“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.” -Emily Dickinson
The term cyber-bullying sounds so futuristic … so foreign … and so far-off. When I heard the word about a year ago, I thought I had plenty of time before this type of threat could touch my family. Part of me wanted to believe we could avoid it altogether—that it was something that happened to “other people”.
But now I know that kind of thinking is just foolish and naïve. I know this because cyber-bullying has been getting frighteningly close to home. Family friends and loyal readers of my blog are telling me just how easily it happens … just how damaging it feels to the victim … just how helpless it feels to the parent … and in some case, just how devastating it feels to be the bully who never intended for things to take a tragic turn.
I’ve made a conscious effort to protect my children from the dangers of the online world by installing filtering and accountability software. I have established an open line of communication with them and am involved in their online activities. But despite having these external protections in place, cyber-bullying (and good-old fashioned face-to-face bullying) can still happen and is happening. In many instances, these attacks are coming from trusted friends and classmates within a child’s social circle. [source]
At times, I’m tempted to banish technology from our lives—but I know that is not a realistic solution. Electronic devices are becoming an integral part of the education system. For my older daughter, these devices have quickly become tools that are required to complete daily schoolwork. I watch in awe as she uses technology to create, navigate, and acquire important skills for the future.
It is imperative that I continue to provide external protection for my child in the digital world, but that is not enough. I must also provide internal protection—protection of her heart, mind, spirit, and emotional wellbeing. I must provide affirming words and beliefs that she can use as armor if and when she is attacked.
A very brave mother spurred this action in me. Her beautiful and vibrant daughter, Rebecca, took her life after being a victim of cyber-bullying. As I read the significant actions that Rebecca’s mother, Tricia Norman, took to protect her daughter and remove her from the toxic environment, I couldn’t help but weep knowing the outcome. The mother noted that she thought things were going better for Rebecca at her new school, but the child kept her distress from her family. “Maybe she thought she could handle it on her own,” Ms. Norman said.
Maybe she thought she could handle it on her own.
After reading that particular sentence several times, my role as a parent of a child growing up in the 21st century became crystal clear. I want to be sure my child knows she doesn’t have to go it alone.
I felt compelled to immediately tell my child that she is not alone—no matter what the circumstances are. I wrote a letter to my daughter that contains reminders I will communicate to her often and in ways that she can understand as she matures. I share this letter to help others who want the children in their life to know they are not alone. Perhaps these words can help start the conversation.
To my dear daughter,
Technology is becoming a part of your life more and more. Eventually you will want a phone and will want to start communicating with others online. Before that day comes, it is important for me to tell you a few things. You will hear these words a lot from me—you might even get sick of them. But these reminders are important. When the time comes, you will know how important they are. When you are hurting, let me remind you of these things.
Let me remind you …
When you are teased, hurt, or humiliated, that day will seem horrible and unbearable. Just know that when you make it through that night, things have a way of looking more hopeful in the morning. Tomorrow holds possibilities that you cannot see today. I will help you see the promises in tomorrow when you can’t see them for yourself.
Let me remind you …
With me, you can be honest and real. With me, you can cry, scream, and let out your true feelings. My love for you cannot be changed by revealing the feelings going on inside you—no matter how hard they are to say out loud.
Let me remind you …
You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness. If other kids hurt you, together we’ll figure out a way to help you work through those problems or distance yourself from them if needed.
I encourage you to find that one loyal and kind friend to go through the school year with – don’t let societal standards fool you into believing friends must be popular, good looking, or cool – at the end of the day, kindness is the most important quality to have in a friend and be in a friend.
Let me remind you …
If you have been humiliated or teased, facing certain people may seem impossible. But you have the courage and strength within you to show others they cannot hold you back from living your life.
Let me remind you …
No matter how personal the attack, it is about them—their insecurities and issues—not about you.
Let me remind you …
No matter how humiliated you are or how embarrassing it is to tell me what happened, when I look at you, I see my beautiful and amazing child. No one can change the way I see you.
Let me remind you …
You can come to me with anything—even if you made a mistake, even if you used bad judgment. There is nothing that is “too bad” to tell me. Believe me, I have made plenty of mistakes and even though it was hard to let someone else in, I was so relieved not to carry the burden alone.
