At my very first Hands Free speaking engagement several years ago, a woman in attendance said her children were getting to the age where they just wanted to do their own thing. She felt that the older her children grew, the more difficult it was to find shared interests and spend time together.
Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. This concept of one’s children not being permanently attached to one’s side seemed completely foreign to me. I simply did not believe the day would come when I could use the restroom without a voyeur. I could not fathom the thought that my younger child would one day resign from her duties as my fulltime bodyguard and actually let me out of her sight.
But here I am several years later and it’s happened. My daughters love to play together. And I am no longer needed nor invited. They set up the Barbie house and play for hours without any need for my creative storylines and juicy plot twists. They play school and inform me I am over the age limit to be a student. And when they log on to animaljam.com and starting talking gems, avatars, and dens, I might as well be invisible.
But I am all about being real in this space I call “Hands Free Mama,” so here’s some realness: When my kids are in their own little world, it’s quite tempting to go into mine. It’s tempting to pop open the laptop and knock out another chapter in my book, draft a new blog post, or even just pick up a delicious book I have been dying to read. While there is nothing wrong with any of these activities, nor is there anything wrong with my children playing by themselves, I can see how easy it would be to allow separate lives to become a way of life. I can see how easily the space between us could grow until the gap is so wide we can no longer reach one another.
What motivates me to get up from my keyboard and participate, even just as an observer in my children’s preferred activities, is the whole reason I started this Hands Free journey in the first place. I don’t want to look up at my children’s high school graduation ceremony and see a stranger walking across the stage.
It’s no secret that this type of parent-child estrangement can happen without warning. Furthermore, the realization that it has happened often comes too late. In fact, even before technology was a readily available distraction, many generations of parents have looked back on their child-rearing years and wish they had invested more time in their children’s lives.
This topic is addressed in a book entitled 30 Lessons for Living written by Karl Pillemer. In this powerful book, Pillemer shares the priceless information he gleaned from older Americans—which he refers to as “experts” in the area of living an intentional, meaningful life. Interestingly, the elderly experts who didn’t have regret in this area had “creatively manufactured” shared time. This meant going along with their children’s interests whether the parent enjoyed these activities or not.
Pillemer shares this powerful observation: “The more I talked to the experts about child rearing, the clearer it became that the quality of relationships with the children is directly proportional to the amount of time spent together.”
I don’t need proof that spending time with my children now will likely result in a close relationship later, but it feels reassuring to know that the wisest Americans (through personal experience) confirm this theory to be true.
So here are the things I do … things that don’t come naturally to me … things I could easily take a pass on, but I don’t. I do these things—not because I enjoy them—but because someone very important to me does …
I hold the roly poly in my hand—not because I like how those creepy little feet feel on my nice clean hand—but because it feels good to slow down and marvel at a tiny miracle through my child’s eyes.
I go down the giant curly slide at the park—not because I like to hear my skin squeak as it sticks to metal—but because of the joyful laughter and grateful smiles that greet me at the bottom.
I read the American Girl chapter book out loud—not because it has a compelling plot and strong character development—but because of the way my child feels snuggled next to me as I read words she does not yet know.
I watch her lip-sync Taylor Swift music videos—not because I like to hear “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” ten bazillion times—but because the facial expression she makes are indescribable, and I want to remember them when I am 80-years-old.
I lay beside her when she’s worried about something—not because her bed is more comfortable than mine—but because after a few minutes, she whispers her fears into the dark, and I am there to comfort her.
I join her on the porch when she plays with the cat—not because I lack something more interesting to do—but because this is when she randomly throws out questions like, “What do you love about me?” and “What happens when we die?” And I want to be there to answer them if I can.
I strap on a pair of goggles and swim beside her—not because this is a good look for me—but because it allows me a close-up view of her proudest moment doing something she thought she'd never do.
I listen to her describe (in agonizing detail) how to create an iMovie using dolls—not because this topic interests me in the slightest—but because out of all the people in the world she could teach this to, she wants to teach me.
I sit on the porch and watch her do awkward handstands and clumsy cartwheels—not because this is riveting entertainment—but because I want my child to look back on her growing-up years and remember a mom that was present in the mundane, every day moments of life.
I make an effort to take an interest in my children’s preferred activities—not because their desires are more important than mine—but because I want to know them and I want them to know me … now and in the future.
Just knowing there are some elderly parents out there today wishing they could turn back time and make different choices about time spent with their kids is a wake-up call for me. After all, when those folks had young children, the digital distractions that parents deal with today were not prevalent. Yes, there were other distractions just like my parents and your parents had, but more and more research shows that mobile devices are more distracting and habit-forming than the diversions of yesteryear. In fact, the association of childhood injury and lack of parental attention due to “device distraction” is quite sobering.
We are the first generation of parents raising our children with the ever-present lure of technology at our fingertips. We are the first generation of parents able to be digitally connected to virtually anyone, anytime, anywhere. We are the first generation of parents who will show our children that technology is either a tool or a crutch—that it can enhance or damage our lives. Time spent engaging as a family does not come naturally anymore, yet time isolated from one another comes a little TOO naturally. In fact, time spent alone on our respective devices has become a way of life for many.
