“Can you see your love for me shining through? Cuz what you see in me, I can see in you. And soon enough, you and me we'll be out of time. And kindness will be all we can leave behind.”
- Nimo Patel
My younger daughter rushed upstairs, her face wet with tears. She said she was having trouble putting together a Lego structure and couldn’t figure out what to do. When she asked her big sister for help, she cut her down—her words sharp and pointed and straight into the heart.
Yes, it had been a long summer. When you move to a new state, your sibling becomes your full-time playmate. My children had been in the company of one another for two solid months, no reprieves. But I’ve noticed that as my older daughter becomes more tween and less child, her patience is thinner … her sass stronger … her tone edgier. And there’s something about her little sister’s laid-back, leisurely nature that pushes her buttons. But something needed to be said before irreparable damage was done.
I went downstairs to talk privately with my older child. She was aptly securing the final pieces to an impressive Lego tree house. Pushing stray pieces aside, I sat down next to her. “I have something to tell you,” I said my voice low and serious. My daughter knew to stop fiddling and look into my eyes. “Whether you like it or not, you are shaping your little sister’s self-esteem. The way she feels about herself will be influenced by how you treat her. In fact, your opinion of her may be even more important than mine.”
I paused to let my daughter absorb this information. When I continued talking, I surprised myself by divulging something I hadn’t fully appreciated until that moment. “Do you know why I know the impact your opinion has on your sister’s life?” My daughter shook her head. “Because I was the little sister. Yes, my sister and I fought over clothes, music, whose turn it was to feed the cat, the bathroom, and other silly things, but never once did my sister shame me or put me down. Not once. Just imagine what that gift did for me.”
By now I was crying. Surprisingly my daughter wasn’t looking at me strangely or searching for the nearest exit. With a mixture of interest and sadness, my daughter looked like maybe what I had to say was something worth listening to. I swallowed hard, attempting to regain control over my unexpected emotional breakdown. “We all need someone in our corner, to have our back, to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. If you haven’t noticed, your little sister looks at you like a hero. And when you criticize or belittle, it hurts. But when you compliment or encourage her, she soars.”
Later, as I later replayed the conversation back in my head, I was reminded of the most important “rule” I had in my classroom when I was a teacher. I informed my students that our classroom was a safe haven. While I fully expected there to be squabbles and disagreements between children, there would be no hurtful attacks on physical appearance, intelligence, or abilities. I realize now that this is how I feel about my home. I expect my children to treat each other respectfully and kindly, no exceptions. To some this might sound like a ridiculous aspiration, head-in-the-clouds kind of thinking. “Siblings are supposed to knock each other down and toughen each other up,” I can just hear the naysayers say. I might have agreed with that statement had it not been for my sister showing me what happens when a family member believes in you despite knowing your every weakness and fault.
You see, in grade school I was a mess. I had a bad bowl cut. Too many freckles covered my nose. I wore the same awful navy blue sweater every single day until it practically disintegrated. My hair held the unbecoming shine of ultra quick showers minus the shampoo. I had the worst smelling feet. I gained a lot of weight the summer before middle school and got stretch marks. I was ashamed. While my parents worked, my sister took me to the neighborhood pool. She never said a word about my body. She only said, “I love your bathing suit.” I remember. It meant everything that she chose to look beyond the unsightly marks.
In high school my sister would wave me over as I walked down the halls. She would introduce her awkward freshman sister to her senior high friends. She was proud of who I was. She believed in me. My sister never told me I was not capable even if she thought there was no way I could make the volleyball team or move up a chair in orchestra. As an adult, my sister showed me the same support. Knowing how much I loved to write, she was adamant that I should start a blog. I said I didn’t know how. She sent me a book telling me how. She said she would help. My sister kept saying I should and I could until I finally tried. I would not be a published author today had it not been for the unconditional love and encouragement I received from my sister. My life would have turned out very differently if my sister had routinely tore me down rather than continually build me up.
My greatest hope is that my children encourage each other this way. I cannot force it to happen, but I can model it. Because honestly, talking to my older daughter about how I expect her to treat her sister has shined a slightly uncomfortable spotlight onto my own words and actions. The truth is, the way I treat my older daughter will reflect how she treats her younger sister. Just as she is shaping her little sister’s self-esteem through words and actions, I am shaping hers.
Just as I told her to think about the voice she is using with her sister—is it kind? Is it impatient? Is it encouraging? I must consider my tone too.
Just as I told her to think about the messages she is giving—You matter. You’re smart. I believe in you. I must think about my words too.
Just as I told her if you don’t like her wearing grubby t-shirts every day, compliment her when she wears something you do like. I am trying to practice that too.
Just as I told her to notice when her sister is stressed out or struggling and to say, “how can I help?” instead of “just deal with it.” I must remember this too.
Those are things my big sister did for me. Not perfectly. But consistently. And it made a life-changing difference.
Last week my daughters began riding the bus at our new school. It was the first time they’ve ever been “bus riders” since our old neighborhood didn’t have school buses. On the second night of school I heard the girls talking in the basement.
“When the teacher says walk to the bus, you need to go as fast as you can, okay? I was worried you were going to miss it. I kept praying you were coming. Walk real fast tomorrow. I know you can do it,” said the big one.
“Okay, I will,” promised the little one. “Thanks for letting nothing bad happen to me.”
“I won’t,” said her protector.
We all need someone in our corner … to have our back … to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. We can do that, my friends. We can do that for our sisters … our brothers … our children … and for each other. We can do that for the people who are learning how to treat others by watching us live.
I leave you with my own personal pledge so I can build up, not tear down … so I can be a role model, not a bad example … so I can leave a legacy, not a scar. These are my hopes for anyone who spends time in my presence.
The Presence Pledge
I hope you feel like a welcomed spark to my life, not an inconvenience, annoyance, or bother to my day.
I hope you feel comfortable in your skin, not constantly wondering how many things you need to change before you’re loved and celebrated.
I hope you feel heard, valued, and understood, not dismissed for being too young or too inexperienced to have an opinion or know what you need to thrive.
I hope you feel capable and confident, not incapable of doing something without constant supervision and correction.
I hope you feel brave to bare the colors of your soul, not pressured to hide your light or play small to gain acceptance.
I hope after spending an hour … a day … a lifetime in my presence,
I leave your heart fuller,
your smile wider,
your spirit stronger
your future brighter
than you could have ever imagined by yourself.
from Rachel's new book, ONLY LOVE TODAY
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ONLY LOVE TODAY is my latest release — unlike my first two books, HANDS FREE MAMA and HANDS FREE LIFE, ONLY LOVE TODAY does not need to be read cover to cover. You can flip it open to any season of life you desire and find guidance and encouragement in a two-minute reading. With emphasis on connection, presence, simplicity, kindness, and love, this book will help you live out the presence pledge and create a safe, positive, and loving home environment for your loved ones to soar. Many early readers have been reading the book WITH their children and spouses and experiencing beautiful results from this practice. ONLY LOVE TODAY is a #1 Amazon Bestseller in three categories: Inspiration, Family Relationships, and Personal Growth. You can purchase your copy at Target stores, Amazon.com, and Barnes and Noble. Thank you for being part of the HANDS FREE REVOLUTION. I cherish your presence, support, and encouragement dearly!
This is beautiful. Imagine what the world would be like if every parent (or person for that matter) subscribed to this theory. Imagine how many beautifully confident individuals would grow in the world; loving their own skin and feeling “okay” just as they are. Thank you for this.
I feel all those things in your presence, both physical and emotional. Thank you for this post today. My kids start school tomorrow. Tonight, I get the opportunity to talk with my senior about his last year to take care of and watch out for his freshman and sophomore siblings. XO
Wow! ((tears and a lump the size of Texas))
Thank you for this… something to truly ponder today.