Let me remind you …
If your gut tells you what someone is doing is wrong, it probably is. Don’t take part. Letting an adult know about someone who is being harmed or bullied does not make you a coward—it makes you courageous and compassionate; it makes you a good friend who can look back on this later and life and proudly say, “I didn’t turn the other cheek. I tried to help.”
Let me remind you …
I cannot make your problems and hurts go away, but I can listen. And together we can come up with a solution. There is nothing we can’t get through together. You are never, never alone.
I love you forever & always,
Mom
On the very same night I wrote the letter, I spoke to my child about cyber-bullying. Although I did not read the above letter word for word, it helped to formulate my thoughts ahead of time.
I brought up the topic at bedtime, not sure she would have anything to say in response. I quickly realized she’d been waiting for an opening. My daughter began talking freely about her own personal observations about bullying that applied to her 10-year-old life and peer relationships. She articulately described how it felt to be betrayed by someone she trusted. That is when I told her about Rebecca and other young people who had ended their lives as a result of being tormented.
Suddenly my daughter sat up abruptly, as if the words she was about to speak could not be said lying down. Gripping the edge of her sheets tightly in her hands, she declared, “I would never kill myself, Mama! I have you, Daddy, my sister, and Banjo. I have too much to live for!”
Not too long ago, I couldn’t have imagined such grave words coming from my daughter’s lips.
Not too long ago, such words would’ve made me want to cry.
Not too long ago, I might convinced myself we didn’t need to talk about such things.
But things are different now.
And now talking about these things with my daughter and listening to her express her feelings is giving me peace. I may not be able to prevent a tragedy, but I vow to provide her with as much internal protection as I can—protection of her heart, mind, spirit, and emotional wellbeing by expressing my unconditional love every chance I get.
Like many other parents and caregivers, the world of technology is pushing me into territories unknown and places I never wanted to go. But for the sake of my precious child, I will go there so she doesn’t have to go it alone. She has too much to live for.
And I will be here to remind her in case she should ever forget.
*************************************
Dear friends of The Hands Free Revolution, let today be the day the children in your life are reminded that they are not alone. Let today be the day the children in your life hear all the things you love about them. Whether bullying is a part of that conversation or not … whether they are toddlers or teens … today is always a good day for a child to be validated by a parent or caregiver.
The story you just read is part of my new book, HANDS FREE LIFE, in association with Chapter #3: Build a Foundation. The three practical habits outlined in this chapter illustrate how to build strong internal foundations in our children despite societal pressures, the overabundance of technology, and everyday challenges. My new book, HANDS FREE LIFE: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More, released on September 8 and was an instant #1 bestseller on Amazon in three categories: Inspiration, Family Relationships, and Women’s Studies. In addition to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, it is now available at Target stores just in time for the holidays. To see how the book is changing people’s lives, read any of the Amazon customer reviews. I'd be grateful if you would consider my book for your holiday gift list for yourself or someone you care about. It has the potential to bring renewed peace, presence, and love to 2016.
* Today is the final day to receive free shipping on the ONLY LOVE TODAY bracelets, as well as all the items in the Hands Free shop. Many families are using The Hands Free Pledge and The Hands Free House Rules to be more intentional with their time, energy, and presence. Use the code: FREEFALLSHIP at checkout for free shipping on domestic orders and discounted shipping on international orders.
Thank you for being a part of The Hands Free Revolution. Together, there is so much hope.
Again, you’ve touched my life with yours. This is a subject that many of us would like to have go away but need to face up to before it gets to where I am today. I have a beautiful, creative and once joyful 13 yr old daughter who has been the victim of this kind of bullying for almost 2 years now. She started on Facebook and I shut it down, then Instagram where this person actually would open accounts with names like “Leah is a b—-” and when my daughters friends would start flagging her she would take it down and Instagram can’t track her. We’ve reported it to the FBI and local authorities and this kid manages to evade detection. Although we suspect we know who it is. Just wanted to congratulate you for being proactive, my daughter’s experience has led her to self harm, she was living with her dad for a little while and he absolutely refuses to allow any weakness such as crying! (right can you imagine?) and depression really doesn’t exist it’s just self pity. So, we are picking up the pieces here, with me she cries whenever she wants or needs, she is under a doctor’s care and has to take medication for her anxiety. She was hospitalized once for suicidal thoughts. She is however, plugged into a great church youth group who are working with her issue and making friends she is changing, her self harm episodes are fewer and farther between, but we can only take baby steps. I shut down Facebook so tightly that she cannot be found by searching, she is the only one who can invite someone to friend her, instagram is closed, twitter is closed and I have all her texts forwarded to my phone. Kudos for bringing this topic to the surface. Thank you for letting me vent.