I’ve decided I am going to fight the natural inclination for separate interests, separate screens, and separate lives. Even if it means sometimes doing an activity I am not crazy about doing. Because when it comes down to it, my motivation is pretty simple:
I want to know what makes her smile.
I want to know what makes her laugh.
I want to know what makes her hurt.
I want to know what makes her dream.
I want to know what makes her proud.
I want to know what makes her tick.
And I cannot know these things if I am spending time in another room
Holding tightly to my distractions
Creating a world of emptiness between us.
**************************************************************
I wrote this post exactly 3 years ago not knowing the desire to know my children would only intensified with time. I look at my middle school age daughter and can see her future–a future I want to be part of. That is why I eagerly accept my children's invitations to check out what they are doing, hear what they have to say, or just sit beside them in connective silence. In honor of those suffering imaginable loss in Oregon today, let us do all we can to know our people a little more today than we did yesterday. Thank you for being a part of The Hands Free Revolution. Please enjoy hearing me talk about the beauty that happens when we designate small pockets of time to be fully available. So much goodness has come from the small steps I've taken to live Hands Free & it was truly an honor to share it on national shows like Global News and The Social this week while in Canada. A special thank you to all who came to my Q&A with Andrea Nair and the Hands Free Life book signing Wednesday night in Mississauga. I won't forget your tears … your hugs … your stories … your gratitude for my words. (A few pictures below)
For those who are new here, you can find a wealth of practical & powerful strategies for connecting with your children & loved ones despite the distractions of our culture in my books, HANDS FREE MAMA & HANDS FREE LIFE. My new book has a whole chapter on avoiding the pain of regret by “filling the spaces” and accepting the invitations of life. Thank you for your support!
Q&A with Andrea Nair on 9/30
Meeting my readers on 9/30
Love meeting my readers!
Thank you so much for this beautiful post, and for the reference to the book. I am going to look it up! Thanks also for the reminder that it is so important to be involved in what our children are interested in, even if it isn’t what we are interested in.
Thank you for reading, Sarah, and for the lovely note of encouragement. I appreciate it so much!
I listen to her describe (in agonizing detail) how to create an iMovie using dolls—not because this topic interests me in the slightest—but because out of all the people in the world she could teach this to, she wants to teach me.–> that hit me. My son describes video games in GREAT DETAIL, things that make my eyes glaze over. It is so hard to listen and be interested. But you are so right. They need our presence. Thanks for the well-written reminder.
I am so with you on this, Cheryl! My son describes in agonizing detail the most powerful wrestling hold, the eating habits of the bearded dragon, his theory about black holes and a variety of other topics that cause me to zone out or worse – shut him out. I too must remember to take an interest in ‘boy talk’, like I did in the early stages of dating my husband…who knows, I might just fall in love with my son all over again:-))
I had a feeling I wouldn’t be alone on that one, Cheryl! Thank you for letting me know you could relate!
This one really hit me too. I enjoy the details about “powerful wrestling hold, the eating habits of the bearded dragon, his theory about black hole.” It is the trying to tell me about Minecraft and what he is doing in it that makes me glaze over. He wants to share so bad (he is 7) and I need to do better about taking those few {agonizing} minutes to listen. same with my 13 year old daughter and her crazy movie trailers and videos. It won’t be too much longer that they won’t want to share these things.
I love your post. When I am with my 3.5 yr old daughter, I constantly remind myself to “Be in the moment.” I want to remember her active imagination, funny comments and made-up songs. Plus I know she loves having my undivided attention. I have to add that technology can also separate you from family and friends. It is too easy to feel “connected” with friends by reading status updates on Facebook. I am saddened that I haven’t seen some close friends in person for over a year. Your post reminds me that I need to make the 1st step to reach out and schedule some face time. Thanks again for the post. You inspire me!
Thank you, Carmela. You bring up such a powerful point. I am guilty of allowing quick texts to replace real conversation with friends and family. Thank you for inspiring me to make more effort to have real conversation! I appreciate you taking time to share your thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughts as usual…I am left smiling, sad and filled with the question..what other things can I do to connect with my children. I find myself nodding in agreement on all you have to say.
What I have a challenge with is feeling the guilt about having a second child and not paying as much attention or have as much free time to spend on all the ‘little’ things in life for my daughter.
In fact what was lovely but surprising to me was how long it really took me to get to know her so well and of course it continues everyday. I thought that knowing my son meant knowing my daughter or at least what type of parent or who was was as a parent. I had heard others say “oh my children are so different and I treat them different” I did not know what that really meant. Now I think I do…
thank you again for reminding me to strive to spend time…no matter how small on things they enjoy.