I wonder if I can “just get off the bus, right now” and start over… first as a sister! The oldest sister of nine kids and now as a Mother!
I have the same expectation(s), you mentioned, about my kids getting along and being nice, etc. But yet, I’m the one who goes so long in my quiet (semi-patient) approach only to lose it… and yell. Yes! I’m a yeller. My patience wears so thin – after awhile – its incredible.
I’ve realized something about myself the other day… I’ll offer to babysit others kids (with my own here at home) – to be nice! give that mom a break, etc. But in that, I’m nicer – during the day and all around.. Why is that, I wonder??
Its like as soon as they leave… out it comes… the pent up and the ugly. And… my nice went with the kids I was watching – right OUT THE DOOR!!
Am I the only one this happens to?
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Your sister sounds like a dream come true. How beautiful is that!! wow.
You are definitely not the only one! If you have not read my yelling post, you may want to read it, along with some of the 1,000 comments. You will not feel alone at all in your struggles. I commend you for finding a strategy for being calmer/nicer. I am all about whatever works for you to be the person you hope to be. Feel free to send me an email if you want a list of some other strategies I have found that work to choose a more peaceful response instead of yelling. My email is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. Much love to you. Thank you for your honesty.
You are not alone! I’ve often observed the same thing about myself. I will offer to watch my nieces and nephews and while they are there and I have all of these ‘extra’ kids I am mindful of my words and am more of the mom I wish I was all of the time. I am working to take a deep breath and curb the yelling, too.
You ARE NOT the only one. My husband questions that about me all the time. I’m relaxed and nice around other people and kids. Once I get home, the ugly comes out. I read somewhere that we let out the ugly with those we are most comfortable with, i.e. husband, kids, maybe parents or siblings….. I too am trying to be “nicer’….it takes time
Hindsight…too late for us now with two of us in our 60s but struggling as sisters to somehow finally connect and appreciate each other while we still have time. Unfortunately we did not have a childhood like the one you speak of but we now see what we might possible repair. Think of us
I will be thinking of you and your sister, Beth. I feel so hopeful that you have decided it’s not too late. I believe as long as we are still breathing, it’s not too late.
Thank you for sharing your life, your wisdom, I am a better person for it!!! Great lesson about self-esteem and nurturing it!
Some time ago, I was in charge of coordinating “Parent Learning Sessions” for our preschool parents. “Sibling Rivalry” was one topic I had asked an ‘expert’ to speak on. She referenced Cain and Abel, said it’s just a part of how we are made, and basically left it at that.
But I just couldn’t accept it. As our family grew with a 2nd, 3rd and 4th child, I continued to hold a high expectation of respect for each other. There was, however, always an underlying nag in my mind that maybe I was expecting too much.
My mantra to our family has always been, “The world is hard enough. We need our home to be haven from that.”
Thank you for the confirmation that my requiring our home to be a “safe place” is exactly what our family needs.
I love your mantra, Misty. And I love that you chose to live by what you felt was best for you and your family.
Lovely thoughts. Today, let us all be the shoulders and arms that support our brothers and sisters… throughout the world.
“Today, let us all be the shoulders and arms that support our brothers and sisters… throughout the world.” Oh yes. You nailed it!
Wow. Thank you for being this kind of mother; even if I never encounter you or your children in real life, you’ve made the world a little better. And thank you for sharing it with the rest of us through your blog. I’m so glad that I found you to follow you. I’m a middle child who only grew up with one sibling at a time (my brother and sister are 11 years apart), so I have been a little sister and a big sister. In our household, everything was a competition and the only way to get ahead with my father was through putting one another down. It didn’t make us better people and I can never say I’ve been close to my siblings, though my sister and I go through rounds of trying to be closer to one another. There was never anyone in my corner growing up and even though I’d have done anything to protect my little brother – and did – he doesn’t remember that about me, but the fact that we tormented one another.
So let the naysayers say what they will. I think you are giving your children the greatest gift and I envy you and them. I can only hope that I am able to model that for our children, should my husband and I be able to have them. Blessings.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Lea. Your testimony is far more powerful than anything I could ever write regarding the value of having a family member as a safe haven. I am truly grateful that you took the time to share your experience. It is a powerful one and I won’t forget it.
For the record, I am saddened by how you remember the younger you. I remember, beautiful strawberry blond hair, with a scattered curl here and there, eyes that were always smiling, gorgeous freckles, a body that was growing and changing, and the best laugh you’ve ever heard. A deep belly laugh, that sounded like wheezing at first, but burst into beautiful encouragement for me to try and make it happen again! Also, this made me cry, I say all these same things to my son when he is hurtful to his sister (not that often), yet I think imam not paying close enough attention to my tone or words sometimes. Thx for the reminder! I miss you sweet Rach! I wish I could hug those misconceptions of your youth right out of you!
Oh man, Kerry. {tears} There’s nothing like reading a beautiful message from someone who has known you forever. We were “sisters” back then and we are still “sisters” today. Thank you for taking the time to let me know what you saw when you looked at me 30-some years ago. This lifts my spirit like I cannot describe. I love you! PS I know the wheezing cough you mentioned and just let me say, you were one of the FEW who could make me laugh that hard!
Thank you *again*! It’s like you are a fly on a wall in my life, seeing things and knowing what I need to hear, and saying it so perfectly!
So grateful!
Peace to you,
Rachael O’Connor
This is something we have been struggling with in our house for over a year now. My oldest started middle school last year and has no tolerance or patients for his little sister who is 3 years younger. He is downright mean and hurtful to her. I don’t know what to do. Everything we have tried has only had a temporary fix. My daughter is so sweet and forgiving but his attitude towards her is finally having an effect on her. She has also asked why he doesn’t love her. He hears this, sees her tears yet he continues to be hurtful. He is not a bad kid, we have no behavioral problems with him. He plays sports, takes advanced classes at school and doesn’t treat anyone else like this. If anyone has any advice on how we can make this stop I would greatly appreciate it.
I will make sure my colleague, Sandy Blackard, sees your comment. She is an award-winning author and parenting coach. She has helped many readers of this blog with issues exactly as you describe. I know Sandy will have some good advice for us all. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know many people reading today can relate.
Thank you Rachel!
Rachel,
Thank you for inviting me to help! This is my response to MomOfTwo and Stacy’s comments above and below.
Sibling rivalry is one of the hardest things a parent faces. It’s often easy to understand the younger child’s pain, and hard to understand why an older child would treat them that way. Yet, that is exactly what is needed to turn the situation around.
As you are aware from Rachel’s insightful writing, our children tend to treat each other the way they think we treat them. For example, if you find the older child’s behavior toward the younger one to be “annoying” (as most of us would) and meet that behavior with judgment, criticism and punishment, it is no surprise that when the older child finds the younger one’s behavior to be annoying, he/she would treat the younger one the same.
This does not mean that you ignore or allow the older child’s behavior. As Rachel points out, firm boundaries make your home a safe haven, but more importantly they keep children from doing and saying things they will feel badly about later.
But the way to enforce those boundaries is not criticism or punishment. That just perpetuates the cycle. Instead, you need to model how to treat an “annoying” or otherwise troublesome person with love and respect. You do this by stepping into BOTH children’s shoes and understanding their point of view first, then helping them find solutions that work for them both.
As I said above, the easy part is seeing the younger child’s point of view. The hard part is seeing the older child’s, but that is the step that will make the most difference.
No child wants to treat a sibling badly because deep down, they really do love each other. So when it occurs, they always believe they have a good reason. Understanding that reason without judging it is the first step.