Thank you for sharing, Rosa. I am so sorry for the pain your daughter has endured and for the torment this has caused you. You have so powerfully illustrated why it is never too soon to start having these conversations with our children. I thank you for your courage in sharing your story so we can be enlightened and proactive in our own lives. I hope you can feel the love coming your way from me today. I am grateful you took the time to comment. May your daughter continue to find strength and hope in her youth group. May you both be filled with peace and healing.
Rosa, that was so very brave of you to share. I’m sending a prayer up for you and your daughter.
Your comment brought me to tears. From one mom to the next… I’m sending you cyber love and support. And praying for all the best for you and your daughter. It sounds like youre on the right teack and doing everything you can to support your girl. Parenting is never easy. Ive been through my own struggles and failure and I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Hang in there and best wishes-:)
I am a mom of four under five. My oldest just started kindergarten. On day two of school, he was bullied on the bus. The older kids were poking him in the stomach and calling him a kindergarten baby repeatedly. He got of the bus in tears. I was so angry. I called the transportation department, his teacher and the principal of the school who were all very vigilant in addressing the situation. Though they spoke to the kids, I could tell they still thought it was a case of my child blowing things out of proportion. Just last week, (week four of school) there was another incident on the playground at lunch. My son got in trouble for hitting another student and I was called. In sitting down and talking to him with his teacher, he breaks down and says that the boys kept throwing wood chips at him and trying to push him into the dirt. He said he was trying to get them off of him and that he didn’t mean to hit the child. (My son is very honest.) When the teacher asked why he didn’t tell an adult he said “because I have to handle it on my own. If I tell, they will get me worse.”. My son is 4. These words should not even be in his mind. My heart breaks for him. It is hard to imagine how bad this problem has become since us parents were in school. Teach your kids to love one another. Somehow it seems many youth are not getting this valuable life lesson.
I am so sorry, Shannan. As a teacher and mother, it is very hard for me to read your son’s story without crying. I am thankful he has you as his advocate and encourager. Thank you for taking the time to share so we can convey to our children how important it is to be kind and stand up for those being wronged. I hope things turn around very soon. Please give your brave and precious son a big hug from me today.
4 years old! OMG. We had to remove my son from 6th grade and go private because he was not telling anyone what was happening, from girls as well as boys. Turns out that bullying of various kinds had been going on for a long time but that by the time he got into 6th his head was down and he would not look up and we figured it out. He’d been told repeatedly by teachers over the years that things were no big deal or to handle it or to walk away. Their not handling or being aware or chatting instead of monitoring led to his isolation and increase in bullying. He was even bullied by the 6th grade science teacher in front of the class. Sometimes you cannot jus take it and walk away. So luckily we could afford private. Today he is a very happy well adjusted respected college kid. He was voted most likely to go to the moon and most likely to be on the front of Time by his PUBLIC high school class and prom. We just pulled him out for middle school. I can only send best wishes and hope that you find the strength to get through this with your child. High school is better for many.
Thank you for sharing this experience. I just wanted to share the name of another great program that I’ve seen make a difference in students’ lives. Bullies to Buddies is also an empowering program for parents, students and teachers.
Thank you, Denise. We can use all the resources we can get our hands on. I appreciate you taking the time to share.
I second that website – I am a teacher and got a lot of resources to share with my students from that site. It teaches the students how to respond to bullies in a way that disarms them and de-escalates the situation. The bit on handling gay insults illustrates the concept brilliantly. They offer lots of scenarios to role play so you can se what works and what doesn’t when responding to a bully. http://bullies2buddies.com/the-solution-to-qgayq-insults-freedom-of-speech/
Rachel,
I really dont know how you do it, every post comes in at the perfect time, like we are going thru the same thing together which is really not possible. Anyways, yesterday when I picked my daughter from daycare, she is 2yr old, the caregiver was waiting for me to inform me that my daughter was a bully! I was in disbelief, shock, first because in my opinion a 2 year old has no knowledge of the consequences of her actions and second because at this point I dont think she is doing anything to purposely hurt her friends. In any case it just open my eyes to this topic really early, how to prevent this from happening in the future, Im sure I want to raise my daughter to be independent and open to discuss any issues with me, Im sure I would love to prevent any bullying from happening to her but most importantly I do not want to raise a bully. Of course is too early for me to discuss this with her, but your letter just helped me see this topic from both sides and I will keep it close for when the time comes to have this conversation! Thank you so much for sharing,
Venestina
Hi- I would have a discussion with your caregiver and find out what caused her to label your 2 year old as a bully. I recently had a discussion with two 6 year old boys at our library when I overheard one call the other a bully. Turns out one boy decided the other was a bully because he wouldn’t share Legos, but it took a ten minute discussion to find out that was the cause. I taught preschool and have three kids, and I seriously doubt your daughter has the capacity to act as a bully at 2 years of age. They may not share well, they may hit or bite at that age, but they do not have the intent to be a bully.
