having and making time that at least stops the lake of regret from growing. Be compassionate. Just be emotionally naked and be compassionate. It is the only second chance you will get to stop yesterday from spoiling today, and maybe even tomorrow.
Wow! This might be interfering but the words you wrote Joann were so poetic and rhythmical. It’s certainly not a nice way to be feeling and I really feel for you but I read your words and felt like you should be writing a book!!! Maybe you could write a book and give it to all the people that you feel like you’ve done an injustice to? That way, you can have closure to some of the things you’re feeling … Sorry if I’m intruding Rachel but I felt compelled to write how I felt. I hope your water/lake keeps seeing drought Joann. Hugs. XXX
I totally agree with you, Brigitte. Joann is an eloquent, powerful writer. Please keep writing, Joann! The way you express pain and suffering is a gift to all who read your words.
Rachel- as I read your 3 second pause post I thought of someone you should get to know. someone, you probably already know, but just in case: cheryl strayed. she wrote a book called “tiny, beautiful things”. she also wrote something called “wild”. kindred spirit I think. thanks for caring.
Obe
Just what I need at this point. Thanks a lot for this.