The best way to approach your inquiry into why an older child treats a younger one badly is to ask yourself, “What would have a loving brother/sister treat the other like that?” If you think that mistreatment is proof that they don’t love each other, your children will, too. Assuming they love each other reverses that and helps you look for other reasons. (For more, see my post on Siblings: Friends or Foes)
Here are some usual reasons: 1) The older child feels displaced by the younger one, or less favored after the younger one was born. 2) The older child feels like you always take the younger child’s side (which actually may be true if you can see the younger child’s point of view more easily). 3) The older child feels like what he/she wants is not as important to you as what the younger child wants (which again, may be true if you frequently ask the older one to put the younger child’s wants first). There may be more, but the only way to find out what is troubling your older child is to listen with compassion. Your older child is in pain, too, whether you can see it or not.
When any or all of those reasons happen repeatedly, an older child can end up feeling like the bad guy (selfish, impatient, annoyed, frustrated, etc.) and believe that it’s all the younger child’s fault, because he/she is fine unless the younger one is around.
Believing the younger one to be the cause of their feelings, the only thing older kids can do to feel good about themselves is push the younger one away. Make sense?
Reversing this is a challenge, but can be done. As I said, the thing that will make the biggest difference is you understanding the older child’s side of the story and helping him/her see him/herself in a positive light. When that happens, the problem solving can begin.
If either of you would like more direction for specific incidents, feel free to contact me at my website:
http://www.languageoflistening.com
I have the same problem – two daughters – one three years older than the other (9 and 6). The older one has very little patience for the younger, and the younger one is high energy and knows how to push her sister’s buttons. Both girls are sweet, kind, generous, loving kids, but I, too, have noticed in the last six months or so the older sister’s biting words, her dismissal of her sister’s accomplishments, the strong desire of the younger one to please the older one and the older one simply refusing to acknowledge the younger. Is it always this way? No. But when it is, it’s heart wrenching. Case in point: Last night, the six year old was able to read a few pages out of a book we picked up at the library this weekend – all by herself!! She calls out to the nine year old, proud of herself, announcing that she read the page all by herself. The nine year old doesn’t even look at her. The younger one, sitting on my lap to read, whispers (more to herself than to me, it seemed), “She doesn’t even care”. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about it. I have tried to talk to my older daughter, and her response is that the six year old is annoying. I have pointed out that when she was six, she had her annoying moments as well, but no one dismissed her accomplishments or spoke to her harshly. It doesn’t seem to make any difference, and I keep wondering why.
Today, with your post, maybe I have to admit ‘why’. Am I modeling the behavior I want to see in my kids? When I lose my patience and yell – what kind of example am I setting? Are my words cutting at times? Am I using sarcasm that is lost on a nine year old and a six year old and simply comes across as unkind words? How often do I hurt with words? How often do I fail to encourage? Tear down instead of lift up? Certainly, I don’t do it all the time, but does that matter? When the stinging words come from your own mother, does it really matter how often? This isn’t the first time I have recognized this in myself and I need strategies to stop, stop, STOP!
Thank you so much, Stacy, for your honesty and for sharing your story. I understand what you are saying from a personal experience. I don’t know if you have read this post about how I treated my older daughter, but it may have some insight for you. I assure you that you are not alone. http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/10/the-bully-too-close-to-home/
I will also have my colleague Sandy Blackard, an award-winning author and parenting coach, offer some suggestions here on your comment. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It is greatly appreciated.
Stacy,
You are not alone. I’ve had so many heart to heart conversations with my son about the way he treats his little sister. I’ve explained to him how much she loves him and how all she really wants is to spend time with him. He uses the same excuses,” she’s annoying” and he says he doesn’t want to spend time with her. But he does it just has to be on his terms. The day that broke my heart was the day I sat on my daughters bedroom floor with her apologizing for the way he treats her. She said “mom he will change some day”. I told her I hoped so. She then placed her hand over her heart and said “but it hurts here”. She has always looked up to him and he is breaking her heart.
Oh, that’s heartbreaking. My heart hurts for your little one. I’m going to have a talk with my oldest, along the same lines that Rachael had with hers. I know they are going to fight over Barbies, and what they are going to play and who gets to walk the dog, but they will only speak to each other with kindness and respect…there will be no belittling or condescending talk. The oldest needs to know that she is looked up to by the little one. I will figure out a suitable punishment for falling to treat each other with respect. And I will do my best to walk the talk, speak with kindness and respect, not belittle, build up, not tear down, even in the smallest of ways.
It’s probably tougher with an older boy and younger daughter. I feel for you. I hope you find an answer. Your girl is an old soul who can clearly identify what she’s feeling and articulate it well. She’s even gracious enough to hope he will change. Old souls feel deeply. They hurt deeply. Keep loving her through it and keep trying to find a way to help your son treat her with kindness and respect. I’ll keep trying, too…hopefully, we’ll both get there.
Heartfelt and so powerful! Thank you so much for sharing your writing with those of us who need it so badly.
Wow! Really impacted me. Look forward to all your writing.
Blessings,
This is a gift this morning. My kids have been squabbling a little, and I know part of it stems from my impatience with THEM. I can’t expect them to be consistently kind with each other when my own voice is short and impatient.
This is beautiful. I have a older brother and he always torn me down. What are the six words?
Here’s a link to the article: http://www.parentshaped.co.uk/2014/07/how-to-stop-siblings-fighting/. The words are, “How I can I make this better?”
Thank you for sharing your story, Brandy.
After a very tough day, yesterday, I struggle with discipline, loving, my sanity…
This was beautiful! I have two daughters one 5 and the other 2. I have become very aware lately of their interacting and the words being said as one feels a bit wiser as an almost Kindergartner. I just loved this article!!
Is this sister a social work professor? If so, I agree–she is encouraging to so many students daily! She was my professor for two different classes 10 years ago (I signed up for the second class partially because she was teaching it!) and I loved learning from her. Sounds like you were blessed to have each other as sisters, and your parents must be so ridiculously proud of both of you!
YES! My sister is a social work professor, Erin! We are so proud of my sister for the teaching she does and the work she does to help empower victims of violence. Rebecca has made a life out of building people up, just like she did for me. Thank you so much for asking! I will share this with her.
I have been reading your blog for a little while, but have never commented. For some reason, this struck a chord with me today. I recognize that my (young! 3 and 5) kids are always irritated with each other, and it probably stems from the language and behavior I display toward them. Instead of getting frustrated because they are always bickering and fighting, and accepting that “that’s the way siblings are,” maybe I need to show some extra love. I struggle with this as someone who felt loved, but not exactly lifted up to a higher level, as a child. Thank you so much for your blog – it always leads me to think and feel a little deeper about things.
Thank you for sharing this powerful realization you experienced today, Katie. I have no doubt your discovery is making someone else think differently too. Grateful for your input today!
Your words spoke right to my heart and home, being a single parent household I pray that my “positive” actions trickle down through me to my oldest daughter (eleven) and my younger son (ten). We struggle and lean on each other so much…. our rough days are felt throughout the house with frustrating grunts and sometimes tears. But our good days are filled with laughter and our private silly jokes that only we can understand. We call ourselves the “Three Musketeers” and some days it feels as though the world is against us with all the negative comments not only from children at school but the adult world too. We retreat to our world and discuss the day maybe sometimes after we have taken out our frustrations on each other. I tell them how important family is and that we need to lean on each other and not tear each other down there are too many people out there willing to do the tearing for us.
My goal is to make sure we are building each other up daily as well as the people around us!
Thank you Rachel for your real words and how they always make me feel less alone in my parenting struggles.
Thank you, Sabrina. You have put the biggest smile on my face. Being part of ‘The Three Musketeers’ sounds like one of the greatest trios one could ever be a part of. I thank you for building a house of love. Your boys are going to be quite remarkable (probably already are) because they are learning and loving under your wing.
This article brought tears to my eyes, I am the third girl of four sibilings and over the past year have had to rely on my sisters so much. I don’t know what I would do without them, they are always there for me.
