Hold tight; you're slowly coming back to life.
I'll be keeping your head up.
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight.
I'll be keeping your head up.
–Birdy
*name has been changed for privacy reasons
Six weeks ago, I was feeling unsteady, depleted, and far away from myself. I was finding it difficult to do my job … to respond or communicate … to do laundry … look presentable … and leave the house. I knew my fragility was a result of extending myself beyond reasonable limits and neglecting to give myself proper time and care after multiple surgeries and an intense book-writing period.
It went against every fiber of my conscientious, people-pleasing nature, but I began declining or flat out ignoring the many requests of my time and energy that kept pouring in despite my vow to create some breathing room. The world is not going to give me permission to stop; I reminded myself. I am the only one who can give myself a reprieve. I decided my family and my emotional wellbeing were going to be my focus during this restoration period I called ‘coming back to life' … my life … as opposed to accepting a depleted life lived according to other people’s demands and expectations.
I knew it was no coincidence that around the same time I created breathing room to reconnect with my heart and the heart of my family, two volunteer opportunities fell into my lap. Even more convincing was they were on my daughters’ “wish list” when we moved to our new state almost two years ago. To be a volunteer at an animal shelter was Natalie’s wish. To “adopt a cute, elderly person” was Avery’s wish. In the busyness of life over the past two years, I’d nearly forgotten my daughters had once expressed the desire to have these particular opportunities.
And now here they were.
At the same time.
When I was trying to create breathing room.
As you can probably guess, my initial reaction to these opportunities was irritation. Really? I am having trouble getting my own cat’s liter box clean right now. How am I supposed to garner the energy to leave the house and clean twelve of them?
I remember how difficult it was to get myself ready for our initial cat cleaning and cuddling session. I remember looking in the mirror thinking that all the blush in the world would not be enough to bring life to my colorless cheeks. But then I thought about how my daughters jumped up and down in the middle of Petsmart when the shelter coordinator introduced herself and said, “Would the three of you like to become volunteers?”
The first time we worked with the homeless cats, I was struck by the way my older daughter Natalie stepped forward to coax the difficult cats out of their cages in order to clean them.
“I will speak softly and gently,” she said about her strategy. “I will not rush him out of the cage. I will just stay close so he knows I am there to help,” she explained as if she’d been a Cat Whisperer all her life.
I watched Natalie work wonders with standoffish Salty and hissing Bob. She sat there doing exactly what the coordinator told us to do with our eyes to gain the animal’s trust. For minutes on end, Natalie patiently lowered her eyelids slowly and let the cat sniff her pointer finger until it came forth.
This—from my highly energetic, task driven, never-slow-down child.
As I watched my daughter calmly connect with each animal, the words “pet therapy” popped into my head.
And then I had this thought:
Yes, it is good we are here for the animals, but it is good they are here for us.
The first time we went to the retirement home as official volunteers, Avery and I came to visit a resident named Annie* that we’d fallen in love with during a music therapy session. All it took for Avery to insist we “adopt” Annie was to hear the healthcare worker say, “I can’t recall Annie ever having a visitor.”
“We can be her family, Mama!” Avery had said … and that was that.
As we walked through the halls to Annie’s room that first time, many residents lined the hallway in wheelchairs. Some of them recognized Avery from the week before. “It’s the little girl with the guitar!” a few of them said excitedly. Others reached out their shaky hands to touch her. Avery stopped at each wheelchair, giving hugs to the ones who opened their arms.
“Please play us a song,” a woman with silver hair and bright pink slippers said. Avery obediently opened her case and played the song she knows best, “Amazing Grace.” They’d heard it last time, but it didn’t matter.
By the time we got to Annie, Avery was smiling from ear to ear. She quickly pulled out some paints to show Annie what we were going to do.
“We heard you like to paint,” Avery said.
“Because I am an artist!” Annie exclaimed, coming to life at the sight of the art supplies.
Avery and I smiled knowingly at each other thinking maybe her comment was like when she said she dated Elvis and her BFF was Loretta Lynn.
But once Annie began to paint, we saw a true artist emerge.
“I round out my colors. I round out my colors,” Annie repeated while making delicate dots with her paintbrush.