I love them and want them to always feel that I am with them, enjoy and love them…through it all
thanks
Thank you for your honesty and openness, Kobie. When my daughters were young I felt that same guilt you describe, but as they grew, I could see benefits in the way each child received attention. My first-born had me all to herself for 3 years–we shared some amazing one on one time, but when my second child came, my oldest learned how to share and how to nurture–all qualities that are beneficial to life. And my second never got much “alone time,” but she has this incredible older sister who she learns so much from! My second is much more laid-back and has this happy-go-lucky attitude. So by being “second” she has gained some very valuable qualities. I have decided there is just no room in my life for guilt and there are much better things to spend time on. As long as I have a little time each day alone with each child (usually at bed time), I feel like I am maintaining that unique connection with each one. I am so grateful to know this post touched you and inspired you. I am also grateful to have you along on this journey with me.
Once again your post is humbling and in the next breath I’m smiling, crying and laughing out loud! I’m pretty sure that you must have somekind of vision into my life as so many of your scenarios I could have written. Its not things, that kids want, it truly is time. Will my daughter look back and feel loved because she has 4 American girls dolls or will she remember the impromptu dace parties in the kitchen while doing dishes together? Making memories together, big and small is my goal each day. As I lay in bed next to my daughter and actually stop to watch her face as she sleeps and really, REALLY look at those gorgeous eyelashes, I remember to offer a prayer of thankfulness that I am blessed enough to be the mother of this magnificant little person. Thank you, Rachel for your loving words of wisdom that are shared with so many.
Oh, you have truly touched my heart, Becky. What a beautiful and thoughtful comment. I, too, have looked at those eyelashes as she sleeps, and it is that moment of overwhelming gratitude that wipes away the daily frustrations and stresses that go along with this incredible role as parent! I am thankful for your comment tonight!
Yes, yes, and yes. Every blog post wakes someone up out there; I firmly believe it! Keep spreading your message of truth. Love, K
Thank you, my dear friend. Your support means everything.
I once asked my grandfather, who was his class president and quarterback of the football team and extremely popular with everyone, what was the best way to make friends. He immediately said, “Show interest in what interests them”. It is so simple and yet so profound, and can be applied to any relationship, especially the one we have with our children, (or grandchildren!). I often think of him playing game after game of “Hungry Hippos” with five year old me, losing each time because I gave him the hippo that didn’t work as well. Those kinds of sacrifices we make now (listening to looonnng stories told in minute detail, etc) will pay us back in dividends years down the road. It puts the “sacrifices” in perspective. Great post, as always!
Your grandfather was a very wise man, Jen. Showing interest in what others find interesting will in deed get you FAR in life. That is for sure. Thank you for sharing his beautiful wisdom that he didn’t just speak, he lived … and that is powerful stuff. XO
Wonderful post, Rachel! Thank you for this compelling and timely reminder! I have spent most of my ‘motherhood’ caring FOR my children at the expense of BEING WITH my children. And while I don’t see myself zipping down the waterslide anytime soon, I do accept the challenge of spending more quality time WITH my children – each one individually – with no agenda…so they can bring me into their world.
It does frighten me to think of how we are losing our children as they grow – I’d rather know that we are growing closer in ways that were not possible when they were babies. I see that happening with my oldest, but I need to be vigilant about nurturing those evolving relationships and not basking in the glory of “finally – they can take care of themselves a little bit!”
I too “can see how easy it would be to allow separate lives to become a way of life. I can see how easily the space between us could grow until the gap is so wide we can no longer reach one another.” >>> I don’t ever want that for my family and I love that you have addressed the issue with such grace. I will be thinking of you as I battle with Bok Choy Boys – whatever they are – tonight!
Thank you:-)
Thank you for your beautifully written comment, Theresa. I love this perspective you share: “I’d rather know that we are growing closer in ways that were not possible when they were babies.” That feeling hit me just the other day. My 9 year old had me laughing so hard at something quite clever she said. And for a brief moment, it felt like I was with a friend. Although it seems weird to write this, I thought, “I really like her. And if I wasn’t her mom, I would want to hang out with her.” So when you wrote this about growing closer in ways we could not do when our children were young, I immediately thought maybe it starts to feel like you are with someone you can just BE with … not having to DO anything but just enjoy each other’s company. I thank you for taking the time to share your lovely insights.
A new challenge for those of us with middle school and high school age kids is figuring out how to engage with them as they do homework — and when they’re working vs. chatting, etc.
With the exception of Geometry, my son does all his homework online — chatting with his class teammates while working is standard fare. We’ve attempted to lay down the rules about this, discussed the disadvantages of multi-tasking, but he (and his friends) think we just don’t get it.
Truth is, I don’t. How did we get here so fast? I feel cheated in that if I want to engage in the work my son is doing (especially writing) I either have to sit and look over his shoulder at his screen (as if he’d tolerate that) or have him share it as a Google doc so I can review it while he works — which means we then have two screens between us.
And monitoring what I call the “digital drift” is impossible. We’ve requested that he log his screen time so HE knows how much time he’s spending engaging with a computer — but in the end, I don’t think it really appeals to him to choose Mom or Dad over the freedom of playing Minecraft or visiting his friends online. “Fine. I’m off. Now what do I do?” is a question that is hard to answer for a 13+ year old. I do try, though. So far, my most successful suggestions have involved going out together for yogurt, or offering to shag basketballs for him when he practices. This all has me rethinking my previous belief about not over-scheduling him. More sports is part of the answer in our case, I think.