Kate – Thank you so much for your advice, I really didnt know how to address the issue, and it assures my opinion that whatever she was doing it wasnt the intention to hurt her friends. I did talk to her, the reason she gave was that my daughter likes to pick on her friends and do things she knows bothers them, running after them or trying to scare them. While I do not tolerate misbehaving, I do think that labeling a 2 year old as a bully is an overstatement, at that age my daughter forgets what she was doing 15 minutes ago nonetheless plan to hurt someone on purpose. But I just saw this as an opportunity to address the issue as early as possible to of course avoid this issue, the best I can.
I wish I had thought this through when our daughter was still at home. She definitely had the idea she had to go it alone and I didn’t understand what was happening. Thankfully we are better now, and she is better now. But oh the grief that could have been avoided if we had known and told her she is not alone.
Thank you for sharing your post, Rachel. On Saturday, I heard my son talk about a friend of his in a way I never thought I would hear from him. I immediately took issue with it, especially since he said it to another friend of his. I was a victim of bullying as a child in school, way before the internet made it easier to target children. My position with my children is that they will not have a Facebook account until they can afford their own computer and their time on the computer. My son does play on the computer, and has friends who have Facebook pages. He is 9. I hope that by teaching him not to bully or badmouth his friend in real life(aka not on the internet) that will lead to him making better choices when he does have access. And I hope by teaching him not be a bully he will recognize that if he is bullied it is about the person who is the bully, and not about him, and that if he does have an issue, he will find an adult to help him deal with it.
Rachel,
You amaze me with every post you write. I get emotional every time I read one of your posts. They always apply to my life. You are a very good writer and you are an inspiration to me!
I love your blog and nearly always I’m moved to tears. This subject is an important one especially because as parents we often are where our children learn to be kind or learn to bully. How we talk about our own friends in front of our children sets an example of what is “acceptable” to our children. If we belittle or mock our friends as adults, we teach our children that it’s ok. I have 3, 4 and 6 year old kids and they soak up our example and those of their older friends at school. But even as young as 2 or 3, it is possible to have a bully. If a home is managed by parents who are bullies, and subsequently teach their children to “be tough” by bullying, it can happen even at the youngest ages. What’s important is the daily reminders of loving your kids, making sure they know it, and making sure they think about how their actions affect others — in good or bad ways.
It’s strange that *nothing* has been done to simply avoid bullying in school (or anywhere else for that matter). I was bullied from pre-school till 7th or 8th grade. I remember going to the principal, to the administration, to parents, teachers and whoever else would listen and saying that was WRONG. And I was doing this from the time I was 5! I remember trying to open peoples eyes to bullying even before it was a word here (I live in Brazil and we didn’t have a word for bullying in Portuguese until maybe 10 years ago… when actually “bullying”, in English, started being used).
People called it “building character”, people called it “part of growing up”, people said that it was something that I, at 5, had to learn to deal with. People attributed it to me being shy (as in, I was bullied BECAUSE I was shy… not that I was shy BECAUSE I was bullied).
I’m not a teacher, I am not a psychologist, I am not an educator… I still believe, however, that too little is done to avoid bullying. It’s something that’s as damaging as sexual abuse and probably even less talked about and addressed… And with maybe as much victim-blaming.
And then, 10 years later, one of the bullied children go psycho and everyone is saying “Oh, wow… He was such a shy kid… I never would have thought…”
Yeah… You never knew he was holding on to all the abuse he got. You never took the time to listen to him. You always told him to “act like a man” and “deal with it”
I don’t think a 4 year old (or even a 10 or 12 year old) should have to deal with bullying. As I don’t think any child should be subject to any kind of abuse. And when that happens, I don’t think a child, no matter how smart and “mature” and “wise” should deal with it alone.