My own girls are 18 months apart and at 8 my oldest is starting to hit that emotional stage. However my girls are still best friends. They protect each other, route for each other, and hate being seperated. I have always tried to explain to thm how important siblings are, that you always need to support each other. I just hope that their relationship will stay strong as we transition into the difficult tween and teen years!
Thank you!! This post is beautiful. I have one child and pray if I’m blessed with more that I can instil this quality in them. I read your book in the hope to become a better mother, I’m struggling with my sisterly relationship. Thank you for your always uplifting posts.
Thank you, just divine …
I was the little sister who was shamed, mocked, physically attacked even up through high school. I can’t write about this in a very articulate way—I am 47 years old and this is still incredibly painful, because my sister and I are still not close, we only see each other once or twice a year though she lives 35 miles away, but she will still tell me what I’m doing wrong and how she thinks I should live my life. I only have one child, and a big part of that decision to stop with one was not wanting to have two and see them fight all the time or have one bully the other. I am living proof of the poor self esteem that results from a big sister bullying a little one. Bless you for being aware of this and not letting it happen to your children.
Thank you for sharing something so painful and personal to help others avoid what you have had to endure. I pray you will let go of your sister’s opinion of you and realize her hurtful attacks were about her, not you. I hope you can see all the beautiful things that you are. Peace be with you.
Another powerful post, Rachel, thank you. This is what really hit home for me: “We all need someone in our corner … to have our back … to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves.” That is what I crave today as I try to navigate life and motherhood.
I hope your family is adjusting well to your new surroundings.
Thank you, Tina. This week is shaping up to be one of the best week’s so far as far as feeling a little less homesick and a little more secure in our new surroundings. My younger daughter has been having a hard time, but yesterday she said it was the best day ever. That made my heart happy. Thank you so much for thinking of us. It makes me feel very loved.
Thank you. My heart aches as I read since I struggled to accept my little sister. We are great friends now, as adults, and I have no idea why I disdained her as a child. Prayer, counseling, talking…cannot figure it out. But she has forgiven me and we love each other so much….it is never too late!
p.s. The presence pledge would make an amazing print for your shop….hint hint…
Thank you, Heidi! Thank you for bringing the HOPE and the IT’S NOT TOO LATE to this blog post!!!! This is going to help someone today! And yes, I like the way you think — I was thinking the presence pledge would make a neat print too! Let me see what I can do!
Thank you so much! This is how we try to do things in our house – so encouraging to see the children treat each other with respect and love – even when they fight!
This was so touching and hit close to home for me as I was both the little sister and the big sister. I agree, siblings should be a strong support system, a safe haven, best friends. I strive to teach my children this, and they are best friends. Thank you for making me feel today. Thanks for your reminder that I need to model those behaviors I want to see in my children!
This is perfect! Your message is inspiring and everyone should hear it. Thank you for putting this into words so elliqantly and sharing. You have a great talent so continue to express and mold character. May God bless you always!
I have been reading this website for some time now. Feeling that it will help me feel mentaly prepared for when I will have children in a few years. But with this article it somehow shifted- I am reading your blog as a child and it allowes me to think and reflect about my time with my parents and siblings and the experiences I made with them and still do. I almost always get moved to tears by your texts. But this was the first time that I was actually crying. I don’t know where I want to go with this. But I thought it might be good for you to hear that your words can be used in multiple ways. And I thank you very much for your time and effort.
I feel that the wisdome of the word is already there and quite complete. But it still needs people who have an inner feeling and connection to spread this wisdome. Thank you for beeing one of these people.
(Sorry for any mistakes, I am from Germany.)
Thank you so much, Nimue. You are right, knowing the value you found in this piece is greatly helpful and encouraging to me. When I sit down to write, my prayer is to help one person out there–whether it be a mother, father, child, someone who is not married, someone who is retired … it does not matter. I just long to help one through these words divinely placed on my heart. Grateful for your comment and for you.
It’s quite a different when your mom recruits your little brother to help her put you down and bully you. And you grow up and imagine he has no respect for you still. And you have grown up with little respect for yourself.
Rachel this actually made me cry. My child is no longer small like yours but a 6’0″ teenager. I worry about these things all the time. I know your sister and have met you on a couple of occasions and can totally see your sister being that way toward you and others as a teen. You both are two of the kindest people I have met. Thank you for writing this. 🙂
Thanks for the unfailing deepening I always get from reading your words. Your wisdom sparks off my connection to my truest self and prompts introspection and insight and love. Always draws out the Love.
This post reminds me of a quote:
In our relationships we need to uphold that aspect of the person which is the real person and the soul beyond their own self-doubt.
– Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan –
Your comment and your quote are beautiful. Thank you so much. So meaningful to me.
This made me cry! I forwarded it to my little sister and I hope I was a good big sister.
But what you said about being the model for your older one totally resonates with me. I have two little girls too and I so get that the older one is looking to me for how to treat others, including her sister.
Thanks for that reminder!
Thank you, Rachel. My husband and I don’t have children, but I fear that I am not as supportive and kind to him as I should be. These words of yours really spoke to me today:
“I hope you feel like a welcomed spark to my life, not an inconvenience, annoyance, or bother to my day.
I hope you feel comfortable in your skin, not constantly wondering how many things you need to change before you’re loved and celebrated.”
I fear that I set my expectations too high and as a result, constantly belittle him. I realize this now and hope to change. Thank you for your blog, and your constant reminder that we can all be better.
[As a follow up, most of your posts are about your children. Have you ever considered writing about your relationship to your husband? At this point in my life, I would love to hear your thoughts on that!]
Love your posts
I am so thankful to have “stumbled across” this post. Over the last three months, I have felt a strong conviction to reach out to my older sister. I want to address the hurt and resentment I’ve suppressed since childhood in hopes of healing and moving forward with building a relationship with her. The childhood riddle of “sticks and stones” is certainly not true as I now come to realize seeds of never feeling good enough were planted long ago. I know my six-years-old sister loves me, but boy what I would have paid to had the type of relationship you’ve described. But, I know it’s not too late for us. I am now 35 and she is 41. Perhaps, my experiences are why I genuinely always try to THINK before I speak to someone, whether a child or an adult. I ask myself, are the words Thoughtful, Honest, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind? Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this post!
As a child, I was the big sister who couldn’t protect my little brother and who didn’t have the guidance to treat him in such a way that showed how much love I had for him and how much he mattered to me. It’s something I think about and regret often, even now as a 31-year-old mother. What a gift to your older girl that you can teach and show her how to be the big sister she will someday be proud to have been.
Wow, I wasn’t expecting this today. Your post brought wrenching sobs and now my chest hurts. I’m writing to mourn because I too wanted my home to be a safe haven for all of us. I so consciously went about trying to build that sanctuary by modeling respect, kindness, compassion. By giving my children the love and acceptance they needed to blossom. I wasn’t perfect, but I sure worked hard at it. My older son had lots of neurological and emotional issues–right out of the womb! And even with so much effort I wasn’t able to protect my younger son from the emotional abuse of his older brother. I watched as my younger son, my “little Buddha”, wilted and went from being a loving child with a big compassionate heart to being withdrawn and cynical as he hardened his heart. He started talking about suicide at the age of 8. We’ve had lots of therapeutic support and interventions over the years for the family. It’s been a very tough road and things are much better now than they used to be. (They’re now teens) But this dream of home being the place where you can be yourself, where you are loved and accepted with all your flaws, has not happened between the siblings. And you’re right, it doesn’t count as much that I can give that to him as a mother. It’s his big brother he looked up to, that he wanted to notice him and give him the message he’s okay. And instead he consistently got the oppositie message. I can only hope that there is something useful in his experience, some lesson his soul is here to learn, that will serve him on his journey. And I wish the same for my older son. He has struggled with his issues…we ALL have…and I hope his experiences lead him to learn whatever he is here to learn in this lifetime. I know I’ve been stretched way beyond my growing edges because of these 2 great teachers!