Thank you so much for sharing your viewpoint, Sandra. I truly feel like it is a gift to hear from parents who are farther down the parenting path than myself–there is so much to navigate and learn about the world of preteens and teens. I absorb as much information as I can get.
You echo sentiments I have heard from many parents of teens. The pull to electronics and social media is so strong. I commend you for not giving up. I commend you for finding activities that free your son from the grip of distraction and let him know that you DO want to spend time with him. I discovered this article awhile back and it confirms the actions you are taking to connect with your son. Here is the quote that especially stuck with me: “A child may not, especially a teenager, may not come right out and say ‘mom, dad, I want to spend more time with you.’ But what we’ve seen as far as numbers and research goes, kids do want it and parents may just need to approach the children and say, ‘let’s do something together’.” – Kindell Schoffner, PsyD, licensed psychologist
Here is the entire article, which you may find helpful: http://connectwithkids.com/tipsheet/2010/488_may5/thisweek/100505_time.shtml
This is another excellent article that touches on what teens want from their parents (particularly in regards to time) entitled, “Inside the Teen Brain” http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/galinsky.html#ixzz1eSAFKafe
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and insight, Sandra! It is greatly appreciated.
As usual……Wow! Beautifully written, insightful and valuable….. You are amazing! Thank you for writing and sharing all that you do. I do not have children myself but I think any person would benefit from slowing down and becoming ‘hands free’. One of my favourite quotes for you –
‘Who is the most important person in your life?
….The one you’re with’ – Ajahn Brahm
Our gift of being present is truly something irreplaceable and you remind us of it so often. Thank you! Best Wishes, Sascha Xx
I love that quote, Sascha! That is a keeper. Thank you for your sweet comments and encouragement along this journey!
Love this. It is so tempting to find other things to do when my daughter is playing on her own but it is so much better to spend that time with her.
What a thought-provoking post. You are so right.
I’ve tried so hard to be mindful through my day, that I needed this reminder to be mindful with the girls. My biggest complaint with my own parents is that they never seemed the least bit interested in my interests. I hope I’m not playing out that reality.
Well, if you were not a personal friend, I wouldn’t be able to say this–but since you are, let me reassure you that you are NOT playing out that reality. You consistently make intentional, authentic, and loving efforts to be a part of your children’s worlds–even their most difficult, frustrating, hard-to-live-in worlds. It has been an honor to watch you navigate through your daughter’s world… a world with very few answers and a whole LOT of questions! You inspire me on a daily basis to be there … ALL there … for my kids. XO
Beautifully written. Simple truths with a huge implication for our children and our relationship with them. I work outside the home and just want to soak in every moment I have with my boys. Thank for the inspiration!
As a mother of two boys, 2 and 8 years old, working fulltime, your website really caught my attention. I constantly battle wih myself to be present in the moment and not just clearing, cooking, doing laundry or whatever..
So this text about doing whatever they wouldn’nt love to do has started mé thinking, a lot.
The toughest part for me is, that I really don’t understand my oldest boy. His life and interests are very far from my experiences and interests. Sometimes I just give up.. Othertimes, I help building a new halfpipe for his finger skateboards ( thank you youtube for instructions..).. But I’m constantly baffled and on deep water..
Finding things to dó that suits both a 2-year old and an 8-year old is also something I really find difficult..
thank you so much for a beautiful, thought provoking post…i am just getting to the stage where I have to remember these words when with my 7 year old son. I am now competing with a handheld game for his attention…it’s not easy, and some days I let the handheld win because I am just too tired or distracted to engage him in some meaningful way…i will try to do better by him and by our relationship.
peace!
Wow. I sit reading this at my kitchen table, my youngest laying in the bed napping… the older two at school…. and thinking that I need to get busy so I can be focused on them this afternoon. My email dings, and this is what is in the inbox. I am glad I took a second to read it…. and then get busy in my moments of solitude… so I can focus on my three blessings today.
I follow only 2 blogs. This one and my personal trainers, i usually lose interest pretty quickly, but this one keeps my attention to the end. As my last two kids have reached teenhood, this becomes even more important (spending time doing things that you don’t necessarily enjoy). Hang in there, enjoy them while you have them. Keep writing!
You are doing it!! And I, for one, am so proud!
YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE, not only
in your children’s lives, but hopefully in the lives
of your readers’ children.
As a mom of 3 kids who are in their 30s—-
IT MATTERS!!!! — more than you know, certainly
more than they’ll ever tell you. Your time, your
being there(wherever ‘there’ might be) is noticed,
reassuring, confidence-building.
Your kids never will forget that you were always
in their corner, always. They’ll never forget
that THEY were your top priority.
Please remember this.
You can say you love them, buy the trendiest
toys, etc. SHOW THEM with time, commitment
and accountability. Let them never doubt that
commitment from you—-that UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE.
IT MATTERS, MOMS—-I PROMISE!
