Hands Free Mama

Letting Go...To Grasp What Really Matters

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in Putting Distraction In Its Place

‘Choose Love’ 21-Day Challenge: Part 2

choose love challenge 2

* On September 22, I posted a passage on The Hands Free Revolution page illustrating how ‘Choosing Love' as a first response might play out in a typical day. The concept deeply resonated with many people. I've added it to this post and decided now was the perfect time to bring back this transformative 21-day challenge. Let love start this day. Let love end this day. Let love transform the minutes in between …

I never know where interviews are going to take me – but I can almost always be sure they will take me back—back in time. And although most days I try my best to look forward, sometimes it’s enlightening to reflect back and see something I can only see with time. This is my story, as well as a challenge, should you choose to accept.

It was this, the second to last question during my interview on Better Worldians Radio that stirred something inside me: “With the success of your book and popularity of your website I imagine you could be busier than ever. How do you keep the balance and keep living Hands Free?” asked Gregory, one of the show’s hosts.

I briefly described several strategies I used when I began my journey that are still in practice today. Wanting to place emphasis on what I feel is the most important one, practicing daily distraction-free rituals, I shared this story …

The night before the Hands Free Mama manuscript was due to my publisher I was working furiously to meet my deadline. My parents had come from Florida to help me any way they could.

It was around 8:30 p.m. and I was bent over the keyboard surrounded by empty soda cans, crumpled papers, and used sticky notes.

I felt my mom gently touch my arm. She’d just come from my older daughter’s bedroom. “Natalie requested her nightly Talk Time, Rachel,” she whispered softly.

Without hesitation, I got up from my work and headed straight toward Natalie’s room.

Suddenly my mom called out after me, neither of us knowing that what she was about to say would become one of my greatest Hands Free motivators. “I tried to tell Natalie that you had a lot of work to do tonight but she adamantly said, ‘Grandma, Mama always comes.”

Mama always comes.

I stopped midway up the stairs in an effort to wrap both my brain and hands around those sacred words and accept them as mine.

It hadn’t always been that way, you see. But somewhere along my Hands Free journey, I'd become someone my child could count on to come to her bedside each night to talk—no matter what.

talk time 2

As my radio interview began to wrap up, I was amazed that out of all the things the host could reiterate from our hour-long discussion, he chose this:

“I think these three words are words we all want to hear sometime in our life, even just once: ‘Mama always comes.’”

Hearing the interviewer say those words made me feel just like I did when my mom spoke them that very first time. I was crying now. I desperately hoped the show’s listeners could not sense that I’d become a blubbering mess. With tears dripping down my face, I realized something I could only know now looking back in retrospect:

I could have easily kept working the night my daughter asked for Talk Time, but I didn’t.

Why? Why did I not explain that I was under a tight deadline and it would all be over the next day? Why did I not mention that my author advance and reputation were riding on a punctual submission? Why did I not quickly run upstairs and give Natalie a kiss and promise we’d have Talk Time in the morning?

Of all the times I could have said, “Not tonight,” I didn’t. Why?

Because I chose love.

Just like I did the night before … and the night before that … and the night before that … and the many nights before that.

I chose love that night just like I did on the very first day of my journey when I had no idea how to transform my distracted, joyless, maxed-out life into one of meaningful connection and peace. I wasn’t sure of anything that initial day of my journey except that love was the right choice. Love could never be the wrong choice.

But here’s the most critical element, the piece that made this choice a doable, repeatable action that stuck:

Sometimes I showed up to love without a smile.
Sometimes I showed up to love feeling ugly, worthless, and inadequate.
Sometimes I showed up to love alone and scared.
Sometimes I showed up to love when I didn’t know what I was doing.
Sometimes I showed up to love when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Sometimes I showed up to love even though I had so much to do before the day’s end.
Sometimes I showed up to love when my patience was gone.
Sometimes I showed up to love when I had no love to give.

Despite the obstacles … despite the excuses I could’ve made … despite the pressures and distractions of the outside world … despite the mean voice of my inner critic, I continually showed up to love.

Why?

Because I never left the same way I arrived.

I always walked away a little lighter … a little more at peace … a little more hopeful … a little more grateful … a little more joyful. Love was always the right choice. I never once regretted choosing love over all else.

So I showed up to love again
And again
And again
And again
Until one day I was known as ‘The One Who Always Comes’ to a little girl whose opinion mattered more than the world.

closer than I was before #HFM

Making it a habitual practice to choose love changed my inner fiber, the wiring of my brain, and my entire life perspective regarding what was important. Thus, I’ve come to believe there is one single action that has the power to transform negativity to positivity … distraction to presence … disconnection to connection: Choosing love—choosing love as much as you humanly can.

On any given day, there’s probably 101 things running through your mind—from what you need to do … to what you should do … to what you didn’t do … to what you wish you would’ve done. I know because this was me. It was exhausting. I felt like I was failing a lot. Now I try to go with one action over and over and over. This singular action helps me focus on what matters and let go of what doesn’t. It helps me make better choices and move on when I don’t.

Every minute of every day, I try to CHOOSE LOVE—two transformative words that become ingrained with repetition. Let me show you how CHOOSING LOVE could play out in a typical day:

1. Wake up. Mind starts racing. So much to do. So tired. Instead of reaching for the phone or grumbling about all there is to do, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might sound like this: Today is a new day. I am thankful I have been given this gift. My goal is to get out of bed and greet myself and my family with love. Love is how I will start this day.

2. Child not getting ready. Frustration rises. Instead of threatening or yelling, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might sound like this: How can I help? Let’s set a timer. How quickly do you think you can do clothes, shoes, backpack? Okay, let’s do it. On your mark, get set, GO!