“That’s so good, Annie!” Avery encouraged as she admired Annie’s painting and worked on her own.
We painted for an hour as Annie told us her hopes of her daddy getting her a new wheelchair and how her mama makes all her clothes. Avery nodded attentively at this precious woman she dreamed of adopting two years ago.
I thought:
Yes, it is good we are here for the nursing home residents, but it is good they are here for us.
In fact, lately Avery and I have been going to the retirement home after tough days. The night before our last visit, I’d found Avery awake at 2am, moving rapidly about her room as if looking for something. She was agitated and confused, much like Annie gets when she thinks her roommate has stolen something from her.
“I need to finish the packet! The answer is 100!” Avery cried as she scurried around in sleepy confusion.
My heart dropped. I knew exactly what this tormented sleepwalking was about. That next morning, she was due to start the first day of standardized testing.
I gently reminded her that she’d finished her practice packets, and it was time to rest. “You don’t have to do anything but sleep,” I assured her in hopes of taking the pressure off this normally carefree child. It saddened me that Avery was so overcome with stress and worry it was impacting her sleep.
The next afternoon, we went to see Annie. The weather was beautiful so we asked if she’d like to go outside.
“Would I!” she exclaimed with great enthusiasm.
As we entered the courtyard, Annie lifted her hand toward the small waterfall lined with rocks. Apparently she wanted to get closer so she grabbed the armrests of the wheelchair and tried to stand up. Immediately an alarm sounded. Avery looked like she was going to cry.
“You mean Annie can’t get up when she wants to?” she said looking at her friend like a caged bird who would never fly again.
I nodded. “It’s for her own safety, honey,” I said. But even that reason to be confined to a chair felt hallow.
We scooted Annie as close to the fountain as we could. Avery said she’d explore the rocks for Annie and come back to report on what she found.
I studied their faces—Annie watching the little climber in the sun and Avery looking back happily as she scaled the rocks. There was such peace on their faces, as if they escaped reality for a few minutes to enjoy nature’s sweet freedom.
Yes, it is good we are here for Annie, but it is good she is here for us, I thought.
The other night Natalie downloaded all the pictures we’d taken over the last two months on my good camera. She was getting started on her new role of managing the website for the cat shelter where we volunteer. She offered to keep it up-to-date so the new cats will have a better chance of being adopted.
When the pictures pulled up on the screen, I noticed some photos of me with Annie and the cats I hadn’t seen before. I was struck by what I saw. That same look I’d seen on Natalie’s face when she sat with the cats … that same look I’d noticed on Annie and Avery’s faces as they painted or sat in the sun was on my face: peace … joy … and freedom, settled into my tired features.
In the photos I saw my old self: Happy, relaxed Rachel. For too many months, I’ve been allowing the expectations of others to dictate my life … my time … my energy. And for fear of disappointing my publisher, my readers, my colleagues, and myself, I’ve tried to meet all the requests and expectations at a detrimental cost. I forgot I am only human, and I need room to breathe, time to think, and rocks to climb too.
When I walk into the little cat room or hold Annie’s hand, the voice of pressure and expectation ceases.
And I am pretty sure I know why.
When I remove that lonely cat from the cage and hold it close to my chest, he is momentarily free.
When I take Annie outside where the wind blows back her hair, she is momentarily free.
When I spend time with those who have nowhere to be and no one to be with, I am momentarily free. Because in the company of these precious souls, there is no expectation, no endless list of wants, no need to be anything more or less than I am. In the company of lonely souls, I am enough. My mere presence is enough.
I imagine it feels very much the same for my daughters. In the presence of those confined by cages and wheelchairs, their delicate hands and eager smiles are welcomed sights. No one to tells the girls how to sit, what to say, or what percentage needs to be met. Here, Avery’s guitar notes are in perfect pitch. Here, Natalie’s haphazard broom sweeping does the job. Here, the gaps between their teeth go unnoticed. The length of their shorts and the size of their jeans are unimportant here. To those longing for someone to sit with, my daughters’ mere presence is enough.
As I watch my daughters in their divinely orchestrated new roles, this is what I see:
When Natalie speaks in gentle whispers, the frightened animal is momentarily free.
