During the two years of my overly distracted life, I communicated more to a screen than to the people in my family. My schedule was so tightly packed that I constantly found myself saying, “We don’t have time for that.” And because there wasn’t a minute to spare, that meant no time to relax, be silly, or marvel at interesting wonders along our path. I was so focused on my “agenda” that I lost sight of what really mattered.
Calling all the shots was a mean voice in my head. My internal drill sergeant was continually pushing me to make everything sound better, look better, and taste better. My body, my house, and my achievements were never good enough. Holding myself to such unattainable standards weighed heavily on my soul and my inner turmoil eventually spilled out at people I loved the most.
Sadly, there was one person in particular who bore the brunt of my discontent: my first-born daughter.
She could not make mess without me shaking my head in disappointment.
She could not forget her homework, her jacket, or her lunchbox without me making a big deal about it.
She could not spill,
stain,
break,
or misplace
without being made to feel like she’d made the worst mistake in the world.
Although it pains me to write this, I remember sighing heavily in annoyance when she fell down and hurt herself because it threw me off my “master schedule.” My daughter was not allowed to be a child who learned by trying and yes, sometimes failing.
The truth hurts, but the truth heals … and brings me closer to the person and parent I want to be.
Every time I came down hard on my daughter, I justified my behavior by telling myself I was doing it to help her—help her become more responsible, capable, efficient, and prepare for the real world.
I told myself I was building her up.
But in reality, I was tearing her down.
I vividly remember the day my mother was visiting from out-of-town. The children were playing alone in the basement. My younger daughter began crying hysterically. I ran downstairs fearing she was seriously hurt.
The first question out of my mouth was directed at my older daughter. “What did you do?” I asked angrily.
My child didn’t bother to explain that her little sister had slipped on the library book that was sitting on the bottom step. There really was no point. My beautiful child with humongous brown eyes that once held so much optimism looked defeated. Silent tears of a broken spirit slid down her face. My daughter knew it didn’t matter what she said, she’d still be wrong; it would still be her fault.
And there was my mother standing beside her, a silent witness to the whole ugly scene.
As my older daughter ran off to the sanctity of her bedroom, an unexpected question came out of my mouth. “You think I am too hard on her, don’t you?” I snapped.
My mom, who’d experienced her own difficult parenting moments and struggles, held no judgment in her eyes, only sadness. Her simple response of “yes” only confirmed what I knew in my heart.
I mustered up the courage to find the words that needed to be said. Apologizing didn’t come easily for someone who strived to make everything look perfect all the time, but I knew what needed to be said.
I found my child crumpled up like a dejected rag doll on top of her bed—her face puffy and red from crying.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
My daughter didn’t move.
I sat down on the edge of her bed and began saying things I’d never said to another human being—not even myself. “I feel mad inside a lot. I often speak badly about myself in my head. I bully myself. And when I bully myself, it makes me unhappy and then I treat others badly—especially you. It is not right, and I am going to stop. I am not sure how, but I will stop. I am so very sorry,” I vowed trying not to cry.
My daughter looked unsure as to what to do with this confession, this unusual offering from her mother who rarely admitted any wrongdoing. I didn’t blame her for the skeptical look she gave me. I understood why she didn’t say anything back, but somewhere in those eyes I saw hope—hope that things could be different.
I desperately wanted things to be different too. It was time to stop being so hard on my child; it was time to stop being so hard on myself. I prayed I could stand up to the inner bully. I knew I needed an easy first step. I decided to use one simple word: STOP.
Within the hour, I had a chance to try it. The first critical thought that popped into my head arose as I was preparing to leave the house. I looked at my reflection and thought, “You look fat. You can’t go out looking like that.”
“Stop!” I assertively thought to myself, shutting down any further criticisms. Then I quickly turned away from the mirror and recited these words: “Only love today. Only love today.”
I used the same strategy when interacting with my child a few minutes later. Before any harsh words came out of my mouth about the way she was sloppily packing her bag of things, I cut off my inner critic by saying, “Stop! Only love today.” Then I swallowed the hurtful words and relaxed my disapproving face.
Within mere days of using the “stop” technique, I noticed a change. With a more positive thought process, it was easier to let go of the need to control, dictate, and criticize. In response, my daughter began taking more chances and began revealing her true passions. She started movie making and website design on the computer. She made doll furniture and clothing to sell in the neighborhood. She began baking new recipes without any help. Nothing she did was perfect. Nor was it mess-free or mistake-free, but the moment I said something positive, I saw her blossom a little more. That is when I began to clearly see beyond the mistakes and messes to what was truly important.
I began noticing my child’s inner beauty rather than looking for perfection on the outside.
I began paying more attention to the person she was rather than the successes she achieved.
I began letting her be who she was meant to be instead of some idealistic version I had in my head.
When I stopped being a bully to my child and myself opportunities for growth and connection opened up. Over time, significant progress was made. In a little less than two years on my journey to let go of perfection and distraction, I received the confirmation I never thought I would receive.
My daughter was outside before school tending to a garden she created smack dab in the middle of the yard. I watched from the kitchen window as she lovingly tended to her miniature plot. I was captivated by the utter joy on her face. She was clearly at peace.
Since my dad loves to garden and had taught my daughter a few things, I took a picture and sent my parents. Nothing could have prepared me for the gift I would receive in return.
My parents wrote: “Thank for this precious picture of our beautiful granddaughter. Over the last two years, we have seen a tremendous change in her. We no longer see a scared look in her eyes; she is less fearful about you being upset or impatient with her. She is much happier and more relaxed. She is thriving and growing into a content, creative, and nurturing person. We know for a fact the changes we see in her coincide with the changes we have also seen in you.”
My friends, I have the following message to offer anyone who wants to believe today can be different than yesterday:
If you think that criticizing, belittling, or critiquing yourself will make you smarter, fitter, or more valuable, please reconsider.
If you think badgering, bullying, or constantly correcting your child will make him or her more likable, more confident, or more successful, please reconsider.
Because the truth is this:
It’s hard to love yourself with a bully breathing down your neck.
It’s hard to love yourself when the one person who’s supposed love you unconditionally doesn’t.
It’s hard to become the person you’re supposed to be when you aren’t allowed to fall down and get back up.
If we want our children to become who they’re meant to be, let’s ease up. “Nobody’s perfect” can be two of the most empowering, healing words when said to oneself or to another human being.
Let’s stop the ridicule. Let’s stop the relentless pressure. Let’s stop the impossible pursuit of perfection.
Only love today, my friends. Only love today.
Because love is always a good place to start a new beginning.
*********************
I’ve written three books that reveal exactly how I transformed my distracted, perfectionistic, hurried life into one of meaningful connection, inner peace, and gratitude. Hands Free Mama answers the question many people ask after visiting my site such as, “What steps do I take?” and “What strategies can I use to let go of my distractions?” In my second book, HANDS FREE LIFE, I describe how I finally started living life, instead of managing, stressing, screaming, and barely getting through life. My third book, ONLY LOVE TODAY, just released and was formatted especially for busy people who may not have time to read a book from cover to cover. Each daily entry serves as a re-set button directing readers back to peace, connection, authenticity, self-care, self-acceptance, hope, and love. The stunning reviews on Amazon indicate this book is having an immediate, positive impact on families. It recently earn coveted spots on USA Today and Publisher's Weekly bestseller lists. You can pick up a copy at Target, Barnes & Noble, LifeWay, and Amazon. Click here to order.
Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, I am so grateful for your on-going encouragement to keep writing and sharing my difficult truths. I am touched that many of you are using the Hands Free bracelets, vintage t-shirts, and letterpress pledges as tangible reminders of how you want to live. The ONLY LOVE TODAY bracelet is a beautiful reminder to choose love for yourself & your loved ones. It comes in leather & non-leather options and in a variety of colors.
Candace @ Luxe...With Kids says
So so lovely. Thank you for sharing. xoxo
Erin Fallat says
I found this blog post on Facebook and I am so glad that I did. I read this post thinking to myself and crying all that the same time that this is what I needed to hear. I am constant bully to myself and it is taken out on my oldest daughter, just like your blog. I am frightened that I have quelched her spirit and it is so reassuring to read how happy your daughter is. I am a mother of 4 Madelynn (8), Olivia (3) and Mason and Patrick (1). I am constantly putting so much pressure on myself to do everything right. As a result, when things don’t go as I may have planned, I loose my cool. Unfortunately, the oldest gets the brunt of my frustrations. I, like you, have constantly said that I am trying to prepare her for the world by making her be responsible, etc. I have not been allowing my oldest to be herself. Madelynn is a gifted child, Olivia is a precocious child and the boys are sweet hearts and I don’t want to take away their beautiful spirits.
I am excited to keep reading your blog posts and plan on buying your book. Going forward, I am taking your advice to “Stop” and act in love and not negativity.
THANK YOU so so much for writing this blog.
Casey M says
I am in a very similar boat as well. I have 2 kids, an older daughter who is 10 and extremely gifted as well as a 2 year old son. I push my daughter and find myself snapping at her regularly. I am hoping this “stop” advice will work for us too, first step for us is to work on it with regards to dance classes and practice.
Jamie says
Everybody’s kids are “extremely gifted”
ahorn says
Only love today.
Gromm says
And, I ask…
What do *you* do for a living?
My guess is that you have a gift for whatever it is, and you worked at making it better until someone thought you were good enough to be a professional at it.
For me, that gift is “using a computer”. I’ve never been able to grasp why anyone would think it was hard (even in my youth, when it *was* hard), exclaiming at times “but it’s just a bunch of reading and following directions!”. I’ve had friends who are artists, who have exclaimed “but it’s just a bunch of lines!”, and one guy who was once a professional clown who couldn’t grasp what made juggling so hard. Others wonder why anyone could be too unfit to play sports.
Today, I’m a Linux systems administrator, which is the actual marketable skill that grew out of *my* gift.
Everyone is gifted at something. It’s just a matter of applying that to the real world with practice and hard work.
Danielle says
Did you not read the article or did you just miss the entire point?
rebecca says
Respectfully, and with love, I disagree. Everyone’s kids are not extremely gifted. Everyone does not score genius levels on an IQ test. Some kids are just average, and that’s ok. It’s actually better than ok, actually. Some kids are smarter than others. some more athletic, and they deserve to shine in that way and not have it belittled by saying everyone is gifted, because they’re not. I think it’s actually more important to note that the average kids can still be awesome, and bright lights and perfectly lovely without falling into the “everyone is gifted” category. Every kid does not need, deserve or get a trophy. Every kid doesn’t make the team. Every kid is what they are, and it doesn’t have to be spectacular, it can just be. Not even everyone has a gift. And that’s ok, too.
Heather E says
This has gotten a bit off track, but I’m with you. I am so tired of this “gifted” label. When and why did we officially redefine gifted to mean “genius levels on an IQ test”?! Wait a sec… I just looked it up and gifted actually means, to have “a natural ability or talent”. It does not have anything to do with test scores!
(I say this as someone who was labelled as gifted as a child, aced every class, graduated #1, but left high school without cultivating any interests or passions of my own. I floundered through college and finally gained some direction by enlisting in the military. Turns out the “gift” of testing well is not a useful life skill. We should be trying to figure out a way to cater to the unique abilities of every child, not just the few whose talents can be identified through a standardized test.
Okay… stepping off soapbox now. Great post, BTW… sorry to derail.
Jessica says
Really? After reading an article about bullying you decide to take the opportunity to bully?
Jennifer says
I’m not understanding the snarkiness against your gifted comment, especially when this posting is about loving and respecting yourself and others. The term gifted is applied in the school system to a certain subset of children, with one of the criteria being a higher IQ. So no, not every child is “gifted” in the way that you are presenting. I also have a gifted daughter. It is hard because I, too, come down hard on her when I need to ease up. It’s one thing to prepare her for her future, and to help her reach her full potential. It’s quite another to have ridiculous expectations out of her simply because “she should know better” and due to my own perfectionist tendencies.
Paul says
Thanks for reminding us all of the most important things in life.
Helen Hough says
I am so glad you have seen this with your children so young. My mum was a bully to me, constantly wanting attention and demanding my time, I am a bully to myself and to my eldest (even though I have indulged her wants and passions I have pushed her to do the best she possibly can). My mother saw it but I resented it because she was so demanding of my time and affection even when I wanted to do something else. I am now under therapy to see how and what I can do to change, most of the time I am a door mat coz its easier. I am now trying to learn not to be the slave/servant that those that supposedly love me seem to want me to be. Please learn the stop word its a wonderful word and I am getting used to it. It may stop your behaviour OR make you think about the others are treating you. good luck and best wishes
Heather Negron says
I too found myself crying to this because I can relate .. the thing that botgers me more is I have been doing this longer than 2 yrs. Try like 12 … I needed to read this … thank you for sharing and making me realize this
Audra says
I could have written the same thing… I often am so critical of my oldest, my daughter! Thank you for sharing and inspiring me – I have wondered how to change also, and I’m going to try what you tried!
Clair says
Hi Helen,
I trust you’ll make a great change on the way you treat your kids, and that you won’t break their spirits. The greatest step you have already taken, by admitting that you need to change! And also by seeing that something isn’t going so right with your eldest. And who am I to know that? I’m an adult who have had her spirit broken as a child. My mother couldn’t say she was wrong, she would even come to the point of twisting the truth in order to still be right. I, on the other hand, would constantly doubt myself, thinking that she knew better for being an adult.
I’m trying really hard to let go of her voice in my head now. I know I rebelled in the past to hurt her on purpose, until the day I decided that I was also hurting myself and everyone around me…repeating the same pattern. That day I woke up to something that would change my world view forever: I’ve been living under my mother’ shadow this whole time, thinking about what were the things she would despise, so I could go there and do it. But once you go down that kind of path, it’s hard to change and I’m owning up to it now and seeing that I can’t put myself in the role of the victim forever. I know I was hurt in the past, but it is only my choice to either hold the anger in my gut or to let it go. And I’m definitely choosing to let it go for good!
Kelly Pickard says
I am like Clair. I too have two older daughters 6, 3 and twin boys 2. It is so challenging to work full time, take care of a house, four children, activities, homework etc. And my poor oldest daughter who is also the most reactive, bears the brunt of it. I am so glad I read this for though I feel ashamed, I feel hopeful too.
Alison @SassyMomChicago says
Wow! This post was amazing and I too found it in my Facebook news feed. The biggest gift I gave myself was seeing a professional on how to change those thoughts in my head which are directly related to how you react to situations. We really do need to give ourselves a break because being a mom is difficult and raising children in today’s world is beyond challenging. Thank you for writing this. I am definitely going to check out your book.
Sarah Schmidt says
I too am sitting here in tears as I see myself in this article. I teach special ed students, and I find myself to be so much tougher on my own kids, especially my oldest, my daughter. She has even pointed it out to myself. “Mom your nicer to your students then to me.” And that’s when I knew I needed to change because she was right. This is something that I am working on, and struggle with everyday.
For some reason, I hold her to such a higher level. I want the best for her and to be her cheering squad but at the same time I am the one who cuts her off at the knees by getting after her when she makes a mistake. I am her “bully”. And that really pains me to say. Here is this child that I hoped for all my life, dreamed about, is a part of me, and I am knocking her down, not building her up. Someone who is sooooo much like me. How can I be so critical?
She will point out to me when we haven’t argued in awhile, and we will both laugh and make jokes. And I know that I am getting better because my daughter, who rarely hugs me, has come up and given me hugs (and I squeeze her as tight as I can when she does because that is the greatest feeling in the world!) Yes I have bad days, but boy am I trying.
Guess what I am trying to say is THANK YOU for writing this, and again pointing out how I feel and what I am doing. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge, and I acknowledge that I have work to do.
mina says
i know this is a really old post but i needed to write something here. its 3.30 am right now and im in tears reading the article and the comments cause im going through the same thing. i ve always been so harsh on myself and suffering from depression and anxiety. i ve got 2 daughters aged 9 and 5 . my oldest is so much like me and im so critical on her. i dont know the reason i act like that but i realized tonight how much im hurting her. all i wanted was to prepare her for life so she doesnt make mistakes when she grows up. i love her so much but i seem to critisize her every move. when im trying to protect her from everything in the world i think its me that she needs protection from. i dont wanna go on like this anymore. i dont want her growing up hating me. all i ve always wanted was to be a great mum and i feel like im a big failure. i hope to change starting tomorrow. thank you for the article and the comments
Rachel Stafford says
Thank you for your honesty and heartfelt commitment to change. I feel strength and hope when I read your words. I do believe change has already begun and a bright future lies ahead for you and your beloved ones.
Lisa Facer says
I loved what you shared. I could so identify with everything you talked about.I honestly never could figure out what exactly my problem was. I have overreacted and have been way too intense sometimes all in the name of trying to prepare my kids for the real world. I’ve seen that look of dejected discouragement not only in my children’s eyes but in my poor husbands as well. I plan to get your book and learn all I can . I will start today by telling my son what a great job he did getting something like 27 assignments turned in in 1 week after being sick and missing 4 days of school. I honestly told him yesterday “You’ve only got one more day to finish all your missed work or your not coming to the movies with us over the break”. This after his teacher’s told him he could turn stuff in on the Monday after the holiday break.He looked right at me and said, “mom you never see how hard I try.Nothing is ever good enough for you.” I felt a twinge of regret but I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond. After reading your post I know exactly what I need to do Today is a great day to STOP bulling myself and my wonderful family.Thank you so so much for sharing!
Kat says
Wow! Great perspective! Thank you!
Kirstin Stokes Smith says
Couldn’t agree more. :,) sniff.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Thank you for sharing your intimate and important story. You are an inspiration.
Salina D says
I know it took a lot of guts and courage to write this, and admit it about yourself, but I’m glad you did. It was a real eye-opener. Just earlier today, I had to talk to my daughter about why she fears me. Then reading this, I thought OMG, no wonder, my daughter fears me. I feel like I have to be perfect, and everything else should be perfect, and when it doesn’t, I lose my mind. I am too a bully to myself, always telling myself that no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. I’m going to use this method, and hope that my house can turn back into a loving home! Thank you very, very, very, VERY much for writing this eye-opening piece.
Colleen says
“wow” I wish this was written a long time ago when my kids were little now I have one more child too go and I see it different in a total new out look… now too get my husband to read this!!
Thank You!!!
ballpointman says
this story has brought much tears…my mom was similar and yet much worse..she never changed or stopped her constant verbal and physical barrage against me..i ran away the first time at ten..at 14 i was removed from the home and put in fostor care..i grew up in 4 fostor homes and 2 boys homes..i was incarcerated at 25..i was diagnosed with bi polar in 1994..i was in the boy scouts and the school band and yet it seems i was always in trouble..my mom called me to her home one day crying and apologizing for slapping me as a young boy..i don’t even remember it..my uncle tried to talk my mom into letting him adopt me they were so concerned..this was when very young before i began running away..to put it bluntly, my whole life has been ruined..i accept my responsibility in my part of it…i began abusing drugs which led to my incarcerations..i never thought of my mom as an abuser but did believe myself to be a “BAD”person and unloved and unlovable..my dad left when i was nine..i was removed from home for fistfighting with stepdad at 14..he and my mom would both gang up on me..not for serious infractions but just for being me..i was never good enough for them and they were both alcoholics..now, after many years in prison for non violent drug and property crimes i am mentally disabled and alone..i worked many jobs and paid in 8,000 to soc. sec.for all you haters..but i take meds each day and struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety and panic attacks..my mom was all i had growing up and i could never please her in any way..i am a semi well known artist and photographer and have a website and on ,many online galleries..i try to help support myself and be some kind of success..i quit the drugs many years ago but now when questioned about my mom i find myself breaking out in tears..my stepdad and mom have both developed alzheimers and he died after 8 years of nursing homes and hospitals and just laying there with his mouth open and on life support..my cousin has been given custody of my moms finances after her 3rd husband has been found guilty of extorting her for 160,000 dollars and he has been abusing her..we are still in court…she has been hospitalized with injuries that he could not explain..i do love her but seems what goes around comes around..i feel like a failure because i have not been able to protect her…he still provides alcohol for her..i am 54 and my life pretty much over really…trust me out there moms …how you raise and love your children will effect their lives and their futures..and verbal abuse is very real..and if you tell a young child enough times that he is a bad person and a loser he will come to feel this is his reality..and it will effect all his future decisions…if you are unable to love your children and treat them so you need to adopt them out and give them a chance at life..my whole life as a child my mom was my greatest enemy and bully…and when they grow old enough they will begin defending themselves from your attacks..and running away ..me and my mom didn’t see each other for 20 years..i hated her for 20 years…believe me, you cannot function in this world when you hate your mother…and feel hated by her in return..you only have one chance in raising your children..do not fail them or you will regret it…trauma is very real and does lead to mental illness…and broken homes and ruined lives…and guilt and regret..and dysfunction…”suffer not the little children to come unto me for such is the kingdom of God”..”whosoever offendeth one of these little ones that believe in me, it would be better a millstone was tied around they’re neck and cast into the sea”…be careful how you treat a little child for you will be held accountable..before losing her ability to communicate my mom admitted to me she did not want me and regretted her pregnancy with me..and now we have all paid a terrible price…and alcohol is a mind altering drug as most of the worst abuse i suffered was done while she was intoxicated..this was a family secret and i do not revel in sharing it or speaking ill about my mom…but if it helps one person to change their behavior it will be worth it…LOVE your children….for one day you will need their LOVE…
deedee odden says
ballpointman, you did it! I praise you for your courage to share all those painful memories, emotion and insight. With all that has been dealt to you in life, you say you are an artist, which means you have been able to curb your anger to create something beautiful.
I cried as I read your response, but I also cheered you on! For, in sharing your personal experiences, you are releasing the pain and hurt it caused. And be able to empathize , console , to try to help others.
No, I am not a therapist or psychiatrist. I am a 53 year old mother of 7 wonderful young adults. I have been through most of what you written, but found solace in writing poetry. Music and writing kept me sane( semi-sane? lol). I would like to share this short poem with you….
I came into this world
misunderstood
eyes aware of nothing good
My parents in their own
childhood
She gave me a bottle
and drank of her own
teetering on a see-saw
I have grown
Balancing between tears
and fears
all alone
D.D
ojusti says
I have been mean to my little children, I feel what your mom so viciously said to you, I often think I did not really want to have them. I resent them because I’m so afraid I’ll ruin their little beautiful spirits, I don’t know how to give what I seldom got or got in a toxic way. My mother was smothering loving, just weird. I’m so angry at her still now, so I feel like my children will be as angry and hurt as I am. She did not drink but my father did. She was always on a diet or eating too much, to this day all conversations with her have to include full disclosure af what she’s eaten in the last three meals. I think what makes me angriest is the self image and diet related damage and sadness I suffer from, I was obese at 11 and have struggled with weight and self image ever since. So I’ve become restrictive to my own children at times. I do try not to tell them bad things about their image, there is no reason whatsoever to do that! BUt I have said these horrible things:
Another spill?
Why can’t you just be a good girl?
Why are you always causing trouble?
You’re a terror.
Why won’t you listen?
You’re driving me crazy.
Can’t you do anything right?
Focus.
Pay attention!
Did you hear me? Hurry up! Your little sister gets this done way quicker than you-Always!
If you weren’t going to eat it why did you ask me to make it for you?!
I constantly sigh impatiently. And have been rough with them, how I grab their little hands or carry them. Of course I say most of the above things yelling. How scary must this be for such fragile beings, with loving hearts and open eyes only and their own mother crushing their spirits like the monsters and evil stepmothers from the movies thye spend the afternoon watching. and my heart aches more every time they reenact the stressful events while they play with their dolls.
And trust me, I’ve tried. EVERY time I suffer and I apologize to them and myself and I say no more. BUt then it happens again. I can’t do this anymore. My daughters are 4 and 2 years old, and 2months old.
ladyjames123 says
Oh my dear sweet mama, I wish I could give you a hug and some magic words to make that all go away! I have 4 kids, ages 5, 4 and only girl, 2 and 1. I spent much of my time as a mother married but alone. My husband went from the Marine Corps to long haul trucking and I have felt this way many times in the past. My youngest is now 17 months and things are starting to look different. I have two in school in the fall, and the younger need me less and less by the day! The world looks different with out babies. You still have an infant. Do you think there might be some post partum depression there? I just want to encourage you. Give yourself some slack. I grew up with physical abuse and so I resorted to yelling out of fear of being like my mother and while I am so incredibly wrong for most of the fits I have about/at them, there has been some beauty in it when I go and apologize and ask their forgiveness. My mother always maintained that as our mother, it was her right to say or do. She didn’t need the forgiveness of a “child.” Through all this, my children have developed some of the most beautiful hearts I have ever seen. They are quick to ask for forgiveness as well as give it and compassionate to the feelings of others. I have to thank God for using my failures as a mother to make them beautiful. It does get easier. But, please make sure to take care of yourself as well so that you can take care of them the best you can. And give yourself a little slack. Being mama is a very difficult and overwhelmingly important job. If ever you need to talk or anything, please feel free to communicate with me. [email protected]. I will say a prayer for you!
Theresa Kellam says
Dear ojusti,
I am a licensed psychologist and Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers. I know you are hurting, not only for being mean to your children, but for the way you have been treated. All mom’s are mean to their children at times. We are only human. You need a way to heal from the unhealthy relationship your mom subjected you to and at the same time, heal your relationship with your children. I learned how to do this by having special playtimes with my children in the same way play therapists play with children and it transformed my life. If you can find a CPRT or filial therapist in your area, they can help you learn this same method of healing yourself and your child at the same time. I wrote a book about my experience that teaches parents the model, so that if you can’t find anyone in your area, there is a way to get the information. It is called “The Parent Survival Guide: From Chaos to Harmony in 10Weeks or Less.” Please feel free to contact me, if I can help. My email is [email protected].
Sincerely,
Theresa Kellam Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Tanya says
This hurt to read, it reminded me of my own Mother (who did NOT by any means reach the insight you did) But it was gratifying to read how hard you worked to change your attitude.
I struggle a little at times, in backlash from my abusive Mother (verbal abuse is abuse, I also suffered physical), It’s hard to know how to handle things at times. But I am learning more every day. Keep showing love Mama’s, it’s ok to get extra help if you need it, just keep going forward.
Mama says
I am so grateful to have been led to this blog post. For too long I have been struggling with how I often negatively interact with my beautiful first-born daughter. I have known that she deserves better, and I have made conscious decisions on multiple occasions to be better; yet, I’ve failed her so many times. Reconciling that my harsh criticisms are meant to be guidance toward a successful future has helped me ignore my own issues.
I grew up, the oldest girl of three children, in a loving family, but with a perfectionist mother who judged and evaluated me constantly…all in an attempt to “better” me. I remember her tearing apart my appearance, my weight, my friends, the way I did anything. I remember her flipping her lid and unloading all of her anger onto me. I remember hating every second of it and promising to never do that to my kids.
So, I have become that kind of parent that destroyed my sense of value and gave me enough insecurity to last a billion lifetimes. I broke that promise to myself, and I have begun the process of creating an environment where my own daughter will live with the lack of self-worth that has haunted me for much of my life. I get frustrated and obsessed with how things aren’t in perfect order in my house, in my reflection in the mirror, in the things my kids do or how they look, in my marriage…and I blame everyone but myself, and it is my oldest daughter who becomes my verbal punching bag. For that, I hate myself. I know that it is so unfair. It is so wrong. And, the thing is, there is no one to blame for things not being perfect. Perfection is arbitrary. It isn’t even real. How can I be a a bully to my child for not being able to achieve something that isn’t even attainable in the first place.
Fortunately, knowing that it is a problem, I have CONSTANTLY pondered why I am like this. I have fretted over how to be a good mama. I have been heart-broken with worry over the idea that I would never have a happy relationship with my oldest daughter. I have been terrified over the future that could be hers if I continue being the way I have been, knowing what I know from how I was raised.
Crazily, or not, yesterday (before I saw a link for this amazing blog), I was considering my daughter and myself…I had just had a mini-you-better-clean-your-bathroom-before-the-neighbors-see-how-messy-you-are session (never mind the fact that her little brother can barely reach the sink in their bathroom, and it was probably his mess)…and this voice in my head told me that I shouldn’t care what I think. Then, I thought that didn’t even make any sense. I shouldn’t care what the neighbors think, right? No, I shouldn’t care what I think, because I am the most critical. Most likely, they don’t care, and if they do, then they shouldn’t be in my home. Still, I couldn’t connect the dots back to my girl.
Reading this post about the bully closest to home helped me so much. Tears poured out of my eyes this morning as I read it. It was as if my heart was searching for something like this. I have felt very alone in these struggles, very ashamed, and in desperate need of some way to change. Immediately, I called my daughter into my bedroom and apologized. I acknowledged my massive failures to her and told her that I’d work on being better. When you wrote about seeing hope in your daughter’s eyes, I was moved. My daughter has epilepsy; when she is tired or stressed or has had a seizure, her pupils are enormous. This morning, her big blue eyes were almost covered by her pupils…not from a seizure, but a busy social schedule, and, I’m sure, stress from living with a mother who could decide to complain about an imperfection at any moment. After my admission to her, her own eyes filled with happy tears, and I saw more blue than black, and I realized just how important change is. She deserves so much more.
Thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me today & I am sure so many who read your courageous post.
Nicole says
I normally don’t leave comments, but this article is a reflection of my relationship with me daughter. My mother bullied me and I ended up doing what I vowed I would never do, bully my daughter. I thank you so much for sharing and I don’t know if you realize how much you have blessed others by writing this article. The tears kept coming as I read your article.
Varena T. says
Thank you for sharing Rachel. Blessings on your head. I think you are a gifted thinker and writer….and mom. I have an only child, an amazing son, who is now nearly 18. I was 40 when he was born and as prepared as I thought I was –having been the second of my mother’s twelve– I was humbled to have to come face to face with the realities of the me I saw reflected in my child’s eyes. How grateful I am for the healing power of Christ’s atonement. The wounds we ignorantly/negligently/selfishly inflict (on ourselves or others) need not have eternal scars. I will make great use of your “Stop” and “Only love today” therapy! And I will pass it on. I hope to get my own copy of your book someday to add to my lending library.
Becky says
You just described my life as your daughter, but unfortunately it lasted my whole childhood and womanhood I am now 44 I have just let my mother go and moved on.. I was holding on to that little invisible string of hope but reality I was chasing a dream…
So glad you discover yourself and can re build what you both have now which is love.. I wish my mother did but she didn’t and probably never will.
Beautiful story I love it
M in Carolina says
I have also let go of the hope that my mom will admit her mistakes and actually love me. My brother and I suffered abuses that are so horrible I won’t mention them. My mom could be fun, but you never knew what would bring out the monster that lived right below the surface.
Nothing I did was good enough. I fell in love and married an amazing man who chose me even though I was physically broken and couldn’t give him a normal family. He wasn’t good enough because he reads the wrong version of the Bible.
I got more sick than we thought I would and am disabled. My mom begged me to move back home so she could “help”. Her help came with strings. I was so stressed because she was constantly putting me down. I hurt so bad physically, and she just crushed my spirit, too. Emotionally I was crumpled on the floor, bleeding out while she focused on a papercut on my finger.
She claims she doesn’t remember the abuse, but when she would pick me up from my therapy, she’d be so worried I talked about her. She uses her age as an excuse for not “remembering” but I had an actual stroke as well as a degenerative nervous system disease yet she holds me to a standard much higher than her own. She tells me that she knows the truth because she constantly reads the Bible and judges me because I don’t study like her. Why would I? I’ve fought my entire life NOT to be her. I’m petrified of having kids because I would kill myself before I ever hurt them like I’ve been hurt.
She won’t say she’s sorry. My neck is messed up because she constantly slapped me, and told me I was fat, lazy and worthless. She tricked me into not telling on her by saying we’d be separated, and I’d never see my dad again. Oh how I loved him. How he was so different. It almost killed me when he died. I wish it had been my mom. Then I felt so guilty.
I don’t know if she’ll ever admit she was wrong. To her, being right and having *control* is more important than a relationship with me. She is an amazing, strong, independent, woman on the outside, but all she hears is this horrible voice she believes is true, but it is all lies. She is convinced she is the most pious person in any room, yet her life is a road of broken relationships. Her mother was the complete opposite. A more kind, gentle soul never walked this earth. Through the blows and screams, my mom told me that I should be glad that I had a mother like her that had such a great role model and followed it. I feel like I was living in Bizzarro world where everything was opposites.
I swore my marriage wouldn’t be full of yelling, passive-aggressiveness and jealousy. It’s been a struggle, but I have a fabulous marriage. People constantly comment on how well we treat each other and how beautiful it is to see. We constantly try to help each other and forgive immediately.
I have forgiven my mom. I hold no ill will. All she has to do to have a new, better relationship with me is see the truth. Admit she was actually human and not PERFECT. The pressures of perfect are great if you’re a diamond, but death if you are a fragile flower. Flowers need warm sunlight and water, not harsh wind and hail. The North Wind and the Sun had a bet about which one could get the coat of a traveller’s back the fastest. The North wind howled it’s hardest and coldest, the traveller stubbornly held his coat closer and closer. The it was the Sun’s turn. He turned his warm rays onto the traveller who quickly shed his coat from heat.
I am so glad to have the SON of God in my life to lead me and help me grow. He died for ME. Just as I am. He has forgiven me–threw the record of my sins into the deepest, darkest ocean and wiped them from His memory. My record is clean. All I had to do is accept his gift and set down my burden of past sins and failures. We get a fresh new start every day. A blank slate. A chance to do better. Love better, live better. As we know better, we do better.
Your kids don’t want your guilt and shame about yesterday. They want your love and respect today. To hear you say, “I am so proud of you. I love you”
Rachel says
Hi Rachel- I’ve just started reading Hands Free Mama. I have a two-year-old daughter who I love more than life itself. I have followed attatchment parenting and love Aha! parenting and Gentle Parenting. I’ve had to relearn so much and undo so much damage in my own head. My daughter is a very happy girl and my husband and I shower her with love and affection.
But in my own head, I’m my own worst enemy. In challenging moments there is a mean voice in my head bullying me – I can relate to all you wrote here in terms of being hard on yourself. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother so being a mom myself I’ve had to not only reprogram how to be a good, loving, patient and kind mother without a positive model to emulate (and so much of the love does blessedly come naturally) but I’ve had to reprogram how to parent myself. You write of your parents and that your mom had some unloving moments when you were younger- was there any kind of verbal negativity in your upbringing? Otherwise I wonder where you’d get those unloving self-belittling word tracks in your own head? Those are scripts that were read to us at an early age. I hope I don’t bring up any bad memories but I’m curious because I only want to see if it was the same for you as it was for me.
Hugs and best wishes!
Rachel
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Rachel, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are really doing some good work to break the cycle and be loving, kind, and supportive to yourself and your children. I commend you for that. To answer your question, I was not verbally abused. I was raised in a very loving, supportive home with realistic expectations. But for as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. I have looked for affirmations from the outside rather than the inside. I never wanted to let anyone down so I pushed myself beyond my limits and expected a lot from myself. When I began becoming overwhelmed by my digital distractions, I got very critical and guilt began weighing me down. There were many components in my life that caused my inner bully to get very vocal and I could never address them all in a blog post, which is why the book is so important. My book looks at the problem as a whole–both the internal and external distractions that were keeping me from grasping what really mattered in life.
I wish you all the best and continued healing on your journey, Rachel!
Mary says
Hi Rachel. I’ve never heard of bullying yourself. That is a very interesting concept of the internal scripting we sometimes do. I love what you have written. Thank you for sharing this!
Daniel Wagner says
The concept of bullying yourself is also known as self-attack. Stefan Molyneux speaks about this often in his philosophy podcasts with callers to the show by tracing back the reasons that we have developed this inner voice. It turns out, it’s a defense mechanism that we use.
Dane Maxewell also speaks to this and the idea of reversing limiting beliefs… tracing those same ideas back to the origin and determining if they are rational or not.
Leasa says
Hi Rachel! Reading your post and then your response to the other Rachel really struck a chord with me. Your response to her is exactly the way I would respond about myself. Im so grateful to read your honesty about your faults and therefore be more mindful of mine, since I feel so similar in nature to you. My son has developmental delays- nothing serious and certainly will outgrow- but I’ve been working hard to stop seeing everything he can and cant do with a critical eye. He’s only 2 and I dont put him down but I know I get sad/worried/frustrated/concerned and I turn that on myself. I beat myself up and strive to be perfect maybe to make up for his imperfections. Really I need to accept both our imperfections and get on with just enjoying. This is the first time I have visited your blog and learned of you, but I will be looking for your book in Jan. Congrats and thanks 🙂
Leasa
Jan B says
I am heart-broken reading this. I have been since I saw it this morning. This morning, it was chapel day in the fussy-pants school that we send our youngest to – not because we are fussy pants, but because Pittsburgh schools are wildly not ok, if you want you child to emerge in one piece.
Anyway, it was chapel day and there is a uniform for that day. Beige pants and a blue logo polo shirt. I had sent them up on hangars on Sunday and here it was Wednesday and the pants were missing. Why? Well, obviously because she had worn them and not gotten them back to me to clean.
So my little Rachel, nine years old, spent the morning having mom bitch at her about her pants. It’s not the only thing. I am on her about her room, the way she likes to eat late at night and the fact that she lies. Well, obviously she lies because she is afraid of telling me the truth.
I need to let up on her. Her older brother is “perfect”. Really, he’s past the age where he gets into trouble and her middle brother is severely autistic. We do just about everything — give him the world — just to keep him from melting down. I have only recently realized that we are being manipulated by meltdowns on his part.
Now I feel like I am killing my daughter’s childhood. Damn.
Joette says
Hi Jan, I am sending you a hug…we all need them. Only love today, as Rachel says; maybe forgiveness too. Tomorrow is another day.
From another mom who does her best.
Cathy says
I would echo what Joette commented…I saw some unpleasant truths about myself in this article, but my kids are now teenagers and I have less time to try to change my ways. Your children are still young and if you realize you want to do things differently that is more than half the battle. Tomorrow is another day and your kids love you!
Nicole says
Jan, Sometimes the first response to a revelation like this blog post is to say, “crap! I’m blowing it here!” and that is a good step. But realizing, as others have commented, that there is always a chance to change for the better, and it’s never too late! is the key to having that moment Rachel got to have later, where her parents expressed their joy that her changes have really been making a difference, not only for her daughter, but for Rachel as well. One day at a time, let’s make a change!
Pete Peters says
This story is so awesome and all of the comments are breath taking,I want to say that I really messed up when my little girls were very young. I had a drinking and drug problem and I lost them to adoption. In the past few years we have reunited and working on a relationship. I love my Daughters with my whole being and I wish I could change time but we all know that will never happen. So for now we talk 0n Skype and we are planning a small reunion next summer.I truly feel blessed that my second daughter found me and since then 2 of the othersw have been in touch with me on a regular basis.there was a long time that I never thought I would ever see them again.
Mel says
This broke my heart. I do the same thing to my 6 year old brown-eyed older daughter. I bug her about brushing her hair, spilling her drink, finishing her homework. Everything. And she is perfect just as she is. Thank you for putting this out into the world. I work like a maniac but that isn’t her fault and her younger sister who is a total handful always gets attention and little blame for everything. I feel like picking my daughter up from school early, hugging her and telling her that I am so, so sorry. And then throwing my phone, tablet and laptop at a wall. I am so sick of being beholden to work!
Lisa says
Jan, I know how you feel. My little guy is also Autistic. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. There are days where I can be very hard on her. My son demands a lot of attention and can be very hard on our patience. We can be very critical of her when she does the slightest thing wrong and afterwards, I know it breaks her heart. I try to apologize, but it often seems like no use anymore. She seems to be losing the spark in her blue eyes.
I have always bullied myself and never looked at it as bullying her as well. I am so glad I read this article and I will definitely use the STOP rule right away. I don’t want the little lady to sink into a depression.
Bess says
Dear Rachel – The Commenter,
“being a mom myself I’ve had to not only reprogram how to be a good, loving, patient and kind mother without a positive model to emulate (and so much of the love does blessedly come naturally) but I’ve had to reprogram how to parent myself. ”
I cried when I read this. Because, YES, I HEAR YOU. ME, TOO. Based on what you said I believe we parent differently, but I think both beautifully, maybe because of how we were raised? I find, though, that I am absolutely incapable of trusting my own instincts because of my upbringing. But my daughter, like yours, is happy, healthy and showered with love. So I have to believe that I’m “doing it right.”
And Dear Rachel – The Author,
How can I say thank you enough for your words? I know you’ve had some violently negative backlash from this article and all I wish for you is to know is that it may have its place, but it’s MEANINGLESS in light of how your words have given hope to so many people. Especially me.
ONLY LOVE TODAY.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, dear one. This means so much.
Meredith Covert says
Hi Rachel
I read your post with tear filled eyes. I am the same way your were with your daughter to my first born son. I always point out things he is doing wrong. I am trying to stop and my husband said I need to pause before I say something. I love the sentence -Stop-Only Love Today is Awesome! I am going to use your tips and techniques as I try to continue to break the cycle from my own critical childhood. Thanks for a sharing your real mom stories! XXOO
Jenny says
Dear Rachel,
Good morning, and thank you for your lovely blog. It inspires me daily. Ten minutes before I sat down with my coffee to read your post, my 9 year old daughter (oldest of 3 children), had a meltdown because her English Muffin wasn’t separating properly, and she “needed” me to do it. I realized that I created that in her, and it breaks my heart. Thinking of your messages, I took her into my lap, and told her that no one and nothing is perfect, and that is wonderful. She looked at me as if I had ten heads and said through her teary blue eyes, “What? Why?”. We have a lot of work to do in our home, but thank you for continuing to share your journey, experiences and lessons. Have a wonderful day!
Li-ling says
Rachel, this made me cry as I see myself, not always, but often reflected in the busy bully you describe so well.
Thank you for reminding me to Stop and Love.
Much love to you and yours this holiday season.
Donna says
Thank you for this. We can have an “inner bully” about any number of things beyond parenting as well; it’s still a bully and needs to be treated as such.
Thank you for your timely and thoughtful posts; I am encouraged every time.
Me says
Thank you for sharing. I am the bully to myself but I do all that I can not to do it to my daughter as it was done to me. I never thought for a second to stop bulling myself but I commit to STOP right now.
Thank you
Bess says
ME TOO! I am trying so hard to remember that I am deserving of as much goodness as she is.
Ray Wells says
Rachel, your openness and honesty blesses us. We hear a lot about bullying these days…in schools, etc., but it’s just as damaging (perhaps more so) in the sacredness of the home. I had a little eye problem reading this as I thought of the precious children who live(d) it (maybe my own), and also the spouses who take the brunt of it often. Thank you for blessing us with your heaven-sent messages.
Jennifer says
I just needed to thank you for this article. I needed this. Last night I realized I have been doing the same thing to my son and I have to stop. This post helped me see just exactly what I am doing to him. I have a younger daughter too (she’s two in February) and don’t want to walk the same path with her. So, thank you. I’m trying. Your posts help with that.
Allaina Humphreys says
I REALLLLY needed to hear this today. This is me and my eldest daughter. I have always bullied myself. I never before connected it to how I treat her. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Kat says
I’ve always been my biggest bully. The voice inside my head was full of self loathing and it felt like a sickness of the soul. My “stop” mantra was “I accept myself unconditionally right now ” (thanks Hungry for Change). It was so powerful, it reminded me to step back and realize that no matter what I could possibly do, I still deserved to be loved in that very moment. I knew something had to change. If I planed to teach my son that I would always love him unconditionally, first I had to do that for myself. I’m so happy to say that I no longer bully myself. I’m even happier to update you Rachel and tell you that my hands free journey is looking very bright these days. When I first found your blog I would cry with despair not knowing how and if I’d ever attain my goals, and although I’m not yet where I want to be I feel like I’ve reached the peak of the mountain and all that’s left is to enjoy the view for a while and then climb down. The uphill battle is over. Thank you for sharing your story Rachel. Thank you a million times.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
WOW! This is so inspiring to me, Kat, and I am sure to those who read it. Changing old habits is not easy–it takes time and baby steps … but it is possible. Your progress is very encouraging. You have blessed me today by sharing this. Thank you.
Stephie says
Hi Rachel – I found your blog last week, and it truly touched and inspired me. I spent all day reading your entries and reflecting on my own life. It was like I was reading something someone wrote about me. I immediately decided that I was going to join the Hands Free Revolution – I even ordered the bracelet, should be arriving today!! It was as if I was meant to find your blog at this point in my life. The point where I have was ready to give up on finding “the meaning” and “what I was meant to do”. I have been searching for answers for a little over a year now. After reading your blog last week, it was like something just clicked. In the past few days I have seen my kids, my husband and my life in a completely different perspective. My kids are 7 and 5, and this post really hit home for me, because, although embarrassed to admit, I treated my oldest son the same way you use to treat your oldest daughter. Now when I am in my “perfectionist” mode, I catch myself before I snap or yell, or get upset. But I am also finding myself less and less in that perfectionist mode, which is great, I feel so much less stressed and rushed. Seriously, you are a life saver! And you write so beautifully! Congratulations on your book! I cannot wait for it to come out so I can learn more techniques on how to live this awesome new lifestyle you have been so gracious to share with others!
Megan says
OMG!!! The tears are flowing! There are so many parts of this that are me, NOW. I bully myself and take it out on my almost 5-year-old daughter and it MUST STOP. The guilt I carry around on a daily basis is ridiculous… Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this post. Only love today. And STOP those critical comments. Today I’ll start to make these changes. ❤️
Michelle says
Ditto this exactly. I read this post this morning in floods of tears and have already spent today telling myself “only love today” It has had a massive effect on how I deal with my children, myself and (I’m VERY pleased to say) my relationship with my eldest son. That’s in one day!! I am looking forward to the future. Thank you so much for sharing. xx
Rachel Macy Stafford says
WOW! Michelle you offer us all so much hope by sharing the progress you have already made in ONE DAY! Love is transforming!
ihopeiwinatoaster says
I am guilty of bulling my boys sometimes and, here’s the hard part, it always come from my own disappointment in my self. This morning one of my sons wouldn’t eat his breakfast because his lips were badly chapped. I told him that if he would only use the Chapstick that was IN HIS POCKET more often he wouldn’t have this problem. He whispered: “I’m trying”, which I know he is. I was angry, but, at what? Because they were off school today for a snow day and I am not going to be able to do the things I had planned.
We are headed to the sledding hill now… Thanks, Rachel. “Because love is always a good place to start a new beginning.” Yes, yes it is.
Amy Green says
I hope you had fun sledding!! It happens so often I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed and I don’t want to do some fun thing my daughter’s asking me to do… then I go and do it and I feel so great afterward! You’d think I’d learn my lesson.
Also – just a note about the chapped lips… We live in the cold north… and many lip balms can actually make it worse. What works wonderfully is Aquaphor. Put it on their lips before they go out. Put it on chapped lips at bedtime to heal them almost overnight. (Also, this worked wonders for diaper rash when my daughter was a baby… far better than any other diaper cream.)
http://www.americanownews.com/story/16144387/does-lip-balm-dry-out-your-lips
Jen says
Snow days! So much fun for kids! So much to-do list rearranging & postponing for moms…..
I second the Aquafor….I put it or coconut oil on my kids’ lips after they fall asleep at night. After a few nights of doing this, they look great, no matter how chapped they were to begin with. The key is to remember to keep doing it all winter, even when they don’t “look” chapped, so as to prevent them from getting that way again. I also rub Aquafor or coconut oil on their hands after they fall asleep, and then try to remember to do my own lips & hands before falling asleep, too.
M in Carolina says
Another vote for coconut oil. My lips get so cracked that I have tins of coconut oil lip balm all over the house. Chapsticks and glosses dry my lips out. There are even oils that act like lipstick.
Dee says
I read your post and a few things struck me; that Chapstick (if you meant the brand name) has petroleum as a main ingredient, and petroleum products are absorbed into the body – this is bad because they contain estrogen mimickers and endocrine disruptors. You can find this out from a couple of different books, one such is called There’s Lead in Your Lipstick”, http://www.gilldeacon.ca/projects-lipstick.php
I would recommend a natural type lipbalm to soothe chapped lips such as Burt’s Bees or my personal favourite is another one which uses a common herb, Lemon Balm and other natural ingredients: INGREDIENTS:
Melissa Officinalis, White Beeswax, Cocoa Butter, Peppermint Oil, Camphor Oil, Oleic Gel, Super Sterol Ester (CID-30 Cholesterol/Kanosterol Ester).
