“This is not the end of me,
This is the beginning.
Hold on.
I am still alive.”
-Christina Perri
I Believe, 2013
He was a new friend of mine. We had a class together, hung out at a few parties, and I’d helped him on a paper at the campus computer lab. So when he asked me to go out with some of his friends late one night, I thought, ‘Why not?’ It would be fun to hang out with a different crowd than usual.
We played pool at a downtown pub for a few hours, and then headed back to campus. We’d just entered the mile-long entrance to the college when the unexpected happened. The driver of the vehicle announced he would be turning off the headlights “for fun.”
Even in the light of day this particular road was quite difficult to maneuver. I’d always chosen the back entrance due to this particular road’s narrow shoulder and dangerous curves.
I could feel the car escalating to a higher elevation with every sharp bend. Although I could not see the drop off that plummeted into a deep ravine, I knew it was there. One wrong turn of the wheel would change everything.
I desperately wanted say, “Okay man, that’s enough,” or “C’mon, turn the lights back on,” but I could not speak. I was paralyzed in the backseat, gripping the door handle so tightly that it felt like my fingernails were bleeding. As the wind blew my hair back with a powerful force, it dawned on me that my window was open. That’s the moment I began plotting and planning my survival.
I decided that if the driver would take the curve too fast and lose control, I would jump out the open window. Then I would hang onto the edge of that steep incline with all my strength. I imagined myself being discovered at daybreak by my favorite English professor heading to her office to start her day. There I would be, hanging on, my fingernails filled with dirt.
As the driver continued swerving this way and that way into pitch-black nothingness, I prayerfully repeated my plan: Jump. Hang on. Dig your nails into the earth and don’t let go. Don’t let go. It is not your time to go.
Over the past six months, I’ve thought more about that terrifying ride than I ever have in my life. That dark, windy road has been working its way into my dreams. Several life stressors this fall have left me feeling anxious, frustrated, disheartened, and confused. When I fall asleep thinking about a particular worry, those are the nights the road comes into play. Interestingly, this recurring dream is not a nightmare. Nor is it a good dream with a happy ending. In fact, there is no ending. I always wake up before it is over, but one thing is for certain: I always feel comforted by it.
I can feel the dirt under my nails.
I can feel myself hanging on for dear life.
The fears I face don’t seem so bad the morning after I’ve been on that dark, windy road and survived to tell about it.
A few weeks ago I noticed that a writer friend of mine was going through a string of unfortunate events. When I reached out to her, she confided in me that in addition to the personal issues her family was facing, she’d received several rejection letters in regard to her recently completed novel. As I was about to express my support and concern, she added that whenever she got the rejection notices, she said something to herself that renewed her hope.
It was these two words: “Rachel believes.”
Little did I know that by declaring myself this woman’s #1 fan the first time I read her writing and consistently supporting her endeavors, I would one day enable her to hang on when she found herself wondering if she should give up.
It was not her time to go. I had the ability to remind her of that. I had the ability to point out the dirt beneath her fingernails that she might’ve otherwise missed. I had the ability to remind her that she was strong … talented … and the world needed her words.
And so I have. And my friend continues to send out query letters until she receives one yes. After all, one yes is all she needs. My friend and I have already talked about how we will celebrate her determination … her tenacity … her ability to hang on.
But this story does not end here. Due to the providential timing of this message coming from my fingertips, I am certain this message is meant to be expanded to include others.
Because 2015 was hard for many, many people.
For you, it might be going down as one of the worst years you can remember.
For you, it may have brought you to your knees more times than you could count.
For you, it may have left you breathless … hopeless … tired and weary.
But before you eagerly slam the door on 2015, I ask you to look down at your hands.
See that dirt under your fingernails?
My friend, that is beautiful. That is remarkable. That is significant.
You could have let go. But you didn’t.
You could have given up. But you didn’t.
You hung on.
You hung on.
And here’s what I believe:
I believe 2015 was not your worst year, but possibly your greatest.
Your Year of Greatest Strength
Your Year of Greatest Faith
Your Year of Greatest Hope
Your Year of Greatest Patience
Your Year of Greatest Risk
Your Year of Greatest Determination
Your Year of Greatest Courage
Just look at that dirt beneath your fingernails.
That is what you are made of.
Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it remarkable? Isn’t it significant?
It was your Year of Greatest Survival.
And you lived to tell about it.
Thank you for holding on.