And so is she.
When Avery sings an Elvis song in her angelic voice, the aging listeners are momentarily free.
And so is she.
Here, there are no expectations—just love and presence—and that is enough.
Last Sunday, a Petsmart customer opened the door to the cat room while we were cleaning and said, “Do you all volunteer here together?” After we said yes, she said, “Thank you for saving them.”
Although I was afraid I might start to cry (which totally embarrasses my daughters), I said this anyway: “It is them who save us.”
They give us a purpose.
They give us a chance to breathe.
They give us time together.
They give us divine invitations to love and be loved.
It is these precious souls who brought me back to life—my life—where peace settles on my features and resides within my heart.
The lonely and the confined—they live near you too. And they would love nothing more than for you to just sit with them and forget about your worries for a bit.
Truly. They would love nothing more than your love and presence—absolutely nothing more.
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Dear ones, thank you for being part of The Hands Free community. It is my hope that my story inspires you to create some breathing room in your life to do something that fulfills you, centers you, or restores you. Please let us know in the comments if you have been motivated by this and what ideas you have in mind. If you already have a restorative place or activity that is void of expectation and pressure, please share. We can learn so much from each other!
I am very much looking forward to seeing my Denver friends on May 14, 2016 from 10am to 12pm at Denver First Church. You can purchase tickets for this event by clicking here or calling 303/761-8370 or emailing Krisb@Denverfirstchurch.com. Friends in TN, CA, and ND, please check out my speaking event page to see the three other cities I will be visiting this fall.
Friends, if you are looking for a meaningful Mother’s Day gift to say thank you to someone special or to have for yourself as a visual reminder to choose love over distraction, perfection, and pressure, please check out the unique gifts in the Hands Free Shop. Use the code: MOMLOVE for free domestic shipping from now until 5/2. Items ordered by 5/2 will arrive in time for Mother’s Day.
Thank you for walking beside me, dear ones. On so many days, you are my writing fuel and my heart's encouragement. I love you.
Oh Rachel, you sweet wonderful woman…you are such a gift to all of us. You are so wise to pull back from the demands of the world. Know that we are deeply grateful for all that you give us. I wish I knew what to give back to you! Just know that your words have a deep impact, certainly on me, and I share your posts regularly – people need to hear your words and be reminded of what really matters. Your girls are so blessed to have you in their life. I am hoping to do some volunteer gardening. But I also would love to find some elderly people to spend time with – thank you for the gentle encouragement, and the reminder that we can be a great gift to each other.
Dear Jeanne, just the fact that you come here to read my words & take precious time to leave me a note is such a GIFT to me! Sharing my words with others is another HUGE gift to me! It is hard for me ask my readers for anything more than their support, but I will tell you that every purchase of one of my books is greatly helpful to me. It enables me be a writer as my full-time job and indicates to my publisher than my work is valued and should be continued to be published. I love that people come to my blog and FB page each week to read what I post — I would also so grateful if they would consider buying one of my books since that is where my income comes from. Thank you for opening the door to share this humble request, Jeanne. It is hard for me to say these things. 🙂
I just had to say thank you, and I love you.
Such simple words yet, they have a powerful, soul-building impact. Thank YOU!
Thank you for protecting your heart by taking time to serve and being a gift to others. Your story encourages me to be a gift to others as well.
Thank you so much for letting me know how my story encouraged you. That is truly a gift to me.
All I wanted to say while I read this post was: I love you, Rachel!!
Thank you for being you. Sending you hugs.
Enjoy your weekend 🙂
Love,
Melanie
I love you too, Melanie. Thank you for lifting my heart with words from your heart.
Again your latest sharing fills my heart and empties my eyes…cleansing tears.
So touched by this. Thank you, Patti. I am so glad you are here.
Thank you for this post. Your stories move me to be a better mom….at a deeper level. I feel like so much of my life is on the surface of just getting through each day and not really showing my two boys a deeper meaning of life. Your stories are so inspirational because you show the real side of being a woman and mother and that being imperfect is perfectly fine!
I also just ordered one of your books! 🙂
Oh thank you, Michele!!! I am SO grateful for this significant vote of support for my work!