It is made by a Canadian company and marketed as: DermaMed Cold Sore Lip Balm – while I do not have cold sores, it is FANTASTIC for chapped lips, if I remember to put it on before bed, my lips are better in the morning! You can find it here: http://www.dermamed.com/product_details/specialty_products/coldsorelipbalm/default.asp
The other thing is that dehydration is the underlying cause of chapped lips, so drinking lots of water helps more than anything else for chapped lips. My favourite way to (try, since I seem to not ingest enough water, hence my chapped lips too) get enough water into me is as a hot drink, hot water, lemon and honey – not only is it hydrating, it is good for you too by utilizing the healing effects of the lemon and honey.
Good luck and be kind to yourself…after YEARS of being uptight, I am only now learning to relax, alas my daughter is now 17 going on 18 and we still have some work to do to learn to communicate more respectfully.
Laurie says
Rachel,
Every time I read one your posts, I immediately break down. I see so much of your past self in me, and it hurts to look inward. I can’t wait to read your book. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experiences. You are going to change more lives than you can ever imagine. You have already made a huge impact on mine.
Laurie
Jaci says
Thank you so much for this!
Pamela Kelley says
I can relate to what you wrote as a recovering perfectionist and know that although I am hardest on myself it spills over as I have seen melt downs over what appeared to me to be trivial things. Change is necessary and I know a lifetime of trying to live up to high expectations has set the pattern. Never too late though 😉
Carolyn says
Thank you for this. I do suffer from the inner bully. I also had an ex husband who bullied as well (he was controlling and mentally/emotionally abusive). I was always told by him that I was to ugly, to fat, to stupid, to lazy, etc. I left him in February 2011. Our daughters now 13 & 10 have totally opposite personalities. My oldest knew how her father treated me and would worry and voice those worried to my mother and sister. Once I left him she has totally blossomed. She’s become much more outgoing, happy, silly, etc. My youngest hardly changed at all. I’ve now come to realize that his behavior towards me affected my daughters more than I ever imagined. I left because I couldn’t handle it anymore but I also left because I didn’t want my daughters to grow up thinking that is how women are to be treated.
I’m trying to stomp out the inner bully I have, but after years of being bullied it’s a hard thing to do. Thank you for your blog. It is comforting to know that others understand.
Thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your story of courage and strength. Sending love & peace to you today, Carolyn.
Rebekah H says
Wow, when I first started reading this I thought oh this doesn’t apply to me. I am not a busy person we always make time to be silly and have fun and relax. But as I kept going i just started to cry. I am a bully to myself and that does come out at my kids a lot and that is just not fair! They don’t deserve any of it! Thank you for posting.
Kyra Ann says
I live this way each and everyday, a bully to myself and to my husband and child. When things are not going my way I explode on them. I’m going to try and stop and love instead. I can’t wait to read your book.
kristin says
Thank you for being a strong enough woman to share your shortcomings. You help, encourage, and heal so many people. You are such a gift and blessing to those who know of your work. Again, I only wish the world knew of you! I took away some good information today–I thank you for that. God Bless you and I wish you and your family the happiest of holidays.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Kristin. What a kind and loving thing to say. My readers are so wonderful and in this community’s hands, my messages can reach places I never thought possible. Each time one of my posts is shared, one more person knows about the joy in living Hands Free. I wish you a blessed holiday too. I cherish your comments.
Whitney says
Thank you for sharing your story. I am embarrassed and saddened to realize how much this resembles my relationship with my own daughter. I am hopeful that I can be strong enough to just STOP and share Only Love Today > I am certainly going to try!
Kimberly says
Wow! Just wow! I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I needed to read this. Right now. My daughter used to be such a happy, free spirit. But I always blame her and make a big deal out of the smallest things. Forgotten things, messes, breaking crayons, her little sister crying… you name it, it’s her fault. I see the change in her. She’s only 5 years old; she should be allowed to make mistakes. I love that little girl and my 2 year old more than anything in the world, so I vow right NOW to make a change. She deserves nothing but love, not the anger that comes from within myself. I thank you, Rachel, for being open and honest and wanting to make changes for the good. You are a true angel! <3
Ariadne - Positive Parenting Connection says
Rachel, what a lovely piece, as always so honest and encouraging.
This part though.. “It’s hard to love yourself when the one person who’s supposed love you unconditionally doesn’t. It’s hard to become the person you’re supposed to be when you aren’t allowed to fall down and get back up.”
so incredibly important.
Danielle says
Bullying myself has come naturally for as long as I can remember. Love is harder. 2 major depressive crashes, one that nearly led to be taking my own life, anti-depressants, lots of therapy and a lot of hard work late, now I see what effect that has on me and everyone around me. I want to be a different kind of person, I want to be a different kind of role model for my nephews. They get enough parental bullying from their dad. I want them to have an aunt who sees the world differently, who understands what delightful creatures they are, even at their so-called worst. I love to see the curiosity in their eyes. I love the cute “what you doing auntie” as only a 2.5 year old can say, I even will take the wrestling which leads to a fat lip and sore nose (for me, not them) as it expresses so much of who they are. I’m not perfect, but I really try and I succeed most of the time.
Selma Birks says
Rachel:
I can’t begin to tell you how much of this describes me. As I was reading the introduction that was shared by a friend on FB (don’t have the book yet), but will most definitely will purchase it brought me to tears. Ones that I have no control over. I’m a wife and mother of four: 16, 10, 8, 6 …much of my time is spent alone with rearing our children mentally, physically, and spiritually. My husband is a truck driver and is gone from morning to night…our kids are in bed by the time he is home from work. My life is consumed with an OCD of perfection and wanting my children to exhume the attributes I had growing up. My expectations of them are more than what they can give me and what pains me is to know that I am the bully. What have I done? My eldest will be graduating in another year and I look back at what my actions have contributed to her upbringing. I bullied myself in achieving the stars and perfection…. Much to do with not having the stable home life environment growing up. I didn’t have a mother, a father, or grandparent to read to me, help me with my math facts, do art projects, or to make my lunch. My fault lies within me and wanting that perfection with my children…. To give them what I didn’t have, but at the cost of being bitter and anger. I did it independently growing up and learning it on my own… My perfection was noticeable in the 3rd grade. Perfect homework assignments, perfect handwriting skills, perfect reader, perfect speller, perfect art projects, a perfect report card with all 100’s and E’s to garner the attention of those outside the home. I can breathe a little better now… Knowing that I don’t stand alone…thank you! I look forward to the book!!!
t. says
This is me. It breaks my heart that I am so hard on my son; he is only 3. I don’t think I could have read this at a more “right” time. Thank you for sharing your struggles in order to help those of us who are going through something similar.
Shannon says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I do the same thing with my first-born son. He is brilliant and learned everything very early. He and I both struggle with ADHD and due to our impulse control issues, we struggle with anger, esp. towards each other. I hate that he flinches when I get angry. It makes me feel physically ill. We’re working on it together. My own diagnosis didn’t come until just recently, though I struggled with the symptoms from a very early age. I’m also one of my biggest critics and my inner bully constantly goes at me. His came last school year when he was in Kindergarten. I think, because he’s so bright and independent, that I expect way too much from him. My younger child, 18 months younger than his brother, was a difficult delivery and he has always been much more clingy and dependent on me. I find I expect much less from him. I am working on changing all of this before it’s too late. My older is almost 7 and I don’t want him to hate me. We’re getting there, and it is only getting better. Again, thanks for writing this and for sharing your humanity.
Jodi says
Shannon- my first-born son is also gifted and has always spoke well beyond his years. On the first day of kindergarten, the principal called me about halfway through the day. The first thought that came to my mind was that he already got in trouble for talking too much. She informed me that she had been observing him and they had decided to test him for gifted. We are very proud but we have come to expect a lot out of him. I really struggle internally because, even though he is very smart, he is also immature. He and I also found out a few years ago that we both have moderate to severe ADD. Might explain some of our struggles.
I grew up in a verbally abusive family. My whole childhood I heard “we can’t do that! What would people think?!” I have always worried about what other people thought of me, so when my son started getting acne at an early age I started nitpicking at everything he did or didn’t do -clean your face better, comb your hair, your clothes do not match so go change, you can’t go out in public looking like that! He could care less about his appearance and I often hear him say “we are going to the store, not a fashion show. Why does it matter what I look like?” Well, because people might think that we are horrible parents allowing you to go out in public like that! I have started to ask myself why I force these issues. Why do I want him growing up with the same “what would people think” fear? Why not just let him be the person he wants to be and who he is comfortable being? I am lucky that he hasn’t completely pushed me away yet. Although he is now in 6th grade, he still shares stories with me and still wants hugs and love from his mama! I still have a lot of work to do.
Amber says
I struggle with this with my oldest daughter too. She is very smart & has talked like an adult since she was one. I forget, sometimes, she is not grown & needs a chance to be a child too. A chance to make mistakes & have grace. I WILL try harder. Thank you so much for putting your experiences out there so that I can hopefully change too. Only love today. Starting now.
Maria Davis says
I don’t even know how to begin to say thank you for this post. This is ME…and my daughter age 7…I’m an angry upset mama for so many reasons that have ZERO to do with her…yet I am so hard on her. I keep telling myself I will do better as soon as I take care of “x” but I realize that I can’t wait…and healing our relationship needs to begin now.
Stephanie says
The timing of this post is perfect. Today is my birthday and this is just the gift I needed. Your story reminds me so much of my oldest daughter and I, and it makes me so sad 🙁 Reading this gives me hope that things can change. Thank you so much for your beautiful words and this encouraging story. I can’t wait to read your book.
Pauline says
Happy birthday, Stephanie!
Yamile says
Thank you so much for this. I bully myself constantly, and although I was bullied as a child, I don’t want to use that as an excuse to bully my daughter. I’ve noticed how my relationship with my children improves when I accept myself just as I am. I have so much to improve! Thank you for your beautiful words. I’ll come back for more.
Congrats on your book too!
Annette says
Rachel, A friend on Facebook posted a link to this article and I clicked while sitting here at my desk during a quiet moment. I have tears streaming down my face uncontrollably… Thank you for sharing your struggles so openly and vulnerably. I suffered for years at the hands of bullies, then became one myself. I never considered that I bully myself or my daughter, but as I read, my heart broke with the truth. My initial response to the acknowledgement was to beat myself up about it. I need to make sure that stops NOW. I don’t want my daughter to resent me the way I have resented my mother. I want her to grow up strong, confident, passionate and eager to pursue her dreams. I want to build her up, teach her, model GOOD behavoir and perhaps most importantly, give her LOVE that she can receive with an open heart. I hadn’t heard of your book, but you can bet that I’ll be looking for it now! Thank you so much for opening my eyes… I am humbled.
Kurlikew says
Thank you for sharing this story. I’m curious though – if your book doesn’t come out until Jan 7, how have some people already read it? I look forward to reading it as well.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Great question. Publishers use Advanced Reader Copies to help in acquiring endorsements, book reviews, and helping spread the news of the book through other bloggers and authors.
Steph says
I have been following your blog for a while now and I would like you to know that you truly inspire me to be better. I struggle with everything you talk about, and every post describes me exactly. Well, not exactly, I’m not near as far into becoming the better me as you are. 🙁 But since finding your blog I’m for sure better each day. It’s so strange that the people you love the most are the ones you can treat the worst, which is clearly something that needs to be changed within me. It’s a work in progress, but I’m fully committed to making that change. Thank you for your blog, and I cannot wait for your book! Stephanie
Cathy says
Rachel, you so deeply touched my heart and soul in this piece about your daughter and you–you made me cry! I am a new mom to a one year old and my prayer to God as I read this reflection is please help me not to ever crush his spirit. I grew up having a very critical parent and I too battle that inner bully on a daily basis. I am so taking these words of yours to heart today for my own sake as well as my precious baby boy–only love today, only love. Thank you for this gift today–words from God I believe!
Staci Speerhas says
This book deccribes my grandmother, mother, myself, and my oldest daughter. It really breaks my heart, yet gives me so many answers. Thank you for that!
Kathleen says
I just loved reading this. I haven’t been a regular reader here, maybe only read four or five posts, but boy are you sucking me in. I am trying to live more in the present and am thankful for your model. Blessings to you.
CJ's mom says
I’m attempting to type this while the tears stream down my face…this doesn’t describe my relationship with my 2.5 year old son but it describes how I treat my dear husband. I have been a perfectionist all of my life and if he doesn’t meet my so-called “standards” then everything falls apart. He stops interacting with me and helping with our son. I can’t blame him. Why continue to help when you just get criticized for it? And the sad thing is, I know he is trying. But lately, it’s as if we have just both forgotten how to interact without the eye rolling, head shaking, and unkind words to one another. Today will be all about love. Baby steps. I need to find the balance of love, affection, and patience between being a mom and being a wife. I can’t just save it up for my toddler. My husband needs it and deserves it as well. Thank you for sharing this.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, CJ, for being so honest and open. You have offered hope to someone reading your words today.
Marie says
thank you cj’s mom & rachel! i have a 14 month old son, read some mom blogs occasionally, but have never left a comment. sitting here with tears streaming down my face as well (with burned dinner still on the stove, ugh!), i have been thinking the exact same thing! this is not only about my first and only child….but bullying my poor husband as well!. i know it’s the truth, but it’s been so hard to face in my desperation for the perfect little life in a big city, and a clean, organized, never-a-crumb-on-the-floor house. there are no excuses, although i like to try to justify it in my head (to husband: is it that hard to put away your clothes? could you ever help with dinner? could you even try to pay a bill? how about the grocery store? ever want to fill up the gas?). these “asks” seem totally reasonable for a mid-30’s successful husband, when i also work full-time and just need a little help. but, it’s still not right or fair that i (perhaps?) bully the way i do. sipping my wine, here’s to tomorrow being all about love. thank you, more than you know. xo
Amy Green says
CJ… I was totally like that with my husband for the first few years of our marriage, and he pointed out to me that it was exactly the way my mom treats my dad–always critical, nitpicky, shrewish, never satisfied. It was a HUGE struggle for me to break out of that behavior that I had learned by observation (they say you learn how to be a spouse by observing your own same-gender parent). A book that helped me soooo much with this is “For Women Only.” The other book that really helped both of us is “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.” I read “The Surrendered Wife” too, to try to deal with this issue, but I don’t recommend it. Here’s my review on it (which also has links to the above-mentioned books): http://www.amazon.com/review/RNICL1BUEX7MW/ref=cm_srch_res_rtr_alt_4
K says
You are so incredibly not alone. In trying so hard not to do this with my son, I turn my aggravation, frustration, and criticism on my husband. I read Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly last year and it brought me to my knees in tears over this revelation. I have tried to work through this, and keep trying, but some days I need a quiet reminder just like this post. And I need to go home and apologize.
Thank you all.
Shelly says
Reading this was difficult but eye-opening. The person who gets the brunt of my “bullying” is my husband. It wasn’t always that way, and I’m scared that I will treat my sons like this, as well, as they get older. My sense of self-worth has been all wrapped up in trying to please other people, and I fail every time. Reading this today is so timely in my life. I really need to make some changes to build my self-esteem and starting treating my loved ones with the love and respect they deserve and also treating myself with the love and respect that I deserve from me! I’m trying hard not to beat myself up over realizing what I’ve been doing, but instead trying to move forward with a positive attitude.
Mary says
Thank you for hands free, I love the no bullying message. It resonates I am struggling with the same and always looking for ways to start over. I love and value my children and worry they seldom get to actually be kids! So many expectations are already set for them, I will work in the stop bullying method and focus on love and light! Thank you.
tonia says
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful story. This is what I need to change how I am but didn’t know how.
Lori says
What a great article!! I really needed to hear/read this & will be buying your book. Thank you!!!!!
Lucille Zimmerman says
Rachel, I can’t get enough of your writing. You write what most of us struggle to admit, even silently to ourselves.
I remember about a dozen years ago I went to give my daughter a hug and I saw her cringe. It was in the moment I realized I had inherited (by example) the explosive rage from my dad. I went back to grad school to study counseling, in order to help others, fell apart, dealt with all my junk, and all my anxiety and depression dissipated. My rage, too. went out the door. I’m so grateful for the close relationship I have with my young adult children.
Nora says
i too was crying as i read this. My daughter is 22 and after going through a variety of personal issues, she is a thriving wonderful young woman about to graduate from college. I know there are so many things I wish I could have done different and just your message of STOP, only love today, will help with our journey and that of my two sons and my husband. You have summarized much of my similar experience here and although painful to admit, allows for recognition and change to occur. Thank you and I too look forward to your book and watching your continued growth. Love and light!
Natalie says
Beautiful
Wanda says
As a daughter who grew up with a harsh, demanding mother, it’s her voice I hear daily, hourly, constantly in my head. ‘It’s not good enough…’ ‘I should have…’ And it makes me hurt others. I’m hyper critical of others and their performances which has hurt me at work, socially and in relationships. My relationship with my mother makes me scared to have children, especially a daughter of my own. At 34, I’m afraid to tell my mother when I’ve made a mistake – I lie, deceive and avoid conversations. Reading this, I recognize myself and I’m choosing to change this pattern. Thank you for writing this.
Ami says
This is exactly what I have been struggling with and my heart aches for my firstborn daughter. I often expect too much from her and don’t allow her to be a kid. Thank you for this beautiful reminder to “stop and just love”
Mandy Williams says
This is beautiful and brought tears. Thank you!
Lisa says
Your post is beautifully written to express your journey toward self-love that allows you to truly open up and love others. I know because my journey sounds so familiar to yours. I see your light and love and offer you a greeting: Namaste.
I hope more and more awaken to realize the difference they can make. Turn off autopilot and move back into the love vibration.
erin says
This is exactly me. Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. My oldest child is 5 and I’m his bully. Everyday I try to make him proud of who he is and how can he when I make him feel awful.. all I know is God is an absolute shocker. Everyday he surprises me. I go to bed asking for anwers and today I found one. I just need to say thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so glad we found each other today. There is hope. We are not alone.
Shannon says
Your story is so inspiring! I have struggled with this situation (to the letter) for many years now. I was raised by a single mother who taught me do be the best, do the best and be independent. Anything i did was always very good, but “there’s always room for improvement” she said. I love her dearly for giving me what I needed to be a go getter of sorts. But that same mentality has been a stumbling block in my life far too many times. I set goals so high for myself that there is never a chance that I could let anyone else down….or so I thought. My daughter is ten now (struggles academically) and I’ve just about relented that it’s too late to change things. I’ve tried in the past but in reading your story, it made look back to see that I was never really committed to changing myself, I simply wanted her to act/be better so the situation would change. “If only she would be better” I would say to myself, then I could easily juggle my schedule. I vowed that if I ever had another child, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made with her. My son is now three and find myself able to do exactly that. I’ve been so confused for so long because I don’t understand why I can do it with him and it is just so very hard to do with her. I am so thankful for a friend’s post that lead me to your story and I cannot wait to read your book! Congratulations on the heart change that you have been able to genuinely embrace. I pray that the Lord will bless you and your family and that your story will change lives.
Laura S. says
I saw the link to your article on my facebook wall this morning and I read through it. Thank you for posting this. I struggle to think anything positive or good about myself. My inner Bully is a monster but I realize now I don’t have to put up with it and I can change. Today is my birthday and this is such a wonderful present. Thank you for being so honest and able to articulate so well what I have struggled with for a long time! Blessing and hope for a positive future!
Anonymous says
Thank you so much for putting your heart out there and writing this. This was exactly how I have feel and what I needed to hear. With tears, I realized how much I do this to my oldest daughter too. Her expectations from me have always been high, too high. I have to stop and remind myself she is just a child. I know it doesn’t make it better, but it was so good to know I am not the only mom out there that also struggles with this. I will try to stop always criticizing and only love today.
Annie says
Thank you. As I read this, with tears, I see myself. I had never seen myself as a bully. Now I do. Thank you for always pouring your heart out with honesty. Today is a new day. Stop! Only Love Today is my new motto.
Patti says
You have no idea how this ministered to me today. I have an adopted daughter that has been struggling with so many things with her self esteem and I feel like I have been the mom you described!!!
Thank you.. thank you.. thank you
Tahsha says
Thank so much for posting this. It’s exactly what I needed to hear today, with my daughter and especially with my step=daughter.
Carrie says
I am where you were two years ago. I see the look in my 4year olds face when I tear home down. I hate myself and have been hating myself for the last year and yet have not changed. Your words and stories (I have been reading the last two days) have really touched me. I hope I can use your stories and examples to change the way I interact with my son. Thanks for being so open and sharing your life and your change.
Lynn says
Thank you so much for the vulnerable honesty with which you wrote this. I had never assigned the title “bully” to my behavior, but it certainly fits. I am so grateful that through my relationship with Jesus Christ, I found the love, acceptance, and forgiveness I needed to be able to change on the inside, thus changing the outward behavior., as well. I deeply regret those years of bully-parenting, and I see the long-range effects of it in my now-grown children. But there is grace, even for that. Thanks again.
Christine says
I loved that blog. My mother and I are rebuilding our relationship. I’m going to share this with her. I also have a 15 month old daughter. We just want to do things good. Thank You for sharing these revelations about your life.
Kelli Bledsoe says
Oh my Lord! This was word – for – word ME…how I act, feel & think. I am so thankful that God placed this in front of me. My prayer is that I have not irreparably damaged my children, spouse, loved – ones AND myself. I cannot wait to read your book!
Kelly says
Thank you so much for writing this, it resonated deeply with me. I look forward to buying and reading your book!
Ashley N. says
This was my comment above the link to your post when I shared it on Facebook: Four generations ago, someone bullied her daughter. That daughter grew up and married a wonderful man. She did the best she could to teach and shape them, but she didn’t know any different, so she bullied herself and her daughters as well. Those daughters grew up and, each in her own way, fought that vicious cycle and worked hard to give better to their children. I am one of those children. Now I have children and want to do even better by them than was done by me, but the same blood runs through my veins that started the whole mess. I fight the tendency to belittle and criticize every day, but I fight it. And if I die fighting it, I will be able to look my Savior in the face some day and He will embrace me and open the gate to a life where I don’t have to fight it ever again. Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your journey, and encouraging me on mine.
Maggie says
Hi there. I think what you are doing here is amazing. Wonderful. Life changing. And the best possible thing you could do for your daughter and many many other kids out there who are parented by bullies.
I feel that I can speak to this because I WAS the daughter of a bullying mom. She did the best she could, but love and affection and praise and unconditional support were not part of our relationship. And I suffered for it. I struggle with anxiety and constant feelings of intrinsic unworthiness. I have trouble building relationships with people, and I worry constantly that when I have kids I will do the same thing to them that my mom did to me. I am working with a counselor to overcome my issues, but it is a daily struggle and takes a lot of effort.
You are changing lives with your blog and your book. Making the world a better place one mom at a time. I wish someone like you could have been there for my mom. And for me. Keep fighting, keep trying, keep getting your words out there.
Jordan says
I am not a parent but these posts hit very close to home for me in other ways. I see so much criticism of parenting these days in contrast to how children were raised in previous generations. Concern about children’s self esteem and their feelings is mocked and ridiculed by so many which I think that is a terrible shame.
An amazing thing, though that it seems this generation’s parents have more than previous generations is a self awareness of how behaviors toward their children like berating, shaming and taking out their own unhappiness, issues and frustrations on their children affects them. And further a willingness to examine why they might be doing these things and to commit to stopping these harmful behaviors.
As I said, I am not a parent but I can imagine that this type of self evaluation and subsequent behavior change cannot be easy. But it sounds like it is worth it in how you describe the changes in your children. I think all of you are brave and amazing.
Jen says
I am so proud of you. I know I don’t know you, but God has obviously brought darkness into the light in your story, and has already touched so many people. Thank you for the courage to be honest, to be transparent. I pray that your book touches the hearts of many! I am putting it on my list to buy, read and share!
Jen
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Jen. This lifts my heart today.
Nathan L. says
I may be the only guy commenting on this, but this strummed my heartstrings today mostly because my wife and I just had one of our larger marital spats over this very issue. My youngest son just turned two and since his birth I have been perceptibly irritable, short and unhappy. A lot of that unhappiness is internal turmoil spewing out because I refuse to let down anyone else by expressing my weaknesses. I internalize everything and let myself beat myself up about my perpetual failures and shortcomings. I then project that dissatisfaction onto my kids and wife who are otherwise terrific except for their inability to meet my unrealistic expectations.
For my sake, for my wife’s sake, and for my children’s sake I have to make changes, and I was lost as to where to start until I read this blog. A simple, four-word phrase has inspired me to let go and relax and let my kids be who they are without projecting my perceptions and insecurities on them.
Thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I appreciate your honesty and sharing of your own painful truths. Your words will help someone today. I am certain of that. Thank you for taking the time to help someone else today.
I'm Trying says
I subscribed to your blog some time ago. I don’t always read the posts as soon as I get the email, but it never fails that when I do take the time to read them that they convict me of some truth or ugliness deep within. It feels as I could have written many of your words (if I had your talent, of course) I cannot thank you deeply enough for sharing your experiences and your painful truths. They slap me in the face, make me reflect, and most importantly give me hope.
Sam says
Thank you so much for sharing this story … Beautiful x
Michelle Bredine says
Rachel,
This is perfect timing for this post. I have been so angry lately which tends to get aimed at my two girls. I tend to yell at them for the littlest things. But, I’ve noticed over the years how my anger and yelling at them has broken their spirits, especially that of my oldest as she’s had to bare the brunt of it longer than her little sister. I have thought of you and your mission often during the course of the last year as I try to better my interactions and time spent with my girls. We’re getting better, but I have my moments when I fall off the wagon. Recently, I’ve started trying to look at myself with more love. Like you, I realized that maybe if I started with that, it would trickle out to those I hold most dear.
Thank you for sharing with us your struggles and I can’t wait to get my copy of your book!
Congratulations on the new book and happy holidays to your and your family.
Erin says
Thank you so much! this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I keep falling into this same rut with my oldest daughter (4) and I HATE it, and I keep vowing to change but I just don’t know how. My husband pointed out to me last night that he noticed she has been making a conscious effort to behave and obey, but I know that I need to change my attitude around her and toward her too. My husband and I tend to feed off of each other too, and then she ends up with both of us picking on her. I know I don’t treat her sister with the same frustration as I do her. I tell my husband all the time that he forgets that they are only children (he treats them older sometimes because they are so smart for their ages… 4 &2) but I am just as guilty. I think I am going to be reading and re-reading this post many times over the next little while.
Beth says
I would love to know at what point in my life I learned that if I treat myself like sh*t enough it will motivate me to want to do better. I think I do know because I watched my Dad do it and I watch him to this day beat himself up in the hopes that it will inspire positive change. It is just so backwards and bizarre and of course it doesn’t work. I try hard to not do this and I notice that in times of stress I revert back so easily. I know the antidote is to offer compassion in these moments to myself and I find myself offering my Dad compassion when he harshly judges himself and I can see the relief he feels. He learned that too from someone close to him and I know I don’t want my kids to learn, “if you tell yourself you suck 9 times, the 10th time you will magically be inspired to do your best.” Crazy logic that has so invaded my life but I know the awareness now will ease the future tendency to do this. It is so healing to hear you verbalize such similar patterns. Thanks for this wonderful post. The picture of your daughter and her garden is magical:)
Terra says
Yet again you have written the exact post that I needed to read at exactly the right time. I had tears running down my face because you have written exactly what has been going through my head. I am aware that changes need to be made but don’t know how to get there, but today you have given me the first step. Stop. Only love today. My behavior hasn’t developed overnight and I won’t be able to change it overnight but if I take it one step at a time I will get there eventually. Thank you so much for sharing. I am looking forward to your book and making 2014 my year to live hands free.
Brian says
This short caption hit me hard and made me cry no saw so many similarities in me and my daughter. I read it sitting at a counseling session for her stress. Unfortunately, she is 18 in two days and I pray I didn’t read this too late! She is my world!
Brian
Jessica says
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for this post!
Karyn says
Thank you for having the courage to post this. I am like the others…reading this with tears in my eyes. This self bully tendency is often passed down…as we know…from parent to child, etc etc. I’m 50….my 72 yr old mom just called me the other day. In the course of that conversation, she finally apologized to me. I had no idea I was waiting so long to hear it. Years and years of bullying….of her crushing my spirit. I am the older daughter…i was that daughter in your story.
When i was older and could decide for myself, I spent more years without her in it…pursuing my own path of healing. Trying. Now that we’re connected again, we’re talking more often but of nothing really very deep. So this day, I almost brushed it aside ( used to empty apologies and also knee jerk not wanting to upset her)…until she said it again. I decided to be quiet and let her talk…knowing it was for her as much as me. It was amazing. Very healing. For both. I feel a peace I’ve not felt in ages. Validation. Permission to be ME! 🙂
I know I bullied my 2 precious kiddos when they were younger. In my quest of self-love, it’s included them….and we’re all healing and loving…again, trying! And now and then we have open conversations about that. Open because i know this tendency is a part of them. Only with awareness can they choose differently. Choose to speak to themselves differently and choose to parent differently when the time comes.
Part of me wishes I’d read this years ago….part of me knows I wouldn’t have been ready to absorb it 🙂
THANK YOU again for the courage to write it. Love to those reading and raising young ones. xoxo
Wishing you “only love today”,
KH
Jessica says
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for this post.
Al says
As I’m sitting here bawling after reading your blog I’m also wishing this had been written two months ago. Maybe it would have opened my eyes, but chances are it wouldn’t have. I’m currently in a battle for my son (my oldest) who decided to leave me to go live with his dad. Now I see why. I didn’t even realize what I had been doing. I’m sharing this because even if it’s too late for me and my son, maybe someone else reading your blog and this comment will have their eyes opened in enough time to fix things.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so sorry, Al. I do hope maybe it’s not too late for you and your son to have a loving relationship. I commend you for taking a difficult look inward–from that place, there is healing and there is hope. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Lisa says
I love this story and see so much truth in it. However, I have a question. And it is not a criticism, just a question that I’m wondering if anyone has the answer to. When do we stop encouraging and bring the harsh reality of life into the picture? While a part of me wants to answer never, I am facing a situation I don’t know how to handle. I have an 18 year old son. He is about to graduate high school and either enter community college or the work force. There, he will be expected to know that sloppy work is not OK, that sometimes being goofy and affectionate is considered sexual harassment, that not doing the work right or the way you are told gets you fired. How are we to do both? How do we encourage, nuture, love and so on and still prepare them to function in the adult world? I’m not advocating bullying yourself or your child into perfection. God knows how I have failed to love myself and how that has impacted my children. Yet, now that I have learned to love myself, I still find myself with this question. If I had daughters, I would want them to one day fall in love with men who could hold a job and pay the bills and support their families (not that the daughters shouldn’t be capable of independence). How do you lovingly raise sons who can do that?
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thanks, Lisa. I definitely think there is a difference in setting realistic expectations for the way our children act and criticizing them in a manner that demeans or shames them. I taught boys with behavior issues for 9 years. I set expectations for the way they treated me and the way they treated each other. Offering boundaries to children is a loving thing to do. And setting realistic expectations show children you believe they CAN succeed. My story is about expecting unrealistic results or perfection from my child and not allowing her to make mistakes. I am talking about stepping back and allowing her to be who she is–this is not about condoning bad/poor behavior. This is about allowing children to freely live and learn.
Amy Green says
I think you have to differentiate between mistakes/accidents, and laziness. If your children are trying their hardest, and learning through mistakes, or if they just can’t do something well because of their age, that’s OK. But if they are just being lazy, that has to be addressed as not being OK. If there is something our 5yo daughter is capable of doing well and she doesn’t do it well, we talk to her about it. She also knows that working is what allows us to have a house, food, clothing, and fun things; we are trying to teach her the importance of work and money and will not be giving her a ‘free’ allowance when the time comes; she will have to earn it.
There is an appropriate time to be goofy/affectionate, and there is a time when it’s not appropriate (like, while listening to the teacher at school, for example). There is a balance to be struck between an ‘anything goes’ mentality and a militant disciplinarian mentality. No parent is perfect and we’re always adjusting to try to stay close to that balance!
Jacks says
Thank you so much for sharing. Your words resonated with so much of my own experience and they have reminded me to slow down, calm down and go easier on my kids…..
Judy says
Echoing the many comments before me, I too read today’s post with tear filled eyes. Too often that harsh bully is me too. My second youngest daughter is my “first” on-hands parenting experience (she came to us just before she turned two. My husband’s older children were at least five years older and not really my parenting responsibility). This daughter came with potential “danger” labels as much was unknown about her pre-natal exposure to drugs and/or alcohol – many problems that can arise, do not often present until age five or older. It was only after our youngest daughter was born that I started noticing things. We had some turbulent times here. I thought I was a poor parent. I watched and educated myself as best as I could. She was tested often but never once was there a conclusive diagnosis given. It was frustrating. There were behavior issues that neither my husband nor I were sure how to deal with. My husband is somewhat “old school” and thought that strictness would help. I was not always in agreement but knew that sometimes love was also not enough. Nothing seemed to work. We were frustrated. The school was frustrated. Our household was frustrated. After the first time I read one of your posts, a light came on. (I openly wept at that time). Maybe it wasn’t HER. Maybe it was ME. I had overwhelmed myself with education on the potential what-ifs, how-do-I-deal-with-this, how-to-work-around-whatever-she-might-have. I bullied myself to find answers. I struggled with what parenting techniques work or not. I never thought to STOP and ONLY LOVE TODAY. ( I love the way you have coined this). But after reading about “hands free” and being at a point of not knowing what else I could do, I did something similar and tried it. I stopped pursuing man’s answers to the enigma of the daughter God gave me. I prayed even more fervently than ever before. I then started to really SEE her. When she made a mistake, I noticed that she too had “that look” of fear and resignation into her eyes. It really hurt once I realized that I did that to her. My self-bullying and frustrations had spilled over to her. She didn’t need a diagnosis, she needed more unconditional love from me. She needed me to notice her. To play with her. To recognize her unique talents and abilities and what she CAN do rather than what she could not yet do. She needed me to realize that in a school designed for square shaped individuals, her swirling s-shape did not always fit in just right. She needed me to learn how to teach and reach HER in a way she could understand. To teach her teachers how to teach her. She needed me to let go of what I thought “might be” and allow her to “just be” who and what she is. By going hands free myself, I have found a better relationship with not only this special daughter, but with my whole family. This special child who bore the brunt of my learning mistakes is now flourishing. She is making wise choices and decisions. She is not afraid to make a mistake and when she does, she often sees it herself and comes to me to ask how we can work together to make it right. Wow. She laughs more. She dances freely. She giggles again. We all laugh and dance more. Last week, she came home with the best report card we have ever seen in this house. I can hardly wait to speak with her teachers tonight. This is the first time I’ll be going without having spoken to any of them extensively on the phone for weeks already! This special daughter of mine is flourishing and growing and shining. Yes, she may have some challenges yet to face. Don’t we all? I am confident we will get through each one stronger than before. She is now a role model to her younger sister. She is truly amazing. She is my living example and reminder of how important it is to STOP and ONLY LOVE TODAY. Your post today put those words together perfectly. It also showed me how far we have come. Bless you for sharing and helping us along in this journey.
katharine corp says
Thank you Rachel for being you,and then putting that beautiful you out here for us,to learn from,laugh with,and grow from…<3 Growth does not HAVE to be painful…..:-) You are a gift and i look forward to reading your book…thanks again <3
Amy Green says
I love reading your posts… they are always so moving and honest, and often bring a tear to my eye. I used to bully myself, though I never thought about it that way. But before I was married or had kids, with the help of some close friends, I started to be consciously aware of all the negative things I constantly said to myself, and recognize them as ‘tapes’ I was playing from messages I received in childhood. My parents were very loving and nurturing, but I was extremely sensitive (I’m an introverted artist). My mom used to call me “dummy” a lot and she thought of it more as endearing/teasing than mean. She was also a perfectionist and tended to be critical. I think we can also internalize negative messages from childhood (or even adult) peers. I practiced stopping each thought as it came up (including “I’m such a dummy”), just as you did, and after a while I didn’t have those thoughts anymore! Because of how my mom’s perfectionism affected me, I try to be very gentle with my 5yo daughter when accidents happen. She has inherited the perfectionist gene and one day she said to me, “I just want to do everything right all the time!” I saw this even when she was a baby; she didn’t want to try to walk until she knew she could do it without falling down. We’ve been trying to teach her that mistakes are normal, part of being human, and necessary for us to learn things. But of course sometimes we still get impatient and critical and have to really watch that!
Izabela says
Hi,
My story is very similar to yours, especially with my first born, who is only 4 years old: harsh words, choosing e-mail over story time, being impatient. Some time ago, after reading one of your posts, you motivated me to go and apologize to my daughter for being harsh with her one day. I said “I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was mad, but it was not your fault, sometimes I say mean things, and I don’t want to do that anymore.” Although she’s only 4, she’s very wise, and next time she saw I was starting to get tense, and was about to say something mean, she looked at me and said “mommy, are you getting mad but it’s not my fault?” Almost brought me to my knees! I hugged her, and loved on her, and just laughed, and then thanked her for being so smart and sweet. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Amy Green says
Your story reminded me of one of my most regrettable parenting moments, when my daughter was 3. She wanted to hold one of my OOAK collectible dolls, and I let her. A moment later the beaded headband on the doll broke and tiny beads went all over the floor, because she had tried to take it off. I got more mad at her than I have ever been before, and yelled a lot, and I didn’t calm down for about an hour. She was of course very upset and frightened. When I came back to my senses, it occurred to me that 1) she is more important than a material item, 2) I should have supervised her or not let her hold it, and 3) I can get the headband recreated. I apologized to her, but it took her a little while to recover. I still cringe when I think about that. I need to work on another of Rachel’s reminders about forgiving ourselves!
Consuelo Lyonnet says
Is Latin style parenting better than Gringo style??
http://thecitizenculture.com/2013/10/is-latin-style-parenting-better-than-gringo-style/
Katrina Brower says
I was very pleased to have found this and read this today, of all days. I have been having a rough time, being too hard on myself and i know i take it out on others, especially my 7 children. Reading this has made me realize that i am a bully too. I hope that i can change and b as positive as you and have only love today. I am trying so hard, but i feel myself falling apart. Thank u so much for sharing ur story, it truly does help.
Cindy says
All I have to say is, thank you.
Kama Perry says
Love this, I cried, alot. Wastotally me when my daughter waslittle..
Janene says
I’ve subscribed to your blog for awhile. I preordered the book a month ago (at least) but I have never been so moved to leave a comment before today. I feel like I could be reading about myself with my oldest. I felt the weight of the words bully. I might have thought it about myself at times but never uttered it aloud. And today I make a conscious decision to love and let the rest go…my pressure, my expectation, my irritation and my misunderstanding. Today I choose to live love…and come January 7th our book club/bible study has our next read.
Kristine says
This is gut-wrenching in its truth. I suspect it will be one I need to read and re-read from time to time.
Thank you for sharing.
Connie says
Thanks again Rachel! Have been working to be Hands Free for about 9 months now. Some days are great….some are not. Christmas has been REALLY hard! My perfectionist wants to come out and play all the time….but I am doing everything I can to enjoy the season and my daughter….even if the house is still dusty and I found cobwebs while putting up the decorations.
I needed this one today- which is of course the point of your writing. Thank you and keep writing!
ps: already ordered my book and another to give away!!! 🙂
KHQ says
I rarely comment on blog posts but this one really spoke to me… thank you. I know I am too hard on myself but never realized how it impacts my expectations for my son. I plan to take this post and your advice to heart.
Larry says
I wish I did not know exactly what you are talking about.
However, I know this situation very well. Too well.
I have some of the same issues. I am often fighting myself and feel so frustrated when I don’t live up to what I think I can be. I feel like crap when I wonder if I ever will reach my potential. My accomplishments are not enough. I also can be hard on others and have similarly high expectations.
I really enjoyed this piece. It is a true success story where everyone has won.
Libby says
Simply beautiful… it means so much to hear your perspective and to know I’m not alone.
You’re giving all moms such a gift! Thank you ~
I’ve learned that every time I open one of your posts, I must have tissues next to me… every single time!
Jillian says
This was such a difficult post to read as I identify with it so much. It is so helpful to know I’m not alone in this judging from the comments on this post. My daughter is struggling with self-esteem issues and I definitely am harder on her than her younger brother. Everyday I tell myself I will respond and not react, but I often fail at this. It is hard to remember all of the good stuff I do when I am beating myself up for the bad stuff. I love that quote “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” Today I will say STOP. Only love.
Liz says
This is beautiful and perfect timing for me. My daughter just turned 1 and I’m realizing the journey of raising her with loving (and imperfect) hands has just begun. Thank you for sharing….Only Love Today – beautiful!
Christi says
I SO needed to hear this today. This is day 5 of being stranded in the house thanks to the bad weather. My patience seems to be skating on the same thin ice that surrounds our house! Thanks for the reminder and fresh perspective!
Stephanie Dreyer says
I can relate all too closely to what you share in this post (and many others). Thank you for being a constant source of inspiration and motivation to focus on what really matters. You are an angel to me. Can’t wait to read your book and share it with others.
Olivia says
Ahh, Rachel. Thank you for returning to your epiphany once again, for finding new and creative ways to drive the same message home week after week, for the immense capacity you teach us all to reflect on our errors and to be a force for positive change in our own lives.
I´ve been Hands Free now for a few months and I´m loving it. I love too how your message grows with each post and I applaud your decision to include your parents and their opinions of you in this post, that must have been especially hard. Keep shining that bright light of yours, you are a true beacon and the very best of the holiday spirit to you and yours.
Amy says
This would have made me sob if I had read it a month ago. Thankfully I have begun the journey of loving my son after years of bullying him. I have seen changes very quickly! Your phrase “Stop. Only love today.” is similar to what I said about a month ago… I wanted to tattoo this on my hand to always remember it: “STOP. Just love him.” Thanks for being honest with where you were at and for sharing how you have changed. I am on the journey too.
Tracie says
Sad to say, but this is my life……You described it perfectly. The part that really makes me look in the mirror was your story about your daughter hurting herself and you getting upset that it threw you off your schedule. That very same thing happened to me the other day as I was trying to get my youngest out the door to pick up my eldest from school. She fell on the stairs and instead of comforting her, I immediately started to stress out about being late. Instead of holding her and wiping away her tears, I got mad and blamed her for not paying attention to what she was doing. Instead of consoling her, I rushed her out the door and into her car seat and then I continued to get upset as she cried. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am constantly reminding myself to take the clock off from around my neck. I live in hope that I can change like you have.
Erica says
That part really hit home for me too. And what you just described about the events that happened while trying to get out the door to pick up your eldest from school…..you just took a page right out of my life, lots of pages, actually….that has happened here, word-for-word, so many times!! Thank you for sharing your story. Let’s both work really hard on changing our stories! 🙂
Heidi says
Thank you so much f or this post. I desperately needed it today. I have felt so overwhelme d as a mother lately and am noticing that my own inner bully is becoming more present esp. With my kids. Thank you for reminding me to stop and reconsider.
Jen says
It’s very sad to read so many posts all saying how much they relate to this article. I, just like the others, read this with tears in my eyes. I have battled with my oldest daughter (middle child) since she was 4, she’s now 9. She is complicated and can be tough, but now looking back I know that by not addressing her “behavior” with more loving patience or interest that I have perpetuated it all. This realization leave me with great guilt and worry for the next coming years. “If she’s this tough at 9 (and I feel such a mess) what’s age 13 going to be like (for both of us)”. I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to make changes because there’s seems to be so much that needs change. I have come to realize that this stems from being too hard on myself and the need to make or keep a good impression. I am too concerned with what others think or feel. At times I feel my confidence, although outwardly admirable, internally feels false. I’ve gotten too good at faking it and it’s left me unsatisfied and unfulfilled. This of course is exhausting. As another Mom said because she’s so hard on herself she becomes overly critical of others and it negatively effects her relationships; it’s very true. Another sad truth is that most Moms don’t share these secrets with other Moms, or if we do it’s jokingly, because we’re all too concern with being perfect. So unfortunately I have become very good at pushing those feelings away or numbing them out, literally, which of course only makes it all that much harder. I am glad to have read this post today. I will get your book because I am hungry for strategies, steps, or practices to give me some re-enforcement that it’s not so overwhelming. Thank you!
Karina says
Thank you very much for writing this! It is something I have felt about myself for a long time but have not had the courage to acknowledge it or fix it. I think back to the parenting I was raised with and compare myself to that and reassure myself that at least I’m not as hard on my kids as my parents were on us. However, it took me into adulthood to learn how to love myself for who I am. I don’t want mine to suffer that way. I want to break the cycle and teach my kids how to love themselves always! I appreciate this and I am looking forward to reading your book.
Tanya F says
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You are an inspiration and your posts help me strive to be a better parent and I know the challenges I face everyday I am not facing alone.
Thank you!
Pat says
I feel like you pulled my story out of my heart. Thank you for putting it into words and giving me a hopeful path towards change.
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for sharing this brave and beautiful story. Every time I catch myself being a bully to my daughter (or myself!) I am going to repeat your mantra. “Stop! Only love today!”
LD says
I desperately need help with this. I struggle on a daily basis finding the line between teaching my kids responsibility and “making them better people” and making them feel like they are not good enough. I especially struggle in the areas of making them keep up with school work and picking up after themselves. I have turned into a nag and I know they don’t enjoy being around me sometimes because I am constantly on them. How do you find the line and know when you cross over into making them feel like they are not good enough, instead of just wanting them to grow into responsible people. I have seen the some parents who are unbalanced the other way, constantly the cheerleader while their kids show no responsibility or ability to do their best work because the parents don’t want to hurt their self esteem. I look forward to getting your book and hope it is not too late for me to learn how to not put so much pressure and expectations on my kids who are already young teens. Thank you for your very important and inspiring work.
Amy Green says
Rachel mentioned ‘boundaries’ in an earlier reply to someone’s comment who had a similar question. Before my daughter was born, my husband and I both read the book “Boundaries with Children.” It addresses that very issue. In a nutshell, there are consequences for misbehavior, such as time outs, taking away toys or privileges, and so on… which means that instead of nagging or yelling (which just makes the child get angry/resentful at the parent), the parent can calmly set and enforce the consequence… preferably a consequence that is related to the behavior somehow (and not too harsh or too light). It’s really a wonderful book which has been invaluable to our parenting! We personally use a responsibility chart with our daughter, which also rewards good behavior, since if she gets enough stickers she gets some kind of reward at the end of the week… and of course praising her for things she does well.
Amy Green says
Oops, the book is “Boundaries with Kids.”
LD says
Thank you Amy. I used to do a lot of charts when they were younger. I sort of dropped off now that they are older in doing a reward system. I stayed home with them when they were young and I think I was a lot more patient then. When I started back to “work outside the home” when they all got in school, I notice I have had a harder time with my expectations of them and lack of patience, because we are all so busy and rushed and overextended. Thank you for your non-judgmental response. I will get the book. Thanks.
Sophie says
Another wonderful, amazing book by the same author is “Changes That Heal.” I recommend this highly as a companion book for your own inner battles, as it addresses bonding and separating, boundaries, sorting out good and bad, and becoming a true adult. We have to put on our own oxygen masks first…. I just wish I took these concepts more seriously when my daughter was growing up. Now she’s 20, and I regret all of the stress that occurred it our home during her young years, and the distance it created. No one person is responsible for this, but as the adult we are called to set the tone.
Amber says
I feel I somehow supernaturally wrote the first 1/2 of your blog (except replace “daughter” with “son”). This describes my life, in detail, right down to my mothers opinion. In fact, I told my husband this morning that something has to give. We are both so impatient with our 6 year old son, who happens to be ADHD and until 9 weeks ago was an only child. Now, his behavior has gone downhill and I feel like, more than ever, all we do is stay on him about what he is doing wrong. I’m about at my wits end and I don’t have a clue how to “stop” with the constant frustration and aggravation I feel towards him everyday. I really hope to get your book. Maybe it will help and give me some kind of idea where to start. Thank you for writing this because I felt like I must be the most horrible, unworthy parent on earth. I’m glad to know other people go through the same things!
Samantha Retzlaff says
Rachel, I very much needed to read this as it has my name written all over it! My heart hurts that I am so hard on my stepson who is 13. I have been with his father since he was 6 years old and I struggle EVERY day to find the strength to overcome the same challenges you have overcome. While my situation has a few differences with my son being my step son, I also struggle with the support I truly long for and need from my husband too!
