I love spending time with my nephews. But because we live in different states and my daughters always monopolize their little cousins' time when we’re together, I rarely get alone time with them. But when I do, something magical happens. Time slows down. I become calmer, happier, and more attentive. I marvel at their long eyelashes and the way their small hands feel in mine. I ask them questions like, “How long does it take a tree to grow?” and marvel at the certainty of their responses. “’Bout five minutes,” beautiful Sam said when he was four.
When I am with my nephews it’s like getting a do-over. I get to do the things I wish I’d done when my daughters were three and five. But I didn’t because that is when I tried to control everything. That is when I worried so much about the outcome that I forgot to enjoy the experience. That’s when I counted my calories and my kids’ mistakes. That is when my voice was harsh more than it was kind. That’s when my phone ruled my thoughts and actions. That’s when I gave my time and energy to people I barely knew and had nothing left for the people I named myself.
But I try not to wallow in regret. It sucks the joy from today.
So instead I try to do better. And time with my nephews is a like a do-over. And it’s a reminder of what beautiful moments can come when you just hold a child’s hand and let him lead.
My nephews have a baby sister now. In her first few months of life, my sister-in-law would send me pictures of her sleeping. I’d study the photos and actually feel my blood pressure lower. One day, I got teary. The way my niece’s arms rested wide open and the peace settled on her tiny features made me cry as I wrote back to her mother: “Just look at the peace and trust she knows. That is all she knows.”
I couldn’t help but think that was not the case with my “baby”.
My child knows let down. She knows distance, agitation, and impatience. She knows what it feels like to have her hopes crushed like a paper airplane. She knows worry that makes it impossible to sleep. She knows confusion and the sound of my sobs. She knows a mama who breaks dishes in frustration. She knows a mama who broke under the pressure. She knows when it’s time to plug her ears and shut her eyes. She knows things I wish I could take back.
Looking at that picture had me wondering if I’ve let my baby down one too many times … if I’ve failed to be the positive and loving presence I aspired to be when she was born.
I could’ve done better, I think to myself more often than I’d like to admit.
But then I remember what day it is.
It is today. It is not yesterday.
Today all hope is not lost. Oh no—hope is not lost.
Today I can follow through.
Today I can listen, really listen.
Today I can say, “You can count on me,” and mean it with every fiber in my body.
Today I can use Soul-Building Words and swallow hurtful ones.
Today I can see what is good before I see what needs improvement.
Today I can pick my battles and choose love every chance I get.
Today I can bring peace to the breakfast table … to the front door … to the nighttime talks and then maybe, just maybe, that peace will begin to look like love and trust in my child’s eyes when she’s awake and in arms wide open when she sleeps.
I’ll never forget when I was packing my suitcase with a box of goodies to play with my nephews when I traveled to their state for a speaking event. My freckle-faced Noticer walked up to see what I was doing. She immediately picked up the brand new slinky.
“Oh wow! I love these. Did you get one for me?” she asked hopefully.
A twinge of sadness washed over me. “Well, no,” I said sheepishly. “I got it to play with your little cousins while Aunt Stacie has some time to herself.”
After a moment of silence my child said, “I am not too old for that.”
It’s not too late, a hopeful voice inside me whispered.
When I returned from my trip, I gave my daughter a slinky. We played with it on the stairs. She stretched it out as far as it would go and let it spring back. We laughed at the way our cat Banjo tried to catch it. My eight-year-old child loved the Slinky as much as the little guys did. Most of all, she loved spending time with her mom.
Suddenly I was reminded of the seven most hopeful words in the English language:
It is today. It is not yesterday.
Today offers a do-over, my friends. Let’s not waste it, shall we? The following list was inspired by my nephews, my daughters, my former special education students, and by my recent surgeries and healing process. I wish I’d done more of these actions when my kids were small, but here's the thing: It's not too late. I can do them now. And what’s more, these actions work on my husband, my parents, and my friends too. I am certain they will work for you and your beloveds too.
