“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” ~author unknown
I recently took a weeklong trip in celebration of my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. The excursion was perfect except for the fact that work commitments prevented my husband from joining us. Perhaps it was because my daughters mentioned daily how much they missed their daddy that I began noticing many attentive fathers along our travels.
One particular night, we found ourselves on the outskirts of a dance floor. As the talented musicians played the first notes to “Cupid Shuffle,” children flocked to the center and began moving excitedly to the beat.
I marveled at the one lone father who scooped up his youngest daughter, held the hand of his other child, and summoned his lovely wife out to the dance floor. Praying I did not look like a stalker, I stole glances at this loving father who so clearly was a constant source of laughter, fun, and spontaneity in his family.
I had to smile to myself as I watched the children delight in their dad’s silly antics because I knew if my husband were with us he would be engaging our family the same way.
And while experiencing this tangible longing for presence of my own lively husband, I came to a conclusion.
There’s something special about the way dads live life.
And this space (which happens to be called “Hands Free Mama”) seems like the perfect place to explain what that something special is.
Most dads are instinctively “Hands Free” parents—meaning that “grasping the moments that matter” comes naturally to them.
Let me explain.
Speaking from experience here, “letting go to grasp what really matters” is something I have to work at, to strive for—whether it is letting go of distraction, perfection, or unnecessary pressure on myself, I have to make a conscious choice to do so. And I’ll admit, some days I struggle to let go.
Where I have the tendency to overthink things, the man in my life shrugs and says, “We’ll work out the details later.”
Where I have the tendency to make a 25-step plan, my husband says, “Let’s just wing it.”
Where I have the tendency to sweat about the small stuff, my spouse reminds me, “It’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of life.”
A few weeks ago, our children asked, “Can we have a lemonade stand?”
While my overactive mind was considering sticky kitchen counters, pop-up thunderstorms, and a severe shortage of customers, my husband piped up, “Sure. Let me help you set up.”
I’ve noticed that my daughter, who recently learned to skate, asks her dad (rather than me) if he wants to join her for a glide around the block after dinner.
Maybe it’s because she knows that while I am thinking about her getting sweaty, overly excited, or injured right before bedtime, her dad quickly replies with, “Sure. Let’s do a lap.”
So it made perfect sense that one day, out the blue, my older daughter said, “You know what I love about Daddy? I love that when I ask him to do something with me, he always says YES.”
Yes.
Yes to reading a few more pages before lights out.
Yes to making homemade ice cream and getting adventurous with the flavoring.
Yes to hitting golf balls into the ravine behind our house.
Yes to grabbing some crickets and a fishing pole and heading down to the lake.
And as I reflect on my childhood, I think about my dad saying YES an awful lot.
And when I think about my own wonderful uncles and the uncles of my children, I think of the many, many times they have said, “Sure. Why not?”
A reader of my blog recently paid me the ultimate compliment. She said I have given a name to the best kind of parenting: “Hands Free.” Although I would love nothing more than to take the credit, I simply can’t. If I am being honest, I must give credit to the source of much of my “Hands Free” inspiration.
My dad
My husband
And the many remarkable guys I have been blessed to meet in my life and through this blog.
And chances are, whether you realized it or not, there is probably a “Hands Free” guy in your life.
Perhaps today is the day you give him a name for the kind of parenting he does. Perhaps today is the day he becomes aware that someone has noticed all the times he opened his hands and said YES to what really matters.
A “Hands Free” Dad …
-makes pancakes on Saturday morning and allows his miniature baking assistants to stir and flip despite the mess and giggly mayhem that erupts.
-has laugh lines around his eyes from manual labor under the hot sun, memorable days spent on the beach, and the ability to laugh at himself.
-doesn’t expect perfection from his kids—in fact, he understands better than anyone that mistakes don’t define you; they are just part of growing up.
A “Hands Free” Dad …
-builds self-confidence as he patiently teaches his brand new driver how to check the oil, change a tire, and make cautious left turns.
-openly shows affection for the mother of his children—delighting in the way her eyes twinkle when he unexpectedly kisses her in front of the kids.
-sits on uncomfortable small chairs, hard bleachers in the pouring rain, and at the homework table for countless hours so he can be a part of his child’s world and memory bank.