3. Traffic is horrendous. You are going to be late. The whole day is going to be off. Instead of cursing, reaching for the phone, or making a dangerous U-turn, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might sound like this: I have just been given uninterrupted time. I will take this time to breathe. I will ask my child to sing me a song. I will listen to that voice and know it won’t always sound like this. I will take this moment of frustration and turn it into gratitude.

4. Arrive at destination only to be met with criticism, judgment, or rudeness. Instead of taking it personally, wasting your precious energy, or saying something you’ll later regret, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might sound like this: Their negative response is not about me. It is about them. I refuse to let their toxicity contaminate my day, my job, or my life. I will smile and let it go.

5. Perform your duty/assignment, and it is not as good as you’d like. Instead of berating yourself or trying to make it perfect, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might look like this: I have spent ample time and energy on this project. It is good enough for today. My effort is enough to make a positive contribution and that is what matters.

6. Evening packed with sports, meetings, dinner, and homework. Instead of bemoaning your chaotic, crazy life, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

It might look like this: Sometimes it is hard to be here. Tonight is one of those nights. But I am needed. Tonight I will focus on the smile I receive when my loved one spots me on the sidelines. Tonight I will focus on the sound of contentment I hear when my loved one digs into the meal I prepared. Tonight I will focus on the goodnight kiss that is offered to me. I am needed. I am loved. I am here.

7. Fall into bed. Mind starts racing. Instead of reviewing mistakes, failings, and what you didn’t accomplish today, think: CHOOSE LOVE.

Think of all the times you chose love today. And even if it was only once, celebrate it. In the midst of chaos, inconvenience, frustration, and crabby people, you chose love. With the millions of other choices you could’ve made, you chose love. Love is how this day will end.

My friends, consider the possibilities for a moment: What might result if love becomes your default choice for 21 straight days? What opportunities might open up? What connections might be repaired? What moments might you grasp that otherwise might be missed? Who might you become?

Instead of

The One Who’s Always Too Busy
The One Who Overreacts
The One Who Never Listens
The One Who Rarely Slows Down
The One Who Always Looks Miserable
The One Glued to the Phone
The One Missing All the Fun
The One Who’s Given Up

You might just become The One You Always Wanted to Be …

A Listener
A Hugger
A Forgiver
A Take Your Timer
A Belly Laugher
A Risk Taker
A Silly Grinner
A Moment Grasper
A Liver of Life

Why? Because good things start with love.

Just show up to love today.
Don’t worry about what you look like or what yesterday looked like.
Just show up to love.
Something tells me you’ll walk away a little better than when you arrived.

Then do it again.

longer than necessary hold 1

*****************************

Friends of the Hands Free Revolution, although I did this challenge back in February, I feel now's the time to do it again. I am excited about the renewed connection & peace this challenge will bring to our lives over the next 21 days. If you are joining me, I’d be grateful if you’d you leave the words, “I Choose Love” in the comment section and share this challenge with someone else. Let’s see what transformations can happen in our relationships, our life’s work, and in our own hearts if we commit to choosing love as often as we can for the next 21 days. 

As a powerful visual reminder, the I CHOOSE LOVE bracelets are reduced by $5 until Monday, September 28th. They are available in aqua green & pink. I CHOOSE LOVE also comes in a vibrant blue non-leather reminder band. 

For more Hands Free Life Daily Declarations like the one below, check out my new book, HANDS FREE LIFE , a #1 Amazon bestseller in Inspiration for 3 straight weeks. I will be doing a Hands Free Life Q&A with Andrea Nair & signing books at Chapters at Square One Mall, 189 Rathburn Road, Mississauga at 7pm on September 30, 2015.  Hope to see many of my Canadian friends there! 

“Today I will choose love.
Tomorrow I will choose love.
 And the day after that, I will choose love.
If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next. I will choose love until it becomes my first response … my gut instinct … my natural reaction. I will choose love until it becomes who I am.” 
-Rachel Macy Stafford 

i choose love

 

Comments

  12. 15

    such good stuff here. Thank you for the reminder that I don’t have to be open and free and happy to show up. Rather, I need to show up in order to get happy and free and open.

    Reply
  14. 17

    Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to your nightly ritual, as my youngest has a song he requests every night. There are nights where I’m knee deep in a project but I go anyway, and am always do grateful to be by his side once I do. If I have to be away from home, my husband plays his song that I recorded on his phone. I’m in for the 21 day challenge, and your challenge lines up perfectly with another by New Tech City about bringing back boredom. It uses an app called Moments to track your cell phone usage and help you get an objective look at your habits. Check it out! In the meantime, I better put down this phone!

    Reply
  18. 21

    Thank you for your blog. I’m so glad I came across it…it’s exactly what I’ve been needing to read. Keep up the great work! Going to do my very best to choose love 🙂

    Reply
  23. 26

    I choose love!
    Lately it came to me how egocentric I am for not loving myself, others and everything else. I am here because nature/God/how you want to call it, has so much trust in me and wants me to be here, and loves me so much. Who am I to think I am not all of that? Who am I to think others, the world, situations, nature, is not all of that?

    Reply
  32. 35

    Thank you for this vital nudge. I have been wrestling with distraction for too long. I will take this 21 days to reconnect, read your book I’ve started and ultimately choose love. I’m so glad I saw this today.

    Reply
  44. 48

    I feel like finding your blog, reading these words, has given voice to my own feelings and beliefs, my own challenges and heartaches on this parenting journey.

    It’s funny, the day before I found your site, I thought about, actually considered tattooing a heart on my wrist, so that when in a rage I could look at my body and be visually reminded to choose love. Currently I wear a bracelet my six year old daughter bought me from the school fair, a black cord with a golden heart. I wear it daily as a reminder… And when I saw your beautiful bracelets I thought, of course, how perfect.

    Choose love, for 21 days, and longer. I will.