Thank you for sharing this as it is so good to know that there are other mothers in the world with the same struggles I have. I am very much anticipating reading your book once it comes in. God Bless you!
-Samantha
Scott Sheperd says
You never cease to amaze me. Wonderful post!! It made me think of a time I was with my oldest daughter who is now a mother herself. We were in a grocery store and there was a big container of oversized inflated balls they were selling. She backed into it by accident and the balls started rolling all over the store. For a split second she was startled and then she looked at me with a hint of apprehension until I started laughing out loud. We had a great time picking up all the balls. There was a little test there and I feel good to think I passed it.
Heather says
Wow…all I can say is wow. It’s like holding up a mirror, and I cried at what I saw…I’ve been doing the same behavior, and this made it crystal clear. Only love, what a fantastic concept and I hope to successfully stop this cycle, and I’m going to begin today. Thank you!
Misti J says
Wow, I sat here crying uncontrollably… its like you were telling my very own story! I have a lot to change. As I look into my little boys eyes, I see this amazing little guy and then a mom with a horrible temper and no patience. I am waisting a lot of time yelling and no not enough time loving! Thank you, I can’t wait to get your book!
Chrissy says
Hi Rachel! Every time you write, my eyes fill with tears as it is as though you are writing about me. This post was the closet yet. I feel I have lost the understanding of what my eldest ‘stands for’ and struggle with all the challenges you wrote about. When I lost my job in 2012 I took the opportunity to do a 1 year teaching degree, which is incredibly intense here in the UK. I chose this to be able to spend quality time with my family during school holidays rather than pack them off to holiday clubs. But right now, I am only adding to my ‘should monsters’. I should be studying more, I should be supporting my boys more, I should be… On top of this I have always expected too much of my eldest as he is so mature for his years. Reading your post is like taking time to regroup. I promise to use your mantra: Only love today. I take faith in your story that it is possible. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your strength. You are truly incredible. Bless you xx
Marcia says
Thank you!! This comes at a perfect timing in my life. Last couple of years I was taught that by letting my kids misbehave (kids acting lime kids, now I call it), I wasn’t helping them thrive and grow to be the men they needed to become, and that made me a bully of a mom, expecting perfection coming from them, when I, myself was failing at the most basic mom responsibilities… To bring up happy kids. This will help me reconsider how I encourage my kids, and how I let them grow in their own personal way.
A.Smith says
Wow, this is the most powerful post I’ve read in a long time. Bless you for humbling yourself in front of the world… you have indeed made it a better place to live.
Chrysti says
Hi Rachel. Reading your story felt like i was reading about myself. My first born girl is awesome but for some reason she can neva do rite by me. I always hear myself putting down, critisizing, blaming her if i hear my boys crying. I see the pain in her eyes and it hurts me. I feel like i cant stop. I am going to try your technique and hoping it works 🙂 wish me luck 🙂
Adriana says
Touched my heart! Your very brave to open yourself and through your touching words I have seen myself many times. I will do better! Thank you, Adriana
Michelle says
I love the simplicity of the reminder to STOP! Only love today… I just made 5 reminders throughout my home in key places to help me stay on track with not bulling myself, my husband or my daughter. I am guilty of all of these. I just found your blog and look forward to following you and reading your book in January!
Mom says
Wow. I just read your post on Facebook and had the exact same situation occur about 30 minutes before reading this. My two daughters were playing in the basement and my youngest started to cry hysterically. I ran down and looked at my oldest and said “What did you do’? It turns out that she just tripped over an empty box on the floor but I jumped to a conclusion and immediately blamed my oldest daughter. After reading your story I realized how much I blame, correct, criticize, and complain about things they do. I need to focus on the positive and point out the little things they do well each day. Thank you for the wonderful advice.
tiffany blake says
This story mirrors my life to an unbelievable T. Thanks for the inspiration!
Heather says
Beautiful. Just what I needed to read as I am way too hard on myself and my 7 year old daughter in turn. I just started trying to slow down and build her up the past couple weeks, and this really hit home. Thank you, and congrats to you for fixing your situation.
Albina Baumung says
Wow Rachel, I am truly deeply touched reading this post and just reading into it I really wanted to check out the book at amazon right away. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing this. I feel sometimes, that there a so many moms that are not disciplined and organized, but I started to see that my perfectionism is in the way of so many moments of happiness and laughter with my family. I am sure God is trying to teach me this right now and I am so thankful I saw this posted on facebook by a friend. I’m glad I interrupted my schedule for a while to look into it and I just wanted you to know that. Thank you.
Jill says
Rachel…I am so impressed and inspired by your honesty. It takes real courage to write about what you were experiencing and what a blessing that you had the awareness and insight to see what was going on inside of you. I am a mother as well and Lord knows I have made plenty of very human errors and I believe it is shame that keeps us so sick and preventing us from healing. I would like to share that I raised my son (now 18 years old and in college) as a pet project often times and raised him as the wounded child I was and still am. I was overprotective, overly doting, coddled him and went over the top in my pursuit of his safety. He doesn’t seem too affected by it but I don’t know what his perspective on his childhood will be as he grows into the man he is becoming. He is an amazing young man and has an incredible role model of a father and I am so grateful for that. Thank you for sharing, for your honesty and integrity…God Bless!!!
Carrie says
Where was your husband during all of this?
Sherri says
I came across this blog post because a friend shared it on Facebook! Thanks for your honest words. Even though my only child is grown with a family of her own, I, too, have a bully breathing down my neck, and am going to start using “Stop, only love today!”
Gin says
Life changing. For me and my oldest daughter. Thank you. “Only love today”.
Farina says
I see myself in your post but with a difference.. The difference is I bully my husband. My anger at my self is also directed him. He is a sweet, kind man and I’m grateful he never left me for my critical, acerbic tongue. My father planted the seed of doubt in my mind when he asked my mom, “What’s going to become of her, she’s not good looking like her sister.” He didn’t know I was right outside the room and heard it all. Of course he beat everyone in the house except for me. Me, he called a whore. I never felt so ashamed and degraded. I was just a kid. I never planned for a single thing. I never saw a future. I didn’t even realize it till I was grown and someone asked me When you were a kid, what did you want to be when grew up?” I never even thought about it. Plans? An occupation? Marriage? I didn’t get married until I was almost forty. (I believed every man was like my father, an abusive serial cheater. ) I never thought about the next day. I was busy trying to destroy myself in every conceivable way. I’ve spent my whole life telling myself I can’t do it. Whatever it is I become interested in right away the voice inside my head dispels any idea that I can do it or be good at it. It’s paralyzing. I’m old enough to know there are things I have potential to be good at but I haven’t pursued them.. My husband has so much faith in me and encourages me. My biggest fear is that I will die without fulfilling what I’m here to do. I’m afraid I will fail or be judged a failure so I never finish what I start to do. I am trying to control my thinking and what I say to myself and you’ve given me another tool to use. Thank you for your openness and humility. It takes a lot to say what you have and include a name and a face with it. Thank you for sharing with us.
Liz says
To Farina; I have a similar past story, but even when I was the top in career and had grown into my own beauty, my parents still were never pleased, there would always be something wrong with me. Sadly I married someone like my father.
I am so glad the author of this article by the grace of God has been able to see what she was doing wrong, and has the courage to humble herself to set things right and continue that good path. When a child grows up to be an adult with no sense of that hope she has now, the chance of her marrying an abusive spouse is pretty high. Blessings.
Kristin Shaw says
Oh yes, I have been here. With both my husband and my son, and I don’t feel good about it. But I can tell you that every story you tell sticks with me, and I think about ways I can be better. Love to you!
Kristie says
Thank you for this! I’ll buy your book. I am a 31 yr old mom of 4. I don’t work, only stay home with my girls and am stressed often. Although they are young they are evolved in everything. I often take my stress and control issues out most on my oldest like you said, although she’s only 5. She doesn’t deserve it, but it’s easier said then done to just stop and let go. I’m excited that this book might help me take a different approach to raising them with accidents being okay …before they grow up too much and start acting just like me. Yikes. Thank You!
Angela says
Thank you so much for this. It brought me to tears because I realized that my childhood was that of the exact mother you were describing, followed by a marriage that frighteningly mimics that of my childhood. I am since remarried and have an 8 month old son. Thank you for bringing this to my attention as I am confident that I would do the same to my son. This article has done more for me than many years of therapy. I can begin to express my gratitude.
Jael Barrios says
Hi Rachel,
I just found your blog and my discovery could not have come at a more perfect time in my life. It is so reassuring to read your story, and that you had the courage to put pen to paper (or rather keys to computer!) And share your struggles and overcoming these demons with the world!
I thank you so profusely for it as I am fighting these exact demons in my life right now with myself and my daughter (she is my eldest child too).
I have started a journey myself, but it is the hardest thing to ocercome when you have so much anger inside against yourself. I write this with tears flowing down my face as your writings have struck such an emotional cord in my heart I cannot even begin to explain it.
My only hope and dream is to see my daughter blossom and flourish the way yours has. It breaks my heart to see the fear of me in her eyes.
Overcoming my inner bully will be a long journey, but I am hoping with reading your book that it will guide me down the right path.
Thank you again for your courage and this emotional journey you share.
Xoxo Jael
Angel Tsunami says
I have tears streaming down my face. My eldest is home today. You described your relationship with your daughter exactly as I would describe mine with my son. And the bully in my head is extremely hard on me, too.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing. For reminding me I’m human and that tomorrow- no, EVEN TODAY- could be better, if we make a choice to love today.
-Angel (themommytsunami)
Kelly says
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this today. I actually needed to hear this yesterday and the day before that and so on. You have really opened my eyes and made me think about my relationship with my children and how it has been affected by my inner bully. Especially my oldest.
Sarah says
This is the first time I have visited your blog and this article really spoke to me.
I have a 2.5 year old daughter and 1 year old son who are both on the receiving end of my quest for perfection. They are babies figuring out the world and I am basically forcing them to be mini-adults. Yikes.
Your post has really made me think and reconsider how I am parenting them. Thank you for sharing your story.
George Ontiveros says
Thank you! With tears in my eyes I want to thank you!!! I have a 14 yr old who I have torn down to nothing….I hope it is not too late, but I am going to try and let only love today and every day from this point on.
Lisa says
I am inspired by what you have done in your life and the life of your daughter…I look forward to reading your book, in hopes to change my controlling/critical ways toward my own daughter…I just hope it is not too late as she is already 14.
Carla says
Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your journey with us….truly beautiful article.
George Ontiveros says
With tears in my eyes, I want to thank you. I think deep down inside I have known for awhile that I am a bully to my 14 yr old son. However, I never looked at the fact that I am bullying myself. After I read your entry I immediately called my son to the room. He walked in and I asked him to close the door. When I told him to have a seat on the bed he sat as far away from me as he could. I immediately broke down and apologized to him for being a bully. I explained to him that I would do my best to change. I could see in his body language a sense of security…it absolutely broke my heart! Have I forced my son to go all this time without feeling secure around his own dad!? I assured him that things would change…. Thank you again! I hope I do not screw this up. I don’t want him thinking he can’t trust my word.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, George! This is so powerful! To read that you have already taken major steps to ask for forgiveness and start the process to change is truly inspiring! I really appreciate you taking the time to share your actions. Let us all follow your lead.
Tiffany says
Wow! Your experiences bring me to tears every time I read them. Thank you for being so genuine and transparent!!!!! I felt as though you were describing me to a t. Thank you! Can’t wait to read your book!
Jennene says
Thank you for sharing this beautiful post Rachel. Reading this post reminded me of how I was before I started making changes in my own life and becoming a more loving parent and person, letting go of perfectionism and learning to love myself so that I could love others more. Love heals all things.
Love the photo of you with your book, Congratulations! This must be exciting for you.
Renee Blauch says
I too came to this realization just about a week ago with my oldest son and I am making changes to be the kind of mom he needs and I want to be. Thank you for sharing your experience. It always helps to know you’re not the only one. I hope that the changes I make will make a difference in my sons life…ONLY LOVE
Sach says
I’m crying as I read this! Thank you for sharing…I didn’t realise this was me but it is. I’m working so hard to try and get life on track so we can have more family time together that I forget to enjoy and nuture what I have.
Sharyn Friedman says
I am a “yeller” and I remember my therapist telling me that yelling can bring down the self esteem of whomever you are yelling at. Well I have yelled at my husband, children, dog, cat, friends. I hate when I do that. The most recent time that Iwent off was during a holiday. I had gone upstairs to take a quick shower before the family came over. When I was just finishing up, I smelled something burning. I had asked my 16 year old son, who loves to cook, to take the roast out of the oven for me. Well apparently when he did, the gravy had spilled over and gotten all over the oven and there was HUGE mess. Now, my house was filled with all the family (my parents, in laws, etc) and I was told that it really wasn’t his fault, that the pan was flimsy. I disregarded that comment as if it was never heard and I proceeded to go off on my son. I told him that the dinner was ruined because of him (which is was NOT), that I had asked him to do ONE thing for me and he couldn’t even do that. I berated this poor child, the son that I love more than life itself, in front of everyone. It was terrible. I apologized to him pretty quickly, but he was so sad. He had tears in his eyes. He said that he was sorry he ruined dinner (which he hadn’t) and that he had messed up. I could not take back anything I said and worst thing was I had done this in front of the entire family. How humiliating for HIM. That was about 3 months ago. I still find myself crying over what I did to him and I am still apologizing to him. He has forgiven me but I have not forgiven myself. This post hit home for me. I am probably the biggest bully I know! I berate myself all the time (I am too fat, I am not good enough, etc). I find myself trying to find ways to make sure that I am liked by everyone. I am the ultimate people pleaser. Aside from hurting myself, I hurt my kids and they mean everything in the world to me. I think it’s time to refrain from yelling (and the nasty sarcastic comments I make as well) and from getting myself so bent out of shape over things. I think I need to order your book! Thank you for sharing something so important!
Jessica says
We truly are our own worst enemies. As much as it pained me to read your article, it pained me even more to reflect on myself as a parent. I just came out of a two day training seminar for my Jr. high students on how to be ambassadors against bullying, and never once did it cross my mind of how my “bullying” actions may affect my children. They are a piece of me, they loves of my life, and our future leaders; however, they are going to learn by example, and we need to reflect on the example that we are creating for them. I have too often blamed my oldest when my youngest is in tears. And for what? For the chance not to seek out the truth, survey the surroundings, or accept that accidents happen? Earlier today I vowed to let the calendar on my phone become my best friend, but I’ve added a new resolution that I will not wait until January to put into effect… I will be a better mom. Better than the mom that I have been, the best mom that my kids deserve. Thank you for shedding light on this taboo topic. Brave of you.
Dera Scott says
Omg, THANK YOU. I happened across your story by accident and am I ever glad I did. As I sat here reading it I couldn’t contain the tears spilling from my eyes. I have been living as “the bully” to my own two boys. We get so caught up in getting to the next place, doing the next “thing”, withought considering what we need, all we need is right in front of us. So thank you again, for making me look at myself through your story.
Shauna says
Beautiful thoughts, Rachel. Thanks for sharing your ugly – it’s the ugly of so many of us…including me. “Only love today.” Got it. Good stuff.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, lovely friend. It warmed my heart to see you’d stopped by. I appreciate the supportive words.
Jean says
Thank you, Rachel. I was able to write my son this letter after reading your post. I so desperately hope that I can stop this nonsense I keep repeating with my son and to myself.
______________
My child, I’m sorry to have made you feel like a complete failure for school and as a student, when the only mistake you made was to forget to go to concert support. You have forgotten to do many things over the semester, such as to do or turn in your homework, etc., but that does not make you unfit for school – I was wrong. That is WHY you NEED school and the time to learn from your many mistakes (today and tomorrow and on and on), so that you can better cope with and deal with your mistakes but also to experience the little joy and confidence that can come from overcoming an obstacle or achieving a challenge one at a time, one by one. We all make mistakes from time to time, and I especially forget to do a lot of things many times. The important thing is to try to not make the same mistake over and over again. Feeling bad about ourselves and fearing that everything is over – that we have to quit school, or quit being a parent, or quit working – just because of a small mistake is being too hard on ourselves. In trying to be “perfect”, we can discourage ourselves down to destruction, because NOBODY IS PERFECT.
…
So I am sorry that I was wrong, AGAIN. The penalty system was a mistake. It was my perfectionism gone wrong again. I admit and accept my mistake and will try not to repeat this mistake again. I will stop trying to be perfect, and requiring perfection from you, too. Instead of judging you or criticizing you for missing your school work or forgetting your schedules, etc., I will help you more to keep your schedules and to learn to become a more responsible student. You are, by far, more responsible than me, I know. You do so well at keeping your daily schedule of going to school, doing squash and clarinet, and doing your homework, etc. I realize I am in no position to judge you for forgetting, because I am the most forgetful person I know arond me. kk
…
So let’s stop the impossible pursuit of perfection. Forget the penalty system. You are too precious, so deserving, and so full of so much love, compassion, strength, talent and potential to waste your energy on worrying about the impossible! I will be a better supporter for you to spend your positive and bright energy on what you should do as a student, and what you want to do and should do as a teenager – which is to fool around with your friends from time to time! YOU are what you make of your life! A perfect life is not what I want from you nor from myself. A positive life and outlook with belief in ourselves that we can overcome mistakes, hardships, obstacles, challenges, discouragements, sadness, loss, bad grades, etc. – that is what I want for you, for me and for everyone I love.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
WOW! Jean, thank you for sharing the letter you wrote to your son! You have given us all a tool that we might use to articulate similar healing and empowering thoughts to our precious loved ones. I am truly grateful for your courage in sharing what had to be incredibly hard to write. I call what you done here as “stepping into the light of realness.” I cannot thank you enough for stepping there with me–together we are not alone. There is hope.
Ashley says
Thank you. I struggle with this too. I guess I always had this idea of how my kids would be, and my oldest is completely opposite. I have noticed it a lot since we started formally homeschooling, and I try, but I think your method may help too. Sometimes it is so hard to remember how little they really are!
Katie Knight says
I have thought of this same topic so many times: I have a couple of things that I try to remember. There is a famous Broadway song called “Children Will Listen” It’s a cautionary song to parents. One of the lines is this, “What do you leave to your child when you’re dead? Only whatever you put in it’s head” This is so true both in a negative and positive way. The other is a quote that says, ” You are building your child’s inner voice 1 word at a time.”
Thank you for this GREAT post!.
Katie Knight
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Powerful stuff! Thank you for taking time to share that, Katie!
Melissa W says
Thank you for this article. Like many others, I read it with tears in my eyes as I recognized myself as the bully mother and my 7 year old as the daughter. Just today I found myself getting annoyed and sighing as were were getting ready for school. I yelled and actually saw her eyes well up and she was flinching as I was yelling. I remembered thinking to myself ” why would I treat someone I love more that life itself like this?” I would never talk to a patient at work like this so why is it acceptable to treat my daughter like this. I am guilty of bullying myself to have the perfect house, family, and life but at what cost. I want to be a different mother so I’m making a pledge here for all to see that I will start at this moment to take a breath before I speak when annoyed or angry. I vow to only let my children see love in my eyes. I do not want my children’s (especially my oldest daughters) memories only to be the Mom who is constantly yelling, hurrying them, or cutting them down. Thank you for having the courage to post this because it was just the spark I needed!!!
Leza says
Purely remarkable. Thank you for your honesty. Perfect timing! I will order your book.
Michelle says
Wow. This hit so close to home. I feel like I could have written it about myself and my first born son. I’m working so hard on it. He deserves so much better. Can’t wait for your book to come out.
Holli says
I can barely type through my tears……my heart breaks for what I have been doing to my 5 year old daughter and I want to change, I just don’t know where to begin. I am an only child to a very critical mother and I don’t want to be her to my girls. Please pray for me.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You can count on my prayers for you, Holli. I will be praying you begin to use a more loving and peaceful response with your precious girl. It is possible. Small steps. Just begin with one.
Julie says
Thank you so much for sharing this. As I was reading, I recognized myself in your words. I would never have thought about it as bullying myself. I find myself being very hard on my oldest child. My sweet, sweet boy. Tomorrow (because my two are in bed) I will tell my self to STOP! before I say anything to them or to myself. I have just recently started reading HFM and I am so thankful to have found your blog. Thank you for sharing your journey and for helping me to start mine.
Kate says
Thank you so very much for this. You have so eloquently and brilliantly called out my soul. Thank you for giving a voice to my inner voice and helping me see that I need to stand up to myself if I ever hope to stand up for the ones I love. Blessings to you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Kate. This is beautifully stated: ” Thank you for giving a voice to my inner voice and helping me see that I need to stand up to myself if I ever hope to stand up for the ones I love.”
Kimberly Williams says
Thank you so much for your courage and truthfulness in your story. Reading it brought tears to my eyes! I felt like I was reading my own story, I have gone through something similar with my oldest daughter and realized it about a year ago. I love my daughter so much and our relationship has improved so much over the last few months….I’m so glad to know I’m not alone…..
Meme says
Thank you!! I struggle with this, only it’s my oldest son who I’m working to repair how I’ve “bullied” him. I didn’t even make it through the first paragraph and tears were steaming down my face. I’ll be ordering your book. Everything you said is true, I bully myself 100 times a day at least. Thank you, I’m not alone!
Toina says
Thank you. I just saw me in this message from years of having my own mother bullying me and me trying so hard not be like her and I’m afraid I am. My beautiful two year old doesn’t deserve it. Thank you.
mom2girls says
I am literally crying my eyes out right now ! You were talking to me !! I cry every night about something I did or said to my oldest and vow every night to do better tomorrow and I somehow do good for a while but then the comments fly again and I constantly beat myself up 🙁 its a vicious cycle and I feel like I’m drowning ! I would love love your book !!!
Cassie says
Thank you! I can very much relate to these struggles, and it gives me hope and encouragement to read about your change and how it blessed your family.
Nicole says
Thank you for this. I needed to hear it. Now to apply it.
Nicole says
This was unexpected and timely. I must have been ready to see it. Thank you.
Jenn says
God knew I needed you to write this. Thank you. Thank you being brave enough to share this.
Just thank you.
Kelly Marsh says
Wow this hit home! I was a teacher for 9 years before quitting to stay home with my son. I am now a stay at home mom who runs an in home day care. Since I have been home I am a bully to myself! I let myself believe I am not enough. My son (4) is an absolute joy who I adore but I snap too much. I love my husband (together for 19 years, married for 12) but we are in a rough place right now. I am going to stop and have only love today! Thank you! Can’t wait for your book.
Kristin says
This was exactly what I needed to hear today. My oldest child and I currently have a very strained relationship because I am constantly doing and saying things that I know in the back of my mind aren’t right. Reading this has inspired me to do everything I can to change my attitude and our relationship. Thank you!
Chacoy says
Such a beautiful post! We are often so wrapped up in being busy that we forget that there needs to be room for mistakes, messes, growth and most of all love and acceptance!
Heather says
This touched me beyond words. I am angry all the time and I don’t know why. My oldest, 5, gets the brunt of that anger. I’m always yelling, always frustrated.. and I am guilty of bullying him. He has emotional problems and I know that it’s a reflection of me. My heart hurts knowing I am breaking his heart. My anger is deep and years of self bullying. I don’t know how to cool the rage or feeling of disappointment in myself. I don’t want my son to grow up thinking he’s broken when it’s his mother. He’s the love of my life along with his baby brother. I hope I can make the changes to be the mother my son needs and deserves and to stop beating myself up about it. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in my struggle.
Michelle says
Thank you so much for this. With tears streaming down my face, I have not been able to put into words how the relationship between my 7 yo daughter and myself has gone awry. I thank you for opening my eyes to how I can change to make it better. You hit the nail right on the head, and I’m so glad there is hope!
Denise says
This is me. Thank you for sharing your personal journey. I don’t know why but I hadn’t realized that the bullying I was doing to myself would lead to that treatment of my children. Thank you and I am sure my children thank you too.
Morgan says
This post spoke to me in so many ways. I’ve realized that I do the same thing with my oldest daughter and I’m just hoping it’s not too late to change. I have tears in my eyes and just want to go wake her up to give her a hug. She is the most sweetest, caring and compassionate child I have ever met, yet I am so hard on her. I’m much harder on her than I am my youngest. We are always so busy running here and there and trying to be perfect. This has definitely changed my thoughts and opened my eyes to what’s most important. Thank you so much for sharing.
Natalia says
Hi. I’m a child in this story, not a parent. The beginning of the story is the story of my childhood. It took years of my adult life to figure out that it was not my fault that I was treated this way and I did nothing to deserve it. I have never done it to my kid as I know exactly how it feels, but I am still struggling trying to bring my own self-esteem to the point where it’s supposed to be, even though I have done a tremendous reconstruction of my thoughts already. I feel for every child I see being broken by their parents and I wish I could help them all. You found the mental and emotional strength to understand your mistakes and correct them. You literally saved your daughter and you are saving other people’s kids by writing this. Thank you ! What you are doing is huge. Don’t ask me how I know.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Natalia. Your message is stronger and more eye-opening than anything I could ever write. I am listening to what you have to say and I know others will be too. You have helped many with your share. May you find inner peace and healing, dear one.
Heather says
Wow! What a beautiful post! You are honest and brave, two of the best qualities a mom can possess.
Jessica says
Hi, thank you so much for sharing your story. I currently am where you were with your child. I hate it and that I’ve made things this way. I feel like and know I need to change but I’m conflicted as I run a home daycare and I can’t seem to balance things between work and family life. I’ve become such a bully over the past few years. I can see the change in my husband and son. I feel so horrible and just want to change. Thank you for your inspiration.
Cheryl says
I only wish my Mom could have read this when I was little!
Noelle Cooper says
Beautiful. Sat crying as I was reading it. Have a 3yr old, a 23mth old and a 6 mth old, all boys :). I try not to be too hard on our eldest, but I sometimes find myself having to apologise, too. Good to know it’s not just me, and that it can be overcome (even if it takes a lot of hard work and time). Thanks for the post.
Noelle
Kelly says
Thank you thank you. You have reminded me that perfection is not key. When things don’t go my way or fast enough for me I get anxious. And it comes out as criticism and bullying my kids and husband. I am not proud of it and try to stop but forget. I will remember your little mantra ” Only love today”
Krisi says
I just saw my life through your words. Stop will be my new favorite word starting as soon much as my eyes open in the morning. And I will be getting your book in January. Thank you!
Noelle Cooper says
Loved this.
I love our eldest boy (he’s 3, we have three boys) more than I could possibly say, as most mums would tell you. He is especially special for us though, as we’d been unable to have children for the whole 10 years we’d been married, until he decided to come join our family…
Still, this does not stop me from knowing that I am sometimes too harsh in my reactions. Sometimes I have to go apologise to him, which makes me unspeakably sad. No-one could EVER say I am abusive, in ANY way, yet I sometimes wince at the thought that a neighbour might have heard me react without thinking at something that has happened. Which then makes me wonder how to react differently.
Articles like this one show me that it’s just a matter of being persistently kinder, not reacting but choosing how to act in any given situation, and just letting some things be. Not having to constantly be better than he is, or I am, but just be.
Thanks for the reminder, Noelle 🙂
Sherelle says
I am so glad I found your post. I can now fully understand my own mother and myself. I am the oldest of 5 siblings. Growing up was good but heart breaking at the same time. In my teen years my mother was going through a bad start to Clinical Depression. I’m sure her inner self was the hardest for her to deal with. I was the second stop on her inner voice’s journey through our home. Those years were tough, but not as tough as realizing that I am just passing on the pain I had to my own daughter. I also have depression but have worked really hard to control it. I am constantly catching myself after the fact in bullying my own precious ones. Our medical history is only one piece of the healing puzzle. I need to be more willing to let my little ones be truly themselves and allow the same privilege to myself. I would never wish away the things I have learned about myself and my mother in the last few years with depression. My mother and I have a better relationship now with our shared understanding of how our own minds work. But pain caused by a loved ones harsh words can take years even decades to heal. We are both still healing. Reading your post reminded me to work harder at breaking that cycle. THANK YOU!
Changing Mama says
A friend of mine shared this on her FB and I was glad I opened it up. First, I feel relieved that I wasn’t alone on this. I think you have just given me the chance and courage to change myself, so THANK YOU!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
This is very uplifting to me! I am so touched by the response of this post and by the heartfelt admissions people are sharing here in the comments. There is hope for us all. Please keep me posted on your progress!
Holly Hallowell says
This seems in line with truths already known. Thanks for confirming them. AND, for sticking up for them! It’s often easier not to. Bullying starts further off.
——
Just for today, do not anger
Just for today, do not judge
Show gratitude to every living thing.
——
xo
Victoria says
Dear Mrs. Rachel,
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your inspirational words. They came to me – through grace – at time when I really needed them most. Reading back through a few of your entries here on your site, I feel the strong encouragement to KEEP ON TRYING, even when days seems to be going all wrong. My kid is worth it- I knew it already, but you reminded me of that. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Cassie says
I read this article, and it made me cry. I’m not a mother, but I have one. In all honesty, she was the bully in my life. I’m now married and have moved away but when she comes to visit I fear her. The criticizing and what I can do to make life better, when am I going to have a child of my own, etc. seems to never end. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for her. My college graduation ended up on her anniversary and she got mad at me for “ruining her day with dad”. So my graduation was not a happy occasion. The only day she seemed happy was my wedding day. Your daughter got so lucky. I just pray that when I become a mother, that I don’t make those same mistakes that my mother made with me.
Steph says
As I read that, I smiled and nodded, then cried and shrunk. You write beautifully and I cannot wait to get my hands on your book. I have transformed over the past 6 months, and not for the good. After reading this blog, I have realized, that I have become the bully in my own home. My 7year old “needs” to be perfect every day in every way, and I have seen him slipping away from me before my very eyes. The spills, stains, carelessness – I’ve put so much pressure on him because of the pressure I have put upon myself. With now knowing what is happening, I vow to make it better and to fix me, first.
Thank you SO much for the eye opener! 🙂
Veron says
Thank you for this post. It really got me thinking why my little angel is frequently asking me whether I am angry just by my body language.
Terri says
Just read this and it was too close to home. I wondered if the author is an adult child of an alcoholic. I am and saw so many of the same traits of her admitted behavior as was in mine. I said once, I have learned the hard way to be nice and let go. Live and let live. I lost a wonderful marriage due to bullying and constant need for control. I controlled my children to the point my daughter was unable to pick out her own clothes. I tried to control my other daughter, but she being headstrong resisted and it permanently damaged our relationship. She is now 40, I am 63, Both of my daughters broke the cycle and are wonderful mothers and always pick their battles, which are few. Their kids are happy and self confident. As hard as I have tried and expressed my guilt in my past behavior to her, a child does not forget as they grow into adulthood. My daughter always tells me “Mom it is all OK”, but it was, and is not alright. I live with it everyday and am ashamed of what I was. What I was and am is an adult child of an OK. Those behaviors are long gone and I try hard to make it up with my wonderful grandchildren. Too bad I couldn’t figure it out for thirty some years. Once you identify it, own it, then and only then are you truly able to be your true self. I do not and have never used alcohol.
Kaylee says
I am so beyond humbled right now. I found your blog for a reason. I am also going to buy your book. My dad has been like this since I can remember, I feel it almost ruined me and I see it ruining my much younger siblings also. I am the oldest daughter and I COULD not mess up. Luckily my mom was very much the opposite. I still see a lot of my dad come out in my own parenting, specifically with my oldest daughter. It breaks my heart when I raise my voice at her and break her sweet little spirit. I have noticed it over the last month and know I do not want to be that parent to her ever. She is still very young, as am I. I have been beating myself up about it a lot terrified of becoming my dad, which only makes it worse. Reading your blog post has taken me back to reality and reminded me of my goals as a parent. Thank you so much. I am so grateful to be reminded of the kind of parent I am and will continue to strive to become.
Katie says
Wow. I am not a parent, nor will I ever be-but I can most certainly relate to this. I find myself bullying myself every day of my life. Thank you for bringing this concept to light. It has certainly made a difference in my day today.
Emily says
Wow. Reading this was like looking inside myself and reading what I have been trying to ignore all this time. I have already been working towards treating my oldest child better. I already know that I have never let him be a child. But I never wanted to look at any of the causes so that I could truly remedy the problem. I am a bully in my home. Thank you. I also very much relate to your response to Rachel. Thank you for your words.
Ace33 says
Thank you so for posting this; for writing a book about it. I was one of those kids that felt like I needed to be perfect to please my parents. I had a very mean and angry older sister and when I was a preteen my dad would “josh” me about carrying around about 5-7 pounds too much. He meant well, but I hated myself. I didn’t feel good enough and I felt like an embarrassment. To that end, I have tried to be a better parent for my daughter. I am not perfect, but I work hard at it. Bless you and yours.
Shanna says
Thank you for this post. I really needed to hear this. *tears* This post could have easily been written by me.
I am the mama of 3 kids (3.5 girl, 1.5 boy and 7 month girl). I really struggle with my eldest and am always critical of her, pushing her to be better, and well…perfect. What I expect her to be. I needed to hear this. I really want to get your book because I need to read it and work harder to be the mama God made me and she needs me to be.
RuthAnne Snell says
My name is RuthAnne, and for years i worked myself into the ground trying to be what my mother told me to be. One day i finally said no more, she can hate me, degrade me, try to break me down but no more. I know she is a broken person, i choose to keep my distance and try to be nice. Im almost thirty and have lived through terrible things. Today i was in walmart, just letting my son play, taking our time when a woman walked up to me, and said ” Congratulations on being able to enjoy your child and being such a good mom”. A perfect stranger, who i had never met before. I have tears in my eyes writing this. No one can be perfect, but with patient understanding, love and care, maybe i can be the better woman and treat my kids the way i wish i had been. My stepdaughter tells her counselor that i am the only good mom she has ever had. I had tears in my eyes. My little girl and husband went through hell for yrs before finding me and my family unit. I have three little boys and one of the first dates we went on with the kids one of my boys put my now husband on the spot and asked him when he was going to marry his mom. We have been together for over two years now. Everyday is one more success, every hug one more step up, every outburst lets me know we are coming together as a family.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You are a bright, beautiful light, RuthAnne. Thank you for shining it here so we can all be inspired by your strength and loving heart.
Brittany says
Thank you so much for this. I sobbed reading it and I know it was meant just for me. I know I am too hard on my oldest, my little four year old boy and it kills me to admit it out loud. But this has changed me. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Marnie says
In those first few paragraphs, you described me and my second born (a boy). I often say that we don’t get along. I have the same impulses to blame him for everything that goes wrong, poor boy…I am working on it. Thank you for sharing your experience, it has made me want to be a better Mom!
amanda says
So very true. I’ve found myself doing similar things as I try to navigate our new life in India.
Goldie Pierce says
Wow, wow, wow, wow, WOW!!!!!!!! This is the best thing I have read in SUCH a long time!!!!! Absolutely brilliant & heart warming. Through reading this, I felt like you were a best friend talking to me face to face. I feel like I know you, because I can SOOOO relate. So much. I have never heard of you before, but I am so glad I ran across your blog tonight. I see that you are selling a book that you wrote. Can’t WAIT to read it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being an inspirational angel to so many!!!! 🙂
Late says
Thank you for your brutal honesty. I see myself in the bully you describe and I hate myself for it. I see my son losing self esteem and becoming more sad and withdrawn. My mom always tells me I’m too hard on him, and I expect too much. It’s only because I want the best for him, and I know his potential. But like you, I have gone about nurturing him in the wrong ways. I am going to use your motto. In fact, I’m going to post it around the house and in the car. It’s hard to look in the mirror and admit YOU are your own child’s worst enemy. It’s better to identify that though and own it so you can change it. ONLY LOVE TODAY!!!
Dana says
Thanks for this, it’s a powerful reminder. I find that while I will never look in the mirror and totally dig what I see, I am used to that feeling and it almost doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s my expectation. But the idea that I could pass that feeling on to my daughters is too horrifying to imagine. And that’s exactly what I’ll do if I don’t show myself a little bit more kindness.
Jenna Bowman says
Thank you. I needed to hear this, so much. I can relate far too well to hating/being overly critical of myself and taking it out on those closest to me.
Jean says
I believe I was supposed to read this today. I say things to myself that I would never say to my kids. I don’t even want them to know what I believe about myself, because I am afraid they would start thinking the same thing about themselves. I had the revelation that I need to parent myself the way I parent them, and say the same things to myself that I say to them. When I tell them they’re beautiful, I’m sincere. It’s time to give that gift to myself, so that I can keep giving it to them. The old tapes are hard to stop. Thanks for the means, and affirmation, to do so.
Sandra says
Hi, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for sharing this. I am totally speechless right and very emotional right now. I have been searching the internet for anything to help me improve my young daughter’s Self Esteem and Confidence. Thankfully I came across yours tonight! I really hate that I am responsible for tearing her down by my negative and hurtful words. I promised myself when I learned I was going to have a baby 4 years ago that I would make sure I had a better and closer relationship with my daughter than what I had. I feel so guilty beyond words that I haven’t been able to keep that promise to myself and my daughter. I have so much to work on within myself in order to be a better mother to my children especially my daughter. Thank you so much again for giving me hope that my relationship with my precious daughter can be rebuilt over time and she will one day be the young girl she was meant to be if it weren’t for my bullying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Take Care!
Only LOVE today : )
Megan says
Rachel,
I have been reading your blog for almost a year now, but I have never taken the time to comment. Your post today, however, felt like it was written just for me. I wanted to take a minute to thank you for having the courage to write about your journey. Your constant reminder that “The truth hurts, but the truth heals” has gotten me through some of my hardest days this year as I try to sort through my childhood baggage, accept who I am, and make changes to become the person I want to be. Have you ever read anything by Brene Brown? Her books are incredible, and she talks a lot about how and why we bully ourselves. As a child, I was not brought up to believe that I was ok and worthy and lovable for who I am. To the contrary, I was led to believe that it was how I behaved and what I could accomplish that made me worthy. I consequently became a perfectionist… and I have spent my whole life running as fast as I can… constantly trying to feel “good enough.” I am working hard in therapy to undo these patterns. It’s much easier for me to change how I treat my kids than it is to change how I treat myself (although both are difficult). The scary part is that kids almost always unconsciously emulate their parents. So if I don’t model self compassion for my kids, I know they will grow up without this extremely important skill. And I also know from personal experience that it is a LOT harder to learn self compassion as an adult than it is as a child. Thank you for being brave enough to face down your demons. Your children are truly blessed to have your example in their life. And thank you for sharing your example so that others like myself can follow your lead. You give me hope for a better tomorrow. I am anxiously awaiting your book in January…
Blessings, Megan
Mary says
I read you’re post and if it didn’t touch base with me! I have a Beautiful daughter in which I did the same too, and now that she is 42 years old I’m still trying to make up with her even through we are best friends now . Everyday I’m afraid that she’ll stop loving me because how I had treated her because of me feeling bullied by my own self esteem. I love her but I needed to push her to be better but in stead I made her resent me. When I apologized to her at the age of 16 while brushing her hair I cried because I was afraid she wouldn’t understand that my strong exterior wasn’t what my interior was! I can’t blame my life I need to blame me for treating the one person I loved in the world. I was bullied by my mother and sadly I did it to my daughter. I decide to read this when I seen my daughters post saying this is so close to home. Thank you
Harper says
Woah. This could have been a letter I wrote to myself. Thank you. You describe the state of my relationship with my 4 year old son. I’m working on it, and have been, but this puts it into perfect context: The work begins within. I hadn’t totally connected my inner voice with the one that is hurting my relationship with my child. It’s reassuring to know that working on being kinder to myself will also make me kinder to him, which is most important. Thank you. I cannot wait to read your book. Are you on Facebook?
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your own experience, Harper. Yes, I have a page on Facebook where I provide inspiration for letting go of distraction & perfection to grasp the moments in life that matter. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/TheHandsFreeRevolution?ref=hl
Arizona says
You have no idea how much your change means to your daughter!! I admire you for having the strength and humility to overcome that bully inside your head!! 🙂 You are an inspiration to all! I really hope my mom sees this one day. (To understand why, take a glance at my blog about how I’ve been overcoming child abuse.) Thank you for your words!!
Paola says
You moved me to tears with this. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this beautiful part of your life. You can not even imagine how much I can relate to this. THANK YOU for sharing it.
Nisha says
I cried reading this story. This is amazing and I can relate to it so much. I keep thinking once I’ve done this (cleaning, cooking, reading, working) I can relax and be a good mum but I think I need to stop now and be a good mum now. Thank you for this post.
tara says
this reminds me of a saying i just read recently So often children are punished for being human. Children are not allowed to have grumpy moods bad days disrespectful tones or bad attitudes. Yet we adults have them all the time. None of us are perfect and we must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves. Rebecca Eanes.
It also made me think when we say kind things to ourselves and love ourselves despite our perceived flaws it is easier to be kind and loving to those around us.
what a good post. It is through our humanness we connect. not perfection.
Liska (@NewMumOnline) says
This post has made me cry. My mother’s love for me was VERY conditional.
I want to be the mum YOU describe to my son.
Thank you for your beautiful words.
Liska xx
@NewMumOnline
Liska (@NewMumOnline) says
Oh and what I didn’t say is that yesterday he said to me that I am stressed and angry all the time, so I needed to read this post didn’t I?
Liska x
marie says
Thank you so much for bringing to light something so many parents,grandparents, friends, teachers, other family members, etc need to stop doing, including myself.
Maria Gonzales says
WOW!!!
I write this with a heavy heart and a conscience that has just imploded! I’ve lived with a monster inside of me for many years but had never seen it until I read your blog. You described me so well I didn’t need a mirror to know that “IT” had been found out, it has a name and it looks just like my daughter’s mother…ME!!! I only wish I could turn back time to 20 yrs ago so I could undo the harm I have inflicted on my daughter who is 26 now. I’ve seen her experience anxiety attacks, low self esteem, depression, etc… and never felt I was capable of helping her for fear of doing more harm than good. The only good I could do was telling her she needed to see someone – a professional – that would help her find the key she needed to unlock her inner self, though I didn’t do anything to get her that help. She went through some counseling 2 yrs ago, and underwent a noticeable change from the very first session! I have lived with guilt & shame as my shadows, feeling guilty I had failed her in ways to have damaged her very core, and shame for all the years I’ve taken and wasted by not getting the help “WE” needed.
Your description of the things you did to your daughter when reacting to something she did / didn’t do, caused the implosion I felt right before I understood what I had just read…The UGLY NASTY TRUTH!!
My bully self had me believing my daughter had to be perfect and she should know how to do everything I do because I’m her mother! Like through osmosis or something. I rarely thought twice of embarrassing her. I never felt I had to defend or rationalize my behavior because who would call me on any of it?? Just the opposite. Because my daughter’s true nature shines on its own accord, people who know her compliment me by saying she is a reflection of my being such a good mother. My first thought has always been…If they only knew!! So I feel like I’d be lying if I said…I NEVER KNEW!!
But now that I do know the monster for what it is; I feel I can take the first step towards healing our relationship…My most valuable treasure! Thank you so very much for sharing and for allowing me to ramble. Excited to read your book!
Annmarie Kenny says
U cud be writing about me. I am a mum of five and my eldest Bo has too much responsibility for a ten year old. Thank u thank u thanku i hope i change. Ann marie (ireland).
Cara says
Ermagerd. I can’t believe you made me cry at 4am! That was beautiful. This is the first time I’ve read your blog, and it was absolutely inspiring and motivating. Thanks for this!
Peggy Nolan says
Dear Rachel,
What a beautiful message and congrats on your book. I’m sharing your article with my tribe!
emily turnbull says
I’m sorry but reading all these comments breaks my heart. How dare anyone bully their child and feel they have an excuse for it!! There is no excuse! Especially since its happened to most of you. …if you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut. I grew up in a very strict home and vowed I would never treat my kids that way. If you can’t break the cycle on your own, then get help….writing ‘I need help’ on someones blog is not going to help you. Wow…so very sad, I didn’t realize how many mom’s were like this. And then you wonder why their kids start lying and hiding things! Because at that point all you are is the person that gave birth to them, and a bully. Why should they confide in you and tell you their secrets when you have judged everything they do. Its very disturbing. If I knew I broke my child’s spirit by the words spoken from my own mouth, It would be a sad day in the world…
I really hope you all find peace. Or a cork if you can’t.
Holli says
Emily,
I think you need to follow your own advice “if you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut”……we are all sinners who make human mistakes, we all need a Savior, none of us a perfect, even you.
LD says
This blog is usually a supportive place where people feel free and safe to finally be honest and admit their failings and shortcomings because of Rachel’s brave honesty. Everyone knows, admitting you need help is the first step to changing behavior. So while it may not seem worthwhile to you for people to admit their failings on a blog, to many it is the first step to healing. Judgmental and harsh attitudes contribute and perpetuates this need for all of us imperfect people to keep the mask on and keep striving for never-ending and unattainable perfection so that we are not berated and ridiculed when we finally try to be real with others. I feel your words have somewhat ruined a typically safe and loving environment here and you have reminded me once again not to be vulnerable even online for fear of being judged. Sometimes Rachel’s words “Stop… only love today” can also be applied to online posts.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, LD. I appreciate your loving message so very much.
Mandee says
Wow!!! As I read this article I finally felt like i wasn’t alone in my struggles with raising children. We all have battles within us and sharing them is sometimes the best way to see the light to change. How you can criticize anyone for this is beyond me. I would take your own advice and say nothingnif you have nothing supportive or nice to say.
Ariel says
Your comment is ridiculous, everyone commenting here KNOWS they are wrong and most of us are just thankful to find others struggling and the words of encouragement in this post, you are not God, you are not perfect and I guarantee you make mistakes with your children. Nobody should be ashamed to say they have messed up and need help and YES , a blog post like this one CAN help people get better and see through clearer eyes, what they are doing. So how about you stop trying to shame people out of admitting their problems, all you’re doing is making people not want to admit they’ve done anything wrong and thus, never get help. Think about what you say before you say it, because the way you talk to strangers can be a good clue as to how you act in your personal relationships, would you tell your kids not to admit their faults too?
Renee says
This is me! I am currently seeing a counsellor to help me deal with this. I find it so hard to be a parent in today’s world. There is just so much pressure to be a better parent. Like what we’re doing isn’t enough? I cancelled my ‘Parenting’ magazine subscriptions as they were full of ‘how to do this better, that better…’ too much pressure.
My kids get the worst of me every night when they don’t follow directions. It’s such a helpless feeling to not be in control of the simple things!
Rory Lazear says
Just wrote a post that has some twinklings of what you beautifully wrote here…. I hope to be able to share as you did on my new blog… thank you!
D says
Thank you for writing this. I’m not so much a perfectionist as I am a controlling person. I find myself being ridiculous about my almost 3 year old spilling things and making messes. Also, I don’t have any patience with her not listening to me. I know a lot of it is her age. It’s not her fault. I really need to find a way to quit trying to control things with my kid and husband and this may help. I need to work on being nice to myself too. I will work on implementing the stop idea you’re talking about.
Michelle says
Beautiful story with wonderful results. It’s never too late to change
Shelley says
This is exactly what I needed this morning. I have watched my daughter slipping away from our relationship, which has always been fraught with my perfectionism. She’s 7, and I know if I don’t change soon, our relationship will become permanently damaged. Thank you for telling your story and revealing to me that the root of my criticism of my daughter is really my own insecurity. Also, thank you for the STOP method. I’m desperate to try it and see if something can finally release me from the bondage I’ve dealt with practically since becoming a mother.
Phyllis I Turner says
What a powerful article. I think if we all take a look, there’s a bully in all of us. We’re so critical of ourselves. If you’re a parent or not, this article is a must read. I’ve shared it on my Facebook Timeline. Thanks for being so open and honest. We need more people like you. First time I’ve read your blog and I’m not even sure how I got here but I’m glad I did.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I appreciate the supportive words, Phyllis. I feel so hopeful by what is being shared here in the comment section. Thank you for sharing the message! It has reached almost a million people in 1 day thanks to people like you. Let there be hope & healing & love, only love, in 2014.