Rachel, as I’ve read through the comments to your post today I read your one comment about how you ask God, as you sit down to write your post, that you will be a blessing to at least one person no matter what their walk of life entails. And this brings me to what I’ve intended to respond with, which is that God truly is allowing you to bless so many people from all walks of life with your blog posts! I raised 5 children with the first being born in 1979 & the last born in 1990. Many times I’ve wondered how I would have dealt with the social media access available at our fingertips today. Way back in the 80’s I allowed a daytime soap opera to determine what time I would not leave the house for a couple hours. Mercifully, with God’s help, it only lasted around 3 months when I realized how it was taking precious time away from playing with my kids & robbing us of quality time to spend together. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I pray that God will continue to bless you & use you as His instrument. Also, that He will bless you & your family. Continue on with the good work you have begun. You are a powerful positive leader in this world today. I’m reminded of the verse in Esther 4:14: “…Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Blessings to you!
I am still learning the rules of sharing blog posts. I am a teacher and would like to potentially share this with my students via my new classroom blog. Would you mind if I shared this post, and specifically the Presence Pledge, with my class this year (with links and authorship)? Please let me know if there is a better way to go about a request like this.
Thanks!
Lindsay
Hi Lindsay, you absolutely have my permission to share this post with your class and the pledge too. I would be honored. Thank you for the important, life-changing work that you do!
You are so wise. Had to share on my page. I only wish my sister had known how to guide me., however, this is why we seek friends to fill in those gaps that our family can’t. I’m sure your Mom had a lot to do with fostering your relationship with your sibling.
Wonderful post. I was the big brother to my sister. We had our shares of hassles like any siblings but I really did try to smooth the way for her in high school, band, and college. I accompanied her on piano when she played clarinet. I got her a job with a prof. at the University. I’m so glad we had those times together. I just lost her to brain cancer last year after a fifteen year battle with it. She was only 65 when she died. And 6 months before she died I had to tell her that her husband who had been taking care of her unbelievably well while running a jewelry store had died of a heart attack. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. But she knew I had her back and she had mine. When I remarried about 15 years ago to a woman of color – I am white – my father couldn’t handle it. He tried to turn other family members against me, even though I was a middle aged adult. My sister wouldn’t do it. She loved our father but she had my back. This is a short trip. Why not make it one full of love and caring and support. Thanks for your great post again.
That is lovely. I can see how true this observation is in my own grandchildren – their mother is a fantastic role model and her children treat each other (mostly) with respect. They often play with neighbors who are not so sweet – and yesterday I heard their dad berating them for something mundane. Sad.
First I want to say that I so enjoy your posts. I’m very glad to be getting them again! I hope you will soon feel at home in your new state. We’ve moved around a lot and I know how challenging it is. Thank you for writing on this topic. I have 7 children and from day one, respect has been our foundation. We talk a lot about using our words to build each other up and not tear each other down.Our home is a safe, loving place, and it should be like that.Not that we don’t have our arguments, but I love when I hear my children compliment each other. It’s not a lofty aspiration. If it is modeled and expected, it does work and home can be our wonderful safe place. Thank you for sharing that!
I loved this so much I’ve printed it out and will spend time tonight with my daughters, 14 & 10, reading it and discussing it. Thank you!
Thank you for this Rachel. As ever, you gently shine a light on the things that matter, the things we can challenge ourselves to improve. I love the way you write, the way you humbly share your heart to encourage others. I have also been reflecting during the summer break about my children’s relationship. I also realise that when I remind my big girl to use gentle words with my little boy that I probably failed to use gentle words with her first. I want to be able to make the words of the Presence Pledge come true for my precious daughter. Thank you for writing it. Thank you for your beautiful heart <3
Beautiful words, actions and deeds to live by.
Love this post. Love your words. Love the honesty. Love the pledge. Love the links. I hope it’s okay to take a bit of your pledge and hang it on my fridge. What a fabulous reminder for me and the kids. How we are treated daily is so important to our development. And it’s amazing to me the small words, phrases that stick with you…positive or negative that happen in an instant. Thank you for giving me pause to reflect on this seemingly simple but so so important part of creating a home.
Fabulous article! Thank you, I needed that direction.
This is a nice article in many ways. Something rubs me the wrong way, however: holding a sibling responsible for the self-esteem of her sibling is an inappropriate responsibility to place on a child. That in an of itself is shaming. What if the little sister ends up with poor self-esteem? Then will the oldest will feel ultimately responsible for that–if this is the belief the is given by her mother? Each of us is responsible for our own lives, and sometimes people are unkind to us. We can choose to think “That’s not about me; I am worthy and I love myself no matter what.” Or we can choose to think “She/he was mean to me; that means I am not worthy.” I want to teach my children to love themselves no matter how others treat them, and I do not want to teach my children that they are responsible for the self-esteem of others.
I don’t think this is about holding a sibling responsible for the self esteem of the other sibling. This is about treating each other with support and not being a negative force. This is about teaching a child about the impact they can have on another person. That doesn’t mean that they then are responsible for the other person’s self-esteem but they should be aware of the impact they can have. You can still teach children to take responsibility for their own lives and not be crushed if someone treats them poorly. In my opinion these are not mutually exclusive lessons. I taught them to my girls and it seemed to work.
Thank you, Scott. I agree with you. The people we interact with day and day out do shape our self-esteem and I wanted my daughter to be aware of this. I have heard from many readers today who described the serious self-concept issues they have experienced as a result of being criticized, teased, and belittled by their siblings growing up. To tell them that they they should have said to themselves, “This is not about me, I am worthy,” doesn’t seem appropriate or realistic. Maybe to a person who speaks cruely to you on occasion, but if you live with constant criticism, a person is not able to think like that. Like you said, teaching our children they have an impact on their brothers and sisters self-concept is completely appropriate and I feel it is my duty as a parent.
Rachel,
I feel like I need to chime in here. The fact that we are interrelated is true – someone can lift you up or tear you down, but the mechanism is misunderstood.
Because we are each thinking beings with our own perceptions of the world, and our emotional reactions come from our perceptions of what is happening around us, the true mechanism of any verbal exchange is that someone says something, you have a thought, and you react to your thought about what that person said. In every case your thoughts are your own, and since they are your own AND are the true source of your reaction, your thoughts are where your power lies – but only if you know it.
When enough proof to the contrary is provided, any of us can be convinced that the source of our reactions is external. When that happens we spend our lives seeking peace and happiness outside of our selves by trying to change our environment and the other people in it.
But somehow, despite tons of worldly proof, deep down inside we are always drawn to the possibility that the source of peace and happiness lies within, regardless of what those around us say and do. Beloved stories of personal transformation like The Wizard of Oz or It’s A Wonderful Life point to this truth.
When we recognize this truth, we regain our power in life and can begin to use unpleasant things like our hurt feelings or negative beliefs about self not as proof of external causes, but as flags to guide us to the self-defeating thoughts that are causing our pain. Unraveling those thoughts is the work of personal growth.
One last thing, rather than opening the door to more put downs and criticisms, understanding the true mechanism behind our impact on each other allows us to discard the “eggshells” that frequently strain our relationships. Rather than worrying about the effect of our words on others, we can listen and learn what activates the people around us and adjust our comments out of love and respect as you want your children to do. Modeling this for our kids and sharing success stories like you did about your sister are the best ways to create a safe haven in our homes.
Simply put, the truth is that someone can lift you up or tear you down, but only with your permission, whether you are aware you are giving it or not.