    Thank you for understanding and believing in change.

    Reply
  52. 56

    I choose love! Thank you for your inspiration! I am a therapist and my coworkers and I started a challenge ourselves last week to not say anything negative out loud. In just a few days we all noticed a shift in our attitudes at home and at work. This fits right along with our challenge and I love the idea of choosing love for myself, my family, my coworkers, and my clients!

    Reply
  62. 66

    i choose love.
    Thank you for this post. It is just what I need to make it throught the next 21 days. I needed a way to focus on what is most important in a very chaotic and unsettling time of my life. I think this is one of the answers…

    Reply
    • 67

      Me too, Betsy, me too. This could to have come at a more difficult or opportune time! However, hard it seems it might be I Choose Love.

      Reply
  95. 101

    I chose LOVE!
    Children are so precious. I have never been with a child who didn’t make me feel better after being with him/her! Each day and each moment are a treasure with children!

    Reply
  100. 106

    I choose love. Thanks for this. I have no children but I do have my chronically ill mother living with me. I am her caregiver now. I need this reminder to choose love when I am overwhelmed and tired and when whatever I do is criticized by her. I choose love because she did it for me my whole life. I choose love rather than impatience; I choose love rather than nursing hurt over her comments; I choose love rather than anger or sharp words. I choose love rather than despair.

    Reply
    • 107

      Help! how do you show that you choose love rather than despair or hurt? I feel so downtrodden by my girls always ignoring me, saying No, or just plain screaming at the top of my their lungs when I tell them no. How do you show love in those moments of criticism? I want and am trying to choose love, I just don’t feel loved during this time of constant arguing and am sinking under that feeling….

      Reply
      • 108

        Oh, I can soooo relate to this Liz and I’m sure there’s others that can too. I have those moments as well. I only have one to deal with and that’s difficult enough! Reading Rachel’s posts has really helped me just slow down and think differently and I also use the pause before I respond too … I’ve been finding that when these episodes happen, they last for a lot less time when I remain calm and don’t show any stress. And then afterwards, I sit and talk to my 3.5 year old daughter. It’s not easy is it? I’d love to hear Rachel’s response to this as I’ve been wanting to ask the question too. Good luck Liz!!!

        Reply
      • 109

        Liz,

        Rachel has invited me to respond to her readers requesting parent coaching. The pause Brigitte mentioned is a great place to start, and you may be able to use it to turn around your painful moments with your children sooner than you think.

        But for now, a pause may not be enough. If what you are experiencing from your children feels like criticism, remaining quiet with a pause may just make the weight of their criticism and defiance feel even heavier. It could also give your mind time to bring up old self-critical thoughts like “you are not loved.” Something else has to happen first.

        The thing that has to happen is for you to find a new way to see your children’s behavior that doesn’t trigger your hot buttons of “criticism” and “feeling unloved.” No trigger, no reaction, so a loving response becomes possible.

        That’s the work of personal growth that is behind all of Rachel’s progress. The “magic” was in changing the way she saw her children’s behavior. Like Rachel, once you do that, you can use the pause to remind yourself that their behavior does not mean what you used to think. That will deactivate your hot buttons and allow you to choose love.

        An important place to start is by realizing NONE of your children’s behavior is about you. It is about them trying to communicate something to you – what they feel, think, want and/or need.

        When you step into your children’s shoes, you may be amazed to learn that they feel criticized, too, and are lashing out as a defensive reaction, not as a criticism of you. Directions, corrections and boundaries can all feel like criticism to children if the first step of understanding the child’s point of view is skipped. So them ignoring you, their no’s and their screams are their way of trying to make their point that whatever it is that they feel, think, want or need is important! Again, not about you.

        When you understand their point first, their hot buttons get deactivated and their need to defend stops. That’s the moment of connection that is missing when you try to make your point first. The truth is that children can’t listen to you until you listen to them. That’s just how it works.

        I help parents and teachers change how they see children and teach three simple steps for creating connection, cooperation and confidence in my little book SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS). Rachel recommends it to readers frequently. You can read it online free from a PC or MAC here:
        http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book

        Here’s the difference in how it sounds:

        Old way: “I told you to get your shoes on. It’s time to go! Did you hear me? Get up and get over here right now! We’re going to be late!”

        New way: “It’s time to go. Looks like you are deep into your game. Oh dear! I forgot to give you a reminder. I know it’s hard to just stop just like that. You really love to complete things. It’s hard to be interrupted…and that’s how it has to be this time. Hmmm, must be something you can do to make sure to get to finish your game. I know it is really important to you…” Solutions can range snapping a photo to make sure pieces don’t get disturbed if it’s an action figure or building block game and “bringing it with you” in the car by talking about the story that was being played out, bringing it along if it is a portable or tablet game, or whatever solution your child works out as long as it works for you.

        The point is that connecting first and understanding the importance of your child’s interests puts you on your child’s side. Hopefully you can feel in even in this little example.

        The feeling of being on the same side is what creates the loving connections Rachel describes. When you can see the world from the child’s point of view first, the despair and hurt you’ve been feeling no longer come up. They are simply replaced by love and connection. You don’t choose the feeling, you create it by changing how you see your children and pausing time and again to remember to see them with loving eyes.

        An added bonus is that by changing how you see your children, you also end up changing how you see yourself, which is what is needed to change your own self-critical thoughts. I am so glad you have found Rachel. She is on the same journey, just a few important, inspiring steps ahead.

        Reply
        • 110

          Thank you, Sandy. This is so helpful and insightful. I read and read some of your sentences over many times. You really have a way of explaining children’s behavior that inspires more listening, more compassion, and more empathy. I am grateful for your contributions to this blog.