If you don’t expect a child to get over a physical or sexual abuse alone, why would ANYONE expect a child to get over bullying.
Bullying is a form of physical/emotional abuse.
It appears to me that adults don’t know how to handle the thought of a child suffering any form of abuse. Then it’s easier to downplay it, or blame the child. Again, a lot like sexual abuse.
What maybe makes it worse is that bullying is an abuse commited by another child… And then how do you handle a child being mean to another child?
It takes courage. It takes guts. It takes a lot of adults finally accepting that many of them were wronged by those who should have protected them and that they now have the chance to make things right.
Bullied children do NOT become better adults. Bullies do NOT repent and become upstanding citizens. Bullied children become depressed, anxious, insecure adults. Bullies become violent husbands, aggressive parents, drunk drivers.
I could bet money that bullies are children with emotional scars, who end up venting their frustrations on smaller children… I’ll even bet they are the children of bullies. Bullied children are children who are eager to please.
Adults should break the cycle. How? I have no idea. But I’m pretty sure that as long as teachers, parents, politicians, etc sit on their hands, children will keep being hurt.
As we ask ourselves what we could have done to prevent such horrible things like Columbine, I am 100% certain that the answer lies on STOPPING bullying. Zero tolerance. Like drugs. Like alcohol. Like weapons on school property. It should be banned.
Forever.
And I am sorry I rambled for so long…
Virginia
You make some excellent points, but I think we – as parents – also have to keep our eyes open to the fact that our child may BE the bully, not the victim. It’s easy to rationalize and remain in denial, but the simple fact is that bullying requires bullies.
And I suspect that most bullies-in-training learn this behavior at home. From a parent who sees nothing wrong with gossiping about one friend with another. Or making snide remarks about someone who is an easy target for a cruel comment. Or laughing at the schmuck who let them cut ahead in line. Yes, we rationalize these away, too – our friend probably talks about us, so all’s fair. The person we sneered at didn’t hear us, so our words were funny, not hurtful. That person we cut in front of wasn’t in as big of a hurry as we were.
Until we consistently practice compassion and empathy towards others, and are willing to step in and offer protection to the weaker and more vulnerable around us, our society will continue to beget more bullies. They aren’t born, but they are surely formed by what they see and hear around them. It begins – and can end – with us.
Terry
What you wrote is so true. As a child who was bullied the “traditional” way, it is hard for me to accept this new form of bullying, but it is ever-present and invasive. Fortunately, my 11-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son have been fairly unscathed to date by cyber-bullying. For my daughter, prior to entering 6th grade this year, her school declared it had one required book for summer reading: “Bystander” by James Preller. This book was an amazing read (I also read it since I knew my daughter had to answer questions about it and may need help). The basic premise of the book is to let kids know that even if you aren’t the bully, simply standing by and doing nothing is actually another form of bullying, because in that moment you have become a bystander. It is written from a 7th grader’s point of view, and parts of the story were gritty and felt real. My daughter really absorbed the info, and on the 2nd day of school this year, they had a 6th grade assembly to discuss the book and share thoughts about it.
In addition to this book, my daughter’s Girl Scout troop last year worked on a collective project toward their Bronze Award, which has to be approved by the National Girl Scout Council before being awarded. The theme of their project was bullying, and they decided to make a series of public service announcements to be aired in our local area. The local cable station allowed the girls to go in and film skits on several occasions, in which they “performed” several different forms of bullying. It was a powerful experience for my daughter and her friends. I’m proud to report, too, that the National Council awarded the girls their Bronze Awards and they have all since bridged up to Cadettes!
This is such a critical issue and I’m so proud of my daughter, her friends and the school district for recognizing this and doing everything they can to support our kids. Thank you for talking about this issue.
I reposted this because I had a couple typos. Sorry!
Such a good and important piece. Thank you for sharing. I love hearing about your girls because they sound like they have such big hearts and they face real issues with purity. My girls are not so unlike yours, but a little older. So your insight still helps me in some ways and for that I am thankful—I will take all the help I can get.