Rachel, you are the face, hands, feet, and the voice of Jesus in a rushed world. Your words meant so much to me today as they always do. God bless you and your daughters and your entire family on your journey.
Rachel,
Your writing is a gift to many people, including me. I am glad that you have the self-awareness to know when you need a break. I think it takes courage to take that break, to get that separation from the world and all the demands when you need it. Even when you know that not everyone will be understanding. I am blessed by your heart and your children’s. The Lord knows right where you are.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2
My story. Thank you for the reminder. Counting the days until our family goes on our Blue Skies retreat. A week in the sun and sand – with my family serving families who have a child with cancer. As you said – people think that we are saving them, but it is really them who save us. We are so blessed to be a part of this amazing ministry to be a small part of bringing a week of hope and rest to families facing a most difficult season. Instead of being heartbreaking, it is joy-giving and joy-receiving. In the blessing, we are blessed.
Your words are always timely and useful. You are an inspiration and gentle reminder to me of what I should be focusing on in my life with my kids and what I should not worry about. Thank you – keep writing….
Maybe you mentioned the book Breaking Busy by Alli Worthington, THANK YOU if you are. You may not “need it” but maybe one of your readers would be blessed. I checked out the CD from the Inpls Public Library & although I’ve read LOTS on time/priorities, I was motivated to buy the book because she has organized so many helpful points in lists & I wanted a place to be able to glance at these reminders for my own personal encouragement. I admire that you take responsibility for how you felt, didn’t make yourself a victim (I can always use a reminder re that, too). Those animals are blessed & the price is RIGHT for your personal “therapy.” & encouraging your girls by fulfilling their requests!!!
Rachel, You’ve so beautifully articulated the way I’ve been feeling lately. As you know, the kids and I do something different each month to help others in need, but after visiting the nursing home and the animal shelter a few months back, we’ve found ourselves visiting our friends there more often than I’d ever imagined. On sunny days, Harper (6) and Frank (4) no longer want to go to the park, they want to go play with a dog at the shelter and, on rainy days, they want to take board games to the nursing home. There is something so magically rejuvenating about helping others; I guess this is why they say there’s no such thing as a selfless act of kindness. Not sure if you know this or not, but helping others has actually been medically proven to provide the helpers with mental, physical, and even academic, benefits; you can read more about it here, at Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/raising-happiness/201002/what-we-get-when-we-give As someone who’s suffered from life-long depression and anxiety, I wish I’d know about these benefits sooner, which is why I’m so adamant about teaching my kids these important lessons while they’re young. God bless you and your family, Rachel. Your words alone bring many people peace; take comfort in that while you take care of yourself!!! Love, Beth
Wiping tears from my eyes after reading your words today. Thank you for the reminder that being present really is so much better than being perfect. Thanks for letting us know that we are not alone in our struggle to focus on the things that really matter. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy life to share these lessons with us all.
Rachel, thank you. I really needed to hear your words today. I’m 3 weeks in a new town, far from where I come from. And though my three daughters are happy at their new school and making friends, I find I have a lot of time and few friends. I’ve been asking God to show me how/where he wants me to invest myself. Last week the local women’s league popped up on my radar, but I’ve been afraid to commit — I plan to go back to school in August and don’t want to find myself stretched too thin this time next year. I still don’t know what to do, but I’m less fearful of the cost and more hopeful of the blessing.
What a special post! I truly believe we find joy in serving! So happy that your girls are learning it so young! My favorite quote of the post is this: “It went against every fiber of my conscientious, people-pleasing nature, but I began declining or flat out ignoring the many requests of my time and energy that kept pouring in despite my vow to create some breathing room. The world is not going to give me permission to stop; I reminded myself. I am the only one who can give myself a reprieve. I decided my family and my emotional wellbeing were going to be my focus during this restoration period I called ‘coming back to life’ … my life … as opposed to accepting a depleted life lived according to other people’s demands and expectations.”
Being enough as we are right now…finding rest…to breathe. It seems that there is a restorative joy that can only come when we open ourselves up..are vulnerable in some kind of community situation…
You are so right. The world will never stop making its demands on us.