          Reply
      • 111

        Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting (http://smile.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443358218&sr=8-1&keywords=Peaceful+Parent%2C+Happy+Kids%3A+How+to+Stop+Yelling+and+Start+Connecting) by Dr. Laura Markham is the best parenting book I’ve ever read and might be helpful for you. Dr. Markham’s free e-mail tips are also awesome: Go to http://www.ahaparenting.com (which also has tons of great parenting tips!), scroll way down to the bottom, select “3X/Week,” enter your info, and then click “Submit.” Dr. Markham also has a new book out called Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life (http://smile.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Siblings-Fighting/dp/0399168451/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443358365&sr=8-1&keywords=Peaceful+Parent%2C+Happy+siblings).

        Reply
  101. 112

    I choose love.

    Can it truly be that simple? I believe it can.

    I’ve seen such a difference in myself, in my parenting over the last few weeks. Still far from perfect, but every day closer to where I want to be for my children.

    I choose love.

    Reply
  117. 128

    There is no doubt in my mind you were called for this- to inspire others to grasp what really matters. You show it by example. You share. You open up my eyes, and you are spreading so much good. I Choose Love, every day. That is how I want to live.

    On a side note, I remember feeling like I needed to balance my time and prioritize what matters most. I was always so conflicted. I prayed and prayed. Day by day receiving a light, and being guided to the right people, scriptures, and moments that were teaching me what matters most. During that time I stumbled upon your blog by chance. It was not a coincidence. You reassured me what I felt I needed to do. Motherhood looks different now. Thank you. I now share it with all.
    Krysta

    Reply
    • 129

      Grateful for this loving encouragement that feels divinely delivered today. I am truly touched by your words, your faithfulness, as well as the many “I choose love” that are filling the spaces of this blog and confirming that the next 21 days are going to be so, so good. Thank you so much for encouraging me today.

      Reply
  127. 139

    I Choose Love! With Ash Wednesday and lent fast approaching, this couldn’t have come at a better time. Over the years i’ve adopted my own lenten tradition instead of the traditional “giving something up”, i’ve chosen to instead do things and change things to make myself better for my family and to encourage a better, healthier and more loving family attmosphere. This is a perfect addition and i’m excited to be joining you on this 21 day challange.

    Reply
  128. 140

    I choose love
    First day of my 2 girls at their new school in a new country, a few challenges coming up, but I choose love today and forever.

    Reply
  129. 141

    I choose love.
    This blog hit me hard! Looking for change in all the right ways. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for the challenge. I’m all in!

    Reply
  134. 147

    Challenge Accepted!
    Well timed to read this post today, and I completely agree that choosing love makes your soul a little happier, a little brighter, a little lighter.
    Yesterday was not a good day in our house. There was much friction between myself and my 4yo after she threw a tantrum in public when it was time to leave the bounce house. After that, she spent hours being difficult at home. When bedtime rolled around, I felt like I needed a break from the drama of the day and our bedtime routine, and was all set to have her dad put her to bed, but she wanted me instead, and so I relented.
    I immediately felt better and all the hardship of the day melted away, after just a few minutes of snuggle time and singing lullabies. I’m glad I made the choice to carry on with our normal routine. It brought joy and peace that I would not have had otherwise.

    Reply
  136. 149

    Perfect timing for this. I sat down this morning for the first time in more than two years and started writing again. It fits perfectly with this challenge.

    Walking in the garage door, there is shit everywhere. Evidence of an unfinished (but so close to being done—just need GOO GONE!) weekend project: a drywall screw, picture hangers, a bag of trash. At least $200 in items that need to be returned at at least four stores are tucked near the entrance to the laundry room where another load of dirty clothes needs to begin its way through the wash cycle. I barely make it up the stairs before noticing a dirty diaper, my two year old’s wet pajamas (god ,I need to change her sheets before tonight!), at least three pairs of my pre-teen’s shoes, and piles of clothes (are they clean or dirty?). Unopened mail clutters the console table at the entryway, along with a wall shelf that may or may not look right or work well to contain the crap that comes in the front door (spare change anyone?).

    Upstairs is no better. Half deflated birthday balloons, a sink full of dirty dishes, leftover crumbs from making the kids’ lunches the night before. A stack of opened bills stares at me—along with a citation from a vindictive parking officer that I need to (and FOR SURE WILL!) follow up on in order to fight it. And sitting on the kitchen counter near the overripe bananas is a random conglomeration of items: granite cleaner, purple streamers, happy birthday ribbon, a mason jar filled with jolly ranchers, an IKEA vase with yellow popsicle sticks, a Christmas gift called Edible Chemistry, a glass with the words “Wine is Cheaper than Therapy.” It’s fitting that the latter object is stacked higher than the rest—like it’s the mantra that may lead my day.

    It’s my own fault that I am exhausted. Of course my toddler woke up at 4:30am with a wet diaper, but I’m the one that stayed up until midnight watching The Affair and obsessing over finding a specific local fitness class. But, those three hours after the kids go to sleep and my husband passes out represent time when I can do whatever I want, stay online as long as I want, and feed my random compulsive obsessions. No, that’s not true. That’s bullshit. I have the time during the week to do that. And how do I really spend my time? That’s another journal entry.

    Seriously—I’ve had enough of feeling bitter, drained, shackled, and afraid. It’s time I come up for air.

    So, starting today, and for the next 21 days, “I choose love.”

    I have two beautiful daughters who adore me and need my presence. I have a husband who has sacrificed everything to make me happy and needs my presence. I have authentic girlfriends who love me not for the driven, independent, and outspoken mom that others see. They respect that part of me, but also know too well my vulnerable, impatient, sensitive, and melancholy side. That’s the part they really appreciate and what makes our friendships honest and true. They need my presence as well.

    I choose love. And just like that, the phone rings, and I’ve been invited to lunch. My instant response was: “Gosh, I have a million things to do today.” But, then, I said, “Yes, I can make that work. See you at noon.”