7 Small Actions That Can Greatly Impact the Life of a Child (Big or Small)
- Ask for their opinion
Whether it is: “What flowers do you think we should we plant in the yard?” or “How do you think our family should handle this?” asking your children to weigh in on a decision makes them feel important and valued. In addition, it provides great practice for them to make sound decisions without you.
- Let them do for themselves
Maybe it’s folding their laundry in their own way, pouring their own cereal, picking out their own clothes, or managing their time. By letting go of the need for tasks to be accomplished quickly and in a certain way, you foster vital life skills and confidence in your children.
- Listen with eyes, ears, & heart
Attentively listening to your children’s dreams, needs, and questions results in the ability to KNOW them. And when a person feels known, they feel loved and understood in the most powerful way possible.
- Kiss a forehead
When I was recovering from surgery, my husband got into the habit of kissing my forehead. It made me feel cherished in a way I could not describe. I began doing it to my daughter. I noticed she smiled the same way I did. A kiss on the forehead makes you feel protected and celebrated.
- Announce you have time especially for them
Some of the most powerful words you can say to another person are: “I’ve got ___ minutes and they are all yours. What do you want to do?” Although it appears to be a gift to the recipient, you may find yourself walking away from that time of connection feeling more peaceful and fulfilled than before you started.
- Give some breathing room
Let there be breathing room when it comes to the shot they missed. Let there be breathing room when it comes to their packed schedule. Let there be breathing room when it comes to their emotions. Taking risks, learning, growing, and expressing emotion mean there will be mistakes; there will be meltdowns; there will be challenges. Give your people breathing room to be human and you’ll see them prosper and thrive.
- Say “I love you” out of the blue
Rather than saving the words, “I love you,” for nighttime tuck in, departure time, holidays, or achievements, get into the habit of saying it when you feel it—like when her beauty astounds you … like when his giving heart shines though … like when you notice the joy they bring to the world. When the words “I love you” are not tied to situations or achievements, they are better emphasized, better heard, and better absorbed.
© Rachel Macy Stafford 2015
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Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, the release date for HANDS FREE LIFE is just two weeks away! If you have found value in the words that I write, I would greatly appreciate your support by pre-ordering my book. Every order enables me to continue doing what I believe I was born to do—write truths that offer hope, healing, and connection. Don’t forget that with any pre-order of HANDS FREE LIFE, you get a free e-book download of my NYT bestseller, HANDS FREE MAMA. Details here.
Throughout the next two weeks, I’ve been graciously invited by a collection of like-minded bloggers and authors to share my message with their online communities. Of course, I don’t write anything without sharing it with you too! The following list shows where you can find additional Hands Free inspiration in the weeks leading up to the release of HANDS FREE LIFE. Please check out the site while you are there. These people are my friends. They are gifted writers with important messages.
8/24 Creative with Kids – “Two Words That Can Bring You Back to Peaceful Territory”
8/25 Roots of Action – “Managing Screen Time Increases Family Joy”
8/26 Emily Wierenga – “Changing the Way the Story Ends”
8/27 Kari Kampakis – “How a Critical Mom Learned to Connect With Her Child”
8/28 Q&A with Emily Plank of Abundant Life Children
8/31 Q&A with Paul Axtell of Ten Powerful Things to Say & paulaxtell.com
9/1 Purposeful Faith – “A Moment We All Need to Give Ourselves”
9/1 Joyful Courage Podcast with host Casey O’Roarty
(Click here to listen to the podcast once it airs)
9/2 Amy McCready – “The Single Most Important Parenting Action We Can Do Today”
9/4 Simple Homeschool – “School Year Hopes”
9/7 Hayhouse Radio interview with Mike Robbins, host of “Nothing Changes Until You Do”
9/8 Becoming Minimalist – “A Season for Hands Free Living”
9/10 Mamalode – HANDS FREE LIFE book review
Dates TBA:
Podcast with Dr. Laura Markham of Ah-ha Parenting
Podcast with Maggie Dent, Quietly Improving Lives
Book review on The Mid by Kristin VanderHey Shaw
Recently published:
8/20 Janet Lansbury: Elevated Childcare – “A Feasible Way to Really Know a Child“
8/20 Power of Moms Podcast – HANDS FREE LIFE with Rachel Macy Stafford
This was a beautifully written piece. Makes me want to slow down and appreciate every moment with my young children. I love little reminders like this. It puts things in perspective. Thank you!