A “Hands Free” Dad …
-demonstrates kindness through action, rather than words—mowing his elderly neighbor’s yard, spending his weekend building someone else a home, and buying a hot meal for a man whose hope is as thin as his threadbare pants.
-quietly creeps in to watch the angelic faces of his children as they sleep, feeling overwhelming gratitude that they are his to love.
-defines a perfect day as one with a blue sky, cold beverages, and the love of his family by his side.
A “Hands Free” Dad …
-feels an emotional rush when he sees that little face light up simply because he walked in the door.
-tells his love she is more beautiful than she was on their wedding day at precisely the moment she needs to hear it.
-endures piercing screams as he steadies the back of a wobbly bike until terror turns to triumph, and he hears a jubilant voice exclaim, “Look Daddy! I’m pedaling! I’m pedaling!”
A “Hands Free” Dad …
-scoops up the early morning visitor who arrives at his bedside in pajamas-clad feet even though he knows this cuddling session will be the end of his peaceful slumber.
-gets choked up simply by hearing the words, “I love you, Daddy.”
-prays every single night that they will never be too big for him to hold.
See, there’s this thing about dads and the way they live life. Granted, it’s not perfect, and it may be messy at times; it may not be the way I do it, and perhaps it’s not the way you do it, but there is value in it; I am talking about life-changing, soul-touching value. And if you look closely you can see it.
It’s in the piggy back ride.
It’s in the hammering project the two of them have in the garage.
It’s in the whiskers that gently rub against her face and the “Daddy smell” she breaths in as she smiles.
It’s in the arm around the shoulder after a tough game.
It’s in their noisy jam session.
It’s in that jubilant sound of joyous laughter that only their daddy can produce.
It’s in their faces … oh yes, the way their daddy makes life worth living radiates in their precious faces.
If the man in your life knows how to “let go to grasp what really matters,” step back, admire him, celebrate him, learn from him, and be sure to say “Thank you.”
Recognize him for the way he lives his life: with open hands—which just happens to be the most nurturing and wonderful place for a child to grow.
***********************************************
To the guys who read “Hands Free Mama,” leave heartfelt comments on the blog and in my inbox, and diligently attempt “Hands Free” tactics at home …
To the guy who received this from someone who loves him …
To the guys who have been parenting “Hands Free” before I even created this blog …
And to anyone whose life circumstances require him or her to play the role of “dad” which you have graciously accepted …
THANK YOU.
Thank you for being the parent that you are. Thank you for living life with open hands.
Happy Father’s Day.
*If you found value in this message, please share it with a “Hands Free” dad in your life.
** If you are interested in letting go to grasp what really matters, join the revolution! Daily inspiration to “let go and live” can be found here.
Lovely, Rachel. I need this reminder. I wish I was this kind of dad. At least, I wish I was this dad more often. As always, you’re captured just what it is about living “hands free” that seems so simple yet so elusive. I’ll be meditating on this on my drive home today.
Chris, thank you for the comment. I always appreciate your honesty and thoughtful responses, in fact, it is you who inspired me to include the perspective of a father who wants so badly to do right by his children, but often wonders if he is doing “enough.” One of my readers once told me (when I was being quite hard on myself about past mistakes and short-comings) that if I wasn’t such a good parent, I wouldn’t think so often and so intensely about how I was doing as a parent. I think that notion applies to you. I think the fact that you are willing to go to those difficult truths and constantly evaluate how you are doing as a parent reveals how invested you are. I hope in the days leading up to Father’s Day you will focus on the positives, the many things you do right as a father. I was at a wedding this past weekend and when I complimented the father on his relationship with his daughter he said, “I have made a lot of mistakes raising my kids, but I have always loved them right.” Keep that in mind, my friend.
Such a beautiful post. And so true. My husband definitely says Yes more than I do. There is definitely so much to learn from the Daddies in our lives.
Thank you, Tricia. I am so happy to know the man in your life is an inspiration to you, too. Thanks for the lovely comment.
What a powerful post – and all of it so true. Thank you.
And thank you for the kind words. 🙂
I’m so blessed to have a man like that in my life vi definitely sweat the small stuff too much and he reminds me to relax and take one day at a time.
How inspiring that you recognize the blessing that your dear one brings to your life, Kimberly. Thank you for sharing.