    Day One: I chose love.

    Thank you.

    Reply
  153. 166

    And you never know when the last time will be. My daughter (who is now 30) always had to have a book read to her and a tuck in time. On very rare occasions her father could do it but usually it was me. This went on well into jr. high…not so much the reading but the tucking in continued. Sadly I don’t remember when “the last night” of tucking in occurred. But that time will come. And I now don’t regret hearing that sweet voice that called to me, “Mom, you forgot to tuck me in.” or “Mom, I’m ready for you to tuck me in!). Precious moments. Cherish them.

    Reply
  158. 171

    I choose LOVE! Thanks for ALL your words, as I hungrily read them as fast as you send them. I am reading Hands Free Mama now and hope to transform my life, the way you did yours.

    Reply
  176. 189

    I choose love. This morning in a rush to get to work, I didn’t do a good job of this with my kids. I will choose love next time.

    Reply
  177. 190

    Rachel-
    I love reading your handsfreemama blog!
    I just started a 14-day, Mission Possible: Spread Love and Kindness on one of my blogs.
    My whole family is playing along and we are learning to connect with each other as well as strangers.

    Here is the link if you want to check it out:

    You are invited to play…Mission Possible: Spread L

    Reply
  178. 191

    Thank you for the reminder to put love first. My youngest has the sweetest, most caring heart of any child I know, and to hear her say to me “Mommy….I like when you smile” really speaks to my heart because she is so honest. It also hurts because she doesn’t see it enough. I need to refocus my priorities, and I thank you for this reminder. I have other so many other “challenges” going on in my life right now- trying to lose weight (again….), cleaner eating, and establishing a budget for the first time in my life, but this.. LOVE….this is something I need to bump to the top of my priority list. Thank you for always touching my heart.

    Reply
  180. 193

    I choose love! Thank you for the wisdom and encouragement to do the things I know I need to do to become a better wife and mom!

    Reply
  183. 196

    I just love all that you are Rachel! Soaking your words up like a sponge and making my world the one I want to live in. Thank you – I choose love forever and always! xo

    Reply
  195. 208

    I choose love.

    Thank you for the reminder that it IS a choice. I beat myself up over the fact that love isn’t always my first response, especially toward the people I love most (and toward myself). It seems like it should be a natural response and when it isn’t, I’m quick to find fault with myself. It’s so reassuring to see so many people who admit that it doesn’t always come naturally or easily and who need to practice and make a conscious effort. Thank you.

    Reply
  198. 211

    I have ONLY LOVE TODAY written on my gratitude journal, love this challenge. I choose LOVE, today and everyday. You are so inspiring 😉

    Reply
  201. 214

    I choose love! I’ve been going through a very personal, difficult time in my life. This ‘challenge’ is exactly what I need to help myself heal and continue on this amazing journey that is life. I have a feeling my incredible husband and three amazing daughters are in for a real treat. Can’t wait to start!!

    Reply
  205. 218

    I choose LOVE

    I hope to complain less and love more, be less critical of myself, not shut down, interact more with my husband, and overall be more loving to my loved ones. They are my reason for living.

    Reply
  207. 220

    Thank you for this. I choose love. I did a crappy job of it this morning, lost my cool and yelled. My daughter is in an “I hate school” phase, and is dragging her feet so much in the mornings that we are just barely making it on time. But I’m pretty sure my yelling at her didn’t make her move any faster, and it surely didn’t make her day any better. I messed up, and I owe her a hug and an apology. So tonight, tomorrow, and onward…I choose love!

    Reply
  212. 225

    I accept the challenge and I choose love. My 3 kids need me more than anything and I’m to busy in my rushed life to give them the attention that they need.

    Reply
  218. 231

    I choose love. Thank you for the wonderful idea and a new way of approaching life. Paying that during these 21 days of choosing love that it might inspire someone else to choose love as well.

    Reply
  221. 234

    My son, Jesse Lewis, left a message on our kitchen chalkboard shortly before he was killed at Sandy Hook Elementary. He wrote, “Nurturing Healing Love”. These three words are not in the vernacular of a 6 year old, were phonetically spelled because he was in 1st grade and just learning to write, but those three words are in the definition of compassion across all cultures. When you define each word they make up the formula for Choosing Love: Loving kindness and gratitude + Forgiveness + Compassion in action = Choosing Love. I CHOOSE LOVE! It has helped heal me after the loss of my son and I now realize it’s the most important thing in the world and the reason we are here. -Scarlett

    Reply
    • 235

      I am celebrating Jesse right now this very moment, Scarlett … I am celebrating the fact that he lives on through one of the most beautiful, impactful messages I have ever read. “Nurturing Healing Love.” I will recite those 3 words over and over the next 21 days as I choose love, and I pray they become part of who I am touch every single person I come in contact with. The world needs Nurturing Healing Love and I am honored to help produce it. We all can! You have inspired me more than I can ever express. Sending much love, peace, and gratitude to you tonight, dear one.

      Reply
  224. 238

    Sometimes I have a terrible time choosing love over yelling, especially with my 3 year old. He doesn’t seem to listen to any request I make be it the first time or the millionth I’ve said it. Finally when I shout I get compliance but only because he is startled. I feel awful almost every day and I am trying to be gentler. I am going to try and choose love this month. Tips, tricks, support are welcome!! Thank you for your blog. I enjoy every post!

    Reply
    • 239

      Leah, I have a list of strategies that I used to choose a more peaceful response with my family that I am happy to share with you or anyone who would like it. Here’s my email: rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. Starting tomorrow, I will be severely limiting my time online, but I will get you the list in time. I love that you courageously and honestly wrote this comment and made this wonderful commitment. There is hope!

