I’ve come a long way since the days of tearing myself down in front of a mirror. But once in awhile, certain life circumstances cause doubt to creep in and I feel myself going down a slippery slope. For the past several weeks, I have been sliding. You see, I’ve been preparing for this momentous day, September 8th, for many months—years, actually. It’s the day my new book, Hands Free Life, releases. And as this day has gotten closer, the Judger in my Veins has gotten louder.
I have been working longer hours than usual. I have not been getting proper sleep or engaging in self-care practices that are critical for my health and wellbeing. And even though I know this feeling of overwhelm is only temporary and life will go back to normal soon, the Judger in my Veins has been hitting all my vulnerable spots. Like a heckler from the crowd, there’s a judgmental comment on just about everything:
A good mom would have said yes to that request.
A good friend would have picked up instead of letting it go to voicemail.
A good spouse would be listening better right now.
A good writer writes about current events.
A good daughter would ask her parents more questions instead of just talking about herself.
A good post-surgery patient would not be up at one o’clock a.m. writing.
For the past several weeks, the list of judgments against me has been long and relentless. And it was only five days ago that I fully acknowledged what I was doing to myself and how imperative it was to stop. I was in the middle of responding to a blog reader who was going through a challenging time. In her message, she confessed to reacting to her daughter in ways that were damaging and hurtful. Although the reader had recently experienced some success with being more positive and calm, she felt like a failure. This was my response:
I know it does not feel like it right now, but you are doing many things right. You are asking yourself hard questions. You are asking for help. You are staying calm in the face of extremely hurtful words and reactions from your child. I am certain you will get through this difficult period because your love and commitment to your daughter is evident in the words you write. I have something to help you get started. This is your homework tonight: I want you to notice all positive interactions you have with her and any positive actions she does. Do it for yourself. Do it for her. And then speak of them. “I appreciated the kind voice you used to talk to me just then.” Or “I love the way you dug into that meal I made! That makes me feel good.” Or “I love how you treated your sister/brother just then. You are good at figuring out how to help.” Notice her face when you say these things – even if it is not a smile, look for a more relaxed expression or a sense of relief. Anytime you to see a tiny glimmer of light on her face, grab it. Hold on to it. Let it give you hope for the next five minutes. Let it give you hope for better days. They are coming.
It was while proofreading my message before sending it that something struck me. This message was not just for my reader, it was also for me. I began to cry as I whispered a prayer of thanks to the One who had started me on this Hands Free journey and continues to guide me when I lose my way.
I knew exactly what I needed to do: Stop noticing everything I was doing “wrong” and notice the good – even the slightest positive actions. This is exactly how I helped my students with severe behavior disorders change their negative habits and begin to thrive. These were students who came to me after getting kicked out of multiple classrooms and schools. They came to me so hopeless and beat down. I was able to build them back up by noticing the good, any good, I could find. I could only imagine what the voice in their head sounded like so I tried to create a new voice. Sometimes it was difficult to see the good with problems so vast and attitudes so hostile, but the good was there.
“Wow. I just noticed you walked from the pencil sharpener to your seat while keeping your hands to yourself! Way to go!”
“You wrote your name on your paper. Look at how beautifully you made the L! Take a moment and celebrate yourself!”
“You scooted over and made room for your classmate. Thank you for being so kind.”
And the one I used every single day was:
“You are here! You made it! I am so glad you came to school today!”
It was quite amazing how different the students began behaving once the teachers in our classroom began pointing out every positive rather than every negative. By the end of the school year, most of the students were learning and cooperating in ways no one ever expected.
As for me, it’s only been five days of recognizing the positives. But with each recognition, I feel change happening. My inner dialogue is slowly sounding less judgmental and more celebratory:
I just used patience with my child when I felt myself getting very agitated. Whew! Good for me.
I just asked for help in editing an article. I did not try to push myself pass the point of exhaustion. And my friend was honored that I asked. Good for me.
I just took a small rest because I love my body, and I want it to heal.
I just said yes to hitting golf balls with my family and did not worry about time. I got lost in the moment and had a lot of fun. Good choice, Rachel.
My reaction was less than stellar, but at least I kept my cool. I sensed my voice was raising and caught myself before it escalated.