Keep up your good work–
—–from a mom who felt it mattered, too
Moving! Thank you.
Thank you for your heart filled blog and “words of advice”, as I often times take them as just that. As a single mother of 3 little lovies your blog is sometimes a savings and a blessing in disguise!
This post resonated with me not only as a mother of a 20 month old son, but also as a wife. Since we got smart phones, I’ve notice my husband and I spending increasing amounts of independent screen time. Hadn’t really thought about what I might be missing by stealing these ‘free’ moments with screens, the newspaper, dishes, etc…
Thank you, again! I have been feeling lately like I’m missing something with my girls and not as in touch with them as I want to be, especially with my oldest daughter. I think you hit on everything I missing and, as usual, you bring the tears. I want so much more for my girls than I feel I’ve been giving them. Thank you for the inspiration!
Thank you for my weekly call to action. Today, with 15 minutes until my child comes home from school, I will not try to fit in a blog post of my own. I will take one from my pre-written inventory and post it. Today I listen and sit with my child when she comes home!
This is so true! There are many days that I think we should just get rid of the phones, computer, TV just so the distractions are gone. I sometimes think life would just be simpler. The saddest part was that I was at my 4 yr olds soccer “playtime” when I looked at almost all the parents there-they were all on iphones. There was hardly a parent there actually watching their child run, play and have fun. Most days I just want 5 min of “alone time” (I have a 4yo, 2yo, 6 month old) but I hope and pray that my family will be united and close because we spend our time together. It’s scary to think of what all this technology could do to the family unit. Love your blog-brings me great reminders each time I read it, some quotes even hang on the fridge as little reminders!
Thank you for a beautifully written post about the importance of being present in our children’s lives. I felt the distance acutely this summer as it seemed my girls (11 and 14) were always off with one friend or another and we had to compete for their time and attention. The family time we did spend together was all the more precious. It also made me think long and hard about how fast the time passes and how I often longed for more time to myself when they were at a particularly challenging stage. I remember reading a quote that sums this feeling up quite well …” The days may be long but the years are short.” Enjoy every moment you can!
Wonderful. I’m still not convinced that my boys want me there watching them build with Legos, but I do spend quality time with them in many other ways.
Thank you for this post. xoxo
Thank you for this.
This corroborates what I have believed for years — that the reason my 18 year old son and I still enjoy each others company is because I spent time with him– time talking with him, laughing with him, crying with him, and playing with him for hours upon hours. People used to say that I gave him ‘too much attention’ as a toddler. People complained I gave him ‘ too much credit ‘ or ‘too much autonomy’ when he sought to express his opinion or make a decision.
But now, people tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, intelligent, compassionate, loving son, and they can’t fathom how I did it.
I am, and I will always be my son Nick’s biggest fan. I love that kid to pieces. But I think it’s this — that I spent time listening to his hopes and dreams, playing Power Rangers on the kitchen floor while dinner was cooking, and spending hours just talking, laughing, joking, crying, and hoping along with him, when I could have been doing other things instead.
This is why.
🙂
Thank you Heathir.
Those of on Rachel’s Hands Free journey with her do not get enough of this sort of validation. I sense I am doing this for a good reason, but sometimes I feel like I am spoiling them and ignoring myself. I hope the bond I am creating now will last a lifetime, if so, it’s worth every moment.
This was a great post, i enjoyed reading it. I wanted to share something that happened between me & my 12 yr old daughter (soon to be 13) last nite. She gave me a little bday list with 3 items on it, 3 days ago. I looked at it and put it aside. Last nite she “quizzed me” on what those items were on her list. I have to confess, normally i would not remember and just throw the list aside, but i did take the time to look at it and when she “quizzed” me last night, i knew exactly what those items were. And she was shocked and excited and so surprised that i knew. Now i was happy that i passed the test, but sad that she was so surprised that i actually knew the answer. That made me stop and think for a second, this little test made her so happy, but how many times am i really NOT paying full attention to her that she thought i would not know the answer…….not good.
Great post! I was asked to be a coach for my son’s AYSO this fall, and though I have never played, I said yes…and I am now very glad that I did. I believe that this type of quality time together is meaningful, just like one-on-one time. I was also asked to coach my daughter’s Odyssey of the Mind team, and again, I have no experience with it, but agreed to so that I would have extra time to spend with her, too (again, even though it’s in a group).
Since I started reading your blog a few months ago, I have been seeking out ways to spend more time with my children, and appreciating the little things more. Thank you!
I adore your blog, Rachel! I love when I get a notification in my inbox that there is a new post waiting to be read! Unbeknownst to me, I am a part of the ‘hands free’ revolution, I just didn’t quite know how to term it. I explore similar issues of connecting authentically with what matters in life (especially my children) in my fledgling blog, “Love you, Love me,” http://www.loveyouloveme2.wordpress.com
Thanks for sharing, you are an amazing writer! And mother!