Let us celebrate.
Let us celebrate.
The light overcame the darkness.
*****************************************
As I wrote this piece, a dozen faces came to mind. Several dear friends of mine have survived a very tough year. I am going to share this piece with them to let them know I see how much they have overcome. If you know someone who has hung on triumphantly, I’d be grateful if you shared this post.
In the spirit of celebration, there is FREE domestic shipping on all the beautiful items in the Hands Free Shop today (December 17, 2015) through December 21, 2015. Use this discount code: STOCKING. International orders can use the code for a discount on their shipping costs. Also, the super comfy & stylish LIVE HANDS FREE vintage t-shirts are reduced to $10 during this same time period. Domestic orders placed before Saturday, December 20 are expected to arrive by December 24th, but cannot be guaranteed. I’d be honored if you considered the prints or the bracelets as gifts to express your love & appreciation or to use as visual reminders for how you want to live in 2016.
Thank you, friends of The Hands Free Revolution, for being part of this incredibly supportive community seeking to let go of distraction & perfection to live more & love more today! You are my daily blessing.
Thank you. There are many days that your writings remind me to look at what I’m being tested with and remember that there are people and experiences to be enjoyed an to look forward to. It reminds me to find joy in the miniscule things, like dancing, waving arms and stomping feet, with my granddaughter because the music made HER move.
Have a wonderful day.
Tara
Thank you, Tara. This loving feedback means a great deal to me & inspires me greatly.
It is life-changing when we realize joy can be found in the most ordinary things if we pay attention long enough to see the ordinary can really be miraculous. Love to you and your precious grand-daughter.
Holding on with dirty, ragged fingernails. Thank goodness I never was a manicure kind of girl. Thank you, always, for believing when I have forgotten how. It is not my time to go. It is my time to go on. <3
“It is not my time to go. It is my time to go on.” Simply exquisite, Katrina. I will be adopting that as my mantra. Thank you for the gift of your words and your heart.
Deary me, that sounds like me–no make-up or muss or fuss and right now it seems acres of dirt under mine. I love that you said it is my time to go on. That’s what I needed to hear. Namaste.
Wow. Just wow. I needed this. Thank you for turning my perspective to see the courage, strength, faith, hope, patience, risk and determination it has taken to get through what definitely has been a difficult year for our family. Sometimes it takes someone else’s eyes to help me see. Thank you.
Once again it’s like your wrote this for me! The past 12 months have easily been the hardest in my 42 years. Thank you for this, and for every post your write. I thank god that someone in this world is “living right” and inspiring others to do so too.
Thank you for the reminder that the dirt under our fingernails, literal and figurative, is beautiful. This time of year, as we head towards the day that I find the holiest of all (the solstice), I think all the time of light and darkness, both the battle between them and the ways in which they give each other meaning. xox
I have started my journey on the path on living hands free. Your writing moves me so. I have yet to read something that doesn’t have some kernel of truth or wisdom, or that doesn’t strike a chord in my heart. Thank you for sharing with us.
I cried as I finished reading this and I’m still crying, I needed it so very much. I’ve had a string of hard years, after losing my father in 2013, and my daughter being diagnosed with SMA in 2012, now I’m facing my fifth surgery in the past eight months on Wednesday, which will leave me virtually blind in one eye. So many times as the hits kept coming I’ve wanted to just give up and curl up under my bed…But I’m holding on, I’m holding on and yes, that dirt is beautiful. Thank you for helping me see it.
Rachel,
I moved to a foreign country by myself with my dog because God told me to come here and minister to these people. My family and friends thought that I was insane because I didn’t know where I would live or where I would work. He knew all along. God put me exactly where He wanted me to be. I have never doubted it for one minute. Thankfully, I am mostly fluent in the language, but there were many, many times that I wanted to jump on the next plane and run home to safety. But, God didn’t choose that path for me. He didn’t want me to miss out on one glorious day. He didn’t want me to miss out on the blessings of friends that I will know and see for the rest of my life. He wanted me to teach two women to read and write who didn’t know the alphabet or how to recognize or write their own names. I can’t write all the blessings in a day. There are too many to mention.
This year has brought many challenges for me, but I never doubted Him or the reason I came. I’ll be returning home in February a completely different person. I’ve changed because of my experiences here. My character has always been that of a helper for everyone else. I am a person who does not ever ask another for help. That behavior was not an option here. I have had to ask strangers and friends for help over and over again. It’s still not something I like to do, but I did it. It has humbled me even more than ever and that suits me just fine.