I cannot begin to tell you how your words are helping me to heal, and to know my child. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You bring light into darkness.
Wow. I am moved to tears by your beautiful comment. What a gift to know my words are inspiring healing in your heart and connection to your precious one. I will never forget this, Jade. THANK YOU!
Rachel, I forward EVERY one of your posts to all of my Facebook friends, they have learned to count on it. I, like a lot of people, tend to beat myself up about yesterday, but WHY? God has long since forgotten those sins. However, the mistakes I made yesterday as a parent and grandparent can have long lasting effects on those people. Help me to live in today, only love today. Lord, please.
“It is today. It is not yesterday.”
How does one’s yesterdays cease to be the past, in the midst of a broken marriage? The hurt does not allow one to own their “today”. It’s hard to move forward …. even as a woman of faith. Your words are inspiring, and how I long to move forward.
Please don’t post my reply, Rachel – it’s too negative. I’m just on one of those downers this morning – with a longing in my heart to make a change for our family, but stung with the reality that I can’t change the man I chose to give my life to.
The pain of a broken marriage (a/k/a failure) creates alot of challenges.
I’ve recently emerged from the darkness of a four and a half year depression and have had profound regret for all that it robbed from me and my family. Thank you for showing me that it’s not too late to give my children what they most need from me.
Yep…..I needed this message today……was reminded of this message yesterday too after worrying for 6 wks about a catastrophe I was CERTAIN would be happening…….6 wks of worry, anxiety, dreams about what COULD happen and sleepless nites……and guess what? There was no catastrophe after all…the world didnt stop turning…and all was right with the world! If I had just reminded myself to live in the moment…or just live for today instead of trying to predict things I have no control over anyway!!!
Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to
be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that
“most folks are as happy as they make up
their minds to be.” -Kenneth L. Holmes
I always look for your email nuggets of wisdom…..always hear what I need at the exact moment I need another gentle reminder!!! Thanks.
Long time reader and your words have helped carry me through with my six year old son but now we have a 12 year old foster daughter and its a lot harder than I imagined. She has been with us a couple of weeks now and I have tried to give her space and let her adjust to a new family but I am having a hard time, I am not sure how to connect to a little girl who has been so abused and broken. I need to have some ground rules but I am afraid of coming across as mean, you say to let them help themselves-how can I help motivate her to care more about herself so that she wants to help or take care of things like cleaning her room without harping or getting mad? I love her very much but it seems now like she thinks she does not have to do anything or help at all. Any thoughts would be appreciated as I would like to help her now rather than later…
Beautiful. Just reading this helps slow my heart rate and calm my nerves. Thank you for doing what you do, Rachel!
Thank you always for your beautiful words and reminders to slow down and enjoy every precious moment I have with the ones I love the most. Keep on sharing your words, your failures, AND your successes, because you give inspiration to the rest of us going through the same thing. Thank you!
What I love most about your blogs is your message that, despite all the failings of yesterday, we can still make a difference and still rescue our relationships with our children. It’s not too late. Thank you for your openness and your inspiring words.
Thank you SO much for always focusing on what is most important, for through your writing helping us all slow down and be better mothers to our children! I am also recovering from surgery, an experience which rocked the lives of my younger children but also gave me a chance to stop and refocus on what is important in this life. Every moment matters.