I just recently discovered your blog and I just want to let you know home timely it is in my life. I have a four year old and two years old and it is so easy to miss out on those little moments when you have an iPhone. I have made a concerted effort to really be engage with them, but my husband has fussed that I am multitasking during our time. I guess this hands free revolution should carry over. Thank you for you inspiring words. I am a work in progress and this blog helps.
Thank you-I needed this well-written and important reminder today.
Rachel,
Thank you for another great article. Your insight is always refreshing and it’s clear, and fantastic, that you are so into being a mom.
In reading the above list about things you do, not because they are easy, but because you feel it connects you with your children I had a recurring thought, and I wonder; do you do those types of things to better connect to your spouse too?
As a man who has had 14 years of experience being a husband and father, and giving it my all, I think I can safely speak for all married men and say that no man wants to continually feel second.
Perhaps your next endeavor could be to write a column entitled: Hands Free Wife.
Just a thought. Keep up the good work.
Peace,
T
Thank you for the lovely words, Tino. I so appreciate hearing your encouragement and also your thoughts. You bring up a valid point about making purposeful effort to connect with our significant other. Although sharing that part of my life does not come as naturally as sharing about my parenting experiences, I have tried to address this topic in several posts. I will provide links to a few below in case you are interested. I love the idea of “Hands Free Wife” or “Hands Free Spouse.” Many of my readers have indicated there is a need for guidance and inspiration in this area. I will definitely keep that idea in mind in my publishing pursuits! Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts.
Distracted From Loving You http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/11/08/distracted-from-loving-you/
Joined In Silence: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/08/01/joined-in-silence/
Start the Conversation: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/02/20/start-the-conversation/
Thanks for the response Rachel,
As inspiring as your articles and some of the subsequent responses to them are, there is another recurring theme which is somewhat unnerving to me as a father.
It is simply this; many people are stressing the importance and need for quantity time with their children. As utopian and wonderful as quantity time is, some of us simply cannot provide quantity but must instead rely on quality. Articles that emphasize the need for quantity time are always a downer to me because they make me feel like I should be doing the impossible, which of course, I cannot do!
This reply, in and of itself, is not meant to be a downer, just the sharing of another, perhaps male, perspective of child rearing in today’s world.
Again, keep up the good work. I always benefit from the insight provided by your articles.
Peace,
T
Thank you, Tino. I greatly appreciate your willingnesss to share your perspective. I feel that the unique insights of my readers are truly a gift and enable me to grow as a parent and as a writer. Thank you for your openness.
I receive many personal emails from readers who share the same feeling. I truly believe that we can build bonds with our children, even in small increments of time. I believe in making the most of those routine, every day actions–not just going through the motions, but to take that time that we are given and look our children in the eyes and really listen. My husband is my greatest role model in this department. He also has a limited quantity of time–so when he does have time with our children and me, he is ALL there. I have recently shared some great articles on “The Hands Free Revolution” on this very topic that you might find interesting:
1) “Would you rather have close proximity to a busy loved one all day long, or a few minutes of that loved one’s undivided attention?” -Janet Lansbury http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/the-easily-forgotten-gift/
2) This article supports the “Hands Free” belief that even brief increments of uninterrupted time spent with a child or loved one can have infinite rewards. The author suggests a very realistic approach to fostering our relationships by having a brief period of “special time” each day. http://inspiredtoaction.com/2012/02/101-fun-activities-to-do-with-your-child/
3) This article offers an authentic and practical way to connect with children (and loved ones), even on those crazy, busy days where time is a limited commodity.
http://www.bamboofamilymag.com/summer-2012/peaceful-parenting-the-power-of-a-parents-touch-adding-tende.html
I just read your “Points of Light” on Daily Good and came here to read some more. Thank you for a wonderful start to my day. What I would have given for an attentive and interested mother! Your children and you are so fortunate. Bravo!
Thank you, Moyra! I am so honored be included with the other inspiring writers on Daily Good. How lovely of you to take the time to come to my blog and leave me this encouraging note. Thank you for this gift!
Well said Rachel!lLove your blog!It’s so sad that the very technology which actually helps people connect can also drive them far apart.I have strongly believed that children will always remember stuff that we do together.I do make it a point to sit through their dance/music lessons..not just drop them off and run errands.I have made it a point to play basketball and ride a bike with my 11 yr old son..We watch movies- all G rated for the benefit of kids every Friday night..my kids absolutely love plonking their pillows and quilts on the ground and watching these movies…These little things keep us connected a lot better.This would be a good place for people to contribute ideas about how to stay connected with kids as they grow.
Thank you, Geetha! I loved reading your connection examples and agree completely with your notion that these little gestures (like watching movies side-by-side on a Friday night) are what will make up our children’s fondest memories. I also love your idea about readers sharing how they stay connected to their children as they grow. We can learn so much from each other!!!
Your messages are so powerful! You are truly an inspiration. Those kids of yours sure do have one heck of a mom! 🙂 thank you for every word!
Wow! Thank you for making my day, Kristen!!!
This was really touching. I’ve been yearning to spend more time with my kiddos but wasn’t really sure how. I guess they’ll get to decide..thank you for lifting the pressure to facilitate activities and just be present.