Thank you for touching my heart… again.
Jeanine
Tears are falling. Thank you for this <3
Thank you.
I needed this today as I sit in the OB office waiting for another ultrasound. A difficult year, another military move and dealing with infertility. Thank you.
Hi Rachel,
Absolutely love this post. I am trying to purchase as an international customer and it is coming up the discount code is not valid….
Thank you
Amanda
Thank you, Amanda, for the kind words! My sister in law, Stacie, runs The Hands Free Shop. She will be happy to help you with the issue you are having. Sorry for the inconvenience! Here is her email: stacie@handsfreemama.com
You have saved my life more times then I can remember. I aspire to your candor, slendor and courage. I am a mom, who sometimes is amazing, many times not so much and often very defeated. Thank you for this message today. 2014 has been so aweful but thank you for helping me see…
Tears. Thank you for saying such beautiful words to me. I will never forget them. Never. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey. I am beyond grateful.
Thank you. I really needed this today. 2014 was a tough one.
Thank you, Rachel.
This is a timely post for many people. It has been a year of some upheavals and
unrealized dreams at my house. There have been many moments of tears, frustrations and fears. Now I can look back and see God’s hand in it all and I am so grateful that He has His own timing and that it is His grace that does not permit all of our prayers to be in answered the way we would choose. I am hanging on, hanging in and clinging to the One who will never let me go. He loves me “dirty fingernails” and all and He is whispering through it all to not let go. I am now in a place of peace and can enjoy this blessed season and end 2014 with high hopes for next year.
Blessings.
this was awesome. It made me cry because this has been a terrible year for me but I did hang on and will continue to hang on. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you
Thank you. For so many people I know personally- this was a very tough year. So many experienced many unforseen challenges and life turns. It’s been tough. My own life had an unexpected revelation/twist of events that I never saw coming and I handled it in a manner I never thought I would when faced with this news. I hung on. The love of close family and friends was the high point. The letting go of perfection and seeing what is truly important in life has been a gift this year. Sometimes we just need to hang on tight and get through it.
Thank you. 2014 has by far been the worst year ever for my family. With the loss of my mom and then my grandpa both of cancer, there were times I asked myself ‘how do I go on.’ We go on through faith, strenghth, love, and hope. 2014 tested all those but it has made all of my relationships stronger and prioritized my life.
I wanted to share your friend isn’t the only one that thinks of you in times of fear. I too do a similar thing. I’m embarking on a new journey in writing a blog and book. And I remember the time you took to email me. You said “please keep sharing your truths. It makes a difference.” I keep that email. It keeps me going when fear creeps in. Your writing brings a tremendous amount of grace to my life. xoxox
Thank you. Needed this.
There are a million blogs, a million books, a million authors, a million places to find reminders to live in the present, be mindful, choose another perspective, and so forth. And some of them are brilliant. But I know I’ve never encountered such powerful words on such a consistent basis ever in my life. In today’s post, you have outdone yourself. There’s nothing more to say… as I type on my tear-stained keyboard. I’m certain these words will live on in the hearts and minds of so many… this post for this year for these struggles and these triumphs.
Rachel,
Thank you for encouraging me to turn my previous comments into a blog post and for sharing it with your readers. There it is again, “Rachel believes.” You are one inspiring lady and just did it again with this post. Dirt under your fingernails and hanging on with clarity that it’s not your time to go! Woo-hoo! I love your energy and will carry it with me into 2015 as I strive to bring more hugs, more respect, and simple tools to parents and teachers everywhere. Thank you!
Everyday I get on Facebook and look for your post. It is not the only reason I get on FB, but it is the main one. I always want to leave a comment, but do not want to sound silly or too gushy because you write with such eloquence. But today-this post really spoke to me and although 2014 has been a good year, 2013 was not and so I read this and now think back to the end of 2013 and have a new way to look at it. On Jan 15, 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 36. I have two children and at the time they were 5 and 7. 2013 was my year of survival-not only for myself but for my two loves (and my amazing husband). I fought my butt off almost everyday of 2013 and when the year came to an end-I was glad, but I see that although 2013 was not my favorite year it was a good year in many ways. My family and Marine Corps community and friends demonstrated more love and support than this girl could ever think possible and I learned so much about myself and how strong of a person I truly can be. I decided at the end of last year that 2013 was my year to survive and that 2014 was going to be a year of healing-body and soul. And I want to thank you, because I found your blog partway through my year of healing and your words have been just that-healing for my soul. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words often bring tears to my eyes, aha moments, a smile to my face and heart, and always leave me feeling like I can walk through the day giving more love to my loved ones and myself.