Two of my favorite quotes serve as reminders of this powerful truth:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“What you think of me is none of my business.” – Terry Cole Whitaker
http://www.languageoflistening.com
Beautiful lesson to teach to all children… Thankyou
Great blog! Do you mind if I post your presence pledge in my classroom this year?
Thank you for asking, Emily! I would be honored. If you could make sure it is properly attributed to me and the blog, that would help me protect my work. Thank you! I had so many requests for The Presence Pledge print today that my sister-in-law (who runs the HANDS FREE MAMA online shop) is getting them made. I am so grateful the pledge resonated with so many! I will let everyone know when the print is available.
I love this article!
What a beautiful post! My 6 y/o son does not have siblings but he does have me. I try so hard to positively influence and guide him. I may not have the impact a sibling would, but I still have an impact, and your post is a good reminder of the power of that impact. Thank you.
I needed this so much. My firstborn is slowly replacing his love and excitement for his little brother with anger, frustration and impatience. Can you tell me what you do besides talking to your children when they treat eachother unkindly? Thank you for the always inspiring posts!
Oh wow. This hit me hard on so many levels. I am a mama to four littlest five and under, so patience runs low on my part. I know I am not a good example of a gentle spirit or slow to anger. And, my relationship with my little sister is terrible. I have never been kind. There are many layers to why we do not get along, but they are all unacceptable. Even today at the age of 30 and 32 I was critical and cutting with my words. I have a great deal of appologizing to do. Thank you for this.
This is so beautiful. Thank you. I’m sharing it on my FB page “So You Think Parenting Is About The Children?”
Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky. My sister criticized me and made me feel very insecure. When I finally went to high school with her she’d walk up to me in the halls and say “you need lipstick or fix your hair.” I never felt good about myself because of her and to this day we have a very rocky relationship. It sounds like you had a fabulous hero to look up to in your formative years. What a blessing.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Do you have the presence pledge as a printable? I need this hanging in my office!
Thanks, Kacy. I got so many requests for it that it is going to happen! My sister-in-law runs the Hands Free Mama online shop and she is getting them created. I will let you know when it is available. Shouldn’t be too long. THANK YOU!
I love this! I have 5 girls, aged 14-4, and they are my world. I’ve been thinking about this quite often lately – how they treat each other, the impact they have on each other, whether positive or negative. I’m going to share this with them. Thank you for all of your insights and experience you frequently share. Its exactly what I needed to hear today! Best wishes as you get settled in your new life. 🙂
Wow. This could not have come at a better time for me, for us. Due to school construction, we’re starting school after Labor Day and it’s been a LONG summer. My boys are constantly fighting and it’s worn me down. I’ve run out of patience for my sons (8 and 5). I just snapped at my older son because he wanted lunch at 10:30. And I realize that when they fight, when I hear my older son sniping at his younger brother, I hear myself sniping at him. I’m in tears right now thinking that the way I’m talking to them is breaking them down. Thanks for the wake up call. I’m printing this out and posting it as a constant reminder that how and what I say can break down or build up my people.
This is beautiful and awesome and so practical. In tears again 🙂
P.S. thanks for the link to the six words to stop sibling fighting. It has been very helpful!
Such great advice! As the mother of three now-older children I can tell you that your advice works beautifully. I see the relationship between my 24, 21, and 19-year-old and they are so supportive of each other and have become good friends as well as siblings. It might be rough at times but if you can keep pushing through and modeling the behavior you’d like to encourage, it pays off in spades later.
Thank you so much, Sandy! This is very encouraging to all of us! Grateful for your experience and wisdom!
Gosh darn it! I have tears running down my face here!
May I use your presence pledge in my classroom?
Yes, Lauren, thank you. If you would be so kind to keep my name attached that would help me protect my work! I appreciate your helping in spreading the message! FYI to others who are reading: The Presence Pledge is being made into a print in the HANDS FREE MAMA online shop due to all the wonderful requests I have received! Should be available next week.
Oh, my dear friend, you brought tears to my eyes today. This touched my heart, and made me think of all the friends who have been like sisters to me. It also reminded me of how important my relationship with my younger brother is to me (and how much his big sister’s encouragement means to him). We’ll be going on a family vacation next week, so your timing is perfect as usual. 🙂 xoxo
Your posts give me courage to stand firm in living the values I believe in and helping our family do the same. My girls, 5 and 7, consider themselves best friends, and also have plenty of bickering. I want them to be comfortable expressing and living all their emotions, conflict and all and realized that as long as they practiced basic kindness, they could do that in a way that builds without leaving scars. Holding them to that standard has, sometimes painfully, helped me hold myself to the same and I see the difference in all of us. I was in a discussion group and people were trading stories of sibling friction. I said that our expectation in our house is to treat each other with kindness. I felt the skepticism of the group and have been questioning myself on this… but your post is a reminder that even if no one else in the room thinks it’s possible, doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth striving for. Thank you for your continued messages of hope.
Thank you for sharing your story and experience, Laura. I was met with the same type of friction from a parent in my classroom who thought I was overreacting about the way his child put down another child. I stood my ground by explaining that this is how we do things in my classroom–it may not be how he did things at his home, but I wanted the children in my class to feel accepted no matter their intelligence, popularity, or physique. That particular child really made huge strides that year in being more compassionate and loving towards weaker children. I was so thankful and showed me that it is okay to stand up for what you believe in. I am so glad you have too.
Hi Rachel!
This was beautiful and definitely relevant to my life right now. The other day my son asked me if we could get rid of his toddler little brother and just keep the baby.
It really opened my eyes to how we talk about our toddler in front of my son because we often complain about how difficult it is to wrangle him– but I realized we are building in my oldest’s mind a concept of how our family feels about him.
My new goal is to make sure our sons only hear us saying positive things about each of our kids. Sometimes it’s easier said than done but you’re right, these are relationships worth protecting!
This was my favorite post of yours so far. It was so timely for me. Thank you
Wow……this post really hit home. I have 2 girls- 6 and 4, and I strive for them to have a close relationship unlike the one I have had with my own sister. When I first started reading this, I was thinking about how this story applies to my girls, but then realized that their relationship is fine-it’s the relationship with my sister I need to fix.
As the older sister, I am VERY guilty of not supporting my younger sister. We are 6 years apart, and it seemed to be a huge age difference as we were growing up. She was a baby when I was starting my school age years. She was just getting into playing Barbies as I was coming out of that stage and more into playing with my friends. She was just into making up a “dance show” as I was more interested in being on the phone calling boys. She was just meeting her first boyfriend as I was moving out with mine. She was moving to AZ with the family as I was staying in CA starting my own life. She was starting her high school years and I was a state away and absent from it all. It seems that we have never been on the same timeline until recently. We both have 2 kids and they are only months apart. However, I am still not the supportive sister I should be.
My girls are so close that we call them Super-Buddies most of the time. This summer has been spent having slumber parties every single night. They are both each other’s support and coach. Sure there are times that they both get mad and frustrated with each other, and say hurtful things. But they always are forced to apologize, and most of the time they don’t mean what they said. I explain that those words hurt and imagine if your sister said that to you.
Thank you for this. It is encouraging to read that I am doing something right in this parenting gig! And thank you for helping me to realize it’s not too late to build a better relationship with my little sister. (she HATES to be called that still to this day!).