I said I was sorry and that is not easy for me. I am proud of myself.
With each small celebration, I felt more hopeful … more peaceful … and more like the person and parent I want to be. And then divine intervention stepped in to provide the assurance my weary heart most needed right now. A beautiful friend and writer posted a picture of Hands Free Life on social media. She’d only had the book a short time and already it was dog-eared, underlined, highlighted, and lovingly devoured.
She captioned the photo with this: “I have had a very busy couple of days, and every time I have a spare few moments I am spending them savoring Rachel’s book. I find myself perpetually on the verge of tears, marking pages I want to revisit, making notes, and most importantly, I have stopped several times, put the book down, and sought out one of the kids to hug … or to hatch a plan … or to NOTICE.”
All at once, I breathed what felt like the weight of a thousand bricks. And I heard the loving voice of assurance tell me what I’d been longing to hear:
It was hard. Writing this book was so very hard. You put your heart and soul into every page, but look! Look what’s happening. You can let it go now. You can let it go now. Goodness will come from it.
Release day.
Release day.
I had no idea how powerful two words could be.
And I want you to know too.
On the official release day of Hands Free Life, I want to inspire release in your heart, in your soul, in your mind. What do you need to be released from? Take what you need, my friends. Take the one that speaks to you and cling to it. Use it as a prayer, a mantra, or a daily vow—hold it close in anticipation of the goodness that is to come …
- Today I release myself from damaging words I’ve carried around for far too long. I am not my past. I am not the opinions of others. I am not too far gone to ever be redeemed. I am strong. I am resilient. I am a survivor. Today I stop looking at how far I have to go and look at how far I’ve come.
- Today I release myself from guilt over poor choices and lost opportunities. Choosing to berate myself each day for things I cannot change is only robbing me of today. Those who I have wronged have forgiven me. It is time for me to forgive myself. It is time to love myself.
- Today I release myself from the mistaken idea that what happened to me was my fault. It was not my fault. I was the victim then, but I am not going to be the victim now. I am worthy of happiness … peace … and freedom. I will not let anyone take another day of my precious life.
- Today I release myself from pain and insecurity. I will no longer let it dictate my life. I will no longer let it stop me from doing what my heart longs to do. I might only be able to stand for five minutes. I might have shaky hands. I might speak in a whisper, but today I push my story … my passion … my art … my ideas into the world and into the light.
- Today I release myself from judgment. I will train my eyes to notice all that I am doing right. I will offer myself grace when I mess up. I am only human after all. And by offering myself grace, I offer my loved ones grace. I no longer want to be so busy judging myself that I am unable to love myself.
- Today I release myself from the pressure to be perfect. Perfection is not possible and I am destroying my spirit trying to keep up this façade. Today I will let someone in on the real me. I will admit my hardest truths, my most painful scars, even if it is just to myself. Today I will stop spending so much time polishing the outside and start healing the inside.
- Today I release myself from having to have everything figured out. Things are not where I want them to be, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get there. Today I surrender the need to create a certain outcome and trust that it will work out as it should in time. Perhaps it will be even better than the plan I envisioned.
My friends, release yourself from the Judger in your Veins, the Bully in Your Head, the Inner Critic who can single-handedly destroy any shot you have at true happiness. See the good, any and all the good, in yourself, in your family, and in your life. And then celebrate what you find. Feel free to start with one affirmation that my most troubled student said after I recognized the good in him faithfully and consistently for six months.
“I got in trouble on the bus, Mrs. Stafford, but I am here. I made it to school. I am here!”
My friends, you are here. You made it. I made it. We made it.
Let us celebrate with every spark of life we have in our veins.
***************************************************
Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, thank you for making release day for Hands Free Life so special. It is your faithful companionship and unending support that make this journey so fulfilling. If you were inspired by the declarations listed in the “I release myself from …” section of this post, please know I have sprinkled such declarations throughout the book. You can purchase my new book online at amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com or visit any Barnes & Noble store near you. Scroll down to read the most recent book reviews written by some of the most talented bloggers and authors on the Internet. You can also hear me share my most helpful tips for living and loving in the podcasts with Dr. Laura of Aha parenting and Casey of Joyful Courage.