One of the hardest years of my life. I’m so tired, but I’m not letting go, and neither is Jesus.
Rachel,
O own a small publishing company called Good Son Books. What type of book is your friend wanting to publish? Perhaps we could speak. My email is royrobbins@sbcglobal.net
I LOVE your posts and always share them with my friends and family on Facebook.
Roy
Thank you! I needed to read this!
Beautiful and wise. I’ve been on a drive like that a couple of times, and I know how the ghost of it can linger and cry. Thank you for what you shared here today.
Thank You!!! Thanks for writing and sharing this.
More true than you could even know. I had cursed 2014 as one of my worst years. 2013 was one of the greatest. You have helped me see it’s okay. I made it. I held on. I cannot wait to start a new year, with a new outlook on life.
Thank You seems not enough but all I can manage….. 2014 was by far the toughest, hardest, heart breaking, painful & exhausting year of my life. My finger nails are so full of dirt, I have given up trying to clean them! My arms ache from holding on for dear life. I was looking forward to putting it all behind me & focusing on the future with mostly negative thoughts about the year gone by……… Your post has helped me look at it all with a different perspective. Thank You. God bless & may you & your family have a very special Christmas & 2015.
This is so beautiful and rings deeply true for me.
This made me cry.. I lost my father in late January of 2014 and my mother in late September of 2014.. this has by far been the most difficult year of my life.. the feels of being lost and missing them are something that often haunts me.. thank you for helping me see the strength in what I am accomplishing…. even on days when I feel like that is very little.
Thank you!
I’m at a loss for the words, but my heart is full and overflowing …. you have been a gift from God for me this year, Rachel, and clearly many others feel the same. Your caring words bring a balm of grace and understanding to the often frustrating struggles with a strong-willed daughter, and the challenges of trying to balance so many parts of life at once. You give me new perspectives, the comfort of being reminded that we’re all in this together, and renewal of my emotional strength. You’ve even ministered to my ‘inner child’ in your posts about your sweet sensitive daughter. Thank you, and may you be richly blessed. <3 <3
Your words have touched me beyond measure.
Thank you for letting me know, Arlene. This means a great deal to me.
A friend of mine posted this to Facebook and reading it, I can see why. We actually met in hospital this year. We both had pretty serious cancer scares, both had surgery, both have come through it with a big red stamp of OK and the ability to go on not just next year but many years that we had earlier this year questioned having. I’ve had challenges with my reconstructive surgeries going awry and needing more surgeries to follow it up. The whole thing made me pretty miserable, tired and frustrated. But it wasn’t until I read this that I realised I need to start looking at myself differently and taking the pats on the back when they’re offered. Yeah, I had a really scary situation happen to me. Yeah I’ve now got some pretty wicked scars on my body. But I also managed to continue my degree part-time, work casual hours at my very supportive working environment, and juggle my life. Because of that I’ve just been given the nod to become an Honours student at my university and go to Scotland for a year next year – my first trip overseas and it’ll even let me visit friends and family in Japan along the way. Til I read your post I looked back at this year feeling it was pretty rotten and looking to, as you mentioned, slam that door very firmly on 2014 come NYE. But I don’t think I will anymore. I think I’ll choose to look, instead, at this year as the year that taught me I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I can beat cancer. I can become an Honours student. So now, anything that is thrown at me in life – I know I can deal with it. I’ve got friends, I’ve got family, and I now know I’ve got something else too – I’ve got me. And maybe my friends are right that I’m pretty damn awesome. Sometimes anyway. 😉 Thanks for making me see things with clarity. Happy Holidays and have a great 2015. xo
You are an inspiration, Hettie! I feel blessed by just reading your words that exude strength and hope!
Thanks Rachel. 🙂
Wonderful. Timely. Thank you.
This was my worst year. Your words are so right on. Thanks to my 2 yr old son I held on when given up would have been so much easier, after months of heartache and betrayal from my husband. My son taught me I could do it on my own, and for him became the best single mom I could be. I have found my strength this yr and am ready for what 2015 has in store for us.