Doris says
My daughter posted this on FB this morning and I was so very touched by your article, and it answered a question that has been carried deep within my heart and soul for so many years. I am the product of a bulling mom and unfortunately was one and passed it on to my children with out realizing the Bully was in control . Some time ago I came to the realization that I see my bulling ways come alive in my children, hard to swallow when you see it in action in some one else 🙁 My children are all grown with families of their own, and so I may not be able to erase the damage I have caused , I vow today, to STOP ! AND ONLY LOVE TODAY and put it in to practice daily in my life!!!! I have sat here for the past three hours reading comments from people logging on to your Blog, and you dear Rachel are a BLESSING and a beginning of CHANGE to so many !!! Though I am not much of a reader, when your book comes out in January I will be buying a copy to help guide me in being a better me and BULLY FREE !!! I will continue to follow your Blog and waiting for new nuggets to apply to my life 🙂 THANK YOU FOR YOUR TRANSPARENTCY !!!!!
Tamsin says
Oh so heartfelt and honest. Wow.
Kristi Wilson says
Thanks you for this eye opener……. I loved reading your article and I am about to order your book.
Thanks you again…..:)
Erika says
This really spoke to me. I am guilty of doing everything you listed with my oldest. I love the mantra too and I will definitely be using it. And picking up your book.
Natalie Lundquist says
I just came across your post on Facebook as it was shared by a friend of mine. I usually skip by articles on my newsfeed but for some reason clicked on this one. I feel like I am reading about myself….right here and right now. We recently moved out of the country with our four children to start a new business and have a new “adventure”. Our children are in french school (without knowing a lick of french) and my husband and I are struggling to make our new business thrive in a new culture, a new country with a language only one us understands. Time is not in our favor and the stress levels for everyone are out the roof. I could go on an on but I get from this post you understand exactly where I am coming from. My oldest daughter is just like yours and my relationship right now is exactly how you describe. If I could buy your book right here and right now I would sit down and not move until I was finished reading every last word. I guess I want to say Thank-You for this post because for me it’s exactly what I needed to hear.
Shannon Martin says
A friend posted your blog on her Facebook and I felt drawn to read it. Boy did I need it. I had just reacted harshly to my one and only child and made her cry cause I scared her by being upset over something which was so stupid and minor. It was like a gift that I saw this blog. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Will try your mantra as I need to make some changes to have a happier home. Thank you!
Sheryl says
God has reached me through your words. I really needed to hear them today. As a product of a broken home with no family nearby, I often have felt I don’t know how to be a good parent. Consequently, I try to overcompensate, to overly dictate to my oldest daughter in particular what to do, how to say it, how to do it, etc. When I tell myself to relax, the guilt of being a working mom sets in, and I once again feel I have to try harder to control her behavior–because I’m not around her most of the day. This post reminds me that, yes, I’m not where I want to be (home with her) and I may never be able to be a stay-at-home mom, but I can use the time I do have with her to be more loving, gentle, and positive–letting her be the girl she needs to be and become the woman God created her to be. Thank you. Only love today–and always.
Kimberly says
Thank you for sharing! This is a good lesson for teachers as well!
Mandee says
This is something I struggle with everyday. I keep telling myself I am going to change but, but it isn’t an easy thing to do. I applause your honesty ans willingness to change yourself for you and those you love. I so needed to read this today. It lit a fire in me to do better. Thank you!!!!!
Faye says
You have opened my eyes. This is me, totally me. I bully myself and in turn bully my kids. I will now give myself a motto ‘Stop, only love’. Thank you for this post, for your honesty, it has helped me so much today.
Diana Liford says
I’m forwarding this to my own daughter, now 25, with a 5 year old and 18 month old twins, who, because I see so much of myself in the mom in this story, I see the child she was and the mom she became, because of me. Wish I’d seen this “me story” years ago. I might have been able to help my own granddaughter, and my daughter, too. I have to lean on the saying of, “It’s never too late to change. ” Thank you for this.
Julie says
I am sitting at my desk crying while reading this. As a single parent, I struggle to be perfect in my life and do/be/have perfect everything. I’ve recently begun counseling to try and stop bullying myself after a lifetime of it, but I recognize now that I’m bullying my children too. My oldest daughter is messy, forgetful, emotional and I’ve unintentionally created a perfectionist in her. She is afraid to try new things and everything has to be “just so”. She is a smart, beautiful, creative, loving and sweet soul and I need to give her credit for those wonderful things she is, instead of always being frustrated/angry about the little things. Thanks for the reminder!
HD says
This is exactly the medicine I needed to take today! I come from a long line of ‘perfectionists’ which has turned out a long line of neurotic self-loathing women. Thank you for holding up the mirror in front of my face and reminding me that all the negative self-talk unwillingly flows out onto my kids.
I too feel the hurry up, do it the right way conversation in my head instead of the calming, enjoy the moment vibes that I want to show my daughters. Thank you!
Tamra says
Thank you so much for sharing this! I instantly started to cry while reading this because I realized that I do the same thing to my twin daughters, and to myself. Why are we so hard on ourselves, and in turn, our children? It helps to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you again.
Hannah says
Thank you for this! I had to do some self reflection after reading this. I have 3 boys and one girl and I am this way with my daughter but not my boys. I guess I am just so unhappy with my life as a whole (other than my children. They are AMAZING) that I thought by pushing her in ways I was never pushed, she wouldn’t end up like me…but then I also grew up in the, now cliche, house of abuse and neglect. My constantly trying to NOT be like my mother, means I tell her all the time she is pretty, smart, can do anything she sets her mind to etc…lots of hugs and time together….but then any of the things I keep telling her she can do, are never done right in my eyes…I have some HUGE changes to make.
spring says
Thank you for such an inspiring article, you are so brave to have put yourself out there and realized that surely there are other mothers out there just like this. Again thank you, sometimes its hard to figure out where the anger hurt and aggravation comes from! Thank you for showing us! Again thank you!
Monica says
I needed this today and every day before. Thank you!
Melissa Bowman says
This story is me. I am in tears reading this and I will buy the book. I want to love more and to be loved back. I want the best for my two little boys. I am going to stop! Right now and try everyday . Thank you
Tina says
Thank you! My husband and I have both recently lost our jobs ( same company) we have both been so down and discouraged the past month that we have fought everyday, blaming each other, talking about leaving, leaving. Our children have been put through hell they have changed schools three times in 2 months, been here for all of our fights brought into our fights. They are hurting, we all are hurting. We pray together every night all hoping for things to be good again, to be a loving family once again. Our daughter is 15 and trying to get a job to help out, our son is 13 and is a type 1 diabetic so he feels like the whole world is against him already and he feels that we have abandoned him, it breaks my heart that they have been robbed of being happy, of being kids. I am going to change for them, for us. I’m going to get our family back. I’m going to show them and my husband everyday that we are worth fighting for, that we still are a Loving caring Family. That we are not giving up, we will, Life will get better. Thank you!!
Helen Hough says
been there in my own way husband made redundant again and me off sick for the last 7 months of last year. It pushes you to your limits. He is now working and I have been able to leave a job that made me very ill and about to start a new life. Drink has been an issue in past and now but its getting better on its own because things are so much better. Stay strong for each other – its worth it. No work puts huge starins on people. Beleive me I have had a hubbie out of work more than once and its never his fault. I have supported us. and your kids – they are kids that need protecting even though it can be soooooo hard at times. XXXXXX
Tanya says
So candid and brave and beautiful. The times we choose to share what hurts and scares, the things that we hide…that is always when we have the greatest reach isn’t it? I’ve followed for about a year, but never commented. I am inspired by your journey and your transparency. Thanks. 🙂
Sheri says
This made me sad as I see that I am so critical (and always have been) of my middle daughter. She is a beautiful, funny, kind girl but honestly, she is a walking disaster! LOL She is an extreme extrovert who needs friends around all the time, while I need some peace and quiet sometimes. Ever since she was two, she has had to have a house full of friends or she is bored. (She is now a freshman in high school.) She leaves a wake of destruction behind her when she enters a room (bags of uneaten chips, collections of used soda bottles or half-drunk glasses of water everywhere, all of our towels in some sort of wet moldiness on her floor, fruit snack and candy wrappers stuff under the sofa cushions and thrown behind my headboards…), and I am always the one left picking up the pieces. So how do I reconcile my anger and resentment over her sloppiness to see the beautiful lady she is? I’m afraid she’d going to remember me as the -itchy mom, and I am going to remember her as the child who made me nuts – even though we both love each other.
I guess I’m torn about teaching my children to be self-sufficient and sharing in family responsibiltiies WHILE loving them. How does one do this? Thank you!!
Camille says
Absolutely amazing. Thank you for this incredible post. It brought me to tears as I could relate in so many ways.
Julie says
I had a few revelations about myself as I read this. #1, I’m not alone. #2, I really am my own bully. #3, I treat my daughter the same way. It hurt to read this. I never thought of any of it in this way. Typically, you can spot a bully miles away but when the bully is in your head it’s not so easy to realize. I will be trying your STOP method and start giving my daughter room to breathe and grow. THANK you.
Marissa says
Thank you. Just, thank you.
Ruth says
simply beautiful! Thank you for sharing, it comforts me to read your words
Ruth
chris says
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Great advice for all parents and something my wife and I will adopt.
techkim says
This is hard. I am doing this to my 11 yr old son. I did not realize that I was doing the exact same thing, bullying him, that I saw others do that I fought against for him. I feel sick. I worry I can’t undo the damage. He is such an amazing boy and loves me and his younger brothers to death. He would even through hits at me, Mom you blame me for everything, Mom you don’t listen to me, Mom you are the one being rude. My heart is broken now to pick up the pieces and change my son’s life. Pssss wanna bet his attitude will change when I start changing?
Mom of 3 says
I came across your blog on facebook this morning while drinking my coffee and all I can say is WoW that is so me. I have 2 boys and one girl and I find my self being really hard on my daughter because I want better for her then I had. I never thought I was bring her down but after reading this you are so right. I must try and make a chance in 2014. This will be every hard for me to do I am sure but I must try and hope it is not to late as she is about to be 15. Thank you so much for telling your story and I so hope I can change the bully inside of me!
Christina says
I absolutely love this! I NEEDED this. I like you am very busy, being pulled in a hundred different directions. I want to be perfect, things to be perfect, my kids to be perfect when we know that is not possible. Part of my issue is that I am alone, a single mom who’s ex’s family who thrives when I/we fail. My other issue is that my son is autistic and a lot of my time and energy is on him. He is doing well and thriving more than anyone ever expected. However, my biggest issue is my precious 12 year old girl. She is a delight with a heart of gold and a perfectionist – however that is her down fall. She has always done more for others than herself even if that means she is hurt in the process, takes what people say to heart, even when not true, and will make herself sick physically and emotionally when she messes up. She has had to live in her brothers shadow and even when she is the center she is broken. She has no true friends, just the ones who use her and I see that pain in her eyes and it breaks me. Basically, she is me. I have taken her to counseling and doctors to no avail. I HATE seeing her like this. I know first I have to start at home and let her know that it is ok to mess up, to cry and show emotion and to be herself even if others don’t like it. Please is anyone has any other advice. It scares me to see her so broken, knowing that I had a hand in it. It also makes me mad that others are breaking her spirit as well. What do I do?
Rachel says
I just discovered your blog via Facebook, and I have to thank you so much for doing what you did. I know exactly how your daughter feels. I’ve been through a similar situation.
My brother and I have been yelled at, belittled, torn down and ignored by our father for many years. Like you, he didn’t seem to realize what he was doing, and that he was alienating us. When ever we wanted his approval on something we’d done, we where instead beaten down, told that it wasn’t good enough, whither it be school, sports, or just a picture we’d drawn. Dad has been laid off twice during this recession, and though we are secure now, we haven’t always been. To handle the intense stress of work he would bury himself in his work. He was dead to us, even at home. Any little think would set him off, and he would yell and rage to the point that we where afraid he would hit something. Thank goodness he never did. Very often everything was our fault. He wasn’t there for the most important growing times of our lives. Two years ago, my dad landed a low-stress job, and “woke up” expecting every thing to be as he’d left it. He found a very shaky relationship with his son, and a wife and daughter who’ve built protective walls where we hid our hearts.
We’re all learning years of hurt a difficult to get past. In the past two years, things have improved. I don’t hide from him any more, but I don’t want him to touch me… I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to be in the same room as him. I’m too afraid of getting hurt, and as sad as this sounds, my rejecting him now, feels kind-of good because I finally hold the power. I know this is wrong, and I’m working hard at trying to stop, but it’s so hard when some thing like this happens. Believe me, my dad is trying had to win use back, and has done ok with my younger brother, my mom sort of, but i’m still distant. That’s partially my fault. I’m nearly sixteen now, and I don’t know what the next ten years will hold, but as of now calling him dad tastes wrong one my tongue. I don’t want all the things he’s trying to give me now like affection, go to choir concerts, or some day,walk me down the isle….
I’m sorry to unload my sob story, but it’s hard to make since without explaining a little. You’re incredible if you’ve read this far! 🙂 I know the circumstances are a bit different, but I think the emotions are much the same. I don’t know exactly how old your daughter was, (eightish?) but I can remember being around her age, going through similar things, sobbing on my bed, wondering what was wrong with me. That’s why I had to write you, to thank you for making that change for your daughter and for your self. My dad’s a lot like how you described yourself; very up tight, always has a master plan, very worried about how others see him. I am so happy you made that change. My dad would be so much happier if he would just learn to except himself and others. As for me, I’m hoping and praying I can turn my situation into a positive, to come off a better, stronger person for the experience. Who knows, hopefully, with God and my family’s help, when it is time for me to walk down the isle, my dad will be beside me.
Again, thank you so much for not only making a change, but reaching out to others, to help prevent what we’ve gone through. My best wishes to you, and your family. I hope you always have a happy and peaceful life.
Much love and many thanks,
A fellow Rachel
Sophie says
To “A fellow Rachel,”
You are 16?! I just wanted to comment, what an amazingly articulate young woman you are… thank you for sharing your story. I have a feeling you are going to be OK. 🙂
Rachel says
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your confidence. And the sweet compliment! 🙂
Amanda says
As I read this, tears streamed down my face. I have, far too many times, been the exact person you describe. I bully myself to be better, to be more focused, to me more perfect. Your words have touched my heart and I will be a better Momma because of it. Too many times, I’ve seen my baby boy’s eyes have a fear that I never wanted to see. Thank you.
Jessica says
I cried reading this. I’ve been trying to stop being so terribly hard on my oldest daughter, too.
They don’t deserve it. They’re just kids. And it’s been so hard for me, at times, to see her as my little child instead of my helper. I hold her to too much responsibility and don’t teach her correctly how to do things before laying in to her when she does things wrong.
I see myself in her, which is hard… because I see the things I don’t like in myself. I’m so hard on her because I don’t want her to hold the traits that I would change in myself. I have to remind myself that just because I don’t like something in myself, doesn’t mean that I can’t teach her to love EVERYTHING about herself.
Such a well written post… hit way too close to home. Thank you. 🙂
Gigi says
Thank you for your honest post. I think every person reading will relate. It is time for all of us to STOP trying to be perfect and aim for LOVE and GRACE. I am thankful for the GRACE I find in Jesus. Bless you with a successful book launch. If you have a launch team I would live to be on the team.
J says
Tomorrow is the 24th anniversary of my mother’s death. I have no human children, by choice, but this article resonated with me in a different way from probably many of your readers. My mother was a perfectionist and a bully. One time, when I was probably seven or eight, she realized she’d gone too far and apologized to me. I felt so loved and safe in that moment. The next day, the yelling and nitpicking started all over again. I’m the oldest, so I probably bore the brunt of her bullying, but my brother and sister got their share. I don’t know if I would have gotten through adolescence if not for my aunt and grandmother, both of whom always let me know they loved me without condition. In fact, my aunt became my best friend later in life until she died several years ago.
In all of my trying to understand why she treated me the way she did, it honestly never occurred to me that she was bullying herself just much as, if not more than, she did me. So thank you for this.
While I don’t have children, I have probably been less than nice to others during my life — in the guise of helping them do better, which is what I’m sure my mother told herself and what it sounds like many others who have commented also do.
Again, thank you.
JR
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing. You have enlightened me and I’m sure many others with your story and revelation. I appreciate it so much.
Rabia @TheLiebers says
I am ashamed to say that I really needed to read this today. In fact, I am going to bookmark it and read it every day. Maybe right before I leave work, so I can have it fresh in my mind when I pick my kids up from their after-school programs!
jeremie lederman says
…or get serious and get professional help. there are lots of amazing people who can help you find out what;s going on in you so that you can stop abusing your kids.
If you can’t get help, then this post really didn’t mean anything
Nikki McIntosh says
I am so glad my friend shared this on her facebook page. My oldest who is 10 she was always daddys girl and never did any wrong when she was wrong. She had him so wrapped. That was until we had our 2nd daughter who is now 2. My oldest gets the blame for everything. Just like you said if the youngest cries no matter if the oldest does it or not she still is getting the blame. My husband does this to our oldest and it breaks my heart for her cause she will come crying to me and I just hug her and say im sorry. I have begged and pleaded my husband to stop and he never does. My oldest wakes up with him yelling at her and goes to bed with him yelling at he. she never gets praised by him for good on punshied. I have asked for help from his side of the family and they have tried and nothing. I shared your story on his facebook page in hopes god will help him from your story. Thanks so much for sharing.
GG says
I was guilty of this. I still think back on days that I yelled at my daughter for little things when she was small. I remember seeing the tears in her eyes and her little head bowed down. I realized what I was doing when she was about 7 and have actually been very easy on her since. She is now 17 and my husband says I’m too easy on her. I am constantly trying to show her how much I care. I hug her and tell her I love her every time she leaves anywhere or when she goes to bed. She rarely hugs back or tells me she loves me, but I blame that on her just being a teenager. I don’t know how to right the wrong I caused so many years ago and sometimes feel it’s too late.
Christina says
Thank you so much for this!!! I absolutely love this! I NEEDED this!!!!!!!!! I like you am very busy, being pulled in a hundred different directions. I want to be perfect, things to be perfect, my kids to be perfect when we know that is not possible. Part of my issue is that I am alone, a single mom who’s ex’s family who thrives when I/we fail. My other issue is that my son is autistic and a lot of my time and energy is on him. He is doing well and thriving more than anyone ever expected. However, my biggest issue is my precious 12 year old girl. She is a delight with a heart of gold and a perfectionist – however that is her down fall. She has always done more for others than herself even if that means she is hurt in the process, takes what people say to heart, even when not true, and will make herself sick physically and emotionally when she messes up. She has had to live in her brothers shadow and even when she is the center she is broken. She has no true friends, just the ones who use her and I see that pain in her eyes and it breaks me. Basically, she is me. I have taken her to counseling and doctors to no avail. I HATE seeing her like this. I know first I have to start at home and let her know that it is ok to mess up, to cry and show emotion and to be herself even if others don’t like it. Please is anyone has any other advice. It scares me to see her so broken, knowing that I had a hand in it. It also makes me mad that others are breaking her spirit as well. What do I do?
Sandy Blackard says
Christina,
First, I am glad you recognize your part in your son’s well-being. You must have worked hard to make that happen on your own. Then you said you see yourself in your daughter, but it sounds like you may have a hard time crediting yourself for helping her grow into the delightful person with a heart of gold that she is, since you blame yourself for contributing to her “broken spirit.” She is also struggling with perfectionism and friend issues which from your comment, “Basically, she is me,” sounds like you are as well. Despite your frustration with the professionals you’ve seen, your request for advice tells me that somehow you know it doesn’t have to be this way.
Though my older daughter was 4 when I sought help, I know how painful having a “broken” perfectionist child can be. Because of the seemingly magical results I’ve seen and experienced, I would recommend finding a family therapist (not just a counselor) who is also a child-centered play therapist – someone who can work with you and her separately and together, or even better, train you to work with her the way a therapist would. That’s called filial therapy and is the foundation of what I teach in my parenting classes today (20 years later with two thriving unbroken daughters). A good family therapist should also be able to help in changing the dynamics of relationships with friends and ex-family.
As a parent coach now, I would say that since you feel like the most urgent thing is to start at home and help her bring acceptance to herself, I would tell you to follow your instincts on that, but not give up on the professional world. Something you can start doing right away at home is validating her need to be perfect, because to her it is extremely important if not urgent to be perfect. I know it may sound backwards, but from a perfectionist child’s point of view, being told it is OK to mess up, show emotion and not care what her friends think, is telling her she is wrong to be herself, even if that is not your intention. Then I would also suggest that you apply the same validation approach to yourself because of the instant relief it can bring.
Here’s why: The normal human reaction to being told you are wrong is to become defensive and prove that you are right. You are proving it to yourself as much as to the person who told you that you were wrong. Though subconsciously driven, even getting sick over messing up can serve as proof, as in “See, I even get sick when I mess up. What else do I need to do to prove that being perfect really is important?!!”
Acceptance is the missing element in shifting perfectionism. Once she knows it’s OK to be the way she is (whatever that is), she can naturally start to relax about it. Validation can make a big difference fast!
Validation is not agreement or encouragement. It is understanding that sounds like this, “You really wanted that to be perfect! You tried so hard and still messed up. You are afraid that everything is ruined. No wonder you are upset!”
As a perfectionist yourself, you have special insight into what she is experiencing. Validation gives her permission to be who she thinks she needs to be, do what she thinks she needs to do, and feel the way she feels. My rules for validation are: no fixing, no judging (good or bad), no teaching, no questions. When you leave those things out, all that’s left is pure understanding and compassionate listening. It’s the key to reconnecting with her and with yourself. I hope it can start you on the path to some much needed relief.
Planet Schnooks says
You know I went to a counselor last year because I always thought people hated me and my relationships struggled because of it and the counselor gave me this same technique to use. She said when I started having these thoughts to think of a stop sign and just stop. It did help out a lot and I have not used this in awhile now but reading your post today has made me think I need to start using it again. Thanks.
Sheila says
I needed to hear this today, right here, right now. Thank you for sharing!
Nonna says
What a courageous admission. We are at times our own worst enemy. Thank you for sharing.
Paula says
Hi Rachel,
I have been reading your blog for awhile and I always look forward to reading it and the comments to know I am not a lone. As a single mom of a 4 year old and a 2 year old who works full time. I can so relate to what you have written here. I am trying so hard to give my kids a childhood that I didn’t have and in trying so hard to do that, I often miss the opportunities of just being with them. My oldest often gets the brunt of my frustration and I hate it. He is being forced to grow up way to quickly and all I want is for him to stay little. It’s almost comical the polar forces that are at play. I expect so much of him, yet I want so desperately for him to be 4. Today I choose love and today he gets to be 4 and my daughter gets to be 2.
Kim says
A friend posted this on Facebook today and it couldnt have been more timely. I hit my point last night when I told my 7 year old I wasnt going to do anything for her ever again. I know it is now time to make a change and this was just the inspiration I needed.
Fiberguy says
Thank you and bless you. This was a timely message, one that I really needed to hear, TODAY. I’ve pre-ordered your book. So much of what you write about resonates with me deeply and, like you, I want the very best for our child.
Hope says
Thank you for writing this. I am this person. I don’t know how to not be this person, but I’d like to try. It’s funny that I’d read this today – last night everyone at my house had a big blow up argument and I came to work in tears this morning. This was something I needed to see today to help me realize that things can change. Thank you.
Kim says
Wow! This hurt my feelings big time. I felt as if I were reading my own story, only insert son for daughter. I had to stop reading to clear my eyes because I couldn’t see through the tears that were flowing, uncontrollably, down my face. Not because this was news to me; I am very aware of how I treat my son, yet I can’t seem to stop my words, looks and actions. I can see the defeat in his beautiful, big brown eyes and it hurts my soul. He is 9 years old and my daughter is 6. If I can’t get this monster under control I am afraid I will lose him to a life of self torment and constant feelings of defeat and unworthiness. I am going to try your strategy of “Stop. Only love today.” Thank you for this post. It helps to know that I am not the only one and your words and actions have truly inspired me to finally tackle the worst bully ever…..myself.
jeremie lederman says
Kim, you know full well that there is counseling and professional help that you can seek out to stop this. Unless you are still defending your own ego at all cost, you can do this.
Bob says
It’s amazing to me after reading the comments how all these self-professed ‘bully’ parents have produced children who are so unruly at the grocery store. People… you’re not babysitters. You’re parents. Act like it. You’re supposed to over correct, it’s the nature of the job. There’s nothing wrong with enacting disciplinary measures comparable to what the situation calls for, but there must be equal amounts of praise, ‘atta boys’, and love to compliment it.
If you’re belittling your kid, being mean to make yourself feel better, or being mean just to be mean (the essence of what a bully REALLY is) as a manifestation of internal insecurities (as indicated by this article) then the answer is not to ‘ease up’ on the symptoms of your problem (being mean) as much as it is to actually address those internal problems. Correct the problem, not the symptom. You talk briefly about this when you say you’d tell yourself to say ‘stop’ when you’re being mean to yourself, but your argument falters later on when you suggest that a parent who can relate to your story should ‘ease up’ on their kid. They should address and correct the problem. Not the symptom. Consistency in parenting is key if we’re talking relative norms here instead of extremes (abuse physical or verbal, excessive punishments, etc).
This article is mistitled in my opinion, since I don’t think badgering, constantly correcting, or even (constructively) criticizing your child (when warranted) define a person as a ‘bully’. I’m not even sure they are characteristics of a bully, since the underlying motivation of said behavior is an improved relationship with your child and/or perceived ‘improved’ behavior. In fact, much of what you wrote I don’t think corresponds to being a bully. To me, you exercised poor judgment which was compounded by your own internal insecurities, which again, as a parent, doesn’t lead me to believe that the answer to this is ‘ease up on your kid’ so much as it is to ‘fix your own internal issue and act appropriately given the situation’.
I’m glad you found your way out though and you and your kid are more comfortable as a result.
Pauline says
She isn’t saying to not discipline your child, or to not raise your child properly. She is saying that you shouldn’t be a BULLY to your child. Children have to be allowed to make some mistakes, that is how they learn. She is advocating that rather than belittle children for the mistakes they make, parents and caregivers rather help them to learn. She’s saying that when a child is hurt, soothing that child is more important in the moment than rushing off to the store even though it might set your “schedule” off by 5 minutes. She is reminding her readers that children are children, not miniature adults; and that children have feelings that are just as important as yours or mine.
Jessica says
Just read this. All I can say is WOW. I am that Mom! Time for a change! Thank you for sharing this story. I know I’ve made mistakes…especially with my step-daughter.
Traci says
I cannot thank you enough for this post. Honestly, I started bawling!! Your writing reflects me to a great deal right now in life with my three beautiful girls, and especially my oldest. I try so hard to be a good mom, but sometimes I add too much trying to make life perfect for them, that I don’t relax and let them relax and enjoy life and be joyous!! My new mantra for live is going to be your, “Only love today.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really hope to get your book , too!
Tera says
I discovered you on Facebook from another mom’s link. THANK YOU..it is very hard to admit but I am too a bully and my eldest daughter who is 11 gets the worst of it then myself. She has to take the backseat to my son whom is autistic everyday and it tears me apart. I can’t wait to purchase your book. I will also practice your mantra as well.. again. Thanks..
Tara says
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. This momma needed exactly that TODAY. It was the Lord using you to validate exactly what I’ve been feeling and how I need to change. You were a vessel today….thank you so much!
Tooashamedtowritemyname says
Thank you for this post. I am a bully to my three year old. I can’t believe it and it is excruciatingly painful to admit, but it’s true. What you’ve written really resonates with me in a lot of bad ways. I have apologized countless times and promised him and myself that it will stop, but I haven’t been able to stop the inner struggle and the “spillage” you speak of. I am going to try harder. I have to. How can I do this to the person I love more than anything who depends on me for everything, most importantly, unconditional love. Thank you. Wish me luck.
Valerie says
Today was the perfect time for this blog to be delivered to me. I grew up with a bully and became the same. I have at times been able to snap out of it for a few weeks, but the mistrust I see with my oldest 2 children haunts me daily. Today I will start again. Thank you for your courage to share.
Dilyn Murphy says
I am so moved by this. I appreciate your courage to share so openly about your struggle. I struggle with this too. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and agitated with my kids. I know it’s because i’m tired, cranky and tough on myself too. It spills out on them. I hate that and I feel so much guilt about it. It’s good to know I am not alone and that one day at a time I can do better. In small steps, I would love to see the change you did in my own kids. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dilyn
Nicole says
I could have written this about myself and my older child and only daughter. I am trying to stop. It’s so hard.
Deborah Dennis says
Yes!
Tammy Brady says
Thank you so much for posting this, iv been feeling the same way and doing the same things to my two youngest daughters, it was such a eye opener and I intend on making a serious change and fast. Thank you again
Anna says
Thank you so much for this post. It moved me to tears. I grew up with a very critical “bullying” mother who was also, I now realize, pushing herself to be perfect. I’ve mostly conquered my own inner critic – it was a difficult journey and even now I get discouraged about how everything doesn’t look perfect like it did in my mother’s house when I was growing up. But your description of your daughter before your transformation reminded me so much of myself as a child – it reminded me that a perfect house is less important than happy and confident children. Thank you!
Rachel says
Thank you so much for writing this! I have no children of my own yet, but growing up, my mother was very hard on me (and still is) for every little thing. Through this, I had become a bully to myself. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my mom, or for me. My biggest fear has always been that I would end up being a mother like my mom was. I’m determined not to end up like that, though, I would never want my children to feel the same way that I did. I’m even pursuing a career in childcare so that I can provide and safe, judge-free zone for children.
Rosanne says
Thank you so much for having the courage to write this! I was a screamer when my kids were little and I so regret those harsh words and the uncertainty in their eyes. I was so humbled at the instant forgiveness my kids always extended to me. In our quest for perfection and our inability to give grace to ourselves, we end up not giving much grace to others, including those we love the most. Anyway, thanks for sharing this – not only because it is great truth but also to give hope to those who wonder if they can change. Change is possible – my boys are 12 and 15 now and we have a great relationship that very rarely involves a raised voice (unless of course, they are outside and they can’t hear me! 😉 )
Hannah says
Thank you for this!!!
Heather @ French Press says
just lovely! and such a moving and inspirational post for so many of us moms
Mimi says
My daughter posted this on facebook. I pray she could see herself in you. She and my granddaughters were recently visiting in my home. As the oldest of four, I could see what was happening to the oldest but could do nothing about it. Any comment I make is taken as criticism. My daughter strives so hard to be a perfect mom, emplyoyee, wife and person. My sweet, nurturing, first granddaughter was being literally shut down by her mom’s actions and her mom’s inaction with the youngest. The youngest was being allowed to bully them both! By screaming, she would get her way. My daughter was giving in to her to just keep her from screaming. My oldest granddaughter was beginning to show signs of resentment towards her younger sibling, a child she has adored since she was born.
Thank you so very much for sharing your failings so others can hopefully see theirs. One can never be a success without failure.
Heidi Nutzman says
I absolutely could have written this myself….including the first born daughter part. You are amazing for posting this with such sincerity and honesty. I am 100% going to try and move forward in a different direction as a parent after having read this. Wonderful WONDERFUL post!
Kay says
Clearly you have struck a nerve with many. I am always finding myself criticizing my oldest daughter. Even worse for what she does and for what her brothers do. I always find a way to bring it back to her . sometimes I feel like I just want a reaction from someone and since her brothers reaction is usually laughter at my attempt at discipline I lash out at the person I know I can effect. In those moments I see her disappointment in herself for something that has nothing to do with her perfect little person. And the satisfaction of having someone listen and feel shamed by me does nothing but make me feel more shane for myself. It’s an awful cycle. I tell myself the stress will ease as they get older but naturally it won’t. It’s time to step back more and as you say “stop”. Stop being mean. Stop feeling bad for myself and the busy life that a house full of love brings. Stopping is the best advice there is., thank you for it. It sounds crazy but whenever I find myself at these moments I wonder how to stop and the answer is to simply do it.
Courtney says
This is one of the most wonderful things I’ve read in a long time. I absolutely ugly cried when I read this because I recognized many of these traits in myself. How could I have been so cruel – to myself and projected that onto my children, my everything’s?! It is so true that how we feel about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves and our situations reflects on those and is projected onto those around us. I congratulate you for your self-awareness and inner reflections and your bravery to make a very difficult change.
BJ says
Thank you so much for this article. It was an answer to a prayer-truly! I have never heard of your blog until today but I just this morning promised my husband, who bears the brunt of my bullying, that I would try to stop being so critical of myself because I realize it’s what causes me to be so critical of others. I don’t know how to do it but I know I need to. Can you explain a little more the stop technique you use? Just stop thinking a negative thought when it come? Do you replace it with a positive one or is stopping the thought enough. I just have been crying about this. I can’t believe your timing of this article and can’t help it was meant for me. Thank you and I can’t wait to read your past posts
jeremie lederman says
point out to your parents that if they were so perfect, then how could they have raised a child with so many flaws. Tell them their less than excellent parenting has interfered with your higher standards for too many years. Tell them that until they get help to be more perfect, they are a distraction and you need to move on to where high quality standards are a norm.
it’s all sarcasm, but you have to be willing to break off from them until you get healthy.
I had to leave home at 18, move across country, and struggle to near starvation on my own. It hurts like hell but your long term health and success as a whole adult are at stake.
KindredLikeMe says
Everything you describe is exactly what my parent did. Except mine never had the revelation you had, and they never stopped. To this day they haven’t stopped. I am still not allowed to fail. I’m 26 and even if they weren’t still breathing down my neck (they are -“wouldn’t you like to lose some weight?”, “you should try to date more”, “why don’t you ever go out?”), I’m now doing it to myself.
I would be curious to hear if you have any suggestions as to what someone in that position ought to do to finally escape the pressure put on them (by others and themselves). You write so beautifully about it.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your story and enlightening perspective. This is very helpful to those who are reading and trying to change. I am a big advocate for direct communication. What if you just say, “I’ve thought about this, and I would really appreciate you refraining from offering me advice on how to live my life or take care of my body. I am 26 years old and I feel good about the decisions I am making.” It is up to you whether you address how hurtful those comments are, but you have every right to say enough is enough. I will say that I have heard from hundreds of people who say they were not aware their criticisms were hurting the other person. This also leads me to believe letting someone know is a good thing. Awareness really is key. I wish you all the best, my friend. There are several chapters in my new book that talk about how I learned to silence my inner critic and speak lovingly to myself. I called it, “Hearing the Victory Song of Self Acceptance.” I hope you can hear it too. Wishing you peace.
Julie says
I just read this and it’s me. Oh my GOD is this me! I’m a single mama and no excuses, this is me. From today forward, only love toward my son. Thank you for opening my eyes to what I thought I had to be as a “perfect mom”. No one is perfect, not even our children. I will embrace him with love and celebrate his life discoveries with him. I’m in tears thinking about how I was treating him, but I know that I can change and in turn, bring more love into his life.
Marita DeVries says
I learned to let go of so many things that distracted me and took me from my children… but more so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago. I am still fighting the battle but it has brought me an appreciation for what is truly important in our lives. Each day I remember to say and stay positive. I remember to stop and not react immediately to what the kids are doing…. I have three children and the youngest is my daughter. She is what I should have been like as a child, only my mother and eldest sister bullied me…. and as an adult, I bullied myself. Without that constant bully raging in my head, I am able to pursue my dreams and support my wonderful children every day. Our relationships are loving and kind and rarely do I ever raise my voice…. there is no longer a hurry up to get something done 5 minutes ago. Thank you for your blog.
Emily says
I’m a big fan of what you’ve written here, but I do have one question. How do we balance such a supportive and loving atmosphere at home with preparation for the “real world?” I had many bosses, etc who didn’t care about showing me love and support. They were critical of my work, and I was a sensitive person who was frequently hurt by their words (maybe more than I should have been.)
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thanks, Emily. This is just my opinion, but I think there is a huge difference in setting realistic expectations for the way our children act and criticizing them in a manner that demeans or shames them. I taught boys with behavior issues for 9 years. I set expectations for the way they treated me and the way they treated each other. I also set expectations for their work and encouraged them to meet them. Offering boundaries to children is a loving thing to do. And setting realistic expectations show children you believe they CAN succeed. My story was about expecting unrealistic results and/or perfection from my child and not allowing her to make mistakes. Our world changed when I was able to step back and allowed her to be who she is–this is not the same as condoning bad/poor behavior. I think that if there were no expectations, it would be quite a shock in the real world. I believe we can prepare our children in ways that will build them up, not tear them down. Thanks for asking a great question!
Vicki says
Thank you. I needed to hear/read that!
Lost Dad says
Hi Rachael
This post hit home for me. I am sitting here at my desk at work crying. I wish I could speak to someone about this and actually get help.
My eldest daughter receives the brunt of my self-bullying leftovers. I hate myself for it more often than not and am on anti-depression medication for it as well. I think sometimes I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until it’s done.
I think it’s important to note that your Hands-Free-Mama is also for dads. I am a hands-on-dad and do a lot of the parental work in my house with dinners, feedings, diapers etc. My wife and I argue on a regular basis because of my “attitude” towards our daughter and my overall demeanor in life so much so that it’s hurting us and our loving relationship.
Anyways, I think this is going to be a LONG journey for me. I also grew up with parents (mom) exactly like me (self-bullying) and it’s engrained in my psyche for some reason. I know I need to let go, I just need to know how. I’ll be ordering your book.
Sincerely
Lost Dad
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hello there. I am touched by your heartfelt message and have reached out to a colleague who is skilled in areas I am not. I have asked her to share any tips or advice she might have to help you. She will respond to your comment, I am just sure of it. She has helped many of my readers in similar situations find hope. I wish you peace and healing. Thank you for taking that hard look inward and looking for steps to change.
Sandy Blackard says
Thank you Rachel, for inviting me to respond.
Dear Lost Dad,
As Rachel pointed out, you have already take the first step. You are “…taking that hard look inward and looking for steps to change.” I don’t know if you are aware of this, but you are even already looking for the point at which you can apply Rachel’s suggestion of telling yourself, “Stop! Only love today.” But it sounds like you think you can’t do it even though you would love to because, as you said, sometimes you don’t realize that you are doing it until it’s done.
You are right that when you don’t realize what you are doing, you cannot do anything about it. But you said “sometimes” which means that sometimes you do! That gives you a starting point.
On top of that, you also know that increasing your awareness of what you are doing in the moment is needed, and that you may need help.*
One way to increase awareness (or any other strength) is by starting from where you are and creating incremental successes. In this case, if you want to train your brain to say, “Stop. Only love today,” you might look for times when you know you can succeed and practice there, perhaps when you are just a little bit annoyed or expect to be. Once you have proof you can do it in the easy moments, try it in tenser moments. Keep building your confidence with success, until “Stop! Only love today,” becomes your natural first response to a stressful moment.
Whenever you take too big a step or have a bad day here and there, back up and succeed some more with smaller things before trying the next challenge level. This is you retraining your brain. Check in with yourself about each challenge level. Another great phrase to start using with yourself is, “You know what’s right for you,” because you really do.
If you try this, remember to give yourself a break. You won’t go from 0 to 100% success overnight. While you are practicing on the easy moments, the hard ones will still occur. For the times when you don’t stop yourself as soon as you wished, or don’t realize what you are doing until it is over, you can still do something afterward: go back to your daughter, apologize and reconnect by understanding her perspective as Rachel demonstrates beautifully in this story and many others on her blog.
Maybe you already go back to reconnect with your daughter, but tell yourself it doesn’t count because you shouldn’t have crossed your own line in the first place. If so, the moment you start to feel guilt practice saying, “Stop! Only love today (for myself),” because thinking the thoughts that make you feel guilty is how you bullying yourself into missing the great thing that you just did!
Discounting the steps you take to right a wrong perpetuates the self-bullying cycle. Valuing every little thing you do right, helps to reverse it.
It might also help to remember that children allow do-overs. No kidding. They do it with each other and are happy to do it with us, too. Do-overs have amazing power because they let children (and us) see who we really are – a loving, understanding parent who sometimes forgets themselves when feeling mad. But the loving, understanding one is the real one, and our kids know it. They hate it when we disappear and they can’t reach us (that’s the tears), but they remain surprisingly ready to welcome us back. It’s up to us to take the first step.
Do-overs really do rebuild connection. Blame and I told you so’s are not part of a do-over. Do-overs are all about seeing the child’s point of view, apologizing for your emotional explosions, and working together to solve the problem that set it off. Even though you would prefer to catch yourself in the moment or stop yourself before you started, do-overs can be your saving grace for now and always.
Beyond that I teach a simple parenting approach called Language of Listening that actually changes the way you see your child’s behavior so you don’t react negatively in the first place. It goes on to provide you with simple tools for child guidance that keep kids in touch with their greatness. If you are ever interested you can visit my website hot-linked to my name above.
*However, even though these tips and the Language of Listening can help, as you said in your comment, you need someone to speak to who can give you help. You said you are on anti-depressants and referenced a problematic “overall demeanor” that is affecting your relationships. That is a red flag that should not be ignored! If you have any voice in your head trying to discourage you from seeking professional help, say, “Stop!” There are fabulous family therapists everywhere, and some work on a sliding scale if money is a concern. Find one that feels right for you who can help you fall in love with yourself. That is what will change everything for you because all of the shifts in our relationships with our children (and spouse) start with us looking inward and embracing ourselves… just as Rachel said.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Sandy! I have gained so much from reading your thoughtful and very helpful response. You are a wealth of knowledge and offer hope for a better today. I am grateful for your support.
Lost Dad says
Dear Sandy
You are absolutely right and thank you for your direct response to my comment. I have been trying the “Stop! Only love today” approach since I left that comment and I am still on my meds. The “Stop!” approach is working so far and I am seeing a difference in my daughter already, although possibly not for the better. I have given out more hugs in the past few days than I have in a while and she seems to be acting out more…
My wife loves it and see’s a huge improvement in my attitude. I am still being hard on myself in the manor you mentioned when I catch myself after I “lose it” and yell. I only yelled once yesterday which is, embarrassingly, a huge improvement. Luckily in those “sometimes” moments where I do notice the frustration building for no apparent reason, I readily stop myself from going over the top and just say “only love” and give her a hug for being her. She really is an awesome kid.
So, thank you Sandy (for the direct comment) and Rachael (for being so honest). I wish you both all the best in live and love.
(Not so Lost?) Dad
Rachel Macy Stafford says
This is wonderful news! And believe me, these transformations take time. The fact you are trying and seeing some positives is so promising! My colleague and author Andrea Nair wrote a post when I told her how many people were asking for further information on not being so critical. Here it is: http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-button-pushing/20131212/steps-to-being-less-harsh-on-our-kids
I hope you continue on a path of self-love which touches the people you love the most! Thank you for sharing your hopeful news. I know you have inspired me and countless others!
Sandy Blackard says
(Not so lost?) Dad,
Wow! Moving from feeling lost and unable to control your reactions to “sometimes readily stopping” yourself and providing a hug is a huge step! You inspire me with your commitment to change!
You said you are seeing more acting out. If you would like to discuss specific situations that frustrate you, feel free to contact me via my website hot-linked to my name. I can give you some quick suggestions that will make a lasting difference.
L J Acree says
Beautifully said and done. You had me crying. I saw my whole family in what you expressed. The cycle continues if somebody doesn’t say STOP like you did. Bravo & well done! God bless you. You provide hope.
Melanie says
I thought I was the only one! Really struck a cord when you spoke about instantly responding to your crying younger child by asking your eldest what they had done. This happens multiple times a day for me. So much of my thought process with how I handle my eldest is the same as you describe. Knowing that it can be changed and the interaction fixed for the better gives me hope that I can turn the path we’re on around. Thank you!
jeremie lederman says
Thank you for this post.
I ran the gamut of emotions reading it.
1. Outrage at your stubbornness… I was hearing my self thinking rather angry comments… “your so called perfectionist S*&T is a complete illusion and you should F&%CK!*G know better”
2. Outrage at all the over the top introspective justifications for your horrible behavior. Rather than just saying “I’m choosing to be a total self-serving B&^%H of a mother,” it was all of the reasons behind it to minimize the weight of your own personal responsibility
3. outrage at my willingness to nearly feel hate for your parenting, and by extension YOU for what you were doing to damage this innocent child on behalf of YOUR disfunction’s
4. outrage at my own judgement and expedient outrage
5. disappointment at my inner voice, as someone who is in recovery for issues I picked up at the neglect I suffered as a kid, I know that your crappy parenting DID have a root that you DID need to find
6. Respect for the effort you made to shut yourself up and take ownership of your own crap.
7. respect for you admitting that at best, your ‘perfectionist’ crap was just fear and projection. it seems to have given you the foundation that was needed to make this a real change.
8. HOPE that your example will get many other abusive parents to wake the Hell up before they damage their kids.
I’ll just finish with one last direct comment…
Adults need to wake up and stop acting like F&*K!*G snowflakes. Stop walking around like you are made of sugar, where one little drop of stress or reality can melt half of you.
Our kids are NOT responsible for our ANGER issues, blame problems, victim posturing, or fear. They don’t do ANYTHING to deserve the levels of irrational and emotionally misdirected reactions.
We all need top open our eyes, get real, and get help before our parenting does little more than assure that future generations of recover groups and mental health practitioners have plenty of new clients.
Rachel Toalson says
Oh. So much resonates. I am the mama of five boys (7, 4, 3 and two 20-month-olds), and my oldest is a VERY strong-willed child…which means he has been the brunt of a lot of this. About a year ago, I had an Awakening of my own (much like yours), and I realized that these little people living in my home are not just here to order around but are here to teach me about love and kindness and patience and self-control. I’ve written extensively about my experiences, but that’s not the point.
I just wondered if you had read the book Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn (he reinforces, with scientific studies, some of what you’ve said above). I just finished it, and it has been so transformational to my way of thinking about my children. I thought, if you hadn’t read it, you might like to check it out.
Thanks for all your wisdom!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for suggesting this to me and all who are reading the comments. This is super helpful!
Darryl says
I have a 16 year old daughter that I quite often find myself being really short with. I’m under a lot of stress in my personal life. I’ve been going through a particularly nasty separation and financial issues, pulled in several directions with courses and other obligations, and working long hours which result in a shortage of sleep at least half the week.
I tend to take it out on her. I get easily annoyed at things that shouldn’t annoy me. I’m aware of it though, and do apologize to her when I catch myself, but I don’t feel like it’s often enough.
I too get distracted by electronics. My cell phone and laptop specifically.
I have a 4 year old son who escapes it for the most part, mostly because I’m extra careful with what I say and do around him.
Any advice on how to correct my actions with my daughter? She’s a beautiful, smart young girl that really takes things to heart. I know my shortness affects her in negative ways and I want to be able to change that habitual behavior.
Lori says
I found this blog post on FB and it sure seemed like it was meant just for me. After this morning’s disaster of ruined schedules, yelling and my daughter’s defeated face, I look forward to reading your book. I think it’s time for major changes. Thanks so much!
William G. Bates says
I have been trying to define the original concept that was inordinately called LOVE when the Bible was first translated into English. I have only been partially successful until only recently when it occurred to me that the overriding meaning has absolutely nothing to do with MAN’s emotions but is totally GIVEN by God as a GIFT with only the idea of absolute innate and intimate longing for mankind to return that same LOVE back to him.
Christian Love: “That quality of His being that is manifested toward mankind as a whole that desires a wholesome oneness relationship with every living soul.”
This concept can then be restated towards it Greek manifestations that were translated from the original Hebrew as:
Brotherly Love: “That quality of God’s being that is manifested through an individual toward the world as a whole which desires a wholesome oneness relationship with every other living soul.”
spouse: “That quality of God’s being that is manifested through an individual toward a member of the opposite gender which desires a wholesome intimate oneness relationship with that living soul.”
While Martial Love has been advanced as part of the separateness expressed in human terms, it is my understanding that this should be considered as part of the “Intimate Oneness Relationship” and that intercourse is a minor, though integral, factor of that oneness.
WGB
LizB says
Thank you so much for this post. I read it while I was waiting for my teacher to come to class and almost started tearing up in public. My parents where not bullies, but they certainly focused on the negative (never the positive) and were very hard on me (expecting me to get everything right on the first try). If I got an strait A’s I didn’t hear a thing, but if I got a C I never heard they end of it. If I won an award for art or poetry they would shove it in a drawer without a word, but a B- in math would definitely get some attention. I got this treatment from both parents, who are very much alike and because of it I grew up with very little confidence in my own abilities. I was blessed with a husband who is my biggest cheerleader and because of his attitude my life and outlook have changed completely. I take more chances and try more things. At the age of 30, I feel like I am finally blossoming as a person. It is so important, not only to not push for perfection and not be a bully, but to encourage and nurture your children in the things that they have are good at and enjoy doing. I love the picture of your daughter gardening. It shows that this girl is loved and encouraged to do what makes her “her”. I wish I had that growing up!