How did I miss you were so close to me?! I am in Indigo in Mississauga all the time. So bummed!
It makes me sad to read your post, knowing so many parents need a reminder on this.
Oh I wish I could have met you, Stacey! I tried to promote the event as many times as possible without getting annoying. I am sad that you didn’t know about it & were so close!
I think I needed to hear this today. So often, I feel like zoning out and doing my own thing when my daughter is off playing with her dolls and looks like she doesn’t need me.
I don’t want to zone out of her universe and want to stay engaged with her. I just have to make an effort to play with her even though what she’s doing is not interesting to me.
This is a beautiful post. With a 2 year old boy who seems to get angry about anything, it is tempting to tune out and do other things, but you brought things to perspective. I do not want to look back many years from now and regret. I just discovered your blog and I cannot believe how awesome your content is.
http://littlepalaceonline.com
Thank you, Millie! I love your honesty & I am so glad you feel this impacted your outlook. So glad you are here.
Thank you for this important reminder. I need it it daily, please don’t stop! It is do easy to take those moments and use them for myself, so very tempting, sometimes so very needed. But I need to remember that these moments with him are fleeting, and one day I’ll wish I could hold them again.
My oldest is a sophomore in high school and I remember the excitement? shock? disbelief? of dropping him off for his 1st high school shadow. I remember watching him walk away from the car that first day of freshman year thinking ‘this is going to go by a lot faster than I think it will’ and continuing to ask ‘Do I know them? every time he talked about his new friends. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I don’t get to talk to him every morning in the car. I know that’s what being a parent is about, raising them so that they can go out into the world – but it doesn’t make it any less bittersweet. So I go to the soccer games where he spends a lot of time on the bench, and I try not to yell/cheer too much at his baseball games, and try not to get teary when I see him on stage at concerts or plays. I’m so proud of him (and my youngest) that it just fills me up some days and although I don’t want it to come too fast, I’m eager to see the man he’ll be someday. Love your posts!
How beautiful, CJ. Thank you for such an honest, heartfelt sharing. I can relate so much to what you describe.
THREE years ago you wrote this post…. that in itself brings pause….. so many things flee past – time being only the ‘messenger’ in which it all travels. I enjoy your words, as they often bring clearity to my jumbled wee hour waking moments that no longer have a nursing bundle, or a garbled dream that needs soothing, or a chilly toe that needs re-tucking. I’m still up, checking on dreamers, watching shadows grow and change as the moon makes its way. Distraction – something that causes attention to focus, may we in the parenting mode be grateful for the moments we can share in the visions! Blessings on your in & out breaths!
Thank you so much for this fabulous post. I started reading your blog a few years back when I was trying to figure out how to be a young married woman and found so much of the advice translated to my relationship with my husband. I often joke that I raised myself from the age of 12 on, but it wasn’t until I started reading your blog that I realized the distance I created from my parents was part them allowing it to happen, and part me finding a different space from the often turbulent environment of stress. I recently found out I am pregnant and am so happy to be entering this chapter of motherhood with a new set of skills I have learned from you and a space of peace I have created in my heart. So thank you so much for the amazing work! You have truly changed, and will continue to change, my life and the life of my family.
Wow!!! Jilliane, this means so much to me! Thank you for letting me know the impact of my words on your life — and now on your motherhood! I am SO happy for you! With love and blessings, Rachel
I appreciate this post! and I love your posts and they always ground me. But when do you take the time to get things done? When the kids are asleep? I found myself trying to watch/play with my 3-year old while my older 2 were in school and baby was sleeping, and I was thinking of all the things I could be doing while she played pretty well independently. I am confused – when do you make the time for yourself to get all the other things done?
Thank you, Natalie. I am suggesting small blocks of time (anywhere from 5 minutes to 30 minutes) to offer your presence and attention. Depending on a person’s life circumstances, they may be able to give only 5 minutes, but that 5 minutes of undivided attention has tremendous impact. For one, it provides the child with the attention he or she craves. There will be less acting out when children are given this time of focused attention. Also, it brings a sense of peace to the frenzy of life. It offers us a chance to simple BE, not DO. In this short interview, you can hear me talk about the benefits of small pockets of connection. http://globalnews.ca/video/2249878/hands-free-mama-talks-about-the-hands-free-revolution
When my children played soccer, each year I’d notice fewer parents on the sideline. On the rare times I couldn’t make a match, my kids would tell me, “Mom, you don’t have to come to EVERY game.” But I did – I was their mom, their cheerleader, the one who drove them home and heard about each goal shot, each missed opportunity, the cool treat someone’s mom brought for snack. Soccer was important to them so it was important to me (don’t ask if I ever really learned the rules of the game). It didn’t matter that their dad was the coach – I needed to be there. I attended their soccer games from ages five, three and three through high school – 22 years of soccer. Today my oldest is 30 and calls when he needs someone to watch his little girl 200 miles away. My daughter teaches first grade and I volunteer in her classroom. My youngest is in college and talks cars with me. We are connected – because I was there for the soccer games, the class field trips, the snow dances in the front yard. Because I showed up. Thank you for reminding us how to be the parents (and grandparents) our kids need us to be.