This has me in tears. 2014 has been the worst year I can remember, and not just for myself, but for many of my friends and family. I have said for months that I cannot wait to kick 2014 to the curb, so thank you for this reminder of our victories and not what we have suffered.
This past year was probably one of the hardest years I have ever been through. I had skin cancer, had a hysterectomy, almost drowned in a white water rafting accident and went through a divorce. There were so many times I wanted to just give up. There were times I did not want to live anymore. I have 3 grown children and thoughts of them is what kept me from letting go of life. A year later I am in a much better place and I have hope that things will continue to improve. This post let me know I am not alone in my struggles – we all struggle at times. Thank you for your moving words.
nso crazy im 42 years young…when i wasb17 i was in a bad car accident i was clinally dead fire firefighters pumping my chest….keep in mind on whisbey island where my boyfriend jason adams lived…ambulance came took the long drive to oak harbor hospital…i woke up to electric shock on my chest…i needed this message right now….and im convinced now jamie is my angel. love u
well now….just found your site…and this particular post gave me a lump in my throat..in fact it HAS been a very tough year. I lost my father. I have questioned many of my beliefs and ideas. I have struggled as a parent. I have grown and I have died ( figuratively speaking of course). needed to read this. Thank you.
WOW. Rachel. So many of your blog post have touched me, but this one really did. I’ve had a lot of dirt under my fingernails. I’ve hung in there and continue to hang out after a really touhg year. Thank you for helping me remember to keep hanging on. I appreciate the message and needed to hear this in my life, and appreciate you.
We have had a really tough year here in 2014 and all I been saying is I glad 2015 is just around the corner. After reading your post I am changing my thoughts to our greatest year of all those beautiful things you wrote! I showed this to my husband and it brought him go tears He for sure has the greatest year of survival almost behind him thank you for changing this heart my u ou have a blessed Christmas and a very blessed 2015
Thank you, Kay. I am so touched by your story. Thank you for taking the time to tell me. Love to you and your husband.
This. Words fail to describe the significance of this. Thank you.
wow !!! ❤️My heart REALY needed to read this ! Yes I would say that this has been The worst year of my life !! But yes I have grown !!
My nails are dirty,chipped and hands are calloused and aged.
But despite the pain there has been much ground work for a harvest of joy!!
I am ready to inbrace 2015 !!
❤️MeLisa
I needed everything about this at the end of this trying year. Thank you, Rachel!
Wow… What a GREAT story! I can look back through my life (of 66 yrs) when I was in situations I shouldn’t really have been in, doing things I shouldn’t have been doing, putting myself and others in actual danger. But even in those times when I wasn’t living my life ‘as unto the Lord’ & when I wasn’t being obedient to my calling… God was there for me. He’s ALWAYS been there for me, just as He was for you Rachael. When I think about ‘dirt under my finger nails’ I think of how undeserving I am of His mercy. But just the same I have it. So yeah… that dirt has some serious meaning to me also!
Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to remember the countess times my Father has kept me and loved me with NO conditions but that I love His Son Jesus. And I DO! ♥
Hi Rachel,
I have been away on leave and could not access internet so I know I have missed several of your posts. I thought about your words as I went about my chores and as I spent time with my kids. I relate to the above post and thank you once again for recognizing that 2014 was hard to some of us. For me it was at work that the war was so tough but I hang on to faith and I never let go. It was my year of greatest faith and it paid off because God eventually got the person who was fighting me out of the way. Just like you are saying, we should never let go. Not letting go gives us the desired results. It was my greatest year of patience because at one time, I could see like things were not going as I hoped, but I told God that I would wait patiently no matter how long it took. And God paid my patience. I would encourage everyone never ever to give up because where we are unable, God is Able!
Wow. This article made me cry. This year has been so trying. I attempted to get out of an abusive relationship by moving across the country only to be court ordered back and stay in my ex’s home town because custody hadn’t been established. For 6 months, he had control over me and remained elusive about his overall goal. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to move on with my life. I have officially been in this place for 7 months only to be able to leave next month (with my son), after threats of Jim taking our son away from me, constant legal action, etc. I will finally be free in 2015. So many times during this journey I have wanted to give up, I have had nothing left and been beaten down to my core. Now I will finally have victory. Too many times did it feel like I was fighting a losing battle. All of the odds were against me, but I came out on top 🙂 It is nice to read this article and know I was not the only one.
Thank you
I wish you all the best, Melissa. You are truly an inspiration. I will be praying for you.