I just wanted to add to the thoughts on this post….that for girls like ours that seem so pure and real and kind, maybe headstrong, searching for or lacking self-confidence, it’s important to remind them also that the bully may be their friend…and in turn, their friend may be bullying them. And as a result, deciding if they(the bully) are the kind of friend they should keep….Bullies do what they do by being their victim’s friend. That sounds so harsh, but I think one of the hardest things to teach my daughters is that they cannot let themselves be treated poorly….or allow the bullying. This is hard because we teach them to be nice….and there’s a fine line between being nice, and not letting yourself get taken advantage of. Heck–I went through this in my late 20s with my own girlfriends. I love that my daughters are nice, but I want them to be stern in who they are and what they believe in and know their self-worth. My girls are 11 and 13…..I just want them to have confidence. That is all. Rachel–please give us some advice on this–I’ll be anxiously awaiting that post! lol!
xoxo
Christy
Wow, this couldn’t have come at a better time. All of your posts are deeply relevant, and something I treasure in my inbox. This one hits home given a recent situation with our 11 year old. This year we’ve allowed him to use Instagram. It’s a love hate relationship with technology and I struggle to balance my social networking fears with his desire to expand his wings and communicate with middle school friends. It’s watched daily and last week we had our first taste of the bullying. My quiet follower son commonly posts pics of his new haircut, shoes or ready for school. Last week a “friend” posted a string of very derogatory comments. I was stunned and hurt and even though my son said it was cool, I could see through those eyes. I ended up calling the kid and had a calm conversation about being the kind of friend we want in others. We talked about uplifting our friends and not being afraid to share a compleat. It actually went well, he apologized to my son, and no one seemed too embarrassed. But it’s made me think. A lot. How much do we intervene as parents? How do I know that was the right decision? What if talking to a bullying classmate produces more angst for my child. As my son ages will he get angry or push me away for speaking up? That’s what’s on the mind lately. I love your letter. There are many things in there that I said to him, but I think it’s a good starting stone to put those thoughts and support in writing for him. Keep the conversation going…. Thanks again for your post.
Jennifer U.
I was reading through all of these comments, prepping mine in my head, when I read yours. It touched me.
My nephew is 23. I love him with all of my heart; we were very close as he was growing up.
I follow him on Instagram, of course, and I’ve seen some of those hurtful, name calling comments that “friends” post in response to a picture.
Even knowing he’s 23, I want to get out there and defend him, but he takes it all, he says, with a grain of salt: “They’re just kidding?” he says.
Are they? Are they really?
I hope they are, but as his 52-year old aunt, I want to make those bullies go away…
That protective instinct never goes away, even when your kids are adults…
As always your message brought a tear to my eye and touched my heart. My daughters are only 2 and 6 years old but I already worry about this. My oldest daughter has such a huge heart and is so loving that even the smallest comment from a friend can hurt her feelings. I loved your letter and plan to do the same. Keeping the good ideas and inspirational words coming!
Thank you for sharing this.I have a daughter that’s 13 now and she’s being bullied in school.she used to love going to school even when she’s sick she still goes but when her schoolmates started bullying her she would make up reasons why she can’t go to school.I noticed the big difference in her and found out that she’s doing self harm already so my husband and I spoke to her and decided to transfer her to a new school with her own decision.now her self harm lessens and she’s slowly becoming her old jolly kid that she was before she was bullied.this is new to me and really don’t know how to handle it.any advice will really help.thanks
I have to disagree with the comment that mentioned that teachers, school administrators are not doing ‘enough’ to stop bullying; Times and attitudes have changed. This is a very important topic in my school and one that is taken very seriously. But, remember, just like you parents at home, unless I SEE it or a child TELLS ME about it, do I know that it is happening ??? Unfortunately, we all know kids can be sneaky and do or say it when the teacher is not looking or on the playground where only a few staff members are assigned to watch 30 t0 60 (or more) kids on a field the size of a soccer field. An adult can not be a part of or witness every single conversation that is going on. So, please don’t say we are not doing anything; we are, but it takes parents to raise their children to teach them the right way to treat others; my circle of influence is nowhere near the size or scope that yours is on your child. Am I a parent too? Yes of three beautiful children, so I do approach my ‘job’ through the eyes of a mom. Also, as for tweens and teenagers, only so much bullying goes on at school; most of it is online, on texts, etc. as they all have 24 hour access to each other (again, something a parent needs to control). And again, unless a child tells me about it, do I know it is happening? I constantly try to keep my eyes and ears open for it, but unfortunately, though it would help, I can not read minds… It’s tough for all of us all around. I guess I just need you to remember that teachers and administrators and school staff are there to work WITH you, not against you; sometimes parents forget that and somehow we end up being the ‘enemy’. Please remember we are professionally trained (I have my Masters degree and 9 years on -the-job experience) and we don’t want your child to be bullied as much as you don’t want them to. PS My kids will not have a cell phone, FB page, twitter feed, Instagram, etc. until they are old enough and mature enough to be able to handle these types of situations; so maybe 16 or 17 or 18? or when they move out of the house??? It’s tough and I guess it depends on each child individually.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I have been very impressed with the time, effort, & importance our school district has placed on bullying awareness and prevention. And I agree with the notion that working together (parents & school staff) is much more effective than working against each other. Thank you for the important work you do day in and day out for our children.