      Reply
  225. 240

    I am do excited to join this challenge! I will choose love, and if I forget I will choose to love myself and keep going.

    Reply
  226. 241

    When your mom repeated your daughter’s words, “Mama always comes,” it made me smile. It’s so nice that she counts on you like that. I’m sure to know her parent is there for her provides both great comfort and a sense of security. I can understand why it made you emotional. I bet you the listeners would have as well.

    Reply
  239. 254

    A wise friend once told me
    Situation-Self= Love

    It’s so simple yet acting on it is life-altering!!!

    Love your message here and your heart!
    Karen

    Reply
  243. 260

    I choose LOVE xx Thank you again for your words and inspiration Rachael. They impact on so many lives in such an important way.

    Reply
  254. 271

    I choose LOVE!

    First opportunity came just seconds after reading this post, and it felt so wonderful!

    I’m going to journal all the “I choose love” moments each day.

    Reply
    • 272

      It’s interesting how one might accent the statement. It’s powerful no matter how you put it.

      I choose love.
      i CHOOSE love.
      i choose LOVE.

      Reply
  261. 279

    I choose love.

    …as hard as it will be in some moments, I want to try. I am off now to write “I choose love” on a few note cards and leave them around the house in prominent positions to help jog my memory. Thank you for the challenge.

    Reply
  272. 290

    I choose love. Love that is not begrudging, but grateful. Love that does not waste, but appreciates. Thank you for reminding that my family, friends, etc will not feel loved without intentionality and the choice to choose to love them.

    Reply
  280. 298

    I choose love.
    As I type these words I know I will have moments of doubt. I pray I’ll have the strength to press on….to choose love. thank you for your inspiration, what a perfect way to reflect this February.

    Reply
  281. 299

    Thank you so much for your blog which has been inspiring me since my sister shared it with me. Parenting is hard, parenting toddlers is hard, parenting teens and pre-teens is hard. Parenting all three is hard. Sometimes it feels like one step forward two steps back. Thankfully our precious charges are far more forgiving than we are of our shortcomings-a lesson in itself.

    Thank you and I choose love.

    Reply
  286. 304

    I choose love.

    I will miss your posts but am grateful for the inspiration you give me to be a better person. Wishing for you twenty-one beauty-, love-, and wonder-filled days.

    Reply
  296. 314

    I Choose Love~
    Every day I’m trying to put whats important in front of me. Today will be the day I choose to stop trying and just do it!

    Reply
  298. 316

    I choose *love*. ~:o) Thank you for your insight. Can’t wait to check out The Artful Year, Newbie’s Guide To Positive Parenting (although my son is seven, I *still* feel new at times!) and Looking Up From Your Phone.

    Reply
  306. 324

    I love this. How many times a week do these crossroads come up? Maybe hundreds. Let’s make them count! I have three kids and all the struggles that go along with that. But I have the love and blessings that are waiting to abound in love. God game me these little gifts to love on for a brief time. Thanks for this today. I choose love! Over and over! #bigjoy #leavedifferently

    Reply
  316. 334

    I read Hand’s Free often. I leave thinking “Yes, this will be me as well”, but all of a sudden, *life* steps right back in front of me. Constant emotions to deal with regarding work, pressure regarding health of our aging parents, raising my children in the life we live in, experiences of junior high for my daughter – be it from gossip situations she gets pulled into or lock downs the schools are now when my kindergarten little boy explains “to keep safe.” But then I realize, Hands free mama IS what we need in this world, because love is the key connection that see’s us through all of this. Thank you for reminding me, time and time again, to get back in focus and not let yourself go astray. Tamara Beach God Bless You

    Reply
  341. 359

    Rachel-I CHOOSE LOVE! I have been working on this. I get lost sometimes. I have been lost recently. I needed this challenge. For myself, for my family and for the new baby we will welcome home this spring. Thank you!

    Reply
  349. 367

    My mom shared this on Facebook today, and I am incredibly thankful. This is the type of thinking I have always tried to put first in my life, because I never had it growing up. I love her, and I remember far too many nights where I was left waiting, forgotten, for my mom to tuck me in. I choose love, and I hope so much that she does, too, for my baby sister’s sake. With tears in my eyes and my heart swelling in my throat, I say thank you.

    Reply
  355. 373

    After two days of feeling like the world’s worst mother, being lazy and frustrated, not enjoying my children at any age and time I will never get back, and worst of all blaming them for my bad attitude when all they want is my love and attention, I CHOOSE LOVE. And it feels amazing to declare it.

    Reply
  356. 374

    I choose love. Suva, Fiji.
    Thank you for your blog, in the last month, it’s already made an impact on my relationship with my 3 young children. I’m looking forward to the next 21 days of choosing love and recreating a nurturing, understanding, accepting, encouraging, reliable, fun & joyous relationship with my 8, 6 & 3 year olds.

    Reply
  361. 379

    My daughter always asks me to go pray for her when she goes to bed. Sometimes I could get irritated thinking of the load of work still ahead of me. But one day after lying to her that I will go later (knowing she will fall asleep), I thought about how lucky I am to have such a chance for such a request. I went and prayed for her while she was asleep and since then I have made it a ritual. No matter what am doing, I will stop and pray for her. If she wants me to go to her I make a point of going. I am happy for the changes am experiencing in my life and I am in for the challenge. I CHOOSE LOVE!

    Reply
  369. 387

    The messages you share always strike such a deep cord within my soul. I often feel as if you are speaking directly to me and describing my life perfectly. Thank you for sharing your journey. I choose love, not just for 21 days (although that’s a great start) but for the rest of my days…

    Reply
  375. 393

    I choose love. I really need this 21 day challenge, thank you. In honor of my sons and Congenital Hear Awareness Week…Feb 7 -14…I choose love. XO

    Reply
  376. 394

    I’m in – I choose love! And as always, I’m crying again! Beautiful story and what we all want to be remembered for – not the seemingly perfect work we completed, ideal and well balanced meal we prepared, but those we love and should have touched and affected most of all. And an awesomely timed challenge for us this month!