Thank you, Rachel 🙂
We hit the tree. Literally. Best thing that ever happened to us. We woke up at 22 to the fact that you should never put off anything till tomorrow. Lots of people get that wake up call at 42 or 52 or 62. Or never.
A dear sister sent me this ….2014 was spent fighting cancer at 34 miss3ng out on my kids’ lives due to sickness and ending the year with the love of my life asking for a separation. I decided that 2014 is a locusts year and God is planning the best year in the future to blind all the bad heartache from 2014. Thanks for writing. Blessings
Thank you… a timely message indeed. Last night, after a series of cloudy grey days, I was really struggling with depression. So thank you for this message about hanging on, and about what we can accomplish, just by hanging in there and continuing to work.
Words can not express how much this post and all of your writing has meant to me. I have only recently (as of this week) found your blog post through a post shared on facebook. Your words are truly magnificent and truly touching to so many.
This year was a very trying one for me and my family from facing a new addition of my step son moving in, the strain this placed on my marriage of only 1 year, to the loss of my 2nd unborn child. I can honestly say that this year could be marked as one of the worst in many peoples eyes but I look at the many blessings that have come from it. I have gained so much courage, strength, clarity, honesty, love and above all faith through this journey. The dirt I have under my nails is the determination of a woman who will not give up and who will find a way to move forward and embrace what life brings my way. Each year that passes just makes us stronger more determined and above all more grateful for the precious moments in each day.
Dear Rachel,
A friend of mine sent me this post today and it was exactly what I needed. This year I began my second battle with breast cancer. I was first diagnosed at the age of 35, then again at 43, eight and a half years after my first fight. (Please see/like my Facebook page: Dear Cancer, Love Stacy) I, too, have written about being a “hands-free” mom, understanding, even before cancer, what is truly important in life. But lately I have been guilty of wanting to usher this year out. You just turned that all around for me. To say this was possibly one’s greatest year of strength, faith, hope, patience, risk, determination and courage. . . what a beautiful, beautiful perspective. But when you said this was your “year of greatest survival,” well, I believe you were speaking directly to me. Thank you so very much for that. Love Stacy
I remember sending you warm meals for your family when you were first diagnosed with cancer. You didn’t accept anything and sent it all back. You would not answer or return any family members or friends’ phone calls. Dear Stacy, use your thousands of dollars to donate to cancer research instead of just lying to those who are suffering from breast cancer and mostly importantly to yourself. I don’t know how you live with yourself. The whole family sees right through your bullshit.
I was in tears after reading this. This is me and so many others. I lost my niece to suicide this year, everything else that is happening seems small compared to that but it has been a year and there is a lot of dirt under my fingernails. I’ve tried to clean them out but maybe I should just accept them being dirty and read your book. I really need a change in myself.
This could not have come on a better day for me. The money I had saved to buy a few small gifts for my kids and grandkids had to go to the electric company to keep them from disconnecting my power. After showering I found that I have a secondary infection on my toe, which is very serious for someone with diabetes. I can’t seem to shake a cold. All of this is after having the worst year of my life. I had to close my brick and mortar business and try to move to my house. My house is in foreclosure, I tried for a year to file for a re-organizational bankruptcy so I could save it, but had my application denied on December 1. I am waiting to get the auction sale date. I have no where to go, I am single, and 61. I not only have the dirt under my fingernails, but am covered by the mud from sliding down the hill. Every part of me hurts.I am still trying to hang on……but man is it hard!
Hi Leslie, I am deeply saddened to learn of your hardships — so many and they just keep coming. It would be my privilege to help you buy a few small gifts for your kids and grandkids. Would you send me an email? My email address is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
This was my 2013. Once I made decisions and followed through in healthy ways for me, many things turned around and 2014 has been one of the best years of my life!!!!
Ilost my 21 year old daughter and 18 month old grandson in a horrific automobible accident on Mar.2 &52014 . Yes i was tried and tested this year many times brought to my knees. I’m still here.
I am so sorry, Mary. My heart is with you tonight. May God bless you, dear one.
I’m completely in tears reading this article. THANK YOU!
2014 has been nothing less than brutal. I almost let go, but I decided to hold on. I have been counting down the days until 2015…hoping and praying for some mercy. But maybe I have been looking at it all wrong. Maybe as horrific and painful as this year has been, it is what I needed. Maybe I’m supposed to learn that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. Maybe I need to be reminded that I am stronger than I think. Maybe, just maybe, I am a survivor.