Well said! You continue to inspire me to be a better mom and wife. It’s so easy to forget all of the good in your spouse when you are faced with the daily mundane things that need to get done. In reading your blog, I have come to realize that even these mundane things can become beautiful memories! I don’t say thank you enough to my husband! But I realized today that he is a “hands free” daddy! Thank you for the reminder to appreciate everyone and every moment you have with them!!
Thank you so much, Carrie! I am so glad this post served as a gentle reminder to be grateful for our partners and also to appreciate the ordinary moments. I need these reminders as much as anyone else does! I am so grateful to share them with such a supportive community. Thank you for being here.
What a wonderful article. Men somehow maintain their child within and are able to live in the moment. Happy Father’s Day to all of the wonderful father’s out there! I feel so fortunate to have my father still with me and to be blessed for my children to have a wonderful father.
That is really a beautiful and powerful sentiment. I couldn’t agree more! Thank you, Cindy!
My wife sent me this post (she’s an avid reader/fan of yours btw). It sent chills down my spine and warms my heart to hear our essence as men expressed so clearly.
More important is what a blessing it is to have my wife compliment me for being good at being “Hands Free”.
But my most important thought from reading this is how much I value her for being “Hands On”. That is what makes her a great mom, and us a great team.
I would love your next post to be about what makes your teaming at home great, and how we can all learn to appreciate and embrace those differences. As men and specifically as my wife’s husband and partner, the MOST important question I need help answering is:
“How can I help my wife be more ‘hands free’ by me being more ‘hands on’?”
After all, as you point out it’s not in our nature as men to be hands on just as it may not be in yours to be hands free. So with gentle a hands-on nature, please share the action plan to help us men grow in your direction too. 🙂
Thank you for the meaningful comment, Mark. It thrills me to know this message was shared with you as a means of saying “thank you” because that was my ultimate hope when writing this message. I am intrigued by and appreciative of your post request. I will definitely give it some thought and see if the inspiration hits. I typically take an idea and process it for awhile before it becomes a post. In the meantime, I have a few posts that you might find helpful given your interest in learning more ways to be “hands on” which will enable your wife to be more “hands free”:
Hope for the Imperfect Parent: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/04/hope-for-the-imperfect-parent/
Are You Available? http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/11/17/are-you-available/
To The One I Love: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/01/12/to-the-one-i-love/
Mark, here is one more article that addresses the issue you brought up. Written by a man for fathers, it is more powerful than anything I could ever write on the subject of being a “hands on dad.”
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-16/opinion/pearlman.fathers.day_1_stay-at-home-parent-stay-at-home-mothers-wake?_s=PM:OPINION
May I love my family with such fervent, patient, and tenacious freedom and stability that my greatest legacy will not be a house, a 401k, or finally opening up to them on my deathbed, but will in fact be too much for them to describe, too much a part of them to decipher, and too valuable to keep it from their own loved ones they will steward.
And thank you dear hands free lady for reminding me once again why I do what I do.
This is one of the most beautiful sentiments about being a loving and present parent that I have ever read. I am blown away by the power and determination of your words. What a gift you have left here for me and the readers of my blog. I am so inspired. Thank you, Brion.
Thank you for your words. Every post comes to me just when I need it the most.
While my husband works 24/7, every moment he has with our children is hands free…and I love it. But, then I, who am desperately trying to become more hands free (which is tough when you’re the “on”parent 24/7), end up with the clean up…it’s tough to live with the mess, but I don’t think I’ll ever look back and wish I cleaned more. 🙂
Thank you, Mark Piening, for your comments regarding this beautifully written piece. While I’m fortunate to have a husband who parents somewhat “hands free,” I couldn’t help but feel a tad flustered at the idea that dads tend to just naturally come by this, while moms tend to need to parent with more control, less ease, and therefore, have to learn to be “hands free.” I’m not sure these are natural tendencies, or if they are propped up by social pressures. (It may be a little of both!)
I appreciate Mark’s willingness to acknowledge the need for a husband to be more “hands on” so that his wife can feel more free to be “hands free.” That mutual support for taking care of the not-so-fun messes and details can go a long way in helping both parents feel more open to parenting “hands free!”
Rachel,
My wife posted this on FB in honor of me for Fathers Day. I came across is as I checked updates one last time before drifting off to sleep. I study leadership and work hard to be a great influencer and motivator in the workplace. That being said, I know that my leadership must begin at home. Not to get long winded, I simply wanted to say thank you for recognizing the Dads who model “hands free” parenting. And of course, thank you to my wife, Amber, who has encouraged me to take notice of your blog.