Karlene says
Thank you for sharing this. I struggled reading it through the tears, it was all to close to home for me! But it opened my eyes! Thank you again!!
A mom with open ears... says
Wow….like many of the other comments, I found myself reading this and crying because it is me…you could have been telling a story from my own household. As a child who was never expected to be perfect, I often wondered how/why I expected my children to be this way. I realized after reading this that I am hard on my daughter and son because I am hard on myself. I feel bad about my self image, my career, my financial status, etc and beat myself up and that anger then transfers to my interactions with my children….Thank you so much for helping to open my eyes and hopefully begin the mending of relationships!
Catherine says
Hi Rachel, I read your blog — my husband sent it to me which I loved that it resonated with him as well. We both see that we have a lot to work on and we need to change big time!! We shower the kids with love but we also do manyif not all the things you describe in your blog. We don’t belittle them but we both are quick to yell or to threaten time outs etc or we are constantly telling them to hurry up. There are so many days that my 2 oldest childern (6yrs and 3yrs) just don’t listen, I could ask 6 times pleasantly for them to do something like put on their shoes and they don’t which just gets us frustrated. Our collective thought is to follow your advice to start fresh today and move toward brightening all of our futures with being more postive and stopping bullying ourselves and our kids (we are both reall hard on ourselves too). But one thing I am not sure how to do is how do I get the kids to understand that at times we have to be on a schedule and to have them help. I have sat them both down and calmly explained that if they would help us out or do what we asked the first time we ask it then we wouldn’t get upset. How do I correct behaviors I don’t want to see happen like when they are telling little lies or hitting each other or writing on the wall. I want to allow all of the things you talked about, letting them be kids and be creative and find all the wonder in the world but I also want to balance that with respect for us, each other and yes even schedules because sometimes life has to have a schedule. We truly want to change how we are with them so any scenario tips would be appreciated. I will be immediately incorporating the “stop…just love today” approach. After I get over feeling like I should cry right now. Thanks for posting! Catherine
VB says
Catherine – I relate to your words as much if not more than the original post…both you and Rachel have well-timed words for me today. I’m curious as well if anyone has any suggestions for what you speak of – I’ll rely on your choice of words to explain, as I don’t think I could explain it better.
Rock – meet Hard Place…you try to take that step back and say STOP, but that does not change the fact that you HAVE to get out of the house in the morning and to preschool so you can get to work on time so you don’t get fired, and kids need to be fed and dressed with teeth brushed at minimum before that can happen.
Lindsey says
Thank you so much for this post!
I’ve been reading and learning from you for awhile now, and it has really transformed me and my approach to parenting. I’ve been struggling with my oldest daughter lately, and you simple, but so important “Stop! Only love today!” is exactly the answer. It’s so easy to get caught up and frustrated, but all she needs is love.
Erin says
I grew up with a mom like you used to be, except I was the youngest. My sister has Turner’s Syndrome and my brother was the only boy. Any fight I had with my sister was my fault. Anything she took of mine that I got upset about, I was being selfish. Any time I took something of hers without asking I was being dishonest. When I got bad grades, I wasn’t going to amount to anything. If I made a mess, I was lazy and careless. When I succeeded, my mom told all her friends “Look what my daughter can do” instead of “I’m proud of you.” Everything I did was wrong, even when it wasn’t my fault. Sometimes, like with your daughter, I didn’t have to even do anything and she’d get angry with me. Anything below an A wasn’t good enough, any time I didn’t jump right away to do what she asked I was disrespectful and lazy, if I didn’t answer her question fast enough she would yell it at me as loud as she could (she did this in front of my friends several times), she was constantly telling me I was chubby and looked unkempt. We had a horrible relationship until about a year and a half ago. We got in a fight (I was sad about having to give up my cat and she was angry because she felt I was trying to guilt trip her for not wanting to take my cat) and I flat out told her she was a terrible mother and an abusive person. I told her I didn’t hate her, but I didn’t trust her and I knew she didn’t love me. I think it floored her because she didn’t see herself that way. We talked a bit after that and things have gotten a little better, but I’m 30 years old now and my mother is usually one of the people I avoid talking about my problems to. She’s started being more supportive and uplifting, but she falls back on her old ways sometimes. I’m terrified to have children, or even be around them, because I don’t want to treat people the way I was treated.
William Glade says
Thank you so much for posting this story. It gave me a lot of insight on how I can be a better person and love others more openly and more deeply. Thank you again so much.
Alisa says
Thank you for sharing. While I was reading I burst into tears realizing that you were describing my relationship with my eldest daughter perfectly! I have made a vow to be a better Mom starting this minute! Thank you again. You are an angel in disguise pointing out exactly what I needed to change without even knowing I did.
Ali says
I too feel that I was meant to read this post at exactly this time. My oldest son, who is 7, told me last night that he feels as if I don’t love him because I am always yelling at him. I told him that I yelled at him BECAUSE I loved him and that I had to teach him how to do his best. Even as I said the words out loud, I felt as if something was wrong. How could yelling at someone make them better? I don’t see how I can make the journey you have made. The battle seems so uphill that I wonder whether I can do it at all. All I can say is that I will try to remember to tell myself to STOP and say something kind instead of something harsh. I hope I will have the strength to achieve the results you have.
Karsus says
Being self-critical is valuable. Perhaps not all the time, but high standards do force you to be better.
… Acting from anger however – rather with more force than intelligence – does often create a mess… That’s really for when things aren’t okay and your don’t know how to handle the situation – not all the time.
Both the carrot and the stick cause problems when misused.
Mendie says
Thank you. For making me step back and realize just how much I don’t want the nagging voice to be the one my daughter remembers most when she thinks about me.
Let love win.
Trudi says
Wow, this story is one of the most amazingly heart wrenching, helpful, brave and life changing posts I have ever read. Thank you for sharing. I am definitely in need of a way to get more patience with my daughters and I am extremely “busy” and distractible often. I will remember this. You have given me a wonderful tool. Thank you. X
Patricia says
I wish my mom could have read this 41 years ago. I think she is unhappy about her life being ruined be getting pregnant with me at 17 and not turning out the way she imagined it, and has taken it out on me. I could never…and still can never do anything that will ever make her happy. I can’t live up to her expectations to this day and by all accounts, I’m doing quite well in my life. I finally had to sever the ties 8 years ago and let the toxicity go because it was destroying me mentally and in my health. I finally realized that the I had taken over being the bully to myself as well as letting her still do it. She is still the same but I have blossomed. It took me until the age of 38 before I finally had the courage to go to college full time to do something I wanted to do with my life not something she wanted me to do, because I had such a fear of failure and disappointing others. It took me forever to chose clothes out of my own closet for fear of it ‘not being right’. I wouldn’t try new things if I didn’t think I could over-achieve doing it. I couldn’t even have kids of my own. I’m so glad I was able to finally wake up and smell the coffee. Honestly, now I look back at the person standing in front of the closet fretting over what to wear and think about how ridiculous I was, even though I do revert from time to time. It truly is something you have to have a conscious perception of but you can do it if you care. Start caring about yourself. 🙂
Mel says
This is absolutely beautiful and hits so close to home. I grew up with being yelled at and fearing if I didn’t do things properly or made my own plans I would get yelled at or they would be mad at me. My mom was always the people pleaser and my dad was the one that one that yelled or had to do things he wanted and if didn’t or you said well I have this planned it wasn’t okay. To this day I am 32 and have a family of my own and it is still that way I am scared to tell my father no we have plans. I am partially my mom the people pleaser however I take so much out on my children and expect so much of them and dealing with my agenda instead of letting them be kids. I am defenitly going to read your book. Thank you so much.
Kelly says
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!
Everything you wrote I feel. My desire is to STOP, only love today.
I am thanking God for your words, they truly spoke to me today.
So again, THANK YOU!!!
God Bless you!
Nickie says
I needed to read this. I have a 3 week old, a 4 year old, and my oldest is almost 7. They are all beautiful, wonderful amazing girls. I feel like I’m always so busy trying to keep the house clean and organized and get ready for Christmas, and relearn how to handle having a newborn again, and try to make sure my now middle child doesn’t FEEL like a middle child, so on and so forth. My poor 7 year old either gets lost in the shuffle, or gets nagged and nitpicked about her homework, or her messy room, or spilling food all over her shirt, or making a mess in my kitchen (or anywhere), or not cleaning the playroom (even though the mess is mostly from the 4 year old). I’ve only recently realized I’ve been doing it, but I didn’t realize until I read your post that I’ve been doing it to myself too. I put so much on myself and take so much on and stress myself out over every little detail. I often wonder if I’m borderline OCD. And if people are coming over, forget about it, I’m a wreck. I can’t get the house clean enough. I know I need to stop stressing and stop taking it out on my daughter. My husband and I talked about it just yesterday. I just don’t know how. So finding this post seems a bit fated; I’ll be telling myself STOP and “Only Love today” starting NOW. I will definitely be looking for your book this January. THANK YOU!!
Leslie says
This hits close to home for sure. Unfortunately, it’s my husband and I both that are too hard on our oldest daughter. I feel like we are always on to her about SOMETHING. I know something needs to change. None of us feel good the way things are, and it’s devastating to see the light, that joy, that confidence drain from your child’s eyes. I am ready to change, and I know she is too!
RT says
This is the first comment I have ever posted in my life.
This was a great, inspiring, much needed blog post. A beautiful way to simplify but communicate efficiently the hurdles of self-loath and self-love. Bravo for being courageous through vulnerability – Bravo for sharing your own story as the narrative to learn from. Thank you for encouraging all of us to see ourselves through a different lens.
JButler says
Thank you so much for sharing this. It hurts a lot to read because it’s as if you reached down into the depths of my mind and pulled out all of the things I’ve hidden there. I really needed to read this and I think I also needed to know that I’m not alone so that I could finally have the courage to do something about it. Thank you.
Cara Jane says
Thank you!
bryce D says
What you did is the same way how i treat my 8 year old as i read it i couldnt believe the similarities.
Julie says
Wow! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing such a personal and private struggle and shared so we could all learn from this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Marcie says
I have this same issue of trying to keep everything running in some semblance of order and my oldest who is 10 also takes the brunt of it. We have 5 (ages 10,8,8,4 and2). What I feel like I expect to much of her because she is my first and every stage is uncharted territory for me. When she was struggling to write her name in kindergarten I was worried, when her siblings do it I know they will catch up…these sorts of things affect each stage with her. I also feel like I spend so much time trying to get stuff done (cleaning, cooking, laundry…) that I rarely have time to to enjoy the family and often get stressed out and lose my cool when we do take a break and then there is a huge mess after and no one else seems to care (so it takes me nagging to get help to get it done or I have to do it alone feeling resentful). I so much want to be more loving, but how do you do it without having your life fall apart? I feel like I have to control everything or our house just gets so out of control, and I feel like I have to nag or yell or no one (my hubby included) listens or helps and it is just too much for me person. And if I try to relax the house gets so messy and it is hard to live in, we end up late, things get missed or forgotten (like school projects, events to attend). I can’t tell you how many times I have thought that we have too many kids (the baby was a surprise), and I don’t want to regret my children. I don’t know where to start.
Ariel says
It must be fate that lead me here today, this morning I caught my son lying and I found myself doing what I always do, angry face, telling him that I can’t trust him anymore because of his lying, letting him know he has nothing to look forward to on the weekend because I’ll be taking away his games. I kept asking why, why did he lie? If he would just tell the truth he wouldn’t get in trouble, I said this, knowing it wasn’t true. I’m guessing he knows by now too and I am his example, I realize now that I am causing his behavior and that horrid, sould-deep, hurt look in his eyes and the inability to just tell the truth and trust in me. Because I am raising him just like my mother raised me, even though I’ve given him much more supervision and materialistic things than my mother gave me, I’m still not giving him the one thing he needs most, trust. Thank you for this article, truly.
Melody says
This was like reading my own story. It really hit me one day when my daughter said she loved daddy more than me. I asked her why and I could tell she was afraid to say. I asked if I was too hard on her and mean sometimes and she nodded yes. I know I’m too hard on her because I expect great things from her, but it’s not a good excuse. I can expect great things from her and start building her up instead of tearing her down. Thank you for this reminder. I just need to STOP and practice “Only love today”. Thank you for your honesty. <3
Sheryl says
This hits entirely too close to home and yet…I needed to read it. I need to read it often and start my own journey of love. I can’t wait to read your book. Thank you for sharing.
Ana says
Thank you for sharing this! This hits home for me, so I’m choosing “only love today” and everyday! You have a lovely blog that I know will help a lot of parents.
Melissa says
Thank you so much for posting this…it comes at such an opportune time for me and my current path in life. I appreciate that you have opened up so much, because sometimes it feels like I’m struggling in a void.
Paula says
I almost didn’t read this. I didn’t think I had the time…but I decided I was too curious to pass it up. I now know why. I was for me. I needed to see myself in your words and realize what I have been doing to my kids and to myself. I will be better, starting right now. Thank you so much!
Mandy says
You have no idea how much I needed this today. That look you saw in your ‘s eyes before your change…I’m seeing that now in my three year old daughter’s eyes. I have been extremely discouraged for the past month as her behavior seems to worsen, but your article opened my eyes to the fact it could be because of me. Thank you so much. I cried while reading this because it truly spoke to me. As a single mother if three year old twins, our lives tend to revolve around tight schedules and my “inner bully.” I’m vowing that today starts my “STOP! Only love today” change. Thank you do much!!!
kris says
I saw this posted from a friend and read your blog. I am guilty of doing everything you said you have done.
I have a really smart, talented daughter but I always criticize her when things are not done perfectly like you stated. I yell quickly when I shouldn’t and I know I am killing her spirit at the same time. She is not as happy as she used to be and prefers to be reading in her room. We used to do crafts together and other things. Now, nothing really. Last night, was the first time in a long time I really enjoyed her company. I took her to see Santa, had dinner, ice cream and bought some chocolate. On the way home, we even stopped at a book store and she got 2 new books when I was not planning on spending any more money. I really want to stop what I am doing and will repeat those words to myself as I interact with my daughter. I hope it will work. I have talked myself blue in the face about attitude and no more sarcasm from her. I am so stressed from it and dealing with it from the husband is not helping. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Snitch says
You still have time to turn things around. Go, tell her you realize what you have done, and ask her to forgive you. Her knowing you want to stop, and are asking for her to forgive her will (most likely) let her see you want to change. Maybe there can be a key word for her to use that will remind you that you are being harsh. Something you both come up with, and you promise to her, if she sayes it, you will STOP, walk away, and come back when you can talk reasonably.
I hope this works for you.
It was too late for my own daughter.
But, we are working on it now. Praise Him.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you. I love your comments. I love how people are supporting one another here and trying to help others find a first step.
Margarita @ West Coast Mama says
I just pre-ordered your book for my e-book reader. I could have written this post if I could only describe my emotions as well as you have written them here.
Holly says
Thank you so very much for this blog post. Reading it brought tears to my eyes because I see a lot of what your behavior in myself, and it greatly saddens me, but has opened my eyes. It took courage for you to write such a post, yet you did. You found the strength within yourself to face the ugly truth and to change it. Something that you have inspired me to do as well. I love my kids more than anything in the world, yet I realize that I sometimes take them for granted, and don’t let them see the world as I did as a child. This will change. Thank you for this wonderful gift you have given me.. the truth.
Natalie says
So much easier said than done….Its easy for me to not to bully my son, but i have been bullying myself for over 30 years, i wish i knew how to turn it off…its crippling
suzanne m. says
Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t have children of my own at this point in my life. I’ve worked with children for most of my young adult life. I’m married to a sweet, sweet man. I’ve also struggled with perfectionism my entire life. In this way I can relate to that controlling, belittling drill sergeant you describe and how that inner-bullying spills out. I decided a while ago to work on stopping this voice and keeping its criticism from spilling onto the people I love. Since I started this process, I’ve noticed my relationship with my husband bloom. He’s not afraid of me. He’s better able to support me and comfort me when I’m upset, overwhelmed, scared of things. He’s more willing to tell me what he wants and needs. He’s more comfortable doing things around the apartment without fear of “getting it wrong.” Your words, “Stop. Only love today” succinctly sums up what I’ve been trying to do internally for a long time now. Thank you for this phrase. It will make my daily battle against perfectionism and self-bullying easier for me.
Priscilla says
Thank you so much!!! In tears within the first few sentences of reading this. I feel hopeless in making a change in my relationship with my older daughter until I read this. She is still young and Im just so happy that you shared this. I never had looked at things this way. Thank you again and thankful that someone shared this on Faxebook.
Lemon Faith says
You so described me and my relationship with my middle daughter. I am a perfectionist, type A personality and she has mild autism, ADD and host of other things. I have always found her messiness and general neediness so hard to deal with to the point that I couldn’t see any good things at all about her. I tried so hard to change but couldn’t work out why I couldn’t until one day a voice in my head said ‘you can’t accept her weakness because you can’t accept your own weaknesses and brokenness’. Wow, that was a revelation. As a child I was very good at school and I was teased for that, I learnt to be a people pleaser and I pushed away the things I loved to fit in with the crowd. I realise that I never dealt with that rejection of who I was, and my daughter was bringing back all those feelings, and I have been doing the same to my daughter, trying to groom her so she won’t be rejected instead of accepting her quirks. It’s only as I have begun my own healing process of self acceptance that I am able to start relating to my girl in a healthy way.
Tami says
Simply beautiful. I cried as I read this because like so many others here, you described me. For the last few years I have struggled with these same issues. After a year of searching for answers, I found that some of my hormones and as well as my thyroid were low which all began due to stress and trying to do too much. I tell you this in hopes that it may help someone else out there who is struggling with this.
I have become very aware of my relationship with my oldest daughter, who is actually the 3rd child over the past little while. A lot of my frustrations were being taken out on her as well as our oldest son. I feel so horrible for the things that have happened but realize I can make it different by starting over and making sure things never get that way again. Thank you for your deep honesty and message of hope and love.
Gloria says
I will be reading this story to my support group clients (victims of domestic violence.) I hope that they will find wisdom in your words. Most of them have trouble focusing in parenting because they are so busy dealing with their own issues. They usually become their biggest bullies and forget how to love themselves. I also relate to this story as a “career-focused” mom, and I hope it’s not too late to mend some things with my 16 year old son.
Bridget Dunn says
Wow! Just Wow! I thought you were writing about me! 8 years ago, I walked away from a high profile corporate career and lots of money. I WAS that same person! Successful professionally. Miserable personally. The busy “master schedule” could not be tampered with. The need for control and perfection was constant. I was always angry. I knew what was happening would ruin my family and my marriage. I walked away from the corporate world and became a yoga instructor. Thank you for the reminder why I did it. Although we are poorer we are much happier! Looking forward to reading your book.
Anjelica says
I want to personally thank you for writing this. I found it on facebook. This is totally me and my child. She is 7 and we have a 9 month old. I almost cried because I see the look in her eyes when something does not go right. As of today I will STOP and love only!
Thank you so much this truly helped me!
Melody says
How do u send this to your own daughter and still have a good relationship with her?
Snitch says
Ask for her forgiveness. Put it on her FB page.
Dee says
Very brave of you to share. Proud of your growth. I just discovered the same truth this past year, and that’s without a hectic schedule. Change and growth are a perfect couple when married. Smile and Virtual hug for you my dear. Great job.
Ivy says
I am 48 years old. A story that happened today:
The Doctor: How much do you smoke?
Me: Pack a day.
Doctor: You need to quit.
Me: Well, I won’t.
The Doctor: You weighed in at 204lb.
Me: Mm hmm.
The Dr.: You need to lose weight. Low carb, high protein–
Me: I’ve been on Atkins for 6 weeks. I’ve lost 5 lb.
Dr.: Well, you need to exercise–
Me: I have a bad back and knees from exercise bulimia. I can barely get out of bed some days. I worked out 7 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 30 years. I destroyed my metabolism with anorexia and bulimia.
Dr: You have high blood pressure. I’m going to prescribe you–
Me: No. I won’t take it.
Dr (really confused now): You won’t take it??? Don’t you care about your health?
Me (Looking him in the eye for the first time): No. I don’t.
Dr: It almost sounds like you you’re giving up. That you just want to die!
Me: Yeah, it kinda sounds like that, doesn’t it?
This, right here, should be a nightmare scenario for anyone raising a child. This is what happens 30, 40 years in the future to a child when she is bullied and picked on by the very person who is supposed to protect her from bullying. This is the result of perfectionism.
I don’t work. I don’t produce. I never had children. I gave up on everything I loved and that brought me joy and purpose because nothing was ever good enough. Because that voice in my head, my mother’s voice, permeated everything I did, every person I met, everything I touched. I’ve been in and out of psychiatric institutions for 30 years. I’ve been on a host of anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, even anti-psychotics. I have seen therapist after therapist after therapist. But nothing helps.
Don’t let this happen to your children.
Snitch says
Ivy: I read your response and saw many similarities to my own life. But, there is one great difference. I choose to believe in the unbelievable. God. He saved me. He never leaves or forsakes me. He loves me, dirt and all. He only asks that we reach out to Him. He does the rest. He can heal your wounded heart. He can silence the voices that have robbed you of your HOPE in your head. He can give you a new HEART. Yes, He can!
Psalm 37v3-5: Trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) in the LORD and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Commit your waay to the LORD [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.”
This is but a few of the promises He has made us, which He gives us daily. I will pray for you.
Brianna G. says
Wow…as I type this with tears streaming down my face, I want to say Thank You! After getting upset with my 10 year old daughter last night and saying today, “Where did I go wrong with her? Why does she act like this?”, I have realized she isn’t the one that’s misbehaving…..
Linda says
Great post! I too understand the “bullying” yourself, although I had never thought of it in those terms. After years of hearing my dad’s negativity in my head even though it occurred years ago, it can be hard to shake and not pass on to my own kids. My lovely daughter is graduating this year. We are close and always have been, but I know that at times I have been harder on her than I ever wanted to be. Sometimes I have heard my dad in my own words when talking to her and my son and had to tell myself to “Stop” and apologize. I am not perfect, but everyday I try and be supportive of who they are and their unique, amazing personalities! Everyday is a challenge 🙂
Snitch says
Linda: I hear the echo of my father’s words in my head everyday. He had been dead for 15 years, and it is still like he is standing behind me, telling me I will never amount to anything. It is very hard to block out that voice, but I commend you for doing it. I have been making strides myself. We have to grow up and be our OWN person. I was a single parent to a daughter also, and she is now a single mother with children.I only pray she is able to block out MY words. We are slowly working our way to a better tomorrow, but with God’s grace, we are on the path.
Johnboy says
I’ve never read such utter tosh in all my life.
Unwilling to accept responsibility and not content with being unable to find another person to blame for her inability to deal with the pressures of daily living, the author has committed the ultimate cop-out and sought to blame her inner-self for being a bully.
Reminds me of a defence mounted by a death-row inmates in America. Rather accept personal responsibility for their criminal actions, many defendants are blaming their brains for ‘making them do it’.
Lesley says
Thank you for the gift that your writing is. This blog hit so close to home for me, I have been struggling with the shame and guilt cycle of the perfection curse I put on my daughter, I see her disappointment, her fear, her fading sparkle and the difference in expectations I have of her and her brother. I have instituted a no yelling policy as of one month ago ( for me) and It has significantly improved our relationship. I see the sparkle returning, the inner light shining, the pride returning. My guilt is fading as I learn to forgive myself. I never thought I would ever parent like this. My daughter is a very old soul and is resilient. I am so proud of her. Wow, a very moving piece, thank you xo
Jen says
Wow. Awful. A part of me feels for you but quite frankly, you’re now making money and selling books from your past behavior. Not impressed. See this too much with the quote, unquote, soccer mom that works outside the home. The children suffer for years and the mom says, “well, I was stressed, or I just couldn’t handle the pressure, and look there’s a whole forum of us” and then all is supposed to be forgiven.
Snitch says
Jen: I can almost understand your position. It seems you are upset she might be financially profiting from her mistakes. The whole point of this blog is the honesty found here. She made mistakes, realized it, and now, not only is she in a better place in her own head, so is her daughter. Now, she is trying to give others the opportunity to help others change too. You do realize that no book publisher prints books for free, right? The author is not asking an unreasonable amount for her books and items on sale. If it will save one child’s self esteem, it is worth it.
Perhaps instead of writing to defeat, maybe you could write to uplift. Just a suggestion.
I wish you would rethink your stance.
Pam says
It’s interesting… The feeling I took away from this post was not that all is supposed to be forgiven but that when we acknowledge how are actions affect others, we can make a conscious decision to change our behaviour and begin working towards raising happy, healthy families. I read that we choose to behave this way and that we can choose to stop behaving this way. Why not share our struggles in the hopes that we might help someone else? It’s funny how people can have such different perspectives on the same piece.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thanks, Pam. I have always believed when we see each other’s scars, we love each other more.
Erin says
This spoke directly to my heart. Sometimes it’s so easy to allow stress to overwhelm you and turn you into the Cranky McCrankenstein that you keep saying the kiddos are. Here’s to new days and second chances.
Beth says
I appreciate this story so very much. Its hard to accept when you see a negative side of yourself. I just did. Thank you.
Nicole says
Thank you.
Samantha says
I really hope your daughter can mend. I’m 25 years old and my self confidence is still in terrible shape from my father treating me similarly. I have anger problems, and also bully myself frequently throughout the day.
Micha says
My best friend shared this on fb…. Can’t wait for the release. Alot of truth in what you said…Stop is a good start. Thank you
Paula says
Rachel, I came upon your article, “The Bully Too Close to Home” on Facebook. I saw myself in your every word. I only wish I’d have had your wisdom 30 years ago when I was raising my children and taking everything out on my oldest child. I often pray I have not caused irreparable harm. He is a nervous and very overweight young man, and I blame myself. I’m thinking about purchasing your book and passing it on to my children.
Msch says
A friend put this link on their facebook, and I’m now very pleased to have come across it. I’m a Dad, and I see quiet a bit of myself in your words and actions Rachel. Thank you also for sharing your experience this gives me hope that I will overcome my bad, habits and contribute to a better future for my kids. Thank you for sharing.
I look forward to your book’s release. Question is there anything about absenteeism guilt in your book? I’m a veteran and if there has been one consternation in my career it has always been my long absences from my kids. I suspect this is one area that contributes to my dad bullying to me and my kids.
Camara says
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is such a comfort to know that others are experiencing similar feelings that I am. I could have told this same exact story. What I took away from this is that I CAN change. I don’t have to continue to be this way. I can accept responsibility and I don’t have to always blame someone. I can take the time to praise my children. I need to calm down when things aren’t going as planned. Because you are right, for some reason we try to be this beyond perfect being, and it’s just not necessary. We must always strive for better, but not at the cost of our loved one’s feelings. Thanks again for sharing. I am a better mom because I read this and was reminded of what a blessing my children are to me.
Tonia says
My goodness. I almost couldn’t finish reading this due to the tears that filled my eyes. I relate so much. I’ve been catching myself traveling down this road recently and is killing me (and my daughters) inside. Thank you for an amazing eye opener and motivation. Time for a 180 turn. Thank you!!!!
Tonia
littleheartsbigpurpose.blogspot.com
Ashley says
Wow. I bawled reading this entire entry. I felt like it was me describing my daughter and I. I’m breaking her spirit. Thank you so much for sharing. I am going to try to “stop” and let her be from now on.
A mom says
I work hard to try to be the parent who let’s my daughters be less than perfect in order to learn. I am not perfect and often remind myself to do or not do something. What I struggle with is being compared to families who still hover parent. The schools are very harsh in judging me as less of a parent because my child isn’t perfect. Any thoughts?
Teresa says
The bully in my home is me, but the only person I really bully is myself. I have my moments, but I feel that I nurture my children really well. 95% of the time, I save my kindness for those around me and just stick to bullying myself. I could totally relate that inner voice that says, “You’re too fat” or “Who would want to be friends with you?”. Maybe I should tell myself what you told yourself…”Only love today,” but it seems silly when I’m talking about myself. My eyes are totally open to my interactions with my children…they get all the love I didn’t feel growing up.
Karey says
What a moving,raw,painful and inspiring post. Thank you for sharing that powerful lesson.
noelle glorioso says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience 🙂 It really hit home! I am going to try hard to take this message to heart and let go! and Just STOP!
Candace @ Candida Free Candee says
Beautiful honesty! Embrace the imperfection, it’s the most beautiful part!
Tiffany Erickson says
Thank you for this wonderful post Rachel!
I have been reading Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is. The same issues within myself were brought to my attention. I have been constantly criticizing them and myself. Katie has you ask yourself four questions when you have a thought so that you can unravel it, in a way. I realized that when I took away my judgement thoughts all I had left when I looked at my children was love. After just two days of practicing this I received a comment from her teacher who had been struggling with her in class “She’s like a whole new kid! Did you have a talk with her or something?” I had tried talking with her in the past but it had never mattered. The only ing I changed was leading with love and not with criticism.
I look forward to reading your book as well! Thank you! Sincerely, Tiffany
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I appreciate you sharing a good resource! I will check it out right away! Thanks, Tiffany!
Rachel says
Thank you for the courage to write this article and thank you for realizing the need to change for yourself and your sweet daughter. I had a bully mom. She broke my spirit at a very young age. I became a thing that “did”, not a person that “felt”. I married a bad, bad man. I am now divorced, raising our three children on my own because he is unsafe to be around. I had zero love for myself or self esteem when I met him, but I thought he loved me because he wasn’t as mean to me as my mother had been. I didn’t know what love was. But I am 35 years old and learning every day. If God hadn’t picked me up and dusted me off and just loved me, I don’t think I’d still be alive. I don’t have much of a relationship with my mom. I actually moved across the country to get away. And I am happy now. The past 4 years have been the happiest of my life. Life is Beautiful. My children are so precious and bring such great joy. I learned from all the years with her what NOT to do. I used to be terrified of ending up like her. But I am not, and I am grateful. I don’t think she’ll ever admit to the past. I’ve tried to talk to her but she refuses. So thank you for giving your daughter that. You have no idea the hell you have saved her. Make sure you tell her that she’s beautiful. My little girls smile with delight. Tell them that of all the little girls in the world, you would have chosen them because they are so wonderful and precious. My little girls radiate with those words. Remind them that they were created to be wonderful, beautiful, life-giving women through your actions and your words. We can choose to be however we wish. We can be amazing moms, living a beautiful life, and it’s all up to us. Young or old, rich or poor, single or married. We can never, ever take words back, no matter how we wish. Choose your words and your actions wisely. And get help if you feel out of control and you know you are hurting your precious baby. Do counseling yourself, so that she won’t have to meander through that maze and heartache when she grows up. We are BLESSED beyond measure with these babies, time to show them that!
Kim says
You made me cry. I feel like I am constantly impatient with my girls because they make a mess, or they’re not quick enough, etc, etc… I am going to try the “Stop…only love!” strategy. While I feel like I encourage them a lot, I also feel like I definitely need to relax a little. I need to give them time to do things and not be so focused on what I need to get done. The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!
Martha says
How true. For when we are negative in everything, we draw out what’s leftover which is the worse.
Dolly says
The intro was kind of like the alcoholic that killed someone. It makes me happy and disgusted all at the same time.
Mama C. says
Thank you. This was much, much more than a lesson.
This was a gift.
Blessings to you, your beautiful and talented daughter, and the rest of your family.
Peggy says
I wish I had the guts to spill all that is on my heart tonight. I read this blog this morning and have had it on my mind all day. Thank you for sharing with me and all the other mothers out there. My heart is sad for all those words, actions thoughts when raising my children, now 38 and 36. I find it so hard to forgive myself.
P.J. says
I am glad I came across this post. What an incredible read. It’s amazing how much one can look in the mirror when reading a post like this. I think I’ve done something along these lines to myself the past few years, but with different circumstances. I’ve broken outa of it as I knew it would eventually fix itself, but it’s something to read your post and think back and realize I may have been doing this to myself and to some friends etc. thanks for sharing. I’ll have to look into your book.
Gizely says
Thank you so much for sharing this post. I really needed to read this today. Sometimes i feel the pressure to be the mother who will bring the best in her child by always expecting so much from them when truly all it’s doing is keeping them from being who God created them to be.
God Bless You.
I wrote a post about some motherhood experience i would like to share with you if you have a moment to read. The title is ‘ The mother i dreamt of being i’m not”
http://frommomtomoms.com/2013/09/20/the-mother-i-dr/
Vicki says
Wow. SO brave of you to open up and be so brutally honest. I have to say that I have seen a little of that negative behaviour in myself with my eldest. I have changed over the years and seen my girls grow to respectful and very loving caring young ladies. I have become more positive in a lot of ways and it has benefited our whole family.
Sarah says
I would just like to thank you for this article. Your past experience has described my life. I have two daughters 2 and 10 and my oldest gets a lot of grief. I jump at her for everything she does wrong and this is something I have realized over the past few months. I have gotten better but some things need to change still. Thanks again
Michael French says
My 92 year old father never learned this lesson, a week before his death my last conversation with him was listening to his belittling, spiteful criticism of 2 of my brother. His death has been like lifting a black cloud from our shoulders. I have 8 brothers, we are not family more like hostage survivors.
Dee says
Rachel, I want to thank you for being able to write this and post it online for the world to read, I too experienced this and I would like to share my story with you. I am sitting here crying while I write my story for you to hear, as I know how far I have come, the damage it did and that there is still work to do…
I have always been hard on myself, a typical over-achiever type A personality – I have that drive to always want to do the best job, excel at no matter what I do and to do it with everything I have. While raising my daughter, (she is now 17 going on 18) I always had a either a full or part-time job outside of the home; we also managed an apartment building for my father-in-law and I was responsible for all the tenant/landlord duties; I volunteered at my daughters school for a variety of committees; and I taught basic computer skills for adults/seniors AND cooking classes for kids in a twice weekly after-school class. I really took the ‘supermom’ moniker seriously!
If others around me didn’t live up to my perfectionist standards I was disappointed, angry and dismissive. I could not understand why they couldn’t do things “the right way”, which I have come to understand since really means doing thing MY way, rather than whatever gets the job done. I really did get upset, so much so that I would feel anxious and angry if there was chaos or any kind of mess and I really could not relax until it was cleaned up. If my house and surrounding environment were not immaculate (everything in its place) I would freak out and insist that it be cleaned up immediately. I would avoid having people come over because I never felt that my house was ‘up to snuff’ in others eyes as we were always scraping to get by and I was afraid of being judged. I always expected the utmost from myself and did not realize that it was affecting others around me, or indeed how mean I could be with words if things were chaotic and I was stressing out. My daughter’s dad (now my ex) would tell me that he would have helped me with the laundry, dishes etc but he never felt he did it right. I always criticized, and could not understand how folding towels corner to corner, or folding shirts with a crisp fold was so hard to achieve…
With my daughter, I had a great deal of patience for the attachment style of parenting I chose, my daughter slept in our family bed until she was 7 and decided that she wanted her own room and during her younger years I bought all the craft supplies to fill her art desk so she could create her art projects to her hearts content. For her other toys, as we lived in a 400 sq ft apartment and to make things easier for clean-up and not become overwhelmed, I put all of them into about 12 different Rubbermaid bins which were labelled, of course, (even though she couldn’t yet read), it made it easier to find where to put stuff. My rule was that she could only play with one bin at a time and clean up each mess after she was done with that particular subject before bringing out another one. It worked great during the younger years and did teach her to be respectful of her things and a minimal space we all shared and her own personal space. This hit home for me when the pre-school called me one afternoon at work before I went to pick her up and they said “Your daughter did something so amazing today” I said, “Oh, really, what was that?” “She wanted to play with a chair from the eating area, but we were on the carpeted area, so she dragged the chair over to the carpeted play area and when she was finished she dragged it back and returned it to where it was without being asked” I was sincerely confused by this interchange. I said “Yes, because in our house when you use something you return it back to where you got it from so others can find it, respecting your space and others”. They said it was unusual for a 2-1/2 year old to exhibit this behaviour, I said “I guess, but it is taught and learned behaviour”. If we want our kids to be respectful we have to model that. I thought I was doing a good job of that…EXCEPT I came to understand that I really was also critical and demanding without being conscious of how it was coming across or being received.
How could I not realise it? Well, I NEVER once told my daughter what she was doing was wrong, or bad or incorrect, we did not spank etc. What I did do however was just as damaging.
When I became agitated I would often raise my voice and yell or swear. I would verbally correct a mistake, but simply pointing it out, so it doesn’t occur in the future. I now understand that it was not necessarily WHAT I said, but more of how the message was relayed and received. I did not realise it, but what affected my daughter a lot were my facial expressions – she would often say that she was afraid to talk to me because my face looked mad, angry or she was afraid of disappointing me.
What did it take to wake me up?? Well, when my daughter was 10, her father and I split up. We’d been together, (mostly unhappily) for 12-1/2 years and it was a mutual decision to separate. Within a couple of months he was with someone new, and I was starting a new life with shared custody and visitations every two weeks with my daughter. I did a LOT of soul searching.
When my daughter was 12, I re-married and then shortly thereafter (6 months later) I became seriously ill with an advanced degenerative condition of the spine. Apparently, over the previous 20 years my spinal cartilage had been degenerating until it is no longer present in my lower spine resulting in a bone-on-bone condition of my lower vertebrae (S1-L4-5). I just woke up in the middle of the night and could not move my legs. After several years of mostly ineffectual therapies, they finally found one that worked without doing spinal fusion surgery. For the past 3 years I have been going every 4-6 months for spinal nerve blocking which allows me to maintain a semblance of my previous life. With some activities, I have to adjust to work with my condition. My GP and all my specialist including my Rhuematologist tell me that it was likely caused by STRESS, (as there is no primary cause, so this is referred to as secondary cause) they explained that the body deals with internalized, unreleased stress by affecting all parts of the body in negative ways, sometimes resulting in illnesses like mine.
There are many, many things I have learned from my illness and the everlasting effects on my life – and I am not unhappy about learning from them.
When you cannot walk without excruciating pain, or dress yourself, or carry anything more than a few lbs it necessitates changes in your life immediately. Because I could no longer stand for any length of time, clean my own house, or do any of the other things that used to be ‘normal’. I had to LET GO of what I could no longer control, and I had to be ok with what I could manage to do…some days that was just to get out of bed for a short-time. I had to learn to ACCEPT HELP, (that was a tough one) and to be ok with the help others were willing to offer. I could not afford to be picky about the help offered. Being an otherwise proud person, one who was also fiercely independent beforehand, I had to learn a great deal of humility and understanding of others that they would take time out to help me. Perhaps my biggest realisation came when I had to understand that because I had been critical in the past of help, not being happy with how towels were folded, etc that my husband and daughter were afraid to offer to help me, because I might react the same way – I was left to fend for myself unless I asked as they were not going to offer. I had to understand how my NEED to be perfect drove away those people who loved me and wanted to help, but who were afraid of not measuring up to my expectations. I had to LET GO OF MY EXPECTATIONS and just accept with gratitude their help. And really, in the scheme of things, while it might not be how I would choose to do something, it did not give me the right to invalidate another person’s efforts to do their best in how they accomplish the same task. I had to learn to be grateful for any help offered and received, and hold my tongue if it wasn’t my way. More, I had to learn HOW TO APOLOGIZE to those I love for hurting them and to admit I am not perfect and that I too make mistakes. I came to accept that those ‘little things’, (if they are not life threatening they really are small in the scheme of things), do not REALLY matter in the how it gets done, more that it is all getting done, if a little messier than we might do it! So, what!
Because I was off work for so long without any compensation (I had to fight for long-term disability and it took over 1-1/2 yrs) and we were struggling financially to make it in the city, we moved to a rural setting, built a 140sq ft cabin on a trailer frame (with 2 lofts) about an hour out of the city – this was ideal as it was much more manageable for me to deal with. My daughter chose to stay in the city with her dad and her friends she grew up with. We connect on FaceBook, email and phone calls – while it is not ideal, I can accept that this is what works for her right now…and she comes out to visit when she isn’t working or otherwise have something going on with her friends.
Recently, my daughter and I had a text conversation on FB and she got mad at me for correcting her spelling, I apologized (something I would not have done prior to my illness); I am NOT a fan of the current educational system that allows student to guess at spelling or rely on the computer spell check, I prefer how I learned with sounding out phonetically; anyway she reminded me of something happened when she was much younger and how it made her feel about herself.
One of the other things in her bedroom that I loved as an organizational tool, apparently my daughter hated. I had bought a drawer insert that has little diamond spaces for socks or underwear. I bought one for each drawer…I only found out during this interchange how much my daughter hated this thing; not for its nature, but because of me! She recalled a time when she was younger (7-8yrs old) when she was proud of herself for putting her laundry away on her own, but I came in, saw that it was messy and not folded how I expected it to be so I dumped out the drawer and I refolded it all.
Wow! I cannot tell you how how crappy I felt in the present to have her tell me how SHE felt about how I had behaved in that time. I apologized for how I behaved and how it seemed to her – that it was nothing about her, or her ability to put things away on her own, rather it had to do with MY perfectionism. I told her that I have learned the error of my ways (in that regard) and I will be more aware of how/what I say so as to not come across as bossy, controlling, demanding, – because that is NOT what I intend and it not what either of us needs.
When I look back and reflect upon what came before, I now can look back and be a little kinder to myself knowing that we are ALL fallible, none of us are perfect and no amount of trying is going to make us that way. To understand that unlike my parents, I did not use physical abuse, but because I did yell, and was often mean in tone etc it was a form of verbal abuse as I wasn’t always kind…BUT I can still understand that I did the best I knew how to do, and I am working on being a kinder, gentler, more understanding person. I have learned to respect other people’s boundaries (because I have very few) in particular my daughter, when she tells me she is mad at me or upset – I have learned to listen better so we can resolve it amicably instead of trying to get her to ‘be happy’ which really invalidates her feelings of anger…so many lessons and so much still to learn. The important thing is that we continue to try to improve ourselves and recognize out hubris – even if it is late in arriving or caused by a difficult situation as the catalyst, as it was for me. I needed to become sick, in order to realise how and why I needed to slow down and change.
I completely recommend a workshop my husband and I took called “Free the Heart” which was a source of commiseration, release and hope to the path to become a better person.
Michelle Derryberry says
This just touched my heart. I honestly feel that It was meant for me to read your blog. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Stephanie E. says
I wanted to say thank you, this couldn’t have come at a better time. Two nights ago my husband called me on this very thing. I have had issues with hating myself for so long, that it has started to come out at my 13 year old daughter. She is a joy when she is trying to just make me happy. I constantly get on her about not doing her chores or just being lazy (I know teens do this, I remember it well). I have tried the last two days to make a change. I have said it’s not her fault I hate myself, it’s also not her responsibility to do things without being asked. I have apologized to her, and her response was basically she felt it was her fault I got on her all the time. We are working on this, but it will be a long process I know.
I know I may not make sense, but I do want to say thank you, it made me realize I am not alone in this. It also gave me some idea’s.
Diana says
This was really beautiful, wonderful message, we often get caught up with the little things too much that we forget the big picture. Thank you 🙂
Pam says
I share the same reaction as many of your readers. I read your post holding back tears, reliving my years on the receiving end of this behaviour and then reminding myself of how my actions affected my own children. It has been about 2 years since I had that moment of clarity when I realized how my actions affected those around me. It has been 2 years of self discovery. I came to understand a great deal about myself but also understanding my father in the process. I found it ironic that it was often my dad who commented on the fact that I was too hard on my daughter- that I needed to relax. I think he might have experienced a little self discovery of his own through my struggles. I am not perfect- far from it. Sometimes I still need to tell myself to STOP! before the words come out but I am finding it less of a conscious action and becoming a little more of who I am. I have to remind myself (often!) that it is okay for my children to make mistakes- it is okay for me to make mistakes. There was a reason I came across this post tonight and I am thankful for the reminder and support it brought. Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences- it reminds us that we are not alone in this and gives us strength and encouragement to keep trying!
Ginger says
I want to thank you for this. It was like looking in a mirror. Sadly, I didn’t catch this until my daughter was already 12. I am not having to correct, and it is SO difficult for me. She cannot trust me and I have trouble trusting her. She became a cutter and all the hurt that we caused each other is part of that. But it started with me.
Gina says
Ginger – my daughter who is 14 has turned to cutting and in reading this post I have realized that it is because of me. I hope that I am not too late to change the kind of person that I am and make better choices when it comes to how I parent whether it is a compliment I give or degrade her like I have in the past. My heart goes out to you – I know what you are going through. Best of luck and many prayers.
Maggie says
You are brave and inspiring with this post. I thank you from the very depth of me…my daughters are your daughter past and tomorrow will be only love and on and on and on…with much gratitude for sharing.
Joy Borgman says
I hear you .
Chas Hathaway says
I couldn’t fit all I wanted to say in a comment, so I did a full blog post in response. http://blog.chashathaway.com/i-will-never-become-angry-again/
Basically, thank you! Thank you for reminding us that change is both possible and worth the effort!
I think this is one of those messages that will continue to bless the lives of parents and children forever.
Ashley says
I didn’t write this, but I could have…. It hit close to home. Thank you for posting!!
Sheila says
I cried when I read this. My son is an only child who is a wonderful kid and I struggle almost daily. Your words really struck home. My son is a great student, natural athlete and a very nice kid and yet I struggle. Mainly with what I struggle with is something most 11 year old boys do (or don’t do) which is they don’t listen to their mothers. I ask for him to clean his room or do certain chores…days go by and nothing…then I look around and see all the things I asked for him to do (and asked nicely) and I kinda snap and get angry (because I feel defeated and like nobody helps with the housework, etc.–I am now remarried but he does not do much housework) and I snap at him or say things I wish I didn’t, and it has spilled over to my husband also. Then I beat myself up even more over that and feel even worse and get in an even fouler mood and withdraw from everyone. I just need to be more conscious of what is going on before I do it. Your words are so encouraging and I thank you for speaking them!
Mollie says
I just want to say thank you. In your story I see lots of issues I deal with daily within myself. My mother always said to me encouraging words but my inner bully has cut me down so much that I am trying to correct this in me now. I know it will have an effect on my children as well. I can’t wait to read the whole book. Thank you for your courage and humbleness.
Rachel says
Thank you so much for this post. As much as it hurts to admit, I totally do this to my kids. My husband and I were married 2 years ago and he has 3 children from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away a few years ago when the youngest was just a few weeks old. It has been a huge struggle to adjust and blend a family. The kids are 10, 7, and 4, and my husband and I have a baby boy together who is 6 months old. I have the hardest time with the oldest, who is quite disrespectful, defiant, and angry, and I am constantly correcting him and trying to change some bad habits he has developed. We but heads most of the time, but I think I need to relax and not expect perfection and allow them all, not just the oldest, to be kids. I know that I bully myself and have a lot of negative self-talk as well as guilt for not being as good as their biological mom, not loving them as well, and feeling like I’m failing as their stepmom. A lot of these feelings and behavior towards the kids has really hurt mine and my husband’s relationship. We argue quite a bit as he doesn’t know why I can’t see the good in them and that they are trying. As I read your post, I realized that I am unconsciously taking out a lot of these feelings on the kids. I grew up with parents who expected a lot out of me and I am very much a perfectionist. I have fallen into the trap of wanting everything to be perfect and under my control and when it even hints at being out of control or “imperfect”, I turn into a different person. I see it happening and it frustrates me and then I get angry with myself and the cycle continues. I really want to show more love and patience and help these kids blossom rather than fear me and feel like they can’t be themselves. It’s going to be a long process, but I’m praying that I can do it. I love the “Stop. Only love today.” I just hope I can do this. Thanks for your honesty—you have blessed my life today.
WhispersFromMyHeart (@MyHeartWhispers) says
So very true!
This was beautiful!
CSA & self-bullying seem to go hand in hand. I’ve done it for years. I catch myself, even after healing, talking so horribly to myself.
Thank you for such a brilliant and loving look at loving ourselves and loving those around us. Our issues do flow out of our hearts onto those around us!
sandy says
I really look forward to purchasing your book and reading it!!! Just from reading your story I can already imagine how great its going to be!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You are so kind. Thank you for saying that, Sandy!
lew says
i am a weeping mess after reading your post, I plan to read it again over and over again for at least a couple of days. thank you for writing your reality, it means so very much to know that a parent is feeling the same things i feel
Jennifer says
Thank you….