Today is extra special because I share this release day with an extraordinary author and friend. Emily Wierenga‘s memoir, Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity & Purpose, is filled with so much hope and healing. This is what I emailed Emily after reading her manuscript back in February:
“I am so conflicted about this endorsement because I could never articulate what this book means to me and how it affected me. You are one of the most extraordinary writers I have ever encountered. Your way with words is magical. I find myself reading and re-reading passages that are simply works of art. I am in awe of your courage, as well. You touch on so many emotions we never want to talk about, but you share them and offer a sense of peace and comfort. There were so many divine affirmations in the pages of your book. And I must tell you, I have a friend who is really struggling. She kept coming to mind as I read your manuscript. I know she needs to read the hope-filled truths in your book. Do you mind if I send her the manuscript now that I am finished with it? I don’t think we should wait until the book comes out to provide her with this gift.”
Emily said yes, and it was exactly what my friend needed. Maybe it is exactly what you need. Please consider ordering the book and/or listening to Emily’s free webcast on Peace, Identity and Purpose with Liz Curtis Higgs, Holley Gerth, Joann Fore and Jennifer Dukes Lee on September 10th at 8 pm. Sign up here.
Here are the most recent Hands Free Life book reviews
I encourage you to check out these incredible bloggers–so much wisdom and beauty in their words:
Change Someone's Story by Katrina Anne Willis
A Book Review: Hands Free Life by Papa Green Bean
Eyes Up by Aileen of Small Steps of Change
Why I Needed a Break by Katie of Playing With Words 365
Hands Free Life is Here by Lori of Wisdom Comes Suddenly
9 habits for overcoming distraction, living better, & loving more by Anne of Domesblissity
A Life That Matters by Jenny of Raising Cat and Bug
Living Hands Free by Dana of Writing at the Table
How a ‘Hands Free Life' Has Changed Me by Tammi at Momma's Meals
Make Saying ‘No' a Habit by Jill at A Mom with a Lesson Plan
How to Find Joy in Motherhood by The Measured Mom
Hands Free LIfe Review by Dr. Jessica Michaelson
When Life is Chaotic, What Choice Do You Have? by Dayna of Lemon Lime Adventures
Hands Free Life by Amy of Beloved Atmosphere
Live Hands Free: Thoughts on Striving to Live Unplugged by Cassandra at The Unplugged Family
Hands Free Life: A Review by Regina at A Journaled Life
Recent Podcasts with Rachel:
Joyful Courage Podcast & Aha Parenting podcast
Congratulations, Rachel, the book is done and it is, I guarantee, perfect . Be proud of it, be sure in it, own it because it is good and decent and kind and sweet. You gave so much of yourself, I understand that. As a reader of your work I’d like to say, thank you.
Godspeed on a new journey which your book will illuminate so brightly. As always, peace Rachel, God’s peace.
Bill
Congratulations! You inspire me every day! When I get home from work today, I should have a brown box on my porch with your book in it! I’m excited to start reading it!
I’m fighting the perfectionist in my mind. I’m going to take your words and say them over and over today! Today I will not let perfection ruin my happiness as it’s done in the past! THANK YOU!
Rachel, for a couple of years your posts have hit so close to home I’ve been in tears by the end of them. Today’s really struck me. It’s been an exceptionally stressful summer, particularly the last month. My jaw aches from the bully inside of me clenching at all of my – and my seven year old son’s – “failings”. On our last day together before he starts first grade tomorrow, I WILL point out all of good that both of us do today and let go of the rest. Thank you. I’m inspired to get your book. Recently you posted an offer that if we bought your new book, we’d get your first one for free. Is that still available or was it only a pre-order deal? Thank you! And thank God for you and your gifts.
Hi Jen, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment and for being so real and honest. It is so comforting to know we don’t walk this path alone. Thank you for asking about the book offer — it was just a pre-order deal. So sorry!
I am so excited that your book is finally released and so many more wonderful individuals, families, friends, children and spouses are going to benefit from the changes made by someone in their lives. You have the ability to change so many lives in our world. Thank you for the hard work you have done to provide for so many.