    Reply
  381. 399

    Hello, Rachel. Early last year I invited you to come over to my blog and you did and joined me in my “Let it Go” challenge. Do you remember? I was so honored that you came! You are the one who comes to others you touch too. I’ve had an amazing year, but I still have a lot of love to choose. I am nervous, and embarrassed by the voices I feel telling me I can’t – or will fail to – choose love every time, but I know change begins with commitment so here goes – I choose love!

    Reply
  384. 402

    When you read a post and you cry, that’s when you know it’s time to commit. This hit a cord very deep down for me. I had already chosen love as my “theme” for the month in my business and blog. Now I know I need to make sure I carry that forward into my family too.
    Today I am marking in my calendar 8:30 – talk with E before bed. If I keep seeing it until I do it I’m sure I can commit to choosing love with my pre teen once again! One small drop can create a huge ripple 🙂

    I choose LOVE!

    Reply
  386. 404

    Well it’s a nice, endearing thought. I really thought I could do it. I almost lasted 1 day. I had to yell at least 5 times today. I even put reminders all over my house. Good luck to everyone else.

    Reply
  403. 421

    I choose love!! With the help of my heavenly Father, I will strive to be the best mother and person and to choose love in every instance!! <3

    Reply
  411. 429

    My new years resolution is one word LOVE.
    thanks for the inspiration and the tips to be able to choose Lovre more often.
    I guess no more facebook for me for 21 days.
    Love to everyone that’s starting this challenge.
    May God bless you.
    Lily 🙂

    Reply
  415. 433

    This made me tear up. I just want to be like you! I want to be happy, and silly, and relaxed with my kids instead of grumpy and on my last nerve and stressed out. It’s not even that I’m too busy it’s just that I get annoyed so easy and my 4yo talks soooo much that I just retreat to hide behind my computer because I’m overwhelmed. I always mean to have talk time in bed but then at the end of the day I’m so annoyed with him or just so tired that I think “another night”. I am going to try my hardest to do your choose love challenge in hopes that I can reach even a bit of what you’ve got!

    Reply
  422. 440

    I’m a bit slow on the uptake as I’ve only just read your latest post – you’ve just done the challenge – which made me read this post. If I had taken the time to read this post back in early Feb, then maybe I wouldn’t have been through the last 21 days in the same way I have. They might’ve been different but maybe I was just meant to experience what I did … It’s been a tough 21 days to say the least as I’ve been dealing with some major changes in my three year old who’s been extra demanding, stubborn, manipulative and tired. I’ve been trying to read less blogs since Christmas time but every blog, like this one, seems to make me see things differently and I think what I have been through over the last month has also made me see things differently and without knowing, I have come out of it feeling like I need to choose love over being that frustrated Mother. So it’s funny that I read this … I will take that challenge as of now for the next 21 days … I think in my subconscious, I already had after a few unnecessary but frustrated outbursts over the last month. Thank you for bringing it to my attention! :0)

    Reply
    • 448

      I loved your beautifully written and heartfelt post! This quote really jumped out at me: “I’d rather have special moments with my kids while they are still home than I would some time alone.” – See more at: http://heavenissmilingabove.blogspot.com/#sthash.aH8Ebjn2.dpuf. Thank you so much for sharing your post, spreading the Hands Free message with others, and for providing such wonderful resources within the post. You are doing wonderful work, my friend.

      Reply
      • 449

        Thank you so much, Rachel. I really appreciate your personal words of encouragement. Your blog is one of my favorites. Have a wonderful day. You made mine!

        Reply
  432. 452

    I commented on this the day it originally posted and then as luck would have it, this was the beginning of my 7-year old’s fall into overwhelming anxiety and fear that took over our life for the next 2 months. I literally could not leave the room without her having a panic attack. I did Choose Love throughout the next 9 weeks I COULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE ALONE….but I (and our family) was simply in survival mode.

    Today, I can leave for 15 – 30 minutes without her having a panic attack and for that I am grateful. I am living life at her speed (and within her comfort zone) so that we all can come out of this stronger on the other side, but I needed to reread this post (and many of your other posts) for a renewed boost in my confidence that I CAN DO THIS!

    I am also going to buy a bracelet for myself. I have relinquished my life as I knew it in order to help her through this, but I need more reminders. I need to know this will not last forever, I need to know that I CAN DO THIS. In other words, I need your words in my head, repeatedly….all day long.

    I am starting my CHOOSE LOVE today, this very minute. I have faith that on Day 22 she will have come even further out of her darkness than she already has. And I will have faith that I CAN DO THIS.

    Much love,
    Jenny

    Reply
    • 453

      Jenny – I am so glad you are here, sharing your life, your heart, your small steps forward. You have been a rock for your child. You have extended patience and presence, two of the most life-giving gifts we can give another human being. And she is getting stronger for it. You are so right — this fear inside her will not last forever and by giving her what she needs now, you both will get through it. Here is something to hold on to in the midst of this challenge, my friend (especially the last 4 lines) …

      Anyway
      By Rachel Macy Stafford

      If you find it hard to get up,
      Do it anyway.
      You may see someone brighten at the mere sight of you.

      If you find it hard to look at your reflection,
      Do it anyway.
      You may see a flicker of something beautiful you thought was gone is still there.

      If you find it hard to love the unlovable,
      Do it anyway.
      You may see a smile or an expression that reminds you of their worth.

      If you find it hard to get past the mess,
      Do it anyway,
      You may see evidence of little hands learning, loving, and living.