Your words really touched me. I often find myself bullying myself. Since my sons birth I have found that I love myself more than ever. But I wanted to thank you for the added reminder, as I hope to never show this negativity to my son. I loved your post so much that I had to share it with others. I linked back to you, I’m hoping this is ok? After finding this post I am certain to become a follower!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Yes, thank you for sharing the message!
Ryn says
I am not a mother but this article so resonated with me-my career has taken over my life. I come home and that inner bully dictates how I react to my fiancé, my own mother and countless friends. I’ve been told my personality has altered in the past few years . It breaks my heart to know I allowed this to happen. Thankful for a reminder to change.
Amy says
Wow, you are such an inspiration to mothers everywhere. I’m a step parent, so my situation is slightly different, but had to sit back and watch as their Mom went through a similar transformation. She still has a lot of growing, but watching her change and seeing the positive impact on our kids has been amazing.
Amy says
I have to tell you, this blog post is an absolute God send. I have been struggling with this exact thing. Reading this felt like it was coming straight from me..about me. I honestly thought I was the only one and had no clue how to just stop. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This was the slap in the face that I so desperately needed. I had a conversation with my oldest (7 yrs) after I read this and it was wonderful..like a weight lifted for both of us. Thanks for this. And thanks to God for his always perfect timing.
Melanie Oliver says
I wish I had read this 22 months ago. I wish I had read this 5 maybe even 10 years ago. 22 months ago, my son committed suicide. As I reflect on the guilt and regret that is inevitably part of the grieving process, this “bullying” was exactly my attitude toward him. He was almost never (in my eyes) allowed to just be a KID! He was always messing up, never responsible and yet, it never occurred to me that was what he was SUPPOSED to do! As a mom, you are to enlighten, encourage and admire your child for who he is. I wish I still had the chance to right all the wrongs…..
-A sad, grieving yet reformed “bully”
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Melanie, I am so sorry for your loss. I deeply appreciate your willingness to share your story and offer others what you know now that you wish you knew then. Your words are life changing to anyone blessed to read them.
Bree says
I just read your blog and it was like reading about myself and my oldest son. I did many of those same things today. “What did you do” is one of my specialties. I desperately want to change but have been going on this way, I fear it is too late.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
It is not too late, Bree. I hear from teens and college students every day who say they just want their parents to know them and love them — even if they didn’t in the past — these young people have told me they would do anything for their parents to just try to mend things. I hope you will try. Visit anytime you need for encouragement.
Kimberly says
Great story!
Tara says
I am always so thankful for your posts to pop in my inbox! Even though I am comment #491, I am wondering if you have any suggestions for me. My husband and I are BOTH guilty of how we parent our girls, but unfortunately, I am the only one who sees it that way. We took a “Love & Logic” class about a year ago, and although it did help us with some problem behaviors in our 2.5 year old at the time, it created a real consequence driven versus grace driven atmosphere for my 7 year old. She is now almost 8 and is always apologizing and worried that she’s done something wrong or fearful she’s interrupting me “Mommy, I know you’re busy but…..” comes out of her mouth at least 5 times a day. 🙁 Both my girls have anxiety driven behaviors that break my heart because I don’t know how to change the atmosphere of our home to help them. Reading your posts has definitely help encourage me that it can be done, but it’s hard when the status quo isn’t being changed across the board. You don’t mention your husband a lot, did he struggle with this distracted, critical life too? Or was it your conscience effort and changes that began to create a new reality for your home and he followed suit? I hate to see the look of disappointment and rejection my girls get when they interact with my husband. I am sure they get it from me too, but I am really trying to make it happen less. After one of the most recent incidents, I found myself trying to pick up the pieces and soothing my oldest and her sobs of “he doesn’t care.” I tried to explain that no one is perfect to which she responded in tears “yes you are!” It again broke my heart to think she loves us unconditionally yet gets hurt by those she loves. I’m just wondering how to make these changes with a spouse who doesn’t see the affects of our actions and the need for change. I don’t want to disrespect him and his parenting, but feel I have to follow him around to pick up the pieces and apologize to my girls for his behavior. I would love to learn from your experience while I wait for your book! 🙂
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thanks, Tara. I appreciate your question and thoughtful comment. My husband is mentioned a lot more in the book — he played a significant role in my transformation. Writing a book is much different than a blog post & I was able to delve into new areas and go deeper in the book than I do on the blog. Anyway, that being said, I would strongly recommend calmly (not accusingly) talking to your husband about what you are witnessing. I honestly think a lot of people are not aware of how their behavior is hurting another person. I think awareness is the key in changing. I think being open about your own struggles and what you are trying to work on will go a long way in that discussion. My husband brought some concerns up to me many times before I started my journey. It took time for me to admit he was right, but I believe he helped plant the seed in my mind that I was not living the way I wanted to live. Over time, I began to change for the better and I offered him ways of strengthening his relationship with the children. I was always kind and respectful in my approach. We are now a team–2 people who help each other and support each others efforts on this challenging journey. I wish you all the best!
Amber says
Thank you. Really
Blessed_with5 says
This was a wonderful read, and one I can relate to, as this has been an ongoing struggle of mine for several years with my 13-year-old daughter. I just have to say that the only reason I (or any of us, for that matter) have hope, despite our shortcomings, is because of God. He never gives up on us. We can go to great lengths to work on quick fixes, self-control and self-help. We can even “act” right, and it may even work for our favor for a little while. But, true freedom and transformation of the heart can only be found in Jesus.
Someone simply needed to say this…
Dee says
I understand that you feel the way you do and I respect your views, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
However, The initial post has nothing whatsoever to do with religion.
I personally actually find it quite disturbing that those who are religious feel the need to preach to those of us whom are not. In fact, it’s weird that people generally feel that its ok to make such sweeping and condescending assertions that somehow only those who believe in a god are good and need to be saved.
Believe it or not, even us agnostics are good people and we do not appreciate unsolicited preaching. But, because you went ahead, I’ll give you the flip side and an opposite viewpoint.
I happen to believe that the majority of parents do the very best they can with the skills they have and when they recognise they have erred, they get help, learn from their mistakes and move forward.
I prefer to accept responsibility for my OWN mistakes and do not rely on some nebulous being that may or may not exist to fall back on when things go awry. It seems to me that one cannot be truly present in this life with those we love in the here and now if we are so busy chasing an idea of something that may not exist awaiting an afterlife in some mythical paradise as a reward. That does not make any sense to any sort of rational thought. But again, as you’ve left your opinion, I’ve given you mine.
Kryssi says
gasp*….. :’o You completely, word for word, describe my life. I don’t know how I grew into this person over the last 5 years, perhaps the unexpected pain any 27yr old women should never experience. I thought I’ve done some healing but maybe when I’ve just gotten to the root of it, I was off to something else, for there is clearly a monster deep inside me. Thank you for sharing. I wish I didn’t have to wait so long to get your book, but I’m going to start today with, “Stop! Only love today.” I pray it helps as I have often seen me in the mirror but without know how to change, I simply wasn’t.
Thank you for sharing and encouraging… blessings to you and for fam bam!
Kryssi
Tracy says
I am not a mom… yet…. but I found this post on the Facebook page of one of my mom friends and right after I post this comment, I’m going back over there to thank her. But first, I have to thank you.
You see, I *was* your daughter growing up. Unfortunately for me, no one ever had a self-realization of the negative impact their hyper critical nature had on me. I turned into a severely obese adult who does not love herself, is not kind to herself, and lets her inner bully beat her up every day of her life. I’ve been battling infertility and severe depression for the last ten years… and I know it all goes back to negative things I learned when I was a child.
I’ve been angry for a long, long time. But, this post was an “AHA” moment for me. I have two bullies to forgive and I am forgiving them and no longer living in fear of them, from this moment forward. First, I’m going to forgive my own inner bully. She’s a product of her environment and doesn’t know any better…. until now. I’m going to teach her to be more loving, less critical, and more understanding of the fact that no one is perfect and that is okay. We’re going to make peace, my bully and I. Maybe we’ll even be friends someday and instead of beating me down every day, my bully can morph into my greatest motivator, who cheers me on to contentment with doing my best.
The other bully I need to forgive lives inside of HER. The person who shaped me into the shell of a human I am now, with all her critical looks, words and actions. And I am going to freely forgive her bully because I have a feeling she was put there by a bully before her, and maybe by a bully before her… it’s a vicious cycle in my family, this inner bully stuff. And it needs to stop… with me.
I want to thank you for writing this… for opening my eyes and giving me a chance to change before I hopefully, someday, become a parent. You’ve saved me the heartache I would feel when I one day realized I killed my child’s spirit. And I will be forever grateful to you. God bless you and your beautiful daughter…
Tracy
teth says
thank you for this article… an eye opener to me, I am also like that to my eldest, my God!
Karen says
Cried my eyes out – I am so, so happy that you and your daughter are in a better space now. I just feel a bit heartbroken that there must be so many other A-type mums in the world who will never transform their attitudes the way you did. Their poor little babies. I am definitely going to try and be more like you with my one! x
Karen says
Just subscribed! Love this whole blog!
chandra says
Being in the same situation as u were. I am really touched with the modification u gone in to. I hope i have all that strength to change the situation as done by u.
Victoria says
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Too many tears to say more. Only love today.
Don says
Rachel, you are a failure as a parent and should be ashamed of yourself. It takes a really big person to take their anger and frustration with the world out on an innocent child. The fact that you wrote about it doesn’t change or excuse anything; all it does is garner you attention and sympathy, as well as earn a profit. Its great that, several years into it, you finally realized your character flaw, that YOU are the one with the problem, not your innocent little girl. However, that does not make up for or negate the years of tyranny and abuse that you inflicted on that little girl. The damage is done. Also, the very fact that you wrote a book, put up a website, and started a blog only shows that you’re an attention-seeking drama queen. You couldn’t simply try to fix the behavior (if indeed this is even a true story at all); you have to flaunt it to the world. This shows that you are still the same self-centered monster that you were before. And what about when someone recognizes you as the author of this book and deduces that your daughter was the subject of this abuse? You will have taken some very private, personal, sensitive emotional issues which are nobody’s business and thrown them out in the open for the whole world to see. I reiterate: you are a pathetic, selfish human being who would rather take your anger out on a child than on whichever adults (you) are responsible for causing it. And exactly what are your credentials? What qualifies you to give other people advice (and charge them for it) when you yourself are a flawed and abusive parent?
Sophie says
Don, I’ll leave most of your comment to slip into the void — as we all know where it belongs. But I feel compelled to address one point that many people are unaware of: As an editor who works in book publishing, I can tell you that for an individual, publishing a book is RARELY a large money-making proposition. It’s very difficult to break into a publishing house, and even then, royalties are very slim…. With self publishing, you’re out a lot of money up front with no guaranteed returns. I work with authors who sincerely just want to share their expertise in the hope that if would help someone else. Of course, they’d like their expenses covered, and a published work is often supportive of their “work on the ground,” so most of the “marketing” that occurs is for precisely for those reasons. I have not read Rachel’s book, but I would guess that her concern in publishing it is primarily to share some hard-earned wisdom that might help someone else.
Tasha says
Thank you for posting this. I really needed this 🙂
Jessica Fuller says
Crying at the mirror you have just held up for me. Thank you for this.
Kim White says
Rachel….I don’t know where to start to thank you for taking the time out of your obviously busy life (aren’t all of our lives busy these days) to share your words of wisdom and guidance. Being a “Mom” is not the easy job some think it is (usually those without kids of their own & the occasional non-participating dad), when in fact it’s one of the hardest, time consuming jobs there is. After reading this I took a good long look at myself and how I used to be when my kids were little, and I was working a full time job. I too was that “bully” at home. And am ashamed to the depths of my soul. I have been fortunate enough to be given a second chance with my grandbabies. I should have 3 but we lost my son’s daughter in Jan. of this year, but just a month later we were blessed with another new addition to the family. And now I’m retired and in the position to be lucky enough to get to spend my days taking care of my newest granddaughter and an adorable 2yr old who is the son of a dear family friend. My oldest grandson is in school, but he’s all mine on school breaks and during the summer. Your article/blog has opened my eyes WIDE !! I know without doubt that this second chance is completely different than when I was raising my own. I have more time, experience and patience, which has made a HUGE difference, but as with every mother out there, there are “those” days when even I struggle. And I needed to be reminded of what really IS important……THANK YOU !!! and please,please,please continue to do what you’re doing so well. Only God knows just how many lives you can and will be changing by continuing what you’re doing here. God Bless you and your very lucky family !!!
LegoMama says
I needed to read this.
Lately I’ve found myself feeling at a loss, knowing in my heart that I was too overbearing on my oldest son. I even thought I knew why. I thought that I was trying to stamp out the negative behaviors that he’d inherited from his biological father. Not letting myself think on the fact that the problem was his father is an adult who acted like a child, and this was a child I was expecting to be an adult.
I knew that I was my own bully, and I’d been trying to correct that for years now. Yet I never saw the correlation between being my bully and being my sons. Never realized I couldn’t fix one if I neglected the other as well.
He has started fighting back, a quiet rebellion, never really being outwardly defiant but constantly pushing in every way he can. While his sister has the reaction of breaking down into tears if something isn’t perfect.
It stops now, I won’t do this to my children anymore. Only Love Today.
cindy crosby says
Makes me rethink my own journey of being a PEOPLEPLEASER.
SelinsgroveMama says
Wow! Very timely I find this link today on fb JUST after I told my husband last nite “I want to get off fb! I think I want to hire a social media assistant, I spend way too much time on facebook!”. I just pre-ordered your CD and can’t wait to listen to it!
Tonya Jackson says
This was truely inspiring. I now have hope. Thank you for sharing and I will take your story with me through the days and years of raising my 3 children and 1 on the way. This was truely uplifting.
Thank you
Tonya
sad mama ready to try again says
I really needed to read this today. This morning I caught myself yelling at my beautiful seven year old because her shoes had sand in them. I keep saying I’m fed up with her but honestly it’s myself that I’m so disappointed with. Why am I so critical? Where did this horrible OCD come from that has control over me? I am so sad that I have become such an angry monster. I don’t want my baby to be afraid of her own mama. I fear where this path leads us if I don’t stop my wicked ways. I don’t beat my child. But my harsh words can be punishing enough. I pray daily that the the Lord an help me correct my mouth. I want to change. I want to be happy again. I know it’s something within me that needs fixing. Its a working progress but it just seams so hard. I feel like I don’t have control over that side of me and I want it back. God gives me strength to push through aall this but how do I get over beating myself up for being so mean to my only child. My sunshine. My love of my life??? Why do these crazy words form in my head if I don’t want them to? I constantly catch myself asking my daughter for forgiveness because of something rude I said…. I’m worried that eventually she won’t believe me. I love my daughter more than life itself and I want to do good for her. I want to be a better mom and I better example for her.
I can’t wait to read your book.
Kelly B says
wow, what powerful words for me to read this very morning! I ran across this blog post on Facebook. This describes my life to a T.. sitting here with tears in my eyes knowing that it does. Very powerful and moving indeed.
Amber Smith says
You have described my life. My daughter feels my wrath everyday but I just don’t know how else to get through my hectic days. Unfortunately my marriage is also falling apart because of my stress. I am looking forward to reading your book hoping that it can bring some peace in my world. I know I need to change I just don’t know how.
GC says
Only Love Today. Writing that on a piece of paper and posting it in the main hallway of the house as a reminder! Thanks for your honesty & I appreciate that you apologized to your daughter-first step in the right direction.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, GC. I have written reminders still up from 3 years ago when I started my journey to live more and love more. They are like “stop” signs to wake me up and focus on what is truly important!
Patti says
I just had a moment like this….I am a bully. I yell, scream and often scare my kids and myself. I hate the person I have become and I need to change. My husband works alot so it is often just me and kids kids (9 & 7) and I work (at home and out side of home) I know my kids are not perfect and I don’t want them to be, I just wan them to be happy. Why did I scream over spilled cereal today, I have no idea. It was an accident and no one was physically hurt but emotions were exposed, tears went flying and so did my anger…..but I don’t know why. I read your post less than 10 mins after the ‘incident’ and I started to cry, and I cried even more as I watched my 9 yr old eat what was left of her breakfast in fear of me. Am I a monster? How did I become like this? We talked (not for long cause the bus was coming) and I hope we are ok. But I feel like we are not. What really sucks is that I won’t see her until after 8pm and it’s not even 8 am yet. I have along day a head, and I hope/pray that she has a good day at school. I hear that kids can shake things off and move on, but I now wonder what damage I have caused and how can we overcome it. I will be a better mom, I need to be a better mom and HAVE to be a better mom. No yells, just love. No tears but lots of hugs. No fear, just happiness. Please wish me luck and thanks for helping me realize what I have become.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am behind you all the way, Patti. There is hope, my friend. I just reached out to an author I know who specializes in this area. She wrote this very helpful post for my readers who want to change:
http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-button-pushing/20131212/steps-to-being-less-harsh-on-our-kids
Dominique says
Whew – so refreshing to read first thing this morning. Cheers for you and your daughter, really. I love this because it feels so very close to home. Often, I have felt at the complete mercy of my rocky hormonal cycles and once the criticism of my daughter begins, it soon snowballs to utter destruction of her self-esteem. Lately I’ve backed off. Maybe menopause is beginning to even out? Maybe I’m getting enough sleep? Maybe it’s intentional? Or a bit of all of the above and more… but in just a month, the relationship has changed dramatically with my teen, and she has blossomed. I marvel at how resilient she is. Yet, in spite of her inner strength, it is still my absolute responsibility to take the criticism out of our daily dialog and love her with praise, words and deeds. Amazing, it is through this new paradigm that I have accidentally lightened up on myself. Wow.
Michelle says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I see myself in every word you wrote. I am a constant perfectionist (how I was raised) and I see myself placing this same “burden” on my 9-year old daughter. I also reason that something will fall through the cracks if I don’t stay on top of everything. I like you “stop” technique and I will be using that from now on. I am determined to make it work because I don’t want my daughter to grow up with the constant anxiety that I did. Thanks again and I will be following your blog from here on out.
Christine says
As many others have said, thank you for your post. This affected me differently than most, I suppose. I don’t have any children. But I really want to get my husband to read this and ask him to put himself in your shoes as the mother, and me as the daughter. What you had been doing to yourself and to your daughter is what my husband does to himself and me. It struck way too close to home to hear your response to your daughter crying in the basement. “What did you do?” is what I hear when I stub my toe or lose my balance and jam my self on a door knob or wall. He’s never abused me physically, but he can really be a bully. He’s hyper-critical of himself and he’s always had a low self-esteem. At times I feel like I’m raising him instead of partnering with him. He throws tantrums that would be frustrating from a five year old, much less a grown man.
He hates that he hurts me with criticism or overreacting to something, but it won’t change unless he eases up on himself. I’m not a victim – I see it for what it is, but I can’t help him. I simply make it clear I don’t accept that behavior and he will not be rewarded for it. (see, I’m a mom…) I know he loves me the way he knows how to love himself – riddled with criticism. I wish I could help him, but this is something he needs to acknowledge on his own and work on with a counselor. This is only one area of our relationship and all the good in our relationship deserves the effort. That’s our particular case.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that the truth of your post applies to any relationships that are long-term and are supposed to be bathed in love. Well written article – thank you, again.
Jennifer says
Thank you for your honesty and for going public with this. I struggle with the same beast inside me. I thought I was the only one. I’m so hard on my daughter for the same things you described here. I know it’s not right, I just don’t know how to stop even though I desperately want to. I’ve been this way for so long, I don’t even know where to start. I think to myself, it’s too late, I’ve already ruined her. But, you’ve given me hope that it can be done.
Leslie says
Thank you so much for sharing this. Our family is in a particularly stressful period right now, and I find myself barking at my kids more than usual. I always feel guilty afterward, but your blog was a reminder and wake-up call to me to keep things in perspective, even during the difficult times, and enjoy those kids because all too soon they will grow up and leave our nest. I want to make sure it is a cozy nest that they actually want to come back to.
Becky says
This is retarded. If u think ur going to sell ur book or whatever it is then ur objective should not to make a bunch of mothers feels like shit about there way of disciplining there children. Mothers carry enough burden then to have to muster more energy to hear what sort of backwards bullshit you felt the need to express…sorry charlie loserville doesnt really exist so for rejects who cant coexist with others in a habitual harmonious way simply is just very unfortunate for those types. Lets not try and make everyone to think like them of course miss reject advocate can dream on.
Kathleen says
thank you, very empowering, & accual, simple steps to chang my line of thinking…THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!
Corinne P says
Thank you so much for posting this. I plan to read your book and look forward to bettering myself to ensure I am not a bully to my own son. This article made me cry and realize that I too, can be too perfect and expect my child to be the same. You are a true hero in my world. Again, thank you for allowing the rest of us to realize that it is alright to have imperfections in ourselves and allow our children to just be children.
Tricia Waltman says
This was very inspiring to me….I have a daughter who is now 18yrs. old and I acted exactly as you described with her and because of that she became very shy……..not as shy now but still a bit. Now God has given us another daughter Allison who is 5yrs. old and I see me behaving the same way…..I too have an inner bully that says nothing I do is right, I am fat and ugly and just wanting Allie to do everything perfect…..I tell her “we will color after I finish dishes, then an hour later….we will color after I do laundry,…..then an hour later…we will color after I sweep the floors,…etc. etc.” then we never color and I have missed out on that time with her. I will be taking what you have said to heart and using the STOP method and also I will promise God to love me more so I can learn I am important and that I feel will help me do what is important, like time with my kids…..God lent them to me for only a short time….we mothers blink and our kids are grown and gone, Autumn is going away to college in the fall…..so we need to value that time and today starts that journey as the new mom for me. Thank you from my heart and God Bless!
Tim says
Thank you.
Pam says
this came on my “newsfeed” and almost didn’t click to read as am just getting going this a.m. am a senior citizen and was mesmorized (excuse sp!)…alot of food for thought here for me…believe it explains alot about myself and my daughter…..i find it extraordinary that someone else wrote this about us…that is up to where you “saw the light” of what was happening…..having just now read it too soon to comment more but i know where my head is going to be at for quite some time and then on to looking for “applications”….God bless
Den says
It took me awhile to read this. I had to stop and cry along the way. It’s as if I wrote this myself. I use stop and no a lot. My Daughter sent this to me. How can I make it better for her now? She is a parent and her Daughter and her are butting heads. My Granddaughter mean sometimes to everyone. We don’t know what to do. She was mad at her mom the other day and threw something at her. Mom went after her and told her that was not ok. My daughter said she saw in her daughter s face when it hit her the look on her face said she didn’t mean to hit her. My granddaughter took a bath and I went in to bathe her. When I got on the floor next to the tub, I just started to cry uncontrollable . I was feeling the pain and hurt in my daughters heart. I asked my granddaughter , why was she so mean to her mother. Her response was I don’t know. I told her that her mother loved her very much and that she hurt her mom. We finished her bath and I went home.
The next time I saw her she made it a point to tell me she was nice to her mom today. She is 4. I love them both more then I have ever loved anyone. How can I make it better for all of us.thanks for writing this and you book. I am buying it when it comes out.
You are wise beyond your years.
Andrea says
Wow. This couldn’t have come at a better time. I read this the morning after yet another argument with my husband about how I treat my first born. (why is it always the first??) I have a beast inside of me. An angry, angry beast and it unloads on my sweet 7 year old daughter. I’m constantly stressed about money, my marriage, finding a job….etc. etc. and it all comes out on her. She’s not a bad girl, but everything she does bothers me. She falls over ALL THE TIME, she’s too loud, too messy, her manners aren’t good…..I just want her to be perfect. All. The. Time. (& to be fair, she really is most of the time!) Is saying ‘STOP’ enough? I don’t know. I don’t seem to have that moment before I explode where I can make the choice to stop. I just explode. Without thinking. I don’t hit her or anything, but it’s my constant disappointment and nagging….I’m on her case every minute of the day. It’s exhausting….for both of us. But I can’t seem to stop. I go to bed every night feeling utterly despondent. I begin each day trying to do things differently….but by supper time, I’m an ogre again. How do I stop this vicious cycle that I can’t seem to crawl out from?? I’m affectionate with her everyday…..I hug her & tell her I love her numerous times…..but….then…..I’m that unhappy, mean mommy again. Like jekyll & hide. I know I’m damaging her….and can’t bear the thought that because of me she may have low self esteem & all the problems that stem from that. I’m so glad to read here that I’m not alone…..but I need help. Fast.
DRo says
This hits very close to home for me too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I think that eldest daughters tend to be very mature compared to their peers. It’s easy to forget just how young they really are, and incorrectly treat them as thick-skinned adults. I have to remind myself that my daughter is going to occasionally make the same mistakes that any five year old will make.
Anna S. says
Thanks for sharing this. I can definitely relate, and I always say I’m doing it for her on good and lately I realized that I’m driving my 11yr old away. I look forward to reading your book to see how it can help me not only be a better parent but maybe help me get closer with my daughter. Maybe it will also help me avoid mistakes with my 4 yr old son that I made with my daughter. Thanks again, and have a wonderful day!
Tanya G says
A friend of mine shared your story with me. As I read it today, I can clearly see me and my husband in all your bullying actions. This is us! You have described us to a T! I used to think it was just him and is lack of understanding about how kids act and behave but now after reading your story, I am as guilt has he is. Thank you for bringing this to my attention! I am in tears about how I act and treat my kids sometimes being so hard on them an expecting perfection. I am only an example to them and cannot continue to show them my behavior. I will only love today and tomorrow and…..
Erin says
Thanks so much for this post. I grew up in a similar situation, only my mother never did, and still doesnt realize the problem. Im thankfuly you wrote this. im a mother to a beautiful 2 year old little girl, and i dont want to hinder her spirit in anyway, but i find my mother coming out sometimes. thank you for reminding me that i dont have to have perfection. she’s perfect the way she is…and so am i. time to ease up on ourselves as mothers and wives. 🙂
Gil Gonzalez says
This post is excellent. It perfectly captures the lesson every parent should learn: love is the most important thing we can give our children. Thank you so much for sharing this.
shannon flanigan says
Thankyou so much for sharing that… i cant imagine how hard it is to do that…. your story has given me a new perspective on my relationship i have with my 9 year old!
Kelly says
I read this. I cried. I read it to my husband. He cried. Then we cried together. WE do this. OMG…. my poor eldest son and what this blog just made me realize that we do to him everyday. We have 3 children and I seem to always make excuses for his siblings. His sister (only 2) is the baby and “she doesn’t understand things yet” His brother is 5 and the “middle child” and I am always worried about middle child syndrome and try to focus on his needs so he never feels left out….. and then our son, the oldest is 8…. who is not allowed to make mistakes “because he’s the oldest” — he has to clean the room he shares with his brother because “his brother just can’t clean a room properly at age 5 and you can at 8”
OMG………….what am I doing to my child!!! He’s my miracle baby… he weighed just 2 pounds at birth. Born 3 months early and struggled to just be here. I feel like the worst person alive. I can barely see my screen as I type this and admit to myself all the things I put on this poor child’s plate to handle everyday.
Things are changing. The minute he walks in the door today and everyday when I “expect more from him because he’s the oldest” I will STOP and remember that he is only 8. I will remember that while he IS the oldest, he is still a child. I will pay attention to the hurt in his eyes when only he gets in trouble for something both he and his brother do together. I will pay attention to the times I cut him off when he’s trying to explain himself and ends up walking away a little more broken because my text message that NEEDED to be sent right away, was more important then what he was trying to tell me.
I will STOP and give him a few extra hugs today. Just for him. Just because I love him more then live it’self. I can’t wait to get this book and read it. Thanks already for making me WAKE UP just a little.
Natalie says
I appreciate that you realized the error of your ways and are working on changing that. I am the daughter of a mother who was very similar. I could never do anything right and any normal mistake I made was blown out of proportion and made me feel awful about myself. My mother was too concerned with her life looking perfect. She was emotionally abusive. Your behavior towards your daughter indicates this emotional abuse. Even as you seem to have grown past this, please be aware that even though your daughter seems healthier now the past will not disappear that quickly. As she gets older she may realize more and more that the way she was treated was unacceptable. Please do not belittle these feelings. Allow her to go through what she needs to and if you are able to lovingly accept that, maybe you will be able to heal the scars of the past. I am 26 and though I am independent, have a happy and healthy marriage, and am generally doing very well, I still have ongoing problems because of how I was treated as a child. I have extremely low self esteem and I struggle with depression and anxiety. If you read through and child development textbook, you can see that these struggles are probably directly related to my treatment as a child. It is very hard to undo damage that is done to a developing mind and developing sense of self.
I sincerely hope that you changed early enough that you daughter will not share in my experiences. I admire you for putting effort into becoming a better mother. I hope you continue on this path and show your daughter true and unconditional love even when she is not perfect.
To be clear to other comenters who have said that they share in your unacceptable behavior currently: Your treatment of your child[ren] can be classified as emotional ABUSE. Look it up if you don’t believe me. This can have numerous negative effects on all aspects of your child’s life that will be life-long struggles. You need to change now. You are no better than someone who is physically abusing their child, only the bruises are not visible. CHANGE!
Liz says
Natalie, thank you for your comment. I also 30 years later am still trying to get out of the role I was in. Parents please provide for and invest in therapy and life coaching for your children. <3
Noah Welte says
Rachel,
I linked to your article yesterday in my blog post (it is listed above as The Scoop: Overcoming Yourself) and have shared it with many people. While I do not have children, I have had a tendency to get bogged down in my work and agendas to the point where others have seemed like an inconvenience to me at times because they are getting in my way.
Your story will always serve as a helpful reminder to take a deep breath and let joy in to replace the frustration.
I look forward to checking out your book when it becomes available. Thanks for the reminder! I will continue to check out your blog and would ask you do the same of ours (on Twitter @short_hopt).
Have a blessed Thursday!
Noah
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I very much appreciate the support & the sharing! I really look forward to checking out your site. Thanks for pointing me there.
A. says
Oh my God. This post resonated with me very deeply. I was, and still am, that eldest daughter– except my mother never learned to tell herself to stop. I’ve been going to therapy for some time to deal with my issues. This is me. I wish with all my heart my mom had realized this earlier. It’s seriously damaged me in ways I’m just starting to discover.
Thank you for sharing this. I think this gives me some perspective on why this kind of thing happens. More than anything, I don’t want to do to my children (when I have them) what my mother did to me. Thank you for showing me how.
Natalie Gallegos says
Just tonight Sean’s father told me that I have to let him know things like when Sean has paint in his hair. No biggie, he’s a toddler, right?! Wrong. Because Sean had a tiny bit of green paint in his hair, he said Sean was not presentable to his family and that he would have to cut it out. Obviously, I quickly explained that it is water based and will wash out almost immediately. Matt said this to me on the phone while driving with Sean in the back seat. Please read this article. ONLY LOVE TODAY.
[email protected] says
As I struggle with being so hard on myself at times and I do see I am hard on my daughter I did want change…. this opened my eyes a lot today. God bless you for being so transparent and helping me today to open my eyes to what I needed to see! My teen is now 14 and she is just like me… its time for less perfectionism that plagues us and more love!
nicole says
this is me. i have been working on this but it’s still hard. very hard. our days are much more peaceful and joyful when i am kind and i need to work so hard. something so simple shouldn’t be so hard.
Hillary Nestrick says
Thank you so much for this….I really needed it.
Amy Hope says
I could relate to this, wow! It made me cry & think about how I’m doing with my oldest son & me. There are words I say to myself & ways I interact with my son that need changing . Like many who have responded I felt like I was teaching my son responsibly, but now I think not. I’m hoping this will be a start to some positive changes from here on out. Thanks for your heart!
andrea says
OUCH… Thank you for sharing this. It was definitely something I needed to hear/read… I had actually been thinking a lot lately how big of a bully I have become.. and that makes me really sad… so I will be looking into getting a copy of your book (when funds allow) and strive for “Only love today” each day… been beating myself up mentally for years and that is not going to be an easy thing to overcome…but I need to heal myself (with God’s help) so I can stop this bully cycle that I seem to have gotten into
brokenheartedmomma says
I’m so brokenhearted after reading this. I was terribly bullied as a young child by other children, and have feared that same fate for my children. My daughter is in first grade and we’ve been lucky so far to not have her come home upset from being bullied at school. I’ve been so thankful for that. However after reading this I realize she lives with a bully, and it breaks my heart to say it’s me. The description you gave of yourself is EXACTLY the relationship I have with my daughter and myself now. My oldest daughter is marvelous. She is just perfect, and I tell her that all the time. But how is she to believe me when I am so quick to assume she hurt her sister, when I am sure to tell her how to do things the “right” way. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you to share this story, to admit your wrong, but I am so so so so thankful that you did. You have just changed me, my oldest daughter, and my family’s lives. I am so thankful. May God Bless You & Keep You
Jenna says
Thank you so much for speaking the harsh truth that I as well have been unable to admit. I am also a bullying mum.
I would like to blame it on the way I was raised…”strictly” my Mum would say. But there’s a difference between a routine lifestyle, and abusing your child for not having a routine lifestyle.
I’m 26 with two children and a loving husband. My house is (almost) never messy, and even my dog is well mannered, well groomed, and clean. My cookie jar is always full, my fridge and pantry are never empty, and my laundry is (almost) never behind. Yet somehow, I still don’t fit HER bill of “perfection.”
I have recently noticed (even more so after reading your blog post), that I have actually turned into my Mum. I thought that when I grew up and had kids of my own, they would never endure the name calling, the belittling, the looks of disapproval, the day to day emotional turmoil and frustration from striving to be perfect, that I went through growing up.
I’m told that it’s a good thing that I raise them with manners, that its a good thing that they never make messes (even at other childrens’ homes), its a good thing that they are so quiet and “content” when we go to the store (even when passing the toy section)….I’m a “good mum” for raising such obedient, polite, and quiet children.
I’ve recently stepped back and realized that they are constantly crying when they are home, behind closed doors and covered windows. It’s not that annoying tantrum of “I was just told that I can’t have ice cream for breakfast” crying. Its usually silent, or very quiet, and usually hidden from my view or earshot. I am always too busy making sure my house is in order, my yard is in order, my office is in order, and my childrens’ lives are in order to notice the pain I’m causing them.
I knit-pick everything and anything my kids do. I tell myself, “he will learn that this is how you put away your clean clothes,” “she will learn that this is how the books go on the shelf,” or “multiple chores are good for them, they need responsibility…structure….discipline.”
Yesterday, my daughter was crying again, this time she had been trying to make her bed (a task that I usually leave for myself, as she is still a bit young for that chore)…she wanted to surprise me, but she was making it her own way, and it wasn’t ending up looking the way I usually made it. She was crying because she was frustrated (a realization that came to me too late), I was busy trying to wrap Christmas gifts in the craft room downstairs, and I was annoyed that it was so early, and she was upset already. I marched up the stairs and straight to her room. She was scurrying to put her bedding from the floor (a big no-no), back onto her bed. Instead of assessing the situation and praising her for trying to be a big girl, making her bed by herself; I scolded her for making a mess with her bedding on the floor, and sentenced her to sweeping the floors in her room and hallway while I “fixed the mess she had made.” I didn’t come to the realization that that was what she was trying to do, until after I began to take her bed apart, and saw how she had tried to fold and tuck her sheets under the mattress the way I do….I felt like an a-hole inside, but like you, it’s difficult for my perfectionist self to admit when I’m wrong….I didn’t apologize…I didn’t have a sad looking mum to encourage me to make right….I just let her sweep the floors, silent tears rolling down her cheeks, while I fussily made the bed “my way.”
When she was finished, she asked me if she could color, instead of cheerfully saying yes and getting her some crayons and paper, I retorted, ” are you going to make a mess with that as well?” I wasn’t upset with her at that point…I was actually upset with myself…I took it out on her though….and after reading your blog post, I now realize just how much damage I’m causing to my children….I’m belittling them, the same way I was at their age, I’m bullying them, the same way I was at their age.
My children are only 6 and 4 years old….I don’t have a single memory of my childhood where I wasn’t outcast for being “weird”, belittled for my crying, my cleaning speed, my “inability to think.”
I see my childhood self in both my children. My angry defiance for my mistreatment is often seen through my strong and hopeful daughter; my fear and emotional stress is often seen through my son. His being the oldest, he is often receiving the brunt of my frustrations. I only now realize what I am actually doing to him. He was such a cheerful and adventurous baby, now in 1st grade, I sometimes think of him as my own little Chuckie Finster: afraid of everything and usually crying…It rips my heart to bits, realizing that I made him that way.
…..It is difficult to read something that really does hit me like a ton of bricks….you are pretty much right on the mark of what I am doing to my children. Your happy ending gives me hope though…hope that I can still change and salvage their childhood.
Thank you for helping me to take a step back and realize what I’m doing.
Jodi Kershuk says
Thank you!
Svetlana says
A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I’ve decided to read it. I must tell you, when I read this, I saw myself. This is so true about me. I cried while I read your post. I do the same thing to my oldest child who is a boy. I don’t have patience with him. I constantly correct him about everything he does. Many times I see fear and guilt in my son’s eyes when I get on to him. When he starts to cry, it makes me even more irritated with him and I tell him that he needs to “tough it up”. I am crying while I’m typing this. I want to change. I want to be a better mother to him. I love him more than the words can explain. Thank you for writing this post. I’m going to try to tell myself “stop” and “only love today”. Thank you for sharing this.
Meri says
I just saw this on Facebook. I read it and cried the whole time. This is me and how I am with my children. I’ve thought it in my head so many times ” that was harsh, I shouldn’t have said that” I always justifies it somehow though. I guess the same way you were. I feel like I push my girls and husband away from me my acting like this. I have never wanted to admit I was doing anything wrong though. My poor oldest is having a hard time in school lately and I keep getting onto her to do better, she’s always done well but hasn’t been for a little while now , after reading this it clicked, I get onto her every morning for not eating fast enough, not getting dressed fast enough, her clothes not matching the right way that I think they should, she doesn’t do things in MY schedule.
I just want to thank you for sharing this because I now realize I am WRONG, I admitted it, I need to fix me and allow my children to be children. It’s okay, they just want love, unconditional love.
I am promising to myself to love today.
Pam says
Boy did this hit me hard. Just last week my young daughter got a hold of her older sisters blue Pucker Powder (candy) right before we were suppose to leave for a dental appointment (cleaning). Her entire mouth and tongue were blue. I was infuriated. I scolded, scrubbed, yelled. I was very harsh. Both girls were crying.
Many moms would have laughed, snapped a photo for facebook and posted a funny caption. Why not me?
It is such a struggle for me and I feel terrible afterwards for my over-reacting. Glad I came across your website:)
Beachgirl72 says
This brought me to tears reading it. Just really hit home for me. I am so guilty of doing some of the same things you did. Thank you so much for inspiring me to be a better mother and stop before speaking. I am so afraid I have already destroyed my 10 year old for good. I see it in his eyes sometimes….again thanks and hopefully I can turn things around.
Staci says
Oh, I am a mess right now because this is me! I am so thankful for your assistance in my journey to overcoming the very person you overcame yourself. I am hopeful for myself and my son, who is 6 months old and already subject to the ugliness within me that I want gone. God’s grace will accomplish this, I know; and, I believe your message is word from Him! Thank you.
Jan Dymond says
I wish I’d read this about 1975….or even 1985 when I was widowed with two small kids.
…..and since I, too, love to word craft, I wanted to make sure you know that travelling to your core truth so as to demonstrate the reason for your sharing is never easy, and you’ve done it beautifully. I have great grandsweeties now. I have learned from you. I also see that somehow I made that change too, though I didn’t know it ’til now. I guess I owe you a lot of ty’s, eh? Thank you!
Karen Zeile says
Thank you for for writing this and making it so clear for this mother that needed to learn a lesson about living hands free.
Joan DePalma says
Thank you…THANK YOU for sharing your story. As I read through this I kept reflecting on how I am the same way with my 6 year old son. I try to catch myself but I know I am hard on him and I know that I am not teaching him the behaviors I want him to onset towards others. I know this because he is often being disciplined for actions he has learned from me. I do hope I can transform and allow both my sons to feel free to explore, make mistakes and learn from them, to be youthful and understand selflessness!
Good luck with your book!
Ken says
Loved the story. I had a similar situation when my daughter was only 2.
She was (and still is) clumsy. Back then and from the time she could hold a cup, she always spilled the drink in it. It worked out that I was usually the one around when those spills (and many other messes) occurred. I got so fed up with cleaning up after this little child – she just wouldn’t learn to NOT make a mess and it made me angry! I only realized what an ogre I had become when on yet another occasion, I placed a drink in front of her on the table, turned around and BONK – she spilled it within seconds of me placing it there. I must have given her the ugliest look. She looked at me, looked at her spilled drink, then broke down crying in anticipation of my coming verbal wrath.
My heart melted immediately and I realized how I let that anger rule me. I vowed from that day on not to be upset with her for an accident and accepted she’s just a clumsy little kid.
Arlene says
I myself am watching a loved one do this to her child I have said somethings to try and help so with posting this I so hope she reads this so that maybe this can help her with her daughter who is so wonderful and full of love. I went through this as a child it is not good.
Ashley C. says
I read this and it was like I was reading about myself. I too feel I lash out at my first born son so much more frequently, and a lot of the times it’s for things he really can’t control (like his little sister tripping or screaming out of frustration just because he’s looking at her). I don’t feel like I bully myself but I definitely feel too bullying to my son and I want to change that more than anything. I’m going to try your STOP technique. Try more patience. Try to be a better mom. Thank you for making me not feel like I’m the only mom out there feeling this way.
Caroline says
So incredibly brave of you to share this! It is so incredibly beautiful to see what truly loving yourself and how being vulnerable really makes you stronger!
Mountain Kat says
Thank you so much for sharing this. It helps so much to hear that my experience as a child was not an isolated one. I am in my mid 30’s, and my mother and I have just begun to heal our relationship. I had been estranged from my mother since running away from home at 18. Five years ago I decided to reach out and try to mend our relationship. I believe the healing began when I confessed to her how much her bullying had affected me. I was not the strong and composed modern woman. I was only able to maintain that illusion through elaborate defense mechanisms and a death tight grip on what I called control. In fact I was a terrified little girl and had been all my life. When I finished explaining, for the first time in my life I witnessed my mother in a moment of self reflection. Nothing more was said that day, but we began talking after that. Five years and a lot of personal work later, my mother and I have laid the foundations of a loving, supportive and respectful relationship. My point is, it’s never too late to choose love.
Covenant Parent says
The phrase “spare the rod, spoil the child” comes from Proverbs 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” The Lord uses discipline to reveal our sin to us. This is also how parents reveal the truth of our need for a Savior to their children. When a child does not feel the consequence of his sin, he will not understand that sin requires punishment. The Lord provides a way to salvation and forgiveness through Jesus, but that means little to those who do not see their sin.
Furthermore, correction shows us that we are not above reproach and that we are accountable for our actions. Our natural pride blinds us to our need for a Savior, and discipline reveals the truth of our wretchedness (Revelation 3:17). Since salvation is the most important choice the child will ever make, it is imperative that parents are leading them to Christ, and discipline is critical to this process. Proverbs 23:13 says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.” In the context of verse 13-14, “die” means spiritual death of hell. Children who respect authority and feel sorrow for their sin are much more likely to ask Jesus to forgive them and be saved.
All children are born sinful (Romans 5:12-19). Their natural self is destructive and unrighteous. That does not mean they aren’t infinitely valuable and worthy of love (Psalm 127:3). It means that they are not born with any natural “goodness” in them. That is why all children need discipline. Proverbs 22:15 says “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Discipline is critical for wisdom (Proverbs 29:15), and a child who obeys his parents will be wise (Proverbs 13:1). And even adults who do not heed correction will feel the consequences of their foolishness (Proverbs 10:13).
God instructs parents to parent their children the way He parents His children. Hebrews 12:5-11 tells us that God disciplines those whom He loves to perfect their righteousness. God only disciplines His own, which proves that Christians are His beloved children. Notice that David says that the Lord’s rod comforts him in his time of trouble (Psalm 23:4).
Finally, we know that no discipline feels good while it is happening, but afterwards the rewards are rich (Hebrews 12:11). Godly character, fruit of the spirit, and peace are rewards of God’s discipline. The same is true for our human children. Children who have learned how to take responsibility for their actions are much happier people (Proverbs 3:11-18). The importance of the rod of correction is that it steers the heart of a child toward Jesus and forgiveness of sin He offers. When parents trust God’s methods over their own, they will see the blessings for their children and themselves.
Suz says
YES! Thank you for posting this! I feel like things have gotten blurred in all of these comments and in this article. Thank you for the Bible references!
I don’t mean to be hurtful at all…but this article actually concerns me because it is spreading like crazy! I feel like the take away message is “let you kids be kids and keep your mouth shut about it and let them make their mistakes”. Yes- there is a time for that….but clearly there are times when we are to- OUT OF LOVE- correct our kids! We are not raising kids- we are raising ADULTS! Yes- they ARE KIDS- but they will not be for long. People who are constantly sent the message that they are “special” and that no matter what they do, as long as they try, they are winners- they will be in for a rude awakening called reality! Your employer will not care about making sure you feel special. Your employer will want results…or you get the boot! We need to set our kids up for success- not feed their egos! We need to give them something to be proud of- not just let them do whatever naturally comes and then applaud them! We need to correct them when they are out of line so they know that is not acceptable behavior. Because if we don’t- WHO WILL? We are not their friends…we are their parents. We have been given a HUGE responsibility that we should not take lightly! It is out of LOVE that we should parent. Not out of insecurity, not out of pride or any other selfish emotion..nor the desire to be adored by our kids. Just LOVE FOR OUR KIDS and GOD. And GOD is the author of LOVE and how to be a loving parent. We would be wise to follow what He says!
Pauline says
I don’t see anybody in the article or comments advocating that parents stop disciplining their children. I see a desperate plea for parents to stop BULLYING their children. Discipline is a form of teaching, but I know of very few people who can learn from a teacher who is yelling, constantly tearing them down, and always criticizing every little mistake. Discipline them, hold them accountable, but don’t bully them! Remember, the Bible also says in
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord; and in
Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Glynda says
I too feel that a big change is needed in my house. Growing up being bullied and having a house where everything had to be perfect, lots of chorse that had to be done everyday, I found myself growing up too fast. I have found myself continuing the cycle, and have tried many times to start over and tell my self there is a better way. After reading this I think this could work for me. While I encourage my oldest to do things she loves, I find I am very busy and not taking the time to enjoy the time we have together. I find I can be too hard on her and hope this could help me shed my hard outer core and become a softer, more available mom to both my children. I thank you for writing this post and I think your book would be worth reading. Thank you so much and I hope today is my last day of old habits, and the start of new ones.
desire says
I’m sitting here crying after reading this. Thankyou. Only Love!
Naeema says
I am sitting here crying as I read your entry. I have done the EXACT same thing to my oldest daughter, expecting too much out of her all her life. No wonder she is so shy and withdrawn and afraid to speak her mind. I have done so much damage over the past 14 years, how am I going to undo it?
aresentfulsinglemom says
My son actually called me a bully this week. Thanks for writing this.
Beth McCoy says
I do hope all the parents on my friends list will be reading this, its easy to fall into the perfectionist persona, I myself have some high expectations for my children, my excuse for being so strict with school, chores, and manners are I just want a better life for them than I had, thats what we all want for our children, but its easy to forget sometimes they are just children they are not grown ups and they are still learning, they will color on the walls, spill their juice, break something expensive, and its easy to get frustraited expecially after a long and hard day, but paitence is a virtue worth having, and worth teaching our children. I think this is a beautiful article and I will take alot from it.
Derek says
This is every parent who wants the best for their children, and to give them the world. It’s not a sign of failure, it’s a sign that you’re trying with everything you have to love and protect your child. But we all try too hard.
I felt the same way when I read this yesterday. I sat in my office and had to choke back serious tears thinking about all the times I did everything short of physically pound my child into the ground over non-issues. I’ve been so hard on Emma.
Yesterday I ground myself to a stop several times and let my girls just be girls, especially during the evening hours when they wanted to play with me and be a little rough with each other. It was one of the most enjoyable play sessions we’ve had in a long time and it was like watching flowers bloom.
Rachel, I never read mom blogs. I’m your typical American dad grinding out work on a daily basis. I’m self-employed and work at home. I’m strict and rule my home with a stern grip because I want my daughters to grow into respectable, smart, educated women.