This blog post will be a gift to many. I know that I am certainly guilty of judging myself far to harshly. I am sorry that you have been struggling with this at a time when so many others are celebrating you!! If only we could hear in our heads all the wonderful things others think about us. As you know, I have been struggling to heal physically, which also affects my emotions. There have been many who have lifted me up at this time and I am inspired by your post to send them written letters, IN THE MAIL, and let them know exactly how much they mean to me. Maybe they do not know? As always, thank you for the inspiration you provide to so many. Blessings to you, dear friend.
With love,
Jenny
PS.. Even though I want to say, Never stop writing….I also want to say -Rachel…take a break, you need it and we will all be here when you return. Those who need your words have hundreds of blog posts to read through and two books to open up if they need to hear your words. Thank you for providing that for me during the 21 days I could not move. Your blog and books SAVED ME!!!
You are such a blessing to me, Jenny. And your understanding that I might need a break now brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for knowing … and for loving me.
Here is my review. And, Rachel, I am so in love with this book, that I am crying. http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/2015/09/a-hands-free-life-is-here.html
I am a huge fan of using positive attention and responses when it comes to kids and even to other adults… but I can honestly say I have never ever thought to do it for myself. I recently had a rut that I could just not pull myself out of. I’m bookmarking this for when I hit a spot like that again.
Thank you for the light and love you spread and congrats for today!
Thank you, Jill! This makes me feel so good to know I brought something of value into your life. You do that for so many of us each day!!! Thank you for all your support!!
Your words are continually a balm to my soul ~ today even moreso than usual! I have copied down many things you have written here, particularly about recognizing my “heckler in the crowd” and how I’ve slipped back into judging myself as stress mounts. I hadn’t noticed that I was pointing out my own negatives (or perhaps allowing an enemy to divert my focus to them!?) rather than looking at my progress. I wept as I quoted you in my journal, “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are doing many things right.” My prayer is that I make a habit of noticing the good about me as well as others. I am so grateful to God for you and your writing. Bless you!
Thank you for letting me know, Teresa. Your comment touches me deeply and affirms my writer’s heart.
Congratulations (and simultaneously, thank you!), Rachel! I look forward to reading your book, just as I do each of your inspiring and affirming posts. YOU are a gifted writer, and your writings are a gift… to me and to many. Enjoy this! 🙂
I just got your book in the mail today and cannot wait to read it. Thank you!
I heard you on Jenny McCarthy today! I heard that you were coming on and I got SO EXCITED!!!! I rewound it and listened AGAIN!!! So happy for you!!! Thank you for BEING! Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your heart and soul. 🙂 Eileen
YAY! Thank you Eileen! I had such a fun time on Jenny’s show! I am excited to know you loved it so much that you listened twice!!! 🙂
Congratulations!
Precisely what I needed to read today. I have not opened your blog emails for a long time, God’s goodness I should open it today.
So many times I have received your blog at just the right time … and today, after reading it, I am once again in tears. I don’t know how you do it but I am so glad you do! I have been kicking myself all evening after finding out I missed an event at my daughter’s school today and the guilt has been overwhelming me. The common sense voice in my head has been telling me that it’s fine, I try hard, I’m not only a mum of three but a three day a week teacher, I’ve apologised, she seems fine … but the “judger” in me, as you put it so well, has been harsh. Thank you for your words, you have turned my day around xxx
Another heartfelt article that perfectly captures the feelings associated with doing too much and feeling like you’re not doing a good enough job. You are an excellent writer. I especially loved your response to one of your blog readers by accentuating the positive in even the smallest interactions. Congratulations on finishing your book. I can’t wait to read it!
I love your blog and I can’t wait to get your book! Thank you Rachel.
Rachel – inspiring as always! When I was growing up, we had a saying, “ShouldaCouldaWoulda” (don’t pronounce it phonetically!) to refer to the need to put away guilt, to let go what can no longer be changed. When you release yourself FROM the ShouldaCouldaWoulda, you release yourself TO the possibilities, the opportunities, the choices… Bless you for all of your insights and sharing, you are a real gem!
I love this!!! I am going to adopt it! Thank you, Lee. Much love to you!
I’ve just shared your article with as many as I can reach, for it truly pours soothing water to the roots of my soul. Thankyou.
Aren’t you just a treasure??? THANK YOU! Sharing my words with someone else is the greatest gift I could receive! And my, what a beautiful thing to say about my writing. I will remember that.