      If you find it hard to speak out,
      Do it anyway.
      You may have the words someone else needs to hear.

      If you find it hard to hold on,
      Do it anyway.
      You may you look down and see someone holding on
      Simply because you are.

      “Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough

      Reply
      • 454

        You are such a beautiful woman. Your insight and intuition is the gift you give to all of us. Even while living your “Hands Free'” you still find the time to send a poem to a sister in need, what an angel you are. I have printed this out and taped it onto my fridge to read as often as I need. And you are right….she is holding on because she feels the safety of me holding on.

        I wish I knew you in my real life. I would give you a tight hug and never want to let go.

        Jenny

        Reply
    • 456

      Wow Jenny. Just when one thinks that things are going pretty rough, one always hears a worse story and this is the time I’m hearing a worse one. Your 7 year old is a VERY lucky child to have a Mum like you. I wish you all the best for your journey over the coming months. You are one amazing lady!

      Reply
  433. 457

    Dear Rachel,

    Although it has been a few months since this post, I wanted to share a moment I had with my son today. During the 21 day challenge, I spoke a lot to my children about “choosing love” and it continues to be a discussion we share…. So, on one hand his comment caught me by surprise, but on the other hand it simply made me smile…

    “Mom, Is Life Love? he asked quietly from the back seat during our car ride home. I looked at his reflection from the rear view mirror, so innocent at four years old and smiled. “Mommy believes life can be love…I think people have choices in their lives, and if they make good choices, and are kind to one another…they can have a life filled with love”

    “Mom, I Choose Love”…..my heart melted and my eyes filled with tears. I instantly thought of you, Rachel and how powerful your words have influenced my life. I don’t know what made him ask this question, but I know his response is due to the kind words you continue to offer us. I am forever grateful.

    Shannon

    Reply
    • 458

      Oh my. I have been reduced to tears — but they are happy ones, the best kind of tears, dear Shannon. Thank you so much for offering this beautiful story to me — I receive it as fuel, substance, and encouragement to keep writing, keep sharing, even when my hand shakes on the publish button. I TOO am grateful for YOU.

      Reply
      • 459

        “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability” -Brene Brown

        We are all so grateful that you continue to press the “publish” button Rachel, especially when your hand shakes. Your ability to be vulnerable with yourself and with your readers is what truly makes us connect with you & your message.

        “Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued- when they can give & recieve without judgement” -Brene Brown

        If you find it hard to press the publish button,
        Do it anyway,
        As you ALWAYS have the words someone else needs to hear…as you always give us HOPE for a brighter day….as you always make us FEEL we are not alone”
        Shannon

        Reply
  434. 461

    It’s June, and I just stumbled upon this post at the perfect time! Thank you so much for your continued encouragement and words. I CHOOSE LOVE!

    Reply
  443. 474

    It’s easy to say, and really hard to continue to do, but I will try my best to choose love. Kids, relatives, coworkers, all wanting a piece of you, and rarely even a word of thanks. It’s times when no one else feels like they’re choosing love (toward me) that makes it quite difficult for ME to choose love. And reading comments, I know I’m not alone in this feeling. Still, I’ll choose love when I catch myself NOT choosing it.

    Reply
  446. 477

    I choose love. I choose to show that love to my toddler grandchildren, my aging and confused mother. To focus on love rather than irritation and times of frustration in my 35 year marriage. Thank you.

    Reply
  447. 478

    I choose love.
    You never fail to move me with your writing Rachel. You speak to the very essence of the mama I am deep down, who I’m working so hard to bring to the surface. It’s scary, stepping into my truth, letting go of all my stories and choosing love, and this article gives me strength and courage to do that. I’m absolutely with you on this journey. Thank you so much for sharing your light. Forever grateful xo

    Reply
  450. 481

    Thank you for the constant reminders to sloooow down and really listen to our kids. My first born started kindergarten 5 weeks ago and she’s always chattering on about something or someone from school. The other day however, she casually mentioned that a girl in her class said she was scared of her mother.

    My daughter couldn’t give me any more details on what that meant but I took the opportunity to sit down, pull her into my lap and tell her for the billionth time how much I love her. And that she never ever has to be scared of me…even when I’m upset, even when I’m frustrated, even when I’m short with her…because of the end of the day I love her more than life itself.

    And she looked up at me and said (in her sweet little way), “I know mama, I love you too… Now can I have a snack?”

    Thanks for reminding me to make sure she always knows it!

    Reply
  464. 495

    hi, rachel!

    a friend just sent me your i choose love challenge, and it’s been a joy to come across your important message and work. i’m going to start your challenge tomorrow, and i also wanted to connect because i blog (and recently committed to really learn how to do this!) at http://www.ichooselove.com. “i choose love” has been to core study of my life for the past 5 years, and it has changed my life big time! i’ve never done a specific challenge like this, so i’m excited to join you.

    I CHOOSE LOVE

    from the heart,
    stephanie

    Reply
    • 496

      Your site is beautiful, Stephanie! I love your message! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment & lead me to your beautiful work. So happy to have you do this challenge with me!

      Reply
  466. 498

    I choose love. And I choose to consciously try to remember this choice for the next 21 days and beyond. Thank you for the reminder.

    Reply
  470. 502

    This is a reminder I needed. The other day, I definitely did not choose love. I chose to be a momster, I overreacted, I yelled. I’m so ashamed. Today, I will begin again, and will remember to choose love. I need the hands free bracelet. Do you ship to the Philippines?

    Reply
  472. 505

    I choose love!
    I know I’m easily distracted by email, facebook, tv, and just plain excuses. Look forward to the transformation for myself, and my family.

    Reply
  473. 506

    I choose LOVE. Thank you for the reminders to focus on the things that matter and the inspiration to keep choosing to do so.

    Reply
  492. 525