But I need to let them be children first. I need to learn how to listen to them more, and show my love for them. Thank you for showing me how to be a better and more loving parent. This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for sharing your realization so open & honestly. Thank you for sharing the changes you have already made and the smiles that resulted with your girls. You will inspire others with your story — you have inspired me!
Sheila says
I found this page by sheer accident or was it God’s way of leading me to help. For the past 3 1/2 years I have been stressed with trying to work a full time job, and go to school full time as well as being a full time parent. As I read this tears filled my eyes because I am the bully. I plan on ordering this book to help me become the loving compassionate parent I need to be for my son.
Gina says
Rachel,
Where do I begin……Thank you Facebook and Thank you Rachel! I came across your blog on FB, I don’t know what prompted me to read it but I am so GRATEFUL for doing so. I fear that history is repeating itself with my family, my mother was my biggest critic as a child, and I am still striving for her approval as a 40 something adult. I can honestly say that everything you wrote is me in a huge nutshell! I see the damage that I have done to my family especially my daughter in trying to be the perfect wife, mother and professional. And why my daughter????? I do not want to make excuses because there are none that are acceptable, but I grew up in a very strict single parent home where I was expected to be perfect. Why am I so MEAN to her? Her grades aren’t good enough, she doesn’t practice her violin enough, swim fast enough or kick the soccer ball hard enough….oh my gosh I never compliment her and she is perfect, she is beautiful talented and so smart. How awful to be in her shoes. This couldn’t have come at a better time, she has been cutting herself, she is talking to someone but I think that I am the PROBLEM and I can now admit it and will confront it head on.
Reading your post has definitely opened my eyes to what I am doing and I hope it is not too late to make a positive change in my daughters life. I feel the “Bully” in me often, heck daily!!!! I would like to get rid of “it” and quit feeling so stressed out and lashing out and because of you Rachel I think maybe I can.
Thank you Rachel for sharing your life and letting us know we are not alone and we can be a different kind of parent who is not always focused on the negative but lets the positive shine through like rays of light that children are.
Trish says
That is so beautiful. I have tears in my eyes.
C says
Single mamma in college here. I was literally thinking/praying in my head, “teach me how to show her more love, that her words need to be heard, that they have value because she has meaning; how to show her that she is the gift that she is”… and then I stumbled upon this. Wow.
Amy says
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a four year old son who pushes me to the limit almost daily. I also automatically blame him any time my three year old daughter cries. I shut him down out of anger and frustration, and then see the hurt in his (also) big beautiful brown eyes. And it crushes me, and I don’t know how to stop. Thank you for sharing that all I have to do is just STOP. I want to go home right now and bake a batch of cookies with him and tell him how proud I am to be his mom.
I’ll be ordering your book.
Amy says
Love your story! Interesting title though because I serve in the deaf community. English is their second language. Takes some explaining. But great story. Thanks for sharing.
Rebekah says
your story brought tears to flow as I read about myself in your story. Thank you for sharing and I will be looking forward to reading your book.
Marty says
This was beyond awesome! I see myself and my wife in your words. Though we are NOT perfectionists, we do tend to be quite hard on ourselves and our children. It is not the life any of us deserve. Starting this very minute, “only love” will be my motto when dealing with anyone, including myself, and especially the ones I hold most dear – my lovely wife and my two awesome daughters!
I cannot thank you enough for this from the heart moment you shared with the world. My wish is for everyone who needs to hear this, gets this – deep down gets it!
Since my wife holds the purse strings, I’ll ask her to get your book – and read it together as a family!
Lilly says
I too was a bully, totally fried about myself my second daughter (whom I wasn’t ready for) and I didn’t bond properly and I was so hypercritical of her. I saw myself in her and constantly was hollering at her for doing something that I knew I did when I was a kid. As she grew my anger at myself went off the charts as my marriage fell apart, I lost my job, and I felt worse and worse. I didn’t want her to grow up to be me so every time and I mean every time I saw her do something I would do…I criticized and hollered, berated and generally caused her grief. She grew to dislike me more. Nothing she could do was right. I have gone to her and apologized over and over and yet she still doesn’t trust me. I have told her there was no better daughter than she, but it’s nothing I can make up for. I can only hope that someday she will believe me that none of this was her fault but my own dissatisfaction in myself that caused me to be so critical of her. I have forgiven myself for this because I knew why it happened and someday I hope that she can at least understand. Until that time I will continue to pray for her forgiveness and trust.
Kate says
God bless you. Thank you for your courageous honesty. I was that mother and not so long ago. My daughter was grown before I saw what I had done. Finally she sees love in my eyes and trusts me with her heart. Today we have a bond forged by love.
Fay says
This article hit close to home. Thank you for being so honest about your own flaws.
Krista says
You just opened my eyes. My son was crying after breaking and falling off a plastic tote box today. I ran to him because the fall sounded bad but when I got there he wasn’t crying and wasn’t hurt. It was only when I said “What happened?” that he burst into tears. I didn’t realize why he was crying if he wasn’t hurt.
Only after reading this do I now know why. . . he was scared of me. Signed up for your posts– ready to change my life.
KM says
Wow! I think I was meant to read this today. Had I done as much reflection as you, I sadly could have written much of it word-for-word. I need to stop! Stop bullying myself…stop projecting my stress on my daughter. Thank you for having the courage to share your story and giving me hope that I haven’t completely destroyed her spirit already.
Kristin says
Thank you so much for writing this. As a someone who grew up as the eldest in an overly critical household, it is so refreshing to see parents be able to take a step back and think about what is actually best for them and their child instead of what is easiest and comes to the mouth/mind first. It warms my heart that you were willing to share your story and make yourself vulnerable in order to help other people change and “stop”. I too have that inner voice that whispers controlling thoughts but you have inspired me to only love today. Thank you for sharing your story. I cannot tell you how many lives have and will change because of it.
Sharon says
I also have some advice to give young moms… Please DON’T criticize yourself in front of your kids, especially daughters….they relate more to you. My daughter has a lower image of herself and constantly is putting herself down….just like me. I have seen her do it in front of my granddaughter. It was like going back in time and seeing myself all over again. Passing this kind of self doubt down through the generations… discouraging. You are good enough…you are strong enough…you are just right. Take care of your inner child and let them play. You will be content to love those who are in your care. Love yourself, love others.
Brianna H says
I read this crying and sniffling. I didn’t realize that I did these exact things til reading these posts. All this time, I keep trying to change myself and be a better mother, and never realized I couldn’t stop being a critical person when it came to kids and friends and family until I read this. I did not realize I was bullying myself. Now I do, and I have to do something to change it. I needed to read this, and for whatever reason, I felt drawn to this blog post when I saw it on facebook, and could not leave without reading it. Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve inspired me to stop doing things that I never realized I did before now. I hope I can make the change like you did, and be a better more positive person.
Pamela says
Rachel,
You have just written my life, back when my kids were little. I was always so full of anger – their father left me when I was pregnant w. my daughter. My son was only 6 months old when that happened. We were living on Social Assistance, and had nothing. So…I used to think my anger was justified. Poor me, poor me…nothing was good and *if only* I didn’t have kids, life would be so much better.
So, my wonderful, smart, amazing kids bore the brunt of my anger, no matter what the situation. I remember times when the anger boiled over from screaming at them to actually slapping them. It hurts my heart to write that, but it’s the truth. I just didn’t know how to handle the emotions that raged inside of me. I wasn’t close to my parents, and I had very few friends, so my resources were limited when it came to having someone to vent to, and to share my heart with.
It wasn’t until my kids were around 12 and 11 that things started to change. I met the man who is now my husband, and he wasn’t afraid to call me out on my treatment of the kids. He didn’t step in to parent them…but he did step in to parent me. He convinced me that counselling would help me deal better with what was going on inside, and he was right. I found a counsellor who *got me* and was able to break through the barriers I had set up around my heart.
I discovered that I had so much anger, because I had so much loss and sadness in me. Once I was able to make use of the tools she gave me, I was able to let the anger go, and see my kids for what they truly were, and still are today – creative, energetic, fun and loving. I found the courage to ask my son and daughter to forgive me, and with eager hearts, they did just that. They are now 31 and 30, and when we talk about the past as a family, they only remember good things. I’ve asked them about those angry times, and both of them, almost as once voice, said *we let that go a long time ago Mom…you should too*.
I’ve been blessed abundantly by my kids and by my husband. How we survived those difficult years remains a mystery to me, but I’m thankful that my kids led the way to forgiveness. I became a Christian in 2001, and I know that my faith has also played a large role in how I see myself today.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Just writing this has helped me heal the tiny cracks that still sometimes appear.
God bless you
Pamela
Samantha says
This is such an inspiration. I’m going through this also. I have two girls.. one is 20 months the other is 3 1/2. I have anxiety issues when they whine cry and act ugly to me or eachother. I went through a time where I couldn’t controll my tongue or temper. I acted ugly and said hurtful words. As a young girl I was molested and in return told I was ugly and stupid. Thoae words have kept with me and I find my brain wanting to torture myself. I want to hurt and yell at the girls who have no defence. I have found help through God and close friends. My husband has been so supportive! My life has taken a 180 in the past few months and we are all blossoming. Its crazy to see how much our personal lives effect others lives! God bless you and your sweet family. I love your transparency! God is good and the proof is you. 🙂
Goodlistener101 says
You have described my Mom to a T, sad thing she is 88, still just as you described. It has taken me and my Sisters many years to overlook her sharp tongue and criticism of most anything we do. We have learned we were the ones that needed to change by just facing the fact that she will never change.
Heather White says
Thank you so much for this! I have been feeling the same way for some time now & it’s good to see I’m not the only one & it can change. Thank you for sharing your story.
Heather
Cherie says
I felt this was well written from your side and I’m happy that you decided to make ammends.
I feel that your daughter should get some professional help to free her of this burden of your bullying. Most likely she will want to do this when she is older and a Mother as the pain never really goes away. A child thinks that it is all their fault for being treated this way. I too am a victim of my Mother’s short temper and as a middle aged woman, I have been going to a woman’s trauma related support group. My Mother had apologized over and over for her emotional abuse towards me but the emotional scars are still there and I wonder if I can ever feel free from the hurt and the pain it has caused since I was a toddler.
Katie says
Wow… just wow. I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I can relate to this SO much. I need to say goodbye to the bully that lives in my head as well.
jen says
Wow… just wow. Thank you for putting yourself out there so I could see myself mirrored in your writing. I too have had the thought that i’m harming my oldest daughter by my actions… i wouldn’t have ever thought to define it as bullying… thank you for just saying it like it is. Having it named that makes me all the more determined to figure out how to “Stop!” Mine is only 5, so I’m hoping i can correct my ways before too much damage is done. Thanks soooo much.
Summer Germann says
Thank you for being so candid and truthful. This is exactly why I created The Trust Journal For Mothers & Daughters. To give children a safe place to share worries and concerns without being afraid of our reactions as parents. By signing the Certificate of Trust, you are agreeing to only write back in the journal and not respond verbally. As long as we can get them to share with us, they wont try to take matters into their own hands. Blessings.
Caroline says
Wow. I think you not only just changed my life but my oldest daughters as well. I find that I am SO much harsher on her than my free spirited younger one. I’m not sure why but it’s enough for me to take pause when I read this. She is bright and creative and I find myself butting heads with her the most. I am going to read the book. I never but a label on it but I was not bullying myself, I was bullying her. The very things I am most proud of her for I judge her harder on. STOP will definitely be in my mind now.
Nina says
I was parented through discipline by my dad – a WWII vet sent to fight as a teenager in a war he didn’t understand. The boy that returned was bitter and mad and later that anger translated to his parenting. My Mom was a sweet, loving, caring wonderful person who tried to balance out his rage. But his rage had crept into everything I was – as a friend, as a partner and as a parent. So when my son was 6-months old I posted on my bathroom mirror “It’s not who you are … it’s how you were raised.” I kept repeating that mantra to myself and each day got better. I took time to understand my now ailing father to forgive him for his mistakes and love him with all my heart, mistakes and all. And it got better. I made sure I talked to my husband about how I was raised so that he could call me on my behavior if it crept forward. And he did. Six years later my days aren’t always perfect but I am proud of who I am becoming and most proud that my son won’t carry the burden of the rage on his shoulders.
Amy Barrett says
You just described me to a tee. I cried reading it and not because of what you said, but because of what I am doing to my child. This post and the “yelling” post earlier this year hit me the hardest. I do all of these things. I want to stop. I am taking this with me to my therapist on Monday and this is what I will focus on for the future. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Heather says
I, like so many others commenting, am in this exact same boat. Luckily, thanks to you, I may be able to STOP before my oldest (the recipient of my bullying) turns 5 in February. While I may have recognized my actions as being the same listed here, I may have never been able to figure out on my own what was causing my meanness. Thank you for your transparency, and for helping me (and so many others) figure out the root cause so that we can change before it’s too late for our children. I need to lighten up on everyone in my life, but most especially my sweet, precious daughter, and myself.
Cici Marques says
It is beautiful how you have changed your life and your daughter´s, and to me, your text helped me understanding my own father, who was incapable to say congrats when I was accepted in the best University of my country because I wasn’t going to study Business but Portuguese, or got a 7 in Math, when I finally decided to study Business (after 10 years), even though he knows the subject has always been a great struggle to me.
I honestly have no hopes of him changing… I see him doing the same things to my young half-sisters, but I see now he might have his own struggles, and maybe, the problem isn’t me or my sisters alone.
Thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations on being able to see the problem and make that change.
Veronica Matautia says
Thank you for this, I know that there are many of us especially myself that have these stuggles. It is so nice to know that I have the ability to choose and change, to know that I am not alone. You worded everything so acurate it left me emotional. Thank you for reminding me how imp0rtant being a Mother first is.
My heart is fill with a longing for change.
Debbie says
OMG…..how VERY brave of you to write this. You will help countless parents and children with your words. God Bless and I pray I can be as successful with change as you have been!
Donna says
Thanks for sharing your story. It was very well-written!!
Chrissie says
I have to say that reading your blog post has had me in tears. It is like reading my own life and it was only today that I actually realised what I was doing. I have two young children 4yo daughter and 17mth son. My daughter is funny, beautiful, bright and generally happy. She is also very easily distracted (following her mother perhaps!). She is more than able to dress herself, eat her food, brush her hair etc but every day she takes such a long time over the simplest of tasks and I find myself getting stressed at the time and being annoyed at always being late. As a result of course, I end up yelling at her to hurry up and then get more stressed because I feel bad for yelling at her. Not that I am trying to excuse my behaviour but I am constantly tired, I set myself too many things to do and keep setting myself up to fail and I realised today that I am doing the same to my daughter. It is so easy to criticise and belittle and it was only this morning when my husband was doing it to me (and got me very upset in the process) that I realised that it is horrible being on the receiving end of someone who is yelling at you and not giving you a chance to explain.
Just before I dropped her to school, I found a cup she had left on the book case and my instant reaction was to call her in and tell her off. BUT the little ‘good’ voice in my head stopped me and made me realise that berating her would do nothing except upset her and me in the process and so I simply picked it up and put a smile on face and helped her with her shoes.
As a parent, I too feel the constant need to get things done, to be better at things and complete that ‘to do’ list. I hate being constantly late as it means I am always playing catch up but I am in a cycle of being too tired in the morning to get much done and so having to be up late to get things finished and then being tired again the next day and my daughter gets the brunt of my frustration.
I admit though, I do say Sorry to her and explain that whilst it is not a good reason, I am really tired and could really do with her help.
After reading your post, I hope to have less need to say Sorry and more smiles instead. The time with our children is indeed precious and I want to stop saying ‘not right now’ or ‘maybe later’ and actually stop what I am doing (normally checking my email or doing housework) and actually ‘do’ things with them – even if it is just laying down so she can check the imaginary baby in my tummy!!
Your post is inspiring and made me feel better that I am not alone in feeling this way and also made me realise I ABSOLUTELY have got to get your book 🙂
Thanks so much
Julie says
A friend shared this post on FB and I found myself crying as I read it because that woman could’ve been my Mom and that oldest daughter was me. Until I was in my 20’s, I don’t think there was a single family event that wasn’t overshadowed by criticism of me by my Mother. I wore the wrong things, weighed the wrong amount, liked the wrong things, etc. etc. Even worse, I have a younger sister who was exactly the kind of daughter I never was able to be – she is beautiful, well mannered, and was interested in all the appropriate things. It took my Mom a very long time to look past my clothes, the music I liked, the books I read, and all of the rest to really see me for all the things I am, instead of the things I’m not. Our relationship has come a long way since I’ve “grown up” but I wish she had learned the lesson you talked about in your post when I was earlier so that so much time hadn’t been wasted on things that were so unimportant. Thank you.
Carolyn says
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this. I am crying right now b/c I relate so much. I never leave comments on blogs, but after reading this, I feel like I have to just say THANK YOU. It helps to know I am not alone. I, too, have this internal bully and turned it toward my oldest daughter (why is it always the oldest one?). I am proud to say that I have completely transformed how I treat her, but I am equally ashamed to say that it took her spending a week at a treatment center because she was threatening suicide. At the age of 10!! I know that not EVERYTHING is my fault (family history of depression and bipolar, other environmental circumstances), but I can’t deny that my impatience with her childishness really played a role in her depression. I have felt so guilty and so alone, like I have this horrible shame of having been a terrible mother. Thank you for helping me realize that I am not the only mama to be like this. You describe that internal bully so perfectly. Thank you.
Rachelle says
This hit close to home, in an area of my heart that I prefer to ignore. I come at it not from the perspective of a mother, but as the child on the receiving end of a mother’s inner bully. I was the oldest daughter who my mother punished for not being perfect enough. I specifically remember an instance where my mother’s first reaction was turning on me and asking, “What did YOU do?” without wanting to know the full situation, just frustrated that she had to put down whatever she was doing to come deal with my little brother and me.
Your post makes me wonder how different my childhood would have been if my mother had had a similar moment of realization. I wonder what our relationship could be like now, if I wasn’t still, even as a grown woman, worrying that I’m not good enough for her. My own inner bully, more often than not, has the voice of my mother. And now it is time for me to stop listening to that inner voice, and start telling myself, “Only love today.” I do not have children yet, so now is the best time for me to take this principle to heart and start living it, in the hopes that my children will not be on the receiving end of my inner bully, ever.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
This is very meaningful and offers a gift to everyone who reads it. I thank you for sharing your perspective. I hope you find inner peace, dear one.
Drew M. says
Just over three months ago, two nieces came to live with my partner and I. The changes to our lifestyle and respective schedules have been challenging and trying at times, but we are now finding our groove and the girls have transitioned to their new lives and their new homes as well as can be expected. But even though everything is “working,” something seems amiss, and your post hit the proverbial nail right on the head.
As the youngest in a family of 8, I grew up in a stable, loving environment but one that was undoubtedly strict. We did what we were told, tried not to get out of line and knew of consequence if and when we strayed. Now that I am raising the girls, my parents’ parenting model has surfaced. While I do think my parents were wise to set boundaries, I also think that I would have prospered even more if there was more encouragement instead of admonishment. And even though I realize this, I have been struggling with the feelings of guilt that I have when I come across more like a drill sergeant than their Uncle and father figure.
I love these girls with all my heart and would do anything for them, but your post reminded me that the one thing I need to do, is to give them room to grow to make mistakes and not be afraid to try. As a kid growing up I remember be withdrawn and shy and afraid to try. It wasn’t until my adolescence that I blossomed and came out of my shell. You reminded me of this today, of the shy, skeptical and scared little kid–and I don’t want these little angels to wait until adolescence to blossom. So today, I’m going to stop beating myself up over being a doormat or a pushover, and stop being a drill sergeant, I’m going to be the fun-loving Uncle they remember before they came to live with me and help them to blossom and grow.
Thanks a million!!!
Lisa says
This moved me to tears today and inspired me to write a piece about it. Thank you, Rachel. Only love today.
https://medium.com/p/5f9bbc948d13
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You are a beautiful writer & I am so touched that my post inspired your post! Thank you for helping to spread an important message. I am grateful for the support you have offered and to everyone who has left a heartfelt comment: THANK YOU!!! I am humbled beyond words.
Joyce says
You’re very brave to put this out there, but you do a great service to all! Thank you. I’m proud of you!.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Joyce. It means a lot to be encouraged in such a loving way. I appreciate everyone’s kind messages and heartfelt stories. We are truly not alone in our struggles.
Nichole says
Years ago my oldest daughter, when she was just 2 & 1/2, on accident/on purpose locked the garage door when we left the house to run errands. My mom and 1/2 year old baby were with us. When we got back to the house and pulled into the garage we tried to get into the house only to discover we were locked out. Since we always came and went through the automatic garage I didn’t even carry a house key. I may not have remembered the incident if my mom hadn’t later said how surprised she was at how calm and happily I dealt with the situation. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell. I just asked for the truth of what happened, laughed, talked about what we could do differently next time, and worked toward a solution.
I used to be that kind of parent. Then I got busy, well busier, and I had some big professional failures (or at least what feel like failures) in life and I let that “craziness of busy” and “self-hate of failure overshadow” the kind of parent I think I really am on the inside. I’ve been working on it in the last year especially.
As my kids have gotten older and I see a burgeoning perfectionist and tenacious do-er in my oldest, a sincere and loving people-pleaser who is silly and messily creative in my second, and a scary-intelligent, determined, self-assured, ball of unexpected in my third I’ve realized that I want to help them develop the best parts of themselves. Every trait has a good side and a “bad” side. It’s the part we focus on and let flourish that determines what we can do with it. My kids have unlimited potential. I want to parent them to tap into the greatness of their capabilities instead of mask their abilities to avoid dealing with the more difficult aspects of those characteristics.
So what if my oldest needs to outline every detail for the next week or exactly how our schedule will go? I can have that conversation with her 3 times till she feels confident in what she can make happen. I won’t get annoyed at the broken-record part of our conversations (well, I’ll try not to). So what if my second keeps every item of trash or piece of nature or random piece of string? I can deal with the clutter and stuff to see the beautiful home she built out of old shoe boxes for her family of rocks and their pet snakes. I won’t cry about the impossibility of keeping her room “clean” (much). So what if my youngest insists that her bed is full of nightmares and my brilliant 3AM response of a nightmare sucker for the mattress did not reach to every corner of the mattress because “there are definitely still nightmares stuck in there and [she] should just probably sleep in my bed anyway…but nice try Mom”? I can deal with a little less sleep and a prolonged middle of the night interaction to honor the world she is envisioning in that moment. I won’t lament about the missed sleep (except to my husband who will be on middle-of-the-night call the next night).
My point is that I can focus on the harder, more difficult to handle parts that make my children who they are, or I can focus on those same parts of them and see the things that make them unique and strong and who they are.
Thank you for a reminder of one simple thing I can do the next time I want to roll my eyes or scold first!
Brynn says
Oh, this is the loveliest post I’ve read in a long time. It’s so easy to slip down that slope of criticizing children in order to make them more aware and responsible, without realizing how we are hurting them. Thank you for the reminder.
Amy says
Thank you.
Rachel C. says
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed as I am struggling with this very thing.
Suz says
I agree that we totally shouldn’t belittle/bully our kids at all. But correcting them (not one every nit picky thing…within reason) is ABSOLUTELY necessary. The way we correct (out of love, not out of anger or selfishness) is essential. The same goes for punishment- at times- punishment is NEEDED to guide them along the right path.
I write this only because I have seen the 20 somethings in action. The reputation they have is too often (not for every one of them….but as a whole) very deserved. They often think criticism is wrong….that they should only hear about how great they are. This is NOT helpful. Kids need to know how to handle criticism. They need to learn when to ignore criticism (when it’s issued out of jealousy or other impure motives) and when to take it to heart and even be APPRECIATE of it!
What are they going to do at school when their teacher lets them know that they did their report totally wrong? Are they going to take in the criticism and redo the paper correctly (with perhaps an apology for not following the directions the first time?) or are they going to blame the teacher for being too mean or critical?
And what about those parents who will not correct their kid’s awful behavior and everyone around has to suffer for it? Behavior readjustment is what kids need in these situations.
There is a correct way to criticize. And there are appropriate times to criticize (clearly not when a kids accidentally spilled). Please do not go to the extreme of the spectrum after reading this thoughtful article. Good points made here…but I think- we need to instead rethink HOW and WHEN we criticize…not criticism altogether.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do IS to correct them!
Maureen says
This post was a blessing to me! Reading this brought back my own childhood and helps me understand my own mother so much better. I have no doubt that her rigidity and rules for everything attitude was what she grew up with too. Unfortunately when you are bullied by a parent, you are easy pickings for everyone else. While I am nearly 60 years old now, I still have those feelings of being unable to please, or live up to anyone’s expectations. I am also aware that my perceptions are not reality, just the negative self talk that I have been hearing for all of my life. I pray that I am not too hard-wired to change and give myself some love.
Ashley says
Wow. I don’t know you and I’ve never been to your blog before. I read this and the tears of guilt and shame started to flow. Thank you for sharing! Here’s to taking a moment to slow down and accept my children as they are and remember to let them be kids…
Cassie says
Wow, this story just hit home for me! I will start saying Stop! Only love today! And I will be looking for your book on the shelf next month
Melissia says
Thank you, thank you. I have shared custody of my daughter and have been baffled by the fact that I miss her so very much when she’s at her dad’s house, yet I am always scolding, yelling, and criticizing her when she’s here. You have shown me EXACTLY what has to change. She deserves better and I deserve better than to be bullied all day by my inner critic. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around her and tell her how sorry I am.
Lisa says
Thank you for this. I am again and again looking for this hope of being able to change. I feel like I find it sometimes, but it slips away, hard to sustain. I lost my phone a few weeks ago and this week while shopping without all those “lists” I realized it was a blessing to be required to simplify. Thanks for adding to my hope of being able to remember love.
Andrew Richardson says
I would be lying if I didn’t say this brought me to tears, it did and I am certainly not ashamed to say it.
To think that ones own drive for perfection, optimisation to make what you think will be a better place & life for your family and your daughter can lead to doing the one thing that you are trying so hard not to do which is hurt the ones we love the most.
I have seen this happening with others but never understood the reason why. I think maybe this is something we should all read regardless of whether we have children, married or single. If it is not your child you hurt it is you and no one can protect you from it.
Thank you for sharing and I can only wish you luck for the future.
Amy says
Thank you for being vulnerable and releasing the thoughts I have in my own head. Only love today is a constant battle that can be own day by day.
Suz says
Ok…so I thought more and more about this (and FB discussed it with a friend)…
That word shame is really at the center of it all isn’t it! As women- if we are insecure- we see others’ skills or beauty as a threat…we COMPARE we feel INFERIOR…and I suppose that was really at the heart of her article. But, I think she’s working backwards in a way. FIRST- know that God made you the way he did ON PURPOSE. He didn’t make any one woman to have it ALL. We must get that about ourselves before we begin to make a plan on how we are going to treat our kids. I just feel like she is mixing topics here without realizing that you can be loving, hands free, nurturing of an adventurous spirit, etc and still be a mom who corrects often. She is coming from a POV where she was experiencing criticism rooting in insecurity. Well…that will never be beneficial. But that is a very different thing that criticism rooted in a love and responsibility towards your children to lead them up to know right from wrong and to have genuine skills that they will someday be able to go out and use as adults to be productive members of society. As she comes from one extreme, I have seen way more often these days the opposite, where mothers are walked on by their kids. The kids don’t listen to their moms or respect them. The moms hold no authority because they are always being so darned “nice” to their kids and feel its their goal to make their kids feel good about themselves. And frankly, I don’t enjoy being around those children. They are selfish and disrespectful of others. I feel badly for those kids because it is not their fault that they don’t know any better.
Home Tutor Amir says
I like the STOP Technique.
I like these words “If you think badgering, bullying, or constantly correcting your child will make him or her more likeable, more confident, or more successful, please reconsider.”
A bit too long the post above, but I like it and would not want to miss your future posts.
Helen says
This is so thought-provoking – advice that needs to be heeded by many, myself included. I have spent quite some time reading all the comments and recognising a lot of what is being said.
Thank you for writing this life-changing post Rachel.
Andrea @ love and cake says
I’ve just been directed to your site by a friends fb post, and everything you say has strongly resonated with me, thanks for writing this – its so easy to become distracted with life, and now I am off to cuddle my daughter and do something fun together!
Jay says
While I saw my own family here, I wonder if there isn’t a danger of swinging too far to the acceptance side. My own mother mirrored the actions described by the author, and I’m sure she learned it from her mother as well. She loved me, but she was (is) impossible to please. She’s apologized to me on multiple occasions for “being cruel.” I honestly wish she wouldn’t. I love my mother and my family dearly, and I know we’re weird and dysfunctional, but we work. I have learned so many survival skills because of it that I’m not sure I’d want to trade them in. I have been designed to survive and even thrive in places where many wilt. I can endure and push through what many cannot. While some (including mum!) consider these traits as emotional scars, they are invaluable gifts.
The Mom That Needed To Read This says
Thank you.
On my way says
Wow! Is all I can say. Because it sounds just like me. I stumble on this post at 2:00 in the morning in a hospital bed thinking of how I am going to start.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Wishing you all the best. So honored to share this journey with you & so many people who love their families and want to express that love through their actions & words.
Ovid Bruce says
It takes reality like these to let us know we have really need to look in the mirror and understand we are not perfect so we should not expect other to be perfect either. We often take for granted our loved ones who count the most in our lives and we are hardest on those who need us not to be so hard on them. I too am guilty of being too hard on my daughter and this really brings my imperfections to light as I too have been too hard on those I love most, especially my daughter. I have always wanted to be the model parent but have always fell short even though I thought I was doing a good job by being strict. I love my daughter and without thought I would walk up a shotgun barrel to protect her from harm without realizing I was hurting my daughter’s spirit in the over controlling strict expectations I put upon my daughter and her mother. This will help me to become a better parent, spouse, and person…not to mention a better Christian.
Jennifer Woram says
Dear Rachel,
Thank you! Today is the day you revealed my inner bully, freeing me & my beautiful sweet sweet Annabelle.
Thank you!
Grateful love, Jen
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so grateful you told me! Thank you for such a priceless gift. Love to you and sweet Annabelle!
Mom of 4 angels says
This post brought me back. I read intently with tears flowing down my cheeks. My “aha” moment came when my oldest daughter, then 5 years old, was helping me bake a cake and was pulling three eggs out of the fridge and dropped one on the floor. She burst into hysterics and I couldn’t understand why until it dawned on me that she was upset because she felt she fell short of “perfection”. I started looking back at my interactions with her to figure out why. It didn’t take long. I was too hard on her. I finally saw it. I was pushing her to perfection, not surprisingly, just as my mother had done to me. I was the oldest of eight children. I felt like a truck hit me. But it was exactly what I needed. My daughter is now a beautiful, bright, creative and content 16 year old.
Marilyn says
Hello,
Not until I read this article, I was unsure what was going on with me. I have been to rough for along time and after I read your article, now I know why. I have been bullying myself. I would have never thought of that. I was tough on my boys for a while but I have stopped that and but I still beat myself up for a lot of things and sometimes the ugly comes out. Now, with your article, I have realized what i have to do. LOVE. Thank you!
Chris grundy says
Awesome ,awesome sometimes we don’t realize what we do as parents and how we say it to our daughter or our sons and how it hurts them inside trust me I’m a witness cause sometime often I do that thank you for this info so much Chris Grundy
James says
Thank You Rachel, from a Dad and Grandpa that is with you on “Only Love Today” I am definitely going to get you Book.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
You just made my day even better, James! Thank you for the note of support.
Sara says
Great article. One trend I noticed throughout the comments was “moms and daughters”, not moms and sons. Anyone else notice this trend?? Why are mothers so much harder on their daughters than their sons?? Is it because we mothers are seeing ourselves reflected in our daughters? Why the difference in sex? Moms admittedly expecting perfection from their daughters or getting frustrated. I, too, had a similar upbringing. I remember a lot of playing alone, being wrong, or being screamed at or punished because I didn’t load the dishwasher correctly, or iron my mom’s nursing scrubs before I went to my friend’s house. I even used to get called home from friends’ houses because I “did something wrong.” I developed an eating disorder very young (1st grade, started skipping lunch at school), I was ridiculed for behavior which is now diagnosed as OCD. Now, 29 years old, I wonder why I always have such a mean inner-voice. I always make excuses when giving gifts “i hope you like it, i got it for you because…..” , I never accept compliments. “You look great today” “yeah right….*eyeroll*” or cut myself down constantly. I had an epiphany the other day when I sat down to dinner w/my husband. He was going on about how good the dinner I cooked was. My response? “i think it sucks…it needs more ____.” He said I am always so critical of myself and my cooking. I said “better me than someone else!!!”. I hit the nail on the head. I was cutting myself down constantly because it was my defense mechanism. I realized I was expecting perfection with everything…..the way the laundry is folded, the way the magazines are set on the coffee table, and the way the baby was being tended to. I must have been a real treat to live with!! I owned it and have made my husband aware that I am trying my best not to be such a picky pain in the ass.
My mother and I have a great relationship today, but I often sit and think back on all those times she obviously hurt me and the permanent damage I have now as a result. I often wonder what she was thinking, how she felt afterward or if she ever thinks about it today. But, somewhere along the line she had changed her ways and I think we turned out pretty okay. Thanks, Mom. Thanks to moms everywhere who are owning their mistakes and shaping their daughters.
John McLay says
Beautifully written. Beautifully lived. I am inspired to work more diligently on becoming a hands-free father. Thank you, Rachel.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Welcome, John. So grateful to share this journey with you. Thanks for the meaningful comment.
no3gods says
Let’s see, a Christian perspective on the “anti-bullying” fad that is sweeping the nation. It is a fad because 1) corporate “ethics” training is failing to produce respectable people, 2) morality cannot be taught because it begs the question of moral authority, and 3) humanism demands that man solves his own problems without a God. The Anti-bullying movement is simply a new program or social experiment to focus people on humanist solutions to a soul problem; without the new birth, people -and by extension, society- will never be truly changed. The Word of God has the lasting solution to our household and societal problems.
Colossians 3:21 KJV
(21) Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
Ephesians 6:4 KJV
(4) And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Proverbs 3:1-4 KJV
(1) My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:
(2) For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.
(3) Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
(4) So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 KJV
(4) Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
(5) Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
(6) Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
(7) Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Hannah says
I am 18 and I am the oldest daughter that Rachel wrote about. Although now that I have moved out for college my relationship with my mother is finally blooming, there are still days that I feel as if my childhood was shortened due to the constant struggle of trying to please my mom rather than just being a kid.
Anonymous says
I wish my dad had written this, or that we still talked, so I could ask him to read it.
Lisa Fetty says
thank you for sharing that story. I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy to be so transparent. But I appreciate that you did because I too have been the bully. Your words resounded in my own heart and convicted me.
Cassi says
I read this post with tears streaming down my face. I raised my daughter in a cult, in much the same bullying way. I had an ‘important’ job, trying to save the world. I was often frustrated, stressed financially and otherwise, went through menopause without knowing that’s what it was, put my daughter in a private school that did not nurture her but rather treated her much the same way I did – expecting a child to act and be responsible as an adult. My daughter is now 35 and takes medication and sees a therapist. We have a cordial relationship, but the closeness I see other people have with their children does not exist between us. I’ve mostly forgiven myself and we’ve talked about this, but I don’t think we’ll ever have that closeness. The worst part of it all is that she is not a happy person. That breaks my heart.
Kim says
Wow!! Thank you for opening my eyes! You are so brave.
Adam Weiss says
I want you to know that while I do not have kids of my own, I found your article extremely helpful. I actually read it yesterday but felt the need to come back today and comment. Reading your article made me realize that, like you, I am waaaaaay too hard on myself. There is rarely ever a moment where I don’t feel worthless in some way or another. I can never do anything good enough to my own “standards”. And I realized that having that attitude HAS greatly affected my life and the people around me. I don’t have that many friends anymore, and I think this has a lot to do with it.
I’ve decided to make some major changes in my life. I actually woke up today feeling slightly more upbeat than yesterday, even though I only had about 5 hours of sleep. It’s time to stop focusing on all the bad stuff and start focusing on good stuff more often. I’m going to bookmark this so I can come back and read it whenever I need a reminder not to be so hard on myself.
Thank you for writing and sharing this article.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Adam,
Thank you taking the time to tell me the impact of my story on you. This means a great deal to me. I feel very hopeful just reading about what you are experiencing. I truly hope you continue to progress toward a more positive outlook and experience the freedom & joy that comes with self-love. You have made my day better just knowing this.
SoberTina says
I wish I could say I couldn’t relate. I wish I could say I could/would/have never acted this very same way. I wish I could say I don’t fight acting that way more often than I care to admit. Thank you for your courage and honesty. I will be a better parent tonight because of it.
emily says
I really liked this post. though you didn’t call it abuse, holding your child to a perfectionist standard is a form of psychological abuse, and one that i am all too familiar with. At the young age of 5, my mother began demanding me in subtle ways to act like an adult when i was still just a child. The scars it has given me are too many to name. Your daughter is blessed by the Lord to give her a parent who “gets” grace and forgiveness. My mom finally apologized for things she had done to me 20 years later, when i was excepting my daughter. this is a great reminder to all moms that all the little words and deeds you do matter. They are the things that stick most in a child’s head. They all add up to what life is really about. I have tried tackling the issue with my dad many times, he wonders, “why do you want your mom to be proud of you? Everyone else was!” He doesn’t see that at the heart of every daughter is a deep longing for connection, intimacy and acceptance with their mother. the freedom to fail and still be loved. grace. that is after all the gospel.
Anna says
I’m glad to hear that this type of change is possible. My mother bullied myself and my siblings mercilessly; I didn’t realize how terrible and unusual her treatment of us was until well into my adult years.
I am successful in many ways, but I still struggle with many feelings of inadequacy and fear that I believe are the result of my upbringing. I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband, who loves me with a total acceptance I have never previously known, and I am trying to learn to treat myself the way he treats me.
I worry that, if I were to have a child, I would treat him or her as poorly as my mother treated me. Your story reassures me that not everyone is necessarily trapped in these abusive cycles and that, with effort and intention, change is possible
Phil says
Thank you for this. This has given me perspective on my own parenting style. I constantly find myself not letting my kids be kids. I will change because of this.
Joy @ Joyfully Green says
Hi Rachel,
I’m so glad that I just discovered your blog–I am really awestruck by your forthright honesty about hard times you’ve experienced in parenting. I included it in my “Joyful Reads for the Weekend”–the link is here: http://www.joyfullygreen.com/2013/12/joyful-reads-for-the-weekend-vol-5.html. I’m not quite sure how to do trackbacks, but wanted to let you know that I linked to it and found it very moving. Thanks for putting yourself out there so honestly on the blogosphere–it is appreciated.
Best,
Joy
Jenn K says
Thank you for posting this. My life was Much the same. My oldest is my blessing, but i had a hard time seeing that until she took a sketchbook i got for my birthday but hadn’t used yet. Her Sketch book s were full and i hadn’t drawn in quite a while being busy and i jumped all over her. There was much yelling, crying , and in the end an apology and changed attitude. (your book looks likes something i want to read)
Shanon M. says
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your honesty. This was the slap in the face that I needed in my own world. I’ve caught myself being much too harsh on my daughter. I blame hormones since I’m 37 weeks pregnant. I blame stress because I’m trying to prep my house for baby & company. I blame exhaustion because I work full-time and I’m trying to wrap up the fall semester as a college student – and really who sleeps well at 37 weeks pregnant? I blame everything else but I haven’t taken the time to look in the mirror and see that because of how I feel about me right now, because of those other things are getting caught up as more important than loving on my daughter I have been mean. Thank you. “Only love today” is going to be my mantra. I’m going to put my screens away and focus on her. Her little heart and her little world and help her grow rather than tear her down.
Breanne says
My mom wasn’t my bully. My bully was my father. He could never say he was sorry, could never admit when he was wrong. His way of saying sorry was buying us something, handing it to us, then walking away. I could never never never do anything right in his eyes. My daughter is beautiful and I love her, but I do get on her about silly little things. I find myself not being able to stop. We were in counseling for a little bit then moved, now things just seem to be more rocky between the two of us. I don’t know how to stop and think about what I’m doing. I’m one of those people who just says what I’m feeling. I know it’s hard for her…I just don’t know how to change….I guess maybe think a little more and a little harder when I’m trying to handle her!
Sasha says
“Every time I came down hard on my daughter, I justified my behavior by telling myself I was doing it to help her—help her become more responsible, capable, efficient, and prepare for the real world.
I told myself I was building her up.
But in reality, I was tearing her down.”
My son often says that I’m “always correcting him” or “nagging at him”. He’s a very sensitive soul, so I usually dismiss these comments and always reply – and I truly believed – that I’m just trying to help him learn how to do things correctly so that he’s prepared for the real world – so that he can be more responsible, more self-sufficient. He apologizes all the time, even for things he didn’t do “wrong.” For the last year I often hear him muttering to himself, “I’m so stupid,” or “I can’t do anything right,”, etc.
I am so devastated and ashamed.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this post. My eyes have been unbelievably opened. Our lives are about to change forever – for the better – because of it.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
So much hope in your honest message. Thank you for stepping into the light of realness and standing by my side. Once your eyes have been opened, they will never be closed again. I am so excited about what the future holds for you and your precious son. It’s not too late.
Kristy says
What a wonderful story! Thanks you so much for sharing it. It’s hard to share the stories of parenting failure with the world. Thanks for having the courage to do it. I can really identify with the inner bully and have seen that look in my daughter’s eyes on occasions.
Karen Tussey says
Thank you so much for being the voice of my spirit…being a single parent of 3 girls I’ve strived so hard for so long that I’ve lost myself, and who I really wanted and needed to be! I forgot the importance of just feeling footloose and fancy free~of just learning to be me! Nothing is ever good enough and as much as I’ve tried to do good, and be good, and teach good…I have not been able to feel good! I’m asking for your book as my most special Christmas gift because I know it may be life changing…for me and my family 😉
Jolene Tatum says
Thank you, thank you for writing this! I was the scared little girl once…And then I raised a scared little girl… Since then, I too, have given up the “bully in me” and try love…There is so much more peace – so much more joy! In fact, just next week, I will be teaching a class on Co-Dependency…(which is partly these actions) I pray that I can reach others and that they will be touched by MY story, as I was by YOURS. Thanks, and God Bless!
mothered says
I absolutely loved stumbling upon this blog…I am a bully…I am a bully…I am a bully…I am in tears.
I have been mothering my son the way I was mothered. My mother still, bless her heart, is a bully to me. I make myself mad with the negative thoughts of myself- the criticism- the anger–it all spills over onto my precious beautiful son….I have witnessed the sparkle leave his eye for a second. Its heartbreaking. But not too late to turn it all around. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Peace be with you.
Mary Jo says
Rachel: You are a wonderful Mother, realizing your own mistakes and bullying your inner self, and transforming them into Only Love for your daughter, That’s what change is all about. Change can make us a new person and it did that for you and your precious daughter. May God bless you with a beautiful Christmas within and outside too!!!
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Mary Jo. Such beautiful words of encouragement that mean a great deal to me. You have touched my heart.
Shannon Edwards says
Thank you. I am that child that is bullied by their parents…. And still is, at age 38…. She is stealing my mail, constantly belittle me in public and privately, and constantly nasty to me…. So thank you for stopping your bullying, you have saved your daughter’s life of misery, self esteem, etc. Words do hurt, negative actions do hurt… To this day, my self esteem is very low, no hope for a man, relationships, etc…. For me: I am also an disabled person, who was dealt a double blow… I have trust issues, and don’t believe people when they say positive stuff to me. :-(((((
ChangingMama says
Reading this 2 days ago sent me into a 3 hour crying-confessing conversation with my tremendously supportive husband. I am this mom to my precious 6 year old daughter (but not my 4 year old son), at least I used to be . I am working hourly to change. Your courage to share your journey is beyond brave. Please know how deeply encouraging your words are to me – and no doubt countless others. Reading all of your other posts now and anxiously awaiting your book. My journey to hands-free living is beginning. The last 2 days of choosing to show love have already yeilded more hugs and kisses than ever imagined. (And better sleep too!). Life-style changes are coming and much more love to be shared. No doubt that God placed your blog in front of me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so grateful you took the time to share with me your words of hope & change! I am so touched.
Jessica Peterson says
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I criticize myself all the time for being too hard on my kids, my oldest especially, and expecting too much from her. This is a beautiful reminder to teach through love only. Thank you 🙂
PatriceK says
Honestly, your words actually help me, among others too, from the amount of comments. I’ve been reading and re-reading certain posts – warm fuzzy jar … she lit up! The smile was HUGE … and really just trying. You are very inspiring. I’m so glad I found this information. Only love today … only love every day. Thank you.
Karin says
Just wanted to add another comment to this amazingly impressive collection of comments.
Rachel- you are such an inspiration. I wish I knew you in real life. Maybe someday, our paths will cross. 🙂
Oh, and I wanted to thank you for the ARC of your book. Chris and I got it yesterday. Love and light to you! xoxo
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for being such a loving source of support for years, Karin! The support that you & Chris have given me is part of the reason I am able to share such not-so-pretty truths about myself. Thank you for allowing me to be real & flawed. I hope you & Chris enjoy the book! Thank you, friend, for letting me know.
Natalyn says
I can’t tell you how much this resonates with me. Thank you for having the courage to make this change and for having the courage to write about it! I will keep a link to this post and read it often. My kids deserve to have the freedom to make more mistakes. I need to lighten up!
Ericka says
Rachel, this made me really think about my family’s lives. There are time when we all lose out patience and I applaud you for being big enough to write about it in an open forum. Your words will help so many people. Thank you for sharing. I will buy your book.
Deanna says
Thank You for your words I too do the same and for reading this i am going to try and stop bullying myself so that my children can benefit <3
Jenipher Lyn says
I think i might be one of the only people reading this NOT from a parents point of view, but from your daughters. I’m 29 now, but i can still FEEL all of those strained scared feelings she was feeling during this rough time, and have lived with all of the fears up until a couple years ago. Crazypants!!!
Although, it was quite rough for me, all of those fears have manifested into an ENCOURAGING, vibrant, HONEST book for young girls that i just finished illustrating and writing. [hooray!] At least i took what was bad and turned it into something good. And for that i am thankful. 🙂
But goodness, i’m SO proud of you!! It takes SO much COURAGE to realize our faults, and teach our brains to be nice to us. It’s certainly something I have to teach myself! Perhaps i’ll try to today. 🙂
This piece was amazing, and i can’t wait to share it!! Thank you so much!
Smiles,
Jenipher 🙂
http://www.doodledream.com
Anna says
Its not easy to admit what you have, and for it I thank you beyond words. Reading your story made me feel so guilty because I too am a bully to myself and my eldest, my son. He is the eldest of 4 and him being the only boy didn’t make any easier for him. He is 10 years old now and I had pushed him so hard, “you know better, you have to be better, you cant make mistakes like that! ” These words came to mind as I read you story. Tears immediately began to flow. I AM MY SONS BULLY! I cant believe it! I didn’t see, how could I not see? I suppose it doesn’t matter now when it started or how or why…. the only thing that matters now is CHANGE, and I HAVE to change for the sake of my son and my daughters. I don’t want them to grow up and continue the cycle of bad parenting. I see my son so unhappy and so nervous all the time and ask him whats wrong and he says nothing. I thank you SO much for opening my eyes to see how much I was hurting my son. I WILL CHANGE, and I have to. God bless be with you and your family.
Sarah says
I feel so trapped between the bullying I do myself; and the pressure I feel from others to maintain this idea of perfection. To live free, to say “stop-Love today” is dominated by fears, depression and the sinking feeling of despair. And the lack of acceptance just as we are in our family; and the lack of respect and response is just too much.
I hear my kids explode and bully each other. This learned from only my husband and myself. This cruel circle we have created has devastated all of us. Yesterday I laid it down; Bullying of self and others is NOT okay and not allowed in this house. We still need to have mutual listening, responses, and direction… but the pains of not being heard and listened to and worthy to be listened to and the fight to be heard will take time to change and heal… those hurts go deep.
I am a believer in Christ; I have an active relationship with Him where I see Him caring and directing and keeping… but the JOY of the Lord is not known. He needs to be enough for me… and I need to trust Him and what He says over what those around me.
Thanks for posting this… I asked for the book from my husband for Christmas.
Trying to grow in grace— and make a real change… the redeeming kind… full of mercy and grace and not conditions.