I am always so touched by your blog posts and am amazed at how timely they are in my life. You are a beautiful mother. We all have to remember we are. Sometimes I forget that in the chaos of the day, or in those moments when this world spews negativity at us from all directions. No, we are not perfect, but we are perfectly created. We are beautiful in our Heavenly Father’s eyes, and so we must be in each others. I am constantly preoccupied with things I have to do or get done before I play. Perhaps because it is ingrained in my head that we are supposed to finish our work before we play…. But your little reminders make me realize that it’s okay to play with dirty dishes in the sink. It’s okay to blow bubbles with the laundry still in the baskets. It’s okay to spend time with my children instead of spending time with my computer. Thank you, Rachel, for being the beautiful mother you are and for helping the rest of us to remember to allow ourselves to be that beautiful mother we are too.
I appreciate you, Jenn. Thank you, friend.
Hi Rachel,
I subscribe to your posts and read every one and share them with others, including my fiance. I cry at pretty well every one. They are all so easy to relate to as a mother of a 4-year old who has a very full life and only shared custody. I constantly question my actions and choices with regards to teaching, guiding and disciplining a very strong and stubborn but loving and smart little boy I was blessed to be given. I constantly try to find balance so that I can be good at everything and meet everyone’s needs. You help me see that I am not alone, that I am not perfect, and that my love and acceptance is enough. Still, there are every day challenges that remain, but you help me see that when I fall or make a mistake, it’s still ok.
Thank you for your beautiful writing and positive light on life. Most of all, thank you for courageously sharing so candidly about your mistakes, regrets and imperfections because your honesty helps your readers feel they are not alone, and your lessons help us learn. You are indeed an encourager, teacher and angel.
Tears. You have brought me to tears, the happiest, most healing kind. I am grateful for you.
Thank you for this beautiful post – it brought me to tears sitting at my desk at work. I feel like I rush through everything, from heading out the door in the morning to bedtime stories, and your words rang so true today and reminded me to cherish every single moment with my son and husband. I find your posts so honest and heartfelt and I always try to keep your advice in mind. I love “It is today. It is not yesterday.” Thank you for sharing with us.
What a lovely post. Thank God, we can always change our lives and ourselves. None of us are perfect. You seem so nice, I can’t imagine you smashing a plate. But we all have those moments. Self-awareness and willingness to change are key.
Rachel,
Nice to meet you. I’m hopping over from Emily Wierenga’s site. Thank you for your tips here and your sweet spirit. I have a library and “Mom and son date” with my youngest this morning and your words make me smile and savor that all the more.
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
Hi Jennifer! Welcome, my friend! I absolutely adore Emily and am honored you clicked over from her site to say such kind words to me!
Thanks for this. I am going to try and action your points with my little one x
This means so much! THANK YOU!
Let Them Do For Themselves is my favorite of your seven steps to impact the life of a child.
This one encompasses their life forever.
When a child is given the time to do things for themselves they gain great self-confidence and it spreads like a long spring rain into their roots enabling them to stand on their own and become true citizens of the world… the ultimate goal of all parents, in my opinion.
Thank you, my wise and encouraging friend. I think this quote should be displayed on the walls of schools and pediatricians’ offices all over the world:
“When a child is given the time to do things for themselves they gain great self-confidence and it spreads like a long spring rain into their roots enabling them to stand on their own and become true citizens of the world.”
I am continually honored and grateful for the contribution you make to this blog & my books. The feedback you provided on HANDS FREE LIFE was tremendous. As I read each sentence or section that you highlighted as your favorite, tears came to my eyes. I couldn’t believe you had taken the time to encourage me in that way. You know who else does this for nearly every blog post I write? My dad. Your feedback will help me make book 3 (ONLY LOVE TODAY) even better. So grateful for you!
Hi Rachel,
You are a lucky daughter to have a father who loves you so!
John
Rachel ~ This is beautiful! I can’t wait for your new book to come out…I have mine pre-ordered. I just received my bracelet yesterday…yay!