Exactly what I needed to read
Great post! I love the bit about letting go of distraction and perfection.
This is absolutely beautiful! I personally needed this as I am certain that so many others did as well! Thank you!
Rachel,
Thank you for this. My wife and I had a very bad 2014 and we are looking forward to the new year so that we can feel that this year and all of its culmination of problems can now be over and behind us. Don’t get me wrong, we are not blind to the fact that more unforeseen challenges and stresses lie ahead in the upcoming years, but we will relish this new year for a token of closure that it will be for us……for right now.
This year was particularly rough on us, I will spare you the details, and as you said, “it has made us stronger.” Truly it has. However, there were times of hopelessness. There were times where I could not be as supportive to my wife as I should have because I myself was weak from the suffering. I kept it in, I rarely expressed myself with my wife, I felt beaten, yet alone when the woman I have loved with all my heart for over 26-years was there to comfort me, right in front of me.
There were countless times where I would find myself crying alone because of the problems we had to face and I didn’t want my wife to see me in such a weakened state. Afterall, I had to remain strong for her so that we could both get through it together. It was not unlike using a muscle that you had never used before. It was not trained, it didn’t know how to respond to the pressures being applied. There were no right answers or any answers for that matter. Hopelessness checked in and there seemed to be no room at the inn for strength.
There are no manuals or instructions on how we are to act when situations that you have never experienced present themselves. We have done the absolutely best that I feel we could have done with each given situation that 2014 bore. Looking back and from what you said, strength got us through this year. We did survive, we were courageous and we could have let go, but we did not.
However, when going through some of what we went through this year, it was the masque of endurance that enabled us through. That masque can be misidentified as strength but when you are so weary, tired, hopeless and filled with dread, endurance can be the only thing that can pull you through it. The thought of just “getting through” the next day, the next week and the next month. That at times was what kept us sane.
As I think back to all the problems we faced in 2014, we still have some obstacles to overcome. However, the bottom line is our family has all maintained its health and we are blessed to have two wonderful boys that we love so much and they love us as well. Perspective is another endearing quality that I think we struggled with seeing this year and we would try and uncover it when we could to break through the fog that this year gave us. That seemed to allow us to find the strength that we needed.
We made it through 2014 and are so looking forward to seeing 2015. We have each other, our sons, our families and that and a place to call our own is really all we will ever need. Thank you so much for this article, it made me look at my fingers. I can appreciate the strength that they have been able to go through and support and know that they will serve me well when needed again.
Best regards,
Robert
All I am going to say is “Thank You for your beautiful words!”
2014 was such a difficult year for a family that used to be very dear to me. A lot of people got hurt, myself included….I have been anxiously awaiting a new yearly chapter to open. I’ve been so excited about seeing 2015 roll around. However, this whole story has changed my perspective and I agree with it…2014 taught me more about myself than I have ever known and I have a renewed faith that I can get through anything. Thank you for writing this and thank you 2014 for getting me through another year stronger than ever.
Thank you. Thank you so very much for this. You have put into words so perfectly what I have struggled to write about for 6 months. But here I am at the close of 2014 – tried, tested, and yes, still alive. Happy 2015 to you, and thank you, again.
Hands Free Mama is changing my life, my family’s life, in the most incredible ways. 2014 has been a horrible year for me and just yesterday we received some additional very horrible news. Due to legality reasons I can’t go into detail, but this post today has encouraged me to trust that although we have an easier way out, the hardest, most trying, but safest way for our family is the way we need to go. I need to have patience, and trust, and dirt under my fingernails from holding on. Thank you so very much for ALL you share with us, so many of your posts and your book speak straight to my heart. My life and my family’s life have changed in amazingly wonderful ways-even with all of the bad stuff going on around us-thanks to all that you share.
You were born to inspire Rachel. You probably didn’t realize it but when you became a mother everything fell into place and it was your time. Many of us are still trying to find our place in this world, and it is just a matter of time or timing while we are still learning. Funny how life has us on a path with so many turns and hills. Remind your friend of how much Sylvester Stallone persisted in getting someone to buy his script for “Rocky” I once was told he was told “no” eighty times before he got that final yes.
Wonderful article! Hanover College? Can’t be too many windy college entrances like that one…sounded very familiar.
Yes! That is amazing!