Rachel~ I love your post. It resonates with me, as a mother of 4 children (19, 17,15, 14…two boys and two girls). I have watched the nuances between my children over the years. Sometimes it has been painful and sometimes I couldn’t be more proud of the support they give one another. My daughters are 22 months apart. The older daughter is a perfectionist, as well as a compassionate person that cares what people think and she follows the rules. The younger daughter is a free-spirit, quick witted creative soul that marches to her own beat. As teenagers they seem to have become closer and more patient with one another….on most days. I’ve actually seen them take on some of the other persons traits over the years. One of the themes I’ve stressed with them over the years is that God put them in the same family so they could learn from one another. Within our own family, they get to learn that the world is made up of all different kinds of people. ‘God doesn’t want us all to be the same’ is a line I’ve often used. Our younger daughters sense of humor seems to make everyone’s day a little brighter. Our older daughters compassion seems to make us all a little more aware of our ‘kindness’ meter. Together we melt together to make a wonderful ‘work in progress’ family. Our home is the beginning of a ‘science experiment’ for life. I love that you reminded us in your post that the relationships between siblings should be that ‘safe place.’
I love the honest conversation you had with your older daughter. So very powerful. You seem to have an amazing way of carefully articulating your words so they are delivered with honesty and compassion. By having this conversation, you took the TIME and CHOSE to make this a priority. Thank you for sharing your hands free journey, so we can all be reminded of what can be important to each of us.
Thank you for your wonderful articles. It upliftes & encourages me.
My daughter’s get so much out of what you say & it helps to make them better moms!
I love your writings so keep it up.
As tears roll down, I need to tell you that this was a lovely, heartfelt and touching piece. As a relatively new mom to a two year old daughter and 3 month old daughter, I’ve been thinking a lot about how my words, actions, emotions and reactions are affecting my little angels, both in good and bad ways. There are times when I am so exhausted that I really have to control myself, so as not to break down or take my frustration out on my toddler. Reading this was very timely for me and I thank you for sharing! I especially liked your pledge and will try to read it at least once every day.
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. – you have a wonderful gift that touches so deep. I love the strength that you have, to share how many of us feel but just do not have the words to put together the way you do. You have a true gift, craft, an art. I truly value your talents, respect you as a human/mother/daughter/wife/friend/aunt/neighbor and so many more. Thank you for all that you do, doing what you love and being so passionate. Your book is amazing and so is your blog. I look forward to every post. Thank you Rachel! 😉
Oh my goodness, I am so touched by your gracious and empowering words. I will not forget this. Thank you for taking time to lift me up.
Rachel, thank you. My two daughters and I lost their father to brain cancer almost two years ago. Although mostly we are doing well, the sibling rivalry unravels me, and them. Your post came in the nick of time – school starts Monday and for the first time, they will be at the same school. Maybe a blessing, might be a curse.
My older daughter read your post as I made dinner Wednesday night. When I called to her to come tell me what she thought, she ran into the kitchen with tears streaming down her cheeks, sobbing that she didn’t want to be a mean bully big sister. Your post opened a dialogue and gave me chance to talk to her honestly about how we influence others, love and guilt. And of course, my responsibility in this painful cycle of communication.
We discussed, “Let’s do better together” etc, as well as the remarkable, under-sung things my girls do for each other that are like your kind big sister. Together we approached my littlest girl. My oldest deeply apologized to her sister for all the times she’s been mean. Little sis looked up, surprised at her sisters’ sad face and said, “It’s okay. Can I play with your Leap Pad?”
Thanks for being a voice that speaks to me and mine. We needed that.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, Mindy. It means the world to me that you shared this post with your daughter and the dialogue and action it created. This is so uplifting to me! Thank you so much for taking time to share your story. I so appreciate it.
Hello, Thank you so much for what you said I have 7 sisters no brothers and we don’t always see eye to eye but we have each others backs and I want to say thank you for reminding me of what a special gift that is. Also I am a CASA volunteer I work with abused or neglected children that have been taken from their parents. That poem your wrote I would love to share in the training classes I also teach if I could. Please keep doing what you are doing and May Good Bless You and Your Family.
Yes, absolutely, Dawn. Please share the pledge in the CASA training classes. I would be honored. Thank you for the important work that you do for all of our children. Bless you!
Rachel, Please keep writing. Your words give me inspiration. When I am a tired parent, they refuel and refresh me. I have been reading your book and sharing so many of your thoughts with my mom friends. I also have two daughters (2 and 4 years of age), so I especially appreciate your stories. This last one was great. I admit, I had tears and still do. The whole time I just kept thinking of my two sweeties. It also made me think of a recent sermon I was listening to on how our words can bring either life or death (Proverbs). Anyway Lady, you are beautiful…thank you for sharing your God-given gift with us and keep on doin’ what you’re doin’!
Thank you Rachel. For making me realize its not too late, that there is still hope, that if we give up where do we go from there. I’m still struggling but your writing gives me strength. I’m so greatful to God for opening up this door for me through you. Bless you.
This means so much to me, Hafsa. Thank you for letting me know you are here, walking beside me. Bless you, too, friend.
I’m raising siblings now and I love this piece. Right now they do build each other up more than tear down but this is exactly what I want to teach them. And, of course, I’ll have to make sure I’m better at it myself.
Really loved reading ” A Relationship Worth Protecting” ! It has opened my eyes as to how my children behave toward eachother! Gave me insight on how to hopefully change these things! My youngest, age 10, is already worried about her body! She won’t wear cute clothes bc she seems to think she is fat! She will only wear baggy t-shirts! I’m trying to change that! And after reading this blog I’m going to make sure her sister and brother help by not name calling but encouraging her to wear other things and to let her know she is not fat! Thanks so much for your stories!
I didn’t think I would do this today. But when I saw her smile again today, I knew that I just HAD to do something. I was about to tell her how I admire her attitude so many times before, but somehow I didn’t have the courage, there were usually so many people around.
You see, there’s this young saleswoman at the small grocery store in our neighborhood. This is where you get the best bread in our town, always fresh and very soft. The store is next to our railway station, there’s always a line there. The lady does her job really fast. I guess it usually takes her some 6 seconds to serve a customer. And she takes her 6 Second Challenge every day, hundreds of times: she smiles at every customer. (You do know that people here, in Russia, don’t smile often. Even those who work with clients usually don’t feel like smiling). Sometimes her eyes look quite tired, but her face is always smiling.
She almost never gets a smile back or even a thank you. (It’s the ways things are here, unfortunately). The line is moving fast, everybody is too hurried. It doesn’t stop her from looking people in the eyes and smiling. She’s been doing this for years. So when my daughter and I entered the shop this morning and there was no one else in, I thought about the 6 Second Challenge. I bought her my favorite chocolate and told her that I loved how she was doing her job, that I thought of her ability to smile without expecting anything in return and it made me happy. She was at a loss for words; she looked quite surprised. I wonder if somebody has ever told her. It took me 6 seconds to do it. People really need to know how beautiful they are. And it is so easy – just to tell them. I just wish I would never forget about it. Please, PLEASE, keep reminding, Rachel!
You brought me to tears, Julia!! THANK YOU for accepting the challenge and sharing the beautiful results. This is SO inspiring. What an amazing use of 6 seconds that I am certain will live in that woman’s heart indefinitely.
And now YOU brought me to tears. I’m so HAPPY.
I thought I was commenting on your last post though, but something didn’t work out the way I wanted. 🙂
Rachel,
Look what you inspired! Through Julia, you touched the life of a saleswoman in Russia. I love this blog!
Julia’s story reminded me of something I learned at Landmark Education: “There is no appreciation unless it is spoken.” Pretty powerful when you think about it.
Now, thanks to your 6-second Challenge, not only did Julia notice, and appreciate the saleswoman’s effort, she spoke it! http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/08/26/how-to-change-someones-story/ Way to go, Julia!
There’s no appreciation unless it is spoken – I will be thinking about this today. And also about all the other breakthrough quotes form your blog that I now have in my diary. Thank you, Sandy!
this post made me cry! I am 2 years older than my brother and growing up, I was horrible to him!! Why was I so horrible! I didn’t let him hang out with my friends and basically isolated him. He ended up moving far away after college to get away from everyone and I am left with such regret at how I treated him into my teenage years. Thanks for posting it!