I am really, really, REALLY sorry. In no way did I mean that teachers, school admin, etc, are the ones to blame.
I am not a mother yet, but I was a victim of bullying (before it went viral), and YES, I do think that PARENTS should be the first ones to notice and report a problem. Parents and teachers should work together. Always.
Unfortunately, MANY parents put the responsibility of raising their children on the teachers. Teachers should be the ones teaching math, science, etc. Parents should be the ones raising human beings (teaching discipline, respect, etc).
Most bullies I met were children who didn’t have parents around…
Anyway, I am sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, much less people who have been doing their best to prevent bullying.
I am not a teacher. I am not a parent. I spoke out of passion for the subject and I wasn’t thinking clearly…
– Virginia
Thank you, Virginia. The care and concern for the wellbeing of the children of the world is something I think we all share. Thank you for your passion and for sharing your own personal experience on a heartbreaking topic. We’re all in this together.
Rachel,
I just wanted to say thank you for your beautifully written posts. My friends and I often email your posts to each other when we know they will be of benefit.
Many a post has brought us to tears and we thank you for giving us the tools to appreciate how precious our lives and our children are.
Judith x
Thank you, Judith. This means a great deal to me. Thinking of you sharing my stories with one another and finding comfort and strength in knowing we are not alone makes me feel so hopeful. Thank you for telling me.
Rachel,
You couldn’t have known but somehow you did that as you were posting this amazing story I was tearfully posting a plea on a social media site imploring Mother’s in my community to talk to their daughters about how they treat others every day. You see, my 10 year old smart, beautiful, kind, thoughtful daughter has been dealing with bullying for a few years now. It escalated yesterday as she was waiting for her sister to finish her dance class at our local dance studio. A place my girls love to go because the women and girls that teach there are positive role models. They feel strong and confident there until a few girls decided to tell my daughter that she didn’t belong there and that nobody likes her there. I am the proud Mommy of 3 amazing girls and I am so grateful to have found you and the pearls of wisdom that you offer us with every heartfelt word you write. Thank you for touching my heart once again.
Denise, I am so sorry for the pain your daughter has experienced. I just do not understand and will never understand such cruelty. I am thankful that your daughter has you to love, support, and encourage her. I will be sending positive thoughts and love your way today.
Where to begin? I have not had to deal with this for my own daughter yet (she’s only 5 and a half months old), but my own experience in middle school and even a little into high school comes vividly to mind. It was a small church school where you wouldn’t expect this kind of thing to happen. In a class of no more than 10 or 15 kids, my sister and I were isolated. Every insult they could find was hurled at us. We usually only had one friend at school each year (our friends usually went to other schools). One kid walked by us and said “gay, gayer, gayest.” They accused us of having “nightly visits” with my dad. They repeated almost everything we said in a stupid mocking tone. I felt so alone. I wouldn’t have had what it took to end my own life, but I didn’t exactly see the point of living. I couldn’t have followed in my brothers footsteps to end my pain. I just hoped that someday it would be better. I can’t look back on those days without crying. I’m slightly shaking even now and tears are in my eyes. I’ve moved past those days and am gaining new self confidence in understanding my own self worth. My tears now are mainly for the pain I suffered then. It was awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my bitterest enemy. In a step towards moving past those days, I wrote to the boy who had been my main tormentor. I told him I forgave him and that I wasn’t angry at him. He responded and said he had been sorry for quite some time, but hadn’t had the chance to tell me so. With this in mind, I am moving forward. There is hope. Things will get better. But something must be done, and I sincerely appreciate your efforts to do so. Thank you very much for a wonderful post. Blessings to you and your daughters!