Bless you in this place of recovery and fragility…thank you for sharing so authentically with us. May there be streams and blooms in the desert…
Thank you for this. Many times my own healing has come in “serving” others. Really they are the ones serving me, helping me to heal. I’m again in another lost place. I think I need to get plugged in somewhere where I can be of help. And again I will also be ministered to, healed and saved. I love how that works. It’s a win win for everyone. Thanks for the reminder.
You are always inspiring and comforting with your honesty. You encourage me to be authentic and human for myself and those around me who need me. Thank you for your courage, love, and truth that you share. God’s abundant blessings on you and yours. I hope you dance in the sunshine of His love for you.
I love how through all your exhaustion you were still able to feel God’s direction, and had the courage to do it, and were then blessed and a blessing as a result.
I too over the last several months have felt the struggles of life pulling me in all kinds of directions but in the direction to care for myself and my closest loved ones. I am a people pleaser and always put others before myself no matter in which aspect of my life. I just recently had a not so good check up with one of my physicians whom told me, “it is time for you to focus on you and have that come to “whatever” talk with yourself and decide you are important enough and stop giving so much of yourself.” Your blog reassures me that I am not the only one out there that does this and that it is okay to take time for me and my closest loved ones. Not sure yet what our “just breathe and enjoy activity” will be, but I have some 2 very vivacious and wondering minded daughters whom love to the deepest that I am sure we will come up with something wonderful!!
Thank you again for letting all of us know we are not alone in this thing called life and we are all doing the best we can.
One of my most favorite sayings is, “this too shall pass;”. Whether it is good or bad, take whatever it is and either enjoy it while you can or let it go because it isn’t worth it!!
Love and hugs,
Betty
I always feel connected after reading your posts! Right now, I am struggling to find time for myself as well. After 22 years as a teacher, I feel as if I am neglecting myself and my family. Should I stay in education or give myself the gift of time before my son starts school? No one can answer that…. but your posts always give me food for thought. I appreciate your honesty and love. No parent does everything perfectly, but we need to be patient with ourselves as we learn and grow too. Thank you!
Your opening quote speaks to me. Thank you for sharing your words. Always a great read that resonates on so many levels.
Rachel,
I love how you said that you saw your normal happy, relaxed self in the photos, even though you felt tired that day. This post reminded me how it’s important to take time out for the things that fill me and help me be the kind of mom my kids want to be around… even if I’m too tired or feel like I don’t have time for self-care. Thank you for your kind and beautiful words that inspire me to take some breathing room. You are an inspiration!
I absolutely love your blog. Thank you…
That means so much to me, Staci. Thank you for saying that.
So lovely, Rachel. Yes, what we give out comes back tenfold. Now you’re making me want to get out there and volunteer again. Thanks for the encouragement!!
Thank you, dear Laurie. Keep me posted! 🙂
Dear Rachel,
Thank you, as always for your true gift of writing. My little rescue kitten is sitting on my lap as I write this. She just wants to be loved too. Your daughters are so lovely and I wish you much love on your journey to full recovery. Any words you manage to write at the moment bring me so much peace and joy. Love, K xx
Thank you, Kristin, for the love you & life you have given to your sweet kitten. I know that it will be offered back to you in many beautiful ways by this little fur baby. I appreciate your kind words about my writing so very much.
Rachel,
Thank you for always speaking truth into the lives of so many others. I can say without a doubt that your words of honesty and wisdom have touched my heart in ways I didn’t think possible, and have allowed me to slowly let go of so many things in order to find myself again. THANK YOU for your willingness to step up and boldly share your struggles with the world, because it is in this moment that you enable the rest of us to feel human, and reassure us that it’s ok to take time to love ourselves.
I share your posts all the time on facebook with friends and family because I know of so many others who need to hear your encouraging words. Thank you for all that you give of yourself to encourage others on our journey to become Hands Free.
Thank you for blessing me in so many ways, dear Rachel. I am touched by your words.
Your words are so wise and profound and true! I used to volunteer to visit the elderly of our church and it always left me with such peace!
This post touches my heart. I struggle everyday wondering if “I am enough”. I actully have this saying tattooed on my foot. The demands of the world drag us down….it’s nice to step back and do for others. I love to read your blog! Thanks for always speaking what’s in my heart.