Dear Karen – This is beautiful confirmation of what happens when you make a daily investment of time & attention into the lives of the people you love. I am so grateful you shared this. Thank you for being YOU.
Rachel,
I have been reading your blog for a while now and have been meaning to comment – always waiting for a moment when I’d have time to write a well thought-out comment…and of course those moments never came. So today, as I was reading your post, I swore to myself that I would leave a comment! — I was nodding my head at every paragraph as I was reading. So true. I too try to spend quality time with my son, quality being doing things HE enjoys. I sometimes marvel at the things I do that I would never do by myself, or for anyone else, for that matter: at ten, my son is now past the playground slides…so I go on rollercoasters with him (and walk off a little green around the gills – on my own, I would never even do the milder rides at any amusement park!); I go on tree climbing adventures even though I hyperventilate at the thought of zip lining down (and then I tell myself, ‘if your ten year old can do it, surely you can do it!’ and jump –eeeeek!). And I play Darth Vader, and Count Dooku, and General Grievous with his 4 lightsabers (well, I use two) so my son, the aspiring Jedi, can duel me with his lightsaber. And when we play Star Wars, endlessly, I do the voices and the characters…it’s his favorite thing to do on Sunday mornings. And of course I’d rather sleep, or read, or just lounge in bed, but then I think about how many more years I have with him, where he WANTS to play with his mom, and then I muster up the energy to invent another thrilling story where my son can be the hero, LOL. Soooo true what you say about the time you spend paying dividends. I can see it already: even though I work full time, I have always tried to spend as much time as possible with my son, doing the things that interested him, and it is paying off in a really strong bond. He tells me things he would never tell my husband, at night, when he’s in bed and I sit with him (just like you said, “whispering his fears into the dark” and I’m there to comfort him). Thank you for the beautiful reminder that this is extra-precious time with our kids.
This is a really beautiful glimpse of how we can make the ordinary come alive by relishing the moments of togetherness we have with our beloveds. There was a sort of magical-ness in your description and imagined feeling safe & cozy & loved in your presence. Thank you doing that for your boy. Thank you for inspiring us all to try to have a little of this magic for ourselves. I am so grateful you commented. I am so grateful you are here.
this is beautiful, and a wonderful reminder. As I read this my two children and I are all in separate rooms on devices – I’m turning this off and going to see them x
Thank you
I love your blog- all the way from Australia
My friend made me read it because blessedly I live hands free but don’t write about it- I just do it. But I question why the extra things don’t get done….. The always a little bit bohemian life style…. The new website to go with the amazing work I do…. The fancy going out that others seem to do but I can’t make happen because…. Quite simply Im being present to five people’s lives- mine, hubby s and three kids. So thank you. You validate me, make me laugh, cry and smile and some time s I delete you because I don’t even have time to read more I just want to be present and I love that bit too- which im guessing you d like too. I’ll be passing on your work to others so we can keep your hands free mumma revolution alive
All the best xx
I think with older (more independent) kids, the same rules applies with any relationship. They ebb and flow in closeness and distance. When my kids wanted to talk, I was happy to be there. If they did their own thing, I was happy to do mine. I think we should do what feels right. I’m still close to my grown sons so I have no regrets.
I sit here convicted. Not because I neglect my kids or dismiss what is important to them, but because I realize there are even more moments I have missed because of my time NOT focused on them, but rather focused on my own agenda.
Oh this post is so deeply touching my every nerve… waking me up to the reality that time WILL fly and I will regret those times when my kids were trying to get my attention, and I was distracted with my own priorities. Priorities which I’m sure will be forgotten by then, but the memories of time with my kids are invaluable.
And yes.. dare I look back to see those moments with remorse, and wish I had stopped my own stuff to dive into theirs- to truly embrace every moment I had while they were under my chin, under my feet and under my roof.
Thank you, Rachel… For re-posting this. And yes, the Oregon shooting still causes me to tremble. I am still processing the post I wrote revealing my inner turmoil of claiming my faith, while looking down the barrel of a gun. Those people are an inspiration to us all. God rest their souls. I wonder what I would do? I honestly don’t know.
*I hope someday I can meet you too!
Thank you, dear Chris, for sharing your heart. I can relate to your words & your regrets. It took me a long time to forgive myself for all that I missed, but finally I realized that regret was only robbing me of today. I have come to believe that today matters more than yesterday. I shall learn from my mistakes and put my best efforts into today. I am so glad you are here.
I’ve had this article bookmarked in my phone for a long time, wanting to read it for a while, but just kept forgetting. I finally took the time to read it tonight, and I’m so glad I did. Thank you so much for the encouragement and exhortation to rise above the distractions of our lives in order to love and raise our children in a more intimate, purposeful way. I will definitely be keeping this bookmarked, to read again whenever I need the reminder. God bless you for helping so many of us mommies in the way that you do. He is using you for His good purpose. In God’s love, Elizabeth.