While I only have one little person, this message spoke volumes to me and reminded me that words are just as important as actions. I want my daughter to be the person that inspires, bring happiness, comfort, and joy to people and she’s only going to learn that by seeing it put into action by her mama. Thank you for the reminder.
I just finished reading this post and it brought me to tears! I have a 4 year old daughter and am expecting another girl in March 2015. You provided helpful parenting and real life experience that helped me realize how important a big sister role, actually the role of a sibling plays in another sibling’s life. It brought back memories of when I was growing up and made me think of moments I had with my younger sister. We are very close now and am happy we have that bond. Thank you for such a great article and helping me me slow down and “smell the flowers”. I enjoy your blog very much!
My younger boy has started reception this week. I dropped him and his big, 8 years old brother off in the morning at their school breakfast club, all anxious, worrying about how the little one will manage. I said – See you later boys, have good day, and the little one’s hand found his big brothers hand. They walked in together, holding hands, waving goodbye. I waved back smiling and as they disappeared inside my tears started to roll.
Rachel, I’m dealing with the same kind of situation between my boys as you described between your girls, pushing eachother buttons, lots of arguments. And as I was reading your post I realised I was trying to achieve the same thing – make my home, my family a safe heaven. Seeing my boys walking together to school like that made me feel so happy. Yes they do argue a lot, but they love eachother a lot as well.
Your words inspired me once more – I’ll use them if I need to chat to my big boy about the way he treats his little brother again.
Since I discovered your blog my outlook on so many things has changed dramatically and I feel like I’m improving a little everyday – thank you once again Rachel!
Thank you, Emila. Your story really touched my heart. I am so grateful you shared it and also let me know my words brought confirmation to your heart. It is an honor to walk beside you on this journey.
Oh sweet Rachel – THIS. These words and this honesty opened my heart this morning and gave me a new clearer vision for who I want to be and the atmosphere I want to partner with God to create in our home. Gosh, I love you. I can’t wait to see you soon!
Thank you, Amy! I really appreciate this loving feedback. I cannot wait to see you either! Love you, friend.
Beautiful reminder. Thank you
Rachel,
You are a gift. You so often leave me in tears, not of sadness but of greatfulness. Thank you to your sister for encouraging you to put your words out into the world. They are significant, meaningful and so necessary.
I appreciate every word you have written. Thank you, friend. I will tell my sister what you said, as well. Blessings.
You are such an amazing writer, you have a great gift and we (readers) are so lucky you get to share it with us. Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and experiences, the good and the bad, it must not always be easy, but know that we are always grateful.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me this. It means everything.
I have never once responded to something that I have read in a blog, so this is a first for me. You often write messages that reach inside to a special place that only mothers will understand. This one though, was written in a way that I felt you put into such incredible words, the thoughts inside my head that I have been trying so desperately to convey to my children. I have been struggling to get this message across to them and I just haven’t been able to say it as well as you did with this post. Thank you seems small, as I can’t wait to read this to my family and share how deeply I agree with every word you wrote here. You are making a difference, just thought you should know.
I am so glad you commented, Jodi. What you have written to me is a true gift. It has made a difference in my day … and will be used as fuel for future writings. I am grateful.
As perhaps one of a handful of males who read your posts, I applaud you. As a parent of now grown children we worked at being sensitive to building the self esteem of children as a family project. Little girls in particular are especially vulnerable to reflecting on negative messages in their most formative years. My wife helped me to be most aware of this challenge during my children’s awkward preteen and early teen years. I am glad for her intuitive wisdom and understanding to combine with the empirical experience of child-rearing & teaching valuable lessons among siblings. Thank you for your continuing insight.
Thank you, Audry, for this meaningful contribution to this post. I also greatly appreciate your encouraging words to me. It really means a lot!
Reading your posts speak to my heart and make me try harder to be a better person, mother, wife, sister, daughter, etc. I just wanted you to know you have that effect on people!
Thank you, Tonya! That means so much to me!
Rachel, I am chuckling at myself tonight. Each time I read one of your posts, I think, “wow”, I need to let Rachel know this one was my favorites! Then, the next one I read becomes my favorite. Too funny! Regardless, I enjoy your posts and always walk away with food for thought. Tonight, I am reminded of choosing words carefully when I speak to my faculty. The points you make for personal relationships have equal relevance in professional relationships. Thanks for always helping me view life through a new lens.
Oh Becky, positive feedback from you means so much to me! I consider you one of the wisest, most compassionate human beings on this earth, so to know you found value in this post is truly a gift. I am thankful you feel that my articles apply to many types of relationships—that is always my hope as I write. Sure is good to hear from you today. I love that you have so many “favorites” — makes me smile
This is plain beautiful. Simply put and very very powerful. Loved the thought and the way you shared it. Keep spreading happiness 🙂
I love this and I thank you for this. Knowing your big sister in real life, I truly relate to all that you’ve said and I am going to have a conversation like you had with your oldest daughter with our oldest (he’s the big brother to the little sister). I admit that between the kids there have been words said which clearly hurt the other person ~ I appreciate this wording so I can better explain how we all want to act to be supportive of one another in this family – and with our friends/loved ones. THANK YOU!!
XOXO!
Ansley
This reminded me of a tape I had years ago. The speaker referred to the need for some of us to be “balcony people”, the encouragers, the listeners. I will have to find that tape and listen to it again.
Beautiful! I am teary-eyed. These words struck me the most – “We all need someone in our corner, to have our back, to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. It made me realized how I terribly missed my sisters.
Thank you. Keep on inspiring!
This is absolutely beautiful. I am the ‘little sister’ of 3. At 45, I am still called ‘my little sister’ by my siblings. We just celebrated my parents’ 50th anniversary and the greatest gift they taught us was how much family matters and how we all stand by each other.
When my older son became a big brother–(and asked when we were taking the baby brother back to the hospital. How much longer was he going to have to stay here:) ). I did tell him ‘you don’t have to like him, but you do have to treat him with respect”.
Well- 10-years later they are bosom buddies and people are surprised by their thick bond. With my older one turning 10 and little brother 7.5 I am seeing for the first time a little bit of the snarkiness from the older one on occasion to his younger sibling. This post was so great to teach me how to deal with it.
Siblings are some of the most powerful relationships. They share a history that nobody else in the world does with us. My siblings had our moments throughout the years–nothing that laughter and jokes couldn’t cure and to this day we respect the quirks and differences, never hold a grudge, forgive slights and love each other, each other’s children and our parents fiercely.
I saw this weekend when my mother’s own 3 brothers and their families came far to celebrate this 50th anniversary with us and how my ‘only’ child father fit in just like one of the siblings. I saw just what is important in life.
This is a gift I want to leave for my boys. Right now- the little one worships his older brother and the older brother is so proud when his little brother does something and I see him ‘ruff’ up his hair and pat him on the back. That is the best feeling in the world for me.
Wow. I’m getting flashbacks of my sister and me growing up. Except I was the older sister who wasn’t always nice. I got mad if she hung out with my friends. I wasn’t giving and charitable. I wish I had been better, but maybe its never too late to be kind. As adults, I go out of my way to be nice. And maybe that’s what matters.
I am the oldest (male) of nine and my siblings still appreciate my kindness in growing up. With six sisters who seem to always be a constant irritation, I was not always so kind….until one day my mother pulled me aside and gave me how girls should be treated with the teaching admonition of: “How would you like someone else to treat one of your sisters in the same way as you are doing?” Apparently the lesson resonated and stuck as I am close to all of my sisters (and brothers) today. For sure, the intervention wisdom of a good mother is lifelong and priceless. Rachel, keep exhorting to all mothers as they are in many ways the intuitive emotional backbones of most families