Making Memories says
Thank you. I love to be in the business of making memories and it takes figuring out what balls will bounce and which ones will not =)
darla atwood says
Bullying family members creates resentment and disrespect, two sides of the same coin. Over the years the feelings build and eventually relationships become broken – sometimes they end. Don’t fall into the trap that perfection leads to the perfect life, it doesn’t. Instead, be loving and kind and lead a life where others are choosing to be with you because being with you feels good. Let others be responsible for their own lives; you can’t fix them or solve their problems. I am 56 yo, and have seen several marriages end when the “other” women arrives on the scene and is able to worship the man who didn’t meet his wife’s standards of perfection.
Crystal says
I’m Blessed that I came across this blog as for myself I’m feeling very ashamed on how much of a bully I’ve become with my daughter that is 10 years old since I can remember Ive always thought everything I’ve done had to be perfect and if things weren’t done how I wanted them I would lose my cool I never really realized it till I read your blog that ive been bullying my daughter, everytime she didn’t do something right the way I wanted it done and I would make her feel hurt or scared not even realizing that I was affecting her in a way that she was in tears or the fear in her eyes. Although it pains me to write this I now know how inperfect I thought my life was and knowing that the pain im feeling inside right now as I write this is how my daughter was feeling everytime I lost my cool with her, as I always thought teaching her to be responsible, respectful teaching her the right ways of life. Not knowing that everytime she didn’t do what I ask or if it was wrong it was never good enough unless it was perfect the way I wanted it to be.As a parent, I too feel the constant need to get things done, to be better at things and complete that ‘to do’ list. I hate being constantly late as it means I am always playing catch up but I am in a cycle of being too tired in the morning to get much done and so having to be up late to get things finished and then being tired again the next day and my daughter gets the brunt of my frustration.
I have to say that after reading all the posts im not the only mom that has done this and I feel that in life you only have one chance to show your children that being who you are is the only thing you have for yourself. I can honestly say that I will be making these changes for my family and mostly for myself to make sure that my daughter knows that life is about being happy and doing whats best to make yourself happy. after coming from a home that my mom was always on our cases about everything and was never happy unless she had something to say I guess ive become my worst enemy. life is full of possibilities and this is gonna make me change for the better knowing im changing for my daughter and my family& myself. I really want to thank you for your blog it made me see and feel the pain of what my daughter was feeling every time I lost it on her. em I bad person I don’t think so I think with being a fulltime mom, working fulltime, taking care of our family home having such a busy life that it got the best of me and not really knowing how my behaviour was affecting my daughter and my family. life is going to be extremely better .
Julie says
I, too, would like to thank you for this post and particularly the photo of your daughter gardening. That photo is very powerful for me, a reminder to celebrate and encourage ideas, regardless of where they are planted. Not criticize and micromanage- things that I find myself doing all too often. Thank you, this is a great gift for this holiday season.
sassygirl711 says
such a beautiful and honestly written article. it makes me happy to hear
about the positive change in your oldest daughter because of the positive
difference in YOU.
thanks so much for sharing with us.
happy holidays 🙂
Sally says
I don’t have children but once was a child, and this rings so true. I’m getting the book because I love to read good books and find things like this helpful in all ways.
Katie says
I’m only 20 but this gave me so much inspiration for how to live my life now so that I can be a better daughter, friend, and mother one day. I love this and it’s so important.
Way to go, you’re awesome!
Lots of love,
Katie
{theblissfulblog.com}
EcoMama says
I applaud your journey! I have come out the other side of a 6-year severe depression, much of which was worsened by a very unhealthy inner dialogue of constant self-criticism. My first step was stopping and asking myself what I would say to a close friend.
jessie says
thank you for this. it really hit home tonight after i declined the invitation from my children to tuck them in. i feel convicted and reinvigorated.
didi says
I wish my mom would read this. It’s too late for me but I’m glad your daughter had the chance to be herself. I understand how it feels to be criticized and having told that nothing I do is right. I tried to be the best that I can but to my mum that’s just not good enough. I hope with your writing, mothers and hopefully myself someday would be less critical of ourselves and our children.
Emma says
Thanks for sharing your story. I am the same way and this has helped to see see that there is hope and I can change. Thank you.
Debbie Onishi says
I am deeply touched by your writing about your inner bully. It hits a nerve that I realize needs major addressing. I don’t see the outward hazards as much as I see inward damage I have done.
Thank you for putting words to the situation I have allowed to go on since…. I look forward to reading your book. Blessings,
D
Jeannie says
Thanks for writing this. I felt God speaking through you to me. I am a volunteer writer on our devotional team at my church, and this essay was written with this post as an inspiration. Thank you!!
http://bbemaildelivery.com/bbext/?p=land&id=ED968B14D3CEDE27E0408F0AAB97685D
Carol Lamoreaux says
I absolutely loved this post! I have been trying to figure out how to not react to things that annoy me. I love your “Only love today” idea. I want nothing more than for my two girls to feel good about themselves and who they are — and I want to encourage them to be that way by the way I act. Thank you!
rrmama says
Two of my friends posted this on Facebook. It was like the wind was knocked out of me while I was reading. I saw myself in the words you wrote. I have two boys and I find myself doing the same thing to my oldest that you did to yours. I find myself always trying to be perfect, to paint the perfect picture for everyone else to see hoping for two things, either that I would believe the perfect image I was trying to portray or that the outside world looking in wouldn’t see my flaws. Thank you for the encouragement!
Susan says
You hit home, AGAIN! Thank you. Thank you.
justanothersahmother says
Rachel!
Thank you. I don’t remember clicking through to this post during the last week, and yet here you are, an open tab on the iPad. Very fitting, at this time of holiday stress, with my own mother’s arrival but one day away; I’m trying to do more to convince myself that even if she’s put off by the mess, at least we’ll be together; whether she approves of my parenting or not, she’ll be happy to spend time with her grandson. Right? RIGHT!
I loved this post and found myself nodding at more than one point. Let’s quash the inner bullies. Who knows, it may have a profound effect on the more overt ones that are still out there.
Thanks again. Love you.
katelyn says
I am not a Mother, I am a girl of sixteen, and could not stop crying as I read this. My Mother is a horror in the house and is always breathing down my neck… waiting for me to slip up so she can yell at me again. After my Dad confided in me that he was going to leave her, and wanted to take me with.. I started smoking, among other things to make myself feel better. When she found out she didn’t talk to me for four days she was so mad. I hate her. I hate her so much. I don’t know what to do. So I will make her read this. Maybe it will help even a little.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Hi Katelyn, thank you for reaching out. I have a colleague who is skilled in helping families in similar situations. I have just sent you a message with her advice and contact information. I am truly hoping things will start looking up for you, Katelyn.
Brittany says
I have so much love for you right now. Because you are accountable. Because you committed to tremendous, beautiful change and stuck to it. Because you have learned to show love to your daughter and to yourself. And that, in turn, has made me feel more love for myself. Thank You. You are courageous and inspiring, and I feel ready to stand up to my inner bully (and the bullies outside of myself) and say “STOP”. Bless your heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish this for all parents, for all children, for all people.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, Brittany. This means so much to me. I will remember your words when I need a lift.
Melissa says
Thank you for this. I never could put words to what I go through with my mother, and had not really considered it bullying, but this describes how I feel as the daughter. I have grown up with this and am about to graduate college yet I’m still not free from my mom’s critique. It’s to the point I have allowed myself to not care too much about what she says and I usually just don’t share certain things with her. Though I have suggested to her to accept a similar perspective to what you have embraced, I have since given up at trying to change her. I figured this is because the bully is now in my head, saying it probably is my fault. I feel so hopeless sometimes.
Supposedly, mother-daughter relationships improve in the daughter’s 20s anyways, but I want to get her Hands Free Mama and see if she can finally understand how I feel so we can improve this which has plagued our relationship for as long as I can remember.
Cate says
This article popped up on my facebook news feed and all I can say is wow. You just described my mother, and her mother. I am grateful for your honesty and your willingness and perserverance in changing. My mother bullied me for 31 years, until last December I decided I’d had enough. I was the scapegoat of our family. No matter what, my brothers were never at fault.
I’ve been in pretty intense therapy for several months now, one of my great fears is that when I have children of my own, I will repeat this destructive behavior. Your post has given me hope that I, like you, can do it differently.
Kristen P says
I cried reading this. I was a teen mom (17), and grew up very fast. I did all the responsible things, good job, own place, car etc. It wasn’t until I got pregnant with my 2nd child (22), that I realized my OCD was out of control. I’d done well with it since I was about 14, or so I thought. My child couldn’t make a mess, hell, he couldn’t even MOVE a COUCH PILLOW, without me freaking out. No toys out of his room, ever…I could go on and on. I said all that to say, my “a-ha moment”, came when my 4 year old wanted me to play with him, and I just couldn’t because I NEEDED to scrub those walls, wash those clothes, bleach the floors. I decided right then that I had to get help, and make changes. I’ve come a loooong way, and can even joke about my “clean crazy” self …but as the mother to now 14 and 9yr old boys, every day is a new challenge. It’s awesome to know that I’m not the only mother in the world who bullys herself and is hard on their child. My oldest is my mini me, attitude and all, and I tend to expect so much more out of him, and little brother gets by with everything. Since my oldest opened my eyes to my unfairness, I’ve been making an honest effort to dole out discipline more evenly. I can’t wait to put your method to work, and open my husbands eyes.
Isobel says
I accidentally stumbled across this post and was crying by the end. Thank you so much for sharing. It has encouraged me to firstly acknowledge the bully and, what’s more, given me hope that I can make it go away!
Brenda says
Your post described my childhood perfectly. Or imperfectly, as the case might be. I grew up in a similar environment that you were creating for your eldest. But nothing ever changed. I was the youngest and expected to be perfect. If I was not perfect (which I am not but I have learned to love myself for my imperfections) then my mother took it personally and would tear me down, criticize me and berate me. Nothing I did was ever good enough. It eventually got to the point where I didn’t even try to argue back because it would just encourage her. I would just hang my head and listen to her as she would go on and on about what an awful daughter I was for not doing this or that. And what an awful mother she was and how I must not love her because I had done this or that.
This past April, I had my second son and had a very hard time with postpartum depression. I sought counseling. After delving into my past, my counselor helped me realize that many of the issues I was having stemmed from how hard my mother came down on me, especially when I made a mistake. There was no unconditional love in our house. Every mistake came with a heavy dose of criticism, guilt and a complete indifference for my feelings. I was to blame for every thing that went wrong even when I had very little to no control over it. For example: The lightening took out the TV and some of the other smaller electronics. It was my fault because I was up late watching TV after getting home from work at midnight. Yep, I took the blame for that one.
Even my looks were criticized. I had acne as a teenager and remember being told over and over again, “You would be so pretty if you did not have acne”. I even went on Accutane and it almost killed me. Why did I take such a nasty medication? Because I wanted to be beautiful in my mother’s eyes. Even when the medication almost killed me, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to go off from it because it was helping my acne.
I find myself slipping into some of that with my 2 year-old son (my first born) and I try not to. I know how much it tears down one’s self esteem. Both my husband and I try to be very affirming in the way we speak to him. As a result, he is full of self-confidence and knows that even when he makes a mistake, it is okay. That we still love him no matter what. I tell him that several times a day. Yes, some mistakes have consequences but after the consequences have been dealt and we have had a chance to talk about it, we always end with an “I love you”. I feel that he needs to know that despite his mistakes; his imperfections that he is loveable. We never call attention to his imperfections, either. To us, he is perfect but we do not expect perfectionism from him at all. When he experiences failure, we encourage him to try again but only when he is comfortable enough to do so.
I didn’t have any of that as a child and it totally and completely made me feel as though nobody could love me or even like me, ever. That was the most painful part, was feeling like I unlovable. It took a huge toll on my marriage but now that I have faced down that demon, my husband and I are working hard at repairing the damage.
The emotional neglect and pain caused in my childhood has left its mark. And I will always bear the scars of it. However, it also taught me something…how to stop the emotional abuse cycle and above all, how to be the best mom I can be for my little boys and to make sure that they experience true unconditional love and acceptance no matter what.
Liz says
Just thank you for this beautiful, brave, honest piece of writing.
Brit says
I am happy I read this article. I know this relates to bullying your child specifically, but I feel it relates to many relationships. I constantly criticize my significant other’s actions. They can be small or large mishaps. As an adult, she is well aware of the consequences of negative actions. Why do I feel the need to voice my opinion on what she did wrong. Instead of finding something to say about the mishap, I have to say STOP, Only love today because she deserves that. And if explanation is needed, then it has to be done int he right way. Thanks for your post.
Elaine A. says
Rachel, I’ve just started your book but I have not gotten very far. Why? I ask myself. I think because I am scared. I am scared of what it is going to reveal about me and my bad habits. Your words and admissions here are very powerful. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face because I do the same things with my sweet, beautiful children. And I do want to STOP but I am not sure I know how. I know my family suffers due to the extent of my time online, on my phone, on this or that. I don’t want them to think that I love those things more. EVER.
I am trying. I know we are all trying. But it sure is hard some days. And of. course, easier on others
Thank you for putting this out there and making us SEE how we can change and be better for both ourselves and our loved ones.
Elaine
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for your honesty, Elaine. When I read your heartfelt comment, I feel a lot of hope–hope because you are acknowledging something very difficult to admit. However, these difficult truths are the first step and the hardest step. You now have awareness & that is a life-changer. Please keep me posted. I think you will find the small steps towards change very achievable. It is not about being perfect–it is about trying. I am honored to share this journey with you.
LisaP says
I like your blog a lot. As a daughter of someone who did the same to me, but that someone didn’t really ever stop because it was too embedded in their minds, I’m happy to read of stories where another daughter (or anyone else) is doing well.
I have failed over and over again and I still continue to struggle and find my path. Fear of what others think of me is the only thing that stops me. I’m 27 and still trying to get on my feet. Because I am older, I feel like I should have found a way to fight my way through to feel at peace. I know I shouldn’t blame others for my own weird stuff. :/
Reading of how your daughter blossomed makes me happy though, I do hope I blossom someday too. It is a huge dream of mine. Thank you for the nice blog, I’m so happy for you all.
Sandra Blackard says
Lisa,
I’ve been helping Rachel respond to readers whose inner critics have created painful problems in their lives. She wrote a follow-up post to this one that I hope you will read: https://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/17/three-words-for-the-critic-in-your-head/ . It’s meant for parents, but may also ring true for you. When you read it, look for how the bully-voices in our heads not only talk us down, but blind us to all the good we do that could prove what wonderful, loving people we are.
For now, I want you to know that the path to freedom from an inner-critic does not have to feel like a fight. It can start with something as simple as awareness. The first step can be as easy as learning the difference between that negative voice in your head and the truth.
For example, your inner-critic showed up in your comment when it told you that because you are “older,” you should have found a way to fight your way through to feel at peace. ” Really?!! The truth is that you wish you felt at peace, you don’t want to fight, and you would jump at the chance to embrace peace if you just knew how.
Can you feel the difference between those two statements? It’s subtle but there. The inner-critic’s voice keeps telling you there is something wrong with you, while the truth points you to where you want to go and reminds you of who you are. That reminder serves as your inner compass and keeps possibility alive. The more you notice the difference between the two voices, the easier it becomes to spot the critic’s voice and replace it with your own in the form of a wish.
Finding the wish behind your inner-critic’s “shoulds” or complaints is one way to begin to shift out of a negative view of self into a more positive one. Your wishes are always in keeping with your dreams, and your dreams guide you to who you really are.
You are only 27, you have a generous nature (as demonstrated in your attempts to understand your parents and yourself), and a dream of inner peace. Contemplate all the gifts you have, and all that you share, and know that your inner critic was actually trying to help you be your best, just like your parents, but didn’t know how. Now you can show it and them the way to start.
If you would like further coaching or assistance, Rachel included my contact info and my colleagues’ at the foot of the follow-up post I mentioned above.
Best wishes – Sandy
PS – Language of Listening tip: Finding the wish behind others’ complaints, helps them see who they really are, too. Try it with your parents or the children in your life. You will be amazed at the difference it can make.
LisaP says
Wow thank you for this comment. Yeah I see the difference between those 2 statements. I need to stop being so hard on myself and learn the difference between my inner critic and the truth. My mind is clouded with self criticism, so clouded, that sometimes it is confusing and it does feel like a fight. When you said that it doesn’t have to feel like a fight, I felt some hope. If I knew I could embrace inner peace right now, I would definitely jump at it. I just need to learn HOW to find it and embrace it. Oh my goodness do I want to know how!!!
Sandra Blackard says
You sound quite upbeat compared to your first comment. You are definitely ready to leave fighting behind. Every tiny bit of awareness will awaken even more hope. Keep listening for the difference and reconnecting with your wishes, and you may find that you have fewer areas of cloudiness to work through than you think. How-to’s are my specialty in parenting and personal growth. If you would like further assistance, please let me know.
Yen-Hong Tran says
As a tutor, I sometimes run across control parents who are filled with self-hatred and perfectionism, and pass that onto their kids in the form of criticism, stifling their passions. Tutoring by Tran recognizes that and encourages parents to StopLookandListen to what you are doing before passing it onto your kids. Both you and your kids will change and become more freer and able to express one’s innate passions. Tutoring by Tran is glad to help during and after those amazing transformations.
Jen D says
Thank you for this reminder. Peace.
Lilith says
I wish my father would’ve learned this when I was younger. Life would be different if he had but he didn’t and now I have no relationship with him b/c he tore me down my whole life. So thank you for writing this and encouraging me to have a good relationship with my children when the time comes that I have them.
Seth says
I can’t stop the tears streaming down my face as I read this post. I struggle so hard against the perfectionist in myself. The part of me that thinks nothing is ever right if it’s not perfect. That part that doesn’t even want me to try something new unless I know that I can do it perfectly.. I know that I frequently address those around me with the judgmental perfectionist voice as well as myself. One in particular… We never seem to do anything but fight.. I think I take so much of my frustration out on him.. I am always tearing him down, criticizing everything from the way he dresses to the way he washes dishes.. It breaks my heart to think of the damage that I’m doing to him…
I am a “recovering perfectionist” and I do try but I have to try harder. I have to pay more attention to the way that I speak to people..
Sandra Blackard says
Seth,
You are in such pain. I hope you read my reply to Lisa above (comment #744). The last statements you wrote about pushing yourself to “try harder” and “pay more attention” were your perfectionist inner critic telling you that the answer to defeating your age-old foe of perfectionism is to be even more perfect!!!
I hope that draws a smile of awareness. Your answer isn’t in defeating perfectionism, it’s in embracing it. You can do that by understanding why it’s there, and how it works for you, even though you hate it. When you do a self-inquiry, usually you will find that you put that voice there as a child to protect or save you from something, and you still use it with others you love because subconsciously you believe it will save them as well. Perfect is what you think you have to be in order to be what? Accepted, loved, belong, get taken care of…?
Whatever your answer is, you probably put that belief in place when you were a child and “realized” (made real) that your well-being and even survival depended on the adult caretakers in your life who seemed to need you to be perfect in order to accept you, love you, etc… If that was actually true, then they were probably caught in the same mental trap that they passed on to you, unconsciously hoping to save you as well.
As an adult, you can end that cycle now by going back in your mind and soothing and embracing that little self by recognizing that you were actually RIGHT back then. Being more perfect did work in your childhood situations, and it was actually a brilliant strategy for gaining acceptance, love, etc! When you have validated yourself enough, then start to check to see if you really still need that strategy to be accepted and loved or is it just getting in your way. Ask yourself, if you did something wrong and admitted it or laughed, would your loved ones really leave you or would they be relieved? Learning to laugh at yourself is the first step toward laughing with your loved ones when they make mistakes, too.
Once you stop fighting your perfectionism and learn to embrace it, you get to appreciate the good parts – like the standard of excellence it provides for you without even trying – and leave the criticism, stress and frustration behind.
As I said to Lisa above, if you would like further assistance with this, please let me know at my parenting and personal growth website. Perfectionism does not have to be painful. There are plenty more how-to steps that can help you embrace it quite quickly.
http://www.languageoflistening.com
LisaAR says
Thank you so much for this. I really needed your words today.
Frankie Segura says
Dear Hands Free Mama blogger,
Thank you for writing such a beautiful entry. I have no had a chance to explore the rest of your blog, but this entry truly touched me and inspired me to write about this in a blog I have just started. I’m so glad you put this together, it really goes to show how important it is to take a moment to ourselves and realize our actions – especially when it affects the ones we love the most.
Looking forward to reading more of your blog!
-Frankie
Lily Byrne says
Thank you for this post, its wonderful. My mum treated me like this and I’ve always been determined not to treat my daughter this way so I’m trying my best 🙂
Kristin says
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggles, your joy being a mom. Sharing!
Julie says
A FB friend posted a link to your post about yelling today which I read and it hit home with me. It hit very hard. I am a yeller and I HATE it. I over-react to most of the little mishaps that my kids have and I HATE it. I could relate to so much in that post. Then I read this post and I am in tears. I can relate to everything you wrote about and I want to change. Today I am going to start using the STOP you did and then using the Love, only Love today. This will be my first step. I am so very thankful to have found this site.
Sherrie says
Wow! Reading this is like looking into the mirror for me. I see so much of my own actions in what you have described. This has almost brought me to tears. I am a perfectionist and a bit obsessive compulsive with things and I, too, can never live up to the standards I set for myself and the ones I love the most are the ones who suffer. I am a very emotional person and have been worse since my father passed away in 2008. I carry a lot of anger around with me and depression and anxiety follow me through my steps of life. I hate feeling and reacting this way and hurting the ones I love is the last thing I want to do. I’m glad you shared your experiences. It lets others know there is someone out there that knows exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. I’m hoping to get to read your book and praying it helps me make the changes in my life that I need to make. Thank you!
Jeri says
You speak to my soul today. Thank you so much. Today is the day the bully stops. Only love.
Tamazin Heher says
This was a lovely essay about something that so many moms struggle with. Thank you for your honesty. I teach a class developed by Christine Carter “Raising Happiness” about the importance of being good and kind to ourselves so we can be authentically present for our kids. I will share this with my clients. Thank you!
Courtney says
Rachel,
I am literally in tears as I read your blog this morning. I’ve read your posts before, but honestly, due to my very hurried, frazzled existence, I don’t keep up with anything for very long. I am always worried about the next thing, the next text message, the next Facebook post… my heart aches because I see myself in so many of your posts. This one hits particularly close to home as it reminds me of the relationship I have with my first-born. I am on my way over to Amazon to purchase the Kindle version of your book right now. I so desperately need to become a Hands Free Mama.
maria f. says
Oh so nice to meet you, Rachel.
“It’s hard to love yourself when the one person who’s supposed love you unconditionally doesn’t.” WOW. Hit the nail on the head, you did.
David Knight says
Where can I buy a copy of your book that is just out? You are amazing. I thank God that my daughter-in-law told me about you.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you, David! You have truly blessed me with your kind words and support of my book! Here is the link to Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Free-Mama-Putting-Perfection/dp/0310338131
It is also available many other online sites: https://www.handsfreemama.com/hands-free-mama/
Or you can find it in the major bookstores now. THANK YOU!
Natalie says
I wish so bad I had of read this 30 years ago.. Thank you so much for sharing..
Natalie says
As the tears began to fall, all I could see was the mother I was 30 years ago.. I wish I could of figured it out like you did.. Through it all, I have 2 amazing grown children who made it through my bullying.. It sickens me to know that I was indeed a bully to them as well as my self.. As of today I will make a vow to apply these teaching into my life.. Thank you for the beautiful way you put it..
Jennifer Sachs says
This is me and I am so sorry and I really want to do better. I really do!
Amanda says
Me too. Thank you for this.
Bullied says
So glad you and your daughter and family are on a healthy road to recovery. I was always the “sensitive child” and I’m wondering if you knew of any good books to read on how to deal with someone like the person you once were. I never thought it would happen once I became an adult, but I have been bullied by bosses and co-workers and don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know why people like to pick on the ones, like me, who are quiet and never cause any trouble. One woman told me she was reading a book about this that directed her to apologize to the bully for her part in the situation. I was horrified at this idea. I just feel that doing that allows you to be bullied twice and makes the bully feel justified.
One boss told me that he was treating me “like crap” for my own good so that I would learn to stand up for myself. Thank you in advance for any help.
Theresa Kellam says
Rachel has asked me to help respond to her readers. It sounds like you feel trapped in a painful place with those who are in authority. It may also feel like everyone has authority, but you. Somewhere along the line you might have had to give up your voice, because it was too scary to stand up for yourself. Perhaps your fears and feelings were dismissed when you needed someone to understand. These relationship patterns are often a result of a childhood wound. We all get stuck in the place we need to heal. While it seems unfair to be hurt and then on top of that to be stuck there, being stuck is an opportunity to focus our energy where it is needed the most. The surest path out of a wounded pattern is, ironically, to be compassionate toward the people with whom you feel stuck. It doesn’t mean you have to apologize, just see the world through their eyes and be honest in a caring way. As adults, when we think about how the bully feels and try to understand that person, we cultivate the power of compassion which will most certainly heal us, but also has the potential to heal others. Simple statements to a bully like “Sounds like you feel angry” or “It feels like you are trying to change me” communicate your power in the situation and the bullies responsibility for their feelings. The art of this is summed up in a wonderful little book by Pema Chodron “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.”
Laurie says
Wow. Wow. Wow. Did I ever need to read this post. So glad I happened upon it (through a link from Be More with Less). I am going to put post-its all over my house with “Stop! Only Love Today” to remind myself and make it a habit….rather than my horrible criticism and yelling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (love your blog)
Trudy Willis says
I’ve just discovered your blog tonight through a friend’s share on fb as I’m always looking for mom blogs that help me feel like I’m not alone…not the only “monster” mom out there ruining the beautiful blessing the Lord gave me in an innocent yet precocious child. Clearly I know all about bullying myself…and I have started recognizing my bullying of my amazing carefree child that I am breaking. I never saw it as bullying until now but knew it felt totally awful and wrong…and I believe in calling a spade a spade. I believe in accepting responsibility for my actions…right or wrong and then amending them. I try very hard to be the one who admits my mistakes and pray for the “me too” but seldom get it in my narrow circle of friends. We are primarily child protective social workers or counselors or parenting coaches and the pressure is even higher to be “the perfect parent”…especially amongst each other. Thank you more than you know for allowing me the me too outlet and camaraderie that permits me to make mistakes and not have all the answers despite all of my education and experience in child development, psychology, parenting and nurturing. Bless you and the release and peace you’ve helped me find in just one night. Looking forward to more and slowly changing myself and releasing my son from my chains. You are truly a remarkable person.
Muffinmom says
Thank you for this post. I read this and “Who You Are Now Matters Most” within minutes of each other. this is incredibly helpful for letting go of both things in my childhood and mistakes I have made as a mother. My mom was a “bully” to me and now she is the best mother and grandmother I could ask for. I was “bully” to my first born daughter because that was what I was familiar with. I have since then loosened a lot (sometimes I have little trip ups) and I am glad I have changed. However the memories of my “bully” mommy technique give me incredible guilt. My daughter is the smartest, brightest, kindest, most helpful girl I can ask for and those memories weigh heavily on me. Hearing that you and others can relate is assuring (I’m not evil for getting so mad at her over silly things) so.. thank you, thank you.
Nidhi says
Your blogs are like someone is writing my life out there. Thanks for echoing these things back and making me see reality.
Jennifer says
Such a beautiful and poignant post. I am so grateful for your words and journey, and that you are sharing it with others like me! My two daughters are still quite young, but I still find myself being their hardest critic, and it fills me with regret. I hope I can instill more love into our interactions everyday starting now! Thank you for your example.
Jennie says
Thank you…
Scarlett E says
I am the oldest of five children and I am very grateful that my mother had patience for all her children but especially for me. I say this because it appears from most of the comments that this anger or bullying behavior seems to be targeted towards oldest children. It breaks my heart. My mom always told me that I was her greatest teacher because I was her first child. She loved me and never ever put me down. And I am thankful for that because the sibling after me was a little hell raiser, and I was never ever blamed for his actions. My parents always made all of us responsible for our own actions. I have two sons and love them and now say that my first born has been my greatest teacher and I will always have a special spot in my heart for him. I tell both my sons that I love them everyday. With all this being said, thank you for being aware of what many of you have been doing to your children and vowing to change. Remember that your first child teaches you what no other child will teach you. They should be special.
Ryan says
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been following your blog post for awhile now and I have bought your new book. This is very hard for to admit but I too am the bully too close to home, I say hurry up all the time, and I yell too often. I have been trying to figure out when it all started to turn this way. Why the older my three kids have gotten the harder it is for me to just relax and be, to enjoy life and the little moments. I feel like I am always rushing, trying to beat a time clock, and live up to everyone else’s expectations. However, I now know that it myself that sets these expectations, no one else….just me. I have disconnected myself as of today….I will no longer be an FB account holder, one who checks her cell phone a gazillion times a day. I think I fell into the SAHM mode of always having to say yes, being perfect, and always staying connected. Unfortunately it is my family and my three precious children that are suffering. I am losing out on the everyday moments that all add up to precious moments that will be gone too soon. I thank you for sharing your story. I am so ready to begin this journey and heal the relationships in my life. I feel so ashamed of how I have acted and am afraid that my children will not benefit from this. How long did it take for you to see a noticeable difference? My girls are 7, 4, and 3. Thank you again….
Marie says
I found this article on MSN today, and I have to say every word is so me. I am critical with my kids, myself, my home, my life! And it needs to change. My kids, especially my oldest son get the brunt of my anger when things don’t go according to plan, messing up my flow/schedule. It is going to change today. Thank you for being brave and putting this down in words for all of us to read. This has opened my eyes to who I need to be for my children and family.
Chris King says
This is the second blog entry from you that has had me fighting back tears (at work). Your recollection of how you used to be is so much like me that it is painful, because I am way too hard on myself for imperfections and minor mishaps and, as a result, too hard on my own 2 amazing daughters. As a divorced parent I do not get nearly the amount of time I would like with them. Because I’ve been a nitpicker and a “yeller” they have a certain amount of fear of me. I am painfully aware of this and have been making a conscious effort to change my reactions. Your posts are great reinforcement as I’m sure your book and references to the theorangerhino.com will be. I want to eliminate the thoughts of “dad gets mad” from their wonderful little minds and I thank you for sharing your imperfections with the world so I could see that I am not alone in my struggles and that they can be corrected.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for taking the time to write, Chris, and let me know that my words have made a difference. I won’t forget your message of hope. Today is a new day.
Trina Higgs says
Diving in head first. The Bully Too Close to Home is so me. Lord, what I’m doing! Rushing the time away. My poor kids. Thank you Ms. Stafford for you words. Today is the beginning of change….only love today.
Jess says
I hope all is well. I am writing because I am doing a project in school where we are designing a device that will be used by children to alert a trusted adult when they are in an unsafe situation or feel they are being bullied. We are not actually manufacturing the product but need to do all the research as if we were. My team has created a survey we need to have responses to by parents. If you would be willing to take a few minutes and take the survey it would be incredibly helpful to me and my team! Also if you would be able/willing to send out to other parents it would be much appreciated! Here is the link https://bostonu.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_3w2faAvRFIWelqB Any help would be awesome
Christie says
Thank you for your honesty and courage…I wish more of us would follow suit. This website is a gift-thank you!
Fran says
Thank you !… is not enough but having being my self to this situation as a child … i can’t thank you enough for putting my feelings and thoughts into words , just to read over and over again just to remind me and now as a mum i find it quite challenging to NOT stick with the way i grew up, but this is to the people that have the inner strength to fight it and grow better and happier children and again i can not thank you enough, someone shared it with me and it was like a wake up call into my questions that were swimming n the ocean and just wanted something someone to put it together. thank you
Debbie Karrasch says
After criticizing my 21 year old daughter and feeling awful because of it, I found this blog. I feel so bad because I did this to my daughter while she grew up. My question is can I fix this at her age or is it a lost cause?
Sandy Blackard says
Debbie,
Rachel has invited me to respond to readers requesting parent coaching. I appreciate you taking the time to contact me on my website to be sure I saw your question.
It sounds like you are worried about your relationship with your daughter. If that’s what you are hoping to fix, as Rachel and I have said many times, it’s never too late to connect with a child. Every child’s fondest wish is to feel understood, loved and appreciated by her parents, regardless of age. The many comments on this post from grown children of critical parents verify that.
The good news is that you now recognize that criticism is not helpful for your daughter. When she was growing up, you might have thought it was. From your guilt, I suspect you were caught in the age-old trap of thinking that the best way to help someone do something right is to point out what they are doing wrong. It may seem to work, but in parenting it has the nasty side-effect of creating an inner-bully in kids that shows up to “help” others when they decide they or someone else is doing something wrong. It’s probably what happened to you if you have an inner-bully of your own.
By contrast, looking for the highest intentions behind a person’s actions is a much a more effective strategy and has the wonderful side-effect of building connection. For example, in the case of grown children pushing us away because all we do is criticize, accusing them of trying to eliminate us from their lives (more criticism) would make them push us harder. Instead, acknowledging that their true intention is to feel good about themselves so they can live independent, happy lives would open the door for connective solutions.
A great place to start with your daughter would be to have a heartfelt conversation about your intentions and how bad you feel about your criticism. Encourage her to share the true intention behind any action you criticized her for, so she can finally feel understood.
Having been raised with criticism, she may be also be battling an inner-bully and may be angry or critical of you for putting it there. If you accept her anger (because it makes sense for her to feel angry if her intentions were continually misunderstood) and apologize for your actions, you will have the chance to start to work together to come up with other ways you can help her, since that’s your true intention. That would be you stepping from judge to coach where you can find out from her what actions and strategies she feels would actually be helpful and work with her to apply them.
I explain more about how to leave judgment and criticism behind and respond to children’s intentions (instead of reacting to their actions) in this reply to Zoe about changing her reactions to her child’s non-compliance in another one of Rachel’s posts: https://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/03/03/the-ten-minutes-that-changed-my-distracted-life/#comment-101598
Even though the examples I gave Zoe were for younger children, the same approach applies to all ages. Understanding your daughter’s intentions first and working together for solutions will give you a new way to interact with her so she feels truly supported and loved which is what you intended all along.
http://www.languageoflistening.com
Karin Raymond says
How true your article is… thank you for writing it.
Kat says
I know this post is a couple of years old but I had to comment. I’m sitting here reading it in tears. I’ve just dropped my 4 yr old off at school. He was so upset this morning, wouldn’t calm down even waving at the window. He loves school. Today he didn’t wanna go. Why? Because of me. Because of the way I spoke to him over breakfast. Because once again I was angry for getting up too late, having breakfast too late. It’s my fault, I should get up earlier, give him longer to eat his breakfast. I know this and it makes me angry so I let it out on him. I feel so awful. The teacher even called me half an hour later to tell me that he’s ok. She could see how much it upset me, what she doesn’t realise is that it was my fault he was so upset. I have to stop being so hard on him. Thank you for this post. I will do this. I love my son so much, he is amazing and I don’t want to ever hold him back.
April Rains says
Thank you for this.. I needed to read this. As I read this, I cried because it described me to a T. & I felt guilt & sorrow for it all. Thank you, I will do better.
Helen tasker says
I’m so glad that I read this. I find myself blaming the older of my children for their younger siblings mistakes, I put it almost as if they should know better. However I have came to know the error of my ways and always listen to both sides of a story.
Hannah says
Thank you thank you thank you for this post.
I cannot express my deep relief that i am not the only mummy who feels this way, who takes out their anger/dissatisfaction with life on their children.
My eldest is four years old and I am exceptionally hard on her. I am mean sometimes. On occasions I have called her stupid. I have ignored her. And on them days she is a shadow of herself. She has run away from me when making an honest mistake in fear of my rebuttal. And it tears my heart apart.
Before reading this I thought I was the worst mummy in the world, that I was unworthy of having her. I go to bed full of self loathing and hatred and cry.
After reading this, I am determined to be better. I will not be the best mummy in the world, but I will be my best self.
Thank you.
Suzanne says
Thank you I needed to read this xx
Stephanie says
I desperately needed this tonight. I see the fear and pain in my 6 year old eyes. I love him so much and I am smothering him with my criticism. Thank you for this post.
KDB says
Wow I loved reading this. I’ve seen it in my sons eyes who’s only 5. I know his dimmed light is only because of me. I do better in so many ways but I still have lots to change. This was a beautiful and timely article for me to read and relate to. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty.
notthestateofmyhouse says
Thank you for sharing your journey! It’s an encouragement to those of us realizing how we impact our children and are determined to change.
Michele says
“We’ll love you, just the way you are, if you’re perfect.”
I try to read this entry every once a month or so. Although I don’t follow along with Alanis Morissette’s music these days, I remember as a teenager how much her lyrics resonated with me. This song still makes me still up every time I hear it, and your post no matter how many times I read it does the same..
Greg says
I am thankful our Heavenly Father brought this to your attention before it was to late to make it right. I grew up going through the tearing down, being blamed for what I had nothing to do with, taking a beating for something my brothers did. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
I repeated everything I experienced in my life, with my own children. I did not realize this until it was too late. Everyone of my children have a very critical spirit and say very hurtful things when something isn’t going the way they think it should. They are all young adults now and two of them have a child of their own.
I did not only do to my children what I learned growing up; the mother of my children was as critical and negative as my own mother. I married what I was familiar with. 18 years later the marriage was over due to her unfaithfulness, those 18 years. Ten years later I was deceived into believing I was marrying a Godly woman. Turns out she was even more critical than I ever experienced. Who I married is all I had ever known my entire life.
I can say with all honesty, our children are and will be the mirror that reflects who and what we are or were. Our children become what we raise them to be.
Proverbs 22:6(KJV)
6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
There is not a more true statement ever made concerning a child than Proverbs 22:6
We as parents have the power to control what direction our children go in life. Who they become. How they treat others.
We can train them to build up or tear down!
We all come into this life crying for life, but many go out begging for death.
God breathed life into man. Lets no breath death into the life God gave?
Let someone hurting, know they matter. Lift them up with your words today and breath life into a broke spirit.
Proverbs 18:21(KJV)
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Death or Life! which one do you love?
Stacie says
I know you’ve received hundreds of comments to this post, but I came across it at a moment when I really needed to read your words. All I have to say is thank you. You have no idea how much this helped.
Carrie says
Idk if anyone will read this as this blog post is now a few years old… And maybe even if no one does it won’t matter… I’ll have my thoughts and feelings voiced for once and maybe that will be enough.
This post… Brought me to that kind of silent crying. The one where the tears come with no warning and it’s gross and painful but it feels good to get it out and you can’t make a sound.
But for me, I’m not a mother. Technically.
I am a 20-soon to be 21 year old girl. I am the oldest of three. My mom… Has been a single mom since I was 6. And I remember when I was younger that her being busy made her tired. Her being tired made her cranky. Her being cranky meant I was going to get yelled at if I messed up.
All my life I have walked on eggshells with her. She struggled with balancing school and work and parenting… So I… Became the co parent.
I started helping take care of my younger siblings from a young age. At first… It was hard but it was okay. I understood why.
Now I’m 20 years old. And I realized my mom has… Learned and grown accustomed to me co parenting. But it’s screwed my own life up.
Now I’m the single mom in a way. Taking care of three children (my mother being included in that list) and I had to drop out of school because I just couldn’t balance everything. I’m at that age where I should be out in the world and learning who I am and what I want. But I’m here caring for my mom and raising my siblings.
Because of this I find myself in both the oldest daughter role, constantly being “bullied” for never doing things right, as well as the “bullying mother” to my siblings.
My youngest sibling is now 9. He struggles with ADHD and a learning disability. And now I know the STOP word really might be a way for me to break the cycle.
I’m sorry if this comment upsets the mothers and fathers on here… As I am technically not a mother myself. But I really wanted to express my gratitude for this posting. It’s opened my eyes and I feel… Like I might actually do something right in my siblings.
Thank you so much.
Rachel Stafford says
Dear Carrie, I am the author of the post and I want to tell you how BRAVE & strong I think you are. What you have shared here will help many, many parents. It will help them understand from a child’s point of view what this treatment does to a person’s soul and future. I am so sorry that you have not been able to be a kid … to be able to make mistakes and try again … to be able to confide in your mother about things you messed up on … to be loved “as is.” My prayer is that at some point you might be able to tell her what you have shared here. And that she might listen and consider your perspective. I pray she learns from you as you begin to adopt the “STOP” method to breaking the cycle of criticism. Most of all, I pray that the little voice inside you becomes a voice of grace and understanding. That you can say things to yourself that you did not hear, like … YOU ARE ENOUGH … you are doing the best you can … This is good enough for today … come as you are, beautiful one.
I will be thinking about you and hoping for positive change for you, dear one. You have given us all a gift by sharing your story. Love, Rachel
Carrie says
Rachel, first let me say that I am amazed you replied let alone read my comment! I know how life often gets in the way and as the post is an older one I had assumed that my comment would have been lost amongst the crowd as so many things do in real life let alone the vast Internet. It’s amazing to know you listen 🙂 (something many people don’t do enough of these days. )
Thank you for your words. The normal me wanted to protest, as… I don’t think I’m brave or strong. But yet again, that is self criticism and I am trying to stop that, so I thank you. 🙂
I have found that just in the span of a day, I have felt and seen the difference my inner change has made on my household. My little brother has fought me less with each opportunity I have found to stop myself from freaking out and snapping at him. I’ve paused each moment he has frustrated me and instead of groaning and complaining or sighing I have smiled and changed the situation around.
Mornings in this house are usually a hurried frenzy of colors and screams but today he laughed as he put his uniform over his pajamas in his sleepy daze, and it warmed my heart.
So it is I who should be thanking you. Thank you for showing me how I can stop the cycle of bullying and help my favorite person in the world before it was too late. 🙂
Rachel Stafford says
Wow! Carrie, this is quite amazing the change that is already happening. I think awareness is everything … and you are proving that just by being aware of how you want to talk to yourself and your siblings, there is a positive difference. I feel so much hope when I read your words. Keep me posted, ok? Much love to you!!!
DDscribbler says
So glad you broke the cycle between you and your daughter.
I experienced something similar, but it never changed. The upshot has been a massively negative effect on my life and my sense of myself. I’ve fought hard to believe I was anything other than clumsy, stupid and useless (my mother’s words).
Children deserve better than criticism, rebuke and belittlement.
Very happy for you and your daughter – may all your tomorrows shine ever brighter.
Rebecca says
I’m scared of who I have become. I feel like I am spinning out of control and my boys are getting the brunt of all my anger. I don’t know what to do.
Paulette says
When we except our own truths, a question always fallows…
Now What?
And with that we experience personal growth.
jeremie lederman says
Rebecca, you do know what to do. get a counselor or professional help… no excuses. stop abusing your kids and get help. There are amazing resources out there that can genuinely help you dig up the roots and help you love yourself again.
Snitch says
I understand where you are at. Is there a way to grab even 10 minutes for yourself? Is there anyone to watch your children while you go for a walk? You would be surprised how this will help. The fresh air will clear your head, and the physical movement will elevate your mood by releasing endorphins in your brain. This will help you decompress. I would also suggest you might reach out to Jesus, He is always available to you, just call His name. He is a wonderful, non-judgemental listener. You can even yell at Him, and He will not turn away. He is a forever friend.
Sandy Blackard says
Rebecca,
Rachel asked me to reply to “Lost Dad” above, who like you was deeply concerned about the way he found himself responding to his children and felt like he couldn’t catch himself in time to use Rachel’s “Stop! Only love today,” suggestion. I’m hoping that my reply to him (#388 above) will speak to you as well. If you would like additional support, you can contact me at my website (linked to my name) or my colleague, Dr. Theresa Kellam, Psychologist here: http://www.theresakellam.com
Muffinmom says
I think realization is the first step. In fact, its a monumental step. Find a source of healing: therapy, writing, reading, running, painting, building, charity work, etc. Something to make you breathe. And keep reading this blog. You aren’t alone.
Dee says
@ jeremie lederman:
I have to ask if you are aware that your post is:
– Judgmental
– Condescending
I also wonder if you are even a parent, and if so, have you never made a mistake?
No one is infallible, and I doubt very much you are, perhaps you are a paragon of virtue, but I sincerely doubt it…since you would rather tear someone down than be supportive in the genuine sense.
Your post is a back-handed slap.
This is a post from a woman who is unafraid to be vulnerable online and you have attacked her publicly, with your own opinion. It is not up to YOU or anyone else for that matter to tell anyone what actions to take. Do you know her personally? Are you a close member of her family? Was she asking you for help? I think NO is the answer to all those questions.
What right do you have to push your opinion of how she should act onto another person? You seem to have COMPLETELY missed the point of this post from her which is about acting in a certain manner, recognising it is harmful and ultimately coming to a realisation that changes need to take place and making the necessary changes to become a healthier person.
I suggest you reflect further on that topic, but I think perhaps you will not accept someone else’s opinion as much as you like to push your opinion on others. I wonder if you appreciate it?
Rebecca Miller says
I have taken the steps to help myself. I just think I get so angry and I lash out. I don’t Ever put my hand’s on my boys in anger. But sometimes I know the word’s can and have hurt just as bad. I saw my doctor today and am working on taking control of what has been going on with me. My boys are my life and I will always protect them and I know I need to fix what I have been doing to them. They deserve better from me.
Marty says
She’s abusing herself just as much as her children. In order for anyone to stop abuse to others, one must first stop the self abuse. There is truly no other way.
Sherrie says
Maybe she really doesn’t know what to do. Counseling doesn’t always help. I’ve been down that road. I’d feel better for a short time and everything made sense but in no time the same feelings would reappear. Counseling is definitely an option but not a guarantee that it will work for everyone.
Shanon says
Dee, I think Jeremie was replying to another comment, one which to me certainly was asking for help. Sometimes the support people need is someone telling them the honest truth and not stepping around what needs to be said, not sugar coating it so it doesn’t hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes the truth is ugly and it hurts. Jeremie was not rude, he was right. There is NO excuse for abusing your kids, and bullying is abuse. In fact the same person Jeremie was addressing his comment to posted just below yours and has bravely admitted she is seeking the help she needs.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you. That is so lovely of you to share and uplift with these suggestions. Thank you for what you said about me sharing my journey through a book to help others. You know my heart and that is comforting to me, friend.
G.Bailey says
Thank you for sharing story today. I really needed to read this today. I have a daughter who is so kind and helpful. We haven’t really appreciated how much she likes to help, until I came down with strep throat. Every morning she has woke me up so sweetly to let me know it’s time to take my medication and drop her off at school. She wakes me to ask if I’m hungry or just to my temporary. She has been a huge help to her father while I’ve been sick. We haven’t acknowledge how much she does help or even thanked her for it, but today that’s going to change. Instead of telling her no she can’t help, I will find way to include her to help. There never to many hands to get a job finished, so I will slow down and find time her to help us no matter what it is. I have been reading your blog for about six months and each week it is so helpful, but today its been up lifting. Thank you for writing each week. I can’t wait to read your book.
Mark Wallace says
very guilty of this, been trying to change it for a while now, very hard to do.
Snitch says
Thank you for opening your life to a group of strangers, I know how hard it can be to open yourself up to criticism. You have taken my thoughts and deeds and put them on paper.
This was me. Unfortunately, this came 28 years too late. I have already hurt my daughter. I have stained her, and unfortunately, it was ALMOST TOO LATE. I am Blessed to have a grown daughter who is a wise old soul. She did everything in the world to be the opposite of me. But, through much prayer and God’s grace, I was able to repent to my daughter by admitting my mistakes and asking for her forgiveness. Since I have repented, we are taking baby steps to rebuilding our relationship as two grown women. I have many regrets, but I cannot walk forward if I am always living in the mistakes of the past. Today, tomorrow, and forever more, I am going to STOP, and choose to Give Love.
Tracey says
Omg…I find this so helpful. .its me and I need this book…how can I find it to buy
Marla Mulvany says
This sums it up pretty good. I was willing to read the post but I wanted my dh to read and was thinking it was to long.. I will forward him your post. I have to take the “LOG OUT Of my eye” and say I will make the commitment to not get angry to were I sin in it. Getting angry Ok sometimes. It not a sin in its self. Jesus got angry at the money changers in the temple and Jesus did not sin. I will send this to him your comments. I think it is to the point.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I just read your lovely piece, Brandon. Thank you for spreading my message even further by sharing your own eloquent thoughts.