Would you please share where you got your beautiful thick leather bracelet you are wearing in the first picture?! Thank you! 🙂
Thank you, Misty! I appreciate the support so much! My beautiful friend, Kristi, made me that leather cuff and she can make one for you too! Here’s her website: http://www.theurbandaisy.com
You always give me so much to think about. I can see how pre-surgery time comes with heightened awareness for what’s important. I once had to get a nuclear-stress test. The test was claustrophobic and to get through those 20 minutes, I had to go to my happy place in my mind. What surprised me was my happy place wasn’t anywhere fancy. It was our little neighborhood coffee shop. I focused on the smells of French roast and taste of blueberry scones. That got me through it. Funny, the things that really make us happy.
I have been coming to read your thoughts for a couple years now and your blog has been a place for growth and healing for me. Like you, I am a recovering perfectionist, so I have very much identified with your journey. I am incredibly grateful to you for sharing it.
Lately though, I’ve noticed a resistance to coming here and reading your thoughts… today, while reading your post, I realized why. Sometimes, when I read about how much you regret how you lived in the past, it triggers the “you are not enough” script in my head… “What you did yesterday or last week or last year was not good enough… do better!” Although this can be a helpful message in many ways, it is also a slippery slope for me. I can easily slip into shame.
I wanted to share what I now say back to that voice, in the hopes that it may encourage others feeling the same way. I tell that voice in my head that truly there are no “mistakes.” Every step I have taken in life (even the ones I’m not proud of) has led me to who I am today, so I wouldn’t change a thing. Your “mistakes” have led you to inspire and encourage millions! Much like your comment about your surgery… I believe sometimes, we have to get off track or experience hardship, in order to grow and learn and transform ourselves into something better. So, do better tomorrow? Absolutely! Regrets about yesterday? Not as much. I trust that God always has us exactly where we are meant to be on our path. Sometimes a struggle or a sacrifice is necessary to achieve the greater goal.
Blessings to you and your family! So looking forward to your next book!
Thank you, Megan, for your kind words of support and your insightful comment. It is so helpful to hear what you say back to that voice. It reminds me of a passage in my new book:
“Today I will be at peace with who I once was and feel hopeful for the person I am becoming. I will not view the mistakes of yesterday as failures but instead as stepping stones to the lovingly imperfect, grace-filled life I’ve always wanted to live. Who I am now is more important than who I was then.” -R. Stafford, Hands Free Life
With each story I write, it is my prayer to bring hope and healing to one life and because this community grows by 5000 to 10000 people each week, I often re-visit the past and talk about regret because so many of my new readers come to me thinking it is too late to ever be the person or parent they are meant to me. I am sure it does sound like I live in regret, but there is a reason I re-visit this feeling so often. Thank you for allowing me to explain my reasoning for it and how talking about my regret is used as an inclusive tool and hopeful message for those who are new here. Much love.
Thank you for these simple reminders to live in the here and now with our children-to take back today. Somewhere in between doctor appointments, EIP meetings, hospital stays, surgeries, never ending phone calls-the list could go on-somewhere along this path, one as myself can lose sight of what is really the most important thing-my children having my full attention.
Having a child with complex medical needs brings this to a new level of commitment to taking the time every day to have one on one time with both my boys. I have fallen into the “gap” so to say of having too much to do and not enough time. I am guilty of having my phone on or my computer available searching for information while getting dinner ready instead of the conversation of how everyone’s day was, being short tempered or becoming angry, being frustrated and tired. I do not want my children to remember me as the mom that would yell or say—-maybe later —-I want to be the mom in the here and NOW!
Some days are easier than others for me…while other’s seem to fall into the old routine. This is a never ending battle to stop the “cycle” of being the mom I wish to not be—my pledge to my boys will be that I will try every day to be there more, to not be distracted by my phone, to love harder, to play harder, to just be PRESENT for them —
I have missed out on so many things over the years because of many things out of my control-
I will take that control back — I will be present here and now—every day-my children are growing up way too fast…I cannot get back the time lost…but I can gain the important time and memories NOW!!
Thank you for this reminder…I read your blog everyday…some time’s it takes someone else to put your life into perspective…
Thank you for baring it all-for being brutally honest ——you speak many words that many do not want to admit.