Thank you so much for the encouragement. 2014 was by no means exceptionally hard for me but it was challenging and God taught me so much from it.
Cheers to dirt between our nails Rachel. I absolutely love this post and the thoughtfulness (as always) that you put into it. Reading this brought tears to my eyes (in a good way) and as always I don’t know what to say, except thank you.
Wonderful post I found on FB and I shared the link. Thank you for this!
As they say, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Adversity helps us grow. Thanks for the lovely post.
Thank you for this reminder, that our most vulnerable moments have the capability of turning into our strongest. Lovely post and most appreciated, as we bring 2014 to a close and reflect.
My 2014 has been the worst year I could possibly have imagined. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer in January. My eldest son was diagnosed with cancer in February. The nightmare which began to unfold before my eyes was simply too hard to fathom. The year has passed in a blur of challenge, heartache and pain through many, many tears. My Mum passed away in September in between my sons inpatient hospital stays for chemotherapy. My son had major surgery in June and we were preparing to finish his treatment protocol this week. 3 weeks ago the leg he had surgery on to remove a very large tumour, broke and the hardware supporting his leg was damaged. We now have been in hospital for many weeks with more to follow. I have been tested in every way possible. Having to leave my husband and 2 younger children at home to travel 3 and a half hours for treatment for my son, long weeks in hospital without seeing them; my Mum having to be supported by her husbands family as I wasn’t able to care for her once my son was diagnosed; losing my Mum and now helping my son through his next challenge another major surgery to again reconstruct his leg. I used to think my life was difficult prior to these events. I used to think my paid work was the most important thing. I have always been on a path for perfection and have never felt that anything I did was good enough or as good as it could be. I have always been the ‘manager’, organising my family to within an inch of their lives….. everything this post talks about I relate to 100%. This year has forced me to evaluate, reflect and evaluate some more. It has rocked me to the core and I suspect it will take me a long time to truly process the way our lives have turned. I seek a better way to live, I seek calm. This post has helped me to think about how to do these things. Thank you.
Beautiful! Yes, and for those of us for whom 2014 may not have been the hardest, cling-to-earth-with-your-fingernails year; it may still evoke the memories of years that were, and left their dirt marks on our soul, trails of life and struggle now long passed, or not so long.
May we all have the strength to hold on, and the knowledge that someone will come, or knows, or understands. That we are not–any of us–truly alone.
Happy 2015 to you! Na’ama
Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece. 2014 has been a very hard year for me between aches and pains; self-medicating; drug use; depression; anxiety; working on my master’s degree then dropping classes due to poor choices; struggling financially; my car engine blowing up and breaking up with my fiance on my 30th birthday; moving back in with my parents; starting to build my life all over again and starting from the bottom; getting back on track with my schooling then hitting another road block with that; and then my sister being diagnosed with cancer, receiving a bone marrow transplant and her cancer laying dormant for 10 months and then finding out just yesterday that the cancer is not only awake, but that it’s terminal…I’m bookmarking this blog entry and will continue to look back at it when I start crying or having a pity party about how I’m ready for 2014 was the worst year for me. Thank you for the encouragement to put a positive spin on what I have looked back on as a pretty crap-tastic year!
2014 was the worst on record and the one I learned the most from. I have dirt. Serious dirt. And it is beautiful and remarkable and significant. Loved this post. ❤️
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it.
When you originally posted this article, I sent it immediately to a few close friends who had suffered from many challenges during 2014. As I re-read this article now, I couldnt stop the sobbing, realizing that 2015 is my difficult year. Our family has had one struggle after another after another. Then when I dont think we could get kicked any harder while we are down…another blow comes. I know I need to shift my energy and my focus but it has been so difficult to overcome this latest struggle of ours. I am the one who is down now and I am not so sure how to handle being the one who needs taken care of. I am finding faith, strength, hope and encouragement in your writing today. I will keep reading – some of your articles over and over again – because in your words I know I can find the strength to hold on, just for a little bit longer.
Thank you for this post. I went through a divorce this year and got out of a bad relationship and have been helping my young child through it all. You’re writing made me sob. Thank you for these words the speak to me deeply.
i’m pretty sure this post was for me! ;)) {{thank you}}
xox.
This was amazing to read, simply hit the nail on the head. I cried reading this because it felt so close to home. Yet as always a message of hope, survival, courage, strength and spirit.
Thank you for this post, I hold it dear and close.