Sincere Thanks,
Chad
Thank you, Chad. What a beautiful message. To know you are out there, loving your wife and your children this way brings a little hope to my day … and a little more hope to the world.
I completely agree!! I myself am VERY blessed to be married to a man such as this….who ALWAYS tells his boys yes, always makes time to practice playing ball, always takes the time to teach them how to hammer, very often starts a loud tickle time session just before bed….but I see the light and love in the eyes of my children when they look at him and it warms my heart! The memories he is building are price-less! Thank you for your beautiful words!
Like Freda, I bristle at the idea of this coming naturally to dads. Being married to a man who struggles greatly (or, more accurately, rarely struggles) with being “hands free” is a challenge. Still, I appreciate your honoring of and reflection on your husband and father. Could you next post something that could be shared with “hands off” dads to encourage them? 😉 No one would be fooled if I shared this with my husband to inspire him. Or maybe some other reader here has read something written by a dad for a dad…?
Thank you for the request. I think this article, written by a man for other dads, addresses the issue you described in a truly eye-opening way that is more powerful than anything I could ever write. It is called “A Father’s Day Wish: Dads, Wake The Hell Up,” and I featured it in my post called, “Thanks to the Guy Who Put Down the Phone.” Here are the links:
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-16/opinion/pearlman.fathers.day_1_stay-at-home-parent-stay-at-home-mothers-wake?_s=PM:OPINION
“Thanks to the Guy Who Put Down the Phone:” http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/12/05/thanks-to-the-guy-who-put-down-the-phone/
You might also find this post I wrote helpful: “Dear Distracted Dad” http://www.handsfreemama.com/2010/12/13/dear-distracted-dad/
Best of luck!
Rachel, it is, as always, a lovely post. As you know I am a “hands-free dad” but I am going to tell you a secret about why: I stink at multi-tasking. There I have said it. Oh, and gadgetry befuddles me, that’s the other truth to it. That’s basically why I am a “hands-free Dad,” well that and the looks of love I get as a volunteer at the school, the hugs I get so freely before bed, the sweet secrets I get to share throwing a ball in the backyard and, this especially, being “hands-free” lets me know my boys, there is no app for that.
One time one of my sons, perhaps three at the time, asked me in a grocery store line if he could dance. I said “Yes, son, you can always dance.”
And we danced…
thank you so…
I don’t usually have time to read blogs because I’m so busy but this is the second of yours I’ve read and it’s truly worth the time. Unfortunately for me and my 2 boys, my husband is very negative about the kids’ requests and says that when I say yes all the time, I’m spoiling them. I would like to send him this article and I fervently hope he’ll take it to heart. Thank you for letting me know there are fathers out there like my own, who would carve little boats out of balsa on a rainy day so we could float them in the sidewalk canals 🙂
I really appreciate this comment. I love knowing that something in my post solidified your belief in being a YES-type of parent. I do hope that your husband has a change of heart, to see that there is incredible value in being present, engaged, and “Hands Free” in the raising of a child. Your father sounds like a very special man … may you continue to follow in his footsteps. Thank you for taking the time read my blog and share your thoughts.
Hi, Rachel! You don’t know me, but I adore your blog and have just nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award. The details are on my blog at http://www.ateachablemom.com. I hope you’ll accept this award and pass it on! I’m looking forward to getting to know you through our blogging! Have a great weekend!
Best, Mary N.
I have posted this for my husband on fb as a father’s day message with a thank you for being such a great daddy to our boys. I am also printing two copies to put in our boys books with handwritten notes about why I think they have the best father around. Thank you for this. Have a beautiful day!
How lovely, Jennifer! I am truly honored and thrilled to know you have shared my post in such a meaningful way. Thank you!
I love your blog. And I loved this reminder…as I started reading I was thinking if I would consider my husband (whom I adore and is an AMAZING father) ‘hands-free’. And as I keep reading and my eyes filled with tears I heard the resounding ‘YES’ you talked about. Our daughter delights in him because he delights in her at every possible moment he can. Thank you for the reminder to say ‘Yes’ more…even if it’s just for one more book. 🙂