Rachel I’ve been reading your posts via Facebook for a while now and they always touch something deep within me when it relates to how I interact with and observe my two children. I often have a tear in my eye as I read, even if it’s highlighting something I feel I’m okay at doing – there’s something incredibly engaging and special in the way you write. I love how your mind thinks and how those thoughts are transferred so well into your writing. Your daughters have an absolute gem for a mother. Thank you for the gift you share and a hearty congratulations on Release Day! Now take a well earned break and enjoy some time to relax and sooth your soul 🙂
Congratulations on the new book. I’m sure it’s excellent as you’re a wonderful writer who can bring out emotion and offer insight.
Congratulations also on remembering your mission and acting on it even when times are tough.
Seeing and celebrating the good is something I need to do more regularly.
Whenever I read your posts I feel that the connection between us all is undeniable. How do you manage to pull on the common threads of exactly what is going on in my life (and others who have commented) every single time? It’s no coincidence, I think you are tapped into a powerful source and by sharing your thoughts in such eloquent posts, you touch and inspire me to fight against the challenges that inevitably crop up and interfere with living life intentionally and lovingly. Thank you, as always, for sharing. You have no idea how important your words are to me.
I am so grateful for this feedback. Thank you for walking beside me and encouraging me in such a profound way. I am fueled by your words today.
Just a little note to say a very big CONGRATULATIONS on your book release, Rachel! By the way, I love your insight into the word ‘release’ … for me, the hardest part of writing a post is pressing publish and knowing that I’m letting go of control from there! But I keep doing it because it’s worth it to get just one response saying, “This spoke to me.” You have that, and I’m sure you will get MANY more. 🙂 (big hug)
Rachel, congratulations on your new book!
“Release Day” What perfect words to remind ourselves to celebrate the joy and let go of the burden. I am going to re-read what you wrote here again, and again. Thank you!!
I am on the beginning steps of a new and positive journey after a long hard road and what you just wrote is so fitting. I am grateful for the many blessings I’ve had along the way. This experience has changed me somehow but it’s hard to explain and I suppose we are always changing? Growing? I pray that this experience (that I am still coming to terms with) will put me in the position to help others, sooner than later. How that will happen I don’t know, yet. But I have faith that it WILL happen.
Again Rachel, thank you for sharing the gift of your words and the strength that they bring.
I am trying to be a more Hands Free Mama. I love your insight into the struggles that you find within yourself, which I find so often within myself. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability.
Oh my dear Rachel, are you in my brain? I am not releasing a book today, but the Inner Bully has been VOCAL. Thank you for your timely wisdom sister of my heart. <3
Thank you, Claire. I am so comforted to know you walk beside me and share the same struggles. May we both hear the victory song of acceptance today.
I have only recently found your blog and I consider it one of the best finds I have ever made. Your words today resonated so loudly with me and I found myself reading them with tears welling in my eyes. It is such a reassurance to feel understood, even if by a complete stranger. Thank you.
Wow. Thank you. I am having a tough day, and I really needed someone to remind me to forgive myself and not judge myself so harshly. Thank you.
Dearest Rachel,
I echo the sentiments of so many readers here. I am truly Blessed we found one another. Your words, your truth, your actions and your constant strength to share your journey in order to help others are testaments of God’s Love.
“Release Day” – what perfect words! They remind us to let go of all the weight we carry which does not serve us and leave space in our open hearts and hands to celebrate the joys in life! I love it.
A cup-filler/uplifter for you…
Every day, our family takes 5+ minutes to read “Hands Free House Rules” together. As we listen intently to one another and share our highlights and struggles, we support, love, and hug one another. It’s magical. It’s changed our family dynamic significantly. Our 5-year-old isn’t quite reading full sentences, yet she recites each line perfectly. Your words are indelibly etched on her heart. On all of our hearts. Blessed Be.
After years of trials and tests, I am embarking on a new, joy-seeking journey. “Hands Free Life” came at the perfect moment! While I unintentionally allow the beast of depression to creep in from time to time, I am grateful for God’s Gifts of family, friendship, therapy and serendipitous strength I find along my path.
Thank you for sharing your gift of writing and the enduring strength and bond they bring to me and so many others.
Heartfelt Love & Blessings,
Amy Askin