Rebecca took her life not far from my house. I’m glad that even though the circumstances are tragic that her story has became a national story. I hope that others learn from posts like yours and bullying won’t take the lives of more beautiful people like Rebecca.
Thank you, Krystal. I am so sorry for this loss of a beautiful light in your community.
Rachel, thank you!! And to the other parents who have commented, thank you, too, and love!!
Despite all of our protections, the technology awareness, the anti-bully discussions, etc, my own daughter, too, was bullied by her best friend. She was tormented for 2 years every day at school. No one told us, least of all my daughter. She thought it was her fault, she thought she’d done something to deserve it, so she felt ashamed and she hid it. Despite all of our talks. Despite our protection. Despite our awareness. Despite me tracking her every online move. I even went to talk to her teacher one year because my beautifully brilliant daughter told me she felt stupid, and thought the workload that year was particularly harsh. Her teacher brushed off my comments and told me that my daughter was fine. She didn’t know either.
After that child moved, my daughter was next purposely excluded by her entire grade. We didn’t know until it was over and she’d moved on to high school.
By then, the damage was done. We didn’t find out until part way through her first year of high school, when she admitted she might be “depressed.” Yes. Depressed. Suicidal. Self-harming. Desolate, ashamed, alone.
Three years later, we’re still trying to help her through. It’s not getting easier. She’s learning to deal with her self-hatred. Not learning to make it go away.
As a parent, it is the most helpless and desperate feeling to know that you can’t fix your child, that your once happy and self-confident little girl feels broken and there’s nothing you can do to reach that very core of her to tell her it’s ok, it’s not her, it’s them, and don’t listen, and please be well! You can’t.
This was her best friend. The person she trusted almost most in the world. If that person could turn on her, she must not be very worthy of love. So every time her feelings get hurt, her world comes back down around her all over again. She has a beautiful group of friends now, but even that doesn’t make it all better.
The damage that child inflicted will be with us for the rest of our lives, and every single night I go to bed praying, hoping, that we get another day to try. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is check on her. Sometimes we co-sleep. Sometimes I don’t sleep.
I truly don’t know how to stop this kind of thing from happening. Clearly our anti-bully campaigns don’t work.
I would give anything to have this not be the way our lives are going. Since it is, though, we deal. I bought her your bracelet last Christmas. Only love. I’d love to be able to say that she cherishes it, but she doesn’t feel she should wear it. Someday she will, though, and I wear mine.
Thank you, Rachel! Thank you, parents! Please spread Rachel’s post!! Love to you all!!
Dearest Kathy – Thank you for enlightening us with your painful story. I am grateful for you and your daughter. I hope and pray there is peace, light, and goodness ahead for both of you.
To this day I still cringe when recalling elementary school – 7th Grade in particular. I was one of the “bullied” ones – not just by certain classmates, but in this instance, by the teacher as well. In reading this latest post by Rachel, I breathed a prayer of gratitude that the technology we have today wasn’t available then as the playground “queens” were relentless in their quest to ensure that those not within their own circle were reminded on a daily basis that they were less than worthy. No actions or discipline could make them discontinue this quest, or to even recognize that their attitude was just plain wrong!
Memories of that time were invaluable when my own daughter was bullied for a brief time while in middle school — the love and support I received from my parents during that horrific year were good training on how I could best help her.
To my knowledge, my grandson has not experienced bullying in any form, but I am reminded that continuous prayer for him, and for his peers is mandated, along with being that willing and listening ear when needed.
Thank you for sharing, Mimi. We can learn so much from each other’s experiences and insights. Grateful for your presence on this journey.
Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your words so much. I have twin 8-year-old daughters, and your writing has sparked much reflection and many, many conversations. Thank you! (I am also a bookseller and included your new book in our holiday newsletter: http://www.bookshopsantacruz.com/2015WN-MBS. It has been wonderful putting your book in readers’ hands.)
Children, and yes teenagers too, are fragile. Even the people bullying have problems inside, which is why they must point out the vulnerabilities in others. You’re doing a good thing by giving your daughter that inner core of self-love. Its something we need all our lives.
Thank you SO much for this article. I have just finished placing similar letters on each of my sons beds, and will have discussion about them at dinner. I will be forever grateful to you for all of your wonderful, life saving advice and inspiration.
Thank you, Jayne. This means everything to me.